The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 2, Rumble in the Bronx Part 2

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

Seanbaby and Brockway with special guest Auralnauts Zak continue their weirdly obsessive dive into Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx. It's the Bronx! You gotta Rumble.

You are listening to Part 2 of the Dog Zone 9000's Rumble in the Bronx Podcast. You know what that f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f could mean? He throws that kid so far. I know it's probably just not great editing, although you gotta give him credit. He does huck the whole shit out of that child. But even still they cut to it like landing in the mother's arms, but the establishing shot before that has her like a hundred feet away. And I think the kid whips this child.

I think the kid starts as a real kid, but did they cut to a doll? Like when he picks it up, is it always a doll or does he throw a real kid and then they cut to a doll after that? I pretty sure he throws a real kid, but maybe, I don't know, I would have to go check on that again. Because so much could go wrong if he fucks up that throw and trips, like a hovercraft that runs over the both of them. I mean, yeah, he is running in front of an actual hovercraft that is running him down.

That's not some mere trick. Maybe they did some Project A shit where they just mixed both takes. It's like that was a kid. And we cut the end of that throw and just made a new throw with a doll. That's another good point about Jackie Chan movies is he totally does not care about fucking up the narrative to stop and just say like, Hi, my name is Jackie Chan. I'm going to do a really crazy stunt here. We're going to get like 40 angles of it.

We might even use multiple takes. You're going to get taken so far out of the movie that you're going to stop and have a conversation with your friends about how fucking crazy this is. Okay, action. Yeah, there will be like a wacky, nutty jump. Wait, where was he going to land again? Where did we land on this? Like literally, where did we land on this?

I forget where the destination was before these 18 takes. But man, what else are you going to do when you can jump 700 feet horizontally? Is that Project A the right movie? I'm thinking of where he falls off the clock tower and like lands on his neck. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, that's Project A one. Yeah, and he does three different takes because he didn't like because he had to get up and deliver a line.

So he's supposed to get up and say like just the dumbest fucking joke. Like, oh, that's improving gravity. And he fucking hits the ground three different times and three different tanks. And they cut it like it's the same fucking fall. Right. Because like, you're not going to waste it. No. And the first two takes, I think he ate so much shit.

He couldn't get up to say the line. Like at first, it's straight up on the side of his neck. Like he should be dead. That was like a Kevin Randleman, Fedor suplex landing. It's just dead. I'm trying to remember that. I'm trying to remember my own joke. I think I said that when wheelchair salesmen watch that fight,

they're going to turn into dollar signs. Quoting myself, I pulled up some Kevin Randleman for my girlfriend recently because she didn't know what a staff infection looked like. And I was like, well, let me show you the god awfulest, worst example of what I've ever seen. Let's go straight to the top of staff infections. My boy Kevin had a real. It's like, dude, I could see the inside of your body.

Like that's not speaking of Kevin Randleman's inside of his body. There's a fight. I think it was against Shogun, who were in the original television broadcast in Japan. Like he takes him down and he's in the guard and his dick comes out of his cup. And that dude, that dude is built like five horses and a bag of Lance. Like that shit was like, dude, these bags of Lance. It was like a basketball, but longer.

And it was just like, what am I fucking looking at here? And he's in a white hot pants. So it was just like, but I've been trying to find it. It was like an angle that wasn't on like the DVD release, which is generally what you find when you when you look at it. Anyway, fantastic. Honestly, I probably would have killed myself after I saw that. I was like, well, there's no reason for me to be on this planet.

Like what the hell am I going to like offer? It's like almost not emasculating. It's just it's like space alien. Like, well, I mean, he certainly can't like make love to a human woman. Well, did you see his wife? She could take it. Oh, really? She was like a bodybuilder.

Like she she had some she had power. It's just get a pump on her. She's like making great Kevin. We're having sex tonight. I'm fucking I got to get this adrenaline flowing. She's doing she's doing like the face slaps, like fucking hype yourself up for a fight. It was fucking Brigitte. Bitch, you think I'm scared of that dick?

I scared of nothing. You think I'm scared of that dick? That's one thing that would that's a bucket list thing. I need somebody to yell that at me just to even if they're lying, you know, just just even if they're lying. Yeah, maybe you feel like a real monster for just one moment, you know, you think I'm scared of that dick? I am.

Well, there's no scene where Jackie Chan says that. You should have warned Robert, by the way, that I'm the fucking master of the segway. Like I will not keep us on track. No matter how hard I try. We're just talking about Ramon the Bronx. Yeah, there's no way we're not going to transition and talking about dicks. Just the way it is. Yeah, and into extremely threatening dicks.

I mean, that's actually what I have in my notes here is that we talk about how Jackie Chan can jump for a long time and then we transition straight into terrifying monster dicks. I mean, the balls of Jackie Chan are ludicrous enough that no one would fight him. Like there's a lot of movies where, like, 50 ninjas will run at Chuck Norris and like keep getting beat up. And you're like, why is that fucking 49th and 50th ninja running at this guy? He's clearly going to fuck them up.

We're like, we'll do these flips over the fence. And I'd be like, no, OK, I'm not. I'm not fighting that guy. He's half my size. But no, you don't move like a human. So that's one of those moments. It's similar to, you know, Commando when Arnold's like, come on, Bennett, I've only got one arm.

Even when he says that, you're like, this tubby fucking out of shape piece of shit has got no chance. Look at that one arm that he's like listing as a as a as a handicap. I could take my tricks. I could take you by tricks. I don't need a gun by that same token. Jackie and Tony go one on one. He's like, face me if you got the guts.

And then Tony, you got Jackie Chan, takes the shirt off. He's got another one of his like grandma, you know, sleeveless, weird, the high necked. You know, that's part of a one. He's got it. He's going below the belt line. That tank top goes straight down to the crotch. And then Tony gets up on the pool table and he's got like baggy leather pants

hiked up past his belly button. He's got his leather pants and a giant sweater. He doesn't want that smoke. What is he doing? Yeah, Tony, get out. Get to get off that fight. So badly, but then the movie has to convince you that he it's not even called losing a fight anymore.

When you wind up at the end of it upside down and backwards on a machine that wasn't even in the frame, he kicked him off camera and he landed in another scene at another location. Yeah, that's how it's dead. Have you if you live, the script has to specify the next scene where you got to interior moments later, pool, pinball machine. Dude, he was dead, right? Like Tony hit that parts of Tony.

He hits that thing and he's done as a human way. His life is over. Yeah, he needs that. He is the guy as soon as as soon as he gets conscious again after that. He just tells everybody, stop. Stop. Yeah, no. Sweat and disrespect.

This is wrong. Stop it, Jackie. I'm going to lose my whole day like 50 more times. Yeah, Jackie's like, you don't you don't you don't own me, Tony. I still I got the skis. I mean, Tony's like, Tony's like, I need a new wheelchair cushion. What the hell are we doing? That's one of my favorite, my favorite gifts of all time now.

What I send is just Jackie Chan saying, you all garbage. How did that that whole scene, that speech in our in our vote that we did, that speech didn't get the winning position. And I just I want all of the votes thrown out. I want these results invalidated when he says to we could be drinking tea together. That changes the entire movie. All of the villains stop being the villains.

You have different villains now because he says he turned their lives. Yeah, all because he says we should be drinking tea together. And then instantly, it just it just cuts the heart. I think it's really important in his culture. Do you think he means that he's right? You know, sometimes we go too far. Do you think he means guys? I'm starting to question the whole purpose of our gang.

Like, what do we what is our day to day goal? This started out as a tea drinking gang. When was the last time we even did it? We really changed, guys. We changed for the pinball. We used to be about like elaborate, staged rapes to lure a man into hero mode so that we could trap him in a game of death bottles. Seriously, what an amazing, clever, elaborate trap that that totally worked.

Yeah, they counted. Yeah, they counted on his hero based on their one experience on their one experience of like 15 minutes of Jackie Chan. They're like, this man is a superhero and will be lured to his dance. As long as stress through saving, protecting others is his greatest weakness, and we will exploit it in this alley. And also, nobody else in the city will even slightly assist a woman in real life. You'd like that seed would be gone for like 30 minutes to like,

dude, still no one just keeps screaming. Like, it's fucking crazy how disconnected this world has become. People just don't care about anyone else. Yeah, we got to we got to just set a building on fire, I guess. That's a that's the way I say, right? If you're being attacked, you'll fire. Oh, yes, fire, because people want to watch a fire. Again, that feels like one of those survival tips that like

only only works in a world of like flawless logic that everyone's living by. You know what I mean? Like, I honestly feel like if someone said help, help on being attacked, I think I'd have just as much chance of looking at that. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like I have more because if somebody says fire, I'm like, I'm not qualified to handle it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have a hose on me. I mean, I've got this Kevin Randleman dick that

if I'm drinking a pedion light, I might be able to put it out and slap it out. So yeah, that's another good point about the Bronx in this movie is the police response is really, really bad. Like, oh, yeah, that gang had no reason to believe that their dirt bike race over parked cars would get interrupted. Like when the cops show up, they're like, what? Oh, man, we got to get out of here. Yeah. Like, and when they're interrogating that those suspects, the henchmen found it like the scene of a granating.

He's like, what about the explosions? You been out there playing with your toys? What about the guns? Guns? What guns? I'm just a tourist in this city. What about the explosion? You've been out there playing with your toys. Come on.

Come on, you like toys, right? So we all like toys. Tell me about your toys. But that was that was that was the worst bad cop I've ever seen in an interrogation. He's like, you got this weird like Nixon, this Nixon impersonator, who's just had it up to here with their with their fancy lawyers. I swear to God, you can see behind the glass that the guy he's supposed to be interrogating is trying not to laugh.

He's just like looking at him with this weird that tight lip. Like, yeah, like you you told him to mime an interrogation. And he's like, he has a rate where he's got him. He's like, this cop's going to get so pissed that I don't tell him I did the crime. Look at him. Yeah. He's fucking throwing a temper tantrum. He's just trying to he's just trying to win a round of who's lies in any way. But then I love it when his lawyer shows up

because Cop Off Camera says, hey, lawyers here. And then Nixon goes, damn it, not now. You've got to let him go. He says, why lawyers just too well connected? Everyone in this damn town is connected. But like they don't check anything. They don't say like, OK, but like, you know, we can hold them for 48 hours if we don't charge him with anything.

And like we have enough to charge him. And then I know the lawyers connected. Oh, OK, well, the lawyer says that he's connected, then we have to let him go. You're right. Say no more. We should believe my favorite is the guy typing up the report. It just looks at him and goes, yeah, shut up. I'm smoking this Giants and Kevin Randleman cigar. You didn't give me a line.

Three votes. That shrug got three votes. Oh, did it really? Yeah, nice. Yeah, yeah. It's a good shrug. You got to get that dude is he's credited. I voted. I voted for the guy making machine gun. That was my second choice. Yeah. Well, what else was in there?

Is that that's two? Let's see there. Third. Yes, there was. Sometimes when I go to the park and I see other kids playing with this and I can't, I really get bad at myself. I wish my legs were like other kids so I could take care of her myself. And then I see other guys with their sisters.

Yeah, he's pretty. Well, not right now. That was one of the moments. Yes, I got one vote. What a pimp just never stops. He's like, quit crying, bitch. I'm trying to I'm trying to sell you on Jackie Keogh. He really wanted his sister to fuck that 40 year old man.

Like right from the jump, even before Jackie Chan did and even before he gave him his Gameboy, that kid was trying to get his sister in the short term, too. He was not sitting up a relationship because he was saying huge lies. Like, oh, she's a flight attendant and a model and an architect. Yeah, he just wanted to go out and like that's all he cared about. Give me a little Jackie Chan brother and a brother

that baby will protect me from all ills. That and it's Jackie Chan not like anything against the guy, but he just doesn't make a good romantic interest. Yeah, so like he just couldn't seem less interested in like being in love and physically engaging with the there. There were some rumors in the movie world that he actually might be gay, but that that doesn't have anything to do

with his actual on screen lack of any interest in the opposite sex. When it comes to that stuff, yeah, he got such bad chemistry. I just don't see any interest in romance period. I think it's he's always planning where the next back. I'm like, how could I? How could I twist through the shopping cart? He does have like he does have like sort of the coquettish cuteness of a of a sort of an effeminate man.

So I mean, like he does ping your gaydar in a few different ways. Like the weird halter top sleeveless shirts are a massive red flag. And I think we as Americans, we tend to give the benefit of the doubt to all kinds of things like that. Like, oh, he must just wear weird shirts because he's from China. But like, yeah, I've seen a lot of people from China. I've never seen anyone wear fuck that.

I've never seen that shirt. Yeah. So like we just sort of have this. I give them the benefit of the doubt because I do not know what kind of clothing is required or appropriate if you're going to like spin kick 80 dudes in like three seconds. I bet you've seen a lot of people spin kick 80 dudes and none of them have ever been dressed like Jackie Chan. They've all been Jackie Chan.

So I don't know. Like that's you got to you got to expand my understanding is like when I when I need to get real and I figure there's going to be some sort of action going down, I put on my short short onesie and I you need to get into the world because that's the only reference. You need to get into the pleated suit pants world of like Gary Daniels. You know, like you got to you got to check out the 90s. Outside of the the much superior Kung Fu movie scene, Olivier Gruner. He'll speak. Yeah, I had the the dubious honor of introducing somebody

to Jim Cotta not too long ago. That's something something weird has happened. Well, it's not weird. It's just kind of bums me out when I think about it. But there's all these there's a whole industries now built on crapping on these movies that are such easy targets. You know, like like film commentary channels and stuff like that. Look how bad this movie is.

And it's like, well, yeah, dude, but did you grow up thinking that it was awesome because I did. Do you think I didn't try to get on a pommel horse and fucking windmill kick people like sincerely? All right, now if all I need all of my bullies to run at me now. Never stop. About that is it was a zombie town, like this weird town of like insane people are like playing special needs.

Yeah. And then they had a pommel horse, which was just perfect like for the occasion. And you see that and you're like, at least the first time I watched that, I was like, well, this is just lucky circumstances in the in like the town square. It's like the center of their civilization. That's what I mentioned. I just think things like, you know, I've been in Eastern Europe. They just have pommel horses in the center of their town.

That's probably like a. It would gather around. It's part of their like. I've never planned on traveling that part of the world. It would behoove me to learn Jim Kata. So just so you could say hello. But we were talking about Jackie Chan's romantic chemistry. And I rumbled in the Bronx.

I broke it into the 10, 10 act Jackie Chan structure. And act seven is Jackie Chan has zero romantic chemistry with an unlikely romantic partner. That's what I call that because it happens so often. Nice that he'll like meet a woman and you're like, he's handsome and fit and usually really kind and funny and quite a catch. And so he makes sense in the script. But then this woman and him just like they look like brother and sister at best.

Yeah, he's like a little he's so boyish. He's like a. Yeah, that's the thing. He doesn't quite come off as gay is just sort of like pre innocent. Yeah, he's like he doesn't know what sex is. Yeah, he's like a he's like a boy scout that could kill everybody. I don't want to I don't want to picture this guy fucking like that's not what I'm here for.

That's that's creepy. Could you imagine if they did that acrobatic and strange erratic and violent cinema scene where like fade to black and like Jackie Chan's like thrusting in the camera just like and it's like a van damn style where it's like all just on his buns just fucking clenches him. I only want to see that ass used for comedy purposes. I don't want to see that ass adorned in silly jumpsuits. And yeah, I think we all agree.

And I wasted and high-waisted button flies slapped with like unusual props that he can then react to. Rub it. His fears rubbing using the most realistic action movie reaction ever. Like when he just rubbed something like it hits his elbow or something. I'm like, that dude really hit his elbow. That's my elbow. Yeah, that's because all of those entries actually he does so many

stupid things he doesn't have to do. I did write a cracked article about this where he did really unnecessary stunts like throwing himself into hot coals. Is it something Jackie Chan? Drunken Master 2. I can't remember which one that was. Yeah, Drunken Master 2. And he like has these big oven mitts on like he doesn't even fucking care if it looks real.

He just wants you as the viewer to know he really did this shit. There's a million ways to make something that's not hot coals look like hot coals. Like you don't have to fucking do it. Yeah, dude, just light some fucking rocks up with LEDs. He's like, give yourself a break. And there's one more kind of yourself. He dips his hands in like hot peppers and he like choose a bunch of hot peppers and spits them on his fists so that he's like extra deadly with his punches.

And he just uses real hot peppers like in a fucking medium that we can't smell or taste. He's like, you know, I'm going to use the real hot peppers. Why not? They won't believe it. They'll look. They'll see that these are sweet peppers. That's like this. Everybody will think I'm a pussy. He's not hurting anybody with those sweet fists. So this is just delicious punches.

Just a little extra saying on those punches flavoring a steak. I do want to skip now to act nine and see what you think is the best moment from this one. This is the scene or the act where Jackie Chan drops all the cards. The stakes in the movie are very low. Jackie Chan can just walk away with a bag of diamonds. And the only thing that will happen is the three worst shitty people he's ever met get killed by the bad guys and he still fucks it up. So the first one is when Anita Moy sees the the diamonds for the first time.

Do you remember what she says? I don't. She's so ridiculous. Well, Guas doesn't sparkle like that can be. Zero votes. No one appreciates it, but me. There's another one I like treasure. It's a very Tommy Wiseau moment where she says, OK, everybody, lunchtime that she goes, Lisa, lock the door. And it cuts to Lisa, who you mentioned earlier.

The OK young guy talks to her and she it's her only line of the movie. No, wait, her second line of the movie, she says, all right, let's go. And it's just so funny how it lingers on her for like 10 seconds, as if like there was supposed to be more dialogue, but wasn't. And I'm telling you, like her relationship with the with the OK young guy. There was like a whole B plot to this movie with those two characters where they had to solve some sort of unrelated. They should have Jackie.

They tied the whole thing together going after them after they got. Every plot hole is explained by their missing. White Tiger kid, Lisa, I would be like, Jackie, you got to get those diamonds back to White Tiger. You can't let him kill Lisa. Lisa is she's holding this whole operation together. And another line I loved, which got no votes, was Anita Moy. She she steals a few diamonds and she says, I got to go to the bathroom

and Jackie Chan goes, you don't need diamonds in the bathroom. Hey, come on, there's no joke. And then I think it's the only joke of the movie. Intentional Jackie Chan goes, women. Always always trying to steal diamonds. Steal diamonds. These diamond hungry bitches, even though they know their lives, their lives on the line.

She her character is a mystery in that movie. She's brought in purely to just to have her life ruined at every step of the film's progress. Like it's when she first shows up, you almost think that she's going to potentially be like another romantic interest for Jackie. Yeah, they have some sexual tension, for sure. Yeah. And then it's just she's a fucking bitch. First of all, she's like, Jackie's like, I'll stick around to help you out.

She goes, you're nephew just said he's going to work 80 hours a week for me. What a guy. I guess I know what my schedule is this week. You play that off real cool. Yeah, you think she's there to establish like steaks or something's like he should give a shit about, but he doesn't give a shit about this story. Don't feel sold it deals. He's destroyed it. He's a girl.

Go go dancing with a tiger. He forgets all about that fucking. Yeah. And then it only comes back to just fucking wreck it one more time to bring it back to to zero. She's like, how many times are you going to restack those empty cans of Pepsi? It's truly terrible props. But yeah, it's like the worst when he comes back. She blames him for the whole like attack because they come in with bikes

and she's right. They drive through the fucking place. You weren't here because you were on a date with a gang leader's girlfriend. It's my fault for thinking I could count on you. Like she's just so much guilt. Oh, so much fucking backhanded bullshit. Well, fair enough on that one, though. Like maybe this gang that's trying to murder you, you don't start banging the gang leaders girlfriend

in the middle of the whole thing. But again, those guys did beat the shit out of him. It was a power move. It did work. I mean, he was so psychologically shattered. He's like, that's what that's what he meant. Maybe one day we could drink tea together. It's like, maybe I'll take your girlfriend next. I think he means that.

Yeah. So another line from this act is when White Tiger calls him on the phone after tearing down the bodega. And he says, Mr. Keown, so how do you like my style? New one bargains with me. I knew that was my style. Pretty sweet style. Dude, White Tiger, by the way, is just like, I feel like I've dated his daughter.

Like he's the classic like dad that is does not approve of you. Like I've I've I've I've looked into the eyes of guys like him. Several disappointing dead energy, for sure. Another one I love was it's another Howard line. And his reaction comes and it almost makes no sense. Like he's working from a different draft of the script. But Richard Nixon says, don't worry, they won't do anything in that restaurant, not in a public place.

And then Howard screams, not really. What about the last time they threw a grenade into the crowd? You better be careful. You better be careful. Keown, listen. Don't worry, they won't do anything in a restaurant, not in a public place. Not really. What about the last time they threw a grenade into the crowd?

You better be careful. He's just like song. These things just to fuck with like they're only like, you know, at that point, he can say, all right, no, I'm not doing this. And your whole operation collapses. You're going to die. Hey, hey, guy with no police training, you're going to die. Just sucking on a cigar.

That actually got three votes or no, two votes. Yeah, it's like this guy and the director, both based how this guy should talk on other movies they've seen. Like it's 70s police chief, but like much, much, much bigger. They were like, what's a New York cop sound like? I don't know. We got these crime shows from the 70s. Let's just turn on TJ Hooker and like take a few notes

with a little little Barty Miller thrown in there for good. Yeah, why not? Another moment that I think we can all appreciate is when Jackie Chan says, hey, those diamonds were from the heist last week. How do I know they belong to you? And on the other end of the line, Richard Nixon goes, smart, smart, very smart. It was the dumbest thing to say. It was like the most obvious.

It also lets you know that they didn't give Jackie Chan a script to work with. They're just like, yeah, go in there, try to get them to talk about stuff. Here's no tips, no ideas. Just we trust we trust you. We understand English is not your first or even third language. Just get in there and try your best. Squeeze it out of them. Yeah, use and use conversation as your weapon.

And then Jackie Chan still kind of being smart says, you know what? I don't think you guys could make that decision. I want to talk to your boss, White Tiger. Stupid, stupid. Don't mention White Tiger. And I bet you can get it's a heckling. He's heckling his own police record. This next one is definitely my vote for maybe the best moment in the film. Yeah, we do not work for White Tiger.

Casting suspicious. Let me turn into Dilbert. You're not going to believe the shit, Zach. Watching the subtle pantomimes of that flesh pillar try to act in his one big moment. Don't tell me that didn't get any votes. Zero votes. What the fuck is wrong with your friend group, man?

I thought they were cool. No, no. Wait, you weren't here. We weren't here with one and tell me you disagree. OK, the thing that won was when Howard sees the two henchmen and he says, hey, and then he puts a cigar in his mouth and he takes that hand and puts it on his gun and then he slowly brings the gun up. And in that time, they shoot him in the cigar.

That's the moment that won. That's such a loony tunes. Like that's meant to be funny. It's including it's. Yeah, it's including the aftermath, though, where they ask him if he's OK and he goes, I don't know. Jackie Chan so fucking pissed off, he'd leave.

That's that's what gets that moment for me is when he just bewildered. I don't I should be dead. What? Did we just work on cartoon logic for like four seconds? He's about to become Jules from Pulp Fiction. Like he's his mind has changed. Perception of the world is different now.

Yeah, his whole delivery changes in that moment. I know we even don't know. Listen, I'm not saying that that's a bad moment. I just I feel like you and I have appreciation for the finer moments in here that can only come from watching this film 700 times. Now, I agree that our boss is not like Tiger is so quotable and might be on some days my favorite moment of the movie.

But yeah, when you just when you see Howard and what he brings to this movie, it's hard not to like root for. It's true. I just I'm glad he got the win. I dig how my second pick would probably be prodigy guy, just his whole performances. Yeah. Is is hard to beat.

He really brings it home. You lads. My brothers and I do that at each other. So like we've been doing that at each other so much over the years that it's just it's part of the family now. You know, it's right. The only thing holding your family together. I do have friends from college that I could communicate to

with rumble on the Bronx quotes, like as if it was yesterday. There's a few my brothers and I have a few just go to mood setters. Like if these lines are uttered, you know where the other person's head is at. In video games, a lot of the time, if we do badly, you'll get the bet you thought it was pretty funny out there in the zone. Didn't you bitch? Why aren't you laughing? Why aren't you laughing?

Classic. Yes, but they killed Lance is it's mostly his follow up. Just the sounds of anguish. Oh, just so good. He knows that's his one moment to make himself. He already has a very unorthodox look. He did. So right.

The decision to give him alien antennas was just somebody was fucking with him. They're like, this is it, dude. You're going to look like invaders him and it's going to be great. I wear weird fucking buggy eyes and weirdly set eyes. I want you shirtless, but your nipples are weird. Yeah. Can't stand you weird little nipples, man. Shirtless. I didn't say jacket. I need you to solve this puzzle for me.

Go. So I think you're going to give it to our bosses, not White Tiger. Yeah, I think I'm going to. I wish you were there for the official voting because I do make a point in the article to mention that there's no no votes given to that, which is fucking crazy to me. And again, I'm partly responsible. So in the final act, this is when Jackie Chan is fucking done fucking around. And that's when the hovercraft happens and the movie just goes to fucking shit.

Like in the process of of like five minutes, a hovercraft like terrorizes the Bronx and then Jackie Chan kills it, then repairs it, then gains control of it for a police undercover operation. His second one in like 10 minutes and he goes on to a crowded golf course. They have to teach him. Yeah, they have to pause and teach him how to control a hovercraft. Notoriously, the least controllable ever made driver going through like a very public place.

It's a golf course and there's no way they're getting to that golf course without driving through a whole fucking ton of city. So they just let Jackie Chan like and he gets to take his friends. He gets to take all of his friends along wanted criminally. Just fresh from a fucking hostage situation. They should really be debriefing the police about. But now they're like, get that hovercraft. This will be so fun.

Time for a joy ride, motherfuckers. It'll really just all because it will upset him more. If in the like few minutes as he is panicked running for his life, he looks back through that streaked glass and sees the people that he thought were dead. That's the only reason you put them in that is for his reaction. If that's if that scenario happens just to let him know how little his plans meant at the end of the day. Yeah, this is how bad you fuck.

He needs to know how bad he fucked up before you run him over and also somehow strip him naked and scrape his buns up for some reason. When he goes under them, it just like rips his clothes off. Yeah. It puts Jackie Chan in the sand. It like bumps people around, but it puts it puts him down and then just rips the back of his clothes, savagely strips him. Yeah, I love to it starts off and I believe. Either I don't think I need a moise in the hovercraft.

Is she I think it's just Lisa's in the hovercraft. Because yeah, there's a female voice screaming. Run him down, run him down, run him down, run him down. They want blood. Out for blood. Their expectation was that his body was going to go out like his clothes did. They thought he was going to get woodchipped like Lance.

He was just going to explode on that side. He survived with only two nasty scrapes on his buns. Some bastard. It's good to go. It's like like a mouthful of grass, like a Looney Tunes character. It's so good. Look how unhappy the murderer is. Jackie Chan like defeated it with this like giant

ceremonial like Chinese God sword or something like that. It's a crazy like toothed sword that he steals from a pawn shop. It's the fucking best scene in any movie that has ever been made. Is there any rips the doors off that Lamborghini and like puts his foot up and so out of everything. They thought of everything that fucking changed. I fucking changed my life at like 14 years old. All you need to do is put your foot on it.

You'll fucking you'll be able to take it. And that's so great is that that's the reaction of the cops. Because Howard and Richard Nixon show up and like they get bumped by the hovercraft and they're just stunned into like disbelief. It's invincible. Richard Nixon screams. I listen to this 20 times because this can't be right. But I'm almost certain this is what it says.

He says, there's no way to be stopped. There's no way to be stopped. Like he's just it's a hovercraft. There's fucking nothing you could do. And Jackie Chan's like, I got a Lamborghini sword. I got this. Yeah. And I love it. And like the movie didn't invent hovercrafts.

Like that's an actual hovercraft. So or is the movie implying that they are the most invincible. You don't have a sword. There's no way to stop. It's a ram. This guy's the knowledge of his entire knowledge base of hovercrafts comes from G.I. Joe. Outside of that, he has no idea what they are.

You could assault Cobra's terror drone with this thing, right? Like, dude, I think the Dreddox drive these things. We can't fuck with this. I do love the guy driving the Lamborghini. Has like the most 90s jacket ever. It's almost like a band major. And I think they're going for like, like douchebag, but like they just missed in such a weird direction.

I mean, he's a douchebag, but he's just like a douchebag. No one's ever seen before. I also love we would actually we wouldn't be able to call it like properly identify him as a douchebag like this guy's. He's eclectic. Yeah, he just seems like a cool guy that has a Lamborghini and a weird jacket. Yeah. And there's one of the henchmen when Jackie Chan jumps onto the hovercraft.

The stunt that like shatters his ankle is he grabs an Uzi and he shoots it at Jackie Chan, who goes like, whoa. And he falls off the back of the hovercraft and the guy says, damn. But like, for all he knows, he shot this man and he fell off into the ocean. But like, he knows that Jackie Chan is fucking back there barefoot, water skiing. Absolutely. There's no chance he's not doing that. So he's pissed off that he missed him.

Yeah, unless you unless you see the corpse and can plug a few rounds into it, you've got to just assume at that point in the movie, that guy's just going to be doing some crazy shit in a direction you would not anticipated. Like, oh, I'm going to check up. He might be up now knows the rules of the Jackie Chan film he's in. He's like, if you don't see the body, Jackie's just fine. He might be parasailing with his fucking 90s

Pats and his big shoe. Jackie Chan is probably like, that's my favorite part. That's my favorite part of the movie in the back of his giant suit, like puppeting him. It's like, oh, he's in my clothes. He's in my clothes. The tuxedo is the precursor. Yeah, that's how they got the idea.

That's where we got the idea. And now there's another one where they have a gun to the hovercraft driver's head, because the henchmen are not as good at picking up hovercraft driving as Jackie Chan. So they're not actually driving the hovercraft when they're in charge of it. They're they have the pilot at gunpoint, right? The Coast Guard is like, you know, you guys stop the fucking hovercraft. And the pilot goes, I think we have to stop.

He goes, go through or I blow you away. I think they want us to stop. That's what the lights mean, usually. Did you appeal to these guys with the rules? And I think I think I got a chance. That's how they took down the bodega, too. They didn't have their own tow truck. They got a tow truck operator to come to that location

and they tied the bodega to the tow truck, put a gun to his head and said, you drive. So this is just their M.O. Anyway, they they they they their job creators, basically, their contracting the delegators. So of these moments here in the end, what do you think your vote would have gone towards? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. You did not give him the most important option, which is the freeze frame at the very end.

That's my that's where my vote went. It's the best freeze frame. It has spawned a lifetime love of freeze frames. We talked about a lot. Don't forget about don't forget about my baby. So this section includes Jackie Chan throwing a baby to safety and it turning into a doll in midair. It includes, damn, when the guy misses Jackie Chan, it includes, I think we have

to stop. It includes, oh, God, my car. Look what they've done. It includes there's no way to be stopped, followed by killing a hovercraft. There's White Tiger getting strip butt naked when Lisa's screaming, run him down, run him down, run him down and freeze frame. That's a weirdly. Yeah, it's a it's a tight race on this one. Like none of them stand out as much as the rest of the film,

but they're all pretty equal. Yeah, when you hear them all together, you're like, this is an amazing five minutes of film. Yeah. I'm going to give it to my boy. The only way to end the movie. My boy Nixon yet, who I do love as a as a side character. So him yelling, there's no way to stop this thing. Yeah, I love it.

That only got one vote. But that was probably my second or third place choice. Mine went to my baby. I just it's so funny that with the stakes this high, a hovercraft is about to run up down. They also add a baby and they take the time to have him throw the baby so far and the mother to catch the baby. It is. It's the best way.

It's the best way to end a movie. Every movie should end in an identical version of that five minutes. I don't care what movie it is. It should just be a hovercraft running down the villain, stripping a button. We're talking about running, man. I would have loved to that movie to end with Arnold having to fucking chuck a baby as far as he could. There's no movie where that doesn't make the movie that much.

You would love to just stop and they started doing this beat for beat. And you'd like, wait a second, no, what? Are they are they just doing in the box? It would instantly. No way. Whatever the first 88 minutes of that movie is, it's my fucking favorite movie. No country for old men. And that's how the avatar of James Cameron avatar series ends. That's what he's spending his $20 billion on is just to end it all

on a shot for shot recreation of rumble in the Bronx, but with blue people. I would love it if Matthew McConaughey is in space in the center of a black hole, like plucking at little time strings to make a library talk. And all of a sudden a hovercraft comes by and he jumps on a hovercraft just bust through the fucking the fourth dimensional wall or whatever. Freeze frames on like him and his daughter. Yeah, guitar, Sting, freeze. We're big fans of freeze frames.

They cut to outtakes that just never happened in the movie. I'm getting hurt while filming it. Jackie Chan, like recording the theme song in the studio. I am alive. We're going to have to send $7000 to Jackie Chan to get the rights for that song. That guy was part of the Panama Papers, too. He's he's not fucking around when it comes to his cash. I think we should wrap up before we go.

Brockway does have another game for us to play. Oh, shit. Oh, we're going to do it. I thought we wouldn't have time on time with the world. All right. This is a game all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. It's about wiki how and all of their crazy ass pages. And I call it wiki why.

Why? Why? Why though? Why? All right. All right. So so real quick, we'll we'll try to burn through this one. Here are the rules. I'm going to read you select passages from a wiki how. I'm not going to tell you what it's about. You have to guess what it's about.

Are we going first to chime in with just a few? No, just whoever gets it. You can talk amongst yourselves. It can be a team effort if you want. It's you versus me. And I have chosen some select moments from each one and carefully removed any super incriminating information. You have to tell me what you think it's about based on these.

Ready? All right. Ready? Round one. If you were required to call teachers proper names, like. How did you get it so quickly? I know what you Google. If you were if you were required to call teachers proper names, like Mr. Mosier or Mrs. Liguerta, put a playful spin on it by calling them Mr. Most Definitely or Mrs. Ella.

How to talk to black teachers? Mr. Most Definitely as white students. As white students as black. Haven't got. Is there a racial component? Do I am I allowed to ask questions? Maybe it depends. It depends on how racist you are.

Seven out of ten. Seven out of ten. All right, you get plenty of these. Mr. Most Definitely. You get a few of these. Try skipping through the hallways on campus. Strip proudly. Sing a song while skipping.

Swing your arms. How to be a black person going to a non black school. And to be not threatening. No, but in a way that could be right. Is it you have to be musical and playful and nicknamey? In a way, it's going to seem like you were so right on the next one, which is if your if your school requires you, if your school requires you to wear a uniform like a pair of trousers

and a smart college shirt, throw some personality into your wardrobe by leaving your shirt untucked or you could tuck your shirt into trousers with holes at the knee. It's just how to be the most popular kid. Yeah. Getting getting close. You're going to be those ones. All right. Oh, I'll give you. I'll give you a couple more and I think you'll narrow it down.

If you love teddy bears, have a teddy bear key ring attached to your keys, but dye the furry favorite colors. You just fucking throw me off, man. I thought I had a beat on it. I mean, I got it. I've got it. It's how to start a career in arts and crafts in Tucson, Arizona. No, I mean, I mean, absolutely correct. But now all right, one final one and I'll give it to you.

You may be a fan of Led Zeppelin, but maybe being a vegetarian is more important. Forgo your plea for rock music during lunchtime for more menu alternatives other than this. Just how to be a deadhead with that, like with rules. It is how to be a rebel. So close. Well, we said like how to be the Fonz, right? That kind of counts. That's really close.

Yeah, you got you got pretty close. You got pretty close. I want to throw out some fun bonus material, which is that there are several passages here that just reference Tupac Shakur and Kurt Cobain as the two rebels they know. Music rebels like Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur based much of their work and philosophies on rebellion.

Musicians like Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur are credited as being some of the most rebellious artists in their respective genres. These aren't one after their sprinkled through. So I guess the ultimate the end game of being a rebel is to fucking die young before you have a chance at a full life named two rebels and it's Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur.

That's all he's got. And the art of rebellion is all about like getting vegetarian put on the menu at your school or or like wearing wearing your school uniform like Will Smith. Wearing a dyed teddy bear key chain. The dyed teddy bear come from. I think no one would call you a rebel if you like had ever if you own that easy specific, you could not get

a color rebel at 35 like you just it will never happen. And any time you try to look cool, your friends would say, hey, remember your fucking teddy bear key chain because you love teddy bears. And then you dyed it your own color. Fuck you. And then you told everybody you were a rebel and it's because you were a belly. You could go fuck yourself. And we fucking laughed at you and slapped you in the face. Just like the protagonist from the video game, Bully,

but at a teddy bear. So rebellious. And die in a fun salad. You fucking badass. I've said this about a lot of wiki house, but I fucking hate that so much. I hate it. Oh, let's keep going. There are more rounds. All right, you got to do you got to do round two, but to kick your ass. No, it's it's going to get so much worse.

This is going to end in just a shouting match. Like, you can't talk about what you have to do, man. Fuck you. Never forgive you for this. There's no way to be stopped. All right. Here's a shorter one. So let's see. Let's see if you can get this one. All right, round two. Here's the lead in trial. Be prepared.

If you go in unprepared, then, of course, you're going to have problems preparing yourself mentally and having a game plan is half the battle. So it's not going to be something as pedestrian as like going to a job interview, right? It's going to be something insane. Right. This is serious. How did you simulate a human butt? Be prepared. It's true. It's sound advice.

All right. Number two, bounce your eyes when you go somewhere, follow the practice of bouncing your eyes. This is a very handy practice and can help a lot. Well, bounce your eyes. How about your eyes, guys? Be a sexual predator. How to bounce your eyes.

To think about what that might be is giving me a headache. You're on the right track. No, OK, OK, here's another one. Stop tempting yourself. Don't go to movies and avoid driving on certain parts of highways. Be persistent. Oh, my God. How to avoid whipping your dick out in public.

No, that wouldn't help me. None of that would help me prevent that. Yeah, I don't like this bouncy road. Oh, is this how to prevent an epileptic seizure? Hmm, one of you one of you is getting close. That's all there's no fucking chance that I'm close. All right. Consider learning decorative braiding or other creative hobbies,

which are easy to do anyway. Dude, this is like the teddy bear. You just threw everything I had out the window. This is how to. I don't know, like, is this how to deal with ADHD? Gentlemen, it's how to overcome lust. Oh, I was close. I was the close one the whole time.

This is how to overcome lust. Right, you just you avoid driving on certain parts of the highway. My whole joke was actually like what the what they were actually implying. My mind is blown right now. You got to learn decorative braiding to keep yourself from just just fucking everything around you. You got to break some Kellogg level. Dee deescalation shit right there.

Eat bland corn and you'll never get a boner again. It's the idea that you little bonus material. One of their tips was sequester yourself for men. This may mean joining the military. That is not going to help. I don't know if you are horny. Join the military and that will fix every you're going to come home with an ear necklace guaranteed.

Why did you join my service, young man, sir? I just need a place you got. Master on that one. You did pretty good. I don't know. You're getting into the right mindset, which is which is very troubling. You need to get out of this mindset once we're done. I don't think it's going to problem solve it.

Or it's it's going to pollute you. It's going to pollute your fucking brain like a resident evil. You're never going to get out. You just got to like only a chess piece would just be for chess. But in this game, fucking it might give me weapons. All right. I only I only got one more. Do it based on your improving performance. I think you're going to get this one.

Yeah, I believe it all come down to this. Stir one cup of sea salt and one quarter cup of baking soda into a hot bath. Run a bath that is comfortably hot. Pour the sea salt and baking soda into the water and stir counterclockwise until it is all how to suppress homicidal desire. How to make a fucking goat into a really special night. The goat would appreciate that. I mean, who doesn't like a nice bath?

So atmospheric. All right. Soak for at least 30 to 40 minutes. Get into your bath and sink beneath the water. Close your eyes and relax for 30 to 40 minutes. OK. This is how to fight a yeast infection. No, OK, I think they advise. Do they not advise against baths for that?

Maybe not a bath. I believe in baking soda. I don't know. I only give a little. I don't know how to get them. How to cook. I haven't had a bad yeast infection in like eight years. Cut that cut that.

All right. All right. Put a candle in a bowl and add water up to one inch from the tip. Get a medium sized bowl, position a candle at the bottom of it. A taper candle works best. Pour water into the bowl until a candle is almost covered, but leave one inch sticking out of the water. This is sprinkle a handful of salt into the water around the candle. You can use table salt, but sea salt or epsom salt is best.

How to revive, like rekindle your youth through human sacrifice. Is it how to make your own sensory deprivation tank at home? Oh, what again? One of you was close. One of you was not. Damn, which one do you think is close?

The witch sacrifices seems like a long shot. I think the sensory deprivation tank is probably yeah. What if this is how to like project your body astrally, protect your mind astrally? Oh, all right. You'll definitely get it after this last one. So I'm going to I'm going to throw you a bone here. Get a small box like an Altoids tin or a cardboard jewelry box. Make sure the box is clean

and then purchase a mirror that is small enough to fit in the box. Glue the mirror onto the inside of the lid of a small box using hot glue, school glue or super glue and make sure that you don't look into the trapping a ghost. It is how to reverse a curse. Dude, why was I the close one again? I'm unbelievable. I got to trust myself getting you're getting into the mind space and you it's going to kill you.

I'm praying you need to seek therapy. You're going to see me in your mirror tonight. I'm going to be like, Robert, you were right. I don't know how this happened. I would fucking curse you. If I didn't know that you know how to get rid of a curse so easily. It's yeah, wiki house defeated you once again. Yeah, you just you take you take a nice bath with a little bit of salt.

You light a candle. You buy an Altoids tin and do some crafts. Crafts are a big part of a lot of these four different reasons. Just crafting and craft that exactly what he did in Dr. Sleep to trap like the shining ghost. He just put them in little boxes in his Altoid cabinet. That'll do it. Maybe that's where they got it.

I've got some bonus material down in the comments below a wiki how articles. People will chime in with zero stars. Didn't work. I'm still a fucking loser. Yeah, the the author will come in and do their best to answer it, which is to say they do terribly. So underneath underneath how to reverse a curse, somebody came in and said, I had my daughter in law put a spell on my son to have him hate me.

We used to be very close. Ever since then, he constantly insults, humiliates and yells at me. What can I do to clear the curse on him? Well, you got to get a nice bath. It sounds like it's yeah, clearly, to which they replied, I doubt that he is under a curse. Have you confirmed that your daughter in law didn't tell your son something provocative instead?

Go to him and describe the changes you've seen. Ask if you've done anything to offend him. Wow. So he gives therapy instead of curse advice, practical advice from the author of how to reverse a guy. He didn't double down on the curse thing. He was like, I may be off base here, but you should talk to your son. Look, we're having a lot of fun with this cursed stuff, but you know, this is who we in flim flammery, right?

We're just just having a nice time. It's not real, you fucking idiot. You're such a teenager, he's going through teenage shit. And that's that's the thing that they keep throughout the comments. Another question is I went on a date and found out she's crazy. So I stopped talking to her. I saw her again and she asked me if my truck works and I said, no. She then said that she put a spell on it.

What do I do? The curse is probably on me. He's like, got it on him. It can pass from truck to man. It's a truck to man. It's a potato. The H1N1 truck virus. It's bled through the truck to man barrier. It's jumped species to which this person again said she could be lying out of immaturity.

But crazy people sometimes have magical potential because of how far their minds are from cold logic and how close to emotions they think. Wow. That's that sounds like a 90s like women joke. You ever noticed that women are magical? That's because they think with the pussy. 100 percent of time, you get cursed. It's a whim. It's a what am I right?

Am I right? Look, I'm just saying what we're all thinking. I'm trying to think what. All right, well, yeah, a kind of automation of comics. It was like a red fox wicks with like, I think I was doing a Sinbad joke, but with like a Bernie Mac voice, but like a higher. I went up an octave like Okee young.

Yeah. I'm really glad we warned the listeners about the problematic nature of this episode. The racial insensitivity of this. Hey, well, that's. But about the with the magical subject material of Sarlacc the warlock comic. It's true, too.

We should have wondered about that. It was my favorite 90s comic. Anyway, that is that is wiki why. And you've you've kind of won. You were close. You won a little bit. I don't think you should feel good about it. But anyway, I don't know.

Let's take it back. We did a good mix of silly answers and real answers. I think that is the best you could hope for. I'm the Balderdash fucking king in this house. So, you know, I don't think I've ever played a game of that straight. I always just try to say the fucking craziest shit. And yeah, I'm not trying to win.

I'm just trying to be nuts. But I do OK, because if you get a good enough laugh, like people will vote for it. They're like, OK, this one's funny enough. I'm going to give it my vote. Even though I know that's not what octauroon means. You are ruining my game of Balderdash. Do you play it straight, Robert?

Always. I mean, it's this is life or death. See, I fuck around. I'm like Jackie Chan. I like to tear the sleeves up my shirt. Put on like a woman's sweater. Dude, you need to rewrite that that rebel entry in the wiki how.

See, I don't I fuck around. I fuck around. Step one, be willing to fuck around. I start fucking around. Fuck around at Balderdash. Always remember. Oh, what are the rules of Balderdash? No, no, no, no, no.

You're way sillier than that. You're a fucking rebel. Untuck your shirt. Well, not the rules card. Have some fun. Make your own rules. Well, I want to thank you gentlemen for what I think it's a tremendous podcast.

And I had a lot of fun. Zach, do you want to plug anything before we go? Yeah, I mean, we got a YouTube channel called RLNOTS. We do a lot of goofy, overdub, pop culture style comedy. We just, I mean, if you've seen it, you know what the hell we're talking about. I have a hard time describing it. It's one of those things where a lot of people,

your videos get around. And so people might not know they're in OrnLot's video. But like if you've seen a funny Redub Star Wars video, chances are you've seen Zach's work. Well, today, for example, for some reason, how to make a blockbuster movie trailer parody we made is like blowing up again. Right.

Like we just got 400. No credit. Yeah, that's how it started. But then everybody jumped in, got our backs, and just like took this guy to the woodshed for not listing us. So we didn't have to do anything. And just, man, that just never happens.

You have witnessed an internet mirror. I was like so happy. I was like, hey, everybody, thank you for showing up today. That's crazy. Normally we have to be like, listen, sir, I believe this is our intellectual property and you have wronged us. Everybody tells you to shut up and you don't understand

how the internet works. That's pretty much one guy did say that. And he's credited as an author. And he was like, wow, relax, guy. You just got a lot of action today. I was like, well, his post got like 50,000 engagements because we made something. So I guess fuck all of us, essentially.

Don't hit me with that exposure bullshit. I've been dealing with that line of nonsense my whole life. You got exposure, buddy. You guys, I appreciate you guys. I want to be real for a second. You guys are so talented and I think massively underrated. And I do hope more and more people go to your site. Because the quality of the things you put out is very impressive

to me. And I love your comedic decisions and your timing. It's very strong. And I'm glad to know you. I'm proud of you. Man, and you know me by now. I can't take a fucking compliment. So I'm just going to say, fuck you.

That's honestly what I was hoping. That means a lot to me. You guys, what you've done over the years has always been like a huge part of my daily intake. So it's a real fucking honor, you asshole. Yeah, fucking dick. I don't think there's any, if anybody needs any more endorsement than just our theme song alone.

Then they can go fucking die. 1,900 Hot Dog. 1,900 Hot Dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say Hot Dog podcast work. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour.

Come on. You know the number. 1,900. 1,900 Hot Dog. 1,000. 1,900 Hot Dog. 1,000. 1,900 Hot Dog.

1,000. Yeah, 9,000.