The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 21, Into the Diebel-verse

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

Seanbaby and Brockway entice Cristian Ramirez with the seduction books and cheesecake photos of Don Diebel: The Least Fuckable Man In Texas. Prepare to get mad at strippers and steal the soul of a neglected dog in this adventure through the entire sad career of a horny lunatic!

1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say HOT DOG podcast work Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 1-900 HOT DOG 1-00 HOT DOG Yeah 9000

Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000 The official podcast of 1-900HOTDOG.com Comedy Hilarity Website I'm TV Sean Baker from the internet And with me is my partner in hilarity Robert Brockway Who defines Robert Brockway as

Happy to be here That's an intro That's how you do it everybody And with us is A veteran of the United States Army And of cracked video production Christian Ramirez Hey, what's going on guys

We are here to Educate the world about A very, very sexy pickup artist named Don Diebel Are you straight into it? Let's lay out the theme Just to let people prepare I want people to have a

To turn it off To duck out and erase yourself Get the fuck out of here Listen to the wrong podcast I thought you were all Looking at their drive being like I don't have enough time to finish this At the top of the show

We do like to talk about Our current projects, what we're working on Christian, do you have anything fun you're working on right now? Currently I'm going to get wind back up into Getting into podcasts I was kind of out of it for the last year But yeah, I've been working on

Some music and stuff like that That hopefully will be coming out soon When I, yeah And I'll do more Like I'll drop more info on that Of where you can hear it It's probably going to be at Small Beans

I'll just say that Oh, I see Yeah, nothing yet I'm not quite ready yet Speaking of Brockway, what are you Working on these days? Well, hot dog related, I haven't been Doing too much fun, I've been

Sorting out all of these artifacts These cursed artifacts of 90s trading cards And pogs and Shirts and then mailing them out to people And probably getting them in trouble with I don't know, some sort of government agency I'm assuming It's funny how you just vanished for like three days

You're like, cool, I got a whole bunch of pogs in And some weird cards to send to everybody And then I just never heard from you Until like there's just thousands of pictures Of fucking lunatic pogs that you found It took so long and I'm so bad at it It just, there's got to be a better way To do it than what I did, which was just

No system, just every inch of My house taken over with madness And I'm sorting through piles as I'm sitting there But like, this is kind of fun Just burnt out on the bulk My bulk lot Of like, by weight pogs Came in zip lock bags

There were so many gems in there Just like every third one Was the fucking weirdest thing I've ever seen Yeah, the pogs were so fucking crazy My favorite were like the Andre Agassi No comment ones They were just Seemingly, fully random from

Across the multiverse, like sometimes it'd be like Okay, this is like a 90s show I kind of remember And other times it's just like Like an original skeleton character With like a Scottish kilt on You're like, what the fuck am I looking at? Why did someone draw that? Somebody's launching their original IP

Exclusively through pog form This is a new medium, it's like books It's like TV, people will Communicate their stories through pogs Which like All of my favorite novels When a novel gets adapted into pog That's when the arc truly shines

Real quick, what do you think The rules for pogs are? Because it was supposed to be a game I mean, I lived through this And I have no idea what pogs were for Don't have a joke answer I think you stacked them vertically And then you had like a slammer

Yeah, I think you slammed The ground next to them I don't think you like actually Made contact with hog stack And then the ones that like landed face up Were yours to keep You hit the ground so hard with this Like one ounce thing

Floor, I guess You need like a special table Like a trampoline table What the fuck were we doing With pogs, why did we do that Who was that for? I literally never knew anyone who played it for real I knew a couple of friends

That collected them I guess When we were kids I have to, right? If you really like those skeleton Skeletons with kilt, you love original skeleton art Pogs were a great way to Embrace that They were the thing for kids

Elementary school kids during recess Who didn't want to like Read their cards Who just wanted to fucking throw stuff Too much reading on a trading card That's the crowd you're recruiting That's what it is That was just a real strange slice of life

To relive and being like, wow What even was this that took over the whole world For like eight months and then Filled every landfill On the planet With fucking elf pogs Well, I have been You've probably seen me as lack

Struggling with this article I found an author named Mario Corelli On Amazon And he self-published six books And each book is exactly 101 things It's just full on like fucking early 2000s Like listicle shit in book form

And It's just its own entry, right? So it's like sometimes it's like 101 things to do for fun It'll be like play baseball and that will be the whole page Play baseball Doesn't even elaborate just like big words It's like brainstorming sessions

This guy put into books as like This total get rich, quick scheme that I don't think worked out I might be his only customer And so I was fascinated with these books You're so many people's only customer I probably am I started just scanning like crazy

I'm like these are all so funny, right? And I thought I would do sort of an article Of his greatest hits like three or four of his books And then I got to one called 101 things to make her wet Oh no And all of a sudden It's really bad

It must have been his first book because His English is just fucking terrible I don't know if he put it through google translate Or if he didn't try anything But it's just like intricate Like delicate Specific medical terms that he's getting wrong Along with the broken English

So it's just like grab her mom's pubis With your teeth and then Take a church trip And you're like what the fuck does that mean You know what it means If you have to ask And so I spent at least two days Just laughing my ass off scanning pages from this book

Having no coherent Way to turn this into an article and then Look at this fucking shit like there's no jokes To be made about any of it And yet by the time I was done I'd written probably 3,000 words And it is 62 pages Long in google box like it is

Vertically the longest article we'll ever Have on the website ever Right because he used 108 point font To just spell out like vulva Do the vulva Yeah There is one line where I swear to god Is just as generally pubic

Mount that's the entire page Just that region Generally I mean the whole area Real good stuff in there What I'm trying to say is kind of do something With the groin generally pubic mount If you're boiling it down to one thing

Just generally pubic mount She'll love it You'll find that going forward When your brand is 101 things Then you're going to kind of run out of stuff At some point That's not even that much in terms of the Right, that's true

Yes Yeah, Godek did a thousand One ways to be romantic and he doesn't Fucking know one and he did That book again He did that book like eight times Yeah The other thing about this guy

I kept trying to figure him out like that's always the fun game About these books like is this guy fully a virgin Or did he have like one girlfriend And they like this lived in a cave And invented their own types of sex Because some of it was like Those are the two options Those are the two I'm trying to pick from

Because he'll say stuff like Before my orgasm Put my finger in the anus And I'm like okay I'm clearly taking her finger And putting it in an anus I don't know who's anus This is a very unusual thing to do

Like you could put a finger in a butt But to just surprise someone With their own finger Is a very strange thing to do He invented it He'll have advice that's very very specific Where I feel like he copied and pasted it From some sort of like

Vaginal massage chart He looked up online and then other stuff Is like put an entire boob in her in your mouth Just get as much of the boob Into your mouth as possible And I'm like it's not not erotic It's just not advice It's like a hot dog eating contest

It's more of a food challenge You never go full Kirby on your lover That's not something we do Become the boob afterwards Imagine a woman saying that to you A lot of guys don't know the secret But just try to get the whole titty in there Just open

Like a pest dispenser Crank your head back So I love it It's my new favorite book To make her wet by Mario Corelli Looking up on Amazon's $5.99 Wow, really? That's a lot, that's a lot these days

I think you can get it straight to your Kindle Probably with the Amazon program My book is $5.99 These cannot be of equal value And I put more than like More than like 40 words in my book You cannot charge $5.99 That's a $0.99

That's a 1 cent on Amazon I can almost guarantee you You spent more time on Carrier Wave Than this guy did on 101 Ways to Make Her Wet Yeah, I mean I can almost guarantee it I I truly think I probably spent

Without exaggeration 5 times longer Writing this article than you spent Writing this book Without exaggeration in any way It sounds like your article is at least 3,000 words And it sounds like this book is like 72 words Yeah, it's That's what I've been working on

And so forgive me if I'm completely deranged Because that's It took a lot out of me It was the silliest book I've ever tried to talk about Intensely, just non-directionally Unfocussly, erotic That's what I expect Just random words

Sort of related to the mon's pubis Like I just got Generally horny Yeah, just like the pubic mound You want to get in the area I'm in the sexual area Yeah Another thing, one last thing about

Mario Carelli which I truly love Is that It seems like it was written backwards from Stuff he wants to do to women And trying to put a spin on that so that he's Making them happy For example, I don't do a ton of this But you know when you have sex with boobs

You see it in the movies more often than in real life But it's more of a him thing Than a her thing I always figured A nice thing to do for his birthday or something For him he's like Use My boobs to create a fake vagina channel This will

Make me feel like you truly love me And it's just this Like self esteem thing Fuck my tits To make me feel better about myself And I'm not exaggerating That's the spin he tried to put On I guess what we call

Titty fucking it Podcast to get that loot But we're talking titty fucking it Let's not dance around it Well it sounds like we're talking titty loving Titty The love is the important part For him

And This is all a perfect transition Into what we're talking about today Which is Don Diebel I did a very long cracked article about this guy So you might be familiar with him if you Went to the website or follow my work Well

I remember it being like A saga I remember that like reading war and peace You can't tell me it's just one article I didn't check the word count on the original But like it was kind of back when I kind of only write a cracked article Every like five or six weeks

So I could be so indulgent Like I'd write it and I'm like you know I could like double the size of that If I just did another book And then this guy So much from decade to decade I'm going to do this guy's whole life And I spent hundreds of hours

Just fucking around with this article So this is your life Yeah you're his biographer No positivity More written about him Than ever before in that article So Christian As our guest

You're a very like respectful man I see you on the internet You're nice to ladies Was there ever a time in your life You were a poontangist A pussy hound Is this an area of expertise You ever had?

Not certainly not to the level of Don Diebel Just and I could say that Just judging by his picture That you've shared with us How would you describe this picture I did post this picture in discord So that we could sort of give people an idea Of what he looks like and his vibe

Yeah he is a Gray-haired gentleman With a mustache And he has so much volume In his hair It's the male version of like Texas ladies From the 80s who would

Yeah try to get all the volume that they could And he's wearing I think Overalls? White overalls? Yes and just Rockway thinks they're overall pajamas I think they are Denim

I think they are lavender Denim overall Pajamas And if you're listening and trying to picture that You're on the right track but like 70% more sexual Right he's got Not classically handsome features

He's kind of got a weak chin And a very long nose This was taken I think In about 1990 So he was probably in his late 40s Defensive hair Like that's probably going to protect you I bet you could get some good

Like that dinosaur that rams the guy in Jurassic Park Oh for sure I think this was a signature hair though Because I have on his 1980 book The Complete Guide to Meeting Women He has the exact same haircut Same And he's in a hot tub on the cover of that book

So that's his hot tub hair This is my number one tip have this hair Nurture this hair It will take you 20 years to grow this much hair Yeah that makes sense So That's what you're dealing with I want you to picture that in your head

A non-handsome elderly man with his hair Blown out to this massive proportion Like I guess a game show wig If you were in Walgreens and a wig said game show host Yeah But with sort of a white streak through it In this picture it's mostly white

But in his younger days it was Dark with a white streak It was very stylish And he's doing the pin up girl pose It's not a girl doing it for him He's doing it for you Which doesn't lend a lot of confidence To the whole pickup artist vibe

It's extremely feminine Yeah It's like he'd maybe heard of that one pose That Burt Reynolds did And was like okay I can do that Sure But Reynolds has like a very like I don't give a...

Take a picture of my junk with a hat on I don't give a shit That's a crowd pleaser Ladies see that and they're like yes That's a guy who knows how to take a picture of Naked And taking a picture of Naked is a very hard take If you tell a guy be sexy Naked or not it's a difficult thing for men to do

And he's showing this I try to make myself useful That's what I interpret that as You like jump-starter car Yeah Or something Yeah He's into that

So let's get started talking about Don Diebel He's from Texas And He was pretty sure he knew the secret To getting girls Now I don't think he's ever been late Ever I read all of his books

Nothing indicates that any of this was ever successful But he went into this thinking he had it So in 1980 he wrote a book called It did not find a publisher In 1980 It was It just got in there With the last couple of them open

So He had to start his own publishing company And in 1980 self-publishing was not like it is now It's not like Mario Carelli putting out 101 things to make a woman wet This was like you had to put in 10 grand And then you just get a garage You got to buy a pretty good title

It's a huge investment It's more or less a scam to trick Like Narcissistic idiots If you have a book and no publisher wants it Someone will be like hey we'll publish your book for you It must be great since no one wanted it And then

That's all we needed to hear So Don Diebel has A garage full of this book that no one wants And two years later he rewrites it To be called the complete guide to meeting women And This is the main book Disco? Is there at least a chapter about Disco?

There is a lot of Disco in this book I don't think he changed a word at all I don't have a copy I thought I was joking I should have known about it I don't have a copy of the original so I don't know How word for word it is. I've seen some excerpts But it's very difficult to find

So if you're listening and you have a copy You know I'd love it This book Complete Guide to Meeting Women He published himself and it is very cheap Like pages just fall out as I'm reading it So If some fall out So he's not even good at making books

I think he got taken for a ride Not at any part of making books Okay so let's start with He opens on a thing called the different kinds Of nightclub women And this is sort of like Tropes you'll find in the bar And

As Diebel says I will describe the different types of women You will encounter at the clubs First I will begin with the undesirable Types which should be avoided If at all possible because you will just Be wasting your time Believe me This is how he opens the book

There's a section on how to select A good club and You just basically go to every club in the city Or ask your friends who frequent the club scene So that's not bad advice It's so Aggressively obvious that I can't Imagine a person existing who wouldn't think of this

But That's how you find a good anything You ask people or go to places But yeah this is Like the mind you're dealing with This is the kind of thing that he thinks is Wisdom that needs to be shared So

The first type is the man hater And I think this is a kind of What a place to start from You could not spell out your opinions on women I'm going to write a book on how to pick up women Feminist Yes We know where you're going buddy

Yeah Right off the bat you need to know that none of this works You'll run into a lot of women who just hate men Yeah women hate me It's the first chapter in my book on how to pick up women He says Why in the hell these women go to clubs I'll never be able to figure out

Because of some negative experiences with the opposite sex And because they have been hurt They think all men are bastards They are obviously 100% Right in this case Don Devil is not a good man Never occurred to him that I'm the bastard That was the correct assumption on their part

When it comes to Don specifically He continues These women will just sit there with a stone face Rejecting any glances from the opposite sex If you approach them and try to start up a conversation They will give you a go to hell look That says go away creep So um

He's spelling out your life there Yeah He doesn't really show you How to like Identify them before this happens He just wants you to know they're out there And he finds them all the fucking time Meanwhile

First page in every women's book Is how to spot Don Devil Have you seen this man If anybody comes up to you In a lilac Overall denim pajama suit Just it's him You need to get out

If I wore that to the club I would get so laid though I mean Anybody else would pull that off So The next is the teaser Unfortunately You will run into these types of clubs and in all areas of life You've seen them in high school

College, work, strip joints, etc Just learn to recognize them and ignore And avoid them I will give you some tips on how to spot them The first one is revealing clothes Perhaps see through material exposing her breasts And nipples She wears very tight clothes also

The non teaser wears these types of clothes To attract the male attention But the teaser wears them with the attitude of You can look but you better not touch So The way you can tell The minute you try to get physical with her Or try to make advances toward her

She gives you the big brush off So that's how you can tell You don't know if she's a teaser Until you aggressively make physical contact And If she says yes, she wasn't So So he's really narrowing down

He gives a lot more wool of women that just Are both very inviting to him specifically And are okay with being touched By him specifically So far it's just all the women that don't like Don T There's a What you want to do is avoid all the

Women that personally hate you On site Next is the drinkaholic Then there's the dance only woman And the out with the girls night So it's sort of like Like a bad 80's standup routine About here's the type of ladies you see at the club

But there's like no jokes this is very much like He thinks he's giving you Like real wisdom by saying some women are cranky Instead of a punchline There is my personal anger Just a lot of resentment The other thing about Don Diebel Is he seems to think

Picking up chicks is very easy And I say pick up chicks because I'm just speaking that So he He thinks That you should just be able to Go up and use pick up lines On like five women and one of them

Will have sex with you Like a hey give it a shot just run into the room And say who wants to have casual sex with this loser Maybe someone will say yes Who wants to make their ex-boyfriend Very angry So I'm going to skip ahead to some Pragmatic advice this is how

To dress this is what to wear On page 13 This has got to be good knowing the one thing The one thing that I know about him Now we come to close This can make you or break you And is very important Number one don't wear a three piece

Vested suit like in the movie Saturday Night Fever These went out a long time ago And are out of style I'm mended Clearly that part has been edited Yes very good writing The one line Don't do this

Underlines Do it It's back no I was wrong I think I could pull it off no again I should have gone with my gut It ended so fat the window closed on me So fast you guys Number two whatever you do

Don't wear a t-shirt with a slogan on it Cause he doesn't explain why I guess he spent a few nights Being called like the Arby's guy or whatever I don't know I don't know That seems accurate Stop calling me Arby's guy you're just a teaser Showing me your breasts

And nipples What a weirdly specific one to choose for your second Yes get it in there quick No slogans women Respect Intellectual property too much Maybe they just all hated the slogans he was wearing Wear wears the beef shirt

And they make it a sexual thing about your dick Real grown up guys His shirt says home of the whopper with an arrow And they're like your shirt Sucks in your terrible person He's like god women just don't like Burger King Number three try to wear lightweight material that is cool And not too tight

You're really going to perspire out there on the dance floor And you will feel very uncomfortable if you had to go on Something hot and heavy A lot of the writing has got a lot of typos So I'm going to try to respect him by saying the things In his robins What do you think his voice sounds like Man I wish I knew

I can go to wildly different directions From that picture Let's hear I think you could get like Let me give you a line that you can read here Number four is avoid wearing any clothes with glitter material This is out So that's your line

Let me hear what you think you might sound like Avoid wearing any clothes with glitter material This is out That's one direction Looking at that picture And can I just say I have been looking at that picture The whole time you've been talking

I've just been making direct eye contact With this picture It's like this is what I'm picturing when he does anything I think the other direction you could go Because he seems like a smaller guy So I think it would be like a comically Avoid wearing anything with glitter This is out

Like a real plumber kind of voice Like a fake Alex Jones gruff voice Yeah, because he seems like a little guy Like he did have something to make up for I feel like you're missing that he's from Texas though So I feel like you definitely Avoid wearing anything with glitter This is out

That's the kind of guy I think that's the one That's it That voice that Reads like gay anywhere outside the south But like Like the Lindsey Graham Exactly

In Texas just means you're an asshole Number five, don't go dressed in your Sunday suit You wouldn't know this yet, but Don Veebles A very Christian man Number six, some great looking disco clothes Can be bought at your army and navy surplus store So they're already at the surplus store You know it's over

Christian, you were in the United States Army Have a lot of disco clothes that went Just extra, just surplus disco clothes No, I mean I'm trying to think of What he would even get there That lines up with what I thought you were going to say We have dress uniforms

But I'm like You want something that's like dark green Like a dark green suit, what are you going for Like maybe a beret I don't know what you're going for dude Looks sweet on the dance floor Some like sexy digital camis Like you just got off the

Off the plane It almost sounds like he's like Trying to go dressed up Like he's still in the military or something And convince women that that's what The deal is Twenty years out of style Like military uniforms

The old style Sailor uniforms Which Excuse me man, I fought for your rights I'm doing a military study on that But Boom Next is

You can get fashion ideas by watching disco shows On television You weren't kidding how disco heavy it is We're still at the start He did not want to rewrite this book This was 1982 so this is like Three years after He admitted it was dead but he was not willing

To go back and like cross out the word disco Yeah Number eight is while you're in the club Look around at other guys And you can get some fashion ideas So Sure The thing

That's a handsome man At least socially I just think like the The biggest dork in seventh grade had this idea To like look around and see what the cool kids are doing It's just That's where he got the overalls You're right somebody else was just totally pulling it off

Like yep He saw Joey from NKOTB And he's like oh look at this Hanging tough video these kids are fucking Red Look all the ladies love them And I'm sure they'll love a 60 year old man dressed and behaving exactly

Like them So Number nine is probably my favorite advice Again this is to learn how to dress for a disco He says Some clothes stores specialize in disco clothes Check them out Very much

Go shopping Go look at the clubs To find out which are the best ones Ask people which are the best ones The common theme I've cracked it I've cracked the code there are stores That sell goods

I'm gonna write a book So We've got some interviews with women in clubs And they're just real trashy Barfly women who just say awful things There's a lot of political slurs A lot of disrespect to Humanity in general

In this section So it makes me think he might have really gone around With a tape recorder and like asked ladies Like whatever The kind of ladies that would talk to Yes, awful Terrible women This is gonna be in a real self-published

About pussy hunting By you? By a guy that looks like you? I trust that That sets off no alarms for me You know all the 50 year old men out there Writing books about this specific subject That's right he is about 50 years old already

So Chapter 2 Where to meet women Now knowing what you know about Don Diebel What do you think his best case scenario is For meeting a woman Disco clothing store That's a pretty good guess

A disco funeral You're gonna kick yourself when you hear it The Hitchhiker Oh no The very first The very first place he suggests Meeting women The Hitchhiker

He describes this In case you need to know what a Hitchhiker is He says How many times have you seen a girl thumbing for a ride At least once and probably quite a few times Like most guys you probably just passed by these girls You kept great on going That's a missed opportunity

My friend You just passed up a potential golden opportunity Any girl Who accepts a ride from a man And thousands do Is asking to be propositioned In some cases In some cases

It's like he knew how that sounded He tried to like soften it He tried to walk it back But everything from the start You were screwed from the start You gave away your entire The entire killer plan Everything you say

Sometimes And often Because they're not from your state It's harder for the authorities to look for them They won't even know where to start If she's going the opposite direction Make a U turn And go back and pick her up

Wow, he's adamant Been projecting real low confidence until this point And now he's like, no, no You can go through a lot Of hitchhikers He continues You're probably wondering what to do after you've picked her up The first thing is to ask her

Is where she's headed This will give you an idea Of how far she intends to ride with you And you'll know how much time you'll have To make your approach Ugh So again, like the very first thing That you would think of with a hitchhiker

That's my tip If you'll follow my conversational guidelines Outlined in my chapter on how to talk to women You'll establish a warm rapport After you've established some friendly contact Just simply ask her Why don't we drive over to my place and have a drink If she declines, tell her

I'd like to see you again If I give you a call sometimes It's not how I would have put it But he's a different writer than me Hopefully She'll give you her phone number And you can follow up on her later She'll give you a fake phone number

That's half letters and they're just Yeah, so far If you're traveling out of town And pick up a girl on the highway Ask her if she'd like to stop or get a motel room To get cleaned up and relax Ugh In conclusion, I'd like to offer you some advice

Well, he spells advice A-D-I-V-C-E-N A lot of female hitchhikers are young So if you want to be on the safe side Check her ID To make sure she's not jailbait Also You're not checking ID

Also, when you pull over And pick her up and she gets inside And sits down, you might ask her Why don't you sit next to me I don't bite Yeah, a lot of this sounds like He wrote the creepiest thing possible Somebody else read it

Was like, no, this is a serial killer Fucking manifesto done And then they added in words like Hopefully, or maybe Or like, check her ID He went back through and was like He was like, oh, okay, you know what It's fair, I see the problem

I took 20 minutes, I made the changes you asked for Now will you just fucking publish my books So I can be rich and have sex God, that's so That's so early to put the hitchhiking Where do you go from The rest of it is basically like Go to hotel bars and restaurants

Human potential groups What, well Yeah, examples of such groups Are silver mind control Actualizations EST, transactional analysis Dale Carnegie courses, etc. Go to like a mind control seminar

And get some loose chicks I mean, if you can place high in a cult Cult chicks are real loose Yeah, that's true Sometimes they have to have sex To like summon creatures Sorry, this section said friends and relatives And I said, I don't like this one

He says, this is an idea way to meet girls Just make a list of all your friends and relatives Then contact them by phone or in person And ask them if they know of any single girls They could introduce you to It's nothing to be embarrassed about when asking You're just wanting some female companionship And mind this only works once

You will not have these friends or relatives after this He straight up says To make a list of people you know Call each of them And beg them to give you someone to have sex with That's the level of effort This guy is willing to put into getting late Like none in the right direction

Like he's not like, I should work on my personality I should like Should love to dance at least if I'm going to Go to dance clubs I don't think there's a lot of stuff about Learning how to dance or learning how to be charming It's all like that real phony Conversation

Talking point charm Being charming for like two seconds And he's also very very bad at that Like if you follow the pickup artist stuff Generally that stuff is pretty Gross But for the most part it's training Like uninteresting men how to be interesting

For like six to ten minutes And you can argue The ethics of it but for the most part And Don Hebel 100% does not happen So the rest of the book Is a lot of like practical advice On how to like do online dating And

Go to like single seminars and things Like the stuff that isn't As crazy as As the rest of it So I'm going to skip ahead to the crazier parts Chapter six is How to meet swinging females And

Danger sign when he's calling them Females That has always been That's always been a danger sign For the decades Since the eighties no trust people Who call ladies don't trust people called chicks females In the eighties

I'm sorry chicks Jesus Whatever you know what I'm trying to say The most disrespectful term possible With an edge of serial killer In the eighties Swinging is not only coming out of the closet It is becoming socially accepted

As part of the times Social sex is a viable alternative To marital infidelity And its popularity is a symptom of the energetic And powerful American libido Three apostrophes were wrong in that paragraph I just want to let you know that I don't know why I'm saying it out like there's

No point to it I just get frustrated How bad the writing is in this book Kelly's describing libido Like I don't know Adam Brough would describe a powerful editor Right See this is science The off-sighted rarely seen

Yeah for him this is like research This is what he does So he knows a lot about swinging And there's a lot of talk in this book About swinging magazines you could subscribe to And how to like meet swingers Like you go to like adult bookstores And like you ask where the swinging stuff is

Or sometimes there's pamphlets for swingers And this is not a community I've ever been a part of I get the idea that it is a lot of gross men Like Don Diebel and like one of their wives Right like I don't think this is a great place To meet women Yeah but if you're him I mean

It's probably the best shot you've got Is just somebody else giving you Permission to be with their woman for a little bit Just being near some sex Is probably more than he's ever had Right because you don't have to convince the woman You have to convince the husband Right

And he's no like Threat Right I think that's the danger Of the orgy is having a giant Viral man come in and just like Tear your woman up And then like she goes home and just talks about it all day Like oh that guy's Don was so sweet

Just cute This is what you give her to like Make sure that you look good for the rest of the week Like she's been complaining She was really pushing For this Swinger lifestyle I wasn't into it So I called up my friend Don Actually he called me and asked me

If I knew any women It was really sad Anyway she's over swinging She's never gonna do that again Your relationship is safe with Don That's what his slogan shape says So he gives Some list of things that Swingers don't approve of

Like they don't like people who are indiscreet Like the kind of person who might write a book about it They don't like They don't like liars There's a long section on like lies Believe me I know that I know that one personally, I can vouch They hate liars

There's a whole section that's just called unclean And it's One of the most important rules of swinging Is cleanliness If you show even one couple you are a pig You have had it The news will get around Like anything that might hint at

Success is like he's clearly never done this He has no idea what he's talking about Whatever you can feel Every single failure happened to him Don's a real stinky guy who had to learn from his mistakes He's Too gross to fuck married girls He's like the weirdo

Of the weirdo community The weirdo scene is like We're closed, we're closing the swingers Actually swinging's over You're familiar, this happened with Disco Right Long before he wrote this book this was not An accepted thing

1982 I don't think was Like AIDS pandemic yet But like it was Pretty bad Like at this point venereal disease was like a It wasn't the 70s anymore I think like that's There used to be an era where people would get

Kids, your parents used to have sex With all of their friends and neighbors Because there was no such thing as venereal disease You just took a pill once a month Once every day I don't know I don't know how any of this works I just read Mario Curelli's 101 Things to Make Her Wet This is a raced accurate sexual

My whole brain is filled with just 250 wrong names For the labia majora Now it's just generally pubic mound Generally pubic mound That's all I know anymore My whole neural map is just generally pubic mound now Ask your boomer parents about

Key parties and they'll tell you They'll be I don't even think that's true Maybe it is, but like Don Diebel I think is living as if that's a real Legend that he just missed And he could be a part of if he just like Asks the right adult bookstore owner

I'll take a tab of amyl nitrate And the phone number of the Swinging president Then it talks to you about How to make your ad for these swinger ads Which again maybe that was the thing in 1982 I'm gonna skip ahead Chapter 7 is

How to meet flight attendants That's the chapter The end End of chapter He's doing a lot of travel to meet women Yes I think Don Diebel was on a plane once And met a very attractive flight attendant

Who had to be nice to him Had to be nice to him That's the key for Don Diebel Strippers and flight attendants and waitresses Bartenders up to a point Yes, up to a point Beautiful and vivacious flight attendants That's the opening sentence

Go to the concourses of any Of the world's airports And you can see them walking along in pairs These are women of mystery They are like birds in never-ending migration They have an air of confidence about them And are extremely poised This is a very proud and select group of women

After all, they have been screened and selected From literally thousands of applicants To represent their airlines In this highly competitive industry I couldn't think of a more Worldly woman than a flight attendant After all, how many ordinary women do you know Who may have just had breakfast in Boston

And lunch in St. Louis And are about to eat chop, suey And set in Francisco's Chinatown I don't know I love it so much It's just this lifestyle in the rich and famous For such an ordinary job

He doesn't even make it sound All that They've been selected at this job Out of thousands of applicants because it's a good job And they might have Famous Boston breakfast Like on the plane In the airport probably

But you see what I mean with the wild He's getting into that wildlife thing From such a distance that you know You're not part of its world Just describing it as an abstract Now So He talks about, in chapter, unique ways

To meet women And there's one he calls the circular method It's a very unique way of advertising for romance And several nice and beautiful women Contacted me, that's what he says What you will be doing is simply putting Circulars on windshields Of cars and nightclubs

And single bars parking lots No I'm not hitting He's Firing their cars He's not even going in the club It's a numbers game, you've got to get out Right

I would never in a million years have guessed Anyone would be that pathetic I don't think I would have even come up with that As joke pathetic That's too sad, if you're putting that into like I don't know, sitcom Too far I would have been like, no, no, this takes place

In the real world, I'm getting like, abstract again Okay, so I'm going to skip ahead to chapter 10 Body language, and this Is where we're going to play a Sean Baby's book game I'm going to read here, how to use body language To attract women You can attract more women than you can handle

Just by simply using the art of body language Step by step, I will guide you in the usage Of successful body language Using the following methods Okay, so now What I'm going to do Is I'm going to ask you to guess Each of you has a different section

You're going to be guessing from, this is very much like family feud style You're going to try to guess What Don Diebel said in his top 10 List of ways to recognize female body language Ways to recognize Not body language, you can adopt Yes, this is how to recognize If a woman is in

Well, Christian, you're going to go first And your section is How to recognize female body language That means she's interested in you The following body signals and bodily movements Will indicate that a woman is interested in you After meeting you Now, there's 14 options that he lists in the book

You're going to try to guess one Without missing My first guess is going to be Her feet are pointed towards you She sits with her legs crossed And pointed towards you, number 9 I'm going to count that Very well done

So now Brockway You're going to do one So this is body language That means Yours is different You have your own list It's only 10 So the advantage goes to Christian

A veteran of Sean Baby's book game A veteran loser What you're trying to recognize How to recognize female body language That says she's available The following are some body signals And bodily movements that indicate a woman

Is available and approachable So they're looking for action Maybe from you, but definitely From you Okay, no weapons Hahaha I'm seeing if there's any That are close enough

It's a debil book I'm putting it down Let's see Number 6 is sitting with her legs crossed In a manner to reveal her thigh That could be to reveal that she's not carrying A sidearm Right, no blades, no small pistols

I don't know if I can give you full credit So we're going to say It's 0 points to 1 point, Christian's in the lead So Christian, now you need to name Another thing that means she's interested In you specifically Another guess She initiates physical contact

Like she'll touch your shoulder Something like that That's a great guess Number 3, her hand or thigh Carelessly brushes up against your thigh Okay Count it Brockway, you need this one

This is just Something Don Diebel says a woman does That says she's available It says she's available Not fleeing Hmm Come on, no fleeing Number 10 is a woman sitting with her arms crossed

Can indicate that she is frustrated I'm not having a good time And would welcome you approaching her No, that's not what that means No Don She seems really cranky It's the perfect time to go fuck her For me to cheer her up

She'll be so happy to see me Don Diebel Okay, Christian If you can get 3 in a row You will win this first round Of Sean Bibby's book in I'm going to go with Oh yeah, he does real obvious stuff

Okay, eye contact Oh, very nice, the first one Of course, if you do make eye contact And exchange smiles, this usually means That she's interested in you You're in Don Diebel's head Or the advice he's giving There is one chair

And no declaration Brockway, you seem like You weren't playing to win that round Which I appreciate In fact, I might give that round to you I'm not going to lose Cracking it Cracking the code

It's not about playing Don I love it almost Word for word The first three things you thought of Were the first three things he thought of That's Don Diebel's Level of expertise And I think that's why I wanted to do this book

To show that this dude Has literally no expertise He has a television It's toddler learning about how to make friends In first grade He sort of knows what this would look like If it ever worked But he can't tell you

And again, that's the other thing About modern pickup artistry That's very different from this It's like hundreds of Like predatory dickheads Like telling each other what worked And what didn't So it gets sort of boiled down into

The closest thing that is to a science Whereas this is just one lonely dude Trying desperate shit None of it's work Who also believes in the type of magic And psychic bullshit That allows For something to fail

500 times and still technically work Cause it might You know what I'm trying to say? I mean he did list what sounded like cult workshops As like fun places to go So I'm going to skip to Cult

There is a lot of cult stuff in here Chapter 13 is how to pick up Women using astrology That's pretty culty This is not actually Like how to use The stars to Like predict what women want

And make them happy It's basically learn enough about astrology That you can fuck girls who like astrology And then that's That chapter is two pages long And I described it for you in its entirety There's no reason to read it Chapter 14 is meeting women

Using the powers of the mind And This is How to pick up women Using self hypnosis Now you're thinking okay this is Crazy he's trying to mind control women But a lot of what he's doing is just like

Self motivating techniques And just be like That's exactly what I guessed That was my first assumption Is that this is just him trying to convince himself To be less sad That's psychic mind powers I've unlocked it

Just creating the Thinest veneer of self esteem And he's like this is magic This is mind sorcery He can do to not sound immediately desperate And just Surely nobody has thought of this before What a novel idea

Okay so I'm gonna just skip ahead He's He's a crazy person There's all these Procedures to like stand in front of a mirror And like tell yourself how great you are And they're almost Too sad to like

Just knowing that they exist is Sad enough I can't read them out loud You gotta give me one You gotta give me one so I can cause I'm telling you I'm still looking at this picture I'm still just Hard eye contact with Don on his bed I need to see

I need to see him Do not get discouraged if you find it somewhat Awkward at first when trying to see, feel And believe each suggestion This is to be expected so like Don't get discouraged if you don't fucking believe yourself When you say this to yourself basically I always say the right things

Whenever I speak to girls I always know exactly what to say I always know what not to say to girls He stresses A lot of experience with that one It is underlined He figured out how to underline on his type I never have to act

Cool with girls I am cool enough just the way I am Girls notice this quality in me and like me For being myself This book is 100% not about being yourself This book is full on Playing a character lying to women Doing anything you can to trick them into bed

It is extremely easy for me to walk up To a girl and start talking to her Done Real millhouse energy I always expect girls Yes, he is very millhousey It means that you believe firmly The opposite if you have to stand there

It means you are Absolutely firmly entrenched In the opposite mindset Who are you trying to convince buddy I have to convince myself of this Using brainwashing techniques on myself He is just using self hypnosis That is not

Predatory mind powers If he had actual mind powers Page 146 How to use telepathy to meet women Telepathy is the sending and receiving of thought messages Without words Thoughts pass from your mind to another's mind Through a sea of electrons

Which surround us Thought is a real thing Just like any visible object Thought sends out vibrations just as light and heat do Much more intense I was not expecting the psychic turn This book is taken He is full on trying to use the force

To meet women Now he is not full on I wouldn't use the R word But he absolutely Is trying to mind control them into sex I don't think he would call that sexual assault But Listen, it is not sexual assault

If it doesn't work He is just trying To sexually assault these women with powers He doesn't have the powers If it was real, he would be But it is not If this was the Marvel Cinematic Universe The whole show about

This guy's power Would be a rape trap It would be Jessica Jones Yes, it would be Jessica Jones That was two seasons Two seasons of dealing with the trauma of it And this guy is like What a great world that would be if I could do that

If I could shoot electrons At the women across the bar Except my electrons, I scream at them And they do not like it His failure is with approaching women I have put that in my list of things Not to say to women Not, not to say

I tricked myself, now I am allowed So Eight years go by, I want to move on to this other book That Don Diebel wrote Eight years go by and he publishes Finding Mr. Right Eight years Doesn't give up

This book is called Finding Mr. Right A Woman's Guide to Meeting Men And just for fun I want to read a passage from the book we just read It's called The Teaser He says This is the one that really bothers me You see this real foxy looking woman flirting with you

And really giving you the eye You try to meet this woman and she tells you I've got to go to the restroom Or she says, I've got to look for my girlfriend And never returns Later, you see her in another part of the club So The lesson is

If Don Diebel says hi to you You have to fucking wait there for him to finish having sex with you And if you go to the bathroom, you have to come Right back What did I tell you? Not fleeing That's the first thing that he looks for I just want to remind you The kind of guy we're dealing with

So now this man is writing a book for women And he has a section in this book Called The Teaser Here's one that really bothers you It's written in the second person because the reader is late You see this really handsome man Flirting with you and really giving you the eye You try to meet this man

And he tells you, I've got to go to the restroom And then he never returns And another one is, I've got to go look for my friend And he never returns Later, you see him in another part of the nightclub So Wow, word for word He searched for the pronouns

And switched them That is 90% exactly what he did Absolutely He took his book about predatory pussy hounding And just gender swapped it Which is Because it must be the same

It must be the same for women, they must be the same thing They're out there Just grabbing dicks left and right And it's not working That's the female experience The most sexist thing in the world But in another, it's the least sexist thing in the world Yeah, there's got to be a lady Donna

There's got to be a Donna Somewhere It's a pretty sound strategy Because it all hinges On you having read his prior book That's the only way you could call him out on it That's true And there's no way

He knows the 11 people who bought that book At his garage You were the only person that has read His books by this man I promise you I don't think he's read two of his own books Apparently not He hasn't even written two

So many typos In the first book He writes about strip joints And he says I sincerely hope you're not one of those guys Who just goes to strip clubs Just to watch the exotic dancers Most men do and they don't know what they're missing out on

These women can be picked up No No Yeah, almost I don't think he's wrong Stripers are very sexual people But they also have their guard up And they have seen this type of bullshit

Coming out them all day every day And they don't bang a lot of customers Yes, they have more defenses against This type of shit than anyone alive And in addition to that They're very incentivized by their work And boss to not have sex with customers Now if you would say get a job

At a strip club Right, that might be better You'd have a little leverage there So in the lady version He says I sincerely hope You're not one of those women Who go to strip joints just to watch the male dancers Most women do

And they don't know what they're missing out on Here's where it changes None of this gender swapped You could have gender swapped a lot of this book And you chose the parts that absolutely do not work Another method Another method of meeting them And getting them to leave with you

Is to try and offer them some drugs Especially cocaine Some of them do drugs and some would do In quotes anything for drugs That is new That is what he added because A guy using cocaine on a stripper I don't know if he just didn't think of it

Or if he thought that was wrong But if a woman does it That's good advice That's the experience He's learned four things That's one of them So you might remember Don Debal's chapter On where to meet women

And how that began Now Go to the man's store Now gender swapping The hitchhiker Is almost certainly a bad idea He wouldn't have done that Let me read the section on how to meet men

Section one The hitchhiker Like most women You probably just passed these men And kept right on going Well girl You just passed up a potential golden opportunity Oh my god

So here's the thing He does add a little caveat here I know what you're thinking already It's too dangerous to pick up men thumbing for a ride The majority of hitchhikers are not dangerous How very progressive of him That's That's amazing

You got a pretty decent chance Of not getting killed By this guy You're having casual sex with So There's a lot more astrology in this book There are some other small changes He added astrology because women love that

Unironically Not like him, he just pretends to like it For the pussy He has a four page chapter about where you can meet Horny rich men You gotta find swinger's clubs Go to the golf club And ask around who the richest fellas are

So here's the thing If they're like selling this to rich men Debel seems to have at least Some sort of understanding that women Have a product worth selling Women are the people That get pursued in this type of interaction And

So this book is fully deranged Something In his brain did not let that thought Like hit the rest of it So so much of the book is about Like hey you're a woman Everybody wants what you have So go sell that

So whatever I guess it's telling women to be prostitutes But it's also telling women To just be desperate dickhounds Become prostitutes and Die in a ditch Give people cocaine Get murdered by people

Find people with drug problems Find dangerous men with drug problems And feed it as much as you can So I guess that's What I love about Don the most Is that In his brain women exist as Like hookers

But also just desperate dickhounds Just throwing it at any guy in the night club Just Please take me home and make love to me I need it so desperately I actually spent all day in the Mirror psyching myself up to talk To Don Diebel like oh come on you can do it

Oh don't pee your pants when Don Diebel Asked you for sex I don't know why I made her a pirate She would sound like that So female Debel Don Feeble I mentioned earlier how indulgent

I got when I did some of those cracked articles When I was only writing once a month for the site And one of the things I did was just fucking look for Digital footprint ever left by Don Diebel So I bought every book he'd wrote And one of them Was the Houston Entertainment And dating guide where to go and what to do

From A to Z Specifically Houston and only Houston Yes he full on Because my market wasn't limited enough I was selling too many books across the country Right This is Absolutely a fan made yellow pages

This is just A fan fiction yellow pages But sort of for perverts A lot of it is just full on like hey go Roller skating and here's the roller skating Places in Houston And it's just like really like humorless Like descriptions

Of places like with no expertise Just like I've never tried paintball But here's where you go for paintball And dick Some dick if you're lucky It contained a hundred pages And eight pictures And some very short descriptions

Of things like art galleries Like if you don't know what an art gallery is Don Diebel will tell you It's a place with art Senior citizen centers If you're looking for senior citizen centers Those are in there so it's like the full gamut He's calling an old person and asking them what the best ones around are

Right So Then in 1999 At the age of 52 He published 1001 best pickup lines Surefire opening lines for meeting, attracting And seducing women

At this point he has written the books I've described you And I think we can all agree they're not good And yet on the Book jacket of 1001 best pickup lines Surefire opening lines for meeting, attracting, seducing women He calls himself America's Number one singles expert And one of the nation's leading experts

On dating and relationships So this is a man There's no board that certifies that He looked that up and like is there anybody Yeah it's like best pizza in town You don't know Exactly But from a place that only makes hot dogs

And went out of business day two So this is a man who's asked Probably hundreds of women for sex After he sacks himself up enough to do it None of them said yes and he considers himself Considered himself an expert He has possibly gotten several women murdered With his advice

If anyone ever listened to this man they're probably dead I'm just going to go through And share some pickup lines with you And you just Maybe tell me if they would work on you If you were a horny laden So Chapter three is all about beach

And swimming pool pickup lines Can I give you a foot massage And then in parentheses Women really love this No they don't That's an opening line I am like Bookmarking this for

If I ever need somebody to just leave My area immediately This is like a fucking force field They would just be thrown out a window That woman would tell every friend She knew for like three weeks Like you would not believe the fucking gross dude I met today The obvious foot pervert

He didn't even try Like I mean I hate it when they do it But they always like I expect some subtlety I don't know there's an art to it Like they had to have foot guys in 1999 I know we're super online And we know about all this shit Quentin Tarantino had fully hit

In 1999 It was like the foot guys paradise They were allowed out in society So this is from the same chapter Beach and swimming pool pickup lines You sure do have sexy looking toes That's the whole thing Here's a great one

It starts with a quote And then a parenthetical statement to explain to the reader Like he's thinking Show me your boobs with a question mark And then in parentheses he writes You would be surprised that some girls will actually do this Strippers are noted for flashing their boobs See yes

All women are strippers in Don Do you think they're all being paced to do that Like there's just a fund Imagine being at the swimming pool And this fucking old man walks up And just says show me your boobs And then waits like You have very sexy toes

Would you like a foot massage So the rest of this Better be like pickup lines to use while in jail You have very sexy toes It works I have wife in prison There's two more I have from the Beach and swimming pool pickup line section

The first one is Swimming with me I'd lick you dry Oh god Not how human Relationships work Or how licking works Or how drying works That's not even how drying works

And of course You have the sexiest feet I've ever seen There's so many feet I'm showing a lot of restraint By only doing three foot ones I already I called it I told you Quentin Tarantino broke the seal And Don Diebel was like is it time

It's my time up here So Here's some for bars and night clubs These are chapter two This one is hey Somebody farted Let's get the hell out of here He said 20 seconds after

Diebel wrapped a nasty fire She is Yeah in parenthesis He said it Now the other thing I love About Don Diebel is that So much of his Moves are predicated upon like very subtle

Subliminal messages and like Mind powers that are undetectable By like science So he'll like point his fingers that is Growing By looping his thumb into his pockets So that like there's subtly things pointing To his dick to help give this woman

An idea that like Oh yeah I love those I haven't thought about Dixon In an Owl's age So something like this Just bursting into a woman's life And contaminating her brain with farts

It's just it feels like It undoes so much subtle pointing To me like When you look like that guy Yes like I just feel like It's hard for her to get back on track to like What was I subliminally getting suggested Yeah

That will throw your whole night Imagine if somebody did that to you I have to go for a walk I don't know Believe it or not I don't want to have A conversation about farts with a stranger That's pulling me outside Away from my friends

And then leave immediately with this man Thus far has only mentioned farts to me Hey fart guy yeah you seem safe Dear lady hey farts let's go I also love feats At some point in the 80s or 90s Don realized that him being a stinky guy Was just something that he had to deal with

So he just figured out How to force that into his technique That's right we sort of Decided he got kicked out of that orgy For being stinky This is something he's had to deal with for 17 years Now that he's into the feet I mean it's all a picture

Coming together We're getting that Okay so here's another one for the bars and night clubs You say to the lady Do you mind if I taste your drink Then lean over and kiss her Oh god You take the drink off her mouth

Again just right to jail straight to jail Like no questions They won't even ask Show up and see Don and be like Ah shit It's fucking debil again In a million years time Did he do the drink thing or the fart thing lady

That's all you have to say Checkbox We know this guy He keeps sneaking in with a new wig Chapter one is called all purpose pickup lines Here's a great one I love you with an exclamation point Oh wow almost

Got it almost From Megan what's in it Almost That's the whole strategy Another one is I swear I'm not Embellishing Oh okay

That's the best one so far Yeah You can use that anywhere If you include That in your book like what is The point of an editing process In any way What is an idea bad enough

That Don Deva wouldn't put it in his book I guess this is my point Women fucking love that Women go crazy When you say hi how are you Greetings everyone uses Okay here's a great one This works anywhere

You don't have to use it at the beach Or at the night club You can use it at the grocery store You say aren't you that little girl I bought Girl Scout cookies from back in 1972 Oh no No It's like not pedophilia

But it invokes that Yeah It puts pedophilia on the table It's like Yeah It's like walking up to a woman being like Hey did you have an uncle that looked like me Does your dad's part smell like this

Did you ever go hitchhiking As a teenager Did I murder you Did I cut your feet off Did you lift through that You gotta tell me if you did I feel like I've seen your ID before This one I

No joke I think is a really good pickup line It's from the all purpose chapter one Anywhere you can use this Can you help me with the problem My blow up doll is busted And I need a real woman to be with Can we get together tonight for dinner That's so long

Just laying it out there Way too real Like haha I'm kidding Allow me one paragraph But like There's another thing He keeps asking women if they're Italian Like

He has like probably 11 or 12 variations Of like asking a woman if she's Italian I don't understand it It's one of those quirks where you're like This guy's not editing his own work But also like something about that Must have come close to working for him So ask a woman if she's Italian

She'll be like oh my god Yes Haha Yes I'm Italian Would you like to lick my feet dry Literally everybody in Houston Has warned me about you The book contains

I'm not kidding an entire chapter Of Beavis and Butthead pickup lines Like not Similar in theme Not like I broke my My blow up doll It's just Direct quotes and references to the cartoon

Just He likes Beavis and Butthead He just said fuck it why not Look nobody's reading this anyway This one's for me This is a treat So Don Included a chapter specifically about

Picking up topless dancers And they included lines like What's your real name And this is a line in its entirety Show me your bush Haha Okay yeah that's like $20 And this will if anyone listening

Has Worked as a dancer Will recognize this attitude or direct line From every man you've ever met Don't you get tired of all these Horny men with their brain between their legs Like I'm the good one I'm the good strip

Our customer is basically his Move I understand that the only reason you've been doing this Is to meet a man but they've all been So far you need a good one who doesn't Get horny around making ladies right That's my number one virtue Is that you do nothing

You do nothing for me And on the Very same page as that pickup line He says don't you get tired of Being around all these drunks and horny men acting Like a bunch of idiots So obviously The theme here is

He wants to shame her filthy job And her choices This last straw I don't have a strip anymore I don't disagree with The idea Of demonstrating to a woman Like I am

Above average Like an animal You're safe around me I do want to see you naked That's why I'm here obviously I'm not one of the crazy ones There's a lot That's a good barrier to break through

I just feel like Take your knife out and put it on the table so that she knows You don't have a knife anymore Let me show you how much I trust you Toots You hold the knife Put it right to my throat Use your feet I just love how

Even in a thing that I'm like I guess sure if you're trying to pursue a relationship With a stripper Which of course is a great idea Everyone wants a woman who has to go to work And rub on other men's dicks But To do that

You need to get past this First you need to be able to sort of say hi This is the real me and I need to know the real you You just can't get there by saying one line to her I guess this is my point I guess if you've gone to a strip club a few times or Talked with her for an hour I don't know I have made friends with strippers

I wouldn't be able to write a book about How that works or why it works It's just sometimes you make friends with people When you're not supposed to be friends with people Right, sure But I'm sure I did that To other strippers that are like this dude's trying To treat me like a person

To trick me into sex, you know what I mean? There's no reason to think You can trick a woman But anyway I don't know what I'm trying to give Don Diebel notes He's just fucking out of his mind He's screaming show me your bush at strippers

And wrote that shit down as wisdom He has a tip So here's a fun thing After I wrote that article My friend Tim Schaefer From Double Fine A maker of great video games like Psychonauts or Day of the Tentacle

He gave me a book called How to pick up topless dancers that was sitting around his office And I started reading it And Show me your bush was in that book twice And I'm like okay that's a coincidence right But no 40 to 50 percent of the lines were direct

Of Don Diebel's But it was published three years Before And there was an extensive section On self-hypnosis And so I started looking through And seeing other little quirks

Like putting the apostrophes in the wrong space In words that he didn't spell right in both books And I'm like holy fucking shit Three years before this book He wrote a book just about picking up topless dancers As a man named Derek Evans That's his pen name And

That's just a thing that happened And he's not Derek Evans He'd read genuinely I'm 99 percent sure This is a Don Diebel book But I couldn't verify it I'm just saying like My linguistic analysis

I don't know if I'm an expert or not I read a lot of books like this Sean with a green filter on Numbers and letters flying over your head Calling into a monitor My expert analysis for what it's worth Says this is a Don Diebel book And

And it's fantastic It's pure It's pure Diebel I think this is a good stopping point if we need a break Sing a song I guess I'm going to go and get a cup of coffee And then I'm going to sing a Janie song for sure I never meant to be so bad to you

One thing I said that I would never do One look from you And I would fall from grace And I would wipe a smile right from my face You remember when we used to dance That incident arose from circumstance One thing led to another We were young

And we would scream together songs on song It was the heat of the moment Tellin' me what your heart meant It was the heat of the moment Showin' your eyes And now you find yourself in 82 Your disco hotspots hold no charm for you You can't concern yourself with bigger things

And catch a pearl And ride the dragon's wings I sang Jamie, she's our audio engineer I sang her Asia's Heat of the Moment It's a good selection We're talking about Don Diebel, we're back from our break In 2003 They brought Don Diebel in as a lamp expert

Not as a romance expert It was an article about lamps Does that mean something else? No, this is A magazine about Interior furniture I turned this on to light up a romance He wrote something about

Romantic site This story Don Diebel gave Untrustworthy lamps This story Don Diebel gave Is that he wrote about romantic lighting In his pickup chicks book And the editor of this magazine Saw that and said, you know who we should get

To comment on these lamp designs Is America's number one Sexual relationship advice I thought maybe he did this as his day job He's segwayed the books into Maybe he worked at a lamp I don't know how to make that story I don't know

That was my assumption, it made sense I was like, yeah, that looks like a lamp guy I had to expect that guy to be trying To sell me a lamp that I don't need I just remember searching for Don Diebel Interviews thinking somebody had to talk To this fucking pervert about his terrible book And the only interview I found was

This guy asked him About these three lamps Non-murder is Hitchhike magazine Non is underlined So there, credibility They weren't good lamp reviews I'm not an expert on that, but that's my opinion But he did mention in the interview

His website called GetGirls.com Which was not a Don Diebel branded website Which I did not know about So I went to GetGirls.com And it was amazing It was like all of the Don Diebel type shit Books on flirting and picking up girls

With pickup lines, but also shit like sex cologne And like seductive scents So you could like spray yourself with shit And like women like Smell it and have to fuck you Everybody fart in here That's the name of my sex colognes Did somebody fart in here?

So this stinky guy So I found A CD-ROM Just feet, all feet Oops, all feet I did buy a copy of Oops, All Feet And I bought a 2009 CD-ROM He wrote

That I found on the website 200 guaranteed ways to succeed with women Everything you need to know on how to meet Date and attract women So this is A CD-ROM? Is it interactive? No, it's just like a pdf on a CD-ROM

Like there's no reason for it to be a CD-ROM Oh my, oh Jesus Christ What the fuck It was just like a 2009 I got to book and get with the future So I'm so heartbroken though I thought there was like some sort of Don Diebel FMV game FMV game

How amazing Oh, I'd love it So he was 62 years old when he wrote this And it's sort of like the erotic memoirs of his life But He's a virgin and a liar So I guess it's not A good book

So out of the 200 guaranteed ways to succeed with women The 29th one was a story Called My Date From Hell And It seems to be a made up story About Don Diebel's greatest sexual triumph And I'm going to read it to you in its entirety

It's fucking fantastic If you are playing the dating game Chances are you will have a date from hell It's just part of dating jungle out there You're going to meet That's his mistake, I'm sorry There's so many typos You're going to meet some pretty strange and weird women

One of the worst dates you can have Is these women that flirt And come on to other guys while you are on a date They are so full of themselves And love to be the center of attention Nothing could be so rude and such a turn off As your date throwing herself at other guys While we are on the subject of dates from hell

Let me tell you about one Of several of mine I met this really fine girl at the beach That had the best body I had ever seen In my life I was just driving around on the beach In my Corvette with the teetops off And this beautiful girl in a hot bikini

Flagged me down and said That's really a fine Corvette Can I go for a ride in it Of course I took her up on it So I've seen this story reprinted in a couple Of other Don Debles books A couple of penthouse magazines

The typos are always the same He's just cutting and pasting his own lies Into whatever the fuck So To recap where we are so far He's very cranky about women that flirt with other men And he's literally just Riding around on a beach in his Corvette

And The hottest girl he's ever seen Like jumps into his car So Just without him stopping She just runs up alongside She's like hey guy Hey old man doing cookies on the fucking beach

Can I get this seems like a safe thing For me to join in on It's better to be in the car rampaging Up and down the beach than be on the beach If there's any element of truth To this story at all I think Andy ran over a sunbaider

That's what I think if any of this is true Her body rolled up Over the windshield landing on his car He counted that as a date He's like what if instead of that This other stuff happens So he continues We seem to hit it off really well

And she asked me if I could give her a ride home She came to the beach with her brother in his car She seemed a little drunk And later I found out that she was an alcoholic Anyway, we stopped by my place On the way to her apartment that late afternoon It had been a very hot day And I looked in my backyard to check on my German shepherd

He was lying there lifeless And his body was very warm There had been a thunderstorm earlier in the day And I know from experience that when this happens He freaks out and paces back and forth endlessly Also he had turned over his water bowl and had no water So apparently he had literally run himself To death in the heat with no water

I rushed him to the vet And on the way the girl kept crying And giving my dog mouth to mouth resuscitation Can you imagine this? It was too late and there was no hope for the dog And he died of a heat stroke So What is this story?

What the fuck? In a story with no stakes Where he's not motivated to tell the truth In any way You killed your dog through neglect And the woman Is giving a mouth to mouth And by it

This is the craziest thing I've ever heard He continues To make a long story short I dated her a couple of more times And she was always drunk And she confessed that she had a drinking problem So let me tell you what happened on our last date from hell I took her to a nice romantic Italian restaurant

And then we took a helicopter tour Of Houston, Texas Later that night we went to a nightclub All she did all night was Blurt and talk to other guys So I finally got her to leave Because I couldn't take it anymore We were on our way back to my house

And she wanted to stop by the lake So we were walking along the pier And insisted that she wanted to jump in the lake I told her not to jump in the lake Because she was drunk and may drown We argued back and forth and before I knew it She jumps in the lake with her clothes on She swam about 50 yards

And then I saw her struggling And started going underwater So I had to jump in the lake to save her There was another guy on the pier And he helped me bring her up on the pier She was okay, thank God So This woman

Who unsuccessfully Recessitated his dog No, she died You watched her die Again, I think there's an element of truth here He hit a woman that was sunbathing And then threw her dead body into a lake She's just drunk

Yes So They say animals to the first sign She had a warning But Anyone would have told her, hey, don't get In the car with that old man driving around On the beach

You don't even have your clothes on It's not safe And now she's in the lake Okay, so he continues So there we were Both soaked and wet I was pissed I took her home so she could put on some dry clothes

While I wasn't looking She had taken some of my antidepressant prescription pills And passed out She was like a corpse I loaded her up in my jeep And took her back to her apartment She slept all day and didn't show up for work I learned later that she was suicidal

And that was the reason she jumped in the lake And took my pills Needless to say, I never dated this mental case again So the moral to this So the moral to this article Is that there's a good chance You will have a date from hell Just chalk it up as experience

And as the saying goes Rap happens So, yeah I mean, honestly She was dating D.B. You should have known That's suicide It's not suicide

You don't have the balls to do it yourself But you're just hoping he does the job Because I mean, look at him She saw that guy driving down the beach And was like this fucking lunatic He's definitely He's definitely gonna throw me in the lake If you're in D.B.'s house

You'll find like a bag of toenails And you'll say, what are these toenails? And you'll say, oh, that reminds me of a totally unrelated story About the 29th guaranteed way To pick up women Where this woman killed my dog with her mouth And then I threw her in the lake And then she took all my pills

And she saw her feet off weight The last part didn't happen The rest is all true though Why does every one of your stories Start with your dead dog? How many dogs have you had? This is Obviously, this did not happen

But this But it also makes you look like a fucking lunatic In every direction If you're gonna lie A lot He's got this whole like dream date Of having a helicopter tour And a romantic Italian dinner

And a nightclub And then a walk on the beach And I'm like, I just don't I don't think this happens just Logistically But whatever, maybe This is a 12 hour date Like what is a helicopter tour?

Like that's, you gotta go there Imagine there's some paperwork to fill out You're in the air maybe a half hour After you get the helicopter to place You're in the white area, right? Not a lot to see That's not really, it's not a Hawaii Helicopter tour

And here's this other strip mall Here's the biggest strip mall The Astrodome again Remember that? You can still see the blood So if you're up in the air longer Than 25 minutes You're gonna ask for your money back

So let's assume it's short You come back down, you drive back For a little dinner, an hour Two and a half hours, you go to the nightclub You wait in line, you go to the nightclub So it's a four hour date Then they go to the lake, it's possible I guess is the point

I don't know why She's stealing us pills She still tastes like it's a dead dog I don't know why either of these people Are stealing this relationship Those are the last words I still taste your dog on my lips So

Like a drank part of his soul I want to die, D.B. So a year after he published Whatever the fuck that was Along with 199 other tips He writes The 100 best places to take a date And that's it, that's the whole idea

And it just has ideas like Miniature Golf and Pizza Like it's a full on fucking Godek book That he wrote in 2010 Like this is after 10 years after we stopped publishing books like this Like the world agreed like These fucking tidbit things are fucking garbage

Like I think there's even a family guy episode Where the dog tried to write one And it wasn't successful Because they're like yeah This thing has been done and people hate it This was like several years after that He writes a book like that This is like ska

This window has closed Or disco, we all regret opening it This book about the Houston A to Z Is that one? It's just a little Book on how to Do stuff outside

Made obsolete by phone books Like it's garbage And so It's like this He's still kind of trying this thing Like maybe someday I'll write a book That will just go viral for no reason And that sort of seems to be his technique

Just do something shitty Making them go viral Second pet rock, right? There's gotta be a second pet rock The next thing he writes is The easy way to improve your golf With S slash A Golf hypnotism

So he's It's no longer about trying to get laid It's just trying to get slightly better at golf Using the same pump up techniques He once used in the disco To like ask women To show them her tits So this was not a good book

And didn't find a whole lot of Like, redeeming qualities Maybe you like self hypnotism and golf In this case, check it out Does he have any golf stories? Where he's dead dog? Where he drove onto the golf course in his Corvette Just took a catty with him

And they killed his cat together Then they wanted to try to drown himself In the ocean They went on a boat to her, the bay And then she dove into the water to kill herself That's his fucking, he could have made up anything And this woman was That's your magnum opus

Like if I wrote that and I was this guy I'd be like, yeah, that's the best thing I'm ever gonna write That's my masterpiece I'm done, I retire So here's what happens after this There's always like an element of religion in his stuff But then he full on Went

Jesus So he wrote a book called How to Use the Power of Jesus To Help You Meet, Date and Attract Women And it's Almost what you picture It's almost a bunch of pickup lines For like lonely Christian women But here's what it is

Most of the book is Affirmations and prayers that you give To Jesus to make you feel better About your own loneliness That is the place Don Diebel is at After a lifetime of hunting Kuntang, he is alone Just begging God

To let him live with That loneliness So I'm gonna just read some of these Again, this is How to Use the Power of Jesus To Help You Meet, Date and Attract Women I'm gonna read you some of these I just wanted you to keep the conceit of the entire book In your mind that this is intended to

Help you meet and have sex With Christian women My prayer, dear Jesus Help me overcome feeling depressed And feeling sorry for myself when I don't have a woman To love in my life Help me avoid having any pity parties In Jesus' name I pray amen

I I don't get how That way, I think if a woman saw that You wrote that, her panties Try up, no matter who she is Like, if she Like that, it's the saddest thing The dog killingest woman in the world

Yes, she's like I fucking really like that Story you tell about the dead dog Yeah, but this is too sad Yeah, I was on board with it through that I was here So at this point Don is I guess

Like 65 years old Maybe 63 Spiritual advice When you walk around a bar or nightclub In search of women to meet Visualize yourself walking hand in hand with Jesus Directing your steps to meet women He will guide you to the right woman

If you will just trust him to do so Yeah So he's over 70 years old Still in the nightclub Walking hand in hand with Jesus And telling women Jesus brought me to you Show me your bush You have really sexy toes

Jesus said that You rascal Yeah, that's a good cover if you say something that doesn't like it That's when Jesus said it Like he's into the foot washing thing That's his footprints in the sand Here's one Those pickup lines that didn't work

Those were Jesus That was Jesus This is from a section called Bible verses for dating women When you are rejected by women Don't be afraid For I am with you Do not be dismayed for I am your God I will strengthen you

I will help you I will uphold you with my victorious right hand Isaiah 41 10 So Like let's be clear That's a jerk off reference, right? Yeah Like

I'm pretty sure he didn't write that about dating Right Did he search the Bible for hand references To like See what Jesus would have thought about all his Intense 50 years struggle with masturbation Yes That's what it seems like to me

Yeah I think that's the best he came up with This is another Don Diebel's prayer He labeled it my prayer He wrote this himself There is nothing in my life that does not come from you Jesus This includes that special lady that you will send me That seems heaven sent

I don't know why That is so sad to me Nobody else has sent me a woman So it's just up to God now I have a stack of books by this guy Who just desperately best case scenario Will wake up with mind powers that will allow him To force any woman to have sex with him

I know this is who he is And this fucking prayer to Jesus Christ Made me so sad that I felt bad for him And I'm so pissed off at him for it Like, anyway Speaking of sadness I did find his Facebook And it is just

Pictures of him from one horseback Writing shit with no women And doesn't Exhausting Like serial killer levels of Intensity He went deep in on a Lay's potato chip Fan flavor creation contest

He named and designed so many Fucking Lay's potato chip flavors that it is Like 20 weeks of Facebook scrolling I don't know what he did before like fucking 2017 Because it's just all potato chip ideas Surely you have a few

Surely you're going to give us a couple No I didn't fucking save any of it It's just made me What are you doing? I know, I agree I have so much don't evil stuff I was not going to write down His fantasy potato chip flavors

I just draw the line At a certain point Data about a person that comes irrelevant That's my call to make Don Diebel's putting fart chips Don Diebel's Dog and antidepressants I already have like 11 inches

Of my library dedicated just to Don Diebel I can't like Have a bunch of documents that There's screen graphs of his fucking potato chip flavors I'm just laughing at myself But it is something I might do 20 year old poor vet exhaust And pool water

So that's I guess the legacy of Don Diebel Is Absolutely never getting laid Writing 10 or 12 very very very bad books That end in just a plummeting sadness Oh yeah Certainly killing a dog is probably killing several women

100% killing a dog 102% killing a woman Probably keeping her fetus trophies The Bag of toenails thing that I mentioned earlier That's probably real He's definitely got some kind of a trophy collection Anyway

The model is to be nice to women And then he turns to Jesus And then he turns to Lays Yes Neither of them had anything for him Neither of them had anything to do with them Jesus said fuck you Lays says yeah we agree with Jesus 1-900

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