The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 223, Child of Peach with Dirk Marshall

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

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1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog, America's last comedy website. I'm Robert Brockway and my kung fu name is Tiny Monkey. And with me is the man known to his enemies only as Tiny Dog. It's Sean Baby. Hi, I'm Tiny Dog. It's a pleasure to be here.

And our guest. Oh no, there's only one kung fu name left. Oh, it's just... I didn't know this. I had my researchers assemble a list for me. I would have looked this over. I'm sorry to do this to you. It's our guest, Nightmelon Dark Marshall.

Oh, what a misdirect. Oh my gosh. I finished my bowl of piss. Happy to be here. You finished the whole bowl? Your kung fu is strong. Where can people find more from you? The podcast VHS you can find anywhere you're looking for podcasts.

It's a classic format is we have people on that have the profession that's portrayed in movies. So the Toxic Avenger with a janitor, Teen Witch with a witch, body parts with a surgical assistant, you get it. Yeah, V-H-U-S, anywhere there's podcasts to be found. And if you like spicy sauces, check out Marshall's Hoast Sauce. We make a bunch of seasonal locally sourced handmade spicy sauces and that's marshallshoastsauce.com. That's beautiful plugs. Yeah, nicece.com. They're so beautiful. Beautiful plugs. Yeah, nice sauces. We've mentioned that before. Beautiful sauces, fine plugs.

Tell your wife great sauces. I will. I probably it's probably great to be connected to a movie with so much piss involved. Piss is the sauce of the body. Marshall hot sauce. Like the sweet tangy piss of a magical peach. It's Pepper Piss, straight Pepper Piss. I'm sure with these hot sauce names, somebody's beat you to that. Oh yeah, there's ass blasters and Pepper Piss

are probably the number two hot sauces you can find. Yeah, right up there. Sean, would you like to plug anything? Oh, you plugged 1-900-HOTDOG, but you can support us at patreon.com slash 1-900-H slash 1900 hot dog we don't do any advertising except this shit that I'm saying right now so please go there and support us we do daily articles world class comedians write jokes about very very crazy shit every day like the good old days. I'll plug the rest of the the rest of the stuff we do we do big feats

which is our much more successful podcast with Jason Pargin where we watch a ridiculous show that should not exist Every single episode about hillbillies failing to catch Bigfoot Only they're not doing that anymore. You can also check out our store 1-900-hotdog.com and click shop up at the top We get new designs in Every month now. We've been really good about that, and sometimes more. And check us out on YouTube at 1900hotdog. There's even like a full video podcast for Big Feets where you see our handsome faces and you watch the way that our mouths make words. Like, you get to watch it happen. It's powerfully erotic. So go do all of those things or none of them.

I really don't care anymore. God. That's my point. Is there even an economy left? What's the point, guys? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why we're doing this. Fucking find us on the Beltway.

I don't know. We're the bad guys in World War III now. Like what the fuck are we doing acting cute on a fucking podcast? Well, I got a bunch of notes to say we got to act cute for a while. So that's Fine, let's talk about the peach piss We're watching a 1987 kung-fu movie called Child of Peach I did not do any research on this because the last couple of podcasts I have done research on and I have uncovered

vast criminal conspiracies that have killed thousands of real life people. I really just wanted a freebie. I wanted a good one. This definitely did that, but I also did no outside research. So we'll just interact with it as the artist intended. Okay. Fantastic. And Lester, do you know a lot about the backstory of this nightmare of a movie?

I know a little bit. For one, this will be a shocker to most of us. It's regarded as a children's film. Okay. Yeah, it's the first of technically three movies, so there was Magic of Spell after this and Magic Warriors. They're kind of all linked by the star, she who plays the Peach Boy,

Cao Lao Lin, or I think that's close, who was also in Kung Fu Wonder Child, which is great. And then I just know that the director also directed the Dragon Ball Z Magic Begins 1991 movie, which is also pretty memorable, if anyone's tracked that down. Yeah, I've seen that one. That's a great one.

You have totally similar vibes. Yeah. You can absolutely see it. It's got a thing. Less piss than that. Yeah, substantially, which like, I think there was more piss in the actual Dragon Ball cartoon. So way to drop the ball, buddy. Not enough piss is my note. It's my note for that one. So this movie, it opens in a magical peach garden atop the Himalayas where the Sword of Sun is the magical sword.

It's absorbing all the sunlight to make this garden oasis. And three clearly ADHD children jump into the screen using their kung fu magic powers to do various chores, which they do by warging into animals. And I want to stop and say, there's like a point in every like movie where I understand why this is the hot dog thing. Like when somebody suggests it to me, like, oh, OK, this is why you thought of us. And it came pretty fast here when one of the children turns like turns from a bird into a child and then proudly says, I'm tiny cock. turns from a bird into a child and then proudly says, I'm Tiny Cock. Yeah. I wrote down some subtitles here.

It said, Dad and Mom start playing magic. Naughty angels dance on the roof. I can't imagine that being anything other than these monkey dog and cock children listening to their parents have sex. Yeah, that's the other ones. They're all named Tiny. So there's Tiny Dog, Tiny Monkey, and then the other ones. They're all named Tiny. So there's Tiny Dog, Tiny Monkey, and then the Tiny Bird one got the name Tiny Cock.

And so they say, that's not like sometimes a kung fu movie gives them like five names and you're like, oh, that's not the one we're really going to use. That's the one they use. Yeah, there's no variation. There's no Tiny Bird. I'm small, no. They're like, you know what, you know what, just call me tiny.

No. Nope, full name, Tiny Cock every single time. And it makes me laugh every single time. I'm not above it. The last name is dripping and what's weird in Taiwan, sometimes they'll put the last name first. So I mean, like, a couple of those scenes are just like really troubling. There are some troubling scenes legitimately in this movie. So they're still they're doing their chores, right? The one's using one uses their lightning powers to make a hose to water trees. Like, that's not it's not how you would use lightning powers, right?

Yeah, I feel like a lot of the movies like that, where you're like, I kind of get what they're doing, they're using the magic to do chores, and then they just get every detail wrong. Every choice is insane. And you're like, yeah. Or like the monkey one turns into a like does a monkey kick to hit a broom and then starts sweeping just a dirt patch, just a patch of just moving dirt around in a dirt. Like there's just dirt under the dirt. What are you doing?

And it's totally normal. The thing is, like, they set the stage with, like, oh, here comes a magical kung fu child that just changed from an animal, and they do something crazy with their powers that does a chore. And the monkey comes out and, like, jump-kicks this broom and then, like, sweeps it and sends it flipping, and then it grabs it in its hands and it just sweeps normally. You're like, no, you were supposed to do it crazy style. You cost yourself four seconds for that monkey shit. Yeah, you don't need Kung Fu powers to do that. The dog just doesn't use its waist.

Like it becomes a boy and then just lifts the bamboo with lightning. But like you could have just picked it up. Again, all so much faster. The powers are getting in the way of your choice. Or just stay the dog and use the energy beams to pick it up. Again, all so much faster. So the powers are getting in the way of your choice. And use the energy beams to pick it up. I don't know. There's a lot of ways you can handle it. They always pick the weirdest one.

So there's also a hermit and his wife in the cave while the kids are out doing chores. They have a new son who is being raised on the drippings of a giant peach. You know how you can tell it's the sun? How? I don't wanna, I was hoping someone else would say it because there's a lot of child penis in this movie.

I didn't wanna be the one to say that exact thing. There's so much that there's a point later on that we'll probably get to where a child ages like three times and every single time there's a shot of the penis. Yep, the cock is out. You think we might talk about that? You think we might mention that? There's more than one tiny cock in this movie.

The tiny cocks get lost. That's that. Rock-way wordplay. The hermit gets in on this. The hermit uses his kung fu magic to just play with some swords, like to no end. He makes a he makes it he looks like it hurts him so bad to do kung fu magic. Like he puts his fingers together and then he just like goes, oh, oh, oh, like he just pulls a lightning bolt out of the air. But it it costs him a lot.

And then he just starts playing with, he starts playing rocket swords. He just makes him shoot all around the house in this household with a new baby until his wife looks at him like, are you fucking serious right now? And he puts his magic swords away. Right, sorry, honey. He does take out a couple of stalactites,

which seems really noisy, but also like, is this a chore? Is this something he's been like meaning to get to for years and he's just finally gonna knock down these stalactites. But this had to have been so much trouble with their budget in Taiwanese 1987 film editing technology and there was no point. Like this is not how you tidy a cave and if it was like, like I said, this is a chore he's been putting off way too long.

And it's a... baby nap is a terrible time to do your cave wall smashing. To rocket sword through the cave stalactites above the baby. Yeah. Yeah, next time you're saying anything other than giving your child a bath or bedtime, make sure to get your swords out and see how well that goes over. Yeah. Alright, gonna start playing with swords in the living room. I'm fucking serious. No, no, you're not going to do that.

I've been meaning to bust open these rocks for a while, sweetheart. Just you take the kids to bed. I'll be down here smashing rocks. So they're they're invaded by a series of giant mothballs that explode into Oompa Loompas, and they are led by a ghost samurai named King Devil. I hope you like that sentence. It's all like that from here on out. I had almost exactly the same thing. They are so obviously Oompa Loompas. Like there's no other way to describe these Oompa Loompa monsters.

They're Kung Fu Oompa Loompas and he's some sort of ghost samurai. He's named King Devil. He wants the sun sword that brings warmth to this little garden. So tiny dog, tiny monkey, and what's the other one? I can't remember. Some really normal names. Whatever it was, they all fight the Oompa Loompas, completely forgetting about King Devil, who just walks to the peak of the mountain and takes the sword. What a great distraction. It worked 100%. They outnumber the Oompa Loompas. It worked a hundred percent. They outnumber the Oompa Loompas. You just have one guy pay attention to the main guy there to do the thing. No, they just let him walk right up there and take it.

And of course, the snow creeps in, the garden is no longer magical. He uses that sword to blast one of the children right back into a tiny cock. I believe it was the child named Tinycock, if that helps at all. Okay, I want to talk a little about the films. I guess you'd call it for similitude. I'm not against wild things happening in the movie, but I feel like they might have gone just a couple of steps too silly to the point where I just kind of can't believe anything that's happening on the screen. I'm

kind of like, I don't think that King Devil would do that. I don't think Tinycock would do that. It's, I don't know. That's just my note for the movie. Is that like, it's hard for me to go on this journey with you. It's a step beyond how so. Like where there's some sort of internal non-logic to it, where you're like, okay, this is a magic house. I understand. Some crazy shit's gonna happen. Here it's just like, it's so non-stop and it's the same way with his Dragon Ball movie where you're just like, I normally like to assume that if I don't understand something in like a foreign film, it's because

I don't have like the folklore basis, the folklore knowledge to like get what you're referencing. I don't believe any of this happened. I don't believe any of this happened in any of your stories. There's no, the peach doesn't piss in anyone's mouth. I don't think that happens. I do know this is based off a Japanese story, but I did not look any further into like how closely they nailed the story or if they just were like, yeah, and then there's a bad guy, we'll just call him King Devil. He laughs 99% of the time and flies around with us. Like, it's just... It's too much laughing, yeah. Knowing that this is a Japanese folktale,

I believe that there are children who can turn into animals. I believe there's a baby that gets lost along the way somewhere, and there's some sort of ghost samurai. Sure, sure, sure. I think the rest of this is your maniac pervert shit, though. I think like 90% of this. For sure. Okay, so King I think the rest of this is your maniac pervert shit though. I think like 90% of this. For sure.

Okay, so King Devil has the sword. The wife demands that the giant peach protect her baby, and that's when we realize it's a sentient giant magic peach. Yeah, this was quite a shock. The King Devil blasts the hermit and apparently kills him. It just didn't really seem like he did a lot. The peach ejects its pit so it can be replaced with baby. They put the baby in the peach and the mom gets... Again, a very diaperless, no underpants baby. Close up.

The mom gets blasted too and King Devil just zooms away cackling, totally successful in this attack that had zero planning and took mere seconds of effort He could have done this anytime and at any point there was never a plan Uh, he just walked up the top of the mountain and grabbed it and then killed everybody and they were like, well Didn't prepare for that one at all. That's on us. They did jam a baby in a peach I mean they didn't do nothing I think there's one scene where the the dad whoever, yeah, the dad of the baby was like,

why'd we pick three animal children as guardians for this sword? Like, that is a terrible play. Yeah, that didn't work. The first time you hit them, they turn back into the tiny animals, turns out. And I don't think that one's name is Tiny Cock. I think he's fucking with me. Gotta earn that nickname. He's just trying to get me to say it, and I won't do it. So a fairy comes in just as the magical peach zooms away with a baby inside, and she sums all the animal children there. It was crazy in this, I assume it's a mistranslation, in that she is calling out for the hermit and she says, landlord?

She calls him the landlord? Yeah. Yeah, that was weird. I don't think that's an interchangeable word with, like, ma'am or mother, but maybe it is. I don't know, I don't understand the culture. Or hermit, or sifu? Like, I don't think, I think this guy's been renting out

like acorn holes to fairies, and I think you get what you deserve, man. When you guys were teenagers, you didn't refer to your parents as landlords? No. So then we cut to another old Kung Fu master and all we know about him is that he hates his terrible wife. Just a classic, classic Chinese sitcom couple.

But they are actively praying to Buddha to make her pregnant. She is, they explicitly say she is 70 years old here. She is praying for death by vaginal trauma. That's what she wants out of life. I did take down a quote of when the old man hates his wife He says old lady. Would you be a little hurry, please? You're really slow like an old cow Damn it like there's no mirth in that at all. There's no joke. He just fucking hates this lady

I was hoping you were gonna read the other quote that I took down. Oh My god, I definitely have it in my... I could say it with you if you'd like. People say that an old clam will bear pearls. That's a gross way to ask Buddha for a baby, I think. There it is. Yep. People say this old vagina can still make a baby.

They don't say that. That's one of those things that I 100% believe you made up. I don't think that's an ancient Chinese saying. Did you Google old clam-bearing pearls? I did not. You won't believe it? I did not. Jamie, I want you to cut the next three minutes of description of what I found.

Jesus Christ! You can't say things like that. I don't care if it's a quote. We knew that going in. That's why we cut it. Even an old clam can make pearls. So there's a Kung Fu magic knew that going in. That's why we cut it. Even an old clam can make pearls. So there's a there's a kung fu magic specific saying about geriatric pregnancy. I don't think there is. I don't think there is. I like how the old guy was. He's like more reasonable than her.

He's like he'd settle for a cat or a dog or even a tiny pig. That's even a tiny pig. He just wants a pet. You're like, you don't have to ask Buddha for a pet. You can just get one. Get a pig. Yeah, just don't kill the next pig you find and you've got a pet. All of a sudden a chubby samurai clown blasts down out of the sky and they're not surprised by this. They immediately just thank Buddha for sending them a huge, fully grown fat son. Literally what they asked for. Thanks, Buddha. I believe they call him a fatty son. They said, thank you Buddha. Thank you Buddha for my fatty son.

Like it's a category of son. The old guy says I can born a melon too. Not sure what he meant by that. So this local, this fatty son is named Lord Nightmelon and he exploded out of the sky for no reason that will be explained. Like you think, oh, okay, because here come his retainers and they run up are like, are you okay? Are you okay? Here's where you explain like,

it's crazy that you got fired out of a cannon back there or whatever. And they're like, you were on a bird hunting trip. Did you find your bird? Zero explanation for why he exploded out of the sky. I guessed that he had climbed the tree to try to get the bird he shot with an arrow and then fell out of it.

But that was me trying to talk logic into the- That's pretty generous. It's not impossible. He cannonballed in over the Buddha's shoulder like he had been launched. But sure, I mean, maybe. They ask him where his bird is, and so he says it's in the tree and he rips the whole bamboo root out of the tree and just throws it to the ground.

Like as to like, here, I'm done hunting. But the bird rode that tree straight into the dirt. At no point, at no point did the bird think, I'm gonna get out of here. That bird was just like, he's got me fair and square. This is what I mean by choices. Like the movie wants us to get introduced to this character in a comical way.

Like, oh, they're asking for a son. They have mistaken this man falling from the sky as their adult son that Buddha gave them. Already it's a little weird, but I think you'd make that work. Instead they just, they have him fall for no reason. They have him suddenly be a super strong bird hunter. The bird is crazy.

The bird clearly wants to die. None of it has any like root in reality. I'm there with your fantastical setup, but then it's the seemingly normal things you do after that that you're like, and now he just sweeps with a broom. Like that's the crazy part that you just did. It's all fucking weird.

So while washing clothes in the river, the old lady comes across the giant peach and her first instinct is to run from it. Yes. Like, I get it. You know, whenever I see one of those giant pumpkins that people grow, my fighter flight kicks in. If it was a nine foot pumpkin, you would.

And if, and I think that's what a three foot peach is it's like finding a nine foot pumpkin you're like something's wrong here. I'm gonna run yeah or I'm gonna fucking kick its ass. I really liked Attack of the Killer Tomatoes when I was a kid so when I saw this peach like the three foot peach I'm like oh that's an evil peach that's coming to kill you just because like I've seen that movie so many times. Okay. You got maybe that's why I took it that way. You got fruit poisoned at a young age. Fruit poisoned at a young age. Yep. That's what happened. I just like that the peach is like fucking with her for no reason.

Like it's just like bouncing and teasing her and taunting her. All the time it's full of a baby which is really weird. Right. It's supposed to protect the baby. It's just shaking the shit out of it. God, it's full of baby. It's supposed to protect the baby, it's just shaking the shit out of it. God, it's full of baby. So she gets in a little kung fu fight with the giant peach before chasing it down the river rapids in her wash basin boat. I want to talk about this stunt because they don't have a lot of special effects.

They used all the special effects budget for the flying sword. So to get this scene, it looks like what they did is they took an old lady and threw her in a bucket and just let it go down the rapids. That's exactly what they did. There's quite a bit of that. She's gonna get that fucking peach. If she washes up in Vietnam, she's gonna kill that fucking peach. She's so determined to get it.

This movie, there's so much of that in this movie. There are so many stunts here where you're like, wait, hold on, that was real. Yeah. That guy's dead now. People died for this movie, for this movie. Yeah. Knowing what happened with Milo and Otis, how many old women do

you think drown in this movie? Yeah, that's, I mean, go back though. The lady from the early scenes, not the ones from the later scenes. She lassoes the peach and then goes land-based water skiing in her wash basin until her ass bursts into flames. And? And she rubs it on a tree to put it out. And?

And? The peach blasts her in the ass with peach urine. She turns around and gets it in her face and specifically says, It's not juice, it's warm, it's salty, it's peach urine. And she finishes off by saying, You piss on my face, how dare you, peach? I agree, what dare you, Peach? I agree, what the fuck, Peach?

She was handling it! You don't need to piss on her! I just love ancient foreign comedy, and the miles and miles it is from what we know as normal funny. It's just so fucking weird. And it's a kids movie, just to remind everybody. Right. That's good old-fashioned children's comedy, when a Peach pisses on an old woman's burning ass.

You're like, yes. You know, bullshit, my daughter would be that joke. Yeah, that's... That's for the whole family. Substitute, put Jack Black in there. Jack Black pissing on her. Yeah, 300 million opening weekend, for sure. That's how you get it.

It's in the new Minecraft movie, I hear. Yep. So she brings the peach home eventually, and the old man doesn't believe her that there's a giant peach, even when she tells him, it pissed on me. And the old man says, well, I'll go eat it. I'll go eat that whole peach full of piss. Yeah, that's, that's, this is all very good description of what happens in this movie. I have no notes. It's kind of, it's kind of hard to have notes on this movie.

I found the same thing. It was like, well, I've just described what happened. What can I possibly add to that? I disagree with all the choices this movie makes just to take that and apply that to all future comments about it. Yeah, I was watching this on my laptop where I was also taking notes, and it took me so long to get through this movie because literally every single thing that happens in it, I'm like, well, that's of note.

Yeah, I've got that right. Yes. The world must know of this. This surely is going to come in handy later in the movie. I'm going to need to know that. This whole segment gets weird because the peach keeps bumping, it sneaks up on him. Kind of like a horror movie. It's like a horror movie where the peach is this dark enemy. And he's rubbing the old man's ass.

And the old man is like, oh hey, you're grabbing my butt during a peach hunt, huh lady? And she's like, no. I can't remember how she puts it, but she's like, I never touch your ass. I'm old. Don't you realize we're elderly? We don't fucking get frisky anymore. And this helps him realize, oh, I'm probably being stalked by an ass grabbing peach. Yes. The only answer left to me having eliminated all of the other options. It can only be. And then my notes say that the peach goes behind a curtain and it's vibrating like it's jerking off. That's just what it says in my notes. I don't know if this is the experience you guys had.

When you saw the peach vibrating behind the curtain, you're like, okay, it left a jerk off for a bit. Right? This is a vulgar peach. They already said it's already molested an old man and pissed on an old woman's ass. Like, yeah, it's gonna jerk off. That's what all this was for.

Yes, it broke the old man. That's enough. I'm gonna go, in my spank bag, I'm leaving to jerk it. Like a bus pervert. So it gives birth to the child inside. That's what it's really doing. And the old woman simply asks, how come the baby is in the peach? It also shoots lasers around and causes everything to float in the whole house, which is really crazy. This is what I'm saying about it's the normal part that's the weird part.

Cause they do all this weird shit. You're like, uh-huh, uh-huh. And then the old lady's like, how come that's in the peach? You're fucking asking that? Wait before the baby, there's a part where he gets a bit of flaming wood and the peach farts the fire out. Yeah. It has a fire extinguisher and like he shoots the old man with electricity.

It's like a fucking R2-D2 It just got everything inside that peach whatever. It's a fruit based pervert R2-D2 That's a perfect way to describe it. No, no, it's again. So they decide to name the baby Peach Kid. Oh, yeah I mean, what else do you do? Could have been tiny cock It'll cuz otherwise I think you'd forget about the child's origins like if you just named it Steve you'd be like What where do we get Steve again? Oh right, from the peach, from the magic butt grabbing... Yeah, from the molesting peach that attacked both of us in our old age.

Oh... We've led quite a life, honey. So there's a time jump, jump ahead a little bit. We jump also to an army of dwarves and zombies and dwarf zombies who want their grandmother to wake up from her bed inside a termite mound. We jump also to an army of dwarves and zombies and dwarf zombies who want their grandmother to wake up from her bed inside a termite mound. That's almost exactly what I have in my notes, yes. Yep.

100%. This turns out to be some sort of personal hell dimension that they've been trapped in for past sins and King Devil, the ghost samurai in his army of kung Fu, Palumpas, they all teleport in to bust them out with the Sun Sword. I feel like this is really tiring to listen to if you're trying to like... Because your mind's trying to put it together. There's also like a lot of emotional whiplash too, because they get the old lady out and you're like,

oh cool, we're gonna see like some sort of a magic thing. She's like, nah guys, we can't get out of here. I'm going back to sleep. And then King Devil comes like, no guys, we're getting the fuck out! You're like, what is happening in the scene? So he gets them out and it makes them all young again and also gives them rainbow afros.

Yeah. Right. There's two little people in the rainbow wigs holding rakes. I thought that's a, that's a wonderful choice. Attack rakes. Attack rakes. Each with a sharpened, with a sharpened spine on each one. These are, to be clear, they are rakes. Each with a sharpened spine on each one. To be clear, they are rakes. Like this is not some Chinese weapon that looks like rake. This is a garden rake. They also have the guitarist from Vixen, if you remember that band, sweet band. They got Kelsey Grammer, Beast,

and they also have Taiwanese He-Man. I don't know if that's exactly what you had in your notes, but I'm guessing you have something close. At one point they do name him and they call him Hercules. I think it might supposed to be the actual Hercules. It's in this movie. This is so good. And once again, I don't think the actual Hercules

was in your ancient Japanese myth. I think you're fucking around. Yeah. Is what I think you're doing. Little People Rainbow Wigs holding rakes. That sounds like an ancient Chinese ghost that I haven't heard of. But like, yeah, Hercules, I don't buy it. Nope.

Kelsey Grammershark? Yeah, okay. Sure. Sure. Kelsey Grammershark is so dead on, it's ridiculous. So Turmite Witch sends her rainbow Afro clown dwarf zombies to attack a local village with their with their bladed rakes. But they get too too distracted because the first guy they see gives them some gruel and

they're like, fuck yeah, gruel. Let's do this gruel. Just sit down to eat some gruel and forget about the attack. So everybody else has to pick up the slack. They run into attack and there's like, there's the shark guy, the shark guy kills some swimmers. And one of the dads sees this happening and goes, Bobby, no!

So he knows the shark? I didn't know if he was talking to the shark. He named his kid Bobby, that ancient Chinese name Bobby. I'm like, why localize the one name? Maybe he came out of Bobby. I don't know. I don't know what a bobby is.

It's some kind of fruit probably. A bobby molested me and my wife and then gave birth to this child. We named him Bobby Kid. British cop. Yep. The witch has a flamethrower, which I liked because it comes out of her broom,

but not where you think there's like a little head at the tip of it and it shoots out of the mouth. So she's like holding it up kind of like a big spray can. And how did they achieve this special effect? Oh, they fucking lit all those stunt people on fire, I imagine. That's just an actual flame thrower. Yeah, she's shooting a flame thrower.

She's shooting a stream of like gasoline at stunt men who burst into flames. And there's just, a lot of them, they do not seem to realize that was on the stunt list because they're like, they're 20 feet away, like doing a fight and they're like, okay, cool, we're in the background of this scene where that guy over there, clearly in the foreground is going to do the fire scene. Whoops, I'm doing the fire scene now.

Yeah, they set everything on fire, the entire town. That flamethrower is fucking scary. Like those little people have to run straight through the flames like not not on a little track like through the flames This is why we should have done outside research because I bet 11 people or more died during yeah I'm glad I didn't because I don't need to be I don't need to be stay tuned for the bonus episode where I talk About all the little people that died to make this movie. No, this is we're gonna we're plausible deniability. This is all fun There's an ogre the og ogre, the Hercules. Hercules is out there.

Taiwanese He-Man is out there. There's a guy we didn't mention with a big sack full of wind who is very important. Windbag is what I called him. Windbag. That's what, that's his hellraiser name for sure. Yeah, for sure. Guy with a, he just got a sack full of wind

and sometimes he opens it and a bunch of wind comes out and like blasts somebody and like, yeah, that rules. That's the like, I believe that's in some ancient Japanese myth and yeah, you should see that. Yeah, I saw that guy and I'm like, okay, that's one of those weird ghosts we don't have over here. Yeah, and that rules. I want to know more about it. Show me more of that guy. So they burn the village down and then they knock the village down and then they come in and explode the village in that order. Just fuck the holy shit out of this village. The fairy describes this as, the devil has begun his slaughtering business.

It's well said. Gentle way to put it. Peach Kid, she decides Peach Kid needs to grow up. So she casts a magic spell to make him grown, only she miscasts it and he's briefly fat, which she hates. So she makes him skinny again with magic. This is one of those scenes where the whole time, just know, Cock was out.

For no reason, he's wearing a robe and they won't even close it. Yeah, just close the robe. Why do we need it? It's such a choice to include so much penis. Yeah. Yeah, like your assistant director was come up and be like,

okay, do we really need all three of the children's cocks in this? Like, just hear me out. Maybe we skip like the fat transformation, only two child cocks. What do you think? Wardrobe came back with five options for the underpants. No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, we won't. No, no, no, no. The only way they'll know it's the same kid is if his dick's out. That's his thing. I guess it's true. It's pretty true. His haircut changes,

but his exposed penis always remains the same. It's good filmmaking. You talked me into it, Dirk. You're right. It's just, it's like how in animation, like you gotta give him a hat or something so they know. Who is this guy? I can't tell who this guy is. There's too many characters. Oh wait, is that his cock? I know who that is. Is he holding a bag of wind or is his dick exposed? That's how you tell them apart.

So the child now has kung fu powers and he uses them to do various things. One of them is to knock a burning cauldron onto the old man's head. And like, they all enjoy a good laugh, except the old man is going, oh my God, it burns, it burns so bad. And he even says, Jesus, Jesus, that hurts as they laugh at him. It is funny. It's funny the way you tell it.

Like it's all staged exactly. Like here's a wacky antique. These are cartoon consequences. And then they have him just screaming in real pain the whole time they're laughing. Like that's the weird thing. You did the weird thing again. In a movie where like death has high stakes,

like people die in this movie and it's very sad. Like people like this is a tragedy. The world is being destroyed by King Devil. Like and so we're meant to think this does hurt, this person, these people in this universe are capable of feeling pain, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, and taking damage.

And he certainly does get horrific burns all over his, but they don't show it in the next scene, obviously, but he sure feels it. The zombie army, the devil army attacks a castle this time. And once again, they just like that whole fucking thing on fire. There's so many people on fire that don't look like they're supposed to be on fire here. Yeah, there's not like a lot of fire retardant gel. Yeah, you're looking for the gel.

Yeah. Or full face masks, you know what I mean? Like we're used to seeing people get burned in movies that have like a SWAT uniform on or something to hide their face. No, nothing like that. They just, it's a dude in kung fu pajamas. Yeah, there's like a couple dudes in pajamas. They're straight up fully engulfed in flames like all the way up his body. There's no gel, there's no nothing.

You're just like, I don't think they knew yet you were supposed to do it as a stunt. I thought, I think when they were putting this movie together, they're like, how are we going to get away with this stunt? And the guy's like, what do you mean? You do it as a stunt. I thought I think when they were putting this movie together, they're like, how are we going to get away with this stunt? And the guy's like, what do you mean? You just light me on fire. I think that's probably true. I only wrote down for this part, more death from the gang and man, windbag guy rules.

That's my yeah, he does rule. It's crazy. Just pop and open this bag and blast people. But he's also got a sweet spin kick. Like he saves the bag for special occasions. Yeah, he whips your ass. And then if it's not if it's really funny, he opens the bag and then blasts you away with it. Which is just it's it's perfect. I would this is this is my weapon in Monster Hunter. If they had this weapon in Monster Hunter. Yeah. Yeah, I'm using the bag.

Except there's no pipes. it's just death bag. Just death bag. So the fairy stops by, she's like, looks around all the slaughter, it's like, fucking kid, you gotta grow up again. I'm sorry, I know I'm rapidly aging you through your entire lifetime, and you're losing years every time I do this. But you gotta grow up, the devil army is fucking everything up. So she does, grows again again until like pre-teen, I wanna say at this point. It's a weird choice again,

that now that the child is finally old enough to be exposed, to be naked on TV without a crime being committed, now they're fully clothed and a 20 year old woman, which I thought every choice is strange. And the thing is, of course, we're used to like Peter Pan being played by a woman. Like if you want an adult actor to look like a teen boy,

you hire a woman. So that part I'm like, okay, I get what they're doing, but like she's kind of like thick, like she's kind of a shapely womanly woman, you know? She's not like Sandy Duncan. She's not like a bony lady with sprightish features. She just looks like a pretty lady. Maybe I'm talking weird. Maybe I'm saying weird things, but it's hard to describe this movie in a sane way. Yeah, this movie feels like a trap to get you canceled for trying to describe it. It's not that it's like super problematic because like the it's just it's of that age.

And it's like bizarre enough. Like I'm not offended by it. But I feel in trying to describe what happens to somebody, I'm getting put on a list. I feel again, again, like the choice going in felt like a sane one. Like, hey, we want this to look like a teen boy, but we need an adult actor for like, you know, we're gonna light them on fire. We can't light a kid on fire. So let's get about that boss. We're gonna have to fucking reschedule. Okay, no, okay. Okay. So I guess my point is that going in, they knew the protocol for for hiring a woman to play a teen boy and then just fucked it all up. Like they did every other thing in the movie. That is absolutely the theme.

We can cut out all my thoughts on this grown woman playing a new teen boy, I guess. So the kid, it's feats of strength. They just say he digs out a well that for some reason blasts out like a fire hydrant. That's not how wells work. It's it's weird to do that. And again, another weird choice is like, OK, let's establish this is a teen boy. Let's take this grown woman and just blast her in the chest with a geyser of water so her unrestrained wet boobs can flop around. Like, I'm just, it breaks the similitude. That's what I'm saying. Next she carries the old man up a mountain to do some logging, catches a tree, just generally like, okay, this is now a superpowered child.

Meanwhile, the devil army has kidnapped the princess from that castle, and the king has offered her hand in marriage as a reward for anyone rescuing her. So all the best kung fu knights go to rescue her, which is just fatty-sun night melon. That's it. That's all this kingdom has is one is one hefty dude who explodes himself while out hunting birds. There's enough characters. I think this was maybe the good choice they made. Like we didn't need 15 more Kung Fu guys on top of Kelsey Grammar Shark and Bagman. When they introduced like the guy from the Southern Army or whatever the other. Yeah, that's not quite enough characters. So there's one more. Yeah. And then I was like, I can't take anymore.

So please, we need to start paring it down a bit. Yeah, yeah. So to test the strength of their various warriors, they line up to fight a bull and they accomplish this by just having a bunch of people abuse the shit out of a bowl in a cage. Just they've got a bowl in a cage with its head out and a bunch of Kung Fu stuntmen are going over there and just yanking its neck around until it gets really pissed off.

Yeah. And then they let it out, and it's just an angry bull running into the actors in sheer panic. And it tries to kill and probably successfully does a few of them. And then in the movie, Peach Kid grabs it by the head and flips it over his own head and body slams it to death. Just obliterates that thing. To cover up that it's dead, they go, it passed out. No, nothing survives that. I've seen wrestling tragedies. Nothing survives that one.

Yeah, so anyway, this is the hope of all mankind. A six-month-old woman with no fight training who has killed one cow. I mean, your alternative is Fatty Son Nightmelon. That's the only other guy you have that has a name. All the rest of the unnamed guys aren't doing this. They're just here to burst into flames. There's someone with a good name I can't remember. Oh, Tiny Cock. That's what I'm trying to remember. So the Knights want Peach Kid to go to war with him, having seen him kill Bull. And the old man is like, no, technically he's like three weeks old. I don't think that's ethical. I'm on his side here, but the grandma is like, fuck yeah, get to war, get to war, son. And they decide there's only one way to settle this argument, and that

is with domestic violence. Oh my gosh, this part. Like, explicitly made, like, take their time step by step to say, this isn't the funny kind of kung fu violence. We're going to go in the other room and hurt each other over this. I didn't understand this at all. To like, a weird version of the Addams Family theme. It's so bizarre. Like, it starts and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is the

Adams family theme. And then it doesn't quite get to the hook. And I'm like, Oh, what? Yeah, do it again later on with a different song. And I was like, this is so weird. These weird flavors of a weird. It's a very unsettling scene. My notes say I have no framework for understanding what is happening. And that's that accounts for about five minutes in the movie. The rest of it. I'm like, I think I get what they're trying. But this one one I'm just like, nope.

This is madness. I don't explicitly want you to pause and be like, it's like that scene in Dragged Across Concrete. Let's stop the movie and do a different little mini movie Yep. with its own flavor of madness where they just want to hurt each other, but then they, every time the child hears them hurting, hears mommy and daddy hurting each other and opens the door they pretend Oh, we're just playing and then they close the door again and hurt each other some more. Yeah. All right. It's a kid's movie

Yeah, I don't know. That's that's the real that's a really fucked up scene I think it's supposed to be funny and I don't really get it But night Melon's army is is departing to go fight Devil army, and there's the last new character, I think, which is his name is Priest Bowie, and he comes to join the fight, and the first thing the priest does, I'm not making this up, his special move is to steal underwear. It's pretty good. Pulls the underwear off of Nightmelon, cut. That's enough. That's a normal thing we can understand. Moving on to the next scene.

And he does it magically, He does it without touching him. He like zips over and then uses like an invisible power to steal the underwear of a young man because he's priest Bowie. And then never again does he do anything magical. That's it. That's the one magical thing he does in the movie is steal a young man's underwear. If you got to just have the one power, that's that's the one right. That's it. Then you gotta just have the one power, that's it then one, right? That's it.

Then it convinces them, they're like, this guy's gonna steal the underwear of anyone who fucks with him. He's invincible, he's gotta come. They also start talking about fighting the devil army and from this point on, they start calling it ghost busting. Yeah.

Why not? This is canonically a ghost busters movie. Might be the best one. I agree. It's number two for sure. That's not a high bar. So the old man, the grandpa, he knows Peach Kid is going off to war and he wants to go with him. So he dresses up in his best trash armor and says, I want to go ghostbusting with my son.

That's literally a line that he says. He demonstrates what he's going to do with the ghost and the old lady says, "'Jesus, your kung fu is nothing but a shit.'" Yes, I love it so much. I wrote that down. Just when I forget that it's a kid's movies, she says something like that, I go, "'Oh, that's right. This is for children.'"

The story they're trying to tell is saying, like, this old man wants to go to war, but he's too old. So they're like, how do we show that he's like, just too old to go to war? So he starts climbing two trees like Donkey Kong jr. Style With his other spear stuck in a different tree, and they get to the top and just falls and eats shit

and he's like oh, I'm I might die from this and Okay, what what was that every detail of it was insane I? He ends that scene so this scene is introduced with wacky kung fu antics. They're like, look, look, he's doing bad kung fu. Oh, he's- he's messing it up. Your kung fu is nothing but a shit. Ha ha ha. And then he hurts himself on the tree, and he grabs the tree and starts weeping and just turns to his wife and says, I'm old. I'm really old now. Like he's just realized. And then they watch their son run off to war

on his sexy womanly legs. What is with the tone shift fucking mash tragedy? Yeah, what? Death comes for us all, my love. Fart. And not for the reasons it thinks. It's like, oh, it's so weird. What's with the peach thing?

Like, we're so crazy. No, what's with the sudden, like, realizing his mortality thing? And the piss, all right. The piss is, the piss is weird. We're almost in my favorite scene, which I can't wait to hear your thoughts on. I have thoughts on the very next one

because she does chase down the army. There's like an army marching to war, and she like stops, it stops the whole fucking army march and says, "'Guys, wait for me!' And they're what no what who are you we can't bring we can't add a woman sized toddler to an army that's just like it doesn't function as well as one without that thing i just said like i don't know you can't just give commands to a group of guys and then oh also we have this baby here with us who's insane and doesn't know anything

that's just not how armies work. To reject him he says, Peach Kid, you're a good bull wrestler, but you're no ghostbuster. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. So the three animal kids from the start see this rejection, they define it as bullying, and they run out to like sort of join up,

but first take revenge. That's, that's, that's right. It's tiny dog, it's tiny monkey. I'm drawing a blank on the last one. Dirk, do you know it? I don't have it in my notes. Big swinging hog. That's the part I wrote.

Holy shit, tiny cock, tiny dog, and tiny monkey are there. Yes. And then I wrote, oh my God, what are they doing? They're there. I wrote down what they were doing. Do it. Oh, they pee in the cups. They each pee in the cups. They each pee in the cups.

The generals come in and they drink the piss, the stinky piss boys, they drink the piss. Classic magic prank. More piss play. More shape-shifting child werewolf piss play. And we don't mean implied. We mean you see a monkey's penis peeing into a cup. Someone had to train that monkey to do it

or just wait for weeks for it to happen naturally. I don't know how they either trained that monkey or got that bowl in there so fast. It's Queen's go go get the bowl there. Days and days of that before they fucking did. It's the scene from Kung Fu, but with the pebble instead of the pebble in the hand, it's a bowl in the monkey piss. It's just like right in there. So, yeah, the night melon and priest Bowie

drink the young children's piss. And they hate it, I guess. Yeah. And they both puke where I was like, oh, this is for people that are into that. I get this now. Okay. There is a moment where you're like,

okay, they know what comedy is, where they're like each trying not to offend the other one. Like, oh, how's your bowl of piss? And they're like, oh, it's wonderful. Because they don't know it's piss, right? They don't want to offend their guest or host or whatever. And so I'm like, okay, they're going to do like a threes company thing

and like slowly drink through this bowl of piss, but no, they both get up to do like comical puke takes. After once again, on screen drinking both monkey and child piss. Can't be clear enough about that. It's the best kids movie about piss puking, I think. Back at the at the Knights Camp, Priest Bowie comes out of his tent and somebody doesn't believe that he's as tough as he says and he says, I'm absolutely good at ghost busting. Fuck, say no more.

That's how I know a good ghost buster. No one's like that. But they're about to get attacked by the the Termite Witch and her army of afro-zombies. She teleports in, and then sniffs the air deeply, and says, He-Man, the well-built He-Man, it's been a long time I've not smelt the real man. Yes, let me tease the melon first. Just absolute vile filth. Just the nastiest kind of filth.

She gets real frisky. Fanny Melon's like, oh good, the princess is here, bring her on in. And he's in his underpants. And okay, there's a part here. I'm sure you have this in your notes where she grabs his butt. And then he's like, oh, she grabbed my butt. He rubs his butt. And then he's like, oh, she grabbed my butt. And he rubs his butt and then he sniffs his own fingers. Yes.

Yes. And he makes a face like, yes. Oh, that is so hot. It's also to the tune of a Pink Panther song. Like they took part of the Pink Panther theme. It's so weird. You got horny for your own ass smell to the Pink Panther theme. You can't be on TV again.ny for your own ass smell to the pink panther theme? You can't

be on TV again. I don't even have a finish for that. Yeah, I don't know what that is. That didn't catch on. You invented a new one and no one, everybody was like, nope, too far. So he starts making out with her and she transforms back into the termite witch and it goes straight from a makeout session to a kung fu fight, which I don't know that I've seen that a lot. It feels like that's on the line of something. Make it out and then punch it, like right away, right into punch it. The rest of her army, the rest of her Afro zombie army, teleports in for a big kung fu battle with the knights.

Priest Bowie comes out, presumably to steal all of their underwear, which again, is the only move we've seen him do. And then he just, yeah. Isn't he the one that plays dead at that point? Yeah, he gets hit by Bagged Guy. Yeah, he gets his ass handed to him. The Bagged Full Wind guy kicks his ass, and rightfully so, I'm rooting for Bagged Full Wind guy

over the magical underwear stealing priest. They do that beat twice, cause he wakes up from playing dead, he like, news his nerve, he's like, fuck, I gotta get out of here, I can't just pretend to be dead. And then he runs into He-Man, and then he like, pretends to be dead again, but like, Taiwanese He-Man is so dumb that he's like, oh, I guess that guy's died and leaves.

There's a funny part I like here where they have a little catapult that kind of flings a rock and then Taiwanese hit and then bonks the ball back and it hits. I don't know, it's cute. It's a cute little- That was pretty good. Yeah. That was a Kung Fu Hustle gag that I was like, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I'm on board with that. It's the right kind of cartoon. It's not the piss cartoon. That's the wrong kind of cartoon that you're doing.

There's a funny part here where I like where they capture Fatty Mel and they're about to execute him. And he's going to get rescued by Peach Kid, but Peach Kid misses his cue by, must have been 40 seconds. So they have to keep starting and restopping and Restarting this execution bit so peach kid can interrupt it and I thought it was really funny They left it all in add it to the list of things that they got wrong so peach kid does save him and he defeats the witch by blasting her clothes off with his super breath and Then he reminds her that it's embarrassing to fight without pants on so she

Has to teleport away. And then tells King Devil she was sexually assaulted by Peach Kid. Yeah, and then that. Fair way to describe what happened. Another just classic joke for the kids. They love it. They love a good non-consensual kung-fu fight joke. This is that my notes say Peach Kid and Tiny Cock are taking on Gas Bag Vampire in Taiwanese. He-Man, what a dream. That's just what it says in my notes.

That's the dream fight right there. So later on, they come across a village that has just been raided by the Devil Army and the people there are like hurt, they're starving. They try to save them, they don't have enough resources. So all the kids, the little magical werewolf children, run off to help. I'll get some fruit, one says, and like I'll get some water or something, another says. I'll get drugs, the final one says. Not like, not medicine. I'm just, I'm gonna get some drugs. We're gonna party.

So he lures Peach, the old man, the father, grandpa, whatever, comes in, and Peach gets like, oh my god, grandpa's here! He follows him off to a secondary location, which don't do that, and King Devil shapeshifts into his old form, the ghost samurai, and starts just blasting the holy shit out of Peach Kid. They do a full Boromir slow-motion death scene of lasers, because he's kung fu punching punching only every time he punches a Star Wars blaster ray comes out like complete with sound effects. I love where he kicks him through the wall that's one of my favorite scenes in the movie and I think they did that by just killing a stunt

man yes yeah they threw a woman through a wall is what they did so he gets just absolutely blasted to shit by kung fu punch lasers, and the other kids decide, well, the only way to heal him is to poach him in peach juice because that makes him grow. Yup. So they do that. They poach him in peach juice, and then they lay him out, and then they all finger blast him with lasers until he wakes up. That's how you heal him. That's the only way to describe it. I defy you to say a different series of words.

They immediately, right after they wake him up, they tell him he's adopted. Yeah. We recap the whole origin story. There's been, by the way, there's been a fairy the whole movie that's been recapping for us, the viewer. But here the fairy is talking directly to the people in the movie, which is crazy because everyone seems really confused about the plot despite the fact that this fairy is telling them the plot the whole movie. So that was like a revelation to me that, oh my god, they can hear this fairy, they can see this fairy, that's not... Holy shit!

What if there were producer notes on this? What if the producer's like, I'm a little lost, can we get a voiceover like in Blade Runner? Best I can do is a little fairy that people can sometimes hear. Yeah, that's probably just the same. So then they take a boat out to Devil Island for the final showdown. I love this part. King Devil gets the Sword of the Sun, which has lightning powers, of course,

how dare you think otherwise, and he uses it to blast a seeing eye bowl full of water that then in turn blasts that energy to a skull nearby, that in turn blasts that energy into the water they're boating on, which summons sharkmen. Fuck yeah. Shoot a birdbath with the Sun Sword, you make sharkmen in a distant river. Yeah, that's like a really bad adventure game puzzle, yes. This part rules. Dirk's right. Like, they're under the boat with tridents. It's like all of a sudden, it's like a Flash Gordon or a Krull scene in this dogshit stupid movie. The cave rules. The whole water sequence is awesome. There's parts where I couldn't even

tell like somebody threw something, it bounced off something and they would explode out of the water. And I don't even know how you did that. I don't even know what that was. Like, just like, this is cool. I don't know. Yeah, legitimately some of the stunts are impressive. There's a moment there where like all four of the sharkmen launch out of the water next to the boat, and they all like duck and they fly over the boat. How did they get the sharkmen to launch? I have no idea. Wait, there were other Kung Fu guys having to hold their breath at the bottom of that river, waiting to throw them upward is what happened.

That's probably what it was. And some waiting to throw them upward is what happened. And some of them did not survive is what happened. They call that a Taiwan switch. The animal kids throw fatty melon in the water. I didn't quite understand why they did this. And then when he gets in the water, obviously to certain death, the shark men are going to kill him, but no, they just kind of grab his wiggling buns. Yeah. A lot of people do that in this movie. They really like his butt. They really like melon ass play. Okay. As they call it. After they grab his butt, then they went to smell their fingers, then they inhaled water and then they all drowned. That's how he defeated them. I like that his last words like the children turn on him suddenly and are like throw him in to distract a few of the shark men away from Peach Kid, and he just turns back to them and is like, why?

Yeah. And then he's pulled down into the depths by the sharkmen to presumably be killed, because we don't see him again for a while. You're like, oh, that was it for that guy, huh? He eventually does come back, but then the children are very surprised. They're like, whoa! We just murdered you, what the fuck? Yeah, I really thought I killed you you that's another great comedy gag where

he has all the shark fins he's like I'm gonna eat these shark fins they're like you're like okay that's cute and then the kids say no that's poisonous and he goes oh no and throws away I'm like well that's just fucking weird like you had this little bit that you were doing weird you ruined it you made it weird again you did the weird thing again every time you make it weird just like once you write out a scene take the last sentence and delete it. Whatever that last thing you're gonna do in, do is, it's weird! The peach, the peach stuff, totally fine.

The piss, you had the piss in the last sentence. Who's the piss? Delete it. Delete the piss part. It's cool when Peach Kid chops the fin off the shark dude though and then kicks him off the stairs. That's, that's pretty awesome. Yeah.

Yeah, it's, the whole thing is a good fight. That's another... That's one of the weird things is that every once in a while they have enough of like normal shit happening for you to see like, oh this is a good fight. Like this is a good... There's actually good choreography. The stuntmen are doing good work. Like people know their shit. Why are you using them to do all this? know their shit. Why are you using them to do all this? Why? Why do you want? Why do all any of this? So they make it to the throne room for the big kung fu fight, which is just, it's huge, it's bombastic, there's people dying everywhere, a wolf on screen in, in real life. At one point, Tiny Cock just bends over and starts shooting rockets from his back like a rocket launcher. Never explained that he could do that. Never does it again.

I'm open with that. I would actually introduce myself with that rather than constantly saying, I'm Tiny Cock. I would just shoot rockets. You don't need to know my name. Shoo, shoo, shoo. But no, Tiny Cock at various points in the movie does pop up and go, hi, I'm Tiny Cock.

I'm not exaggerating. That happens a lot. I feel like if you have somebody that can shoot rockets from their back, the rest of this adventure was not, there was no point to it. You could have solved this at any point with the rocket launcher.

Dirk, do you have in your notes how Fatty Millen kills that one guy? Oh yeah, he farts him unconscious. Yeah, he farts a ghost to death. Okay, so other people saw that. I just wanted to verify that I didn't imagine that. Yep. True comic fat guy fashion. You gotta fart at least one ghost to death. Yeah, but then in the next scene, Melon tries to free the princess and the little clown dudes are

there and they see his ass and they each bite one of his cheeks. Yeah. Yeah. So he's going to save the princess and he's struggling with the chain. So's showing his his plump ass just shaking around and then for a very long time the two little people come up Lift they gently lift his little skirt Examine his ass declare what a plump ass and then each to a cheek begin to eat his ass. Yeah Kids movies I tell you melon does beat them and they call in Hercules, and he absolutely whips Melon's ass, until the fairy gives Melon the power of love, which also gives him super strength. Which, like, just give him the super strength then. And then the princess declares,

Big Melon, you're a thrill. Just another of my favorite quotes. And he casually, like, kicks a spear into the guts of Her Hercules just so we know that he's no longer a threat. Yeah. Yeah. Just one of the few like super explicit deaths of a main character. Oh, there's a great one coming up right here. So back in the throne room, Peach Kid, Tiny Dog, Tiny Monkey, and the other one I can never remember. Anybody want to chime in with that? Little Richard? That was right, Little Richard.

They're all fighting the Termite Witch and the guy with the Bag of Wind. Peach Kid fucking explodes the Bag of Wind, just straight up. Blows it up. And then they each take one side of a giant straw that they have nearby for this occasion, and have a breath battle that ends with the bad guys fucking head being exploded into loose meat. It looks like a carpenter movie. It was a still. They freeze it so you can see as a child a head exploded. They're proud of it. All of the meat that came out of the head like this is it's straight out of a horror movie that effect. This is a Hanna-Barbera beam war. They each took

an end of a tube to have a blow off and they did a Hanna-Barbera beam war. They each took an end of a tube to have a blow off and they did a Hanna-Barbera beam war. And whoever loses that loses hard. So yeah, her head exploded. King Devil and the Kung Fu Oompa Loompas beam in for the final battle. The kids all throw magic smoke bombs that give them one huge aspect from their namesake.

I'll explain, I'll explain. Tiny Monkey gets like the huge long arms of a monkey. Tiny dog gets giant dog paws. And tiny cock gets... One single wing. He gets one single wing? It's so... Like the dog paws, you were like, okay, well, you could have given him the teeth, but I understand the special effects, like the monkey arms.

Give him the talons, right? Give him a giant hog. The beak? Like, like, that's the joke. That's the joke. It's called irony. You're building up to it. 1987 Taiwanese filmmakers.

Fucking heard of it. If you want to make it still for kids, it can be a literal giant hog. We'll still get it. Yeah, then it's a pun, which is fine. But the one wing, just one arm is a wing and then he just kind of whooshes it at the guy and the guy's like, I don't, this isn't doing anything for me. It also does absolutely nothing. Nobody's better for this monkey arm situation.

I just realized we're almost done with this movie and we haven't had any pun-stereo puns. Are we really going to make it through without any pun-stereo puns? There was too much weird shit going on with this movie and we haven't had any pun stereo puns. Are we really going to make it through without any pun stereo puns? There was too much weird shit going on in this movie. I didn't even think to do it. I've been on edge the whole time because I'm like, he's about to do it. He's about to. Well, now I feel bad. You know there's some peach puns on that site. You know they did that at least five times. So King Devil blasts the shit out of Peach Kid with the Sun Sword again. Don't know why they thought that would turn out any different.

He blasts Night Melon in the ass again. Just so much, so much ass play for Melon in this movie. The fairy beams in and there's no, I don't know how to say this exactly, she summons the giant peach, which in turn summons more giant peaches, who all agree to assemble into a giant peach Michelin man abomination. The fairy tells Peach Kid to merge with the peach abomination to, quote, achieve his potentiality. I guess it's getting to be an art film now. All of the little were-kids

merge with the peach monstrosity who start squawking and dancing as though it wants to die. It is. It's going like, raah! It is fucked. It is so beyond what you're imagining and the capabilities of the filmmakers. It is in monstrosity. It is a malfunctioning toy from a dark universe. A giant peach puppet that surely went rogue and killed several stuntmen. Yeah, don't picture a peach Voltron.

It's like a pile of madness with sort of a peach head, but like more perverted than you're thinking. Like some of these peach parts are like, okay, they got this from like a medical vulva model. Like this is a, this is a nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. That's a used flesh life part. I like where you guys are going. It's very erotic is what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to say. That's exactly what I'm trying to say. It's filthy and horrible. They get into a laser off the peach monstrosity and King Devil.

King Devil gets blasted with first peach breath and then yes, covered, of course, your favorite character and mine, piss. Peachy, peachy piss. From four children inside a peach monster. Which we must always pause to say, hey children, that's not juice. Remember it's actual piss.

Every single time somebody gets pissed on, they turn to the camera and say, Oh, that's piss. That should have been the title of the film. Whoops, all piss. Peach Monster starts firing smaller peaches at him, then he eats King Devil's sun sword and spits out Peach Kid holding the sword who rocket blasts it straight through his guts. I want to- I have a question. Why any of this? Why not do this on day one?

Why not the day that guy came to get the sword, kill him with the peach? Yeah, the peach golem. If you can turn into a giant peach golem, fucking do that. I think because the fairy wasn't there, because the fairy is like the OP character of the whole thing. She can do like anything.

And when she shows up at the garden beginning, she's like, what the hell's going on here? Like, I think maybe she could have stopped it but no one else can control this crazy peach I stand corrected the film is perfect look nobody likes it when the landlord comes to visit she had to get the fuck out of there it's true like no I'm not hanging out while you're doing the inspection holy shit everyone's dead I didn't even get to make my my piss soaked peach monster.

That's how I would have solved this scenario. I would have, that's my answer. So then all three little little werekids including Tiny Cock give him a thumbs up, it's a triple thumbs up, and they say you're a good boy. Nightmelon says you all have to come to my wedding. Then they look at the camera, leap into the air and freeze frame. Peach Voltron also. He's a part of the freeze frame. Yeah, he's back there. It's the perfect ending, unlike the ending to this podcast, which is these 10 peach puns on the AI generation pun site. No! Onsteria.com.

Number one, don't be a peach and pass the jam. I thought you were gonna say jizz for some reason. Pass the piss. Pass the piss? Pass the piss. Number two, let's get together and peach out. Well, I mean, that's... What is that? I know exactly what that means. That's fucking vile. That's like, it's like when that termite witch lady smelled the air and is like, oh, come blast me, he-man. I believe that was the exact quote. I just think that's how Mormon lesbians fuck. I think what you're describing. Number three, I just can't peach this feeling of love I have for you.

I mean that's just a Neil Diamond song. Yeah, I've heard that. Number four, let's peach the truth. This is delicious. Wait, was that part of it? Yeah, that was part of it. Let's peach the truth. This is delicious. Number five, I just got back from the farmer's market with a bag full of peaches. It was the pits. I guess that's kind of a twist because I thought he was going to say something pleasant, but

instead he didn't have a nice time. He fucking hates peaches. The joke is the farmer is like, I hate peaches and I'm going to use their their pun against them. Number six, I'm not going to take the peach this time. What? That was it. I was done. I'm not going to take the peach this time. I guess you got to show remorse to a judge, like if you're if you're on trial for peach taking. Feels like a like a like a Duolingo saying. Yeah.

You're on there going like, I'm not gonna need to say this in Romania. Am I? Is that like a big deal over there? I'm not going to take the peach this time Number seven, I'm totally peachless without you That's to a peach probably probably number eight. Let's give them something to peach about sure that a Bonnie Raitt song. Yeah Let's give me something to peach about If you are selling peaches and you got body right attached to the advertising campaign a Bonnie Raitt song? Yeah. Let's give them something to peach about. If you were selling peaches and you got Bonnie Raitt attached to the advertising campaign, I feel like that's the song.

Yeah. Yeah. Nobody would understand what it means, like, what is peaching? It's amazing that this computer throttle, this never seems to understand what a peach is. I told you, it's when Mormon lesbians fuck. Number nine is I just can't peach my excitement. Peach has used that. What? It has meant so many different things in this. I just can't peach my

excitement. Yeah, I've lost my tether to reality. I don't know what anything means. No. Finally, number 10. That's the perfect place to end this podcast. That's what this was all designed to do. Number 10. This is juicy peach news. Followed by nothing? Followed by nothing! Correct? Yeah! The craft is not trapped, it's not empty! Send it to the dog zone, for an hour! Come on, you know the number! 1900 1900 Frankfurt

1900 New York 1900 Frankfurt 1900 1900 Frankfurt 1900 New York Yeah! 9000! On Hot Dog Beach you're never alone. Somebody's always got your back. And if you're ever in trouble, just look for the Supremes. Aaron Crosston, Adrian Adrian H Alex Nolenberg

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Matt Reilly Max Beroy is trying to return a lost Jogging President to his worried Secret Service agents Moju Mercenary Sysadmin Michael Lair Mort Mr Bob Gray just had his lifeguard truck stolen by a lost child ND Neil Bailey Neil Schaeffer Neku104, Nick Lavino, Orn Rewievel has collected all 7000 Lost Beach children into an ad hoc army and declared war on Hot Dog Beach. Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst, Rhiannon, Russell Bauman's suicidal swim hobo Bran Jetski just exploded.

It's not a good company, folks. Sarkovsky. Sean Chase. Seed. Space Jam fan is now helping the jaded party elves revenge themselves upon Beach Santa. Sporty Reception. Super Knot. Tater's Tales.

Ted H. Timmy Leahy owes so much money and fucking beach taxes, there's just no way up at the sea, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Vuster, Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clapham just saved another suicidal swimming hobo and taught him that the real beach tax is a little something called love and friendship everybody. Zach and Ava. Thomas Kovatsos is just trying to do a classic gender swapped prince in the popper scam to save his grifter mother. But this beach is fucking crazy.