The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 22,The Comedy Inside Baseball Trap

Episode Date: May 12, 2021

Seanbaby lays a cunning trap for Brockway and special guest Soren Bowie: One that appeals to their egos. The challenge is to just sit there and listen to somebody else read their work back to them. They fall for it! They regret it! You probably will, too!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone. Nine thousand. The official podcast of the one nine hundred hot dog comedy hilarity website. I'm TV Sean baby from the internet and with me is my comedy partner

Robert Brockway. Welcome again. I'm Robert Brockway and here's a Brockway fact. The Heinz ketchup heiress once personally caught me peddling counterfeit ketchup. No follow up questions.

I can't even ask if it's a real fact. No follow up questions. Of course it's a real fact. I'm just going to. I'm going to have to take it in. That's an amazing real fact. Speaking of amazing, we're joined by our old friend from cracked

and current staffed writer at American dad. The hit Fox show. Sworn Bowie. Hey everybody. I'm Sworn Bowie from the hit Fox show. American dad or as my mom calls it

modern dad. That's a good one. No idea what I actually do for a living. I watched my first episode with them like three years ago and that was a mistake to watch it with your parents when it came out because they didn't you know they didn't like a lot of the jokes and

then some of the jokes just went right by them and then at the end they were like huh. Well I'm really proud of you. That was my first question was when did they pause for a long time and then say well I'm proud of you. Yeah it was after it was like there's

quiet while we listened to like a dentine commercial and then they were like okay well I'm really proud of you that's great you must be really proud. Now did you write the commercial the gum commercial we saw? That was good. I really I really felt for that child

and how they wanted gum. We watched it with some family friends too which are the same age as my parents. And this was the first one that was like your first script that was German? Yeah my first written by credit and and watched it with family friends

and my mom they don't have any context either because they don't watch the show and they watched it and then they were and then my mom started like trying to explain on my behalf she was like now a lot of the stuff they changed right? I'm like somebody

stopped on your jokes right that's why they suck. No this is all me. This is what you did this is what you accomplished. So what is the writing process like this so each writer's scripts get pretty intact

through the process? Yeah so early on no early on you you get a lot of changes made because you're no good at it yet. You don't know like the how the show runs or operates yet and there's a lot to learn and you basically have a room with four

or five writers and there are three of those rooms generally going at any given time and they'll break a story and that's breaking could take like two or three weeks sometimes it takes even longer but you come in with a bunch of different pitches you're like these are the stories I'd like to do and they're like

they'll be like yeah yeah and like you'll tell when a story is like really clicking because everybody's kind of like joking around with it and playing with it and then other ones that just don't like they just fall on the floor and then after that you break the story you break all three acts you know exactly what the scenes are

gonna be you know you don't necessarily have the jokes for them all built out or like the how the scene will get from A to B but you know kind of generally what's happening in each scene and then you pitch it to the show runners and then you go off and you write it for two weeks well you write an outline and then you write the story for two weeks and then you come back

in with a writer's draft and then after that you do a table read then you do a rewrite then there's a screening of like a very very rudimentary animatic rudimentary early it's not a word a crew a drawn version of it and you

do another rewrite after that and then you finally get the color screening which is like everything looks pretty much in play with with the exception of some music and you do a rewrite after that and then it's done that sounds like a tight ship that they run it is right now it's a well-oiled machine

the first show I was staffed on the process was people would come in with pitches we would get these pitches and most of them would fall very flat and some of them were like really inspiring my biggest problem with pitching is I had these ideas like what if a guy came from space and his name was

Kitar and he played the Kitar and this gave him magical powers and then he kind of just fucks around and does silly stuff and I have some of these ideas that I don't need to bring him up in the pitch and then some other stuff happens and it just kind of ends with some weird absurdity and like

I think that would have been good right like in my head it's funny and but they're like dude this completely sucks but that would that would have been the one I'd be most passionate about and then they're basically like oh that murder mystery party thing what do you do that one of my alright yeah the one where you're like you're out of pitches

and you're like oh I got another one and you're just like scraping around the bottom of your skull for it and you're like that's one of our characters didn't have an idea for a pitch how about this Sereno Diversiak wait wait wait a Christmas story

how about one of those how about both now you're a genius so have you heard those pitches yet I found that if you let any writer pitch every ten pitches is either the characters from the show with Sereno Diversiak or a Christmas story spoof

yeah I think people get the writers of the show do it is there an American dad Christmas story spoof they get tired of the show after a while and they're like they'll pitch on things like what if like now we're Stan is

he knows he's the American dad and like now Fox is canceling the show and like that kind of stuff where you're like it's getting awfully meta and inside baseball here getting Kaufman ask are we really Kaufman let's decide that right now actually one of my favorite things in the writing process was punching up jokes and

it sounds like you don't hack into each other's scripts quite as much on some of the shows I've been on but like because that was always my favorite part where someone would come in and you know add like five six jokes or options for jokes on each page and like those were the times when I laughed the most during the writers room and that seemed

the place where we got the most work done but it also it turns like maybe like as nuclear toxic as any environment that's ever been like you get like four more writers in a room it's just like okay what about a Holocaust joke what about a super racist thing you we won't use this but like the

worst thing you've ever heard right here and like yeah basically that that would that's what it escalates to but right before then there's this sweet spot where where everyone's firing and it's really fun there is that so we during all the rewrites every single rewrite you also have a joke room which is

like if there's just like a scene below like the end of a scene it's not funny enough that the shorter feels like then they be like well we'll send it to the joke room and so the joke room is just like touching up any jokes that just aren't quite landing and that is basically the it is a lot of fun

to be in that room because everybody's just like the joke hole there's a lot of silence where everybody's just thinking and then there's like right yeah people are throwing out jokes and what if something super racist it does get to a point where it's just like there's some punishment jokes as well where they're like we're gonna go read this to the

room at some point and they're gonna hear all of these and some of these are definitely not getting in the show but I've written a four page joke here that you're gonna have to sit through. What are you working on these days Soren? Anything besides American Dad you'd like to mention? I've got a

podcast with Daniel O'Brien who we also used to work with together and that podcast is called quick question with Soren and Daniel and you can find it anywhere you can listen to a podcast and then I've got a new episode of the show coming out probably in I think July

and it's got Scottie Pippen in it The real Scottie Pippen Wait the real one? The real Scottie Pippen is in the episode and he is a If I listen to this and it's just you doing a really problematic impression I'm gonna be so mad it's not that it's the real Scottie

Pippen and he's so good in it and he is a he's a novelist he's a political crime novelist so he writes mostly about navy thrillers in the episode so you know look for that I guess

Well that's that's the best answer we've had yet There's a line from a Scottie Pippen Slam City which is a video game starring Scottie Pippen where you finally get to the end and it pans past like this 90's scene of people like playing with yo-yos and pogs or whatever the fuck

they're doing right it's very 90's and it gets to Scottie Pippen and he says congratulations Scottie Pippen you've really got what it takes welcome to Slam City and I love it so much I could just feel you knowing the cadence of that like by heart

I don't even think I got that right I just it's Scottie's like okay look you got me for fucking 8 minutes you get one take and it was like one of those scenes where so many extras and so many stunt people were doing all this stuff for this long one shot and it ends with Scottie Pippen

just flubbing the shit out of the worst written line incredible yeah he's got just like a kind of a slow cadence to begin with so when you're doing the

the voiceover with him you're just like is he still there oh no there he goes he's doing his lines just very he takes his time and it's so funny in the final episode to Slam City I did a Scottie Pippen article

here on 1900 Hot Dog where you like you went inside this yeah try to explain that forget it was the Scottie Pippen of the many dimensions so it was basically this being made up of

unlimited numbers of Scottie Pippen anyway I'm so happy you tried to explain it I literally tried to explain it fucking idiot just dissecting the piano to find the song it was the novelization of Shack Fu

if anyone wants to look up that article it helps this all helps the video game based on Shaquille O'Neal I wrote the novelization of it you get it I've explained enough I'm working on one called How to seduce your lover forever

and it was supposed to be a quick one I was like I get what this is going to be it's like a video showing people how to have sex by people very motivated to sell scented lotions it's just short of pornography

it's only not pornography because it's gross they're gross people who are awkward on camera maybe if that's your fetish like how real sex on HBO got away with it for so long yes it's so not sexy that you can show everything so it's shot love very much

like a porno there's a lot of close ups and full penetration that's like in the context of the show unappealing so there's also a lot of here's how you make love first you tenderly look into your lover's eyes and it sort of talks clinically like that

and then yeah it's already for a very specific type of love maker but then it always goes back rubbing some sort of scented lotion or scent is the most powerful and erotic of the senses and I'm like what are you fucking talking about

then of course at the end it's like come to our website and buy our special lotions they're like oh there it is do they use the word sniff at all it's also how many times does must appear it's at least once the thing about it

is someone worked very hard on the scripts to never sort of say the same word twice which sort of creates this combination of like yeah of lewdness and like doctor sounding words so it'll be like suck on the penis and scrotum until he comes and you're like whoa that's a

took a turn there because I don't know I love it, I love it it became more complicated than I wanted because there's just so much to talk about and like they'll do something a video I'm like oh this is going to take 800 words to explain why this is weird

and so anyway I gave myself a lot of work but that's nothing compared to what Brockway is doing this week I'm sure yeah I wrote an erotic thriller with Shaq I can't deliver on that in any way I'm so sorry I would read it

I thought I was going none of these condoms fit it says Shaquille O'Neal him hiding in a closet you're like a human in a refrigerator just like you barely fit you would have to be thinly bail you'd have to be like Shaquille O'Grason

or something just hide that effectively like Shaq in a closet no I'm working on what I thought was the same deal I thought it was going to be a nice light week for me and there's a Brazilian mega man comic and I thought like I know these things

I know the like early 90s comic book adaptations they're like 12 pages long and there's like 4 words a page and they're mostly just like here's this power up that you see in the game isn't that cool kids

and so I went into this one expecting a nice short week and it I've never been so wrong in my life I'm just I'm still stunned by how wrong I was and that I don't even know where to start it starts off sort of normal

and then it it kind of hints a little bit at what's going to happen there's like a really brief part where mega man they're describing like the apocalypse that happened and mega man like slams his fist into the floor and is going like this always happens with the goddamn government

like wait what but then they like like glance over that and it's fine and then he's like kind of eyeballing his sister because mega man in the games has a sister named role but nothing ever comes of it so you're like maybe they're just trying to do a little fan service

and then the first issue ends you know somewhat standardly and then the very second issue it just delivers on everything of that like all of a sudden she's just like within three pages his sister is stripping fully naked mega man is jizzing in his pants watching her

he's we're pausing the entire issue to like break the fourth wall with the self insert character that is just runs out and like starts condemning not only the government of Brazil and but Capcom specifically

like this is their officially licensed adaptation and he calls out like Capcom specifically it's like this piece of shit company thinks that they like in the in the comic they commissioned and then it it starts going on rants about socialism at one point they fight the mayor of Sao Paulo but he's a robot

like I just I'm so you can't prove he's not you can't prove that's not based on real facts okay I can prove he's not a 12 foot tall robot that fires electoral missiles oh that's a real thing electoral missiles electoral missiles there's so much wrong

with it that I'm trying to pick any part of it and there's like how can I do this because there's a thousand words I'm not saying about about everything in this it's just nonstop like robot incest and rants about socialism and specifically

Sao Paulo like it starts on like post apocalyptic earth and then in issue three it starts with okay never mind all of that I don't really have a reason like that's almost a direct quote he says like there's no motive for them to be going here but never mind everything we set up this is just modern day Sao Paulo

yeah so this author got a job writing Mega Man comics and decided hey if I have a platform I've got to make a difference I'm going to abuse it as hard as I can before they fire me and I'm going to make sure that they fire me and they did not

he got a five issue he got a five issue run despite like issue two stopping in the middle to be like fuck you for hiring me for this comic book and it never stops being crazy so you had to like they kind of they try to stop being crazy after

after that five issue run because like they're finally he gets out finally somebody came back from vacation is like what the fuck have you been dealing finally got a Portuguese to Japanese dictionary and they're like wait a minute then then they kind of try to like get it back

on track and the rest of it isn't quite as crazy but like yeah it starts off with just this madness that specifically calls out individual mayors of Sao Paulo in the comic book industry of Brazil and so they use the mayor's real name

as the robot in the they used three of the mayors and they combined them all as a portmanteau that's why it's 12 feet tall because of all the mayor parts you're right it's three mayors in one it has to be 12 feet tall because they were all each was four feet tall

so it only makes sense if Shaquille O'Neal was mayor you'd only need like one and a half mayors it goes by size in Brazil it's true I just I had the heaviest week but I also completely fucked myself

in my whole workload like I split it in half and each one is still like 80 pages I don't know what to deal with this I I was just talking about that on the last podcast that I did 62 pages vertically in Google Docs and I was like

this is maybe a bit much for like our daily website readers like I took that as a personal challenge yeah I could top that easy let's check in on what 900 time dog is doing today oh good lord

okay I need a good I'm still scrolling I need a couch to curl up on for the day our casual readers have got to be like four months behind like we've given them way too much and then you start introducing the podcast and just there's somebody did actually sign

on to complain that we do too much like legitimate complaint not a compliment they were like look I'm like two months behind what the fuck are you guys doing they're they're right to be upset it's a sickness you knew this

we knew going in so today we I like talking about writing with you guys and I want to bring up very ancient articles that we did on cracked where we all worked of course and here's what we're going to do this is a very high concept

we're going to read each other's articles and that's the whole thing and that's the whole thing and that's the whole thing high concept but very easy to explain I agree

I was like laughing at myself because it did take me like fucking what five minutes to explain that I were going to read each other's articles and I'm like today we're going to dirtily so I think I'm reading sorens is that what we agreed on should we start with that or who wants to go first I can do Brockway's here first because that's a

I think people are already with their Brockway fanatics they already know that he used to do with drug field misadventures I didn't want to volunteer you to be first for me but this is right you start with the best this is a drug field misadventure

and I think we can all play along together we can decide where we go in it I posted this on the site a little while back but it was kind of a half day sort of thing that I'm bad at taking so I ended up turning it into an actual game and it took me like three days

here you go it's a functioning game just a point of order you used to write these for the site and I knew what it was like writing a column once a week it was a full on panic sprint where you were crying we would all be like we were so stressed out trying to write our articles

every single week and make them good because they had our names on them on top of doing everything else on top of your normal job I would work on them on weekend nights until five in the morning and up until deadline and then I'd publish it myself because it was so late

oh yeah same then you would write these drug field misadventures which were to conceive of even the structure of it takes about a month and then they have to also be funny and then they have to be you have to it's basically writing

five different stories because you have to have a bunch of different paths for each one and I never understood it it was always baffling to me well like the first one the very first one I did was kind of a parody it was like the structure of it wasn't actually a choosing your own adventure I just used the little choices

as punchlines but it didn't branch off and then everybody kept being like it'd be cooler if this was functional and so finally I was like okay well I'll just add 30 hours to my life and make it functional and yeah it was they took by far the most out of almost

any column except for that one man comics I had to do where I had to photoshop everything that took like 150 hours out of my life it was just yeah that was a fun idea we swapped our IPs for the week which seemed like just a cute fun idea

but then it was like oh I bet Brockway doesn't have like my photoshop training this is gonna take him a long time and I'd like never written one of these before and so I was like yeah it was a very long week I did not think of that it was like this is a great idea

I didn't come here just to wash your guys' balls but like Sean Baby also would do his own 8-bit art for every single article which was like I didn't understand either he still does that it's crazy where do I find the time

for this one I do like Porta's head I prefer Porta's head alright let's do it they sound like I'd explain this it's like this beautiful opera singer is drowning

you tell a visibly disturbed young boy in knee-high socks and you want to savor but you just took so many Percocet that you can only move in slow motion soccer Scottie's eyes well up with tears but he chokes them back you get it

you tell the boy he absolutely does not click here no choice on this one no choice watch this young boy cry I should know that at the time I wrote this

even then TripHop was not a relevant reference it's true I did a whole long bit about it and it was still like 10 years out of date I think it's a good choice because if you would have done a different genre that would be out of date

in an unseemly way whereas this is so distant and absurd it's like making a ska joke we know it's not coming back we know that was a blip I think it's a good choice suddenly a stunning young woman rounds the corner and collides with you at full tilt

she is immediately followed by two sinister men in powder blue uniforms give us the briefcase I wasn't talking to you the tall one replies confused you don't even have a briefcase and he's right of course the only thing in your hand is a dull grey spray can

with some acrylic scrawl and the rough translation warning industrial reactor coating if inhalation occurs contact ministry of extreme poisons immediately if you attack the sinister men with the spray paint not pausing to consider the implications behind your drug of choice also doubling as a weapon click here

if you steal the briefcase if you've never had a briefcase and it looks like fun then flea click here briefcase it has to be briefcase I think I gotta take the briefcase okay listen to the author I'll make this brief

go ahead I was just gonna say is it weird for me to be making choices and the thing I wrote I think you know the best directions for us to go right and that's why I should not I will refrain from choosing I mean

you could lead us down the right path I don't mind that I'll make this brief snatching the briefcase from the dazed woman and sprinting off into a swirling colour inverted version of this world but with brilliant pink worms instead of people that black market spray paint might be kicking in

if you hop on a nearby motorcycle to make your escape click here if you slip out the window instead reasoning that a motorcycle will probably not do you much good inside this crowded arcade click here nah I mean I like the first one because it has less reason I gotta get on the motorcycle

of course you do he's trying to lure us in with a reasoning as like a hint like hey don't think too much about this and if you do you I will often punish you for making objectively the right decision that's what I'm saying I know you're trying to trick me

you'll never catch me fascists you scream almost instantly followed by I don't know how to drive this bike you careen out of control and dramatically sideswipe hey surprisingly not that much this was nowhere near as disastrous as it should have been in fact the motorcycle doesn't appear to be moving at all too late

you realize this is just the bike peripheral for a super hang on machine too late you remember that you're still inside the arcade too late you reach in your pocket to slip a few quarters into the slot hoping to get a quick game in too late you remember the sinister men in blue jumping jumpsuits

who were chasing you you ran about 12 feet before your ill-gotten goods with your ill-gotten goods before pausing to hop on a stationary plastic motorcycle and rummage around for change it is with a tender sort of pity that they beat you to death excellent

I guess we blew it the double fake out if you click the end it'll go back to the choice oh okay how user friends this was my solution for keeping your finger on the page you cheat you don't start reading the

book over again from the start ever yeah unless there's just something really wrong with your brain so this is us slipping out the window with the briefcase that we just stole you fling the stolen briefcase through the nearest window and some are sold after it glass shattering

around you did you see that shit Billy you screamed back at the juvenile delinquents you were trying to impress earlier I told you I was karate as fuck you linger long enough to make sure the bullcutted young boy nods reluctantly seating your point then you flee right into the side of the Taj Mahal

you survey the scene and find only madness you now stand in a barren desert wall but a scant few feet to your left stretches a range of alpine mountains to your right a busy street thick with cars and harry pedestrians beside you behind you

come the shouts of the sinister blue-suited men now recovered and in pursuit before you stands oh yeah the Taj Mahal that you just ran into don't do that again if you flee into the mountains click here if you flee into the city click here

what do you think here Sean baby feel like if we go into the mountains they will be our only enemies but if we go into the city we won't be able to distinguish between our true enemies and regular pedestrians and effectually it's all pink worms that we're facing

and if I think in the mountains it would be the pink worms from the trees and I grew up in the mountains so I feel a little more comfortable there I feel like that's my home turf me too let's save ourselves the trouble to interject part of how I wrote these was with the covers

of Choose Your Own Adventure novels which are such a unique kind of crazy because they tried to cram liberal interpretations of every plot point of the book onto one image and it made no sense like it should just be one

tantalizing image like you're a spy or something but they would always just cram like ok here's a cobra there's a vampire here's your mom and she's mad at you everything that happens in the book so this is a reference to the cover had an actual Taj Mahal next to an Alpine mountain

yeah like they weren't all like I had to do the old thing to like make it mesh with the story but I would try to include like an image around each choice and that would sort of decide the way that the next part went

that's a little look behind the process we are in the mountains you scrabble up the sheer cliffs of the frozen mountains though it is a long and arduous journey you eventually reach its highest peaks winded half frozen but alive alive

alive you turn and scream to the onlookers weird that there are onlookers atop this frigid peak there's no time to worry about that though because now those onlookers are growing ant faces one particularly fat horrible mant turns to you and chitters something threatening you screech and stumble

swatting at the phantom helicopters that suddenly swarm the skies above you they are the size of large birds and all have mother's face have your mother's face you have to get out of here this place is no good the mother copters have found it like it's a hipster bar

like it's like once the mother copters find the bar the fucking place is totally dead yeah once then the trip hop yeah once your mom found portis head like that was it scene is dead man

trying to explain trying to explain portis head to your mom that's almost as bad as the 12 year old you masturbate to this don't you son yeah but it's not about that that's not why I brought it you here today to listen to it in the living room swatting at the air and screaming about your mother

for reasons you can no longer remember and indeed may have never have existed you stumble into the city drawing the suspicious glares of passerby help there after me you grab the first man you find by the lapels only to find his lapels have grown tiny hands and grabbed you right back

get your filthy coat flaps off me monster whoa there son alright slow down who's after you I blue something uh blue I think blue are you on drugs son the man with the grabby lapels inquires

his voice gentle with concern son oh god oh no is this your dad is this your dad a filthy jacket hander don't judge me dad blue is after me blue just as you speak their name there they are two great shifting blobs

one powder blue one tall one short rapidly closing in on you to your left is an ancient bomber sitting unattended on a narrow strip of runway to your right a car idles it's driver nowhere in sight if you hijack the plane click here if you steal the car good lord

is that a delorean dude steal that car do it click here do it I think we're being led here yeah sometimes I mean I trust Rockway he's always trying to trick us he's trying to kill us oh I took the delorean you slide into the driver's seat of the delorean

taking a moment out of your busy schedule to swing those sweet going doors open shut a few times and yell some misremembered back to the future quote at nearby onlookers then you mash the pedal to the floor getting jiggy with it na na na na na na na na

you holler almost instantly followed by I don't know how to drive this car but you do not crash indeed the car practically steers itself in all corners at breakneck speeds madly accelerating to a velocity that no earthly conveyance should dare this speed

it is incredible it is in defiance of physics of all the laws of nature and man you feel as if you are about to burst through the thin cosmic scum that separates our universe from the next just when you begin to black out probably from the extreme g-forces and not at all the onset of calorean bee

reactor coating poisoning the car screeches to a sudden halt triumphant noble erotic like the mighty metal erection of some half buried transformer is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen an unguarded space shuttle if you heed the call of adventure

and hijack you a god damn honest to god space shuttle click here if for some reason you don't do that and then this story has lost all respect for you and you will only insult you from here click here space shuttle I am no pussy let's do a space shuttle

I am not going to listen to some book talk shit at me you get the theme you can always navigate the adventures as long as you make the non pussy but not smart decision I don't know how to pilot this shuttle you cry as the g-forces hurl you backward

into your seat the focus fury of the boosters were below you like stolen fire from the sun itself through the view screen in front you can see nothing but the stars you are content for wanting of nothing because you know you're finally on your way to them

click here we don't even get a choice we're just going to the stars here we are space wondrous awful silent vast an ocean of black envelops you like cold amniotic fluids suspending you in the austere womb of the universe

there are no words luckily you're a poet I'm all up in space like it's your mom you shout to nobody in particular even though the exclamation was addressed to nobody in particular you still sense that whoever it is was disappointed in you

no time to dwell on that or indeed any of your mistakes ever because you're just too busy making no one's suddenly your ship is wracked by a terrible impact if you jump on the comms to try to negotiate a peace with your mystery attackers click here if you instead obey the golden rule instantly attack whatever attacks you

click here yeah I mean easiest choice easiest choice yeah diplomacy didn't go well I'm kidding we didn't choose diplomacy it's just a little joke on my part you swivel around to peer through the portholes on the starboard side or wait is that the star holes

on the port board side what you first took to be the serene blue of earth's oceans far below soon resolves into two much closer blobs one short one tall they followed you those blue bastards followed you all the way into space where the cannons on this thing you slap at a series of buttons

so unresponsive they may as well be painted on the shuttle rocks from another terrible blow my god if you're going if you're going out it's at least going to be in somebody's face you take a deep breath steal your resolve and swiftly step out of the airlock before any pesky survival instincts

can buzz kill this awesome move the frozen void consumes you instantly it chills you to your core it sucks the very life from your pores but you still manage to crawl up the side of the shuttle and find the cannon cannon housing before the red tide at the edge of your vision drowns you

you wretch the before it drowns you you wretch the barrel free from its housing swivel about and manually mightily madly fired into the blue they say there is no sound in space but you swear you can hear the bastard curse your name no choices here

clicking here just keep going we're on this path on a roll now you open your eyes to find yourself in a featureless white room before you sits a portly elderly gentleman who probably doesn't like being called portly let's call portly see what happens click here

let's show some restraint for once I don't think I'm going to do that where yeah let's call him portly yeah yeah he didn't like it we we don't get a choice here we're just going to click here keep going is this heaven you asked the

portly man he shakes his head this is the scandia family fun center or more specifically this is the detention room at the scandia family fun center I wish I could say I was surprised you reply but we both knew that's how this would end well it is

the eighth time we've had to detain you he concedes honestly I don't know how you keep getting in here we've got pictures up everywhere fake mustache you answer and then seeing his confusion you clarify over the real mustache I guess that makes as much sense as anything he sighs

but wait what did I do wrong I was minding my own business huffing soviet area reactor paint with minors he interjects if you give an inspiring speech protesting your innocence click here if you choose to play dumb which is really super easy for you click here

hey we have the the fake mustache we have the fake mustache on top of the real mustache that's true is that's like a theme of today and I think it's going to be yes I I'm going to interject one into yours

oh and I suppose huffing chloron be with tweet with tweens is a crime now you scoff yes absolutely in 38 countries just possessing is considered an act of treason in most eastern most of eastern europe I don't think anybody's even attempted to share it with children before I think they've had to invent

an entirely new form of crime for that well moral crimes aside you continue I wasn't doing anything illegal until those sinister men started chasing oh those blue guys were park security weren't they yep well that's all you need to hear time to click

here and hoof it if you instead wait around to hear the portly man explain all of your own shenanigans back to you because it'll be hilarious click here what do you want to do here should we should we cheese it or should we do we want to hear our own stories are the stories

of a hero repeated back to him your first tough choice see I feel like Brock was trying to trap us with our own narcissism could be could be I think we should let him okay let's uh let's hear the stories of your

but what of all my adventures the exotic locales my features daring do you ask well I don't know anything about that what I do know is that you rampage through the mini golf course right the Taj Mahal you nod stole a go-kart the DeLorean you chuckle and ramped it into the blaster

boat pool space you realize sadly at which time you turn the blaster boat tennis ball cannons on park security officers then tried to drown yourself so they would not take you alive which reminds me family fun center park security officers are on in no way authorized to use deadly

force what wait they're not of course not they're not even licensed security guards they're mostly just teenagers with canes of Febreze covered in electrical tape to look like mace you know from a distance with the revelation that you're not in any actual trouble here you take it easy and buddy up to

the portly man dude just looks like he needs a buddy click here with the revelation that this place is practically unguarded you see your chance and click here to seize it I don't want to be friends with this man yeah agreed he's so lonely I want to be his king

then I'm taking this you declare snatching the briefcase from his desk and sprinting out the door that's just my lunch and a paperback he yells after you my daughter was bringing it to me but it's too late you're already creating out of control side-swiping a plaster windmill and falling

headlong into a Winnie the Pooh themed birthday cake sorry birthday party make way you yell at the crying children followed almost immediately by I don't know how to run these feet the end so we won

you won you did it you understood the logic of them can I just say for the record that was awful and I hated it for real why I hated sitting here listening to it you know what it might be

the problem might have been um I don't know if you were there on the day but like the delivery may have not have been good I think the delivery was fine I think just like when I write things in text I don't expect them to be read back to me at this point

which was just crazy because I'm trying to learn how to do that now with like screen I liked a lot of Soren's retakes like when he you know I got let me do that again it was always the right decision and uh you've got great acting I thought you I thought you did great on

it I think I just really didn't expect it like I haven't had somebody sit there and read like an article back to me ever well no that's not true it has happened before and I've hated it every time that's what I like about this episode is I feel like we're all

going to hate it a little bit especially since we're like since it's all really old and like we're just much different people and probably better writers now right that's just occurring to me is that you set this up to be miserable yeah this is like your master plan I just realized it

I just wanted to get together with some old friends get very unhappy and then call it a day and make them hate themselves in their past work just bring them free everybody down a peg you're not so happy it worked it really worked

I really liked it I thought a lot of great callbacks even in the path we took who knows if they work if we maybe it maybe it sucks if we pick different choices but yeah it's good stuff I tried to make like testing jokes that that layer which is

why these things take me so fucking long is that layer like through the choices every once in a while there will be like an inexplicable one just because I can't figure out a way to do it but I want to want to keep the joke and I'm not I'm not man enough to just cut it is that like a issue

you have because I think an art teacher told me that the the most important thing you can do for a piece is like find your favorite part and take it out which is obviously shitty advice but I think there's some truth to part of it that like the worst interpretation of Kill Your

Darling yes I've ever heard that's trying to say you might love a piece you might love a piece a lot but you should take it out if it doesn't work yes obviously but it's not saying like find the best part of what you've done and kill it

it's somebody that just doesn't understand she's a teacher right like you got a favorite dog right you got a favorite pet kill it I have a feeling it's such generic advice that everyone's trying to like put their own spin on it and they just like went too far to try to sound more interesting than other people

but yeah but you have a problem taking stuff out that usually not but every once in a while you see one like I saw the karate one there was something in there about karate I was like oh that was from the other choice like I probably should have gone back through and cut it but I didn't

I'm assuming it was a funny line it stands up to hubris it stands alone on its own I like I also had this conversation well then I did nothing wrong so that was a reference to him saying how karate he was and then later calling back to it I think if you

had taken the other ban if you tried to explain let's go back if you tried to explain tricking you just click the end it should take you back to the beginning if you I guess it was a standalone line I don't know okay I thought I thought it was in another choice but uh I don't pay attention to my own work I guess do you make

so many edits that sometimes later you can't remember like what you left in and yeah I think that's what's happening now like I make so many edits or do so many passes that I then think or I've moved something I'm like I don't know my work as well as the people people will come to me especially with something longer

like a book people will come to me and talk about a section I'm like uh okay that was in the book? that made the cut? okay I'll say something there like that wasn't in the book ah fuck I don't know my own book as well as you do for reading it

because I have every version of that book in my head the first time I met Sean Baby we talked about writing articles we were commiserated with each other because we were both writing a weekly column at that time and I basically learned at that point that he was like the James Joyce of

of online comedy where he would like agonize over a sentence for a day or like longer and just like change it back change it something else change it back and forever and I mean it shows in the work obviously because it's all very very funny and it like feels very effortless

but I think for him it's probably just agonizing and not fun at all and I'm totally sure why you were doing it it's like it was fun for you oh yeah nobody likes writing right? no I mean I I mean do you like

writing soren what's wrong with you I love it I love it so much the words just flow out of me it's like a celebration of myself all the time I'm just on the refrigerator moving the magnetic poetry around just ah the whimsy

that was another genius that was another backhand compliment that my mom once gave me which was well I can tell you had a lot of fun writing it oh my god Jesus so the article I'm going to be reading

is one soren wrote about it's called excerpts from my erotic novel about my co-workers and it's got a lot of cracked staffers and I'm going to go to the link what a great choice what a great choice to accentuate the trap and I'm going to go to

cracked to read it so my laptop is going to kind of overheat our audio engineer Jamie French will probably be able to take the sound out but if you hear like a boat engine behind me that's just because my laptop does not

it's just my data being mined just trying to handle the new site crack there's so many pop-ups and things I'm fighting through already okay so this is from November 6 2012 so that's 74 years ago yeah oh my god it was that long ago

dear colleagues Ralph Waldo Emerson once said people do not deserve to have good writing they are so pleased with the bad this November thousands of people will crack the spines on new notebooks or open empty word docs to write chapter one at the top of a blank page while

praying that Emerson was right as you likely know November is national novel writing month in which participants attempt to write 50,000 words of a novel in just 30 days there's no prize for winning save for the knowledge that you thought of so many words and in a row yet

Yano Ramo has proven through its explosive popularity that we can never underestimate the willingness of people to clumsily pile sentences together even when no one is listening and they have nothing to say now now no Ramo I'm going to try to get that

right because I think I might have never tried to say it out loud. Everybody's saying it now I just you know okay and with any luck this year I will be one of those people me being soaring in this case I am participating in now no Ramo but I'm aiming for a more tangible prize

than a 400 KB document cluttering up my hard drive I want some goddamn money I've opted to write a novel in the only genre that guarantees to sell regardless of quality hardcore erotic fiction really taking them to the mat here I don't know if you remember

my intros but I would punish you in my intro and then dare you to keep reading just fuck you all of literature here we go it is the most unread part of any article like if you're going to put something controversial there throw it in the intro no one will read it

yeah definitely it started just becoming self-aware with them sometimes they would just reference that you're not reading them and insult you for doing that you fool what are you doing the article's down there start at the numbers there's an editorial note here

there's no such thing as a picture of the picture of jennadill's high-fiving even if there were you already know we wouldn't run it and that's underneath a typewriter ribbon printing sex that was the clip art they found the classic crack structure of having a little

getty images with a cute punchline that's when we actually had to stop using just whatever google people started suing us and we were like oh okay yep I remember those emails where it's like oh man that's going to really change my process it really changed the process

now I have to look at fucking stock images and think of punchlines that was a worse below I've provided excerpts a taste a kiss of the stylishly subtle romance novel I've been working on the past few days and I'm hoping as writers you can offer me some feedback

if you help me now I assure you that when naked as fuck hits the shelves and everyone at your local airport is clamoring for a copy I will give you one for free as a disclaimer all of the characters and circumstances are fictional and born from my spectacular imagination so it's no use trying to find real world analogs of any of them

they simply don't exist now light a few candles and settle into the most arousing chair in your home or office because you're in for a tender treat if you are in the bathtub get out of the bathtub you know better than to put your computer that close to the water we talked about how dangerous that is

use your head for God's sake chapter three is Don O'Bangen and the animatronic poke this is has a picture of Daniel O'Brien with a very poorly photoshopped mustache on him I think that's what I'm looking at

oh burn it's not as easy for us we just got done talking about that it's intentionally poor it's okay I'm the big swing and dick of photoshop I know how to use the transparency filter on a layer I'm looking at the article as well

and it loaded just to Dan's eyebrows before freezing I think that's James poke behind him which is actually a good photoshop you did a little blur on it to put him out of focus very nice it looks like a cat might be jumping at him from what I can see

it seems like an attacking cat I have some ads on the side it looks like furniture and gold coins not something I buy so I don't think these are very well targeted with the last circuit soldered the heap jolted Don flipped up the face of his welding helmet

and stared what had seconds ago been only a collection of wires and twisted metal convulsed now into something more something living an arm flailed then found its course and righted itself slowly irrefutably making its way to the being's heart the skinless jaw fell open

as if to breathe glory glory hallelujah it sang Don mouthed the words along with it whisper Don, I know I know who you are I built you with Monroe, with Pierce, even with Grant

he had been detached he had fingered their wires and turned their screws with the cold calculations of an engineer but with poke it was different there was love he had savored the creation he had birthed poke like a mother Don loved presidents but he set out to do in four years had a way of standing out from the pack

you can't rush that Don you can't rush the really good ones the being's eyes rolled in its metal head searching the room searching for understanding searching for eyelids I'll complete your face soon I just I had to see you

Don played with the flat head screwdriver as he spoke this is home you live here now the hall of presidents poke's head fell to one side his gaze landing on Adams or maybe Washington it's hard to tell I turned the others off for now to give us some privacy said Don I am James K. Polk

it said again I am Don O'Bangen allowing his hand to rest on the cold steel of poke's animatronic cheek it gave you life I am your God and once I've added the rest of your artificial skin I'm going to make love to you slowly

I just Don struggled to find the right words I just wanted you to know first so it could be special and then there's a picture of a torso an android torso with some of the flesh missing on the abs and it says

Don will be sure to coat all the important parts first so it's got titties and a pelvis is what the caption is referring to what a good did you photoshop that at all or was that just now I have inexplicable stock I found it and then the quote came out the little excerpt came after it

and I was just like we might be the only people in the world who can truly appreciate the good stock image just perfect the being stared then nodded just as it was programmed to do Don had not

anticipated how arousing it would be to see Polk like this unfinished and truly naked in a way that no human could ever be best of all only Don would ever see the president every president in such an intimate way and had Polk any lips he would have too this is the best jab in the world

Don glory glory hallelujah sang the robot our God is marching on wow that is very powerfully erotic so what did Dan think of that did he know that might have been a him reference

we've never spoken are we sure about that can you be sure that was a Dan reference yeah he and I have never talked about this article once in fact I don't think I've talked to any of you about this after I wrote it

well now you have to and Chris Buckles is on your podcast Chris Buckles is fairly mean I do think next quick question with Sonia Daniel you could ask him hey you know I know you fuck robots right that would be a great question to hit him with

just so I know which robot would which president from the hall presidents would you fuck and why would it be Polk so Dan we've never talked about this how erotic did you find the erotic fiction I wrote about

you he'd be like I always love to talk to people about that he would know what you're talking about but he would pretend he didn't I would give him a scale of interaction and be like just point to one how big of an interaction was it

so this is chapter 6 Rubber Buckway and the soul of the Native American princess stuck in a coyote and then there's a picture a very handsome gentleman with another poorly photoshopped mustache by a fire

his face is familiar but I can't place it this is the fake mustache over the real mustache, number 2 that's right it was there 6th night in the canyon but the first that they needed a fire

rubber poked at the cinders and estimated that her tribe would be a day and a half behind them and gaining she stood at the edge of the darkness behind the fire polling and sensory information humans have no access to if only her people could see what was right in front of them if only they bothered to open their eyes

and recognize this was an unstoppable inescapable force of love that bound these two together well technically these three together if you count the coyote she was trapped inside but some people are afraid of the truth they're not willing to look it in the face eye to eye and kiss it on the lips

it will frost in the morning said rubber we will keep each other warm said the princess telepathically do you want some more mescaling rubber asked no she said in the back of his skull but I think you should have more

okay he relented minutes or maybe nights later the yips started distant at first and then closer just beyond their camp the princess yipped back communicating with the wild beasts she polled at her makeshift leash he could see it written in her bristling fur

in her steaming breath she wanted to be with them and then there's a picture what looks like a coyote because maybe maybe it's a wolf and it says crush you biology as the caption it says well into the radio

but I still want to include them it's part of the trap it's part of the trap it's part of the discomfort we're making each other feel today how are you doing so are you enjoying hearing your words I'm just like

I'm in another place I'm disassociated I'm in the other room perfect okay so just like that then Rubber shouted to keep his voice from quivering after everything I did for you she tugged again howling now to the shadows beyond the fire

you want to run off and be with them fine fine go ahead but know that I cared about you more than anything in the world I adored you I adored you he pulled this knife from its sheath and severed the rope that bound the two together like veins to a heart

like the invisible tendrils of love you misunderstand she said because that was his name I'm not calling to them because I want to go I'm calling because they are other princesses trapped in the bodies of coyotes and I want them to know you as the hero I've come to love

as she spoke true to her word the other Indian ghosts encroached from the darkness in the form of wild dogs their teeth bared in reverence for rubber they think you are the most handsome man they've ever seen she said they want to know if you'd be willing to have an orgy with all the princesses

that means have sex with all of them at the same time I know what orgy means I think it's a good idea then yeah sure let's do that he agreed he could never say no to her with everyone in agreement the dogs rushed at him in a fit of passion

longing just to touch him to feel him to absorb him they all pulled in separate directions ripping at his clothes kissing at his face with their jaws as one being they tumbled around in the dust between sandstone walls loving one another tactlessly violently he felt the playful bites of the coyotes as they explored

his body eager to have rubber inside them tearing at his flesh in a flurry of passion be patient he said but with his mind because his throat was being carried off in the frothing mouth of some princess we have a day and a half at least

very sexy it was pure ecstasy sorry very sexy was my interjection then I saw there was another line it was pure ecstasy it was um that got a little fucked up because there was like a banner ad that got generated and it disappeared it's always

it's an interactive experience reading correct now correct will that there's no better way to amplify a joke to hide it behind a banner ad it's making their own choose your own adventure game only now you can choose to go to

some terrible Russian site that will datamine you so now there's a colorectal treatment ad and chapter 7 crisp but gold and a long-term girlfriend breathless and flushed

crisp shifted to the other side of the bed searching with his foot for the sock that came off during their moment of fusion how was that for you he smiled what she said crisp muted the television what did you think I don't know I feel like law and order has sort of gone downhill

well of course it was good it was fun yeah I thought so too he said thinking so too I didn't know if you what are you doing with your foot my sock came off at some point I really don't like sleeping without it he said sexily why don't you just put on a new one because then I'd have an odd number

of socks in my drawer and when I got to the last one I'd have to wear one dirty one clean sock and I wouldn't remember which one was the cleanest of all the dirty socks so I just have to guess and then there's a picture of socks and the caption says and none of them match anyway which is again a cute little timing

when you're reading the article but it does not work as a radio play I apologize they sat in the 930 darkness just feeling their hearts slow and their bodies cool he turned to her meaningfully passionately she said nothing because she didn't have to they could just look in one another's eyes and see the long straight path of love

stretched out before them like an empty highway on a cloudless day they could see their entire combined future or at least they would have if she hadn't already fallen asleep Chris wasn't ready to join her just yet though no not that night that night he would stay up and read for a while because

he started work later than she did the following morning that one's very erotic and you wait you thought that one was was meaner than the one where I had tried to have sex with like eight coyotes where you're on mescaline and you get eaten by coyotes you thought this one was meaner yeah well you

yeah this one's the meaner one this one feels the most true you're at no point going to mistake a coyote for a Native American princess and then get eaten by a bunch of coyotes I don't think but I assume that this happens for Chris regularly I thought this was in response

to that story I told on the podcast did you do mescaline with some coyotes? maybe I did based on what I forgot yes I did this has been a Brockway fact no follow-up questions maybe I did

maybe I did that and then to cover my own tracks forgot it would be crazy if you guessed the story I told on the one of the cracked podcast with Jack just making fun of me you would have nailed me to the wall

if that is what happened are you up for telling what happened or is that off-limits as a Brockway fact no follow-up question this is starting to learn the rope legally binding these are rules for me too the next one

they are legally binding legally binding this next chapter is called chapter 9 shorn body and the avalanche like shorn body there's a picture of a guy he's got a neon orange mohawk I mean he's okay

he's a little fuckable but like his mustache is falling off so you can almost see the mysterious man underneath it's pace quickened the giants of the forest those 100 year old pines that surrounded the hillside moaned and flexed under the raw power shorn body held his breath

and plunged deeper still into the layers that went untouched throughout all those lonely winter months down in the sensitive darkness of the deep of the depth whore the avalanche groaned pulling him in closer and suffocating with his desire wait am I fucking an avalanche in this

I'll keep going okay okay and even as he rolled pantslets between the moist pockets and jagged debris like a tongue in a mouth he knew that this couldn't continue this is the last time he thought I'm with Carol now and I love her

I can't keep fucking avalanches like this hahahaha and then there's a picture of an avalanche that says even the really hot ones which again, it lands great on the website it just becomes a hurdle every time

it comes an added hurdle there is something special about I make fun of that structure but it is a great way to sort of like just follow up a punchline with sort of a cooldown and then like spring back into something else well it was also mandated to us oh really

I tried to do a few columns that didn't have enough images and they would come back and be like well they wouldn't even say anything they just have one of the contractors put the images in and make their own jokes and I hated that so much that I had no choice but to start doing it myself

we all had to do our own our own images because you end up reading one of your articles and be like what the fuck is this and I'm sure they did great work but I still just because I'm an arrogant maniac I hated it

so I had to go back in fair enough anyway shorn body pulled himself to the surface and scanned the devastation the avalanche had stopped just short of a chalet and standing outside the front doors with her arms folded

warm tears forming in her eyes was carol shorn body sighed knowing that this wasn't the kind of problem he could solve just by throwing sex at it sure our sore bony stepped out from the lodge behind her laughing as the sun glinted off the 160

white teeth in his mouth wrapped his masculine arms around the midsection of carol's ski suit what sorry I haven't read this before this is very shocking his father owned this mountain and now bony owned her

he was just waiting for shorn body to slip up like this it was going to be the worst Christmas vacation ever unless of course sore was up for a little race a race that could solve everything this is great let me know what you think so so on just perfect

just a perfect ending compelling leaves us wanting more I felt a little betrayed there at the end but at least I can win carol back at the big ski race you got your chance again with carol and you get your chance to turn your back on the avalanches even when they seduce you again

I mean the book's written at this point there's no turning back already sold the rights already sold the rights but very very fun sorry I didn't do it

justice in some parts no no no that was a wonderful reading we're coming into all of these cold and that was outstanding for a cold reading that was wonderful it's very nice of you to say and you say disassociated did you ever get

brought back in by your own magic words I've got brought back in by the word Indian that's for sure you don't have to go back too far in time to find out oh wow we just all spoke in hate crime in 2012 yeah it's amazing how fast that changed

fast you're like oh wait are we terrible oh yes we are terrible I have not read mine for several years I know that you guys used the word right once

not in the context of a human but of an octopus which I think was soft on it but that's another word that we just would throw that around wouldn't it be funny if at the end of this joke somebody got raped and it would just be like 2007's crack joke

it was just like nothing it was just like yeah just another one on the pile think about it because that was just how bad we were and we were very bad but it was very bad and it was a very bad time I think you just didn't think of things like that there'd be like an elk I did an article where I was matching an elk

and I called it a slut and I looked back and I'm like I don't think I should have used that word probably that doesn't help the joke we were not the heroes going against the flow that we thought we would be I think we have about five years left where we could make a slut joke right

but I think the clock is ticking I think get them in now and be sure to know that you will be looking back on them in 2030 being like oh my god did I call that elk a slut? you'll be hurriedly deleting your articles yes

so the last one is an article I wrote it was about a fighter named Kazuyuki Fujita I think it was a pretty big hit on crack not huge number wise but I was very proud of it and people seemed to like it and it was about a fighter who

had a very thick skull and in fact in Japan sometimes during fight promotions they would show X-rays of his skull like cartoon X-rays to demonstrate how he has this genetically strange skull and that was his thing

yes a lot of people in the comments were like this is a Simpsons episode this is how Homer Box is but I did not copy the Simpsons by writing a biography of this fighter so anyway that's the setup reality did not copy the Simpsons

I also didn't title this another thing a lot of people probably know if they were big cracked readers we had sort of a guy we called title guy you never knew who was responsible but titles were often like SEO'd to take what very perfectly described your article

and turned into something that was like more clickable obviously a word casserole of clickbait and it did work to be fair yes that was the point that it worked and it did work and that's all you could tell it was necessary for people to keep their jobs

but it was not good for the art and this is a great example of a title that is very cute and clickable but is not how I would describe this article so I'll let you start whenever you're ready let's see how my Japanese does Kazuyuki Ironhead Fujita

made a fighting career out of having a thick skull this is that skull's story like many mixed martial artists Fujita started as a wrestler unlike many mixed martial artists he never learned a second skill it would take him 60 minutes to describe to you what he thinks a kick is

and he attempts submission holds the same way he tries on hats confusedly pulling in random directions with no results that's because his skull is measurably thicker than a normal skull if you were to take an x-ray of it you'd fire your medical equipment

by filling a cement truck with coconut sperm and no one was more surprised than that cement truck since he was diagnosed with this head he has been searching for the man who would one day destroy it I understand many readers don't follow or relate to the sport of mixed martial arts but those readers are in luck because I speak fluent nerd

each section will have a nerd's planation to help everyone enjoy this skull's terrible and ridiculous journey was this something you guys were insecure about things like this? you guys have a lot of interest outside the field of nerding did you ever read an article and be like

you're not going to know what the fuck I'm talking about yeah yes but I never stopped right I never listened I would occasionally check in with Jack I felt like I was aggressively doing it sometimes I wrote several articles

about fixing up old cars can you imagine something that a young man on the internet in like 2010 gives a shit about last just goes on their comedy website but you never know who's that that's going to hit with yeah and stuff like that it's good to teach

of course so I guess I try to do a little of that because I love mixed martial arts but it's like meeting a stranger and saying hey I like mixed martial arts it's like ten years ago it was absurd to think that they also liked it it's just a very rare thing for people to be into

but you predicted the future and enjoy it now if you would have told them that the guy from news radio is the face of mixed martial arts and being stupid and hot they might buy the second one yeah fujita skull vs mark care

the birth of ffs and it's a picture of him getting just obliterated in the face with a knee and it says ffs fighting tip number glap the face is the strongest part of the human body see yeah it does not work

on a radio play in fujita's fourth professional fight he faced 260 veiny pounds of world-class wrestling and emotional issues named mark care using a style of kickboxing based around the tango and signaling rescue planes fujita hopped around like a scarecrow

in gunfire while mark care blasted him in the face with punches and knees mark care wasn't exactly bruce lee himself but when you bench press 600 pounds your paw through the air is going to knock salmon out of the river for every two miles third explanation

to put the damage fujita's face took into perspective steroid users couldn't measure their dicks for an entire year when mark care hit a button on a calculator and killed the number two i'm sure you've seen it it's such a long walk okay here's the setup i got a really good joke

you guys gotta sit down and wait for it hold on i'll get there just chill out we always have the breath control to get to the punchline these are not meant to none of this was meant to be read out loud that's what i was saying with mine

sometimes the joke is how long it goes on for three minutes everything either fighter did resulted in a hard part of mark care getting smashed into fujita's medically impossible head it looked like an industrial training video on how to turn a human into soup

using just one naked man if i was fujita's family i would have already been ordering a box of gorilla sized diapers and flashcards so he could relearn all our names but this face suicide was all part of fujita's plan after five minutes of savage anaerobic

assault mark care's brain and body agreed that it was time to give up he went fetal and fujita punched the back of his head for ten minutes which in back of the head time is fucking forever the surprising win led to the invention of the fujita fight system

which would serve him well through his career let's go over the basics one, receive beating until opponent falls asleep two, maul opponent's unconscious body three, realize that the celebration banana was a trick and that you've once again been led into a cage

for safe transport your face fujita fujita's skull vs. ken's shamrock helmet laws are for pussy ffs fighting tip number half nobody can punch forever it's an image of somebody punching fujita attempting to go forever

these are really bad images 2010 it was so hard to find good footage of these obscure japanese promotion fights yeah it's always like your best guess at what an image is i'm pretty sure that's what that is but honestly that could be too anybody's doing anything

i'm 20p like thumbnail i found somewhere i realize you've added the additional hurdle for yourself with this particular article and that a lot of your articles were very funny in that you would watch something happen in martial arts and you would know without context you're like oh i think i understand what's going on there

and then your explanation would just make it hilarious and very very funny and you don't have that luxury here either that's true this is the worst idea for a podcast anyone's ever had but you're learning a lot about us and the things we hate

so that's this was such a trap that closed on all of us now you have to look up from the bottom of the pit with the spikes going through you going what have i done maybe i miscalculated a little bit

next fujita fought ken shamrock throughout ken's long MMA career this is easily the greatest performance he has ever had he unloaded on fujita every punch and kick of every combination landed exactly on fujita's chin i swear fujita

mailed ken shamrock a list of every movie he was going to do and ken got together with jon claude van dam to plan the most destructive and beautiful ways to counter them jon claude van dam maybe did a little consulting on fujita's side too since the only move that fujita

landed in the entire fight was a crotch attack this showdown continued for six minutes ken shamrock's extensive martial arts training versus a mixup in fujita's head dna but shamrock was no match for ffs something strange happened

ken beat this man so hard that he, no bullshit started having heart palpitations in his corner through that's really what happened that's not a joke i it doesn't suck when reality makes

the best punch life seriously fujita took a beating so severe that the man doing it had a goddamn heart attack i guess it was a strategy devised by his stand-up coach anna nicol smith's vagina that was such a good reference when it was written

you know people knew who that was she hadn't like begun the long slow descent quite quite as hard but she married a mummy and like she did it in front of everybody and she had to go through the motions of like no i love him and his sweet

hard cock and he's just like who said that like a leg's falling off like it was a full on undead creature in a wheelchair and she was anyway that's who that is and that's what that joke is

it was a good joke at the time it worked it worked at the time just take our word for it it's also such a such a long walk like it's like nine concepts to mix together like like when you're reading it the reader can like stop and think and like make it all make sense but just plowing

through an article like this it's just like what the fuck was that anna nicol's vagina thing what the i know the frog is desiccated but please dissect it anyway class it's really important that you understand what we're looking at here and while doctors were treating ken shamrock

the only thing that was heard on fujita was the team of archaeologists that happened to be exploring his skull's uppermintal at the time nerdsplanation when creating characters in video games you often have to make sacrifices for example your rogue doesn't have enough

points to learn mutilate and killing spring it's the same thing when scientists create igneous skull punching bag monsters if you spring for invincible head there aren't enough points left over to put into agility fujita actually has a negative 65 to dodge

which means cars instinctively swerve into him and it takes him 10 minutes and a man shaped hole in the wall to get through a doorway the nerdsplanation i'm realizing now is actually less helpful for me because i don't understand any d&d references

you're losing soren in two directions no no no the first one i was like got it that's very funny this is good this is good and then the nerdsplanation happens and i'm like oh see i thought i understood it but i'm not so sure nobody's roped you into a live let's i believe it's mandatory that you've been roped

into at least one sort of charity d&d stream at this point soren never happened? never never well that's a problem with you i know i think people they just they know they're like he doesn't know how to play he's gonna ruin it

wrote a game for it and he's gonna make sure we know it alright fujitas skull vs cro-cop fujitas skull takes a jab at the female ejaculation plane i feel like we're missing some yeah some punctuation got killed but the subtitle is

i'm assuming the site like the site butchered it there's a crazy thing that happened where we switch cms is like three times and we asked every time if there was the budget for somebody to preserve all of the old articles that we wrote and every time there was not

yeah and i would do a lot of basic html in an article like i would align an image to the left or i would create a little table or change font colors in every single time i ever tried anything like that the next cms would butcher it and then the next cms would just turn it into fucking visual puzzle

so yeah now it's just like reading abstract poetry just if you read it like slam poetry it still works japan has a childlike fascination with strange matchups if two things are stupidly different japan will put them in a cage and see what happens

all their fight cards have at least one match between a giant fat guy and something that looks like it should be making christmas toys if a man with no arms and a man with no legs started learning karate the same light bulb would appear over every head in japan that's right glue them together and see if it can kill a panda

that's a twist see i build the structure then i kick it out from under you fuck you reader patented shan baby twist through their own experiments every japanese parent knows exactly how many rhinoceros beetles you have to put in a baby's crib to make it a fair fight

and i guarantee you that when the first cheeseburger comes to life japan will throw in the ring with a sumo wrestler before it ever gets a chance to lead us to our better lives in the sky so it's no surprise that fight promoters decided to put him in the ring with crow cop take the man with the crazy hard head and put him in the ring with the guy who kicks

heads crazy hard the result might surprise you partially exploded head and an explosion of blood and duh crow cop measured fujita's slow motion takedown attempts and threw a knee into his eyeball just as he was coming in fujita didn't even notice

it takes so long for light to reach the center of his head that he wouldn't even know one of his eyes was gone for 11 minutes so all he did was finish the takedown and try to drown crow cop in ocular blood the referee had to inflate a life raft just to paddle over and stop

the fight i would have at this point i probably would have cut the last part it's it's cute i don't hate it but it like steps on the better punch line just as a writer yeah ocular blood was better it's not bad yeah like i said but you also had to say that he had that's

also how you say they stopped right i had some information i had to get in there that's probably why i left it in nerdsplanation for a japanese fight promoter fujita's cranium is like a boss monster they're seeing for the first time they are so compelled and excited to destroy it but the only thing they can do

is hit it with every weapon in their inventory until something works this was their eureka moment holy water bounces off ifrit hits for zero bubble lead actually heals him fuck look at how much crow cop took off did that nerdsplanation make sense to you sarin

oh my god any part of it it's so foreign to me it's like it's like i had a stroke or i'm in a dream and i'm trying to read because i'm reading along too and i'm like no these words make sense i'm sure of it i'm sure of it gotta make sense well bubble lead is actually from mega man

so earlier when brockwave was talking about mega man you didn't know what he was talking about then either did you mega who? i'm familiar with the idea of mega man and i know that he has some really cool antagonists that are like when has scissors on his head

yeah that's cut man he'll throw those scissors at you i just looked at the progress bar motherfucker you brought me a 5000 word i have to read 8 times longer than anybody else this is actually

physically destroyed oh my god we're on page 4 of 10 we're not making any progress this way if someone would stop interrupting to say here's the decisions i would have made now as a writer versus 10 years ago you'd be fucking done i was considering

slowing down to make it easy on myself and now i have this sophie's choice decision of which way am i going which part of myself am i going to give up fujita's skull versus crow cop again we must destroy that which we love see i picked up your hidden in semi colon

i'm trying to decipher this extremely low res image crow cop has him in a front headlock well fujita's like on a fetal position on the ground and crow cop is just bashing his head with knees just fucking his head up

like as hard as you can knee someone he's got his leg all the way back and drives his knee the full length of his own body into his head martial artists will never find a way to knee someone harder than this this is it this is the maximum of human body can inflict knee damage

and it says ffs fighting tip number flup fighting isn't always the answer i like the number flup no notes on that after engineers designed a needle capable of it they stitched fujita's skin back together and he was given a rematch against crow cop

fujita should win this one right i mean what are the chances that something with almost 100% uncertainty will happen twice in what took him 29 seconds fujita watched the 18 seconds of the first fight carefully and devised the perfect plan to defeat crow cop

exactly the same thing he charged him with takedowns and crow cop countered by kneeing him in the head but instead of taking them with the front of his head he blocked them with the top of his head for crashing knee after crashing knee crow cop's giraffe legs were screaming

for fujita's spine to become paralyzed and the fucking thing was too stupid to understand ffs doesn't work against crow cop instead of throwing frantic combinations crow cop likes to take his time and throw one big kick that only gets described during a eulogy you can't tire him out or give him a heart attack

by pretending to be his soccer ball the only thing fujita's invincibility did for him in this fight was let crow cop's knees manufacture cubics arconium against his forehead until time ran out nerdsplanation imagine for a moment that scooter the go-bot that turns into a scooter

fought the constructicons if moments into the fight they formed devastator and stomped on him you'd be surprised at how simple and unsurprising it was that's what this fight was like no one could have predicted that every single obvious thing we expected would happen it's true

sometimes the thing happens you're like we expect exactly the obvious thing to happen we expect a sort of a twist expect something new we're sorry go-bots a transformer b-team

I think they might have been first but they were the one that no one liked they were kind of cheap little toys so now you get it right and the constructicons they were like little trucks yeah I think you're just bragging about how big and not nerd you are what I'm really impressed by

is your ability to straddle both worlds so effortlessly and I'm like I think I knew it at one point and I'm just sort of like realizing it again like when you fall in love with your significant other all over again where I'm like oh yeah they are special like you you knew everything about everything

that's nice to say I don't know if that's true but I do have a lot of non-nerd interests that I'm very passionate about and I'm also hardcore nerd I would argue you are a nerd for them I think anybody could be a nerd for anything that's true

we wouldn't have called ourselves that you're kind of a nerd for everything I'm like if there could be a nerd for Star Wars I would be that but you wouldn't call somebody that you call him like a Star Wars pussy magnet or something you know what I mean?

a Star Wars lethario Star Wars tough guy captain Soren do you want to tag out with me and do this next entry? we'll alternate sorry Fedor let me just preface this by saying to Fedor I'm sorry for mispronouncing your last name

Fujita Skull vs Fedor Emelianenko Emelianenko I picked the worst one Novashny that means Novashny is Russian for fuck it ok

I don't think he's Russian the fighting tip, FFS fighting tip number the FFS fighting tip number for me always remember to never change the plan by this point in his career the world now knows that Kazuyuki Fujita has only two assets

a clumsy takedown and a force field where his brain's reflexes should be so pride fighting championships decided he was ready to take on the best fighter in the world Fedor Emelianenko Nailed it fight promoters apparently give up on finding someone who could beat the guy

and now they were just using him to conduct further stress tests on Fujita's head they were sure that Fedor would be this thing to finally crack it open and allow evil scientists to reverse engineer his remains almost certainly to grow a more durable sex melon and unkillable robots to fuck them then Fujita did something that surprised even him

he almost won he landed a knee buckling counter punch that to this day is the closest anyone has come to beating Fedor you know thank you so much Sean for just using Fedor from this point forward in a waste of his body's

natural punching bag camouflage he was about to beat someone by hitting them unfortunately Fedor found a practical solution to Fujita get behind him, grab his unbreakable head and yank at the fuck off his body the official fight records call it a rear naked choke but that's like calling Tiananmen Square

a wet t-shirt contest if the ref hadn't stopped him Fedor was going to take the head home to his spaceship and polish it nerdsplanation I think the last part was already a nerd yeah I'm a nerd I got that one

did you get that reference from the reference from? yeah there's a movie called Tiananmen Square alright I'll take the next one I want to describe this image I had a lot of trouble getting this image when Vanderlei Silva fought Fujita

he like knocked him down and the soccer kicked him in the head which you're allowed to do in pride fighting in the UFC you can't kick someone when they're on the mat but in pride they don't give a shit so he would throw dudes down and kick them in the head and there's a woman in the crowd a well dressed like business lady looking lady

who's just loving it she's having the time of her life for like a good 10 seconds she's on the screen just laughing while this dude's getting his fucking head kicked off and I really wanted to capture it and I didn't do a great job but that's what the image demonstrates that's why she exclusively

attends pride fights this is what she lives for only for the stomping Fujita's skull vs. Vanderlei Silva on the wings of hope FFS fighting tip number yes no one will help you Crocop proved that Fujita's head is living tissue

over a metal endoskeleton and then Fodor proved that it will surrender if you start to sever it from its body but Japanese fight promoter still hadn't got a chance to see someone just pound on it until it cracked will it explode when you expose its core is it filled with something

that you can that you can grape with an octopus that's when it hit them Vanderlei Silva that guy hates skulls at the time the country of Japan was using Vanderlei Silva to control the fighter population and they occasionally dragged him on a chain

through the ocean to hunt whales in the least humane way possible the fight was a massacre Fujita tried every both of his techniques against Vanderlei he slowly waited to get punched and then laid on top of him without doing anything

neither worked and Vanderlei eventually got to his feet and stalked Fujita like a Japanese octopus in an all female present calling back to it he hit him as hard as you can hit someone many times and every time Fujita fell down Silva kicked him in the head as if he was going for a 70

yard field goal none of this did anything half the arena was crying since they thought they were watching one ape administer the death penalty to another and the other half was dead from shock waves Silva kept punching him down kicking him, watching him get up and starting from the top

someone outside the ring or probably just a chunk of shrapnel hit the bell and the referee declared it a knockout but Fujita was already back up before the words were out of his mouth why'd they stop it? he had Vanderlei right where he wanted him nerdsplanation

science can't explain this Vanderlei dropped a shock and awe campaign on that head and couldn't hurt it this fight was stopped only to get everyone's car alarms to shut up it had nothing to do with Fujita's safety Fujita was probably back to identifying simple shapes that very same night

good shock and awe joke in there this was in 2010 perfect timing perfect timing for a shock and awe joke 9 years after shock and awe I think we were still talking about it though because it was after Bush was out of his presidency that everyone was like

what the fuck happened and then we were all using that word we were throwing a bandy it is like I'm glad you called it out because it is kind of noticeably lazy writing for me there was a million funny things I could have put there and I just didn't

I'm just going to describe this in a really conversational lazy way rather than put a punchline it doesn't have to be a punchline though not every line has to have four but it's got enough whimsy to it that it should have been a punchline or I should have just described it more plainly but the thing is that your other lines

have six or seven punchlines in them fair enough the punchline for this line is in the line you earn a rest alright this is Fujita Skull vs James Thompson don't call it a comeback I was kind of never here

FFS fighting tip number hello not too fucking bad to describe that he's looking at James Thompson's crotch which is a thing that we'll get described in the article but yeah he's checking him out sexually oh I blew it

yeah that's what's happening and do you know what I think that the ref is getting a little peek too James Thompson is an imposing figure so imposing that during the stare down Fujita admired his abs in groin area and gave him a proving thumbs up it was unprecedentedly inappropriate but there was a science to his flirting

FFS works a lot better if your opponent comes at you at a completely incoherent homophobic rage than James Thompson did Thompson manhandled him hitting him with hundreds of unanswered punches and knees he was going to prove he wasn't gay

just every bit of his vitamin supplemented shirtless body against Fujita's beast like hide it probably smelled like a leather smoothie but gayer than it's that sounds this is wouldn't have written it I wouldn't have written that today but I will allow it

I think we got out of it without any hate crimes being committed but that is not the writing of a sensitive individual yeah the objection has been overruled nurseflination

after taking an 8 minute beating that mock mankind's entire understanding of physics and medicine Fujita started throwing his own punches drunken woman like punches oh boy oh boy oh Sean oh 2010 Sean but when you're James Thompson

and you recently spent 8 minutes heaving 550 pounds of violent meat around a ring you'll take any excuse you can get for a nap by this point at the fight Fujita came uh Fujita could have screamed boo and knocked him out but he had to save his voice he had a screaming date with Lou Ferrigno later

did current day Sean bring this article just to fight with 2010 Sean I think so I think but this is also like this is 2010 me on my best behavior like most of my articles from 10 years ago I'm just like oh this needs a lot of editing before I could show this

anyway it is a fantastic article and I love it so much and like I understand the time that it came from and what you're saying so like it doesn't bother me but it's clear that you came into this you brought this and we're just like we're all gonna get in a fight I'm gonna get in a fight with me

I honestly had no idea how this podcast was gonna go I I figured we would actually heckle ourselves more and like be really disappointed in our past writing but like I think all the writing is pretty strong it's just that uh I brought one where I'm like here's a full paragraph of a gay joke

because these it's also one of those things like MMA most casual fans sort of made gay jokes about MMA back when it first started they're like oh those dudes just end up laying on each other and grabbing each other's dicks that was the default so I'm not better than that you know what I mean

like I felt like I kind of wanted to you know when an idea like that pops in my head I'll just reject it out right I'm like it is kind of a weird thing to go up to a dude and like check out his abs and give you like hey nice abs bro and then fight there's something about that that crosses the line from like you know

I think you're right to call it out it's like a deliberate psychological warfare like he was just like yeah good job in any occupation you're not supposed to talk about the other person's body and make them feel anything about their own body right like if I was about to fistfight somebody and he was like

hey sweet dick I would lose that fight I mean I would probably lose the fight anyway but I would definitely lose that fight or maybe you would be very careful not to lose that fight you're like okay whatever happens I can't lose this fight I am actually I am mentally bookmarking that because that's

going to happen if I ever get in a fight again I'm starting it off with hey sweet dick alright Fujita Skull versus Alastair Overeem the final crusade this is an image of I'm assuming Alastair Overeem

power-kneeing the Skull directly off of his body but it does not come off and then he's laying the next panel is he's laying on the ground gripping his face screaming IHE and it says FFS fighting tip number advanced oh and then the caption was I screwed that

the caption was IHE never sure how hard to emphasize the IHEs I like that you read it like very phonetically whereas I guess IHE how do you give me your IHE I was kind of like a howie long scream is

kind of how I pictured or the Wilhelm scream I have always read it in my head as just like the letters IHE I like that's funny too I like it both ways Alastair Overeem is a Dutch kickboxer who looks like someone at Marvel Comics to romantically engineer to fuck your girlfriend

and at the end of 2009 this giant black Thor beast hit Eewerton that takes takes air Eewerton to share to share with the knee that adjusted the Earth's

tides police were already taping off Alastair's leg before Eewerton dropped face first onto the canvas with his eyes open during the replay you can actually hear the knee call gunshot wounds pussies that's another word we don't use as often as we did back then

I just used it earlier in this podcast that's probably still one of my books yeah we can't get rid of we can't scrub all of them I mean sooner or later eventually you're the racist grandpa whether you like it or not you just try to be the well-meaning racist grandpa Japanese fight promoters saw this and had a great idea

restraints that taste like fish but right before that this could be the man to finally shatter Fujita's iron head they set up the fight for New Year's Eve the 39 year old wrestler with an advantageous birth defect versus six and a half feet of death dealing emasculation

holy shit he was 39 doing this yeah he was it wow I did not picture like me in the ring trying to do this this is terrible leave this old man alone he just got lost this wasn't just a battle between genetic perfection and someone born out of head sorcery

it was possibly Japan's last chance to experiment on this skull that had given them so much joy in baffling medical data over the years just short of the literal definition the fight began with Alastair beating the shit out of Fujita Fujita has been in a constant state of what

you and I would call near death for ten years but this is the first time I've ever seen him look scared after Overeem lands two knees Fujita backs into the corner and then sheepishly tries sneaking past Alastair punches him back in the corner and lands a third knee that I swear

lights on fucking fire before it impacts Fujita goes down and parentheses link no longer functioning that's too bad the cracked link was no longer functioning and the caption is this knee that's about to light on fire with the ref running over saying

it's really you, the chosen one get a little camera strapped to his head he's cute, he looks cute here's the crazy part though, he doesn't get back up he stays on the ground holding his head as baffled as the rest of us I have a theory that the previous

17,000 blows to the head all gave him amnesia and this one Looney Tunes bonk gave his head all its memories back Japan finally got what it wanted only there was no candy surprise inside Fujita there was no tiny pilot demanding to know why you human

there was no tiny pilot demanding to know why you humans broke his apeship just a guy with a decade's worth of fist craters and bad decisions catching up to him all at the same time it'd be almost tragic if you could look away from the slow motion rippling of Alastair's muscles in the instant replay maybe I allowed myself the

the gay joke because I am full on like thirsty for Alastair Overeem's dick this whole explanation yeah that's a little bit of projection there like I felt like I was part of the community like hey gays I'm one

of you today I'm allowed to say the G word or whatever there was no tiny pilot demanding to know why you humans broke his apeship god damn it there's always one there's always one that just breaks me and that was it nerdsplanation in the secret wars

the human torch was being choked by Ultron a robot completely encased in adamantium obviously fire doesn't do much against any metal from the cool nanium family cool cool cool nanium family so torch went nova so he would at least look awesome as he died however Ultron

stopped his shell was intact but the nova flames melted something important inside him I think that's what we're dealing with here Alastair couldn't figure out how to crack Vegeta's skull so he simply hit it hard enough that everything in it turned to liquid one would imagine

that we're talking about a brain but remember this is the same man who fought all those terrifying people with his face alone would a brain come up with that plan there's still so much we don't know I say we go back to the drawing board with the Fujita skull experiments Japan I miss them already

and there is oh shit I can barely make out this comic it's not my best art for this article it's just it's just too small yeah like we had to we had to work in such small resolution I've lost the ability alright I think it's captain America

yeah it's from secret wars it's torch Ultron's got human torch and then torch goes Nova and captain America like kind of hilariously hides behind his shield while like human torch basically turns into a sun four feet from him and then I then I photoshopped in the knee hitting Fujita in the head

and then cut to human torch saying ah that's all I had but must have melted something inside of him anyway and and the picture of Fujita laying on the side laying on his side holding his head saying the end question mark he did have a few fights

after this I think he went like I think he won a couple but lost many more than he won but that was pretty much yeah insane career I can't believe he was 30 I was not picturing him being 39 that whole time you should not be medically allowed to do this

middle aged or he would be middle aged for a person not blasted in the head for a living yeah right that's beyond retirement if you get blasted in the head for a living that's the old man you've earned a rest I've always been fascinated with him as a fighter

because his reflexes truly are bad and that's watching because Ken Shamrock is not a great striker or after the dawn of UFC he did pretty well because nobody knew what they were doing but as the sport

matured he did not and so he never really looked good late in his career but he lit Fujita up like he just fucking everything he threw landed because he was just that much sharper and like faster than Fujita and if that's happening that's really really bad

so a lot of these guys would just come in and just hit him square in the jaw because I think people picture like a fight and like guys trading shots but almost all those are like bouncing off of hands and the top of your head and these are just like people fucking blasting with full power

full training on the chin like it should put him to sleep and it doesn't it would be terrifying to throw your best punch at somebody hit them and have it connect exactly the way you want it to and watch them just be like ugh I don't like that and then just keep coming

no thank you let's not do that one again in all fairness it would be terrifying to be on the other end too and just take a devastating blow and then be sitting there thinking like why am I still standing up or maybe just 70 more of those

guys gonna be tired the damage this is doing to me must be incredible this was a I think one of our best and worst shows I think we learned a lot about ourselves as I mentioned our process our regrets

part of it has actually physically destroyed me yeah I don't think this is a series we probably won't ever do this again but I do want to thank you for coming so far but you wouldn't have known it without trying I guess Soren you're a perfect guest for this because

I think insecurity is something all writers have but probably something you have less than most right as a as a rugged muscular man who grew up not a nerd you're probably walking around with some confidence some earned confidence some casual

not in writing I would say I just hide it pretty well with writing I think every writing zone is just the best writing is always terrifying and it never goes the way you want it to either by the end

you never hit that period at the end of a thing and be like yeah this is one of my best pieces you always write and you're like by the time you turn it in you're just like good enough it'll have to do

it's funny to say that I do like how this article turned out but when I just finished the first draft I was almost going to I emailed Jack because I kind of want to just push my column this week because I don't like it I just didn't even want to print it and I was going to start from scratch or something else

but Jack like really liked it he's like no no this is great he was excited I've done that to him too and he's like no no we're publishing it like I finish every article and I say to myself fuck I guess I don't know here we go just push send

or I'm never going to stop the process is always bad it's never fun it's always awful you second guess yourself at every turn and then there'll be that point there's one very specific point when you're writing comedy where you're like no no this is funny I'm a fraud

this is terrible everyone's going to know because of this one and I got to relive that point live here on this part frankfurt 1,900 frankfurt our podcast is coming

and with Maximal in jail do you say frankfurt podcast? correct the process isn't over send it to the dog for an hour come on you're kidding 1,900

1,900 frankfurt 1,900 frankfurt 1,900 frankfurt 1,900 frankfurt

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and Children Love the Meat Millie