The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 234, Eurovision with Dan McQuade

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Dan McQuade. Eurovision. Finally, ABBA squared. What more needs to be said? The goofing grounds are fertile no matter the year... It is time! Enjoy, you lucky so and so's!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com. We do daily articles by genius comedy writers. Go to patreon.com slash 1900hotdog to support one of the last good things. I'm TV's Sean Baby from the internet and my partner was one of 2016's haunches to watch for runner up magazine, Robert Brockway. I'm finally getting, I'm getting to the publications that appreciate me, that appreciate my level of talent.

I'm Robert Brockway, here's a Brockway fact. My family is actually close with Celine Dion's and I have it on good authority. She's going to show up to this podcast. Ooh. Let's keep an eye out everybody. Get them hopes up, get them up. I'm sure that will happen.

Get them up. Our guest is that will happen. Get them up. Our guest is a co-founder and journalist at one of the other last good things on the internet, defector.com. He was voted one of Philadelphia's Top 14 Ponytails by Haunches Magazine. He's Dan McQuade. Hey, thanks for having me on again.

Somebody, I used to wear my hair down a lot more and then I had a child and he pulled on it all the time so I wear it up a lot. So you're a ponytail man. And I had it, I was driving and some guy in the car next to me rolled down his window and was like, how long you had that ponytail man? And I was like, yeah, I was like, I'm not sure,

like 15 years maybe I've had the hair this long. And it was just a very, very strange, when you have my look, people like to tell you who you look like and like to comment on your appearance. Of course. Yeah. Well, a ponytail can mean a couple of things. It could mean Dungeon Master, it could mean Heavy Metal,

it could mean Karate Master. Yeah. You gotta figure out what kind of ponytail you're dealing with. I could be just like a person from the 80s, like who somehow showed up in 2025. Highlander? Highlander's an option?

What's great is like all the comps are like really good. Like I've gotten like Brad Pitt, Kurt Cobain, a bunch of pro wrestlers, like Triple H I get a lot now. And from like my wife's high school students, and I'm like, how do you use no long hair Triple H? These people are real big wrestling fans. But yeah, let me plug defector.com. It is very much like 1-900-HOTDOG,

a website that is run by the people who write for it and edit for it. And that is different in the world of media today and maybe throughout history. Most places are not like that. And defector has a few more people than 1-800-Hot-Dog. It's a little more expensive, but it's mostly about sports. And we cover a ton of other things. I wrote a tribute to Joe Don Baker recently.

Fantastic. Mitchell. It was just about how, yeah, he was like, I don't know, he was like, had a type of movie, but also he accidentally made one of the great comedies of all time with Mitchell, and then it being made fun of on a Mystery Science Theater years later. It was fantastic. There was a great Mark Maron one that I read on Defector that was like, fantastic.

Look, Mark Maron mentioned it, and like, yeah, it was Diana Moskovitz. We have a lot of people whose initials are DM on our staff. I don't know how that is a thing. Yeah, exactly. We have seven Robert Brockwys. But yeah, the Mark Maron thing was our viral article of this week.

We'd like to try to have at least one a week, maybe more. And yeah, actually the site's- We do the opposite. The site's been really good recently. Both Defector and Hotdog, the thing you wrote yesterday, Sean, we're recording this Saturday. So the thing you wrote about the,

I'm not exactly sure how to- How to suck a boot properly. Yeah, I'm not exactly sure how to. How to suck a boob properly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it. I wasn't quite sure what to call it. I, my wife. I think in the Library of Congress,

it's how to suck boobs properly. There's been, there's a lot of. I'm glad that the Library of Congress has this. I made a pass at my wife and she reads 1-100-HOTDOG and she was like, oh, did you learn some new tips? And that was over. Killed it. Killed the mood completely.

Did I destroy your marriage? Yeah, yep, yep. Now it's over, so. What tip did you try? I tried the one that was just, just like touch her boobs, right? Oh no, make her talk about her boobs. Cause that was my favorite tip.

Walk up to a woman in a bar and talk to her about her boobs. That is surely the way to get to touch them. Keep bringing them up. Let her know you like them. Are you just doing okay? I mean, they look sad. What's great is that's all the advice,

which is not very good. It's peppered with like, it'd be so fucking great if we could skip all this hard crap, right? Just honk the titties. If we could just walk up to, God, what a world that would be. Anyway, here's how you really honk a titty.

You got to tell her you want to honk the titty. Next chapter. It's a fantastic book. I'm glad you read it and learned from it. I'm amazed at the things that you find on the internet, because I feel like I'm really good at finding insane things, and you seem to find even more incredible ones.

Oh, I don't assume the internet at all. Yeah, that's true. I troll a lot of them. I thought there might be just some sort of cursed field nearby. There's just a pit. You have to fight devils to get into the pit, but it's worth it.

There's a lot of weird books in there. And just trash from another dimension washes up there. Like that's what I assume. An evil wizard just collects broken things from other realities. Today, speaking of, we're talking about Eurovision. That's actually not that crazy a transition. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Are we skipping my plug? Okay, oh, I'm very sorry. I wanna hear about your upcoming book, possibly, if we're within the legal window of book promotion. No, I just wanted to know if we were skipping my plug, it's fine. Yeah, I guess we're skipping your plug. I would say, Brockway's recent series about the Mega Man,

I'm sorry, the Street Fighter fan fiction is one of the great series on 1900hotbook.com. I had to read that entire, I can't believe I had to read that entire book. I don't know why I did it to myself. It took up like a month of my life. It was horrible.

Go read it so it wasn't for nothing. Cause if it's for nothing, I might be done. Just in general. It was fantastic. I loved the wave of understanding in the discord to of people like holy shit Wait, there's little jokes and in the frame of this every single Every single part that came out somebody would be like I just discovered that you have to go back They'd be like I gotta go back and read part one. Oh my god, you got to relive that

I ask I ask a lot of you but I try to deliver it. So yes, we're skipping Brockway's plug to talk about Eurovision. This was Dan's idea. Sorry. Obviously, not a lot of people talk about Eurovision. So if this sucks, we know who to blame. Because I'm going to say right off the top, I don't get it. I haven't really spent a lot of time with Eurovision.

I watched this one. This is the first time I've ever watched one all the way through and I do not understand it. Typical American. Exactly. I am a very typical American in that I only know American things, but this feels so specifically not American or so specifically Eurovision. I guess we'll talk about it.

As a counterpoint, I just like to say that I don't get it. I've never watched one before. Oh, wait, it's the same point. It's the same exact point. I feel like of all the things you ever said, this might be the most relatable. I don't get what the fuck Eurovision's about. No, no idea. But I do know it's how they decide the chancellor of Luxembourg.

Am I correct about that? Yes. Anyway. Yeah, that's right. OK, good. We watched the BBC version, we in Brockway did, and it started with this really strange sketch where they didn't have a trophy,

so they tried to make one out of a water bottle, then the real trophy showed up and they dropped it from a plane into a kayaker, and then the announcer's naming the kayaker, he's like, oh, this is kayaker Gabby and Spurskin, and then he throws it to a Paralympian, Alexander Horbling And I so fucking weird

It's is the kite is the kayaker famous like is is our people at home going like oh shit I can't believe they got Florbenson Gorbop the my favorite kayaker I think people in Switzerland might know who these people are. Incredible. Yeah, maybe. I also don't don't don't know. It was it seemed like it was all an in-joke about breaking the trophy. So last year, last year the guy broke the the guy who won and like when you win your country then hosts Eurovision the next year and the guy who won from Switzerland last year like immediately broke the trophy.

Okay. So I guess that's the joke. At the end of it, is it Graham Norton that does the announcing for the BBC? I like that he ruined the entire thing by explaining who the person who broke it is and then saying, and if you didn't know that, this was all useless to you. Yes, it was.

It really was. It was. You're not supposed to say that at the very start of this several hour long awards show. I think that's what I like about it, watching it as an American. I've watched it for maybe, I don't know, half a dozen years now. Maybe I haven't watched it every year of that. But I like it. You know what?

I've definitely watched it every year for like 10 years. I should stop lying. Okay. No, no, no. But like, did lose respect. Good impulse. I don't even know. So what I, what I like about it watching it as an American is like, I know a little bit

about it now, but I definitely am at least several times during the show I'll be like well I don't get that I bet it makes sense to Europeans but I have no idea what just happened and that's can be enjoyable so I don't I don't keep up on on British politics I just want to check real quick before we get into it is it okay to hate Graham Norton I feel like they must, right? He's so like... I can't help it. I really, really hate him throughout this entire show.

I feel like his broadcast skills are like really mean-spirited. Like he's talking shit about the production and the performers in a way that's like, yeah, that's what we're going to do, I suppose. But like... Yeah, but you shouldn't be doing that. Yeah. For the official York Country's version of the show.

I do like how he gets really excited for Celine Dion to show up. I don't want to spoil it, because he's just really hyping it up here. At the start, she's here, she's going to show up, she's going to do something amazing. Keep that in mind. I think she's just in town.

He's just like, oh, I heard Celine Dion's in town. He's sure. Oh, you know what that means. He's so sure. And then I heard Celine Dion's in town. He's sure. You know what that means. And then there's this stadium they have next door with a big cube in it and he's like, you know who'd look really good on that fucking cube. Yeah, you know who loves the cube? I'm not saying she's gonna show up.

It's clearly a reflection of her favorite cube-based song, like her number one, I Love the Cube by Celine Dion. The theme from The Cell starring Vincent D'Onafrio. Oh, she did a song for the Cube soundtrack too, that one with the shifting cubes where the people get. Yeah, it was all clues. It was all clues. Okay, so it opens, it's like four hours long

and it's just jam packed with songs. The first one, they sing the song from last year and I don't, again, I don't get it. So this woman comes out and she's singing this bizarre like sort of Disney anthem she's in a white gown with a George Washington wig made out of dryer felt and then just for like 20 seconds and calls it she's just like fuck it that's it you remember this shit bye god they do like a flag parade with the drum corps from from the local area lasers they do the chica-chica, ow, ow.

They play that during, I'm like. That came out of nowhere. That's not the vibe at all of this. It's like an 80s sex romp all of a sudden. And just the numbers are terrifying. There's 26 finalists, 37 entered the semifinals. One more time, it was four hours. Good God, good Lord.

We meet our TV presenters, they're just zipping through everything. There's a woman named Michelle Husaker, and she is just jacked. It looks like for her dress she just rolled around in Saran wrap, just va-va-voom, very distracting. Then there was a singer from back of the day and a stand-up comedian uh who did not quite tickle my American sensibilities but whatever it's all fucking weird there was like something I liked about her but I was like oh maybe it's tougher that she's doing her jokes in English I mean there's a lot of this in that where like

the person's trying to make a joke and they're speaking like a second language and it's like, oh, it's very hard to do comedy in your second language. I felt the same way about the songs. Like they'd sing the song and I'd be like, maybe that's better in their original language. I mean, it's dog shit here. Maybe it's, but it must, it must rule in a way I don't understand. It frustrates me because I can't ever tell

if they're incompetent or if I'm confused. Like I feel like such a grandpa, like watching Eurovision. Like I just don't have the confidence to like make a judgment which is something I normally feel very comfortable doing. It happens all the time, especially in anime. You'll watch an anime or something and be like, well, this surely must be based on some sort of Japanese folklore

that I don't understand, because it's fucking nonsense. And then if you ever look it up, like 80% of the time, it's not. It's just fucking nonsense. It's just some guy's foot fetish. Maybe after this, Brockway, you can do a podcast called Is Eurovision Wrong? Because I think that would fit really well with your anime thing. Is Eurovision Anime? Oh my god.

Oh, it kind of is. It kind of is. I'm going to be sick that day. It's an anime of a drag show. Yeah, it's a competition. It's a tournament anime for Europeans. Oh, indeed. A four hour journey for Europeans. I can't think of anything more unappealing. First up is Norway.

And this is a guy named Kyle Alessandro. He's wearing Joan of Arc armor, but kind of from the future. Yeah, this whole thing is remnant. This is just a remnant DLC. Yes, it's a remnant DLC. I was like, oh, it's like, like the set sort of looked like, it's like, oh, this is the backdrop. This is like one of the boards

from like a Mortal Kombat knockoff. Yeah, it's got very video game energy. And then, yeah, he was just like, if you combined like the Witcher and Cyberpunk 2077. It's remnant, baby. Yeah, oh, okay, yeah. It's a good way to describe it. So you sent me a clip before this, Dan.

I'm going to play that now. This is on the red carpet. Your song is called Lighter, right? Yeah. The fire lighter for cigarettes. You always have to ask outside at the club for cigarettes at the lighter that you're like, oh, let's make a song about a lighter.

Well, yeah, it's about my mom, actually. Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Wish I hadn't said all that stupid shit I just said. It's actually about his mother who died of cancer also. Oh, Jesus.

I also like so- Which you told me that. That was a drag queen doing the red carpet, which makes perfect sense for this show. But they go, your song's lighter, right? Like have that on a card in front of you so you don't have to ask them. It's pretty bad.

This is about blow jobs in the bathroom, right? Yeah. No, no. Okay, I think maybe Norway doesn't have a distinctive music because this was like a Bollywood reggaeton song. If that makes sense. I have a clip of it. I'm be my own lighter. I feel the spark inside me. I don't need saving. No way, no way.

It's on my own, I'm my own lighter. No, you nailed it. Yeah, okay, good. It's a very strange song to write about like a mother who passed away. I don't know, because it does, it sounds like a bathroom blowjob song. And then to dress up as Remnant and also be on a stage, a stage designed after Remnant. I really don't get it. Yeah. I was throwing grenades at him the whole song. I was dropping turrets.

I was stacking debuffs on him. That's a good way to play that game. I don't know how to describe it. That's my sentence about Norway's Eurovision song. Okay, there's 150 goddamn songs. We cannot drill into it. Yeah, we can keep moving. Okay. I can explain the whole,

like the one year I watched it and Romania had a yodeling song. So sometimes it's like, this is Armenian culture and we're gonna play some sort of like, you know Native instrument, you know to our to our country and then sometimes it's we're gonna do a Euro dance song from 1992 And it's it's wild the difference in songs that people do That seems to be all they did to like those two things. It was it was why that was it Well, I have a clip from the next song Luxembourg. I'll go ahead and play that. It's just like there's a half a minute of screaming.

I thought that was interesting. Graham Norton comes in and gives a weird stat like no one who has ever gone second has ever won Eurovision. So he's just dropping these weird color commentary stats while he's doing the play by play. It's starting to occur to me here what's weird about this. And obviously, yes, because I'm American and I'm raised to know only American and obviously we're the fucking best USA, but like, I think the closest analog is when you watch Olympic shooting and they have these super weird bows and guns and eyeball mounts and all that.

And, and I think at one point it went from seeing you had, who was the best shot and now it's who's the best at this intensely weird thing that only like 50 people do. And I think that's what this is. These are songs and performances that kind of remind you of human music, but they were built specifically for this one event. Like generations of competition have refined

what it means to be good at just this. This is only Eurovision. People don't like it outside of this. Sean, I would like to tell you that you are basically exactly right. There are like songwriting camps where people go to try to get into Eurovision. And so this has been, you're correct, it's been like refined. I don't think many songs, occasionally there's a song that like wins Eurovision that's like a hit.

But I think in a lot of other ways, it's like, oh, all these songs are just in Eurovision. And then they disappear. I think it's pretty much just ABBA. It's like only ABBA made it out of Eurovision. Then everybody's like, we're going to be the next ABBA. And you have to be like, okay, but that was 50 years ago. A few years ago, a band called Maniskin won, they're Italian. And like, I know them because there was like a viral pitchfork review of them that everyone was angry about. And like, that's the only Eurovision entry that has made it onto my other radar. I'm sure that they're in Europe. Some of them may be popular, but yeah, nothing breaks over over here. Yeah, but like competition competition tends to innovate and iterate the fun out of everything if you let it. When I was a kid, MMA used to be just two maniacs

from strip malls figuring out which kind of Aikido sucked the least. And now everyone is this perfectly cross-trained man consulting with nutritionists and hiding steroids from athletic commissions. And it's not the same. It's technically better as this type of specific sport, but the joy of it has gone.

It was only interesting when maybe a sumo wrestler would show up and you'd be like, well, listen what happens. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't go into saying the exact same thing about Eurovision. It would only be interesting in whatever years where a sumo wrestler might just show up.

Sumo guy came in. Does he win if he pushes him off the stage? If your style of performance was sumo. Just 100 hands slaps him right off the stage. Oh, oh, he just won. Little known, little known by-rule. That would be a good fucking show. I guess there's a good example of this going haywire.

In competitive yo-yo about five or six years ago, there was this guy who was like the best in the world since he was a fourth grader, right? Just this, it's like yo-yo obviously is just a bunch of Japanese indoor kids at the top levels, but this kid was just this next level. And he was in this competition doing, it's tricks that like broke their scoring system.

Like he was doing all these one-handed impossible tricks, just juggling loose yo-yos in the sky on spider webs. He was like frantically building under them, but the shit was so crazy. He got last place because they judge on the amount and variety of tricks. And instead of 70 crazy things, he did 30 unthinkable ones. My point is that best and winner start to look like different things after a competition settles into a structure. And Eurovision has fucking settled into a structure.

These guys are all on these video floors with giant video backdrops and they clearly need to have 40 seconds of competitive screaming. Just like a figure skater needs to do a triple axel at one point. Maybe someday someone will show up with just the coolest song, but I feel like having the coolest song won't win the thing unless you have the elaborate choreography to like 50 different cameras. Yeah, it's about specifically manipulating their stage too. Sometimes it's weird. It's like some of the entries have ridiculously elaborate sets,

and then some of the other ones, it'll be like black and white for some reason, and the person's just like standing there in the center. Yeah. Yeah. But even that's sort of like a statement about how they're not doing it. Sure. Sure. For Eurovision. This is a song about doing blowjobs in the bathroom. It's very serious. No, no, no. It's my father. He's very sick. He's a bathroom salesman from Estonia. I guess we're doing Estonia next. This is a guy named Tommy Cash and he sang a song called Espresso Macchiato And I think this is like a parody of Italian music It seems kind of dickish like I feel like if Italy is there you'd have to come out and fight this guy like There was actually a controversy a lot of people thought that like how are you allowing this?

He is just coming after Italians, but he's coming after Italians in like a really it's hard to get mad at it way Like he's not yeah, he's not like calling them insulting things. He's like after Italians in like a really it's hard to get mad at it way like he's not yeah He's not like calling them insulting things. He's like, oh you like your coffee You like a big pot of pasta like it's really it's really grade school kind of like if you get mad at this What's wrong with you stuff and I'm sure you have let's play a clip of the song if you have it before. And he is dancing like a fucking asshole. It's a real like punch me in the face. Yeah.

If I was Italy backstage rehearsing, I would stop and fight him. Like there's, absolutely not. But I think Italy was a little, like a Torpy space vampire. So maybe that wasn't like. Yeah. Yeah, my yoga teacher told me that he's a great dancer. I don't know anything about dancing,

but apparently people were saying he knows his moves or whatever. But we wrote on Defector. We did like a preview, like round table for our writers. And it was headlined, can you do racism against Italians? Because people were like furious. And yeah, I did think it was sort of just him making fun of Italians, but sort of not.

I liked his bit, how he had like a fake fan trying to like say, and his really long tie. Is that an Italian stereotype? Do they wear really long tie do it is that an italian stereotype do they wear like really long ties maybe and they got really loose legs and their knees move sideways i guess some of those goddamn sons of bitches i have this is the only person i knew who it was vaguely because my my wife likes him not really so much his music but just because he this is who he is he's a no good punk he's just like a professional no good punk out there doing punk shit. Tommy Cash. She sent me a little primer. He once partnered with Adidas and they were like, we'll do whatever you want.

And he said, let's make the world's longest shoe. OK, so that was that was his leg. You're not going to sell anything. He sort of partnered with McDonald's and his thing is he wanted to make a sad meal, which came with pickles and a switchblade. And he wrote a theme song and it goes, ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm hating it. Oof, I really liked it up until then.

Just a little punk. He bought a Lamborghini and covered it in delivery app logos and called himself the world's fastest delivery guy and then drove around taking Uber orders in this half million dollar car. Just a punk. Like for no reason, in no direction. Like I assumed maybe he was... I assumed this was like the trophy thing, right? Where like there's a backstory between like why Estonia hates Italy and, or like something with him. I know, I don't think so.

I think, I think he just came out and he's like, I'm going after Italians tonight. He just executes big on really dumb ideas. Yes. He was like, what if, what if we just stuck it to those Italians and their ties and their coffee? Like he went to, he went to a fashion show dressed as like a full French coffee table once. Okay. Just like the first bad idea you have and he's like,

let's spend half a million dollars and I'm just gonna go do it. And everybody's gonna hate it. And that's what he did with this song too. Like, let's do a song making fun of Italian stereotypes. Why would we do that? I don't know. I'm not thinking it through. Let's just go do it. Let's spend half a million dollars and of Italian stereotypes. Why would we do that? I don't know. I'm not thinking it through.

Let's just go do it. Let's spend half a million dollars and go do it. So I did not know that he was responsible for the long sneaker. That was a ripoff of the Dufala Brothers, a Philadelphia artists who, and I know this because they're from Philadelphia and that's me.

Yeah. And I mean, I they're from Philadelphia and that's me. I guess I'm not entirely sure if he knew about these long sneakers, but they did long sneakers in like 2009 and it went pretty viral. And his shoes look exactly like the one. Long sneakers, those aren't new. Yeah. But I mean also, he's just a punk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But also he might like, I think theirs was like a sculpture. And so making it a sneaker, like it's not like they have any legal claim against them. That's like fair use to, to rip it off and change it into, or at least, you know, but, but yeah, but so I did not know he was the long sneaker guy. So I learned something about Eurovision from you, Brockway.

Huh. Well, technically it was my wife. But you knew he danced like a fucking asshole. So you didn't learn anything from me. I think she showed me a video of his where he just- You knew that coming in. I think she showed me a video of his where he,- You knew that coming in. I think she showed me a video of his where he, I think it's this guy where he just had a video,

a really explicit video of sexy naked women, only he put his face over all of their vaginas, like photo, they superimpose his face instead of their vagina. I think I can suss out the origin of that idea. Narcissism and boner. Yeah, it's like, oh, that's like, kind of funny, but kind of annoying. And it's like, oh, yeah. So that's his gimmick.

That's 100% of what he does. That's like, that's just what he's here to do is be kind of funny, mostly annoying. And I would say he did it in Eurovision too. He's Estonia's Tom Green. Congratulations, Estonia. Oh good, next is Israel. They sort of address the protests. Like, if you're not familiar listeners, yeah, their country is doing some unspeakable war crimes and has been for, I don't know, 12 to 13 years, 50 years.

I can't remember how long now. Maybe you sit out the fun thing if you're actually doing genocide like maybe yeah Maybe you don't you don't go bobsledding if you're genociding somebody that year Like maybe you don't maybe it's not for you. Well, I mean so Eurovision kicked out Russia for invading Ukraine and so obviously people were very much like oh, well, maybe you should kick out Israel. And they did not. Apparently, someone tried to rush the stage and was held back.

Apparently, there were a little more booze in real life than what you heard on TV. The cheers did sound kind of like there's a thing in WWE, the seagull pop. For some reason, for a while, they use like the same exact like sound of the crowd to like to spice it up. And it kind of sounded like a seagull. So I was just thinking, seagull pop, that is what it sounds like.

Like some of the crowd did sound like a little fake. This song also was boring. Yeah. On my notes said it felt like a Disney song, like a soulless craftsman wrote it for a turtle. Don't know what it means, but that's what I wrote as I watched it. Secondary, if you're absolutely insisting

you should enter the fun song contest while you're genociding, don't call it A New Day Will Rise. Like that's, that's not okay. Fascist wording. Yeah. Anyway, I did not take a clip. Thank you. Because I think it sounded like a Disney song is way more than you'll need to picture it. Next up we have Lithuania.

This was by a band called Catarsis, singing Pavelakis, the announcer, Graham Norton. He thought this was going to be, he thought this was like the most extreme thing. I thought fucking goire was going to come out. Yeah. This felt like a Christian band trying to do nirvana, but I'm not going to explain things. I guess it's like little kids who've never had a real job or been addicted to heroin singing about suffering is what it felt like to me.

And Graham Norton is kind of roasting him. I have a clip. Now there were some raised eyebrows when Kitarasis for Lithuania got through the semi-final. Those eyebrows were mine. Very surprised, but you know, there is a large esuenian diaspora around Europe so they always do quite well. The song is called Tabarakis which means your eyes. Bear that in mind when you listen to this song it's about somebody's eyes. The lead singer is called Lucas. He doesn't seem overly thrilled to be here,

even when he got through the semifinals. It was like someone had promised him he could go home if he did it once, but no, he's gotta do it again. Just fucking catty. He's super catty. What a bitch. But he's also like, can you imagine this song about somebody's eyes? Yeah, they just played extremely moderate rock.

Like... Yeah, that just played extremely moderate rock. Yeah, that's very surprising. Like, rock turned down to 50% opacity. Like, yeah, this is just it's grocery store rock. I can imagine that being about somebody's eyes. Like, I really thought, like, they're gonna come out and just cod pieces and fuck each other for Satan or something the way he's talking about it. But God, it was so milk toast. Next up is Spain. We learned that they haven't won since 1969. Kind of just a sad fact.

Graham Norton drops on us. This is a woman in melody singing Esa Diva and she starts fully dressed, but don't worry. Graham Norton's like, she'll take it off. And cause they do a lot of costume changes and she changes into like this glamorous like disco thing. It's very competent, very glamorous. I didn't take a clip.

It just seems like seeing this, you really appreciate the technical difficulty of this production. Like there's five seconds between songs and 10 million lighting setups, dancers and pyrotechnics and the performers are in on it. They're turning the camera on beat. There's so many people involved in the choreography from dancers to production. It's fucking crazy to me.

I wrote down she's dressed like Toby Keith's sleep paralysis demon. That helps you picture her? Yeah, that's actually really accurate. Yeah, very sexy, glamorous. Next was Ukraine. I think they're called Zybablat. And they sang a song called Bird of Prey. I liked their outfits. They were dressed by a Ukrainian fashion designer. They looked awesome and insane. Like just tunics. Like it looks like they were warped here from 1970, like a knockoff Flash Gordon movie hired a knockoff queen, but in a good way.

If emo kids were trying to dress like street wear, that is sort of how, how I felt them. But yeah, very like 70s futuristic in a way. Kind of a Vaseline Xanadu kind of thing. Vaseline Xanadu is perfect. I took a clip of the middle when it's for just a moment they kind of sounded like a knockoff queen which I really liked. I like the band, where do you go? I'm begging you, please just leave, share my heart with someone who's lost But yes, I'm begging you, please just leave, share my heart with someone who cares.

Sounds much less like Queen hearing it back, but they're so not catchy. Like outside of Eurovision, I can't... If I was watching a movie and that song came out, I'd say, what the fuck is this song? If I was like in the car and my wife put it on me, what the fuck are you listening to? You could play any one of these songs and ask me, what decade do you think this is from? And I would be wrong 100% of the time. Absolutely. They're generic not only now, but throughout time, which is, it seems impossible. Agreed. Like they all have a retro vibe to them.

They all have a disco vibe to them. You're not going to be ABBA. They all want to be ABBA. The UK, they have a band called Remember Monday and these three girls, they're singing What the Hell Just Happened? And this felt like a big musical theater song. Like this was bounced right off me.

I didn't take a clip. Yeah. The, the, the pacing of this song changed like way too much. But it was a song like celebrating getting blackout drunk at least, like that's very English. So they were celebrating their culture. But this would not be my party anthem. Nothing but a good time by poison if you're curious.

Next is Austria and this was JJ singing Wasted Love. And this guy was a professional opera singer and they did a weird like he's on a boat and on this crashing waves in the video screen. This song, it didn't seem serious. It felt like a Chris Kattan sketch about an opera singer to me. I wrote down almost word for word.

I wrote down it's like, it feels like an old Simpsons bit making fun of an Austrian music video. Yes. Like, it feels like a, like a Saturday Night Live character where the guy can't sing within the range of human ears, so he starts like just screeching and then no one can hear what he's singing. A lot of it barely registers as music. Somewhere around the time he waved goodbye to a paper boat and then like folded in on

himself like his heart was gone. It's like, this is parody, right? Yeah. Nobody's like, this is parody, right? Yeah. Nobody's that Austrian. When he came on with his props, it like looked like he had just like, he was like Sam Bridges and his pack just like he fell and is in death stranding

and like all of his stuff just scattered all over. Like it was just a very like, but I did kind of like the sped up part at the end. I have a clip. 🎵 🎵 🎵 Just straight, it's the fifth element music. He's doing impossible things with his mouth and an impossible level of energy. I can't even spoil it, that fucking won. That was the winner.

Yeah, yep. That's the winner. And he performed it again while weeping. And every time he got a chance to take a breath, he would thank them. And he's got this tiny little voice. And then he'd go straight back to the teapot squealing. Oh, it's fucking fantastic.

It was the most European choice they could possibly make. Absolutely. The next one they did, Iceland, this was Vabe singing Røa. This is like a super hype pirate shanty. They're in cyber overalls. I swear these are, they are 11 years old. I put these kids might be like seven. Like, like Hanson in a mace video.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Their costumes were kind of like, like, like a mace video. Like real 2000s hip hop. Okay. I got a clip of it. I'm not even gonna miss out on anything, but I'm gonna put the whole thing on hold now. I wrote down her exact quote. This sounds like a sea shanty at the gay club. It takes a lot of boxes for me. So she really enjoyed this. That's a really good way to describe it. This could be from the 70s, cutting edge in the 70s.

It could be from any decade. It's impossible to tell. It could be from the year 3000. They are wearing cyber overalls. It could be from the fifth element also. It could be from the year 3000. They are wearing cyber overalls. Yeah, it could be from the fifth element also. Could be the next scene in the fifth element. It could be 1870, because it was kind of like what something you sing

just with updated music. I've never heard 1870s Iceland music. It could have been that. Yeah, you're right. That's what Vikings sang on the long boats. Jürgen. Lafayette's, their song was called Burman Limey by the band Tatumetas.

I don't have to tell you that, you remember that. This one, they're all dressed like ocean nymphs singing like an insane harmony. This is what ancient sailors died to. This is, it's beautiful, but I don't trust it. I never want to hear it again. They grow monkey tails at one point. I loved, this is like the only song I loved.

I won't say like I would listen to it outside of the context of Eurovision, but if you're gonna lean into some sort of stereotype about your country, and you are, as is Eurovision, people are out here like, I love a good sauna, who wants a meatball? They're like, we're a dark forest of corrupted wood sprites and we can beat, the lyrics are all, we can beat any curse or hex, we will summon things to defeat you. Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, but sitting there in its final fantasy. I have a clip. Yeah, you're dying in a forest to that. Yeah. Again, 90's Enya song? Could be. Could be. Or just a fairy trap left in the woods by evil spirits. Yeah, the year 6000 long after civilization has died and been rebirthed in a shape we

don't recognize? Could be. Could be. I could see that being like the best track on pure moods. So yeah. Like an absolute slip right into pure moods. Never get a spot on Freedom Rock. Monster Jams, forget it.

Netherlands is next. It's Cloud and he's singing C'est La Vie. Or she, I can't remember. Is it, he was a human, right? No, it's a guy, it's a guy, yeah, yeah. Okay, I remember now. So this seems, it seems pretty confident. Like this is a guy who would maybe come like 20th

in an American Idol competition. There's so much complexity in the staging for just this really dull song. Didn't take a clip. Finland was next. This was Erika Wichmann and she's singing Ik Kome, which is German for I'm Coming. Graham really sets this up like it's gonna be crazy.

Like, oh guys, when you see what she comes out in and she comes out in like, like a dominatrix leather leotard, but more mortal combat than like, like a fuck uniform. Like it's very eighties. She flies around on a giant microphone. She has the sexual vibes of woman who, who took up fucking after the last of her kids left for college. I guess it's sort of how I like got her vibe. Yeah, he really- I was like, she was there for action, but. He really tried to hype, I don't know why,

like what kind of life do you live? Where like this is an unbelievably crazy thing you feel the need people to like brace for, right? You guys are not fucking ready for what's coming. And then it's a kids pop of a Britney Spears song. Like- Yeah. And she's got like kids pop of a Britney Spears song. Like, yeah. And she's got like very modest, like, yeah, it was like,

yeah, it was like low cut, but that's about it. I don't know. It was like, like, yeah, like I don't, I don't understand why this was such like a, like shocking outfit. Or performance or something. It's like something George the animal steel would wear to a formal event.

Like what he would wear to a wedding or a funeral. Just a lot of buns coverage. Okay, so Italy's next. And this guy's gotta be pissed because of that Estonian fuck. Gotta come out swinging, right? No, this is a little fella named Lucio Corsi singing, Volevo essere un duro.

It kind of sounds like Dire Straits and Bob Dylan got in a teleporter accident, but he's dressed like a space vampire. This was probably my favorite song. I'm gonna play it. E che ne l'uva è senza buga, solo frega tu e I'm the one who's in the middle of the road Only you care And who's at the bottom of the river Will run away from your fears I'll live my life

Without the fear of being alone Without the fear of being alone Yeah, I want to like that one. I didn't really like it. It sounded like weaker Bowie, but the lyrics he was singing about how he wishes he could be a robot, a sumo wrestler, or the king of spitting. Oh yeah, and we know this because it had English subtitles for some reason. I wish I was the King of Spitting. Like, all right.

It's the first thing I learned in Italian class. So I already knew what he was saying. I didn't need the subtitles. Poland's next. Just doing this. Just singing. They're doing like a Prywall Druid thing. She's dressed like Cate Blanchett Hella.

There's a seven minute screaming spin in this song. I didn't take a clip. But this is shit, it's crazy. There's the same on a dragon on the big screen and she gets kind of dangled from straps. I don't know. It feels like they're trying too hard. I think Eurovision's like, okay guys, forget this. My only note on this song is I wanted to like this more. Yeah, if that was a practical effects dragon you brought out on stage, that would have sold me on it. Next was Germany. I don't know if you guys had a big reaction to this.

There's a brother and sister. It was like a modern Eurodance song. I actually kind of love this song. I thought it was up to like a real promising start when they had like a bowl cut boy in a Frankenstein suit come out and he's playing a glowing cello and I'm like, see that's what I want from Eurovision. I want your fucking weirdo to come out. Show me the everybody's over here in Germany, we're into bowl cut Frankenstein's glowing cello. You guys are into that too? Like, no, but then it just turns into a safety pop again. No, but then it just turns into safety pop again. It's like a club song from the 90s, but a club where people get human trafficked, not like a nice place.

Like, I think the more we talk about this, I think I might like Eurovision just because I have terrible taste in music. Yeah, I think it's really good for people like that. This is playing in a club where John Wick kills 50 guys. Oh yeah, I like that. I think a Neon Cello is too much for the record. I think it's like-

That's what I want. To me though, it's like a Garfield wedding ring. It's like, I think it makes both things suffer rather than combining to make each of them better. I would rather have too much than not enough, than four hours of not enough. And now that I say it out loud, a Garfield wedding ring is awesome.

Yeah, no, you turned me around on it. They do a package here at the point in the production where they show like what it's like backstage. And I was actually curious about this, so I'm glad they had this. They are, it's as fucking frantic as I imagined. They are just sprinting, shoving these giant things around. There's just 35 second changeover between songs.

We haven't mentioned this yet, but the only thing breaking up these songs is like these little video packages of them like opening an envelope and seeing what weird Swiss thing they have to do. Yeah, they all have to do a job. They all like go to work for the day at some Swiss business. Next is Greece.

And this is a girl named Clavdia singing Asteromata. I wrote down in my notes, she looks like Laura Loomer with a human face, but that is fucked up. I shouldn't have written that down. I wrote down she's wearing glasses in a suspicious way, like we're supposed to be surprised when she takes them off and she's beautiful.

Right. Oh, oh, you've been beautiful this whole time. Oh, really? Behind your Charles Nelson Reilly glasses. So this is a lot of burning, huge walls of fire behind her. I'll never remember that song, but it seems fun. Her set was like a long pier with a rock at the end. It was a very strange set.

It was the Prometheus planet. She was doing it from the Prometheus planet. It's weird they didn't have the aliens then. You can have aliens. The aliens. Have them attack you. That would be great. Up next, Armenia.

I played their song accidentally earlier. This is Parg singing Survivor. And when you mentioned, Dan, all the teams of people that write Eurovision songs, they talked about this. Graham Norton was like, this song was co-written by the co-writer of last year's winner. It's just like this, just from the stuff he was saying, it was clear there's an entire industry

of people writing songs just for Eurovision. And they all teamed up on this and you played it on the podcast and I could not tell you what it sounds like. It is just diva music. He's shirtless and covered in mud. It was 10 minutes ago. Out of my brain. Yeah, it was 10 minutes. It's gone. I'll never remember it. It's like a song about he's going to beat everybody up, but he's like crying for most of it. He's just like running on a treadmill. Graham Norton talks about how wet his pants must be

from sweat. That was weird. That's actually at the end of the clip that I was playing. I don't think we need to suffer through that song again. Switzerland was next. It's kind of a nice song. It's just a sweet song sang in a spotlight. It seems weird when everyone else is summoning dragons

in their song to just do like this little Sinead O'Connor number. I like that Graham Norton points out that this is, this is filmed in one shot, which is great for TV, but everyone in the arena will hate it. I can't imagine being in the arena there is like, because it's all filmed for TV. Like everyone is just playing to the camera, which makes sense. It's a song competition run.

It gets run by like the national broadcasters of these European countries. But I have to imagine being there is, I mean, I'm sure you're, if you're a Eurovision fan, you get to be excited with other people, but like, it seems like you don't get to see much for any act. Yeah, it's, everything about it is weird. Next up is Malta, and this is Mariana Quante. It's her fifth attempt.

I guess she's just the Eurovision mascot. Malta just sends this girl that everyone enjoys, but will never win. This song is called Serving Cunt, actually, but which means serving in Maltese. So it's like, oh, it's serving, serving, but it sounds like serving cunt. So they made her censor it for the performance.

They have like rules and not just against like profanity, like you can't advertise anything. Last year there was a guy named Windows 95 Man who competed for one of the countries. And they made him wear like a blurred Windows 95 logo instead of the real one. That one was great. That was the guy who came out like balls and dick nude

with stuff obscuring it like an Austin Powers bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yes. And like a giant pair of jorts. He came out of a giant pair of jorts. Yeah. Yes.

Singing about how there's no rules. Yeah, that guy. Why couldn't that have happened in this one? Agreed. Like that should be every fucking show. When I suggested Eurovision, it had not happened yet. And this year was disappointing. Yeah, it seemed real normal. My extra apologies. Oh, it's fine. suggested Eurovision. It had not happened yet and this year was disappointing.

Yeah, it seemed real. My extra apologies. Oh, it's fine. The next song is by Portugal. It was by Dislocado by Napa. It's about homesickness and it is just a sad song and a swarm of spotlights in space. I thought it's fine, maybe because I've been driven completely insane by Light Show, but Graham Norton did not like it. I have a clip of him. Let me find it. I called it Bitchy. And they are in this lead, member. I've never heard someone do a fade end at Eurovision 4. It's a bold choice.

It's a sort of beguiling song, and remember, it got through a semi-final. People picked it up the phone and voted for that song so it might do better than i'm thinking it will. all right back to a eurovision classic it's denmark. i'm maybe coming around i'm coming around on gram norton this is how i would probably have announced it where I'd start off a Little more excited and then just our three be like Okay. Yeah another one of those, huh? I know enough about me to never take this gig if someone said would you like to announce your original?

I'm saying absolutely not people will be very upset. Well, yeah, Denmark is next they sing hallucination. This is just a bunch of ruffles That's the only way to describe it. It's how a woman discovers her sexuality in a Stanley Kubrick movie. That's actually a really good way to describe it. I think lots of Eurovision acts are like that. Yeah, that's true. It's a real elaborate, stark way for a woman to discover her sexuality. Sweden is next.

It's a band called Kaj, and they're actually from Finland, but part of Finland that speaks Swedish, so that counts, I guess. And they draw their secret Swiss job, and they get Halsenlupf wrestling. So while everyone else is like serving ice cream and delivering mail,

they're getting body slammed by these massive dudes. Like, they're like, no, we wanna cobble shoes, whatever the Like, they're like, no, we want to cobble shoes, whatever the fuck. They're like, no, dude. I would be so happy though, if I got one interesting job, like, oh, you want me to pretend to open mail? Like, no.

Can I do the wrestling one? Yeah, that's definitely the best one. This is gonna sound like insane, but whatever. My, like that actually happens. This is going to sound like insane, but whatever. That actually happens. My friend on his honeymoon, he and his wife went to one of those things. They were in Switzerland. He does judo. So it was like, okay, he wanted to see this Swiss wrestling thing.

And they pulled him out of the crowd for a TV TV segment and he had to do this thing. That's fun. Which is pretty amazing. Yeah. That's fucking sweet. It's way better than being volunteered to like, didn't one of them like have to be a ski lift attendant or something? Like what are you, what's the fucking tech of that?

Not all of them were TV friendly. Yeah. They're like UK people were like, like setting up a table at a restaurant. Okay, alright. Get everybody hyped by me setting out dishes. I really liked this song. It was like the right amount of stupid and catchy. Yeah, these guys are clearly being silly. It was okay. It was like a lonely island video, but not one of the ones that goes viral. Like one of the ones you forget. This was the favorite coming into the, uh, event.

I could see that. Yes! Must be funny, I guess. Probably. I guess I taking a sauna. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, to set the Eurovision record for people singing Waterloo. I don't know what the fuck we're doing. The whole time Graham Norton's like, Graham Norton's like, ooh, this is how you summon Celine Dion. This is the ritual.

The prophesied Celine Dion will arrive. I know she's in that cube. Let her out of the cube. We come birth from the cube, Celine Dion. But she's not birthed from the cube, is she? She's still not birthed from the cube. There's still time, baby. Still time.

We are coming up on the 24th performer, which is France. Luanne singing mamon, which means mom. She's she likes how to put ice cream and ice cream cones for her Swiss job. And then Graham warns everybody that there's a diarrhea part of her song. I thought that's fucking weird.

She's in a giant hourglass. Uh, and there's this moment where the swirls of sand kind of fly around her. I guess that's what he means. Yeah. What was, what was, does he just hate the French? I guess I have a clip of, of what he said here. It's really great staging, but there is a bit about two thirds of the way through. And I'm sure you'll spot it where it looks like Poulouan has had a sort of explosive digestive problem.

Which does slightly take you out of the beautiful song. Song 34. There's no more love, there's no more love. I thought, I was waiting for that to be like an actual part of the skit because she comes out and like France, France is obviously going to sing about emptiness while holding a glass of wine and dancing in the sands of time. Like obviously that's what the French are going to do. But I thought based on what he said, I'm like, but at some point she's going to like kick over a table and just blast diarrhea out. I'm like, I'm excited to see what that, how that works in. Get that sea shanty beat drop.

Doot doot doot doot doot. And then, shooting out her ass. But it just meant that the like sand swirl around her? What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? It did not, for the record, it did not look like diarrhea. No. No. And he was talking about it before you see it.

It's like he's preloading the dumb ass observation about how something that doesn't look like diarrhea looks like diarrhea. I mean, I don't have great broadcast skills, but that is some fucking shitty broadcast skills. Next up is Sam Marino. I don't think I know this country. I think it was founded by Dan Marino's wife. And this was Gabri Ponte performing, performing with a question mark. Tutta la Italia. This dude's just a fucking DJ.

So he's slapping a drum machine sometimes while he's playing the drums. And he's playing the drums. And he's playing the drums. performing performing with a question mark uh tuta la talia uh this dude's just a fucking dj so he's slapping a drum machine sometimes while like the song plays and i get there is some skill to djing some people are better at standing behind music equipment and holding their arms up but i'd estimate this guy is average to below average at that skill um i so anyway i just think it's a bad idea to have a dj i think it's, I'm going to make a slippery slope argument, but this man is playing a song and if this is your

standard for performance, then why not have a bunch of people dancing to a song? And from there, why not juggle to it? And since this is Europe, next step is mime. I'm saying we're three steps from mime. You're five years from an international mime variety show if you fucking allow this shit to happen So I actually have a a fun fun fact about this guy He was in eiffel 65 the blue da ba dee band Oh, he was like that's his song like that. I think he maybe wrote it. I don't know uh, but he uh Uh, maybe he didn't write it, but yeah, but he, uh, this, this bit had the most

disturbing visuals because it had the like Michelangelo's David animation of him like eating an apple and it was terrifying. I, I hated it so much. It was some bullshit. We just watched a guy DJ a song for five minutes, two hours. I can't, I've lost all concept of time. A couple of years ago, Sanrita's entry was like some woman singer featuring Flo Rida, who just flew in the night before the contest and sang the song and flew out. And yeah. That's fascinating that you can bring in a ringer.

Yeah. All right. That doesn't seem fair. I wanna see more gamesmanship on that front. Well, I mean, that's how Switzerland won when Celine Dion won Eurovision for them. Like she's not. That opens up an element of Eurovision like,

yeah, bring in ringers, bring in doping. Like let's get this fucking going. Yeah, bring in a Kurt Cobain hologram. Yeah, man. And the last performance Albania and this is a Skådra Elektroniket singing Jarm. Oh, Jarm. Yeah. Do you have a course you remember Jarm? This was a beautiful woman in red, in an ocean of red visually. And then some guy just standing behind her by a podium who hits a box like once every 40 seconds. You can't even hear it.

It's like I was listening for him like that. That has nothing to do with any drum sounds I'm hearing. And he's just, it does that European song thing where the creep just starts talking in the middle of it. I have a clip. foreign yeah Is it supposed to sound like that? Did he like miss a cue maybe? It's like Europe just got evanescence and they're like, oh, this is it. This is it.

See, this is music for Liam Neeson to kill Eurotrash too. I don't know why that's different from John Wick, but it is. It definitely is, for sure. If I had to guess the relationship between these two, because they said they weren't like a couple or brother and sister, I think this woman is his prisoner. If I had to guess, this is fucking creep. Anyway, we did it.

That's all 26 songs. And what terrified me about this is that when I looked at the video file, there's still 90 goddamn minutes left. Yeah. And this 90 minutes is fucking pointless. There is a lot of filler. I did like the like dance off song off

between the two groups and the Kanye and the jackets that Kanye West did for The Gap. Yeah, when they made the whole stage look like a Street Fighter cabinet. That kind of thing. Yeah, I liked that. It was like little combo holograms and health bars that are like 20 feet high. And I'm like, okay, do more of that then if you can do that. Like fucking goof with it. And then at the end, the the the comedian host Hazel, like is on stage holding the lead singer of each of each group. The one dude's

name is baby, baby lasagna. I remember him from before, because of his name. And she goes, What do we do now kiss? No. And then she does it anyway. And I was like, oh, Jesus, it's this kind of show. The shows are crazy. They have acts like previous winners going about 45 years come out and sing songs. They sound exactly the same.

Yeah, there's no way to tell them apart. Any one of them could be an entrant today. Any one of them could be. And the scoring takes just like a full hour. Every country has a national jury and they give points to like their 12 favorites. And there's also a public vote for each country. Celine Dion still has not arrived despite all the teasing. Iceland, those little boys in the cyber overalls, they have got no points for like so many for so many fucking countries. I just have notes on my favorite of the, so everybody, the hosts throw to a presenter

from each country via satellite. And it's really off, these are professional broadcasters, these are all professional broadcasters. And they're like, now we have Malta, and it'll be like a 10-second delay. We can do this instantly. I've seen it happen on Twitch. I think these broadcasters should be able to do it. My favorite woman was the Dutch woman who, when she gave the points, because she said,

I wrote it down, their song was called C'est La Vie. She was like, and I just want to say the world famous Dutch words, C'est La Vie. She's just making fun of their own entry. There was also, the woman from Georgia was struggling to like remember like her lines or whatever. And at one point she just says firefighter. And I scrolled it back like five or six times and she does just say firefighter for seemingly no reason.

It's just a word she learned to say really well. Does she maybe mean lighter? Oh, maybe? Yeah, I mean, it did seem like she was like, oh, this woman is talking in a language she doesn't speak to often. You know, I have that, like if you're taken to a lingo for another language, there's just like a word that you can really nail. Yeah, she's just showing off her awesome English. Yeah, she's just like.

Firefighter. That's the greatest one I have, firefighter. Credit card, tomato soup. Yeah, man, do it. I guess Israel did well in like the anonymous judging, because like when people are like, hey, here's who we pick, look at my human face, you can see who I am.

Nobody picked Israel, but then often secret when they're allowed to do the anonymous voting. So Israel actually finished higher than you would think. you can see who I am. Nobody picked Israel, but then often secret when they're allowed to do the anonymous voting. So Israel actually finished higher than you would think. Yeah, they're like in the lead at the end, in the, for the end bit. You can vote, so you can vote up to 20 times and it costs one Euro to vote.

That's $1.16. I just looked it up. I don't know that offhand. And I didn't know this before coming in until I like saw. So like I watched this with my wife and I watched this with my dad also because he likes live music performances and like stupid things. And so I figured he would enjoy this and he did. And he would, you know, like the gimmick of Eurovision is that it's like, one of the things they say is like, we are strictly neutral, it's non-political. And obviously like it's impossible to have a singing competition between European countries that's

not going to be political but he was like when Israel got all those points he was like oh I see it's non-political they like they um Israel like ran ads telling people to vote for them that's what happened Eurovision all right I was wondering what the fuck that was about. And because you can vote from like all over like the world, I guess, and other countries. And yeah, so that's one of the ways they got so many votes from the public. My favorite part happens. I think you're probably going to get to it.

I just want to make sure that we talk about Switzerland. Oh, it was so amazing. Do you have a clip? I don't have a clip. I don't even know what you're talking about. I might have gonna get to it. I just want to make sure that we talk about Switzerland. Oh, it was so amazing Do you have a clip? I don't have a clip. I don't even know what you're talking about. I might have scrubbed through it Okay, so this is the the three like the way I'm not gonna go through their insane complicated voting system It it's European whatever but like it's come down to this point where they have to tally the audience votes and like they the audience votes could swing it all And so the Israel I think has just gotten their audience votes and like are commanding in the lead and they're like, oh my god Nobody else can take this like they're gonna have to take an incredible amount of votes to overcome this gap So there are three people who could theoretically if if the audience votes come in who could

take this and Israel is looking like the one that's gonna do it and so they have this big moment set up where they're revealing the points and they're like okay Switzerland we've tallied the audience votes and you've got zero Zero points. Fucking zero points. In the host country, they had to announce to all of the Swiss people in the arena and in like the soccer stadium next door, where they had the big cube that Switzerland got zero points. It was my favorite thing.

They're absolutely like, nobody? Nobody called it? To be fair, their song was four hours ago. Like who can remember? Not one goddamn call. Not a single Swiss person being like, yeah, I like them. Yes, call me biased. I mean, I live here.

Oh wait, a dollar 16? Did you say no? No, I don't. Yeah, call me biased. I mean, I live here. Oh, wait, a dollar 16? Did you say no? No, I don't like them that much. Yeah, I don't like them that much. So yeah, like we mentioned, Austria, the opera singer won. Iceland did finally get on the board, just barely beating the DJ San Marino sent.

Ha ha ha. I thought the Austrian guy threw up after he won. He might have. I don't know. He was like, there was a point where you saw him and he was like coughing and gagging and it looked like that maybe he had just thrown up moments before. Yeah, you only get about 20 seconds of that voice in a day and he'd already sang the song once. I will say thank fucking God Israel didn't win.

Because the country, remember, country that wins has to host it the next year. And I'm gonna pull back from that joke. Einstein 100 Frankfurt. Einstein 100 Frankfurt. Einstein 100 Frankfurt. Einstein 100 Frankfurt. Our podcast is great.

And with Max Malian, ciao! Say Frankfurt Podcast? Correct! Yes! The power is not trapped, it is not without! Send it to the dog zone for an hour! Come on!

You know the number! 1-9-100 1-9-100 Frankfurt! 1-9-9-9-9! 1-9-100 Frankfurt! Einstein, who did it? New York! Yeah, 9000! The historic hot dog club here in beautiful Schenectady, New York welcomes to the stage our own in-house in-self comic, Jimmy Jiggles. Oh hey, thank you, thank you, don't applaud too hard, you ain't heard by SetJet. Hey, I see a lot of Supremes out there in the crowd today.

Aaron Crustin, Adrian H., I see Alex Nolenberg here, hey Alex, I hope you get hit by a speedboat like a manatee. Oh! Alpha Scientist Java, Unandy Armando Nava, Autumn Armstrong Berg, you look like a volunteer editor for WikiFeed. Oh! Bim Talzer, Brandon Garlok, Brian Saylor. Oh I see somebody here named Brockway famously loves the meat milly.

Well I happen to know the guy, and guess what? He does. Burrito! Cereal! Cheddar Wolf! You smell like Paul Molls and old breast milk. Ah-ho! Common Sense!

Craig Lemoine! Dan B! David Schill! I heard your AI girlfriend cheated on you! It's not supposed to be possible. Science is studying it. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo will get a bench dedicated to them when they die. You're gonna get the corner chair in a Motel 6. Oh, double up, oh, oh! Elliot Watson, Eric Christianberg, Fancy Shark,

Jell-O-Ho! Hey, good Satan and his hot witches, you know the way that paste the dentist used to polish your teeth tastes? No, of course you don't, oh! Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Pengu. Hey, I see hunk over here on cock Jaber Al Aiden James Boyd. Hey James Boyd. I hope you dry drown in a corn silo Whoa, oh, oh sweet child of oh

Jared clack Jared mountain man Jared Ruiz. It's the Jared's Oh Jared Clack, Jared Mountainman, Jared Ruiz, it's the Jareds! Oh! Jeff Oreski, John Dean, I bet all the microplastics in your balls is gonna turn your babies into spiders! Spider! Oh! John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Joshettes, Joshua Greaves, A. Justin B. You seem like the kind of guy who's had multiple pets die because of his unmedicated ADHD. Uh, uh, uh, oh, sorry that one got stuck.

Ken Paisley, K.N.M. Kamoutsis, K.V.H. I heard you got banned from Bumble and not even for a good pervert reason. You just made people too sad. Hold on, let me load the O-gun. Alright now let me cock it. Alright pull. O! O! O!

Missed all three times. Lane Haygood, Lisa, M. Jahee Chappelle, Hey Mark Mahoney, you seem like the fourth guy to die trying to rescue a dog from a septic tank. Tragic, oh! Matt Riley, Max Baroi, Moju! Hey, you guys like politics?

I hear the best comedy's political these days. Let's try some. A mercenary sissetman, Jeff Bezos called, he wants his personality back, oh! Michael Lair, Mort, mr. Bob gray and D. I see Neil Bailey here. I see Neil Schaeffer here I see NECA 104 here. We got Nick Levino. Hey Nick Levino Elon Musk called he wants his weird torso back towards Oh obsolete Torso back, tors- OHHHHH! Ops-o-leet! Ornry Weevil, we got Ozzy Olin! Double O!

We got Patrick Herbst! Pee-wee's uncle, I hope your spouse leaves you for a Republican! OHHHH! Rebrandrew, I hope you get the kind of concussion that turns you Republican! OHHHH! You and Pee-wee's uncle's wife deserve each other and I hope you're very happy. Oh! Alright, alright, that's enough politics.

We have fun. Oh! Hey, Rhiannon! Hey, Russell Baumann! Hey, Sam Koepnick! I recognize this guy. He's the 204th frame in that scene from Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blasted out the airlock.

That's a deep cut, but look it up, it's also an- OOOOOOOH! Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, hey, Seed's passport lists their sex as too brief for all the heartache it's caused over the years. We got Space Jam fan here, OOOH! Spotty reception, super not.ers tails hey taters tails you smell

like the sock you find stuck to a teenager's wall when you move the bed oh you're just in there you're looking you're looking for drugs or something cuz you don't understand the sudden distance between you and the child who used to love you went BAM crust Krusty old taters tales! Oh! Hey, it's Ted H. Thomas Cavazzo! Timmy Lahey! Toasty God!

Tommy G. V. Lowe! Hey, I see Victor Melovenkin here! You look like you lost a fight to a puff adder who was, itself, already dying of cholesterol poisoning! Oh! Hey, Booster! Hey! You got the anti-venom? to a puff adder who was, itself, already dying of cholesterol poisoning. Oh, hey Booster, hey, you got the anti-venom? No you don't. Hey Waylon Russell, hey, you gonna call somebody? No you aren't. Oh, nevermind though, cause if Vaughn Clapham's here, she can just, sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo time.