The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 217, Dante's Cove with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: March 1, 2025

Seanbaby & Robert Brockway welcome back special guest, Lydia Bugg to the DOGGZZONE! It's HUNK WEEK at the DOGGZZONE so get your lube ready, no more... I don't think you understand, MORE. Now slather it all over and get ready for some skinemax style hunks the likes of which you've probably seen if you're a fan of Green Arrow! They're young, dumb and showin' bums, they are the magical himbo hunks of Dante's Cove! Seriously though... MORE LUBE.

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog, America's last comedy website. And also, welcome to Hog Week! Oink oink, bitches! Celebrating all things hog from tip to tail, I'm Dripping Hog Magazine's second sloppiest hog boy, Robert Brockway. And with me is number one slop lad and undisputed master hog wrangler, Sean, baby. It's wonderful to be here. And it's always been an honor to represent the dripping hogs of the Pacific Northwest.

And our guest comedian author champion hog lubricator without her. We'd have dry hogs out here, folks. She keeps them wet and moving. It's Lydia Bug. Hi, thank you for having me, I guess. We need an HR department, like yesterday. I asked to be on this episode. I think I should start by saying that. I requested this for myself. No one invited me.

I said, oh, this sounds great. I want to do this. And then I regretted it. A demand. It was an outright demand. I think we were throwing the net wide and you were just like hey no slapping that ball down. This is Lydia This is my game. Yep, basically We're like I want to do this. This is a vague description of what it is

I was like me me me me me I pushed everybody off to the side I was like, I know I've been on two podcasts recently, but I have to do this. I'll love this You'll agree. It's time for a break after this. Oh, yeah You may never see me again. Yeah, we understand. Before we get into what this is and why you won't be back ever again, where can people find more from you? You can find me on Blue Sky at You Know Lydia and on TikTok at the same

and every Monday on 1900hotdog.com where I write funny, silly articles. I love that place. I do too. So many hogs in that place. I'd said- Yeah. Oh, it actually says here it's hunks. All right. Well, you know what?

I guess those intros stand. Yeah, it's key. Yeah, it works. Well, I'll put something more relevant in there. We'll go back and post. That's right. It's Hunk Week. It's Hunk Week on 1900hotdog.com. We recently met another of our big fundraising milestones and we are celebrating like we always do Buns out by raising everyone's pay.

Which is always fun. It's always my favorite part of doing this is Every time we get to raise pay I get to look back at like our past employers out of spite and think like we're beating you. By just magnitudes. I do think our most our shared past employer, we're paying what? 17 times more than them now? It fully double now what I was making before at the past employers. Thank you to the hot dogs and to you guys, obviously. And they were only worth, what does it say here? $50 million for the end.

All right, there you go. That's what's wrong with the world in a nutshell, right there. We also announced a slew of new site features to celebrate and also price hikes to celebrate, which everybody seemed to love. I think they're okay with it. You do get new stuff for them, so if you only listen to the podcast, be sure to check out the site to see what's different.

You might be getting something cool you do not know about. If you do already support us, thank you. It's the only thing that makes this podcast possible. If you don't support us, fuck you, but maybe give us a shot at patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. You're the best. You wrote the best explanation. I think so many people were so nice because you made a really good point that you hadn't raised prices

since it was just you and Sean writing like four articles a week. And now you've got like a full cast of people all the time writing articles. And also COVID and runaway inflation. So yeah, everything else. You added two podcasts. You added a lot of stuff in between start and now. Yeah, we added like 30 hours of work a week to each of us and we're just like, maybe we should pay for some of these people. I think it's arguably better now. Like when we launched the editorial mandate

was like, we're gonna write like 500 to a thousand words tops like every day. And the idea behind it was like, everyone was going to write like 500 to a thousand words tops like every day. And the idea behind it was like, everyone was burning so much of their energy sort of doing these Twitter threads that were just being wasted. I'm like, what if it was a little better than a Twitter thread, but like a website, like the old timey days. And then Brockway and I just sort of can't control ourselves. And every fucking time we'd write 3,000, 4,500 words.

And we're just like, okay, we're gonna die if we do this. So we did not last a week, a week at the short, at the 500 word article stage. I believe we were breaking that within the first week of launch. Yeah, instantly. It was never going to happen. And so you brought me on to help with Mondays. And that was the start of the whole thing going downhill. That was the start of our unstoppable media empire, Lydia.

Yeah, I guess it's true. We're here at Hunk Week. We're celebrating. We've made it. A milestone with hunks. All the way to Hunk Week. Like we always do. No, it's so great. It's awesome. And I don't know if people know that I do the socials now.

So people are trying to guess the other day if it was you, if it was Sean or if it was broccoli. And I was so flattered because I was like, Oh my God, they can't tell it's me. That's hilarious. Because I feel like my voice is distinct. Very masculine, very hunky. Yeah, like very hunky and masculine, obviously. But I'm trying to make it more hot doggy. But I feel like my writing style has rubbed off on you guys a little bit too. Like there are jokes to make sometimes where I'm like, I feel like as much as you've influenced me a ton, obviously, because you're editing my articles, but

like, I feel like I've influenced you guys a little bit too. I'm interested if you have an example ready for something like that. I do. I do. Um, the van competition, the heading for that was, uh, get in bitch, we're going to jail and I was like, I don't know if Brockway would have done a Mean Girls joke before I joined the site. Yeah, maybe not.

Maybe not. That is Lydia territory. That's fair. But yes, we made it, we made it all the way to Hunk Week, one of our most treasured weeks. And today we're going to talk about Dante's Cove. It's a, I don't exactly know what it is. I was going to say it's an hour long drama, but the episodes aren't an hour and it's not always a drama. It's a show of some kind. My first question

was gonna be, do you think this is a porno with a lot of plot or a like TV show with a lot of sexy? Yes, absolutely. The easiest comparison is Cinemax. Like the Cinemax movies from the 90s were it sort of ostensibly be like a detective story or like a murder mystery or whatever. And then there'd be like two or three kind of extended love scenes. But still within the realm of PG, like everyone's really careful to cover everything. And that's what these felt like. Like once the lovemaking starts,

it's kind of just two dudes getting in the way of their dongs. Like they're fighting where the camera is and just like, okay, let me get my buns in the way of your dong. Okay, bro. We got this. Oh, but there are dongs. Yeah, you definitely see dongs.

There's a couple of flopping dongs, but not in the context of like sex. Like once the lovemaking starts, it's like, okay, get all the dongs off frame. I gotta say, it goes a lot harder than I I really thought it was going to that's true for what they for Just shy of porno. I think this is about as much as you can do. It's It's a supernatural drama Mostly gay. It's like an all-hunk charmed or

Like it's like a partial penetration Buffy Yeah, I think all-hunk charmed or like a it's like a partial penetration Buffy. Yeah, that's I think all hunk charmed is more less gay supernatural we can all agree. Okay, okay, sure. I've always had this in the bank because it's the closest we'll ever get to an actual cocktails the supernatural gay thriller that only made a trailer but it was the best thing that's ever been made. This is sort of that spirit of like, yes, here's the devil,

here are magical vampires, and here's a lot of dick, just a lot of dick. And they do kind of expo dump like the Cocktails trailer, like they'll meet a guy and he'll say, hi, I'm the artistic one, but I'm also cranky. And then they're just gone. You're like, okay, that was a lot. Thanks. I guess I know who that guy is. I'm a street samurai and my sword is possessed by the devil. Also, I'm bi. Right.

Check. I'm surprised that character wasn't in this show. That's a perfect character for this show. That was somewhat from, I think I'm polluting two together, but that was from Cocktails. Okay, I thought I remembered there was someone with a samurai sword. Yeah, that's why Cocktails was better, they went a little more ridiculous. But they went pretty ridiculous. Maybe not in this episode, we only watched the first episode because I think it's like two hours long. Because like, they did not get the message that shows are a length, and they did not maintain that throughout the entirety of this series.

No two episodes are the same length and all of them are somewhat unreasonable. It's wonderful. It aired from 2005 to 2007 on the Here network. I hope you can hear the exclamation mark in that. It's like a gay or bravo, I guess. Season one was only two episodes. And I would say two too many. There was only two episodes in season one, which is a bold thing to call a season.

They were both like movie length, though. Perhaps too much movie length. Seasons two and three were five episodes each, so they at least determined like a length for a series to be. And one of my favorite little pieces of trivia in researching this was that the second season of Dante's Cove was shot in Oahu near Lost. Okay. Yeah, I read that too. Yeah, the cast and crew of both shows like hung out together during their shoots, though.

These guys know Daniel Day Kim? There's your slash fiction right there, it's right in itself. See I read that they were there first and Lost was after something and my note was just I hope they washed the sheets really good before Lost showed up. Alright, you know Sawyer fucked some of them right? Yeah, oh definitely. Sawyer got it wet a little bit. There was also a spin-off of this show which is... there should never have been another episode of this show. There was a spinoff. It was another here show. It was a gay vampire series called The Lair that was mostly about magical gay vampire drug use in the local gay vampire club.

Are you saying L-A-I-R or L-A-Y-E-R? Lair. I think maybe it's probably supposed to be a pun. Ah. Like, I don't know how much credit to give them. Like they lay the vampires? Like the vampires? Yes, but it is also their nest. Oh, so L-A-Y-R is how you spell lair.

They spell it L-A-I-R. Okay. So, like, the lair. Like where vampires live, but also... But also they're fuckin'. ...vampires have lairs. Because they are fuckin'. Right, they wear a lot of lairs. They got the cape. I shouldn vampires have layers. Because they are fucking. Right, they wear a lot of layers.

They got the cape, the puffy shirt, the medallion. It works on so many layers? That had three much longer seasons than this, plus a limited comic book run, which fuck yeah. If you have that send it. I couldn't find it. I would love to read that comic book. How limited? When they say limited, they mean like we made two. Yeah, I don't find it. I would love to read that comic book. How limited. When they say limited, they mean like, we made two. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how long it is. They got some good side-dong in that comic.

Yeah, right? Is that harder or easier to convey like partial penetration? I only made you guys watch episode one of Dante's Cove. You're welcome. We'll talk about that here, and I'll walk you through the rest of the series in the bonus podcast. Great. I kinda wanna hear what happened. I said, like, I think I'm gonna watch, like, all of this, and then I watched one and reported back. No, I will not be.

I already know what happens, because we watched this full episode, right? Then at the end, the guy flashed back to all the stuff in the episode, and I'm like, yep, that's my notes. That's literally everything that happened. It took him 15 seconds. And then they did a super cut of the full season,

and it took about 25 seconds. I'm like, yep, that's everything that happened, it took them 15 seconds. And then they did a super cut of the full season and it took about 25 seconds. I'm like, yep, that's everything that happens. I could just add 40 minutes of useless dialogue and five really, really boring sex scenes to that. That's everything that happens in the first season, which is two episodes. Okay, okay. So I'm way off. You could never have guessed that they put that reel at the end that's like,

look forward to this and the rest of the season. And then you're like, oh yeah, I'm excited. And you watch one episode and you're like, well, that's it. That was it? OK. That was cool. OK. I didn't give it enough credit.

I'm sure they're going to drop more porcelain dolls in shadowy rooms. You won't believe it. They do. I'm sure they do. Sure they do. How could they not? It's just all spooky imagery like that a child might write in a horror fiction where it's just like, oh look,

a doll shattered against the floor. And that'll be like, oh yeah, such a powerful shot. Put that in between the dudes making out. Like on paper, this should be perfect for me. This should be my ideal show. Like it's like a weird old, like old but glamorous witch lady. And like basically Melrose Place, but gay, but mystical. Like what?

I would love that. And then you watch it and it's not good. Did you see who that witch lady was? No, who was she? She looks familiar. She's the beautiful Tracy Scoggins from... Did you see who that witch lady was? No, who was? She looks familiar. She's the beautiful Tracy Scoggins from... It was notorious goat murderer Tracy Scoggins.

Oh my god! Oh my god, I didn't know that these all my episodes are connected now! You didn't recognize her like practiced goat handling skills in this show? She uses them, baby. She looks like she struggles guns, for sure. This show opens in 1840 and it's very much like watching an episode of Jojo and guessing which people have the stands. Like there's two fully evil, beautiful people. It's just that they stand out so much in a crowd that it's like panning over a crowd

and there's only a few people there but they're just like very ordinary person, like a banker or something, like a milkmaid or something. And then one full-lipped vampire hunk named Ambrosius and his evilly masqueraded witch fiance, Grace. They were just like both absolutely gorgeous, fully evil, done up in like black. You're like, oh, I wonder what this show's about. I wonder who the two main characters in this scene are. shows about I wonder who the two main characters in this scene are. A very plain mousy woman has the audacity to nod politely at Ambrosius. So Grace, the evil witch girlfriend melts her insides with a glare. To be fair, she had like, it was a sexually charged look and he like stopped and

stared at her. It was almost like they were making fun of that meme of the guy looking at the other girl. And- Was this maybe pre that? No, 2005? That's right around then. Yeah, they either knew about it or I accidentally recreated it.

She was right to say something, but maybe not boiler from the inside. I think that was probably too far. On the street in front of everybody. Right. Yes. Then we followed them back to their home I think that was probably too far. On the street in front of everybody, yes. Then we follow them back to their home, and right away I wrote, did they have HVAC vents in the 1840s? Like the visible light switches certainly are a tell.

I didn't notice, that's hilarious. It's like a middle school drama. It's so fucking bad. Yeah, they tried to just kind of like put a poster in front of the TV. Like, this is... we rented the house for a day, we can't change anything, we can only put stuff in front of it. She confronts him about this dalliance on the street and he says, I can assure you, I have absolutely no interest in other women! Oh, what a chilling way to say that.

I wonder what he means by that. They're like winks right at the camera. Yeah, he takes his dick out and helicopters it. It's like, I think I know what he's getting at. And then he follows this up by refusing to have sex with her. So like, you could not, this could not be any more clear what's happening here. And she has no idea. Honestly, she brings it up. No, she has no idea.

She brings this on herself. So she leaves to go visit her mother, and the twink butler Raymond steps up and says, is there anything you require? And he says, why, yes, I do. And then they force strip each other to like a new metal song that probably meant a lot to somebody's junior high school crush back in 2005. It's real amateur shit. You're not gonna believe this, but the off off brand gay streaming service kept breaking on me. So like, it took me like 15 tries to like, watch this dude bang his boller.

I had to download a completely different low-res version of it, which didn't look as nice, but you know, it's fine. It's fine. I got the gist of it. So of course Tracy Skaggs turns back because, well, my mother's expecting me is pretty much universal code for I'm going to leave and then come right back to see if you're having gay sex with somebody while I'm gone. Well, she kind of stops in the street and seems to think about it like, I wonder if he's having gay sex with his butler right now. Sure enough! Sure enough, he really is. I thought she was going back for her copy of Dante's Inferno. I thought she was like, oh, I have forgot, like they seem to be really

deliberately showing her empty hand as if like, oh, I normally carry a Dante's Inferno book in this hand. Oh, perhaps, perhaps. That's what I thought. Whoops, I only came back from my book to find you impaled on a cock again. So great. They did that thing you see where it's all these little red herrings like, oh, she's at the door.

It's like, oh, she's going to catch him doing this. No, she's not opening the door yet. She's going to leave and come back. And so they keep like teasing us like, oh, oh, is she going to catch them here, catch them here, and she finds she catches them like, full penetration, like, like, it just keeps getting worse and worse. And then she's like, are they coming now? You're like, oh, wow, you picked. So, uh, so she catches them and Raymond disengages Raymond, the hunk butler disengages and he runs away in the funniest way.

It looks like I wrote scuttle. It looks like the Patterson Gimli film. It looks like... Scuttles! I wrote scuttles! It looks like the Patterson Gimli film. It looks like a little Bigfoot run with his half-erect cock out. Like a little, oh! Yeah, like a little MC Hammer shuffled to the side. But half-erect. If MC Hammer was naked and half-ere erect. And then he freezes, he just freezes in the middle like a hieroglyph. So she melts him with her Heat Ray vision and we get a nice cock wiggling death spasm. Oh my god, it's the funniest. I was like, honestly this was worth it for that scene where you watch a man get shot to death nude and he's just like a lot of thrashing

and his like, his like cocks flopping all around. It's so great. You're not gonna believe this. My notes say nude flopping, dong melt. Just put an asterisk next to that, cause that felt important. Like we're gonna talk about this. Yes, that really, it stole the scene.

These gentlemen are not great actors, but that wiggling dong in the throes of death really sold it. I like that Tracy Scoggins called them a filthy little piece of rubbish. I was like, oh, I guess they didn't have like, gaislers in 1840, or she chose not to use one. I thought it was a real stand-up move.

Yeah, I didn't think she was mad that he was having sex with a man. I think she was mad that he was cheating on her. Yeah, it wasn't a hate crime. It's just a regular witch melt crime. See, I don't think she even gives up because she uses her magic on him. And then the next scene he wakes up and he's chained in a dungeon. She's in a full dominatrix outfit. And she's like threatening to whip him and get him to apologize. They're like, okay, she's still trying to get something going here. It's not a deal breaker. She just, she's gonna win his heart back. I'm, I'm, I'm worried we're skipping over some of the dialogue because she screamed, consider the wedding night spoiled. And I thought, what a fucking choice choice and he is very confident too

He's like, oh somebody will find me like I have fucked every dude in town Like they're gonna come looking this plan is not gonna work Tracy's God and it's real. They're that's real good They're thinking about yeah So she she ages him with her magic and she tauntingly says only the kiss of a young man will free him Any very very quickly says oh yeah, young man, no problem. I'll get one of those day one. Yeah, it's such an easy curse. You have to look at the color blue. You're like, oh no, how am I going to get out of this one? Especially because she magically turns him old, but not hideously so, like they don't have hideous makeup for the guy. Yeah. So he gets a few

wrinkles and some gray hair and he keeps his absolutely rockin' hunk bod. Yeah. Like, oh no. Yeah, but they treat him like he's hideous. Like, they put a bad white wig on an attractive older man and they're like, you are disgusting. Yes, because gay men hate that. Like, I looked it up, I was like, is that Napoleon Brothers? Napoleon Dynamite's older brother?

Uh, but, uh, no, it wasn't him. So now he's a hunky silver fox who can only be freed by the kiss of a hot young man? Oh no, he'll never be free. What a curse. He's very sarcastically wrote down, I wonder what will happen next. Yeah, cause there's no real irony to that punishment.

It's just like you had sex with a man and now as punishment, you again have to have sex with a man. Yeah, got it. Yeah, can we do this curse like, I don't know, every Tuesday? Could you leave for your mother's and do this curse every Tuesday? Would be cool. I just love it. It's so dogshit stupid. So Tracy Skaggs runs back to her evil witch mom, and you think this is gonna have like a really important magic conversation,

and they do kind of put the word magic in there, but it's basically the I told you he was gay conversation that any mother would have with like her daughter who was like, yeah, I told you what did you think was gonna happen? Like everybody knew he was gay. Oh, but magic, something about magic also, but seriously. Her performance feels really inspired by Emperor Palpatine. Like she's like, my instincts did not betray me. I knew it. You're like, wow. Again, great choice.

I knew he was gay. At this point, I thought the show was good. At this point, I'm like, this rules. Me too. Yeah, I was so on board at this point. I think everybody should watch the first like 10 minutes through the credits because the credits have a fun little Easter egg too. It gets kind of fun in parts after this too, but the rest of sure the first episode, it's just it knows what it wants to be and what it wants to be is not this.

So this part's done and we flash forward in time to Laguna Beach, or two of our other main characters. Toby picks up Kevin in a taxi and immediately goes, whoops, I dropped my headphones and just starts blowing him in the cab. While the big old cheesesteak cabbie is just like, fuck yeah, boys, suck that dick. It took a long time before I was sure that's what his reaction was, because he was like sweating as if like he's trying to like, what's the social protocol here? How do I tell

these guys I know what they're doing and you can't do that in my cab. But then he's like, no, no, I'm watching this. I'm watching these guys get the third base in my cab and love it. Yeah, he's into it. He definitely gets into it. The funniest thing to me was Kevin keeps asking, did you find the headphones yet? Did you find them? Your headphones? Did you find those headphones yet? It gets beyond like covering and I think he might actually think Toby lost his headphones and it's just really bad at looking. Like I don't think they're in your mouth and I don't think the best way to look for them is my cock. I think, I mean, certainly once or twice, but it's been like 30 times.

Do you know like, like when you're in seventh or eighth grade and you're like about to kiss somebody and the dumb things you say, and then like, it's just like that awkward transition from normal human conversation to like, oh, we're about to make out. It felt so much like that for a lot of the dialogue in this show.

Like it felt like children about to kiss. And I don't know a better way to describe it. It is so awkward and so weird and inhuman, but in a way that, like, you understand it. You're like, oh, these two are about to fuck, or these two are in the process of, like, a playful type of romantic thing. But it's such a disaster as, like, actual writing that someone put on a screen. You can tell that whoever wrote this wrote this while very horny about it. And they weren't trying to like convey sexy and horny as like a talented writer might do, but they were just super horny.

Like this is like fan fiction they wrote to jerk off to at the moment and somehow got produced. To me it feels like someone who's been laid once. And like this is the kind of things that they said during their one seventh grade relationship. 100%. Yeah. And like, they just thought, oh, this is how everyone talks in regards to romance. Because the dialogues like that for the rest of the show, I had to look up the writer, because it also it doesn't ring very gay to me. It feels like someone wrote a very heterosexual seventh grade romance and then someone said, could you make all these adults and gay? And he's

like, oh, totally. I'll have it on your desk tomorrow. And just made a wild guess. Yeah, it definitely had like a boy porn vibe to me. I don't know, Merritt once tweeted the best thing ever about the difference between like, boy porn and girl porn, which is, boy porn is welcome to sex university where everyone is always having sex. And girl porn is welcome to sex university. Sex is strictly forbidden. Oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense.

And I was like, yeah, that's so true. And this felt very much like you're just seeing these boy porn, these two guys that are just like, all the time on each other in like the first 15 minutes or whatever. And like here in the credits, we get like this hunk montage.

It is maybe the most male gaze thing I've ever seen. Like they're just perving out on every single person in the credits. And I've, and we've watched Baywatch recently. I have seen some fetishized male gaze. I think it says director of cinematography, this German dude's boner. And it's just like a guy in the corner.

They have such chemistry. They're on the beach. They have like a beach date and Toby is like, oh, hey, I think this is where we met. Kevin's like, oh yeah. And then they're like, when was that? Two months ago. And you like, you've forgotten it in two months.

Like, oh, these far gone days. And later, like, Toby gives Kevin a photo strip, like a photo booth strip of their first date together. And he's like, no way, I thought you lost this. Oh my God, look at my hair. What was I thinking? It was two months ago. It was maybe one haircut ago.

I don't know if it's like clever commentary about how short gay relationships are, or I think it's just bad filmmaking, but I'll give it some credit. Sure. It's so funny to think of the mistakes in this show as intentional, as if this was high art masquerading as a bad soap opera. I gotta try. You gotta try, otherwise you're just watching two dudes fuck.

First of all, yeah, there's three sex scenes in a row, basically, right? Yeah, they fuck again right after this. Cab, beach, hotel room, just sex, sex, sex, with the dialogue in between being like, Hi Toby, and then they fuck. Hello, how are you? I love tomatoes. I love your tomatoes. I wrote that one, that's a real line.

Oh my god. I think that might be one of the only non-fucking things they say in the first like 20 minutes. Yeah. It's just this thing about tomatoes and you're like, the tomato's gonna be important later? Absolutely not. And I'm like, bring back the horny witch.

I mean, let's give this show some credit. It said it's about gay men fucking and it is about gay men fucking. It is. Like so many of these shows, so many of these like queer supernatural romance shows, they're like, oh yeah, two men look longingly at one another over a werewolf corpse or something. Yeah, get the fuck out of here with that. Dante's Cove is two men fully penetrating one another while occasionally a werewolf

looks in and goes, are you guys still going? I like that around here we learn the drama of how like, one of the fully adult gay men has a stepdad who doesn't like him. And that's like, who fucking cares? Yeah, and the dialogue for that is really good too, because he says, I don't want to go home to you know who. And Toby's like, your stepdad? And he's like, yes. I wrote that down. Except you're making it sound more human. He doesn't say you're stepdad. He says, stepdad. Good writing. It's good writing. They proceed to have this argument about the stepdad and why you won't stand up to him or something. It's so stilted that it seems more like they're both having arguments with somebody else over a Bluetooth headset, and they just happen to be in the same room.

Yeah, this feels like bad dialogue, but from two different things. Yeah, it doesn't feel like their lines are meeting up. Like, I don't think they're talking to each other. And I also think that this was written for much younger people, and it got adapted for adult men. Yeah, I did, are these guys 45 and he's like still living at home and they're like, oh, it must be so hard for him to live at home. I'm like, good job. Or stand up to the stepdads. Hey dude, it's fucking 2005. People, it's pretty normal to just be out and gay, buddy.

Let us enjoy this for the next 20 years. It's all we have. Yeah. So they stay broken up for about two minutes of screen time before fucking in the ocean again and then breaking up again. Well, is that the point at which uh, I can't remember the other one. Toby and the blonde one. What's the blonde one's name? Kevin. Kevin. Kevin like lays sadly on the beach and just lets the waves wash over him at this point, right? Washing away his his stepdad trauma. I wrote down some of the dialogue.

Washing away his his stepdad trauma. I wrote down some of the dialogue One of them is talking about being gay and he says you're gay too. And then that one says oh whatever And then that one says stop yelling and then that one says why don't you shut up? I just that that's that's the kind of writing we're dealing with. I'm performing it. Maybe too good No, and after that he says what's the point of what us? too good no and after that he says what's the point of what us fucking tragic every every lines a different middle school play yeah we both wrote down chunks of that conversation for being so bad mm-hmm so you were writing stuff down early like I gotta get this down that's the whole thing the whole thing it never stops I stopped writing it down I figured you'd have some clips

but if you didn't that's fine We don't need to relive it. I did not take clips because I could not figure out how to steal from the gay website. Oh, right. Here. I thought it was funny because he was deceiving the stepdad. He's trying to pretend that he's not gay to hide it from the stepdad. But then he calls his mom and the stepdad goes, he's screwing around with that boy again, isn't he?

Like he hasn't heard a word of the conversation. He just knows his wife is holding a phone. I bet she's talking to her gay son. This is really hard to mess up, especially in the era of 2005, but I do not believe that stepdad is homophobic. The way he says, I screwing out with that boy again, it's like the dog has gotten under the shed again. Like, I gotta get him out of there.

You gotta go hit him with a broom or something. Well, I do kind of get this because I think around this time, I like I had friends work with me as gay, you know, in high school. And it was sort of a thing where it was like your parents know, obviously, but they don't want to hear it from you. So you kind of have like a don't ask, don't tell in your own home, you know? Sure. I kind of felt I could see that being a thing. I feel like the director and writer had no experience with this community or these people and is making wild guesses as to how an adult gay man might interact with their elderly stepdad. Yes. Once again, Lydia is doing the thing I was doing, trying to give credit. Trying to give meaning, yeah.

Yes, trying to give some amount of credit to the show. Yeah, I'm looking at the ink blot and I'm like, that's a bird or whatever, but it's just ink blot. Just an ink blot. It's just buns, baby. So they have a big falling out and Kevin leaves for Dante's Cove to meet up with Toby.

For some reason, he has Tracy Skagen's witch book, which is a copy of Dante's Inferno. Don't worry about it, this will never come up again. It's not important. It's so important that they like show it all the time and then they're like, yeah never mind, it's not about that. On the bus, he has, Kevin has what I describe as a perfectly normal bus stream. Burning satanic books, zombies, sexy knife rituals, just greyhound stuff. Pretty normal. He gets off at Dante's Coven, heads for for Dante's Hotel which I thought is where Toby worked

because they keep showing like Toby calling home it turns out he lives in a gay hostel will ever where everybody just fucks each other all the time called Dante's Hotel I would like to visit I would hate to live there but I feel like yeah it doesn't seem fun yeah they do not have good boundaries so yeah I could not live there but I did like how everyone was constantly glistening because they were like, just bathed in baby oil. Kevin, that starts immediately because Kevin walks up to the hotel and he's met by Cory, who is the most lubricated man alive until you meet everyone else

in this hotel. Cory out just straight up offers to grab his cock. I mean luggage! And then they're like, nah, but it's cool. No, no worries. I just tried to grab your cock, bro. Come on in. They meet the rest of the roommates, Amber, who's into bondage. Adam is also lubricated. He's reading a book and totally soaked head to toe in lube. He is apparently our straight man in every sense of that term. You'll never guess what his character arc is.

He's secretly gay. They mentioned in the first episode, they're like, well, he's not gay until he gets drunk or something. And he's like, no. Okay. But also, are you not going to say that that is played by Stephen Amell? The fucking green arrow? Oh, is that green arrow? That's green arrow! I didn Amel the fucking green arrow. Oh, is that green arrow?

That's green arrow. I can't believe I thought you didn't. I didn't realize that's green arrow. I don't watch green arrow. That's why like the credits, I was like, you have to watch the credits because when Stephen Amell came on, I screamed. He is a like pretty hardcore Republican now.

Oh, that's amazing. And his presence in this show as an oily, oily, secretly closet gay man is transcendent. What radicalized you to heterosexualism? Yeah, it's absolutely in line with being a hardcore Republican. I believe that 100% I think he knew exactly what he was doing at the time. No, I don't. He was against the rider strike and everything. Yeah.

And now he's going to be on the new suits and I'm like, oh my god, we got to tell people about this. Okay. That's very funny. I watch stuff like this, but I will not watch Green Arrow. I don't watch it either. I just know it's him. I feel like I might even thought, that guy kind of looks like Green Arrow. I never I, it's amazing that that's really him. That's so funny. Well,

fucking stay tuned for the bonus episode because he has a hilarious story. Oh, throughout the rest of these seasons, his story fucking rules. It's exactly it's a gay Republican story. Before we move on, I did write down some dialogue that the stepdad said, because the mom is like talking about, I'm worried about Kevin, and he goes, I can tell what's gotten into him. That boy! And I thought, what a way to put that. That's a pretty good line.

Yeah, he's having fun with it. That's what I'm saying. I don't believe he's homophobic. I think he's just out to have a little bit of 2005 fun. They meet the rest of their roommates. They meet Josh, whose personality is fucking a woman. They interrupt him mid-stroke, to which Cory says, no, it's cool. You can come along and watch.

They disagree. Yeah, Josh does not think it's cool. Neither does the girl. Josh or his girlfriend don't think it's cool. They have a basement full of beer and soda for partying. Also, it's haunted and may contain a magical gay vampire dungeon. Every party needs one. They go to meet Van and they do this bit where he's like... Okay, so Cory goes up to meet Van. He's like, oh, I'm sorry. I mean, Vanessa. We do this thing where we call her Van. It's crazy. Don't worry about it.

It's crazy. Don't worry about it. It's crazy. We invented a type of name called Nick. It's like shorter name for longer. Don't worry about it. You'll get it. You'll get it in time, bro. So Van shows Kevin her paintings, one of which was the time Tracy Skaggins caught her husband being gay.

And she ends the story there. Like, it's not like, and they say he's confined in the basement an ancient weathered man Who needs the touch of a young boy? She's just like wow the history in this house some lady's husband was gay And the painting that she painted of that is like a fucking tribal witch mask shooting laser eyes You're like what does this have to do with that? And then she's like tells a story about these are some children. There are also some children here who was

sacrificed to the devil and turned to ash. And then she flips over the painting and it's two smiling children. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? She's that good. And I thought it was so wild to go from like porn porn porn, like back to back to back long sex scenes were showing butt

and then it's like dead children. Yep. Let's bring it down a little bit. Bring it down a and then it's like dead children. Yep. Let's bring it down a little bit. Let's bring it down a lot. That's quite a bit. Also these children were disintegrated here. It's just such like creepy pasta. Like if there weren't sweaty nude adults

having sex all the time, this would be the exact same plot as a Roblox game. This whole show. That's very true. And not a popular one. So Toby gets back and hears a mummy voice rasping, come here. And so he just of course trots on over like a golden retriever because he's just a good natured him. Oh, somebody needs help. And he does meet the mummy ghost, but he doesn't think much about it. She just disappears and he's like, whoa. All right, that's the mummy ghost everybody

He's got to go inside and plow Kevin in the shower. It's a more gay auto-tuned evanescence I wrote down that this was exactly as weird as the old ghost lady that he found in the street Like this next scene was just like what are we doing here? It's like let's let's zoom in on the armpit just kind of spin the camera 720 degrees I figured we weren't gonna go into detail on the podcast, so I did sort of scrub ahead through it. And it is 247 minutes long. I would scrub ahead five minutes.

I'm like, we're still in the armpit. Scrub ahead five more minutes. I'm like, God damn this. They fucking that shower so long. It's like a jam band. It's the jam band sexy. It's like you fucked the band fish. Like Toby doesn't want to either. He's like,

I just saw a crazy old witch lady outside and I'm like kind of fucked up about it. And the other guy's just like, I don't care, get in here. Yeah, we're fucking gonna fuck that witch trauma right out of you. And he does because Toby is then after they finish fucking the first thing says is, this place is pretty haunted, but it's chill. Yeah, yeah, Kevin's like, I'm having visions too. Our home's haunted. Giggle. Yeah. And one of the ghosts summons Kevin, like, almost out of sex, and he mostly goes for it on his first night there. He's pulled out of it, but like, he's ready to go fuck that ghost.

I really love this, because we know, as viewers, that all that ghost wants is a little smooch. Like, it's not like, come to give me your soul. He just wants a little smooch. A little smooch. Yeah, that is a funny, like, desire for the creepy man trapped in the basement town. Come give me a tiny kiss. A little tiny kiss. So the next morning, the whole hotel crew has a fully lubricated breakfast, every single one of them, coated head to toe in baby oil and right next to the beach, just gonna sand right up. I didn't write it down. I just wrote the dialogue as torture. It's not even a joke. I was justed, it's so worse than ordinary.

It's like, good morning. Yes, good morning as well to you as well. And you're like, why even write that fucking down? Just say actor's improv or something. And it's- That's what I was saying at the start when you guys were like, no, we got to go through all the lines I wrote down. You better not keep that energy up, because that's the whole-

that's like a two-hour episode. Yeah, it's like that dialogue ends being delivered by these softcore porn actors who cannot act. Anchored by Tracy Scoggins, there should be way more of her, but she's just gone. She does come back in the rest of the show, but she's definitely gone out of this episode. In her place there's a little mini lesbian witch, Van. Van is playing topless in the ocean, so we get a split second of her titty there, like just for the straights,

little something for the straights. I feel like she was topless for like several scenes. The girl's sex scenes were way shorter, I thought. Yeah, they were way shorter. Hilariously shorter, I made note of that too. I was like, I'll scrub through this, and oh, wow, geez, I'd like jumped into another scene. Nope, blame it on another gay sex scene.

I just did hit the forward 30 seconds, okay. It's nice that they think that there's a little something there for someone else. Cause like, I found a review of this show that said, sure, there are a lot of gay people in this, but it's not a gay show. It's a straight supernatural thriller. What?

No, what? That's amazing. There's a lot of gay bars in San Francisco, of course. And some of them would like play stuff like this on the TV just to sort of be a little more aggressive. Like, hey, straights, we don't want like, we don't want just hanging out in our bar like tourists. Like these are real people trying to fuck each other.

And so, but this feels like something they would have on the TV at like, The Overlook. Where it's like, okay, this is not for me. I get the message. Yeah. I feel like there have been maybe two spells cast and about six loads swallowed on screen. Right. Yeah.

That's the vibe. Like, Buffy was notoriously like like kind of for the queers and there was more like a two to one ratio of loads to spells, I think. Yeah. It's just, it's definitely skewing in direction. This has at least twice as much semen as Buffy, I would say. Oh my god, yeah. I mean, the first, there's like four sex scenes in a row at the beginning that are just men pounding it out for no reason, just to show us that they're dating. Just artlessly fucking.

For several of them, you do not know their names. Like, what am I watching? Who is this guy? I name the ass, please. I need to know which ass to root for in this contest. So later, the hotel is having their nightly orgy party. Amber, I think, is her name is spitting some lesbian game when Corey, the himbo, sneaks up and slaps her ass. And he is wearing a glorious titty chainmail.

Yeah. Like a woman would wear in a fantasy game. That's Corey and he's rocking it. And Amber says, so you want to dance? And then they start dry humping right there before the syllable is finished. Both the lesbians are just like, hey, so you want to dance? Yeah, it was not dancing so much as like just rubbing themselves together.

And then they cut straight from that to them like more rubbing on the beach. And then we cut away because this is clearly a token fuck scene. This is clearly like, yeah, something for the lesbians too. Let's get back to the real story. Kevin and Corey meet Josh again.

This time he is not mid thrust. He is wearing a nice blazer, which he opens up to reveal that he is totally shirtless and pre-lubricated. He has lubricated himself and then put a jacket on over it. I liked that because he was making fun of Cory because he looks like a fucking asshole in his Jane-Mail and he goes, are you jealous? And then he pulls open his suit to show his tummy.

He's like, no, bro, why would I be jealous? Look at how lubricated I am. I'm also wearing something stupid and I'm fully oiled. Just an awesome comeback. Cory also has this exchange. Somebody says, nice nipples, and he goes, thanks, I know. It's why I wear the shirt. I like that.

Yep, Cory's the best. Cory's the saving grace of this whole show. Did we even mention that in the first scene he's just wearing kaiti-whities and like an open unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt? And just five tubes of KY. Yeah. Fully just, I would love to watch, like they have to cut around it, but I would love to watch him attempt to climb those stairs.

Like slipping around, he keeps falling on the bottom. God damn it! I can't get back to my room, bro! Just stuck like a turtle. You're gonna have to help me up. Stuck like a turtle. He lubricated himself into a turtle. Like a Mario Kart turtle shooting down the street at 40 miles an hour. Seriously though, everybody covered in like, it's not even supposed to be sweat. It's straight up lube. We can't do an audio description of how wet they are, you can't imagine it.

Imagine Green Arrow just having been pushed through a birth canal. So Van and a girl named Michelle go down to the beer slash hunk dungeon, and Van explains this originally was a prison for voodoo cults. And Van explains this originally was a prison for voodoo cults. I just wrote derp. I'm just like, okay. Okay, creepypasta. It's not only a prison, the prison for specifically voodoo cults. For voodoo torture cults. Now does that mean they were imprisoning the voodoo cults or the voodoo cults were imprisoning people there? There's no way they would be able to answer that question.

They're both such spooky answers. Voodoo cults were imprisoning people there. There's no way they would be able to answer that question. Never occurred to them. They're both such spooky answers. Anyway, that's enough foreplay, Voodoo cults. They start fucking down there. Yeah, it's like a half hour of oral sex. They come back with some warm soda and everyone's like, no, you're supposed to get beer.

And so Kevin, Kevin heads down to the basement that still smells like a half hour of oral sex. And he goes to get beer. And the ghost voice again comes up from the floor and he's just like starts tearing up the floor like, bro ghost voice I gotta get to it. He's so eager for this ghost voice. He heads back up. Kevin and Toby get together and they head back up because he's interrupted trying to claw his way down to the magical gay vampire ghost in the basement. And he goes back up to the party and then they also retreat to their own private sex fire, sex bonfire.

I wrote down that the beer was really distracting because they didn't refrigerate it. It was just warm beer on a shelf. They were Coronas, but they had taken like some copy paper and like covered up the first few letters of Corona. And they're not just like, Oh, I think I saw that. No, they carry them fully in frame for like a minute and a half. And they're like, God, this I'm so distracted by these weird, warm coronas that you've blocked off. I don't know. I didn't even notice the coronas. But that's probably because I

was staring at Stephen and them. They're very distracting hunks. I guess you get that keen eye. See, Brockway's seeing the light switch. I'm seeing the beer. That's what you get when you have the heterosexual gaze. You don't get distracted quite so much by the hunks. Yeah, I came into this handicap, clearly. Okay, so they've retreated to the sex bonfire, and something very strange happens where I think Toby gives Kevin a rock, and Kevin throws that rock rock and Toby says, make a wish. You know, like an ocean rock wish that we all make. Yeah. Is that, is that a gay thing? You wish upon thrown stones? Cause that's really dark.

We're learning so much about the culture. You're thinking of the pebble and the penguin. It's not gay people, it's penguins. Who throws a rock? That's a really easy way to get a wish. Every time you throw a rock. I didn't write down the dialogue, but I think I remember it word-forward. He says, what did you wish for? And then there was like an hour-long pause and he goes, oh, I can't tell you that. It won't come true. And then the other one says, I think I could take a guess. And then he kisses him on the mouth as if like what he wished for was a little

smooch on the beach. He's right. He did wish for a blowjob on the beach Yeah, they did go straight to rubbing dick baskets He almost comes but his rock wish orgasm is interrupted by the vampire dom ghost again So he must run off and obey he fully leaves. Yeah, he's like I gotta go to that cool dungeon up on myself I'm gonna leave this sex. I was about to come but I'm gonna get out of here and grab us some beer and Toby's like, okay, cool. Alright, man. No, that's weird. So Kevin digs up the sex seller's floor, which nobody in 150 years has thought to do.

Nope. Has thought to open the trap door in the floor with a ghost going, somebody kiss me. Come on, give me a kiss. A hundred. The voodoo cults didn't do it. Well, it's like wild that the house is full of gay men. And he waited until Kevin came along. Like, that's how high his standards were. He's like, no, he's gotta be like a blonde.

He's gotta be at least six foot. This guy looks short. Everyone here is like a greasy seven. I need that. I need that twinkie eight. And so he wanders down into this fully torch lit dungeon to find a silver fox all tied up. He has basically found this in every single room of the hotel so far. Like this should not face him at all. You should just be like, Whoa, a new roommate.

I haven't met you yet. I can already see your sex thing. So what are your hobbies? But no, it's of course Ambrosius and his curse. And then they lean in like he's going to release him, and you're like, oh man, how is Ambrosius gonna convince this young boy to kiss this hideous old silver fox? No, Ambrosius just drags his face forward and kisses him. So that's what, that counts?

I wrote that down, there's no fucking way this counts. You can't break a curse by stealing a kiss, it's nonsense. What kind of fucking spell was this, Grace? Your magic can be undone by an un-consenting peck? Like, he just has to say hi to a European. That is a good point. The first person that finds him, he breaks his curse within seconds. It's the worst, Matt. You're a terrible witch, Tracy Skalkins.

You're a fucking top-notch goat handler. But you're a terrible witch. And it granted him like, basically eternal life or something? Like, why is he- he's not aged once he breaks the curse and he lived for like a hundred years. He has like, mind powers. Yeah, he comes back up a fully restored hunk and Kevin, God bless him, is seeing a very hot man that he just kissed. His first impulse is to kill him with a dagger. He just straight up goes for the murder stab. He's like, fuck this.

No magic has been committed. He's like, an old man kissed him, and he's like, I'm going to fucking kill this guy. Well, he also vomits. He's like so disgusted by the old man's kiss that he vomits. Oh, god, I kissed him at over 45. Ooh. I'm going to kill him.

Nobody can know about this. I better kill him. But yeah, now Ambrosius now also has witch powers, which was never established so far, and he uses them to make Kevin cut his own wrist before Kevin flees. So he was trapped down here for 150 years beneath a gay orgy hostel when he can psychically force a young boy to kiss him at any time. This is the worst villain. Maybe he liked it.

He was having a good time and then eventually the party just got old. He's edging himself. So, Kevin wanders off from the party bleeding. Toby finds him and brings him to the hospital and the doctor says, we can tell this wound was self-inflicted, which I don't think you can guarantee that as a doctor like I wrote down I allow it Okay, far funnier was he's like has Kevin have this gay man at the gay Hostel has he ever done any drugs until he's like no never There's no way that doctor believes him

We're the sex party gay couple the drug party gay couple live in 4b So Kevin is acting all possessed only he's using the same face as his orgasm face Which we have seen a lot of yeah his possessed acting was Really really really bad Like a lot of teeth gnashing and yeah, I just wrote that he's a big dick now I didn't quite read it as possessed to me. I was like oh He's I think that's what it's supposed to be but but like I said, his possession face is his orgasm face.

We know it well. We've seen it for most of the show. So many times. 16 dives. So it just reads like he's coming, but he's mad about it. Oh, it wasn't a great one. Ah, it's just not... Too many times today. So on the way back to the hotel, Toby meets the mummy ghost again, who hands him something, and then this time instead of disappearing,

she just awkwardly runs away, even pauses to look back at him like, uh, and then runs away again. She disappeared like Batman the first time, this time she's like, ah, see ya. This is the one where she says, there's like one where when she leaves, she says, he is crying,

and it's like a really long echoey. I love that. She hands him something and it's a picture of Ambrosius. And on the back it has a little dedication that Kevin's voice reads for some reason. Like none of it makes any sense. And you're like, where could this lead? It leads to Toby throwing it straight in the trash.

So good. I might be a little hunk blind because I think Toby and Ambrosius look way too similar and I just wrote down that I'm gonna, if we keep watching this show, which I'm sure we're not going to, I'm gonna get so confused. I love that scene so much is that a mystical ghost mummy woman hands him something and like screams some sort of prophecy. He flips it over and like hears his lover's voice reading him the back and he's like,

well, this is going straight in the trash. Yes. Like, he doesn't go home and throw it away. He walks to the side of the street like the mummy ghost is still there watching. Like, this really hurts her feelings. You wouldn't throw a birthday card away this fast. And it's like this prophesized artifact. Right in the garbage.

Yeah, this is where a video game you get to the final boss and you would need that paper. You'd be like, oh, sorry. Aw, shit, I busted the game. I have to scrub back to a previous save. So Toby goes straight back to the party, which is a very funny thing to do after you're, like, your lover almost commits suicide and you're like, I gotta get back to that party. And it's still going on, like, it's been such a long time in the world. The time of this movie, like, it's such a chunk of it, you know, it's like 30 minutes at this party. And there've been

like 16 other scenes that are much shorter. I don't know, it just seemed really long. This one I'll give them accuracy on. This is a gay party. They do not stop. They go on a very long time. You find a trail of blood at a gay party, you're like, I'll follow this for four feet. But if the mystery is not there, I'm going back to the party. Several characters do that. A lot of characters find this trail of blood and investigate it. And they're like, nah, I don't fuck, I give up. That's right.

Several people find the blood and they're like, all right, this isn't leading anywhere fun. I thought this was gonna be like a scavenger hunt. No, back to the party. So Toby goes back to the party and he fights with Adam and it's revealed that Adam used to be like his bully or something But also because Toby had a crush on him. So that's their relationship is a very very dark already He thinks Kevin is on crystal meth too And I just wrote down maybe Kevin's on crystal meth like if the if the doctor just sees you and says it okay something

But if Adam out of nowhere is like that guy's on fucking crystal meth like maybe if the doctor just sees you and says it, okay, something, but if Adam out of nowhere is like, that guy's on fucking crystal meth, like maybe you should, maybe you should listen. It's like the meeting the asshole all day thing. If you meet assholes all day, maybe you're the one on crystal meth. That's the same. That's exactly how it goes. Ambrosius is back and fully restored and dressed hunkier than ever, and he is leaving the party when Cory in his titty chain mail stops him and says Stay a while have a few drinks and ambrosious and full vampire voice goes. Oh, I plan on staying a very long time And Cody just smiles real big goes. Yeah. All right. That's young

No, you don't get it. I'm a creature of the night sweet, dude. Yeah, yeah me too. I can go all night course the best! Just fully lubricated in his titty-chain mail trying to high-five a gay Dracula. Fucking fantastic. I love it. I love how menacing he is and just nobody here can read signals or understand human behavior. All they know is fuck. And then Ambrosius walks off into the night leaving the gay orgy to continue without him. And that's the end of the episode. It was four minutes of subcharm level magic vagary

and an hour and 10 minutes of gay porking. The perfect show for Hunk Week. Einstein Hundert Frankfurt. Einstein Hundert Frankfurt. Einstein Hundert Frankfurt. Our podcast is great. And with Max Malen, ciao. Doc Frankfurt podcast, correct. Yeah. The craft is not trapped, is not without. And with Maximillian Chao Say, Frankfurt Podcast? Correct!

Yeah! The craft is not trapped, it's not empty Send it to the dog's den for an hour Come on, we celebrate the all-new 37th Annual Circus of the Supremes with big top performances from Aaron Crosston. Spinning on a silvery web high above ring number two, our next star becomes the lovely spider goddess. It's Adrian H.

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