The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 233, The Infernal Dictionary with Dennard Dayle

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Dennard Dayle. Today we're going to help Dennard become the world's next best selling author through cunning use of demonic favors! First we must choose the most helpful demon for our nefarious causes... Who could it possibly be?? Tune in to find out as we scour the Infernal Dictionary for the Secrets to Dennard's Success! Buy Dennard Dayle's book, "How to Dodge a Cannonball: A Novel" https://www.amazon.com/How-Dodge-Cannonball-Dennard-Dayle/dp/1250345677 NYT review: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/16/books/review/how-to-dodge-a-cannonball-dennard-dayle.html

Welcome to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's Last Comedy website. I'm the 16th Lord of Hell, the infernal master of the underworld's laundry. I ensure the devil's socks are clean, and if appeased I grant a fresh lavender scent. Invoke me, if you dare, with the name Robert Brockway. And with me, the butcher of Balasade. It is he who accounts for hell. produce storage. Some say he is a demon

cursed with a hog so big you have to invoke it separately. Speak Sean Baby to summon him and to summon his hog just say. We're more nutritious.

How are you Bobby? I'm Sean Baby. I brought my hog. We hear to meet the devil and we came to win. And our guests, the notorious warlock and consort

of Satan's lonely grandmother Iris. It is he who saw, summons genital magics and the filthy spirits of the thrift store's clearance section. Summon him by his pen name, for his real name is forbidden by God. I bring forth to Nadale. A thought form jerking to change this realm.

How you doing, folks? Can you say my omega beams will annihilate the superpowers team? My omega beams will annihilate the superpowers team. Until Superman comes in with his hands. Oh, God, it hurts so much. He hits me so hard. He hits me so many times. You're a little punchy from launch week, huh?

This is your book's launch week when we're recording this. That is true. When we are recording this, How to Dodge a cannonball has just come out. By muscle memory, I almost said, 1,900 hot dog had just come out. It was almost the most confusing opening. Just gotta plug it.

But yeah, this is a book. It is to avoid a lot of rambling. It's a funny book about the Civil War. If you like funny things, you know, like this, I highly recommend it. If my voice or jokes do not annoy you to death, I highly recommend it. If you are someone who just, you know, it's part of the sort of sane and a live lobby of humanity, I recommend it. Check it out. Plus it's homework now.

Yeah. You got to study your history. That is true. That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. like live experience people is only half of your Civil War grade. The rest is on the book testing and you still got to work

at it. I'm telling you, this is the most fun one. It's the most fun civil war book. It's like, I've got the most fun thing over here. Then Ken Burns has like a really good voice so you will have a good time, but it's not the fucking same. It's a little breezer, you know? It's just not as, it's not as funny.

He doesn't make the slaughter as funny. Exactly, exactly. Except I have to give it to him the straight description of Pickett's charge, it's still fucking hilarious. It still works. It still hits. Sometimes you can go dry with it, you know, and that works.

How has launch week been going? Launch week has been really good in terms of results. In terms of the live experience, I am one of those people who gets things in, but it's this 4 a.m. journey, but you know, that's a whole circuitous thing. I'm very happy with how things have come out. I'm a lucky guy. I am amazed at the reviews. I got really lucky with a...

Okay, well, I got really lucky across the board, but one thing I got lucky with is the guy at the New York Times who reviewed it was a guy who wrote Incognito. Oh, okay. And the funny thing about that, I'm super grateful, by the way, Gases is jokes, me earlier.

But the funny thing about that is that I read that in, like, undergrad, and it was influential to me. So now him reviewing it positively, there's a, in my head, there's a bit of a, wow, where did this guy who was right about everything come from? You know, who really just got his head on straight. Well, thank you.

When I wrote that, I knew the title would be controversial. Yes, yes. One of Sean maybe's many pet names was Matt Johnson. He is, in fact, the author of Incognito. You will also find that he's also the author of Pink Flamingos. I am more comfortable saying, that one. Still not allowed to do the voice.

Yeah, still not allowed to do the voice. You'd think they would have given me the pass. Nope. No pass. No radio version, no audiobook, only visual. It's two levels of pass, actually. There's the typing pass and then there's a speaking pass, you know? All right.

Sean, anything, you want to plug today. No, I'm good. I'll go ahead and plug our site that this is for. Come support us on patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog. or don't and watch us die in everything you love disappear. Those are the stakes. I don't make them. So as much fun as, you know, dying and disappearing is,

I recommend you support us so we can narrate other things dying and disappearing. And it's a really great crossover crew, you know, from obviously the people here to, you know, sway underlining the last bastions of human dignity left in media and indignity is the sort of walnuts thing. Yeah, it comes from both sides. And, you know, you have like takes on a otherverse America, which I sort of look down and like, wow, I'm having a salieri moment here. But that's a whole other thing.

Yeah, those are great by our own merit K. Aren't we wonderful? Aren't we just the best? God, we are a really good website. Let's celebrate us some more. I should have plugged it. You know, it's controversial, but it's just true. I'm not the one who said it.

We do have a full multivitamins worth of nutrition, yes. Full of nitrates, everyone. So, Donard, Denard has a book out this week as we record this,

of course. And these, these first few weeks are really important to an author's career. Like, this is, for some reason,

it's the window. And it's vital that he make only really high profile safe public appearances that give him, like, the maximum chance

at the widest possible audience. Like, he can make his niche appearances with us, and we can do our goofy stuff. But like right now, it's got to be, it's got to reach as many ears and convince them as possible. We want to help them out. So we're going to be summoning as many demons as we possibly can on this podcast.

And we're going to ask the best one to Bless Denard's book launch. This one goes out to my boy Asmodel. I hope that he's in the lineup. And, you know, I thought I was just killing goats for no reason today. But now I'm glad we've got like a purpose. I'm hoping for a weird sex demon. You're both going to be possibly happy Depending on the whims of fate with this

I would be so terrified If I found out a demon had no weird sex party to him Like what else is he invested in? Like if there is no sex thing about I'm like oh god This is the genocide devil He's all about the killing It is all murder all day long No breaks

Yeah you don't Don't trust a demon without a cock You look for that cock First thing Like if it's bladed Fine but it's got to be If it has your mother's face fine, it's got to be there.

It's got to be there. Like a second one you can feel a little secure, like, okay, this is a one person spit roast, but we're all going to live. So, all right, I won't lie. I'm kind of using you as a guinea pig here. I have a new book coming out eventually too, and it looks like my pre-orders are not doing too great. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, so I'm hoping this goes well for you so that I can,

you know, follow suit and ask the devil for some advice on how to better market my book. I know I'm no devil, but I think it might be because you refuse to plug it on every appearance you've made for the last six months. Uh-huh. I mean, that might be it. I don't have the answer. I figure Satan does. Yeah, let's ask Satan. So we'll ask Satan somewhere down the line.

Right now, hopefully. We're focusing in on Dernard. We're going to find you that demon and that's literary success. Thank you very much. You know, people always say that entertainment is full of demons and devils. and I think it's about time that I actually met them, like... Yeah, man. This is like, this is how you get started as an author.

You got to find the demon that likes you. And we're going to do that with the literary demon Kumete. I have a copy of the Infernal Dictionary here by Diabloito Ordo Al-Gul. Yes. My favorite devil's dictionary. I usually use this to choose a patron demon for Dreams of the Witch. I wrote an early day's hot dog article on it.

Get a lot of use out of this book. but it's not all joke demons. There are some really good demons in here, so hopefully we wind up with one of them. I don't believe you. I think there might actually be one really good demon. I'm looking forward to the A list. I'm looking forward to whoever just collected every heart

the Aztecs throughout, like that guy who's been just stacking human souls for a few thousand years. I think if I can get that one on how to dodge a cannonball's side, that'll be good. I got faith. We'll find him. The only one that would be awkward

If I get a slavery demon, like, does he have, like, another agenda? Like, is he going to be looked at this book? Like, I don't know. There are two slavery demons. Let's hope we don't land on that one. Then again, maybe it's like his redemption arc. You know, he sees his big brother, the genocide demon. He's like, I want to be more like that guy.

Just totally acceptable to the modern American. Fuck how you just said that. Maximum safe appearances. Only get the most audience on your side. That's what we're doing today. So we're going to hold this literary demon kumete. We're going to pit these demons against one another until only the strongest remains. And then once we find him, we're going to perform a spell guaranteed to work that will bind this demon.

And we will ask him for your literary success. I'm going to go ahead and assume you're both podcasting from within circles of salt and iron. Oh, for sure. Every time. I kind of just have one left over from last night. It was a whole thing. All right, well then let's go ahead and get into it. De Nard, you're going to go first.

You're going to choose a number from six to 139. Oh, well, I have to go with my good old friend, 73. 73? That old chestnut. You have chosen, Gomorri. Mighty Duke of Hell. This demon appears in the form of a beautiful woman. She has a ducal crows.

on her head and she rides on a camel. She responds to the present, the past, and the future. She discovers hidden treasures and commands 26 legions. It's just a lady on a camel. You found a lady on a camel. I like this because I can project pre-orders into the past with that. Oh. Ah.

Well, no, it says she responds to the present, the past, and the future. She does not command. Like, you could be like, hey girl, you remember the power team? And she'd be like, yeah. Yeah, all right. You want to get on this camel? She can command her legions to find an old soundtrack. She's like, over there in the dunes is a lost soundtrack of the power team.

Okay, we could really use this. This is the one I know your hot dog demon. Absolutely. That's a good demon choice for us. A research demon will save half of my week. There you go. But more time to promote your book. So maybe this might be it.

This might be the champion, which case we're going to get real sick of hearing about it as early. All right. So, Sean, Sean, choose from six to 139. Let's see, 120. I know he didn't start with any ideas, but as he ran out of them, I think they got better. That's my illogic, obviously.

Your demon is skawks or maybe chacks. We don't know. Always a great start. Maybe the second one sounds like a cool, Nick. No, guys, call me chacks. Fuck you, Skies. Duke and Grand Marquis of the underworld. He has a horse voice, a spirit who lies.

It comes in the form of a stork. He steals money from the houses that own it and returns it only after 1,200 years. He returns it? He's an investment bank who talks like a horse. But it's money that invests after 1,200 years. This is frustrating. Okay, so you come to him and you're like, dude, did you just use your stork to steal my money? And he goes, whir-hmm.

And he's like, what the fuck? Did you just say, Scox? And he goes, which is horse for please call me chacks. I go by chacks now. No, it's a horse voice like it's, you know, irritated. But you're really on to something here. So hold on. He has a human voice.

This is bullshit. Yeah. The next line is he carries the horses off. So he's got a horse voice. and he takes horses. Like to the afterlife, like he's a horse Valky or he just steals your horse? Does he give the horses back after 1,200 years?

No, I think he just keeps the horses. It says here, he executes all the commandments which he is given when required to act immediately. And even though he promises to obey the exorcists, he doesn't always do it. So this really sounds like a spirit I have to run down to get shit done Like I'm gonna be

Yeah I'm going to be email this guy all week Yeah He'll take your horse He'll sometimes lie about it He'll give your money back after 1,200 years It goes on to say He lies if he is not in a triangle

Okay So if he's not a triangle These read receipts are going to say like 459 on them If on the contrary He is confined find in the triangle, he speaks the truth by talking about supernatural things. Okay.

That's actually pretty handy, like a Pocodex demon that I can bring around to other demons. Like, hey, what's going on to this guy? Like, does, is there something else to Scouts who can tell me about? He indicates hidden treasures that are not guarded by evil spirits and commands 30 legions. That is exactly like Dinarz demon. Pretty, a girl on a camel or, uh, or, or, or, or, or, banks. A treasure finding commanding of legions is really specific. It's a weird thing to have on different demons.

Well, she doesn't so much find it. She can reference the treasures. She's an Ernest Klein demon. She's there to talk about all the hot treasures and then no other thing. She's really good at describing treasures. She's like, this treasure's exactly like the treasure from Indiana Jones. End of description. And you're like, oh, that sounds like a sweet treasure.

Where is it? way. No, I'm done. That was all I had to offer. The number of stock portfolio demons. It's good to see that the made-offs can ascend after their adventures to like, you know, real afterlife management positions. I'm all about this stork, but it's up to you guys. Who wins this battle? Is it Scox? Maybe Chacks? Or Gomorri? So I am really drawn to the half-acidness of changing a vowel on Gamora. That's good tip Just a lady on a camel

I'll go to the camel Yeah if he really had a horse voice I might have gone with Scucks or Chucks Nope But yeah if it's just like RFK Jr, absolutely not We're gonna go to RFK Jr. It's not that I don't think

Scucks will achieve things I think he will do them 12,000 years After I ask for them And it doesn't help Yeah it doesn't help me if my book is like I don't know A cave painting and it gets face as 12,000 years later. I will be dead. I'll be dust.

Whereas Gamori doesn't give you anything, but you get it right now. Exactly. You get some references right now. Round one champion. Got a round one champion. Sean, let's have you go first this time. All right. We'll go with Scotty Pippen's number 33. 33. Famous cryptomaniac Scotty Pippen. History is getting getting really fun. Getting really wet. You have chosen. Balin Balin

Great and terrible king in the underworld He sometimes has three heads That of a bull That of a man That of a ram Join this with a snake tail And eyes that throw out flame

I gotta pause you right here This guy's got a Star Wars name But he's also a Minotaur And a ram man I think this might be the nerdiest guy That's ever been And he shoots fire out of his eyes lives. Yeah, that's, I don't know, that's more death metal than nerdy, but I'll take it. It goes both ways. There's a lot of crossover in those two hobbies.

Yeah, he's got a real Demogorgon thing going. I'm kind of into it, but I'm also a terminal nerd, so I can, I can see how that happened. But mostly, he shows himself horned and naked riding on a bear. Okay, okay, so he fucks, I love this. This is the best demon. He could. He can be like a super nerds, a trapper keeper folder cover. But most of the time, he's just naked on a bear, baby. So I've established my canon rules here. The naked is a good sign because it means he is not all murder. Yeah.

And I am definitely feeling that aspect. The bear sounds fun, some utility. I bet the bear has a cock too. That's two cocks involved in this, so double the safety. Double the safety. Yep, yep. Other horrors, but definitely double the safety. so, you know. It's looking good

for Baylon so far. Actually, three. He carries a hawk on his fist. Oh, shit. He's got a hawk. He's got a hawk. Oh, good. I'm glad that the King's forests are safe. Oh, but his voice is also hoarse. His voice is hoarse.

I'll take it. However, this is good for a showdown. He advises on the past, the present, and the future. Okay, so one demon expounds on the past, present future. The other one takes in data. And this one gives advice on the past.

You know what you should have done? That's because of fucking asshole. Here's what you should have done, guys. What do you think, Hawk? Advice on the present pretty good. Advice on the future, great. Advice on the past? Not super helpful, buddy. I want more than that out of a demon.

Like, if I sell my soul and he's just like, I'll tell you what. You really should have invested an Apple back in like 2006. It was primed. He advises on the past, the present and the future. This demon, who was once of the order of dominions, now commands 40 legions of hell. That's more than Gomori. Yeah, that's pretty good.

More than Gomorri. That is good inflation. That is, the demon economics are on his side. And, you know, the good thing is that if he's the wrong pick, we could invade another demon and just sort of press gang them into our service. He teaches cunning, finesse, and a convenient way to see without being seen. Okay. Is it hiding? You won't say.

Like the implication that there's a really inconvenient invisibility spell. Like, you've got to have your thumb up your ass the whole time. I'm going to teach you the way where you don't have to do that. You've got to kiss the bullhead for eight minutes. It's the only way to get the potion to work. Nobody likes it. I think what sells the cunning to me is that he said it twice as two different features, but it's one thing, like cunning and finesse.

So there is some cunning to him. It is real. Uh-huh. And a new convenient way to see without being seen. All right. This is just a progressive knockout tournament. So it's Baylon versus Gomori. Who are you going to keep?

Oh, no question. We're keeping Baylon. Or my vote is Baylon. Baylon whips ass. Baylon does have a lot of heads. Gomorri is naked on a camel, which feels like some kind of HR thing is coming through. But I guess they're both.

No, no, Baylon's naked on the bear. Camorri's fully clothed on that camel, if that's weighs your boat. When they meet Baylon and say, hey, Camori, you know what you should have done? It's gotten 40 legions. If you want my advice on the past. Fucking shut up, Balin. Oh, my God. Let's see.

I think I'm going to go with just his raw 40,000 legions. I may go on a legion-based hierarchy here. I'm going to be honest. My plan for this book is really to invade the world of man. And it's just going to be mandatory reading in demon worlds. You know what? You could just command all the allegiance to buy your book. And then you're set.

There we go. There we go. Like a Republican senator. Yeah. Like the 40 legions. I think that's, I don't know. Like 50 books. Yeah, I'm thinking Mike Lee's running a good 10K.

I don't know how many a legion is, like one and a half guys. I don't know. Sounds accurate. I'm going to put it down as a fact. I'm going to go with Baylon. Novelty. More guys. Okay. Balin-Dinard, you're up next to pick a demon.

6 to 139. Ooh, 6 to 139. I'm ready for demon number 7, personally. Demon number 7? Early days. Perhaps they'll be good demons? I'm ready for it. Early in the book?

Some qualite demonology. Do you have chosen? Abagor. Demon of a higher order. Already, a fancy demon. Grand Duke in the Infernal Monarchy. Hmm 60 legions are marching under his command

Damn Moving up in the world with them legions Oh yes, I'm liking this inflation He shows himself under the figure Of a handsome writer carrying a spear A standard or maybe a sceptor We're not fully sure

He skillfully responds to everything About the secrets of war He knows the future And teaches leaders The Means to be loved by their soldiers Oh, we have a real backseat driver here. Like the entire time we're invading the world of man, he's going to say, no, no, no, no, you got to go for China first.

You cannot hold land in Russia. It's just not going to work out. Your soldiers love it when you do lots of pizza breaks. Take it easy. They have a pizza break. All right, but I need more secrets of war and less Taco Tuesday. I like the morale is great, but we're getting our asking. You should have got more allegiance.

I tell that to everybody. Oh, Matt. If you have had to have. him and Baylon there and say they're just gonna go fucking nuts before you even reach South America like each other it would be like having both of your parents in the car with you just except one of them as three heads a collective total of 100 legions 100 legions hey yeah yeah together they're just gonna be asking like hey why aren't you digging trenches like trenches like trenches were all the rave when I was invading the world and you you haven't done like

one what's up all right what are we thinking do we like Abagore or bailin I think I still like Balin's your boy. Abelgore seems okay. I could maybe get talked into Avigore. I am going on a raw Legion-based perspective here, and I am ready to deal with a new breed of nagging from Abagore. I will go along with Abagore if we all agree that he got the name because of his intense love of the Swedish pop group Abba. He's a handsome man on a horse.

Let's take a chance on Abba. Took a chance, took a chance. We'll do this. If you choose, you choose whether or not to keep that demon. It's DeNard's choice, so he's taken Abagore. Next time, Sean, you can boot his ass right out of there. And if you change your mind, I'll be the first in line. I don't know any more Abba songs.

Can Abagore dance? Is Abigore a dancing queen? Is there any of that in the demon? No, he's just, he's got maybe, it's maybe the hit song. Is this a Scepter, Spear, or Standard? Is that one of... Do you guys like that Ava song? Yeah, that's a pretty Ava.

No, no, that was the real McCoy. That's the real McCoy. 6 to 139. 69. By far the funniest number. Ha ha. And by far the funniest demon. You have chosen?

Fur, fur. Okay. Fur fur the demon. Finally, we get some furry content. And you do. Count. In the underworld, he is seen in the form of a deer with a flaming tail. Okay, but not like a real deer, like a foam head for fucking in.

Yes, a deer sex helmet is what he has. Yes, deer sex helmet. Do you know how much the internet has fucking tilted or poisoned my brain? Before I even remembered any of the fucking sex stuff with a deer head, I just thought mascot. Like, I just thought this is a Japanese branding thing. it is here to sell me goods. I'm looking at him and he could be. You could be right.

Oh, okay, okay. So maybe there is some perfume or something being sold to be like, I can't even see the semen anymore. Like, the sex thing is just like air. It's like vapor now. You just, you just see diarrhea medicine. You're like, I don't know if this guy's here for weird sex or diarrhea medicine, but I'm taking my chance on the medicine.

Furfur also only says lies unless he's locked in a triangle. A lot of triangle-based demons. Yeah. He often takes the form of an angel. he also speaks in a horse voice. Fuck yes. But this time for real, it's a horse, right? No, it's a, it's a gravelly voice.

God damn. And he maintains the union between husbands and wives. Okay, so he's like an anti-divorced deer monster. It is for the fidelity demon. Power of a merits counselor and the head of a deer. So if you're ever, if you're really fighting, you're not getting along, and all of a sudden a deer shows up. Put them in a triangle and ask him how to save your marriage.

You know, that's cool. That's cool. You know, the next time I'm just really neglecting someone, I can come to fur fur, and he'll say, have you tried listening for more than 30 seconds at a time? Then I throw that triangle, choke him out. Well, I would love it if that was the triangle they were referring to. You got to pull them into a choke. And everyone, they will tell the truth if you choke them. It's like, if you can beat this demon in the cage, it will totally work with you.

Otherwise, you know, you're kind of dicked. You know, one of the reasons my wife and I have such a strong marriage is we do get together and just beat this shit out of a guy in a deer costume every now and then. It's a real bonding experience. Furfer. Furfer makes fall the thunderbolt, the lightning flash, and the thunder groan. But only in the places he has been ordered to do so. That sounded like a dolomite poem for a second. It was a little dolomite band where the pussy roam.

I fuck so good, I make the thunder groan. But only when I'm ordered to do. so. I do enjoy the demonic power of like keeping toxic couples together. I think that's a really good spin on demon work because, you know, so, there's so much about temptation, but it's not really, I'm glad we find a demon about people who just should not be together, like getting the Henry the 8th kind of demons in here. I think I'm leaning towards him too. I like the deerhead. I like the marriage counseling. If this sways anything, remember this is Sean's choice this time. Furfer only responds to abstract things. He's, uh...

Oh, that's like a fun puzzle. Marriage counseling deer demon. And 26 legions are under his command. Oh, okay. So, Dernard's out, I'm sure. A lot of legions, but it's your choice. This guy or Abagore? It's true.

My values are out the window. You could go purely for this triangle choke-based marriage system we got here. Choke that deer, baby. I think it's fun the idea of having to give him commands through abstract means. Like just telling him, a haiku to try to like get him to steer his legions around. Like just only Star Trek references. Yeah.

The nice thing about that is no matter what you're trying to do, it's just like an I dream of genie kind of prompt. Like it's just going to come out weird and wrong. Yep. Yeah, he's going to be orca when all the time. Yeah, I think I'm leaning towards fur fur. Also, I'm a raging furry. Everyone knows.

Everyone in the community is. And all about fidelity. Yes, of course. I just have sex with the one dog monster. Yes, only the one. Different, different heads. sometimes. Keep the spice in the marriage. You got to mix it up, sure.

That first thing Furfer will tell you is put a different head on your dog monster husband. I guess in terms of like sex stuff, instead of like having like somebody who is like in, you know, the chair in the corner, it's like a marriage having a jobber. When you put it like that, I'm completely sold. Absolutely. Like this is the Brooklyn brawler of our marriage. Yeah. Yep. Get one of the local Tacoma wrestlers to come in. Put on a deer head.

I think this is the most generous anybody has ever been to Furfer, the Fidelity demon. We're working with the talent we've got, you know? That Furfer has a vision. We're here to bring it to the people. I have a question. Did you ever find out if he based any of these demons on actual, like, actual, like, witchcraft lore or anything like that? Or is he just completely making this shit up for the whole book? No, this is kind of one of those things where there's a public.

domain book out there and he's just really sort of collecting it because it's uh it's from an actual book called the dictionary infernal uh but then of course there are a bunch of different translations and my theory is he chose the worst one for every single demon because it does kind of point to some creativity to that to have these demons be so weird so no that does not come from him yeah because he doesn't strike me as a creative guy because we've read his his dreams book which is just like saw my ex in a dream she waved at me. You know what I mean? Like she doesn't even, there's nothing strange about his dreams. It's just like a Facebook grandpa. I do, I do think every time he's like, and this demon changes tires in hell. I think that's probably him, where he just keeps giving demons like really

been a little old jobs. She has the face of my high school crush. That's him. That's him. Has to take heartburn medication every night. DeNard, six to 139. Six to one hundred and thirty-nine. I'm going to go for a straight repetitive run of 111. By the way, what I really like about your worst translation theory is that's really prime me to expect like, and then there is Lucifang, the evening sun. I'm willing to bet you could go find like a good translation of each of these demons and be something awesome. Piccolus. Piccolus is your demon.

Pickleus. Pickleus. A demon revered by the former inhabitants of Prussia, who, consecrated to him the head of a dead man and burned tallow in his honor. This demon was seen in the last days of important characters. Oh shit, Pickles is all washed up. Piccolaus has not been doing shit about shit since gunpowder. The last days of important characters.

Uh, if he was not soothed, he would present himself a second time. And when he was given the trouble of appearing a thither, third, one could no longer appease him except by the shedding of human blood. So you can, you can fuck with him the first two times he shows up. Okay, so I need to think of like two really good pranks and then ditch that road altogether before he wipes the country. I guess one, because you can't appease him the third time, except for by killing. But even then, it doesn't say killing. It says the shedding of human blood. So two real good pranks and then cut yourself a little bit for him. I kind of like that he exists because it implies that if you die without seeing him, like, you weren't that important a character.

This Trump hasn't even seen Piccolus. So Piccolos is like a really snooty society demon. Like, it's writing Times columns about political fixers' marriage. He is dressed so fancy. He's got a big feather in his cap. He's got the full Elizabethan collar. He's a really fancy lad. This could be good for my publishing ventures here.

Like, he's, it's one that could say, like, this is the proper thing. Now, if you don't like it, there's something wrong. wrong with you. Finally, when Piccolus was happy, he could be heard laughing in his temple, for he had a temple. Is that in the text, for he had a temple? Yes. Let me remind you the first half of this sentence, he does own his own temple. When Piccolus was happy, he was heard laughing in his temple, for he had a temple.

I should have mentioned it before I talked about the things. I am now left to assume every other demon so far as homeless. Picklesus is just, guess who's got a temple, baby? Yeah, they're all bivouackers. They're all bivouackers. They all have their, you know, their little satchel that they carry on the rails from like country to country when they're haunting it. Yep.

Maybe Piccolus has a lot of legions. Maybe he doesn't. There's no mention of his legions, if that's your guiding system. So he could be the kind of guy that has a lot of legions and is just like really secure in that and doesn't feel the need to mention it. But he did mention that thing about it. his temple. Yeah, he would have brought up the legions.

He might have like three legions. How many legions fit in a temple? That's the question. I think we decided that Legion was a one and a half guy, so he could fit a lot of legions in a temple, I think. Yeah, there's no real excuse for that. So, Piccolus, or for the Fidelity Demon? Piccolus is wealthy and that does make him better than other demons.

That's true. Yeah. The fidelity demon does demand loyalty with its loyalty power, so I am slightly under sway of that. I think what tips me is that I now must be addicted to gambling after doing a gotcha research for you guys, which, you know, Picolus's Mystery Box Legion here is still there collecting animals, collecting exploding animals. It would be so magical if it cost like a quarter. I would say it was the best game ever. At a dollar, I'm like, this is fucking bullshit. Yeah.

Gags aside, I am, I'm actually got a feeling fur, fur fur fur. Farfer, the fidelity demon. I agree. He's got legions. He keeps your marriage together. Not that that fucking matters. Pickles, Piggilus is our new champion.

Sean, six to 139. 139. Let's see how he ends the book. Zabos, the great demon Zabos. They're just alphabetical, Sean. Oh, they're, okay. I was about to ask, like, is that a Z or an X? But yeah, then I figured, it's, yeah, I get it.

I get what's happening. Zabos, great count of the underworld. He has the figure of a handsome soldier mounted on a, crocodile. Oh, Crocodile centaur? Crocotaur. Hell yeah.

And a handsome, a handsome crocatar. Furfur can fuck himself. I don't care what the rest of his powers are. This rules. He's got a real curly beard. Got a little fancy helmet. His head is adorned with a ducal crown.

He is sweet of character. That's the end of his entry. He's sweet of character. He's a nice guy. Duky crown. Great attitude. He's a himbo. You found the hymbo demon.

Yeah. It takes a lot of work to maintain your hymbo energy in hell. Keep mind, everyone is trying to ruin your fucking day there. He's just sort of backhanded people. Not really giving shoes. He's still magic-miking his way through hell. That is a power move to be real kind in hell, to be known for your kindness. Yeah, they really hate you for that.

Plus, he's a fucking crocote. He's a handsome crocoteur. I'm sold. Like I said, like nothing about his positive attitude changed my attitude about him. Zabos or referred for the fidelity demon? You're going with Zabos? You know what Zabos's tone is like? It's like when you read the old Luke Cage origin store

And he's fucking rhyming in this like maximum security prison It's like how secure in your rank in this prison are you That you are just making couplets? He does have that lower half of a crocodile So like you don't want to mess with them too much It's a they're a naturally rhyming animal The crocodiles I think that's the rules in prison

It's like the first day you go to the guy with the biggest crocodile for a lower half and then you punch him. Oh, I always thought you'd say you'd like go up and do like some roadblock rhymes, some dolomite rhymes. Challenge them to a rap battle. Yeah.

Zabos is our current champion, Dernard. 6 to 139. 6 to 139. I'm gonna go for flat 100 on this one. That's my, uh, that's my instinct. Flat 100. Good choice. This is, this will surely,

surely unseat the crocodile centaur, handsome hymbo of hell. Nain Lauren the Elf King I love the sweet smell of failure in the morning This one's even written a little different It is the king of small elves, cobalds and other dwarf spirits Cobold spirit of the class of the elves

It is a strange little dwarf of stunted form With motley clothes a red bonnet on his head Honored by valets the servants and the cooks of Germany He makes them good office This little bitch is the boss of your very first D&D adventure. Like he's at the back of the level one cave. Yeah, your paladin might like chuck the office max demon here through the window. This is not a boss character.

This is the joke before the boss character. You kill him and then the real boss comes out. You're like, okay, that scans. He makes them good offices. He curry combs their horses. He washes the house, keeps the kitchen in good order, and watches over everything so that we don't need to think about neglecting it. If he doesn't cobble my shoes, then he can get the fuck out of here.

It does not say he cobbles your shoes, but this is just like a maid service demon? He serves the servants. So like if you don't feel like doing your job as a maid, get named Lauren the Elf King. It seems like some German artisans kicked the shit out of this demon. I just sort of kept it in like a service capacity and retired. The King of the Gremlins and Cobolds. Now I wash their toilets. Were you? No. No.

King's my last name. How long would we have him in our service before Abagore just kicked in the door and just took the entire layer of the abyss? He did have 60 legions. 60 legions starting to look pretty good. But we've wronged him. We've wronged Abagor. We have Zabos. Zabos or Nate Lauren the elf butler.

I'm going to have to go. our Hymbo Crocodile King here, there's, uh... Really? Really? I, I'm sorry to disappoint the elf fans of the world, but, uh, my, my Crockotarfic has its, has its star, and I can't, I can't turn away from my boys, Abus. All right, Sean, 6 to 139. 75. Haberim, fire demon, also called aim.

Those are real different names. Yeah. I think maybe, like, there's probably a copyright issue, like, it's the same name as a toothpaste or something. Like, I used to have the coolest name and then some fucking toothpaste company came in. It's a diarrhea medicine. It's a diarrhea medicine game.

Aim. They're both really good names for diarrhea medicine. It doesn't fix it. It just really concentrates the stream. It concentrates stream. And hey, one syllable diarrhea medicine names are good because that's an urgent thing. You don't have time for that second and third

syllable at the desk? I just... Hey, he has her. Oh, too late. Too late. He bears the title of Duke in the underworld. He rides on a viper.

He has three heads. One a snake, the other a man. And the third? A cat. I'm looking at the picture. Not like a lion. Like a house cat. Like a little kitty cat?

Like a little cat. That'd be a terrifying battle. Can you imagine if you had a snake and a cat for your other heads? All day long, you'd be getting messed with. He rides on a snake. In the picture, it's not a big snake.

It's an ordinary sight. snake, so it looks like... Is he like surfing on it? No. Like a wheelie shoe? No, he's got his whole dick and balls on it. I'm interested in this snake riding snake like the recursion snake

It's a snake riding. It's a snake riding snake riding with a cat. That snake head's always going to take the the mounts side in an argument. You're already outvoted. The cat, you can't trust the cat. Can't count on that cat. The human head is getting really resentful. The human head does have a really terrible mustache and goatee and really really greasy hair.

Like it just... Yeah. It looks like a guy that would call himself a wizard. It says he carries a lighted torch in his hand. Great. Also, we have like the LARP sexual harassment guy head. You summon him when there's a dispute. You've seen those terrible videos where like people will scare their cats with a

cucumber because cats are like really stupid and they think that's a snake. That's just like a cucumber. Imagine what a cat head would do. if there was just a snake next to him all day. Just constantly hissing and screaming. Constantly hissing, screaming and jumping. He also commands 26th, popular number. 26.

Does he delegate command to the other heads? Like, do some of the legions work for the cat? I got to imagine, right? Yeah, I would think so. He probably gets most of the legions, but I would, if I had a crew, I would throw, like, a courtesy legion to the snake mount. Like, you got a legion. You're part of it.

You know, you've got stock in the company. I don't know. With these cat snake interactions, I really think there might be three sets of orders coming through. So, what do we think about Haberim? Possibly aim. The snake riding snake. Is he going to beat Zabos, the hymnbo crockett killer? I think every demon in this book sucks except for Zabos, who is completely awesome.

I'm going to go ahead and agree with you. A demon is Zabos. Like, I've read this book He's pretty good He's right up there He's like one There's like three demons that are cool Is he like the winner

Was that the finals of the Kumete? Sure We're not gonna beat Sabos Man We found a really good demon I wouldn't mind trying another one But yeah I agree Like it's over

The second we got Crocodile Centaur was over Now that we have our champion We must bind him Oh bad All that all of these murders I'm finally I'm so ready to apply all this human blood.

It is just sitting here, rotting. It is, this is a great, this is like spring cleaning for me. Good, good, you're prepared. Okay. I am covered in the fluids of nuns. I should be protected from any blowback. This is a multi-person spell.

I'm going to need your audience participation for parts of it. I'll tell you what to do and when. Just remember, this spell is guaranteed to work. And it is from the world's most prolific wizard. A man so vile, was banned from Amazon.com. I did not make up this book. I did not make up a word of this spell.

This is real, dangerous magic. I should mention he was banned from Amazon.com because he tried to replace all 700 of his book covers with his own glamour shots. And it triggered the spam algorithm. But still, this is powerful magic. So this is an S-Rob book? This is an S-Rob spell.

Hell yes. Now, it says here, we have to follow these instructions to the letter, or our souls will be forfeit. So I'm gonna open the spell. Am I supposed to still have my soul? Is that like supposed to be a thing? Because I...

In an ideal world, you would, but... Eh. Eh. I've had a crocodile lower body for this whole time. I hope that helps. Do you have like a PlayStation? Like a PlayStation's pretty good.

I do have a PlayStation. I've got a PS3 and a four in here. That's like equivalent. Equivalent value to a soul. The five. You gotta have the five pro? Shit. Janus, powerful Roman god.

with two faces. One, with always gazes at the future. I'm reading this verbatim. It's very important for our souls. One with always gazes at the future and the other, the past. Janus, you control the doorways. We ask that you open the doorway that leads to Zebos. Janus, open the doorway, open it right here and right now. Janus opens the doorway. It is wide open. Zabos, you can grant great literary success as you pass into our realm. And we ask that you come through the doorway and be here with us. Zabos comes through the doorway and is here with us. Oh, hell.

All right. Audience participation. Sean, you're going to play the role of the penetrator. Done. And as the penetrator, you repeat after me. I have been fucking Zabos this whole time. Zabos, we ask that you help us overcome all difficulties. Zabos, I am the penetrator.

We ask that you help us overcome these difficulties. All of our problems and obstacles. All of our problems and obstacles. Whether they're involving penetration or not. I'm just doing a little ad libid. The penetrator doesn't play by rules, baby. And so we offer you this arse. And so we offer you this art.

Wait, no, no, no. The penetrator is at top. Just, you finished the line. Your gut. All right, DeNard. You're the penetrated. All right, so repeat after me. As the penetrated.

All right, cool. Power Bottom Sunny style, got it. This wonderful arse. This wonderful arse. Good. That's it for you. Sean, the penetrator again. Will be my pride.

I have a power bottom wonder woman until the superpowers team has disbanded in shame. God, these souls are so forfeit. They're so forfeit right now. Sean, repeat after me. This arse. This arse. All right, and now you slap

Now you slap the penetrated stars Okay, do I have your consent, Denard? Give me a little slap Half of it, oh yes I always like to ask permission before Okay, okay, let's do this This is so much more erotically charged Than I thought it'd be, but I love it

It's a twist, it's a twist A little slap A little slap And now the penetrator and penetrated together Repeat after me one last time this is what we offer you this is what we offer you and now you have anal sex

oh that's that what was the rest of that then what was the rest what was the rest so are you done I mean like 15 minutes here all right we'll just cut what we like cleaning out a pumpkin

before that what are we doing if that first part wasn't anal sex what was it so once you're finished having anal sex together the both of you say, this is what we have given to you. This is what we have given to you.

Uh, anal sex. We have given him anal sex. It's a beautiful gift. It's a beautiful gift. And I will close it out by saying, Zabos agrees to help. He's satisfied with his anal sex. And departs back through the doorway.

Janus, powerful Roman god, you with two faces. One, with always gazes at the future and the other of the past. Janus, you control the doorways. We ask that you shut the doorway. Shut the doorway. Shut it right here. Shut it right now. It seems that Jadis really wanted me to open my fucking doorway.

Yeah. Yeah. He's asking that you shut it. He's got that post nut clarity and he's a little like, ooh. I got to get the fuck out of here. And that's it. You've got literary success now. This is how you start a career as a successful author.

Best of luck. I would like to thank both of you for this riotous demon-controlling anal sex. I would like to thank Zabos, for I can only assume, is an eternity of anal sacrifice to keep this literary success going. And, yeah, like everyone in Hollywood, it is wide open for more success. So thank you very much. A nice, safe, mainstream appearance for all to promote Tenor's new book. How to Dodge a Cannonball, everybody. Yeah, congratulations.

Absolutely. And I hope for your sake that your manager and your agent and your publisher do not hear this. podcast. This would definitely be at least the third strangest thing they have heard me say, and they would be... Well, let's close this customarily by all, uh, by all giving thanks for anal sex with the devil.

Thank you. Thank you, devil. Thanks, devil for the anal sex. Einstein, who did Frankford? A club here in beautiful. It's connected to New York. Welcome to the stage our own in-house insult comic, Jimmy Juggles. Oh, hey, thank you, thank you. Don't applaud too hard. You ain't heard by set yet.

Hey, I see a lot of Supremes out there in the crowd today. Aaron Crustin. Adrian H. I see Alex Nolensbergh here. Hey Alex, I hope you get hit by a speedboat like a manatee. Oh! Alpha Scientist Javo. Un-Andi, Armando Nava, Autumn Armstrongberg.

You look like a volunteer editor for Wiki Feed. Oh! Bim Talser. Brandon Garlock, Brian Sailor. Oh, I see somebody here named Brockway famously loves the meat milly? Well, I happen to know the guy, and guess what? He does. Burrito! Cyril! Cheddar Wolf. You smell like pall malls and old breast milk. Ah-ho! Common sense.

Craig Lemoyne, Dan B. David Schill, I heard your AI girlfriend cheated on you. It's not supposed to be possible. Science is studying it. Oh! Dean Costello. Delta Fox Trot. Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title. Elizabeth Shope, some people get a bench dedicated to them when they die. You're gonna get the corner chair in a motel six. Oh, double up, oh, oh! Elliot Watson, Eric Christianberg, Fancy Shark, Jella Ho!

Hey, good Satan and his hot witches. You know the way that pace the dentist used to polish your teeth tastes? No, of course you don't. Oh! Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Pengweeney, A-I-C-Hawk over here, honk, hank. Jabberal, Aiden, James Boyd, Hey, James Boyd, I hope you dry, drown in a corn silo.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child of, oh. Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, Jared Ruiz, it's the Jared's... Oh, Jeff O'Raskey. John Dean, I bet all the microplastics in your balls is gonna turn your babies in. into spiders. Spider-Oh! John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Searle, Josh S, Joshua Greaves, A, Justin B, you seem like the kind of guy who's had multiple pets die because of his unmedicated ADHD. Oh, sorry that one got stuck. Ken Paisley, K&M, Kamutsis, KVH,

I heard you got banned from Bumble and not even for a good pervert reason. You just made people too sad. Hold on. Let me load the O gun. All right, now let me cock it. All right, pull. Oh, missed all three times. Lane Haygood, Lisa, M. Jahi Chappelle. Hey, Mark Mahoney, you seem like the fourth guy to die trying to rescue a dog from a septic tank. Tragic Oh! Matt Riley, Max Broy, Moju. Hey, you guys like politics? I hear you You're the best comedy's political these days. Let's try some. A mercenary Sissadman.

Jeff Bezos called. He wants his personality back. Oh. Michael Lair. Mort. Mr. Bob Gray. N.D. I see Neil Bailey here.

I see Neil Schaefer here. I see NECO 104 here. We got Nick Levino. Hey, Nick Levino. Elon Musk called. He wants his weird torso back. Torso. Oh!

Obsolete. Orn Re Weevil, we got Ozzy Olin, double O. We got Patrick Herbst. Pee Wee's uncle, I hope your spouse leaves you for a Republican. Oh! Rebrandrew, I hope you get the kind of concussion that turns you Republican. Oh! You and Peewee's uncle's wife deserve each other, and I hope you're very happy.

Oh! All right, all right, that's enough politics. We have fun. Oh. Hey, Riannan, A Russell Bowman. Hey, Sam Kopnick. I recognize this guy. He's the 204th frame in that scene from Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blasted out the airlock.

That's a deep cut, but look it up. It's also an... Oh! Zarkovsky, Sean Chase. Hey, Seed's Passport lists their sex as too brief for all the heartache it's caused over the years. We got Space Champ in here. Oh, spotty reset.

Super knot. Tater's Tales. Hey, Taters Tales. You smell like the sock you find stuck to a teenager's wall when you move the bed. Oh, you're just in there. You're looking, you're looking for drugs or something because you don't understand the sudden distance between you and the child who used to love you when, bam! Krusty old Tater's Tales. Oh! Hey, it's Ted H. Thomas Cavato. Timmie, Toasty guy. Tommy G. Vlo. Hey, I see Victor Mela Bank in here. You look like you lost a fight to a puff at her who was itself already dying of cholesterol poisoning. Oh!

Hey, Booster, hey, you got the anti-venom? No, you don't. Hey, Waylon Russell. Hey, you gotta call somebody? No, you aren't. Oh, never mind, though, because Yvonne Clapham's here. She can just... Oh, it's my time.

Thanks, everyone. You've been great. Not you, Zah. Sackenava. All right, all right. Don't forget to tip your waitresses. We all know Gareth ain't gonna do it. Oh!

But no, seriously, you gotta, you gotta tip them, man. You gotta tip them. The law says you can pay them below minimum wage if it's a tip position. It's fucked up. Capitalism is fucked. Oh!