The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 219, BLADESMEN: Wacky Underwater Adventure! with Michael Swaim

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Michael Swaim for a fan favorite, (and by fan we mean Robert and by favorite we mean excuse to record a podcast.) That's right, it's another episode of BLADESMEN! Ocean Edition Volume: Guh? We find our hero's right where we left off... having done something, somewhere and at some point in time! No time for lukewarm adventure? Skip to the end for the darkest of PxRNHUB's most nefarious categories!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog America's last comedy website. I'm the horny ghost of Robert Brockway and with me as always is the hot, young, very possessable body of my comedy partner, Sean Baby. I'm the World Wide Web's Sean Baby and there's only one way out for the man who knows too much.

Blood fist ate hard way out. And our guest today, he's the ARC Swaim. Swaimela! Always taking the hard way in, ladies. That's me, Michael Swaim, back releasing a video a week over at the cracked YouTube channel, Cracked! Which has forever billed itself as the only comedy website. So I don't know how that squares with your math, but we can fight about it later.

I think that joke originally started because our tagline for a long time was the first comedy website since 1958. That was the joke about it being the old magazine that we had nothing to do with. So upon the collapse of all media, we decided to be the last one. And I think we're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, true. But go visit Swainsley. Yeah, truly amazing that you got hired and you're doing that today. Look, they're cracked style video essays. They don't overlap or compete with what this is at all.

And frankly, the components of New Cracked that do, meaning the quote unquote articles, the components of New Cracked that do, meaning the quote unquote articles, oh just drag bottom tier. So like just go to the YouTube channel and watch my weekly video. That's all I'm asking. Yeah, we don't advertise ourselves as the last YouTube channel. It's fine. Yeah, go support Swaim. Swaim rules. I'll do our plugs too. Come to, we're supported by patreon.com slash 1900 hot, over the last comedy website. There's no more, there's no more like competition left. You have no choice. I don't know why I'm plugging this.

You either love us or you're doing nothing. You're existing in a void where your interests are not served. You can go visit our new store, 1900hotdog.com. We do have a YouTube channel. It's, it's, it's, Wayne's not on it at 1900 hotdog. We have a couple of tier changes that you might want to check out recently. So you might be getting cool stuff you don't know about. Go, go check up on the site.

If you're just listening to the podcast, we do have this on YouTube. The audio of this is on YouTube. If you want to watch, Oh, right. Well, say these words, I guess I'm just I we can be in the same medium and not be afraid in terms of competition. We've got to fight. No, no chance. Right. You guys are comedy. I'm more of an edutainment infotainment situation. So you know, Sean's right. It's a this podcast.

It's funny like you guys. It's been kicked. I'm not edgy funny like you guys. It's been kicked out. I'm not 90s underground David Cross funny. Fuckin'. This counterculture's got us all bugaboo. No, the joke I was going to make was that if every tenth pod you listen to, they mail you a hot dog now, which is nice. But I did want to ask if you're allowed to say or you can tell me off, Mike, if you're not comfortable, because we're thinking about it, is that merch store worth the like do you get ROI on that? Is it worth keeping up?

Monetarily, I don't care if the fans enjoy it. I mean the money. Oh, that's a broccoli. Yeah I mean it depends you get to you get to set it depends. There's some hard work behind it though I imagine we're not making money, but I think it's nice to give people the opportunity to like, you know, wear something they enjoy. I think it's a nice conversation starter if someone says, hey, what the fuck is that on your shirt? And then they take 90 minutes explaining what 1-900-HOTDOG is to strangers. Yeah, we're making enough money

to pay our artists very well, is what we're doing. That's cool. Yeah, well, we have a merch store that exists, and you know, the shirts cost $35, every time we sell one we get 14 cents. Like, there's just no way to... Oh, ours is way better than that. No, come to ours. Great, good for you. It's a hassle to set up, but it's way better than that once you get going.

Let's get into it. Today we're talking about the Blue Comet Press comic book, Bladesman Under Sea, from my favorite indie comics lunatic Craig Stormon. If this sounds familiar, it's because we had Swam on last time to discuss Bladesman, which is the first series, I guess. It was Blue Comet's attempt to capitalize on the sword and sorcery trend years too late, like early 90s too late. I didn't remember a lot of that podcast, which is just what happens as you're making stuff. You just forget things you write about and talk about. Which is bad because this comic seems to think I remember every single fucking detail of that other comic.

They just jump right in with like, hey, of course you remember all these characters, you remember everything that happened. Here we go. I'll give you a little primer as we get going. But yeah, see, see Craig Storm on one of my favorite things, one of my favorite things wrong with his brain, uh, there's a lot, there's a lot wrong with his brain, is that he'd seem to think if there's any change at all in a comic book, you need to end that comic book and start a new series. Right, right. So like the X-Men

go to Hawaii? No, it's called X-Men Hawaii now. It's a new series. It might only run for one issue and then they leave Hawaii and you've got to start X-Men playing right home. What's great is that he says very- word for word he says one thing you should know. If it's plain that you're holding an excellent book in your hands, you can expect another great book every month from Blue Comet Press. And it's just weird that he keeps assuring us he's not gonna do the one thing he's definitely gonna do. This is the guy who cancels all his comics, and that's fine, go ahead. But why go out of your way to specifically tell us he won't?

That's the strange part, is every comic starts with, this will be here forever, guys. Issue 250, here we come. You described it as a series. Two points is technically a series. But if I recall, it was only issue zero and issue one. There might have been an issue, too. It might have been three.

But regardless, I love that he also in that letter is explaining how his business is falling apart. And he's like, yeah, getting his stuff published through now a shell parent company that also is on the brink of collapse. Hold on, hold on. We'll get to we'll get to the editorial in a second here. Yeah, sorry, sorry.

But to your original point, every time there's a lore thing that makes no sense out of context, it will literally just say Bladesman one. Just like go check it, you know, go check it out. We're committing the same sin as Craig Zont and Bladesman and assuming that everybody knows everything about what we're talking about. Fair enough. What is the Bladesman? Well, Craig Stormont first, he's who we're talking about. He's a frustrated maniac with no tolerance for his employees, including his main employee, Craig Stormont. He's the owner, publisher, lead writer, and artist for Blue Comet Press. It's like almost a Vanity Press kind of thing. He does have employees, so it's not full Vanity Press. He is trying, I don't think his best. And yet no one's harder on him than himself.

Yeah. But he won't shape up. He keeps starting comic books. He gives himself one, maybe two issues and cancels them. And he goes, you're right, this fucking sucks. Yeah, and he will often apologize in what we started talking about there, which are his absolutely unhinged editorials. Well, I think as someone who's made a lot of things, I think I can smell on him that these are the fun ideas. When you first start a project, you're like, oh, the world's going to be like this,

and he'll have a lizard best friend. And you're like, you're just throwing ideas down. And then it gets to the part where you're like, oh shit, I need a story arc for their first adventure and like, oh, I need an ending for this. And that's the tough, that's the work. And I think Craig's like, you know how a way around that is just to cut everything off at issue one

when you're just doing those Rob Liefeld character intros like the toughest man in the world His hands are knives. He's got a name and then you're done. You don't have to think about that guy anymore I want to make issue one correction. Sometimes it is canceled in issue zero. That's true Zoran the storm Star Warrior canceled after issue zero. Yes, we'll never will not quite get to one issue Bladesman was one of their flagship titles, meaning it had three issues, which we discussed on the first podcast. Only one of those issues was the other two issues put together, only subtracting about ten pages, so that probably doesn't count. So now he relaunched it for issue two, technically, because they went underwater, but it's the same characters, it's the same world, it's the same storyline.

He literally said, this can't be the same comic book if they're underwater. Everyone is wet. Everyone will be confused. I don't disagree with that at all. It's time to relaunch it. Yeah. If they're underwater, it's a new title. First of all, I want to talk about the cover of Bladesman Undersea. It is very plain to me. The way the title is just hyphen the title is split with a hyphen in front of like a monster. It's written in tiny font, crammed at the top. They forgot to factor in a title.

They forgot to factor in a title. They absolutely did. And it's crammed on there. Probably the last thing they remembered to do was put Bladesman under hyphen C up at the top. And it's just... It also could have been completely unrelated pinup that they're like, let's use this as the cover. And then like, we're not really a place for a title that fuck it. No, it's it's either this or draw a whole new thing. So we're doing this. They also apparently shelled out the big buck like their big pull, as he mentioned several times,

is that a dark horse artist did the cover this time. So it is notably, well... It's pretty good. I would say the art throughout, by better, it's this weird kind of art where you're like, well, there are a lot of lines, but... It kind of distracts the eye, or all the lines have exactly the same weight,

so it ends up just looking like a kaleidoscopic mess of black and white. But the art style definitely looks different than last time. Hey, there's a reason for that, and the art style is by the Dark Horse artist. However, the inks... Craig Storm on, baby. Yeah, that's funny that the art's kind of good except for the inks. I bet he ruined it. I bet he really pissed that guy off, and we can find out about it in the editorial of whatever comic happened after this one. Like I said, this editorial is somewhat tame. It is quite funny that he announces, this will go on forever, baby, and it did not.

He has some other news here, where he says that if you've noticed a new logo on some of the covers, it's because they're partnering with Heroic, which is going to distribute them just all across the known world. It's gonna be such a huge deal if all goes well. I did some research, it did not go well. Damn. Everything's aspirational. Nothing is like a confident plan set in stone,

which I feel like is business rule number one, is you lie even if that isn't true. Like this is what we're gonna do. But instead he's always like, I mean, God, God willing, knock on wood, there'll be more issues to this, but we'll see. Mark my words, by next year, there'll be popsicle spinoffs of all these characters.

Maybe, if it works out, we'll see. I've got another lie upcoming. He says we have some fabulous, super interesting and well done miniseries coming. I mean, that is a lie, but that's not the one I'm talking about. As well as some great one shots and other projects. Please don't miss Death Row number one on sale now. It's the first of a three issue miniseries featuring what I believe to be the best characters we've created yet.

I want to know, do you know, like what are their powers? Do you know the premise of Death Row at all? Death Row is like, what's his name? It's like a Deathlock. He's like an undead zombie cyborg guy. I do have all two issues of Death Row. Damn, didn't quite make it to the promised three.

I don't know, two is somehow funnier than one when you promise three. You couldn't get that last one out? What happened on the third? You've already proven you're not above editing the second one and reprinting it as issue three. You just do that? Yeah. Anyway, he ends this editorial by saying, one thing you should know, if it's plain

that you're holding an excellent book in your hands, you can expect another great book every month from Blue Comet Press. We guarantee you'll never be sorry or upset over quality in a Blue Comet Press title. And if you ever are, write to me. But maybe you will be. Yeah. And if you ever are, write to me,

and I'll see what I can do to make you happy, okay? I'll do my best. We'll see how it goes. That's literally what he says, word for word. If you are. Look, I'm gonna go with the flow guy, you know? Just fucking, just tell me what you don't like then. I took that Jim Carrey yes vow.

That's sort of how I'm doing this year. So, you know, you just, that just made me realize that that's also his storytelling instincts, because people who didn't hear the first episode, he's the master of no stakes whatsoever and that trend continues beautifully in this where like every time there could be tension, someone's like, no, no, no, nevermind.

I did magic and it didn't even happen. Like that bounced off of me, my laser shield, so that's fine. So if you don't remember the first podcast, the Bladesmen were the greatest swordsmen from around the world of Chonome! King of Darkore, King of Darkonia, became trapped in a crystal by the evil sorceress Arcella!

Basically, because the Bladesmen are a bunch of fuck-ups, that crystal was destroyed at the end of the series. When we open, they believe they might have killed their king, which is very funny to me. Your characters are the elf Elvore. He's a mighty little man. Allegra. She has all the powers of a woman with all the weaknesses of a woman. Rakota. He's a centaur with horse insecurity.

I am a soft cheese horse. There's Rakota's girlfriend, a flying centaur with titties. She might have had a name in the first series, but she does not in this one. Elvo was written as if he talked like a Brooklyn patois. And I love that they're like, he just talks normal now. I'm sorry. We forgot about that one. We forgot the name of the flying centaur and part of the way through this comic book, forget

she exists entirely. She just stopped showing up. Yeah. And of course we have Arthon who has God's sword and it can do anything. God's sword. For now. I think he gets a new sword later. I think he powers it up even more, right? The sword of double God.

It's infinity plus one at this point. Also, they were accompanied by a magical wizard named Nemesin whose fursona was that of a hawk. He died pointlessly, doing nothing. Yeah, all their Gandalfs gone. Soon after he died, though, the Bladesmen were accompanied by a mysterious hawk. I don't bring that up for any reason. Yeah, I never put the two things together. So the comic book opens on them holding the shattered pieces of the crystal being like, uh-oh, did we just kill that guy?

Did we just kill a king we came to save? When suddenly Allegra, who is billed as one of the mightiest swordsmen in the world and really just damsels it up. She's there to be the damsel so far. And then possibly magical, she suddenly passes out and says, I can see it again, the hawk, clearer than ever. Hold on, I've skivvn passed a part I really thought was powerful because they are holding that that big wedge of cheese. And he's saying the king's image is fading from these pieces of the eye of Jasot.

Can he still possibly live? And then Allegra says, unh-uh? And I thought that's a really, really good response, because it's both no and yes, and useless. And then she passes out, which is also perhaps her superpower. In retrospect, I thought maybe that was meant to be the sound she made as her brain misfired and she lost consciousness, but it's hard to say. She's just having a weird stroke

in the middle of their picture. It's a liminal transition sound. And she sees a hawk and they're like, oh, that could be Nemes and he used to transform into a hawk, to which Artharion's like, no, he died. That was the one thing that mattered. You promised me it would stick. To which the hawk says,

that's only partly true, my friends. I'm really glad that she has this magical power to foretell the arrival of a hawk with like a migraine. She's like, oh, migraine, I'm seeing a hawk. And then a hawk shows up moments later. I'm coming handy. I also like that he's like, you're it's only a half truth. You see, I survived death.

And he's like, oh, so so it's true. It is true. It's totally true. Fine. But now, now you see, he can only appear as a hawk if he uses the woman as a battery. That's his power source. That's why she's weak and drained is because he's using her for his hawk force. That's the woman's role. That's the one woman's role in this comic book.

I'm sorry, the other- Women love to nurture. There are two women. The other one does not have lines. You can't accuse them of fridging her because we actually give fridges some power, like some resource. Yeah, they keep things cold.

Yeah, she's the opposite. Just stands in the background, being a horse with titties, which is, I guess enough. So Nemison? What-nem-nemerson? What the hell was his name? Nemerson. I think it's Nemerson. Nemerson is also called Wind Rider the Hawk, and he lands on her shoulder and says, You are the most receptive to occult energies. In fact, you have untold powers of your own you haven't discovered as of yet.

To which she says, I do? I think what, I think she's probably not going to get to them before Craig moves on to like a series about skateboarding werewolves or whatever. Like, so just forget he said anything. That's basically what the hawk says. The hawk says, yes, but we will speak of that later. There's no time to explain.

Wheel wolves, I change it. Wheel wolves is what Craig would call it. You told me I have superpowers and then you're like, yeah, we'll talk of that later. There's no time to explain. I change it. Wheel Wolves is what Craig would call it. You told me I have superpowers. And then you're like, yeah, we'll talk about that later anyway. Your power is to summon an alternate dimension where sharks fight crime. And we zoom in, and now that's the comic.

If I remember, OK, so the bird now says, hey, also the king isn't dead. All the characters that died are being undone because like Swipe said, there's no stakes. So even if somebody died, Craig will just kind of bring them back. So hooray, I think. The classic nerd shit is,

I don't understand why in Lord of the Rings, the Eagles don't just fly and drop the ring when they're down. I don't understand why Gandalf doesn't just blah, blah, blah. This is, oh, so this is what you want? This is that reality Where every time there's a challenge the lizard goes, oh guys don't sweat it I'll magic the shit out of it. Exactly. Don't worry guys

So the problem is the king's soul was trapped in that big piece of cheese that they destroyed because of fuck-ups And it was whisked away at that point by the undersea gods because they have collected all the souls of mortal men. Everything's back to the status quo by page three. So they need to slow things down. So they do a flashback. And then that flashback turns into a story about the centuries ago where the two evil undersea gods,

they ruled the world. And then there was an era of death where the wizards started to rule again. So we go to a flashback about that. And again, this was supposed to be a story about how like this king didn't die earlier today or none of the wizard didn't die. And now he's a bird. I guess now that I think about he already told before the flashback started, I'm starting

to think this writer might be an insane idiot. There's like two nested flashbacks and then some lore. And then all of that is in the second flashback. And his lore is on the equivalent of, because he makes a point in the middle apropos of nothing, of like someone mentioning also, yeah and remember that elf battalion that's legendary in our world

because they're super brave. And you're like, if you look back, and it's like Star, Bladesman 1, if you look back at Bladesman 1, in that all it is is a guy going, way in the past, there was an elf battalion that everyone respects because they were so brave. That kid's just a piece of information that he wants to present again.

Remember, I'm not just making this up, this is a callback. Yeah, to a thing that will never ever pay off. Yeah, you don't need to know any of this. It will never come in handy. And you're like, will those elves come in at the end of the story and help us? No, no, they died thousands of years ago. So brave, though. Again, you are a bird right now in the context of the story.

You were a bird that started telling me how you died. What? Why are we talking about? That's that's what I love about it. We come out of that having answered nothing and nobody questions it. They're just like, oh, OK, why are we talking about an elf? That's, that's what I love about it. We come out of that having answered nothing and nobody questions it. They're just like, oh, okay. So you're saying that Dargor's soul is being held by the undersea gods to which the hawk says, yes. Three stories ago, you mentioned the king.

That's still going on, right? Yeah. Okay. It's so very much the robot from Aqua Teen that thousands of years ago. And then out of that, he's just. Absolutely. If Master Jake then went, So what I'm hearing is, go to the very bottom of the ocean. Yes. Yes. Yes, the hawk says. OK.

So I wake on a cyber ocean 2000. I'm doing it as hard as I can. Except for he calls it the dark vault of the Nathrodene under the Sea of Pestilence. So it's actually Pestilence. Craig is not good at spelling. That's what it says here in my notes, which is suspiciously nice for my notes. Wait, wait, wait. It says here Craig writes like a second grader who recently drowned. So my notes still are mean sometimes. To which the sassy elf says, oh, the ocean and I really hate swimming.

You fucking nailed it. That's like Letha Weapon style writing. That's something Tango and Cash would say. Here we go again. What do you mean by that? Well, I've swum previously. Yeah, you know. Is it swum?

Is it swam? Let's go. His sentence ends with two hyphens, like I'm not done talking. And then we turn the page. He's done talking. He's done talking. You're interrupted by submarine travel.

So the hawk teleports them, he scatters their atoms into just a billion little pieces, and then teleports them to his realm where he says, you have to assemble yourselves and your own individualities, concentrate harder. It's a lot to spring on a guy. Yeah, like after you've been disintegrated, individualities concentrate harder Yeah, like after you've been disintegrated Shouldn't be the part where you

Transport you go. All right, you take it from here What do you like that? I don't even know what you mean by that The bird is back in human form and the first thing he does the only thing he does is he hugs the the lady. He's like, oh, there's a lady here. And he goes and he gets it. He gets an embrace. And then he just saps everyone with endgame raid gear. Just like plow. He's very late stage Francis Ford Coppola because he's like, behold, my magic impossible vision of beauty and wonder. Also ladies. And of course, I'm sure anyone listening will note the obvious, but just so it's said, he was like, really, there are some stakes because the downside is that I died and now I can only be a bird.

Behold, I am a man once. Amazing. Classic. I am a man once more. Amazing. That's classic, Craig. I think giving all your characters all of the gear that they need, especially in a fantasy setting when it's all about a quest, like, if we're going to do this, we got to go do this first, blah, blah, blah.

I just get the feeling like if Craig Stormin's your dungeon master, he just gives everybody in the party the plus five weapons in the first kobold cave. You know what I mean? He's just like a magic elf shows up and here's the gives everybody in the party the plus five weapons in the first kobold cave, you know what I mean? Like he's just like a magic elf shows up and here's your the best armor in the game. Yeah, he can't not drop the thing he designed at recess. It's burning a hole in his pocket. Exactly. He's also the guy that says, and you meet a new member of the party.

Yeah, I will be controlling him. He's the most powerful. He has God's sword and it can do anything. Oh my god, guys. Awesome. The rest of your party's like okay So I won't be having any fun. His name is Craig Stormman. His name is still Craig Stormman cuz that's the best name So he gives them all

Invincible armor to which he says you will wear this armor always it will stay on you wherever you go visible or intangible It is there. So if he forgets to draw it it's fine in the lore Yeah, he has that new that new feature some games have where you can wear any item you want But it can look like any other item you want transmogrification. You can never drop it. You're immortal and invincible Yep, what are we doing like the gods have no chance against you Then he then he tells Arthon, it has magical properties and powers, your sword especially.

It was already God's sword. It could do anything. And now it's double supercharged. There's a scene here where the little guy like holds at it. He's like, oh, I got a new sword. Before the wizard's even done explaining what their swords can do, he's already taking it out and swinging it

at a Rakata, the horse. He's like, just new sword Goofin, just instantly like swinging that shit around. I mean that's really all this scene is, is new armor and new sword Goofin. It's time to just get back, because he conjures up, he says concentrate on your swords, they are the most powerful weapon. Your armor can appear and disappear at will. Here, practice on this creature, try your swords they are the most powerful weapon your armor can appear and disappear at will here practice on this creature try your swords and then he just magics up a Two-headed dragon to which a Elvore says hey a two-headed dragon and then they kill a one-shot it then and there's like a flashback To the elves killing demons in some sort of a maze did I hallucinate this because it never gets mentioned again No, I was so sure that in scanning this comic

I had missed a page that I went back through this like 10 times going, no, no, I'm crazy because like all of the best comic books, Craig Storm numbers some pages and then forgets to about halfway through. So it'll be like every other page, every third page, and then the last half not numbered at all. But no, there's elves like hunting some monsters underground and then it stops,

and then that's it, and it's never mentioned again. I think it's there to make you think you've gone insane. Well, if you've read this much of it, you have. It's like the killing word. It reprograms your brain. Back in the kingdom of Dargore with their king missing, they're wondering who will take over and of course it could be Dargore's son, but then one of the nobles says he's either dead or, and then leaves it for long enough for the prince to go, or right behind you! I let out a gasp, I was so- what? Character I've never seen? Oh, this is an opportune time for him

to arrive. The greatest compliment I can give this comic is something that tons of straight comics don't accomplish, which is that multiple times, because of the nature of the offer the writer is presenting, I gasped or like my jaw dropped like multiple times. Because there's no way to expect this, because it has never been mentioned before. So how would you... His name is Prince Simat and he's a dickhead. He's there to be just a spoiled little kind of brat of a prince and take over for his just and royal father's reign is the long and short of it. Back in the Nemesan realm where you have to concentrate really hard if you want to keep your body, they're blasting the shit out of this dragon still who never stood a chance.

Just just fucking cutting him in half, just playing with his corpse. It's pretty funny. I will give them that. I really like how the wizard says that your swords are super swords. You got the legendary super swords, but your minds are your best weapon. And this does not come up. There's never a moment where anyone uses any kind of cleverness to do anything. Yeah, truly. The pen is mightier than your invisible invincible laser armor from the future.

Is it though? It's absolutely like that moment in a video game when you go back to the first level or something with all of your gear and you're just like, ah, I'm gonna see how fast I can kill them. They're just there. This pose is no danger. It's just there for them to blast into tiny pieces and he goes, well done, my bladesman. Yeah. It's also feels cute and aspirational and ambitious in the way where Craig

Stormont like obviously bites up more than he can chew of like, this is the maneuver to sell more toys, but you're so far from the point where a physical toy of this would change hands in exchange for money. Like, just focus, bud. Like, focus up, one step at a time. God, I would love to have seen them. They don't need like a spinoff with new kinds of armor yet.

We're rushing that. But yeah, undersea does imply like a toy line. Like, oh, gotta get this undersea bladesman. Well, we cut right to their cool submarine, which is clearly going to be the toy line vehicle. It's... I did have this. I had Safari Bladesman. I had the submarine.

We're almost to my favorite moment. It's absolutely the Nautilus. It's a big sea turtle fish, cool looking submarine that they all of a sudden get. And he returns with them. He's a hawk again. He can only be a hawk in this realm, so he can only get his his molestation on in the Nemecid realm. Yeah, he's like Zeus.

He turns to light to molest you. Except, Greg Stormwind forgets that right before they disappear from the realm forever, he says, I will take my hawk form again, as I must in the in the real world. And then he appears in the submarine as like a force ghost, as like a transparent version of the wizard. At last, one panel. It's one panel that he goes, I can only be a hawk in reality. Wait, I'm a guy again. Like last episode, we discussed these guys, I remember there was one panel where between that panel and then between it and the next panel was implied a whole

skirmish like what would be the bread-and-butter action sequence of this comic if you gave a shit was like oh there's some orcs coming oh they're all dead yeah cool they do a lot of that coming up like one frame tells the whole story yeah whereas he turns into the force ghost and instruct them on like how to use the submarine. And then after he's done explaining that, he says, well, I'm tired. I've got to go back to my hawk form now. End of that same page. This has been one page where he has transformed from mantahawk.

If you're tired, if you're tired, doesn't that mean she's all used up? Like, how did that work? She's just, they're trying to force feed her a cookie and juice back there, like, I don't think. She's just like 200 years old, please kill me. Yeah, portrait of Nemesis. You could have summed up the submarine controls a little quicker.

I really liked the submarine section because it's like one panel is ocean surface, the next panel panel there's just a few very, very normal fish and they're like, wow, what creatures exist down here? And then the third panel is like, oh, cool, we're here at a bunch of random letters completely different from the random letters we were setting out to get to. Like they're like, there's Ranch Crister Cheetah there, which is not the place that their king Sola's at, according to the comic I'm reading.

Yeah, it was like the Necrovault of Palatheon in the Sea of Pestilence. Yeah, the Pestilence, I remember. And Ryan Nemezin's like, right, I have brought this woman to a third location. This is what I do, man. This is all according to the plan. So they meet this undersea city of the gods, and we cut to the gods that live there, and they're saying the airbreathers are near the gates. Only they live in a giant bubble and breathe air.

Right. But Craig Stormon's a genius. So he knows you can't get from a submarine to an air bubble without some kind of a airlock system. So he's like, hey, are we going to die, everybody? And they're like, no, no, no, look, we have magic memory implants that the wizard gave us that tell us how to work our dive suits. So they also have dive suits. And then inside the dive suits, they have calm links. And one of them's like, Oh, cool, we can talk to each other from inside these. That's the moment that I love. It's when they go in one panel, a guy goes, Oh, we can talk underwater. And another guy goes like, Good. Oh, good. A guy goes, oh, we can talk underwater. And another guy goes like, oh, good. Yeah, good. Of course.

The bird gave them astral power armor in space and downloaded information about future technologies. And it was like an entire page explaining airlock procedure. Their centaur, some of them. So he like made them diving bell suits that a centaur can fit in. Horse like full horse size. The dude fucking laid it out for them like a banquet.

All they need to do is feast. He's like, try to poke a hole in this reader. I can't, I like can't. He covered every angle. How would it fit on their armor? Their armor's invisible, but it's still there dummy. So they have their invisible intangible armor. We had to make it intangible so that he could draw the deep sea diving suits on them without you pulling it.

For the toy line that will be coming out as soon as they get a distributor. They've received two sets of armor and have done nothing so far. Right. Two separate rounds of power up. Also, this could have been a scene where they just open a closet or you see in the background some suits hanging on hooks. No, it has to be implanted the location of the closet.

It has to be implanted by a ghost hawk into my memory. He says, here, Windrider implanted a memory of these undersea diving suits. And then he opens the closet. He's describinganted a memory of these undersea diving suits. And then he opens a closet. He's describing planting a memory. But what he means is just he told it to me and my neurons absorb that information. So I think the birds there, right? The bird could just say in the same number of words.

Yeah, right. There's there's dive suits in that closet, guys. Couldn't the bird arguably just lift one wing and indicate the closet like they would look inside at that point, wouldn't you? No, he's used up that woman. Allegra is just a weathered shell. The bird's trying to tell us something. But every word it says kills Allegra, so it's just trying to gesture. Why are you pecking at that door,? Are there are there bugs inside that door? I've used the memory of her first marriage to tell you where the suits are go open the fucking closet her arm falls off Are you happy I had to lay it out for you like that. You're killing your friend

What even are these metal helmet things? Oh he implanted a memory. I see they're diving suits We're all set. You might be expecting after all of that a solid page of psychic diving suit implants fighting a shark or something. Yeah, fighting a shark. No, they swim right. No, they cut right to the royal chambers. They're like meeting with the king. Like, after a page of all that of just getting through the airlock, it's like, ta da, they're out of their dive suits, they're out of their dive suits,

they're meeting the, and then like a little guy in the back, I wrote this standing, goes, kneel before the gods of the elements now. And the centaur's like, away from us, fool. But then, but then Arthon's kneeling. Arthon's like, no, no, just repeat it to me. This might be a really ignorant thing to say to a centaur, like maybe centaurs can't kneel, I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, horses can, but the weights all different. I guess for depending on where the cock is, you could be just putting your cock right in the dirt if you kneel. Sure. I'm not sure. That's disrespectful of the king to fuck his chambers. I think kneeling is just the four legs down. Or do you think it's all four?

I don't mean four. I mean, the front legs down or do you think it's all four? I don't mean four. I mean the front legs down Yeah, but like ricotta's penis touches the floor if like when he's standing if he kneels it's penetrating the floor I think it's right. Well based on the I'm looking right now at his at his centaur armor And he is wearing underwear on the four parts of the of the horse legs. So I think his cock's up front. I think it's where the human penis would be. Well, there's that famous image that's like technically, right, there should be a horse cock at the back

and a man cock at the front. Yeah, we'll go with that. He's got two, either way, it's disrespectful to drag him right on the king's carpet. They don't like that. I like that their tactic is to be like, okay, just give us our king's soul, please. But the evil god, remember, it's a secret that they've been taking all these souls.

And so he's like all coy about it, like, souls? I have no idea what you're talking about. Souls? Who has any souls? The jig is up, take their souls. Essentially, it's what it boils down to. Pretty much. They're pretty much immediately like, oh, fuck this, let's fight.

And then a new group comes and they're called the Elementous Four. And we know this because they say, you are no match for the Elementous Four. And then they all- With powers of Earth and Sky is her speech bubble is, so you want to fight? You are no match for the Elementous Four with powers of Earth and Sky. That's four. Are you the underwater gods? That all checks out. Both the powers is four with powers of earth and sky. Are you the underwater gods? That all checks out.

Both the powers of four. The idea of Craig Storm on pacing around being like, underwater, amazing, adding the underwater layer. You know what, I'm bored of that though. All of them, all the elements. Why the fuck not, man? That also is like a real first day D&D shit. You're like, you go in the cave

and it's the cave of four elements. Like, oh, shit. Brilliant. It's hopscotch rules that you would make up. I like the panels they introduce themselves because the water is the mistress and then air and land are both mighty and then fire is demanding. I saw this very strange word choice for all those things. Give me fuel to burn. I need oxygen. I like that the two in a row, right?

The water lady goes first and she's like, I am the mistress of water. And then the earth goddess goes next. And she's like, I am the goddess of land. Feel my power might is what she says. So really lays claim to that. And then the panel after that, the guy says, I control air

I am welcome the mighty no no no she's got power might you've got to pick a different thing can't be my vision by the way Shakespeare fans will know welcome means sky or air I control air I am air the mighty air So they try to they try to blast the bladesman, but they have their super swords powers unspecified Which can just knock away all sorts of fireballs So they try to blast the Bladesmen, but they have their super swords, powers unspecified, which can just knock away all sorts of fireballs? Yeah, all those water balls, fireballs. And just the idea that the gods of the sea needed backup, so they called the Mistress of the Sea, or whatever she called it. It's like a downgrade.

And then they're like, you know who would be handy in this situation, contextually? Fire guy. Oh, yeah. Fire guy underwater. It's like watching your niece play Pokemon and you're like, no, not that. That's a leaf. Don't you understand how the elements work? So there's an in the action scene, which is just pure a bunch of lines in chaos. My favorite thing is that the centaur Rakoto is using his axe to like knock away a wind blast.

And I think it's Arthon is like smacking away a water blast. And then Elvore, the little guy, is just hopping around furiously with no opponent going, choom choom, choom choom, chum. Just bouncing around, having a blast. I made a note that in the middle of this fight, the gods are like, you know, these guys are pretty good. Let's take their souls. But they don't hatch an evil scheme. Just bouncing around, having a blast. I made a note that in the middle of this fight, the gods are like, you know, these guys are pretty good.

Let's take their souls. But they don't hatch an evil scheme. They just stop the fight and they say, all right, I'll have your souls, please. That moment is interrupted by an ad. And this ad is for limited edition, uncut card sheets signed and numbered by C.A. Stormon. Available soon after orders arrive.

Available soon. Smooth and uncut, baby. So possibly non-existent, but I would like to point out that in a previous podcast he promised that there would be trading cards included with all his comics from now on, and I have them. Some of them new in their little pouch and everything, and there were no trading cards. So he promised trading cards, didn't deliver them, and now he's selling uncut card sheets. Uncut card sheets. Incredible. So we know what happened to those cards. You did not put them in the cart. You either forgot

them or couldn't afford to have them cut. Right. That's, yeah, I think it's gotta be that. I love how even in the ads in his comic, just tell his failing business. Like it's all it's all the story. It's very Death of a Salesman through the editorials page of the comic. Does he I don't know baseball cards or collectible cards. I imagine at least Sean must. Does being uncut help or hurt value or not matter? I honestly don't know.

I've never bought an uncut sheet of trading cards. Sure. Yeah. I imagine that there an uncut sheet of trading cards. Sure, yeah, yeah. I imagine that there wouldn't be a set market value. I think it would be sort of a novelty collectible that you would just, like a card, you could just go on eBay and say, oh, this card's worth $2.80, whereas an uncut sheet.

Yes, but I guess I imagine if it was a card that mattered and you had the original production sheet where it's gridded with other cards and it's uncut, that might be worth something more to collectors. I feel like it would be. It would be like a rare and unusual thing, sure. Anyway, these don't exist. Right.

He was supposed to include them as promotional material, and now he's trying to sell them, only they have not arrived, and I doubt they ever will at that point. Available soon after orders arrive is one of the most aspirational things. It's just as soon as I figure out how to print on cardboard, they'll mail them to me and then I'll have them and then I'll give them to you. If again, a lot has to happen. Look man, you got to spend money to make money.

And I mean you, you got to spend money for me to make money. I love him so much. I love watching his failing business spiral out of control within the pages of his comic book Stop undersea adventure to just give you this sadness dump of Trading card idea quick update. It's not working. Remember when I said you could come and talk to me if you didn't like stuff Yeah, I get it. I understand. You don't have to write. I just I understand. I got it I fucked up so we go to a. I just, I understand. I got it. I fucked up. So we go to a splash page of some real fifth grade art

as all of the characters fight and flail all over the place. Violent squirting in all directions. They make for the vault. And I guess in the middle of this fight, a couple of them, Allegra and I think Elvore, decide to make a break for the vault to try to free the king and the haw hawk to wind rider is now back despite Disappearing yeah only for the where are the swimsuits located scene

He ran out of energy and he needs to be freed when was he confinable? He's back in hawk form. They're gonna free the king who is in the vault. So they're all running for the vault They're being led by the hawk, who has suddenly reappeared. Whoops, he's dead. He takes another blast immediately. Literally one panel. Here's the hawk. And then the hawk is going,

quah, awh, aagh! As he's being melted by one of the fire guys. You might think I'm crazy for this, but I bet if there was an issue too, he would have come back to life. Absolutely. As something underwater perhaps, but then they'd have an air adventure

where it made no sense because like, why did he turn into a hawk for the underwater spinoff, right? He'd be a dolphin that joins them on their sky adventure. But yeah, as the basic like little kids storytelling problem, which is, oh, wow, that guy's stronger than that guy. Oh, then he comes in and kills him. How come? Well, he's stronger than him. It just goes up and up and up. You see, that's just season three of Reacher.

Yeah, they avenge themselves upon the guard who killed their hawk friend by cutting his head off and the sound effect they use is chunt, which brutal. I wouldn't have picked that one. I feel like the tone of this has not been like this. And then suddenly in this drawing, he like fetishistically does like, the neck is really biologically detailed. You're like, there's all this shit in there. These tubes and shit.

Not accurate, but really detailed. No, just intentionally gross. Just weird tubes and shit. Yeah. It's like, it's got its own intestine system. I'm positive if you brought that up to Craig Stormont, he would say, yeah, but these are underwater fish, guys. You don't know their anatomy. They keep their intestines in the neck. They're in the shimmer. It's the eels from annihilation

You can't poke a hole in any of this storytelling So for the first time Allegra uses her non-specified magic powers, which were never explained to her by the hawk. He died Remember he said we'll get to that later. He's dead. She will never understand what magic she has, but she uses it to call Dargor's soul specifically from the vault. And then they also have to pry open the door, which I like. No, it's also a physical door. You have to open it so you can come out. But she can do that because she has those, like, as soon as the bird dies, she's like, oh, I now that he's not eating me, I can have I have all these powers. I was going to say, was he only fattening her up power wise to eat her like a cow? You know what I mean? Like, why fill her with power if she's your battery?

Unless he was going to do it. I don't get it. Yeah. And I amazing that her magic power just manifests as the plot can proceed. Yes. Yeah. Because she's the chosen one, the plot moves ahead as expected. They get exploded by a fireball here.

The drama here is that they get hit by a fireball that explodes into the whole page. There's chunks of fire all over every panel for the rest of the page, and yet they're fine. There's fireball chunks over panels where they're unaffected by the fireball. Okay, he fucked up here. Yet they're fine. Like there's fireball chunks over panels where they're unaffected by the fireball. It- okay, he fucked up here. He wanted to add stakes, so the fire guy standing behind them as they try to open the door and- and she uses her powers to summon his soul so he can get out the door. The fire guy shoots a fireball at them and blows up the door, therefore they accomplish nothing.

The powers work for nothing. They didn't open the door. Is that what happened? The fire guy opened the door. I feel like you're being generous. Yeah, he blew up the door for them. Okay. And then so the ghost comes out and they say, Dargore, you're free at last. And he just whips the fuck out of there. Not a single one. He's no thanks from the

ghost realm loyal. Nope. He just zips right out of the ocean. There are trees under him in the in the second panel when he leaves. I'm like, Jesus, this guy's already through the abyss. There are trees under him by the time he has his first thought bubble. He didn't have any thoughts. He didn't even stop to marvel at those deep sea salmon. He just thinks, I must return to Darkonia. I sense my evil son has taken power. I must stop him. Setting the stage for what will surely be like a very Hamlet-style, real political family tragedy. Sure, surely.

Or at least a Ghostbusters ghost fight, like a scare-off, if you're not gonna do the Shakespeare. I think it's gonna be hornier than that. Spoilers. Yeah, guess what? It's gonna be little magic missiles squirting around, because that's all they really got. We'll see who's right. We'll see. We'll come back to the throne room for more just energy chaos. Literally every single character is shooting an energy bolt in a different direction. None of them at each other.

Wee! Yeah, it's just fireworks. It's everyone is Jubilee. It's an all Jubilee, oops, all Jubilee X-Men theme. That's the dream. That's the dream comic. They decide, the Bladesmen decide, we can't hold off these gods any longer. They're much stronger than we are.

Darkoar is free. Let's get out of here. So they're just, whoops, we fucked up. But whatever, whatever, he's gone. So they're going to leave when two of the gods combine powers to make a gigantic tidal wave, which again is supposed to be inside this throne room. Not really sure how... Looks like I want to say about a 15 story tall tidal wave is inside of the throne room that we've seen. It crashes down on top of them and they, everybody gets it, it's the 90s. What do they do? They fucking snake-pliskin it, they surf the tidal wave.

Hell yes. They surf the tidal wave right back to their helmets, which they specifically mention, Oh, we've landed off the tidal wave, just in time to grab our helmets so we don't drown. Hey, we can talk to each other. Yeah, it's air. Do you not understand how sour it is? They get outside and some guards on manta rays are chasing them, so at least that's something.

Then they start to make a break for their submarine and then we cut away at the castle back to the evil prince, the evil shithead prince who took over Dargory's reign. I really like this because he's in pajamas carrying a teddy bear and just like speaking out loud about his terrible misdeeds. Like I have executed beggars. I am an evil guy.

I'm doing evil stuff. Having a great day doing evil stuff. All right. He's dressed in a full Scrooge, including candle. He's even got a little candle with the with the trigger guard. Trigger guard candle, floppy hat. He's just scrooging around the corridors reflecting on all the wonderful evil he's done. When he hears a voice, he says, dog name, who speaks? I'll have your head. And the voice says, I'm your worst nightmare. Don't you know me?

Smat? I would like to interject that his name is not Smat. It's Seamott with an I. You can zoom in all you want. It's not Kearning. He forgot his name. So his own father did not remember his name and called his son Smat. To which Smat says, it's a joke.

Haha, stop it. And the boy says, this is no joke, Smat. Stop laughing, Smat. No one's gonna believe this, but he takes over his body and immediately sets off to go fuck with it. He's like, I'm gonna go put my son's dick and stuff like right now.

Dude, yes, dude. That was one of the jaw-dropping moments. Man, I was just aghast. He sees his father's ghost. He says, father, ah, a ghost. And then the next panel is him dead on the floor as his father says, dead from shock? What a sissy, I can't let this young body go to waste. I'm gonna glove fuck through your dick

some hot tail right now. Let a father never look at their young child and say, I can't let this young body go to waste. Never appropriate. Yeah, you're under arrest. Right, they say it's a tragedy when a father buries his son, to your young child and say, I can't let this young body go to waste. Never appropriate. Yeah, you're under arrest. Right, they say it's a tragedy when a father buries his son, but I would add, only if he doesn't marry

that son's body into getting laid a lot, then it's kind of a happy occasion, right? Yeah. Then he says, the father says, let's see, Nemison told me how to do this once. Nemison told you how to possess the body of your dead son? He told the evil guy how to possess it. Also, I guess he's not evil.

That's what's funny is the comic is like, this is good that this is happening. Yeah, he's the good guy. This is what we were fighting for. That whole undersea adventure was to cause this. To empower the one true king to sunfuck someone. The sun, I wanna remind you in full Scrooge gear with his pointy hat and pajamas,

a little sinister smile on his face saying, well, I may have to see the Royal Harem and try this thing out. By this thing, he means his son's cock. Also by Royal Harem, he means in their society, it is institutionalized. He has a bunch of consorts, he fucks whatever he wants. And in case we didn't mention it,

the son looks like Gargamel. So he's gonna go in there with his hooked troll dick and be like, I am literally dead. I'm gonna fuck you all now. Can't wait to get my dead son slummy seconds. From beyond the grave. He died of shock as indeed the reader probably has. Anyway, that's absolutely why we had, I mean, I'll cover a Craig Stormon comic all the time, but this is the moment where you're like, no, no, we have to talk about when they, the whole thing, this whole comic is to rescue the king from this crystal.

Even the first couple issues, that's the problem, is the king is put in the crystal. They finally rescue him. He wordlessly zips out of the vault, doesn't thank them, goes straight to kill his son and take his cock. Because his son's a bad ruler, which he's like, okay, fair enough, but he's like, that's punishable by death, not just death. I claim your body from beyond the grave and use it to defile women. Yes. Like he rushed out of there so wordlessly, so fast, he must have been in the vault the whole time thinking, I'm going to get that cock. I need that young cock.

He's that guy. He's that guy that measures his son's boner, night boners, because he's trying to live forever. Yeah, this is the ultimate evolution of that guy. As though he's a Pokemon. This is what he's what he's trying to live forever. Yeah, this is the ultimate evolution of that guy. As though he's a Pokémon. This is what he's trying to turn into. So back undersea, I can't... Well, that should have been just the mic drop. Yeah, the real ending is stupid. It's just nothing compared to what we just discussed.

Yes, it's just such a letdown. But we go back undersea where they're in their submarine fleeing from the guards. And they notice they're in so much trouble, they have to do something, they spot a small cave, and they say, quick, go into that cave, and the guards pursuing after them say, they are right in our sights, ready? And then they slam into the cave and explode,

never once thinking. It's literally not understanding. Wait, wait, wait, this is bigger than that. Wait a minute. That's all disgusting. I think they're trying to do the like independent state UFO chase scene where they pull up at the last second or pull off and then, oh, but no.

The way it's drawn, it's clearly that they buried full force with no breaks just right into the wall. The bad guys sacrifice themselves to hopefully seal them in a cave. Their last words are there, right in our sights, ready, explode. Ready, set, oh fuck! They just, they're only saved because somehow-

I'm choking on my own charred trachea. How did this happen? The only people stupider in this world than the Bladesmen are the people chasing the Bladesmen. There's always a cave or an inlet or a fjord. They'd zoom out of the tunnel saying, I hope there's another way out! Because this wasn't like, this wasn't a plan. Like that tunnel could have ended and they would have also slammed into a wall and a Bladesman.

So at no point did they ever have a plan, just blind running and luck. No, their true power is that their dreams are manifest in reality. Because this time the move, the clever, resourceful move is literally just that he wishes it to be true, so it is. It's like he, the character, has a gun to Craig Sturmond's head, like you zoom out like a loony tune,

and he's like, draw a fucking escape tunnel. And what's at the other end of the tunnel, Craig? Is it all a whole bunch of treasure, Craig? Okay, I'll draw the treasure. Yep, it's a whole bunch of treasure. They zoom out and there's a pirate ship with a bunch of treasure, and they say, we made it, and look at that treasure, we're rich.

That treasure, which has never been mentioned. They weren't looking for it. It's not even pirate times. The undersea gods were Poseidon-coded, and this is pirate treasure. Like what, and they're fantasy people. What fucking time is it? What happened?

And they're like, oh look, by the way, it's the treasure from the Goonies. We'll take that too, great. Even if you just have earlier on somebody in the comic saying, oh, the Sea of Pestilence? I hear that's where Captain Pestilence lost his great treasure. I've always... All you had to do was say, I heard there's a treasure there.

I mean, that still sucks. But it's better than this. And they get treasure. But that's not the real ending. The real ending is a small text box at the bottom of that page that says, Did you like Bladesman Undersea number one? If you did, please let us know. This is the last planned issue if we don't have a demand.

Is there a tunnel? Is there a way out of here? And I mean my life. That's how it ends. That's the end of the, because there was not, like spoiler alert, there's not another Bladesman. I got to imagine Craig Sturmond's last words will be, I got it right in my sights.

He just explodes. Did you like Bladesman under C1? If you did, please let us know. This is the last planned issue. That's always just displaying that confidence I love to see. I like that he also doesn't even add, I know it's what he means, but he doesn't add unless you like, like if you buy a lot, we'll do more. He just says, this is it.

And the line party's over boys. Well, I mean, he wrapped up everything that the good guys got the treasure. Those human trafficking victims got to have sex with the zombie penis. I mean, it's everybody wins. Einstein, who did Frankfurt? Einstein, who did Frankfurt? 1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-Frankfurt Our podcast is great! And with maximum power

Does Frankfort say podcast? Correct! Yes! The craft is not trapped, it is not without Send it to the dog zone For an hour Come on, you know the number 1-900 1-900-Frankfurt You're an astunde! Komm schon! Du kannst die Nummer! Einstein-hunde!

Einstein-hunde Frankfurt! Einstein-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun-neun YAH! 9000! The Scientist Joppo An Andy Armando Nava Autumn Armstrong Berg is helping a lost child return to their family. Finn Talzer Brandon Garlok Brian Saylor Brock Way famously loves the meat milly, is fighting a gang of fentanyl addicted dolphins. Burrito Serol is dealing with the festive aftermath of a birthday hang gliding accident. Cheddarwool.

Common Sense. Craig Lemoine. Quavis is escorting the President of the United States of America on his annual beach jog. Dan B. David Schull. Dean Costello. Delta Foxtrot. Devin the Rogue Supreme

Doug Redmond is helping a lost family return to their child Drazen Dusty's Rad Title Elizabeth Shope just taught a suicidal swimming hobo that life is worth living again Elliot Watson was that suicidal swimming hobo, now he's the CEO of a jet ski company. Eric Christian Berg. Eric Rhea. Fancy Shark. Gareth is trying to save beach Christmas from jaded elves just here to party. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches. Greg Cunningham. Haraka. Harvey Penguini. Hendrik Sorensen is getting beach audited

by beach accountants Honk Jaber Al Aydin James Boyd Jared Klack is helping a lost child and family return to their dog Jared Mountainman Jared Ruiz Jeff O'Rasky

John Dean John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Searls is trying to warn those teens their volleyball is actually a bomb. Josh S, Joshua Graves, Justin B, Ken Paisley, K&M, Kamutsas. KVH has to assassinate the jogging President to prove to the party elves there's still magic at the beach! Lane Hagood Lisa Mjahe Chappelle

Mark Mahoney Matt Reilly Max Baroi is trying to return a lost Jogging President to his worried Secret Service agents Moju Mercenary Cis Admin Michael Lair Mort Mr. Bob Gray just had his lifeguard truck stolen by a lost child.

ND Neil Bailey Neil Schaeffer Neku104 Nick Lavino Orn Rewievel has collected all 7000 lost beach children into an ad hoc army and declared war on hot dog beach Ozzy Olin

Patrick Harpst Rhiannon Russell Bauman's suicidal swim hobo Branjetsky just exploded it's not a good company folks Sarkovsky Sean Chase Seed Space Jam fan is now helping the jaded party elves

revenge themselves upon Beach Santa. Spotty Reception Super Knot Tater's Tales Ted H Timmy Leahy owes so much money in fucking beach taxes. There's just no way up at the sea.

Toasty God. Tommy G. Velo. Vuster. Waylon Russell. Yvonne Clapham just saved another suicidal swimming hobo and taught him that the real beach taxes...little something called love and friendship everybody. Zack and Ava. taxes.