The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 218, Joy of the Quicky with Fryda Wolff

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

Seanbaby & Robert Brockway welcome back special guest, Fryda Wolff to the DOGGZZONE! We'd like you to take a moment to think about the sex lives of the DOGGZZONE... it's ok, totally consensual. Really think about it. What do you imagine? It's probably very oily, a little funky, VERY hunky... a little chunky? NO. PREMATURE EJACULATION EVERY TIME. ALL THE TIME. Find out more than you EVER wanted to know about just how quick a quicky can be as long suffering Fryda Wolff forgoes flailingly futile gambits to maintain sanity in the musty dank that is, THE DOGGZZONE. 

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com. We are a daily comedy website just like the golden age of the internet. We have world-class writers digging up the most broken of artifacts and you can support us at patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. You get a bonus podcast every week, unlimited joy, discord events, plus more. I'm the World Wide Web's very own Sean Baby, and my partner was the runner-up bulge-basket patriot in the 2018 Toledo 9th of July Hunk Parade.

He's Robert Brockway! Thank you. Here's a Brockway fact. I once snuck a Quickie in a public place using only an oversized Russian military surplus trench coat and a series of improvised pulleys. No follow-up questions. I'm going to be thinking about that, but you're right, I would not sully such a beautiful fact with a question. Our guest is a dear friend of the show. You'll

recognize her voice from so many video games, commercials, and TV shows. She's a loba and a Lady J, the charming and beloved voice actress, Frieda Wolf. Hi, I have a follow-up question. Was this before or after Columbine? Nope, no follow-up questions. And that is an example of why. Dury. Fair enough.

Well, you said trench coat and you know, I had questions. Keep them to myself now. Thanks for having me back. Regrets only. Of course. How are you holding up in the face of the unraveling empire? Really horribly.

What if you said good? So I'm really happy to be here. Really happy to be here. Cause this is a nice safe, this is a safe space. It is a safe space for sure. How far the world has fallen that we have created a place of safety. Well, let me ask a more fun question. Where can people hear more from you? What's a good plug? Well, lately,

lately McDonald's, lots and lots of McDonald's. If you watched HBO's Succession and you were a fan of Brian Cox, who was the patriarch, a lot of the time, I wouldn't, I don't know most of the time because I don't sit and listen to all of McDonald's commercials, but for the last many years now, if you hear Brian Cox tell you, sometimes it's just not worth getting up in the morning, whatever, if you hear an offer, get tea for $5. Ba da ba ba ba.

A lot of the time that's me. Nice. So I have peaked. I will never have a more high profile co-star who doesn't know I'm alive. Or work for a more visible- And no bigger client than McDonald's, sure. Yeah, or work for a more visible global brand.

So I do a lot of that. Video games are still on strike. I've lost count of the time because it took so long to get going. Are we at the end or beginning of year two of this strike? I don't know. So I've done like two or three games that are not out yet. I'm not announced for,

but they very kindly signed the interim agreement. Come on guys, bear minimum. We're just saying maybe don't make a library out of our voices and souls and maybe pay us so we can do this. And then other than that, if you look me up on IMDB, I've done bit parts here and there for animated shows on Nickelodeon and Disney and anywhere people are so nice

to give me a job so I can keep my health insurance. Other than that, I've left Instagram because Mark Zuckerberg is an evil motherfucker. And I'm pretty much just posting on Blue Sky these days where I post too much, so don't follow me. Yeah, power user, I guess I'd describe you as a Blue Sky power user. I haven't played Starfield in a long time, but I did hire you to be on my spaceship and you're like, I won't be romancing you, you wee fucker. I love it. It's the best part of the game.

It's also the kind of thing you would like usually say to me. So it's like, you're here with me. For those who don't, who aren't, who are new to my canon lore, I some nine years ago now, I married a Scottish guy and imported him. And I use him for jobs

where I have siphoned his accent not well. And- I thought it was really authentic. People are very, no, the problem, so the problem with Scotland and Scottish accents like everywhere, Scotland is a teeny tiny country with not a lot of people, but every corner, Berg, whatever,

has very different dialects and accents and sometimes from different corners, they don't understand each other. So the way I do a Scottish accent is I pick the bits I like in my mouth. I like the way they sound and I like the way they feel and I mash them together. So it is neither East Coast, West Coast

or Northern or inland. It is just trash, but I enjoy it. What does your husband think? He doesn't care cause it puts food in his mouth. Okay. So it's worked out for us. So yes, I am in Starfield. Yes, I'm doing a so-called Scottish accent.

No, I'm not apologizing for it. Because again, need the health insurance. Thanks so much. Is it space Scottish though? Is it like how all dwarves are quote unquote Scottish or are you straight up Scottish? I definitely, I'm way better than that because I practice all the time,

half the time to annoy and insult my husband, Joe. And the other joke in our house is that people ask, do you have a hard time understanding him? No, I have to put on his accent so he understands me. Often, often. So it's sort of like, it lubricates a relationship, you know, it just keeps it going so he understands me when I'm insulting him to his face. It's such a beautiful language. I think you should do the whole podcast.

You know, it's not German, so small blessings. Although I think after today English is the new German. We'll see. So yeah, today we are talking about the current state of politics. No, no, no, no. Today is going to be very adult. We are reading the 2011 book, The Joy of the Quickie, 150 Ways to Do It Now, by Kate Stevens. I don't know anything about the author. She wrote one other book and it's basically like a list of people. Like here's people that do a hobby.

It's terrible. I think it's a pen name possibly of a dude, definitely of an untalented idiot hack. This book that we're talking about today was originally published two years earlier under the name Instant Gratification, but I guess they thought it would sell better remarketed for squares. I don't think they were right because after 14 years,

it has one review on Amazon for one star. A middle-aged woman called it stupid several different ways. I wrote an article. Well, sorry, middle-aged woman. Let's unpack that. Is she divorced? Did her kid just leave for college?

Like what was the impetus to try it? Yeah, you look at the picture, you're like, okay, this is like a 55 year old woman. She got very mom hair. Her other reviews are for like potted plants, like four stars potted plant did exactly what I expected a potted plant to do. So it's utilitarian. She's saying like, this didn't work. Sex still took a long time. She can't get get through other hobbies. I wrote an article about this book on our illustrious website, 1900hotdog.com.

Instant classic, obviously. I'm an internet treasure. But real fast, I'll recap. The book suggests 150 places to have sex. As the middle-aged woman on Amazon said, most of them are stupid. Desperate attempts to fill a book, you could call them, but they all follow the same structure. Kate says something cute about having sex there, but she hasn't and you probably won't, so it's worthless. Then she rates the risk factor from 1 to 5. Everything about this book sucks, but these especially make no sense. They're lewd at public acts that carry a class A misdemeanor with them if someone sees you, so the risk kind of seems to be based on the likelihood of that.

But Kate also seems to think you can get away with it if onlookers like it or if you pay them. Other times, Kate is worried you might actually die, which could get factored in as well. The point is they're meaningless and no sane person will ever agree with her, which makes today's game hard because it is a competitive public fucking game between Robert and Frieda. It's the first annual Quickie Off of the Stars. Are you going to play an intro clip that's about seven minutes long?

Yeah, just introduce all the celebrities. All the celebrities. B. Ray Herman. B. Michael Hall. You know him from the seventh principle extra on Growing Pains. Biv! Okay, okay. So what is your turn?

I will give you a risk factor and you pick a sex location with that exact risk factor according to Kate. So for example, I might say five and you might say knife sewer. Then I go through the book to see if Kate wrote about fucking in a knife sewer If so, you get a bonus point if not, we go with the nearest possible location. Maybe a sword toilet This will be up to my judgment, which is beyond reproach Each of you also gets one premature ejaculation card You can use to guess again if Kate didn't include your location in her terrible, terrible book. If you're stumped or just quickie curious, you also get one Sex Book ABC card where you give me a letter and I list all of Kate's dumbass

ideas starting with it. Scoring is as follows. Getting the exact risk factor is worth five points, but you get two points for a near miss. This is ill-defined to allow some discretion on the part of me, you're unimpeachable arbiter of Quickie. If everyone is clear on the rules, we can get to the Quickies. I'm bad at math. Is the skill up to 10 and 10 being the riskiest?

No, five is the top risk. Five is the riskiest. I used my premature ejaculation card. God, I wasn't ready. A perfect time to use it. Like regular premature ejaculation, you just made a mess and fucked everything up. But that's perfect. So if you're ready, Frieda, I'm going to give you a risk factor of one.

Try to tell me a place for a quickie with a risk factor of one. Stopped elevator, because it'll take at least half an hour. Check. There's no stopped elevator, but I'm almost certain elevator isn't... Yep, elevator's here. So I'm gonna give you a bonus point already. Boom! Damn. Uh, okay, elevator. Nothing brings out the tiger inside like a long elevator ride after a night on the town. All dolled up in your best rags and jewels.

You're both high on the awesome time you had. As the elevator doors close, you can't take your hands offags and jewels. You're both high on the awesome time you had as the elevator doors close. You can't take your hands off of each other. Risk factor, two. I'm gonna give you two points for a near miss. Very impressive start. Thank you, I come quickly but near accurately. I am shaken to the core by how well that went for you.

Yeah, that's really good. This is gonna be a disaster for me. And I've already come. I agree with Frida. There's no real danger in the elevator. Getting caught by the guard or doorman watching the cameras will probably mean exchanging sly smiles in the morning as you leave for work. So I guess this is the elevator in your building? There is an elevator in my building. It is the slowest fucking elevator I've ever been on.

And it does take about half an hour for people. Not that I've done this. I just know, cause it gets stuck all the time. And now maybe I'm putting two and two together. That's not a quickie. 30 minutes, that's not a quickie. That's like her birthday. Come on.

How does it usually smell? That's not a quickie. 30 minutes, that's not a quickie. That's like her birthday. Come on. How does it usually smell? That's the test. Lately we have a rash of either juice or dog piss on the ground, but it's anyone's guess. LA, baby! Speaking of smell, there's one in here where you have sex at the aquarium, and the author says the smell of fish will disguise the sex. And that's one where our own Merit was in our Discord and clipped that author says, the smell of fish will disguise the sex. And that's one where our own merit was in our discord and clipped that and says, yeah, a woman did not write this book. And I think that's really good evidence that yeah, that's something a dude would say.

I'm having a flashback to when I was 15 and the dudes I hung out with were just starting to like discover and talk about sex. And I just distinctly remember Reggie, shout out Reggie Castaneda if you're out there, being like, why would you ever eat pussy? It tastes like battery acid. Apparently it's Jimbo from the Simpsons. But yeah, that's burned into my brain.

I have some follow up questions. Yeah, questions to that. Why do you know what battery acid tastes like? Right. What else are 15 year old boys looking at? I don't know. And did this come from a real sexual experience or did someone give him a cup of? Pussy.

Pussy, a cup of pussy. I was trying to come up with a non-lewd way to say it. Went through my whole mental Rolodex. This is like 1998 and we're all barely starting to be online and in chat rooms and stuff. And I wouldn't be surprised if this is like a dear penthouse or AOL chat room. Oh, we've come so far.

Was this at the Scientology private school? This was not at the Scientology summer camp. This was just regular. This was just regular growing up in Vegas suburbs. Fantastic first round for Frieda. Brockway, you're on your heels. Yeah, I am. You give me the number, right?

Yes, it's still one. This is a respect. We both do the number. Okay. God, I remember her fucking rating system was wildly skewed. Yeah. So, one? How about a morgue?

Okay, let's see if they got morgue. There's no morgue, but I know there's, let's see, maybe a graveyard. There's no morgue. Do I not understand sex? All right, I guess. If it's a morgue. The closest I can get you is cemetery. If we're a- The closest I can get you is cemetery.

If we're teenagers. Okay, Kate says, there's something about death and sex. Maybe it's a reminder of our own mortality. She's just like, dumps her brain out of the typewriter. I knew she was gonna say, that's why I went to Morgh, baby.

Or maybe you just think vampires are sexy as hell. Oh, Jesus Christ. As the sunsets and long shadows slip across the gravestones, you can feel your blood rising. Okay. So despite all the vampires in the area, she only gives it a risk factor of two. I'm gonna give you a near miss point.

So, or two points for that. Sweet. Let's see. Another thing she adds is she very specifically will tell you how to bone at these locations. So here's her instructions. Gravestones themselves don't provide a lot of cover, and actually doing it on the grave itself prevents a big ick factor. Fortunately, most cemeteries contain tombs, freestanding buildings which provide cover. Spread a blanket down behind one out of sight

and wait for the early evening when a gentle breeze is blowing and the air smells like gladiolas. If you can get away with it, bring a bottle of wine to help the mood. Getting completely undressed isn't advised since you may have to pull on clothes quickly if the night watchman hears anything. Considerations are bats, mice, and open graves. Watch out for those. Open graves.

You don't want to fall on an unburied human body. So a railer real quick against the tomb is the advice there. Yeah, with an open container. So you've got a second misdemeanor when the night watchman catches you. What do you think, Friede? Have you ever done this? Do you ever get the vampire blood boiling? You're asking me because I'm notably goth.

You are pretty goth. You know what? I was just thinking how idyllic if you had like a New England childhood where you could actually do this and if like Salem's a hop skip away, like how amazing. I grew up in Vegas where it could actually do this and if like Salem's a hop, skip away. Like how amazing, I grew up in Vegas where it's just too hot. You can't, no, no, like the most, I remember the most like adolescent nookie

is like going out to Red Rock, far away from everything and then like, to be real explicit, I got my cherry popped in the back of a Bronco. Shout out Derek Sexord, how are you? That is a very romantic story. Yeah, that kicks ass. Jeez. All your childhood friends getting a shout out today.

Yeah, I mean, typical, men who haven't talked to me in decades, how's it going? Where you'd have to go, cause it's just so hot in the valley to do anything outside and literally not die of heat exhaustion, you'd have to go, because it's everything, it's just so hot in the valley to do anything outside and literally not die of heat exhaustion. You'd have to go into the mountains, like some sort of Mormon or something, and make sure no one's around. I mean, I think I'm giving, I should have saved this answer for later, frankly,

and do stuff there. So like that, that's what I grew up with, which is why to me, maybe that's directly why I'm goth, because I really romanticize anywhere where it's wet and green, has rain, and like legit old school graveyards. So cool. You don't know what you have. So lucky. Yeah, I don't think they have graveyards in Vegas. I think they do sky burial. Pretty much. To shoot you into the sky from a t-shirt cannon.

Or like, you just get poured into an ashtray at a Caesar's or whatever. I'm boned in a graveyard. I'm more goth than you, officially. You are more goth. But again, it's East Coast. I have East Coast envy and wistfulness. I'm only, you know, I'm goth. Look, look pal, I wore an all black turtleneck long sleeve

in summer in Vegas. I did my time. I smelled bad, but I did my time. I made the effort. I've also done it in a bad, but I did my time. I made the effort. I've also done it in a graveyard, but it was with a ghost. Ah, see. Does that count?

You count it as like hand stuff. Half a point. It's not like, yeah. Yeah. Hand stuff? Right, you don't add it in your numbers, but like. I mean, you might not get a high five for it, but you'll get a fist bump.

I don't wanna talk about it. I'm just going to go ahead and say that episode of Next Generation affected all of us in weird, different ways. There was a Hand Stuffed Ghost episode of Next Generation? Yeah, dude! Dr. Beverly Crusher had sex with the Irish ghost that had sex with her grandmother, which was actually an alien. Where were you? That's the best episode. Sounds really good. It was so weird and awakened things in all of us. Uh-huh.

I went right from that episode to the graveyard. Oh, that makes sense. I was already living that life, that ghost hand stuff life. You were already four inches deep in a ghost by that point. What an erotic show today. Next round, risk factor two. Frieda, give me a risk factor two. Aquarium at closing time. Aquarium at closing time. The best I can do is give you aquarium. I feel like you knew this was in the book. I'm still going to give you a bonus point because I think that's KG Games' ship. And of course this does feature the line,

surrounded as you are by the smell of fish, no one will ever suspect. I already forgot the fish comment you made, honestly. I was just thinking somewhere serene where there's nerds who probably go to bed and eat dinner early and it's quiet. Yeah, I forgot about the fish comment. Well, let's see, Kate says,

studying the motion of the ocean has you thinking about the fish comment. Well, let's see. Kate says, studying the motion of the ocean has you thinking about rocking your raft. Birds do it, bees do it, even baby belugas, whales do it. So take a break from the seal show for a quick treat. God, every line of that was bad. Baby belugas are not doing it. She really needs to check herself. It does seem like babies suggest they're not doing it.

Like, the moment the beluga is fucking, you're like, well, it's not a baby any longer. In the eyes of the law. Yeah, that's Marine Biology 101. That can be tried as an adult, according to Marine law. I'm sorry. Risk factor five. I can't give you a near miss for that. That is, what happens is,

it says aquariums are big with families. So there may be plenty of children around. And I think this might be Kate's like measure of actual risk is how many kids are going to see you boning, which fair enough, like that's a thing to keep in mind. But I would say if there's even a chance of it being more than zero, you shouldn't fuck there. Yes. That's, I mean, just the way I was raised.

I'm gonna say describing, like when you're saying, should I fuck in front of children? That's a pretty high risk factor instead of no. That's like, that feels like speaking from experience from somebody on the sex offender registry. Right. Like, that's full of regret somebody on the sex offender registry. Right. Like that's that's full of regret while on the registry. I'll forego my point in exchange for a tiny TED talk. So fun fact the concept of not having sex in front of children is a modern idea, Neil Gaiman notwithstanding, where if you look at like tenement housing, particularly in, for example, Catholic countries, communities like in Ireland, Scotland, etc., etc., where

you were encouraged to have as many children as possible for the church. However, you live in a one-bedroom tenement house and your eight children are there, you also do it there. Or your log cabin or whatever. And that was just very normal for a very long time, which is really weird to think about. Right. Yeah, and that's disgusting and horrible

and our ancestors are monsters. But I could get talked into that. If I was like time traveling and I heard some guy say this, I wouldn't be like, oh God, what the fuck? But like, if it was somebody else's kids, I'm like, okay, well, yeah, absolutely not. Under any circumstances, in any time. You guys got sheets, right? You still got sheets?

Yeah. You put a sheet up. Yeah, make up a wrestling story. Just wrestle a little during the day as a cover. And then at night, you're like, ah, just wrestling again. You're like, okay, okay, I buy it. Go to the graveyard. You're probably there all the time time the world being how it is here's some some tips from Kate from the

book it says be discreet be quick and if you must make noise try squealing like a dolphin eek eek eek flipper I hardly knew her what's that what does that mean word I don't know I like I say, I think this fucking idiot just opens their brain and just jumps onto the word processor. Yeah, nothing else here is worth reading out loud. Another wet dream to fulfill would be the mermaid who grants wishes. I shouldn't have read that out loud. Why would you even say that in the first place?

All right. Pretty sure we're all going to regret this one, guys. Be sure to have a bag of Swedish fish candies to use as a reward for small tricks, clapping, kissing the tip of a body part, doing a waddle dance, showing how long you can hold your breath while engaged in other activities. I shouldn't have read any of that either.

OK, I blew it. It's not actually. That's word for word. I should probably make that clear that some of the madness I'm saying is from the book. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like I'm making fun of this book, but no.

This is fucking, this is terrible clown sex. You've got, you're tossing them rewards like a, you're doing seal play? You're doing circus seal play? You slap the tip of my dick, I throw you a gummy candy. That's what she said. That's what she said. That's what she said. Look at all your bark.

Even furries. Okay, now I'm super into it. I have to say, no offense to the furry community, I've never seen a furry that wasn't at least bipedal. You know what I mean? Like I've never seen a sea bound furry, even if, like most of them are mammalian, you know, literally furry types. And then sometimes you get like reptiles

or reptile Jason Lake dragons. I've never seen like a seal or maybe like a more rounder person as a walrus. Nothing like that. No one's flipping around or, you know, doing water. They're all very like land based. Somebody's gonna get some art in her inbox. Oh, that's fine. Go check the blue sky. Every time I look up fan art of something I was in I immediately regret it and that's immediately over.

There's probably art of you as like a walrusat, hold on, in a laundromat, in inside one of the big dryers. Unattended, unattended big dryer in a laundromat. All right, I'll see what I can do. I can get you a laundromat. Really? Okay. Or laundry room. But I think, yeah, let's see what it says

about the big dryers. Oh my God. Not only do you get the bonus point, you get five points for fucking nailing the risk factor. Oh hell yeah! You're at eight. You have doubled Frieda's points in that one move. So here we go. The gentle hum of the dryers, the rhythmic splashing of the washers,

the warmth and the smell of liquid soap in the air. Laundromats provide a calm, soothing atmosphere that's great for sex. While your clothes are getting clean, you can get dirty! So, um... Yeah, respect you too. Okay, here she kind of lays out how she establishes risk. She says laundromats are pretty clean, so there's not much chance of physical injury. On the other hand, if you're caught,

you might have to leave without your clothes. And then in parentheses, literally, as if like there's a saying, leave without your clothes. In the laundromat business, yes. I guess so, yeah. Also, no, they're not, they're not clean. Have you never been to a laundromat? They are, uh, some of the filthiest places.

That's part of the risk factor. Yeah, I guess that's true. The cockroaches, the old sandwiches. The staff infections. The wet pants. Here's considerations. Accidentally inhaling bleach. Yeah, that's a factor. Nobody gets in the dryer, though a that's a rookie move. The warmth of the dryer will relax you and the noise will cover your gasps and moans. So like she's in a laundromat that with other people, you're not like, oh, cool, we're alone here. It's like, I just I don't think she's been inside one. I've never been in a laundromat where I'm like, oh cool, look at all these little nooks for lovemaking. Yeah, there's nothing. That's why I said you gotta get in the dryer. Otherwise, how could this be a risk factor of two?

But I guess, I guess she's saying. Not gonna argue with my points, baby. Totally naked is probably not the best idea. The risk of interruption is too great, though you can always explain you're just doing all your laundry at once. That's probably as close to cute as Kate Stevens will ever

get. The reason we're fucking is because my dick got cold on Academy of Naked. Right. Well, I mean, that was a great showing. A terrible thing that we read, but a beautiful gamesmanship. So, Frida, risk factor three. This is so much harder than I thought it would. Remember, you have an ABC card. Grocery store. Grocery store, okay. Oh my God, they have exactly,

that's exactly how they put it. I'm gonna give you a point, because it's in the book. And now let's see the risk factor. Ooh, risk factor four. Great job, I'm gonna give you the near miss points, of course. I figure because it's public and there's people,

but is it just me? But when you're at the grocery store everyone is like Concernedly making an effort to not make eye contact to avoid each other to just like not look and mind their business, right? Like do people cruise? Do people cruise at Kroger? Is that a thing? I never have. I suppose you could. Look, I don't make eye contact But I feel like I would know if somebody was penetrating somebody else while I tried to get to, like, the beans that they were fucking in front of.

Like, I would have to say, excuse me, can you disengage? You are in front of the beans. Beans is a weird choice. I feel like someone's fucking in front of the beans. I'm like, I don't eat beans that bad. But you're like, no, I came here for beans. I'm leaving with beans. I am not doing two shopping trips. I'm sorry. There's whole dairy freezers you can sneak into, right? But you I'm leaving with beans. I am not doing two shopping trips, I'm sorry. There's whole dairy freezers you can sneak into, right? But you're like, the beans. Yeah, it's the sexiest aisle.

Am I wrong? The beans aisle? I think ethnic foods is the sexiest aisle. That's what I'm saying. That's where the beans are. At least here, I'm in Connecticut. I don't know how these are. Yeah, that counts as ethnic in Connecticut.

That's where you get the soy sauce, that's where you get the salsa. Yep. She says, you're lucky if you can find the restroom in a grocery store. Nevermind someplace you can go down on your lover with a little privacy if you don't mind. I feel like that sentence meant to say something more in English, but once you admit that like the place

has restrooms, it's like, okay, well then you go fuck in the bathroom and then like you just lock the door. What's the problem? I don't know. I think that's a risk factor of zero. Just go do that. You can do that right now. Listeners, if you're discovered, say that you heard there was a sale on pork this week. Wow. In order to force the clerk to call the police on you. I would beat you to death with the can of beans. You said that shit to me.

I was gonna let that slide, but what? Excuse me. What the fuck did you just say to me? I'm going to read this from the book. Kate has this theory that like everyone in the world is like a bouncer being tricked by two children in a trench coat. So everyone is a mark. She says, the easiest access to the employee section of the grocery store is to often the swinging doors in the butcher or seafood sections. I assume she meant open. Once you're through, the key here is to walk

with confidence and purpose. If anyone asks who you are, the word safety inspector or health department will strike enough fear in their hearts for them to back off quick. Case the joint quickly. Look for employee locker rooms, dry goods storage, restrooms, or a mammoth stack of cereal boxes to hide behind. Once there, use to your best advantage that zucchini or banana you swipe from the produce section. So yeah, you go into the employee locker room and ram a banana up your lover's butt. That's her advice.

Such a dude wrote this, dude. Such a dude. Yes, there's no way. You ever looked at a banana? Like, how? I have this going theory, like, so there are, in the conservative South and in other places in America where they refuse to do any sex education, whatever,

you have full adult, middle-aged, and elderly men, a lot of them politicians, a lot of them bosses, who insist that tampons are sex toys. This includes the cardboard applicators. I invite every man listening to this to shove a cardboard applicator up their ass with no lubrication. See how that, get back to me, get back to me. Send photos, I don't mind.

I give it a four out of five. You're blue sky, you're gonna have to delete that blue sky. Oh, I don't mind. Anything that gets all the worst stuff out of my feet and out of my brain will be a welcome distraction, even if it's cut up buttholes, go for it. You heard it folks. I've never heard anyone solicit cut up butthole pics.

Honestly, it might help me get to sleep faster at this point. Like a soothing lullaby. Your husband's like, sweetheart, what are you looking at? I couldn't sleep, so I'm looking at all the Blue Sky DMs of cut up buttholes. He'll say, oh, all right. He knows. As he likes to say, I know I'm married. That's the most common thing.

I know what I'm married, yeah. That's cute. Brock, wait, risk factor three. Risk factor three. I feel like this is getting pretty, pretty wild and her sense of actual risk is so skewed, but in weird directions. I'm going to say an armored car that is being robbed.

Okay. Like inside the armored car. A Cybertruck and Skid Row? What's that? Well I don't think this was- That might be there. I don't think this was written in time for Cybertrucks, otherwise that's the same. No, but we can pretend. I mean if this was written written that long ago, she might be referring to like Hummers or something.

Oh, I bet you got to save that for your turn. I bet she's got something cute about Hummers. Oh, jeez. The previous small dick car. Anyway, armored car robbery. Midst of an armored car robbery, please. The best I can do is bank. Sorry, there's no armored car.

I will take bank. All right. Here we go in the bank. Hold on, can I call something? She's gonna try to say you can fuck in the vault somehow. I will give you a bonus point if she does. It says perhaps the gentleman is interested in making a deposit. I bet you would have called that

if you thought that for a second. Or the lady will do anything to get her loan approved with so much money around. No wonder your lust is stirred. Risk factor of four. I'm gonna give you those near miss points. All right. Up to 10 points.

Perils here include being locked in a safe overnight. Ha ha. All right, right off the bat. I'll get you that point and then I'll get back to reading. More plausibly, being caught on tape by any one of a thousand hidden security cameras. Security may interpret your escapades as a distraction for an imminent robbery attempt.

So take care of Bonnie and Clyde. It's only a four? Only a four. You might get murdered for trying to rob a bank. Risk factor four. Your best, okay, now here's, she really lays out, again, these are real instructions she's giving readers. Your best bet here is to tell the bankers you're interested in purchasing a safe deposit

box. Then you have a reason to be left alone in a room with some privacy. So come back to be left alone, or sorry, so come back with your lover and tell the manager you'd like to put something in your box and that you may need a little time. You and your lover may still be caught on camera, but such are the voyeuristic pleasures of high-risk quickies. The manager will likely wait until you are finished, then cordially ask you to take your box elsewhere,

like a mattress at home. But he'll wait. He's gonna be like, hold. Hold. He's gonna finish. He has come, let's go. Here's some considerations. This is when she does her little, uh, zinger. It's a perfect time for the guy to say,

this is a stick-up, and for the gal to respond, it certainly is. So you're supposed to memorize these lines, these one-liners from the book, and then go into the bank? And now you say your thing, honey! Right. All right, well, gonna get the old dick out. What spontaneous lovemaking we do. What a disaster. What terrible sex, what terrible people. Again, I think this is probably a 16 year

old boy. Yeah. We're gonna do a risk factor four. Frida, it is your turn to pick. Playground. Why do I want to have sex in front of children? Can I take an answer back? That's gonna be a five. I wanted to be more specific and I was thinking park, and I wanted to be more specific, and I was thinking park at night. Oh, I regret everything. I promise it's going to be in there though. There is no playground. No? Is there a park?

There is a park. Okay, that's gotta be it. Okay, we'll have to do park. I'll take park. Risk factor three, I'm going gonna give you the near miss points Only a three, let's see what she says. Um, this is a quote from the book. Ah the park Oh Italy our love for life! What a lovely spot to go for a stroll, have a picnic, skip stones in the pond, or get both hands down your lover's pants!

Oh! The French are fond of doing it en plein air, so give it a whirl! Risk factor three, depends on the park. Not all parks have roaming rangers, straying kids, wandering dogs, or some dude asking if you've seen his football anywhere. Oh God, okay, considerations. Your man's suggestion to have sex in a park

may take you to a baseball park. Tell him you'll only go to second base. Graveyard ghost rules. Does she, they mention like the night or day cycle? Cause I feel like that should have some bearing on risk factor, no? Well, let me read the do it now instructions. The bigger the park, the better.

Remember that in addition to the little park down the street with the swing set, there are state and national parks that are the size of some small towns. These parks afford plenty of room and plenty of hiding spaces. You might also seek out a nudist park or even a private park." So I think they wrote this book almost as if it was a checklist for an adventurous couple, so you could check off park through technicalities.

And a lot of these in the book are like having sex in an inner tube. It's like, yeah, you go in the river and you do this, but you could also just throw the inner tube on your bedroom floor and fuck on the inner tube. And then that would count. You could check that off of your quickie book. Yeah. What are we doing? What is this if we're doing technicalities? I agree. I agree completely. You could own a grocery store and close it down for the night if you really need to fuck in the grocery store. Some of them have suggestions like that. Like the one about strippers is like, buy a strip club, and then the

strippers will have to have sex with you. What is this? I agree. This is like a it's a high stakes sex scavenger hunt for laymen. Now I think it's a middle schooler because if a middle schooler thinks the way strip clubs work is that you you own buy one own one and they have to have sex with you. I just don't feel like they've reached adulthood. Yeah, it's cynical in a way that isn't based on any reality. Like, I'm sure that's happened.

You could probably make it happen, but also like it's very against the law. It carries its own risk factor. I think maybe an employee might say, hey, carries its own risk factor. I think maybe an employee might say, hey, officials of any capacity, my boss just tried to sexually assault me. And they're like, oh, yeah, you're not allowed to do that. Yet, says Trump's administration. Brought it back to the politics. You get a bonus point. So we are, are we on risk factor four? Yeah. All right your turn for a risk factor for a Brock way Okay public swimming pool during senior lap hour

because Because look they're real focused on what they're doing because it's hard and it's high stakes They can't see very well and They're super slow. So you could pick a lane when they, and you could probably finish by the time they get to the end. Absolutely. And pool water is the best lubricant, am I right, Frida? Especially during senior lap hour. From experience, mediocre.

I did see Swing Set while I was looking for swimming pool. We could have used that for playground. Yeah, that counts for playground. I might go back and give Frida a point. I'm going to try to find pool, pool table, public swimming pool. I found it. That's the exact wording I used.

It's summer. You and your significant other are poolside, surrounded on all sides by families, lifeguards, and oblivious sunbathers. The sun beats down. You start sweating and decide that not only is it time to take a dip, it's time to get busy. It's time to take a dip in your lover.

Risk Factor 2, I can't give you near-miss points for that. To? What? And the way they describe it, you're gonna get caught by everybody. By families, specifically said families. And they didn't even say like, oh, go late at night. She said it's the middle of the day. Alright. Middle of the day. Serenity on all sides, her exact words. Risk factor two, the situation doesn't present much

in the way of physical danger. Nothing worse than the bugs you could pick up from swimming in a public pool to begin with. However, you could get thrown out, or worst case, arrested for public indecency. So risk factor two. Risk factor two. Pretty good chance of going to jail.

Considerations, I swear to God, it's just five words. Kate Stevens says, curious kids with dive masks, those are your considerations. Getting a close up on that penetration. Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you? All right, here's the best way to get away with a deed. I'm reading the book now.

Leaning up against the side of the pool is far too obvious and sure to announce your intentions throughout the pool. Instead, try the following. The man carries the woman, her arms around his neck, legs wrapped around his waist, loose fitting swim trunks, and his surreptitiously moved aside thong provide easy access for the fun parts. The male then simply walks across the pool carrying his girl, who weighs only a fraction of her normal weight in water.

The walking motion provides the enjoyable stimulation you need without making it obvious what's happening. You gotta pick her up and fuck her walking? Yes. Oh shit. Let the walking do the thrusting for you? This is how Frankenstein fucks. What are you doing? You know at the end of the sex,

when you get up, you're still engaged, but you're like looking for a shirt to clean up or whatever. Everyone knows that's the best part of the sex, right? We found your senior citizens water aerobics class, Broadway. Yeah, that's true. You can just keep pace while they lap. You just walk next to them. You pick one and follow.

Follow in the wake. I'm going to give you one senior sex point for that. Thank you. You're welcome. All right. We are going to do Risk Factor 5. This is the final round for all the marbles. I guess we could do another bonus round for the bonus podcast, but this is it, Frida.

It all comes down to this. Risk Factor 5, what's a dangerous place? Remember, you still have an ABC card left. Remind me, how do we use that? You just tell me a letter and I read all of the things in the book that have that letter. No, because I want to know if this is in the book. I'm going to say church, not because it's full of people,

but because the acoustics are the worst. Noise travels. You can't fart or cough or anything. It just travels from one end to the other. That's true. That's a very impressive choice that is in the book. She's gonna tell you to fuck in the confession booth. Everybody knows. It is in the book and it is a risk factor of five. Yeah!

Oh shit. Hell yeah. My Catholic upbringing is finally paying off. It sounds like it's a Catholic church, too. It says, if you're going to confession, it helps to have something to confess, right? And sometimes the spirit is willing, and the flesh is just as willing.

Balance out the spiritual with the physical, just like Adam and Eve be naked and be not ashamed. Just brain vomit. Risk factor five, if you're caught, you'll likely be tossed out of church. But beyond that, the Bible isn't terribly clear on what befalleth those who partake-eth in a bang within the Holy Temple of God.

So, nothing in the Bible that says you can't do this, preacher. Some churches are open during the week when services are not being performed. So this affords you the chance to sneak in under the pretext of silent prayer. If you go when confession is not being held, the confessional booth may be open. Ha ha, go for it. Scope out the choir balcony.

If you're discovered there, tell the janitor you're checking the organ. Resist the temptation to do it on the altar. That's just plain satanic. Also avoid cries of, oh God, because churches have a terrific echo this you mentioned this freedom Yeah If you're discovered you might get away with saying you are having an ecstatic vision and to anyone who asks what you're doing

Just reply the missionary position Wow fuck you fuck you so many times in particular for this whole entry Jesus Christ Unbelievable how to get attacked by a janitor while fucking in church is what this is called. You would have no choice but to physically attack. I'm just checking out the organ and like, my God has told me to kill. I would stomp you into liquid and just mop you right up. That's how I would handle that if I was a janitor.

I'd kill you and go straight to confession where I would expect complete forgiveness. Yeah, I would brag. I'd say it's the fucking bragging booth today, your honor. You don't have to call me. You know what? I like it. Here's a consideration, Kate says. A $20 bill dropped in the poor box on the way out goes a long way towards reconciliation. in the poor box on the way out goes a long way towards reconciliation. Just fucking... Give a slip the church a 20.

Slip God a 20. Bribe God on the down low. Clean up with this God. You know what goes even farther in the poor box? A used condom. Just slip it right in there. I just put my whole dick in there. Did I miss some communion crack? Because if she'd done her homework, she could be like,

stick out your tongue and say, this is his body. Yeah. That's so much better. That's way too good. Anything. We could have written this better, let's be honest. No question. I really think that the dumbest person alive

wrote this in probably one weekend and then published it twice. Like, they're like, okay, that's it. I don't have another book in me for my whole life. Rockwin, let me check the score. You're down by three. You need to have a pretty mediocre showing here to win. Okay. I'm going for risk factor five.

Most dangerous sexual encounter, under siege. We're going to do an under siege. Under siege. On an aircraft carrier being taken over by terrorists. I'm not sure they have aircraft carrier. I don't see a castle or fortress. Can you look up terrorists? It might be under terrorists. Why would you pick that and not plane? What's wrong with you? It's an aircraft carrier.

We can do plane, but it's not gonna be a risk factor five. I'm gonna see the closest I can come to an aircraft carrier being taken over by Gary Busey. I got nothing. We'll just keep all this in, Jamie. Me reading the entire books and tables contents over and over. Um...

Steven Seagal. There's something in there about Steven Seagal. I'm looking for, like, a giant cake. Yeah, what about inside a big cake? I'll take that, as long as there are terrorists outside of the cake. I'm gonna have to ask you to pick again. I have nothing even close. Under Siege II Dark Territory.

Okay. I could give maybe a movie theater my account. A train? A train being attacked by terrorists. Oh, I have movie set. I'm movie set. What? I was there the whole time.

All right, let's go. You're ready for your closeup. And finally to take that advice to get a grip on yourself. So I guess, hold on. I guess she's jerking off on a movie set. I think we've all done that. So you call the grip over and tell him to get on you. Lights, camera, really hot action. Risk factor two. Risk factor two.

I can't even give you near-miss points. Shit. Having an entire crew watch you have sex will either induce stage fright or the most screaming orgasm you've ever had. And since men need some time between orgasms, you may need to put this one to bed in one take. Okay, so hold on a second. Here's their instructions.

Advances in digital cameras have made it possible for anyone to make their own movie. In your case, don't just prop one on a tripod and hope for the best. Enlist a few people, men and women, if you like, to help you and your lover make the best home porno possible. Use multiple angles and invite suggestions from the crew based on videos they've seen or what they think you'll be good at.

Your friends may be so turned on, they'll request a cameo. Improvise! This may be some of your best work. This is so truly insane to just invite your friends over to, I guess, an orgy that you film. I really want to have sex on a movie set. Let's do it on a technicality by inviting my friends over? It's just unpaid non-union labor is what this is. This is a ripoff.

It's funny your mind went there because so did Kate Stevens. Oh, God. She says, don't let your friends unionize or production will be held up like you won't believe. Oh, okay. I see what she is. It's a consideration everyone takes in. Union-busting porno fuck. What a fucking madness.

Undersea Stew Dark Territory! Dark Territory points. Undersea Stew Dark Territory. So let me tally up the final scores here. Looks like Brock, well, you have 13 points. Freida, an incredible 16 quickie points. You truly are the master of public sex. Congratulations and Felicidades. I'm shocked. Cause I was trying to think back on like, you know, the slut eras of my youth.

I had some public sex, but not that risky. Can we play a game? You wouldn't say above average amount? Well, can we play a game? Can I tell you where I've had sex in a like, and when I say in public, I mean in quotes, I mean like outdoors where there could potentially be people.

Right. But I don't mean like in a doctor's waiting room, right? Sure. So, and then you can rate me, because I feel like I've done all ones or twos. But, so I don't feel like the most experienced. So thinking back and like, forgive me, anyone listening who I'm forgotten,

it's not personal, I'm just old. Beach at night? I'd give that a, maybe a two, because I don't think, if you got caught, it probably wouldn't be by a kid and You'd have a lot of warning. I feel like that's a safe one, right? Gotta watch out for the walrus people as we've established. They're well hung for you to free this blue sky will tell her that Were you like standing against a rock or were you risking the sand?

I'm smart sand but I was on top because I'm not a dummy. Very smart. And you don't remember the boy? You're not going to give him a call out? Absolutely not. That's an X and he can rot. No standing ovation there.

Let's see, car in a parking lot. Sure. But again, standard. This was like the only place you had when you were younger. Cause like, you were living with your folks, you're like, yeah, you gotta, we gotta go find the car. Yeah, the classics, the classics, absolutely. And that's like, that'd be like a two.

Cause again, I think- Did you ever get caught? I got caught once by a cop. Oh! And he knew exactly what he'd done. And so he's trying to act like he was there on like some sort of drug sting. Cause I'm like, all right, yeah, fucking my girlfriend.

Cause like we live with our parents. Like we'll go, I guess. But he's like, no, people come out here to do a lot of drugs. I'm like, yeah, but you know that's not what happened here. Like, you know what you've done. You can see and smell that is not what happened. Are you guys, are you kids fucking drugs in here? That's the newest thing.

I heard it from 60 Minutes. Okay, so yeah, I'd say a one or a two. Yeah, pretty lame. And then I think the last one I can think of that I remember is like, his parents backyard pool. That's probably a one. If you've like, well, I don't know, what's the eye line? Can neighbors see the pool? Probably from a second story.

Still not a lot of risk, because then you're not going to call the cops, like, hey, cops, come over here. I see someone fucking over in the privacy of their own backyard. I'm sure for some people, the risk, you know, like cranks up the titillation, but I find the titillation difficult to achieve

if you're just scared or like assessing risk. That's not horny to me. Yeah, you never met this ex, but I went out with this girl and she would like shame me if I didn't want to bang her like in a public place. Like we'd be in a bar and there'd be like no one in the room. She's like, let's go fuck in the corner. I'm like, no, there will be someone in here like

in 10 seconds. And she's like, oh, you're such a pussy. I'm like, you're not gonna shame me into this. We're not doing this. That was a dedicated comment. Yeah, she was absolutely trying to undercover for years. That was Sexual Entrapment starring Michael Douglas. I'm gonna go ahead and say public sex is fun and horny

when you're not afraid and it's not stupid. There's something in between and maybe that's just the one to two zone. Sorry, threes and up. Well, I don't... You probably know this about me. I don't like to bother strangers too much and I really feel like that's like... It's inconsiderate. A lot of people be bothered by it. Some people are like, you know, shapely buttocks, sir, but like not everybody needs that in their life. I use my premature ejaculation card. I will allow it. It's been long enough. I'm going to give you a point.

I don't know if it's premature, Brockway, because you held it in the whole time. Well, I already used it. I just needed some time to recover. Oh, okay. Second round. It's like recovering, recovering, oh, it went off again. What's my trophy or prize? What do I win? Oh, you know, just the love and respect of all those quickie lovers out there. I don't think anyone's gonna respect me now

after all the things I said about myself. You are gonna win a bonanza in your Blue Sky inbox. Yeah, I really think you're gonna, people are gonna say a lot of nice things about you in Blue Sky, privately, and they're gonna be terrible. You're gonna get cut up furry walrus butthole art to your heart's desire. Frankfurt Podcast? Correct! Yeah! The craft is not trapped, it's not empty! Send it to the dog zone for an hour! Come on, you know the number!

1-900 1-900-FREDFURTH 1-900-LUJEN 1-900-FREDFURTH 1-900 1-900-FREDFURTH 1-900-LUJEN From Hot Dog Studios, Orlando, we celebrate the all-new 37th annual Circus of the Supremes with big top performances from Aaron Crosston. Spitting on a silvery web high above ring number two,

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