The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 220, DOGFIGHT! with Zak Koonce

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Zak Koonce! Somewhere between reckless violence, quizzical boredom and a failed Rosetta Stone course, lay DOGFIGHT: Wild Tournament 3! Hop into the fight sedan, now glance at a capoeira poster... you are now wildly overqualified to swing savagely into oblivion with the DOGGZZONE!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com. We have a world-class team of talented writers who find the most cursed things and then write jokes it's like the good old days of the internet every day, dial 1900hotdog for a laugh. We do this ad-free because generous users like you would go to patreon.com slash 1900hotdog and subscribe to get daily articles, discord events, bonus podcasts. We're the best. I'm Sean Baby from the World Wide Web and my partner is bulge

Minnesota's buns to watch honorable mention 2017 the great Robert Brockway. And how far I've slid since then. My God, to think that was my peak was buns to watch honorable mention. Here's a Brockway fact. I was disqualified from a match for dousing my opponent in human blood before the fight. There will be no follow-up questions. I was there for that. I remember it well. It was my blood, some of it. Our guest created the theme song you maybe just heard.

He's one half of Oral Nuts. That's with an A-U, oral, oral, I'm saying it right. He's our great friend, Zach Koontz. Oh, shit. I'm a dogfighter. I don't know. I didn't prepare anything for this. It's been so long. I think I'm a dogfighter that works in any context. That's usually, you know, it's a real attention grabber, a real conversation starter. Today, we are talking dogfights, combat, best kind of combat, stupid combat. But before we do that,

where can people find more use of it? Oh, well, we're just over on YouTube doing our thing, you know, just doing our part to bring levity to the people while our own minds are being ripped apart by the unceasing waves of anxiety caused by the state of the world. It's fun stuff over there. I really liked your Star Wars Cantina video. Yeah, we've been trying some new stuff that doesn't quite so easily get copyright claims. So it's the Van Damme playbook, it's Double Me, and it's talking shit about aliens. So we have one that's like about the Penguin, one that's about...

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's your third W. Yeah, triple Double Me. We got a Warhammer one too. I think 11 more and you will have beat Jean-Claude Van Damme. So I mean... I've got a goal. I'm shooting for it. I'm trying to think did that start with Van Damme? Maybe Jackie Chan. There was a Jackie Chan movie, but I can't remember if that was before Double Trouble or not.

Yeah. It's Double Dragons, right? Double Dragons. There's two of them, I think. I think Double Dragons might have been the first one. Twin Dragons and Double Impact. But I mean, other than that, you were exactly right. Other than every fourth word that you said, most of it would have been correct, yes. This is pedantic 80s Kung Fu correction hour. My mind is garbage. It's fine.

I also wrote an article for you guys. That's another thing I've been up to. That was a fun time. That's true. For Hunk Week, you wrote about 1987's movie Hunk. Come on our podcast and plug our site for us. Yeah. Well, you know what? I just wanted to get in on it because that was probably the best plug for your site I ever heard. It was sincere. It contained real information, an actual destination to go to. I'm kind of blown away. Thank you. We're trying to get better about it. was, I'm kind of blown away. Thank you.

We're trying to get better about it. It's, we recognize that it's not our strength, which I've always been very comfortable with. But now that we have so many writers and we live in this rotten growth economy, we kind of have to grow with it, or money means less and less. I don't know, you get it.

I do like how you, you still like it. You still use that tone of like, get a load of this asshole. You're like, well, we got a wedge. Yeah. That's pretty great. I can't do it. But it's been five years, so I think we got, we went from we can't do it

to we're doing it ironically, and then we've been doing it ironically for so long that it may be sincere. Yeah, and the next step is doing it ironically for so long that it may be sincere. Yeah, and the next step is doing it courtesy of me undies. Yeah, I don't know. We'll get there. Yeah, I like that we have avoided a sponsor. Someday we might have a sponsor. I hope nobody hates us if we ever have to do that. But we're like of the generation where like just making money feels like selling out. You're like, I give't know. I'd give you permission to hate us if we get a sponsor.

Yeah. I mean, still continue listening and give us money, but you can hate us for it. Yeah, we'll hate you from our free mattress, asshole. You know, I guess let's talk about the thing we're here to talk about. Because it is four hours long. Holy shit. One percent of it was fighting.

We watched Dogfight Wild Tournament 3. I wrote about the first two tournaments on the site. They were instant classics on real treat. But Zach, do you want to take a shot explaining this fighting league? Yeah, this is definitely a YouTuber thing. Like Jake Paul's boxing events. It's definitely trying to be that. This guy, Jordy Wild, is a Jake Paul of Spain. So he's trying to put on his fighting spectacle. But I give him full props for variety. I went into this without, I went in blind. I was like, okay, it's MMA shit. I see there's, I've seen team fighting stuff before out of Russia. And but he was still able to throw me some curveballs. I'm impressed by the campiness of it and the spectacle. But it's a variety fight event. There's. I guess that's the best way to describe it.

Yeah. All kinds of violence. It's every kind of freak show. I guess if you're familiar with the wrestling games, it's like a child designing a pay-per-view on a WWE 2K. Every match has insane rules between two really undercooked creative wrestlers. Because that's the other thing is these aren't seasoned fighters. Most of these people have zero to three fights on their record. Most of them were probably the best guy at their local gym. Yeah, like the most I'm willing to give them. Yeah, a lot of them look like they might not have known they were doing this in the morning.

100 percent. Like that morning, if you would ask them, are you going to fight a guy in a car today? They would have gone like, probably not. I there was my captions were a mess and I couldn't trust any of it. But I, from what I understand, there may have been two last minute replacements. So that you may have been like literally correct.

OK, so yeah. Yep. The other thing is these events don't have a real talent pool or legacy. Like you can't be like, let's get the best one on three fighter in the world because like they just don't do it that often There's no training camp specializing in that what I love about this Is it seems like it's trying to reclaim that confused madness of the early off seas which was kind of like my favorite

Favorite time for combat sports where we're just learning what worked in real time Yes, like a guy would come in and say like I'm doing my fucking shoto-con karate. I'm sure this is gonna work It's not working. I'm going to die and We're like, this is the best. This has a great vibe You told me to that it's four hours long and I said, no, thank you. Yeah And you said no, no, you can just scrub through the fight So I did scrub through but as I'm scrubbing through I catch like Just images before the first fight starts and what I caught was what looked like a

soccer riot, some sort of nerd doing katas in armor, some hilarious capoeira. I was like, oh my God, there's going to be capoeira in this. A row of tubby centurions and like spirit Halloween costumes, like Roman costumes. The sequence of images that order was so I was so sure that I was going to watch someone die. Like this is like how you prepare someone to watch someone else die. That's a really good point, because I do think they've built a time bomb. Like if you have 20 matches where one big guy fights three little guys, somebody's going to die. That's just like statistically one of them is going to get fucked up. Like it's too much.

Like these are the exact images. This is what you would put on the Clockwork Orange tape if you were trying to like psychically neuter like a Joe Rogan fan. And the images you described were like, you scrubbed past the first three minutes of the broadcast. That's all those things happen within three minutes. It was just absolutely certain

I was going to witness a death in this. And I'm not 100% sure that I didn't. There may be a body in there. There is like a real dipshit kind of danger to it. Like a backyard wrestling kind of impending accident coming that is great. Oh yeah, no like intentional, these guys were such, they were such a good fighter that he couldn't help. No, like somebody just getting their neck caught in like a steering wheel in the wrong way. And you're like, why would you? Why we don't do that.

This is the worst kind of danger, because it's nobody in this knows enough to like intentionally hurt anybody. This is all beginner level danger, which if you've ever been in like a mixed martial arts environment or jujitsu gym, no one ever wants to go with the new guy because they're just yep, spazzes that don't like they're more of a danger to themselves than anyone else. For sure. We had to rediscover why fighting rings are empty spaces. That's been established for a real long time. The second guy to get in a big fight was like, maybe we should clear the whole area.

Yeah, let's get some of the debris out of here. In the last event, there was a guy and he fought three guys and the three guys obviously jumped on him and beat his ass for like a full round, but they were so bad at fighting like they couldn't get a knockout. So he survived it. And then he just said, fuck it, these guys can't hurt me. And he just grabbed a guillotine and started cranking on the dude's head. And the guy was so fucking green, like he never tapped. And like there's so many hands and referees and limbs that the refs are like, I don't we can't even see what's going on in there. And I'm like, yep, that that was fucking just barely not a death, just barely.

And that was the first time they tried. Did you for sure see him stand back up again? Because that was that is a good point. I don't really know Spanish very well, so he might have said, holy shit. That's my number one rule when I see a video of like, you know, somebody getting hurt. I was like, I need the video to keep going. I need to see them get up and make sure I didn't just witness a death. I guess the other thing that I want to talk about about this fighting league before we

get into the fights is there's a real indulgence to it. Like every match has a post fight interview with both competitors and they go back and forth far beyond what you'd think is necessary. The first event, the main event was these two guys. Both of them had exactly zero pro fights and one of them is just this insane Russian beefcake. I said he looked like a Scott Adkins movie boss. He just looks like the king of the Russian prison. And he got his head knocked off after one spinning elbow. And then he hugged the guy who did it, like, I swear to Christ,

for seven hours. Then they opened the next event with a rematch between two guys, and they did the same thing, at the stare down before the fight, after the fight. They were doing anime poses broken up by big hugs. And then it's going to sound crazy, but after one of the guys got outgrappled and completely housed on the ground, and then after they

did all the post-fight interviews, his coach comes into the ring to award him his blue belt. He's like, you missed a takeout and got completely fucking clowned. You're now a blue belt. And so then they had to do post-fight interviews about that. And so it has this feeling that's everybody's fucking birthday, right? Like everyone is like winner or loser. It's just like, I'm a new person. I had my first fight. Don't

you guys want to share this with me? But after like fucking three hours of that, you're like, who is this event for? Certainly not me, the viewer. I'm glad you're having fun. Keep that in mind that all of these little awesome events are very, very brief and broken up with just so much indulgence. Dude, they brought a roast comic out. I know we'll get there, but like... Yes. Like when I say that I didn't know

what was gonna happen next, I was shocked. I was like, I thought this guy was gonna come out for like a minute or two. I scrubbed ahead just to see. It's like, oh, this guy's, he's doing a 30 minute set. He's doing a 30 or two. It was like I scrubbed ahead just to see it's like oh this guy's he's doing a 30 minutes Do it a 30 minutes. Yeah, which is he replaced like the death metal band from last time I assumed a couple of the fighters died like some of these people were supposed to come back and they're like right No, you got it. You got a bad news boss the the pigs ate those guys. We got to do something else today

You've been working on a stand-up routine time to see if it's 30 minutes worth. Let's all find out together. Yeah, let's just I guess go through the event. The first fight, I loved the concept of it. They were trying to do like desperately recreate the world I mentioned that that world that only existed for five minutes where style faces off against style. So they had a Muay Thai guy against a Capoeira guy. But there's no rules against using other stuff. Robert called this one out. This had to be the awesome Capoeira demo you saw. Because these two dudes that came out were just amazing. Every time I see somebody about to use Capoeira, my instinct is immediately, oh, this is going to be funny.

And you know what? I've never been wrong. These guys have never Capoeira sparred with each other before. They're little near-miss kicks. Yeah. And then the guy that went for the high five and just never got it. I don't speak Spanish, but I think they introduced this capoeira guy as having the maximum amount of blood.

Was that right? Yeah, el sangre máximo. I'm pretty sure he said he has the maximum amount of blood, which I think is like, yeah, that's how I would introduce a Capoeira guy. This guy is ready to pop. He is the blood man. Just a big swollen tick of a fighter. One bronc kick and it's over.

It's a fucking Gallagher show now. They even had the little barum bow. They brought out the whole, this was full blown Capoeira. They were going to only the strongest shit. I think Capoeira. They were gonna only the strong this shit. I think capoeira rules and some people have used it in a may like Michael Pereira fucks people up with it. Marcus Aurelio had some moments. There's a Genki pseudo fight I think where he just decided to see if you could win a

fight using only capoeira but he was like a one of a kind violence pixie. He was able to do that because he was good at so many other things. He's so much better right but everyone else eventually stops acting silly once people start bashing into them and they're like, all right, all right, all right. I'll punch like a normal person. All right, we'll do this for real. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So this is a kickboxing match. They didn't do a lot of cap wear. Sometimes he would rev up for a cap wear kick and the guy would just move backwards and like... The announcers would get so excited when he did that.

They got, oh my God, oh my God, he's got to... And then he would just like immediately reconsider. just move backwards and like the announcers would get so excited when he when he did that they got oh my god oh my god he's gonna and then he would just like immediately reconsider it yes okay he's also we got all the foibles of like amateur fights where he has a store-bought mouthpiece so he keeps popping out of his mouth every time something happens and uh then he looked at it one time like it was someone else's fault that it fell out he just like he's like god damn it and he kept putting it kept hitting the mat and he kept putting it back in his mouth. Like even in a professional environment, I wouldn't do that in this environment

where I'm sure somebody was here fighting some kind of animal not very long ago. There was some toads on that spot at some point. Yeah, he ate some staph infection. Definitely ate enough staph infection to like have a meaningful amount of calories. Like if he was counting calories, he had to put like two tablespoons Staph. He fixed it like you fix Mega Man 2.

Got it. I got all the bacteria off of there. I did like how the Muay Thai guy won with leg kicks, which is the most Muay Thai attack. Dude, he's like the first kick that got him too. Yep. And he made a big old hammy show about it, too. He's like, what the fuck did you set me with? Oh, my. Yeah, like just.

And then that was so he did. It's like, oh, dude, I'm spamming leg kick for the rest of this fight. That shit doesn't look great. It's not a dramatic way to win, but I guess it works if you just take away a man's leg for the fight. It sucks for sure. You said this is the first time people experienced a lot of this stuff. He's never been leg kicked before.

That was his first. He did not like that. I can't believe there's a fucking 10 count and this is an MMA fight. Well, this was has special rules. Right. I missed a lot of those special rules. Cause like I said, my capsules were so bad. Cause they didn't want it to be an MMA fight.

So they're like, there's no groundwork. They just stand it back up like kickboxing match. I think they should have gone further. I think it should have like karate nerd judges who doc you points whenever you use an off-style attack. Like they watched the capoeira guy for non-cartwheels. They're like, nope, fuck that. There was no cartwheel with that punch, minus one point.

There was, I did, I saw no funk, no soul and that was a straightforward. So that was an accountant's punch, no thank you. Yeah, so this guy loses to leg kick. But I like the idea of trying to recreate Bloodsport. Both these guys could theoretically someday be good fighters. They weren't like, you know, cowards or whatever, you know. Capoeira did fail to stop a guy who was coming in on two days notice,

so that's a bad look for Capoeira. Sure. What was up with the guy they fitted? Like you said, they interviewed the loser, too. And while they're interviewing the loser, another guy comes there again, like challenges the loser. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's like, wait, is this do we get to see two losers? Like, is this guy just like, hey, you seem like an easy fight? I can't. I all loser rules. I got to get in on this. Yeah.

Special loser only fight. I'm sure I'm sure, Zach, you've been the smokers where like it's so infectious when you see like like really bad fighters like going at it. You're like, oh, my God, I could fuck these guys up. I got to get in there. Yeah, I feel like that guy right now. He's just feeling that energy. He's like, oh, I'm going to I'm going to go beat that guy's ass.

The next match was a ladies no rules bare knuckle fight. One of them was two and eight, and the other one was having her first fight. No rules is the dumbest kind of sensationalism for this stuff because rules don't really come up a lot in MMA. You're not allowed to bite or hit people in the dick. But again, that doesn't come up a ton. And if you're John Jones, you just poke them in the eye

and nobody cares anyway. You just poke them in the eye and it's fine. I had no idea what was different. Like I saw, oh, she had no rules fight. This looked exactly, exactly like every other MMA fight. They did introduce the yes Castro. She's from Mexico. And the announcer said, according to my captions,

here comes Mexico, Mexican blood warrior blood. And then he said, yes, Castro. So she was yes, Castro from Mexico in Spain. That is very Spanish. Maximum Spanish. I just loved it because like I can't, I don't, I didn't even have captions on so I just would hear the whole thing and then yes, Castro. It's just like, and then every once in a while, a guy would go, oey, oey, oey, oey, oey, oey, oey, oey,

oey, oey, oey, oey. Which was maybe his catchphrase? Yeah, I think that's Spanish for like, oh my God. Watching Fidel Castro kill it at a drag show. Yes, Castro. So that changes things. Bareknuckle fights generally suck because it makes people more cautious and also really externalizes the trauma.

So, everyone turns in a big lumpy bruise by the end of the fight, which sucks to look at, sucks for them. I think they should market it like, if it's no rules, they should be full eye claws and biting. They should come in and straightjack, maybe dressed up like werewolves a little bit like just fucking snashing gnashing at each other handlessly that's that's my that's my barbed wire like just explore the space like you should be if there's no rules you should be able to jury rig up like yep mechanisms you should be able to come in there and do like

electricity attacks like long yeah I just surprise gun that's a good move for an over-the-spite. If you can manage it, if you can rig it up. Surprise gun. Just tape yourself all over with tasers. Guess who forgot to check my asshole before this fight. I know the referee was real serious about sniffing those gloves, but he didn't sniff my asshole and now I got a gun.

Did you see the guy? He sniffed the gloves every round. Yeah, but that dude sniffed those assholes too. I know he did. Yeah, he was off camera. Yeah, but that dude sniffed those assholes too. I know he did. That was off camera. Yeah. Yeah, there was no fight cause for sniffing the gloves. That's just a hand thing. A little something for me. Did you put knockout powder on the... I'm going to take a big whiff of these fists and if I fall asleep, oh, you're in trouble. They call me Fentanyl Fist for a reason. Yeah, this fight was crazy because you got I knew that Yamila Sanchez, she was the Muay Thai fighter with like no fights.

She did the ultimate beginner move, which she grabbed her opponent's head and then just refused to let go of it. Yep. No matter how bad of a position she got into. I was like, OK, this is yes, this is what we're dealing with. Real green. These people know fucking nothing. They're just tough, which is rad. Yeah. Don't get me wrong.

They're tough girls. I'm here for it. But they both look like Dick Tracy villains at the end of the fight. Like they were just so, there's lumpy monster skulls they went home with for kind of a fine fight, kind of boring, but. Kind of a fine fight.

Yeah, Yes had a lump on her eye that was so big you could see it from the back. Yeah, dude. It sounds like I'm being like a sexual predator thing to say, but I was like, oh, so fat. You can see it from the back. Sounds like I'm being like a sexual predator thing to say, but I was like, oh, so fat. You can see it from the back, girl. Got that fat orbital. I'm talking about your eye.

Yeah, your face is fucked up. Hell yeah. I like big eyes and I cannot lie. This is a classic clash of styles, though. Yamila did not know how to do a guillotine, and yes, didn't know how to escape a bad guillotine. It was a perfect matchup. Very made for exciting times.

The athletic commission really did a good job approving this fight. I say that knowing there's a 90% chance there's no athletic commission involved in this at all. There can't be. There can't be. No, there's no way. Well, they would not have allowed the next fight. That's very true. Yeah. So, OK, those women went home lopsided in purple.

Let's talk about this fight, which is amazing. It is a full fucking night armor battle. This is the first time I texted you. I was like, I didn't understand what I was getting into. I thought, because you like UFC does it and these guys are doing it. They have like a warrior throughout time thing. You know, like in the intro, UFC will show a guy in a gladiator really likes rub a dust between his fingers. OK, this night is just more of that. And it's like, wait, no, he's he's walking towards the ring. No, that's got it.

They're going to they have a full fight. He's still in full play. And one guy looks like you'd expect he looks like he does. This is not his first pretend sword fight. And the other one is just a full hunk. Then there was just a John Hammond armor. You know the community hates this guy. Yes.

Way too handsome. I wrote down he is way too handsome to be doing this. This is his first time. And I believe I was correct. You might be right. He looks like a ren fair guy. It's an international look. You just, you place them anywhere in the world.

In the movies, you would bet on the handsome guy. That's, oh, that's your main character. Whereas like in an actual Renaissance fair, you'd bet on the handsome guy. That's oh, that's your main character Where it's like in an actual Renaissance fair you'd bet on the chubby guy But since this isn't this isn't reality and it's maybe not quite entertainment Mountain you don't bet on you know Pedro Pascal. Yes Another hot tip if you're watching amateur fights if one of the guys is super Jim buff He's gonna get fucked up by the chubby dude. That's just how it works out. I do like the handsome guy Diego was wearing. His frock, you know, his like knighted smock was just a sleeveless single breasted suit

jacket over his armor. Very formal. The business knight. I wish he had a name like American Psycho or something, but you know. What I thought this was when they first started it was more interesting than what it wound up being because they showed They showed the like ordinary kind of balding dude come out and he had a really comically tiny shield And then the the other guy comes out the gym buff guy comes out and I was like, okay So is this like we're gonna see an ordinary guy in armor and he has weapons and then we're gonna see

like a trained fighter and he does not have weapons. I would love, that's what I thought we were getting into. Greco-Roman wrestling versus sword. That's 100% what I thought this was gonna be. It was like, oh hell yeah, let's do this. But they both had to use their tiny shitty swords and their little tiny shields. But the hunk had like a better shield. He had like a... it was longer. He had a real one.

Yeah. And I feel like shield bash is... yeah. Throat punch shield bash is the most OP move that anyone threw. Yeah. Those little swords were not sharpened and they had no mass. They were very clearly. They did absolutely nothing when they hit. They didn't even really rattle the helmet. But getting bashed with that shield looked like it sucked a lot. So much better than the sword. When Big Guy started getting tired, he just quit trying to block the sword. He just let him hit him in the face. Let him hit him in the face. He's like, okay, well, just do nothing. He rejected the premise because he was so tired. He was like, no.

Yeah, I wrote that as soon as they came out. I wrote down there's two ways this fight ends, some bullshit point system that we don't know about, or one of them is too exhausted to continue, possibly both. I can't imagine that armor's light. I mean, I'm sure that's... No, like, your tactic should be you get in that fight, just sweeps, like, and let him hit you with a bullshit sword and knock him down because you're only getting up like five times.

Or zero times. That's true. What happened with big guy? He got fucked up. Because yeah, Honkin, the third round, when the big guy has no gas left, he hits him with a rock bottom or a sotagari, whatever you want to call it.

And he just is dead, just completely helpless. He's just like rammed up against the side of the cage, just getting unlimited shield bashes to his head. I thought he was really dead. Yeah, he was motionless. When you say motionless, yeah. I just thought he was overwhelmed with like the sheer pointlessness of this exercise.

It was like, he had the exact posture, and maybe it's just because of like the way the armor was shaped when he went limp, but he had the exact posture, and maybe it's just because of the way the armor was shaped when he went limp, but he had the exact posture of Tim Robinson and I think you should leave when he has too much shit on him. He was just like, What the fuck is shit on me? I don't want to do this. I don't want to do, I don't want to be here. That one where he's sinking into his phone when he's losing the argument, and he's just, he sinks.

That was exact posture. Yeah, it was just like full mental retreat. Bash me with the little sword. It's annoying. What are the rules when you can't actually stab somebody in a stabbing contest? Like, I don't. It's like hearing a bad doorbell over and over again. Just the ref.

Yeah, the rules are very serious. The ref was like, do not fucking stab this guy, because if you really wanted to win, you would like ram that little baby sword up into the armpit and like there goes the guy. If this was me, if this is a sport and it continues, I think I'd go in with double shield or Thor hammers, double Thor hammers. I would fucking circle to the side and just bash you, tenderize you with Thor hammers all day long. Yeah, if you're not allowed to have a shield, just go in with your hands. It's better. The hands are better than that sword. That sword was little pirate play swords. I want to try leg kicking with the armor on. I don't know if that would make your leg kick so slow it would suck, or if you suddenly have like the most impossible battering ram for a leg. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like, but a front kick to the armor, that's your move too. Yeah. But the tapping him with your baby play sword was obviously stupid. The big guy threw a headbutt, which I thought was awesome as shit. Oh, he was, yeah, he did it a couple of times. He was all about that headbutt.

He was definitely tired of getting shield chopped in the throat. That couldn't have felt good. But yeah, I would like to see more of that, but I think 25 of those and you lose somebody. 25 of those, somebody dies. Yeah, or maybe this one. Yeah, he might not have made it home.

Yeah, like, I don't know that guy ate food again. You would have to show me. Show me the guy eating food afterwards to let me know that it's all okay. I need to sit him down with at least a bowl of baby food. Like, it's gotta be solid. Doesn't have to be solid. You're right. It should have been a 10-hour broadcast just to verify's gotta be, it doesn't have to be solid. You're right. It should have been a 10 hour broadcast just to verify for the viewers that all these people made it home alive. Well, they didn't fucking cut anything else.

Why not? Our next fight is a two on two match. One of the teams is the two guys who hugged for five hours. Zdravko and Itor. And then two guys with way, way less chemistry. Oh my God. This is a fun fact. Zdravko and Itor's pro fight experience, every second of it has been with each other.

Oh, this is their third fight. So they so these guys fought each other. Yeah. Before and the last of it. OK, they split the split the wins. Here they are now on the same team because they did fall in love in front of all of us. I tour does Spanish Jiu Jitsu, which I thought was a real petty distinction. I was like, is this? Yeah. Which turns out is is actually the worst of all Jiu JJitsu, which I thought was a real petty distinction. I was like, is this? Yeah.

Which turns out is actually the worst of all Jiu-Jitsu's based on his performance. He has a blue belt in it. Zoravko looks like a fucking Russian war criminal. Exactly. I knew he wasn't going to be that tough. He was tough, sure, whatever. It's hard to say based on his competition, but generally in these kind of events, when someone looks that scary, I feel like the rule is they spent too much time trying to get that scary looking and not enough time just training. Agreed.

So I was like, oh, yeah, he looks scary, but I can tell he's got no gas tank. See, I kind of thought that too, but then they brought the little guy in. but then they brought the little guy in. See, this is a two on two match, but there are three guys of more or less equal size, which is to say huge, and then a real little guy. Like, okay, so they have to like surely be aware of this. And that means like the little guy has the most training out of all of them.

No, no. And they also brought a little guy and a 47 year old. Yes. Who does capoeira. Like another like dude, but it's every time like everyone in these fights at least does capoeira and they list it proudly as the first thing. And I'm like, you shouldn't do that. You really shouldn't. You need to save it for the very end of your list of skills because that's the punch line. You don't say it first off. If you said you're a 47 year old capoeira fighter and then somebody else says,

yeah, I'm a 43 year old chef. I pick, I pick the chef. If I've, if that's all I have to go by. Yeah. He's good with knives like something. Grand under pressure. But this does not go well. It is just stupid chaos.

They pair off and start bashing. I have no idea what's happening. I don't even know what the strategy could be here. Yes. I guess you split up and either beat your guy, but also I think if you did this enough, people would start to develop new strategies, like let's team up on one dude real quick, and then we'll get the next guy.

Like I also like the idea of clinching with a guy and then pulling him over and kicking your guy, like that might be fun to try. Yeah, that's a good one, yeah. Or you could try what the little guy did, which was to eat a flying knee very first thing. Yeah. Like he looked really surprised

that the other guy was fighting. He's like, what are we doing? Like he might've missed the bell. But then it actually ended kind of awesome because one guy tries a speeding heel kick on Zdravko and just like bounces off. Like just nothing happens. He goes flying off, hits the cage.

He falls down and he's like stunned. Yeah, he's like- Stunned him. He's like, I quit. I don't know what happens. He goes flying off hits the cage. He falls down and he's like stunned. Yeah, he's like stunned him. He's like, I quit. I don't know what happened. He shut down. That was my I've been trading with my sensei and we determined that that's my crane kick. I didn't work at all. So Zdravko is going to sit on him and like beat him up and then he sees his friend. They're like kind of fighting for ankle locks over there with the Spanish. Oh my god, this white belt leg lock.

Yeah, it was it was real. I knew you'd hate that. And so Zdravko is like, oh, yeah, but he has an idea. He just goes and starts bonking the other guy on the head while they're which helped. So his his teammate got the leg lock. And I was like, that's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is actually a really good defense against a leg lock. That this what these guys were doing is the exact reason why you're not allowed to do leg locks in tournaments if you're below a certain belt rank. It's like because you're just gonna get two idiots who don't actually know how to do one just like probably doing more damage to themselves than the other person.

Just almost tearing an ACL for 40 minutes. And you can just see the look in their face, like, what if I tried this? And they're just trying things out on each other. And this like disagreed upon 50-50. Anyway, I hated it. I'm glad he got punched in the face. Just kind of an aggressive footplay at that point. I've said it before, but he should have tickled him.

They should have incorporated tickles. There's no rules. What happens after that, after they win, they were hit with the same surprise my brother and I got when we beat Double Dragon the first time. They had to fight each other. So this is their fourth fight. Each of their guys is fourth fight.

And every second of it is against each other or with each other. I was very happy about the Double Dragon surprise. Yeah, it's so awesome. It didn't amount to much because then Dravko just. No, just just tapped him in the face a couple of times and it was over. Which one of you is less tired? Which one of you did more work during the fight?

You lose, sir. I thought this fight was funny, not just because they're best friends and didn't seem to know this was the rules of the fight, but also like I tour was like trying to slip punches like like hands hands down just slip punches like he's cung Lee or something. And he and I was like, this is not going to end well. And sure enough, like the third try it did. He didn't quite slip far enough back and he got hit in the head with a haymaker. Oh, my God, dude, I think he was just too tired to put his hands up.

I think being that way locks is exhausting. I would know he worked maybe not better, but he worked way harder and was therefore screwed over for it. Like, that's bad fight design, if that's a thing. I think that's all these are bad fight design. That's a good way to put it. A lot of hugs, though. Srako specked entirely into blunt damage rejection. All he had to do was let a kick bounce off of him and then he was the winner of the night.

He stunned that motherfucker like a villain and punch out. You've got to block at the right time and then he'll just let you. The perfect parry bonus causes a 40 second stun. This guy, this next fight, this guy does understand comic timing because he lists himself as a boxer, a BJJ specialist, kickboxer and capoeira. Nice. There you go.

Somebody's got it. These guys are very experienced fighters. This was Abner Rivera's and Felipe Prague who, okay, Abner's name is Skullman, but they don't have. Okay. So I was going to ask which one is Skullman because one of these guys, I didn't have captions on and was not necessarily scrubbing through like the introduction. So it was just the little fight ticker that I see. And for approximately the first half of the fight, one guy's name is Skullman Skullman.

His first and last name are both Skullman. And then halfway through the fight, it's changed to Skullman Abner. And I'm not sure if that's like a power up into his next form or like a demotion. Like he lost one of the Skullman. Well, he comes into the fight with two Skullmans and he lost one in the first round. He lost. Okay, that was wondering, did he gain an Abner or lose a Skullman? He's Abner Lewis in the third round. Eventually he becomes a Kevin Kevin, which is the lowest you can get.

I gotta go back because speaking of nicknames, we failed to mention it. The big goofy medieval times guy, he was a Cachorro, which is puppy. I just thought that was a cute name, sadly missed it. Anyway, big guys named- Wait, the nerd or the hunk? The nerd. Okay. Just a, which is puppy. I just thought that was cute, but I'm sad we missed it. Anyway, big guys named- Wait, the nerd or the hunk?

The nerd. Okay. Just a big nerd named puppy. Yeah, Skullman, Skullman has about 50 fights. He was on Ultimate Fighter, so people would probably recognize him. Who was he? I did not recognize him.

It was the Conor McGregor season, I think. Looks like his nose has been broken like 40 times. I saw that guy, I'm like, okay, well this guy's done this before. I know how he blocks punches but this was an extreme fight with no gloves maybe no rules I don't know but again running clock yeah it's just yeah brutal and it just was a full submission match they hardly threw any shots except the little baby punches such a little baby bops yeah little baby

bops little tiny bops I mean it looked like they eventually did damage but most of this fight was skullullman Skullman getting like gently bopped in the head while making a face that says, man, I wish I wasn't getting bopped in the head right now. Hey, hey, he's head bops. Like a toddler just is bopping him and he's like, I'm not gonna yell at you.

This is annoying, dude, come on. Zach, you might've noticed, he went for a rear naked choke and got flipped over his back, but then held on for a minute. So he had like an inverted mounted guillotine for like half a second. I was like, he almost popped his head off. I think it's a move worth exploring.

I think he might have invented. But anyway, skull man just survives the ton. That's a different kind of cat opener. Right. See this match, this match ended without me ever understanding what made this one extreme. Like how is this more extreme than any of the others? I know I don't know a lot about fighting, so you're gonna need to have like two guys in armor

show up for me to go, oh, this is not normal. Right. I think the first thing is that there was no rounds. It was just one solid 15 minute clock, which there was no rest. And no gloves. That's pretty extreme. And that's it. And no gloves. And if you like, in mixed martial arts,

even with like the UFC light gloves, the most common injury is still a broken hand. Like those things do not protect your hand. And if you have no gloves on, like the punches become like, yeah, do I really want to do this? You're going to break your own hand before you break someone's face. Little careful toddler bops.

Yeah, little bops. That explains the little bops. So yeah, otherwise perfectly ordinary fight. you break someone's face. Little careful toddler bops. Yeah, little bops. It's always determined. That explains the little bops. So yeah, otherwise perfectly ordinary fight. Whatever extreme rules are, they did not come into play much. The next was, this is as stupid as it will ever be. Uh-huh. Pela de coche!

Fucking car fight. I laughed pretty hard when they introduced this, because the way they started it was they were both sitting in the back seat, buckled in in their seat belts. I didn't realize we were about to start fighting. Like, they just showed the car. I thought it was product placement. Yeah, and then they were like, hutching these two guys and they were just kind of like, smiling in the back, like together. I was like, oh, they're just like guys that are going to show us how this works. But like, and then this guy goes, begin. And they just start fucking punching each other.

It's so funny. Oh, it's two brothers on a long car trip with one Gameboy. Exactly. Like it's it's it looks like a road trip gone wrong. Like this is the setup is is you're out here with your family and you're bored. Somebody's just said the wrong, it's time to start fighting. It's time to fight. Yeah, when they reveal them, one guy's smiling and he's kind of hyped.

The other guy's just kind of got this thousand yard stare. Yeah. Like he's being forced to do this against his will. But it turns out he's the psycho. He loves this shit. Obviously this is stupid. They're all tangled up in boxing because they do start seatbelt. So you have to make that choice. Do I unseat belt myself or start bashing first?

And they both chose a different one, which I thought was really interesting. And yet I could not tell you which was the superior tactic. Yes, it really didn't seem to make much of a difference. Yeah, fight two shows you a little bit more about those choices. I just wish they were allowed to train in the car. a little bit more about that those choices. I just wish they were allowed to train like in the car. Like if you're going to put because it did not look like they they knew they were going to do this.

But if you were allowed to train, like especially in the model of the car, you could like you could be an expert in that car. Start popping out cup holders in the guy's eye and shit. You could like how do you like you have like a friend you're like shot. I know you got a I know you got a coupe at home. Let me train in it, bro. Dude, get the fuck away from me. I'm not letting you fight train in my car.

I wish I knew how to set the GPS real quick. I mean, real quick. You run a world class coupe gym. You imagine taking fight training from a guy, and that's his gym. He's like, all right, here's the gym. It's convertible. Hop in the car.

Oh, I get it. you're a pervert. I just, I was really waiting for one of the guys to just hop in the driver's seat and start driving it. I mean. Okay, straight up, that should be the rules. They should have to like grapple together to like drive somewhere. That should be like, they're fighting each other,

but together they have to keep the car from like falling off of something. Like that's the fucking event. At all times, one must be driving. Yes. It's like it's like wrestling when you start in the referee position. Like, all right, this time it's it's Hector's turn to drive. You have to avoid the choke. I'm just saying, like, I don't think the people that put this together based on everything I've seen so far had enough foresight

to chalk the wheels of this car. So I think I know you don't have the keys, but I think you could at least pop the handbrake down, put it in neutral, get some shit rolling and see what happens. Yeah, absolutely. And I've seen, like, this was okay, because I've seen, like, I've seen car fights inside non-convertibles, which look super claustrophobic. Like, I have, like, a panic attack when I watch those. And I've seen phone booth fights, which is another level of insanity.

So this one was kind of like a little more tame in terms of like, they had some breathing room, they had some room to move. And I've seen a guy pushed out a car window and hammered in the ass for 20 minutes. Anyway, it wasn't a fight that I know of. No follow up questions. No follow up questions. But that's what happened in this. It's like one of the guys just got bent over the doors and then hammered in the ass. And it took me a while to realize it was like sumo rules.

Like, oh, you just throw the other guy out of the car and that's an automatic. I think if you knock him out or submit him, that's also a win, but it's also sumo rules. Right. Yeah. I thought that's what was. Yeah. I thought it was like the primary goal was just to do like MMA shit, but it's like, oh no, you can rig out too. I think if you run him over, you win too.

Yeah, that's a solid win. I mentioned this when you talk about Bloodsport, because if you could throw someone off the Bloodsport platform, that's a win. So you've made Sumo, like that like within a year you've, that will just develop into Sumo exactly. Here's my idea for this. Like if they're not gonna share responsibility for steering the moving car, fine. But if this was a hot tub, I think it's the same sport but safer and sexier. That's it. Right.

Like a lady hot tub fight. It's all about snuggle proximity. They wear like sexy bikinis rather than the combat gear. Same with the gentlemen. They get the shiny little Speedos. I think it's a hit. Until you get your first face down floating body. What have you done? We forgot to account for drowning. Oh my God.

But this car is such a high risk, low reward idea. It's a high risk of boredom and death. When you see him smashing up the sharp metal of the windshield, you're like, well, yeah, someone's gonna get there. Yeah, he's like, this sucks. I felt like both fighters looked at that and were like, let's, we're gentlemen. Well, one guy was getting shoved into it. He was getting punched.

And then while he's getting punched, he goes, ow, what the fuck? And he looked down at his hip because his kidneys were about to spill out. I feel like the other guy backed off too. He was like, oh no, that looks like it sucks. Let's not do that. He's like, no, that's not cool, man. My bad. Yeah. Sorry, sorry, bro. But then there's also just like you'll like rip open your bicep or your throat on some plastic chunk

you never thought about. Like just the little thing on the seat belt. It's just like, okay, yeah, that just like ripped a big chunk out of my human flesh. I was interesting that one guy actually did think to use to strangle somebody with a seatbelt. Yes! That's the second fight. That guy just opened up with the seatbelt choke. He's like, I can't wait for the referee to say go. He had a plan. I'm gonna strangle him.

See, he did some car training. Yeah, he's murdered somebody in a car before. This is how I did it. This is how I did it. Training. This wasn't necessarily sport specific. He just knows how to do it. It was so funny when they I it was such a genuine punchline when they came back for the second fight, because like

the armor thing taught me like, OK, they don't know what they're doing. They're just kind of throwing shit at the wall, seeing if this is interesting. And the answer is usually no. But then they did the car fight and it was like, yeah, that wasn't that great. Then you booked a second one. Like, yeah, it's a did the car fight and it was like, yeah, that wasn't that great. Then you booked a second one. It's a four man card fight tournament. It was an elimination fight. Yeah.

There's another thing we didn't mention. Could you use some work? The ref that says go is off to one side. So one guy has a blind spot because he's looking at the ref to know where to go. And then the other guy, he could see the ref and his opponent. And so the one that was the experienced choker had the advantage. So he was able to just activate his game plan immediately. And that guy was spent most of the time being asphyxiated by a seat belt.

I think what was funny about that is that the other guy was like stuck in the seating position. Like he couldn't like get up because he's getting choked and punched. And so it just looks like he's calmly like waiting through waiting for the beating to end. He's like, yeah, his traffic is miserable. It looks like just a really bad carpool. Yeah, it's just a chair.

Look, I know, but it saves a lot on gas. I think they should have a soda in the cup holder and some like important things like tablets or laptops that they're not allowed to break. Just like, just stuff. If we're recreating a car fight, like, let's do it. It's like Corey Haim's driving test for license to drive. You spilled his coffee on me, you fail. I remember that. You know what? Baby in a car seat.

Baby in a car seat. Baby in a car seat. Don't let that baby die. The baby cannot die. Go! Mustache guy that likes to choke? Do not throw the baby out of the car right away. Fuck.

That was my plan A through D. That was a car fight. Amazing. So stupid. Will never in a million years be fun or cool. Like an idiot could have told you this would suck and it did. So now there's a 10-man battle royale, which might be even dumber. I thought it was gonna, I had the most potential out of all of these things.

Right, but it is a wreck. The host is in a little gladiator costume and he is screaming for them to wait. He's like, un momento, chingas, un momento, un momento. And they all just ignore him and start fighting. And so the camera guy's like, wait, what's the... Okay. You're like, what's your going?

You're not going to go back to the start line. There's 10 of us here. You don't have that kind of control over us. You have lost control. You've put too many angry guys in one space. You were no longer the boss. They're chubby, they're itchy. This is what's going to happen to billionaires.

This is exactly what you're watching in real time. I can't wait. Oh, it's going to be good billionaires. This is exactly, you're watching it in real time. I can't wait. Oh, it's going to be good. I hate that Zuckerberg will win. He's the only one training for this. He's the only one that has any sort of fucking skill. So let me try to set the stage a little. This is a big, just a wrestling match, like a high school wrestling mat with red on the

outside. And if you like get shoved into the red, you lose. It's a giant sumo flat pad. There's no ring or cage or anything. And like you can punch and kick and some people were kind of trying to do it, but the meta was just shove, big shove. Yeah, like I was on board with this before it started.

And then like he went start. And then five seconds later, he went, okay, stop, everybody's out. Yes. Yeah. What the fuck? What did we do? It was like musical chairs or Yes. Yeah. What the fuck? What did we do? It was like musical chairs or something.

Yeah. Absolute chaos. This is what happens with group sumo. This is why we don't do group sumo is because it's over really fucking fast. Like, do you think the Japanese didn't start with group sumo and then they just refined it into one-on-one?

We've done this already. You're reinventing the wheel, you dumb shit. So they kind of just restart it, right? Like, everyone's un-eliminated, and now there's teams. I'm so confused. Again, I don't speak Spanish very well. It was like five on five at some point. I think I figured out what happened. I think it was... there was some arbitrary number, and I think it's probably under half, that when you get to half, the fight stops, and then all the people who were knocked out have to fight the people that are left. So then there was three guys that were legitimately still in the ring when he stopped,

when they hit that part, and so then all the guys that were knocked out have to come back in and fight them, and then we find out very quickly over and over again several more times that there's a reason the three guys were there in the first place which we could have found out the very first round and just not done this again Yep, the results do not change They just push them all out again, and then they come back and they push them all out again One of them is like 300 pounds and most of them are very small men and so one of there's a really funny moment again It's all chaos so who knows if you even saw this,

but a tiny little guy tried to attack the 300 pounder and he kind of just like bonked him and he went flying so far that like 12 to 13 feet away and he like hit the ground and it's like, okay, you're eliminated. And he's like, what? No, I didn't see that. I saw the guy with the blue shorts discover,

oh my God, I'm really good at this. Yeah. Cause he started just like street fighter throwing people out of the ring. Yeah. I was like, yeah. Was he the blonde psycho with the Conor McGregor tattoo on his back? Maybe. I just saw. The big guy, the bald guy, and then the blonde guy.

The blonde guy, the guy with the blue shorts was just like, he was just running around playing the best game of freeze tag of his life discovering that like I was meant for this and then Simultaneously realizing oh no, I was meant for something that will never happen again. Yeah At least two guys got eliminated just like retreating from strikes like you might In a sparring match and they're like, oh you just ran out you dumbass and they're like what and almost everybody who got eliminators Like no, no, I didn't get eliminated. Look my my hand still touching there. Like, no, fucker. It's like if something touches the red, you're out. Sometimes sometimes it's like two things that to touch.

Nobody was clear on the rules. And so every single guy had an argument. Yeah. And fair enough, like I wasn't clear on the rules either. The the announcers were also very confused. They're kind of just making noises. One of them goes, super complicated. Yeah, dude, I agree. I've said that so many times over and over again.

This is super complicated. It's maybe not the thing you want to be stopping a giant brawl to say over and over again. All right, everybody stop. It's a bad sport. We've broken some bylaws of the brawl. After the whole like double dragon fake out, I was almost hoping the guy came and was like,

hey, you know what, guys? Because you didn't listen to me at the very beginning, we're starting this whole fucking thing over again. Yeah, that's what I thought was happening. I was like, okay, like, yeah, let's do it. There was just, this looks so much cooler before they started doing it. Like when they were setting up for it and there's like a guy dressed like a mad Roman Emperor and just a bunch of beefcakes on a huge red square. I'm like fucking

Some squid game shit that's gonna happen Logan's run you could have had Everybody who has been in this competition so far fight including the guys in armor including the car including everybody Like that's a net car back. Yeah, Bangkok knockout that shit. I'm always about man versus car fight. Bangkok Knockout. He's so good. Could have just done it by bringing everyone back. Like I was expecting there to be a weasel, like a guy that just ran around punching people

who were already in fights, but like refusing to fight himself. That would have been something to watch. I think a trap door would be nice. A trap door? A hippo? Put a hippo in there? Trap door leading to the hippo pit?

Put everybody on rollerblades? We've got roller games, baby. So many modifiers could make this just a little bit more interesting. There's a real moment here that I loved where it was the three guys and they were facing off against like this team that kept losing guys because those three were actually really good at whatever the stupid sport is.

And it got down to one. So it's three guys on one and they know there's no chance of this guy shoving anybody out. So they just take turns like throwing door breaching kicks at him like they're just stopping on this fucking dude's head. Oh, he's standing there. And I think even after all of that, he still was like, what about like, he still wouldn't go out like they're all just like, I got this, I got a field goal this fucking guy right out of the mat. Like, OK, you might turn. And a little bald guy was he was there to like hit people.

He was really he was the only one that was like throwing punches. And I could only think like out of all the people that got eliminated, imagine if you were the only one that got eliminated by punches. You make man. What the fuck? Like that's none of you else. Nobody else got punched. No, we were all playing freeze tag, man. It was great.

Yep. It was so fun. I did a break fall. It was pretty nice, you know, landed very softly. Your guy was just a jerk. I was just frankly rude. It did end with a guy choking out. Like instead of shoving the final guy out, he like threw him on the mat and just cranked on his neck.

Yeah. I mean, once it's down to two guys, it's easy to not get pushed out of the ring. Yeah. Fucking come at me, Sumo, apparently. Yeah, bald guy came to hurt somebody. He was not there just to gently toss people into safety. Just poor blue shorts guy. To realize that you found your calling and it's tricking guys out of a ring in this one specific scenario. And then the win condition for all of this is okay, but how good are you at strangling and it turns out not very? I was I'm a trickster. That was my class. Yeah, I'm kind of out of my element. Yeah, you spec'd into Rogue and then had a had a melee fight. I think we did a great podcast guys. For the bonus podcast, I'm gonna drive to your house. We're all gonna get in the car. We're just gonna fuck each other up.

All right, I'm gonna push you out the window and hammer you in the ass The craft is no trap, it's no watch. Send it to the dog's den for an hour. Come on, you know the number. 1-900-1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-1-900-Frankfurt 1-900-1-900-1-900-Frankfurt Yes, 9000. On Hot Dog Beach you're never alone. Somebody's always got your back.

And if you're ever in trouble, just look for… The Supremes. Aaron Crosston Adrian H Alex Nolenberg Alpha Scientist Javo Anandi Armando Nava Autumn Armstrong Berg is helping a lost child return to their family. Finn Talzer Brandon Garlok Brian Saylor Brock Way famously loves the meat milly, is

fighting a gang of fentanyl addicted dolphins. Burrito Cereal is dealing with the festive aftermath of a birthday hang gliding accident. Cheddarwool Common Sense Craig Lemoine Quavis is escorting the President of the United States of America on his annual beach jog. Dan B

David Schull Dean Costello Delta Foxtrot Devin the Rogue Supreme Doug Redmond is helping a lost family return to their child. Drayson Dusty's Rad Title Elizabeth Shope just taught a suicidal swimming hobo that life is worth living again.

Elliot Watson was that suicidal swimming hobo that life is worth living again. Elliot Watson was that suicidal swimming hobo. Now he's the CEO of a jet ski company. Eric Christian Berg. Eric Rhea. Fancy Shark. Gareth is trying to save beach Christmas from jaded elves just here to party. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches

Greg Cunningham Haraka Harvey Penguini Hendrick Sorensen is getting beach audited by beach accountants Honk Jaber Al Aydin James Boyd Jared Clack is helping a lost child and family return to their dog Jared Mountain Man Jared Ruiz Jeff O'Rasky John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff

Joseph Searls is trying to warn those teens, their volleyball is actually a bomb. Josh S. Joshua Graves Justin B. Ken Paisley K&M KVH has to assassinate the Jogging President to prove to the Party Elves there's still magic at the beach! Lane Hagood Lisa M. Jahee Chapelle Mark Mahoney

Matt Reilly Max Beroy is trying to return a lost Jogging President to his worried Secret Service agents. Moju Mercenary Cis Admin Michael Lair Mort Mr Bob Gray just had his lifeguard truck stolen by a lost child. ND

Neil Bailey Neil Schaeffer Neku104 Nick Lavino, Orn Rewievel has collected all 7,000 Lost Beach children, into an ad hoc army and declared war on Hot Dog Beach, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst, Rhiannon, Russell Bauman's suicidal swim hobo Bran Jetski just exploded. It's not a good company, folks. Sarkovsky

Sean Chase Seed Space Jam fan is now helping the jaded party elves revenge themselves upon Beach Santa. Spotty Reception Super Knot Tater's Tales Ted H Timmy Leahy owes so much money in fucking beach taxes, there's just no way up at the

sea. Toasty God Tommy G Velo Vuster Waylon Russell Yvonne Clapham just saved another suicidal swimming hobo and taught him that the real beach taxes a little something

called love and friendship everybody. Zach and Ava. Thomas Kovatsos is just trying to do a classic gender swapped prince and the popper scam to save his grifter mother. But this beach is fucking crazy.