The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 227, Terror in the Woods with Jason Pargin

Episode Date: May 14, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back award winning author, Jason Pargin. Today we watch "Terror in the Woods" also called, "These Woods are Haunted" but also not called that, or, it IS but the other thing. No one knows... Scared yet? Brought to you by the same subset of Travel Channel's channel channels, that birthed Mountain Monsters, "Haunted Terror Pargin" explores the real life tales of a drunk guy and his quest for lodging... SPOOKY LODGING. A testament to what might possibly be the best storytelling ever committed to video tape! "Woodsy the Forest Terror" will leave you wanting 

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dogs of 9000, the official official podcast of 1-900-Hotdog, America's last comedy website. I'm Drifter murdering goat man Robert Brockway and with me is my comedy partner, Grave Pissin' Sean, baby. It's a pleasure to be here. I've been peeing on Graves.

Oh, oh, my stream is tired. Just a real quick check in with the spirits. Yes, they love it They all love it and our guest today coming to you straight from the nest he made of his dead mother's clothing It's not weird people do it all the time. It's award-winning author Jason Bargen Hi, and we're doing This show you gave me to watch makes Mountain Monsters look like Breaking Bad. I know we've got to do the intro stuff.

But you're right. You're already very right. I'm amazed you showed up, frankly. I wasn't expecting it. I had other things planned for tonight because I just assumed he's not going to show up. Before we get into it, where can people find more from you, Jason? I am overwhelmingly just a social media personality these days. My username is Jason K. Pargin on TikTok and the Twitter knockoffs and Instagram and all

of the other collective video platforms where I have now 1.3 million followers across- Holy shit.... across all of them. That's a shocking amount of influence. You should use that for evil. I mean, it seems like I should be making more money off of it than I am, but I'm scared of looking up how to do that. Like I think I'm at a stage where I could take sponsorships that pay real money because this is the last form of advertising that you can still do, right? Where you become an influencer, then you use people's love of you and your work to trick

them into buying crap. Like I feel like I'm just leaving money on the table, but I feel like it's un-American to leave money on the table, but I also feel like we should normalize it. Like I feel like maybe the three of us should write a movie called Leave the Money on the Table and just make it look like a super cool thing to do. Just so the next generation of people isn't just nickel and diming each other to death. I think that's what we're doing right now with this podcast. Oh, yeah. Which does not have ads. We've talked about it. Every time it comes up, we've decided, oh, man, we don't want to do that. That just sounds terrible.

So we don't. And baby, we're leaving the money on the table. We're making it look good. We're just like this money. It's the fucking best. But I know we're driving people crazy. So follow Jason, I guess, no book promo. Taking a page from me, also not doing book promotion.

I have a new book coming out. It is all finished. I'm very proud of it It's not legally enforceable that I have to promote it yet. I've checked my contract There is a legally enforceable window where I have to promote this book, but baby we're not there yet So I'm not saying shit Sean. What would you like to plug? Oh, I'm gonna promote our website 1-900 hot dog calm Sean, what would you like to plug? Oh, I'm going to promote our website, 1900hotdog.com. It's great. We have world-class writers.

They do jokes every day about very, very strange things. Go to patreon.com slash 1900hotdog to support us. It's the only way to support us. As we said, we don't have ads. Honestly, why would we? Because we cover stuff like this. Today, we're watching a show called These Woods Are Haunted, also called Terror in the Woods.

It was a 2017 supernatural reality show on travel channel, destination channel, travel, plus sub channel America, whatever the fuck that thing was. It's the thing that did Mountain Monsters. It's the channel that did Mountain Monsters. It's the channel that did Mountain Monsters. Given the year and content, I think it's not the same exact crew that did Mountain Monsters,

but it's very, very much the vibe of something transparently attempting to capitalize on the heat of Mountain Monsters. We actually covered this in an episode of our other podcast entirely about the show Mountain Monsters. We actually covered this in an episode of our other podcast entirely about the show Mountain Monsters. For those of you unaware who don't know why Brockway keeps referring to Mountain Monsters as a show that everyone in the world knows about.

Which is that these travel channels and these cable channels, they started out trying to do travel stuff. They did Mountain Monsters inexplicably, which was a travel show where it's like, well, yeah, but what if we also fight Bigfoot and also what if we never travel? And it was such a huge hit that within a couple of years, the travel channel as a concept was dead and it was entirely Bigfoot, aliens and ghosts. And this was in the wake of like this is I think two years after Mountain Monsters. So this very much feels like a show they rapidly slapped together due to

the saddest possible impulse I can imagine in all of entertainment, which is we need to catch this Mountain Monsters wave. We need to grab some of the magic that that show has brought to the world. I'd argue they did not. No, no, absolutely not. They really tried though, they really tried to keep the vibe of let's do, let's make this improv heavy. This show clearly has a script, which we'll get to. But a lot of the actual spoken dialogue, I do feel, well, I can prove, is improvised by people who are very bad at that. So that's a Mountain Monsters thing.

It feels like you got a bunch of people on a campfire and told ghost stories. And then whoever told the worst ghost story, someone held a gun to their head and said, make it 20 minutes longer. And that's, I think how they made this show. First of all, why does it have two different titles? Why is it these woods are haunted and terror in the woods? Because in one of these segments, they literally make the witness end of their story with, and that was a true

terror in the woods. It's not called that anymore. So you're like, why did he say it like that? So what happened? Do you do, does anybody know in the world? No. Why I don't, I imagine it just wasn't testing well, but I can't, I would, I can't understand why these woods are haunted is any better. Like that.

I have a theory that when they went to upload it to a streaming service or to upload it to their streaming platform, that whoever uploaded it just forgot the name of the show and just typed, what was it called? Something that had the word woods in it. And they just didn't, nobody checked. That's so in the spirit of this show.

For two months it was called Fuck It When's Lunch. So this was sent to me by my friend Ben Daniels, who is a big fan of Big Feet's, our other podcast about Mountain Monsters. And he sent me- Screw you Ben. You've lost some friends today, Ben. I'm gonna find your graven pee on it, Ben. That'll make sense in about 40 minutes.

Well, let's just get into it. Every show opens, just like Mountain Monst Monsters with a disclaimer. This disclaimer is And that is true. They will frequently like have a little side note during the show They'll be like this person person did not wanna talk to us. And you're like, yeah, I understand. I understand why. But it's always put in a way that it sort of seems like, I wish couldn't find them.

Like we lost their number or like, yeah, they weren't into it. It's never like, they could not be located. It's just like, nah, they just, they fucking blew us off. They make it very clear. They don't wanna be involved with this production. It's not something spooky. They just hate us, like in particular.

The other thing is that every episode, with each story, they know they don't have enough to fill an entire episode. So each episode is two stories, right? I think they start with a lot more. They do one story per episode. They do that a lot more. It's they do one story per episode. Like they do that a lot more in the first season. And then they realize, shit, that's a bad idea. Yeah, because all of these stories are nothing,

but it's very funny because the titles of the segments are phrases. Usually it's something that was said during the segment. Like did something attach itself to my soul? Like they'll make that the title of the segment. So the titles of the episodes are always this and that. So if you're just reading them unfamiliar with the format, it just sounds like somebody had a stroke.

Like actual episode titles, the church in the woods, and it was probably going to kill us. Devil monkey and you freeze, you die. No one's ever going to see me again. And something very powerful. And then my favorite, it's coming for the cabin and that's just now supposed to happen. You know what these sound like is a Roblox games. They sound like horror Roblox games that my daughter would play. It sounds like you took Wes Craven's phone and played one of those games where you just

let auto complete until it ends. You just keep it going. So it has a very American horror story opening. In this case, it's Canadian horror story. All of these stories are set in America, but it was filmed in Nova Scotia, and it becomes very obvious when we get to some of the witnesses

that they filmed and cast this in Canada. And what's great about that, what's very funny about that, is that the format of the show is two-part. It's kind of an Unsolved Mysteries, right? It's ostensibly a real person with a real story they're telling it, and then they cut to a scripted, acted reenactment of their tale as they narrate over it. So they have two sets of people, the actual people telling their story in the studio and then filmed at a separate location with actors. And you would think, OK, it's about real American people and real American stories. We just filmed it in Canada. So it's going to be pretty funny when some of the actors have Canadian accents.

And it is and they do. But it's very funny when they forget. And some of the witnesses that say they're from West Virginia have strong Canadian accents. It's a good show. Also when you're cutting back and forth between the witness who is the real person and then the actor acting it out and the actor is much thinner and hotter than the witness, but it's supposed to be them. So it's this overweight guy with like a beard seems like, well, yeah, well, me and James, we were driving up to forks.

And then it cuts to a couple of much hotter people and he's describing what he did, but it's like the sexier actor doing it. It looks like you're seeing into their delusion. Like if you look up into like how I remember this, then here's me, here's me super hot. Here's Bigfoot also really hot over here. There's a few babes there too, if I remember. The first story that we're talking about, this is, it's called Cabin in the Woods. It's the first part of season one, episode two,

just like, well, not like Mount Monsters anymore. You can watch this on HBO Max until until we make it popular enough for them to pull it, which is what is happening to mountain monsters. It will we can't do it. It's too hard for this one. The story is called Cabin in the Woods. And this is James and Westies story who are just two overweight warehouse working looking dudes. And every single episode, they start the story by having anybody the witnesses involved slowly raise their heads to stare mournfully

into the camera. It is very funny. Yeah, it's so funny. It's my favorite trope because they do this every single episode and in every single episode, it is not slow motion. They just ask the actors to do it very slowly. It cracks me up so hard. These two nerds just solemnly like lifting their gaze to the camera

But it's just like a couple of babies who got scared of a ghost and here they are like complaining about it So James and Westy are with their friend Rob. This is their story And he's gonna be shipped out to Afghanistan, but he's getting married before he's leaving He is marrying a girl from Forks, Washington, and they're going to have the wedding in Forks This is a 50 mile drive about a 50 mile drive along the two-lane highway when the left tire of the automobile blew out now That means they had a spare to go on but they could only drive about 20 miles an hour on that spare I hope you're writing this down. You'll need all of this to solve my ghostly word problem. I have that in my notes that these are too many details

that like we don't really need to know. And in fact, I think it hurts the story that like they create such a specific reason for them to do this because it adds all these holes later when you're like, well, why don't they just do fucking this? It's so great because we've all known that infuriating storyteller who keeps getting thrown off by just completely irrelevant details.

Like she's trying to tell you about the time she got mugged and she's like, well, yeah, it was last August and I was walking through the parking lot to target it. But I wasn't target? No, it wasn't. Well, no, it wouldn't have been target. It would have been the mall.

Well, it's the target that's it. No, no, get to the mugging. We don't care about this. And this is what this is, because this goes on for a long time, going into the exact details of what is the most standard ghost-ha in the woods setup in the world. Car breaks down, cabin. And instead there's like 37 steps which I realize if it's a real story that stuff would be there.

But you know what? Just take it out. Even if this is the actual story the witness gave you, just lift that crap out of there. Now I think it's important. You'll have to really follow along with their logic. So James and Westy decide on a spare, it's too dangerous to drive back. I don't know why they decide that. That's not true.

So they have to stay wherever they're going overnight. Now, they were not planning on doing that, so they did not bring jackets or sleeping gear, and they can't sleep out in their car or whatever. They make it to the wedding and they get there and then they ask the whole family, hey, this is a wedding, this is your family's wedding. Can we stay the night at the bride's family's house?

And they said, no. Are you fucking crazy? Of course not. It's a wedding. It's our daughter getting married. Do you not think our house is full of fucking relatives right now? Of course not. It's a wedding. It's our daughter getting married. Do you not think our house is full of fucking relatives right now? These are like the most dirtbag of her new husband's friends too.

Like one of them's wearing a camo shirt in the reenactment. After they made it clear he did not bring a change of clothes, meaning that's what he wore to the wedding and the reception. And as they cut back from him saying that, it's to him drinking angrily alone on the front porch Yeah, man. This is why nobody fucking wants you They also say we didn't bring any money so we couldn't get a hotel room and also buy anything So everybody had to buy everything for us. Yes, and

No one would let them Stay anywhere. So they're like does anyone have a free bed in their hotel room? They all said no How shitty are you that they can't even like borrow $50? Like they're in like fucking La Pluma, Washington. Like I looked up the motels. It's like 45 bucks. It's now today money today. Yes. Can the people at the wedding each kick in 75 cents combined? That would be enough to get us a bed overnight so we don't have to freeze to death in our vehicle. And they're like, no.

Or alternatively, we're saying we're woodsmen and it just, we weren't planning on doing this. That's why we didn't bring our tents and sleeping bags. Could anybody just lend us some blankets? Also, no, that's surprising. Yeah. Also, you could just sleep in your car. It'd be cold. You might have to turn it on for a bit. There's so many solutions to this problem that aren't going into the fucking woods and sleeping in a haunted cabin. With a spare tire on, Sean? That's not safe to do. You're right. You can't sleep in a car with a spare tire. You're right. I take it back. I take it back. Go fight the ghost. So it's the bride who eventually offers

to drive them to her grandma's cabin on her wedding day. Yes. Again, there's no fucking way this happened. This is the details that I was talking about where you can fact check this just in the logic of the world. Would a bride after getting married drive her new husband's most dirtbag friends out into the fucking woods to stay? No, she would say, God damn it, fine, sleep on the couch.

We're not done. We're not even 10% of the way through why none of this makes sense. It's to sleep in a grandma's cabin and James says very seriously, that grandma had died about six months before. So that's the start of your ghost story. The bride tells them furthermore, her uncle uses this house as a hunting lodge and also apparently to live there. And she warns them, the uncle doesn't know about the wedding. He doesn't know they'll be staying the night. She has no way of contacting him and he's basically gone insane from his mother's recent death, so if he does show up, he will be furious and might kill them.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Sleep in your fucking car. This is just, this is not an option. This is as much of a not an option as like, the couch that everyone refused you. So this didn't happen, obviously. None of this happened. But if this did happen, what's happening there is she's trying to say, I really don't wanna take you there. Yes. Can you drop the hint?

Can you just take the hint? No, well, also my crazy uncle's there and he might kill you. Still, yes, you still want us to go. And then we cut to the bride's car, hauling ass like angrily down a dirt road at night, like fucking fuck these guys, fine.

You get mild divergence between the story, the way the witnesses tell it, and then what they chose to shoot in the reenactment. So they say things like, it was a hunting lodge in the woods, she had died there six months before. But then when they show the lodge they chose to do for the reenactment, it is straight up the cabin from the Evil Dead films. It is just bathed in shadow even during the daytime. And there's just animal flesh hanging off of things. They're just filth everywhere. At one point, they show the phone and there's a jar with a thumb in formaldehyde, like a human thumb.

Yeah, grandma. a human thumb just mixed because they just decorated it as a haunted cabin and nowhere in the verbal telling of it is it like this is the most terrifying place imaginable. So they show them arrive at the place and the bride is like leading them around, showing them around like, oh yeah, here you go. Here's three different times she screams at the top of her lungs when she sees something in a room. She like opened a door and she around like, oh yeah, here you go. Here's three different times. She screams at the top of her lungs when she sees something in a room. To like open a door and see like an animal hide hanging down like, yeah.

There are three, there are three separate fake jump scares in their story. It's incredible. I would absolutely say, you know, obviously fuck this. I'm not staying at the cabin. I'm going to go give another shot with those bridesmaids. There's got to be a place for me to sleep. But I don't know, just find a truck stop and drink coffee for six hours. There are so many solutions to this that aren't laying down next to the formaldehyde thumb and the jars of pee that some fucking maniac set designer put over everything. Because listeners, when these guys choose to stay there, they are going to go up in the attic and barricade themselves and arm themselves. Like immediately. They're not going to wait. She's

going to drop them off and then immediately they're going to start like, all right, well, we've got to get ready to die. Some of this, okay, some of this is, if you pay attention, some of this is in their story, like Jason said, it diverges between this and the reenactment. So like in their story, they do still kind of barricade themselves in. But as they're being shown around the cabin, they don't really say anything about it. They say like, oh, she showed us around the cabin. We don't have any descriptors. But the reenactment, he says, James in the testimony says, there's a card table, some metal chairs, a refrigerator, an old phone on the counter.

The reenactment shows us the table from Resident Evil 7, a refrigerator leaking blood and a disused cursed rotary phone covered in decades of grime. They were like, I don't think he said it. They just dismantled some drywall over that fucking phone. There's a moment I love so much when the girl says, help yourself to anything in the fridge,

and they open it, it's just like sacks of a dismembered deer. Sacks of rotting deer carcasses and she gags. Yeah, and they dub in the flies buzzing around it. So it's a refrigerator full of rotting flesh. To help yourself to anything you find in there, boys. It's just a Resident Evil room. And then they find the bedroom where they find, where they find that the uncle has made a nest on the floor

out of old women's clothing with a man-sized hole in the nest, as he says, and James says, so she sees us looking at the mommy nest and explains, well, my uncle hasn't really gotten over his mom's death, you know, It's part of the natural grieving process. Anger, bargaining, nesting, just all right there. No, James says he had been sleeping in a pile of his dead mother's clothes, and it cuts to Westie who says, Which isn't normal. People don't normally do that. I think here's a detail I want to talk about. When they say man-sized hole in the nest, And it cuts to Westy who says, which isn't normal. People don't normally do that. I think, here's a detail I want to talk about.

When they say man-sized hole in the nest, it kind of implies that the clothes have formed some kind of a hard shell, and I don't know if the producers know this, but if you bury yourself in clothes and then crawl out, they fall and that leaves a pile, not a secret cave where your body once was. I just, that's just not how piles of mommy clothes work. Unless they're crusted up for some reason. That's true. I guess it heavily implies a crust

and that's a whole other thing, I suppose. Right. What Sean is saying is that if you saw a pile of clothes on the floor, it requires a leap of imagination in your own brain to say, oh, I bet that's a nest he was sleeping in versus just, oh, there's a bunch of clothes on the floor. Like there's no shape that pile of laundry could take that would make you visualize, oh, he's been sleeping in that because of he's grieving. And there's some clothes on the floor and we were really creeped out.

Did you not see the thumb by the phone to me? It felt heavily implied that it was some sort of an igloo situation There was a hole formed and like a structure of clothes Yes a hole in the nest It's that thing where the verbal story the set designers could not they were writing a check that the set designers could not cash We see this happen in mountain monsters all the the time, where they give the effects team, which is them, a task that they cannot complete. Same thing here.

Like it sounds very good in a verbal story around a campfire. It's like, well, he had made it like a nest out of her clothes, but then you actually try to make that in your room. It's like, oh, so that's just some laundry on the floor. But after showing them all of this, the refrigerator full of rotten flesh, the body parts in the formaldehyde,

the nest on the floor where the crazy person's been sleeping and the clothes of the dead grandmother, the bride and her new husband say, all right, we'll see you in the morning. And they get in the car and they drive away. And then, then James reveals the shocker. He says he told the story out of order. He says the bride did not tell them about the uncle,

the murderous uncle sleeping in a mommy nest until they were already at the cabin and then left. So, so the story really goes, they arrive to this cabin, they see all of this creepy stuff, and then they find themselves looking at a nest, and then the bride goes, oh right, my uncle lives here. He's a maniac. He will kill you if he finds you.

He sleeps in this nest of my mother's clothes. So good night, and then they leave. What's so great is they decide to, they hatch a scheme to hide. They're like, okay, if the uncle shows up, we've got to like fucking hide like Anne Frank. We can't be like, we're your niece's friends. We're not, sorry we're here. We weren't expecting us.

Let me, let us tell you the story. It's kind of a funny story. It starts with a flat tire several hours of storytelling ago. No, but like, I don't know. It's, it's crazy to me that that is their plan A. Just in case the uncle stops by his hunting lodge after the club, that they're like, let's just end Frank in the attic rather than tell him a reasonable story. Plan A, A, and a backup A. It's just the only plan they have. Immediate impulse.

He's now left like, they say that he had been chopping wood out there, there's like a bunch of split logs. And then on the log that you use to chop the other wood, they apparently could not find a full sized ax for the set. So it was just a little hatchet, which to be fair, if he was splitting logs with that thing, dude is strong as hell. But one of them runs out there to grab the axe and he does this in a way as if he is running out

amidst a zombie swarm and is grabbing it. He grabs it. He's having a meltdown, he's hyperventilating and then sprints back inside and slams the door and leans up against it it holding this little hatchet and he's like almost crying but keep in mind they've not heard the uncle pulling up. Yeah. Nothing has occurred. There's no ticking croc. Yeah, there's nothing but again it's I don't know if this is the actors in the flashback trying to spice things up more than what the verbal story is telling, or if they're actually trying to make those guys look like pussies. They know Jason's right. They do like the full on like, Oh God, he's got to get this before.

And then they kind of do the evil dead camera where like something from the woods is charging towards the cabin and there's nothing that evil dead that Evil Dead camera so much. That appears in so many episodes is just the Sam Raimi Evil Cam. It's like one of their few tricks and they just do it over and over and over again. So they do it here for nothing.

It turns out like, it's not the uncle running up to charge them. It's not even like an evil wind, like it is an Evil Dead. It's just nothing at all. And so he gets inside and they pull the retractable stairs up after them, find some mattresses and some old quilts and there's like a window out to the driveway and they decide like, okay, we're going to post up here and just make our last stand. And like, we're certainly going to die up here, but we're going to take him with us.

And if our friend's new wife's uncle shows up, we will kill him with his hacks. In his own home, where his mother recently passed. That's the plan. That's the plan. So now what's it time for? Time to get fucking drunk. That's what they do next. They literally in their story, they pull out a

bottle. He's like, we pull out a bottle of liquor we have between us and start drinking and talking about old times. There's a tone here I loved where they're talking about how like, oh, this Robb the sucker got married this idiot. Not like us cool guys. Just mysterious uncles. Because literally no one on earth would give us a dollar not to freeze to death. This whole time, by the way, I thought the story took place in like 1989, because there's no cell phones in the story. And then at one point, at a few minutes from now, guys going to pull out his iPhone's like, ah, no,

no cell reception. It's like, oh, cell phones exist in this universe? Somebody could have texted the uncle and said, hey, I've got family in town. They've got no place to stay. Can they stay in the cabin tonight? Are you using it to hunt tonight? Is that a big deal? Or at least at the very least, hey,

if you find somebody in the cabin, don't kill them. Don't murder them because mommy told you to. Just anything at all. Anyway, they're posted up in their little death fortress and they hear the doorknob downstairs rattling and then opening as if, my God, the guy who lives here had come back to his home. Remember, these are home invaders at this point.

They've got an ax there in the attic and waiting to murder the man who lives here for no reason. And they are in a situation they can no longer talk their way out of. Like if they were just downstairs, like I said, just tell the story. But they're huddling with an axe in his attic, trying not to make a noise. To be clear, they are haunting someone else's house. Yes. That's a good way to put it.

There's an episode in season three that's just from the uncle's point of view. Yes. He's just a guy. Could never be explained. His grandmother's passed away. He's in a deep depression. He comes back. There's two strangers.

The whole house is dark. They make a point that they didn't turn on any lights because they're so scared of this guy. He comes into a totally dark house and just hears a sound up there and it's a couple of guys with a hatchet. Drunk as shit. I was there in my home having sex with a pile of clothes of course and then I heard a strange sound from upstairs. Sound like two real sad dudes getting drunk. The sound I could tell just by the sound, absolutely nobody would take them in.

A bit like Jesus, but only a bit. So the reenactment goes to show, they say like they hear chairs being dragged out, as if they were being sat upon. Yeah, I mean that's what you do when you get home. The reenactment goes downstairs to show us like ghosts, nothing, pulling out the chairs by themselves, dishes flying off the shelves, it's full poltergeist down there, and all they're saying is like, we heard stuff, we couldn't see it. Yeah, we heard a guy come home. We heard a guy come home is what happened in this story.

And most now most terrifying of all, they hear the phone downstairs begin to ring and ring and ring. James says, people don't let the phone ring that long unless it's really important. I decided to go down and answer the phone. He heard it ring 30 times before they finally went down there. And then he goes down, melting down in a panic, and then answers the phone, there's nobody there. And then he goes and looks and

it's not plugged into the wall. At which point he screams and runs back upstairs. I think you left out an important detail that he answered the phone with the axe, just in case like the collar was a puppet or a forest golem or something. It's like just in case the caller was a puppet or a forest golem or something. It's like, fucking Axie, you're made out of wood, caller. So it takes him like five minutes to tell this story where, let's check, he answered a phone.

He went downstairs and answered a phone. He decided like, I'm so terrified, there could be a mentally deranged serial killer down there or it could be a fucking poltergeist apparently But I really got to answer that phone. No you don't that's a crazy decision It took him so long building up so much tension to say this and then he runs back up the ladder and then his best friend Wessie turns him and says Well, dude, who was it when the only possible answer be, it's some guy who knows the uncle who you would not possibly know.

Yeah, it's the uncle's friend Travis calling to ask if he's at the cabin. Who would it be? It's not going to be for you. Is there room for two in the mommy nest? That sounds like a good time. A couple of bros in a mommy nest. That's all. But what matters is, because I can sense the listeners getting

frustrated because like, well, when are they going to get to the scary thing? The story is about to escalate. It's finally going to end. It's coming up. Yeah, because what's going to happen is they're going to shut themselves back up there again. They're going to close that ladder.

They're huddling up there with their tiny little hatchet. And then the phone starts ringing again. Sorry, Jason, you really scared me. I forgot that that happened. Oh, shit. This time, they don't go down to answer it. And they just let it ring. And it keeps ringing all night long.

It rings so long that James, in his witness testimony, says, I begin to count the rings. One, two, three, four. Now, if this were a Tim and Eric sketch, we would sit here and watch him count to a hundred or something. But no, we cut away to the reactment. And then back to James who says 97, 98, 99, 100. The implication being he sat there and witnessed testimony

and just counted slowly to 100 for his story. I loved it so much. I thought, what a great choice from everyone involved to just mention counting and then demonstrate it. And then cut away and then cut back. Fantastic storytelling. It's so much like earlier we're making fun of it. Like, oh, we don't need all these details.

Then here we are, he mentions counting and he counts to 100 very slowly. It's something that the world's greatest comedy writer wouldn't have like come up with. Then he decides, he says, at well over 100 rings, I decided to stop counting. No point after that. It's not to anything. And that listeners is the climax of this story. The first story in episode two of the show, the third best ghost story they had to kick off to rope in new viewers to the show, which by the way, got three seasons.

We cut to the next morning and they go down and somebody's at the door. They find that nothing has been disturbed downstairs. So all of the poltergeist activity was either nothing or the uncle briefly coming home and leaving. And they get this jump scare. There's somebody at the door. And it's like, yeah, it's Rob and his wife

there to pick him up. I think the whole thing becomes, there's somebody at the door and it's like, yeah, it's the, it's Rob and his wife there to pick them up. I think this, the whole thing becomes, it's obviously ridiculous, but it's so funny to me when I picture it from Rob's wife's point of view that like, this is this beautiful day for her and here's her, her husband's idiot dirt bag friends who show up and just make these drama queens make everything about them for like 12 hours straight. And here they pick them up from this fucking cabin and now they have to hear about this stupid ghost phone for the whole ride back. They're on their honeymoon.

Can we swing by and pick up my dirt bag friends before we start the honeymoon? Yes. Can we also swing by the courthouse for a divorce? James or Westy has sitting there in the dark listening to that phone ring. It was terror in the woods. And then it comes up and you know, it's like, oh, by the way, guys, that's not the name of the show we went with. So it's...

So he concludes it. Also, no, it was in a cabin. The premise of the show is like, there's even like a text crawl that opens it that's like, there are 700 million acres of dark forest and in this forest lurk terrible things. But this is a haunted cabin story. The woods just happens to be the environment. It is not the center of the story, which is the only premise of your show. In the first story of episode two, you found like, you don't have three woods stories? I would count this as woods, I think.

I liked that he, that they immediately asked him, did you call us last night? And they're like, nope. You're like, oh, okay. Okay, and that's the story as far as they're concerned. But the reenactment, it's like the reenactment is like, Jesus Christ, you guys, that really needs something else. And so it cuts over to the window where a spooky zombie grandma stares out gnashing

her teeth. Which, again, did not happen in their story. Their story ended at, I counted to 100, and then I stopped counting. But there's an epilogue here. I feel bad for laughing at this, because it comes up with text that says, in memory of Westie Erickson. He died. I looked this up.

This guy is absolutely dead. This is a real person. I'm not laughing. He died in 2017, age 34 months before this episode aired. So in between production and at airing, he passed away for it. Doesn't the obits don't say, because when I looked this up, I didn't look up this show, I looked up his obituary from that town and yeah, he actually did die. But I feel bad knowing that I feel bad for how hard I laughed in the moment because it absolutely plays like the story ended and they could tell from the reaction of the people

they're telling it to that this was nothing. And so they added on and he died. Yeah, and he died. He died from the curse of not answering the phone because it was the other guy. Because if you told this story at a party, the reaction you would get if it wasn't physical violence, it depends on the audience, would be,, well yeah, but the uncle, when did the, like no, no, he never showed up. It turned out he was utterly irrelevant to the story. I don't know why.

Wait, the only scary thing that happened didn't show up to your scary story? So it'd be like, yes, it was just a weird old phone that rang when it wasn't plugged in. I don't know how mechanically that would happen, but. Are you 100% sure you didn't accidentally unplug it when you went to check it because you're such a coward? Yeah, you had an axe? Like I would not have told this story to anybody.

Are you sure you didn't like freak out with the axe and cut the line? Because that's what I would assume by the way that you shrieked and ran back upstairs. I also I looked up Westy Erickson. Jason's right, he's a real guy. He really did die. They does have an obituary that there's a few posts around him. There's even like a sort of sub.

God, I don't wanna say fandom, but I found a lot of forum and Reddit posts that are like, is this show real? That guy actually died. So it accidentally, and I, well, I don't know how accidentally show real? That guy actually died. Accidentally, and I, well, I don't know how accidentally, I think they might've used his, his tragic young death to promote the show in their way. And it worked. It actually worked on some people. It's incredible. I think what made it such a perfect laugh is that it was the shot of him earlier

where he like lifted his head slowly to look into the camera. And it was that shot. And it was such a jump scare of, of like in memory of Westie Erickson, after the stupidest story you've ever heard, as if he died from the phone. It's, it's just so perfectly funny. And the fact that it's a real guy did not change that at all. I instantly knew that he really died from obviously unrelated causes and it did not affect how funny it was to me. It's fucking dark. I wrote down in my notes,

it's fucking dark how I'm sure all three of us laughed at this. Yes, we did. It's the timing of it. I don't know. You have to go see it. It's extremely funny. I just tried to explain it. I blew it. I did not explain it well. It does almost feel intentional. It feels like they knew. Like they knew that was coming up. All right. Let's do season two, episode two, the second story. This is called The Blue Ridge Encounters. The witness this time is named John. This is John's story. This takes place in Asheville, North Carolina off the Blue Ridge Parkway, a very famous piece of road. It's heavily wooded, so that makes it count as woods, even though it's mostly about the highway.

It's like how Mountain Monsters and the most recent Mountain Monsters, how they're like, well Bigfoot was here, he took off though. No, you can't see him. Let's get back to, they're like, here's, the woods are here. Let's not talk about them. I've got a story about the highway haunting. I see your point, because in the intro, they talk about the dark woods,

the 700 million acres of dark woods, but this is like well-traveled highway woods. Yeah, we basically never leave the highway, or if we do, nothing happens in the parts without the highway. So there's a place that he and his friends drink up there, and John describes it as a really cool place to hang around at night, which we did.

The friend that's named Dennis, and immediately we get the note that says, due to unseen, or unforeseen circumstances, Dennis was not able to participate in this program. He blew off the email. And I feel like they intentionally left that a little vague because like, hey, maybe it's because he was possessed.

You don't know. Could be a goat demon death. Or he was embarrassed. These people were not paid for any of this. I am very confident. Not very, certainly not very much. So the story is John and Dennis were driving around a bend and they noticed a creepy old pickup truck

parked in the woods where they saw a man walking back to his truck with a shovel in his hand. At this point, John describes him as an outdoorsy looking kind of guy. Sure. He's just a guy just burying a body who chose to emerge from the tree line right as the headlights of a passing car would land on him. Just a real smart way to bury a

body in the woods is what I'm saying. And they think nothing of it. I would think something of that. They head out to party with their friends on the mountain and only a few hours later are they driving back down when Dennis says, oh hey, this is the spot. Let's see if that guy's still there. Let's see if that murderer we caught burying a body is still hanging around. Like maybe he's camping here, he wants some company. John says the dome light at that moment flickered in his car, and then the reenactment shows the car exploding in lightning as both men scream. That's the second time the dome light did that. The dome light did it both ways.

So kind of a coincidence or a mothman, I don't know. I earlier used a term that I normally don't use in my everyday language. I don't approve of referring to men as pussies because they show cowardice or they don't live up to some societal standard of masculine courage or whatever. And I do, I normally would not talk like that. I can't think of another word to use because everybody in these stories, this is like, this show could have been called based on the limited

episodes I was made to watch something to the effect of pussy adventures. Because everyone just shrieks in terror at the tiniest little thing. So I kiss dome light kicks on and they scream like little girls. And I get that in the reenactment, they're trying to like play up the jump scare nature of it, just as in the reenactment they're trying to like play up the jump-scare nature of it just as in the reenactment that when they're if we were looking around a cabin and somebody said hey can you guys stay out here and and the a woman is leading us around in three different times she opened the door and just shrieked at what she saw I would think there was something wrong

with her like I wouldn't want to take her to the hospital. That's not a normal thing for a person to do, regardless of what's in there. And if you were directing a reenactment, you would probably stop and say, no, let's take that again. You're scared, but you're normal humans. You're not pussies. But also, if we were telling the story later, no matter how badly we acted in reality, when we were telling the story later, no matter how badly we acted in reality, when we

were telling the story to third parties, we would make ourselves sound tougher than that, right? Like we would not play up. I was like, oh yeah, I peed my pants when that dome light came on because I'm gonna be frank, if that's the sign of a car being haunted, like half the cars I owned in my 20s were all possessed because stuff like that happened all the time. Literally, my dome light is malfunctioning in my car, and it will come on at some point. And I don't think it's because I saw

a ghost burying another ghost. Like, I don't think that's why that's happening. I think it's probably like an electrical short. Like, if I called the car guys, I don't think they'd be like, oh, that's ghost burial Well, like this guy's instantly going to associate that Well every time we drive past a spot that dome light kicks on that would not even occur to me That would have to happen like 36 times before I would associate man. It always happens in that same spot

That would not be enough of an event for me to even in that same spot. That would not be enough of an event for me to even register. To be fair, this story goes on and it seems like he says it about 36 times. The dome light features prominently in this tale. It's mostly dome light stuff. I'll just spoil it for the listeners right now. It's mostly dome light. So two days later, they're driving by the spot again and the dome light goes off again. And John says, well, I went in and I shut the light off so it wouldn't come on even when I opened the door. And then the reenactment shows the actor playing John hacking into his dome light, splicing

wires. Like there's just a switch that does that. Yeah. He clips the whole wire with wire clippers. And then, ah, Oh God, he screams. His friend Dennis is there to say, hold on, it's another false jump scare in a story he's telling somebody else.

So it's a few months later, he and Dennis are driving up there again one night, and they stop at the exact same spot where they saw the guy just to have a smoke and reflect on that murder they saw one time, right where they saw him. And John looks out the window and he goes, hey, what does that look like to you?

And he says that Dennis without hesitation answered, a ghost girl with her head tilted and hair coming down. You can see eyes clear as day. Yeah, they're just looking at a ghost. If a dome light comes on, they freak the fuck out. But if it's like a ghost girl in the woods, you just kind of observe it. You just enjoy it.

Instantly without hesitation described in detail, like police sketch detail, the ghosts they happen to be seeing. It's incredible. So they take off, nothing comes of that really. They talk about how weird it was that they saw a ghost. I think we've lost the listeners here because like, no, no, no, no.

They saw a girl walking out of the woods they Like they approached her right? Like they like is she lost is she a hiker that's lost is she a meth addict is she? Is she drunk is she impaired is you know is she approaching them for help like is she asking for a ride? No, it does. The way Brockway told it, that's the end. They saw a girl, her hair's like tilted,

her head's tilted, her hair's hanging down. It's like, huh, all right, let's go. She's a girl from the ring, you guys get it. They do kind of explain how it's beyond, he says it's beyond comprehension, but it seems like it's within his comprehension. He's pitching stories. He's like, this is that girl that that guy buried

trying to tell us where she is. Like that comes out of his mouth. He's just like, yeah, I get, I know what this is. So anyway, we go home. Now they don't scream. They don't scream and flip out. They're just like, all right, let's get back to that party we were going to.

Let's head back off into these into this cursed highway. And they do. John has dropped Dennis off and he's driving back to his house late at night when his car dies again right at that spot. And John gets out to check. He gets out to check his car and he hears a snarl from the woods. He's all of a sudden his car turns back on and he takes off. And you won't believe this. the fucking light comes on again you guys oh my god you can't go from we saw a ghost girl to here's the real scare it's the dome light also at this point the the reenactment department decides to go ahead and add in a little cgi elder scrolls demon coming out of the woods. Not in his testimony at all, but it's like, guys, we've got to put something in here.

Last story, we got a phone ringing. In this story, we've got a dome light, then a Jeepers Creepers, then a ring girl, and now a full like goat man Sater monster. I just feel like they need to pick one, maybe two. This guy's fighting a whole squadron of demons and it just seems a bit much. Well he finally comes back and decides, you know what? There's only one course of action that makes sense here. I'm going to go to a payphone and make an anonymous call to the cops and say that a month ago at that spot on the highway, I saw a guy in a truck with a shovel.

Sure. Well, I think you're forgetting to mention, you ran into a few werewolves on the way too. No, that's later. That's after this part. They're gonna do this thing where it feels like they are improvising. It absolutely feels like they're telling the story

to a group of people. And as they realize their story is nothing, they keep adding things. So it's like, well, okay, I finally called the cops, did what we should have done that night, which is said, hey, there's a guy freaking buried somebody. It's middle of the night. This guy's out there with a shovel and a pickup truck. Do you want to go out there, that spot, see if there's a body?

It's a month later. Like the cops are not, you've given them nothing to work with here. So then another month is going to go by and he and his friend Dennis are going to go back to that spot again, which is now like their favorite spot. That's like their lover's lane or whatever. And what are they doing there? It's why it's one o'clock in the morning and they're just two bros hanging out in a cursed murder spot playing acoustic guitar for each other. There's a funny detail here where they hear giggling in the woods, a guy and a girl laughing, but it only giggles when they're playing the guitar and then they stop and then they can't hear it.

I just thought it's funny that like, I guess they're saying the local leprechauns like we're laughing at their how bad they were at the guitar is what this is what this story says to me. I don't know. Then they hear a snarl and they run to the car and flee in terror, which again, if you have ever spent any time in the woods, you just hear stuff in the woods, especially like the way voices and sound carries. It is routine. You will hear other campers and they're very far away, but that's just the way the sound carries in the woods. It is not weird to hear somebody laughing in the middle of the night in the woods, because

it's like, yeah, that's a couple of drunk kids over there. They're camping out over there by the creek. So they decide they have to get the fuck out of there. They jump in their car, they're driving down the mountain, and Dennis says, I gotta piss, man. So they pull into the only spot where you can piss right where they saw that ghost. The murder spot. They're sensing impending danger. And then he hears hooves. And he says, yeah, yeah, but like only two hooves. So I guess like a talented horse, I don't know what he's, what he's getting at here, other than like, just say your fucking goat man is chasing you. It is bad storytelling on like 36 different levels, because again, we're

fleeing, we went to that overlook, which is our hangout spot, we're playing guitar in the middle of the night. Fine. We hear laughing and some snarling. We run in terror because it's established that we are just absolute cowards, we're driving away. When you get to the haunted spot, You make the car die due to the weird electrical ghost stuff Instead you have Dennis say stop stop stop. I gotta pee. It's like no no no

You can wait till we get somewhere to safety We're being pursued by the ghost poltergeist, but in the store. It's like oh, no, okay, well, we've got to stop. It's such an emergency. Dennis has such a weak bladder. Because at that point, it's like, well, just pee in the car. We'll clean it out. We don't want to die to the ghosts. But no, no, no. In the story, he had to pee so bad, we had to stop not within like a mile of that spot, but exactly in that spot somehow. And it's just thrown out as a details like, well, now that just happened to be exactly where we saw that guy with the shovel on the truck. Maybe he was out there pissing on the unmoored drifters grave.

Then I heard not footsteps, but I could tell they were hooves, but I could tell it was not four hooves. It was specifically only two. All of us know that sound of two hooves walking toward us. And so finally looked in my side mirror and that's when I saw a giant with horse shoes on. With horse shoes on. The head looked like a goat.

This is an exact quote. The body like a big jacked up man. The reenactment went a different direction. He does not have the head of a goat. There's no way to depict horseshoes. You wouldn't actually be able to see horseshoes because they're nailed to the bottom of a fucking horse's foot.

You dumb shit. What the reenactment does, the reenactment recognizes, oh, these guys saw Jeepers Creepers. And they're telling us a very bad version of Jeepers Creepers, which is we saw what it looked like a crazy hillbilly in a big scary truck in the woods. He was maybe burying something. We shouldn't have seen that.

And then this thing hunted us. And it turned out to be like kind of this weird demon. And so the people filming the reenactment were like, I do know the guy that has the Jeepers Creepers mask, the very identifiable duster and the hat. So let's put the exact monster from Jeepers Creepers. And you know what? Let's give them electrical powers. Yeah, because I think at this point, the listeners are saying,

well, yeah, but you guys need to, like, how did this all tie together? Like the car, the dome together? Like, the car, the dome light coming on in the car, the ghost girl, the guy, the murderer, and the goat monster on who's... What does all of that have to do with each other? Like, what are all of those things? How's it all tied together? Oh, no, this is the end of the story. Yeah, that's it. He saw every ghost to the end. I just want to... The reenactment shows us...

It flashes back to the face of the guy that they saw next to the truck bearing the... Bearing the apparent woman. And it's the same mask. Like, you could see the mouth and everything. And he's like, he's an evil demon guy in that mask. So the reenactment at least thinks that's the same creature. And what John described to him as at the time, he said, he looked like an outdoorsy type.

And I guess that could have meant giant demonic goat man. But I feel like I'd be more specific. Some of you may think that we left out the conclusion of the call to the cops. Like, OK, well, he he told the cops and then found out he read in the paper that the cops found a girl buried nearby and that that and I've always wondered like no no no there's there's none of that there's no as far as we know the cops did nothing with that call because of course they would that call is nothing I was driving along the highway a month ago and I saw a pickup truck and a guy with a shovel.

We don't know what kind of truck to look for. We don't know where to look for a body. We don't know if that was anything. We don't know the guy wouldn't leave his name, wouldn't follow up with them. It was anonymous call. It's like, yeah, that was nothing that did not need to be included in the story at all. Unless he was a giant goat man. I mean, I, I'm never going to find that.

Oh, he was a giant. I know, I know Gary, the giant goat man. We'll go talk to him. I think what's frustrating is that like, here's this guy, and every time he goes to this spot, he sees he said the Jeepers Creepers guy, he said the girl from the ring and he saw the Elder Scrolls monster. You could just kind of go out there with the camera and, and be a hero for recording all of this amazing stuff or take the cops out there and like fight a real demon but I don't know he's just like yeah there's a there's a section out in the woods there that is filled with monsters like monsters you can see that chase you anyway bye I know the exact mile marker where they're at yeah thousands of people drive by it every day the goat man has electric powers holy shit I'm gonna I want to go see that.

He's jacked. He's so ripped, guys. Why did he have lightning powers? He didn't say the Goatman had lightning powers, but in the reenactment they show him like crackling with lightning as he slow motion chases the car. Like, he's raiding? It's a goat raiding? This is such a weird show. It's such a weird show. Because the thing is, do either of you guys have, not to take the podcast in a totally different direction, do either of you guys have a ghost story? Have you seen anything in real life that you tell at like wild camping that you've seen

a monster ghost cryptid anything? No. Not really. Okay. But it has been my experience that if you get a group of people together at a party or at work and you ask a roomful of people, has anybody here seen a ghost? You will get at least one story that is the creepiest freaking thing you've heard in your

entire life. If you know somebody who's a trucker, like a truck driver, they've got the freakiest stories due to, I guess, a combination of highway hypnosis and sleep deprivation and drugs. But they've all seen the freakiest thing you've ever heard of. I asked somebody on Twitter, I think I just did a thread asking people, what's the weirdest thing you've ever seen? And one guy's answer was, one time I was carrying laundry down to my basement at night, because that's where my washer and dryer are. And I look and my dead grandma

leans out from behind my hot water heater, winks at me, and then leans back and is gone. And I saw it plain as day. Jesus. It was like, I did not go in my basement for like a month after that. Just any group of people, somebody in there's got the freakiest story you've heard in your entire life. It is not hard to come up with ghost stories that are legitimately, that are not just nothing. Man, Greenlit, three seasons of this utility shed is haunted. Terror in the basement. Hot water heater grandma. She's the next Jeepers Creepers. All right. Well, let's call that the podcast.

Wait, wait. I forgot about the Punsteria puns. God damn it. That reminds me of these 10 AI puns from Punsteria.com about memory. Pun number one. I thought I forgot my password, but it was just doing an encore. So memorable. Somehow that was it. That was the pun. If passport was just doing an encore. So memorable! Somehow that was it. That was the pun. Passport was just doing an encore?

I thought I forgot my password, but it was just doing an encore, comma, so memorable. Pun number two. I told a memory pun to my friend, but they didn't remember it. It was quite a brain fog. I feel like this thing's getting worse because I listened to your show and I remember months ago that it was still, it wasn't making good puns, but they had the format of puns. These are just becoming strings of, of language. I guess that's how AI models work.

They just start to poison themselves over time. This one, what happened? You will, you will see, okay, this one's like a little mystery. You're gonna figure out exactly what happened to this one as we go through this list of puns, because it gets very obvious. Okay. But number three, I have a photographic memory,

but it's always out of focus when it comes to making puns. That's really self-aware and really reflective. Number four, I lost all my memory, but I still have plenty of ram puns. That's really self-aware and really reflective. Number four, I lost all my memory, but I still have plenty of ram puns. Hold on, puns shouldn't have the word pun in the pun. Yeah, you're figuring it out. Number five, my memory is so bad it forgets to make puns. It just leaves them hanging.

Pfft. Did you accidentally type the word pun in the prompt box? It somehow, I don't think anybody's typing these to make them do it. I think they feed it like look for search results, people searching for whatever. And then if it's if it exceeds the threshold, make a bunch of puns about it. I think somehow it got the word pun into its prompt. And so now its prompt is, make puns about phrase memory puns. Only that's way too hard and it's way too specific. So it winds up doing this.

Number six, my memory is like a broken hard drive full of bad sectors and inaccessible puns. That's robots are fucking broken. I can't do this. I can't do this is what all of the puns say. Pun number seven, I have a cache of memory puns but they're always stored somewhere in the back of my mind. That's just a robot saying, I can't do this.

Pun number eight, I once had amnesia and forgot how to walk. It was a step back in memory pun making. Jesus Christ. Pun number nine, to improve my memory, I started taking memory punning classes. Now it's a mnemonic art. And just think the next generation of AI will have read this and will be trying to make puns about memory puns, puns. Pun number 10.

Last one. I tried to remember all the puns about memories, but it's like they're stored in brief-atory. Wow. What? I just love how all of, all of the smartest tech people in the world agree on two things. One, we will create an actual artificial superintelligence within the next 10 years. And also it will be insane. We will, we promise you, we will create an insane Cthulhu. Einstein 100d Frankfurt! Einstein, know you knew it!

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