The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 211, Shaq-A-Licious with Mark Mahoney

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

Seanbaby & Robert Brockway welcome back special guest, Mark Mahoney to the DOGGZZONE for a deluxe 'old school internet' crossover extravaganza! Mark reprises his role as BADCANDY's candy master in the ultimate test of gastronomical endurance! What's on today's menu you most likely didn't ask?? Why none other than Shaquille O'Neal's genuine Shaq-A-Licious XL Gummies! Don't puke just yet, you may need it later to cleanse your pallet! (all mouth noises mercifully removed from this episode, you're welcome)

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 hot dog America's last comedy website. Come support us at patreon.com slash 1900 hot dog for new long-form text comedy from well-paid human comedians It's just like the glorious internet of 2012 You'll also get bonus episodes of this podcast, access to a thriving discord of malcontents, and we're just, I want to say it, just pre-radicalization. Like we're just about, just about to cult up. So you want to get in on the ground floor on that. It supports our other far more successful podcast with Jason Pargin Bigfeet's

Do It Now. They're about to ban TikTok so we're gonna pivot to Gifts of Dancing Teens. Get in. I'm Robert Brockway, and I have been called Brockalicious before by several unrelated sailors. And with me is my co-host Sean Baby. Warning! Sean Baby has been known to cause severe mouth irritation. Speaking of mouth irritation, you can get this podcast you're listening to on YouTube, and you have been able to for like, the better part of a year, I think we just never mentioned it. But we also have a store. Oh yeah. Yeah, we got, dude, we were so diversified.

What the hell else are we doing? I don't know. You can do gift subs. You can do gift subs on Patreon. I've been meaning to mention that. I don't want to like smear ourselves over your entire life. I'm just saying if you're listening now and you're like, I'd kind of like little cartoon people

to be talking at this at me, you can do that on YouTube. And if you don't like the cartoons, we do Big Feets on our YouTube channel as a video podcast, actual human faces. We use human as a selling point quite a bit. It started as a joke, but it's becoming very real. Okay, okay. And our guests, they call him big shamrock

and it's super racist when they do it to him. It's Mark Mahoney. Can I just say, I deeply appreciate that the podcast I just listened to had an Emmy Award winning comedy writer. And this week you're just having a guy, just Sean Baby's friend. You are OG internet. You are not just a guy. I know you're not like in public media now, but yeah, you're, but yes, Sean Baby's friend. You are OG, internet. You are not just a guy.

I know you're not like in public media now, but yeah, you're, but yes, Sean Baby's friend that that means a lot here on Sean Baby's podcast. It's it's one of the most important dimensions of my life, but I don't know how interesting that is to your listeners. I don't know if you have anything to plug, but go ahead and plug something. I would just like to promote the idea of a smaller, more decentralized internet that everybody gets paid to

contribute to. Oh, Oh my god, that's the best plug I've ever heard. Oh, that is a really good plug. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Social media is real bad right now. So if you believe in that contribute some sort of money to Mark, he'll make it happen.

I'll probably just give it back to you guys. There you go. That's the first step. We're probably writing 40% of it, at least at first. You're not just some guy. In fact, why don't you tell the people why we're here? Just when I thought I was out, you pulled me back in. Well, I just got an email from Brockway that said, what if we reviewed the Shackalicious Extra Large Gummies? That's true. You used to run badcandy.com.

Yeah. So, yeah. So I used to review candy on the Internet decades ago. It made too much sense and yet it made no sense at all. One last job. One last job. So Sean brought over a couple bags he had purchased on my behalf and I have them here. You can probably hear them crinkling.

Good Foley work. Yeah, we had a budget. It was a, I think I spent $28 on Shaquille O'Neal gummies. I didn't really know how to prep. I bought six bags of these. I bought two for Mark. Why? 200 meals.

Yes, it's a lot of shat calories. I'll tell you why. Each of them is 22 pounds. So you really just need the one for the year. But I wanted to share them with as many people as I could, just to get kind of just a lay of the land. I ate an entire bag just to see what that would do to a human's insides.

Mostly nothing, but my pull-ups were 10% harder. But that just proves math. That just is exactly how it should be, with 22 pounds of gummy inside you. It does add a wobble to my backspin. At least that's what my breakdancing partner's should be with 22 pounds of gummy inside you. It does add a wobble to my back spin. At least that's what my breakdancing partner's Scooby Juicilicious and professor, of course, said.

I don't know what I'm saying. Normally my mind is like this lush jungle of ideas, but then you ask me about Shaq gummies, and it's just this desolate gummy face that looks nothing like Shaq. That's the only thing inside my mind. I do love the stupid grin that the non-sour ones have. It's each the non-sour ones.

It's a peach, berry punch, and orange, and they're all just Shaq's face. Let's go through them. Let's go through, there's two kinds, right? You got both kinds? Yeah, I do. Okay, there's a normal one and a sour kind. And we're doing this, I should shout out real quick, Denaard goes through our tip line and

he put together, he coded some sort of terrible program to just comb through all of our cursed tips that we get, which is the shirt part. Oh yeah, that program is going to rise up. Yeah, that's the one that's going to do it. That's the one that's going to end it all. But he had in the suggestion, somebody posted these gummies in there. And actually, just a little bit before they

did totally independent of that, me and my wife bought a bag because we saw that in 7-Eleven. And we're like, well, surely that's funny. And we're right. So we were all primed for it. And then Denaard wrote, I mean, this is Mark, right? And we're like, yeah, OK, you're right. I really appreciate that.

So the blame falls on Denaard. If this is our worst idea for a podcast yet, it's going to be 47 minutes of dead air that I'm going to try to fill with Shaq facts when we run out of things to talk about. Right from the top, I do want to talk about Shaq's head. I don't think it looks like Shaq, but also Shaq has no distinct features when you remove his size.

Like, he's just a bald guy. And so there was a brief period of time when he had sideburns and no other hair. So I guess if they added a couple of weird rectangles to his cheeks, you could say, oh, that gummy is 2002 Shaquille O'Neal. But as it is, it's just like just an oval with a face. Okay, I'm going to open this bag to look at the candy itself, which by the way, the normal flavors, the non sour flavors, have like the worst chemical smell when I open the bag. Unless I just got like a bad batch. It like smells really bad. That's the note I got from everybody that it's like a non-food type of soapy at least

smell. They don't all taste like that. Like, you know how they put those signs outside of like radioactive waste sites that say like no great deeds are commemorated here and whatever? Like if they added this smell to the air, you would just get the idea. Like you would just sort of like. Just an ominous doom smell. That's how you warm worn without language.

Yeah, exactly. They've been trying to crack it and it's just here in the shack bag if nothing else We've we've saved the future with this podcast. Yep already I was gonna say like I thought it had a beard but the gummies don't have his beard They've drawn on the front of the bag, but the gummies they're so Swollen I left so hard the first time I opened the bag swollen. I laughed so hard the first time I opened the bag. It does look like... Like he got stung by a thousand bees.

And he's got the like most lifeless hellraiser beady little eyes, and they gave him this weird grin. Yeah. So that he looks like he looks like the comedy mask from the comedy and tragedy masks, but like dying from a bee sting. I do have some notes on the mouth. Wait, wait, if you've got one, if you've got one in front of you, do me a favor real quick. Hold it up to a light source and see the face of the devil. Yeah, yeah, that works. Actually, I wonder if I shine a light through it.

Yeah, oh my God. If you shine a light through it, it's terrifying. It talks. They each contain one fetal skull is what it is. That's why it's not vegan friendly, because Mark, your wife is vegan. And so you check the bag and it's like, no, not vegan. Because I think they each contain shoe leather, the fetal skull, and also the bones of the weakest gummy factory workers. That was a Shaq guarantee. The weakest among you shall be put in the bag. I don't understand. It would actually look a little bit more like Shaq if, the weakest among you shall be put in the bag. I don't understand, like, it would actually look

a little bit more like Shaq if they didn't make every part of it. Like, look at it in profile, his forehead, his cheeks, and his chin are completely swollen, like out of proportion. He looks like Arnold when he got ejected into the Martian atmosphere, like 17th frame of that, of just right about the head explode. That's why you never dunk on a beehive.

Shaq learned it the hard way, and we commemorate that terrible decision, and these gummies, available now at any retailer. Why did they do it to him? I was going to say that his mouth kind of looks like it was made by having a child roll tubes of Play-Doh and then squashing them into lips. It's something any sculptor would probably learn not to do on the first day of class. So it's possible Shaq sculpted the gummy form himself is what I'm suggesting

and his monstrous fingers are why each gummy is the size of a human foot or one third of a human penis if that's how you measure things. Yeah, if he made these, that's like you and I drawing on like a like writing a full paragraph on a grain of rice or something. Like if you just steal the digits. I don't agree that they're like hilariously big, but they're just big enough for me to not like the size. Like one thing I don't, I notoriously don't want is gelatinous sticky things to be huge. Yeah, to take two bites.

Yeah, it's the two bite. Like you have to make the decision to bite through Shack's swollen dying face. Like you're like, I'm a... And if you eat like gummy bears one at a time, I'm not sure how many people do that. This is a four bite gummy, at least. I don't think I'm exaggerating. It's significant. I just had one and it took me two bites, but that was like a bit much and I'm glad nobody

asked me a question. Yeah, it's too much. I did the two bite thing too. It's a mistake. You're like, Oh, nope. That's a, that's an illegal amount of gummy. And speaking of, okay, the bag, the bag starts to get funny for me because. It's a gummy, right?

Who's entire, like the whole point of this, the whole novelty advertising angle is look how huge it's Shaq, right? So it's a weird move that the pictures on the, on the bag are blown up and it has to say enlarged and enhanced for detail. It's the clearest way a candy has ever told me to brace for disappointment. Like not as big as you think. And I feel like the world has already done like comically large gummy. Like have you ever seen photos of like dudes eating those like super girthy like four foot long gummy worms?

Yeah, you can just buy that huge gummy bear. Like, yeah, it's like extremely erotic. Yeah, it's my Windows background right now. Also, the back of the bag says small candy can be a choking hazard. So like we're not big enough to escape legal action. That is funny. Yeah, actually, if you try to swallow this in one go, I'm pretty sure that would kill you.

I don't think I could get that down. Not if you were a penguin. If you were a man, then yes, you would die, or a child. It's like perfect choking size. It's not, but it's not like you don't open it and go, oh my God. The paramedics have no idea. They'd be like, what in the fuck is in this throat?

Yeah, if you were eating one of these and you got pulled out by a wave on Baywatch, like they would bring you back and they would not understand why it wasn't working. They pull this seven pound like human head shaped thing out of your neck after long after you're dead. Long after confused people watched you die. Is this a Sinbad gummy? What am I looking at? Don't get it in my ladies. You need those poop particles to hold them fast ladies. I'm Sinbad from the 90s.

What was the internet thing with like people were getting Shaq confused? Well, they got him confused with the Shaq movie. They thought he was in a genie movie called Shazam. Shazam was the Sinbad one. And then people were thinking it was Shazam because it's Sinbad. And they were thinking it was Sinbad because either they're racist

or they knew something about this gummy, like ahead of time. That makes sense. That reveals so much about our minds though, that like you can just kind of conjure that movie. Like, yeah, that makes sense. Sinbad is a genie named Shazam. Yeah, I get it.

My brain just filled the plot in. Somebody should have probably done that. I don't want to watch it. It seems weird they didn't, right? Like that had to have crossed several people's desks. I was convinced when that meme came around, I was convinced that somebody was going to make like the mistake movie, like the snakes on a plane,

we're gonna ride the meme, like, oh, we're gonna get, we're gonna bring Sinbad back to make Shazam. The star power of Sinbad could not carry that meme idea. I love seeing Sinbad pop up. Like what he showed up in like, Always Sunny that cracked me up. Oh, yeah, that's right. That was really funny. And I thought that was a fantastic cameo. And I realized when that happened, like, I like Sinbad. I wish he was in more things. Let's bring him back. Let's bring him back in gummy form first.

In 20 years, we're gonna think we did a podcast about Sinbad gummies. You guys remember those Sinbadalicious extra large gummies? Oh, yes! What was the deal? They kind of looked like Kevin O'Leary wearing Sinbad's face. Like what? Yeah, the front of the bag said women be shopping. Yeah, that was crazy. I think even the serving size is funny because if you look on the back, it's three.

That's the funniest number. If it was one, you'd be like, wow, that's a huge gummy. And if it was five, you're like, that seems normal, but three is just right for you. You're like, that sucks. I'm disappointed, but not by hilarious amount. I 100% agree. Did they have like a calorie target

they were trying to hit to make sure like- I think it's a hundred calories? Eat three shack heads, one of each color all of the Different checks they have different powers and temperaments. They must combine and you're good. I'm eating green watermelon now, by the way Did you try mixing the different shack powers? I feel like that's probably you get some good combos going I'm gonna go check the reddit see what the best shack build is. I did this green watermelon, which looks like a shamrock Okay, those are the sour ones. Do you want to talk, do you want to start with the sour ones? Let's go through the, like, a bag. You're on the sour ones. It might as well be the sour ones.

The sours don't have heads. They have, um, they have truck, they have shamrock. I think the third one's a zamboni. Is it references to something? Yeah, the shape are Shaq's nicknames. They called him the big shamrock, the big cactus, and his DJ name, because Shaq is a DJ, is Diesel. That's the only one I knew. I didn't know about the Shamrock or the Cactus. Just goes to show you really don't have to be creative to come up with nicknames for a big guy.

Just, it's the big whatever. He's a Buick. The only big difference on the bag is that there's a warning on this one that says, careful, sour level may cause irritation to the mouth. Do other sour products have that warning as I've never seen that before? I don't know, but I don't recall, I don't recall like wanting to heat it as much as I did with this. Like I must blow through it on other ones. Yeah, that makes me like cautious.

But I'm like, oh shit, hold on. Like maybe it's the volume of that. Like if I'm gonna eat it. Yeah, it does say that. Because these aren't, these are, I feel like these aren't as big as the shack heads, but they're still like too I'm gonna eat. Yeah, it does say that. Cause these aren't, I feel like these aren't as big as the Shaq heads, but they're still like too big to be comfortable. Do you think you could put your mouth on Shaquille O'Neal without getting irritated? Like, is this something that's just unique to him?

Oh, it's a theme, it's art. I see. It's communicate, I gotcha. This is what it's like to take Shaq into your mouth. Well, I knew we would get there eventually. Eventually. Does Shaq really have like such a little personality and brand outside of basketball and whatever,

it's 8,000 endorsed products that they're like, fuck it Shamrock, one of the Shaqs is a Shamrock. Shaq rhymes with plaque, so Banana Flavor, that's an award for regional salesperson of the year. It's just his nicknames on his various teams, but it's just, yeah, the basketball players, just easily, he was on the Celtics or whatever. And they were just like, yeah, you're the big Irish guy. You're the big shamrock. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It was just have one of them be like a missed free throw. One of them. Get real thematic with this. I have some suggestions that we'll get to later because we have to go through a little bit of explanation to get to my suggestions, but I do have some suggestions that we'll get to later because we have to go through a little bit of explanation to get to my suggestions, but I do have great suggestions for gummies that I would like to see in the next batch. Because the ones we get now, the purple one is a cactus, and they call that mixed berry, which is not a good sign when they call something like mixed berry. It's just this is like a bucket next to the candy treadmill like just just going right in there. It's like when they clean the machine for the airheads and they just get like

that white goo and they said oh fuck it call it mystery flavor we can sell that to kids. It's absolutely. And that's what I think mixed berry is. If you ever worked behind a bar like the the bar mat when you empty that out at the end of the night. Bar mat drinks, hell yeah. That's a good gummy flavor. That's a great gummy flavor. Rung out bar towel. That's kind of what this is. It's kind of that. Also, I was really disappointed with,

if the faces were hilarious, these were really just, it's just a wad. It's kind of a hot dog. It's kind of a penis tragedy. It's like- Yeah, what the fuck is the diesel? The diesel just looks like a foreboding star monster. It's- I a penis tragedy. Yeah. What the fuck is the diesel? The diesel just looks like a foreboding star monster. I don't know.

Yeah, it's sort of a fat Dalek. It's like... Yeah. It looks like... Okay, this is a deep cut. It looks like something Jackie Chan would steal a treasure from, and then the tribe that worships it would chase him down a mountain on crude sleds. Yeah, all dressed with a hat that looks like that.

Yeah, it looks like a like something that you would kick over as it was trying to deliver Amazon packages. Autonomous. Yes, I would. Whatever this robot is, I would fight it. Yeah, it looks like Turkish Darth Vader. Also, I had a question for did any of you I don't know if it was just my bag or not. Was the pineapple notably harder than all the other ones? I'm gonna try.

I don't think I tried the pineapple yet. All right, tell me if I just got a weird bag. It's way harder, right? That's fucking weird to have like, I don't know. It's very pineapple-y though. Yeah, it's- Yeah, it's pretty distinctly pineapple. No one else knew what anything was, like when I said, hey, not a single person got any

of them right. Even peach, which seems very distinct, it has like sort of a mandarin orange canned corn syrup flavor to it. I see. I actually liked the watermelon. I think watermelon was the best. They somehow got like a little bit of rind in there. I liked all the sours, I think, better than the Shackhead ones. Yeah, the sours were better, although I am intolerant of citric acid. So I actually suffered for this nothing ass podcast.

No, wow. What does it do? It's just like some people get like bladder irritation, so it hurts when I pee now. Oh, because that's sour, it's just got to be all citric acid, right? Yeah, it's pure citric acid, that coating around it. This was not worth that, Brockway. Look, it doesn't take a lot to make me suffer.

It's sort of your default state, yeah. Yeah, it's kind of where I exist. It's weird how these match up, because like, diesel pineapple, I don't really see the connection, but I want it to be a connection. Even banana I would take as like something that is hauled, I guess. But like the green shamrock watermelon is just, I don't get the connection. It's all over the place. Yeah.

And it's, if these things don't look like what they're supposed to be, this is not a shamrock. It's again, it's completely swollen. Yeah, it's a bee stung shamrock. If it was just Shack who said, "'These are my favorite flavors,' that is so much personality already. As it is, it just feels like they had a different bag

of nonsense and they're like, "'Shit, I guess Shaquille O'Neal's looking to branch out from his, you know, insurance and shaving cream and- Well, there's no way they don't just have like a pile of like flavor syrups, right? At Hershey's headquarters that they're like, another celebrity gummy thing, like bring them out. And then like he picks six of them

and then like, sure, whatever, for sure. I have the PR interviews and PR speak that Shaq will go through, but we gotta go through the normal bag too. So you did proper research. We're not just gonna like stick our hand in a bag of candy and have a chat about it. That's my hope.

I hope we can just continue doing that. Okay. So really stretch out these observations. I will make myself sick during this podcast. No problem. So the blue one is Berry Punch. Again, it's a bucket runoff from the flavor factory. Yeah, that was my, I think my least favorite from this bag.

It was so not punch. Everyone knows punch needs like a tiny pineapple flavor, like a citrus something. This is just random corn syrup. You know those like big fish bowl drinks you get at like vacation bars? Yeah, this is like, yeah, it's like a really like tiki drink.

Yeah, it's like the second one you have. Like when you're cracking into that second one and like all taste has been blown out of your head. Yeah, your body's trying to tell you that's enough sugar for the week, stop. The vaguest sense of tropical whimsy. It's just like, yeah, that's probably pretty good. I'm gonna hurt something or love something. I don't know. I don't know what happens next. Let's go side-fuck. This is coming from the guy that did order the second fishbowl though, so I don't know. Maybe I'm not the best. I've never ordered just one fishbowl.

Okay, good. Sean, I think you and I have talked about this. Do you remember the Star Trek experience in Las Vegas? I fucking love this. I've had so many fishbowls at the Star Trek bar at the Hilton in Vegas. It's called Warp Core Breach. They have a second one. I can't remember the name of it.

What did they, do you remember what they said the flavors were? I've heard of it before, but I always wanted to, I wanted to read their ad copy of like, I'm sure it was. How do you spin Star Trek Warp Core Breach into a flavor? It's the flavor of the enterprise exploding. I would be so pissed off if anyone cared.

If someone like pulled one of those like Borg waiters over and was like, excuse me, explain now this is Warp Core, these tropical delicious flavors. You know they tried on the menu, though. They had to have tried on the menu. Yeah, they might have. I don't remember. I just remember like you're sitting there drinking like I was.

I ordered one of the it was like a Corona with like food coloring in it to turn it green. OK. And a woman dressed as a Romulan walking around doing crowd work came over and was like, you know, I've had humans report that it goes out the same color it goes in. Somebody wrote that line for her, that poor lady. Well, like you don't have a urinary tract, you're a fucking space monster.

Okay. You filter all the colors out of your fluids before you pee, is that what you're saying? Is that canon? Fucking asshole. So baby, what you're saying? Is that canon? Fucking asshole. So baby, what you're telling me is that you piss green? I can use that.

Each time, human. I miss that place. I don't know how it shut down. Oh, it shut down? Yeah. Yeah, years ago. Oh, it's life goals. I guess I know how it shut down.

They had a really expensive theatrical show you could join. Oh, it was incredible. Yeah, it was like, oh, you're getting attacked on your Starfleet tour or whatever. And then you end up getting assimilated by the Borg and these really bad like theater seat like effects. And it felt really expensive, but just dumb as shit. In that sort of theatrical sweet spot where you didn't know what your job was to perform. You're like, am I supposed to pretend like this is real?

Like this is, I don't want you to go off script if I like start, you know, I don't know. I can't fucking relate to that type of stuff. It was so clear to me that everybody who worked there loved that job. Yeah. Yeah, like they were all super into it. Like it was, there was like almost this like metal level to one of the tour things where like the woman has

to kind of pretend to like be this like board tour guide, like whatever, hey, welcome to Star Trek experience, whatever. But then when shit starts popping off, she's like acting like oh shit, I didn't expect all this. And it was like, I just remember like, this one guy's like, get the hell out of here, like down the hallway. And then this like Borg hand comes out of the like the ceiling and like pulls him up and he's like on some harness mechanism. So he gets pulled up

into the ceiling and like, I don't know, everybody was like really into it. Probably a really fun job for a particular kind of nerd. For sure. Oh, here's the particular kind of nerd that worked there. The maitre d came over while I was eating the first time I went there and said that the Borg was a big fan and wanted me to sign his Game Boy Advance. So that's the type, that's the level of nerd who worked at the fucking Star Trek hill.

That's the most Sean Baby story you've told me in a while. They're so lucky that they knew who you were because that seems like a whole business that is predicated on a drunk jock never showing up. It was like the whole place is in trouble if that happens. Yeah, it's true. There's like no protocol for like the Romulans to be like, come on dude, chill out.

Like they don't break character. They never wrote kayfabe, no matter what. So the first drunk jock to be like, come on, dude, chill out. Like, they don't break character. They never broke kayfabe, no matter what. So, so the first drunk jock to be like, I'm fucking Captain Kirk and stand up and just knock over the set. Like, you have no defense mechanisms against that. That's probably what shut the place down. Someone declared themselves Captain Kirk and then they got immediately put in charge and ran the place into the ground. They have no businesses. You are the gentle, gentle defenseless manatee of business plans. Alright, back to gummies, I guess.

What a tangent. See, normally it's my job to stop that. I'm not stopping that, really. What's the point? We're talking about Shat Gummies. This was a great idea for a show. When I first heard you did this, I'm like, we don't just do completely desperate fuck-arounds like this, you know? Sure we do. Normally, I feel like I go into a podcast

like 10,000 words and notes and I'm like, I'm gonna throw out half of these for time, but you know, when we go over the details and the madness of things. Every time you've invited me on one of these, I get so nervous and I write down way too much information and I'm just like, this time I was just like, I don't know, we just gotta see what happens.

Just keep the bag with you. Yeah, I just brought the bags in here and I was like, Let's experience shack poisoning in real time. just gotta see what happens. Just keep the bag with you. Yeah, I just brought the bags in here and I was like, Let's experience shack poisoning in real time. Let's see what happens. Let the audience participate in this journey. I got to the peach. I hate the peach the most, I think. I think I wrote down,

it's weird how all the rest of them stink, but this one smells like nothing. That's the lighter red one, right? Yeah, it's the light pink one. It smells like medically nothing. Like it's prepared for surgery. It tastes like mandarin orange canned corn syrup stuff, but like it's subtle. It's a weird bold choice to have.

You don't see a lot of peach candies. And if you only have three flavors to make one of them peaches, it's a wild decision. Well there's famously peach gummy rings as like a recipe that they have. Oh, okay. Sure. Yeah, I know those. This doesn't taste like that, which is crazy. Like throw away the established recipe, but use the same flavor.

Like, just use the same bucket and shape it like Shaq's fucking head being exploded by the void of space. Yeah, it is more subtle. It's like flavor is haunting this. Yeah, it's a Shaq ghost. I wrote down, it tastes like the purgatory where peach suicides go. Jesus. Put it on the bag. You have Shaq read that copy right into camera. I'm so proud of you and also a little disappointed

that we haven't done the voice at all. Yeah. No, no, I'm proud of you. I'm not- I feel like we've matured enough that like- Don't let me pressure you. I do remember Jack O'Brien being like, yeah, when you come on our podcast,

maybe don't do the Shaq voice. Yeah, that's- Yeah. That's- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Shaq to me always kind of transcended race to the point where I felt like I'm allowed to do Shaq voice because I'm making fun of how it's a big dumb voice, not a different ethnicity than me. Would you say Shaq was probably the first

celebrity to really understand how to use Twitter? I would have no idea. I don't remember Shaq tweets. Oh, my wife loved his Twitter feed. He was like the funniest dude on Twitter, like ever. That was definitely him. I would never believe that was an intern or something. You think there's a device that would accommodate Shaquille O'Neal sized fingers, ludicrous. I think he has a giant speak and spell like keyboard. That's the keyboard from Big.

No, his Knott's Berry Farm tweet was like one of the first like really funny weird things I think I ever saw on Twitter. Yeah, that's a classic. That was from like 2007 or something? Do you have that? How does that one go? I'm just going to read it, not in a Shaq voice. This is from 2009.

No punctuation all lowercase. Every time I say the word two, it's a number two. I'm at Knott's Berry Farms and my butt's too big to fit into seats on ride. Ah, parentheses, that's me yelling. It's the parentheses that sells that one. That's so good. That's me yelling. It's a good explanation too because at first I'm like, oh no, what happened to Shaq?

He screamed. Is that related to what he's talking about or is there an intruder in his home? He did that all the time on his Twitter. He'd write the sound of him screaming after something. Here, I found a Shaq tweet I really like. Let me read this. I also won't do the voice. It says, the Young Jedi B team that is the White House press corps have now been Groupon comp lifted back to their real jobs being overly astounded by new tailgate kick plates and unctuous Chevy truck commercials. Oh, no, you know, I met I fucked up. That's a Dennis Miller tweet. Dennis Miller one.

And for anybody not familiar with that already. That's a real one. He really wrote exactly that order of words. He was furious. It didn't like kill. That might have been the thing that finally pushed him over the edge for good. Like the rest of it. It was an act. He was just, you know, getting his money. But then after nobody appreciated that one, he was like, I'm done. On to pure evil. He don't deserve me. I'm going to Fox News. I'm going to go deny climate change for boomers. For $50 million. That's really where the money is. He did. He had a $50 million house at one point. The saddest I've ever been learning that. Jesus. That's when I first really like as an adult was like,

yeah, okay, evil wins. Yeah, there's no justice in the world. Speaking of that, I guess we got one left. It's orange. I didn't taste orange. And that's the red one. It's the red one. Yeah, if you hold up the orange

and the peach next to each other, you'll be wrong about which is which. They're very similar colors. One's a little more like a fleshy red. I like, I wrote down in my notes, instead of like a bunch of trying to have an actual observation, I just wrote, do I have COVID? The only gummy that'll make you feel like you have COVID, I'm Shaquille O'Neal. I'm tasting something, but I don't know that I would describe it as orange.

Yeah. I think here's the thing, like, I actually weirdly thought these were pretty good as I took the first bite. And I'm like, oh, that's, I think maybe, maybe, maybe it's just better than, a lot better than I expected it to be. Although, to be fair, I expected it to be, uh, poison or acid. Uh, but I was like, oh man, the flavors in these, they really got them good. But then, like, they're so big, and you're trying to, like, eat them to have an observation or something, and they taste less and less as you eat, like, just one. And so as you, as you try to plow through a

Bag you're like eat that whole bag and I feel like I didn't Taste anything. I feel like I maybe can't taste anything anymore I found them to get more and more unpleasant as you eat more of them But I don't know if I ever had the feeling that like oh something's medically wrong with me But I do eat just a bag of candy for dinner sometimes I feel like I was better trained for this than most. I've not eaten like specifically gummy style candy in a very like it's not my it's not my bag. It's been a long time. So like getting into this was maybe maybe a little more advanced than I was prepared for. Because by the time I reached the end of it, I was just like I can't

why did I eat that whole thing? I felt like I I learned less with every bite. Yeah, the more I try to think about the flavor, the less I understand of it. You both actually ate a whole bag of this? Yeah, I did, like in one sitting. That's fucking crazy. This is, that's a- It's called research? This is a lot like-

It's called journalism? This is like half of a human baby, like what this feels like this weighs. I was joking that they're 22 pounds, they have to be at least fucking two, right? Like they're heavy, hefty bags. It's got a say on here, the ounces. It doesn't, does it? That's nuts. It felt like I was back at the hardware store. It's like it's just a cement bag of gummy. Yeah and again, I wasn't happy that I did that. I wasn't like what a quality meal and

experience I have had. Even though, again, weirdly positive about the gummies for what they were, my feedback is like, hey, do they have to look like Shaq is haunting me? Like the murdered face of Shaq after he's been found floating in the bay for three days is haunting me? Yeah, something almost accusatory about his look. And do they have to be just big enough to make it unpleasant with everybody? Like, I don't want to bite into a gummy. I don't know. It's too, it's too flesh-like. It's 100% not the sweet spot of a gummy size. Yeah, it's very flesh-like. Yeah, I feel like they nailed it with the bears and every other iteration has been kind of a miss. Or worms, because you take a bite of a gummy worm, it's not like, it's not much. You take like a small bite of it, you can choose your size. Whereas every time you take a bite out of Shack Gummy, you expect him to scream or something.

I don't know. Almost like a taffy-like quality, where it gets way more in my fucked up teeth in a way I can't extract it than most gummy products do. For sure. Yeah, it stays with you. It stays with you for a long time.

You know when you're getting strangled from behind by a shadowy assassin and then you bite the webbing of his hand. Yes. Like that's the texture of a Shaq Gummy. Yeah. Well, that's when you realize like he's not a real assassin. Right. It's like a shadow jutsu.

Right. He's a Gummy tulpa. Design for murder. All right. So I do have some ad copy because I found the ad copy for this whole that somebody had to write this extremely funny. The ad copy on their website is, uh, Shaq was involved in every aspect of the candy design, from testing flavors to approving the shape of each piece. I fucking bet not. That looks like a shamrock stung by bees. Shaq approval. Can you guys make this more swollen? That's Shaq approved. Goes on to say, that's right, Shaquille O'Neal was in the house, or at least at our technical

center in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Pause. Did they spell the house or the house? No, they said the house. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. That's how you know it was written by Whitey. It's always great when somebody's like, oh, that's right, he was in the house, or rather in our technical center. He was living large. Tell me you don't party. Tell me you medically cannot party.

Shaq and his team spent the whole day at Hershey where we effectively ran a demo for him on the process of making a gummy. He got to press candy shapes into the molding starch. Doesn't that sound great? Mix together the flavor and base formula and deposit the compound in each of the molds. He literally just went on like a grade school. Yeah. It's a field trip. This feels like a Mr. Rogers episode

where Mr. Rogers would go to like, see how they make the cookies. And it was just the fucking best day of the cookie employees life. Like, well, Mr. Rogers is here. Let me show you how to make the cookies. Like imagine that, but it's Shaquille O'Neal. Like this had to be the best day

of a gummy factory worker's life. But then also like the most boring day of Shaq's. Yeah, this is like of all the businesses he has started. He's like, man, I own 150 car washes and this one sucks. This is the thing that sucks. That's true. He does own 150 car washes by the way. Do you think they invited Shaq into the room where they made the little general CGI guy

like, Shaq, this is how we render his little mustache. They made him deny, they taught him what it was like to deny a claim. You're gonna deny a real claim today, Shaq. Shaq's excitement at the prospect of a gummy piece shaped like his face was contagious. I want people to bite my head off, he told us. All right, that's a weird way to put something that is only head. Yeah. Heads off, Shaq. It's a whole bag of decapitated heads.

Ah, that's you bite my head off. This is this part was I put this in because this part's fucking crazy. Consequently, we're really proud of the face designs our team created. Uh-huh. Are you? It's the only one they're really proud of. They don't call out any of the others. They just say, God damn, that face. So good. Our cactus team fucked it, but like...

The diesel looks like a twerking panda, but this, you tell me that's not Shaq. You tell me that's not Shaq dead in a bay For a week. Yeah, that's Jimmy Walker being exhumed in 2078 What they say one of Shaq's trademarks is of course his size So we knew these gummies would have to reflect that a finished bite ready Shackalicious gummy piece is larger than the average gummy candy and that larger canvas This shackalicious gummy piece is larger than the average gummy candy, and that larger canvas allows us to render Shaq's face with its unique warmth and expressiveness. See, they should have just put like two of them in the bag and made it like a huge ass gummy.

Right! If you opened that and it was one, like the same size bag, one like just baseball mitt size, I would have laughed for an hour and a half. It should be seven feet two inches tall and just collecting dust in the back of like a fancy candy store in Times Square. They did make a stunt one of those. They made an actual giant shack head and they presented it to Shaq as like a publicity thing for this, but that just proves you know what a hilariously large gum looks like and it's not this. Do you think you ever tried to have sex with it? I just think you've tried to have sex with it.

That's so fucked up. I don't think that's fucked up. I feel like it's a real natural reaction to that. It's a real danger if you handshack a six-foot gummy. Yeah, you microwave that thing for like 15 seconds, but that feels nice. I think 15 seconds you would die of horrible burns. But what a great way to go. Yeah, melt your penis off inside of a giant Shaq gummy.

The fucking the world's largest Shaq head gummy. What a way to go. He died how he lived. Pervertedly. Can you imagine trying to fit that into a headline? Man dies fucking largest gummy. That's not quite descriptive enough. Jack dies fucking head of self. No, that doesn't make any sense. No, it's gotta be gummy. It doesn't make any, God, what a perplexing, what a problem.

Is it gummy head of self or head of gummy self? See, this is, again, we're doing journalism today this is the process the ad copy goes on to say we had been talking for a while about working with a celebrity and finding a way to engage their brand to raise the fun factor of a gummy product jesus christ what a soulless awful thing to say does that imply they were reaching out to other people and shack is the first person that agreed yes Yes, that implies that he's not special. They just wanted to work with a celebrity and engage their brand to raise the fun factor of a gummy product. Who do you think was higher on the list than Shaq? Shaq's got a really high Q rating, I think. I think he's also up for anything. I

don't think there's a negotiation other than the number. His agent says this is what he wants and then you just pay it or don't. Whereas I think if you like went to Madonna or Madonna would be like, I know I don't I'm not going to put my face on a gummy. You know what I mean? I feel like you have to seduce a lot of celebrities, whereas Shaq is just like, I do not give a shit. I think you also have to take into account like the psychological aspect on the consumer, like you have to have a celebrity people want to eat.

Right. You can't do Chris Delia gummies. But people kind of want to take a bite out of Shaq. You see Shaq, you're like, I got a taste. Absolutely. Yeah, I don't know. I can't think of anybody else I'd rather have on there. I would eat a Steven Seagal gummy, but that's like maybe a me thing. That's a you thing for sure. I mean, I would too. Especially if they were themed after songs from his album. Like there was a me want the punani gummy. Yeah, that was a punani flavor, a carrot flavor.

Yeah. From that, from his famous Steven Seagal carrot photo. The sour ones would be like a can of Zenergi drink, like a guitar. The guitar. Uh, didn't you have cologne at one point? What's the taste of the guitar? It's like the taste of that moment when you realize Steven Seagal's gonna play the guitar? Cranberry apple. Oh yeah that's pretty good.

That's definitely like somebody at a party whipped out an acoustic guitar and you're like, ahhh. I'm not into it but I can't fight about it. Cranberry apple. They go on to say, and the gummy category is on fire. Albeit more volatile than the chocolate category, which has had over a century to mature and refine. The gummy market is not only younger, but growing faster. Gummies grew 11.8% in the last five years compared to chocolate at 6.3%.

Nearly doubled the rate. That has just been down to like population growth, not like- like people aren't discovering chocolate for the first time. They're discovering gummies. It's changing their lives. This sounds like a huge pile of bullshit to me. Just imagine talking to the poor son of a bitch that had to write that. There's no life left. Yeah. He had to spend half an hour with a data scientist to get these numbers.

Like, he looks, he for sure looks like the guy that chose the wrong grail. Like, at this point. I really do like the idea that he's trying to communicate that, hey, we wanted to attach our gummy to a celebrity. Like that's the part everyone knows, that's the part that's just built into what you're doing. He didn't know to disguise that. He didn't know to be like,

oh, when we had the opportunity to work with Shaq, that was fucking fantastic. He's like, no, no, he's just the first guy that said yes to our desperate attempt at getting attention. That's true. Usually these things get pitched like, yeah, like the celebrity was eager, it was a natural fit, this all just came together. Not like we mailed out a questionnaire to like, Chuck Loris and...

They don't even have that for candy because they're like, when it comes time to like, why did we make this gummy? Well, gummies had grew 11.8% just cold. Yeah. No, no, no. I found a fucking ancient medallion in an old treasure box. I rubbed it. Shaquille O'Neal popped out. Strangling Sinbad. So that settles that age-old debate. Anyway, all this soulless talk of gummy information reminds me of these gummy bear puns from the

AI pun site, Punsteria.com. I knew it. I fucking knew it. I can't believe it took this long. What do you call a gummy bear that can't stop working out? A well-muscled gummy bear. No, that's not even a joke. That makes about as much sense as the copy for that Shaquille O'Neal gummy.

The same writer. There's as much joy in it. As much human warmth. Why did the gummy bear refuse to share its sweets? It was quite selfish. These aren't jokes. This isn't a joke. It forgot it's trying to make puns. It's just putting the words in quotes so that you say it like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Here's the thing though. It would be a funny joke if someone got that with their guess.

If someone said, well, I guess the teddy bear would be very selfish. And you're like, well, that's exactly right. That's a joke. Why did the gummy bear refuse to accept a promotion? It wanted to say a junior mint. You're telling me the fucking gummy bears a mint gummy bear? Get the fuck out of even Shaquille O'Neal wouldn't approve that shit. No, junior mint is a different kind of candy. Yes, I understand that. But it had to have been a gummy in the first place. Or does the computer think that that's where gummies come from, this promoted Junior Mints? It's like a like a gotcha game about mixing candies.

You breed two Junior Mints, you get a gummy. That's just how it works. Yeah. There's there's more. We can crack this how gummy business promotions work. Why was the gummy bear a great mentor? It had gelatinous leadership skills. What was that a pun of? So many of the ones on this one just have like a sentence and then it puts quote marks around the

word so that you have to say it like it had gelatinous leadership skills. It learned how to mimic like a tone of voice, but not the joke. Right. I'm going through every G word I can think of to be like, what could? So it's probably not the G. That's mad. I hate how it plants this seed of a puzzle in your brain. You're like, girl, I'll just solve this puzzle. That could be fun.

It's a human fly trap is what this is. Yeah, you start to realize you're trapped forever. Yeah, you're in the cube. They put you in the cube. I just love that every single time I do this, you've been subjected to this so many times, literally hundreds of these puns, that every single time you're like, what could that mean? Yeah, no, it's like, I can't turn it off, I guess.

What do you say to apologize to a gummy bear? I'm sorry if I gave you a sticked attitude. I would just bite the fucking thing in half, that's what I would do. I don't apologize to no goddamn gummy bear. You work for me. Man, I'm falling into the fucking thing in half. That's what I would do. I don't apologize to no goddamn gummy bear. You work for me. Man, I'm falling into the trap now. Like it, like you were you going for sticky and then you thought sticked was like a different form of that word. See, you're doing the thing you're just making love.

You can't you can't help it. It's like there's an export in the human brain. There's just like a there's an open circuit and it's in there just like putting the wrong fucking piece in there. How do you start a conversation with a gummy bear? You offer it a gummy word. I fuck its wife. That starts a conversation for sure.

You like what you see gummy bear? Again, you work for me. What does it feel like? They do not build me with a gummy cock. Moving on. What did the gummy bear say to the chef? It's crazy, Shaq didn't make him put a cock on the gummies. It's like I got one note. It's a big note. It's a ridiculously big note.

Mark, you have the bag of sours right in front of you. Look at the cactus. Yeah. It's a Shaq cock. Shaq put a dick on the cactus. God bless him. It's a dick and balls right there. What did the gummy bear say to the chef? I'm not melting for your tricks, chef. That's real weird. Gummy bears famously melt, everyone knows this.

I don't even have like a place to latch onto that, like to like start thinking about it. It's a perfectly smooth surface of a joke. See, there's plenty of little handholds for me. There's an implication here. What did the gummy bear say to the chef? I'm not melting for your tricks, chef. So the chef is trying to trick like his employee.

There's like some sort of weird weird like James Spader power game going on here. Real secretary vibes. I'm getting from that. Why did the gummy bear want to become an astronaut? It wanted to reach for the constellation of sweets. Goddamn, what a impenetrable puzzle. What does it think the constellation of sweets is? It's kind of beautiful. It is, it's aspirational.

I'm like, I caught myself staring into space, picturing it just now. Yeah, like I feel like if it was a Bob Dylan song, you would let it go. Yeah, of course. Gummy bears are reaching for the constellation of sweets. Yeah, that's gotta mean something. Well, maybe the gummy bears would be weird, but yeah.

Like if that's like where he and someone's love was trying to get to, you'd be like, I think I get it. I think I know what he's trying to say. I think this one would work in a Dylan song too. How do gummy bears tell time? They use their gumptionable watches. No. I would know, as an imposter, I'd say, You're not Bob Dylan, you're Timothy Chalamet.

And finally, I asked the gummy bear if it wanted to play hide and seek. It replied, I'll bury you a thousand times. Holy shit. Finally. Finally you reveal your true colors, my gummy enemy. Anyway, back to the Shackalicious website and the frequently asked questions. One of them is, did Shaquille O'Neal make these gummies?

Each and every one. FAQ from what, fucking four year olds? Dumb shit? Let me guess the answer. Fuck you, you dumb shit. Is that what it says on the website? That's word for word what it says. It says Shaquille partnered with product development teams

to promote shapes and flavors of the gummies. He wanted to ensure that they represent them. Most importantly, taste delicious. That's how you tell a four-year-old to go fuck themselves. Yeah, that's- That's corporate speak speak and now I have a little bit of evidence that this was all a soulless ploy as if we didn't know That already my wife found an interview With the strategist where they asked Shaq about his favorite things and one of them is his favorite candies And he says whenever I'm on a diet and I can't really cheat but I have to get a cheat day taste

It's always a combination of York peppermint patties and three musketeers. Why didn't he make those? Yeah. Can you imagine a York peppermint patty with Shaq's face on it? I mean, come on. Yeah, it's right there. It smells delicious and refreshing. Three musketeers, if you enlarge it four times, it's already a Shaq cock.

Like, right there. Only four, he's gonna be really pissed about this when he finds out. He also just goes on to say, another go-to snack is any cake by Entenmint. I would love to own them one day. They have the cheese danish rolls. Ah, I would go to jail for those things.

That's him screaming. That's him screaming. Wait, do you say he wants to own all of Entenmint? Or just like own it? He wants to own all of Intimons. Wow. That has to be an acquisition he could make happen, right? Shaq has to be grotesquely wealthy. In researching his businesses, yes, he owns like 150 car washes. He owned at one point like 175 guys restaurants. Jesus. And he owned, well, you can guess, guess how many Krispy Kremes he owned. From these numbers, 115. Just one.

Again, I don't know why one is the funnest number. It just, it makes me picture him behind the counter there, like out of passion. It's taking up all my time. I can't open a second one of these. And finally, he goes on to list some other things that are not candy related, but I found utterly fascinating. One of his favorite things is the Slingshot SLR. If you look that up real quick. Huh. There's no way Shaquille O'Neal fits in this. There's no way he fits in that!

This is a roller skate for Shaquille O'Neal. Hahaha. He says, I used to ride motorcycles for real. Well, I guess I should explain. A Polaris Slingshot is like, it's kind of like a three-wheeler, but kind of a car, but real, real small. Like a normal person does not really fit in a Slingshot SLR. So if you picture Shaq in it, it's just like, maybe,

I guess maybe he could kneel in the seat and then like a good six feet of Shaq out the top. If he broke his ankle, he could kind of use this to get around. Yeah, there's no way he doesn't like the center, he doesn't fuck the center of gravity up on these too much where they don't like tip over or something when he corners them.

There's no way. Shaq says, I used to ride motorcycles for real. Nobody knows this, but an old lady hit me and I got in a wreck, but I still like the feeling of the motorcycle. I like being on top of something and having the wind blow in my face. That's why I always fuck at a full sprint.

I think Sean's right. He says, I traded in all my motorcycles and now I have three Polaris's. It's the same sensation as a motorcycle, but on something with three wheels. He has three of them. So one for each foot and one- Roller skates with a backup.

One for his cock, yes. Three of his. I thought they were like more expensive. They look, I mean, and this is Google probably lying to me, but it looks like they only run like five to 25 grand. So I can see Shaq like commissioning like a huge like super long one. Mark, do you know what this means?

Means for 10 grand you and I could fucking Dude. Destroy two of these things. Dude. Put on the Shaq mask. On you it'll look exactly like the gummy. That's what the gummy is. And then at the end of a day of rampage, we just send them both careening into the Willamette River. Absolutely. We're not keeping them. I don't even know where to put this. They must be destroyed. These are tissue cards. These are disposable.

Can't have one of these with a baby. My wife wake up and say, where's the baby? I'd say, oh, I'm sorry, the baby is nine houses that way. She jumped the slingshot SLR into the neighbor's house. Can you imagine how psyched your daughter would be if you drove her to school in this, though? All the kids would think it's Shaq. I would be wearing one of his gummies as a face. I would be wearing one of his gummies as a face. One of Shaq's other favorite things is a police siren. Just like the idea of police sirens? I like loud noises and candy foods. I cook hot racers.

This is my favorite kazoo. His name is Ted. He says, not many people know this, but I'm an honorary deputy U.S. Marshal and a reserve police officer in California, Arizona and Florida, as well as a sheriff's deputy in Georgia. Okay, we need to reboot the Steven Seagal Lawman show. Just if you're in trouble in any of those states, you can legally call Shaq, and he has to help you. See, I mentioned earlier that Shaq doesn't have a ton of personality, but like, obviously he must. Like, why didn't they make a gummy out of, like, the Sheriff badge or?

That's exactly what I'm saying. The Krispy Kreme restaurant he owns. The one Krispy Kreme he owns. You have so much about his personality in here. You could have Shaq in a Polaris Polaris as a gummy. I would love that. You have a little Shaq holding the police siren above his head in the Polaris,

trying to pull people over and they're just looking at him going, I don't know what the fuck is happening, but I'm not doing that. But he could, you'd have to pull over. He has the authority to pull you over. He's a sheriff. He has a police siren.

He loves police sirens. You can't outrun that little slingshot. He's got three of them. You would never not pull over though. You'd be like, look, this is no way this is gonna end well for me, but I have to see what he's going to do next. Shaq will never take me live. I'm not stopping.

All right. Well, we made it an hour. That's better than I thought we'd do. Good boy. Fuck it. End of podcast. Our podcast is great! And with maximum Ciaooo! Says Frankfurt Podcast? Correct! Yaaaaa! The power is not without Send it in the dog's hole

For an hour Come on! You know the number! 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt 1-900 New year!

1-900 Frankfurt 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt Frankfurt! Einstein, who did you know yet? Einstein, who did you know yet? Einstein, who did you know yet? Einstein, who did you know yet? Einstein, who did you know yet? Yah! 9000! In the future, all war is handled by elite warriors doing single battle in immense high- tech fighting decks. We call these warriors...

The Supremes. Aaron Crosston. Adrian H. Aiden Moat. Alex Nolenberg is right, there's nothing in the rule book that says your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw cock. AlphaScience is Java. Unanti.

Armando Nava. Bim Talzer. Brendan Garnock. Brian Salem. Burrito. Sero. Cheddar Wolf is also right. There's still nothing in the rulebook saying you can't have a giant chainsaw cock. Common Sense is right too. There remains nothing in the rule book against Giant Chainsaw Cocks. Craig Lemoine, I guess that's right. There's, look, it takes time to print new rule books. Let's just say no more Giant Chainsaw Cocks from now on. Alright, Quavis was late to the meeting and missed the part about the Giant Ch chainsaw cocks, but that's the last one. Dan B. David Schull put a small chainsaw cock on his robot.

Fair enough. Dean Castillo. Delta Foxtrot. Devin the Rogue Supreme. Doug Redmond comes equipped with Rocket Fist. Drayson uses Orange Laser. Dusty's Rat Title uses Green Laser. Eric Riong uses Blue Laser.

Alright, is this in protest of the giant chainsaw cock ban? Fancy Shark uses Cockliff. You're children. You're all children. Garen. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches fights with a giant chainsaw dog. Okay, we're putting all synonyms in the rulebook now too. Greg Cunningham

Haraka Honk Javer Al Aiden James Boyd it says, right here in the rulebook, your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw wang. Nice try. Jared Black, no, it can't be a giant chainsaw schlong. Jared Mountainman, right here, played English. Banned weapons, giant chainsaw man sausage.

Jared Ruiz, you cannot have a giant chainsaw hog. Oh, it's an actual hog. Sorry, let it play. Jeff Oraski, John Dean, John McCann, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh S, Joshua Graves, Justin B. Come on man, those are clearly balls. No, it doesn't matter if there's no cock, it's the spirit of the thing. Ken Paisley, K&M Banned, Chainsaw Cock, Lane Haygood Banned, Chainsaw Cock, Lisa, frankly I expectedanned. Chainsaw cock. Lisa? Frankly, I expected better of you. That's a three-day suspension for chainsaw cock. M. Jahi Chapelle, you know what? I'm going to allow it. It's fine if the robot wears concealing underwear. Mark Mahoney? I said concealing

underwear. It's hanging right out there. That's a ban. Matt Riley, Max Baror, Moju, Mercenary Sissetman, yes, it's still banned even if it's uncut. Michael Lair, Mickey Loman, Mort, you brought three rotating giant chainsaw cocks, why would that be allowed? Mr. Bob Gray, no, then four obviously wouldn't be cool, would it? Mr. Bob Gray, no, then four obviously wouldn't be cool, would it? Indeed.

Neil Bailey. Neil Schaeffer. Neku104. Nick Lavino brought an old-fashioned mace. Yes! Ornry Weevil, Nick Lavino's tag team partner, brought a bolo. This is what I'm talking about. Oh, I see what you guys are doing there.

That's hilarious. Hilarious. That's a bad one. Ozzy Olin. Patrick Herbst is allowed to bring the giant chainsaw cock because this is an exhibition match it's non-competition play guys Riannon Sarkovsky Sean Chase it's not an exhibition match because you're exhibiting something Siege it's not an exhibition match because God is always watching Spotty reception it's not an exhibition match because God is always watching.

Squatty Reception, it's not an exhibition match just because you sold tickets ahead of time. Supernaut, an exhibition match is a formally classified thing. We'll tell you when it's not a normal match, okay? Tater's Tales just got giant chainsaw cocks banned in exhibition matches too, okay? Everyone happy? Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos

Timmy Leahy Toasty God Tommy G. Velo? I don't care if it's detachable, I know what a giant chainsaw cock looks like. Booster? Yes, even if it's on your forehead. I know you're not a unicorn that's happy to see me Waylon Russell Zack and Ava that entire robot is one enormous chainsaw cock. I can't imagine being more banned Harvey, Penguini fights with a giant chainsaw vagina I

Guess that's allowed. I mean I feel like it's basically your opponent's fault if they take you up on that. I can't imagine anyone would be foolish enough to- Wow, right out the gate. Stuck his face right in there, huh? Alright, Harvey Penguini wins Alaska!