The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 226, Stallone's KNOCKOUT with Dan McQuade

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Dan McQuade to watch "women wrestlers" "fight" in a "competition" conjured up by "Stallone." Once again, you're going to be required by law to meet your neighbors for ANOTHER awkward conversation after listening to this "fun" episode!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900- 1-900! Hot Dog! 1-900! Hot Dog! 1-900! 1-900! Hot Dog! 1-900! Hot Dog! Yeah! 9000! Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the only zone for 1900hotdog.com. We're a joke and mess around website

with daily articles by a team of world-class writers tackling the least important and most frivolous of things. We got the Christian Power Rangers, Semen Cookbooks, Garfield Maniacs, Puppet Murderers, Juggler Murderers, even more. Go to patreon.com slash 1900hotdog to subscribe. There's other fun stuff you get. It's the best.

We made the best website. I'm Sean Baby from the internet and my partner is the six time Arby's Roast Buns boy, runner up, he's Robert Brockway. We made, we did make a murder heavy website. Robert Brockway, here's a Brockway fact. Just like every single man in the video we're talking about today,

I also have a tight, 47-minute long stand-up set about how I don't respect consent. No follow-up questions. It holds up. Every word of it holds up. Our guest is Doc's own favorite, a founder and journalist at Defector Media, and Arby's maximum roast buns boy, our dear friend Dan McQuade. Thanks for having me. Hopefully I won't sound like I'm underwater this time. The last one, I was recorded from my parents' house and apparently the microphone didn't work. Under the sea.

Your parents under the sea. Yeah, it's fair. They live in the ocean. They're great. Dan, my wife was very excited about your story on the corgi races in Scotland. Those are great blogs because you don't need to do anything. Like, I just downloaded a bunch of like, photos from our, yeah, just from our Getty images subscription.

And that was nice because I had taken like, I don't know, three weeks to write my previous blog. So, right. It's nice. So when we just pick out the best corgi faces, you're like, oh, fucking this is right. Yeah, this is why I became a journalist. This is what the internet used to be. It used to be just this. The blog that I filed before that was about like baseball card sets that are that were like, like, like, like, don't put poison in your mouth would yes would would would put them out and never put poison in your mouth is the one tip. Oh shit, that's a good one. Absurd ones from like Gary Sheffield that says, allegedly, it's actually a quote from him that says,

like, drug dealers are always trying to tempt ball players. They like to hang around celebrities and try to get us to join them at parties. We learned to just say no. Call it what you want. Pot, grass, crack, speed, angel dust or coke. It's dangerous stuff that can hurt you and even kill. Amazing. You know, fuck you back of Danny Angecard.

I'm going to do what I want. Today, we are talking Stallone's Knockout, but not the one you're thinking. This was a 1990 pay-per-view by Sylvester Stallone's mom, Jackie. It was, it is, I don't know. Let's get just your overall thoughts on this. Brockway, what'd you think of this overall? Well, this is a crime, first of all.

This is, like, I'd say that a lot in a joking fashion, but certainly, I mean, she, this starts with a very old woman rapping about how she's like a combat pimp. And it's over, like, long lingering, like, shots of Sylvester Stallone's amazing body, like her son's body. He has nothing to do with this. Like, so that's probably illegal. Like you're like, oh, look at, look at Sylvester Stallone.

I produced that, he did not produce this. Yes. To be clear, he doesn't appear in it. He has nothing to do with it. So calling it Stallone's knockouts at the time and date that they did is just, I mean, they knew what they were doing. It's so obvious what she's doing immediately. Yes.

I was going to talk about the Speedo picture, because when Robert says his amazing body, it's like we see all of it except the tiny vertical line of his shaft. He's wearing an itty bitty little Speedo. She's standing next to him. And what's great about this is his expression reads like, we shouldn't be doing this.

And just tastefully cut out a frame, you can see about a third of Frank Stallone. It's how the world's most heavy handed artist would say, this woman is shamelessly leeching off the success of one child in a weird grotesque way. And you know what, don't worry about the other one. But she does have three kids and you would never know it from her wall of Sylvester Stallone. the pay-per-view, it just says Stallone's Knockouts, and it's like sexy babes fighting, and it's like, oh, yep, they're trying to fool people to order this. And when you told me about it, what it was, I was like, man, how have I never heard of this clear embarrassment? heard of this like clear clear embarrassment and then when I watched the first like minute of it I was like oh everyone who ordered this would never mention it again because they'd be so embarrassed and so that's why they're why no one knows what this is.

It's not it's it's got to be some new form of like super libel or something to imply that Stallone was involved with this right? Because it's not it's not just like the normal exploitative kind of like direct to video stuff. It's it's really horny, you know, really hateful way. Yeah, it's just it's it makes you feel bad. It's vile. It's crime. And it's also a hee haw. And it's also like it's a super hor it's also a hee haw and it's also like.

It's a super horny hate-filled hee haw of violence with criminal libel attached. Those are my overall views. That's a great way to describe that. I obviously took some clips. Let me play the intro of this song. This better be just the intro. I'm Jackie Stallone and I win everything.

Plus I only train champions in the ring. All the other fighters will really turn green when they see my knockouts hit the screen. Knockouts, knockouts, knockouts. So come on everybody, meet the girls. They're much more than sugar, spice or curls. Each one's a fighter with a heck of a punch. Don't turn them off or you'll feel their crunch.

Knockouts. The knockouts. A knockout. Oh thank god, stop. Yeah, I have more. You did, didn't you? I took so many clips of this. You did, didn't you? You took. I took so many clips.

You took all of those clips. So I think this was mentioned on another recent podcast of yours. But the rapping is like rap and Duke, which is a song that nobody remembers, but they might know the notorious B.I.G. Remember, Rap and Duke, the ha, the ha. That's the only time, that was the first time I heard of Rap and Duke. And it's like this, it's just like, it could not be further away from rap. The 68 year old Italian woman.

It's definitely that, but it's also the most common rap that like I heard when I was a kid. Yeah. It's definitely that, but it's also the most common rap that I heard when I was a kid. Because once rap came out, this is how people were like, oh, I can do that. That's so easy. And then you'd see this exact rap to sell Fruity Pebbles to describe. Yeah, they just say, watch this and then do something.

And they were all convinced it was rap, what they had just done. It's like if the people doing the Super Bowl shuffle were significantly worse. Yeah, and what's great is she can't lip sync to that. Like, she wrote it and performed it, and then later sat down and tried to lip sync it and fucking blew it.

Like, it looks like not just a kung fu movie, but like Michael Winslow making fun of a kung fu movie. OK, so this is going to sound crazy, but all of the women scheduled to perform in these fake boxing matches also have rap intros that they do to the exact same song and the exact same tone. I took some clips. It's all consecutive too. Like Sean didn't end the intro song.

We take a little bit of a break for you to, I don't know, recalibrate your priorities in life and determine if you're going to watch the rest of this. No, all of the intros are back to back in the same song. It's like 10 minutes long. It is like a 10 minute long rap. Yes. I'll play the next one.

This is Brooklyn. This is immediately after Jackie stops and they pick up here. They're hot. They're good. They're wild and sexy. You know you're gonna watch them if you're 10 or 60. Oh, do you wanna knock them or do you wanna treat? Well, watch my girls fight in your ringside seat.

Knockouts. And knockouts. My name is Brooklyn and I've perfected the way to get big things erected. I do my work no ifs and buts, but baby I'm best with bolts and nuts. Knockouts. A knockouts. I'm glad you keep the a knockouts at the end of each. Of course. I'm so confused by her because she has an eye patch and she's wearing like a yellow

shirt with like maybe the Manhattan skyline on it. All of these boxers or wrestlers, I mean these events are so, these events, these matches are like so strange. But like none of them have, you know, it's like, this is very much just a rip off of gorgeous ladies of wrestling. But that would like, if you had a cheerleader character, you would put her in a cheerleading outfit. So let's not guess this is not.

This is a Manhattan construction pirate. What's not to get? Yeah, his name is Brooklyn. What are you not getting? Yeah. Yeah, so she's supposed to be like a construction worker, but they do not have her in a construction worker outfit. This is a theme throughout the entire show, where

they're all kind of in the same silk-boxing shorts and crop top. But they have a very distinct, like easily costumable character. Just like, yeah, I'm a cheerleader. I'm like a fucking hard hat. Give her a hard hat. How fucking hard was that?

She is a glow lady. You said gorgeous ladies of wrestling. Most of these girls are just glow girls that are moonlighting. So she was Hollywood in glow. She's going up against Mary Jo. I took Mary Jo's clip too. I'm Mary Jo, your yellow rose.

I ride the range in pantyhose. I'm from Dallas, that's my home. I'll show you where the buffalo roam. Knockouts. Knockouts. Not Dallas. Knockouts. Knockouts. Not Dallas. Knockouts. Knockouts.

No cowboy hat. Yes. I like that she pauses her rap to do two non-consecutive reps of a 10 pound chest press machine. Everyone who's in a weight room, like who's wrapping, is also lifting zero weight. Zero, the lowest possible setting. And the funniest thing is that this is not, okay, they didn't rent a weight room. They just went in like an active gym

and filmed all of these things, because in the mirrors of everyone of these bits, you can see normal people just trying to get a fucking workout in looking at them like, what the hell is happening on the chest press machine? Do you think I can work into that? Whatever it is you're doing here. You can almost hear them off camera saying,

so she's supposed to be a cowgirl, why isn't she wearing a cowboy hat? Also she's laying right next to her opponent, like I'm gonna fucking fuck this girl up in a pants like two feet to the right and there she is do it. Wrestling does that. It's like, you know, better wrestling does that sometimes we're like, two guys will be interviewed right

in a row, like at the same time, like mean gene Oakland and it's like, they're they just like, queuing up to do these interviews. But here, right, it's like, they both exist in different worlds, despite them being right next to each other. Here is a thing that I learned from doing some research. In addition to Jackie Stallone saying that Sylvester named all the wrestlers, boxers,

whatever. Amazing. Yeah, you don't get that kind of naming now from from anyone but Sylvester Stallone. So she claimed during doing press for this that the for the last six months, these women have trained five hours a day preparing for this event. Okay. And after that long, they are lifting 10 pounds and not doing any sort of boxing or wrestling. Well, this girl is Daisy on Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. So if you did like fake lady violence at the time,

you would have immediately recognized these two women and clocked this as a knockoff. You're like, oh, well, this is just fucking Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling with Jackie Stallone. A knockoff. Like this is, yeah. A knockoff. Oh, that's really good.

I don't think we need any more clips, right? It's a bad bit. All of them have like full three full verses. I'm cutting a real short. Sean's being so kind. There's eight more minutes of this. I'm not exaggerating. I was confused.

Like they at least the like, I don't know, like Brooklyn has an eye patch. Sure. She's from rough and tumble Brooklyn. Mary Jo has like horseshoes on her top. The next person is Melanie. Thanks sly for that name. And great. She's like a lumberjack, but she's just wearing like boxing clothes. Yep. She mentions because there's so much exposition in their three verses, each of them has time to to explain their deal, explain how they're gonna fuck up the other girl, and then all the rest of it is about cock. And they run out of innuendos so quickly, anything tall or hard or tube-like in any way

gets turned into a dick. And the finance babe says she gives great dividends, and I'm not sure I'm willing to do all the work to turn that into sex. Okay, give great dividends. I think I get what you mean, but like, not really. Like you should have done something. Before you got to me,

you should have come up with something. I don't know. Just one of the eight men in line for the leg curl machine that she's dominating there just going, hey, what does that mean? What does that even mean? What are you talking about? You say you're, are you the Eskimo one?

Then why did they put you in like a parka or something? I'm just kidding. There is one ethnic one and she is very ethnic. Yep. Oh, man. Her name is Cartella because she's Colombian. She smuggles drugs and does crime. I actually did take a clip of Cartella's.

Let's play Cartella's. They'll give you laughs. They'll give you rights. They're going to give you action fights. I'm good Colombian. I'm good Colombian. I'm good Colombian. I'm good Colombian. I'm good Colombian. Let's play Cartelas. They'll give you lefts, they'll give you rights. They're gonna give you action fights. I'm pure Colombian, I'm Cartela. Muy caliente, watch out fella.

I smuggle goods for any price. Now I'm Miami's biggest vice. Knockouts. Yeah. Knockouts. Knockouts. Knockouts. I took her next verse too. This life is in the driver's seat. When you're with me, you'll feel the heat.

So be a partner in my crime. Together we can do our time. Knockouts. Knockouts. They uh, really hit on the drugs. The only non-white person. Yes, the only non-white person and she is kind of just every Colombian drug cartel like thing like a Mad Magazine version of whatever I just said. She is a little bit worse at fighting than the others. She's kind of just like this heaving, wet,

racial vava-voom. I don't know. She's not from GLOW. Her name, I looked her up, her name's Gabriela Young and her other credits are Playboy Intimate Workout and Playboy 101 Ways to Excite Your Lover. They're both great, by the way. And she is great in them. I'm a big Cartella fan. She fights Bonnie Sue, who is also not a glow girl. She's the daughter of Brazilian filmmakers. And this is her first IMDb credit. So her powerful parents got her. Amongst a long, prestigious list, I'm assuming.

I'm assuming quickly ventures into major film territory. She did seem like, I wouldn't say an international star, but she did make Italian movies and Brazilian movies. She seemed like she was a globetrotting working actress. But yes, this is how she got her start. They have a girl named Wendy, she's a cheerleader. Her film career is interesting. I'm gonna give you eight of her films

and her character name in them. One of them is fake. If you find it you get 50,000 bikini points usable anywhere. So the two of you, you're working together. Tell me which one of these is fake. Cheryl in Bikini Summer. Babe number one in Assault of the Party Nerds 2, The Heavy Petting Detective. Vanessa in Bikini Summer 2. Ha ha! Ha ha! Laser Model 2 in The Cold of the Night. Tammy in Alien Intruder.

Sex Dentist in Bikini College. Mountain Nug in Encino Man. Dancer 2 in White Cargo. Number two. Can you guess the fake one? It was number two. You think it was babe number one in Assault of the Party Nerds 2,

the heavy petting detective, do you agree Dan? I was thinking it might be, well, yeah. I'll go along with that. All right, it was, the one I made up was sex dentist in Bikini College. Every other one was real. She did return in Bikini College. Every other one was real. She did return in Bikini Summer 2 as a completely different character. All right, read number two to me again.

Babe number one, in Assault of the Party Nerds 2, the heavy petting detective. I knew you would think that was fake. That's why I invented this game. You found the inspiration for the entire bit. Now I just want to watch that one, though. I'm kind of sad that that movie is not fake. I'm really happy. That's why I agreed with Brockway, who's really hoping that was not a real movie.

Yeah, you didn't want to live in a universe that allowed it. Five years after throwing a killer party and stealing Muffin away from alpha male zeta frat member Bud, head party nerd Richie is married to Muffin and from alpha male zeta frat member Bud, head party nerd Richie is married to Muffin and runs a detective agency. Starring TV's Burt Ward. Oh, oh, fuck that rules. I didn't even know that. Oh, that's amazing.

Okay, I guess we have the next podcast. There you go. So back to the show. Wendy is fighting Dixie, who's a Marine and a charming Southern belle. Yeah, I thought she was Blanche from Golden Girls at first. And then and then like that, like I was like, wait, she's also the Marine character. Yeah. Yeah. And she's dressed like neither of those stereotypes. And the most insane decision of all, she's a heel. Right?

Insane choices. How is that, how is the Southern belle, Marine, beautiful white woman your heel character? She gets partnered up with Cartella. Like those are your villains. Those are your villains. And if you are a 60 year old pervert, you would recognize her as Godiva from Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

Her song was pretty different than the others. So I did clip it just for like variety sake. Let me play that. Your rifle and your bayonet will never ever stop my threat Come see me if you're full of fire My boudoir is the battle side Knockouts Knockouts

Knockouts I'll crush that Wendy 1, 2, 3 The champion's robe belongs to me I'm one of the few and one of the proud. She won't need a robe, she'll need a shroud. Knockouts. Fucking white knockouts. So obviously the trash talk gets a little too serious there,

but I also wanted to leave that in because the winner gets like a little silk robe. Yeah. Yeah, like was it trying to do a master's thing? I also wanted to leave that in because the winner gets like a little silk robe. Yeah, like was it trying to do a master's thing? Like it was like a green jacket, but a little robe. And it's like, you can't get a belt. This is, you know, come on. I mean, I guess they couldn't get like a cheerleader outfit. So, yeah.

All right. We're lucky that it wasn't panties. Like, consider the time, consider the era and the production value of the show. And how it ends. Yeah, you're right. It would have been dirty panties if they, I'm sure that was their first idea. An old thong. The championship old thong.

The song is nine minutes long. That's, I'm done with my clips. I'm not doing a bit. I'm not, I'm not joking either. It is 542 seconds long. It is fucking, and it feels like 50 times that. It's relentless. Good God.

And it ends just abruptly. Jump cuts right into the fakest boxing match already in session. No one would ever use a second word to describe it. It is just a fake boxing match. They don't seem to have any intent to be sexy or funny or dramatic. It is just two nervous women with what I would guess is

278 ounce gloves and half an hour of boxing training. I don't even know, I think maybe like 30 seconds of boxing training. They throw a punch and then almost as if they've been told to put their hands down. There's maybe there are a handful of people, I'm assuming it's all the gorgeous ladies of wrestling carryovers that actually seem like they know what they're doing. It doesn't seem like anybody that's not from GLOW, it seems like they have never even heard

of professional wrestling before stepping in here. Like, yep, they don't seem to know they were supposed to choreograph this maybe on their own time. Yeah, even just backstage, like I'll hit you for a bit, blah, blah, blah. There's no plan. And a lot of times it's just it's like this first fight is like, oh, they're not gonna they don't know what they're doing enough to hurt each other. There are fights here where like, you don't know what you're doing enough to very much hurt each other. Absolutely. I had that in my notes many times, like this seems so unsafe. It would be so much safer.

It's just on YouTube, somebody uploaded it. And it's a VHS rip, so this apparently came out on VHS as well. I again can't imagine anyone purchased it. But there's a part where like, YouTube will show you like, most rewatched like, you know, like it'll pop up as you're scrolling through a video. Yeah. And there's a part that's most rewatched that I looked at a few times because I think it's one of the people, one of the boxers actually hits the other one and like maybe injures. So they're not looking for hot girls. They're like, did anyone ever get hit in this entire thing? That's really funny. One thing I really liked about this first match, in addition to it being joined in progress, like, and it being two two different people than we've met, like, they introduced eight people and

then join a match in progress with two new characters. And the the the announcer and we can talk about the weird announcing all as well. But the announcer goes, so it's it's Alexis from Beverly Hills and the Beastmaster. And the announcer goes, Alexis infuriated the Beastmaster by coming to the ring in a fur coat. And it's like, you could have shown us that. Nope.

But they obviously didn't have a fur coat. So that obviously did not happen. They're probably right. I didn't even think about that. They're like making up stories about a fur coat they saw. That's so fucking funny. I really liked the crowd too. Like Jackie Sloan is there at ringside

wearing a full wizard costume. Headband, glitter, just a full level 11 sorcerer in the front row. And the crowd is probably what you'd expect. It's five or six rows deep of guys. You probably shouldn't rile up. Just angry men in mustaches booing, hoping to land a grope if anybody gets too close to them. Oh, they do.

Oh, they get a couple in. Absolutely. I have some quotes from the publicist for the event before it aired. So this is Gabe Elias, publicist for Stallone's Knockout. Kids were the ones who loved it the most. They considered it rad. I'm shocked she didn't get a good publicist for this. The article also says that nearly 250 people partook of the WrestleMania-like event. Okay, I would have said over 200, I guess. Yeah. The Elias guy, who also said that kids loved it the most, said,

Of course. Guys love to see women fighting, Elias said. It turns them on. I think this could become a big hit. Children and horny men finally mixing unsupervised. If you remember, Jackie put almost those exact lyrics in her opening rap. So yeah, the Wild Woman beats Alexis. We didn't meet them during the 9 minutes of rap song, so it's hard to get too invested in this. And this did not help.

I have a clip I took here. And the Beastmaster gets the win, leaving Alexis down and out in Beverly Hills. The crowd not happy with the Wild Woman, they lead the Jirs while she asks for cheers. So you hated that. That was Tracy Lourdes sitting alone after the event and reading pre-written lines. That's how they did the commentary. Why?

Like, why did they do it this way? Like, I'm sure Tracy Lords could pretend to be like a real Announce it to like actually announcing the event as opposed to just like reading Really bad one-liners that are then awkwardly pasted over over crowd noise that is you know Pumped in I'm sure the kids thought it was rad Well because she has another running bit her job is to announce and be sexually harassed non-stop You're right. They had to film both of those pretty much at the same time I mean, you don't you don't book Tracy Lords for this program for more than an hour total of film time

Oh, yes, she was very busy Hollywood actress read this this pun, get sexually harassed. Read another pun, get sexually harassed. Don't take any breaks. We're not paying you to drink water, we're paying you to get sexually harassed. That was the pitch, and we'll pay you $85. And she said, okay. Okay, and I get to meet Stallone? Absolutely. You will meet several Stallones. You will meet one version of Stallone. Not any of the ones you're thinking of. I liked, there was a little detail they added where they'd watch the replays, which do not help make it look more authentic.

And then they added like a big punching sound effect for every little slap, which I think makes it look 50 times more fake. It looks so bad. The crowd hates it. I think maybe because the bad guy won, but I'm not sure how they would know which is which. So they probably just hate it because it sucks. Yeah, the Beverly Hills one wasn't the bad guy.

Yeah, it seems like it should be opposite, but I mean, of course they didn't get it right. Oh, also the worst part of it is there are sketches. It's fake boxing, but it's mostly he-haw. I have a clip. Oh, you're not gonna like this. Oh. Oh.

Don't I look neat in this outfit? Of course. Most elephants look good in trunks. Ladies, please talk like that will make me blush. Good, a little red will go with the black and blue I'm going to give you. Did anyone check that varmint's green card? They'll be checking your vital signs

when I'm through with ya. Them's fat and worse. Oh yeah, horse face. Excuse me, ladies. Are you decent? Yes. That's good, because I'm not. Listen, I have good news and I have bad news.

What's the bad news? The state requires you all to be thoroughly examined before your matches. Then what's the good news? I get to do it. You make me sick. Okay. And if you're hoping for a little variety in the sketches, keep fucking hoping. Keep fucking hoping. It's just that. It's just a doctor sexually harassing them nonstop.

And the jokes seem to get worse each time. Like, if you tried to do this routine in the Catskills in the 50s, they would, like, throw you out of the theater. Right, because you run out of setups when you're just like, okay, you're a horny doctor. She's an angry wrestler. Now let's do, oh, I don't know, 200 sketches about that? Yeah. Like with... And you're right, the jokes do get worse, but not just because they get weaker. sketches about that? Yeah.

And you're right, the jokes do get worse, but not just because they get weaker. It's like they get further and further from what we would even know as sexual harassment. Like they lost all sight of what human sex even might be. So but here at the start, it's still pretty horny. Like they cut to Mary Jo, and she's naked in bed. Like they cut to Mary Jo and she's naked in bed. When I say naked, I mean, she's tastefully covered.

Tastefully is the wrong word. I'm not explaining it very well, but they, each of the wrestlers made a video where they're naked in bed kind of, and they're all kind of the same where they're like, here's the things I like. And then they list some normal things completely unrelated to the wrestling character.

Like I like walks on the beach and animal shaped balloons. You're like, what the fuck? What does this have to do with being an Eskimo? If you're of a certain age, you absolutely remember this from every single 1-900 number commercial. This is just all of the bio reels from a call now. My name's Mary Jo.

I'm a lumberjack. Here are some puns about chopping wood. Also, call me now. I'm really lonely. They put 1900 number bio reels mixed in with criminal he-haw sketches, mixed in with incompetent violence. God, what a cursed artifact. What a cursed artifact this is.

I guess the thing that annoys me is after they're done listing the normal things, they list one that's just about fucking with just like an increasingly weirdness to it, but never like funny weird. Like, I don't know. You'll love this one. This is-

Oh, we get to a really weird one. Yeah, we do get, there are some weird ones. You'll love this one. This is a good one. And afterwards, some good conversation, a cozy fire and doing it to my eyes fall out yo doc I'm Brooklyn Brooklyn I spent a lot of time in Flatbush are you a good

doctor sure you never hear any of my patients complain. How come? Dead men tell no tales. Say, why don't we go out tonight? Listen, sawbones, anybody who goes out with me has to be real healthy. What do you mean? Well, I wouldn't date a guy who didn't have a knee cause that would mean he had pneumonia. And I wouldn't date a guy who didn't have a back cause that would mean he had pneumonia. And I wouldn't date a guy who didn't have a back

because that would mean he had bacteria. Well, in that case, we better call the whole thing off. Why? What do you have? Trickly heat. Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That is from another planet. That is, I do not understand a syllable.

What was this? These sound like Brockway's AI funds. You're right. This is the malfunctioning, dying brain of a robot who has been fed too much of its own shit. That's the only way to explain the logic here that you don't. You don't go out with men who have diseases that almost sound like body parts, because that means they don't have the body parts. That's not, that's the setup to your joke.

Like I have, that's the, you'll go along, that's the portion where you're like, the audience is going along with it, and then I'm gonna subvert expectations. That's what you did, what you chose for that part. And am I crazy or is Brooklyn like a really good performer? Like that's as good a line read as you'll get for that fucking insane shit. I mean for what this is, absolutely.

But then she's working with that fucking doctor. Yeah. I mean, also to people who have not watched this, that was by far the best doctor's skit we got. So yeah, I think it was Brooklyn carried it. Yeah, like that's the only explanation. It goes downhill from there. Yeah, so we cut back to Tracy Lord's glaring at the ref. The ref is named Nutzy Fagan, and he is a stand-up comedian, impressionist, a real Jeff Altman type. So they do a bit here where he has like a devil on his shoulder

and a statue of liberty on the other shoulder, and they're him pre-recorded and not timed very well. So it's just a real clunky bit. He wants to have sex with Tracy Lourdes. You already knew that. But he assumes she only likes movie stars. So the devil's like, hey, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it's part one of a six-part runner

where he does celebrity impressions to seduce her. I'm just gonna give you a little taste. I didn't take all of them, but I took this first one. Hey, yo, Tracy Lawrence. Oh, hi, Rocky. Hey, what did you think of my boxing career? I think it's like a work of art. Really?

Yeah, you've been smeared on more canvases than a Picasso. Really, the laugh hits you in waves like Tracy Lawrence is a fake laugh, a pause, a fake laugh, and then the laugh track slowly comes in. Like a really angry, sarcastic wave of laughter. I said, ha ha ha ha, we can move on. I love it. I'm not kidding when I say it took three of these sketches for me to realize, oh, he's supposed to be doing impressions.

Like I thought he was just showing up and being weird. Like why is he hurt or something? Yeah, you're right. It's so strange. It doesn't quite read. Because some of them were, he did John Travolta and he comes out not dressed as John Travolta or in a kind of a wig or anything. Or doing the voice. That's like a... Yeah, he's kind of doing, I don't know, welcome back, Cotter, John Travolta. It's very strange. So the next match is Mary Jo, the sexy cowgirl versus Brooklyn, the construction worker. They take some turns slapping each other's gloves like I don't know my notes say there's no reason for this to exist

There is no glory to this and no way to masturbate to it. That's just what it says in my notes Then it does kind of turn into a regular pro wrestling match and I took a clip of Tracy Lord's ring chatter It's it's pretty good. Let me find this here These brawlers have spent more time on the floor than wall to wall carpet. The New Yorker rushes in to break the count, but the cowgirl is right on her tail like a hot branding iron.

With all that tape, they're tied up like a couple of mummies and that's no gauze for celebration. Neither fighter is able to keep this match under wraps. The audience has seen enough action to file for combat pay What you can't I didn't edit that it's just relentless like what you can't well you can kind of you can kind of hear it But let me put it in context with what like what you hear towards the end is Two of the lady wrestlers they take the match outside of the ring and they start throwing each other into the audience and the the You can hear the the nature of the clamor in the background change. That's all the men rapid fire groping them as hard and as fast as they possibly

can. Like they've just been given permission to grope by virtue of them being near. And of course, I mean, it looks like something out of Dawn of the Dead. They're just being like torn apart by Italians. And over that whole thing, Tracy Lords is joylessly reading Laffy Taffy puns at you. It's a fucking nightmare. It is such a nightmare. And the other thing that you kind of don't want to have happen when you throw a woman into a crowd is,

oh, I hope she doesn't crush a tiny child, but they do. There's a tiny child in the front that gets fucking flattened. Any of this. It would be so much safer if you did. Not only would it look better, because this looks super fake and nobody's getting hurt, but in reality, people are really getting hurt. Yep.

Security has to break them up. They just never, they forget about their match. They both get disqualified. The crowd hates this. They start booing, soing since the second fight that has ended in angry boos out of two out of two fights. So one fight didn't have a winner and the first fight we didn't see most of it. Right. So yes, great start and the pay per view. Yes. The announcer doesn't seem to know what this is called. So he thanks everyone for coming to female fighting. And so I'm like, name TBD.

They did not tell me what this was. So maybe this was just an unrelated lady fake boxing event that Jackie Stallone saw and thought, dollar sign eyeballs. The next the next one is Anne Thrax, the nasty nurse versus Avenger Zora. We have not met these girls. But I like this one because they have full costumes, at least at first. And then they then they take off

their outfits and they're just in their gym clothes and they can't box for shit. I think the Zoro lady is the villain because she spits on the nurse. God, I don't know. I might not say there's a they have a ring hunk Which I thought was a nice touch if you have ladies fighting to have a sexy boy hold up the cards fun I don't get the rules. There's no clock. So the rounds just kind of end whenever there apparently are rules though because sometimes the ref will step in and he'll like One of them will throw the other down and he'll step in and be like, that doesn't count as a knockdown. What?

What does that mean? Are there knockdowns? Yeah, I think if you shove somebody down, that doesn't count. But I don't know when we were supposed to know these. Tracy Lords actually does some work explaining this. I took a clip actually. Zora's seen more canvas than Rembrandt right about now.

The two of them locked up like a crazy good commercial. Anthrax has hit Zora with everything but the kitchen sink and that's only because she couldn't unscrew it from the wall. And the Avengers hung over the ropes. She's had more hangovers than a Shriner's convention. The crowd not happy with the decision. I did edit that one. It's just relentless. The crowd not happy with the decision. Oh! Ha!

I did edit that one. God, it's just relentless. Just relentless. Relentless misery. So this pre-planned match ends in a draw because no one was able to hurt the other one. And the crowd, of course, hates this. So this is the three out of three matches

that has ended with just a fully furious crowd of men booing at the ladies. To no result. Booing zero results. The next match we do come in a little bit late. It's Valerie, the horny finance babe, versus Bambi, the horny beach babe. She's filling in for the lumberjack. Yeah. That was the weirdest thing. He's like, oh, Melanie couldn't make weight for the match. Like, what is this subplot? Where is this coming from? Did I miss like the pre-show weigh-ins?

Like, what is going on? She got, there's no weigh-ins for this. There's no weight classes. There's no categorization or safety measures. Like just say she got a yeast infection from getting groped by a filthy man last match. There are some weird rules to this one. They're gonna, they have to wear a boxing glove

on their free hand is what the ref says. But the other hand's holding a strap. So it's like some kind of old timey dusty roads match. You get it. Yeah. Bambi here, the horny beach babe, also has a lot of great credits, so once again, I'm gonna give you eight,

and the two of you are gonna tell me the fake one. Okay, Bambi played Beautiful Demon in Demon World, I'm sorry, Demon Wind. She played Girl in Shower in Prime Target. You're not gonna like this one. Julie in The Crease Master. I love that one. She played Randy in Strippers Inc. 4.

She played Wendy in Strippers Inc. 2. She played Jane in The Temple of Poon. You might want to just beep that, Jamie. She played porno actress number one in Merchants of Venus, and she played Molly in Titty Bar 2. Which of those is fake? All right, I'm clearly calibrated wrong. Dan, where are you leaning?

Okay, so I think that all of these movies are real, but she wasn't in Strippers Inc. 2. She was only in 4. You won't believe this. I'm not even joking when I say that's exactly what I was going to say. Down to Strippers Inc. 2. She was only in four. You won't believe this. I'm not even joking when I say that's exactly what I was going to say. Down to Strippers Inc. 2. I don't believe she was in Strippers Inc. 2,

but I do think she was in four. You're a little bit right, a little bit wrong. These are all real. I did not put a trick one in. She was in both of those Strippers Inc. movies as different characters. Damn, we got close though. That was good Dan.

You're dialing it in. You're getting good. If we do a third round, I think you're going to get it. But I do the comedy rule of twos, so there is no third round. I took some clips of the commentary in this fight. Again, you're going to love this. A big fist drop to the bread basket. And if there was any bread there, it's all crumbs now.

Now the executive decides to help the sand worshiper by tanning her hide. And the beach girl treats her like a CD of maturity. She rolls her over. Cheers. It's quality. Quality finance pun. It's like so long of a setup too.

Yeah. And like everybody in the crowd understands and loves that joke. That's your demographic. The crowd's not even hearing it. That's for us. That's for the people at home. That's for all the kids who are ordering the paper bill.

They think this is so rad. I'm not, we're grading on a curve, but that match actually had like some drama and a clear winner. So like they do with some core. There's like, it's the bare minimum of choreography, but it's like, God, it's water in a desert at this point. You're just like, Oh, thank God. Thank God that

somebody's looks like they're doing something like that looked like a kick and the other person looked like they might've seen or felt that kick, not just hurling themselves onto the fingers of desperate plumbers after this match it cuts to Valerie's promo and you're not gonna ever guess where she goes with her chatter I'm really just an old softy I cry at weddings I collect mementos from special evenings. I get all sentimental when I go through the family album. But there's one thing that really makes me all warm inside.

Hot water, animals. Welcome back to more Knockouts at St. Animals. Welcome back to more Knockout Session. What? Yeah, we'll end it there. I make my wife watch like all the like terrible things I have to watch for this podcast. And I like stepped into the other room to like, I don't know, take care of our infant son, or whatever, even though that's, you know, she's, she's better at it than me. But she like stopped it and was like, hold on, we need to rewind to

make sure she said what I think she said. Because the other ones, like the other ones, the last line, like, sort of makes some sense with their character or is like some sort of sex thing. And this is just like, what I really love is this, is this like, is this fetish that, yep, that's it. Like there's no, like I guess someone thought, I mean, I guess it is the most interesting writing in the show because I'm going to be thinking about it for the rest of my life. Surely that is actually what she's into. Imagine saying that out of nowhere if that wasn't

something you were into. She was babe number two in Hot Water Enemas, the movie. Revenge of the Hot Water Party enemas, the detective agency. I think the writer of this wrote, you know, what makes me warm inside. And then they thought like what literally makes you warm inside. And then they landed on that. And they're like, oh, that's that's a joke, right? Is that how jokes work? I think I don't I think that's what happened. But yeah, like I said, I think that takes the magic out of it.

So maybe we cut that too, Jamie. So the next match is a biker babe, her name Torch, and she's facing Lumberjack Melanie. And it's another just regular bad boxing match. But there's a moment where Torch like kicks, kicks the Lumberjack in the face and the ref like doesn't care. And it does nothing. It didn't hurt.

There's no rules. Nothing matters. But like, I just like, you're allowed to kick? But anyway, the vicar lady eventually just sort of lays down because somebody punched her in the gloves. This has my favorite pun ever. I have no bullshit. I think you might actually like this one.

And the round guy doesn't seem to be disappointing the ladies in attendance either. The woodcutter girls are down. Melanie ready to go out on a limb here. They're swinging wildly. The lumberjack has had it in for the biker ever since she double-parted her motorcycle on Melanie's parents. What the fuck?

I guess I am laughing at it. Too much. Why does it, they always feel they have to add one other thing for like, I guess for comedy cadence. Like earlier they said she spends more time on the floor than wall to wall carpet. And it's like, does wall to wall carpet spend more time on the floor than regular carpet? I mean, there's more area. I see, I kind of see, here it's like double parked

on her parents. Why, where does the double, the parents were in the street? Right. Yeah, there's no need for it to be double parked. It doesn't do anything. It just adds more confusion, but they feel like it makes it funnier

because it has more syllables. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. The musicality of it, they're like, oh, it's so much funnier when it's double parked. You're like, is it she? Are you saying she ran over her parents or she parked badly on her parents? I don't know.

I guess it is funnier that she parked badly on her parents. It adds this sort of, I don't care. I don't know. It's good world building for the Tracy Lords. Fake boxing puns. Okay, next, my notes say there's a Kung Fu challenge. I don't remember this. You guys wanna try to describe this?

It's like they're in an empty gym that's totally dark. And I think it's a very, it's a tall white woman. It might be the lumberjack, I'm not really sure. Versus an Asian woman, they're both wearing like, martial arts robes that they then strip off and wear, wrestle. They do some sort of pastiche of martial arts and it's like, by far the most choreographed thing in in the show. But then there are sound effects throughout this this like cinematic match that just have no relation to what's going on. Sean, did you take a clip of these? Believe it or not, I did not, because there's no words.

I was going to ask you not to play them. Yeah, yeah, because it does play like the random oriental noises you might be expecting. And then just a lot of like Bruce Lee sounds. It kind of just sounds like someone's playing Street Fighter sort of near these women. I'm not sure if they're supposed to be making these sounds in the story. And Dan, you said it's choreographed, but it's choreographed like your first,

like sixth grade Kung Fu movie. So like it'll be a camera cut to like a slow motion punch, like gently push punching into the other person's face. It's because the fight isn't the point. The fight is the setup to the punch line. And the punch line is that the rapist's doctor comes in and rapes her unconscious body for five straight minutes. Oh. Oh, shit. It does say that in my notes.

Before we get to that, I do want everyone to know the Asian lady has the butt cheeks cut out of her tights. My notes just say, tell them about that. Let everyone know you noticed that. I forgot all about that because of the ensuing sexual assault that does not stop. There's really nothing like this that I've ever seen. The Asian lady tries to, she wins and leaves, she has to jump over the ropes and eats total shit. And you're like, okay, that's a weird ending. But then it gets so much worse.

The doctor comes in and yeah, he just starts molesting her. Like the gag very literally is he's trying to pick her up and he keeps finding himself in sex positions while he's like humping her. And this goes on for, I'd say 30 minutes. Yeah, it's most of the tape. It is most of the tape. And it's not one position.

He keeps getting, he just tries positions. I wanna say six times of just like putting her face in his crotch and dry humping her face for like a minute and a half while a laugh track plays. And they pan over a totally empty gymnasium so it can only be the laughter of ghosts. It's utter madness. And then he just keeps doing it.

He'll bend her over, he'll pick her up, and he'll just mean the whole time, thrusting and thrusting and thrusting. And you're like, why, what did I do? I must have done something because this is hell. Someone actually wrote, the perfect character comes in and dry humps the unconscious, maybe dead woman for a full 10 minutes.

He finally gets her to her feet and then drops her on top of him. And then he like crawls out the back so his head pops out of her crotch almost like a visual metaphor for a birth. Like it's no longer sexual, it's taken on this whole new perversion. There's little sound effects like slide whistles and cowbells. There's fart noises and shit. I don't know if you'll ever hate anything as much as this. I should be arrested for even seeing it, for talking about it. Definitely for making us watch it.

Yes. If it wasn't a comedy show, this would just be an unspeakable sex crime. I think it might be worse since it is a comedy show. It's definitely not better. So she finally wakes up and she finds a pervert in a crotch. And then she like bonks him out cold and then drags his body away. I don't even know. And then it cuts to Cartella, who is great.

I love, she combines two of my favorite things, hot girls and problematic pro wrestling characters. But her promo is insane. She says she like, she wants handcuffs and Vaseline. I don't even I don't even understand what she means by I didn't understand it either. That is that is right here in my notes cartella once and drops in Vaseline. What the hell does that mean? Good I'm glad I didn't go crazy. I've lost any sense of what sex is 700 innuendos ago is what she's saying. Definitely during the 20 minute long dead silence ghost molestation. Skit? That can't be the right word. There's such a simple kind of charming racism at work here.

It's like when Cartella takes the mic to do her intro, Tracy Lord, I think, says, why didn't she just smuggle in her own sound system? Yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah, they also call her the fiery smuggler. And I was like, oh, is that like a double racism descriptor? So they own they there was only one thing we thought of people of Latino people, Latino women, and it's that they smuggle. They smuggle and they're fiery.

This is gonna sound crazy. I did not take a clip of the next sketch. I did, it's just not here in my thing, which is probably for the best, because the doctor's setup is, hey, how do you feel about dating criminals? And she says, why, what'd you do? And he says, I was arrested for statutory rape and she's like

oh I thought this was a joke I thought are we not doing the skip we're not filming yeah okay I don't know maybe we should I'll add the clip later it's it's astonishing no that's that's word for word what I have in my notes that's exactly the transcription what I have in my notes. That's exactly the transcription. Yeah. He just, he tells her in a very frank manner, hello, I am a statutory rapist. She's like, whoa.

I thought we're, we're done having fun, huh? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. The next fight is, let's see, the cartella, the fiery smuggler and the beauty queen, Bobby Sue and Betty Jean. Fantastic name, Sly. And then Bobby, Bobby the beauty queen hits Cartella

with the ultimate insult. I took a clip of this. Actually, it looked just like my old mate, Consuelo. She wasn't an American either. Cartella wants the mic. Why didn't she just smuggle in her own sound system? Look you oversized Barbie doll. I'm an American too. The only reason you claim to be Miss America Is because you have a father in every state Do you want to take that one again? What?

I think I see where she's going with it. It's like reversed to what she means, but like I get it. But hers really landed. You're not even American. It's just like, bam, fucking yes. Got her. Yeah. So that's the level of, that's the crowd work. Like that's women in the ring grabbing the microphone

and performing those lines for the crowd. And as you can hear at the end of that sketch, they hated it. Yeah, they did not like it. The only sound you hear from the crowd is boo, the whole night. The whole night. They do beat up the ref a lot in this.

Then everyone kind of just makes friends and leaves together, which I think is what set the crowd off the most where they're just like, wait, what the fuck? You guys know each other. You're just friends. What was all this fiction then? What the fuck? That's so unhappy. I've never seen an unhappier crowd. They're not rooting for anybody. Right. They're just rooting for this to be over. I have another sketch I took. I think you'll like this one. Hi, I'm Dixie.

I wish I was in Dixie. Doctor, I've come for the results of my tests. I have them right here, and I have good news for you, Mrs. Johnson. Oh, I'm not married. In that case, I have bad news for you, Mrs. Johnson. Oh, I'm not married. In that case, I have bad news for you, Miss Johnson. You mean I'm pregnant? When did this happen? Tonight, after a few drinks, if I'm lucky. Then I'm really okay.

You're fine. I'm the one with the problem. What's wrong? Every time I sneeze, I get the sensation of complete sexual fulfillment. Really? What are you taking for it? Pepper. That'll be all. So she hits him in the take there. What do you say about you and I getting together for a gymnastics date?

Great! You can start by taking a flying leap. I left that in because I wanted you to know that after one sexual harassment sketch, it generally cuts to a different male member of the staff sexually harassing the wrestlers. At least one other. That's the pattern. It's always two if not three. I really liked this one because it sort of demonstrated another theme of the show is that these women they've trained so hard to defend themselves in the ring that they have no like

defenses against like sexual predators so this doctor is just like just rattling off like harassing sexual statements to them and they're just like oh what rattling off, like harassing sexual statements to them. And they're just like, oh, what could that possibly mean? As if they didn't, you know, grow up women their whole lives. Anyway, speaking of terrible sexual schemes, Nutsy Faken is still scheming to get with Tracy Lortz. He's done Rocky, he's done John Travolta, he's done Rodney Dangerfield, Jack Nicholson,

and he's finally decided on Richard Simmons. And he comes out, not in a Richard Simmons wig, just doing a very flamboyant voice. And it works. Tracy Lords loves gay men. So she's like, Yay, Richard Simmons, it's really you. You can gossip with me about the terrible man who's been harassing me all night. You can gossip with me about the terrible man who's been harassing me all night I don't I don't even know the what the fuck I guess we're at the main event though Mercifully, huh? This is a boxer versus a wrestler for the championship robe The wrestler has to win by pin or submission the boxer has to win by knockout So So this is kind of an interesting like blood sport style fight. One of those is way easier win condition than the other. Yeah, I agree

completely that one person doesn't have to wear big padded gloves and can win by just holding you down. So it's Dixie, the Marine is the wrestler and Wendy, the cheerleader is the boxer. And it again seems super not fair. I'm not going to do the commentary on the match because Tracy Lords did such an amazing job. I took a clip of S.O.S. The pom-pom girl cleaned her clock like a precision watchmaker. The Marine has hit the deck more times than a superstitious card player. And Cartella gets another shot. Next time she better smuggle in protective headgear.

Her aerial attack has turned more tables than a fleet of moving men. Sending her spine looking for vacation brochures. This has got to be the biggest case of theft since the brace job. And they're tearing the clothes off each other's back. I haven't seen this much shredding since the Oliver North trial.

It's unbelievable, bodies and clothing are flying everywhere. I haven't seen women tearing at clothing like this since giveaway day at Neiman Marcus. Maybe the Latin smuggled in an extra outfit there. The ring looks like a donation site for the Salvation Army. He didn't make any friends today, but at least his heart's in the right place. Einstein 100 Frankfurt Einstein 100 Frankfurt Our podcast is great!

And with Maximillian, ciao! Does Frankfurt podcast say that? Correct! Yes! The craft is not trapped, it is not without Send it to the dog zoo for an hour Come on, you know the number Einstein 100 Einstein 100 Frankfurt Einstein 100 Come on, you kids, you new mom! Einstein, who done?

Einstein, who done? Frankfurt! Einstein, who done? New York! Einstein, who done? Frankfurt! Einstein, who done? Einstein, who done?

Frankfurt! Einstein, who done? New York! YAH! 9000! On Hot Dog Beach, you're never alone. Somebody's always got your back. And if you're ever in trouble, just look for…

The Supremes. Aaron Crosston. Adrian H. Alex Nolenberg. Alpha Scientist Javo. Anandine. Armando Nava. Autumn Armstrong-Berg is helping a lost child return to their family.

Finn Talzer Brandon Garlok Brian Saylor Brock Way famously loves the meat milly, is fighting a gang of fentanyl addicted dolphins. Burrito Ceral is dealing with the festive aftermath of a birthday hang gliding accident. Cheddar will. Common Sense. Craig Lemoine.

Quavis is escorting the President of the United States of America on his annual beach jog. Dan B. David Schull. Dean Costello. Delta Foxtrot. Devin the Rogue Supreme. Doug Redmond is helping a lost family return to their child

Drayson Dusty's Rad Title Elizabeth Shope just taught a suicidal swimming hobo that life is worth living again Elliot Watson was that suicidal swimming hobo, now he's the CEO of a jet ski company. Eric Christian Berg. Eric Rhea. Fancy Shark. Gareth is trying to save beach Christmas from jaded elves just here to party. Jell-o-ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches. Greg Cunningham.

Haraka. Harvey Penguini. Hendrick Sorensen is getting beach audited by beach accountants Honk Jaber Al Aiden James Boyd Jared Clack is helping a lost child and family return to their dog Jared Mountainman Jared Ruiz Jeff O'Rasky John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff

Joseph Searls is trying to warn those teens, their volleyball is actually a bomb! Josh S. Joshua Graves Justin B. Ken Paisley K&M Kamutsas KVH has to assassinate the jogging president to prove to the party elves there's still magic at the beach!

Lane Haygood Lisa MJahi Chappelle Mark Mahoney Matt Reilly Max Baroi is trying to return a lost jogging president to his worried Secret Service agents. Moju Mercenary sysadmin Michael Lair, Mort, Mr. Bob Gray just had his lifeguard truck stolen by a lost child. ND, Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, Neku104, Nick Lovino, Orn Rewievel has collected all 7000 lost beach children into an ad hoc army and declared war on hot dog beach.

Ozzy Olin Patrick Herbst Rhiannon Russell Bauman's suicidal swim hobo Bran Jetski just exploded. It's not a good company folks. Sarkovsky Sean Chase Seed, Space Jam fan is now helping the jaded party elves revenge themselves upon beach Santa, Spotty reception, Super Knot, Tater's

Tales, Ted H, Timmy Leahy owes so much money and fucking beach taxes. There's just no way up at the sea. Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Vuster, Waylon Russell. Yvonne Clapham just saved another suicidal swimming hobo and taught him that the real beach taxes... little something called love and friendship everybody. Zack and friendship everybody.