The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 229, Kindergarten Ninja with Jamie Kelly

Episode Date: May 28, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back me, the resident clod. It's quiz time! What movie is made up of equal parts Kindergarten Cop, Cool As Ice, No Retreat No Surrender, Down To Earth, Only the Strong, Duets, Rush Hour, Rocky IV, Almost an Angel, starring an athletic alcoholic sex pest and funded by the D.A.R.E.program? If you answered, Seanbaby's 2003 mail order classic. "Hunk Along Chastity 3, Clap Slab's Revenge" - partial credit! The answer we were actually looking for is 1994's Kindergarten Ninja. Staring no one and featuring nothing... unless you're into montages of montages of ninja flavored slap fights. You are? Send a self addressed stamped envelope to- Oh. The ninja one. Yeah, just hit the play button.

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 Hot Dog America's last comedy website. I'm the legally non-prosecutable ghost of Bruce Lee, Robert Brockway, and with me is the extremely prosecutable ghost of Elvis Presley, it's Sean, baby. I deserve it. Put me in jail, your honor.

And our guest, the original anti-TERF ninja, Jamie Kelly! Ah, that's me. I'm back, you lucky dogs. And for this movie, for this movie, I got you back. You sons of bitches. I couldn't... See, I didn't understand. You said you didn't like this movie in the emails, but this movie plainly rules. All right. Well, we'll leave it to the audience to decide. Here's a spoiler. It doesn't.

I don't get the gag. I don't get the gag, guys. Oh, we're gonna fight about this one. All right. Before we get into it, let's do our plugs. Where can people find more from you, Jamie? I got a bunch of things I'm working on, but everything's still in the oven.

So no time to waste on that. Let's just for now on this episode, just everybody find me at Blue Sky. Jamie Kelly XXX, 18 plus, if you please. And you can find everything that I'm up to there. Sweet. More than you're expecting if you don't know what XXX means. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'll go next. I have a new book coming out. Things are actually moving now. I know I've been doing a bit for a little while. It's coming out really soon though, by publishing standards.

So like the final manuscript on my book is locked. We got the cover. We're about to do a cover reveal. We've got advanced reader copies are about to go out soon. You can actually order it. You can order it right now. And I am still not promoting it. What's it called? When's it coming out? Where can you order it? Good questions. Choke on them. Choke on them and die. In my contract, there's a window where I have to promote my book and we are not in it. It's close. It's real close. But I think it's going to be funny

to see what a legal notice telling me that I have to talk about my book looks like. I think that's a really funny piece of paper and I'm going to frame it. Sean, how about you? What do you like to plug? Like you, there is something that I should be promoting, but I'm just not gonna, so fuck it. You know what? Let's just do it. Let's move on. All right, today we're talking about kindergarten ninja. It is a 1994 anti-drug karate movie.

Definitely pro karate. It's pro karate. It might be a movie. It might be, maybe none of those things are true. It was a four years too late attempt to cash in on kindergarten cop using the star power of a celebrity, a football celebrity. Okay, okay. I want to stop you right there because this guy is, I'm not a big football fan, but this is Dwight Clark from The Catch.

So if you put The Catch into the internet, it knows what you mean. Like any person over a certain age can tell you about this. This was San Francisco 49ers versus Dallas Cowboys and Joe Montana is running to the sideline like in fear for his life. The entire defensive line is in midair about to jump on him. He is seconds from death,

and he throws the football and it's the only people who thought he was throwing at anything where Joe Montana and Dwight Clark, and then it's just going to nothing. He's just thrown it away so he doesn't die. And then from nowhere, Dwight Clark comes by at maximum horizontal and vertical speed and just catches it from out of nowhere, and every single person in the entire stadium loses their mind. So the second this dude pulls up in the car, I'm like,

holy shit, what is Dwight Clarke doing in this movie as karate kindergarten maniac? Like, what? What? If you're having trouble picturing Dwight Clarke, you might also know him from... Nothing. This was his only role. So I'm saying- Like at first I thought it was Joe Namath. He just looks like a 70s, 80s football guy.

Yeah, he's obviously a football guy. He moves with a lot of reserved pain of a middle-aged football guy. It looks like he hurts just to get around kind of guy. It is the weirdest choice of casting because he is clearly a world-class athlete in a lot of pain who has done a lot of karate but has no idea how to make it look cool for a movie.

But then he'll hit the bag and you're like, okay, now this guy could fuck somebody up. And they're like, okay, make it look like you're fucking somebody up and then he looks like a dumb asshole. And that's the whole movie. I just think it's amazing that like, I mean, like you said, I don't know anything about football, but when I typed the catch into Google, it was like, oh yeah, here it is. Here you go.

It was a huge deal. It was an absolutely huge deal. He was like one of the biggest celebrities in the world at the time. And that time was the early 1980s, 1981, I think the game was. And that time was the early 1980s, 1981, I think the game was. And this is 1994. And he did nothing with all of that. Like you look at, I don't know, look at Bosworth, look at OJ Simpson or something. Like it was still an era. It was definitely still an era where like, oh, the people know you from football, we're going to put you in something. And he did nothing.

I love the idea of him and Bosworth and like Howie Long meeting up, talking about football, and then also talking about their movie careers. And so, Dwight Clark's together, and you guys see Kindergarten Ninja? Like that is the funniest like little brother move for that conversation. It is so weird to do one thing and have it be this thing.

Like it wouldn't be that weird if he didn't do it at all. If he was just like, no, dude, I play football. You're like, hey, I respect that. That's cool. But to do one thing and it's kindergarten ninja, nothing before to capitalize on your megastardom, nothing after, because I guess you weren't desperate. Just this?

Just this. Did you look it up? Like, I assumed that the director and the blind guy were his karate teachers, and they just like said, we gotta make a movie. There's not much story behind it, because nobody knows this exists, rightfully so. I'm assuming the actual story, the behind the scenes story of this production is,

hey, you guys, I just found out about this Dare producer program thing, we can steal from that. Yeah. Yeah, they could have just wanted to meet Dwight Clark. They're like, let's make a karate movie with Dwight Clark. I'm like, what? That's a great idea. And we could just use this dare money to do that.

Fuck yes. Like, that's a that's a scheme I would 100% be a part of. Like the credits, the credits extensively thank the 49ers for their cooperation. But as far as I can find, they did not cooperate. They were not allowed to use the name of the 49ers at any point They called his football team the gold rush. So like wink wink. It's the 49ers. You can't show anything You can't say our names the talent scout is in this the 49ers talent scout is in this movie that guy in the Canadian Tuxedo That's the the 49ers like recruitment officer The cop? Sergeant Denim?

Sergeant Denim, yeah. Sergeant Levi's Denim, that's what I have in my notes. Yeah, he wears a lot of denim. He looks good in it, but he wears a lot of denim. It's weird. The director and the blind guy did go off and make a kids karate show with Ronnie lot who was another San Francisco 49ers they did put one little Easter egg in there

Somewhere and I just I got this from the IMDB Apparently his Jersey this number. Well, he was 87. Is that right? Maybe sure. We'll just say yes Apparently that's in the background somewhere. He found a way to stick that in. Okay, for the super fans. I think because he owned that, I guess, or maybe just like, maybe it's like me with my book promotion, he's just seeing what he can get away with before he gets sued. There is a very clear line where they're like,

you don't fucking say our name. You keep the 49 years name out of your goddamn mouth. You hear me? With this kindergarten ninja shit. I think the title of this movie is really good because kindergarten ninja, it's something that like a really ordinary dad would say if like their five-year-old age shit, like you just idly say, oh, kindergarten ninja,

if like some kid fell down. But like, to make that big a choice to call your movie kindergarten ninja, it just elevates it somehow. Like it's not just stupid, it's a celebration of stupid. Like my point is artistic intent is so transformative. And that's what we'll be discussing today when we discuss the kindergarten ninja. Well, one of us will be.

One of us will be making that argument. You can figure out who it is. Let's get into the actual movie. So the actual movie, it starts with an introduction from I think Sergeant Robert McGinnis, no, he's Chief Robert McGinnis of the San Leandro Police Department where this is filmed. And he tells us it was produced using the D.A.R.E. program

theme and presumably also like funds that come with that. Because like there were anti-drug media funds kind of floating around for you to grab, and that's why we have so many anti-drug, terrible, terrible movies from this era. I know you're gonna agree with me immediately when I say this. This has the tone of a sex scandal apology, doesn't it?

Like, he comes on and he's almost apologizing for the film you're about to see. It doesn't help that he's nervously reading off of cue cards like he's constantly Looking he's got a real weird vibe I think probably he knew like he knew that they had just stolen money from the dare program Like okay, you guys just wanted to fuck around and make a movie and now like the dare program if I want to give my Department wants to keep getting those funds. I have to come out here and endorse what you've done. Like, I don't know you're, you're mocking me. Right. I gotta say though, do you think a single soul was saved from the dare program? Like,

like when dare came to your school, that was like, all you did was clown on it with your friends. Yeah. And then do drugs. Like am I, I'm not alone in that, right? No. Right. Okay, good. We all had the right? No, right? Okay. Good But we all had the t-shirt right we all were in the air program Yeah, there's never been an unironic wearing of that t-shirt. Mm-hmm

Like you'd wear dare because it's a funny thing to smoke weed in. Yes At the very least it's it's fun to start at weed because that's the gateway drug Yeah, it's hilarious to just get blasted on meth in a dare shirt. You got to shoot up in that dare shirt. That's the funniest part. To just throw your life away to heroin in a dare shirt is the ultimate punchline. The dare shirt is how you knew which one in the band was the bass player. That was me.

Also, also a good flag to spot. Yeah, that wasn't a real thing. I don't think, I think, I think basically the dare program was like somebody, the government allocated a ton of funds to this. And then everybody found out like the guy running it was just an asshole that they could take advantage of. So I think that the whole program, everybody was just

really winging it. Everybody was just getting free money. Yeah, I don't think there was a lot of science or good intent. They're not like, oh, let's get kids off drugs. Let's get Mr. Rogers or someone who really cares to like, you know, innovate in this field or let's study the effects of drug education

on children and blah, blah, blah. No, nothing. They're just like, fuck it. Let's go to the school with our cops. One time at my junior high, DARE program came in with a bunch of like teenagers doing hacky sack tricks. Okay.

And that was like the anti-drug program. Yeah. And I'm like, they tried to say they had the audacity at the end of this program to say, and like if we did drugs, we couldn't do all these cool hacky sack tricks. And then you would go directly outside the gymnasium to find all of the kids doing all of the drugs

and doing hacky sack tricks. Like it's interesting. Combined all their hobbies, yeah. And when I was in high school, I was in a drug free club because there was a lot of girls in that club. I really wasn't too enthusiastic about not doing drugs. But they would, the DARE program.R.E. program would have us do like sketches for the grade schools and middle schools.

And like, there was no oversight. We just fucking did whatever we wanted. And they were insane, like, Sarah Aunt Live spoof type shit. And everybody hated doing it. We were all very, very embarrassed. The kids were like, what in the fuck is happening? And then we'd go home and I'm sure those kids

did extra drugs because of me and my strange decisions. That was me. I was a few years behind you. That was me. I remember seeing you and I was like, I'm gonna do so many fucking drugs to spike that guy. So he introduces the movie and also introducing the movie

is a production company card that says Pegasus Films in cooperation with America's Best Karate Incorporated. Fuck yeah. The best company name I've ever heard. It's so good. As near as I can tell, it's the production card of just a San Francisco, I think, dojo at the time. It was just somebody, I'm assuming dojo at the time. So it was just it was just somebody I'm assuming.

I'm assuming Dwight's karate teacher, I'm assuming the director of this movie was just like, yeah, my my dojo can have a production card. Why the fuck not? And he was right. So this is this movie's about Blade Steel is the name. He's the star wide receiver of the of the San Leandro Gold Rush. They're not even allowed to say San Francisco, it's gotta take place nearby. Real first draft names, both of those.

Blade, Steel. Well, I think as we'll see as we go through this movie, there's a lot of like meta irony where they also kind of think they're too good for this movie. But they're absolutely not. I think- Absolutely not. I don't think I'd wanna meet someone

who wasn't too good for this movie. He is the owner of one of the greatest football highlights of all time. He's too good for this movie. These karate teachers, maybe you're right, maybe the karate teachers deserve it and more. I will let the media be the evidence as we go through it. Again, this movie's good, right?

You guys were kidding earlier when you said it was bad. No. Blade Steel is just like fucking his way through all of San Francisco. That's the montage is just woman after woman. Okay, montage. I hate to interrupt. Montage is too strong a word.

He is sitting at a cafe table, and women are like sitting down with him and then leaving and then taking turns doing that. I think they originally intended to film this as a montage and they said, fuck it, we can do all of this in camera. Just you get out of here and then you come sit down. It's like, it's miles from a joke, it's miles from an idea. It's like, if you panned over and saw like a bunch

of ladies in line and the sign said, like let an NFL star tell you as a boner and then you leave. Like that's the start of a gag. Like you're like, okay, that's almost a scary movie joke. But like, this is nothing. This is like no human has interacted like that except in some sort of a speed dating situation. But that's not what this is.

No, it's supposed to be a montage. I can just, I went along with the illusion and that, you're right, that was wrong of me. You should call me out on that. Don't be generous to this movie. Such a masterfully crafted movie like this, they don't want you to like give them any slack. They do practice.

They do practice the montage. I would argue way too fucking much. Yeah. Most of this movie is montage from this point forward. That's true. Another favorite joke is he really likes French fries. I guess that's like, you're supposed to give your character one trait this trait is absolutely enjoys french fries Trax loves to make cookies. Yeah, Dwight Clark or blade steel. That's his roofie loves french fries and they're his roofies

That's right. Yeah, he knows if he gets enough french fries in you you'll get a little groggy If a woman says that she likes french fry, he's in yeah, he's fucking in yeah, he tries to give he constantly trying to get women says that she likes french fries, he's in. Yeah. He's fucking in. Yeah, he tries to give, he's constantly trying to get women to eat his french fries, which are like, that's pretty dark, I guess. Just make them logy enough, though. I get them into bed. Just carb deathed out. You can't you can't consent when you've got carb death.

I'll just wear him down with fries. So he's driving around, he's got an open container and he gets pulled over by an actual officer being paid with actual dare funds. I love the way it cuts through the officer because I immediately thought, oh, it's Reno 911 because it's a Reno 911 shot. And it wasn't Dangle and I was disappointed Yeah, it could have been doing some new boot goofing, but no, there's doing a full like cops parody I loved this because he's still holding his beer. Like he's so cool He doesn't even know the cop isn't there to party like he's when the cops says hey, give me that beer He's like, yeah fuck. I'll get you a beer bro. Like he thought they were they were just raging He that's how cool this guy is.

He thought they were gonna rage together. Hey, bro, I think I have some fries back here, too. Yeah, you want some fries? Let's go find you a babe. And then there's a jarring reggae smash cut, like just reggae music players in. It smash cuts to, I guess, Dwight's wrists, or sorry, Blade Steel's wrists, and the handcuffs in slow motion like they're falling in love, took me so long to figure out what is this trying to say? And it's just trying to say he was under arrest, but it's the weirdest goddamn way I've ever seen somebody try to do that.

Yeah. It's so strange. I agree 100%. In court, Blade Steel tries to bribe the judge, but this judge also does not party. He doesn't, nobody knows how to party. I like how he goes up, like he doesn't ask to approach the bench,

or maybe he does, but he like walks right up to the judge's ear and gets right in the ear and he's like, come on, bro, come on, fucking, fuck all this, let's go fucking party, bro. The judge somehow turns it down. However, I will give this movie credit for realism, because what the judge sentences him to is 90 days of community service, working with children

in the capacity of his choice. But it also says, there's a little voiceover says, it's gonna take more than 90 days to rehabilitate this criminal, it's gonna take a miracle. So, but the judge says that. Right. So why only 90 days? That's just good filmmaking.

Yeah, you're the guy in charge of that. Right. What is it, two months? Three months? They try to set this up like he's the worst person the judge has ever met, but he's fucking wrong. Like maybe he's drunk all the time and he fucks too much, but they caught him in like the only contexts where those things don't kick ass. Like the girl he was with was the time and he fucks too much, but they caught him in like the only contexts

where those things don't kick ass. Like the girl he was with was too young and he was driving. So yeah, maybe that's the one situation where you're not supposed to be drunk and fucking. But like 80% of the day, this guy's awesome. So the only criticism I have is that he's not a great example for kids. So for him to sentence him to 90 days of teaching children,

after saying 90 days will never rehabilitate this man, I feel like it's an aggressively wrong choice. I didn't think this was the podcast that was gonna get you canceled. I didn't think that's the one where I got you. I've been trying to get you. I'm surprised as anybody that this is the one. I just came out against drunk driving and underage dating.

Did you? Did you? Yes. I think. We you? Did you? Yes. I think. We'll let the record show on that one. Is this that wheelchair blood thing where I think I say one thing, but it turns out I said something super weird?

It might be. It might be. So my notes here say smash cut to heaven. That can't be. Hold on. That's what mine say? This is fucking crazy. All right. All right. Well, we're in heaven now in this movie, which is a direction I did

not think it would go. And a parade of, I guess, famous figures come by, starting with Charlie Chaplin. Maybe Chil Hitler? It could be Chil Hitler. The next one is Kim Jong-il? It has to be. Who else is that supposed to be? I don't know. I was like looking up, cause I thought maybe it's Gaddafi. I'm like, is there a dictator that wore this like linen pantsuit? Like I seriously do not know who the fuck

this is supposed to be. We're supposed to recognize him though. And he comes up and he says something that accidently recognized, but definitely like clocked the racism. He's like, oh, very, very good. I'm like, what was that dude? The fuck was, who was that supposed to be?

If you know at home, someone who wears a linen pantsuit could be any ethnicity who with a catchphrase, very, very good in an accent that could be anything. Sound off in the comments. Yeah, they expected us like that's shorthand. Their shorthand is Charlie Chaplin, Elvis Presley, that guy, whatever that guy was. They were putting him right up there,

right up there with Charlie Chaplin, Elvis Presley. George Washington. Apparently George Washington. Could have been John Adams, could have been a John Adams. Sally Harry, it could have been anybody. Oh yeah, that could be. They're acting like they're not legally allowed to say the names of the historical figures,

which I guess maybe Elvis Presley, probably not Charlie Chow, that's probably public domain, definitely one of the founding fathers. You could just say the name. Sure. I get why they're not allowed to say Bruce Lee, because they only ever call him Bruce,

and then in a very suspicious way where they're clearly about to say something else, like they go, Bruce? Yeah, that feels like a joke that maybe they didn't bake all the way. Elvis, I thought, was another gag that they didn't quite finish because he doesn't come up and do an Elvis impersonation. He comes up and he's like, oh, hi, good morning, Bruce. And like a totally normal voice with no dance, it's just so quarter-ass.

Like why get all dressed up if that's all you're going to bring? Fuck you, whatever cops agreed to put on full costumes and then refused to even perform a little bit of Elvis. I either, okay, here's the thing. Either tell your boss you're not gonna do it or you do it. Fucking made a fool of yourself, you cowards. If I was from Uvalde, Texas,

I'd still say this is the most cowardly performance I've seen from cops. I can't cancel me for that. Cops. What? Sure, no problem. So they all meet their teacher who is apparently, hard implication Bruce Lee. And if you're wondering which of the many Bruceploitation Bruce Lee lookalikes they got for this role, it's no.

The answer is no to that. Dwight's karate coach. They got the director of this movie, Anthony Chan. He is surprisingly enough an Asian man. I'll give them the new one Asian man, and it was the director. And he was willing to act as Bruce Lee, but did not look anything like him, so they could not film him. As far as we know, because they only show him from the mouth down.

Yeah, they will only show him from the mouth down. And they like lampshade that a lot. They're like, boy, it would be crazy if we could see all of Bruce's head. Like they don't know how to make it into a joke, but they know they need to talk about it. Yeah, that's all of the irony that they do in this movie is they understand that it sucks

and they're kind of sorry about it. And they wanna be like on your side, like, that's fucking stupid, right? Like you just don't do it. You're the guy in charge. You're the director. Don't do the Bruce face joke if you don't have it. Don't just say, what a stupid thing I've just done.

It's an incredible thing. Okay, so there's another gag up here where God's playing tennis and he has a bad backhand. So he wishes, I'm sure you have this in your notes, he wishes Jimmy Connors was here. And then two angels are like, oh, cool. And they rush off to kill Jimmy Connors. To kill him. And they're so grumpy when God's like, no, it's not time yet. They're like, oh, fuck, I love killing. I wish I was killing right now. So here's the problem I have with this scene. A lot, obviously, it's weird to come here in the first place, but it raises this question of like, why would God do that? Like, isn't this paradise? Wouldn't Jimmy Connors enjoy heaven? For what purpose is the material plane if not to learn?

And here is a man who has learned more about tennis than the Lord God Almighty. So I'm sorry, Kindergarten Ninja, but you fucking opened a can of worms you can't close. We have to call into question the entire philosophy of like Christian afterlife, thanks to this fucking Jimmy Connors joke. So God tells Bruce Lee he's on the fast track to becoming an angel, but he must first perform a miracle.

And that miracle is helping a kind of shitty white dude become a slightly better white dude. That's right, it's Bladesteel. He has to help with Bladesteel's joke of a sentence with his 90 days of community service working with children. He has to get help from God. Low stakes, he's gonna turn this pussy crushing football star into a square, I don't want this to win.

I'm rooting for the ghost of Bruce Lee to fail, is my point. I think for the guests, or I'm sorry, I'm the guest. Sorry, I cut that. For the listeners to kind of visualize God, we're talking about a Timu Christopher guest, all waiting for Guffman. Yeah. With almost the same voice. So that's the guy that's given orders.

He's a local police captain in a robe for sure. It's probably his real hair, but it's styled in such a way that it looks like it's glued onto him. If I have some notes for the local police captain. You got him. Freaking shitty-haired God. police captain. You got him. Shitty haired God. So God calls Bruce Lee in to show him a video of Blade Steel picking up on a babe.

He's trying to force feed her those roofie french fries, classic, classic Blade Steel. And then Bruce appears in the video he's being shown while watching the video. And then he watches himself ask Blade if he can use his body on a task from God. Also my favorite pickup line, but then we're just in through the video?

It's utter madness. Yeah, they do not know the fucking rules of the universe they've created. No. Did he teleport? Does he teleport in through the video? Are we watching like a, are we watching like a theoretical scenario?

I have no idea what reality is anymore. He's a ghost that only BladeSteel can see, kind of, but he also wants permission to steer his body. When he says no, cause then a fight breaks out because there's some thugs messing with his car and he starts beating them up, but they know Kung Fu. So they just beat the shit out of him. But then, like, I actually liked this because they grab him and just take turns jump kicking him.

The local gang is just all doing fucking spinning taekwondo kicks on him. It rules so hard. And then Bruce Lee talks him through the fight, like, hey, no, do this cool move. And it is like the most church youth group of Kung Fu movie through the fight, like, hey, no, do this cool move. And it is like the most church youth group of kung fu movie jokes. He's like, do the hasta la vista, baby. Like he's doing catchphrases from just random movies. Yeah.

Well, the first move he tells him to do is Monkey Steals the Peach, which is the testicle grab. The ball grab, yeah. Only Dwight was not comfortable with this. So he flat hands somewhat near their groins, and he trusts on just like, movie magic will make this look good. It does not. Those NFL instincts, they're fucking sharp.

He like just knew in his gut not to grab this young man's penis on camera. That's a penalty. I know that's a penalty. But it's just not his flavor of sexual assault. That's all. We just gotta get them fries in. Get them fries in, baby. I did not Google his sex scandals.

So I don't know if that's it. They were all contained in this movie. I just wanna be perfectly clear. I did go Google, see if I could find any sex scandals, anything to just dunk on this guy with. He seems like he was a really good dude. Yeah. Just all the way around. Go ahead. That's nice, that's good news.

He did have one sex scandal, and it was somebody was reviewing his restaurant, we'll get to the restaurant, we'll get to the restaurant later. Somebody was reviewing his restaurant, and there was like a little sexual harassment going on. I was like, oh, that's too bad. And then I looked and it was the reviewer

sexually harassing him. Those are some good fries. It was a female reviewer and she was like, oh, that's too bad. And then I looked and it was the, it was the reviewer sexually harassing him. Those are some good fries. It was a female reviewer and she was like, God, his, she like derailed the review to be like, God, his tight ass and those pants was just, ugh. Like everybody wrote the magazine to be like, what the fuck is that? Tell me about like the check-in, don't do that.

It was great, He's a good dude By all means or really good at hiding it. I don't know. It seems a good spirit for doing this movie period Like he's not bringing it at all, but he's having fun. Like he has a nice energy in this movie I'm telling you the movie's good. You guys are crazy so After the fight we're back in we're back in blade Steels apartment and Bruce Lee tells this huge entitled dipshit that God wants Bruce Lee to help with Blade's community service. Once again, those are the stakes of this movie.

He needs help with the softball fucking sentence that a celebrity gets for drunk driving. There's a lot of parts that the director is pulling from other works of art. So right now what we're doing here, we got a ghost of parts that the director is pulling from other works of art. So right now what we're doing here, we got a ghost of Bruce Lee. So we're doing a no retreat, no surrender. We're also doing a down to earth where an angel has to come down and help someone improve their life.

We're also obviously doing a kindergarten cop with a lot of elements of just regular cops. I just really like that about this, that you can tell this is somebody's Star Wars. No, it's not. It's somebody's. It's absolutely not. I'm not saying it's like a talented man's Star Wars, but it is somebody's Star Wars. It's maybe Anthony Chan's Star Wars. That's it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. And he fucking sucks. Like let's. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. And he fucking sucks. Like, let's. Yeah, he does. So BladeSteel shows up to his community service at school and he has to choose the class he wants to help with. And he says, children's sports. Hmm. And apparently that fulfills the

contract like it's one with the devil. Because the lady is just like the lady says, oh, children's sports. And literally as though he has made a contract with a supernatural force, he is lifted off of his feet and hurled backward out the door while screaming, no, no, I wanted girls P.E. Yeah, I didn't quite catch the exact wording,

but I did know this was a sex crime-y. Yeah. Yeah. It felt really gross. Yeah, he was given a sex crime-y. Yeah. It felt really gross. Yeah, he was given a choice between girls PE and children's sports. And he said children's sports out loud. And then he was sucked back. The covenant is fulfilled.

Yes. And then he's just blasted, he's blasted out of the scene. It's not like the power of God interacts with him again. And it's never announced that that's what happened. So again, an extremely bizarre moment. Yeah. He shows up. We're doing a dangerous mind thing. He shows up to his class

and doing that scene where everything's all chaotic, everyone's screaming. Only it's clear that the director just paired the children off, like we gave them the buddy system and then said, beat the shit out of each other. Cause it's just pairs of two. It's like 32 kids paired off in pairs of two,

just smacking the hell out of each other. It's not how you do group chaos. It's an organized child kumite, is what he's walked in on. Yeah, no notes, great scene. The lady teacher walks in and he's like, oh, well lady, like just forgets about the kids instantly to get in their pants. I'm like this.

Tries to get her those fries. Ask her if she wants some of his fries. He fails to impress her with the entire contents of his wallet. He pulls out every fucking thing in his wallet and says, is this, will this get me laid? Will this get me laid? Well, how about, wait, no, hold on.

This is a diner's club. Will this get me laid? He's got a pile of his own trading cards. but here's here's the thing. I think this would work. This is a true story I'm on a series of video game all-star trading cards put out by Twin Galaxies And if I handed you one you would fuck me. Yeah, like I'm sure of it. You know me too well Sean She she turns him down and he, well, what's your type? She says, you're not my type. And this bugged the shit out of me.

She goes, about three foot seven, six years old. In my notes it says, I'm out. They got a lot in common. He wants to be perfect on Girls P.E. We get what she means, but come the fuck on, kindergarten ninja. Like, there's 9,000 ways you could have wrote that. That was the one you shouldn't have. Hey, she's here doing her community service too, alright?

For your unspeakable sex crimes, I sentence you to four years of kindergarten teaching. If they had like once implied that, this would be bar none, my favorite top tier. Just the whole school is just community service criminals. Oh, that's a really good idea for I'm going to pitch that. So we got to the cool policeman, the Sergeant Denim, dressed head to toe in Denim. He's responding to a gang violence call with between two boys who are aged seven and nine. And we pan over their two little boy bodies, just like they've got Awe's.

They've got like, the gang violence is like, they got Nookie's. Yep. It's really funny. It's a very funny way to do that. Like these are the perpetrators. The perpetrators of the violence are these wounded little boys.

There's a moment I liked here where they're talking about the new drug and how it's causing this chaos. Buzz! Buzz! The guy's like, all right, cancel your dinner plans, cancel your movie plans, we've got to solve drugs. That's how cops work, right? They hear about drugs, they're like, okay, stop everything until this is solved. Some of those cops from 1982 still haven't eaten. That was in the Dare Mandate programming. Like you have to say we're stopping drugs. All right, sure.

I'll put that in there. Fuck it, makes it better. Now we'll cut to Blade in Bed with a babe. Yeah, hot babe. Who turns into Bruce Lee and we're gonna hit a gong. How about that? End of scene. To me that fade implied that they had sex.

Right, what else can that? What else? Okay, so what that scene would normally do in a movie is like, he thinks it's a babe and then what, Bruce Lee? And then Bruce Lee is like, I'm gonna chastise you about your horn dogging, about just banging every skank in town. Like you need to get disciplined,

you need to focus on the kids. No, he doesn't say anything that we fade back out and it's like, what are you supposed to think other than he fucked the ghost of Bruce Lee? As an editor, I can tell you one second fade, passage of time, three second fade, fucking. Fucking, yeah. Absolutely. Super fucking. That's the rule.

That was absolutely fucking. Like, I don't think, I don't know that they knew what they were implying, but there's no other way to read that scene. Oh, they knew. So now that he's put it to read that scene. Oh, they knew. So now that now that he's put it to the ghost of Bruce Lee, uh, we're back, we're back in school. And Blade Steel, this fucking scene, introduces him to the class, introduces himself to the class again. He already did that, but he's doing it again.

And he has to explain what an alcoholic is to the kids. And then he has to explain what alcohol is to the kids. And then the kids ask him, well, if it's not that much fun, why do you drink it? And it, it's the first time he ever thought of that. He's never lost his goddamn mind. You can just see his brain empty out and he looks to this guy like, oh my fucking God. Changed his life right there.

They should just have this seven year old girl go to AA meetings. There's a moment here where the children roast him. He's like, hey kids, you know who I am, right? And one kid stands up and says, yeah, my dad says that the only balls you can, and then they put a hand over his mouth. Like this dude is going to share like the gay jokes

his family shares about him while they're watching football. And one girl screams at him in Mandarin. Another kid gets up and does the Eddie Murphy alcoholic dance. I was going to say that. The movie makes this black kid do a shitty Eddie Murphy. He goes, you got arrested because you're an alcoholic. And I laughed.

I thought it was really good. Like I say, this is Anthony Chan's Star Wars. He's like, I love Eddie Murphy's like, raw, the power he has on stage. I want to take elements of that and put it into my screenplay. And give it to a child. Yeah. Give it to a very young child.

Kid nailed it. Yeah. And give it to a very young child. The kid nailed it. Ha ha ha. Maybe. I think it's one of those scenarios where they had all these kids in for the scene, and the kid just started doing that, and Anthony Chan was like, he's really good at this. I'm going to let him do it. That's going in, yeah. Yeah, that's all that's going in.

Though it's time that Blade Steel needs to take some karate lessons. Despite having Bruce Lee living inside his skull with all of his kung fu powers, as we've established. Right. I guess he revoked consent after they banged? Maybe it wasn't good? You didn't want to do it anymore? Maybe the magic was gone. Once Bruce Lee smashes, he's like, you know, I'm moving on. I just had to bang one out. We're not building something here. So he finds a strip mall dojo, and the sensei is a blind master named Master Chosen Wan.

Yeah, real first draft names. I don't think this guy knows a second Asian person because he is doing a very racist accent from like the wrong region of Asia. Yeah. And so I just like, is that the gag? Cause I don't think he's in on it. And he's always accompanied by,

dun dun dun dun dun dun, some shit like that. Yeah. Well that's George Chung, another karate practitioner and the writer of this movie. Yes. Yeah, he's the one who did the kids karate show with Ronnie Lott and the director of this. He's maybe the most problematic character,

chosen one. I didn't have to tell you based on his name. You knew based on his name. Like, oh, that's not okay. Nothing he does is gonna be okay. He's clowning like a fucking depression era grandpa. Like he has a real like mirthless sadness to his gaggery. I'm not sure.

I should have put this coherently in my notes, but like he'll just like clown. He'll just come into a room and just goof. And it's just like so joyless. You're like, what the fuck are you doing with that little dance? And it just sort of lingers in the air. He doesn't have anything to do with his character

or whatever, he's just like, gotta be the center of attention. I fucking hate him. So he shit talks the blind master into a fist fight on his first day. Blade Steel does a lot of real racist karate riffing, like a lot of real racist karate riffs for a guy that has a Kung Fu legend's ghost

in his skull and in his bed. Just seems like asking for trouble. He's in a romantic relationship with the ghost of Bruce Lee and he's just making those racist noises. He's doing crane kicks. That's some fucking... Ugh. Yeah, he doesn't like the crane kicks. That's some fucking... Ugh. Ugh.

Yeah, he doesn't like the crane kick. Yeah, and they goof on him. They goof on him hard. And then he says, "'I was better this morning, "'and I yelled at the screen, "'At what?' Fucking what?

It's 69ing with Bruce Lee. There it is. Because he's also, he's not talking about the fight he got in, because that was days ago. Yeah. Right. We've showed them like sleep, that was not... So if he's talking about like karate, that didn't happen.

That didn't happen. Well, you didn't show us that. Well, he has a Coke. He has a Coke with Master Chosen One, and they talk about martial arts and teaching the kids. And then we cut to, I guess, a stand-up comedy club called D.B. Cooper's. And the words bad guy flash across the scene, but they didn't have to say that because this is a Hispanic man. Whoa!

Yeah. We're gonna have to get somebody to cut that. Me getting canceled? Then we finish in a Dare movie in 1994. I knew he was evil because he looks like Latino Phil Collins. I was like, oh, get this fucking guy to jail. Like the meta commentary doesn't need to exist there when you're still doing all of those tropes in earnest.

It's not ironic that you're doing this. They're not gonna subvert these tropes in any way, shape or form. So like you can't do meta commentary about it when you're like, and I don't understand why it's bad. Yeah, I don't get it. It's like seventh grade yearbook video joke like, let's flash bad guy on the bad guy.

Just it's it's a trash. Noxious. I hate the meta commentary. It's the worst part of this. What is a genuine laugh though, is that he gives this rant about like, being this hardened drug dealer, and then we pan over to who he's giving the rant to, and it's his gang of exclusively 12 year olds.

Playing close and not dressed up like gang members. These aren't hard kids. They're just like from the Mormon church. Like nine to 12 years old nerds. And he's in charge. That's his gang. His name is Hector Machetti. Second draft name. Finally we get a second draft name. He has to prove to a kid why you should never short him on his take.

Like his kid tries to short him and he's like, no, we're going to make an example out of you. And to do that, he brings in like a chubby guy in sunglasses and they take three unspecified other children, not the kid that shorted him, to a different unspecified set where they all start doing somersaults. It's so weird. It's so fucking strange. I have no idea what it's trying to say. They just beat up these children.

One girl gets chokeslammed. They have nothing to do with this. They're not even in the same location. Like it looks like they brought in the chubby guy in sunglasses to reminisce about the time he beat up a bunch of children. But they like, these kids aren't just sitting there taking it, they're trying karate. They're like, all right, right.

I'm not gonna sit here and get beat up by the gang lord. I'm fucking flying kicking at you. It doesn't go well, but they went for it. It's games. In 1994, we all knew a little bit of karate and thought, yeah, that fixes everything. Like if a drug lord pulled me aside, I would be absolutely have been like fucking spinning kick.

Right. It should have worked. We fade out of that scene. We fade out of it in case you thought, no, maybe that's supposed to be taking place in the same room. It should have worked. We fade out of that scene. We fade out of it in case you thought, no, maybe that's supposed to be taking place in the same room. No, we fade out of the scene and come back.

How long was the fade, Jamie? I'm just a little worried if it was. Here's the thing. It's the length of the fade plus how the fade ends. So a kid in a white t-shirt takes a flying, like just whiffs, completely whiffs a flying kick to the big guy. He grabs the kid and puts him in his place, and then as the fade is happening,

this fucking 35-year-old man grabs the back of this kid's head by the hair and yanks back uncomfortably aggressively, and then it's six-second fade. So there's real bad things happening there. Now, what if you like brought in like a little saxophone sting, just like a, like then I think that adds a little romance to it.

I think it softens it. Something to think about. Maybe we add a little saxophone and then re-upload it to the internet and then the future historians will think that saxophone is there the whole time. Sean, I'm on enough lists. Can I add a little something to this?

What if when we come out of that fade and after the saxophone scene, what if Hector Machete puts an arm around the kid and goes, I love you, I still love you, I'm the only one who loves you. I love it. No notes. Because that's what actually happens.

Jamie, if you can hear me. Future Jamie doing the audio editing. Not you current Jamie as the guest. Cut this, cut all of this? Uh huh, yeah. Yeah, I'll send along some notes. That's what he tells for an uncomfortably long time he specifies how hard he loves this child

that tried to short him. And those other children are, I guess, dead or worse. And now it's time to go back to the dojo for a training montage with wacky master chosen one. But now he's teaching the kids karate. So now we also, in addition to all the other things I said, we're doing an only the strong. So there's just a lot of elements that he's pulling and creating, I think, again, a masterpiece. So he's teaching the kids karate and he segues into that by saying,

Hey, you know what's better than Street Fighter, kids? Learning karate with our new friend, Master Chosen One. And Master Chosen One shows up with a golf club as though he's going to beat the shit out of these children. He throws like 15 kicks at one kid's face. They're like, this guy can't teach us karate, he's blind. He's like, that could have gone real bad. And they go right from that into a training montage of the children learning their first day of karate.

We didn't like, if you're doing a dangerous mindset, if you're doing anything with like children in that, you've got to like name a child name one of the children Yeah, make me care about it They're just all presented as like this mass of flesh that he's just going to teach karate Like there is there are no characters here No, I think they get he gets through the day to day one of karate training and he makes them take sort of a karate Pledge of allegiance and they they just get to the part where Master Chosen One is saying,

okay, now repeat after me karate is always for defense, never offense. When Blade Steel books ass right out of the classroom, wordlessly, totally wordlessly throws his jacket at some drug dealer's face and then greets them with a punch right in that face. No words are spoken. It's the most offense you could possibly be. They were bad. So I think in the spirit of it, he might still live by the pledge. He uses snake-style kung fu in this fight, which I thought was a very bold choice.

He does the little come at me wave. It's the funniest thing a huge lumbering middle aged white guy in a lot of pain could do. Like before getting beaten to death by teenagers. Just, yes, come at me. And then they just kick out his bad knee, tweak his bad back. I want people to be able to imagine these fights. Like they linger on the kung fu. It's not like they're edited together real,

like a modern Steven Seagal scene. They let him throw a couple of moves from these wide shots. You can see his full body doing karate and again he looks like he's in a lot of pain but also very, very powerful and doesn't quite know how to pull his punches and kicks very well. So they either look like total crap or it looks like he really hurt somebody. Anyway, it's great. There's just so much tension. You're like, oh, somebody's gonna die here. So the hot teacher loves him now

that he's beaten up some children in front of her. Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's actually what I'm here for too. I beat the shit out of these kids. I think the way I took it is he's now childlike enough for her to love him. Like he's shown that he's so stupid. She's like, yep, you're my type now.

Yep, that was really childish what you did. You're in. Back at the Villainous Comedy Club, Hector Machete says, they can't give up their hold on the community center because it makes up 22% of the Bay Area drug sales. These children fucking party. They party like fucking crazy. 22% of the entire Bay Area drug sales these children fucking party they party like fucking crazed 22% of the entire Bay Area drug sales from from a suburban

Community center for cheap for children so I got confused is the community is he talking about the school is the school the community center I guess I guess it is Okay, and they do 22% of the drugs in the Bay Area. They do $1.3 billion worth of drugs every week. And that's just when the community, so I guess the other 80% is made up of like fucking antique malls and cracker barrels.

Where they just- They just don't have a party. Roll in so hard, so hard in that community center. Hector's doing that thing where he teaches us basic Spanish by repeating the Spanish word for the English thing he just said in every sentence. That was helpful. Yeah. I think that maybe that gets them

some sort of educational fund, like on top of the DARE funds. Yeah. This was our duolingo in 1994. So one of the goons, they're talking about how they got driven off by an old football player. And one of the goons is're talking about how they got driven off by an old football player And one of the goons is like he did karate at us and Hector God bless him says then do karate back You've seen it on TV You've seen you see literally he literally says you've seen the ninja turtles tortugas

You've seen them kick Tortugas ninjas. It's not hard. I just want to stress that he goes on this rant about how you could just... Karate's all pretend. If you've seen it on TV, pretend to do the stuff on TV and it's just as good. Because this will come in again. Back at Blade Steel's apartment, he's on a mission from God. That doesn't mean he has to stop banging skanks because he's still banging skanks.

Hell yeah. Even with apparently he has not gotten any screen time, will not again, but you gotta remember the ghost of Bruce Lee is right there watching him bang skanks. I guess misogynistic is the right word for it because he's there with this girl and it's this token bimbo scene.

And then here comes this blind karate instructor and he's just like, fuck you, you stupid bitch. And she's like, hi, yes, that's me. And she's like, dude, what are you? You can't just walk into somebody's house and insult the woman he's romancing. And- Wait, just a second. It, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,. And she's like, okay. She's like taking a beating from both of these men in the scene. Yeah, it has no respect, no respect. And then I think the part that is the most embarrassing is I guess there's a drug dealer attack in the middle of this. And then after Blade and his teacher beat up

the drug dealers, they go for a high five and they miss. And then after they missed high five, Becky is given the line, you're so cool. I thought that's the meanest thing they did to this woman after the missed high five, Becky is given the line, you're so cool. I thought that's the meanest thing they did to this woman who they've just been abusing for 10 minutes straight. And wasn't that also a goof on Juan being blind? Yeah, no, it's a blind joke. Blind joke into a bimbo joke.

They're really good at their segueing into things they shouldn't do. Speaking of exactly that, it's time to segue into another montage of him training. It's another Karate training montage. And then I hope you get comfortable because when we segue out of this training montage, it's right back into another training montage. I have that in my notes too.

And we just fucking hang out here shifting back and forth between rival training montages and for like 10 goddamn minutes. It's so fucking boring This is how I learned about the Ronnie Lott show with the director because I just like went to IMDB while this shit's happening I'm like, alright, I guess I'll do some research It starts doing training montage scenes with the kids where none of the stars are in it and they never told us the names Of any of these children. They're just watching strangers kids pretend to do karate. I imagine this is one of the joys of being a parent but not being a parent. It fuck it sucks to watch. Yeah.

I think Next is one of my favorite character beats that they do in movies where like the womanizer meets a woman who's not into him and then he fucks her anyway, after just making like a tiny, like superficial change. So he's like helping kids with karate and the other teachers like, oh wow, yeah, no, I'll go out with you now, let's do it. Uh-huh, of course. That's a good character arc to go from the guy who fucks everybody to not a second thing.

And he's gonna take her to Clark's by the Bay. Yes, Clark's by the Bay. For reservations call 415-367-9222. Why it's owned by an old football player. His career might have been overrated, but his food's not. That all happens in the movie, word for word. The scene stops so it can run a full plug including phone number for Dwight Clark's restaurant. Dwight Clark's actual restaurant, Clark's by the Bay, that was his actual phone number.

And they try to get away with a little meta irony by doing shameless endorsement there. But again, you stole funds from the dare program. Yeah, this is unethical. And it's a thing I call going for cute. It's like, there's no chance of this ever being funny, but maybe you catch a grandma in a good mood and it's cute. It's like, there's no chance of this ever being funny, but maybe, maybe you catch a grandma in a good mood and it's cute.

And it's just a suicide move for comedy. It's so fucking bad. And completely, completely, another thing, these two fucking assholes make me so uncomfortable. Right in front of the kids and she is cooing like she's in fucking grade school Towards this man and asking him out on a date and kissing him on the face and all in front of a little girl And it's very uncomfortable. I didn't like it all. I didn't like it. Here's what I did like is that now Hector Machete

He is hiring outside ninjas to defeat blade steel and they are the most important thing I've ever seen. They can teleport. They have rainbow football pads. They are, I want to be clear, they are magic football ninjas. It's the fucking best. They're called the turf ninjas. They're called the turf ninjas. And up to this point, I mean,

I guess there's been Bruce Lee. There hasn't been actual, yes. There hasn't been actual karate magic up until now. So like, he's been learning karate. He hasn't been actual karate magic up until now. So like, he's been learning karate. He hasn't been learning to shoot fireballs or whatever. So when Hector Machete says, and I brought in the turf ninjas and they start teleporting around the set, it's an insane moment. Like, oh my God, he's going to die.

Can't deal with this. He brought it. He's in a lot of pain all the time. Like it hurts him to kick, to sidekick. And these guys are fucking teleporting. And to be clear, like they, if you, if you think this is a fluke, like this is just like the style of the scene and we're breaking the rules. No, like later in the movie,

they use their teleportation style to attack. Yeah, they have a teleporting ability and it's in the text of this great art. And they hate transgender people. And they love Harry Potter. They just can't get enough of that whimsical little sorcerer and hate just a good percentage of people. And this terrible, terrible author. So yeah, the Turf Ninjas turns out to be an unfortunate name, of course.

Oh shit. I get it. Thanks for that, Jamie. Thanks for, thanks for rescuing the bit. So Hector, Hector brings them in and he says, instead of like a really, really like long, tough guy detail, like these are the deadliest men they've been on missions, they've killed hundreds.

He says, I love these guys, they're funny. They can run, they can jump, they do karate. And he loves them and he says, I love them, I love them. And then we cut away from that scene to a scene with him in his own restaurant with the Turf Ninjas. And he's just screaming says I love them. I love them And then we cut away from that scene to a scene with him in his own restaurant With the turf ninjas and he's just screaming. I love these guys. I love them. I love these guys. I love them I love them like he's been doing that for six hours. I Agree, and that's exactly what I would say for six hours. That's what I would say to those men. I love I love everything about this

Let me put it another way. I love everything about this. Let me put it another way. I love everything about this. No, hold on guys. I have something important to tell you. I love everything about this. Six hours, I would say. So Sergeant Denim shows up and gets in the tough guy showdown with Machete.

Two of the main characters at the height of dramatic tension. Wait, what's happening? Clark's by the Bay again. We left that scene mid-sentence. The scene just cuts off in the middle of this prime tension where like two of our main characters are like, you better not come near me again

and you might find yourself in a terrible accent. Clark's by the Bay, everybody, Clark's by the Bay. And not just like, let's fade in on like a beautiful restaurant. We go in hard on Chinese karaoke performance. Yeah They say every Wednesday they clocks by the bay every Wednesday They do that sing-along and they mean karaoke, but all in Chinese and with specified performers and instruments so kind of just a band Yeah, yeah, just a real bad and real bad self-indulgent band.

And then suddenly a greasy guy in a bald eagle sweatshirt shows up, like as if from nowhere. Like I think they even edited it so he blinked into existence. Maybe I'm crazy. No, no, it's a, that's, God, what's his, what's his face? It's the guy that hallucinated beating up those, killing those children.

Yes, right. Right, he's like the toughest guy that Hector knows. But then they call up Blade Steel to the stage and there's this classic American movie that everyone loves. It's called Duets. And there's a scene in this where Huey Lewis is like, I don't know what the heck karaoke is. And then he gets on the stage and he's magic.

And that's what Blade Steel is. He takes that mic and it is just like the most beautiful rendition of 25 Miles from Home by Motown legend Edwin Starr, which you know what this means. We have a martial arts master singing an Edwin Starr song. That means this movie is also a rush hour. They stick with that scene so long. They stick with that scene so long that I stick with that scene so long that I earn earnestly thought Dwight Clark was going to like have them flash a number for his album.

Like buy my album now. One nine hundred. Yeah. Okay. This is going to be hard to explain, but a fight breaks out while he's singing and the crowd does not care. They're still just so into his singing.

And then he still has a mic in the middle of the fistfight. And he starts singing like he's singing while he beats these guys up, but not all the time. Sometimes his voice is coming through the audio, while he's not holding a mic and he's like kicking and punching. I think the editor was expecting us to be really forgiving here. And they expected wrong. It did not come together. Yeah, they expected wrong. It is a disaster. It is such an odd scene. So many odd, it's just odd scenes all the way out. So Sergeant Denham, he has to go meet with the mayor,

who very subtly is named Mayor Krookalini. And the mayor tells him to- That's a zero draft name. The mayor tells him to back off because the whole city is crooked. This is something I wouldn't expect. Let me check the dare program to sign off on who was who would be funded by the government and be providing these funds.

I wouldn't expect them to be like, yeah, we're all crooked. This program crooked as fuck. Never trust us. I have a hole in my notes here. What do they cut to after this? Let me check real quick. It's a training montage. I have training montage here.

That's shocking to me. Actually, no, no, I'm sorry. I wasn't doing it justice. It's a training montage we use to revisit clips of the other training montages we've just done. It's a training montage. It's a training montage clip episode in a movie. Fuck.

It's so good. I think it might be 90 minutes long. I actually started fast forwarding at this point. When I came back, it's one of the kids is saying, are you coming back, Mr. Steel? And the sad music kicks in. And then he says, oh, of course I am, buddy. They're like, then why the fuck the sad music?

Like he's about to tell the kid he has cancer. And then he says, of course I am buddy. They're like, then why the fuck the sad music? Why? Like he's about to tell the kid he has cancer. No, I won't be coming back. He's like, yeah, totally dude. And then that's the, why the scene? Why the scene at all? Why at all? But Machete's like, hooray.

Now we can trash the grade school. It's so funny. The one NFL player that was here for 90 days is gone now. Let's get back. The way they handle it is the second blade leaves the property There are drug dealers watching and the second he steps foot off the property. They just swarm it Swarm it. It's like yep Everything you just did out the door and that's time. You know what that means. It's time for a drug dealing training montage

You know what that means? It's time for a drug dealing training montage. I'm not kidding. There's a montage of the drug dealers training to deal drugs better. Like the turf ninjas are kicking boards. Hector himself, Hector Brachetti gets in there and starts pumping iron, which is, I don't know how many times I've seen like a villainous training montage. It also cuts from that drug dealing montage to Blade reading letters from the kids in bits and they do a memory montage. The kids remembering montage. Yes. Where like-

You know what this means? This means that the movie is mostly montage, which means it's also, in addition to all the other things I said, a Rocky IV. I'm telling you, this is- Ha ha ha! Yep. The best part of so many great films.

So Blade Steal, he's out at the bar, he gets approached by skanks, he loves them, and then children run up to him. And it turns out this time, he would much rather talk to the kids specifically about Street Fighter. Hey, you kids like the Street Fighter, huh? And the skanks are like, hey, we were gonna suck you off. Do you wanna get sucked off? And he wants to talk about Street Fighter so much

that they just leave. Some other dude comes up and if I'm not mistaken, he offers one of his cousins for sex. Yes. And he's like, you're gonna, oh, you would rather talk to the children. Okay, all right, fucking asshole. That's weird.

That's a weird thing you just did, but okay. And all of this is interrupted by a news report on the community center being attacked by gang violence. That was their words. It's been attacked by gang violence. So Sergeant Denham's on there. He says, I wish there was more I could do, but you can't. The mayor told them to back off.

So now the police are helpless. Cops can't do anything, but blade steel can. You know what this means? Yeah. In addition to all that other stuff I said, it means this is also a tracks. So let's go, it's a duets. It's a Rocky four.

It's a rush hour. It's a no retreat, no surrender. It's a tracks to kindergarten cop. It's a Paul Hogan's almost an angel. That was the movie where he plays an angel and he beats up the guy in a wheelchair. It's a Paul Hogan's almost an angel. That was a movie where he plays an angel and he beats up the guy in a wheelchair. It's an only the strong. It's a dangerous minds.

It's the most hot dog DNA movie that has ever been. Like these are all, these are all movies that we've talked about and covered and enjoy. Yeah, you flip me on this Sean. This is, this is the best movie that has ever been put to videotape Yes, it's kind of like how if you take like one piece from all of my favorite foods and just put them in a big bowl Together mix them up. It's not really really good. Somebody call it vomit. Oh, there's yeah

Kindergarten ninja the tastiest threat. I love that the cop the the cops are on there going Well, we're helpless against this drug problem Only a rogue football karate vigilante can help us and then we flashed a dare sponsored funds Yep, again, I don't think they would have I think that's why that guy was so fucking fucked up introducing this the actual police chief because he saw this movie and was like, so you just said the cops are helpless and like football karate's the only, that's not what we're trying to do with the D.A.R.E. program,

but I guess I read the card and shut up, huh? Okay, here's, I want you to put yourself in his shoes. Here, you're like running this D.A.R.E. program, that's not fucking why you became a cop, this is bullshit. Like you don't remember what you did to piss off your supervisor, but here you are with this terrible gig and some guy comes into your office. He says, I got Dwight Clark and you're like from the 49ers from the catch.

I'm like, yeah, dude, he's doing karate. He and his karate coach want to make a movie. It's like a walking tall, but attracts. And he's like, okay, fuck yes. And he's like, and check this out. You can produce it with dare money. Imagine saying no to that, absurd, completely absurd. Like any one of us would have said hell fucking yes.

Well, listen, if I'm a producer, I do have one note. I call them the turf ninjas. And I'm not sneezing at $300 y'all. That's fucking, that's a good deal. So let's get back to that training montage she's doing another training montage this is firmly into the third act of the movie and he's training to take the cartel down he vowed to take the cartel down first and then went into a training gotta do the cardio first so masterosen One comes in dressed like Snake Plissken

and Sergeant Danum sorta joins the team, leaving the police force for vigilante justice. Remember the dare program, everybody. We cut to the drug warehouse where Blade, Steel, and Master Chosen One are invading. All of Machete's goons know karate. The turf ninjas are here. It's a full out fucking showdown. It kinda rules.

Just this part. I like how he's like stealth killing at first. Like he's grabbing guys and like punching them to death. The first guy he grabs, he's like, the guy says, oh no, and he starts beating him in the head and the guy's going, oh no, oh no. in the head and the guy's going, oh no, oh no. Perfect acting choice. It's so shocking that they gave him stealth kills. Like, you're not, this is a 19, he's like a football ninja. Why are you, he's like, he's stealth murdering some of the bad guys.

It's incredible. Master Chosen One comes in and then he brings in actual children to help. He brought two kids to the fucking stealth mission! Because he's blind, you see. And so he brought the children to be his seeing-eye kids in a drug warehouse full of goons. To be his nunchucks, to be clear. He picks one of those kids up and hits a bad guy with it. I know how that sounds, but it's a fair way to describe what they're doing here. Yeah.

And they're rolling this. He's like, come with me, be my eyes and my nunchucks. And they're like, that can't mean what it sounds like. We're in. But it did mean that. So it turns out the Turf Ninjas are here. It's not a fluke. They can bend space and time, and they have to face off against Master Chosen One, the blind master.

It should kick ass. It does not kick ass. They mostly just do little comedies, sketches, I think. It's impossible to tell. Like one, okay, here's one sketch. The Turf Ninjas and Master Chosen One take turns standing in front of a parachute and doing like little nunchuck skits or jump kicks.

And it ends with Master Chosen One coming out of a rubber tube to smile at the camera. What the fuck does that mean? It looks like the set designed from Vanilla Ice is cool as ice. Add that to the list, I guess, of movie influences. I was gonna say, it's a classic empty box factory. How many of our beloved movies take place with a fight in an empty box factory? Only it has a McDonald's play place in it? For like your kids when you're working the box line.

There's one where he does like, he does a bunch of Kung Fu hand stuff as like a periscope, like as if he's hiding behind and he's like scanning the room with his little Kung Fu hands. I was like, my notes just say, fuck you, man. I don't have a joke for that. Fuck you for that.

Fuck you piece of shit. Let's get back to the Blade Steel action. It's a montage. Of course it's a montage. I need to cool off. The final fight is one big montage in this movie that was entirely montage. It's great they try to do that scene where they punch each other where like Blade Steel and a bad guy punch each other in the face at the same time, but they don't choreograph

and the camera guy can't figure out slow motion. So it's just two guys holding their fists on each other's faces and making slow motion noises. It's like the same Kung Fu movie you made in fifth grade, like you're just trying stuff only a child, like wouldn't know wouldn't work, you know? Like, I don't know, it's so stupid. So Blade is losing and that's when he hears the he hears the voice of Bruce Lee and I had actually forgotten This was a mission from Bruce Lee's ghost at this point, right? Yeah, that's a crazy thing to forget in a movie

Like to just be blown out of your head completely and be like, oh right, right, right He's on a mission from from God from to get Bruce Lee's ghost angel status. What? How is that overshadowed? No retreat, no surrender. I think they forgot that it was a Bruce Lee ghost movie about halfway into Act 2 as well. So again. So it's all a reference, of course.

So he's fighting, at this point, he's fighting Hector Machete, who, remember, said, just make it all up. Karate is just some shit you see on TV. Pretend like you know it and you know it. And it turns out he was right, because he holds his own in this scene. Yeah, he does, okay. And he admitted, I'm just fucking, I watched the Ninja Turtles one time.

I'm just as good at you as you at karate. There's a bit here where the bad guy's hunched over and not looking. And then Dwight Clark comes over and punches him in the side of the head. But the guy's not looking, so he can't pretend like he got hit by this powerful karate hit. So he just no sells it.

It just looked like Dwight Clark comes up and knuckles this guy gently in the side of the head. Because that's what he did. That's all he did. Oh, it's so funny. Blade Steel is getting his fucking ass handed to him by a guy making up karate on the spot. Until Master Chosen One gets up

after being stabbed and just deciding, ah, I wasn't that stabbed. He gets up and joins back in into the fight. So now our good guys are two on one-ing him while he's making up karate and he still does okay. Gets a couple shots in, yeah. Like on paper that's a fucking stupid idea but then they film it badly. It's just, I don't know. Again, if I was running the DARE program I would

not have said no to this project but I wouldn't have been proud of it. But you wouldn't have shown it in schools across the country when teachers were hung over. I get the feeling that when Anthony Chan went to sell this movie, he had so much passion in his heart. Like, I bet you get out of a meeting with that guy and you're like, god damn it, the fucking next George Lucas just left my office.

No one, if it's even one tenth of his vision, this movie is going to be incredible. And it wasn't. No, it might be even one tenth of his vision, this movie is going to be incredible. And it wasn't. It might be about one tenth, maybe. One fifteenth, I'll give him one fifteenth. So that's the big fight scene. We go back to the school, I guess the next day, and we see the next mook who got community service,

because this is just a community service school. The community center is for community service It's just run by criminals. The kids are not inspired by this mook at all Then Blade Steel comes back and they all run to him Overcome with love for him while the mook shrugs his shoulders and goes it's a miracle and then Then we cut to Animal House style text ending cards amazing Yeah, there that starts with a fourth wall breaking joke about setting up a sequel, which is amazing

because it means that Anthony Chan might not know this sucks. Here's the first card. Blade Steel retired from football the next season after breaking all of Dwight Clark's records. So another little fourth wall breaking. You know him from Clark's by the Bay, reservation still open. Today, Blade is a police detective fighting crime, being a hero, and definitely setting you up for a

sequel. Like, imagine thinking and genuinely thinking you were getting a sequel to this movie. I know it was karate in the 90s and that we gave sequels to everything, but not this. Not this. The next one is Linda Thompson, the hot teacher. Linda Thompson dated Blade for six months, however things did not work out. She moved to Jamaica, where today she teaches children, homemaking 101, and introduction to pre-college algebra. She was last seen dating an Elvis lookalike

from a local reggae band. Now, I don't think this is a callback to the Elvis we met earlier, who was just a cop in an Elvis costume, not doing an Elvis impersonation. I think it's just LOL so random. This, all of these details are fucking pointless for a fictional character. Like, they mean nothing, they have no reference to the movie we just saw, they don't tell a greater story, it is...

It's so fucking weird. I think there's a greater story. It is... it's so fucking weird. I think there's a greater story being told here. When you say she was last seen dating an Elvis lookalike from a local reggae band. Oh, okay. So she's missing now. Yeah. He killed her. I guess you're right. Reggae Elvis murdered Linda. Linda was murdered by Reggae Elvis is what that's telling me. Why is he reggae? I don't know. You're right. I take it back. It's very evocative. Bruce became an angel. Today he does freelance miracle work.

However, he will still not allow you to see him above his shoulders. Wink! Wink! Hector Machete was sentenced to 10 years. He served one year and sold his life story to hard copy for millions. Today he is on the speaking circuit and is often seen on daytime soap operas. He is currently writing a book, Crime Doesn't Pay, but tabloids do. Good lesson, Dare! Good lesson, Dare program movie.

I don't know. So he served one year for... I think he murdered three children in this movie, at least. And then became a multi-millionaire. Specifically a multi-millionaire, all thanks to drugs. Thanks to the power of drugs. Go drugs. They had the same judge as Blade Steel, so. That judge is just like, but it would take a miracle. And then God has to assign a very influential minority to him. One year it is.

Antonelli, that's Sergeant Denim, was promoted to captain. He then married his college sweetheart, former dancer and lounge singer, Gene Rip. Today they have six children, all girls. What? What? Yeah. End on the stupid joke, if you're gonna do the stupid joke.

They're just uninteresting details. If there were real people, if they would be uninteresting details, if they're fictional, they're fucking nothing. It's just, why even type that? Plus, this, he was useless. This guy didn't deserve a title card. He didn't do anything. He said like, hey, blade steel, I can't help you. Cause like the mayor said not to help you. And then he what drove him to the warehouse and left. Like that's, you don't get a title card for that. Garbage. DARE! Nah, fuck it.

So Stone, that's the chubby enforcer, Stone served six months and was paroled for good behavior. Today he sings with a rap band, Bodyslam. His current hit song, I Wanna Hug Ya Till You Explode is rated number five on Billboard's Top 100. So all the bad guys got the best possible ending. Yeah. This is a lot. It's such madness to not quite write a full joke. He's not even swinging for anything. It's just so weird. Why did the henchman get a title card?

And why a body slam? What is the... He has a body of wrestling rap thing and then I wanna hug you till you explode. It's, why only number five on the chart? Make it number one. Like why, why make it like a believable number, I guess. He was the guy who killed those three children.

I don't know, it's very, it's just frustrating. Why does the greatest movie in the world make me so angry? Yes, right, that's my point. That's my, I feel like if you said these words to me, I would just like wake up somewhere else and someone would said these words to me, I would just, like, wake up somewhere else and someone would have to explain to me how I beat the shit out of you. I wouldn't even remember it. I'm not gonna read all of them, but, uh, let me read the master.

Master Chosen One regained his sight back, uh, based on nothing. Regained his sight back and today runs a chain of window covering stores in Northern California called The Blind Guys. Huh? But he's not blind anymore. Huh. That pisses me off.

Like don't take away his blindness and then make the fucking blind joke. The formerly blind guys. Why leave the racism out, you fucking coward? Ha ha ha ha ha. And then the funniest title card of all, it says the end dot dot dot for now nope no good good you gotta be kidding me Frankfurt podcast? Correct! Yeah! The craft is not trapped, it's not empty! Send it to the dog zone for an hour!

Come on, you know the number! 1-9-100 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-9-9-9 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-100 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9- Frankfurt! Einstein-Hunder-Hunder-Hunder!

Yah! 9000! 9000! The historic hot dog club here in beautiful Schenectady, New York welcomes to the stage our own in-house insult comic, Jimmy Jiggles! Oh, hey! Thank you, thank you! Don't applaud too hard, you ain't heard by SetJet! Hey, I see a lot of Supremes out there in the crowd today!

Aaron Crustin, Adrian H, I see Alex Nolenberg here! Hey Alex, I hope you get hit by a speedboat like a manatee! Oh! Alpha Scientist Java, Unandy Armando Nava, Autumn Armstrong Berg, you look like a volunteer editor for WikiFeed. Oh! Bim Tauzer, Brandon Garlok, Brian Saylor, oh I see somebody here named Brockway famously loves the meat milly. Well I happen to know the guy and guess what? He does. know the guy and guess what he does burrito sarah cheddar wolf you smell like palm oil and old breast milk oh common sense craig la moine dan b david shill

i heard your ai girlfriend cheated on you it's not supposed to be possible science is studying it oh DeanHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DINGCASTELLO Delta Foxtrot Devin the Rogue Supreme Doug Redmond Dusty's Rad Title Elizabeth Shope Some people get a bench dedicated to them when they die You're gonna get the corner chair in a Motel 6 O double up O O Elliot Christianberg, Fancy Shark, Jell-o-ho! Hey, good Satan and his hot witches, you know the way that paste the dentist used to polish your teeth tastes? No, of course you don't! Oh! Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Penguini, A.S.C. Honk over here, honk honk!

Jaber Al Aiden, James Boyd. Hey, James Boyd, I hope you dry drown in a corn silo. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child of oh. Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, Jared Ruiz, it's the Jared's. Oh, Jeff O'Raskey. John Dean, I bet all the microplastics in your balls is gonna turn your babies into spiders. Spider-O!

John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh S. Joshua Greaves, A. Justin B. You seem like the kind of guy who's had multiple pets die because of his unmedicated ADHD. Uh, uh, uh, oh Oh sorry that one got stuck. Ken Paisley, KNM, Kamoutsis, KVH, I heard you got banned from Bumble and not even for a good pervert reason. You just made people too sad. Hold on, let me load the O-Gun. Alright now let me cock it. Alright, pull. O! O!

O! Missed all three times. Lane Haygood, Lisa, M. Jahee Chappelle. Hey, Mark Mahoney. You seem like the fourth guy to die trying to rescue a dog from a septic tank. Tragic O! Matt Riley, Max Baroi, Moju! Hey you guys like politics?

I hear the best comedy's political these days. Let's try some. A mercenary sissetman. Jeff Bezos called. He wants his personality back. OHHHH! Michael Lair. Mort.

Mr. Bob Gray. ND. I see Neil Bailey here. I see Neil Schaeffer here, I see Necco 104 here, we got Nick Levino, hey Nick Levino, Elon Musk called, he wants his weird torso back, tors- ohhh, obsolete, Henri Weevil, we got Ozzy Olin, double oh, we got Patrick Herbst, Pee Weewees uncle I hope your spouse leaves you for a Republican Oh Ray Brandrew I hope you get the kind of concussion that

turns you Republican Oh you and Peewees uncle's wife deserve each other and I hope you're very happy Oh alright alright that's enough politics we have fun oh hey Rhiannon a Russell Bowman a Sam Copenick I recognize this guy Alright, alright, that's enough politics, we have fun. Oh. Hey Riannon, hey Russell Bauman, hey Sam Koepnick, I recognize this guy. He's the 204th frame in that scene from Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blasted out the airlock. That's a deep cut, but look it up, it's also an- OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ Hey Tater's Tales, you smell like the sock you find stuck to a teenager's wall when you move the bed. Oh, you're just in there, you're looking for drugs or something because you don't understand

the sudden distance between you and the child who used to love you when BAM! Krusty old Tater's Tales. Oh! Hey, it's Ted H. Thomas Cavazzo, Timmy Lahey, Toasty Gad, Tommy G, Velo! Hey, I see Victor Melovenkin here. You look like you lost a fight to a puff adder who was, itself, already dying of cholesterol poisoning. Oh!

Hey, Booster, hey, you got the anti-venom? No, you don't. Hey, Waylon Russell, Hey, you gonna call somebody? No, you aren't. Oh never mind though cuz Yvonne Clapham's here. She can just It's my time. Thanks everyone. You've been great. Not you Zack and Ava. All right. All right. Don't forget to tip your waitresses We all know Gareth ain't gonna do it. Oh We all know Gareth ain't gonna do it, oh! But no seriously, you gotta tip em man, you gotta tip em! The law says you can pay em below minimum wage if it's a tip position, it's fucked up!

Capitalism is fucked! Oh!