The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 214, CIRCUS OF THE STARS with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: February 12, 2025

Seanbaby & Robert Brockway welcome back special guest, Lydia Bugg to the DOGGZZONE! Remember the 80's? Sure, we all do. The wood paneling, the tape rewinders, Aquanet, pachyderm fetish circuses... ah, the bodacious neon glow of memories from a better time, a hunkier, sexier time where the most Belvidere of misters and the sexiest of elephants called home. Yes, the 80's, renown for it's C-List part time carnies and birth place of all kinks known to men & women, AND ONLY MEN & WOMEN. The 80's... come and sit a spell. Also wiggle when you do it, she seems to like that.

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the TalkZone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com, the glorious last stronghold of internet comedy. We have daily articles from talented, creative, human writers. It's ad free because we're fully funded by you right now. Going to patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. Dial 1900hotdog for fun.

It's not a phone number. I'm Sean Baby from the web. It's not a phone number. I'm Sean baby from the web Here's something fun about me. The oldest celebrity I would sleep with is dr. Jane Goodall my partner in website and podcast was the 2019 backup grand marshal for buns Michigan's macho man March for February festival parade He's handsome and high-flying author Robert Brockway. Oh you put a real one in there. See you do all these funny ones I you've actually been chronicling my real genuine hunk work. I flying author, Robert Brockway! Oh, you put a real one in there. See, you do all these funny ones. I- you've actually been chronicling my real genuine hunk work.

I- I- that's- I'm just flattered. I'm flattered you've been following my career. Uh, here's a Brockway fact. I have a way sexier animal act than Louie Anderson, but nowhere near Anita Morris. I mean, holy shit. I'm glad you brought that up, because I do have some sexual notes on that part. We'll get to it.

I will get to it. You can find our guest every Monday at 1900HotDog. She is the beautiful and high-flying author, Lydia Bug. Hi, thanks for having me. If I could pick one of the things to do, it would also be the one where I just get picked up by an elephant and look sexy. It's the best circus act that will ever be. It's kind of doesn't have that sadness of an animal act.

It's kind of just sort of like, elephant seems like he's having fun. He could crush it to death if he got cranky about it. I like this. This is without a doubt, my favorite out of context, pre-subject banter. Like if you did not know what we're talking about at all, if you didn't even look at the title of this

Podcast you came into this you're like what the fuck is about to happen. I Think they get it somebody's about to fuck an elephant. Yeah, you're right. That's trust those instincts now and forever Lady I mentioned you're a columnist here at our successful and amazing website, but where can people get more of you? Um, I am on blue Sky. You know Lydia, I think is what you have to... The tags on Blue Sky are so long. It's like, you know Lydia.besky.app or something. Yeah. But if you just search for me on there, I bet you can find me. And also TikTok. You know Lydia on TikTok, if the government allows it.

Right. There's that. If we even have a country by the time you're hearing this. Who knows? Speaking of politics, I assembled us here today to discuss a terrible thing that's haunted our country for decades. Probably a leading issue among most voting blocks, we're talking about the CBS Circus of the Stars.

Nothing we're about to say or have ever said has ever shocked me as much as when they said welcome to the 13th annual circus of the stars. I felt this anyway. How did this fade from national consciousness so quickly that like this was made the year I was born and I've never heard of it? It's not that old. It's so weird and yet so broad as if like, like you can, the one we watched was the 13th annual and included all the original commercials and they were just for anybody. Just like here's coffee

and diapers. Just like you're the most normal American that's ever been watching this show. Yeah, that's what I took away from those commercials too. Like I'm glad they were there because normally when you have one of these artifacts and they leave the commercials in, it's like it kind of makes my day a little bit. Like, yes, I would love to see all of these commercials. And then this reminds me that, no, they were not always good, that there was just just an absolute blandness of blanket America. And then looking at that going, holy shit, your Democrat, your demographic was was legitimately just

every single American. How? It was so manufactured and competent. It was like these ad agencies had so much talent and wealth designed to just make the most aggressively normal deodorant commercial. Just like, hi, I'm a totally normal dude talking to a normal dude by two very talented actors you might recognize from feature films. And it's like, wow, this must have cost a million dollars to sell me fucking secret for her. Well, maybe it would have been better if it wasn't for St. Paul, Minnesota, you know? Like we got all the most boring Midwestern commercials. Again, this is for like, the heart of America was into this.

And that nothing has been as surprising as that. I just, we need to back up a tiny bit and explain that Circus of the Stars is exactly what it sounds like. I'm done with my explanation. I did some, just a little bit of research, just for context. Started in 1977. It was adapted from a French show called La Galette de Lyon. And it was originally designed

as a circus of the stars to raise money for out of work actors, like as almost a charity event. I'd say that spirit of charity did not translate to the American version. When an American actor is out of work, we say, fuck you, race vanilla ice. And a girl who did hand stuff with Brett Michaels in an obstacle course, break up with my girlfriend on Cameo, you fuck, you worm. USA! This isn't that brutal, I guess. They found stars that were still on TV, but didn't have that star quality of like, Oh wow, you got fucking George Clooney.

No, it's just like, you know them from their supporting role in a sitcom you haven't watched in eight years. Let's gamble on whether or not they're going to stay on TV with the horrible facial injury they're about to sustain. I translated it to Modern America for the young people, I feel like. I was like, who would you get today? It would be like, makeup influencer Micaela Nogueira fights a tiger. Patton Oswalt on the tightrope. Jason Kelsey sews Kelly Ripa in half. Like, oh, Jason Raz pulls a rabbit out of a fedora.

That was my favorite. I'm sorry, are we dissing the star talent? Here, Mr. Belvedere is in this. Yeah, no, Mr. Belvedere was huge. That was a get. I think we have time to kind of go through every act and at least talk about them. So we don't want to get too far ahead, but yes.

Yeah, because there's one act that when you say it, people are going to be like, oh my god. Yeah, I know why you picked this year. Here's the thing. I have no idea what you're talking about. It could be there's one of them, sure, that stands out, but you could say any of these things and people would be like, no, that didn't happen. It's that one, Brockway. It's that one. Sure that stands out, but you could say any of these things and people would be like no that didn't happen It's not what rock way. It's that one That one wasn't that bad tell you what I'll I

Took a two-minute clip of the intro because that's how long it took to introduce all the stars It is a to our broadcast and we'll just see the staying power of these 1988 celebrities power of these 1988 celebrities. Flying Tonight co-star of Out of This World, Steve Burton. Comedian and TV host of Relatively Speaking, John Beiner. From the Young and the Restless, handsome leading man, Don Diamant. The energetic young actor from Nots Landing, Brian Green. The bright and beautiful co-star of Head of the Class, Christine Haj. The entertaining co-host of Entertainment Tonight, Mary Hart. This is such a long intro. It felt like there were a hundred.

The amusing Christopher Hewitt. It feels like a huge deal bet. I do feel bad. It just needs a little shove to get to jokes. That dancing fool and very funny gentleman, Harvey Corman. No, it gets the pretty young co-star of the Tenavis, Heather Langenkamp. About 30 names from now

I'm in the comedy series do it'll have you Lawrence Hysterical beautiful stage actors starring in the new film baby love Anita Morris With the same delightful humor he brings to new heart Tom Poston Series Dallas the mega beauty Deborah Renard Former Olympic winner now musical stage star Cathy Rigby McCoy. The beautiful English actress who now co-stars on Dynasty, Emma Pham. Sports grade and the star of TV's First and Ten, O.J. Simpson. Uh oh.

A familiar face to Dynasty viewers. Oh, that's the one. Gordon Thompson. That might be the one. From guiding light to circus lights Christa Tesoro The multi-talented singer-actress Dallas co-star Deborah Trenelli one of the brightest stars of night court, Marta Warfield And making their spectacular big top entrance your ring masters, Ms. P Arthur and Mr. Martin Moll

They saved the best for last Somehow funnier than OJ Simpson. This was the 1988 episode, like I said, it's this week, a year after the show's first big disaster when Juliette Prowse, Lydia, you might know her, cause she was an Elvis lady. After her Elvis movie, she spent 20 years struggling to get on TV for any reason. And then she got mauled twice by a leopard during Circus

of the Stars rehearsals. Oh my god. Yeah, it's the kind of career decline Corey Feldman could only dream of. Let's see. A leopard also attacked Dynasty's Linda Evans six years earlier. But it wasn't as severe.

But she did walk off the show. And the only other injury, believe it or not, was Mark Paul Gosselaar, Zach from Saved by the Bell. He didn't get attacked by a leopard, he just got injured a couple of years later during rehearsals. So the show only maimed three stars, which is honestly like such a lower number than I was expecting.

This wasn't the last one. I just, I was so, I didn't even look it up. I was so certain like, well, it was- 19 of these and a Wild West spinoff. No, oh, I want to see that so bad. Oh, we're watching the Wild West spinoff starring Pee-wee Herman in a Wild West Dutch show. Yeah, no, it's the fucking best.

Cause like this is, I'm the exact demographic for this. Like I love a campy little show. And so I did love this. And I would love to watch more of it. I'm glad. I was really happy you liked it. And that you never heard of it. How have we gone so far backwards as a country? Yes.

That now, like, our big staple is dancing with the stars? It used to be fighting lions with the stars. Yeah. Like, what have we lost? It used to be a fucking real country. Yeah. It used to be losing a fight to a leopard with the stars. Yeah, when do you, on Dancing with the Stars, do you get to see a tiger put a man's whole head in its mouth? And you think, oh god, what's about to happen?

No. This is the kind of unstoppable show business vehicle that could not be derailed by three celebrity leopard maulings. This is what they mean when they say make America great again. Yeah, I'd be on board if this was it. Yeah, if it was this, I would do it. I would be wearing that fucking red hat. The Republican platform was Circus of the Stars.

Bring back Circus of the Stars. But no more lockerer Up chants. They're all chanting. Mr. Belvedere. Look, if we want to feed minor celebrities to leopards, it's it's fine, I think. I really like that future. Let's talk about the acts. The first one is a spinning spiderweb thing with Olympic medalist Kathy Rigby McCoy. I looked this up. She is very

celebrated Broadway actress, future Tony nominee for Peter Pan. They call her an Olympic medalist. She won a silver for the balance beam in the 1970 World Games. Close enough, but it is sort of like saying someone's an Oscar winner when they only have a Golden Globe. Anyway, it also seems like cheating because they took a professional gymnast and they let her do gymnastics. I don't know what the sweet spot is for this show. Like, I don't want to watch Magnum PI fuck up a handstand, but watching a person famous for handstands doing a handstand isn't a circus of the stars in the quotes. This is just kind of a circus. It was spider themed. I mean, give them that. Like, the Martin Maul introduced this by saying,

Spitting on a silvery web high above ring number two, our next star becomes the lovely spider goddess. Like, that's a fucking sentence to start a show. Yeah, that's fantastic. Wait, who's gonna become a spider goddess? Like, first thing? Yeah, this set the bar way too high for most of of the rest of the show though, I felt like. Like, oh damn, these stars are amazing. Yeah, and she, and she also, they specified she did this one without a safety belt or a net.

And like, I thought that's, I thought that's the energy we were bringing for the rest of the show. Like, oh, they're all, but she like, you give her credit at least, she was legitimately like two, three stories above and like there's a mat down there. Again, you could you could be paralyzed from this. I think the drama here for me was she seemed so confident that I'm like, she'll be fine.

But like, there was this these round braces where she put her arms in like sort of like training wheels for the for the spider rig. So it was an assisted handstand and this torture contraption that honestly to me looked like if something went wrong, it would snap her forearms in half rather than have her like gently fall on a guide wire. That was not safe. That was not safer. If that was a safety device, that was the opposite. It was doing the opposite of its job. Yeah. It was making me really nervous. But it was also like not very spectacular. And yet you could tell it was fucking impossible. It looked like a carny game where you're like that you're trying to make it look easy, but that that shit looks impossible. Like, I think if I was on there, I would just like cling to it

and wonder how the fuck I'm supposed to jump down without it killing me with the backspin. Like right. I'm stuck here forever. And so she was. Yes, yes. But she's a very flexible gymnast. So she was kind of delicately balancing the stupid spiderweb. I'm just saying like, a lot of effort for kind of a stupid show. Her training. The part I liked, though, is when her trainers came out. And it was like, circus trainers. So it was like a little forest pixie lady and a big cave troll guy in tuxedos. Like just absolute Danish folklore creatures emerged from

the shadows. Like I wouldn't fucking notice. Nonsense. You've hit on the entire vibe of the show where it's like, they stress in the intro, these celebrities have undergone months of training to pull off these, these feats. Here's the thing. It takes more than that to do an impressive circus show. It takes a lot more than that. So like, you have all of these people who are doing objectively, I can't do it, like they're very, they look like very difficult things, but they look like

the early stages of learning how to do very difficult things. So it makes for an inadequate circus. And so you've just invited a ton of people to watch like two hours of inadequate circus based on the star power of Kathy Rigby McCoy the lovely spider goddess and like she was a lovely spider goddess i'm glad i got to see that but i don't know man like i feel like from the premise stage this is flawed like i can see why why some lunatic completely high on 1980s cocaine, would be like, Yes, Circus of the Stars, but then you tell me it ran for 19 seasons? Like, inadequate circus, full of B-list celebrities? 19?! I mean, it very much runs on the same premise as Dancing with the Stars, which is like, you can throw skinny people in the air real high and catch them

if you are a professional at something, you know? Like, if they're just tiny, that's it. That's all they have to do is be tiny and circus people will come throw them around and we'll be like, oh, wow, talent. If you're under 140 pounds, I will pick you up and throw you. Liddy's right.

I make it look easy. Yeah. A slight rephrase would have made this so much better. Like juggling of the stars and it's just large men juggling small stars. We should pitch that. Like we need to cut this out and take that to a network. of like juggling of the stars and it's just large men juggling small stars. We should pitch that. We need to cut this out and take that to a network. 20 years and a spin-off starring Pee-wee Herman. Absolutely. Okay, next up is actor Mr. Daryl Bell as an acrobat. I think it's pretty clear

Bea Arthur fucked Mr. Daryl Bell during the filming of this show. I have a clip here. Everyone loves the circus acrobats. They excite us and entertain us with their turning, twisting, and tumbling. From the time they make their entrance to the time they take their bows. Tonight, after months of rotating their acting careers with their circus rehearsals, our acrobats perform some unbelievable gyrations on and off the teeter board. And here they come now, the talented actor

who co-stars as the very funny Ron Johnson on A Different World, Mr. Darryl Bell. Gyrations off the board is suspect. Yeah, gyrations off the board. That's a little wink. Cause he didn't do any gyrations off the board. Nope. I love the line delivered to the very funny.

Like, just fucking top notch. Just I love Bea Arthur. Just hate fucking this teleprompter. Mr. Daryl Bell comes out with a nine-year-old Brian Austin Green. Oh my god, he's so tiny. He looks like a stick heart, like a stick figure, literally. Well, at the time he was called the energetic actor, Brian Green from Nots Landing.

And they do some light tumbling. They do like a little, who else is this? Heather Langen. I didn't know. Heather Langenkamp, she's from Nightmare on Elm Street. She's one of the very first female girls. Huge, huge horror star. Astounding that they put her in this.

They come out, they do a very carefully synchronized ta-da just to like set the tone of the show. It's like, we're gonna watch some assholes do some real amateur tumbling. So this does, it looks like three dorks got a group on to do cardio tumbling. They get launched by acrobats into like this stupid seesaw thing

and very extremely assisted tricks. I'd say this is, when I say the previous act was like too professional, I say this is way too far in the opposite direction. I don't want to see stars learn how to do circus. Like come at me in a few weeks when you figure out how to shoot Brian Austin Green into the air like without professionals in the room, right? There is an actual spot in this where Brian Austin Green screws up like his stunt. And he's, it's such a strange stunt because he goes on this little seesaw and then a huge man jumps down and catapults TV's Brian Austin Green, nine-year-old Brian Austin Green, straight in the fucking air like 30 feet.

And he's holding a hoop the whole time, you're like, oh shit, okay, it's the only trick with this hoop. And you're like, what's he gonna do with that hoop? Turns out the answer is nothing. Why did it, why? He could have been holding anything. Why did they make it a hoop?

Or nothing. Like, it's not better that he's holding a hoop. First of all, the routine goes on for about seven hours too long. When they launch him up the first time, he fucks it up and they have to reset and do it again. Again, I forgive that. He's a nine-year-old who's got a busy shooting schedule on, not Slanding.

When they give him the hula hoop, I was like, all right, somebody's going to throw that hula hoop. I think maybe that's for a beginner flipper to stay symmetrical because he gets up there and he either bails on the stunt or he just throws it away. I have another theory. I think it was the Cyberdyne plot to make sure he could ever play Derek Reese on Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles. Go back in time to kill him when he's a nine-year-old in the leotard trying to flip onto a man with

a pointless hula hoop. Like, that's how you kill a man. I'm just saying, like, don't, in this context, do not show me the hoop if you're not going to fire TV's Daryl Bell through that hoop. I don't want to see it. Yep, I don't want the hula hoop blue balls. This act felt the most egregious to me. I think at this point I wrote, does the Actors Union know that they're doing this to the children? Because I don't know if we should be allowed to throw children that high in the air.

I love that this is the first one where they start including the Jackie Chan outtakes of them getting hurt while trying to learn this and it's like I said like it's it's physical I can't do this I couldn't do any of this so yeah it's impressive that you learned how to do this it doesn't look great it doesn't look astonishing and the audience doesn't like at no point is the audience like fuck yeah yeah, I love this. The audience is just like, I don't know why I'm here. I got lost in Las Vegas. I wound up in Reno, which is where this must be happening. Honestly, I think you could do this, Brock.

Honestly, a lot of the tricks that dead body could do, a lot of them, they stand on a seesaw and then a professional just launches them onto a mat and they just eat some shit. But it's a mat so they can. But I thought they were pretty bad. But then when they cut to the training, I'm like, oh, wow, it turns out you can be worse at this. Yeah, they got they got hurt like legitimately hard in training, because like when you were I mean, you have a net or you have safety

devices or mats or whatever, it still hurts if like you fuck it up. And especially for like 1980s, it's like sometimes they show the net and you're like, is that made out of steel? Yeah. Yeah, it's just an old rope. We keep goats in it. Fuckin deal with that, Heather Langenkamp. Next up is the young handsome star of Young and the Restless, Don Diamant. He comes out, he's like a sneering hunk. He could play anything from a husband who cheats on his wife or a husband who kills

his wife. This smug fuck, I hate him. I'm just reading what it says in my notes. Instant soap opera hunky bad guy. Like, you never had to, they didn't have to say he's from the young and the restless. You know that. Well, whenever they specifically mention that someone is beautiful or handsome, I feel like that's queuing you up to let you know, like, it's not gonna be a good one, guys. Yep. I think they're saying, what they're really saying is the stakes in this are, their looks could be ruined. Like, stay tuned, because the tiger could eat most of his face, and this will be the last time he's beautiful.

Oh, see, I thought they were saying like, you know, we can't get the hot people to do the hard stuff. So this guy's just gonna wave a wand at a lion for a while. All right, he does get mauled by lions. Yeah, sorry, he did get his head almost bit off. Sorry. Multiple times. Multiple lion maulings on this guy almost bit off, sorry. Multiple times. Multiple lion maulings on this guy.

So like, I don't know, I'd take the Brian Austin Green, stand on a seesaw and let a big man fire you in the air, and then three other big men catch you. Like I would pay for that experience, just personally. Whereas I- That's a great would you rather. Would you rather be lodged into the air by a giant man or get your head bitten by a lion? Oh and have multiple other strongmen catch you and tell you that everything's gonna be okay? Oh no. Oh no, I'll say no to that. No, I don't want to fight the fucking tiger with a stick. He comes out, he has a stick! He's gotta hold a hula hoop though, does that change anything? Gotta pointlessly hold a hula hoop.

Pointlessly is, that sucks. Like I would demand that a hunk be fired through that. I hated this act. It's uncomfortable. I was rooting for the tigers and lions 10 times harder than I ever rooted for a NASCAR crash. I never understood this kind of animal act cause he's just kind of chasing these beautiful animals

around like a dick and then they sit and they like suffer the humiliation. I'm like, you're a fucking mighty lion. Kill that little guy. They do try and they seem really grouchy about it. Yeah, they hate it. See, I've never seen like I've never been to this kind of circus. Like it just didn't really exist by the time I was a kid where I was a kid. Like the state fair stuff comes by and you'd have maybe like one example. You'd have like maybe a trapeze act or something at the fair and that would be it

I never realized like in my head. It's just a guy cracking whip like away from the lions And he's got a little chair to keep them back here. He's actually beating them with the sticks He's like poking them in the face and shit like that Yeah, this fucking sucks and they don't do anything like great They just yeah, they just sit down or run through a hoop and And then it's like, wow, he really fucked up that lion. Good job. Yeah, cause it's not impressive. It's like, this is a lion.

They can do shit. Like they can jump a long way. So hopping through a little hoop is nothing to the lion, but you can like sense the history of abuse behind it, right? Like, oh, that must've taken so many stick hits to get that lion to fucking figure out that's what they wanted it to do. And then they show you the Jackie Chan outtakes of the lions just kind of mauling him casually,

like, don't hit me with the stick, Don Diamant. Yeah. You won't be beautiful anymore. Yeah, just a bunch of clips of tigers not listening to him and kicking his ass. I liked the outtakes of this. The Jackie Chan outtakes of that were like- They make it better. Made me happy.

I think you probably shouldn't have even shown the show just like if this if this came on and they're like don diamant will not be doing the tiger act today because of this and then show me the documentary of him just trying and hitting with sticks and getting involved like yeah it makes sense don diamant has now seen the inside of a tiger's throat so he got a little bit of what he deserved at least i got the idea that there wasn't a ton of practice involved anyway like anybody could do this right this second if they had little enough to live for and the right kind of like personality disorder. I mean all the animal acts, it's just a trained animal and then the guy that trained the animal comes in and says, all right, you make this hand motion, never make this one.

That's how I lost wife number two, seven and eleven. And Don Diamant made that one a couple times. All right, I have a clip of when they throw a commercial, which I think you'll like, it's fun. Next, Gordon Thompson all tied up, and OJ Simpson does some tying. How did they know? Just hits different post-murder, I think.

Yeah, I like forgot that he was even, I didn't know really how famous he was pre-murder, because to me it's always been like, famous murderer, O.J. Simpson. So this was really interesting to see. It's weird that they introduced him that way in this act, because I think this was a few years before the murder. So how did they just sense it?

Famous for murder, burglary, and kidnapping. It's O.J. Simpson. I will live up to that someday. This commercial break I wrote down how there was a commercial with like a big Hollywood star, one of those guys that you've seen in a lot of movies that can't remember his name. And it was about how you can't trust that you don't stink

just because you're not wet. I thought that was really funny. There was a Maxi Pad commercial, which was this innovation in menstrual belts at the time, where you would have like a Max maxi pad with wings out the side to wrap around your underpants. I thought, God, what a time to be alive there. Innovations!

Yeah, those things I've seen in museums and I'm always like, you know, I actually am really glad that I was born in this era. I thought they had that shit in the 50s. I was shocked. 1988 is when we came up with the wings. The wings, yeah. Like before that, I guess like just women had to throw out their underpants every 28 days. Just pray. You and, just you and prayers. And the underwear.

No, definitely don't do any lion taming acts if you don't have the wings on. Like it. Right. Okay. The next one is a thrill act that will leave you restless. It's some handsome guy from some handsome show. I don't even know. It is a fucking stupid shit. It is that flash flood set at the Universal Studios Tour Ride. And they'd like knock over a mannequin in a kitchen chair with it. Like, oh, look at how much water hit that mannequin. Like you're like, yeah, knocked over a mannequin. And then this guy is like, you're not going to believe this.

Our guy is going to do it with his own body. Like the stakes have never been lower. And not only is it like they tie him to a chair, like, oh, what an escape act. He's faking the whole thing. He's like, oh, I can't get out of these bonds. And also it's cut post-event. So it's like, oh, is the water close?

You don't know, you can't fucking tell. Yeah, it seemed like that it was way than the water took to reach in the practice, so... Yeah. They also show, like, they... Maybe it's because camera technology and TV technology were so bad that they were like, you'll never be able to see it, but they very plainly show that they don't tie him down. Like, there's just... He has his hands all extended and his arms lifted up, and then he just lowers them and the ropes go loose and he's like, oh no, how will I, like, motherfucker, the bar is not high for this show, and you can't even clear that. You're like the

third act. You gotta step it up. I think we could legally sue over them calling this like a thrill act. There's no thrill. Yeah. Gordon fucking Thompson. History was right to forget you, whoever you were. It's like this man could get a little wet if he doesn't hurry. Like, don't worry, folks, he won't. And what a below average. He's in a full spandex suit. He's got a real below average stick basket. Why did he have to wear that? Like, why? That's the weirdest part. If he's listening, I want you to know we know about your tiny dong and you deserve it. There was no reason for him to wear that little outfit at all.

He was just escaping ropes. He could have been in jeans and a t-shirt and they made him wear the tiniest spandex thing I've ever seen. Yeah, he looks like an asshole. He looks like a character named Gordon Thompson from like a crappy American adaptation of Robo-Tech. Yep. He looks like the default creative wrestler in a game about loose street racing, just spitballing.

That's not in my notes. I'll write something later. I'm just going to play the intro for the next deck. You're going to love it. A few years back, our next truly super sports star scrambled down a football field to run more yardage in a single season than any other player. I'd say he was blessed with magical feet. Well, on our circus, he's going to display his magical hands and go for yardage of a different sort. Here's the man whose smile is more dazzling than

all his golden awards. Sportsman, actor, all-around wonderful Mr. OJ Simpson. All-around wonderful. Again, it's weird that you cut and future double murderer from that. Because she said that. All-around wonderful? I think she might have fucked OJ Simpson too. Well, no, she's still alive.

She lived through this. That's true. It's a good point. I was gonna say that I think this was a very good magic act. I did too. He has football related patter. He's like, imagine this cane was a Frigida Perry and he's coming to tackle me.

I go up to him and I'm this hanky. And then he like shimmies the hanky through the cane, like boom, pass right through him. Like this is how OJ gets close enough to stab you. That charm, that dexterity, that speed. I'll see, I wrote down that this sucks shit and he's terrible. We're having a lot of disagreements, that's okay. He couldn't do any of it, like he had their just really first grade magic tricks.

It's like the cane that collapses into a handkerchief shit. Like you just, you bought this at a magic store, you don't need to learn to do anything. The one thing he actually had to do was just to set up a trick, he had to tie some handkerchiefs together and he kept fucking it up and he kept blaming his broken hands He's kept saying I thought that was very funny that he was kept saying like all my broken hands have taken like I can't They've stepped they said at one point dick black has stepped on my hands too much I said at one point Dick Butkus stepped on my hands too much. Really? I didn't know this.

I didn't know that was part of football. I just, the toughest part of this act is getting these beat up fingers to work. There's no way that just for example, I could hold the knife to stab my wife 12 times, let alone her new boyfriend a whopping 25 times. With these hands, it couldn't happen. If I was Johnny Cochran, I would have used that in my defense. Like, look, look at him.

You can't even imagine. You can't even tie the knots. You think he can stab that many times? No, Dick Butkus ruined his hands. Later in the act though, he does summon a live bird and he throws it in the sky where it turns into a napkin. But right before he does that, he's like, Hey kids, you want to see it fly? And then he's like, fuck you, it's fucking hanky now.

Your bird's dead. Yeah, you're supposed to do that in reverse. It's pretty dark if you do it that way. It's so funny. I've banished the bird back. I feel like this was a world champion amateur magic act. Like, whether you agree or not, Brockway, this was so much better than I expected

from an OJ Simpson magic act. I expected from an O.J. Simpson magic act. I expected... I've seen him get away with shit. Like, this should have been better. That's true. He's an escape artist. Yeah. This is clumsy work.

From what I have seen was world class. I'm not saying I approve, but world class. Early in his career. It's weird that Sean and I were charmed by the murderer and Brock Boy wasn't. I feel like that's not usually the pattern. I hope that doesn't foreshadow something. My bar is really high. You need to be an absolutely dazzling murderer to get me.

I wrote down there's a diaper commercial in the next commercial set, but special ones for different genders because boys pee up front and girls pee in the middle. I feel like this technology stagnated because I bought diapers. There's just the one kind now, probably because of fucking woke. My daughters have to pee on dog pads because of fucking woke. Leave that in the show, Jamie. See, I don't have kids so I can't comment on the, I can't do a type 5 on modern diaper technology like you you I just like the maxi pads I was like this do we just figure this out in 1988 that the different genders pee from

different places this feels like it feels late if I'm being completely honest I don't think the positioning is so different on where you want a pad in a diaper which is kind of just like everywhere yeah like 90 percent of time it's coming out. Yeah, like 90% of the time it's coming out anyway. It's like coming out of the sides of the body. It has an absorption to it and then a capacity. And if the baby has peed in it too many times, you get diaper leakage. It's not like, oh, we tried giving them winks. The baby peed on this part of the diaper and then that's it.

It's going to come squirting out. Something, something non-binary diaper. Anyone who's ever held a towel knows that's not really how it works. In 1988, gender roles were so important that they used it to just like, cause you don't wanna be the bad parent who's like, I don't wanna get the wrong gender diapers.

Look at fucking Huggies only has the one type. They must have shitty diapers. Like that's all it took to like, to hijack an American mind in 1988. It's much more complicated now. You have to tell them, I'm gonna lower the cost of eggs. Something crazy. This podcast runs in two weeks. Are you sure you want to be publicly pro-age at their... like this is dangerous territory in this political climate. We're gonna get those diapers back. Those diapers are on their way back in. Yeah, you're looking at the diapers back those diapers are on their way back in

Yeah, you're looking at the future buddy. We're regressing right to it I think I think it's far safer for us as a podcast to get to the woman fucking the elephant Let's do it Anita Morris is next. This was a great act. The elephant seems like it's kind of having fun It's picking Anita Morris up carrying around. That's the only thing that happens in the act. Nothing else happens, right? Oh, she lays down and he kind of lays on top of her like, oh, maybe I'm gonna crush her to death. Ha! No, I won't. I won't do it. Hehehe. Hahaha!

He puts her in his mouth a few times and spins around like that's... I don't know, I just, I found it weird that the strongest sexual chemistry on this show was between Anita Morris and an elephant. Yeah, it was fantastic. It felt weirdly erotic watching this woman just get manhandled and groped by an elephant. Yeah, it was fantastic. It felt weirdly erotic watching this woman just get manhandled and groped by an elephant to zonko clown music. I didn't realize I was into that. Yeah, when I gently laid down on her

and all we can see is her sparkly boobs and screaming face while the rest of her is just getting sex crushed by an elephant in neon nail polish. Yeah. This show absolutely created at least 200 new elephant perverts, including me right now. I'm just telling you what it says in my notes.

202, man. You got him. That's it for that act, right? That's it for the show. She almost fucked an elephant. I have an interesting fact about that act, which is kind of a bummer, but it's cool too. I didn't know who she was, so I Googled her and it says on her Wikipedia that she was diagnosed with cancer, ovarian cancer in 1980. They said she only had five years to live. This is 1988 and she lived for 14

years. She had had ovarian cancer at this point for like eight years and she's out here just being hot and having sexual chemistry with an elephant. What a queen. So inspiring that you should have been in the grave three years ago and instead you're out here inspiring new fetishes. Yeah. Decades after you passed. Yes.

That's beautiful. It is beautiful. I thought that was crazy. Had to share. It's a beautiful story. And one we can all relate to. Timeless. A classic. Next is Harvey Corman and Mary Hart. I'm just going to play a clip. It's really good. This, it starts to get weird and it keeps getting weird.

It will never stop getting weirder. I just want you to enjoy it. Ladies and gentlemen, that marvelous comedian, Mr. Harvey Corman. And she is the glamorous star of entertainment tonight, Miss Mary Hart. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Oh, wow. Magic dust, gold dust, the circus. My cup runneth over it meeting you. I am so glad to be here at the circus with you, Harvey. I've wanted to do this for ages and ages and ages. Me too. I wanted to meet you for ages and ages and ages. Me too.

I wanted to meet you for ages and ages. Can we go out? Can we be a couple? Can we be an item? Let's go out. We'll sing. We'll dance tonight. Dance? Dance? Did you say dance? I love to dance. Do you really? Of course.

What kind of dancing do you like? Get this. No, honey. How about something a little faster? A little faster? Yeah. Like what, for instance? Well, up tempo.

Something that's really happening and now. Well, up tempo, something that's really happening. And now... Well, how about the monkey? No, no. It's the monkey, all right. Something else? A real monkey? I don't know. Give me a clue, a hint. What do you want? How about something that, well, the twist? The twist! The twist.

You mean the twist is back in? Harvey, I knew you could do it. Can I do that? That's too good. Well, maybe... Hey, talking about twisting and talking about the next, This back in Harvey. I knew you could do it Talking about twisting and talking about the next I have a little surprise team We just come over here and separate to my apartment what anything for you, Mr. Corman Yes, we will do the twist my dear just step in there and I'll show you a twist What? the fuck This is the opposite of the sexual chemistry that Anita Morris had with the elephant.

Like, it's so jarring to put these two together. Like, I was in a place and you're like, no. Shut it down. Watch Harvey Korman and Mary Hart fucking visibly hate each other on stage. Oh, I just think when she opened up, she did say, I am so excited to see you, Harvey. Yes. Wow. At the end of that clip, you can hear it. He accidentally says, apartment, step into my apartment, when he's really got like a

little, he's got a little magic booth that she's supposed to step into. And what he meant to say was, come apartment. But like, she doesn't correct him right away. But then like, as he's putting her in there, she stops everything to go, wait a minute, earlier, did you say apartment? You asshole. But then like as he's putting her in there, she stops everything to go. Wait a minute earlier. Did you say apartment? You asshole. And then he has to stop and be like, well, it's a part.

It's a compartment. She's like, yeah, compartment. And then they finished setting up the trick. It like derails the whole thing just to let you know. It's we fucking hate each other. One of the worst anythings that could ever exist. It's one of those head spin around in a box tricks that you just buy if you got 800 bucks.

Sucks really hard. She gets all twisted up. He's like, you look like a challah. And you're like, God damn it, just burn it down. Louie Anderson comes out with a little dog and his act is that he's bad at it and it's cute. The dog kicks his ass. Very strange. You can see the dog like looking off to the side of the trainer the whole time. Like, Louis Anderson did nothing but show up for this act. I was, I fucked up a little bit here.

I have in my notes, Sean Will, of course, have Martin Mull's insane rambling intro clipped. You don't need to write this down. No, I took it out. I thought it was like rambling intro clipped, you don't need to write this down. No, I took it out. I thought it was like mean-spirited, but it was like this 40-second fat joke. It was like... It was so hard to get. It was so insane. He said he's like something about animal crackers, crackers, you know, who likes crackers, maybe too much crackers. It's Louis Anderson. It's something else about crackers. Here's animals. You're like, what the fuck just happened to your brain, Martin Moll?

It was like him having a stroke while making a fat joke, and it just ended up him just rambling about animal crackers. Yeah, I didn't I didn't clip it. I have in my notes, Brockway's going to think I'm going to clip this, but I'm not going to I'm going to trick him. That's a double cross. Yeah, his sucks like Louie Anderson, at least he usually has some kind of energy about him, but he's so he does not want to be doing this does not have that sexual chemistry with the dog

I don't know why I'm looking for that in every one now. He's like one of the only people with staying power You know that was on this one of the only non-murderers. Sorry with staying power and He has like the worst act in the show. I love that that Martin Bull takes him out with a bow wow of a performance and then there's just a moment of silent sadness like, yeah, we all deserve that. Let's let's move on. Yeah, yeah, you fucked that up. I took another note about the commercials here because there was a commercial that was just there for the purposes of education. It was about John

Adams and his heroic defense of a slave ship uprising. It was like pro civil rights and just educational for the sake of it. And I was like, it's such a view into a truly different America. Like the idea of this coming on TV right now would, it would feel like so jarring. Like, oh, is this like an anti-Trump ad?

What is this? Okay, so next we get three actors. It's the second girlfriend on Perfect Strangers, Steve Burton, who would go on to do, according to IMDB, 2,579 episodes of General Hospital, and Deborah Trinelli from Dallas. That's as of recording the podcast. It's probably seven more to 14 more by the time it airs.

So these were people with fucking intense shooting schedules, right? Like if you filmed Circus of the Stars today, you'd have a media call list of 25,000 people on it who could squeeze in 12 months of training, right? There's just a lot of struggling actors today. They picked people with like running shows that are with, I don't know, that's my point. And so they're not very good. This is kind of exactly what I think most people would picture when they think of Circus of the Stars. Are people too busy for this? Not being very good at it and not quite famous enough for it to be interesting. That being said, Balky Bartokomis' girlfriend is crazy on the trapeze.

Just like a secret acrobat the whole time. She hit a double flip on the trapeze, which is not something you learn in a weekend. They literally said like, that's never happened at a circus before, I feel like. I'm like, oh my God. Circus of the stars. Okay, I thought they said- They're a real circus. They've hit quadruples.

Okay. Never mind. I thought there was something they said has never been done even at a circus before, but I think that's later in the show. Never mind. And it's stupid. That's later in the show. Yeah.

I have stuff to say about that. Okay, sorry. My bad. We're going to get into that. No, this was impressive, but again, in that way where you're like, I don't know enough about trapeze, so that they had to have, like, B. Arthur just offscreen going, and this one is very hard, this is called like a double catcher routine, and you won't know this, but like, this is really hard, so look closely,

and then they do what looks like the same shit again And you're like, okay was that the hard thing or is that coming up? She's like Okay. Yes, that is that has never been done before on this episode of this show I do sort of appreciate when when you're watching something like as an ish as amateur trapeze to have someone there to tell you what's hard Like this part this part is more difficult. It looks easy or stupid, but I assure you, I assure you what they're doing is hard. I don't think the exposition adds much for me. It's just, there's like the implied stakes here

are that these are very busy people who are risking putting themselves out of work for this. So like, you should appreciate it, even though it may not look like much. And then they do show the outtakes and they look awful. Like they have rope with steel net that they fall like three stories and land, Deborah lands straight on her fucking neck. Like I was like, oh my god, that can't be one of them because that person is paralyzed. And no, she's like, yeah, I'm fine.

She's four inches shorter now, but she's fine. They lost a lot of face skin in the net, you're right. Steve Burton eats shit face first into, like, his catcher's knees three times. You're like, he needs that face. It's all he has. Ha ha ha ha. But Balke Bartokamas' girlfriend was like, just barely missing crazy two catcher flips or whatever the hell they call them, and self-correcting midair like a flying squirrel, just gliding into that safety net like it's nothing. Like I hope she

went on to do this. She didn't do a lot of acting after this. I looked her up. She was a private investigator and a dancer before she became an actress. So she might've just been accumulating skills like Batman. She's somewhere getting revenge on crime today. Yeah, this is a very specific set of skills. Yeah. She's living out taken somewhere. This is real life Harley Quinn. Deborah does a shoot across from the Russian swing and Bea Arthur's like, dude, this shit's crazy. You wait till you see this and then she just jumps off of a swing.

That's what I mean. Like any eight-year-old. I don't know what that is. You've told me that it's hard. Yeah. It was about as far as I would jump from the ground without a swing. It was like, way to go, Rebecca.

Then there's my next commercial note was a hot young Brad Pitt did a Pringles commercial where I think he and two other hunks steal a woman's car. I don't know. A lot happens in it. Next one, they say there's a big stupid trebuchet designed specifically for Bubba from Mama's family. That's what fucking Martin Mall said. I heard it. Next one, they say there's a big stupid trebuchet they designed specifically for Bubba from Mama's family. That's what fucking Martin Mull said. I heard it.

We designed a device to kill Bubba from Mama's family. Oh, that's fucking great. And he comes out and he does the same trick any girl does with a jean jacket at any horizontal bar at an elementary school. Like he just kind of rotates around a bar, but it's a big, it's up high. Well, let's not skip over the dazzling intro because he's pretending to try to wrestle this giant four-story tall metronome thing that he has, and he's pretending to be like a maintenance guy dressed in his like full coveralls, and then oh no, he gets carried away by it and he pretends like that's an accident.

But like, there are legitimate accidents in this. For a second you're like, oh, somebody's gonna die. And then he greaches the other side safely. And then before the metronome can tick back the other way, several large hunks grab his coveralls and then they burst off of him like a male stripper. And he ascends gloriously nude into the sky. It was radical. Yeah, we all loved it, right? So there are breakaway janitor's costumes? That's an in-demand stripper role as sexy janitor? I think it's more for the surprise element of stripping, you know?

If you really want to shock the bride at the bachelorette party, you don't have a policeman show up or whatever. It's got to be the janitor. I heard someone here puked. I'm here to clean it up. Or am I? They're like, no, someone really did puke. Can you please clean that?

Yeah, like we were actually, we could have really used the janitor if you could. Does this go back together? It doesn't? Oh, okay. If we're allowed to pick, we pick Janitor. Please. And they're like... There are some... Shown's right, and this looks like fucking nothing. It looks like absolutely nothing, but there are some, like, displays of strength here

that are remarkable, like, when he, like, lowers himself out to be, like, sort of horizontally planking just by his triceps, like, it's... You have to be very strong and in control to do that But it doesn't look like that and they had they filmed this segment in the daytime at like a theme park So we were looking at like we're looking at an audience look at him up in the sky Just kind of slowly moving around and like maybe that's very hard It looks like it's very hard, but they don't know that and so nobody's clapping Everybody's just watching this man in grim fucking silence like slowly oscillate around a bar. Like, it's very surreal.

I kind of refuse to believe there's a person who gets pumped up knowing Bubba from Mama's Family did a two-story plank, right? Like, it's just not, it's not bad enough to be funny, it's not good enough to be exciting, and it's like, aggressively not interesting. And they apparently built this device just for him to do that? Right. Why do any of this? Maybe he was like, hey, I can do this cool trick where I like, I'm sideways on a pole. And they were like, okay, well, that's nothing, but let's like build something around that.

What if it was very high? Yeah. What if you were a rip-away janitor's costume? Like, okay, now we're building something. I don't know what it is. Like a Levo wobble pole. Yeah, yeah. And what I just I found the pairing for what comes next so interesting because like, Bubba from mama's family up here doing like a genuine feat of strength that looks like nothing to no reception and has obviously trained maybe not specifically for this but throughout his whole life to like have the body in coordination to do that for like no reward and then fucking Mr. Belvedere comes out. Full vampire capen medallion.

Vamping like a birthday Dracula just and that the audience absolutely loves him the most dog shit magic routine I have ever seen. Yeah, this one was bad. It's so bad. This one was worse than OJ Simpson's by far. You have to admit. Yes, absolutely. I'm glad you said that. No, no argument.

It's a terrible routine, but the audience loves it so much that at one point they applaud for the concept of a box. There's no queue for it to applause, he says, and now the second box, and the audience bursts out into applause and he looks around like, you schmucks. You fucking chumps. That's the hold he has over everyone. That was how popular Mr. Belvedere the character was.

He does a Mr. Belvedere reference in the middle of being introduced as the man who played Mr. Belvedere on Mr. Belvedere. That's how big the show was. Must be Mr. Fucking Belvedere. He's gonna click. He does a bit where he like takes out the flowers and he pretends to dust and the audience goes nuts.

Like dusting. That is throwing the Belvedere shit. Meanwhile, Mama from Mama's family is over here being fired across a theme park and he's like to nothing, nothing, nobody? Yep. Human tribute shade across Disney Orlando to Noah floss. I did take a note that Belvedere was creeping on his assistant.

Uh, I would say 20% more than you're supposed to as a magician. Just like, it was too enthusiastic. I get that you're supposed to say like, look at how lovely my assistant is, but he was like, oh, look at them titties. Yeah, wrap them napkins around your titties, you dirty girl. It felt unscripted. Mr. Belvedere, you got a job to do. Yes, it felt like he was going way off script.

But he did it in the Mr. Belvedere voice with like trilling his R's and the audience loved him for it. Ooh, look at her fine body. Like, yeah, with his little shitty little accent. Yeah, I think he did that. Such a fail that his magic show was that much worse than OJ Simpson's on the same program. I mean, OJ 100% murdered his assistant, but at least we didn't have to watch him

leer at her tits for eight store-bought magic tricks. I'm just reading my notes. Yeah, my notes say, good job, OJ Simpson. Thank you. OJ Simpson was better. Everybody just clip that to get out of context, turn it into like a techno remix. What a good beat to it. I said it. I clipped a commercial from this break.

It's pretty good. You've seen these commercials shot secretly in fine restaurants, but maybe you think no one in my house would fall for that Folger's switch. Well, now you can find out. Write to Folger's switch at this address, and we'll send you a high value coupon for Folger's crystals, and a step-by-step brochure to do the secret switch at home. Folger's crystals. Find out if someone in your home will say, Well, this tastes just like fresh brewed to me. I can't believe it. What does the brochure possibly say? That's the payoff. Here's how to trick your family, you stupid fuck.

The switches just try giving them our coffee instead of the coffee you normally give them. Is there a step two? God damn it. It's a high value coupon and a brochure on how to trick your family into drinking the wrong coffee for the payoff of, oh wow, I thought it was a different coffee. Just, and this is like this meta ad campaign about a previous ad campaign. We got to get our hands on that brochure. That's hot dog material. Yeah, that's absolutely hot dog material. It's got to be one step. Like, you can't make a hot dog article out of one sentence. Like, even you,

you did, I know you did the one page of Catman or whatever, but even you couldn't do one. One panel, I did a single panel of Catman, I can do it. That's right. I can do it. Alright, you might be able to do it. You were born for this. Alright, we'll try to find it. If you're listening to the podcast and have the high value coupon and or the brochure

on how to trick your family to drink and fold your crystals, please. Let us know I will send you my full home address. Even if you're OJ Simpson, she really admires your magic OJ. You want a new fan. And she's and she and myself are charmed by your charisma. Okay, okay. The next event is a high wire act. It's Christine Hosh from Head of the Class,

Deborah Renard from Dallas, and Matthew LaRolles from a show that only lasted two seasons about a mystery writer and a caterer. This sucks. They're doing nervous comedy bits like they're at a kid's birthday party, which is only made worse when they cut to the crowd and there's not that many kids in the crowd. I said it was like baby comedy, like when you pretend to fall down and babies think that's hilarious,

so you're just doing it over and over again because you're a sad comedian and that's what you do with your life. It's kind of worse than that because Matthew Lawrence is making the like improv for today mistake of mistaking being really mad about something for comedy. Yes. So like there's no charm or like nuance to any of his delivery. He's just kind of snapping and yelling. You're like, shut up, dick, is all you think like the whole time. But those are supposed to be the punchlines. Or you're like, are all these people trying to kill Matthew Lawrence for some reason? That's the attitude he seems to have. And are correct to do so.

Probably the whole Circus of the Stars is planned to kill Matthew Lawrence. However this is the section where they say nobody's ever done this in a circus before and they don't specify in Circus of the Stars and that's when they're all going over the high wire and uh and uh is it Debra I think it's Debra Renard who does the she does it in high heels and they said that's what they say nobody's ever done this before and that does look fucking intense when she's trying to do it in high heels uh I don't I think it's a bold choice that we do a close-up on her feet over and over again while Christine whispers right perfect, perfect, right, perfect, perfect, right. Like this absolutely, this might have invented foot fetishes. I don't know the

history. Well, this could be where that came from. Yeah, there was a lot of close-ups of Highfield's foot in a lot of danger, which I feel like has to be erotic to somebody. Well, another woman went, right, perfect, right, right, perfect. And she's like whispering to... Yeah, there's like a stern librarian. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of everything. This show's got something for every boner. So they have a big argument about the shoes, speaking of shoes, and so Matthew's like, I could fucking wear any shoes, you stupid women!

And they're like, okay, wear flower pots on your feet. And he's like, what, okay. And so he puts these stupid baskets on his feet. And I think this was a way to trick us because I think these are like training wheels for- I did too. I was like, that makes it look easier. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I think the conventional knowledge might be like, it's harder when you can't feel your feet kind of wrap around it. Right. But it's giving you more surface area, is what I thought. Yeah. But it just doesn't feel true when they...

Because like the way that they do it is she goes out first, as Deborah Renard goes out first and does it in high heels, and that looks crazy. You're like, okay, like that legitimately looks super difficult. And then she like kicks them off and then walks the rest of the way barefoot. And then Matthew Lawrence comes out and does it in the flower baskets. And then at the end, Christine Haj comes out and does it just normally barefoot. They're like, that's the hardest of all. Yeah. Yeah, but they say that's the hardest thing of all is to do this unassisted.

And you're like, yeah, we're being lied to. Were the other ones, though, the other ones weren't then? It's it's all untrustworthy I added something to Matthew Renard for a dude. He's got a cute little thigh gap I'm just reading what it says in my notes, but like that's a strange thing for learning We're all learning a little something about ourselves. I'm learning. I'm into elephant play you're learning you're into Matthew Lawrence and and Lydia's learning she's a doge Simpson. That's the worst one. Yikes. Yeah, we all lost pretty hard. How did I land on that one?

Okay. Hey, I'm coming out of this one clean, man. I feel good. I did like the redhead from Head of the Class comes out, just kind of raw dogs across, just a nice wobbly hustle across the rope. And they're like, oh, that's the hardest one. I'm like, really?

It seems like- Yeah, it doesn't look great. It doesn't look like the hardest one. Well, and they did it, why did they do it in that order then? Where you do the hard, like that's anti-climactic. Absolutely. Yeah, it was terrible planning. Cause they had that great comedy bit about the baskets.

Oh, that's what, yeah, they had to do that. When they cut to them training, it just looks really frustrating and hard and embarrassing and stressful. I was like, this sucks. Don't show us this. Don't show us any of the high wire stuff. Yeah, it's not.

And then you're like, okay, finally we're done. But then they come back and they all bicycle across and this looks so impossible, but wildly unentertaining. Just like, I think celebrity high wire might have the highest difficulty, lowest entertainment value of any time investment a person can make. Yeah, I'll agree with that.

Just don't do this. Yeah, and they said they practiced for three months and I'm just like, uh-uh. Like three months of your life to this? And the audience doesn't disagree with us. Like, the reception they get is completely muted. It's like, they are right there, up there. You can see like the moment, if you have a high definition video of this, you can see the moment they realize that was a total waste of three months.

Like I can't, looking around like, uh-huh, huh, nothing? Nothing? But at least it's a good lead into the fun rap that they do. Yeah, I have in my notes, don't write this down, Sean will of course have a clip. Most actors love to complain about something during rehearsals, and nowadays there's no better way than to rap it. We sing it as we fly the track, to a beat we all know as the rap. Because rap is what we all must do, if we want our wrists to see us through. You know Hope burn hers like nothing else, so we wrap our arms when we're in belts From way up here I'd hate to slip so I'd wrap the palm for a tighter grip

You know what I took the whole thing. I'm not gonna listen to that ever again Was it an ad for raps? Like I never, what was the purpose? That's just what we did in 1988. Okay. Like you would just rap stuff like just the idea of having a rap I was so certain you would play that whole thing, including when they throw to commercial and it goes, local skinheads say they are not racist. Like that's how that rap ends. That's what's amazing. Yes, it's the fucking CBS Minnesota affiliate is like, we heard from the skinheads they're not racist. And just like you do in the future, we just believe when Nazis tell us lies.

They show they show them sitting there in front of a swastika and they're like, they're pretty sure they're not racist. Anyway, wasn't that a great rap about raps? That like 99% white people did? Yes. I was gonna say speaking of awkwardly black coded 80s mistakes, there's a commercial for the California Raisins. Let's see, so now the handyman on Newhart comes out, like he's gonna do a bear act, like a live bear act, but instead he's got a stuffed bear on a stick? Fuck you. It is fucking, like what the fuck? Like, I agree, that's what my notes say, fuck you, like what are we doing here circus of the stars fuck you I I'm not I don't necessarily after the tiger thing

I don't want to see this bear get poked in the face by a smug man with a stick But it's better than coming out with a teddy bear and pretending to do it like at least Don Diamant got partially Digested by a tiger earlier like you can't You can't go down in stakes like this. There's a reveal that here comes something that's, okay, here's some live bear, stop fucking around. No, it's a giant man in a bear mascot costume with a big stick and they put Tom on a stick.

So like every puppet story ever told, the puppeteer becomes the puppet. Like that's how they ended with that like haunting puppet horror. It was so clearly supposed to be like, okay, now he's gonna bring the real bear out, even just for one fuckin' trick. No. This was nothing.

See, uh, the inverse, uh, the inverse, like, uh, star quality to talent curve of the show, I think. Like, that guy, okay, that guy was on New Heart, like, he's pretty famous. Let's have him come on and do something that only takes like two days to learn how to do. You're being generous. I think you could learn that in the car ride over.

I think he improvised this. That's also possible, yeah. A beautiful actress from Dynasty comes out and a guy tries to hypnotize her. It gets creepy real fast. I have a clip. You're getting sleepy, deep sleep. Is that it?

I can't understand this, Emma. I've done it a hundred times. It usually works like this. Ah, Emma, very good. Now you will follow my every command. Open your eyes, relax. Your body will do what I tell it to, only what I tell it to. Just screw the voice.

You cut off the way his next line is, you are perfectly safe as long as you are in my control. I'm really glad. I'm really glad you wrote that down. Yes, it was troubling. And then he like levitates her over the course of just 10 Earth days. It is so fucking long. And then she's likevitates her over the course of just 10 Earth days. It is so fucking long.

And then she's like, derp, nothing happened. And then he snaps his fingers, she falls asleep, they leave. It is so fucking bad. She begins talking about like her experience. She's like, well, nothing happened. It's like I was telling you, I must be immune. And then he snaps again, just to hypnotize her to shut up. And that's the joke is women should shut up. Yes. What a troubling vibe this whole thing was like start to finish. snaps again just to hypnotize her to shut up and that's the joke is women should shut up. Yes. What a troubling vibe this whole thing was, like start to finish. I mean, hypnosis never has a great vibe. No, but it's another weird fetishy thing. So we've got like feet hypnosis,

like weird furry stuff, like it's all there. That's what this is. This is the Sears catalog of its day. Like this is for perverts in the Midwest to jerk off before they had any other recourse. It's the Amazon Romance hashtags, or Amazon erotica, I guess, hashtag section. Yeah, absolutely. I can only come once a year when Circus of the Stars is on! Speaking of erotic, the next act is Marshall Warfield, and she's wearing a Sarah Sherman costume, and she's making puppies jump through a hoop. I don't know whose fetish that is, but it's somebody's.

I like the way they announced this. Martin Mull said, coming up, arrows for Krista Tesro, puppies for Marsha Warfield. That's a terrible deal. Yeah, Marsha Warfield definitely got the better end of that deal. I found no fault with this act. I think everyone involved did a great job and had fun. Ah, in fact, I'm the only one brave enough to say it. There should be more puppy circus content on TV. Yeah, because the puppies like it and you're not beating the puppies with a stick. They're just giving them treats if they do a good job. So like this is very different than the lions. I will say if your circus has two fucking dog acts, like that's a lot. That should not be the televised one.

Like one is pushing it. One is like, okay, well you got dogs to do stuff. I do that at home, but whatever. This is cute. Fucking two, I don't know, man. I looked at Marsha Warfield, just see what she's up to. It was a clip of her seven years old on a daytime talk show where they just loved Marsha Wolf.

Like, oh, comedy legend Marsha Warfield. And she's up on stage like, oh, thank you. Thank you. I met my wife recently. I was doing a stand-up act. I said, I want a younger woman, somewhat juicy. And she screamed, Yoo-hoo. And that's how they met.

And I was like, that is the most beautiful love story. She's just some slightly younger lesbian of the audience saying, yeah, I'm juicy. Right here, I'm juicy, Marcia Warfield. And then they got married. Yeah, but they don't show you how many times Marcia Warfield asks an audience, is anyone juicy out there and was just met with silence?

And yeah, absolute silence. I think I would clap if she said, who here is juicy? I'd say, I'm not going to whoop, but I will clap if she said who here is juicy. I'm not gonna whoop, but I will clap. I will add to that juicy energy. And she would, the spotlight will come on you. She will scour and walk off stage. I don't have the guts to marry a sitcom star, to tell a sitcom star that I'm juicy and want to marry them from their audience. I can never. Night Court makes me juicy. I'm gonna play this part of the podcast for my husband. Tell him, Marsha Warfield, you better look out,

because I'm gonna go to her shows and tell her that I'm juicy. Who here gets juicy for Night Court, everybody? Yeah. Got so many great clips today, Lydia. Oh, no. Next is the, I think this is the final act, the star of Daytime Soap Guiding Light.

Krista Tesra comes out and she's wearing a sparkly bikini doing flips and splits and roundoffs and walkovers. Just an incredible feat of acrobatics. And all she's there to do is hold up things for some professional archer to shoot. I like how Martin Mull introduces her. She's used to threatening barbs, but tonight she's facing a different threat. Real arrows. Murder. So funny. Just written by a madman.

I figured like this isn't even a circus that starts. This is more like the best volunteer you could hope for from an audience. Yeah. This is the Bob Show. If you're a professional archer. The archer is named Bob and he's, this is his show. She is you're a professional archer. The archer is named Bob and this is his show. She is a world-class archer assistant.

Yeah, she pointed at stuff real good and held still. Yeah, and the sparkles and the flips, like, fantastic. I will say that- The act is weird. Yeah, are you about to talk about the fucking executioner's hood thing? Yeah, let's... I don't mean to skip ahead if you're not. Or, you know, before that what bothered me was when she found the pepper.

That was weird. Like, why did she go... Why did she... She, like, dropped it out of her blouse or something and he was like, what's that? Oh, and she's like, it's nothing. Well, you have it. It's my secret pepper. You had it in your blouse or whatever.

He's like, it's a pepper. Right. It's a secret pepper for later. Why you gotta put's a secret pepper for later. It's my reward for doing good. In this, it's my reward for being brave. Yeah, that's how you land a round off. You jam a pepper in your panties. It's an old circus trick. Yeah, like a spicy nipple. Everybody likes a spicy nipple now and then. There was nowhere in that sparkly bikini to keep a pepper, is what I'm saying. That's true. She had a thigh gap like Matthew LoRoll.

But the finale of this, all right, it's just an archery show or whatever. It's a good archery show. She does great presenting. Bob the Archer is really good with his crossbow and arrow. But then for the finale, they have him put on an executioner's hood, which is that's too dark just no just make a normal blindfold and then they have him like he's supposed to triangulate where she is by her countdown

so she counts to ten she says one two three and every time she says something he makes a like a jerky robotic movement adjusting his aim it's really fucking freaky it it feels like a- It's so weird. It feels like a Zelda anime or something. It's- Yeah. But like-

Like she's turned out smart a statue puzzle. Right, like this is like I will have to angrily watch a YouTube to beat this weird fucking thing that follows your every noise. Yeah. I don't know. It's a dark way to end. He pretends to be so off at first too, He didn't even look at where the thing was 10 seconds ago. He's completely all the way to the left. And then she's like, one. And he's like, oh.

And try it. Have someone in your room say a noise and see if you can point your head in their direction with your eyes closed. And then if they stay in the same exact spot and make another noise, see if you jerk your body 45 degrees in one direction. Just see if that's something that's natural for you. Because that's what this guy does 10 times. Yeah, it's a wild thing. And then all in an executioner's hood to aim a deadly weapon at a woman in a bikini. You're like, look, I know this is for perverts to jerk off to, but we don't want this demographic. You don't want these ones. Yeah, weird that they ended on that act. Like, one of their least climactic act. Like, that

an actual thrill act, it wasn't a man getting tied to a chair and escaping a gentle trickle of water. Weird ending. But it was also like not really of the stars. This is just a totally normal archery act. They say he's famous, but like famous for being an archer and questionable. I've never heard of him I think it's kind of like if you haven't popped off by now with all the high heels and elephant stuff Then this is for you unlike fine. Here's your here's your reward you jaded awful perverts Yeah, I did like be Arthur speech at the end where she be the circus of the stars, Ringmaster ends the show talking about how great circus of the stars Ringmasters are. I thought that's adorable. And then I do have the sign off. It's a great sign off.

Until next year, may all your days be circus days. Good night, everybody. 1900 Frankfurt 1900 Frankfurt Our podcast is great! And with maximum In the future, all war is handled by elite warriors doing single battle in immense high-tech fighting We call these warriors the supreme Aaron cross did Adrian H Aiden Moet Alex Nolan Berg is right. There's nothing in the rulebook that says your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw cock.

AlphaScience's Java. Unending. Armando Nava. Bim Talzer. Brendan Garlok. Brian Salem. Burrito. Cero. Cheddar Wolf is also right. There's still nothing in the rule book saying you can't have a giant chainsaw cock. Common Sense is right too. There remains nothing in the rule book against giant chainsaw cocks. Craig Lemoine, I guess that's right. There's... look, it takes time to print new rule books. Let's just say no more giant chainsaw cocks from now on. Alright, Quavis was late to the meeting and missed the part about the giant chainsaw cocks, but that's the last one. Dan B.

David Schull put a small chainsaw cock on his robot. Fair enough. Dean Castillo. Delta Foxtrot. Devin the Rogue Supreme. Doug Redmond comes equipped with Rocket Fist. Drayson uses Orange Laser. Dusty's Rat Title uses Green Laser.

Eric Riong uses Blue Laser. Alright, is this in protest of the giant chainsaw cock ban? Fancy Shark uses Cocklip. You're children. You're all children. Gareth. Jell shark uses cock lip. You're children. You're all children.

Garen. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his hot witches fights with the giant chainsaw dog. OK, we're putting all synonyms in the rule book now, too. Greg Cunningham. Haraka. Hulk.

Jaber Al-Aden. James Boyd, it says right here in the rule book, your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw wang. Nice try. Jared Black, no, it can't be a giant chainsaw schlong. Jared Mountainman, right here, played English, banned weapons. Giant chainsaw man sausage. Jared Ruiz, you cannot have a giant chainsaw hog. Oh, it's an actual hog.

Sorry, let it play. Jeff Oraski, John Dean, John McKen, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh S., Joshua Graves, Justin B. Come on, man, those are clearly balls. No, it doesn't matter if there's no cock. It's the spirit of the thing Ken Paisley K&M banned chainsaw cock Lane. Hey good banned chainsaw cock Lisa Frankly, I expected better of you. That's a three-day suspension for chainsaw cock M. Jahi Chappelle You know what? I'm going to allow it. It's fine. If the robot wears concealing underwear Mark Mahoney I said concealing underwear. Mark Mahoney,

I said concealing underwear. It's hanging right out there. That's a ban. Matt Riley. Max Barroi. Moju. Mercenary Sissetman, yes, it's still banned even if it's uncut. Michael Lair. Mickey Loman. Mort, you brought three rotating giant chainsaw cocks. Why would that be allowed? Mr. Bob Gray, no, then four obviously wouldn't be cool, would it? ND, Neil Bailey, Neil Schaeffer, Neku104 Nick Levino brought an old-fashioned mace. Yes! Henri Weevil, Nick Levino's tag team partner, brought a bolo! This is what I'm talking about! Oh, I see what you guys are doing there. That's hilarious.

Hilarious. That's a bad one. Ozzy Olin. Patrick Herbst is allowed to bring the giant chainsaw cock because this is an exhibition match. It's non-competition play, guys. Rhiannon. Sarkovski. Sean Chase, it's not an exhibition match because you're exhibiting something.

Siege, it's not an exhibition match because God is always watching. Spotty Reception, it's not an exhibition match just because you sold tickets ahead of time. Supernaut, an exhibition match is a formally classified thing. We'll tell you when it's not a normal match, okay? Tater's Tales just got giant chainsaw cocks banned in exhibition matches too, okay? Everyone happy? Ted H, Thomas Kavatsos, Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo? I don't care if it's detachable. I know what a giant chainsaw cock looks like. Booster? Yes, even if it's on your forehead. I know you're not a unicorn that's happy to see me.

Waylon Russell? Zack and Ava, that entire robot is one enormous chainsaw cock. I can't imagine being more banned. Harvey Penguini fights with a giant chainsaw. A vagina? I guess that's allowed. I mean, I feel like it's basically your opponent's fault if they take you up on that. I can't imagine anyone would be foolish enough to- Wow, right out the gate. Stuck his face right in there, huh? Alright, Harvey Penguini wins Alaska!