The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 221, Capitalism's Greatest Hits with Gareth Edwards

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Gareth Edwards! Ah music, arguably one of mankind's greatest gifts to the world, an incomparable ode to the wonder of existence. "Without music, life would be a mistake." Nietzsche said that, it's in a book! So, what finer fuel to power the machinations of the child grinder that is capitalism? Blood, destitution, audible teeth gnashing.. sure, BUT at a nail bitingly close fourth, MUSIC! Join the DOGGZZONE, sit a spell and take a listen, won't you? 

Welcome to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's last comedy website. We do deeply researched long-form written comedy every day, despite the entire world telling us they don't want that anymore. We'll never listen. I'm Robert Brockway, and I'm brought to you by the fine folks at Poxco Poxcasts. Poxco, if you're not a consumer, you're being consumed. And with me, as always, is my comedy partner and CFO chuckles and CFO chuckles and incorporated a subdivision of the Raytheon Company. It's Shawbaby.

I hope you love to laugh, listeners. And missiles. And our guest today, who is also foolishly devoted his life to deeply researched long-form written content, exactly at the moment in time that died forever, it's Garrett Edwards. That's not strictly too. I've managed to persuade AI companies to pay me to write it, but not for AI, just to write computer history, which is fun. But yeah, it's like the worst time.

in history to actually be some kind of long-form writer. Yes, it is. It's in written history. I mean, it could have been, I guess it's worse than the caveman days. Yeah, I mean, if we're having to carve all of this stuff into like clay plates, I suspect that would be worse. Worse in Caveman days and Worse in Full Robot Days. So kind of tail into the sweet spot.

We're going right now. Gareth, where can people find more of you? You'll find my history writing and stuff up on every dot toe. That's a lot of stuff about computer history, just on a big deep dive on Jack Tremel and history of Commodore. And ironically, Compaq is up next. But yeah, so lots of data on that. And you can always find me on social media, mostly on Mastodon and on Blue Sky these days, as Garius, so G-A-R-I-U-S, where I speak absolutely no sense, but have fun. And you can come find more of us at patreon.com slash 1-900 Hot Dog. That's the daily

written comedy I was talking about by talented humans, not robots, plus hundreds of bonus episodes of this very podcast. You can support our other more successful. podcast, Bigfeet, same way. Speaking of, go check out our store right now, 1,900 hotdog.com, and click shop up at the top. You might find the new Bigfeet's shirt design by Brett Ellison. What's a masterpiece? It's so good.

It's like a Sergeant Pepper's parody, absolutely packed with Easter eggs. It's beautiful. Go check it out. Sean, do you want to plug anything? Oh, no, I think you plugged. I'll plug the laughs. Plug chuckles again.

Today, we are talking about corporate songs. Like whenever a corporation foolishly thinks they have a soul and can use it to produce art about their fucking business. I'll just give you an example. This is Jim Dubois, a consumer market executive playing guitar. And the singer here that you're going to hear is Ethan Chandler. He's a banking center manager. And they're singing about Bank of America buying out MBN Bank. Oh, this one, dude.

All right, here we go. Tap out when you've had two months. It is even better now that we're the same two great companies come together now MBNA is B of A and it's one bank one car one name that's known all over the world Okay, okay, I tap. I think they get it. Yeah, I'm running in with a chair at that point. I think it's the only answer.

I think we both listen to that. That's the Undertaker's music. Honestly, I probably only listened to it three times, but that's way too many times. The best part about that one, I mean, I've got whole folders of these, but the best part about that one is it went out live on a corporate, everyone getting to know each other broadcast globally. So can you just imagine, like, everyone in every office around the world,

watching those guys sing that song. Just weeping in their cubicle, moved by the merger of two banks. You can't even get away from it because you're at a desk, or if you're in Ireland, you've been told to stay up late to listen to that. Mandatory. Imagine, I would be so mad if you said this meeting is mandatory, you have to listen to this guy, sing a fucking U-2 song about a bank merger. It is such an abuse of power. It would be better if he just handed a knife to an employee and said, I want you to cut the hand off your child. Like, it's to make someone sit through that, that indulgent nonsense. It all depends on whether or not, like, it was these guys' idea. But, like, it's very possible they were assigned.

Like, hey, I heard you're a singer. I need you. No, that's a hundred percent, 100 percent their own idea. Yeah, there is no way they didn't come up with that. Such a practiced impersonation. That dude is saying that in his car 500 times. Probably does it a karaoke every single trip. So he has sung versions of that at, like,

every opportunity he has. He's done that at weddings. He's done that at it is like funerals, everything. Well, he might not be allowed to anymore. Obviously, you two did not love a bank, the Bank of America, specifically co-opting their song about the struggles of a divided Berlin into a celebration of bank fees. So they did hit them with a cease and desist. Hell yeah. After hearing this. Which, which, I mean, you've got to do an awful lot to get you two to say, no, don't give us any money. We're not letting you do that. I would have hit them with a flying kick. Like, you sit down, you pull out your guitar, and I'm like, okay, what's this? And I realize it's a bank

parody of a U2 song, Flying Kick. You're not getting to the chorus. To be clear, that's not Sean speaking as Bono offended about the crew. That's just Sean speaking as Sean, if you do this at all. I don't care if it's your wedding. I don't care if it's your anniversary party and I'm a beloved friend. I'm kicking the head right off your neck. Beloved friends deliver flying drop kicks to one another under certain circumstances. It's the least they can do. You need to accept that with like the good grace that God has given you and be like, I will learn. I will learn from this. The two footprints on my chest. Bad corporate songs is a bit of a kind of pub thing that we do, like where we all try and find the worst ones and go, one of the rating systems we do actually have for it is how

offended would you be if someone played this at your funeral? And I think that would absolutely be a nine out of ten for me. Oh, for sure. Yeah, that's a fist fight. That's how you start a fist fight at a funeral and I believe me, I know. Anyway, this story has a happy ending. Bank of America laid off 6,000 MBNA employees right after this. That's coming up on the black card at the end as the song plays out. Imagine being, so you were forced to listen to this around the world. You were like, you have to drop everything and listen to this.

And at the end, they were like, and you're fired. Because everyone had to make that choice. Do I kick this guy in the head or do I keep my job? And they said, I've got to keep my job. And then they lose their job. Oh, it's fucking brutal. It's like, here's Dave from the Irish branch to sing a version of REM's losing my religion, as you will find out you're unemployed.

Losing my pension. There you go. It's real easy. So that's the kind of thing we're talking about today, just soulless puppets, hate fucking human art. And that actually reminds me of these 10 puns from the AI pun site, punsteria. I knew it coming. I was like, this sounds like he's sitting something. up.

You know me so well. Here's the first one. Why did the bank go to the doctor? It had too many checks. Could you sing it, please, in this style of R&M's end of the world as we know. Too many checks. It's really good. Sean will get this one.

Why did the scarecrow become a bank manager? He was outstanding in his field in the bank. exactly right I like that it always comes up with that one that is just like it's just phoning it in from an AI perspective The robot has a favorite joke we found the robot's favorite joke

It's adorable What did it add to the end of the It was just he was outstanding in his field It forgot to add anything this time Wow To be fair I reckon that a cheering test level of passing Is the moment it starts phoning stuff in

Like that is a very human And real trait I don't want to make these fucking pun I'm not putting my effort into these fucking puns. Why did the bank director become an actor? He loved playing different roles, especially the one of a safe. One safe! I mean, that's very Kaufman.

You're heading very Kaufman with that. Why was the bank teller not worried about the explosion? They were safe. Oh, see? That would be a good pun. No, he kept his cool and thought it was just the interest rates skyrocketing. Oh, damn. That's definitely one from that Bank of America,

MB&A merging phone. Probably, probably with drunk on a post-firing binge. What do you call a bank that bakes? A donut bank. That's wrong in a couple directions. That's one of the ones that, like, legitimately got me stunned. I have no idea how long I was sitting here silent.

Has it been like an hour, or has it just been a few seconds? This is how you actually like doom somebody to an eternity in their mind is you just make that pun and then whatever happens in their brain stretches on first. See, the problem is I've been writing for a BBC podcast lately and it means working with actual genuine legit comedians and like there is nothing worse than trying to drop some write something funny for actual legit comedians except this. This makes me feel better and lose all of my imposter syndrome. Write this for them and just take them down.

Just take down their careers. Yeah. If they're saying no to everything anyway, just fucking give them a bunch of these. They'll beg you for the stuff you were giving them before. Why did the bicycle go to the bank? Sean might get this one. I'm not coming up with anything. It's because the scarecrow was outstanding in his field.

Pretty close. It needed to get its tires checked before the long ride ahead. Of course, I was right on the tip of my tongue. Sean, it was so close. With hindsight, it makes total sense. Why did the bank use a compass? It always needed to stay in the right direction. That has not been my banking experience.

Why did the bank close down? It lost its balance. That's like punchline to a different joke. Yeah, it thinks closing is like falling? Why did the bank rates fall? Because they lost their balance. It's amazing how this robot discovers new ways to fail. But I actually have a theory on that,

which is because obviously, all this machine learning is really just looking for proximity of text and doing matches. And we all grew up in the era where people actually wrote joke books. And joke books are just so many jokes really quickly that adjacency probably means it's looking too many lines over. It's being trained on John Hirsch books. It pulled from the Urkel joke book when it was, it should have been pulling from the elf joke book. Class, should have been pulling from 100 hamburger jokes. Why was the piggy bank found guilty?

it was caught in the act of embezzlement. Just a mirthless crime that the piggy bank committed. Not a pause. That's just the ending of an episode of CSR. A really whimsical setup. What did the piggy bank do? Fucking embezzling. Five years.

It killed his wife and faked his own death. Piggy bank was eventually sentenced to five years in prison for embezzlement. Doesn't even try for the pun And finally, how do banks heal their wounds With interest bandages? There it is Now that we've calibrated

The Void at the heart of the human soul Let's get to the podcast The entire lake died To bring the world those jokes Oh shit What a dire future we live in Let's celebrate the dire past Sean, you're going to kick us off

You've brought InfoGrams Rocks My World I'm just going to play it And then we'll talk about it. Here's the thing. I didn't do any outside research. I have no idea when they recorded this or for what event. It was obviously an internal, like, just hype song.

I think one thing you'll take from it is what an immense amount of talent and effort went into this. Someone really is singing their heart out and are not incompetent. I just hit play. Let's fucking. Let's go. Let's do it. Can do it. Startman makes my hair spin round

Beachhead, Transworld Ferdify Unreal tournament Test drive Survivor, Civilization Superman saves the nation In sync hotline Dragon Ball

Alone in the dark And that's not all Chills Yeah, so good legitimately the most American song in all time. Fair warning, I'm not tapping out on this one. I'll listen to this whole song. No, better play, because it's got to drop.

Yep. Just hear dancing, being on top of the building while a camera spins around her. It's a language in 90s songs. Oh, I'll get ready for the fucking rap breakdown. No. Absolutely getting paid by the note of the other. Just gave it her, everything she had left herself totally empty by the end of that song. Yeah.

So many people would have said, I'm not giving my all for this. Like, this is beneath me as an. artist and she's like no no this is gonna see i can give you the year for that this i can't find any evidence on the internet but i did actually work out when every every video game they mentioned was released and work out when the latest one was and it's 2002 so it must have been performed at an e3 that you attended sean there's no question i was at that e3 i i would have never gone to an info graeme's part though like and you missed out like everybody there just holding lighters up until the fucking sprinkler system went off i would have been

talking about that all week. I would have never shut up, but I would have been on, phenomenal gameplay. Me and my friends would have just saying that to each other the whole week. I did find out a couple of things when it was you're right that it was recorded for the 2002

E3. It was recorded in late 2001. Here's the top comment in a Reddit thread about it. I was working for an infograms developer when they made this. Everyone in the office got an email with an MP3 of it. The rest of the day at random, someone would blast that out over their speakers and the whole office would

burst out laughing. Weeks later, 9-11 happened and the laughter stopped. The only thing that could stop this was 9-11. That's how good it is. That's how good it was. The laughter stopped. When was that Reddit thread? When did they write that?

Oh, shit, I don't know. Pretty recently, I imagine. I mean, your British fact of the day is that 9-11 also knocked Bob the Builder's single off the top of the charts in the UK. It cost us so much. It stopped playing it. The world. What has the world lost?

To be fair, that single was called Bob the Builder wants you to knock that fucking building down. Which is, it just didn't hit the same after the... Yeah, it was just the wrong time for it. Yeah. I couldn't verify this totally, but the general knowledge says that this apparently costs them over $50,000 to make. I think that's actually quite cheap really though for what is legit a decent recording. It's a really good recording.

I don't know much about the recording industry. $50,000 even for this seems a bit much, but it does explain why she was just fucking giving it her all. They got what they paid for, for sure. I mean, I couldn't find anything about who actually the artists were, which is genuinely pretty unusual for corporate stuff because you can normally find something about them. What if it was, so many of these are like a member of the board

if this was like their regional sales manager is just fucking... It's just showering in accounts. I noticed some games that didn't get mentioned. Wargasm, never got mentioned. Zapper won Wicked Cricket. That's a pretty good infographics. That rhymes with a lot of things, too.

Animorphs shattered reality. Harder to rhyme, but I mean, a notable absence. I guess my point is that infograms really kind of published whatever. Like, if you brought them an erotic civil war game, I'm like, fine, whatever fucking fabric softener. adaptation. I don't care. You say that. You say that, but they went from civilization to NSYNC hotline. Yeah. So it's like, it's not like they had shame. There's no, they have no idea what

a good game is. They're like, you like both of these things equally, right? Like, I mean, they did, you've got the Survivor Tying game gets a mention. A Superman Man of Steel, which is emphatically one of the worst game. Yeah. Yeah. notoriously. They were also mentioned Freddy Five, it's just like a children's fish adventure game. And Tunketown is the second one they mentioned, which is like, it looks like a flash game. It's just like a little dump truck for babies. Talk a town. Talk a town. You'd be pleased to know that the ISO for NSYNC hotline is up on Archive.org. So if you've got a desire to play an NSYNC tie-in game from 2001, you absolutely can.

You've just got to sing this song while you're doing. And should. I just remember everyone there was having fun playing that game until 9-11. Just... And the laughter stopped. And then the laughter... That's amazing. The laughter stopped. But it really ties into that whole thing.

They talk about how like, well, to me it feels like, because that feels like the most 90s thing ever. And it ties into that whole thing of everyone thinks the decades in style end at the end of the decade. And they don't. They really last for another five years beyond because that is very 90s. Yeah. If you want to look for like the absolute peak most distillation of like here's why we stopped doing everything in the decade. It's like the first three years. It's like 80 to 83 are why we stopped doing the 70s.

90 to 93 is like that's the most 80s you'll ever find. It's the point where dads are starting to do it. Yeah, no, this is just, we're done with this. We got to start a new decade. This one's got to go. This one's got to go. This one got rotten. I think another thing I like about this song is that it could have been 20 minutes long.

Like these infograms published like 70 Smurfs games alone. They could have just kept listening songs, but they like they wanted it to get funky. Like they wanted those beat drops. There's multiple fakeouts that they're done. Just an explosion of vocal. talent at the end. Didn't InfoGraims also put out all of those all of those backyard games where they just took every single sport imaginable and just put the word back front backyard in front of just a bad sports game with big heads. They're like yeah, people will want these every year for a decade.

Oh, that's an easy rhyme too. The temptation must have been real. Put that right on in the middle of that you've got like unreal tournament and civilization and you're just like it's just the vibe shift on that is huge. Yeah, they had they genuinely had no idea like. what a good game is. Like, these are all equal. These are all the same thing to us. Because they are, they're just distributors, right? Like, they just published.

Like, it's like saying, from the mailman who brought you new checks, it's magazine and catalog. You're like, all right. It's not... Magazine, catalog. It's the video game equivalent of when you see a poster and it says from the producers that brought you. And you're like, this film is going to be dog shit.

The same money that bought you a different thing unrelated to this. Also, this song taught me how to say, infograms. I've never said it infograms. I've always said it infograms. To the point of like my wife and I to this day call video games video grames. I didn't realize it had an R in it. I genuinely did not realize that the name had an R in. I've always thought it was deeply funny that you called yourself infographics. I've always called them video grames. Uh, oh, incorrectly. I don't know what an infogram is either, but there you go. I love it as well though, because it starts like every single charity single released between 1983. in 2003.

You can just feel its building. You expect Cindy Lauper to kick in at any moment. Here comes Cindy Lauper again. All right, moving on, Gareth, you brought us the compact rap. This has a full-on music video. If you want to go look it up by the actual Compact Board of Directors, who are all performing it. Just like all the best rap albums, it opens with an unskippable skit.

At this moment, a high-level executive meeting is taking place in the company's boardroom. No details are available yet, but I can tell you it has something to do with President Rod Canyon's plans for a new compact image. My ear is always the best way to begin. Oh, right, right, right. I remember getting the crowd hype. Oh, fuck, yeah. Horn beat, baby.

I'll ask the computer crew, shuffling on down, doing it for you, we're so fast. We know we're good. Son, Bill, you're laughing you knew who we would. Well, my name is Quively. I like the groove. Look out, Blue. We're making our move. God damn.

Working with memory in megahertz, too. Everything it takes to beat Big Blue. Just work in that synthesizing. I'm Daddy Jim, and I build them all. Test this shot, money by making them fall. Bend a little metal, and we use lots of screws. Everything it takes to beat the Big Blue. I'm never tapping out, by the way.

I mean, my name's Gary. Got skills to home. Doing it right? Ain't no clone. Give them all the answer without no flow. Got good folks

with all the right stuff. James Gordon, we fix them right. A hammer and fires get them nice and tight. High, high, hide. They're so good. Take the right action. My service, rats, get lots of vacation. Lots of vacation.

Vacation. My name's Kevin. like the swing. International big. That's my thing. What's your idea? What's out of country? Here or there.

And take it all. It's our fair, share. My name's Jim's been around the while. Planning them right, that's my style. Put some cable here, a shark mount there. Put it in a box. It ain't quite square. We are complex, the computer crew.

Shuffling on down, doing it for you. We're so fat. We know we're good. Selling a bill. We knew we would. My name is Bill. I do the legal. I watch it all. I am the Eagle. I negotiate Breton Narsuit and help you fight to beat Big Greenwood.

I am the Eagle. Jim Stein but... This fucking slash ripping. My name's greedy and I count the bucks. I buy the paper clips and I buy the trucks. I pay your salary commissions two. Bonuses for all when you beat Big Blue. Send me a nickel, a quarter, or a dime.

We'll catch them faster and much less time. I'm dancing gym, smooth moves are my things. I got a degree in market team. Products and programs and sales packs, too, make all the right tools to help you with Big Blue. My name's Doug. I love to shuffle. Say no more, Doug. The end. Our dealers are great faith cause no trouble.

This is alcoholic solubes. There are partners in business, you see. I guarantee the profitability. Well, grooving all day is. is made for me. It's a lot like either advocacy. Uh-huh. My name is Ross and I like to dance. Selling computers is like making romance.

Aw. Words, my voice just soothes. Got people with all the right moves. People are good. They know how to sell. They hit the streets and give them hell. That's actually my team. A bunch in all creation that they can't sell on allocation.

My name's Rod and I'm proud of us. Setting records fast and furious. We're not there yet, but we're coming on strong. With all the right moves, it won't take us long. Put on a smile and feel real goodly. Gus Randy Mack and Don Woodley. The world is ours thanks to Fiper. I'm so proud, I feel like the Piper.

We are on the computer crew. Shuffling on down, doing it for you. We're so fat, we know we're good. Selling a dilly if I knew we would. We are compacts, the computer crew. Shuffling on down. for you. We're so fat. We know we're good.

Stop and a feeling like we knew we would. Super Bowl shuffle just poisoned a generation. It really did. It's Super Bowl shuffle and Bartman. It's the same year. Hell yeah. There was a little bit of Wendy's grill skill in there, too. Yeah, a little bit of the funk.

Yeah. I would say it's just a triumph of whiteness and the unearned impossible confidence that comes with that. It's 1990. Absolutely do not. look at what else came out in 1990 that was good because you're essentially into like public enemy releasing like

you know fight the power and then you've got that yeah they're referencing they're doing like Debbie Harry rap this is this is very old by the time you're referencing the Super Bowl shuffle it's incredible that you're still doing that so this video

just to paint a visual picture real quick obviously you know what all these guys look like they're middle age white guys named like Bob and Doug in suits and ties, they all look like this physically hurts them. They hate doing this. Yeah. Except the guy from marketing

whose idea this clearly was. Oh yeah, he loves his dancing. Jim. Oh yeah, Jim loved the dancing. I like every choice they made. Like I like the fake news report about like the internal meeting about a branding pivot. They're like, we're outside the meeting

and they're thinking about changing their marketing direction. I'm like, yeah, that's great. Yeah, start your video with. that worth it. Yeah, you need a little skit. You need his skit so people can be like, ah, fuck, can you skip past the skit? There was one guy that was like getting so funky at the start.

He was like doing a one-handed wave between claps. Like he would do a little wave with a hand and then clap it against the other hand and then switch. Like, and he was like looking for approval. Not to the beat. It was like he lived his whole entire life in this nerd body. And he thought he could like hear a month from his retirement in his computer parts distribution management position, like invent an entirely new way to be cool. And watching him try that and fail is so magical.

And I think this is like the only situation where that would be celebrated. But it's also the guy right at the beginning who like is the full on porn star mustache, perfect American hair. But then it's just lying on his desk like he's freaking magnum PI and playgirl. That's Waverly. Waverly, the guy with a flow like an elevator suicide. he gets a bunch of sexy jump cuts to his beat too. Like he's sitting at his desk and then it jump cuts to him like kicking back all sultry with his legs up. It's so good.

You know, Waverly is a walking HR issue. You know that's a file on it. I don't know. It's like every kind of embarrassment. But like I think this is why Compaq went out of business. This moment right here when he's like sexually reclining on the desk, I think that's the beginning of the decline for the company. You joke, you joke. But Compaq literally their profit announcement are.

After this is released, it's the first time in their history that they make a loss. Hell yes. Because I think just knowing you did this, that you left this room where this thing happened, it took away each of these men's confidence in all future negotiations. Just the shame of that, like, haunted them. Two weeks ago, I was doing an interview with Rod Canyon, the CEO in this, because I'm writing about them for my next history piece. Because they are legit forgotten that they beat IBM.

They are an incredible company. And it was two hours of me chatting to him. and in my back of my head, there's a voice just constantly going, do not ask him about a compact rap. Do not ask him about a compact rap. You had to ask him, right? It's just interview over if I'd done that. But like,

that's how you end the interview then, baby? It's just, it's, like, I don't think there's anything more 90s. This is, these are the guys that Houghton Catch Fire is based on. Like, they did all the stuff in Halt Catch Fire, the whole cloning the computers. It is legit, these guys, these actual guys. I don't remember that episode where they did this. There's a moment I really like, too, where they're all sitting next to each other,

and they all touch the man to their left. And they're so enthusiastic, like they've been waiting their whole lives to do it. Like every meeting, one of them wanted to suggest, hey, guys, this might sound crazy, but like, I don't know, maybe we should all touch? Like, just go around the room and share the intimacy of our hands. I don't know. I'm talking crazy, right? No? Okay. Okay, I know I say this every week, but this time it's about a wrap. We're going to do a wrap.

But the chain went all the way to the end, and then the very last guy got touched, and he had no one to touch himself. And so he gave, like, this intensely charged stare to the chain of men touching him. I didn't get what it meant, but I am positive. They all fucked after they, after they wrapped. That guy has had a lot of encounters with Waverley, and, like, he's just not happy about it. Keeps teleporting into my desk and sultry poses like fucking Burt Reynolds. Well, you've got Bill, the Bill the lawyer, who they absolutely legitimately like, like he's a vampire.

Yeah, they laid him like the Undertaker in a grudge match. He sees it all. He is the eagle. I am the eagle. But that man went head to head with 40 of IBM's best lawyers and beat them on a lawsuit about patents. He was the eagle. He didn't sound very convincing, but his flow was weak. But his law game was strong.

Too much training. It's Kevin in particular That seems like he actively wants to die Like his hands are beneath the table Just sawing at his wrists with his pen the whole time And he's the one they do so dirty He's the one that has to say My name's Kevin, I like to swing

And then his head turns into a globe Which I thought represented all the places He and his wife have swapped partners And then they hand him a globe On top of that My head's a globe I'm also holding a globe There are globes all around

me. But the lyric doesn't even make sense in the context, because he's then that's all about, and I do, and international sales are my thing. So it's like, it's not a lead-in to international sales. He must legitimately just swing and is well-known for it. Can we not put that in the wrap? It's the only thing that rhymes with thing. Really?

All right. Kevin, it's the only thing anyone in the office knows about it. Susan's not going to like this, but all right. You keep asking us if our wives and us want to fuck. Kevin, that bowl on your table in this shot is literally the one you keep putting keys. If I had a note for them, they might mention Big Blue a lot, which is IBM, obviously. It seems like a friendly corporate rivalry, if you mention it once, but they mention it so many fucking times that it comes across, not just insecure, but like obsessive. Like you've been driven insane by IBM.

This is the point at which they are absolutely destroying IBM and driving them out of the business. This is just after IBM have tried to launch the, their PC beta that was meant to take everything back to being proprietary, and Compact led the rebellion that beat them. So they are riding very, very high historically. This is their victory lap. Yeah. This is legit their victory lap that they're sending to IBM to say,

we are the people who beat you, sucker. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you guys, we win. In that context, it almost sounds sadistic. My point is they say it too many times, and I think they should just rap about whether, Kevin got the better end of the deal when you and your wife made love to them. That's just what I want to hear about. But what I will say is that the music video for this is if you want to see

what every 90s C-suite looked like in all its kind of 386 PC wooden cladded glory on the desks and everything, it is like a time capsule for executive offices at this period. If we're still offering notes, I want to give a note to Grevy. He's the money guy. We follow a trail of money to him in like true hip hop style, but they're all $1 bills. Right. And he has three dollars. He has three of them in his pocket,

so he's like, I'm the money guy. I have $3. Yeah. And you know he had to pick up all of them and give them back to accounting afterwards. But for a moment, he had that sweet $31 of cash in his hands.

You cannot beat the punchline of Doug who says, my name's Doug. I like to shuffle. And then 30 straight seconds of silence. It's such a good punchline. What you can't see, is in the video, he's slowly crossing out things and writing on a whiteboard,

but he can't do that and rap at the same time. So the rap stops to wait for him. But did you read what was on the whiteboard? It was meaningless to me. It was just words. So on one side, you had a bunch of big name retailers that they have just clearly yanked contracts from, so they're

no other than they sell contact computers. But on the other side, it just said, 50 more jimbo pickup trucks. Which is just like, what does that even mean? Exactly. Yeah, it's nonsense. And then he wrote it too. Actually, we're ordering five times from Jim Bob. Who?

What? Also, I'm going to dispute that Doug Jones has the best line because let's not forget that Ross gets to say my name is Ross and I like to dance. Selling computers is like making romance. He fucking steals Walter Payton's line. It's like we're just phoning it in. I think that he does sell computers like he makes romance. I bet he told his wife about the safety test that he'd sink sit in his. penis on their 50th date as he was like setting up the financing for a boob touch.

I think that's how he fucks. You unsealed it, honey. You have to use it now. You are correct. He's the dark side of Walter Payton's like, yes, I fail at this just like I fail at making romance. Yep. It's the exact same way.

I love that they end their rap pretty much on, we're not there yet, but we're coming on strong. I love that famous hip-hop confidence. Yeah, well, Rodca, Rod Canyon got fired about six months after this. It's just always a death now Every time they do this If you make like a corporate song At any point you summon like the Reaper

But I just still come back to like this is absolutely the thing That you have to blame things like the Bartman for Because it's that whole thing of like Oh this is cool now everyone can do it Yeah, if the fucking cartoon can do it I can do it If the blacks can do it Are we still doing the clapping at points

Or is that to stop now? We're stop pretending we're cutting anything. It all goes in. But like legit, like half the people in this video are absolute sort of Bill Gates level titans of change in computing. And here they are just dancing around badly and throwing compact portable PC3s at each other. And you're like, and every single one of them you know

showed this to their kids when they got home on VHS. If this amount of money doesn't buy you out of this kind of humiliation, what does? Yeah, I'm broke a shit. I'm way better than this. Yeah, I wouldn't. I don't have to do this. Sometimes I do.

But also the whole thing, I thought like at first it was just, you know, VHS cassette that someone's run through a washing machine and that's why it was all blurry. And then you realize that actually, you know, there is some kind of effect that they're trying to overlay over the whole thing. Our last song, it's the subsis rap from insis pharmaceuticals. Gareth actually sent us this one too. I'm stealing it because you'll see. We'll get to that. But before we do, before we get into the story around the video, for this next part,

I just want to talk around the video itself, like no backstory. I don't want to talk about who the people are or what the drug does or anything. Like, I don't want to spoil it, okay? Yep. We all in agreement? All right. Oh, I agree. I just want to take the art at its own value and we'll get into the backstory in the bonus podcast.

The song is called Great by Choice. It's a parody of an ASAP Rocky song. It's by two insis sales reps called Z Real and A-Bean. So you already want to fight them. And it's guest-starring a bunch of people from the top brass of incis pharmaceuticals itself. And I'll just play it. Again, I think we're going to let this one play all the way through because, not because it's good. This is maybe the worst one.

But there are points of it that are directly relevant. We'll need to talk about, especially in the bonus podcast. So buckle up. This is the worst one. Somehow the compact rap has aged better. There's, I don't know, there's like a, I won't say joy to it, but there's less cynical hatred. I thought the compact one was sweet. Comparatively, absolutely.

Every generation gets to corporate racks some they deserve. We deserve this one. Like there's a specific type of the competition, man, I'm unleashing a, oh word, you should print the rep report and go and have a read-along. You don't think my... Like, there's a specific type of flow that you can tell, you can just tell this. tell this guy is like cornered you in an elevator and been like listen to my new rap it's like Dave I just want to know where you're gonna eat your sales targets this year I can I can combine those things

but before your first script we need to print you out of opt and out this is rap by people who use the word deck I'll lap you on this track group as a matter of fact while I shatter this rap let's tether and grass my delivery it's giving me 38% of this industry plus my byvelability I'm built a lash y'all can't get rid of me how'd even be sick of me but it's Zad effects, diarrhea.

This ain't no fight at all. If you're trying to ball, I'll supple to teach you like it with xylitol. I almost don't have to tell you, but that was performed by a guy in a giant faux medical inhaler costume. You knew that. You could hear it.

Rugtile you're at a tubby. Why do it so many times? Are we dancing to this? Do they think someone is dancing to this? They absolutely think somebody's dancing to us. I almost don't need to tell you what it looks. like, just like I didn't need to tell you what the boardroom of the compact rap like, but it's two relatively young white guys ironically doing rap hands and putting on gold

chains. It's all filmed on the rooftop of what I assume are their corporate offices. I'm going to fight you a little on the ironically. I think these guys think they look fucking awesome. Yeah, this is a hundred percent than what they wear when they're driving their least Mercedes everywhere across the country. See, I don't, I think they'd be worried about getting beaten up if they dress like this in public? But you're right. Irony requires a degree

of shame. That would require them to move in circles and drink at the kind of bars where people like them get beaten up and they just would never go near them. I mean, they do film part of this in a graffitied alley. I feel like that's high risk for them.

Like maybe they had to rent that alley from some teenagers or something. I would guarantee you that they bought a skate park, filmed it, and then put a skate park out of business. That's how they still that thing. You're right.

That's the NARC move. That's fully the NARC move. Yeah. They open this rap by saying A-Been and Z, Reel, are back again. Like they were ever here in the first place. It's incredible. Like, they've only heard rap say, all were back again. So, like, we should say that.

No, no, no. It's just like they take all the eras of joy from corporate songs and go, we are now in the era where it just feels dirty. It's charmless, yeah. These guys, I think they do this a lot. Like, I bet they, probably have done this a karaoke 50. Like, this is a three out of ten lonely island karaoke performance.

Like, they've done many times. If they were your friends, you'd be like, oh, these guys fucking do it again. Worse than that, they've done it. They've done it. They've done it. karaoke in Japan at an event. Right. And like all their Japanese salespeople have been like, don't do this, please. seem very, very proud of themselves.

Like, that's how unlikely this is. They're very serious. I credit them with some irony in only the sense. I guess I shouldn't say irony. I should say hatred. I mean hatred. There's like a, there's a disdain, an open disdain

that I feel all throughout this. But it's just also that like, it's very clearly, like you say, filmed on the roof of their corporate headquarters. But their corporate headquarters isn't even anywhere cool. Like, when I was working, when I lived in New York, I was working at Haymarket Publishing, We did our Christmas party at a bar,

and the corporate Christmas party finished at this, like B2B publisher, finished at spot on 8pm, but no one kicked us out. Suddenly there were all these bottles of blue Cavassier turning up on the table, so me and a couple of other lads hung around. Turned out that was a Def Jam Records Christmas party

that it just seagued into. You just merged into it. But like, this is not that. This is like, I don't know, is it Seattle, is it Toronto? It just likes the Sims version of New York. Like, where is it filmed? I'm feeling Cleveland.

I'm feeling Midwest city from this. I'm feeling like a city whose nightlife ends at 7 p.m. Yeah, like the Compact one is obviously filmed in Houston because that's where Compact were based. But, like, they're unashamedly Houston. This is like everyone is trying to be not Cleveland. It's also full of insider jokes about, like, going deeper than Dan in a submarine,

got more docks than Janelle's got selfies. It was played to a salesman. sales conference that would not understand them. Yeah, like, oh, it's so bad. Ain't trying to get no call from Yoshi. Hell no. Oh, no. That was one of the lines.

I guess she's who you call when you hawk a sales rep's tits. Yeah. We can come into your office and we can bring some lunch in. While your staff is getting fed, we can discuss substance. Oh, shit. That's what heat he's got on that line. Like, if you ever wonder where the line is between tribute and appropriation, there it is.

That's it. That was it right there. I mean, a mascot costume just wrapping, my delivery is giving me 38% of this industry. I'm built to last. You can't get rid of me. It's fucking great. It's a giant faux medical inhaler wrapping that with, that's who they got to do the like full aggression verse. I mean, as a British person, this is absolutely my vision of America. Because any time, if you throw on a VPN and watch the Super Bowl or anything like that, America is just adverts to medicine that kind of comes with like disclaimers, like Sean said, of like, may cause diarrhea or death, or like trying to sell you a large Ford truck. There's no, nothing else. But there's just nothing else. It was really disappointing that the inhaler did not wrap the side effects. I thought, here we go. Giving them side effects. Yeah. You got to get the guy with the quickest flow to do the side effects so that people can't hear them very well. And you can have plausible deniability. The inhaler also comes in with his own fly honeies.

I mention that only because one of them is actually a regional sales manager for its as pharmaceuticals. Is she the one who has no previous experience in sales? Yes, yes she is. Again, we'll get to why, and it's very funny, but that will be in the bonus podcast. We do seem to just get the corporate music videos we deserve. The infrograms one is pure 90s. The compact one is almost late 80s awfulness, and this is just, everything that's wrong with the world right now.

And it's so much worse than the others. I'll take the others. The others were almost adorable in comparison. Oh, yeah. If we're going to my funeral scale, like this is a 10 out of 10, like just I am coming back to haunt you if someone plays this.

If you want to play Info Graeme's Rocks My World at my funeral, fucking be my guest. Yeah, yeah. Everyone there would say, Robert would have loved this. You want to love this so what? It's just a copy of Unreal Tournament on your corpse as it goes into the heater.

I think what annoyed me the most about this is how much they thought they were good at this. Yes. Like they put this together so they could reveal some secret talent to their coworkers. Like, surprise everyone, we can do more than date rape. I'm like, oh, no. Turns out you can't. Turns out you can only do the one thing. I think you've nailed it.

The compact one is people who know they are bad at this. And their children are going to hate them, but they're going to love them anyway. The infograms one is like, we're just going to hire professionals to do this. This is everything that's wrong with kind of pros who think they can do anything. And sort of can and are in kind of control of the world. Anyway, subsis, the drug, they did this fun chronicles of Narnia-style nerd rap about. It's an aerosolized fentanyl delivery system. And the executives in this video went to jail for their role.

in a prostitution and kickback scheme that killed 8,000 people. See in the bonus podcast. On Hot Dog Beach, you're never alone. Somebody's always got your back. And if you're ever in trouble, just look for the Supremes. Aaron Crosston, Adrian H,

Alex Nolenberg, Alpha Scientist Javo, Anandi, Armando Nava, Autumn Armstrong Berg is helping a lost child return to their family. Bint Tulzer. Brandon Garlock. Brian Saylor. Brockway famously loves the meat millie is fighting a gang of fentanylidicted dolphins.

Burrito. Serral is dealing with the festive aftermath of a birthday hang gliding accident. Cheddar will. Common sense. Craig Lemoyne. Quaivas is escorting the president in the United States of America on his annual beach jog. Dan B. David Schull. Dean Costello. Delta Foxtrop.

Devin the Rogue Supreme. Doug Redmond is helping a lost family return to their child. Drason. Dusty's rad title. Elizabeth Shope just taught a suicidal swimming hobo that life is worth living again. Elliot Watson was that suicidal swimming hobo. Swimming Hobo. Now he's the CEO of a jet ski company. Eric Christian Berg. Eric Ria. Fancy Shirk.

Gareth is trying to save Beach Christmas from jaded elves just here to party. Jello. Good Satan and his Hot Witches. Greg Cunningham. Haraka. Harvey Pengweening. Hendrik Sorensen is getting Beach Audited by Beach Accountants. Honk. Jabar Al Aiden James Boyd

Jared Clack is helping a lost child and family return to their dog Jared Mountain Man Jared Ruiz Jeff O'Raskey John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff

Joseph Searle is trying to warn those teens their volleyball is actually a bomb Josh S Joshua Graves Justin B Ken Paisley K&S K&M, Kamutsas

KVH has to assassinate the jogging president to prove to the party elves there's still magic at the beach. Lane Hague, Lisa, M Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Reilly, Max Broy is trying to return a lost jogging president to his word secret service agents. Moju, mercenary sysadmin, Michael Lair, Mort. Mr. Bob Gray just had his his lifeguard truck stolen by a lost child.

Nd. Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, Neku 104, Nick Levino. Orn Reeval has collected all 7,000 lost beach children into an ad hoc army and declared war on hot dog beach. Ozzie Olin, Patrick Herbst, Riannon, Russell Baumon's suicidal Swimhobo Brandjetsky just exploded. and it's not a good company folks. Sarkovsky. Sean Chase.

Seed. Space Jam fan is now helping the jaded party elves revenge themselves upon Beach Santa. Spotty reception. Super naught. Tater's Tales. Ted H. Timmy Leahy.

Ose so much money in fucking beach taxes. There's just no way up at the sea. Toasty God. Tommy G. Velo, Wuster, Waylon Russell. Avon Clapham just saved another suicidal swimming hobo and taught him that the real beach taxes little something called love and friendship, everybody.

Zach and Ava. Thomas Cavatzos is just trying to do a classic gender-swapped prince in the pauper scam to save his grift or mother. But this beach is fucking crazy. There's some people stay in the darkness.