The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 212, FATAL DEVIATION with Merritt K

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

Seanbaby & Robert Brockway welcome back special guest, Merritt K to the DOGGZZONE! Faith and begorrah! A BloodSport has broken out on the Emerald Isle, and it's heavily underfunded! Join the DOGGZZONE and suffer along to 1998's FATAL DEVIATION, Ireland's first full-length martial arts film starring Jean-Clod Van'Darn and special guest, an utter test of your waning patience!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com, the final comedy website. If you missed the days when hardworking humans wrote many jokes about very strange things, go to patreon.com slash 1900hotdog and sign up. That's the end of my pitch. I'm Sean Baby and my co-host is Big Bun Hulk Tana's third runner up for Pumpfellows Rising Beef 2017 from the Rock Group Boy Zone.

He's the great Robert Brockway! I'm Robert Brockway, here's a Brockway fact. One time Shaq made me pee funny. No follow-up questions. I actually have none, I know exactly what you're talking about. Returning to the show is a writer, game developer, and columnist right here at 1900hotdog, the graceful and lethal Merritt Kay. Hey, what's up?

I just flew in from Hong Kong and boy, you know, boy zone. Boy, is your karate tired? Sorry, I was going to say that I was here on loan from an Irish boy band, but Robert got to that first. It's great to have you back. You know what we should do before we start talking about this amazing Irish martial arts movie is plug fledgling manner, which is your game. It's a reality show starring vampires.

It's out now on steam with a very positive rating, but I bet you could add more to it than what I just said. Yeah. I think last time I was on, it hadn't come out yet and it has. So it's cool. People seem to like it. Uh, it's a visual novel, which if you don't play games is means there's not. It's mostly reading. Look, I'll be honest with you right now.

It's mostly reading and looking at pictures and making choices sometimes. But, um, but, uh, yeah, it's, it's doing pretty well and it's cool. Like we've gotten reviews from like, um gotten reviews from like some Chinese players have left like Chinese language reviews that were like, I had to translate some of the stuff in here. I didn't get 100% of it, but like it was really good. And that's crazy. Like that's really cool.

It feels good that people have put that effort in. And there's like, people have written fan fiction of it and drawn fan art, which feels like... Okay. In terms of the power rush, it's on the same level as cocaine. It feels like, Wow, I made up a guy and then someone else wrote about that guy that I made up. That's fucking crazy.

It's one of those things that's a compliment and a warning. Yeah. That's fun and crazy. It's one of those things that's a compliment and a warning. Yeah. Like things are about to potentially get very weird if you go down this road. And I'm like, all right, I'm hitting the gas and we're going to see where this goes. Like it's going to be a weird trip. But yeah, it's a reality show about vampires. And if you like reality shows and or vampires, I think you'll probably enjoy it. The artist on it is my friend Shade. you like reality shows and or vampires. Um, I think you'll probably enjoy it.

The artists on it, uh, is my friend shade and it's, you know, their art is incredible. So, um, yeah, check that out. It's on steam. You can play on the steam deck. A lot of people have played it on the steam deck, which is cool. Do you have steam verified? Uh, steam hasn't verified it yet because Gabe is too busy, uh, not doing half

life three, so he's not returning my calls. Yeah, I could see that. We're trying to get there. Do you have a Steam Deck? Of course. We're a two Steam Deck household. A two Steam Deck household? We are. Double decker. My wife never touches hers, but we have it.

Yeah. I mean, it's good to have in case of an emergency, I guess. You need that second one locked and loaded. Zero deck over here. I just look at the art on the on the Steam page and I masturbate. So like, that's cool, right? You get served all those fucking weird porno games too. Every tenth game on my Discovery queue is just this unspeakable horror. I don't miss PC games at all, to be frank. So we had a serious conversation about this when we were releasing the game, because Steam, for a long time,

they didn't allow that stuff on the store. And now, for the last few years, they have. You can just put porno games on Steam, and people do. But they have a tag. If it has sex in it, it'll say sexual content. And it's fine if you're Baldur's Gate 3, because everyone's going to play that anyway. It's fine if you're cyberpunk.

If we had that sexual content tag, it would be like, well, no one knows who we are, so that would be dead. We had to go through the Steam review process and make them play through the scenes that are like, but I was like, they, they're like, intimate, optional intimate romantic scenes. And one of them is two vampire guys dry humping,

and Steam looked at it apparently and were like, yeah, that's fine. Like, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, there's no penetration. Yeah, it's penetration. We're a penetration only company. I think that's what it was, was like, as long as you don't show it going in, it's fine. That's how Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise said hi on the set of Interview with the Vampire.

Yeah, exactly. Even I feel like if you go on the Switch now, it's not like porno games, but there's a million games called like Hentai Match 3 or whatever, which is just like, I don't think this is what Reggie wanted. I don't think it's what Miyamoto wanted. I used to have a column in Electronic Game Monthly where I would make fun of the slop of the game industry, but it tended to be bad licensed game. I don't even know how you'd have that column today because 70 to 80 games come out every day. That's just super low effort garbage slop, but like nothing rises to the level, yeah, let's look at this game.

Like it's all just like this part of our culture where like we just 20% of everything is beneath your contempt. Just don't even look at it. I feel like that's actually like a really good segue into this movie because it feels like it's from a different era of like, there is this thing that's happened online

or like just in the world over the past like 15 years of, we used to be able to say like, oh, well, look at Big Rigs Over the Road Racing. Like, how could that get released? It's a terrible video game. Look at this movie, how could this get released? It's terrible. But it's like, that's most stuff now. Like, with the level of like insane bad stuff that we see every day is inconceivable 10 years ago or 15 years ago. You're exactly right. But when this came out, you could tell it was, I wouldn't say high effort, but significant effort to make like a movie and they failed in every single aspect of it. Well, hold on. This is okay. This is a terrible movie as a movie. But as like an introduction to your new best friends, it's great. Like these are just a bunch of a bunch of really broke nerds who wish they made blood sport. And you know what I was

in the 90s? A really broke nerd who wished he made blood sport. Like we this is if I if somebody showed me this in AV club, I would have been like, fuck yeah, we're hanging out. You guys, you guys had a fucking awesome weekend. Look at what you did. We're talking about the classic 1998 film, Fatal Deviation, written and directed by Jimmy Bennett, starring Jimmy Bennett as Jimmy Bennett. I think it's directed by Jay Bennett,

starring James Bennett as Jimmy Bennett. They might be three different people. It's Ireland. You guys know him. He played Nunchuck Man in Kickboxer Retaliation. He was also uncredited bullfighter in Beverly Hills Chihuahua. So he's been around. I looked him up.

So this is a guy who's aspiring to be Bruce Lay. And if you are watching a JCVD lookalike contest, you'd be like, holy shit, this guy's going to place. But in this context of him trying And if you are watching like a JCVD lookalike contest, you'd be like, holy shit, this guy's gonna place. But like in this context of him trying to like make an actual JCVD movie, it has like a sadness, like this heavy weight of wasted time like draped over it. Okay, it's obviously not a good movie.

It claims to be Ireland's first full length martial arts movie. At 76 minutes, I found that every time I googled it. I found that fact. First full length. We made it the normal amount of minutes is like their claim to fame. Prepare to cut this because it's completely irrelevant. But everywhere I drive around my hometown, there are little signs like little cardboard signs just pushed into the ground at the sides of intersections that say, I think the movie is called Big Steve and it's an advertisement for a movie Big Steve and underneath it, it just says Connecticut's largest to be movie premiere. This is the same

quality. It's the same quality of post. That's the modern equivalent. Yeah. So good. Oh, that's great. But see, I think anyone looks at that and thinks, what are the accolades it had to skip over to get to that? Like, we can all see what you're not saying when you say something like that. They're definitely not saying best, most critically acclaimed, most expensive. Any of the things you might think, oh, that could mean quality. Did any of you, I'm just curious right now, we don't have to skip ahead to this part, even though it's coming up in I think three seconds. Did any of you Google boy zone?

Cause I did not have that courage. I didn't Google boy zone. I would've got a real erotic steam game. I had a weird experience watching this where I was like, why does one guy in this movie look kind of like 90s handsome in a way that a friend's older brother might have, you know, when I was growing up? And then I realized I could go on the Wikipedia page and I'm like, why does he have the only blue underlined name?

And he's the Boyzone guy. Oh, he's from Boyzone. Oh, of course. We should say it specifies in the credits. It says, co-starring yada, yada, yada, and from the rock group, Boyzone, Mike Graham. Yeah. That was not even the first laugh out loud moment from the credits because the production logo is like, it's Rising Sun Productions and the production logo

is just a dark background. And then at super sped up time, the sun rises and then like default font flops out and is rising sun productions. It's so funny. It's like a Tim and Eric gag. And then a link to their website slowly types out and it's in Papyrus font with like default drop shadow. And it cracked me up so hard. These are the funniest credits I have ever seen. Like, seriously, laugh every five seconds. Yes.

Through the credits. Amazing. Because then the title comes up and it's Fatal Deviation, which is a very funny title, and it's in the Killer Instinct font, which is even funnier. Yep. Kind of pixelated like they ripped it from a ROM they got of Fatal Instinct. And it comes out very silently. There's absolutely no sound. And it explodes out and then just kind of wiggles. And again, third time I laughed out loud at the credits. And I do kind of want to talk about the title because I had to look up the fucking name

of this movie 10 different times. Fatal Deviation means nothing. As nothing do with anything that happens in movies. It's like how an Italian would make fun of an American saying an action movie. Like, oh, a fatal deviation. We name real movies like that, America. It's fucking nonsense. Yeah, what was the deviation and who died from it? Did we just, because I watched the whole movie and it didn't happen. It's just a little hint that what you're about to see

is people who don't quite get how anything is supposed to work. They've seen movies, they just don't know why they like them or why anyone else would watch them. Okay, so it starts with a weird little room that this guy was in, the walls covered in pictures of Jean-Claude Van Damme, like seemingly autographed or maybe I thought for a second they were trying to play it off like he was this guy's father because he's like looking at the pictures talking about his father. I'm like, holy shit, are they going to try to say that? No. But here's how they tell the story. It's so good. I pulled the clip. This has been my home for 10 years.

Every day I've trained to be as good a martial artist as my father. I am a man now and it's time I went home. I need to discover who I am, what it is I should do, and what happened to my father. By fucking, by just fucking my way through this reform school. It reads like the notes you would give somebody on a script. Like, you need to tell me who this guy is, where his father is, and what he needs to do. And they're like, okay, good notes. I'm gonna put that in the script. No, man, you weren't supposed to write it on the cake.

Don't just read the VHS box to me, you asshole. It's just the quality of the voice acting in the recording makes it sound like the opening to an FMV game for the Panasonic 3DO that everyone hated. Sewer shark, we need your ticket mission ready. Incredible. I liked that they showed you all the pictures of Van Damme and then panned over him looking

like Van Damme about to have a coronary and a chip shop. Like, he's just... He's red, he's sweaty. It looks like he's got road rage all the time. He's... You know why that is? They showed that in the extended behind-the-scenes at the end. He gets his pump on before every scene, so his muscles are jacked. But to the point where he's just dripping sweat and they don't have makeup. Yes. He's just fucking pounding curls so his arms are his jack.

And that explains why he's exhausted in every scene. Oh, it cracks me up. I guess we should describe him. He looks, he's very glamor muscled out. Like it's clear he's trying to look like Jean-Claude Van Damme, but he just doesn't have the movie star good looks. And I don't mean that in a bad way. He's a to look like Jean-Claude Van Damme, but he just doesn't have the movie star good looks. And I don't mean that in a bad way. He's a presentable man.

It's just that something about him just sort of says Tiimou Jean-Claude Van Damme. Like there's nothing he can do about it. See, I wrote down he's built like SpongeBob SquarePants and handsome Squidward at the same time. Okay, yeah. Yeah, that's really good. This man is a square.

This man is almost a perfect square. And he's like, Sean says he's Jim Buff, but he's Jim Buff to the point where like, where he moves like the Boston Dynamics robot, where he has to just constantly take little steps to stay upright. Right up until he does a Jean-Claude Van Damme move, and then you're like, that looks exactly like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Like, he'll throw a spin kick, you're like, holy shit, like holy shit that like you squint your eyes it just looks like him. But then he walks down the street and you're like is there an earthquake? If you had to guess how old he was when he made this. A very handsome 42. Yeah I'd say anywhere from 21 to 55. I read somewhere that said he was 18 which which I don't believe, like that seems insane. According to his IMDB, he was 23. Okay.

Yeah, like it's impossible to tell. Like he's just like an adult man. His muscle density is not that of an 18 year old. Right. That's throw that out the window. Yeah. The steroids have pulled him out of out of traditional time. Yeah. Well, he comes out of this reform school, but he's I believe it's implied that the reform school taught him martial arts.

Right. He was in this reform school for 10 years. And it's called St. Claude's Reform School. On an adorable piece of paper. I missed all of this backstory they're trying to explain. No, you didn't. You just played the clip. That's 100% of it. Oh, you're right. I guess you're right. I just didn't know anything about this reform school. Unless he did say... Did he actually say that in the voiceover? I think I might have been laughing.

I think at some point he's like, I've been in school for 10 years. And also, I'm sorry, if I do an Irish accent, I'm sorry in advance. My mom's English, so I've already done, you know, like, historically enough harm to Irish people. I really shouldn't do anymore, but... I think they're still okay. I think you're not supposed to do Italian anymore, but like, Irish, you can still do it.

Irish is still fair game. I think after they make this movie, you're allowed. Like, you can be racist. That's true. Yep. To whichever culture made this movie. Right. You can make fun of us for this, you're focused.

All right, so there are no rush to get started made this movie. Right. You can make fun of us for this, you focus. All right, so there are no rush to get started in this movie. It goes straight into a music video of him just walking down country roads. He finds an old shed, batches it up into the rock, and I think this is his dad's home, and it's just been wrecked. I don't know what happened here,

but he just gets to work tidying up. People have gone in there and turned chairs upside down. I don't know why. He starts flashing best first of many flashbacks to ancient martial training, full oriental music. Immediately from that, we go to a grocery store. Because the people making this movie, they know that, OK, our guy's got to go around and beat up some bullies.

So there are these two middle-aged ruffians who are just romping through a grocery store. They're just grabbing eggs and throwing them on the floor. And eating donuts, just like running around in shopping carts. Well, you know these are bad boys because the first thing they do is they run up to an old man and take his shopping cart,

his completely empty shopping cart so that he's not even inconvenient. He had not started shopping yet. He's just like, oh, sorry, I'll just grab another one. And then they start throwing potatoes because it's impossible to be racist in this movie. They're such cruel depictions of Irishmen that they're lucky they're actually Irish, otherwise this would be a hate crime. You're supposed to like, when you show this, like they're bad guys and you're going to put them in their place, but there's not a single shenanigan they do here that isn't like a rowdy seven-year-old.

Right. They're just really ill-behaved like church children. And again, in a town of probably 800 people. So like that old guy when they took his card, he's like, oh, shameless, you fucking wee fucker. Like he knows a guy. He can call that, he's probably, I guess at the same age. Like when we say this old guy, it's like, no, no, the Ruffians are in their 50s. Yeah, they are technically grandparents. And like the pinnacle of this scene of they're like, oh, they are messing up this grocery store is like our main female lead

is building a paper towel display. And she's like, oh, I hope they don't knock this over. And they don't, he does. Our hero does. What does he say? They go up to the lady that works there and goes, hey, blondie, like it's not even that bad of a sex crime. It's just-

For the 90s, this was- Yeah, no, this barely registers in the 90s. Yeah, in the 90s, that's like a friendly handshake. So our hero comes up and he goes, you're very brave to be harassing young women. And the guy immediately rushes the camera. Like he doesn't say like, oh, who's this tough guy? He just charges. He knows this was a bullfighter from Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

He's like, I know that guy. That's right. I recognize you. He was going in for an autograph. He gets kicked in the dick, and then the other guy, he just shows his foot to him. He does that Jean-Claude Van Damme delayed sidekick, and they're both like, oh, shit, this guy's a karate man. And just run.

It's pretty rad. But honestly, I think anyone could have kicked this little dude in the dick. Like if you have a 55 year old man running around eating donuts in the grocery store, kick him in the dick. This is, yeah. Okay, so we're doing like a, like they read something where they're like,

oh, or they've seen enough movies where they're like, okay, we have to like introduce the hero doing something kind of heroic, but like start the stakes low and then escalate as it goes on. The stakes like could not be lowered. Like they're in the fucking ground at this point. Like two guys are throwing eggs at the grocery store. It's not even like, this is sub save the cat. Like it's just save the eggs.

It's like, It's bizarre. And clearly, they were like, maybe they were just working off, oh, the grocery store will let us shoot there, so we'll do this. But these guys also aren't members of the criminal syndicate that's threatening the town, really. They are just kind of hooligans. They're just low-level gang member, like just random guys who give like no XB

and are just there as like a tutorial. Their health bars are gray. You're getting no XB for killing this mom. And then he just sort of leaves without saying anything cool or having sex with the employee. Like when I say he doesn't say anything, I mean, he just leaves. There's no like, yeah, clean up on aisle six or whatever.

Even that would have been like, okay, it was 1998. We would have allowed it. I have it says it cuts to a guy getting a gun pulled on him by his boss at a farm. And I just was so confused by this. Some guys just like having a smoke break and his boss like pulls a gun on him. And he's like, oh, hey, boss. Yeah, okay. I'll get back to work. And then he hands the gun to the guy. He just pulled the gun on him. Like, just way to take the danger

out of this entire concept of shooting people. And that's the main villain. I love that they introduced the main villain. You can tell he's the villain because he has a very fancy suit. But the first place you see him is like in a condemned trailer overrun by feral cats. Like 90% of this movie is just a condemned building

they found somewhere. He runs the town because he's the only one with a checking account. So our guy, it cuts to him like doing, I want to say it's zany yard work because the music is really bouncy, but I might not just say this is the best movie I've ever seen.

Like he's just doing chores for 10 minutes and then it cuts to more karate flashbacks. And I have no idea which character cuts to more karate flashbacks. And I have no idea which character he is in the flashback. I think I pieced together that he was a kid getting bullied and then he ran home to tell a karate master that he's being bullied, which I found out later in the movie that's his father.

So he went home to his father, the karate, local karate master and said, I got shoved during the soccer game. And his dad's like, you know what? I should probably teach you karate. I mean, you're my son and that's like what I do for a living it never occurred to me to teach my son karate as the local karate man imagine how much you have to hate your father when you're seven years old to not ask him to teach you karate first thing we say that but it is such a struggle to get my daughter to karate with me I know I know it used

to be a little easier, but she's like, I don't do karate anymore, dad. She's moved on to I-beams. She's got electric I-beams. I'm like, all right, that's not. You started her too early, and now she's already at the refusing the call step. You just gotta wait for it to come back around.

What do we cut to after that? We got some ladies in ATM. Everyone in this town has bleach blonde hair, so at this point, I have no idea which woman is which. Right. Odd choice. Yeah, like... Or a scraggly goatee and paste it on bangs. Like, it's impossible to sell any of these people apart. Again, I don't know if that's racist against the Irish,

but they made this movie, so I'm assuming this is okay. Yeah, it's also filmed in 120i. So like that doesn't help. So they're gossiping about Jimmy Bennett's dead dad. They're like, Oh, Jimmy Bennett's back in town. I heard his dad is dead. What? Let's talk about that giggle. And then a third and unrelated woman gets followed by a car. And then two henchmen get out with flowers. They're like, Hey, Mikey wants to hang out with you. And she's like, no, no, thank you.

And they're like, hey, come on, we're Mikey's henchmen. Won't you consider how this makes our job harder? And then writer-director Jimmy Bennett comes and beats them up. And then he tells her, it's OK. I know what it's like to be bullied. Yeah. Women don't call that bullying, my man.

Yes. Then we're going to give her another. She's just walking home. I have a clip. Thanks. It's OK. I know a clip. Thanks, I- It's okay. I know it's like to be bullied.

Just, I wanted the listeners to hear how he delivered that line and then the dead silence that followed it. And the druid, they cut to one single frame like it's been cut in like Fight Club of a druid. And you're like, did I just see a fucking druid? I'm not this racist against the Irish, right? There was an actual, you guys saw the druid?

No, there's a druid watching. So, okay, he beats these guys up. I wrote down that he did a flopping wheel kick over the car hood and I want to just make it clear that it's kind of cool, but not filmed in a way that makes it look cool. Yeah, you're not supposed to film the crotch. Right.

And then he slaps the other guy a few times in the chest, but again, it's filmed in a way that makes it clear he is gently slapping his friend so as not to hurt him. I don't know. It really feels like something you would have done on your first take as a seventh grader making your very first kung fu movie. You would have looked at the dailies of that and said,

oh, oh, they do something to make it look like the moves hurt. Okay, we got to figure out what that is before we fucking show this to anybody. But yeah, the wizard was watching. I think he was like waiting at this rural Irish intersection for the chosen warrior. This fucking place doesn't even have a street light. And he's like, I'm just going to stand here

and wait until the chosen warrior comes along. If you watch this movie, you will see that Druid in the background of several shots, just like filling out the crowd, not hunting him from afar or anything. He'll like have his back turned or he's like trying to just look, but they kept him in the robe.

Yeah, I think it's just a Druid tale. There's just, they're haunted by local wizards. Yeah, they have those. So he walks with her, he walks with this woman about eight more feet and then just leaves after saying the bullied line. He gets home and his eggs are cracked. I don't know if you remember this in the movie.

He is so fucking pissed about his eggs getting cracked because he's like stopped for the karate fight. And the acting choice that writer-director star Jimmy Bennett makes is, I fucking swear on the wet remains of this egg it shall be avenged. Like no one's ever looked more mad. It's not like, oh darn it.

That's his only emotion. So mad. He's so mad at everything in this movie. We cut to the avengements very very modest farmhouse. They're reporting in that young Jimmy Bennett is back in town after 10 years and I have a great clip. Another one of their masterful storytelling moments. What happened to you? Guess who's back in town?

Young Jimmy Bennett after ten years. Why don't we get him to work for us? Working for us? Why not? Wouldn't it be ironic to have the son of the man I killed working for us? That's a pretty good plan, boss. We did last. Okay, so you heard how friendly and adorable that old man is. That's the villain of the movie, like everywhere out of his out of his mouth

It's just like tell me another story grandpa and uh, he looks like immediately just looking at him He's sick like he yeah his face is pink and he's got the hands of corpses Everything else is green like dude his hands are completely gray Like I I don't know what I thought he was wearing gloves at first. I'm like, no, those are not... I thought they were trying to do a special effect. Like maybe he was like mostly ghost. Right, or he had iron fists.

Like this is big trouble, a little big trouble here? No. So this guy paid to be in this movie. No. Indirectly, yeah. Well, he funded the movie. He was a lawyer who lived in Trim, which is the town that this all takes place in, in Chatham.

The town's name is Trim. Hell yeah. Yeah, we live in, we live in Conspero. We live in Poon Tang, Mexico. Come on, fuck off Ireland. But he was a lawyer who lived there and he paid part of the, he funded the movie in exchange for being in the movie. This is like the best $200 he ever spent. It looks like so much fun.

It really does. Oh, fuck. What's so embarrassing? What a funny thing to pay to be a part of. I could see being in it and then saying, I'll give you 800 bucks to not show that to a fucking soul. I just, I believe in you so much. You look kind of like Van Damme, but much more square.

The world has to see this. Also, while we're talking about money, if I did the math right, so the budget of this at the time, it was in Irish pounds, it was before they got on the Euro. And I think it works out today to about 20 grand is how much this costs, 20 grand US. That is $19,800 more than I thought they spent. But that's also the most hilarious amount it could be. Yeah, it's true. I mean, I think most of that did go on like the 1995 car that they did not intend to destroy.

We'll get to that. 20 grand is a used camera. This movie is one used camera. They cut from here to a training montage. You think it's going to be awesome, but it's just Jimmy loosening up, just shaking his wrists out and stretching. And then he finally does the Jean-Claude Van Damme splits between chairs, but only at about 70%. And it looks like he hates it. It looks like he might die. When he's warming up, they do the thing where Bruce Lee clenches his fist so hard that

his knuckles crack, only he does it with his spine and that's not cool. Right, I do that when I get out of bed. Like that's not- Yeah, I'm 45 and I have scoliosis. Mine does that too, but it's not supposed to. Yeah, that's what I liked about it I guess, is that like I like to snap my bones into place before a workout too. I can relate to this. The girl from earlier brings him a little pie, like a weird little pie. Like it's a hostess fruit pies, size pie, and then just leaves just like here's a pie fucking I'm out. And I feel like they're going for romance thing. He chases her

down. She's on a bike, he runs out in the street. And like, oh, darn, that was your shot. It's like, no, you could have said something to her when she came into your house with a pie. Add that to the list of things in the movie that are weird. He can't miss his one shot. That woman has the square-est body. He has the square-est body. Like they were meant to be together. His sperm and her eggs would fit together like Legos.

When they cut to the farmhouse, I didn't notice it the first time, but I noticed the second time, there's a gong sound. Like when they go to the bad guy's house, the audio, they add a gong. And I thought that was a very funny choice because he's not an Asian man. There's nothing, I don't think there is an Asian man in the movie.

If you were going to do it, do it every time, but nope, just once and they were like, whoops, no, sorry. So they offer him a job. They're like, Jimmy Bennett, come work for us. He's like, I don't know. I didn't take a clip, but like, trust me, that's a really good recreation. My favorite part of this is that, so they do an establishing shot. These two goons, he comes back in his house and two goons are like the boss

want to talk to you and they do an establishing shot of the big bosses palatial mansion and it's like a three bedroom home. It's like, it's, I would call it nice for me. Like if I found that, like that's an all right place to rent. And he entices Jimmy, he's like call it nice for me. Like if I found that, I'd be like, yeah, it's an all right place to rent. And he entices Jimmy, he's like, come work for me. Didn't you see all the fancy cars outside? I rewound the scene and the answer is no, there were none. Fancy cars not pictured.

No cars pictured. They sold that used Camry to make the movie. To be fair, at this point, a horse counts, I think, as a fancy car. There wasn't even a horse. It was just grass. It's just a bunch of grass. You see that grass. I can afford fertilizer, Jimmy. Motherfucker, you don't even have a bike. I looked.

Yeah, we saw that 20-minute scene of him walking on a road. I think they know that movies like this have training montages and narrative montages. And so they do that. Like, so it cuts to like blurry footage of them at the fun fair, but like, but weird, like a Jan Terry video. Like it starts to get like effects start happening and I like, oh, did they get drugged? Somebody hit him with a neck dart or something like, no,

no, they just make weird choices. And then from there we do a karate flashback, which is very Bloodsport because Bloodsport is like several nested flashbacks next to training montages. We can't skip through the funfair entirely, because I want to talk about the boy. You all saw the boy, right? The most unfortunate young man ever put to film. Go watch this again. This moment in his adolescence should never have been captured and preserved for all time. He's got... everybody's got bad hair here. He's got crispy

gelled tendril bangs like pasted down his forehead so it looks like his hair is crying. He's just clearly there at the fair like sulking like a teenager on a family outing. He just looks at the camera like God and then they cut away like that's so cruel. It's so cruel to include that. Oh man they caught him on his first day of being goth. He's like fuck I haven't like to include that. Oh man, they caught him on his first day of being Goth. He's like, fuck, I haven't like grown into this look yet! He's not wearing any guy, he's wearing like a polo and slacks, and but he's got like first day Goth hair, like he's just trying something and we captured that, that's there forever. Fucking tragic. It was a tragedy, it made me wistful of suicide. suicide. Oh, Jesus. Well, okay, let's cut to the karate flashback. It's some guy, I think it's his dad. He's sitting by a fire and just sort of doing random ninja shit. He does like a finger push,

doesn't bow. Finger push, doesn't bow. It's very Bloodsport. And then he gets stabbed by an intruder. And someone sees it. It's fucking young Jimmy Bennett. We already know that Jimmy knows what happened to his dad because we just saw footage of him watching his dad get killed by a sword. And I don't think the filmmakers knew that that's what they were showing us, but that's, I don't know how they couldn't.

So the mystery of the movie is done. By the horrible corpse hands, you immediately know that's the villain, that's Lachlan. Yes. And it's so funny that he killed him with a sword. That guy, that drunk guy that looks like he turned to drinking because he saw a leprechaun and nobody believed him. That's the guy he is in that Disney movie.

And he killed him with a fucking sword? The county's only homeowner killed the only karate master with like a fucking katana blade. So we have some more training, jogging push-ups, some incredible kempo. I want to make it clear that this guy is very good at whatever the fuck he does. And I think it's American kempo karate and things he saw in Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, which means every fifth move looks like he's making fun of karate. Like, he does these weird little kicks, like he's getting a house cat off of his leg or something. You're like, what was that?

What the fuck was that? The little horse stance. Yeah, and he does a little horse stance. You're like, what? That's not karate. That's not karate. You're fucking with me. Yeah, come on.

And now we find out that the old guy is holding a local karate tournament, a local blood sport, and they want Seagull to win, is the name of their guy. I didn't hear that wrong. sport, and they want Seagull to win, is the name of their guy. I didn't hear that wrong. No, his name is Seagull. So he's the trash bird?

I think it might be how they say Seagull in their accent, but I can't be sure. We need that Steven Seagull. Yeah, okay, we'll get Steven Seagull. We also meet the boss's shithead son, who's like our second villain in this, and that's Mikey from, he's the Boyzone boy. And you can tell that right away

that he's the biggest celebrity there because he doesn't have scenes where other people are in it and all of them are filmed in his own living room. Like it's always very clearly just his house. We get Boyzone Mikey for four hours on Sunday. That's it, we gotta do all of his scenes. And he will not leave his home. So I had never heard of Boyzone Mikey for four hours on Sunday. That's it, we gotta do all of his scenes. And he will not leave his home. So I had never heard of Boyzone before.

Oh! Just one of my blind spots, right? It's a place for boys. I mean, it sounds like a great place, but it was apparently like a huge deal. Like an enormous, enormous band in Ireland. Like just- In Trim. In Trim, Ireland. No, it was- Ireland. In Trim. In Trim, Ireland.

And for the local Trim community. Legitimately a huge deal. It was the second most successful boy band in Britain. So this is fucking Justin Timberlake being in this movement? Yes. That's amazing. Boyzone Mikey is like, we got Justin Timberlake and a used Camry. How do we put this together?

Right. It's crazy because this is the kind of thing that like, oh, a guy who had had musical success and then now is like wants to do other stuff or whatever or is desperate and like would take some money in exchange for being this movie. But like, I'm pretty sure they're like at the top of their game at this point. And so I don't know how they got him to be in this. I guess maybe he just really wanted to be in an Irish karate movie. And this was the only one. This is the only feature. The only full length.

He wanted to be in the full length martial arts Irish karate movie. Right. And there was only one game in town. I would love to meet his agent or his manager and find out how he allowed it. Because that's like what kind of a manager is for right? Yeah. No, you cannot be in the $20,000 Irish martial arts film. Boyzone Mikey, you said you wanted me to get you some trim.

Hold on. Who else is attached to the project? Well, they got Joey McIntyre, they got Lance Bass. Steven Seagal. Yeah, Steven Se they got Lance Bass. Steven Seagal. Yeah, Steven Seagal's attached. Steven Seagal. Steven Seagal, did you say Seagal? No, it's my accent.

No, I have the same accent. It's... They got Bruce Lay, Gene Claude Van Dam, Van Darnit. Okay, so one of them at this meeting literally asks the boss, why do we care about the tournament? And another character tries to explain. And I just thought that's funny that they're thinking about how to explain

the stakes to the audience and the best thing come up with is like, yeah, if we win the tournament, people in the town like us and it's good for us so we can do crime and it's just like, oh, I don't even know. I didn't take a clip. I should have, but so he's on a walk with the girl. The girl's name is Nicole and the wizard finds Jimmy. They do a thing where I think they're trying to make it look like there was a third, like he sees a guy, a monk,

and then he sees another monk, and I feel like he's doing like a multiplicity thing. Is that, am I crazy? Or to me, it felt like the filmmaker's trying to say like, oh, this monk can make more multiple versions of himself. I think it was just really badtogether shot that was meant to establish there's some sort of like, druidic Jack-Jack out in these woods. Okay. I like that.

Because these are all real filthy old men. Yeah. Like this is why, this is where you find woods pornography from. These were the guys who left it for you out there. I took a clip of the monk because he turns around and sees the monk right behind him, just like right in his face, and this is what he says. Who are you, people? The question is, who are you? What are you talking about? I know my past, do you know yours? Come on, Nicholas, we're leaving. This guy's crazy.

Come on, Nicholas, we're leaving. This guy's crazy. Amazing. I know my past, do you know yours is such a weird thing to say to a stranger. Plus, I don't think the wizard knows anything. I feel like I don't, maybe I'm wrong. I don't know if he ever revealed anything that the main character didn't already know. I mean, it was very clear to me as the viewer that this was not, that this man was lying, that this Woods pornography druid was lying to get a vulnerable young man in a dangerous position.

That was made abundantly clear to me. J. Once he agrees to train, the first thing he does is have him change into the little caveman pants. J. Yeah, he has him stripped down and hits him with sticks. Like, that's... I know what you're doing. J. Yeah, that's a sex thing. That's a boy zone thing.

So, we cut to the next day and then there's two guys that won't let him into the bar. and hits him with sticks. Like that's, I know what you're doing. Yeah, that's a sex thing. That's a boy's own thing. So we cut to the next day and then there's two guys that won't let him into the bar. And he's like, I haven't done anything wrong. Like he's never heard of a private party or something. And so he gets a running start. Like, his solution, he gets a few feet back and there's a running start and does a double kick.

But again, not in a cool way. As they scream in terror, watching him do the run up, like he starts doing the run up and both guys are just like, oh fuck no one's ever thought of this before. This is a little girl's birthday party. This is Ireland that we do those in pubs. A completely insane escalation of like, it's just, I try to imagine, I'm like, okay,

I'm trying to imagine like this happening in like, as well, in a club and damn movie, or like any kind of like action. And it's just like, no, in any of those movies, what would happen is then they would they would either like start picking a fight with him, or where he would need to get in there for some reason. Like, it's not just like he wants to have a drink, like, no, like that someone's being held hostage, and he needs to get in. But no, it's just, he's like a fucking psycho. Yeah, you find this out when they, you think the whole time they're doing this scene,

you think like, oh, there's some reason he's gonna be in there. And then they show him, get in there, and he sits down and he just goes, beer. Yeah. Like, what, that was what that was for? Just, he's not a functioning alcoholic. He's so mad through this whole movie.

Like, I rewound it during that fair montage, and they were doing like a bumper cars thing. Yeah. And every single time he got hit by a kid during that, he just raged out. He's gonna kill that fucking kid. He was just like, you could see him swearing and his teeth gritting.

He's like, fucking kids. He's just so mad throughout this whole movie. He goes, the very first thing that happens is he like bumps into a guy, and it looks like our hero is going to fuck him up Not like it's not the other way around everything's backwards The waiter spills a beer on like ponytail henchmen and the ponytail henchmen shoves him and that's all the excuse our guy needs Just go fuck him up. Just like plants his head in the table. He might be dead another guy attacks him probably thinking

He's doing the right thing. We've got to get this maniac out of the bar. And they have a real awkward bar fight. He's doing all Jean-Claude Van Damme bits. I'm shocked they showed this to anyone. It's so embarrassing. Then he goes up to the bartender and he's like, give me a falcon drink. And the bartender pulls a rifle on him. And he does, he grabs the rifle and turns it around and bonks him with it. But again, so gently, I have a clip of the audio. This is the action music, by the way. Get the hell out of here, you little Tully-Arc bastard! Fuck you when you're going gonia prick. That was our hero who said that.

And he's not, yeah, he's not, there's not a clever line at the end. It's just rage. Fuck you and your gonia prick. But he has turned down the offer because one of the, he recognized one of the henchmen and he's like, oh shit, while I'm here, I should turn down that job that I got offered by the bad guy. Because they're not hiring me now. And now a monk shows up at Jimmy's house with a scroll invitation to the tournament, which he has never heard of.

He's like, oh shit, what's this? And his date, Nicola, she goes, that's the fucking bloodsport invitation. It's like quite a big deal. Like what? Delivered by a door to door scroll druid as we do it. And he, who vanishes by the way, he Batman's out of there.

And Jimmy's like, what the, how did the wizard do magic? So now Jimmy, the amount of training montage while he's training the original wizard shows up and offers to train him. And he goes into the woods looking for him the next day and he appears right behind him and he says this. Expect the unexpected. But I was just- Your training begins tomorrow.

Okay. He left the last scene by saying, meet me in the woods at the break of day, and then he began this scene by leaping out and saying, your training begins tomorrow. So that's fucking two days you wasted, my man? Expect unexpected. hits tomorrow. So that's fucking two days you wasted? Wait a minute. Unexpected. Because it is 6 45 a.m. Like do you not want to? We're here. When is this tournament?

Like yeah, is it next year? How much time do we have to burn on fucking? Do I have to stay in the woods until tomorrow? He does, he just sleeps on the fucking ground. Like. All right, well, I'm leaving then. And it flashes back to him training with his dad. He's learning double tiger cloth slaps, hay throw,

all the best moves. The wizard wakes him up. He tells him to put on the caveman panties. He only has them on for one very short little jogging scene. There are like five costume changes during this one training montages. Every time the old woods pervert druid is just like, okay, take them off again.

Are you sure this is training? Yes, now I'm gonna hit you with sticks. Also, it's so Irish that the fucking druid plays bagpipes. So all of this training montage is set to like amateur bagpipe music. I wanna make it clear that the druid at no point exhibits martial arts skills. So he's teaching him moves,

but if they leave the camera on for more than a second, you're like, oh, this fucking guy doesn even know what Karate's supposed to look like. Oh, God. If it were a professional movie, they would have an older guy who could still fight, or a stunt double who would stand in for the older guy and just have a fake beard on and sweep his legs when he didn't expect it or something to be like, oh, you think you under-restorate me because I'm an old creep who lives in the woods? Like, oh, you have to learn your lesson. But like, there's no, like, they don't have stunt people. Like, they don't, like, as we see pretty clearly in like the post credits, like blooper scenes where people are just getting fucking

injured and cars are getting like destroyed. So they don't have any of that. So it's just like, he's sort of teaching him like Irish Chi magic, but then not even doing that. He is really just like hitting him with sticks while he's sort of tied up. And when I put it that way, it almost seems unscrupulous. It's one they lifted straight from Bloodsport. They're just like, let's do the exact thing from Bloodsport.

This is why you never follow the trail of Woods pornography. Because it's meant to lead you into this trap. It leads to stick murder. You take one page and you go. This training montage ends with more training. I thought that was a brilliant filmmaking decision. The monk is holding out on him about the dad knowledge. He's like, tell me what happened to my dad.

Even though we have seen in this movie him watch his dad die. And's like, tell me what happened to my dad, even though we have seen in this movie, him watch his dad die. And then they play the theme song again. I cut it off earlier. I want to let a little of it play. It's so good. When you feel like giving up, you feel like giving in. The world around you changes every day. Okay, okay, I gotta stop it.

It's just somebody's little brother ruining an Eels cover. The thing is, if that song was better produced and rhymed, I don't think it'd be that bad. It still wouldn't make sense at all in this movie. Right. It doesn't have anything to do with the movie, but it's clearly the movie's theme song. I didn't check, but I'm assuming that's also Jimmy Bennett singing that. Unless it's Boyzone.

Fucking has to be. This could have been the most popular band in Britain. This is launching his solo career. This is why you don't have a solo career, Mikey Boyzone. Okay, so the grocery store Lunatics are watching him train in the woods. They tell the bad guy, hey, he's training in the woods. He's gonna join the Bloodsport Tournament.

They're like, oh shit, go kill him with motorbikes. And so they go, the motorbikes show up and he's with the woman and she's erotically feeding him a strawberry. It is probably the of all the things in the movie, it's the biggest swing and a miss at what they're trying to do. Like she's like, oh, this will be romantic. And she just like matches him in the head with the strawberry. He looks like, like he's got diarrhea.

I don't know. I can't explain how unsexy it is. The only thing that could interrupt how sexy that was is that he then hears the dirt bike noise. Yeah. And he just, with the next shot, is him flying through the air to jump kick the person off the dirt bike. They forgot to establish that he knows the dirt bikes are there to kill him.

So it looks like he was just pissed off that a dirt bike was interrupting his picnic. And he's like, I'm fucking trying to have a peaceful day. This is the exact hard target kick to knock a guy off his bike. Like, it looks like they had footage of it there on the day and tried to recreate it frame by frame. There's one where you like taps a guy on the show. Everyone gets off the

bikes after the first guy gets knocked off and sort of stare off into the woods and the hill. This is when the guy does his his stealth and he taps the guy on the shoulder and head kicks him. He steals a bike. There's a scene where he like takes the helmet and like dismissively throws it away. So this is like an anti-helmet law film, I guess. And then the first thing he does is chasing them down. He jumps up to stand on the motorbike and the way they shoot it, it makes it look like he was doing that the whole time. Like he's just like, he's just spending a good 10 minutes just standing up on a motorbike with full like police ready stance with a pistol shooting guys on motorbikes.

No, you're making it sound way too cool. He is throwing bullets just into the countryside at any angle other than in front of him. While standing up on the motorcycle the whole time. He's not, it's just him filmed from below. But they're just like, we forgot that he was supposed to be on the motorbike. So just roll with it. So we've done some blood sport training.

I think there was some kickboxer training stuff in the mix too. And now we're just doing the hard target scene. Just doing exactly. Exactly doing the hard target scene where he doing exactly the hard target. Exactly doing the hard target scene where he's standing up on the bike shooting people. This is when Chance Boudreau, because his mama took one, jumps over the van. He turns around, plays chicken with a van,

and then jumps over the van. But they don't have a van. They have a 1985 Mercedes-Benz Splurnox. And so they just drive that thing off the road rather than have a guy somersault over the top of it. I don't even know the top of it. I don't even know how to explain it. Like Brockway said, he is just on the,

standing up on the motorcycle for so long, shrieking and throwing random bullets into the mountains. He just kills multiple guys like this. But when I say kill, like they have footage of guys like gently laying down their dirt bikes and they're like, oh, I guess I'm dead now. That'll look like I died, right? It also cuts back to footage of him sitting on the motorcycle in the middle of all this. So it's hard to tell

what they even want us to think is happening. At some point, he goes back to the monk, right? He goes back to the monk and they're just like sulking by the fire because they got away with the girl. Like he did all of this and it didn't work. He 100% forgot about her. He just left her by the side of the road while they, and they grabbed her and they sped away at like 10 miles an hour. I have a clip to have the stakes explained to us. This is pretty good.

There she is boss. So you've been seeing this guy better behind my back. Is this how you repay my kindness? I could have anyone, Do you know that? Do you know that? You made me look bad and that's not good. What are you gonna do? I'll make sure that he never wins the tournament again, not even at his competition. He'll come and get me. I hope he does. That's Boyzone Mikey, right? That's Boyzone Mikey, right? Mm-hmm. That's Boyzone Mikey! You don't recognize the dulcet tones of Boyzone Mikey, filmed from his own couch, not in the same room as this woman.

Every time they cut to him and it's just, it's a head-on shot of him, and then they cut to the head-on shot of the woman. They're never in the scene together. And you can really feel that chemistry. Did we skip over when he's sulking in the fire at the note? I don't think so. So he's like, once they realize they got away with the girl, he's sitting around this fire, and both he and the sex druid are just like pouting. And then the sex druid hands him a

piece of paper and it just says, loose or else. Yeah, loose or else. They misspelled it and the monk realizes it and just quickly like, so quickly you almost don't see it, crumples it and throws it in the fire like that's too embarrassing It's it's really funny. I have what he says after that. What am I going to do? Well, what am I going to do? You must win the tournament I can't they have Nicola If you win the tournament you'll break their power!

But what about Nicola? Don't worry, we'll get her back! Don't worry about it! Don't worry about the hostage, man! Okay, I let this one play because it's so fucking amazing! It's so fucking amazing. This feeling inside. What? It's definitely Jimmy, right? What's the touch of her hand? ["Dutch Overhand"]

It feels like they got the soundtrack swapped for a soulful indie coming of age film. And somewhere there's a movie about a guy and a girl who are just growing up in the rough lower class parts of Ireland, but finding a life for themselves. And it's just soundtracked with like just gongs and like Mortal Kombat music. Like, it's just there's no other explanation. Like, how did this happen? We've got to find that. We've got to find that movie. You have to picture what's happening in that scene too, because that's just a long montage of him. Supposedly, he's so upset, right? It's a long montage of Jimmy Bennett, the big square-bodied boy,

wandering lost through the woods, like, swearing and stomping, and then looking up at the sky. And I think they're going for like, oh, the heavens have abandoned me, but it looks like he's just really mad at the birds. Like, he just keeps looking up like, fucking bird, and they'll kick the ground again. And what all the way like, it is fear leading inside. Like what is being communicated? He's just remembering the movie mostly. And a lot of it he wasn't there for. It's just like footage of Boyzone Mikey yelling at his hostage.

And some of it's just like he'll look at a guy and then leave the room. You're like, were you mad about that? Right, you were mad about that, huh? Yeah, yeah, you're always fucking pissed about something, Jimmy. He goes back to ask them what the plan is, but instead of sharing it, they just start up a training montage music video, which is... It's like they created an entire language of filmmaking

just to deliver this perfect joke. Like, I don't know if I've ever laughed harder than when they hatched their scheme to win the fight, and it's like, first of all, ignore the hostage. Second of all, go wander in the woods to this song and I fucking oh I'm so happy I love this movie so much I don't know it's gonna sound mean but this guy's dedicated his entire life to being the next Jean-Claude Van Damme and failed this hard it's like so beautiful that it's sadness like uh like that scene in Princess Bride where where Negan Matoi looks like he's gonna die and Christopher Guest is just mesmerized by the tragedy of his story. Like, I felt that. Like that terrible villainous feeling. I felt it. And here in his eleventh training montage with no change or growth or narrative point, I'm just like, oh, God, this beautiful tragedy that we're witnessing.

I don't know. I know I sound like a villain, but like, I get it. I get it. Six-Fingered Man. All to be the Van Dang of trim. I mean, you put it that way. Oh, the Van Dang of trim. Put that on a fucking poster. We finally get to the Bloodsport Tournament after 15 hours of this, and it's just a barn in the

dark. There are maybe sometimes six people watching. And they're all somebody's family. Like it's... They are, yeah. So they're all elderly aunts and grandparents. They're not dressed like we're here to see a Bloodsport. They've got like fleeces and windbreakers on. Yeah. And they're just... This is like, this is the crowd you would see at like an orchard. They came from apple picking.

You guys want to watch a real karate fight? Then there's a special announcer druid who looks horrible. He's so bad. He looks like a shelved turtle. And he's there to say, there are no rules, like people will die. He delivers that to an audience of six grandmas. And we see them.

Yeah, it's like less than 12 people. And he says it like, fight, like how you would get two guys to fight. He says, there are no rules. It's just, it's incredible. The idea of like, okay, we all love Bloodsport, the great movie about a secret fighting tournament that really happened to a real American hero in a hidden city in Hong Kong. That's awesome. Right. With several quadzillion people. A thousand people watching,

they're taking baths. It's like a huge great time for everyone. Well, we have a monastery, like we have a dungeon that it looks like they're shooting a VHS like Dungeons and Dragons game opening video on or something. Like, and some bales of hay and 12 people. Yeah, they got some hay. So let's- And my grandma's not doing anything, so she's going to hang out. Yeah, they got some hang. So let's- And my grandma's not doing anything, so she's gonna hang out. Yeah. Like, this is, again, like it's like seventh-grader level, like VHS tape.

Like, oh, we could do Bloodsport. Yeah. I mean, we could basically do Bloodsport. Yeah. We've got, yeah, they're- My brother and I made this movie. Yeah. 100%.

Right. There's one specific grandma that they keep cutting back to for reaction shots. The do you know who I'm talking about in the red fleece? Yes. And she looks like she's having such a great time. She's supposed to be giving you bloodthirsty, but she's giving you like cheering on a wiener dog race at the state fair. Like she's just like show of hands.

And kids supposedly killed and she's just like, yeah, you could do it. My grandkids made a movie with boyzone Mike. Boyzone Mike. There are no rules thing. I guess sort of Bloodsport, there are no rules, but there kind of are rules in Bloodsport. Like if you fall off the edge, you're out. In this, there are no rules to the point that you can just sort of grab improvised weapons and just try to kill.

You could just bring in a gun. Fuck yeah. Save the trouble. And also, so many people seem to die. It's like, like a quarter of the town's population is culled at each of these tournaments. Like they can't sustain this. It's insane. You got to trim the trim. There is a stunt, you mentioned that there's a stunt that is botched so bad where the wrestler, the big wrestler guy trips a guy and he lands on his face, like all of his weight up in

the air behind him. I was like, holy shit, cut. No, they like pick him up with his neck injury and fuck with him some more. There's a lady in the tournament, I thought that was cool. There's a Sonya Blade. She didn't wear a sports bra, I also thought that was cool. I'm astonished you took notes on all the colorful characters here, because as near as I can tell, this was the audience. Like, this was just...

This was a bunch of aunts and nephews in thrift store t-shirts. Yeah, most of the guys sort of blend together, also because it's just shot so muddy and dark that it's impossible to tell the difference. I mean, one of them could have been a Jax from Mortal Kombat. He could have had bionic arms, and I couldn't have told. Like, there's no way I would have been able to even see. You wouldn't have known.

It also takes place in about four minutes. Like almost every fight up until the finals, just like, and it's not like an international mix of styles and personalities like Bloodsport. It is just a dirtbag fight club. And if they're supposed to have different styles, you have no idea with the fucking random shapes getting thrown around. There's a moment where a big guy, I think, kills someone and everyone gets quiet because that happens in Bloodsport so they had to do it here.

They did the Ray Jackson punch from Bloodsport. It's at a certain point, like, why copy things? Like a couple of moments you're like, oh, that's an homage. Yeah, I get what you're doing. But then it's like, well, no, you don't have to try to fucking shot for shot recreate Bloodsport. That's weird, especially because 90% of your movie isn't that. I don't know. there's other ways to bash a guy in the head is my point. There's a guy he fights named Fok. I put that in my notes. Bennett versus Fok. I'm like, there's no way. Seagull is

in this tournament. We finally meet that guy. And he's just like a super big guy that just eats a few shots. Like he'll let people kick him straight in the crotch. Like that's the kind of tough he is where he's like, yeah, go ahead. They say he flew in from Hong Kong and then imply it was from another tournament. Like, they're saying this guy came from Bloodsport to this movie. Imagine his immense disappointment,

like being in Bloodsport with like this opulent hotel and a secret city and like life or death on the line and millions of dollars. And even if clearly he was not one of the main characters, he didn't place- He still had a good time. In Bloodsport. Yeah. But he still got to watch all of that drama

and then he flies back home and they're like, well, we got a barn and my grandma and you're gonna fight a guy named Kyle. How heartbreaking would this be for poor Siegel? You gotta take the fights. It's a young sport. Bennett gets fucking wrecked by him. He bites his way out of an arm bar.

A lot of the moves must've sucked in this fight because they kept cutting to the crowd shots whenever they landed. Bennett gets beat so bad he floats into a flashback where he finally realizes, oh, that's the face of the main bad guy that killed my father. That's me in the closet watching my father get murdered.

I knew the whole time what happened. Punches the memory of his father's murder back into him. Incredible. Right. Does the druid cheat and reinvigorate him with druid mouth noises or did I go mad? No, no, he definitely did some sort of a healing cantrip or something. He hits the big guy with a Van Damme hurricane kick

and wins kind of, but like, we don't really get to spend any time in that moment because the two bad guys that are watching, they're like, oh shit, he won the tournament. Let's run outside to get cell reception and then call home and have Boyzone Mike kill our hostage. Because that's not the end of the movie. They still gotta go get Nicolette.

He goes outside and this scene would have ruled if someone had filmed it properly. But what he does is the guy's about to call home and say, hey, kill Nicolette. And he like beats the shit out of both guys while the cell phone's flying in the air and then grabs the cell phone before it lands and says like, we'll be right there, don't kill her.

As if he was the henchman. And I was like, this fucking rules. The monk saw the whole thing too and he's like, yes. He's like nodding in approval, like, yeah, you did it. That was a sweet move. Can we talk about that monk real quick? Cause you have a sound clip here where the monk said, hey, don't worry about the hostage. Right. Me and my fellow monks are going to take care of

this. It turns out they did not. So like Bennett has to win that fight and immediately has to leap out of the ring and chase them down because the monks didn't do a goddamn thing. He has to get out of there before news of him winning gets to them. And he knew that he's like those fucking- I cannot trust those fucking monks. And sure enough he ran outside and the monk is there and he just nods at him and he's like man what was your plan? You said you had this. You didn't even try. What's weird here is they cut to a new guy we haven't seen before getting butt-ass naked to take a filthy outside bath. Right. Why? Don't know. Is it just to let the audience know you hate them? Maybe. Message received. So he drives up. There's no words being said. The guys just watching outside

on the road just start pumping bullets into this car. They're like, fucking, I'm killing that car. Luckily, it is their enemy, Jimmy Bennett, but they didn't know. They had no way of knowing. You can tell because, okay, so they film this whole scene from the bad guy's point of view. So you're standing up on the hill with the bad guys and this tiny red car comes around the corner

and you just hear this barely audible battle cry of, ah! And then they just unload on it. And then the car flips over. It's like, okay, well, that's the end. Like if the credits ran there, that would be such a fitting end for him. And so now if the end is kind of a gunfighting movie, I mean, you know what it looks like when children try to make a gunfighting movie,

but there is one moment that made me laugh out loud again where he sneaks, Bennett sneaks up on a guy looking at him. Like he's facing him, his eyeline is touching him, and he just creeps straight up in front of his face. Sidekicks him in the head. That's when I decided the movie's a prank, where I was like, okay, someone in 1998 has good sense of humor.

It might be a prank on Jimmy Bennett, but someone here knew what was going on. It would be a really funny prank on Jimmy Bennett. It really would be. He throws one guy down a cliff and goes, enjoy the slide. I didn't take a clip. I just want everyone to know that that's the kind of like zinger he had these guys with. My notes have that he shot two guys at once. And I guess I remember that when he had his arms crossed. I love that scene because they knew that that scene looked cool. But like the way they had filmed

this gunfight up to this point is that if that Jimmy Bennett is an expert gunfighter. He will shoot a guy one time, one bullet, one shot, one kill. And then he sees two guys coming at him, he grabs two guns and crosses his arms to shoot at them. And they really wanted it to be dramatic. So they show him shooting and shooting, but it just means that it didn't work because he gets so much worse. He fires like, it takes 45 seconds, he fires like 16 bullets that don't hit them

and eventually hits them and you're like, oh, so that was a bad idea then. It didn't work like you thought. It's adorable how desperately they're trying to be cool and whiffing. Finally gets to the girl, the guy has a gun to her head and he's like, oh shit, I forgot that that's how hostages work, okay, I give up.

And he comes over to like beat up Jimmy while he's at gunpoint. Jimmy just gets up and beats the shit out of him and snaps his neck in two seconds. Then he hugs. Because the way that it's shot is he gets to her and then Mikey Boyzone pulls up in a car and he's just like, it seems like he was late to the scene or something, he just pulls up in his little car and gets out in like a trench coat and it's like, hey, hey, hey, hey. And what's going on? Just like closes the distance and just lets Jimmy just snap his neck and then he's just, oh, he's dead.

Oh, right. Because he wasn't a martial arts guy or anything. Like he's no one in this movie. None of his like antagonists can fight. thing. Like he's no one in this movie, none of his like antagonists can fight. Once again, it must be exactly like Seagull arriving to the basement from from Bloodsport. When Mikey Boyzone like this is the first time he shows up in the movie. Like this is he must show up on set and be like I drove past it because I thought you were a bunch of kids fucking around. Am I'm sorry, am I here? Is this the movie? He gives Nicolette a hug and they just fade out. And then you realize, oh, wait, there's the main bad guy left. But like everyone he knows is dead. Most of the town is dead from blood

sport. And then the rest of his henchmen are dead from the gun fight. So they're hanging out at the picnic. And it is such masterful storytelling. There are twists and I'm so lucky you can enjoy them all in audio form because I took a clip. Close your eyes. Why? I'll go on.

Close your eyes. You killed my son. Now I am going to kill you just as I killed your father. You killed my father. Now I'm going to kill you. You killed my father. Now I'm going to kill you. You killed my father.

Now I'm going to kill you. You killed my father. Now I'm going to kill you. You killed my father. Now I'm going to kill you. You killed my father. Now I'm going to kill you. You killed my father. Now I'm going to kill you. You killed my father. Now I'm going to kill you. You killed your father.

You killed my father. Now I'm going to kill you. Just like I killed your son. And then he does. He does. Like a 75 year old man with a shotgun point blank. On his picnic day. There's no like, oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

But no, you're gonna suffer. You're gonna go to jail. You're gonna pay for your, no. I'm better than you. I'll never stoop to your level. Blinks the sky away. Their fucking lunch is ruined. Their fucking lunch has human skull all over it.

Once again, just like, forgot, I had the notes for the script and forgot to write them. Okay, like, well, now he's got the gun and it's just like a total opposite. He killed my son, I killed your father. And they just say all of this, the script. And now I'm going to kill you and you will kill my son and I will kill my father and we'll all kill each other. We already saw it once. They hug and they fade out. It's not quite done because there is like a zany music video at the end of bad takes. Not like funny bloopers or that kind of thing. Just like little stupid mistakes and botched stunts and flubbed lines. They have a lady falling off a horse in a real dangerous way.

There's one where a guy gets shoved over a little balcony and he eats total shit. And they cut to him and he's like, I'm not fucking doing that again. Like you can see these are just guys helping their friend out for the weekend. They're like, I'm not fucking doing that again. Like you can see like these are just guys like helping their friend out for the weekend. They're like, I'm not fucking gonna break my skull for you, buddy. Yeah, you can tell they're trying to do the best ending of all time, which is freeze frame, right? Throw it to the Jackie Chan outtakes where people get hurt, but everybody's having a great time. Nobody's having a great time. Right.

Yeah, anywhere. We frequently see them going, hey, fuck you and fuck your movie. Just aggressively not. My favorite part is where they like, okay, we're gonna show you how we did the car crash. And he just crashes the car. Yep, there it is. And it was him in the car and all of the like,

the rest of the movie runs up and they go, okay, how hard are you? And he's like, I'm not. And they're like, what? It was, yeah, they didn't like that car crash was not planned. Like they didn't they weren't supposed to crash that car. Or at least not that bad, because everybody was like, OK, you're obviously really hurt. And he's like, no, can you believe it?

And they're all like, oh, my God, I can't believe you lived through that. The point was for you not to live through that. You said this was your make a wish. You said that was that was how you wanted to go out. Oh God, that would explain everything. And with maximum power Say Frankfurt Podcast Correct Yes The power is not without Send it in the dog zone For an hour

Come on, you know the number 1-9-100 1-9-100 Frankfurt 1-9-9-9 1-9-100 Frankfurt 1-9-100 1-9-100 Frankfurt Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder!

Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! Einstein Hunder Frankfurt! doing single battle in immense high tech fighting mechs. We call these warriors, the Supremes.

Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aiden Moat. Alex Nolenberg is right, there's nothing in the rule book that says your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw cock. Alpha Sciences Jabba, Unanti, Armando Nava, Bim Talzer, Brendan Garlok, Brian Salem, Burrito, Serow, Cheddar Wolf is also right, there's still nothing in the rulebook saying you can't have a giant chainsaw cock. Common Sense is right too, there remains nothing in the rulebook against giant chainsaw cocks. Craig Lemoine, I guess that's right, there's, look, it takes time to print new rulebooks,

let's just say no more giant chainsaw cocks from now on. Alright, Quavis was late to the meeting and missed the part about the giant chainsaw cocks, but that's the last one. Dan B. David Schull put a small chainsaw cock on his robot. Fair enough. Dean Castillo. Delta Foxtrot.

Devin the Rogue Supreme. Doug Redmond comes equipped with Rocket Fist. Drayson uses Orange Laser. Dusty's Rat Title uses Green Laser. Eric Rion uses Blue Laser. Alright, is this in protest of the giant chainsaw cock ban? Fancy Shark uses Cockliff, your children, you're all children. Garen.

Jell-O-Ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches fights with a giant chainsaw dog. Okay, we're putting all synonyms in the rulebook now too. Greg Cunningham Haraka Hawk Javer Al Aiden

James Boyd it says right here in the rulebook, your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw wang. Nice trot. Jared Plaque no, it can't be a giant chainsaw shlong Jared mountain man right here playing English band weapons giant chainsaw man sausage Jared ways you cannot have a giant chainsaw hog oh it's an actual hog sorry let it play Jeff Oreski Dean, John McCann, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh S, Joshua Graves, Justin B. Come on man, those are clearly balls. No it doesn't matter if there's no cock, it's the spirit of the thing.

Ken Paisley, K&M Banned, Chainsaw Cock, Lane Hagood Banned, Chainsaw Cock, Lisa, frankly I expected better of you. That's a three day suspension for Chainsaw cock. Lane Hagegood? Banned. Chainsaw cock. Lisa? Frankly, I expected better of you. That's a three day suspension for chainsaw cock. M. Jahi Chapelle, you know what? I'm going to allow it. It's fine if the robot wears concealing underwear. Mark Mahoney? I said concealing underwear. It's hanging right out there. That's a banned. Matt Riley. Max Baroy. Mo's you mercenary sissies men yes it's still banned even if it's uncut Michael Lear Mickey Loman Morton you brought three rotating giant chainsaw cocks why would that be allowed mr. Bob gray no then for obviously wouldn't be cool, would it? Indeed.

Neil Bailey. Neil Schaeffer. Neku104. Nick Lavino brought an old-fashioned mace. Yes! Ornry Weevil, Nick Lavino's tag team partner, brought a bolo. This is what I'm talking, oh, I see what you guys are doing there.

That's hilarious. Hilarious, that's bad. Ozzy Olin. Patrick Herbst is allowed to bring the giant chainsaw cock because this is an exhibition match. It's non-competition play, guys. Rhiannon Sarkovsky. Sean Chase, it's not an exhibition match because you're exhibiting something.

Siege, it's not an exhibition match because God is always watching. Spotty Reception, it's not an exhibition match just because you sold tickets ahead of time. Supernaut, an exhibition match is a formally classified thing. We'll tell you when it's not a normal match, okay? Tater's Tales just got giant chainsaw cockspanned in exhibition matches too, okay? Everyone happy? Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos

Timmy Leahy Toasty God Tommy G. Velo? I don't care if it's detachable. I know what a giant chainsaw cock looks like. Booster? Yes, even if it's on your forehead.

I know you're not a unicorn that's happy to see me. Waylon Russell. Zack and Ava, that entire robot is one enormous chainsaw cock. I can't imagine being more banned. Harvey Penguini fights with a giant chainsaw... vagina? I guess that's allowed. I mean I feel like it's basically your opponent's fault if they take you up on that. I can't imagine anyone would be foolish enough to- Wow, right out the gate. Stuck his face right in there, huh? Alright, Harvey Penguini wins Alaska!