The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 200, SCHEME, SPAM or CREEP with Abe Epperson

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

Seanbaby & Michael Swaim welcome special guest, Abe Epperson to the DOGGZZONE to play a few rounds of CREEPY DUDE. Everyone loses!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype! Say Hot Dog Podcast Word! Yeah! When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour! Come on! You know the number!

1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-0-0 Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com. We are the last comedy website. We pay an all-star cast of comedy writers to write high effort, joke-dense articles about cursed whatnot every weekday. Get it all and more. Like bonus podcasts and Discord movie events by supporting us at patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. Keep the golden age of the internet alive with us. Or let it wither and fight the bots alongside us.

Either way, we die together. I'm Sean Baby from media. And you know my cohost today from his classic days at Cracked, Small Beans, 1900 Hot Dog. And this can't be right, Cracked today? Like 2024 today? All right, he is soon to be daddy Michael Swaim. Welcome back.

Oh, wow. I thought that was a, what a perfect to be daddy, Michael Swain. Welcome back. Oh, I wow. I thought that was a what a perfect setup for a to do a bit. That's untrue. Yeah, I recently it's funny because man, most of the comments are isn't there bad blood or like don't you hate and I'm like clearly you're not 40. Only in the sense that I'm like, they still pay me to make videos where I write whatever I want and then say it. That's fine. That's good enough. When you're 28, it's not good enough compared to what you imagined when you were 12. It's just, you know, it's there is some history, I guess. Yeah, they did fire all your friends. True, but there's no one left there who was from even that era.

Like, there's no one I know there that kind of... You know how the cells in your body regenerate every seven years? It's that situation. Oh, right, like a Theseus ship? Yeah, well, I'm also like, I can... You know, I'm a big man on campus now, and way less oversight. Like, I can truly... If you're interested in my vibe,

like it's my channel now, or I'm releasing the bulk of stuff is whatever I want. Hell yeah. I do enjoy them. Joining us, partner of Small Beans, a director producer, writer, multi hyphenate, Abe Epperson, welcome back. Hey, famously not a turncoat.

You hear that swank? I got my eyes out on you. Oh, you're still loyal to what? Like to who? I don't know. I'm supposed to crack. I love lists of 37 things. You're like, college humor forever. Yeah, exactly.

2010s will never die. So we have both the Bean Boys. I imagine a lot of our listeners are supporters of yours, or at least familiar, but just in case, let's pitch them the beans. Bean plug, go! Abe, take that one. We are the smallest beans. We're small beans on our way to becoming big beans.

If you go to patreon.com slash small beans, you'll get everything we're all about. We also have a YouTube channel. We also have, you know, we're just on wherever you find podcasts and we have a free feed. We have a TikTok show that Mike does and I edit and it's fun. It talks about trailers. We're also making a movie. There's a lot of crazy things going on in our lives because we're the eclectic ones. We're the eclectic network that does whatever the hell we want.

And it's mainly just our random artistic endeavors but also talking about pop culture. And we have movie podcasts and video game podcasts and wellness podcasts. It's a pretty cool, sweet place to be. So check us out if you like how we yap at you. How is Papa Bear going? I wanted to ask about Papa Bear.

It's, well, I mean, actually I just sent an email. We're working with a production company right now to, it's not to, I mean, I don't want to get too deep into it, but you like talk to, when you're an indie, like we are, and you are, have no money, but you like talk to, when you're an indie, like we are, and you are, have no money, and you want more money, you like work with production companies to get you in touch with other production companies to get you in, because you kind of get it in the aggregate. And so we're on that pass right now, but the script is the best it's ever been. We already did our crowdfunding, which is great because because it gives us the bank that we've needed

for pre-production for so long. It's taking a lot longer than we expected, but we also kind of expected it to be that way, because it's, once again, indie filmmaking. We just want a million dollars. That's not that big of an ask, is it? Come on. Come on.

Give them a million dollars, everybody. It is as expected going unexpectedly. It's somewhere in the nexus area of both of those. But in any case, yeah, Papa Bear. It's pretty cool. It's about a coming of age story about a boy who learns that his father is a gay furry when he's like 17. And he kind of grapples with that.

Not the gay part, the furry part. It's very relatable. I think we can all relate to our father being a gay furry. Well, it is semi-autobiographical. I certainly can. Yeah, you're right. One of us can, I guess. Mike, we talked a lot about pitches for today.

You had some good pitches. Very, very happy to also be a columnist on the Hot Dog Site proper, as you mentioned. And I will say the hardest part for me is, I mean, you guys are amazing at it. Like actually finding garbage. That's interesting and not just garbage. So yeah, I had some pitches in the pile, but it sounds like you have something even better.

It's funny. You mentioned that because before I even came to Brockway with the pitch for the site, one 900 hot dog, I had probably 6,000 ready to go. I wrote, I made a database of all the things I'd collected over the years. And I was like, yeah, this is enough to start a website. Because I didn't want to run into that problem where I'm like, what the fuck am I going to write about?

It's like, no, I'm set for a couple of human lifetimes. I'm excited to introduce an all new podcast game. It's called Scheme, Spam, or Creep, the Don Diebel pickup game. Who's Don Diebel? I'm glad you asked. But first, I do want to give some background on the inspiration. Some of the listeners certainly know all this, so if you're already a Diebel head, fast forward

about 30 seconds. Don Diebel is a man I've written about before on 1900 Hot Dog and Cracked. He wrote a book about picking up babes in 1980 and he republished it over and over ever since. Sometimes with tiny variations but usually not. He did Gender Swap It where he published the same exact words but for women to use on men. It's a uniquely insane book that would have killed many women had anyone other than me read it. He did this a second time by the way. So he was terrible at picking up women, plainly and objectively. But it became his life. He started selling hypnosis spray and

seduction cologne, subliminal music CDs. Yes. So your basic polymers. Hypnosis spray. The fact that it's a spray is the top. He's really into hypnosis. Before he goes out to pick up chicks, he'll like look in the mirror and be like, you are the master seductor, and convince himself through self-hypnosis. He also wrote a book on how to get better at golf through self-hypnosis.

He very rarely branched off into non-chick-hound stuff. So you're telling me like a sweet, like a super sweet dude. Like that's what I'm hearing. Totally, a great guy. He did find God, and then he started rewriting all of his same books, but now you're begging Jesus to give you girls

rather than the girls themselves. Yeah, it's really good. Kind of sad. Not quite as sad as how he bought a double grave for he and the woman he would one day fall in love with to share, but she never came along, so he's been trying to sell that grave at more and more of a discount for the last two years.

It's so sad and tragic and funny, it just keeps looping around on itself. Who wants to be buried next to me? Love that energy. He also wrote under different names sometimes. He wrote under the name Derek Evans when he published how to pick up topless dancers, probably because that's very embarrassing.

And then he wrote under the name Steve Pell when he wrote, over 200 proven ways and places to pick up girls by an average looking guy who has dated well over 2,000 women, over 100 women interviewed. Tell how they can be picked up. That's the real title, that's the full title. And also I believe he ran for president under the name Barack Obama.

Hussein Obama. Oh my God. Oh, holy shit, I think you're right. That's got to be him. But aren't the voting machines called DeBald? He rents the whole goddamn kit and caboot. Oh my God. Obama. Oh, holy shit, I think you're right. That's got to be him. But aren't the voting machines called DeBald? He runs the whole goddamn kit and caboodle, dude. It's all DeBald all the way down.

I'm calling scheme on this game. I think he called himself average looking in this book just to show like, hey, this works for anybody. But I don't think he wanted to go on the record as an average looking guy. So that's why he made up the pen name, Steve Pelt. But he made average looking Steve like a very young 39 year old sex master, created a really long dull backstory for him. It does take him 11 pages to get through Steve's backstory, despite it being completely boring and completely fictional.

It's the most recent book of his I covered on the site and it is the Dungeon Master's Guide for the game we're playing today. It's a collectible dirt bag game where Mike and Abe, you will guess page numbers between 39 and 225. You'll then receive a tip for picking up girls from average looking Steve Pell, who is a 39 year old who slept with well over 2000 women, but actually an elderly a 39-year-old who slept with well over 2,000 women, but actually an elderly two with a one personality who has slept with zero women. When you get your tip, we'll determine whether it's a scheme, a spam, or a creep.

Schemes are worth three, spams are two, creeps are worth one. If you accidentally get a tip that would work, you have sex and lose immediately. There's no chance of that happening. So is it like rock, paper, scissors? No, it's more like collecting. Like we'll go through and you'll get points, three points for schemes, two points for spams, one points for creeps. We'll just add them up at the end and see who is the best at probably murdering women, but theoretically picking them up.

I got this on lock. You know what it really reminds me of is like a funny game that will guide you through some interesting material for an hour. That's what it feels like to me. It does. It feels like a low effort, high joy podcast mess around. Yay. Let's get into it.

It is close to a game I made called Tidbit Yahtzee. In fact, it's close enough, I'm just gonna play the theme song. Are you ready for the tidbits? Are you ready for the tids and bits? Are you ready for the cute puns and the hunky puns? It's a thousand-wood ways to fun. Woo, fun!

All right. Woo! So everyone is clear on the rules. Yes. Excellent. Abe, why don't you start? A number between 39 and 225. 147.

Let's see. With a Tidbit Yahtzee. 147. With a Tidbit Yahtzee. 147. 147. 147. 147. 147. 147. 147. the rules. Yes. Excellent. Abe, why don't you start? A number between 39 and 225. 147. Let's see. With a date pickup. So this is what average looking Steve says. If you're

like me, you've had the following happen many times. You're out on a date when suddenly you spot a girl who looks interesting. You try to take your eyes off her, but it's no use. You're hooked. You know that you would give anything if you could get a chance to meet her. There's only one problem, and it's a big one. You're already with a date. Well, cheer up. It doesn't have to be so frustrating if you know how to work it. I probably should have called this the intermission pick up. Because it seems that every time I go to a play, concert, or anything else that has an intermission, I spot a girl I would like to meet. This will happen to me no matter how much

I like the girl I'm with. I will spot a girl in the lobby as we're going in, or someone sitting nearby. I try, but once I start to fantasize about her, I just can't stop." So it looks like he's just going to keep rewarding that, that he sees girls and just creeps out on them. Yeah.

They're hot, he wants them. Do you think this would work so far? Do you think this seems like a good pick up tip? Piece of advice? I do not. Strongly do not. This is a creep, I think, because this is just a... Yeah, I think this is a creep,

but I'm hopeful that this guy thinks it's a scheme. His scheme is to just go ask out another girl while you're on a date. Yeah, that's cool. It's like giving, it's the opposite of a pickup because it's endangering the girl you already landed. I know, that's a really good point. It's not risking at all.

Yeah, there's nothing, I don't see how he could twist this to make it a good thing. Yeah. It is by definition, what I would call a date spam because you're just loading up. You're just, you're getting your rounds in. You're getting your KD ratio up, you know? Like, so I, like, I don't know.

Another unspoken thing we haven't mentioned yet. It didn't happen. This guy hasn't ever been on a date. Sure. So there's that. That's just something to keep in mind sometimes. So wait, he has never been on a date or his fictional persona has never been?

Oh, the fictional persona has been on over 2000 dates. Well, no, 2000 women he's slept with. Over 50 threesomes, he says in his threesome section. Awesome. Yeah. You don't rack up those threesome numbers without doing this. It's true. I tried to crunch the numbers on his story because in the story that he invented for this guy, there's a lot of dry spells. Like he got engaged to a woman and like for two years, he only had the one, right? So like, by the time you're 39 to have that many women, it was like every eight hours. At a certain point, he had to just be cramming them in,

multiple ladies a day and then never again. That's how it works. That's how people make love. That's how people make love. Okay, so I'm gonna give you a creep point. Yeah, that's a creep point. I don't think it rises to scheme. So, Hamley, let me keep track of these.

We are using spam in the video game sense, meaning like the strategy of just slamming the button over and over until success. Yes, you will get... A lot of his schemes are things like printing out flyers and distributing them with like you and your sad boner on them. Right. Okay. So something like that what might be a spam. This is a hard game, dude. It's gonna be a hard game.

Yeah. But an erotic one. I think we can all agree. You're welcome, ladies. Swim, what number are you picking? My age. 39. Perfect. The same age as the author. Singles bar pickup. I'm just gonna scan this because it looks like he just explains what single bars are for a page.

Meaning like there is a building where single people go. Did you know? You can try to fuck them. They're there. I'll skip to the final paragraph. I realized that I have rambled on and on regarding the girl's attitude towards being picked

up in a singles bar, but I'm not apologizing for it because I feel it's very important for you to know how she feels. If you don't understand where she's coming from, then you will better understand how to approach her. Scamming it again, it looks like this man does not understand women or what they want. I think the best I can give you is one creep point. This is just a man standing around a singles bar thinking, I know what each one of these women is thinking. Oh, I should put that in the book. See, I was, I kind of qualify it as a scheme in the sense that he's like, I know what

I'll do. I'll understand their wants and needs to figure out what they're like as a human being. Yeah, it is a great strategy, but there's no tactics to get there. Also, I imagine he's incapable of doing that. He's like he's grasping at the idea that you could forge a relationship with a human being. But I don't think he's there yet. Yes, he's grasping at the idea that you could understand a human being like he is a full psychopath and thinks of women as like faceless numbers. That you could stand there and listen actively.

Yeah. Yes. Active listening is not something this guy is like, super got stats on. It's so shocking to him that he thinks it's a cheat code. To lie. Yes. To think about it.

To think about it might be a cheat code. There's a section in most of his books about the types of women you run into in the bar. And like, it's a weirdly small number, like six or seven. That's the full number of women that are out there. And most of them are like, girls who don't want to dance with you. Girls who tell you they want to dance with you

and they don't? Girls, and it's like, okay, D, I think I'm starting to see how you view the world. Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna give you, you're trying to talk me into a scheme, which is pretty scheming, but I'm only going to give you the creep point because you are just a guy in the corner of the bar watching women. We're tied. So, this is my turn? Yes. I'm going to go

with 45. Girl reading a book, pick up. Women are always reading about love, romance, and sex. Very few men do this. Yes. And that's why women are much more ready for it. If you keep this in mind, the next time you see a woman reading a book, you just might try to pick her up. Try to see what she's reading before you make your move. If she is reading learning how to knit, might as well forget it. If on the other hand, she's reading a book on love, romance or sex, then don't hesitate another second. This is... I think this is a scheme. I think I got the scheme. I think you're right. I think it might rise to scheme.

He's laying it out. It's a scheme where you wait until you walk into a political cartoon and everything is clearly labeled, and the woman will be reading a book that says, horny lady, under like the word tax cuts. He's essentially saying if there's a Wile E. Coyote, like wooden sign that says, I'm open to Jamaha her own, then go for it, sure. Ooh, sweet Trek reference, baby. Always, baby.

Always. No, I mean, it's clear this guy thinks in cartoon. Yeah, women aren't objects, they're two dimensional renderings of objects. He's living in Cool World. You guys seen Cool World? I have seen Cool World. I was once in the bookstore with my ex,

and there was a guy and he was posted up in like the love and romance section, and she like walked past the aisle, and he like caught her eye and immediately went, sex, what's the big issue, ladies? I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. like caught her eye and immediately went, sex. What's the big issue ladies? I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. So I seen someone try this in the wild.

In real life, right? In real life. And did it work? It made her laugh out loud. I mean, that's pretty intimate. All right. Yeah, no. You should write your own.

That's why she's my ex. She left with bookstore creep. I can understand that a single non-sequitur to introduce yourself or break the ice or an awkwardness could be attractive, but like, that's a short game tactic. You can't build on that. I also feel like sex is the landmine there.

Like if you're like, hi, here's something very strange. It's nothing to do with sex. I think that's a better tactic than being like, yes, you're right, I am a horny stranger. I don't think that's like great news for women to hear. Okay, I'm going to give you the full three scheme points because it really does feel like if you went around a bookstore and judged the women by the titles, that's not nothing.

That's planning. He's given you the titles, that's not nothing, that's planning. He's given you a location, he's given you tactics, he's given you his mindset and why it's good. He's laid it all out, it's a banger. That's what totally worked, except for the time I saw it not. Okay, Mike, your turn. 55.

Religious Girl Pickup. I know this one because I wrote about this. I'll just summarize this because it is four pages long. So this is him telling the reader that you should always look for religious girls because sometimes they're cult leaders. It's pretty clear from the fiction he's writing, she's in a cult, not like a regular religion.

They'll tell the women there to have sex with men to recruit them into the cult. And that's what happened to Don Diebel. I'm sorry, Steve Pell. And he felt kind of bad about it. He's like, I know this girl's only sleeping with me because her pastor told her to. But again, this is a guy who sleeps with multiple women a day. So, I don't know why this particular one was like, God, why is she doing this? I feel so bad about this one particular individual. I don't think it rises to a scheme. It's mostly a very made up story

by someone who doesn't understand sex romance or religion. Yeah, just the idea of there is a type of woman out there that hopefully I will have more success with. And being wrong about that. I wouldn't call it a scheme. Yeah. I mean, it's spam in a sense that he's like women cluster around this unit of space time, so I'm going to go there and try them all. So there's a spam element, but I don't know how you don't put it in the

creed bucket only in the sense that. Fuck. That's grim, dude. Like people who are already undergoing cult shit in their messed up lives slash brains, you're like, I can pray on them. But I mean, this is the guy who invented hypnosis spray, so I don't know what I expect. It's true. In his first pickup book, I guess his first four versions of the same pickup book, he has a tip on picking up hitchhikers, which is just like, yeah, pick up the hitchhiker and then... Jesus Christ.

Yeah, and then you can try to have sex with them. And when he rewrote that book, To Be Four Women, he kept it in. Whoa, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. He's just brainstorming straw men of sex. What if there were people who would have sex with me? What would they be like? What would they be like? What would they be thinking and doing? They wouldn't do it willingly. They would have had to be compelled by some sort of a powerful sorcerer. A powerful divine source. Hypnosis

spring now with two felonies. Yeah, so I'm going to give you one creep point. Abe, you're doing great. You're really picking up these babes. Thanks, dude. I'm going to give you one creep point. Abe, you're doing great. You're really picking up these babes. Thanks, dude. I'm calling my mom right now. She'll be very proud. Yeah, mom, finally did it. Get ready for that busy tone, dude,

because we're still on the line. Oh, baby, let's go. All right, pick a number. We're still on the line. I'm going to go with 65. Oh, this is it. This is actually the entry that made me discover this was Don Diebel. Local newspaper pickup.

Reading your local newspaper can be very helpful when it comes to picking up girls. Not only will it make you a better conversationalist about what's going on in this world today, but it will also give you many ideas for ways and places to pick up girls. I can't stress enough how important it is to read your daily newspaper, especially on Sunday. He's pitching, get familiar with the world, be topical. There's a lot of great wisdom here, you know? Be engaging with the world around you. These are all ideal circumstances that a woman might look at a man and be like, this is something I should have sex with.

Plus the ladies love peanuts. They love Marmaduke. They love Marmaduke. The cartoons are wonderful. So you got to give me the scheme, right? I think I'm going to give you full scheme. The scheme is to read a newspaper. I mean, like, what are we talking about?

Is this guy gonna actually come up with anything that itself? No, absorb a unit of information. You don't have to retain it. You do, you only have to hold it like a hot potato, 30 seconds, dispense it, you know, and you're getting your dig sucked, step three. It would be better if he gave examples. I have read something in the paper today.

If you look at modern pickup stuff, it is a more advanced version of this. Basically, you create an arsenal of very short and exciting, interesting stories, and then you sort of unleash them. You're like, oh my god, some guy outside just got beat up by the cops. And the girl's like, whoa, that's very interesting.

And you just have a lot of these in your back pocket. So I feel like he's getting there. He's many steps away, but this is on the road to that, obviously reprehensible. We are one step away from semen retention, you know? Yes. And his essence and his power getting improved by not coming, you know?

He must have so much power, just decades of it. He's like two levels from that guru attainment. All right, Swaim, you have to top reading the newspaper, the poops paper. Well, the pattern would have you believe 75, so I'm gonna go 76 to be contrarian. That's my sex number. Yeah, you always do the thing where one of you wants to 69

and the other forms an acute angle with their body facing away. And it's like, no. And the six is like, aw. Color, pick up. Maybe it's psychological on my part, but every time I see a girl dressed in red, I automatically assume she wants to be picked up.

And most of the time I'm right. Red has always been an exciting color to me. And therefore, if a girl is dressed in red, she's in the mood for excitement. I have nothing to back up this theory except the results I've received from it. For this reason, I'm passing it on to you. The next time you see a girl dressed in red, just tell yourself she wants to be picked up and then go do it. If you have had the results I've had from it, you'll be glad you did. The next time you see a girl dressed in red, just tell yourself she wants to be picked up and then go do it. If you have half the results I've had from it,

you'll be glad you did. That is how I got a butt job from Carmen Sandiego. Which I'm very proud of. I feel like that's textbook scheme because it's a life hack. What's amazing about it is it's a life hack everyone's fucking aware of. Red is the color of passion and hearts and like this is known.

And it's funny because he's shown so much confidence like, oh, the book thing will totally get you laid. Oh, it's intermission. Whip your dick out, dude, because you got to be ready. And now he's like, red is the color of passion. Now, I don't know if that's true. And it's like, that was the one thing you stumbled upon that is backed by science. Orange makes you hungry, blue is calming.

You know all that crap. Sure. They're like the baseline, you know, they're obviously not true. Like even if we were to look into this, I'm sure it's not true in many instances. But those are the popular theories about colors, yeah. He accidentally, I love the idea that you're confronted with, like, you have a hypothesis and you're following the scientific, you know, the series of scientific steps

in order to prove it. And he just goes, I don't know why it's happening. I can't tell. It just feels right. I also like that she wants to be picked up is a very funny phrase to me that like, you can tell that lady's just waiting for a horny dude. Honestly, when you said it the first time,

just based off the craziness that comes out of this guy's mouth, I thought he actually meant you go and you pick her up and you walk away and now she's yours. Right. Like we're that level. Yeah, that's a great move. If you can get a lady up over your and now she's yours. Right. Like, we're that level. Yeah, that's a great move. If you can get a lady up over your head, that's very seductive.

It's caveman thoughts. Yeah. That's why pro wrestlers are... They're always stopping to kiss. I think... I'm gonna give you full scheme points for that. I do think running around looking for ladies dressed in red and picking them up over your head, I think that's a great scheme. I think that's gonna go well for you. Damn think that's a great scheme. I think that's going to go well for you. It's a great way to signal planes as well.

Abe, it's your turn. Since we've broken format, it's now a free for all. I'm going to go with 101. Above average looking girl pickup. With the exception of one type, above average looking girls can be quite enjoyable to be with. That exception is the type who considers herself to be absolutely beautiful and will go out of her way to let you know about it.

She's the type who's always fussing about her appearance, making sure everything is just right. She will usually wear, okay, it goes on like this and then ends. So this pickup tip is watch out for ladies who are too pretty. You want a pretty lady, that's fun, but like if she knows. is watch out for ladies who are too pretty. You want a pretty lady, that's fun,

but like if she knows. Weird he says above average, you know, like there's a lot of people who are above average. Sure, almost half of them. I don't think I can justify scheme. I'm gonna try for spam just because I think that he's just notifying a type of woman exists. I feel like I'm not,

I'm only gonna give you creep points for this because this really is just a guy sitting around hating women. I mean, you're right. I have no notes. I'm just trying to get my own points. I know, a lot of this game is salesmanship. You're right.

We're trying to push it up, we're trying to upsell you. I thought that was the game, that's the whole thing. Yeah, you picked up on that real quick. I disagree, Swaim. My enemies. Good. Then downgrade that shit, bro. I feel like there's nothing more to be said.

This guy really just hates women who who are too pretty for him. Yep. Swaim, it's your turn. Oh, yeah, the numbers. I don't know. I keep forgetting the number part. Twelve has to be above thirty nine, though. Oh, right. Twelve is still the intro of the book.

Shit. Wait. Deducted points. What is page 38? You know what I mean? Like is the intro to this thing 38 pages long? It is. Part one is getting you ready for part two. It's basically, I don't even know how to explain it.

A lot of it's just all the chicks he's banged, but then there's like little lists of things like, you know, women love the neatness in a guy. Just like little tips, like comb your hair. He started a book, started rambling, and then realized, oh, I gotta have a format of some kind. Yes.

All right. Well, we haven't gone super deep, so let's go 191. Billboard pickup. This pickup idea will not come cheaply. You already figured out what this is, don't you? Jesus. No. What?

Oh, God. I love how it hit me with this. He could have just published a list of titles and you go, uh-huh, yeah, well, sure. Does he describe what it is? Like, does he describe possible billboard ideas? Let's go. At the least, it will cost you hundreds of dollars

and probably more depending on the size of the city you live in plus the location of your billboard. The good news is you will get hundreds and maybe even thousands of replies from women wanting to meet you, especially if the billboard is in a good location along a highway or interstate. You know what?

It does not give you any ideas. Wait, wait, here we go. If you can't think of one, you're welcome to use this one. Average looking bachelor would finally like to settle down with sincere woman between 25 to 45 if interested write Steve Pell P. O box xxx Dayton, Ohio. What a what a monument to sadness that would be to drive by. I wonder if you could split a point. I don't know if you do. But to me, it's a scam or a

speme because it is, there's steps to it. Like it can't not be a scheme because it involves the transfer of money and the like designing of graphics. So by that definition, I think it's a scheme, but it's also spam by its definition because it's just, it's shouting through a microphone. Please, please love me. It's also spammed by its definition because it's just shouting through a microphone. Please. It is spam.

Please, love me. That's a creep, that's a creep move. They all are a little bit of all three. It kind of hits all three. It hits on all friends, yeah. We just understood the game. We just broke through. They're all true all the time.

They're all true. I think this one is just a classic spam. This is one of the ones I had in mind when I thought of spam. Just incredible. You know, this is a real thing. I know in, I think it was a Vice report I saw years ago, in China, like the, they used to have like the, they were, families were incentivized to have male children. that kind of worked. And so then as that generation grew up, there's just way too many dudes. And so they would take out billboards. Like, I am a rich young man. Please come marry me. Right, classify ads.

Oh yeah, there's all kinds of historical pockets where the gender ratio got fucked and all kinds of weird stuff is done at that point. One place is they're like, we realize we need a utility of that. That's why dating apps exist is you design a space for it. Yes. This is, let me loudly yell into the world

that I'm single. I imagine, I also love the part where he's like, it's like $500 depending on where you live. I just love the idea that he's doing this in like LA on Sunset Boulevard near the Chateau Marmont and it's just like those cost like $8 million for a day. Right. Yeah.

Now I think he lives in Texas so these would be like just outside Galveston. He was eating a hot dog at a gas station and he looked over and he saw a rusty old like five by five billboard that says like we sell blank. Then his dick turned to a dollar sign. Cheshwing. Incredible. Your turn. Let's go 181. Oh, this is a great one.

YWCA Pickup. If you like picking up girls between the ages of 18 and 25, then the lobby of a W-Y-C-A. YWCA will be just the place for you to hang out. Some evening around 6pm, take yourself to your local YWCA and just sit in the lobby. You will be amazed at all the interesting looking young females that will be coming and going. I cannot believe this, but this goes on for another page. But the plan is basically put yourself in a very female place.

High traffic. Yeah. Yeah. The plan is basically put yourself in a very female place. High traffic. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it's... Where they specifically don't want men exactly like you. You're the precise person these women are made of female space to get away from. In fact, they designed a space for women.

Right. It's dawning on me with crashing horror that this is the theoretical guy where they're like that I didn't think actually existed and barely does. But we can't have trans rights. Guys are going to go in there and just be like, will you have sex with me? Will you have sex? This is that guy. That's the guy.

He's holding back civil rights, basically. He's on the wrong side of her history. I don't think he's on any side of her history. This is classic creep. You'll never talk me into more than a creep point for that. That is textbook creep. My mind is running a mile a minute and I got to say none of the things that I want to put out my mouth, I'm liking it.

So let's just move right along. Is it Swingster? 182. I want to know how he followed that specifically. OK. Let's go on and invade a specifically female space. What's after that? What's the follow up?

Past. Pick up. This pickup approach is probably one of the most difficult for most guys to achieve because of the emotional factor. Let's face it. When you run to a girl you used to date, emotions can run high. Have you figured out what this is?

Oh, no, it's to go into the well of your past. Is it just gaslight women? Like, learn their weakness. I think, yeah. It's just to pick up your ex. His tip is, believe it or not, the trick to this pickup approach is to pretend you're picking this girl up for the first time.

So just forget everything. That has to be the worst piece of advice in the book, right? And maybe the least necessary. Objectively? Yes. He even acknowledges the emotional element, which is hilarious to me. It's like, emotions may run high

because you probably did something that made you feel. Yeah, forget all context. Just walk up to them and be like, hey. And they're like, motions may run high, because you probably did something that made you... Yeah, forget all context. Just walk up to them and be like, hey. And they're like, excuse me, we know each other. I know I was hanging out at the WYCA trying to pick up chicks, but here I am with hat in hand, and I just wanna fuck you one last time.

Crazy running into you in your bathroom. I kept a key. Did you see, did you even see the billboard of me reading a romance novel outside the WCA? Did you? This guy is on another level, man. Yeah, you get a creep point. That's the best I can give you.

Fair. It's almost a scheme, but I don't think it's elevated enough for that because it really is just sort of what lonely people think of if they have an ex in their life. They're like, oh, I miss having someone in my life, like the last one I had. I don't think when his broken mind is fumbling at things

that we all just do naturally as humans, that is not a scheme. That's his failing as a human being. This is a beautiful treatise on sadness. Like, it's the crime and punishment of our times. It really is. Now, I want you to picture his billboards still up, like, after 15 years, right? Like, he's almost certainly still alone, but the billboards all decayed.

Like, that's, I think, what the book cover should have been. The book covers actually pick up girls in, like, little little kid chalk font, like a real weird choice of font. No, no, stop it. The R in girls is backwards, Toys R Us style. Oh God, let's move on. I'm gonna pick a number before this gets worse. Okay, let's move on, let's move on. I think it's Abe's turn. I'm gonna go with 200, right on the dot, baby.

Petting. Pick up. Oh, alright. I don't think we need to be too... You may find this hard to believe, but I have picked up many a girl just by stopping to pet her dog or cat. I have found that most girls attach a lot of feelings to the way a guy treats animals. They feel that if a guy is warm and affectionate with animals, he will be the same with them. God, when you think about it, that's really powerful. So yeah, you go up and pet a dog.

Would you guys have thought of that? To me, that seems genius. What's crazy about me is I would go up and pet the dog and I wouldn't even be thinking about how to leverage it to insert my penis into someone's like holes. That's what's wrong with me. You know, I'll have to think about that. After this, you gotta I'd just be petting the dog like an asshole.

I've heard from like, you know, these YouTubers who are like, this is how you're gonna get girls. And one of the things they say is get a dog to show that you have functional responsibility. And also sometimes they come up and pet your dog because dogs are great. It's just weird to me that he chooses like, one way I don't have to have responsibility, but I can get in their space and it feels justified.

Yeah, I think at the end of the day, Dieull's a scientist. So what he probably has a dog, he pets his dog and then he has sex with a watermelon. And he's like, you know, every time I have sex with a watermelon, it's after I pet my dog. He's like, it worked. Could this be a scheme? I guess. Find dog, pet dog, get lady. That's three steps to that plan. He's laying out, he's got steps on the plan. It's not like you can really spam it. It's not a spam mentality. I mean, I guess they all are, but like you can't go to one dog part

and pet every lady's dog. That would be a spam. Unless he says it specifically. But he doesn't say specifically to do that. I like the idea that some of these ladies are walking their cat, which is... Yeah, he doesn't. He's actually never been to a public park.

I wanna hear what you think his move would be from petting the dog to having sex with this woman. How do you think he fills that space, like in his wildest fantasy? I mean, he's immediately jumping into a 12 minute tirade about he can beat up anybody. Yeah, karate. His muscles don't look that big, but they are real strong.

Yeah, when he gets pissed, he gets fucking crazy and like he could beat anybody. He's like touch my bicep. Yeah, that would work. That would completely work on me. I'm gonna give you, yeah, just one creep. No, I'll give you the scheme points. I do think... Yes, it's a scheme. It is a scheme.

Plus, I feel like this is the closest to anything that would work so far. Yeah, all of these, once again. You're making friends with somebody. Everyone should just have one point, and we go home and live in the sadness of knowing that Donny D has never had sex and will never have sex. I also love the dumb guy trying to think smart of, when a woman sees a man with a dog, she'll think, oh, that's how he will behave with me, a human.

Like, it feels like such a funny thing for someone to think. All right, Swain. At this point, I think I get the way this guy's mind works, and I just want to call my shot. I'm specifically looking for take an acoustic guitar to a party. I have plugged a random number generator into the internet, and the number is 53. 53.

Damn, I was going to go 53. If you get guitar... All credit to calculatorsoup.com. Damn, that's a good website. Damn, I'm getting shown up left and right. Damn, I'm in a tight spot. You hit religious girl because again, religious girl spans many many pages of this book. So, I'm just going to go to the one before it. Okay. Car flashers pick up. If you're looking for an easy, it's not

what you think. Oh, oh, not flashing the booties. Sure. Oh god. If you're looking for an easy way it's not what you think. Oh, oh, not flashing the booties, sure. Oh God. If you're looking for an easy way to pick up girls, this is it. All it requires is some clever messages written or printed on cards, large enough for a passing motorist to see. Now all you have to do is flash them to her as you go by.

Much of your success will depend on how clever your messages are. But even one as simple as pull over, let's meet will work. Wow. Oh, no, it won't. 100% won't. Please. This is the first time I've been concerned for him.

I'm like, don't do that. Oh, sir. Oh, no, honey. Like, it's going to get you in trouble with the law at this point, right? I mean, he's openly trying to cause accidents. Because she's gonna be like, are you trying to tell me something is an emergency?

It would never occur to her. I would be like, oh, no, that person's being held against their will. This is some kind of weird cry for help. Yeah. Wait, also, is he driving the car? Is he doing this while driving? He's not a good writer, so it's not clear. At some points in this description, he's driving. Other times, he's on the sidewalk trying to get cars to pull over for him. I think it works both ways.

Oh, gotcha. Yeah, yeah. But the part I read, he was definitely driving, because you were passing her by. So you're two cars speeding towards each other doing this. Can you imagine the disappointment in a woman when she does figure out that's what you're doing, where she's like, some man held up a sign, oh my God, was he, oh my God,

was he like advertising his dick like a lunch special? Oh my God. Even starting a conversation, it's like, why? There, now though I do, I wanna, I think you step it up a notch and you do the cardboard with spare change. And then as they approach, you rip off a tear away. Yes.

Close. There's a tux underneath. You flip the sign upside down and it says is for losers. Let's fuck. Oh, hell yes. Yeah. Or or a big arrow pointed at your crotch, flip it, twirl it, throw it up in the air, do a little dance, do make a show out of it.

Make a little love. And you have a little Velcro and you un-Velcro the part where your dick would be and it covers your actual dick, but it's a drawing of your dick. If someone found out you did this, you would never get laid by anyone they'd ever meet or talk to.

No, you go to jail. Again, cause comedians do, I think, like the bit where you think something's gonna be a bunch of different things, but then it's a weirdly specific thing over and over. And I guess my point is, yet again, it's a scheme, it's spam, and it's a creep. Like, it's on all levels. I'm giving you spam points because this is pretty textbook spam.

Just ask every single woman you can. Just high traffic, literal traffic. The soul of it is to spam. I got to be honest with you. Every time I'm on one of these podcasts, I have an existential crisis about humanity in particular. This one is really pushing me to rethink about dating. If we should, any of us should be together at all.

The good news is there's no second person like Don Diebel. Every time I find a book and I'm like, this sounds a lot like Don Diebel, I'm like, holy shit, this is just Don Diebel. Yeah, he's definitely a fringe element. Speaking of fringe element, I'm going to go to the end of the book because I feel like he's going to be like, and here is my fucking coup de grace slice. I got you, 225 please.

Writing a book, pick up. Oh, great. It's fucking so weird. No. He's a fucking weird. One of the greatest, one of the greatest fringe benefits I came across while writing this book was a way to pick up girls

I never thought of before. And I thought I knew them all. Sorry, there was a typo that fucked me up. Most of this book was written. It's funny that there's a typo like in the part about writing. In the writing section. It's great. I'll be, maybe he meant for it.

I never though of before and I thought I knew them all. Most of this book was written in the lobby of a lodge at a state park resort area. I went there for the atmosphere because it created a better mood for me to write. I sat with all my papers spread out on a couch that was near the entrance to the lobby. Needless to say, everyone that came in or out would pass me.

At first, I didn't pay much attention to people, mostly girls, who would stop and ask me what I was writing. I guess it was because I was so involved writing this book that it took me a while to figure out what a great way to pick up girls this was. would stop and ask me what I was writing. I guess it was because I was so involved writing this book that it took me a while to figure out what a great way to pick up girls this was. This is kind of another running theme of his book is that he kind of just goes through his life

doing the things you need to do to live. And then it will occur to him, oh my God, I could have been picking up chicks. Like there's one about hunting for apartments. It's like, I hate hunting for apartments. And then I realized some of these landlords are ladies. Yeah, this one is textbook scheme, though, because he's Yeah, once again, placing himself in a space. He is not

necessary. It's actually one of the not the smarter ones, but it's like one of the, the milder ones, you know, where it's just like go to some place that's public, and don't harass people just exists and do something interesting, I guess. Fakily interesting, like an icebreaker. I don't think it works. But he's trying. It's up there with dog petting where you're like,

I could see meeting someone and, you know, strangers have met when one of them does a thing. The most obvious, I wanna know who buys this book and is like reading it like a gospel because that's my true sadness. You said it has sold very little, correct? Like, this was self-published through like a different self-publishing. When I looked up the self-publishing company that that did put it out, all I

found was stuff about how they were very predatory and they're no longer around. By the way, it wasn't a typo. Now I did some research on it and it way, it wasn't a typo. Now I did some research on it and it says that it wasn't a typo, it's because he meant to not be able to spell thought, because he doesn't think, he just does. Oh, it's so fucking profound, that's it. Like, the artistic expression of the book, it's so good. Yeah, now you see it.

Yeah, I am gonna give you full scheme points for this. Yes. Swain, it's your turn. I think we have time for maybe three more. I'm heading over to my random number generator. I got distracted because it also has a physics calculator and I wanted to look at it. Great, great.

But the number is 145, please. Thank you. Calculator.com. Abe's mom's age. Wait, 145? You coming at my mom, bro? He got your mom. Your mama, your mama, your mama. I will fucking end you.

I love childhood insults that are dead now. No one says dickweed. This is a really good tip. Fraternity house, pick up. If you live in a college town, make a point to visit all the fraternity houses some Friday or Saturday night, especially the weekend after the big game or homecoming. If you go around one or two in the morning, one or two in the morning, no one will know

or care who you are. If they do, just tell them you're trying to find the girl whom you were with earlier in the evening. This way they will think you were with the girl from the college. You will be amazed at some of the sights you see. Do not appear shocked. Just act naturally." I think he assumes that they'll be like doing goat rituals and group sex or something. Swinger party. Yeah, yeah. He thinks it'll be a fuck party because he's clearly never been in this space.

Not that people aren't fucking a lot, but it's not what he thinks it is. This might not shock anybody, given my toxic personality, but I was in a fraternity when I was in college. Women were a very precious commodity. Like, you don't... If an old dude came into your house looking for ladies, that would have been a real bad move. Meathead Sean would be like, I'm gonna fight this guy. I don't think I would have fought him, but like,

I could name seven guys that would not even consider waiting to punch that guy in the face. Like, and they would have been a hero. They would have... Like, but I could name seven guys that would not even consider waiting to punch that guy in the face. And they would have been a hero. That would have got them a nickname. What is this old man doing in a frat party? Looking for your babes. You guys got any extra babes lying around? You got overflow babes?

Yeah, also I think it's just a general false positive that he believes that you could just walk into a fraternity and no one would care because No one notices him or cares about him anywhere. He goes so it's right. It applies to everything It's funny too because the fraternity is a very tight group of people if a strange man is in the house at 1 a.m. Even if it's a huge party, people are like... Famously aggressive jocks who are like, who are you, where the fuck are you from? You're not Jerry, you know? 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. is so oddly specific. I don't know what to...

It's obviously a creep. Creep. It's creep all the way. And I'm saying that when my vested interest is not to get one point, but it's creep so hard. It has a spam element to it, but you'd never make it to a second fraternity. I think that's the problem here. So you just get to try that the one time.

You wouldn't make it to the women. You'd be like, where are your women? And they'd be like, out, moose, get this guy out of here. And moose is like, grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr. And tackles him and then puts his balls on his forehead. Guys, you're not gonna believe this. We had a moose. We had a moose in my fraternity. Sure, ugh. Ugh. Yeah. And tackles him and then puts his balls on his forehead. Guys, you're not going to believe this. We had a moose.

We had a moose in my fraternity. Sure. That's a real thing. You say that like that's profound. I had a moose. We all had moose meese, OK? You're right. We all had meese.

I was only in the fraternity for like one semester because when I was 18, all I liked to do was drink and party and play frisbee. And there's no better place than a fraternity for that. Mike and I were like in a writer's frat. We had a newspaper, like a periodical, which is like the nerdiest of frats,

but all we do is party. It was basically a fraternity, but we'd also put out a, you know, onion-esque newspaper. It's just. That sounds fun. Yeah. We should do that now. We should all quit what we're doing now and rebuild that.

Yeah, and we'll crush all the ass in the world. I mean, Jack O'Brien noticed our articles and initially reached out, so that did start the whole path. I'm gonna give it three scheme points then. No! No, it's not. All right, Abe, this is your last one.

You've got a pretty commanding lead. I'm gonna go with one, seven, six. City and state parks pick up. If you remember that a girl's mood is one of the most important factors in picking her up, then you have the answer as to why city and state parks are a good place to do it. Oh buddy. When a girl walks alone into a park, she usually is in a very free-thinking, back-to-nature mood. We're about to ruin that, gentlemen.

Yeah. She's alone? Just remember to move slowly and be very casual. This is 100% a scheme. He's laying it out. You just treat her like a bear and you move slowly and don't make loud noises and just whisper sex. This is what people picture when they hear the word creep. This is a man following a woman in the park.

I don't see it. But move slowly. You don't want to scare her. If you're holding weapons, keep them behind your back. He's like, she might be on her period. Like he does not understand anything. What a whirlwind this is. What a tip.

All right, Swain, you somehow need to come up with five points to tie. So I'm looking for a, at least, a cream. You're looking for some kind. You've got to hit that guitar. Double scheme. So we're looking for a at least you're looking for some kind you got to hit that guitar Double scheme so we're looking for a thing that intersectionally involves you're like that's a scheme, but it's kind of also another scheme Right. Oh it hit 55 which I believe we've already hit we have so I think this is very poetic Abandoning the random number generator and going with my heart. Yeah. Like fucking Jedi shit. I gotta say 69.

Yeah, we gotta end on the sex number. There's no 420 available, so I'm kind of bound. I'm still hoping that people pick up 76. Do you believe in miracles? Checkbook pickup. Write a giant check. Check. You're the lady of your dreams. And it's to a prostitute. This is in many ways a giant check. Check. You're the lady of your dreams.

And then to a prostitute. This is in many ways a jackpot. OK, so how many times have you been standing behind a girl in line at a bank or a savings and loan, whom you would give your right arm to get to know better? It's simple, and you won't even have to get up the nerve to approach her at this time. Keep bobbing back and forth until you can pick up

her name, address, and in some cases, phone number, which is printed on her at this time. Keep bobbing back and forth until you can pick up her name, address, and in some cases phone number, which is printed on her checks or deposit slips. That is not where I expected it to go. Bob back and forth and steal the information. That's a creep and um... I feel like I got exactly what I was going for, which is a cream. I feel like it's a creepy scheme. It has to be a scheme.

It involves identity theft or like personal information. It's a cream. It's a cream. Did I, does that mean I tied it? I tied it with a cream? I think he tied it. No, that's four. Wait, is that four?

A cream? A cream is only four, right? One for cream, three for scheme. That would be a spam, Lolo. Because it wouldn't be a spam because you would get kicked out of the bank before you could do it more than a couple times. No, he's a lone predator ruining individual women's lives specifically in this one. Picking off the weak at the fringes.

He's a person who should walk around with a disclaimer. He probably does. I feel like that's what the sex offender registry is. You have to read the user agreement before you interact. Ooh, which number is tell people that you're a legally mandated sex offender and then parlay that into a date. I think you whisper it to her dog. Legally that counts.

Number 19, grow a mustache. He does have a beautiful mustache, Don Niebel does. Abe, you're the clear winner. Congratulations. You won the first and almost certainly only episode of Miss Keem Spammer Creep. I want to thank my mom. Oh, I'll tell her. Einstein Hunter, Frankfurt Unser Podcast knalt und mit Maximillen schau Sag Frankfurt Podcast, korrekt Ja, de Kraft is mit Traft is mit ohne Schick die in de Hunde so, für eine Stunde

Komm schon, du kennst die nummer Einstein Hunter, Einstein Hunter, Frankfurt Einstein, neuer, neuer I, Brokell the Brocain, proclaim myself ruler of all Hot Dog-Ome! From each of your kingdoms, send to me your finest warriors, your champions, your... Supremes! Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aiden Moet. From the Kingdom of Nolenburg. It's Alex Nolenburg a mighty little meat. Alpha Scientist Javo. Unendi. Armando Nava. Bim Talza. Do not disgrace your kind. You're disgracing your kind right now aren't you? Brendan Garlok. Brian Saylor, Burrito, Serol, Cheddar Wolf from the Kingdom of Cheddar Wolfia, who had a really cool design but just never got a moment.

Clementine Danger, Common Sense, Greg Lemoine, Half-Man, Half-Horse, All-Man, Quaethys, Daniel Sloane, Devon, the Rogue Supreme, David Schull has a sword that commands God. That really fucks up the stakes, can you leave it at home? Dean Costello, Delta Foxtrot, Doug Redmond wild and free, who has vowed not to disgrace his kind, oh god damn it Doug Redmond already? Drayson, Dusty's rad title is a swamp hag who looks pretty good when you're drunk. Fancy shark. Gareth.

Chilla-ho. Good Satan and his hot witches comes with special wings. Special, decorative wings not for flight. Greg Cunningham. Haraka. Harvey Panguini. Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Jefferaski John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff Joseph Sears Josh S Joshua Graves From the Kingdom of Justinia, Justin V is beautiful. And no other thing, it's what the B stands for. Ken Basley K&M

Kummutsas Lane Hagood Lisa is a magician who put her mind in the body of a hawk just so she wouldn't have to walk. M. Jahishapel. Mark Mahoney has vowed not to disgrace his ga- ah just kidding, just kidding, what a disgrace. Matt Riley.

Max Faroi. Mercenary Sisad Min. Michael Dillon is a hawk trapped in the body of a magician. Don't deny it. Be proud of who you are. Scream! Michael Lair, Mickey Loman, Mike Stiles, Mort, Moju. Mr. Bob Gray is leader of the Mighty Lizardmen. Mr. Bob Gray has been slain. ND, Neil Bailey, Neal Schaeffer, Neku104, Onri Weeble from the Onri Kingdom of Wevonia, Champion of the Wevonia Warrior Games by Forfeit. Ozzy Olin, Patrick Kupst, Rianen, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Cid is a magical lightning hawk whose purpose remains unclear. Go to school lightning hawk.

Spotty reception? So what not. Tater's tales from the noble Tater kingdom of Tatonia. With a sword that makes polite requests of God. That's more reasonable. Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos, Tibby Lahey, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo turns into a mighty Chimera when angered, or aroused, or confused. He might actually just be a Chimera. Booster, Wayland Brussels, Zack and Ava, wild and free Centaur champions who ride into battle on one another. Each of their human parts on the horse parts, but not their own, it's complicated.

And finally, from Danonia, comes young, quick and deadly Dan B. Hooray, Dan B! You only have seconds to do something cool before this whole thing gets cancelled!