The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 232, Battle of the Breakfast Cereal with Patrick Reed

Episode Date: June 18, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Patrick Reed for some ring side incredulity as two of wrestling most fearsome titan's... General Mills and Kellogg's oh god. Look, you have a favorite cereal, right? We'll, wait till the end to see if your brand loses. Spoiler: It does. Hard.

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOTDOG Dog America's last comedy website. I'm your host on nutritious and delicious part of a balanced beatdown. I'm Robert Brockway and with me is my co-host. He's packed with vitamins A and K. That's right, a salt and kill. It's Sean, baby. I'm gonna wrap this complete breakfast around your dick, dude! And our guest tonight, he's got 40% of your daily recommended fiber intake so he can kick your ass from the inside out. It's Patrick Reed!

I wish I had a wrestling promo bit to do. Now I... I just did it! You don't have to! Perfect. Yeah. Welcome. You get off the hook because you brought us what we're talking about today. It was something we were looking for for a while. We'll get to that in a second. But first, where can people find more from you? My website is patrickwread.com. You can find everything else from there. I was about to say, you know how the internet works. You can just find stuff. You can't anymore.

No. Ask chatGBT And it'll tell you like parts of a horse. Yeah, it'll tell you that I died in the Crimean War and invented the grapefruit. And then it'll poison you. It loves to poison. grapefruits. And then it'll poison you. It loves to poison. Okay, websites.

We've got those. Sean, anything you want to plug today? Oh yeah, 1900hotdog.com. It's also easy to find. Just call it on any touch-tone phone for laughs. And I'd like to plug my new novel, but I'm not going to. Let's get started. We're talking about the Battle of the Breakfast

Cereal. This is a special private event that happened May 1st, 1989 at the Hyatt Hotel in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was the AWA, I believe. It was a wrestling event. It was a private corporate match for a Kellogg's sales convention. This terrified me, because I didn't realize what it was until about 15 minutes in. And once I did, it was like, this wave of awareness hit me that like, there are other things like this out there.

Like maybe thousands of things like this. I felt that same terror. I was like, I did not know you could or would, definitely not should, book a full event professional wrestling match to promote your corporate sales event, like at the corporate sales event. Yeah. And when you think this is a 1980s wrestling show about breakfast cereal, everything that you're imagining, it isn't. Yeah, not even close. You can picture there are going to be guys in mascot costumes as Captain Crunch or the Coco Pops Monkey or little Snap, Crackle and Pop Luchadors, and it's not that at all.

God, those are good ideas though. That would have been a much better show. That would whip ass. That would whip ass. Yeah. That would whip ass. It's crazy what this actually is, but yeah, it's strangely competent, but also like, they don't put that level of effort into it. It's way more effort than you would assume, but then much less effort than it would take to be good. So it's in a very strange space. If you go to a lot of like local pro wrestling shows,

which I have, I lived in Portland many years, and there's a big local pro wrestling scene, but you go to a show sometimes and there's like five to 10 people in the crowd. And it's always kind of a weird vibe because sometimes the two wrestlers will just try to die in front of this tiny group of people. And sometimes they're like, well, fuck this.

If there's only 10 people here, we're not gonna go hard. And so we saw a little bit of that in this event. A couple of people were like, okay, let's do it. Let's give them the fucking show of their life, these Kellogg's reps. And other people are like, all right, I'm gonna do one hip toss and we are calling it a day. Fuck this thing.

So. You kidding? Yeah, I think one of those people that decided not to put in the effort was the was the announcer Inside announcer because he would often say we've got a 15 minute match here and then like I don't know six minutes into it He'd be like, that's it. Oh his time cues are incredible There is there's a 15 minute match and four minutes in. He says, right, it's eight minutes past, there's two minutes remaining.

So funny. Like there's a kayfabe on time? I don't know, I don't know how far I'm supposed to suspend my disbelief. That's a lot, that's a lot that we're kayfabing time that we're fast forwarding through life itself. And you're supposed to roll with that, but they did, they did.

This is specifically, it's called, they're battling for the In Your Space trophy. And that's because they held this in Minneapolis, the home of their hated rival, General Mills. Remember, this is Kellogg's. So this is pro, the whole thing is pro-Kellogg's. It's all Kellogg's salesmen fighting. The General Mills region,

and they're like up in their territory. Yeah, they're bringing the fight to them. I just thought it was completely generic, like in your face type of thing. No, it's like, wow. It's supposed to be in their face. It's directly in General Mills face. I did hate this more and more as we went,

because I started to realize the vibe was kind of a mean spirited, like, hey, fuck you, General Mills, which became more and more pathetic as the event went on. Because like a little friendly rivalry. I feel it's fair to be sort of like, hey, our team is better than your team, ha ha. But like in sort of fun.

And this was just like, no, we're better than you. We'll beat you up. It's so mean-spirited because it has the vibe of an inter-company competition, but it's just Kellogg's paying people to pretend to be their competitors and lose every fight. Yeah, if they were playing volleyball

or arm wrestling or whatever the fuck, it'd be something, but this is just like, we're gonna pretend both sets of people were paying them, and the one that we pay to look like you are gonna pretend to lose, ha ha, we're the toughest. It's just, okay. The heel work that the wrestlers do in this, the General Mills wrestlers do,

it's almost not enough to justify the fury of the playing speakers on the Kellogg's people, because they're coming out and they're being like, we're heels, but we're gonna have a good time. And then the Kellogg's like actual, employee will come out to speak and he'll be like, we're gonna go out there and we're gonna kill every single employee of General Mills that we find.

Like, what the fuck are you doing? Like what? There was one speaker who absolutely does not get pro wrestling or what the vibe should have been. Yes. But first up, before they get started, they're gonna sing the national anthem. Love this.

To do that, they have a very matronly woman in a full tablecloth come out and somebody goes, ow. Yeah, someone's whistling at the, I said she looks like she's from a turn of the century Amish church. So I'm glad you picked up on her chastity. And how that was completely ignored by the middle management of Kellogg's. Yeah.

But the second they see her, they're ogling, and she's just, she is in just a full circus tent. Just an absolute square. You can hear- She comes out in a box. You can hear when she leaves the ring after singing the national anthem, someone off mic saying, hey animals, quiet down. It's because the wolf whistles go out of control. That's the moment that you realize that there are probably two women in this entire building. I can't verify the second, but one crowd shot you can see there's a woman, but I never found a second woman because I was looking after that. I was like, I gotta find a second woman.

This is a room full of middle-aged 1980s corporate guys who just saw... ...some of a fraction of a lady's leg and they have lost their minds. See, I came to a different realization. I also came to a realization at that point, and it was that all of these men are dangerously drunk. Everyone in this audience is just fucking hammered. Absolutely. Like, there was for sure an open bar before this. Yeah, I don't know if you've ever done a corporate, you know, as a stand-up band, and I've never

seen a corporate wrestling show before this one, but I know I have friends who are drag acts and comedians and so on, who you do a corporate gig, it's where you get your money from. And it's always late in the day and everyone is blind drunk and no one is there to see you. I would argue they're not drunk enough. If I had if I had a lever that made them drunker or less drunk, I would push it towards more drunk. I think they're on dangerously drunk. They're really into this. They're really into this in a way I would not expect from a corporate team building exercise. Now, I was going to say that there's no point where any of them rush the ring or anything like that, but there's also some very abrupt camera cuts in this.

Yeah. I mean, they're all pussies, of course. They're breakfast salesmen. Yeah, I suppose. There's a point where I think one of them tells his boss to shut the fuck up. Yeah. And I couldn't make out what the guy in the crowd said, but it's pretty clear the boss is like, all right, all right, I'll get back to the wrestling show.

People are making mistakes. People are making like career mistakes at this show is the vibe. Some of them are wearing bright red Kellogg's sale meeting branded sweatshirts, and I really want one. Yeah, I want the little jackets. So, okay, this is time to introduce everybody. And speaking of the little jackets, the bad guys come out in like slick satin breakfast robes with the names of breakfast cereals on them. Before we get the wrestlers, they introduce the judges.

Yeah. Uh huh. And we never hear from them again and we never see them. Yeah, there's not a lot of judging in professional wrestling. Nobody judges anything. No, all I know is that the first one is they announced him as from the Central Zone, Bud Morgan. From the Central Zone, from the zone beyond space. I don't know if you realize this, but outside of America, we just think that every white American male is called Bud Morgan. It just saves time.

That is a real American name. In the Midwest, 100%. Yeah, most of my friends are named Bud Morgan from the central zone, if I'm being honest. Like six other Bud Morgans in that crowd were like, oh me? No, no bud Morgan from the central zone if I'm being honest like six other bud Morgan's in that crowd We're like, oh me No, no, no, the one up front. You're the left central zone dumbass So, yeah, they introduced the judges they don't do anything and then they introduced the good guys the good guys all come out in Wrestling panties and sweet breakfast baseball jackets. Those are the ones I want

I want the just Team Kellogg's. And not everyone, like, okay, to give you the idea of how seriously they're taking this, a couple of the guys are not wearing athletic supporters and they come out in like dick visible panties. And I'm like, okay, this dude is phoning it in today. He knows things aren't gonna get rough. Yeah.

They do adopt breakfast themed names and personas. So in the first match, it's gonna be Nutri-Rockne, They do adopt breakfast themed names and personas. So in the first match, it's gonna be Nutra Rockne, which I did not understand at all. I had to look it up. Rockne is like an ancient football player who sort of became synonymous with tough guys. So Rockne is, you know, like Rambo. If you named a guy Rambo, you'd get what that meant.

Nutra is like, you know, they got like Nutra Green or whatever the Rambo, you'd get what that meant. Nutrious Rambo? You know, they got Nutri-Grain or whatever the fuck. Yeah, I had to look this up as well. I think his name was Newt Rockney. Yeah. So it's great reference when 100% of the people are like, I'm going to have to look that up. I don't know, most of the people in this audience probably do remember a football player who died in the 1930s. Yes, I was about to say that he'd been dead for decades when they filmed this. Yeah, this is 1989. So for 60 years, he had been dead. It's a 60 year old brat. All right. And he's fighting total the terrible after the total breakfast cereal.

He's having fun. He's like throwing cereal crowd and get ready for that. Because like apparently, as you would expect at a sales conference, everyone got just tons of samples of breakfast cereal. And like I said, they are getting dangerously mistake drunk. And the only thing they have to throw is breakfast cereal. is breakfast cereal. So everybody throwing breakfast cereal at everybody at all times, loose fistfuls of cereal, full just boxes, weapon of mental. Here's the thing. I have done some pro wrestling

and it doesn't seem like this should be a dangerous thing, but to cover the ring in corn flakes, you are gonna get some scratches. And as the night goes on, anybody who went to the mat will get up and there's just a few little cuts. Like you can just see little chunks of blood on their back and arms.

Just because sliding onto a cornflake is gonna break the skin. My worry is, at one point you see the ring and towards the end of the night, it's covered in just pulverized cereal dust. Like somebody's gonna slip on that doing a very dangerous move. That shouldn't be ordinarily very dangerous, at the end of the night, it's covered in just pulverized cereal dust. Like somebody's gonna slip on that doing a very dangerous move.

That shouldn't be ordinarily very dangerous, but if you slip in the middle of it, you're gonna die for the breakfast cereal match? Yeah. It's so stupid that this is like something I saw, I'm like, oh, that's kind of dangerous, but it's just dumb assholes throwing cereal. But it's a bad idea.

It's a bad idea. And I think the way wrestling works is that if you die in that persona, that's the one they have to mourn. So your gravestone will say, total the terrible. Buried in his powder blue robe. Like, I played so many better characters. Yeah, but you died as total the terrible.

So, like, that's what we must mourn. It's Mike Enos is totally terrible. And Tommy Jammer is new to Rockne. If those names mean anything to you, I'm not I'm not too deep in my. I have no idea who Tommy Jammer is. Sweet. Mike Enos is a wrestler who shows up pretty much everywhere over the years. He was he was one of the Beverly

brothers in the WWF. Okay. That was a little... That was the 90s, I think. Yeah, kind of early 90s. They were managed by the Genius. That's the main thing anyone would remember. Oh, Lanny Poffo! Yeah, yeah. See, it does mean something to you. Good for you guys. They were managed by Macho Man's brother. Now it means something to everybody.

Okay. It took two degrees to get to something familiar. Next up is Mr. O Portunity. Oh God. Another one I didn't really understand. I think he's a Cheerio, right? Kellogg's has Cheerios? No, no.

General Mills has Cheerios. Oh Jesus. But he's the good guy. He's Team Kellogg's, so that's why I didn't get it. Those are just called like Honey Nut O's, I think. So it was for the generic ripoff of cheese, the generic ripoff of Cheerios versus Cheerios. So the evil General Mills guy is Hondo the Honeybee Haymaker.

I liked him because when he was throwing cereal at the crowd, he kind of seemed sorry about doing it. He's like, ah, sorry guys, they told me to do this. This is really rude. It's a really strange thing at the moment that they introduce everyone before their matches. So they bring everyone out as if the match is starting. And then I was so confused that they just introduced the next match before anything happened.

So I can't remember if it's now or when they actually wrestle, that Hondo the Honey Bee Haymaker shouts into the audience, we're more nutritious! Ah, that's later. That is later. What a villainous thing to say. It's Derek Dukes as Mr. O'Portunity and Wayne Bloom as Hondo the Honey Bee Haymaker. Then it's Dr. K versus the General.

Dr. K of course is the Kellogg's team and the General is for General Mills. It's Colonel De Beers. Colonel De Beers, when I looked him up, I was like, okay, I kind of remember this guy, but I did remember Wahoo McDaniel in his visible dick panties because I love a good racial wrestler

and he wore full headdresses to the ring when he wasn't a serial monster. Oh no. He was a maxed out Indian. And I looked that up, he did have some chalked-out blood. I think he was not like a Latino dude dressed as an Indian. He wasn't just an Italian man like most Native Americans. That was my immediate assumption in the 1980s.

That's an Italian. At this point, he is 51 years old. And if you haven't seen this, that is a 1989 51-year-old man, which is very different to a 2025 51-year-old man. Yeah, if you're looking for him, he's the only one shaped like Dr. Robotnik. Yeah. I said it looks like a barrel in underpants but I think that's like how they made dudes back then like he just looks like the hardest fucking guy.

He's watching color fireplug of a man. Yeah, if you were playing Elden when you're like oh fuck I don't have the shit to kill this guy. That's the best armor. And the general is Colonel De Beers, as you said. Mm hmm. Colonel De Beers is gimmick was that he was a pro apartheid South African militant who refused to wrestle with black wrestlers. Yes, and he did not change the costume. So also General Mills must feel that way. Yeah, they're like that. Good note.

They're like, just wear your costume that you normally wear. We love everything about it. The South African apartheid costume as General Mills, so that the people think General Mills is pro apartheid. But Wahoo, we need you to lose the headdress because Colonel De Beers will not wrestle you if you're wearing that. General General Mills, they speak about it as if there is a person called General Mills, even outside of this. It is real childlike to not get what they meant by General Mills.

No, like, just generally the Mills, you guys. It's not a farm commander. It's like they thought if they just got the homonym wrong for fucking an hour straight we'd forget about it. But no, it bothers me every single time. So the general comes out with a box of special K, the enemy serial, which he throws to the ground and elbow drops so hard his little beret flies off. And then he gets up and starts stomping it just to like drive in, I hate this serial. I think that might be the best

part of the entire show. It's great, come in and just attack. The first thing, the first fight in this match is the general versus serial. And he fucking kicks its ass. Then Dr. K comes in for his intro. He doesn't even rescue the serial. That's what the Kellogg's guy should do. He should like scoop it all up lovingly. Go take care of it. She had a broom out. Just leaves it there. I won't leave you behind.

And finally it's the tag teams, the Mills brothers, Pat Tanaka and Paul Diamond. I know these guys because I mentioned I love a good racial wrestler and these guys were the Orient Express. And the non-Asian guy was Kato. He wore a Spider-Man mask to hide his Caucasian. So he was, if you're thinking, oh, they're not going to let the white guy in the Orient Express, like, no, they thought of that.

Yeah, they only had the one, the one willing to do it. Also Patanaka is Hawaiian. Oh, for two. Two big swings. The Mills brothers come in, the audience, like I mentioned, still throwing cereal the whole time. The ring is come in, the audience, like I mentioned, still throwing cereal the whole time. The ring is covered in cereal at this point. And then the good guys are Tom Zank and Greg Gagney

as the S&M team. Perfect. Which stands for, of course, everybody say it with me, sales and marketing. Sex and, oh, okay. No, I think it's 1988. In this era, I think Phil Donahue would have done an S&M show every sweeps week.

So like, there's no excuse to not know what the fuck this means, which means they're being cute about it. Or alternate theory, this is probably unlikely, but what if this Minneapolis serial convention is a bunch of squares? Oh shit, they might not know. They might not know.

That's definitely in line with the history of Kellogg's. Oh that's right, the Graham Cracker thing. Yeah, this is all anti-masturbation as well. Tacitly, don't masturbate to this. The fuck it was! I mean, it's too late for some of us, but if you're listening at home, don't masturbate to this. I mean, like's too late for some of us, but if you're listening at home, don't masturbate to this. I mean, like, full disclosure, the SNM team, the dynamic duo of sales and marketing,

it's probably about 90% of the reason I pitched this. It's so oblivious. I knew Tom Zenk because he was in the Can-Am connection with Rick Martel, which means according to my childhood memory Canada counts as race. I don't know what you want to do with that. Greg Darnier, his tag partner in this match, who I assume is sales, he is the son of the promoter of the AWA and that's why he's wrestling. You're a depo baby and this is what you get from it? You're a depo baby and this is what you get from it? You're not the favorite.

If you've got any siblings, this is an advanced preview of the will. This is what the will will look like. That's grim. So before each match they have a speaker, a Kellogg speaker come out and the ref announces his weight and height first? That seems a little bit brutal. It's a great fit. And he, he is there not to give them inspirational speech. I mean,

Sean already mentioned the vibe on this. The vibe on this is real weird and nasty where it should be like fun poking fun at your rivals. No, no, no. We're here to just whip our sales teams into a frothing fury at the injustice they've suffered from General Mills. I, of course, have a clip of his speech. We're gonna fight these guys. We're gonna fight them in the supermarket.

Where's Don Scott? We're gonna fight them on the loading docks. Okay? We're gonna fight him on the loading docks. Okay? We're gonna fight him in the research labs. We're gonna fight these guys on TV. We're gonna fight him on the printed page. And I gotta tell you, we're gonna fight him until hell freezes over. And when that happens, we're gonna fight him on the ice!

Yeah! We distribute Kellogg's cereal to grocery stores! He's up there giving the 300 speech to a bunch of drunk Minneapolis salesmen about how they're going to sell more cereal, and he says we're going to fight them on the ice once hell freezes up. It's so unnecessarily badass. It's a great life. Every single wrestler backstage is writing that down in their notebook. It's fucking sweet. The wrestlers are backstage being like, guys, I think we fucked up coming here.

I'm getting a little bit scared. I think these guys are going to hunt us. These guys are drunk as shit. They're going to go lyn frankenberry after this. I think you managed to clip the only part of this speech where he isn't doing a network reference. God damn that fucking network line. He just quotes network like oh he gets he gets the whole arena chanting the line from

network. It was it on the hotel TV the night before? It had to have been because okay I looked looked this up. Network came out 13 years before this event took place, which means that whole we're mad as hell. We're not going to take it anymore, which they say at least 50 times during this event. It would be like someone quoting the famous line from cloud Atlas for an hour straight. Everyone remembers all the famous lines from Cloud Atlas. I don't even have to say it, but I'm just trying to give you the timeline of what that would look like in that era. Hello, my name is Jonathan Cloud and here's my Atlas. Is that one of them?

Yeah. Hello, my name is Jonathan Cloud. And the whole crowd's getting hype. Yeah. And here's my Atlas. Oh, I think the thing I love about this guy as well, there was a bit of it in that clip that you played, he will not stop until he has addressed every person in this room by name. He takes way more, at least it feels like he takes way more time than any of the wrestling matches, for this just World War II speech to drunk breakfast salesman.

To reveal a slightly different brand of raisin brand to the one he's going to war over. So the first match is called the Melee in Minneapolis and this is Nutri-Rockney versus Total the Terrible and they again have not cleaned any of the cereal out of the ring. But they're getting into the fight and at one point the announcer says, Nutri-Rocny is energized by the vitamins and minerals in Nutri-Grain cereal. Just that's the kind of commentary you're getting. The commentator is sort of in and out for the whole show. He's silent for half a match and then we'll say one of the laziest lines he's probably ever read in his life. And you see him at the beginning and the end of this show.

And I have never seen a wrestling commentator more obviously reading from a script in front of him. He has these terrible canned jokes, and then, yeah, he'll just kind of forget what he's doing. But it's also weird to have, like, the play-by-play being broadcast into the arena. I hate that. I have done wrestling shows where that's the case, and it does not work.

It's... People who don't go to wrestling matches but would see one at an event like this or you know some broader event where they're not there for the wrestling. Think oh it needs commentary because that's what it's like on TV. And it sucks. There are times you can make it work by basically being a bit of a hype man over a live mic, but that's not what this guy's doing. He's half asleep reading, like, he does two jokes with the same setup and different punchlines, and I didn't understand either of them.

Yeah, they bounced right off my brain. I didn't even write them down. Yeah, he gets deep into... See, I don't think he wrote his own pattern. I think I think the organizers of this event did because there's a lot of real deep cut breakfast salesman references to like to like types of reports and shit that they're trying to make a wrestling joke about a type of breakfast sales report. And you're like, what the fuck was that? As though the wrestler in the ring're like, what the fuck was that?

As though the wrestler in the ring is like, oh yeah, you heard what he said about my TSI reports. I think the thing that stuck out to me in this was that these guys are not giving anything to this match. They are doing such a by the numbers, like basic wrestling match. This is the exact match you do after your first day of pro wrestling training.

They're just like tie up, throw you into the ropes, hip toss, and it's just like, they do that like three times and then leave. And this is something you see in some local shows, like if a big name from the WWF Saturday morning from your childhood comes to town, he'll do like a clothesline and maybe a body slam and then like gone.

And that's like what this feels like. They're like, we're not, we're not putting anything on the line for these fucking serial fucks. Yeah, I'm not hurting my back for this one. Yeah, I refereed two shows in one day where our big draw was that we had Tatanka from the WWF. Of course, yeah.

Racial wrestler, of course I know him. Absolutely. And over the course of that show, I think think I left my feet more often than he did. I don't think he took a single move from anybody and the only time he ever fell backwards was with another man on his shoulders. He just came in, beat the shit out of our wrestlers and then got paid and left. So we'd do it. The best one I ever saw was Haksa Jim Duggan.

This was like in the early 2000s. He came in and we were like, he's not gonna do a move. I don't think he did a move. He just chanted USA for like 45 minutes and no one didn't love it. It was the fucking best night of our lives. That is absolutely, that's all you want from Jim Duncan. You would be disappointed if he wrestled. It would take away from USA chanting time. You'd be like, get back to what we came here for.

It looked like there'd be a fight. He would roll right out of the ring and just walk around the outside of the apron. Play the hits. USA! We're like, fuck yeah USA! I know there are old wrestlers of that sort of generation who will charge you more if you want them to lose. That's amazing. The last generation where that's a thing. But this is something I only came across once. Someone I know worked with Demolition. And Demolition would charge more by the bump. Oh Jesus. So if you wanted them to take a move,

that's gonna come extra. It's all a cart wrestling. You get to pick your hits. What you wanna do is lock them into an unlimited rate and then you just go in there, take 5 million bumps and then boom, you're a billionaire. The demolition financial advice. It's called business.

Yeah, I didn't write down much else about this first match. Some of them are more competent. This one is just real low energy. But it's time for our next speaker. He's the guy from London. He is, what was his role in the company? He's vice president of marketing. And I swear he's Australian.

That is not a British accent. He's got a wild accent, right? He might be a cookie elf. I thought he was fake. They gave his height and weight. I think he's a cookie elf. He's five, yeah, he's five foot five. Like, are they doing bits?

Is that why he's doing them? Yeah, he's like foot five. Like, are they doing bits? Is that why he's doing them? Yeah, he's like 140 pounds. I know we already mentioned this, but I don't want to move past how at the end of that match we just watched, where the guy did all the same moves you do to your five-year-old brother. He goes, in eight minutes and six seconds,

and I want to make it clear that it was exactly three minutes was the length of the match. Not even close. But everyone's so drunk, he's just like, I'm, listen, we're going to call each of these matches at about three minutes. And I'm going to say in an hour and 45 minute grueling marathon. Jar, I don't remember what happened. That's fine. Anyway, the, the new speaker says, says a bunch of like, gets real deep into breakfast sales and marketing terms as though the wrestlers are just off screen going, Oh yeah, the trade SSIs are real subpar.

Build the brand, drive the category. Fuck yeah. But then leans real hard into war talk again. He starts going straight to war. But also, it doesn't come as naturally to him as it does to the first guy. And at one point he says, this strategy will also continue to take most of our varied resources. Which I think means less than nothing. Although at one point he says they do have General Mills' marketing plan and implies without joking that this is due to serial espionage. I wrote that down too, that he heavily implies industrial espionage.

Yes. And that gets a laugh. But he is not joking. He seems like he wants to cut that off. He was like, no. No, men died. Men died for this. This is while he's attacking General Mills for engaging in dirty tactics. Right. He also calls these joke wrestling matches, which yeah, they kind of are, but... You don't say it. You don't say it.

You say that to Wahoo McDaniel's face. Yeah, man. This should have ended with the General just kicking him straight out of frame. Yeah, absolutely. Plus like, they're the event and you're like this guy getting in the fucking way of the event. Like you don't talk like this about the headliner

when you are the guy, people go to the bathroom when he's talking. Anyway, the part that cracked me up was he's like, he's got a simple two-part plan. This first part was just like corporate crap. The second part, he fights a war, a war of surprise. We gotta keep them guessing. And then the only thing he mentions

in the like unpredictable nature is like, we're going to buy up the smaller cereal manufacturers. And I just thought this was very funny because that's just basic capitalism. Like I feel like most people will expect that, that he's like, they'll never see this coming. We're going to do capitalism. They just, yeah.

He says about that he's been piecing together information from people in the field. Right. That's how they got the General Mills attack plan, which is presumably make breakfast cereal, sell breakfast cereal. Yeah. But men had to die for that information. Good men. Many Bothans. But men had to die for that information. Good men. Many Bothans. Serial men. And then he talks about introducing tactical products

to go head to head with competitors. Knockoffs. That's exactly what he means. He means knockoffs. He means knockoffs. He says, their names sometimes even sound like the competitor's product. Boo.

Don't boo me. You're on my team. Fuck this twerpy nerd. I wrote down a quote from him and he goes, we must move with quick silver speed. Ideally first to market. I like, yeah! Reject that confidence. We've got to be the first to add raisins or remove raisins. This is war! You gotta calm down. He swings so wildly between saying, at one point he refers to tactical guerrilla tactics. But then, by the end of that sentence,

he's saying, I'm angry about the bank panels, the trade allowances. Yeah, like just. But you can tell this guy gets bullied by his 11 year old like this guy. He's backstage before the before his speech, asking the wrestlers, like, how do you sell such confidence? You have any tips for me?

Can you make me a real big boy like you, fellas? Can I can I just try on the panties like yours? You don't need to get out of them first. Yeah, sure. But there's nothing going on underneath there. So heads up. Uh, so it's the going on underneath there, so heads up. So it's the second match, the Terror in the Twin Cities. The names are so good. And this is Mr. O Portunity versus Hondo the Honeybee Haymaker.

And Hondo once again comes out throwing cereal, and that's when he says this line. We're more nutritious! Amazing. Just to get him fired up. God, I'd be so pissed at that. That's definitely the bad guy. I want to see a wrestler doing that in a completely different context. Just shout that at a fan on any other show.

And they hate it just as much. Honestly, any context aside, there's only one context, this one, where a wrestler would ever say, we're more nutritious. It's just you couldn't have that line anywhere else. I feel like that buries the needle on silliness. We're 10 out of 10 silly, so why the fuck shouldn't he be in a Tony the Tiger costume?

It's 1989, there's at least 20 dudes in Minneapolis he be in a Tony the Tiger costume like it's 1989 there's at least 20 dudes in Minneapolis who fuck in a Tony the Tiger costume like the the costumes available like even if you don't want to wrestle in the big costume like just a guy with face paint or whatever that's fine or the same outfit why is he called Haymaker he's not a boxer he doesn't punch anyone He's not a boxer. He doesn't punch anyone. Why is he called Hondo? There's a massive backstory going on with him. Some of the guys are like, I'm total breakfast cereal the wrestler.

And he's like, my name's Hondo the honeybee haymaker. I'm a dental hygienist by day, but by night I'm a murderous grappler. And I use my honey to stick to my opponents. I'm a dental hygienist by day, but by night I'm a murderous grappler. And I use my honey to like stick to my opponents. I don't know. It seems like he's got some sort of story in his head that he's not telling us. This is a real 80s style wrestling match

where they're just kind of doing real basic moves, like, you know, tie up, toe drop, whatever. And then the bad guy will complain, hey, he touched my tights, he pulled my hair and like that's the drama of the match is that, hey, that guy's kind of not throwing me around, right? I did like that it was the bad guy complaining about the violations and then he would secretly sneak the exact violation he complained about in a little bit. I know it's basic but like it's something. Yeah, it's more than like the first guy's game. It's storytelling. Yeah, it's something.

They did a spot where he had a side headlock, and normally you get out of a side headlock by throwing a guy in an Irish whip, but then he like no-sold that a couple of times. So he's like, nope, I'm not letting go of the headlock. So it really was like a sixth grade fight. Yeah, and I genuinely love that. I don't want to talk too much about wrestling matches

and how they work or anything, because that's not what anyone's listening to this for. But I love people not getting out of a headlock by pushing them off into an Irish whip. Because if you try to do that, you're tearing your ears off. You need to loosen it up a bit first. And these are people who know what it feels like to be in a headlock. I think a lot of wrestlers now just,

oh, it's a headlock, I'll get out of it easily and go on and do the next thing. Whereas- I had a brother, so I mean, we spent about 40% of our childhood in headlocks. Exactly. That, yeah, this is about as complimentary as I'm gonna be for any of the wrestling in this,

which is, like Brocco said, I love the really complaining bad guys who are then going to do all the things they've complained about. Always works. Yeah, it's great. It's great. It's not reinventing the wheel or anything, but it's good. You know what my favorite part of this match was?

It was actually at the start, because the whole ring ring again, a whole ring is covered in cereal as these guys get drunker, they're throwing boxes in there in the middle of the match, just bouncing off of the wrestlers like it's wild that that's what a rowdy cereal convention looks like because that's the joke I would make. What do they throw? It's a far side cartoon. Yeah. Yeah, they are. But if those ring is covered in cereal. And before the match starts, Hondo leans down, picks up two individual pieces of cereal and throws them out of the ring. Thousands and thousands more all over the ring.

And he's like, I was worried about these two. I was gonna trip on them. That's so good. Okay, there's a moment in this match I do want to talk about specifically because Hondo climbs the rope with a box of cereal and he does a cereal axe handle on O Opportunity's face and Opportunity makes I think the dumbest possible choice because he no sells it. He's like, haha, that cereal box did not hurt me. It's like, no fucking shit, idiot.

No shit, dude. I don't know because this is 1980s wrestling. I don't know if what we're supposed to take away from that is, ha ha, it's bad cereal. It doesn't hurt when you hit a man in the head with it. Right? I don't know. What are they going for? Or if he's just doing an old racist wrestling trope about black people having really thick

skulls. Right. That could be. It's 1989 in Minneapolis. That could be. I think here's a third take. Because what happens is he accentuals him with a cardboard cereal box,

which you're like, oh, that shouldn't hurt, but it's a cereal match. Maybe it will. No, it doesn't. So like exactly what you expect happens. But then Mr. O'Portunity decides he is driven into a Hulk-like fury by being struck with this cereal.

I think it's the insult of being struck with an inferior cereal. That like, if his character is powered up on that, like if you would hit him with special K, he would be fucking down on the ground. But you hit him with Nutri-Grain whatever, Nut NutriGrain-Os, and he's like, Oh, oh fuck that, you don't hit me with an inferior serial. Because that's where the whole match turns around and then he just goes into a fury mode and instantly just pins Hondo. Like, it's over after that. He pins him after a top rope shoulder tackle. Dude, he missed by like five humans working distance.

That's what the commentator calls it, a top rock shoulder tackle. What it actually is, is Mr. Opportunity throwing himself as hard as he can head first into the floor and then being a human near him. Yep. If this event was a thing you could get fired from, he'd be gone. Like, it's not safe to have Mr. O'Portunity involved in this. He just fell on his face near a man. There's a few times where the announcer is like,

oh, it looks like he missed that one, but the wrestler does not sell it like he missed me. It's a very funny thing to do in a wrestling match. So let's get into the third match, no speaker between these two. This is the brawl near St. Paul. Great name. Just sort of near St. Paul,

in a place not remarkable enough to mention. This is Dr. K versus the general. Dr. K, he looks tough, but he look, it looks more like it's impossible to push him. Right? He's a Ram man. Absolutely. Yeah. It's like, he just looks like he's got such a solid grip on the ground. Like I would maybe, I would maybe not be too worried

about boxing the guy, but if you're like, you're the only way to win is to pin him, I'd be like, fuck that. Yeah, fuck that. I'm never gonna pin that guy. I don't think you can knock him over with a snowplow. I feel like the snowplow would buckle around him and he would have no idea.

It's just a, that's a stout barrel of dude is what that is. Here's the thing is they have a mic on the ring. So everything they say in the ring you can hear. And so when Dr. K throws his chops, they are fucking, and it sounds like a the ring. So like everything they say in the ring you can hear. And so when Dr. K throws his chops, they are fucking, it sounds like a car accident. He says, I saw some mack. Like he's bringing Ric Flair like heat with those chops. That was, yeah, that was Wahoo McDaniel's thing. Those chops and if you're not familiar with wrestling, what we call a chop is really just

an open palm slap to the chest as hard as you possibly can. There are ways to do it safely and just make a really good noise, but that's not what Dr. K is doing. He's just hitting a man as hard as he can. Yup. They brought it though. That's what I liked about this is they're these guys left with some Some headaches. This was a good good. I legitimately just enjoyed this as a wrestling match I think this was before the match starts. There is I think one of the most perfect wrestling images Which is the general walking through a curtain next to an a4 printout of a sign saying, Bad Guys in like, size 82 aerial fonts. And I don't think they meant it quite as a joke, I mean I think they're being a little silly,

but that I think was just to help the Square S audience like know what the hell's going on. If you don't have kids and don't know how this wrestling stuff works, these are the bad guys. The announcer even gets the only line that I legitimately liked in this episode. He says, the general was just released from the brig for trying to drown Captain Crunch. Like pretty solid. Yeah, yeah, that's fun.

I mean, the other ones were insider jokes about breakfast sales reports. So like, take a look at it. But that's like on theme, it's about cereal, it's about his military rank. It's about drowning Captain Crunch, which is always a funny visual. Yeah At one point dr. K gets the general in a full mustache lock. Yeah He did it hit him with a couple of face karate chops after the mustache lock That's a mustache lock into a face karate chop. It's fucking solid wrestling. Both handlebars of the mustache. Just wonderful.

Do we think Dr. K is supposed to be Dr. John Kellogg? Is he portraying the spirit of I think maybe. 1900s anti-masturbation campaign? Because who else is Dr. K, if not that? He fought like a guy who didn't masturbate. That's like what I took from his performance. His dick was basically out. It was never, you know, he didn't rub it on anybody. Yeah, no, it seemed like it was always plastic.

I was looking as close as I could. The image quality wasn't great, but I don't think he was ever erect throughout this match. So like, yeah, thematically on point. So towards the end of the match, Dr. K throws the general into the referee knocking him out of the ring. And they have this wonderful, beautiful shot of the referee just abandoned down in the gutter writhing in a pool of cereal. You can see they have made such a mess of this hotel function room. It's so filthy. You can see they have made such a mess of this hotel function room. It's so filthy.

It's like it was clearly just like a spot that was never really meant to be filmed. And he's just down there almost in a literal gutter, covered in various bits of cereal, just trying to sell like I'm dying down here. It's really tragic and beautiful. And I think this convention center carpet was gross before all the cereal was there. Yeah, it's never... I'm glad you mentioned it because it cut to that. It's just this filthy... It looked like a scene from Seven. You're just like, get this off the fucking screen. This is disgusting.

It's pretty abysmal. It really is. It sounds like just a tawdry sadness that is almost artistic. So while the referee's out of the ring, the general reaches into his cereal box. And again, the image quality isn't great. I think maybe what was supposed to be implied was that he pulled like a weapon from the cereal box. Yes, foreign object. And hit him.

It scanned to me like he pulled Cheerios out and whipped them right into Dr. K's eyes. And it fucking took him the fuck out. He's like, God, cereal, my eyes. So it's just about to deliver the final blow, the general to Dr. K, when the S&M boys run in and take him down. And then they- S&M boys run in and take him down. S&M ambush, the best kind.

Gotta love a Minneapolis S&M ambush. I'm just talking about Jim Sales and Tom Marketing. Their names have to be Sales and Marketing. They're never introduced individually. Okay, my favorite part of this, it's not that they run in and then they even the score, because the general cheated by getting a weapon, or just Cheerios are a weapon, whichever way they were playing it. They didn't just run into even the score, they ran in and then they picked up the ref still, just sprawled down there half unconscious and threw him back into the ring so that he could groggily call a match.

That's the extra step I really liked. Before that, so when the general takes the foreign object, whatever it's meant to be, out of the box of cereal and hits Dr. K, he then hides the weapon, there's obviously no weapon, but he hides it in his tights. And if you look, Dr. K goes and tries to find it inside the cereal box after he's been hit. His instinct is to go and look in the box of Cheerios to see what he just got hit with. For the secret prize, which was a punch to the face. This match, the referee says in eight minutes and 12 seconds. This match was 13 minutes, two seconds.

Pretty close. Pretty close. He went longer. He's not just like shortening time. He's generally lost in time. Just thinks everything is eight minutes long. He has become unstuck in time. So the third speaker comes out with a fully different energy.

He did not get the we're doing war memo So he's coming out and talking about like sales funds and marketing approaches But at one point he starts talking about his former bully in seventh grade and even names him Leonard Wozniak Yeah, and somebody from the crowd goes whoo Leonard Wozniak Like know him that guy's awesome used to bully the shittiest nerds Or they're just they're just generally cheering for their bullies boss They're like, no, that guy's awesome. He used to bully the shittiest nerds. Or they're just generally cheering for their bully's boss. Yeah, the boss's bully. Oh, that's right, the boss's bully.

This story went nowhere. He said his parents told him to punch the bully in the nose and then the story just ended. We don't know if he did that. We don't know if he did that and it went badly. It's, he just moved on. This sucks. If I was in this crowd, I'd be booing. This guy is the dad in any, like straight to video 80s comedy.

Yeah. Any kind of gross out teen comedy. Yeah. He's a real older nerd. But just, I love that getting drunk enough at a corporate team building event to woo the idea that somebody bullied your boss. I think Leonard Wozniak was right. This guy sucks. This guy... Leonard was right! Leonard! Leonard! Leonard! And today, you might know Leonard Wozniak better as...

Total The Killer! Let's get him out of here, boys, he's gonna noogie me. So it's time for the fourth match, which is the Rile in the Isle. They came up with half a name there. This match has stakes. Whoever wins this gets the unmarked trophy. They gave up on Minnesota naming references. Yeah, they named all the Minnesota towns they could think of. And what's the aisle?

Maybe it's a Minnesota reference? We can't be sure. Like I thought they were being coy about like, oh, they're going to fight out here outside of the ring in the aisle. They do not. So what does that mean? Yeah, that is exactly what I thought they meant by it. And I've only just realized that that doesn't work when you said that now. Yeah, it's madness.

So, uh, the thing I go in the Mills Brothers, throw one of the S&M team out of the ring, and the general attacks him when the ref isn't looking. Classic bad guy stuff. And things seem bleak, like he's all wobbly, he's really settling like, oh I can barely stand. When what's this? Somebody in the crowd slips him a box of Kellogg's Cornflakes. And it's got the vitamins he needs to defeat his opponents. What a wonderful moment. You knew that had to happen. But it doesn't. He eats some cornflakes, gets in the ring, and immediately gets hit in the face. Not only does he do nothing. So he eats the cornflakes, he gets all powered up. He's like, I'm back! He gets in there immediately clocked in the face and down.

Which is very funny. But before he does that, he grabs a fistful of cornflakes from the box and hurls them in, I think, Patanaka's face, who sells it like he's just been hit with boiling mace. He's like, oh god, my eyes! Like, what does cereal do to eyes? We almost lost Patanaka. I wouldn't want to get cornflakes in my eyes. Yeah, I agree. I guess. Like, I also, but I'm pretty sure it would just kind of bounce off, unless you're like really holding them eyeballs open to like get that cornflakey goodness in there. If you're gonna do it, like make it the bad guy cereal. It hurts your eyes because it's so bad. But he throws the good guy cereal at him and he's like, yeah!

But unless it's maybe it's holy water. It's holy water. Yeah, that's gotta be it. It hurts the Mills brothers, which I know it's another example of them thinking that they don't know what Mills means. Maybe okay, so they were cornflakes. Maybe Pat Tanaka was really horny before that happened. Oh, right. And just like the shock of getting all the horniness driven out of him at once from him

getting the getting the cornflake blast. You're speaking about ejaculating. So you're saying when Pat Tanaka ejaculates, he almost dies. With a jo- but it's Kellogg, so it's a jollilus ejaculate. Oh, I get it. It's like it's a dry ejac, we call it. The old dry-jack.

Dude, he wrestles in bare feet, cause he's Hawaiian and that's pretty normal, but I don't think it mixes with the cornflakes. So he is slipping all over the place. He almost dies. They do like some real basic hip toss shit and I'm like, oh wow, like he, that went about as bad as they could go. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

And you would be buried as Mills Brothers they could go. That's what I'm saying. And you would be buried as Mills Brothers, number one, is that what you would be buried if that goes wrong. So the rest of this match, there's kind of a moment where they're doing like the SNM boys, Tom Sales

is like reaching out to tag in John Marketing and buddy the gref keeps not seeing the tag and so like he won't allow it. So he's just getting more and more beaten. It's kind of a way to drive up drama. Like this isn't, they're not doing as good a job at the actual wrestling part.

But again, they put more thought into this than I would have considered for what I found out this event was, which was a private wrestling match for breakfast salesman. I think what it was missing is something to distract the ref. Like it was just like they make the tag and the ref's like, no, I didn't see it.

Well, nothing was distracting you. I think maybe Pat Tanaka was supposed to be in there distracting him. He's like, I'm not walking on those fucking cornflakes again. It's like walking on Legos. Like I'm not doing it. But the bleakest moment when when Tom Sales is getting choked out and he just can't get the tag, the announcer comes in for some brutal, absolutely brutal

trash talk. What did he say, killer? What did you say? What did you say about the Mills brothers are not all that smart? They think scan track is a scenic train. Yeah, look at how good Sellos's is doing now, big man! It ain't over till it's over! He's gonna fuck that announcer up.

Don't you scan track at me! Whatever scan track means, I'll fucking do it to your wife! You're playing I didn't know what scan track was! That's not a whole bitch. That's the second... They're so stupid they don't know what scan track is joke. Yep. In the episode.

They have the same setup with two different punchlines and I still don't know what scan track is. Aww, you fucking idiot. It's some kind of train, right? It's some kind of train, right? Just I just love that the wrestler Because because the commentaries pumped in feels obliged to answer back to that like I'm I'll fucking kill you for that scan track joke So Tom sales tries to start a crowd chant to give him strength But I think everybody's into it, but they're too drunk to know what he's doing. So he's just chanting himself Yes to get it started.

He's like trying to slap the mat, like, all right, let's get a clap going. They're like, what the? Woo! Trying to get them chanting sails and mock at them. We're less nutritious! We're less nutritious! So, but he finally thinks like,

okay, I've got the spirit of the crowd on my side. I'm all powered up. And he gets back up, nope, right back to getting choked out crowd on my side. I'm all powered up and he gets back up. Nope, right back to getting choked out. Right, doesn't even land a single move. Just back to getting choked out immediately. It's extremely funny. The good guys also do this thing that you don't normally see

from a good guy where they're gonna win the match, but instead they're like, no, no, no, I'm gonna torture him some more. We're not, and so they like pull them up from the pin to like do some more moves to him. It's just, you don't see that kind of sadism from, at least not the S&M team. You're really watching,

we're really watching some serial brands suffer, hurt and die in this patch. It's the point of it. So they finally get the tag and then they team up. They knock out one of the Mills brothers. They get the other one, the old SNM double team. Just, it's just serial talk, maybe it's nothing filthy. I do, hold on.

I do think SNM might be a really good wrestling team idea. If one guy just loves to get his ass kicked and the other guy is super torturous and mean, like that's. Absolutely. I think that's a great idea. That's not quite the dynamic we have here. But there's a point here where the commentator says now we've got absolute total chaos and so little happens immediately after he says that.

Yep. Total chaos. Hi everybody. There's a lot of Luceria. Say something about scan track. Yeah, what the fuck. That was sweet. Do the Scan Trek joke.

Scan Trek, Scan Trek. But anyway, that's the match. That's the event. The announcer reads a little script about how Kellogg's thoroughly beat General Mills right in their own backyard. And I'm just, I'm sure that would all land a lot better if the crowd wasn't already completely blitzed and just marching off to murder the Trix rabbit right now. Like they're so hyped. They got nowhere to point that energy. Like they're, you know, the next day somebody burned up, burned a car.

What do they say? They say this is a humiliating defeat of General Mills. Like, no, man, this is sad. This is baby shit. You should be ashamed of yourself for putting this event together. There was some humiliation. I don't think General Mills were feeling any of it. This is like if you caught, if your bully caught you building a bunch of dolls of you beating up the bully and you're like, haha, looks like you've lost all these doll fights, bully. Like it's it's it's so fucking pathetic. And the fact that it was kind of like

good, like competently put together with like well-known regional wrestlers. It doesn't make it better. It might, it might accentuate it. And that bully's name? Leonard Walsick. Our podcast is great! And with maximum Ciao! Say Frankfurt Podcast? Correct! Yes! The craft is not bad, it is not without

Send it to the dog zone For an hour! Come on! You know the number! 1900 1900 Frankfurt 1900

1900 Frankfurt 1900 1900 Frankfurt The historic hot dog club here in beautiful, connected New York, welcome to the stage our own in-house in- insult comic, Jimmy Jiggles. Oh hey, thank you, thank you. Don't applaud too hard, you ain't heard by SetJet. Hey, I see a lot of Supremes out there in the crowd today. Aaron Crustin, Adrian H. I see Alex Nolenberg here. Hey Alex, I hope you get hit by a speedboat like a manatee.

Oh! Alpha Scientist Javo, Unandy Armando Nava, Autumn Armstrong Berg, you look like a volunteer editor for WikiFeed. Oh! Bim Talzer, Brandon Garlock, Brian Saylor, oh I see somebody here named Brockway famously loves the meat milly. Well I happen to know the guy and guess what? He does.

Burrito! Cereal! Cheddar Wolf! You smell like palm oil and old breast milk. Ah-ho! Common Sense! Craig Lemoine! Dan B!

David Schill! I heard your AI girlfriend cheated on you! It's not supposed to be possible. Science is studying it. Oh! Dean Costello, Delta Foxtrot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's Rad Title, Elizabeth Shope,

some people get a bench dedicated to them when they die. You're gonna get the corner chair in a Motel 6. Oh, double up. Oh, oh. Elliot Watson, Eric Christianberg, Fancy Shark, Jell-o-ho. Hey good Satan and his hot witches. You know the way that paste the dentist used to polish your teeth tastes? No of course you don't.

Oh, Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Penguini, A.S.C. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Jared Mountain Man, Jared Ruiz, it's the Jared- OHHH! Jeff O'Rasky, John Dean, I bet all the microplastics in your balls is gonna turn your babies into spiders. Spider- OHHH! John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh S, Joshua Greaves, A. Justin B, you seem like the kind of guy who's had multiple pets die because of his unmedicated ADHD. Uh, uh, uh, oh, sorry that one got stuck. Ken Paisley. K.N.M. Kamoutsis. K.V.H. I heard you got banned from Bumble and not even for a good pervert reason.

You just made people too sad. Hold on, let me load the O-. All right now. Let me cock it. All right pull Oh Oh, Oh Missed all three times Lane, Hey good Lisa M. Jahee Chappelle. Hey Mark Mahoney You seem like the fourth guy to die trying to rescue a dog from a septic tank. Tragic oh! Matt Riley, Max Baroi, Moju!

Hey you guys like politics? I hear the best comedy's political these days. Let's try some. A mercenary sissetman. Jeff Bezos called. He wants his personality back. Oh! Michael Lehr.

Mort. Mr. Bob Gray. ND, I see Neil Bailey here, I see Neil Schaeffer here, I see NECA 104 here, we got Nick Levino, hey Nick Levino, Elon Musk called, he wants his weird torso back, tors- oh! Obsolete, Henri Weevil, we got Ozzy Olin. Double O. We got Patrick Herbst. Peewee's uncle, I hope your spouse leaves you for a Republican.

Oh, Rebrandrew, I hope you get the kind of concussion that turns you Republican. Oh, you and Peewee's uncle's wife deserve each other and I hope you're very happy. Oh, all right, all right, that's enough politics, we have fun. Oh! Hey, Rhiannon! Hey, Russell Baumann!

Hey, Sam Koepnick! I recognize this guy! He's the 204th frame in that scene from Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blasted out the airlock. That's a deep cut, but look it up, it's also an- OHHHH! Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, hey, Seed's passport lists their sex as too brief for all the heartache it's caused over the years. We got Space Jam fan here, oh, Spotty reception, Super Knot, Tater's Tales, hey Tater's Tales,

you smell like the sock you find stuck to a teenager's wall when you move the bed. Oh, you're just in there, you're looking for drugs or something, because you don't understand the sudden distance between you and the child who used to love you and bam, crusty old Tater's Tales. Oh, hey it's Ted H, Thomas Cavazzo, Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo! Hey I see Victor Melovenkin here, you look like you lost a fight to a

puff adder who was itself already dying of cholesterol poisoning oh hey booster hey you got the anti-venom no you don't hey Waylon Russell hey you gonna call somebody no you aren't oh never mind though cuz if on clap I'm here she can just oh it's my time thanks everyone you've been great not you second Ava all right all right don't forget to tip your waitresses we all know Gareth ain't gonna do it oh great.