The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 206, Janice Dickinson's 12 Days of XMAS with Rodney Anonymous

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

Seanbaby & Robert Brockway, (FINALLY!) welcome back special guest, Rodney Anonymous to the DOGGZZONE to celebrate the holidays in true DOGGZZONE fashion! You know how aging supermodels are super chill people who are firmly grounded, warm, empathetic and the first in line to spread holiday cheer and goodwill towards all god's creatures, (even the gay ones?) Well hide them from Janice Dickinson, America's shittiest shat. It was this or a Robert Brockway Follow Up Question Special, and he don't take no follow up questions. Recognize.

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You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Show 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com. We are the last comedy website. We do daily articles from talented writers using text and pictures to inform a delight. There's really nothing like it anymore. Go to patreon.com slash 1900hotdog to support us, get bonus podcasts, join in on online movie events and other and more. I'm Sean Baby and I'm just the best.

Speaking of the best, I have the best news because after months of hunk hiatus, our own Robert Bobby Bulges Brockway is back! I'm back! And you know, I can't believe this is true, but while I was on break, nobody called me a B-minus h, like you do every single week, and I missed it. I missed it. I just, real quick before we go, I just want to thank all of the replacement hosts and co-hosts who did such a great job. Those were such good podcasts, they were all so great, and I looked in the comments and a lot of people were saying like, so-and-so was better in Brockwake, I liked their chemistry better than than Sean Brockwick. And let me just tell you, none of those people will ever be invited back on the show again. Thank you. That's fair. I do have other best news because returning to the show is one of our favorites.

Voice and keyboards of the dead milkman. It's Rodney Anonymous. Welcome back. Welcome to my first holiday special ever. My Janis Dickinson impersonation. Beautiful Janis Dickinson. And Janis Dickinson's here. Amazing. I'm really unhappy we got her, but here she is. You guys really need her. She'll bring it down.

What an unpleasant woman Janis Dickinson is. That's who we're talking about today, everybody. More of a sociopath. Yes, very much a sociopath. She is just a horrible, horrible individual. This should be airing right around the holidays, so you're welcome for this Christmas cheer that we're already. Brogway came back for this episode. This is my welcome back. Ah, fuck, I got to find a new career. This is something Rodney, you suggested, and what a suggestion. What a nightmare

of a thing. This is 2006's Christmas with the Dickensons. It was the holiday special for the Janis Dickinson modeling agency, which was a show with four seasons on the Oxygen Network. Fuck! So it's about, it's at the level of like a talk sex with Sue Johansson or a girls behaving badly or a wild wine moms.

I only made up one of those. Janis Dickinson, she claims to be the first supermodel if you've never heard of her. But that's like claiming that, you know how radio stations used to claim, oh, we invented Rocktober. You know what I mean? It's nothing to be bragging about out there. I would brag much more about Rocktober, personally. Yeah, that's way more important than whatever this is. Her claim actually on her own Wikipedia, it calls it disputably. She disputably claims this.

There was somebody in the 1930s, the same way Edie Sedgwick was referred to as the first superstar and apparently they used that term before. Somebody else was called the first supermodel. So that somebody has put the word super before various things before? I think that's true of everything. I'm not the first Superman. Yes. I liked that the drama behind this claim is the second thing on her Wikipedia. It comes before her television career.

So that should give you the idea of her star power, that just the dumb shit she says is more important than her TV career. It's more like the importance that she places on drama. Yes. Because it's got to be way up there before anything about her children or anything like that. Of course. I do have some notes on her children.

I'll try to keep them polite, but oh. She's a grouchy woman. She's been battling to stay in a cutthroat industry for five decades. So she was probably never pleasant. But then she started doing reality TV in this era when we really rewarded horrible people for their bad behavior. And anyway, that leads us to this 2006 where she's just the worst, probably has no idea she had the option to be something else. So that's, I think the caveat I'm going to add to this that she is a horrible monster, but like, at the time, I think maybe that's what people were telling her to be. Imagine though, imagine for one hot second that she was born in any other era.

She's so lucky to be born within this period where we were like, I love you for being exactly this kind of awful, for being just narcissistic, for being deeply unpleasant, for creating drama everywhere you go. I love it. I want to watch it all the time. Any other era, it would just be a crippling mental problem and not a career. This is how horrible she is. The first time I ever encountered her on television, I was watching, I think I had the flu or something, and one of the networks, I think it was CW,

used to show America's Next Top Model. And so I was on the sofa watching episode after episode, I think it was season two or something, and some girl won, and she walked up, they all come out and they're congratulating the winner, and they all walk up to say, you know, tell her, you know, hug her and stuff. And the girl looks at Janice Dickinson and says, I want to thank you for believing in me. And Janice goes, I didn't believe in you. I voted for the other girl.

And it was like a school bus fire. Since then, I haven't been able to look away. I know it's horrible. And I just imagine in my head that Janice probably calls this woman maybe once a month and goes, I still don't believe in this. You're never gonna make it. I saw, I think it was just on her Wikipedia page or one of the other things I read. I saw that she at one point was the quote unquote, the Simon Cowell of a show.

Like she was the, I'm the rude one to tell it like it is with actual industry experience in a show. And they fired Her for being too mean. Oh, it's your job to be mean. She just she doesn't do it in the right way I I think I've even mentioned the show on America's Next Top Model There is a moment where she shows up at the house and she's just trying to get in the drama She's like which one of which one of you girls is the bitch and one girl says yeah that one bullies me all the time And Janice Dickinson immediately sided with the bully and said,

you never rat on your sister's bitch. You're dead to me, bitch. And I'm like, oh my god. It's just unpleasant in this laser focused way. Where my bully's at? That's how she enters every room. They've got the top models in a house. So Janice Dickinson knows where they live.

They must all go to sleep with one eye open thinking, oh god, what did I say to Janice today that she might come here tonight and kill me? She has definitely drank the blood of sleeping women before, 100%. This one is supposedly about, so she invades this tiny town called Idlewood outside of LA. Actually, I have no idea where this place is. It's Idlewild. It's about an hour and a half south of LA. I've actually, I think

I passed through it once. So, and they had Bigfoot sightings there. So, this also counts as an episode of Bigfoot. Oh, sweet. That rules. That's fantastic. Yeah. So, the premise is that that's all she can afford this year is instead of this holiday vacation, but she also has like a full entourage and a camera crew with her. So I think everyone can see this as like a stupid liar, a dumb premise, whatever you want to call it. We've all booked a cabin. We've all paid an entourage of underwear men to follow us. The cost difference between a cabin

in Bumpfuckin' Tahoe is way less than the cost of one underwear model is my point. She could have made it work if she wanted a nicer vacation. Just leave one hunk at home. I do it all the time. I was fully expecting you to have like a sound clip of this. So she says all she could afford was a cabin in Idlewild, which she says is a cheap man's version of Aspen.

So like, this is the start of the special and she's already alienated the entire town she's going to be in. I think she calls it like an extremely plaid city. She calls it- Yes, plaid. I do, I have the intro. I think she mentioned some of the things we're talking about. I'm just going to play the supercut. Coming up on Christmas with the Dickensons, it's the holiday season. It should be festive and gay and happy.

And Janice is doing her part to spread peace on Earth. Son, kiss me. And goodwill across the land. Janice, we have some present for you. Oh, my God! That tree is about as fake as my boots. It's Christmas, Janice-style. This year, all I could afford was a cabin in Idlewild.

And when this sleepy mountain town Idlewild is tragically plaid. is overrun by Janice, Lights are off, fireplace doesn't work. her entourage, Princess fake. and her models. Follow me!

Hi. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Nothing will be sacred. All right, let's do this holiday thing now. Come on. Sing this. Sing it now. Sing it. Hava na gila hava. When Janis books her models into the Hollywood holiday parade,

Are you lost? She must improvise to save the day Officer, hi We're gonna be late for the parade, will you come with us? All that plus the world premiere of Janis' new music video The 12 Days of Janis I'm naked man It's the jingle-belling

chestnuts roasting Start the fire! Holiday extravaganza of the year. Coming up on Christmas with the Dickensons. It's just her being miserable over and over again. She just hates everything. I think most people would hear that though and say, what a series of ordinary events, because it pretty much is. This was back when a reality show was just entirely around a single talent's personality.

And we just, I don't know, all she does is run a modeling agency, which is a crushingly boring idea. Eventually, several years from now, they'd start doing crazy premises. They'd get nuts with it because we learned that watching noisy people do normal things just isn't TV. So if they made this today, Janis Dickinson, she'd have to survive a maze or eat one turkey every 15 hours or something.

They know that you can't just watch it. A horrible person go about their day. Ooh, both at the same time, the turkey labyrinth. Janis Dickinson is trapped in the turkey labyrinth. Turkey labyrinth. I'd watch it. I'd watch it. Everyone would watch that.

She would bump in like something would be like a Z-list celebrity like, oh my god, Clint Howard, what are you doing? And- In the turkey lab room. Chocolate rain guy. Yeah, all we get here is dog man, not even though we're gonna go into Hitler now. But yeah, this is just about her modeling agency, which I think was a real place,

but it looks like, I looked this up, it looks like she famously lost clients because she just hates everybody and talks shit about them. There was another controversy where a client wanted plus size models. And if I'm understanding her side of the argument, she hates being near those awful fatties. Yes, she does. Supported in the hilarious bloopers of this very thing we watched. You can see her yelling at someone for being gross. Yeah, for breathing on her. Yes, for daring to breathe. For being fat and breathing near her. She would tell the plus-size models,

because she had on America's Next Top Model, Tyra had began to have episodes with plus-size models. And Janice would basically walk up and go, I don't know why they're building up your hopes. She would never make it in the industry. Nobody hired her. So when she had her own modeling agency, she decided to hire models with offbeat good looks.

That's how she described them. Sometimes she would describe them as trailer park people. And then that lasted for the first season. And then the second season, it's all regular models because she's evil. Yeah, she is evil. It also opens with her like awkwardly screaming at a cue card, which I guess I can relate to. I have terrible broadcast skills myself, but it's weird how bad she is at TV. I think you're pretty good. She's really notably bad. I had to note that, too. She's she talks like a like a robot in the Hall of Presidents.

Like just it's just amazing because you have to be at least pretty good at that to have this kind of show back in the 2000s. Like, say whatever you want about Tyra Banks and God knows you can. She was pretty good at presenting. Like they're all at least like somewhat charismatic or at least they pass for human when they're talking to the camera

and she's just a busted robot. If Tyra needs you to record a song about top model backwards, which is pot lead them, which is, oh, that's going to catch on. I really think it's going to catch on. She'll come out and explain that premise in like under a minute, like competently. I feel like Janis Dickinson had just come out and like shriek and then, you know, spiders and crawl out of her mouth, the usual Janis Dickinson stuff. The first thing that they do after this, after her intro, she plays this song and she says, let's go to my new music video, the 12 days of Janis. And I'm just already embarrassed

for it. I fucking hate her so hard and I'm still embarrassed for it. I took a little clip. I apologize to everybody for this. And a fledgling modeling agency On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me Ouch! Seven doctors injecting six cups of running Five motherf***ing ugly men Four Italian suits, three former husbands Two giant breasts And a fledgling modeling agency Whoa, good God. Wow.

And you caught it fortunately right before 10 days of primping, which is that old-timey homophobia that you used to get on TV in 2 of 6. It's so bad even for what this is and you know they know it's bad because they play it first in the special. Usually what they do is they play this video last so that you'll stay through the whole special to catch the thing you really want to see. But that requires people really wanting to see this. So putting it up first is admitting like, oh, we're forcing this on you. No, you've got to. You've got to.

Someone wrote this in the cab on the way to the studio. This is fucking terrible. That's generous. Yeah. Maybe Janice wrote it over the course of many years and incorporated all of her personality disorders because it is so childlike. She points at her tits and hisses, "'Two giant breasts!'

That's fucking stupid. And she's going for this naughty, playful thing, but it's clear she hates it, everybody hates it. It feels like a high school football team drag show, but if they didn't wanna do it and we're just watching the rehearsals, it isn't a finished product. I think that's true of this entire show.

It's just everybody, it's not done and everybody hates it. Yeah, I don't know. I was really troubled by this. By my count, they had to do 66 shot setups and multiple takes in costumes for each one. I don't know. I feel like if you checked the IMDB for this show's editor, you'd have solved at least five murders.

Like I don't think anyone came through this without like being changed. This is the wrong side of reality's membrane and you can't look at it. Since you mentioned it, I once received an email from one of the editors on this. Whoa. I had mentioned this show on TV or something. Not regular TV. Somebody interviewed me for something and went up on TV. I mentioned the show and I got an email from him and he said we just had hours and hours of footage of a completely, what he described as a lost Janis Dickinson. Oh no. Okay, that's way better than I thought that was going to go. I thought I was fully prepared for you to say since you mentioned it, there was a murder.

Okay, so we had an audio malfunction and we were talking about the Janis Dixon music video. I would, it was pretty, it was the 12 days of Christmas, which means all these terrible, stupid homophobic jokes got repeated up to 12 times each. Yes. With a couple of pattern breaks, like instead of five naked men, like one of them was five butt ugly men, just to be like,

ha ha, aren't we zany? I'm saying if anyone watched this a second time, I'd say, nice try and tear off their human skin. They would burst into centipedes. What I'm trying to say is every Janis Dickinson fan is a swarm of centipedes in a wig. And now we're back to what we were talking about on the show. I'm so glad you have something funny to say about it because as we did the first recording, I deleted my notes as we went through, which I've never done before. I just want them off of my computer. I want this like purge from my memory as we do it line by line. As a person who's written a song or two and has like a radio show, bad songwriting, lazy songwriting, and it's so moon in June.

It's like they're not even trying. It's like, what, what, well, paparazzi, there we go. Let's throw them in. Yeah, yeah, that's clever. It's so bad. And I don't, even if you're watching this show, I don't associate most of these things with Janis Dickinson. It's just like, oh, an Italian suit.

I'm like, I guess that's kind of fashion-y. I don't know. I feel like it should have been all 12 really unpleasant things. Eight texel waxing is the laziest. Yeah, it should have been rectal bleeding for each one. It should have been like 12 rectal bleedings, 11 rectal bleedings, 10 rectal bleedings. 11 underwear's ruined. Five proctologies.

See, I could have done a better job. Yeah, I agree. This is already so much better. So much more effort that has been put into it. And less homophobic. So I would say, yeah, you play this for a corpse. That corpse gets up, shambles over, and turns it off. I feel like we said all we need to say about this.

And now, so Janice explains the premise of the show again, that they're going to Idlewild instead of St. Barth or Aspen or wherever. And I bet this part of the show she had some notes on, I bet she did not like going on TV and saying, hey, I'm poor, I can't afford to go to Aspen. But here we are. I think it might've been a desperate plea for money.

It was almost her like, go fund me, like I'm so poor, watch the show and next year I'll go someplace better. But the glitch that we had, this has all been playing into my theory, which I developed over the last couple of days after we had the glitch while recording, which is that the government wants no one to know about this special. It scans. And I think what they did was after she was in Idlewild, they sent in the Army Corps of Engineers and they bulldozed it.

And now if you go there, there's just an old man sitting on a stump outside the town going, why you kids want to go messing around in that old abandoned town? I guarantee you, the government has tried so hard to bury the special. This might be our last podcast if the government's after us. Yeah, this will never make it to air. It's been an honor to serve with you guys. I would argue the show probably shouldn't have made it to air because in my notes, it says that the next thing she does is she goes to see her client at Ed Hardy,

who wants to hire models, not for pants, but for a Christmas parade. This is not very good TV. Like this is, they basically sit down and he has all these like plans for a float and they pan across like a concept drawing of it. And Janice is like, oh, this float's amazing. It's gonna have penguins, igloos, all of that. And I feel like they cut something offensive

out of what she was saying because the camera was lingering like really confrontationally on this drawing of two cartoon Eskimos as if like originally and Janis Dikwas says I got this fucking Eskimos. And then they somehow like fixed that later. I call this Chekhov's parade. It's like Chekhov's gun. They got to mention it in the beginning because it's going to happen. But it's almost as if Chekhov's gun wasn't a gun that they showed you in the first act. It was like a picture of a gun or a postcard somewhere in the background that you might see about the corner of your eye and then

forget about it. Because I guarantee you, as soon as the scene wraps up, you totally forget there's going to be a parade. I don't know. I've made quite an impression on me because she opened that scene by saying she's going to see the head designer from Ed Hardy, like the guy who traces the hearts and skulls and puts them on cargo shorts. She's going to see that guy. And then it shows that guy and I have such a picture of that guy in my head. And then the guy that shows up is this really soft-spoken Frenchman. I'm like, fucking what?

It's not who I would expect to show up on career day to represent Ed Hardy. And here is my op and he brings out like, like a little skull with a pirate ship in the background. You're like, what? This is not going how I thought it would go down. And then he shows her like the float that they're gonna do. Like the Ed Hardy float, you know what you think of? You think of igloos and penguins.

It's them, that's it. There's no like twist on it. It's just like a kindergartner's first brainstorming session. Like what do you think of when you think of Christmas? Maybe there are more than one Ed Hardys. Maybe there's an Ed Hardy we don't know about. Like a little bit down the ladder, Ed with two D's, Hardy or something. I'm just, I'm just guessing that they maybe she turned up in the wrong office and the guy didn't speak a lot of English. They wanted to be nice to her. They also had a float.

I don't know. Ned Hardy over here. Ned Hardy. I think my favorite part of the Ed Hardy float stuff is that he had all the plans laid out, like Janis Dickinson needed to see them. Like she's gonna have some fucking England blueprint ideas or whatever.

Like, you know, I think we can support these. The way that they're doing it makes it seem right. Like she's gonna be involved somehow in the parade or the design. And they cut before they like make it very clear. Well, they don't cut, she leaves before they make it very clear that what you're actually doing is you're in charge of putting up to five beautiful people on top of this. And that's the end. And it's not like she said, I have a deep bench of indigenous native Alaskans that'll look great as these Eskimos. It's, it's, she's just like, okay, cool. Bye. Nice fucking igloo plants. Here's my fail son. And her son cracks me the fuck up.

He then he talks like a Kyle Mooney impression. It's great. They make it clear later on, they actually spell it out. So I don't know if Janice got final cut on this and she has something against her son. And later on, they will spell it out in no uncertain terms with video that he is a moron. Yeah, it's brutal.

He is not qualified. Like he's so perfectly unqualified that I'm not sure he's real. Like this is a casting director's pick for like a brilliant actor playing a fail son. It's so bad. I'm saying the segment is so bad. I'm suspicious Janis Dickinson does not have a son.

That's what I'm suggesting. There's no way. See, look, like I'm, that has to be her son. I'm not like an actor or presenter. And I know that shit is harder than it looks, but like she, he has that same ability she has, which is the complete and total inability to appear human whatsoever.

It's like, I assumed that was a result of like the upper part of her skull can't move because of all the plastic surgery, but no, her teenage son has the same thing. He looks like he's like a Skyrim cutscene. He's like a clutch cargo animation. Like only the mouth moves. It's like Riverdance of the face. At this point, I should point out at this juncture that folks, in case you didn't catch it earlier, Brockway and Sean Baby are not big fans of Janis Dickinson. I think that they consider her to be a horrible person.

And I think that is only because of the things you've heard her say and witnessed her death. And if, well, and the emotions displayed by all of the people around her on this, the holidays, which she has chosen to show us. Focus more on her early modeling career. It's like, if you didn't know about Tate LaBianca, you go Charles Manson's work with the Beach Boys was astounding. If you need to take a minute and ground yourself, just focus on her modeling. I think what I liked about the fail son being here

is he kind of was putting on the act like he was there in some sort of a professional capacity. He's like, so when we'll have the models do the modeling, what are you thinking for the modeling fee as if they're going to negotiate the rates with this fucking doofus. Like, so even if this was a real job and not just clumsy TV time nepotism,

and he was really there to write down the number of models and the price of the models, I feel like this guy would fuck it up. Like he would take a wrong turn. He'd bring an ostrich to Calvin Klein and just drop a stick of dynamite and be like, I did it mom. And he almost botched it.

This was purely for TV. And he, like I look in at the Ed Hardy Frenchman's face, you could see him think like, you know what, maybe we don't have a deal. Yeah. Like, I know this. I know this was just a formality for television, but I'm not, I don't traffic with robots.

I'm not a quiz link to humanity. Where else are you gonna find five pretty people in LA? Ridiculous. I'm just so glad Nathan didn't go into medicine or firefighting or anywhere where he, you know, some job where he would have carried a gun or something. Yeah, I'm just, let's just be happy to have him doing what he's doing. He's over in the corner doing what he does. And they will, again, in very specific terms, point out that he is a moron. There is no way he passes the Turing test. No. What do we have next?

Next, Janice goes to- The puppy. Yeah, that's right, the puppy. There's some guy who gives like the full domain name of his bulldog breeding center. I went there. There's no way it still exists. I went there, yes.

Two things I did. I looked at his Instagram page, which I regretted instantly. Oh no. That's why it's called Instagram. You his Instagram page, which I regret it instantly. Oh no. That's why it's called Instagram. You instantly regret it. Instantly regret it. A lot of scientific information about viruses and masks. But I also went to that website because they have, like I thought when you pull it up,

there'd be a big banner thing across like, as seen on Christmas with the Danes. Because I've got that tattooed across my back. I've got a huge back piece. But he actually, not only is it not there, but if you go to Satisfied Customers, you don't see Janice. She was not a satisfied customer. I guarantee you she's never been.

Well, what bothered me about this was he deals in Bulldogs. And her daughter asked for, I believe, a teacup terrier. Right. And somehow he also has that. He shows up with a bulldog, which is what he does, and a teacup. And this is like if I called some guy to fix my sink and he also tuned my piano. And he also brought a teacup terrier. I'm here to fix the sink and sell some very small dogs. See, Todd is his name and Todd is the guy that I pictured designing Ed Hardy clothes. Like that's, he's the head designer for Ed Hardy, not the soft-spoken Frenchman. The soft-spoken Frenchman should sell you the teacup terrier.

Yeah. You're like it's a little dog. I would buy so many tiny terriers from that Frenchman. Like, and I would be a shirt of their quality. This guy has, he's like, let me describe him. He's kind of like a Vin Diesel flesh monster. shirt of their quality. This guy has he's like, let me describe him. He's kind of like a Vin Diesel flesh monster. But he but he affects like the sing

song a Mr. Rogers voice. He's like your real worst case scenario to run into alone if you're a woman in the woods. He's like terrifying in several directions. He asked her about flatulence. He's like, How are you with flatulence? I'm not talking about your own. I'm talking about the dog. He's like got that really aggressive like he asked questions, but doesn't wait for the answer type of like, I'm just really putting on a show. He has this whole bit planned anyway, like nobody likes it. Janis Dickinson literally calls him crazy.

That's after he gives her the we're not so different you and I speech. Yes, yes. We're not so different to you. We're not so different. We both tasted blood. The full Cobra Commander. And she like nods at him and then immediately in the testimonial she's like, he was fucking crazy.

Like every single person that has been on this show, even just so far, has watched this episode and gone, that bitch! Like every single person. And he's testing her to find out if she's fit to take the dog. Right. She could have shown up with Michael Vick and a chainsaw. And he would have given her that. Yeah, imagine testing her for the ability to love and care for something and being like, yes, you pass. Fantastic. He demonstrates a big problem with this type of reality show where you have

like a principal star who's, who's loud and obnoxious and a narcissistic mess. And that's kind of fun if you, you know, you put them up in situations and you're like, oh, look, everyone has to react to this terrible person. But like, when you add guests with that kind of big personality, you get two people who are just bad listeners who need to be the center of attention.

They're just each putting on different like, me, me, me acts and it just fucking sucks. Just two maniacs taking turns delivering unrelated catchphrases. Yeah, it's about how, about how I would say half of her interactions go. How's my plan for this episode? I? Just think you need to have her with like normal people Who hate her tantrums a second attention whore is just frustrating in bad TV, and they like they can't communicate He's like what do you think about farts? She's like what the fuck I invented

I invented farts in 1969 on the set of Wikipedia has me down as the first super farter. We're not so different, you and I. I also was the first supermodel. This is when she comes back on and says the town of Idlewild is plaid. They gotta hit that a couple times. It's not really a roast.

Like I feel like I know what she means that it's bland, but plaid is not bland. It's pretty really a roast. Like, I feel like I know what she means that it's bland, but plaid is not bland. It's pretty famously eclectic. You could be a lumberjack, grunge, slutty skirt, those three things. Meanwhile, as she's trashing this town, they're cutting to the establishing shots they took of it looking absolutely beautiful and idyllic. Yeah. Yeah, if it still existed. I would vacation there.

Yeah, if it wasn't- If the government had destroyed it. Bombed into rubble and paved over and had several pylons erected with like some sort of language, like a visual language to warn the future long after they've lost English. Like a hieroglyph of Janus Dickinson. You don't even know. You just need a picture of Janus. I think future generations will look at that and understand. Stay away.

Visual shorthand. The shit's going wrong. Like the power goes out. One of the hunks is stapling blue tinsel to the wall and it looks like crap. So he's like, I have a quote, these decorations suck. Did a straight person buy these decorations? And I mean, that's a pretty solid burn. It's just, they're so unhappy from the moment they set foot in their fucking mansion, in their forest cabin mansion, the second they were they're like, oh, this is miserable. This just got awful. And like they start to say, oh, everything's going wrong because the two gay men,

both her designers that she brought with her can't light a fire. She's like, oh, this is all this is all trash. Like But you don't have the right people on that job. Have you ever been in a restaurant and seen like a really angry, mean old lady? You just can't enjoy it. Like whenever I see one, my wife and I were dining in Bucks County, and I made sure I was seated across from this really angry woman. And we, I kept focusing on, cause I wanted to see, cause she just hated everything. I don't like this. I don't like that. I don't. And there, there've been a, there's supposed to be a birthday party on the table she was on before. So there was glitter and like she hated glitter. She hated. I, that is what Janice Dickinson is.

She's the old woman in the restaurant that hates everything. I have nothing on this menu I can eat. I don't like this waiter. I used to wait tables exclusively at private country clubs. That was my job. So that was like exclusively my clientele. Like those were the only customers I got, were like the old women who could not enjoy things anymore, who had like, who had gotten everything in their life too early, one can assume, and had no joy left to distribute. And I would say they were all nicer unilaterally than Janis Dickinson. Like some people loved them.

I saw evidence that every once in a while, like a grandchild that was fond of them. I saw no evidence of that in this show. Those children could not fake liking her. She's not just unpleasant like those old ladies, but like she's always on. Like she knows the cameras are on, so she has to do a big show of hating it.

You know, it gets amplified. I didn't like any of this. I mean, obviously I don't think anyone could. I feel like that's the point, is like watch these people be miserable. But she sends one of the gays to go shopping. She's like, go just get some random shit in this plaid town to make the inside of this beautiful.

She gives him like $1, dollars in cash and a credit card. And then she says, go get me some hot underwear too. And he just completely ignores it because I think he knows the show is sexless. Like Janis Dickinson, she obviously fucks like a board bear trap. Like we can all agree to that. And she surrounds herself with gay men.

Like there's no sex appeal to this show. For the record, I'm saying Janis Dickinson makes love by holding her nose and eating cat penises. That's just what it says in my notes. That poor man had to imagine when she said, get me some sexy underwear, he had to imagine for a while her and her underwear. So the next shot should have been him outside vomiting.

Yeah. Just digging holes and just wrenching into it. Because I know that's what happened. And my wife and I were pretty hammered when we saw this, but yeah, I think we were ill for a little while. And as she's a supermodel, you would think like, oh, she should be a beautiful, sexy woman. And I feel like maybe if you've never heard her talk or seen her, you're like, okay, I don't know. Like her personality is a negative 10. So no matter what, it's gonna bounce out to zero.

Setting all physicality aside, there's just something about hate that like the naked hate is not is not generally sexy. Even if you put really hot underwear on it, you're still like, oh, that's, that's only mostly naked hate now. Right. Like if someone comes back from the event horizon, their eyes are bleeding out, you're not like, oh, look at this sexy abs. Like you're like you have other evil you need to worry about. You're in a fight for your look at those sexy abs. Like you have other evil you need to worry about. You're in a fight for your life against the powers of hell. So the next guy arrives.

I'm packing a lot. I'm so lost in my notes. I just spit wine all over my mind. I just spit wine over my wife. The next part she's driving, she's having all of her models driven out there to give them her presents. Oh, right. Which is the gift of them working for her for free over Christmas. Yes, I have a clip of the guy who just got a gig in French Vogue who does not give a shit. Let me play this clip. You know what that means? What French Vogue means to you, Mr. Chris Jones,

is that you're taking yourself to the top by following all of the grooming and development that I've been arduously putting you through for the last several months. So congratulations to you. I work for you. Hey brother, I work for you. And this is the pinnacle of what a male model could ever get.

Really stoked about it. Apparently, it's a pretty big deal. Finally, I'll be making money from modeling. You know what? Finally, you can just stop that. Stop hanging out with that. Foy boy, pretty boy, Marcus Foy, get over here. Okay, so they captured a really special moment there where this guy's like, probably a little tactless, where he's like, finally, I'm gonna make some money modeling, which is kind of a dig at Janice, because she's basically his manager. And if he's not making money, that's because she's bad at her job, in a way that contributes. So she's about to fucking yell at him and realizes like, we can see it. is like, we can see it. Try to transition out of that.

She's like, oh, shit, I'm on TV. I can't be like, listen to me, you fucking you make whatever fucking money. You know, she was about to start yelling at him. And then you heard that word salad come out of her mouth because the black guy walked in. And that's that was Janis Dickinson trying to both transition out of a rage tantrum and also into her black coded language, because she does code switch when she talks to black people. You already knew that.

You knew the second we started talking about Janis Dickinson that that was gonna come up. The only thing I wanna add to your description is that the entire time this is happening, when she's unleashing that screed on him, he is wearing a Knit scarf, a beanie, and no shirt. Yes. She begins to berate the way he talks. I mean, it's absolutely, I don't understand, if you did this in any other workplace, you'd be down at HR and they'd be giving you a long, hard talk. And then apparently one of them, she takes his apple juice

and begins to smell it. There's Jack Daniels in that, which you know somebody hits the sauce pretty hard when they can tell you exactly what it is. Yeah. And well, she broke the seal on it. And he's like, told her that. He's like, yeah, that's regular apple juice.

You broke the seal on that. It's just like a bit she's doing. You can only smell Jack Daniels because of like your personal history. Like there's, you've got a small amount stored in your sinuses like a squirrel. She's dabbing it behind her ears. They sent the gay fellas at the CVS

just buying Christmas ornaments. It's not going well. He's like, this tiny little tourist town does not have elaborate, fanciful Christmas decorations for the home. What's the theme he lands on? I think he bought like some big ceramic like high heel shoes. The theme he lands on is a very gay Christmas as though it was ever going to be anything

else. Right. A very C-word Christmas. Can we back up a little bit because something happens, I believe, before that, or at least it's before that in my notes. She actually did have a model who was successful, a young lady named Nyabelle. Okay, yeah. And Nyabelle says to Janice, I don't feel well.

Right. And Janice begins to give the speech. Okay. I just made a note that of the two black models, there's only two black models, and she yells at each of them very specifically about not complaining. And you can tell the lesson is important because each of them very specifically about not complaining. And you can tell the lesson is important because she rewards this very simple idea 15 times,

and she didn't do it for any of the white people, while also she has been complaining about fucking everything this entire life. Like, not just the show. But I know this is your favorite quote, Rodney, because she does have a valuable lesson to impart. Do you wanna see if you can do it from memory before I play the clip?

I think I can do it from, only because, and I and I rememorized it when you sent me the new version, but I used to do this when we got our new bass player. I would say it to our new bass player a lot because he'd say like, oh, why we got to be out in the story? So this is, I knew ever since I was nine years old that I wanted to be a model. Even if my foot was being chopped off, even if there were these corns on my toes. Sounds right. I think styes in my eyes and blood coming out of my ass. Let's see if you got it.

I knew ever since I was nine years old that I wanted a model even if my foot was being cut off. Even though there were corns on my toes, styes in my eyes, blood coming out of my ass. I think you're word for word. She lists that so quick. cut off even though there were corns on my toes, styes in my eyes, blood coming out of my ass. I think you're word for word. She lists that so quick. I was pretty close but only because when it happened my wife and I turned to each other on the sofa with mimosas in our hands and went, did she just say blood coming out of my ass? And somebody else had quoted it to me once but somebody, they didn't see it but somebody quoted it it to them. But I had no, because it had went, the government hid this. So until Sean, you sent me the link, I had no way to sample this. So as soon as you sent me the link, I sampled it and I was playing it for the band. And they're

like, oh my God, that's exactly the way you say it? And then we played Riot Fest and our sound guy, damn map, is really good at taking the limiters off things. So he knew I had that sample. So he kept having me play it during sound check and he would just boom it through the whole place. So the ground would shake and you hear it go like, blood coming out of my ass at like 140 decibels. That's awesome.

Later she contradicts this advice. Have a clip of this. Never let the client, me or anybody else know how bad you're feeling unless there's blood coming out of every orifice, okay? Really goes back to the well on the blood coming out of the ice. It makes me think that's a personal story. Doubles down on it. Yeah, you don't just pull that out of your head. You know what I'm saying? That that is something that had to happen. Maybe I don't know when they you know how they have to ride around Rome on Vespas. And then maybe somebody was like, you know, I like that one model, but I can't remember which one it was. And then they look at the Vespa with the blood all over it. Oh, Cinderella story for the for asshole blood. I think a month has gone by in my life since I saw

this that I have not thought about that. Prince Charming cruising around Italy looking for someone with the same anal blood match as the vest one. It's got to be the pattern you make. You'll have her sit on your brand new white seat and be like, oh, this is it. The flower. Like a Rorschach, but it's a heart.

I think we might have lost our minds. They come in with like a normalized Christmas tree. And Janice screams that tree is as fake as my boobs. Which is just no one thinks it's cute. I love that they made the models bring the Christmas tree in and the problem wasn't this is too heavy to carry. The problem is that they can't all agree on which direction down is. Yeah. There's a genuine like, it's quiet because they don't film the dialogue over

to do a voiceover over it. But you can see them like one starts to lower the end, the other starts to lower the other and then they both like have this pointing at each other look like, no, no, this is down. The other's like, no, no, this is down. Yeah, I can relate to this. I grew up beautiful myself. And so it just doesn't come up.

When you're beautiful, people just don't ask you to move things up and down. It's just, people do it for you. They didn't fluff the tree very well, and Janice screams, my dead mother is rolling in her grave. I didn't take a clip, but that's just how she reacts to a tree that hasn't quite been fluffed properly yet. They just set it down, and her dead mother is flipping. Like that's the level of drama this woman brings just to normal human shuffling.

God, imagine actually being stuck in a room with this. Like I at least had the option to go leave this computer and experience love. I didn't take it, but I had that option and it's nice. I imagine her dead mother has been rolling in her grave for a while. This wasn't the thing that triggered it. You know, we can probably take a few steps back and go, yeah, this is probably the one. Some small city is probably powered by Janice's mother rolling in her grave. Probably ever since the bleeding out of the ass incident. Yeah. The next thing that happens is, well, everyone complains. They do all these testimonials where like, yeah, this really sucks.

Janice is kind of a terrible boss and I really am having an unpleasant time. But then Janice calls everyone together and she says, trashylaundry.com is the sponsor. And so she stops the terrible party and tells everyone they could be wearing like lewd underpants for her stupid TV show. And they hate it, like you would, like anybody would. They're like, this fucking sucks. Oh, you got us promo swag, novelty underwear, sweet. I wanted chemical burns on my genitals, thank you.

That's- And I think she makes it clear that they have to send the underwear back. I'm sure they will. You don't get to keep the underwear. No, it's on loan. One guy does make the point that he wishes they were wearing regular clothes, but whatever.

I wish on this unpaid holiday vacay, that's the, that I'm working through, I wish that I got to wear clothing like a human, but I guess that's not for me. I guess that's not in the cards. It is crazy how in any other context or business, this would just be horrible, horrible, like sex crimes. So they all get together to do a stupid picture

of her Christmas card, and Janice is giving really hostile direction. Like, you know, model talk. She's saying shit like, wake up your arms or give me whatever. And I think this language is pretty stupid, but I also sort of think it might mean something during some photo shoots.

I'm sure there are some things you could say to a model that could give them an actionable thing they can do, but Janice is pretty clearly just putting on a performance of like main taskmaster. She's not communicating fucking jack shit. It's just empty meanness and all these poor people know. So she'll just scream something at them about like their eyes and then just kind of shift restlessly. Like they don't, they're like, okay, sure Janice, I'll take that note. And then they just move to the left.

It has all the consistency of someone in a Kaiju movie screaming as the city's being attacked. Yes. It's like, look over there! Let's run through the harbor! Let's, you know, let's, you know, cover your head! It just goes all over the place. It's a great way to describe this. In one of her testimonials as she's describing what this is, which this whole thing is she's making a Christmas card for her modeling agency, like this is what they're going to send out for Christmas. And that's why she needs to ruin all of these people's lives. In her testimonial, she's like, I thought of this. I thought of this me 25 years ago, or which is can't be the right number.

She surely must have met 50 years ago when I was just starting out for the Casablanca's agency. I thought of this and now I finally get to do it for my... Imagine like the idea that she has is you all pose in Christmas stuff and I'm like Santa and you're like my elves, which you might recognize as the same idea every used car lot has ever had for Christmas. Every father of six. She has held on to that. Maybe she meant she invented the Christmas card. That could be.

I came up with this idea, send cards at Christmas. She's so impressed with her own idea, she held onto it for 25 years. It has to be longer than that, but she says 25 years I've held onto this just to get credit for this idea, which again is like HR's in charge of the theme for the Christmas card this year. Like that's... I get the feeling there was a statute of limitations on something that she did. You know what I

mean? And she had to wait, you know, maybe manslaughter or something, and she had to wait and give that 25 year thing, you know? So if somebody digs back and they find a picture of some, you know, her running some people over with a sled or something, they can go, oh, okay, that's it. I've heard of her murdering one of the models in that Christmas card. Some guy wrote the idea of Christmas cards on his chest in a tattoo and Janis Dickinson removed his skin and flesh and she's been sitting on it for 25 years. The only point I was trying to make by bringing this up was that Janis Dickinson somehow made

it look like modeling was not a craft. It's just a bunch of pretty people shuffling around, which I feel like the Tyra Banks show about modeling at least made it look like there was a skill involved. Janis Dickinson has destroyed that theory in my brain. Anyway, they take a picture, it's stupid, and she makes them come with her outside, but as is, like in their underpants. Obviously, they're complaining, it's cold, it's fucking December in Idlewild, and they go caroling. I don't know how long they did this, they only show footage of one house. Yeah, one guy says it's humiliating,

one girl plainly explains, we're going caroling in our underwear. Cause she knows, we know that's fucked up, there's no need to like describe how fucked up it is. Janice phrases this as a holiday surprise for the model, she says, I have a holiday surprise for you. And when they cut to that girl who's like, we're going caroling in our underwear. The first thing she says is the way she's talked about it.

I thought we were all getting cars or something, but no, we're going caroling in our underwear. I don't think this was filmed in December. I think this was filmed in March. Oh, you're probably right. So what happens is imagine you're a homeowner in this quaint little town, and I'm going to give some extra backstory and just say the guy whose door they knock on, him and his wife have been ER doctors. So they've seen a lot of blood coming out of a lot of asses.

Yeah. They retired to this little town, little quiet town. And then one March afternoon, there's a whole bunch of models like shivering to death in their underwear on their porch. So I just imagine he goes back inside and just hear a couple of gunshots. Led by a terrifying gargoyle come to life who was literally whipping them every time the cameras point away. They do take it well, but like you could make the case that this is a real gentle sex crime. If they weren't hot, if this was just a mob of normal naked people at your door,

it would be in the top 10 worst things that could ever happen to you. I just could not believe the amount of hate that was involved in this scene. Like the models hate it, first of all, obviously, they're freezing. Like this is a physical punishment. And she actually says when she starts this off like the reason I'm doing This is like some sort of psychological torture to see who dares to complain like yeah fucking okay, so she hates it She hates them Obviously the homeowners completely like it even if they were briefed ahead of time you can see the hatred on their face plain as day

They hate you know everybody involved from every side hates everything that's happening. This is a punishment for everyone in reaction to nothing. They're no crime. I mentioned this earlier. I want to make it clear. There's nothing alluring about this at all. Like, this is not like a sexy singing telegram situation. These are really bored and unhappy people. And they're fashion models, so they're like not presenting sexually, I guess.

They're just a bunch of people that look unhappy that lost their clothes. Like, there's no reason to look at this and think, like, oh, what happened? There must have been a bus accident on the way back from a beach party or something. If David Bowie would have shown up at Bing Crosby's house to sing Little Drummer Boy and then made him strip to his underwear, and Carol, it wouldn't have been as upsetting as this. Yes, that actually sounds pretty sexy. Yeah, I'd watch that. I would like to see that. So Janice as this. Yes, that actually sounds pretty sexy. Yeah, I'd love that.

I would like to see that. So Janice's kids show up, that burns like 30 seconds. She compares them to her gays, or kids of her gays. Unfavorably. That's gotta make them feel great. Yeah, unfavorably. My kids and my gays, like Jerry's kids or something, but like she owns them. Like she's bred gay people on a ranch somewhere.

There's a small moment, I'm worried we'll skip over it, where her fail son goes to close the blinds while she actively hates him for it the whole time. And in all fairness, he somehow deserves it because he fucks up closing the blinds so badly that it knocks down half the house. Not only does he fuck it up, he gets tangled up in the blocks. They give him the simplest task that you can give someone. And then the next thing they do, and the uncles later point out, they say that, you know, the gay uncles say, well, you're vulgar. And they talk about how stupid he is. But around that same

time, he is getting tangled up in the blinds. All he had to do was say, go over there and just manipulate this little thing. And he could not do that. He might be literally the reason they put like choking hazard on the blinds. Like I think if you took a picture of him and put it in silhouette mode it would mirror the icon that they put on the blinds for choking hazard. Imagine the cop showing up at his house and thinking he auto erotic fixated himself. No no he's just another one of these and it just turned out he doesn't know how blinds he can fight. Another one of these and it just turned out he doesn't know how blinds work Just oh, it's astonishing how badly he fails at that like there's fail son And then there's destroyed the house trying to close the blinds fail son The fucking looney toons shit Janice does try to help him and ends up knocking over more shit

And then she has this great great idea to put mistletoe over her head, and I have a clip She's a very loved woman the people in her life love her Right, I'm gonna walk around the house kiss me Duke just kiss me You have a cold forget it Savvy kiss me You don't have a cold sorry.? You have a cold, forget it. Savvy, kiss me. I got a cold, sir. You don't have a cold, sir. Alright, son, kiss me.

None of you have herpes, okay? Don't hit him. Gabriel, kiss me. Jeez, don't hit him. There's so many favorite parts to that clip, but one of my favorite parts is just that you can hear the sun trying to close the blinds and that sounds like a bunch of glass breaking somehow. That's him failing to close the blinds, all that shattering and chaos at the start. It's him choking to death.

That was the final noises of a dead man. I hope you liked hearing it. Everybody volunteers that they have a disease instead of kissing her on TV. They know they're on TV. Like I have herpes. I can't do it. Here's a fun thing. The kid's dad is Jewish, which makes them Jewish because everyone famously knows Judaism

is passed down by the father. And here's the thing. If two of the three Dickensons are on the show are Jewish, why isn't it Hanukkah with the Dickensons? Although I think we're about to find out. Yeah, we are about to find out. So they do like a clumsy mockery of lighting a menorah. Janice demands they take the ham off the table. I have the menorah part. Please play that. We have to take the ham off the table. This is not right. All right. This is not kosher. It's got to go off the table.

My mom had me light a menorah, which she thought she was being nice, but it turned out, I don't know, it got awkward. Nathan, seriously, dude, honor this. You were bombarded in Israel, just do it. I spoke Hebrew, I didn't know what was going on. Just do it, come on, Nathan, do it. All right, everybody shut up.

Amazing. So she makes Nathan try to recite the Torah and he has no fucking idea. And then the daughter jumps in and explains just the story behind Hanukkah. It's really awkward. I don't, they've clearly never celebrated Hanukkah before. The daughter's take on Hanukkah is, and I'm not, people you can check this out, there was some oil and it lasted for eight nights.

And I'm thinking Kanye could have given a better taste. Steve Bannon could have given us a better Hanukkah story. Yeah. She screamed like four or five syllables of Hava Nagila. Right. Famous Hanukkah song. It's identical to how you'd celebrate Hanukkah if you were making fun of a Hanukkah, I guess is what we can all take from it. I just like that they'll cut straight from Nathan failing to close the blinds to giving him the opportunity to try to light eight candles.

Like, what about his performance so far? They give him fire. They give him an open. And turns out he burns the daughter. He hurts himself. Like, this is just... Some producer behind, like, saw him close the blinds, did not prompt him, and it was just like, oh my god, guys, closing on the blinds. This is the story of the show. I know. And just because we haven't had enough casual racism, they then have to explain to Janice what Kwanzaa is. Yeah, god, that was weird. Someone mentioned, yeah, they explained that it's how African Americans celebrate Christmas and she screams, where's Niabelle?

She's already left. She knows that she's left. So this wasn't like, no, we got to find her and ask her. It was like, haha, isn't this a funny joke? I know a black person. And you know, Nyabel got the, said like, I'm getting the fuck out of here before she asked me about Kwanzaa. The second, yes, absolutely. I have a theory that this is the longest amount of time

she's ever spent with her kids, or these actors that are pretending to be her kids. Cause I, here's my theory. I don't believe sperm can survive inside Janice Dickinson long enough to fertilize her spider eggs. That's just like my theory. No, these would have to be her kids. There's no one else on the planet that these children could belong to. If you stop anyone on the street and you say, can you tell me the story of Hanukkah? And they just go, uh, some oil and that's Janice Dickinson's child but you would not think anyone else had fathered here operate the simple machine no okay yeah you're Janice Dickinson's child the only word

he probably knows as close to he rose putz because he gets called that a lot and he probably thinks it's a cute nickname i as a gentile i found this pretty fancy i was i really was like a mockery yes it was so she she gives her kids puppies. And this part's nice. Everyone's like, hey, these are puppies. I like this. And then fucking fail son ruins it. I got a clip.

Savannah got a Yorkie and it's like, it would lose a fight to a gay pig. It's adorable. Did he say? Did he say gay pig? Getting paid. What is a gay pig? I was like, is he saying it would lose a fight to a gay pig? Cause that, I think. What is a gay pig? I was like, is he saying it would lose a fight to a gay pig?

Because that's a weird fight to get him. I didn't mean Guinea pig. I'm going to give him, but he only has a very limited vocabulary. He knows two gay people. Maybe he's seen a pig. Maybe he puts that together. Maybe he thinks Guinea pigs are called gay pigs. He's a very stupid man.

He got caught in the blinds. He burned his sister trying to light a menorah. How are we going to expect him to come up with an analogy? I have a theory that he's so hard to understand when he talks because he's trying to swallow each word like it's food. Right. There's something in his mouth is all he knows.

And so he thinks that's food and tries to eat it. He's having a little gay pig. I did not know this was a stereotype. I did not know that if two pigs were in a fight, like a relevant question would be, well, which one of those pigs is gay before I place my bet on this pig fight? And the gay pig is going to win the fight.

So maybe it's not quite homophobic. Right, maybe. Maybe there's a training school somewhere for gay pigs. I don't know. I like that it's the only positive emotion that has been shown thus far in the entire special is these children reacting to these dogs and it immediately cuts from that to Janisyn's going I'm gonna have to pick up this fucking dog's shit. Just couldn't allow one moment. Just like instinctively you knew. I lose a lot of sleep wondering what happened to those dogs.

It couldn't have ended well. There's no way Nathan didn't eat those dogs. He's just so dumb, you know, Nathan Where's the dog what dog the dog used to own and like the doors open like flapping back and forth I tried to use that to start my car the dog Nathan. Are you talking about your bicycle? There's like that and nine more dead animals in the blinds. Nathan's just building a graveyard in their window. So the next thing in the show is just the parade. And I took in my notes like the fuck? Oh, I had forgotten about the parade.

It hit me that like their Christmas vacation was over. Like they didn't have any holiday activities except for like mocking Judaism. Putting a ham and a lobster on the table as everyone does. As everyone does. They surprised two old people. When I say surprised, I put that in heavy quotes because I bet they went to those people's house and said, hey, can we have 10 people in their underpants come up and sing Jingle Bells? I don't know. Assault is a kind of surprise. It's like a variation. Yeah, sure. It's such a terrible show and now it's a televised parade, which I think we can all agree isn't great.

I have two of my best friends live in Hollywood and have lived there for, I'm gonna say 20 some years. And I've asked them about this parade and they think I pulled it out of my bleeding ass. Because they're like, what? What Hollywood parade? I've never heard of this. So I mean, I don't think they staged it. I don't think they had enough money. But I think right after, as Janus kills everything or maybe part of the government's plot to erase this from our memories, I think the parade was stopped right after this. Yeah, it lived in West Hollywood for a while.

I have no idea what they're talking about. This would have ruined at least one of my days with the traffic, I'm sure. Did they show other floats? Is it possible they did fake this parade? You would only need- They showed several people enjoying themselves, and I don't think they have enough money to fake that.

That's true. But yeah, Janice does explain parades. That's part of the show. Now the driver's having trouble getting to the float, and then a friendly cop shows up, and they ask him to lead the way, and this is so fucking goddamn planned. They do this thing where Janice's like,

"'Oh, officer, can you show us where to get to our float? And she like sticks her leg out the car as if like she's trying to be like, Yoo hoo, big boy, help me. And it's like the least seductive thing. Like it looks like she's maybe just gonna squirt some blood out of her ass onto the street. Like officer, you stand back. I've got to like let out 19 pounds of fluid blood. I have to vent regularly. Now I'm no big city lawyer, like my friends Brockway and Sean, they were here. But I would like to refer to the lyrics of The Twelve Days of Christmas, where it says, 11 charges pending.

Clearly, this cop was not doing his job. He should have tased her. He should have realized there were warrants out on Janice Dickinson. If the song is to be believed and brought her in. You've got 11 charges pending. Case closed. I just love that after the cop agrees to escort them, one of the white models yells out, LAPD, I love you, which is one of the most hateful things said this episode. Yeah.

I'm so sorry I made you guys watch this. Didn't even hear that. That's so funny. So let me talk about the float because we looked at all those igloo plans earlier and the float is a fucking white platform with a two-foot penguin that they just got at Costco. And like a little igloo that someone can sit on. There are no Eskimos. That's a good decision. Someone made a good choice somewhere along the fabrication process. And then they just scream and wave at this small group of people, which may or may not be hired extras for one block of a parade, of a fake parade. I love this so much, because at the start of the show,

they thought this was gonna be the story of like, well, how are we gonna get through this parade? So that they built it up like, I only have three weeks to prepare my models for this. How are we gonna make it? And then after they cut to one of the models They built it up like, I only have three weeks to prepare my models for this. How are we going to make it? And then after they cut to one of the models for an afterwards testimonial and she says, it was so nice to book a job with no prep, no run through, just stand there and wave

to the crowd. Completely unaware that that was at the start of this episode, Janice was like, oh my God, three weeks. I was like, I love just, I got to just stand there. Something about that quote like really helped cement in my brain that these are, these are naked, these naked people that are working models, just trying to pose with products for a living. They have no interest in saying outrageous things

for attention or being on trash reality TV. They're just kids who are like, yeah, I want to go to a modeling agency and like pose with products and I don't know. It sucks that they're attached to Janis Dickinson and it shows how they'd be so much happier if they weren't. If they were just regular models. Or worked in a sweatshop. They might be happy. Yeah, that might be better. Or just quit and walked the earth trying to write the wrongs that they encountered. Yeah, anything would be better than this, especially since they go back

to the agency afterwards, and she's once, she pulls this twice in the same episode, says, I've got a real nice holiday surprise for you. And she hands out white envelopes and you can see on each model's face like, oh, finally, okay, we're getting, we're getting our real actual holiday bonus. And it's a copy of the Christmas card promotional photo

that they worked over the holidays ostensibly to do for free that she gave them. Here's a memento of your very sad and stressful day. Now I'm gonna slap each of you. That's who I am. And the other thing is that this is such a, even in 2006, this was a pretty antiquated type of reality show.

And so all these kids, they're like 20 year olds, they just didn't get it. Cause Janis Dixon is trying to create like talking points for just square grandmas. Like, Did you see? Christmas carrying your underwear? Oh, what do they think of next? Like, like 20 year olds can't relate to that type of shit. They're gonna look at that and roll their eyes. Yeah, we were in a different era of reality show. We've done some of these. And by this point, they were like, you one of one amongst you was a murderer find him first before he finds you like that was the era we were in. Our reality shows were like oops, you ate your parents, which one of these contained your parents by taste alone and like We're like, this is good reality TV. You had Rock of Love where occasionally an animal would get loose into the house, by which I mean Brett Michaels. Or you had like the Osbornes. It's weird, but I kind of like it as a reality show

because it's like Jaws without the shark. I often wonder if they took the shark out of Jaws, would it actually be a better film? So I think it works on a different level. I think it's Jaws with all shark. One shark, 17 gay pigs. That shark ate my gay guinea pig. Do you have the clip of the last line that she takes the show out on?

No, but I have the clip of her when they were the behind the scenes when they were working with the ugly men. That's the last clip I have. She was like taking them out of their holiday special and she's like, well, a lot of things went went wrong but I still got to spend the holidays with the people I care about. Duke and Gabe, which are her two gay designers, with all the people I care about, Duke and Gabe, pause. Long, long pause.

Long pregnant pause. And my children! Whose names I cannot remember. I want to say, Northen and Suzanne. Just I will list by name my my two gay stylists that I brought and then pause and stare at the horizon for a good solid two minutes and then go on my children. Yeah, Venetian blind boy and oil girl.

Those are my kids. OK, so then they show the the making of the behind the scenes. And it's just as amazingly terrible as you might imagine behind the music video. And they had these gross men come in. There was like five guys that replaced the naked men for just one of the verses. And they were like big dudes,

and they were trying to pretend to be ugly. And the director's like, I need you to be just ugly, like crazy. And here's a clip of that. We're here to show the world that big is blue. Gentlemen, that was one third of the ugly I need. I need ugly. Stop breathing on me.

Stop breathing on me. I asked you to breathe on Maxon. He's breathing on me. And the director had to explain to her, yeah, lady, I told him to breathe heavily. She just really hates ugly people. Why do regular people have to breathe? So she just hates everybody and everybody hates her.

It's true. It's a holiday miracle. Einstein 100, Frankfurt! Our podcast is great! And with maximum 1,900 1,900 Frankfurt 1,900 1,900 Frankfurt 1,900 1,900 Frankfurt 1,900 1,900

Yeah! 9,000! In the future, all war is handled by elite warriors doing single battle in immense high-tech fighting decks. We call these warriors... The Supremes Aaron Crosston Adrian H. Aiden Moat

Alex Nolenberg is right. There's nothing in the rulebook that says your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw cock. AlphaScience's Jabba, Unanti, Armando Nava, Bim Talzer, Brendan Garlok, Brian Salem, Burrito, Cero, Cheddar Wolf is also right. There's still nothing in the rulebook saying you can't have a giant chainsaw cock. Common sense is right too. There remains nothing in the rulebook against giant chainsaw cocks. Craig Lemoine, I guess that's right. There's, look, it takes time to print new rulebooks.

Let's just say no more giant chainsaw cocks from now on. All right, Quavis was late to the meeting and missed the part about the giant chainsaw cocks, but that's the last one. Dan B. David Schull put a small chainsaw cock on his robot. Fair enough. Dean Castillo. Delta Foxtrot. Devin the Rogue Supreme. Doug Redmond comes equipped with Rocket Fist. Drayson uses Orange Laser. Dusty's Rat Title uses Green Laser. Eric Rion uses Blue Laser. Alright, is this in protest of the giant chainsaw cock ban? Fancy Shark uses Cockliff. You're children. You're all children.

Garret. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches fights with a giant chainsaw dog. Okay, we're putting all synonyms in the rule book now, too. Greg Cunningham. Haraka. Hulk. Javer Al Aiden. James Boyd, it says right here in the rule book,

your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw wang. Nice trot. Jared Black, no, it robot cannot have a giant chainsaw wang nice try Jared black no it can't be a giant chainsaw shlong Jared mountain man right here plain English banned weapons giant chainsaw man sausage Jared ways you cannot have a giant chainsaw hog. Oh, it's an actual hog. Sorry let it play Jeff Oreski Dean, John McCann, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh S. Joshua Graves, Justin B. Come on man, those are clearly balls. No, it doesn't matter if there's no cock. It's the spirit of the thing. Ken Paisley, K&M? Banned!

spirit of the thing. Ken Paisley. K&M? Banned. Chainsaw cock. Lane Haygood? Banned. Chainsaw cock. Lisa? Frankly, I expected better of you. That's a three day suspension for chainsaw cock. M Jahi Chappelle, you know what? I'm going to allow it. It's fine if the robot wears concealing underwear. Mark Mahoney? I said concealing underwear is hanging right out there, that's a ban. Matt Riley, Max Baroi, Moju. Mercenary Sissetman, yes, it's still banned even if it's uncut. Michael Lair, Mickey Lohman, Mort, you brought three rotating giant chainsaw cocks, why would that be allowed? Mr. Bob Gray, no, then four obviously wouldn't be cool, would it? Indeed.

Neil Bailey. Neil Schaeffer. Neku104. Nick Lovino brought an old-fashioned mace. Yes! Henri Weevil, Nick Lovino's tag team partner, brought a bolo. This is what I'm talking- oh, I see what you guys are doing there, that's hilarious. Hilarious, That's bad.

Ozzy Olin. Patrick Herbst is allowed to bring the giant chainsaw cock because this is an exhibition match. It's non-competition play, guys. Rhiannon Sarkovsky. Sean Chase. It's not an exhibition match because you're exhibiting something. Siege. It's not an exhibition match because God is always watching. Spotty reception, it's not an exhibition match just because you sold tickets ahead of time. Supernaut, an exhibition match is a formally classified thing.

We'll tell you when it's not a normal match, okay? Tater's Tales just got giant chainsaw cocks banned in exhibition matches too, okay? Everyone happy? Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos Timmy Leahy Toasty God Tommy G.

Velo? I don't care if it's detachable, I know what a giant chainsaw cock looks like. Booster? Yes, even if it's on your forehead. I know you're not a unicorn that's happy to see me. Waylon Russell. Zack and Ava, that entire robot is one enormous chainsaw cock. I can't imagine being more banned. Harvey Penguini fights with a giant chainsaw vagina. I guess that's allowed. I mean, I feel like it's basically your opponent's fault if they take you up on that. I can't imagine anyone would be foolish enough to- Wow, right out the gate. Stuck his face right in there, huh? Alright, Harvey Penguini wins Alaska!