The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 231, Cocktails with Hana Michels

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Hana Michels to trudge through a list of stage names and vague character arcs... Seriously. No wait, don't go! It's a lot more fun than it seems, especially if you're gay! And if you're listening to this podcast, well... we're not here to out anybody, but you're among allies

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900 hot dog America's last comedy website come support us on patreon.com 1-900 hot dog keep the last written comedy site alive hilarious steep dives into cursed media every single day plus bonus episodes of this podcast or Just if you want to support our other podcasts big featset, all the same spot, patreon.com slash 1-900-HOTDOG. I'm Robert Brockway, and I'm a gay bartender hiding a demonic secret. And with me is my comedy partner,

a demon hiding a gay bartending secret. I'll never tell. It's Sean, baby. It's a pleasure to be here on the Dog Zone 9000. And our guest, their religious Jewish family, doesn't know they're actually a shape-shifting shock jock called DJ Ass Jazz. It's Hannah Michaels. Welcome. Welcome, Hannah. Thank you. Thank you so much.

What are you up to? What are you working on? Where can people find more from you? I might be re-releasing my old zine, even though it was written before Trump won in 2016. And there's questionable shit in there. But I don't know. DM me for that if you want a digital copy. Other than that, I'm doing a course for writers and artists that want

to get back in touch with that part of themselves, maybe going through a block, anything like that. And you can find links to that on all my socials. It's usually just my name, H-A-N-A-M-I-C-H-E-L-S. Exactly how it sounds, Hannah Michaels. Yes, exactly how it sounds. It's never been mispronounced by like a pharmacy tech or someone at Starbucks or anyone in a service position

who's not paid enough to even try. Or me in four of our podcast intros. Oh, I mean, I don't notice Hannah anymore. I just don't. I've known too many Hannas. Like I've known Hannah after Hannah. I break people's brains. If you spend enough time with me, you will not be able to talk to those Hannas anymore. I've known many Hannahs, like I've known Hannah after Hannah. I break people's brains.

If you spend enough time with me, you will not be able to talk to those Hannahs anymore. I believe it. I like your plug. I like your plug because it feels like meaningful and important. And most of the time when we ask like, okay, what are you up to? What do you want to plug on? I'm doing a new podcast series on like Garfield thongs. Like, ah.

See. All right, that's great. I wish I was doing that. Well, now you have it. Now you have the idea, it's out there. You told me you liked that idea. A little embarrassing to find out this way that you thought that was frivolous. I'm sorry.

I just. There's some fascinating thong stories that was going to tell the people about. Listen, that zine I was mentioning is called Mom Presents. I think these guys are hot stuff, so... That's a good name. Yeah, it's $5 free for the fictional daughter that it's being written to. It is, it is the foundational, literally the foundational idea of our site that we throw out a joke thing and then we decide somebody should do that. So Garfield Thong podcast. Yeah, coming up, coming up.

Like that is actually about how we, with how we named the site, I think. Just tossing out there like, yep, Well, that would start it as a joke. Listen, we could, you know, two of the Gar friends, me and Katie Golden. We could do it. We have a mandate to do it. All right, before we go and turn this into the Garfield podcast, which it should be,

Sean, do you have anything you wanna plug? Nah, I'm okay. Love it. Well, all right, I'm okay. Love it. Well, all right, I'll take your spot then. As some of you may know, I have a new book coming out. I think it turned out really strong. I'm really proud of this one. I absolutely, I love my publisher.

I love my editorial team. Like true story, they're really good. I worked with like some of the biggest publishers. Some one of the big five. And I came to these people and was like, oh my god This is how I imagined like an editor writer relationship would be So they're great. They're great people. It's gonna be a motherfucker of a book I've been doing a bit where I refuse to promote it because there's a promo window in my contract where I legally have to promote

The book and like if you order me to do something, I'll probably comply but I'm gonna be a real brat about it. So like it was a fun bit, but we have actually finally reached that legally enforceable promo window, so I'm still not promoting it baby Still not promoting it What's it called? When's it coming out? Where can you buy it? The answer to all those questions and more is straight up your ass Go check. I want to know, I want to know lawyers. I want to know What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do now? What's it gonna take?

Yeah, what are you gonna do? Is somebody gonna send a strongly worded letter? Do it! Congratulations, by the way. We tried in that zine to get the maker of Pong to sue us. He wouldn't budge. Yeah, I want that. I want that piece of paper. I want that. I'm gonna frame it and put it above my toilet. I am unfuckwithable. I might be a mortal. Let's find out together. You and me, lawyers. Let's find out. The maker of Pong drove over a hitchhiker. I saw the whole thing.

We're gonna, we're gonna get sued eventually. I'm, I'm a mate. We did a podcast on Frank Dukes. Like, we gotta be on that We're gonna get sued eventually. We did a podcast on Frank Dukes. We gotta be on that radar. Yeah, how did we all get sued for that? He probably heard that four seconds after it went live. Pissed off the whole time. It's starting to feel like it's never gonna happen.

He's probably like shattering bricks with his karate. Like, oh, fuck, this is gonna be you, Brock. You know, I thought we had it with the director of the minis when he sent like a cease and desist on Patreon. But we like, we had to, I think we had to pull that from Patreon, but we just put it up on our own site. We're like, for something now.

And he just didn't, he just didn't do anything else. Like follow through, follow through, maniacs. We want a real nemesis. Don Diebel, pick up artist Don Diebel, tried to get the site shut down and then you sent a letter to Patreon saying, what the, look at this fucking bullshit. And they're like, yeah, you're right.

My argument was literally that he's just too pathetic for this to work and Patreon was like, yeah. Yeah, this is pretty sad. What was so great is, not to get into the myopic details, but like in the article, I was making fun of his blog and he had taken images from the article I wrote about him

and put them into his blog. Like he stole from me and then he, and I was like, that's such a funny thing to like then turn around and get mad at me. We would have a legitimate case to get his taken down if we wanted to, because he's actually using. I feel like I would a hundred percent die before I sue Don Diebel for stealing one of my images.

Like gun to my head, I would never do that. But you would purchase his grave. I'm so close to purchasing that grave. I think it's under $1,500. I think the only thing that's holding me back is how awkward it would be, because I think you have to like meet in person and like exchange the grave deed or whatever. There was some sort of a thing that's holding me back is how awkward it would be. Cause I think you have to like meet in person and like exchange the grave deed

or whatever. There was some sort of a thing that I read about that. And I was like, God, can you imagine how awkward that conversation would be? Skin would crawl right off my bones. If Hugh Hefner can get buried on top of Marilyn Monroe, if he's bold enough to finagle that, I think you can be bold enough to do this. Was that real? I didn't think that was real.

It was something. It might not be. He might be. It might be a myth. Maybe he didn't succeed. Today we are talking about a beloved hot dog staple, cocktails. We did a very early, very brief bonus podcast about this.

It was real short. We didn't really get into it. We did a team working, very brief bonus podcast about this. It was real short. We didn't really get into it. We did a Teamworking Day article about it. We never did the actual podcast, this actual podcast. And the numbers say way more people listen to this podcast than read the site, which is bad news for our future financially, but good news. If you're unaware of Cocktails,

you've just met your new favorite thing today. It's a six minute long trailer, and yes, we are doing an entire hour long podcast about it. At least. You'll understand. You'll understand when we get there. I'm guessing this was a trailer for studios. Yeah, it's probably a sizzle reel to like, get a pilot made.

I think in theory, I don't think there was any connection where this was shown to studios. Right. Yeah, I'd buy that too. Yeah, I'm sure he gave it to the one industry friend he mentions at the beginning and the friend looked at it and was like, okay, I'm just going to tuck this over here. I know, you've lost your mind. I know, you've lost your mind. Yeah, yeah. My first note was that this entire trailer did not warn me in case I have epilepsy,

which is a problem. Yeah, there's a weird prismatic rainbow waterfall effect over the whole thing that is very strange. Do you do badly with the flashing lights? No, I don't, but what if I did? You don't know? I'm sure. Well, you probably wouldn't be watching a series

about gay bars in San Francisco. I guess. Yeah, I guess that's built into the premise that there's gonna be some flashing lights. There's gonna be some strobe lights or something. I don't, it depends on, it depends on when it takes place. This thing is timeless, but also not. Also firmly in the very early 2000s, but also very timeless,

because the guy is old and doesn't know what stuff is, even in the early 2000s. That's... okay, that's incredible. I mean, this is technically the intro. So it starts off with the shimmer from Annihilation, for some reason. This all takes place in Area X. And then Ron Merck, that's a voiceover. The voiceover first says, a groundbreaking and myth-shaking new series

is in production in San Francisco. And a few of those things are lies. At least. And before we even get into the trailer, it starts with Ron Merck. Ron Merck is the creator, writer, director, everything of cocktails. He's got it, baby.

He's got it. He's like, oh my God, I'm gonna take you through the insane story about how cocktails started. It started as an idea, a reality show about gay bartenders, but the gay bartenders didn't want Ron Merk in their bedrooms. I thought this is such a, like to see inside the creative process is usually pretty fascinating, but this is just the dumbest goddamn shit. Like he had this stupid obvious idea and then someone

said, okay, what if it was more stupid and more obvious? And then from there I added unchecked rudderless insanity and here we are. And I guess it's kind of like, I guess that describes most of the things we love. But literally after that, he says, one of the main characters in the show is the city of San Francisco. That's so, it's like so much less than hacky and cliche. It's like we're watching an unfrozen pre-Renaissance man invent bad art.

It's so fucking stupid. Oh my god, it's the dark and stormy night of this promo. It's, and I wrote, I have in my notes, but you have so many characters already. Because you do. It needs another thing. Is it also a werewolf? It might be a gay werewolf.

The city of San Francisco is a character and it's also hiding a dark gay werewolf secret. I like just the idea of a gay San Francisco bartender. I don't know if you've been to the Castro but you go to a gay bar in the Castro which is where they shot a lot of the exterior shots.

And the gay bartender's job is basically frantically taking drink orders for five hours straight and then going home exhausted. Like it is an insanely stressful, and not a lot happens other than just that. And then, you know, occasionally some- And the neighborhood itself is totally gentrified. If you're gay, you're old.

That's, yeah, that's a good point. It's like the nightlife, sure. Fine. As much as San Francisco hasn't been taken over. Yeah, he's coming to this very late. So Ron's he says this in another little interview thing. He he got to the San Francisco bar scene in mid to late 2000s. So like, well, decades after it was like the hot place to be for young gay men, like it's a tourist trap

at that point. I lived there in 2009 and my prevailing thought was this city is dying. But not him, it's like he just walked in and discovered it for the first time. It's like that American Indian apocalypse theory. Do you know that one? Like the theory is that all of the American Indians

went through their own like private apocalypse just before like all the settlers really landed. And so they showed up to America and they saw like what essentially amounted to like travelable paths. Oh, because there was a lot of weather phenomena and stuff, yeah. Well, it's more about like how easy it was to settle America and they thought like, oh, well, this is just such a wonderful friendly country when really it was like the Indians had settled it pretty much and then died off and left like, you know, the groundwork for it. That's Ron Merck. Ron Merck is showing up and being like, oh my God.

Oh my God, these gay bars are wonderful. Somebody should make a show about this. He does have the vibe of a guy who is like just going out for the first time. Be like, this is the best I can do this every fucking night. Yeah, let's make a show about gay men and nightlife. Like maybe 10 years after Queer as Folk. Yeah, they's make a show about gay men and nightlife, like maybe 10 years after Queer as Folk. Yeah, they did that.

Maybe the most they've done. But with the same motif as Queer as Folk, or even older. You know what? It looks older. And yet it wasn't. This was 2011, I believe, is when he filed for copyright on... Amazing. ...on Cocktails, which is, again, decades and decades after it had been run into the ground this idea for a show But it was it was an idea and he said he was talking to a network executive friend who said

You should just fictionalize the whole thing and I think you should call the show Cocktails and Ron was like yes, I'll do exactly that. Except for he didn't get the pun cause he doesn't spell it like duck tails. Nope. That's what that guy meant. Yeah, that's why you didn't make the sale. It's so much better. So Ron says he began to cast the show

before creating the script, which explains everything that happens next. Everything that happens next. He says he started- Did he ever finish casting the show? No, I don't think he did. Because the list is vast. He says he started meeting with actors to cast

and then invented the characters that he would cast them as together with the actor, which is why this what follows is so insane. Because what follows is a near endless scroll of every single character in the show. It is, we get interrupted every once in a while by like a quick hunk break to just watch like, watch some hunks gyrating for a second.

And like, and like signs floating by, there's like bar, I think there's supposed to be bar signs. Although one of them just says hot sex. You could see that too. I thought that was just like something I saw when I closed my eyes. But there are, it scanned the whole little thing, what happens next scans like a Too Many Cooks parody.

There are 27 character bios that then scroll by as the cocktails theme plays, which is actually two songs I caught. I've got a little clip here. You need it for the vibe. This just plays on loop the whole time you're reading these bios. So you listen to this. I don't know why I'm playing it, you knew what was playing. All right, you get the idea. The music does change before a certain character,

which I will tell you about, but yes. I've noted it. It's like the soundtrack of a bar where you're kind of likely to get human trafficked. You know what I mean? It's not like a dance song. It's not something you'd hear on the radio. It's just like, we are normal bar, come inside, have drink.

It's not quite techno, but it's not not techno. It's definitely not something they'd play in Berlin, but it's not not techno. I think it's the music that the TV Guide channel would play at a gay sandals. It's like if there was a murder at a gay bar on a CSI, that's a good... yes. Then it starts reeling off the character bios and the character bios are always in two parts. It'll introduce the name, a little fact about them and then it cuts to like a different version of them

in a different scenario and has their little twist. Accidentally such perfect comedy. It's- Yeah. It is. It never gets old. Set up punch line. It's so perfect because most of these characters are queer and still in the closet about something. It's amazing.

They're like part of a supportive gay community in San Francisco and they're like, I can't let anyone know about my dark secret. They're bartenders, they're bartenders in the Castro and they're like, my family can't know. Yeah. It's so fucking funny. They'll're like, yeah, my family can't know It's so fucking funny. They'll select the well, let's go through the first one. The first one is detective Chuck O'Brien everything under control but his sex drive and then the twist and

His obsession to catch a serial killer wrong order for those two The twist should be his uncontrollable sex drive. Because he's a detective. He should be searching for serial killers. The twist is that he's a sex addict. Plus, he looks like the thing when he goes undercover. He's got like a fedora pulled down low. Plus, he's really cranky. So finding out he can't control his sex drive comes across like a terrible threat, not like this dude loves to party.

It's like you're in a lot of danger. There are a lot of cops in this very gay show. I don't trust it. I started thinking, I watched it really late at night and I just started wondering if the show itself is a cop. Yeah, it's like an amonitrate sting. This could all be a sting. It's all a sting.

Or conversely, there are just a lot of gay cops with a lot to lose. Like Detective Chuck O'Brien. And what's great is he's out on the street, on Castro Street, like looking around like the serial killers out there buying a fucking cock cookie. He's just going to see him serial killing somebody and be like, I got you. I knew you'd do it.

That's also not how cops catch gay serial killers. They wait until it gets way out of hand and the community is screaming. And then they pull off the wig and they say, you fell right into my trap. Yeah. Oh, but my out of control sex drive. Oh, it's gonna cost me the case. I tried to bang the serial killer. The serial killer on one side. I warned ya.

A hot dude on the other. And he's like, God damn it. God damn it, he's gonna get away. And Detective Chuck O'Brien chooses both. Oh no, Chuck O'Brien. Next up is Bo Boudreau. Fucking top 10 name of all time. Top name.

His first intro card just has him rubbing his nipples. He's just dancing and rubbing his nipples and it says, a great future as a pop singer, dot dot dot, but hard drugs and sex get in his way. Do they? What a square ass thing to write. It's like something a dare cop would write. I think you're right, Hannah, this whole thing is a sting.

I'm pretty sure it's readily available to all those people. I think it's the point. I think it's why people want to be pop singers is like half of it is hard drugs and sex. It's another title card like Chuck O'Brien's where if you reversed it and been like hard drugs and sex fan,

but his future as a pop singer gets in the way. Like that would make. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that would make more sense. A little bit. Yeah, yeah, like his managers are trying to chill that shit out. That makes a little more sense.

Just a little. Next up is Jet. Now here's where it starts getting real cocktailsy. Jet is a woman posing as a man and it shows us tough guy on a bike, just like riding around, dot, dot, dot. This was 2011, so you knew trans people existed. Yeah, that's not how you would put a trans man.

That's not how you would describe it if you were like a supportive member of the gay community in 2011. Yeah, dragon transness is always an undercover persona That's not how you would describe it. If you were like a supportive member of the gay community in 2011. Yeah, Dragon Transness is always an undercover persona in this show, which is amazing. This is Ron Merck's first day as a gay man. Yes.

Okay. He just found out what the word meant like yesterday. It's like, I met these fellows at a bar. They say they have sex with other dudes. It's crazy. I said, we gotta do a show. It's crazy. Have you guys heard about this place called San Francisco? I didn't it seems like a weird name

You'd think it's in Mexico or something. It's not So it's it's I forgive Ron Merck for not really knowing I think his heart's in the right place Jets a woman posing as a man dot dot hiding from a drug dealer who's out to kill her. So Hiding from a drug dealer who's out to kill her. So, is she transgender? Or is she doing like a real high stakes bosom buddies? I love that. I think you're right. Again, again, you introduced the wrong thing.

Hiding from a drug dealer who's out to kill her by posing as a man. You're right. That's worse to get. Yeah. Yeah, that's not how you would talk about Whoopi Goldberg in... A woman posing as a nun to hide from the mob. That was the plot of a real movie. That got a sequel. Fuck. I don't like Wayne Doyle. Wayne Doyle's up next. Wayne Doyle's starting card is everyone's favorite bartender daddy.

Again, that should be the secret. I don't know. Like, don't call yourself that. And it's just, it's an older man, definitely like early to mid-50s at least. They know. They heard bartender daddy and they immediately pictured Wayne Doyle. And then he goes dot dot dot, haunted by guilt and the suicide of his son. But he's not mourning in a grave, is he? No, he's staring at the back of a twink's head. And it's like, sexually charged, but also like maybe he's looking at this boy and saying

you will be my son now. Yeah, he walks up in the in the actual video. He walks up behind the twink and like just stares. Just yeah. Yeah. He could be that secret murderer. There should be a third title card. You're my baby. Everything's gonna be okay.

You're my child. You're still here son. You're still here. You didn't go away. You're my child. I don't want to call you bartender daddy anymore if you're gonna be like that. I thought it was in the fun way. Yeah Daddy is not in a fun way Plus we had sex this is weird. It's so weird now. Yeah, he said call me daddy during sex and I didn't he just started weeping I got it

I don't like it. I don't like Wade Doyle, but I'll tell you what I really like and that's skip skip skip is up next skips title card is a childhood trauma stole his identity already really strong childhood trauma stole his identity what could that possibly mean and then it's not solved by the follow-up title card he can only mimic the behavior of others. See, I think I get it. This is a Dexter baby, but instead of having to murder, he just like lost all of his personality.

And now he could still copy a personality. I thought, I see, I get it. I think it's very evocative. I think Doppelganger. Yes, there's something supernatural about it. Absolutely. I think he could take faces too. I think that's very evocative. I think Doppelganger. Yes, there's something supernatural about it. Absolutely. I think he could take faces too. I think that's the third title card.

If there was one, would have said also their faces. If his title card came later, it would have been completely supernatural in my head. It's just that it comes with the more less supernatural characters. I wish he looked sillier. He kind of looks like a murderer. If he looked a little sillier,

you'd think he was a Michael Winslow or something. Like he can only imitate others and he's like doing a celebrity impersonations and sound effects or something. I think they're trying, I think they're trying to describe like how sociopaths imitate empathy, but instead they're just describing like a kid

on the playground imitating another kid on the playground. Sure. See, this is what's so great about cocktails is you don't know the answer to that. I wanna know the answer to that. Me too. Because Skip is the floodgate that opens where like everything before this is funny,

but it's been normal. And Skip's the first hint of like, wait, what does that mean? He can only mimic the behavior. Is he like morph? Is this gay or morph? I would like it if there were some sort of a limitation to his power too, like he has to touch them and then only lasts like four hours or something.

He has to have gay sex with them. Right. And then he can mimic the behavior. But he's not gay. And so it's like this thing he doesn't like to do that much. He's like, God damn, these powers. See, that's totally within the Cocktails vibe though. I have to infiltrate the lab.

There's a lot of people here that don't seem to really want to be gay. Yeah. And Skip would be, that would be. Genuinely, there are a lot of people here who really don't want to be queer. And I don't like, it's a lot. I think Ron Mark is working through something here.

I think he took the fun out of it. And so like, you know, this was fun before we met you Ron Mark. I want my character to be straight. It gets fun again. Not next though. Not with the next guys. See there are duds, there are duds and cocktails

and you're going to meet them. They're Austin and Jed Peterson. Their title card is Identical Twins, One Gay, One Straight, which is nothing. That's just the first card. There's still two twists coming. Statistically rare, but sure. Austin Peterson sells drugs to keep his sick brother alive. Jed Peterson meets a girl who gives him a reason to live. his sick brother alive, Jed Peterson meets a girl who gives him a reason to live.

The thing about identical twins where one is gay and one is straight is like an unethical scientist could use them to find the cure to straight. And I'm thinking that's something. I don't know, Austin's out here selling drugs just to keep Jed alive and Jed's like, I met a girl. Get the fuck out of here, Jed. These guys, you're right, fucking right. Are you the serial killer?

Because you can stay if you're the serial killer, but that's the only way. Jed can fucking suck it. And I can say that about him because I think he's the straight one. Yeah, he's the straight one. Because he found a girl that gave him a reason to live. But I mean, we don't know that's a romantic thing.

Or she might've given him a medallion that gave him some sort of a quest. That's how fucking crazy the show is. I'm gonna throw a wrench into it. It could be Skip. You don't know, some of these characters could be Skip. Yeah, he's straight, but Skip does such a good impersonation of a woman that he's like, shit, this, yeah.

I'm in love with her. Until she does her impersonation of Shaquille O'Neal and then I think that's very offensive. That's a skip move. Next up is Merrick De Silva. Married with children, he works at a gay bar, dot dot dot, where he meets an undercover detective. Okay, now we're in the 70s.

Yeah, this is some old timey shit. Now we're in like stonewall times. Yeah. And I also think it's worth mentioning that of all the men in the show, Merrick De Silva buries the needle on anyone's beginner gaydar. Like, he just looked at him, you're like, okay, that's a gay man. But like, there's a photo of him where he's with six other men in tank tops and he's gently resting his entire hand on the center of one man's penis. And I mean, it looks like a playbill

for a show called Dixon Boys. And I'm just saying the secret is out, is my point. Of all the men to pick to cast for this secret gay role, this is the wrong one. Is the implication he's going to realize he's gay after he meets Detective Chuck O'Brien? Like who else is the undercover detective? There's gotta be more than just the one undercover detective.

I took it that he's lying to his wife, like maliciously, and that the undercover detective like finds out. Like she's like, hey, I'm gonna hire a PI to see if my husband's really gay. He's grabbing a lot of dicks and pictures. And then he's like, I'll find out. Like, she's like, hey, I'm going to hire a PI to see if my husband's really gay. He's grabbing a lot of dicks in pictures. And then he's like, I'll find out for you, but you won't like the answers. Right.

Yeah, the showrunner didn't look up the word for private detective. Yeah. Right. Yeah, no, I think it's Chuck O'Brien. I think he's going to meet and fall in love with that big red man. I don't know. Chuck O'Brien's I think he's gonna meet and fall in love with that big red man. Chuck O'Brien's sex drive is out of control. As is my new family's tradition, I must demand that Cold Meanie be recast as Chuck O'Brien. Yeah, there you go. Fall in love with that big pink ham.

Ooh, slap him and leave a big white handprint. Oh, that'd be great. Got some cold meaning issues, I guess. Next up is Flavio, and Flavio's title card is Not His Real Name. An identity he invented, dot dot dot. And then instead of a second, we get a second character. Mocha de la Creme. Another face of Flavio, why the disguise? Like he's in witness protection. Yeah, all drag artists are in witness protection. What are you?

And they're performing because they're really not subtle about it. Yeah, he's like, we want you to go, we can only protect you for Timmy Carlos Mencia, and also a clown drag queen. I do think that's a really funny thing to just like sidle up next to a drag queen and whisper, why are you in disguise? Yeah, why the disguise? What a deception. Someone should should become a producer on Drag Race and just ask that in the testimonials.

RuPaul just gets real serious for a second. Why are you fellas dressed up like that? What the fuck is happening here? Why are you disguised? Are you on the run for something? Again, it's Ron Mark's first day. He doesn't really know what drag queens are. He's trying to find a way to describe it

Flop I love that Flavio is also not his real name. So you have no idea who this is. It's another skip It's skip all the way down baby Mocha de la creme is the name just great. Yeah The name mocha de la creme also was when I started going, is this show racist? And that's an ongoing... Yeah, maybe it is. I feel like it's at least ignorant. I don't know. I think you would be surprised that it was racist. But yeah, yeah. I don't think it's a malicious show. But that's due to the sheer dumbness. He was in his 60s when he figured out he was gay. Like, he's just...

He's just a man of his time. He's a really unquestioning dude. Just like Jessica Da Silva. Why wouldn't people want me in their bedrooms? Yeah. I kept asking if I could bring my camera into the gay bartender's bedrooms. And he kept saying, I'm not comfortable with that.

I didn't understand. So I thought maybe we'd do a fictionalized show about it instead. Well yes uh speaking of obliviousness the next up is Jessica De Silva doesn't know her husband works in a gay bar. Now I want to stop there it's not that she doesn't know he's gay she doesn't even know where he works. So it should not surprise you that her next title card is Drugs and Alcohol Get Her Through the Day. Yeah. Also, the music changes when we get around to the Latino characters.

I have to note that. The music does change. It does get a little like flamenco guitar in there. It does. I think maybe it's his first day discovering Latino as well. Very possibly. Have you heard about these guys called Latinos? They're like. Just down the street from the gay neighborhood.

There's a Mexican neighborhood with burritos is what they call them. You know how really hot guys are like tan? They're all tan. It's really hot. It's crazy. Ah bless you Robb. Look it up. Look them up. They're great. She's married to Merrick who doesn't tell her he works in a gay bar and then the next picture is her like ordering a drink but in a fun way like the title card. There have been two families so far who don't know

that the dad or husband works in a gay bar. Not that he's gay, that he just works there. They can't tell them where they work. They can't tell them that they just work there. And drugs and alcohol get her through the day, but in a fun way, because it cuts to a little scene of her like having fun at a bar and she puts a little finger up to order a drink like, um, one more. Not like I'm destroyed by a secret.

Yeah. Yeah. This isn't like a woman like in despair. Like she's just like having a fun night out. And her husband works at a gay bar secretly. Next up is Dante. He gave up a great singing career dot, dot, dot to make his lover's dream come true. Aw.

I do not like Dante. He's got the the footage of him. It looks like he's taken karaoke way too seriously. Aw. I do not like Dante. He's got the footage of him. It looks like he's taken karaoke way too seriously. Yeah. That's just like not my kind of person, I think. No, he definitely picked a Metallica song with a 12 minute instrumental. Yeah. That is something that one of your former colleagues did to me once at a party.

Okay, that's unforgivable, and we'll talk about that. But Dante wouldn't pick that. Dante would pick this. Never saw the sun before you came. Yeah, Dante! Take it all back, Dante, that's a beautiful voice. Like an island in the sea, you saved me. You're forever, love forever. Love forever. Love forever.

God, I will not remember that song in 10 seconds, but it's really something. Dante is played by Isaac Angel, who sang those two songs. No. The trailer is set to. God damn it, you did research. I did. And I would also like to remind you that he had a hand in making his own character with Ron Merck, according to all the behind the scenes information,

he must have come up with this character. So I wonder if this is like a passive aggressive dig in his boyfriend at like, why am I singing Korean? Yeah, this is why he thinks he didn't make it. He thinks he, it's because of his fucking boyfriend's fault. There is a little too much realness in the face in his second title card when he turns the camera. Oh, I knew I hated Dante. To make his lover's dream come true.

Yeah. I knew it. He'd be singing this on the main stage at American Idol if it wasn't for his boyfriend. ["Now or Never", by The Beatles playing on TV and on TV.] It's a no from me, dog. People still say that, right? Sure, people are age. It's 2011 appropriate.

Yes. I was genuinely pausing there to think like, is American Idol still going? I think it might be. Might be. But I don't think Randy Jackson's on there anymore. Is it voice now? I don't know.

Is there a difference? I have no idea. I've kept no track of that. What is the mascot singer? I've been waiting to ask people this. That is when they sing in a mascot costume and then after they get voted off, they reveal who they were.

And they're usually like, a very surprising, someone you wouldn't expect. It's just like, yeah, I'm Haley Joel Osmond. You're like, what the fuck? How would I have known that? Yeah. Yeah. How is my life enriched by knowing that now?

Like, what does that do for me? That doesn't do anything. And that's why I know nothing about that show. Next up is Rosa Fernandez, a lesbian in the closet to her Latino family, dot, dot, dot. Yeah. Rosa is where the music changes up. I forget, that's where.

Maybe between those two title cards, where the second is, she falls for a woman she thinks is a man. It's shit. Oh, I love this. I love this because she's probably like, I, you know, she doesn't want to be a lesbian because her family is disappointed in lesbians.

They don't like lesbians. And then she finally meets a man. She's like, God, there's something about this man I just fucking super into. It's probably his titties, probably his. Her family's just over the moon about it. Yeah. Then she's like, God damn it.

What a dirty trick. Again, I feel like the guy who made this show, what's his name, Ron Merck, I feel like he got unfrozen from like the 12th century. He's like in a gay bar, like, this is legal? You can tell people you work here? He was unfrozen and immediately became mesmerized with the fireworks effect on iMovie.

Yeah, this is the meme about taking like a dark ages peasant to modern times and giving them like a 72 ounce Pepsi. And just like, it's just gonna ruin you. You're not gonna know what's doing with it. So somebody took him like straight from being unfrozen right into San Francisco, the hardest San Francisco gay bar scene. And he was just...

That's what we're dealing with. This is a knockoff Encino man. They unfroze a caveman, gave him 72 ounces of Pepsi, taught him what gay was. He's like, I don't get it, but I want to make a show about it. So I want to know whose idea, if these are all collaborative creative processes between the characters that play these people,

between the actors that play these characters and Ron Merck, was it Rosa or Ron Merck who decided, I want to play a lesbian in the closet to my Latino family, but then I fall for a woman who I think is a man. Rosa or Ron Merck who decided I want to play a lesbian in the closet to my Latino family But then I fall for a woman who I think is a man There is a hardcore dyslogic to it that um, I Wouldn't put on this beautiful woman Rosa Fernandez a show like a show like the L word could actually logic out this plot line Um, I don't trust cocktails to do so

Next up next up is Shimon Shimon. Oh, I have some notes about his props His title card says his religious Jewish family doesn't know he's dot dot dot shock jock That's that's his character's name, Shock Jock. A gay radio talk show host in San Francisco. What year again? 2011. 2011. Perfect, perfect.

The height of radio. Yep. Okay, I want to explain something. When he's Shock Jock, he has the lemmy, which is like a full beard, but then there's no hair on the bottom of your chin. You of course, you probably know. But when he's Shimon, he has that part of the beard.

So to me, I think when he's disguised as Shimon, he has like a little fake beard that he just puts on that part of his chin. Just the fake goatee that like ratchets on there. Just a little rectangle of hair that he glues to his chin. I like the filter they shoot Shimon with, which is very dramatically lit. He's very like somber and religious. He's very somber and he's got the uh this is the note he's got the tallit on

his which is like a real legit one because there's there's hebrew on it i i mean maybe it's not because i can't read the hebrew on it but they went through enough trouble to know the characters and embroider that on it. I know what it says. It says, mama say mama saw mama saw. Because you wear a circle of fabric on your head, which seems much easier to get. You can any temple walk in there, they'll give you one for free. You don't even have to ask. They'll just, they'll just give you one. So you just got a circle of fabric out of anything Right, but like he needs the full the full length of the fabric to cover like the cans over his ears

So that he can simultaneously shock jock Big that are giant and not Like that is his gay shock jock name is Shock Jock. Like somebody would tell you, no, you can't do that. It's almost like being named, I don't know, DJ California. Why did you bring up something so stupid? What a stupid name that is. He's one of my favorites, I think.

Naming your shock jock Shock Jock is, it's one of those first draft ideas that you're like, obviously, obviously gonna top that. And you come back and you're like, I don't know, it's kind of grown first draft ideas that you're like, obviously, obviously gonna top that. You come back, you're like, I don't know, it's kind of grown on me. I've been calling them shock jock for so long. There is a shock jock convention and there's always two of them.

There's never one, there's always two. And sometimes a woman who tells them to shut up every hour. But yeah, there's like, there's animal and the noise or something like that, or sometimes noise and the animal, but that is the convention. Or Shockrock and the Shimon. Sometimes they have the Shockjock convention at the synagogue and then that puts Shimon in a real pickle.

In a weird position. Running back and forth, not sure which costume he's got on. You know he's gonna misplace the little goatee toupee at one point. Oh what? Oh god the soul patch. I wonder if he has an accent that he affects when he's Shimon like if he shocks out he's like welcome to the room and then when he's Shimon he's like talks like Woody Allen or something I think that would be really funny if he made that acting choice. It seems like he must be orthodox because other Jews are more accepting and they talk like they are from Israel no matter where they were born and it's

real creepy. I can say that it's fun. So some of them must find for the freedom of shock jock. This character resonates. Shock jock is real art to me I think sure I think Shimon slash shock jock was the first time like watching cocktails. I was like, yeah, I'm on board Ironically, I want yeah. Yeah, Aaron you grew up in Westlake Village. Sorry. Okay, go on Next up is Susan Hampton. Her face hides the painful secret, dot, dot, dot, of a surgeon wanting the perfect daughter. And then it cuts to a totally reasonably naturally beautiful young woman, just like smiling at the camera. The title card promises some sort of hideous Frankenstein.

Yeah. I didn't get this at all. Is she a trans character, another secret trans character maybe? Maybe. Yeah, no, I think this guy doesn't know what trans is, again, and is the aunt of that orthodox side of the family who thinks that parents are making their kids trans.

Or alternate theory, her face hides the painful secret. She could be like one of those old action figures with like face flipping action, where like you poke her on the side of the head and she flips around. She's a man-y faces. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. She's got like a killer robot face underneath it

or like snake fangs or something. What if she's a skip? What if she's got like this gelatinous changeable face because they're surgeon father. That would be the too many cooks reveal is that at the end of this, there's no other characters. It's just skip.

It's just been skipped the whole time. Just he decloaks at the very end and turns to the camera, the sinister smile. As love forever. The pamphlet just goes off into the sunset. I like the name. I feel like creatively, Susan Hampton's a very descriptive name. Like you hear Susan Hampton, you're like,

I know exactly what that character is. That is a middle-aged real estate agent. Yeah. But she's a young woman with a painful face secret from her surgeon father. Yeah, she's probably 45 and then she has like this face of the 20 year old because of her surgeon father. Oh, he's really good.

It looks very natural. So she has nothing to be upset about. That's not a dark secret. No, not really. That's a loving father good at his job. I mean, maybe if it was against her Just this painful secret. He doesn't use anesthetic. Yeah. There you go. I wish I looked old. What are you doing dad? Yeah, I want dignity. You must be beautiful my daughter. It adds legitimacy to my witchcraft Let me age It adds legitimacy to my witchcraft. Let me age.

What? Next up is Mike Larson, kicked out by his Orange County parents, dot dot dot. Now he manages a gay bar in San Francisco. There's no twist to that one. Yeah, that's pretty ordinary story I imagine. That's, yeah. But like, again, 10 to 30 years earlier,

like if this was in the 1960s, the parents would be like, hey, you're no son of mine for being gay. It's, I'm sure years earlier, like, if this was in the 1960s, the parents would be like, hey, you're no son of mine for being gay. It's, I'm sure many people still experience that type of thing, but like, it feels, you know, unusual. I mean, in Orange County is Republican LA. It could happen. Yeah, I'm sure it does happen.

I'm sure he met an actual gay bar owner. I'm sure Mike Larson is that actual gay bar owner Right. It's just like all the others It sort of carries with it like the idea that the entire world is trying to destroy these people for their gayness Which I don't know whatever the world feels like that sometimes maybe I don't know I But it's also a TV trope that people are sick of that he's just doing again and again and again and again and again and again and again and every time you think it's done there's a fireworks interlude and again. I'm just saying, Mike Larson, you need one more thing. Like that's-your second title card should be just the second part of your first title card and then your second title card should say, has to hide his vampiric penis at all times or something.

That's your dark secret. Yeah, you can't see his dick in a mirror. His dick must feed. Wait, you guys can see your dick in the mirror? Oh no, Sean, he's got you too. Sean baby, shock- he's got you too. Oh no. Sean baby, shock jock on the podcast. Just found out he's got a vampire dick. Love forever.

Love forever. I don't know, it's better for me to sing it even though I can just hit a button. You're forever, love forever. There you go. Remember in Extra Large when one of the musical instruments was a gun? If this song had a gun as one of the musical instruments, I would. Yes!

Wait for it. It's the fucking gun solo. When did MIA's song came out? I feel like this should have been when we knew that song and that she was crap. Using the guns as the instrument. Excuse me, MIA, that's been done by extra large, you hack. I know what you're pulling from. You stole that from Kante.

Next up is Ramon Garcia, drug dealer, murderer, and Rosa's cousin. That's not a second title card. His second title card is looking for opportunities in San Francisco. Once again, flip them title cards. Yeah, with, I have the note, Ramon was wondering if the show was racist with the music changing with Rosa. Now Ramon is here. I guess he is looking for murder opportunities is the way I took that. Cause it's the twist implies like he's not here

to find new drug customers. Well, remember a jet has to pose as a man because she's on the run from a drug dealer. I'm assuming that's Ramon Garcia. Otherwise it's where he slaps you. 100%, yes. But also someone's hunting for a serial killer. But also if that is true and he doesn't find Jet

in the first episode, he's real fucking stupid. Yep. Oh, nice to meet you. I'm looking for a lady that looks a lot like you. That's weird. You have a sister? Cause I'm gonna kill her. My lesbian cousin usually dates women.

I'm glad she's dating a man. You got a pretty luscious set of titties for a man. Hmm, cut to commercial. I didn't see you wearing a tie until now. And now you're like yanking it back and forth. That's a little weird. Gulpin' real hard, like audibly. Next up is cousin Shelly, everyone's mom away from home.

She has a secret too. Something wonderful. Hardest, I laugh every time I watch it. Something wonderful. It's just, oh, it's like, thank you, Ron Burke. That is great news. All these other ones are so sinister. This was just, oh, no, guys, it's a good surprise.

Relax. I have a lot of a wonderful secret. I got a new dog. Yeah. Something wonderful. It like, it still almost works as a teaser until the very next one, which is, they come in pairs. This is Papa Bear, not spelled like you think.

Papa Bear dressed like an old old timey swing musician, cousin Shelly's husband and soulmate when they first met. Shelly was still a man. Okay, that's the wonderful secret. Is it? Because that's really disappointing. It has to be, right?

It probably is, but I would love it if it was like, she found the leprechauns pot of gold or something. Just... Yeah, that'd be better. Yeah. But yeah, you're probably right. It's probably, he's like, it's taking him longer and longer to say transgender person. This one had to be spread across two character intros and four title cards. At least he's like saying, hey, it's good though.

It's a great thing. This is the one that's happy. Yes. The other ones are either secret or hiding from the mob. This one is just good news. She found her true self. Next up is DJ California. He spins the hottest tracks in San Francisco,

second title card, strictly gay, or so he thought until recently. Yeah, Jet turned out to be a lady. Yep. That's jet's gotta be jet again Love it's a love triangle Tricking everybody That would be the best love triangle if both of the people thought they were a wrong gender and they're like am I gay? Maybe i'm not gay. Maybe you're maybe we're neither of us are gay and then they find out the truth and like But what does that mean? Does that mean we're neither of us are gay." And then they find out the truth and like, but what does that mean?

Does that mean we're both gay? And it's so- That plot twist ripples down the script where she's like, grandma, abuelita, I'm not gay anymore, I met a man. And then she has to call her back like, okay, false alarm. Meanwhile, DJ California is calling his dad to be like,

you don't have to disown me anymore. Yeah. It turns out, it turns out I love a woman. She's dressed a lot like a dude. I'm calling it right now, DJ California is a real person, did try to sue this show, lives in New Jersey, very divorced. DJ California is the worst DJ name,

especially for somebody in California. I think you nailed it. He kind of looks like Corbin Berntzen. A little bit. He's like Corbin Berntzen's dead son. Exactly. That's exactly it. That's his vibe.

I mean all DJs are a little bit. Inside of course. Of course. Next up is Eric Ortiz. Barback go-go boy and hot young top. God, he gets the best bio. His biggest talent is making documentaries. Cool. Hot young top is so great because it sort of,

it rings like someone who just learned what that word means. And he's like, no, I know how to speak the lingo. I just, I learned what Gay was yesterday. He's a- He's what they call a go-go boy. He's a go-go boy. Oh, no, you still got some work to do. No, that's an unfrozen one.

Yeah. You gotta get those. Why do I feel like the original version of this trailer had, he also has a secret, and then someone had to tell him, go-go boys can make documentaries. Why is his secret? Because Ron Berg does talk up, like every time he gets to talk about cocktails, you'll find him say, every character is

harboring a dark secret. And like, that's clearly what the format is, is every character and then their dark secret so Making documentaries. I bet there's not films. I bet he films people getting murdered. Oh, there we go. He's the serial killer Yeah, and a hot young top and a hot young top and a hot young top. Yeah, you could be a top in a murderer You could do anything Hana. You could do anything. Next up is John Patterson part-time drug dealer, part-time photographer. Second title card.

He's about to get a killer career opportunity. Too many murderers. This isn't even too many cooks anymore. I'm not sure if he's trying to imply, right? So either John Patterson is the serial killer. Or murderee? Or he's going to get killed by the serial killer. Or, my theory, both.

Yeah, yeah, where he was like, this is the worst actor I've ever seen. I mean, all these actors are bad, but this is the worst actor I've ever seen. Let's put him in. But only for like 20 episodes. I think he's a serial killer hunting his alternate persona to kill him. I think he's just a documentary maker who's a bottom. serial killer hunting his alternate persona to kill him. I think he's just a documentary maker who's a bottom. And he just was trying to like, you know, mix it up. Yeah, maybe he's a switch.

No, those don't exist. I read a book about spanking and the author of that book said that you cannot switch from being a spanker and a spanky, it's just her, she's the only one. Unless she's the prophesied one. No. No. The one spoken of in the myths? No, no, no. Do not speak of it. Forbidden!

It's too bad we have to speak about Thomas Fortunato. Thomas Fortunato sold into prostitution at 14 by his own father. That's his first title card, not his dark secret. His dark secret is he found love and refuge with Wayne Doyle. Wait, no, not the dad, not the dad. The dad, the bartender daddy whose son committed suicide. Wayne Doyle. It's preying on the 14 year old prostitute boy.

Daddy was definitely a sad title. You know? Yep. Oh. That means Wayne Doyle is one of those guys that like takes sex workers away from this life. Come with me, I could take you away from this world. Oh God. Into my own bed, of course.

Right. God, he's a sting. That doesn't mean I am going to have to correct what I said earlier. When he asked them to call him daddy, both Thomas and Wayne would be crying for different reasons. God. I hate Wayne Doyle. Get the fuck out of here, Wayne Doyle. Your whole scenario. Ron Mark doesn't have any of the judgment he needs. He seems to think that's a beautiful story, which is a weird suspicious take for a recently outed 63 year old gay man. All trans people are hiding something, but this guy, Wayne Doyle, totally fine.

This guy rules. This guy's the best. He's doing the right thing. They call him Bartender Daddy. Which is what I wish they'd... I keep asking them to call me, and they won't. They say, get out of my bedroom with those cameras, Ron-Berk. And I say, did you mean Bartender Daddy? And they said, no, Ron-Berk. I haven't mentioned one of the main characters, the city of San Francisco! Next up is Purr-Lee Gates.

Fuck you. Purr-Lee Gates. She's been to hell and back with her man, but nobody sings a Torch song better. That just a fucking wet fart of a character. Just a dud. You can't give us Mocha de la Creme with like layered secret identities

and then go like, why the disguise? Why is she not in disguise? Cause they're doing it for the same reason. This is also a drag queen. Yeah. No, she's like the best in our group at karaoke. Pearl E. Gates. Ah, she's great.

It is the messiest, longest way to a queen pun name I have ever heard. And I've heard some clunky ones. I just want to pause and reflect, like people who have never heard of Cocktails and had no idea what they were getting into, we're still listening characters. We're still.

If you're scrubbing ahead in the podcast, it didn't go back to where you started. You didn't tap the wrong thing. We're still doing it. Right, but it's all fucking bangers from here. This is, yeah. This is basically Game of Thrones. Yeah, Pearl E. Gates was the palate cleanser from now on. Yeah.

It's just magic. Now the real turn, the Weasel. Once a pickpocket, now a lawyer. See, that's the shock jock name. The Weasel, yeah. That's the name for a shock jock. Shimon and the Weasel. Johnny Munch and The Weasel, yeah. That's the name for a Shock Jock. Shimon and the Weasel. Johnny Munch and the Weasel, every day at nine.

He has Monica Lewinsky jokes for days. That is the name for a Shock Jock, I'm sorry. This is- His second title card is, he takes care of Luce's dirty business. And like, if you're gonna do that, you should probably put the character of Luce up first, so that we know- Yeah. Oh God, I just, cause I saw it as Luce. I read it as Luce. When you said Luce, I'm like, yeah, if you're gonna do that, you should probably put the character of Luce up first. So that we know. Oh God, I just, cause I saw it as Luce.

I read it as Luce. When you said Luce, I'm like, oh my God, I know what that's fucking short for. That pisses me off. I didn't even realize until just this second. Really? Yeah. See, I thought I had forgotten someone

because we've had so many people. Yeah. That's the danger of of putting him second. Weasel is great in his actual clip. He really sells like, no, no, no, it's not just a name. I'm part Weasel. Yeah, he really does. He literally chitters his teeth

and then he puts his paws up like a little Weasel paws and scurries him about while he's talking. He probably flashed back to third grade when Ron Merck said, hey, I got a name for your character, you're called the Weasel. about scurries him about while he's talking like he probably flashed back to third grade when what when mark ron merck said hey i got a name for your character you're called the weasel he probably was like oh damn it that's what the bullies called me in school because again i am part weasel i am actually i'm aware weasel uh and i would like to help i would like that worked into my character he's anamorphin he's definitely stage two of a Weasel anamorphin. Yeah, second. I was going to say second frame. He's second frame anamorphin,

for sure. Yeah. Author of Anamorphs, way better trans ally than this guy. That's nice to hear. JK Rowling, you're speaking of JK Rowling. Obviously. Author of Anamorphs, no worries. Next up, my, you know what I'm gonna say, my favorite, Tina Antonucci, federal agent, part warrior, part angel. Part angel. Part angel. Incredible. That's all her first title card.

And her whole title card is just fucking kicking ass. Everybody else here is like having fun in a gay bar a little bit, and then maybe turning seriously to the camera for their dark secret. Her starting title card is kicking ass. And then her second part of the title card is, her special mission is to protect Jet

and keep her on the right path. Jet is fucking up everybody's lives. You're doing a terrible job. This far, this deep into it, you're probably, there's been enough like, hinting around at the supernatural that you're like, part angel. Surely he doesn't mean like, actually part angel, right? Because we haven't really, I guess, unless Skip really was like a fairy baby, who has been replaced in like, trying to learn human ways, we haven't really broached the supernatural too hard yet.

So maybe he's being metaphorical, like she's a federal agent and she's going to be his guardian angel because she's a fucking street samurai. I was gonna say, does she have a ninja sword? She does, she has a katana sword. She's got a katana and you can't get that by stealing. She has a katana, yeah.

No, you can only get that by watching QVC at this time anyway, in the mid-2000s. That's where you- She's a fucking Razor girl. That's what she is. She's fully cyber-punked out, and she's gotta protect Jet, of all people, who is in so much danger.

Jet, I mean, you're really, you're a fucking wreck. At this point, I also would like to note that they did not give a migraine warning either, and I did get one. For real? For real. There was some flashing effect. Oh, from the flashing, okay.

I thought it was from like the sweet, the way she's sheathed that sweet samurai sword. I was like, ah, I understand. I could like. I have seen enough swords sheathing in my lifetime. She's one of those people that did have an influence on her character. Ron Mark says he came up with her character

after she brought her own samurai sword to set and told him, we're using this. Amazing. Yes. She's like, I bought this at the mall. No one thinks it's cool. We are fucking using it, Ron. I love Yes. She's like, I bought this at the mall. No one thinks it's cool. We are fucking using it, Ron. I love her. That's not true.

The truth is fucking great, but we're gonna get into that in the bonus podcast. Oh my God, I love it. Technically, she's part angel. She's the human part of the angel. She doesn't have wings. So she's, I guess everyone's technically part angel. I love that progression.

Just a bunch of eyeballs. Part angel throws you off. did he mean that metaphorically? Because the next one says, Gabriel, he has the power to change the world. Like what? Wait, what? Like the angel Gabriel? And his next title card is, He has one mortal enemy, his brother Luce. Like, oh shit.

Oh now you mention, and again, missed the spelling opportunity. Yeah, yeah the spelling opportunity. Yeah, yeah, a little bit. I mean, they're all bad. They're all bad puns. I'm just saying I get it from this. Yeah.

So maybe it lands clear enough. But like, and you know, I've seen enough Supernatural that when it's, you're like, here's a character named Gabriel and he has an evil brother. I'm like, no way. You're actually gonna do like the, this has all been a war in heaven taking place in the San Francisco gay bar scene.

It surely can't be that. It is exactly that, because your final character is Luce. Luce's title card says, he will stop at nothing to stay on top. I'm sure that's a pun. Yeah. I'm sure that's a pun. Yeah. I'm sure that's a pun.

And he's all in, his whole thing is in, it's in gray scale, it's in black and white. He's the only character to get that. And he glares at the camera and screams in his second title card says, San Francisco will be ground zero for this battle between good and evil. Incredible.

Like to get actual to get here, just 580 characters. We went so long that we started off as like fun gay bartenders with a secret and we had to end on the actual devil, the devil from the Bible. Yeah. This is what happens when you don't say no to anybody. It's your story slowly morphs from like a reality show about gay bartenders in the Castro district to the battle with the actual devil

starring street samurais and fucking doppelgangers. What I love about this the most is that this is the best part of the creative process. When you're just at the beginning coming up with broad ideas on wild things, you don't know how it all fits together yet. You haven't done the work of writing the dialogue and the fucking- You're just world building. You're just world building and it's the best.

And to take that and make that the whole thing and then just give up on a project is one of my favorite things to do. And so to see it is- Oh, me too. Yeah, it's the best. It's so fun. And he didn't immediately give up on it, but yeah. Most of my job is forcing people out of that phase. Because it's the fun part.

Ron Merck, this was all just perfectly tied in. Ron Merck needed your help. And if you don't want to be another Ron Merck, talk to Hana. I can't make promises. So stay tuned for the bonus podcast. There's no great crimes. I know that I'm famous for my bonus podcast being like, and thousands of deaths.

No, just a lot of fun, more information about cocktails. We're gonna do that in the bonus podcast. Also, the actual devil! Einstein Hunter, Frankfurt Our podcast is great! And with maximum sound! Does Frankfurt podcast say? Correct! Yes! The craft is not bad, it is not without!

Send it to the dog zone, for an hour! Come on, you know it! Einstein Hunter Einstein Hunter, Frankfurt Einstein, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, beautiful Schenectady, New York welcomes to the stage our own in-house in-self comic, Jimmy Jiggles. Oh hey, thank you, thank you. Don't applaud too hard, you ain't heard by Set Jan. Hey, I see a lot of Supremes out there in the crowd today.

Aaron Crustin, Adrian H. I see Alex Nolenberg here. Hey Alex, I hope you get hit by a speedboat like a manatee! Oh! Alpha Scientist Javo Unandy Armando Nava Autumn Armstrong Berg You look like a volunteer editor for WikiFeed Oh! Bim Talzer Brandon Garlok

Brian Saylor Oh I see somebody here named Brockway famously loves the meat milly. Well I happen to know the guy and guess what? He does. Burrito! Cereal, Cheddar Wolf, you smell like palm oil and old breast milk. Ah ho! Common sense! Craig Lemoyne, Dan B, David Sch Schill I heard your AI girlfriend cheated on you

it's not supposed to be possible science is studying it OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkdkd title. Elizabeth Shope? Some people get a bench dedicated to them when they die. You're gonna get the corner chair in a motel 6. Oh! Double up! Oh! Oh! Elliot Watson, Eric Christian Berg, Fancy Shark, Jell-O-Ho. Hey, good Satan and his hot witches, you know the way that paste the dentist used to polish your teeth tastes? No, of course you don't! OHHHH! Greg Cunningham! Haraka! Harvey Penguini! A.S.C.

Honk over here! Honk honk! Jaber Al Aiden! James Boyd! Hey James Boyd! I hope you dry drown in a corn silo! Whoa! Oh!

Oh! Sweet child of OHHHH! Jared Clack! Jared Mountainman! Jared Ruiz, it's the Jareds! Oh, Jeff O'Rasky, John Dean, I bet all the microplastics in your balls is gonna turn your babies into spiders! Spider O! John McKimmon, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh S, Joshua Greaves, A. Justin B. You seem like the kind of guy who's

had multiple pets die because of his unmedicated ADHD. Oh, sorry that one got stuck. Ken Paisley, K.N.M., Kamoutsis, K.V.H. I heard you got banned from Bumble and not even for a good pervert reason. You just made people too sad. Hold on, let me load the O-gun. Alright now let me cock it. Alright pull.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Missed all three times. Lane Haygood, Lisa, M. Jahee Chappelle, Hey Mark Mahoney, You seem like the fourth guy to die trying to rescue a dog from a septic tank. Tragic O! Matt Riley, Max Baroi, Moju, Hey you guys like politics?

I hear the best comedy's political these days, let's try some. A mercenary sissetman, Jeff Bezos called, he wants his personality back, oh! Michael Lair, Mort, Mr Bob Gray, ND, I see Neil Bailey here, I see Neil Schaeffer here, I see NECO 104 here, we got Nick Levino, hey Nick Levino, Elon Musk called, he wants his weird torso back, Torso! Oh! Obsolete! Henri Weevil, we got Ozzy Olin. Double oh!

We got Patrick Herbst. Peewees Uncle, I hope your spouse leaves you for a Republican. Oh! Rebrandrew, I hope you get the kind of concussion that turns you Republican. Oh! You and Peewees Uncle's wife deserve each other and I hope you're very happy. Oh! All right, all right, that's enough politics. We have fun. Oh! Hey, Rhiannon! Hey, Russell Baumann! Hey, Sam Koepnick! I recognize this guy.

He's the 204th frame in that scene from Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blasted out the airlock. That's a deep cut, but look it up, it's also an- OHHHH! Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, hey, Seed's passport lists their sex as too brief for all the heartache it's caused over the years. We got Space Champ in here, oh, Spotty Reception, Super Knot, Tty reception! Super not! Tater's tails! Hey, Tater's tails, you smell like the sock you find stuck to a teenager's wall when you move the bed. Oh, you're just in there. You're looking for drugs or something because you don't understand the sudden distance between you and the child who used to love you and BAM!

Crusty old taters tails! OH! Ayy, it's Ted H, Thomas Cavazzo, Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo! Ayy, I see Victor Melavankin here! You look like you lost a fight to a puff adder who was itself already dying of cholesterol poisoning Oh Hey booster. Hey, you got the anti-venom. No, you don't. Hey Waylon Russell. Hey, you gonna call somebody No, you aren't. Oh, never mind though cuz of on clap homes here. She can just

It's my time. Thanks everyone. You've've been great not you Zack and Ava all right all right don't forget to tip your waitresses we all know Gareth ain't gonna do it oh but no seriously you gotta you gotta tip a man though you gotta tip them the law says you can pay him below minimum wage if it's a tip position it's fucked up capitalism is fucked oh