The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 235, The Ferret with Bryan Stratton

Episode Date: July 9, 2025

The DOGGZZONE welcomes back Bryan Stratton to the podcast! Gimme an F#, four on the floor, moderate rock! 1...2...3...4... (verse) ROCKSTAR ferret! He's the best at a fight! ROCKSTAR ferret! Got his smokes and a light! ROCKSTAR ferret! He's a weird place to start! ROCKSTAR ferret! Gonna tongue fuck your heart! (pre) It's how gracefully you die that's important! (chorus) ROCKSTAR FERRET! ROCKSTAR FERRET! ROCKSTAR FERRET, YEAH! ---------------------------------------------------------- Buy Robert Brockway's new book... OR ELSE. Hardcover: https://www.amazon.com/Will-Kill-Your-Imaginary-Friend/dp/B0DKB68X6F NON-Amazon: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-will-kill-your-imaginary-friend-for-200-robert-brockway/1146656963

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900 hot dog America's last comedy website. With all the podcasting skills of the mighty ferret, I'm Robert Brockway and with me is my trusty partner in crime fighting, hopefully non-prosecutable ripoff of Sean baby. Find me, find the Sean baby. Oh, it's Sam Baby, everybody. And our guest, a man who knows enough about comic books

to understand that the invite to this podcast was an insult. It's the die cut head of Brian Stratton. Hey, it's me, I'm back. Welcome. So shockingly. I guess thanks for bringing me back for this one. I think that's the the word I'm looking for that's not at all the words you're looking for Rockaway, we'll find that word as we go

You know when you you asked what I was in the mood to talk about and I just kind of replied, you know I was a game I was up for anything. It's like yeah, you know, I've read a little bit of everything so Yeah, whatever you throw at me. I'm sure I can find. I should have been more specific, I realize now. And that was on me, not on you, but in the future, I'm just gonna take that point. I was just at Brian's house for a barbecue, and we talked about the ferret the whole fucking time. Yeah, the better people get to know me,

the less they answer that question that way. Yeah, right. They understand that know me, the less they answer that question that way. Yeah, right. They understand that that kind of trust in our friendship will always be abused. Like it's, I cannot help that. I'm sorry, it's my nature. I'm the scorpion on the frog, by which I mean I'm the ferret, I guess.

I'm the ferret to the Wolverine. So we are talking about a comic book called The Ferret today, before that, where can people find more from you, Brian? Well I co-host a podcast called Marvel by the Month, which you can find on all of the podcasting platforms. And basically we do exactly what it sounds like. We have been going through all of Marvel Comics history from August 1961, one month at a time. It seemed like a real fun idea when we started.

We're now like 275 episodes into it. We're stuck in 1976 and God, someone help me. I can't do this. Are any of them worse than the ferret? Yes. Oh yeah. Oh yes. Absolutely.

Okay. Yeah. I was just on the show. We read the Fantastic Four issue where Impossible Man shows up, who's like a plastic man Mitchell Putlick. And he just does goofs, but like real fourth wall breaking goofs. Like, hi, I'm the Inker from KZAR. And you're like, what the fuck am I reading? And then Stan Lee will come in and say, oh, hey, here's a wacky reference to something

nobody alive remembers. So this is revenge, Brian. Yeah, no, I had it coming. Yeah, I did, for the record, I did give you a heads up of like, we're going to be talking about Roy Thomas's idea of a funny comic book. And then you did try to delete my number, but yeah, I know where you live. So, you know. It was a mistake to ever invite you over. Yep. Just punishment all around.

It's just a punishment month. Punishment, welcome to punishment month, everybody. Welcome to punishment month. And it continues now. Sean, what do you want to plug? Oh, 1-900-HOTDOG, the exciting comedy website. We do daily articles like the Golden Age of the Internet, featuring world-class comedy writers!

The truth sounds less sincere every day you do it, but thank you. As for me, I would love to plug my new book. But I just checked the mail and it looks like I don't have a strongly worded letter from my publisher's lawyers telling me I have to. Oh, it's too bad. It's too bad. I am actually really proud of it. I'm excited to talk about it someday, but come on lawyers, like get on it. We're leaving money on the table here. Until I get that letter.

Let's get to... The Ferret. The Ferret was a spinoff from one of Malibu's flagship titles called The Protectors. Are you familiar with The Protectors? Yeah. So is this the team that Malibu had where they basically just picked up a bunch of public domain Golden Age superhero characters and then sort of like updated them for the 90s? Yeah.

And yeah, just kind of threw them all together with predictable results. Yeah, yes. That's a good way to describe it. That's the Malibu move, by the way, is just barely not prosecutable crimes against other comic book companies, like specifically. They're kind of, they're doing the, they're doing the me. They're doing the like, really just, I'm gonna see how close I can get to getting sued

and then back away. It was, the Protectors was a very surprising Malibu success, especially to Malibu. They planned it for six issues and it had 20 issues and ran for two years, which is huge for them, amazing. Of course it was just barely not IP theft. Like they waited until Centaur Publications, was an old comic book publisher,

and their stuff went public domain and they snapped them up. Malibu just snapped it up. Like second it's free, they're like mine, mine on mine. And then the writer was R.A. Jones. He said like, I wanna take these guys and make them 90s, which of course means making them much worse. You just add some rollerblades, some pouches, you're done. Almost 100% correct.

Yeah, some masks that you're not quite sure how they stay on their faces. There were some pouches. They changed the Phantom to Gravestone, which is an extremely 90s thing to do. I kind of love that. I think that's kind of awesome. Less awesome was they gender swapped the masked Marvel, which is fine, but they changed the

name to Night Mask. That one sucks. Yeah, it sucks a lot. I would have gone with Thongpenny. I mean, Tidied Marvel is right there. T tidied Marvel is right there, Matt. Tidied Marvel's really good. Yeah, I would, if I was crime, I would quiver at the sound of tidied Marvel.

But not for the reasons that you would hope. Yeah, you quiver first. Yeah. I like those two examples in particular because they changed the Phantom because they would obviously be sued by the owners of the actual phantom and they changed Masked Marvel to not piss off Marvel.

But like aside from that, they left everybody basically the same. So they just like tweaked the like literally the sewable parts. And if I'm not mistaken, those characters are just like people in masks that carry guns. Yes. Yeah.

Like I feel like you could come, you could get there on your own. Like if someone said, we need a character with a gun. You're like, God, I'm out of ideas. Wait a second. No, you need the proud history and franchise of the masked Marvel to be able to pull this off.

Of course. You need the people that by its very nature, this being public domain means nobody has given a shit about it for 70 years. And you're like, that's what we need. We need that. And the handful of people who might care are going to be so upset that you are 90sizing them that they're guaranteed to hate this thing. That's the Marvel promise. Guaranteed to hate whatever we're about to do. The plot of The Protectors was sort of the Watchmen

with like a little hint of the Watchmen. I bet it was way better than the Watchmen though. Probably better. They were even doing the barely tweaked IP theft thing. Like Alan Moore did that too with the original Watchmen. He was going to use the Mighty Crusaders before DC was like, no, we wanna use those guys, we can't have them raping quite so much. Jesus. I mean that's literally what that message said, I'm sure. It's hard to argue with that note. You're not gonna push back on that too hard.

Yeah, but guess who didn't argue with that note? That's right, it's Malibu. Malibu was like, fuck yeah, let's ruin these guys Let's just let's bring them all up put them right in the dirt bring dig them up put them right back there The plot of the protectors was was you know, it's superheroes existed for a while until a disaster Then the public turned against them now. They're still sort of around their pariahs called back into action when like some shady shit goes on It's literally just the Watchmen. Mm-men. Every part of it was a ripoff. The ferret was a character in the Protectors and he was, they changed him to be their Wolverine ripoff. Every imprint had to have one. Everybody had a Wolverine. What's a good Wolverine ripoff? What's your favorite Wolverine

ripoff? Does the Badger count as a Wolverine ripoff? 100%. The Mike Baron character? Yeah. I'd say, except I did revisit those things. So his backstory is that he's a Vietnam vet. And there's a whole lot more anti-Asian sentiment coming out of his mouth than I remembered

when I was reading it in the late 80s. So maybe I'm gonna take that one back. That can still be your favorite ripoff. You're not endorsing, you're not saying it's good. Right, how about Wolverine's kid, who's now Wolverine? Oh yeah, she's just Wolverine now. Yeah. She's actually pretty good, those comics are good.

Those are great. I like The Ferret, The Ferret's my favorite Wolverine ripoff. Not- Easily. Quality wise, but I love, it's hard, like The Badger kinda makes me laugh when you're like, oh, okay, that's a Wolverine rip off. Nothing makes me laugh like the ferret.

Rob Liefeldt did a lot. He had a wild side, he had knife time. He had a blade thongs. He had- Knife time's a new one on me. Is that really one? He had blood fingers. No, I made up, I made up. I made up all the new one on me. Is that really one? He had blood fingers. No, I made up all the ones after Wild Side.

Okay. What? Knife time is too whimsical for Rob Liefeld. It took me a minute. I'm so mad that you got to knife time before I did because now I can't trademark it. Knife time is wonderful. Yeah, I would not credit Rob Liefeld

with making me laugh genuinely. I picture knife time being played by William the refrigerator Perry and him loudly announcing what time it is every time he smashes through a brick wall. He's got knife hands, but he's this massive size. So he's just Kool-Aid manning it, but he arrives with knives instead of Kool-Aid. Yeah, guess what time it is everybody?

Did you kids ask for a knife? Yeah! So the the surprising thing to me in researching this was that the ferret was one of those original like 1930s characters. He was he was the ferret. He was not a Wolverine ripoff though. He dressed in a blue spandex suit with red underwear on the outside. He had a yellow cape and he had a furry ferret mask complete with cute little ears. Oh, he had the little rounded ears. I wouldn't have touched that. I would have been like, keep every fucking element

of this character. Every element of that. Like I would have rubbed those ears. As a criminal, I would have been like, I will stop crime if I can rub your little ears, sir. To be clear, his redesign, he's got like long blonde hair. Yeah. Just a stupid little like one third of a night wing mask. And then he's Aquaman with like a pervert element.

Like he's got thigh high vinyl boots on and like clod like vinyl gloves. Really sells tough guy to me. on and like clod like vinyl gloves. Really sells tough guy to me. Yeah, I couldn't figure out if he's got like thigh high boots on or if he's wearing somehow a green body stocking over his entire body. And then he's just put like a orange wrestling singlet on top.

Oh, I guess. Yeah, it's like optical illusion. Yeah, that could be. I mean, you're gonna sweat your balls off in this thing. Yeah. And then he's got first draft Wolverine like triangles on him to sort of like tiger stripes. Yeah, he's sort of got like the he's got like from the head up. He's sort of like the cool 90s Aquaman.

And from the head down, if the neck down, he's like the lame pre 90s Aquaman. Yes. He's like stage two when you're sketching Wolverine like before you've started to fill it out. Right. So it's amazing. They went for a Wolverine knockoff and they accidentally made an Aquaman knockoff.

I can't think of a sadder thing. Just on paper. That's it. You put that up against the Holocaust and you're like, ooh, which is sadder? Oh. The original ferret, the original ferret, I can understand why they needed to bring that guy back.

He had, as the comic book says, all the skills of a ferret. Okay. That's not nothing. And I think that's absolutely nothing. It's not the powers. It's not the powers of a ferret. I feel like if you had a tube, you're like,

well, how are we going to get through this tube? That's when the ferret says, oh, excuse me, guys. I have all the powers of a ferret. So is he just like constantly getting adopted by goth girls or what? Again, not the powers, the skills. Oh, I see. OK.

The skills of a ferret. He can't like slink like a ferret. He can just like, you know how a ferret likes to eat things? He likes a kind of very squirrel-like, comes around in his hands. He could do that. He can get his musk all over nerd hands. Is that a skill or an ability?

Yes, but he would have to produce his own musk because he does not have the power to produce a ferret musk. I don't think this guy is gonna to have any problem producing musk. Yeah, this guy's probably... That's the read I get from him from this issue. Yeah, with that little helmet. The whole idea was that he would ferret out criminals. That's why they came up.

He would say, I'm here to ferret out criminals. It's adorable. It is either ferret. It's so fucking cute. He did have superpowers though. He could fly, he had super human strength and he was bulletproof. But then he had all of that and the skills of a ferret. You gotta balance it out.

You can't have a guy who can fly at super strength, but also the skills of a human. It's like, no, no, no, that's too tough. Give him a weakness. Fine, he's got the bumbling paws of a ferret. He has the emotional maturity of a ferret is what he has. And talking of getting sued by other comic book companies, like you can't just make him strong and fly

because DC was suing anyone at that point who was making strong flying guys. But if you add that third layer of all the skills of a ferret, well, there, that's a completely legally dissimilar character yeah they're not gonna say superman also has all the skills of a ferret no it's embarrassing it's an embarrassing thing to say i think you've cracked it no one would admit in court that superman has the skills of a ferret that's it's fucking airtight legal protection

that's why they did it it was it was genius. That's why they snapped up on those rights, baby. So R.A. Jones and Malibu turned the new ferret into Wolverine Swap, heightened speed and strength, like not Superman level. He's just like a good fighter and he has a healing factor. They even give him just the like mutant healing factor. I found a Malibu Comics wiki, it describes his origin story as, Cal Denton discovered after he turned 18, that he had superhuman abilities. (*laughing*)

Went all out on all of these ideas. He assumed it was just a genetic aberration and began fighting crime. All right. So he's like, oh, must be fucked up in the jeans. Let's fight some crime. I mean, it's not exactly seeing your parents get murdered in front of you, but I guess it's an origin.

I feel like if you said, hey, what are your guys' ideas for the ferret in like a brainstorming meeting in the nineties and someone like took a deep breath and opened their mouth, I'd say, stop, I already know what you're gonna say. And then this is what I would say you're about to say. Bitten by mystical ferrets, of course. Of course, of course, yes.

Bitten by a wizard's pet ferret. You're gonna say just Wolverine, I already know. The rest of that, what he didn't know was that he had been given his abilities on purpose, possibly by the government. Okay, that's better. Well, that's Wolverine. That is exactly Wolverine. It's exactly Wolverine.

It's Wolverine mixed with a little bit of maybe we don't actually know. Maybe it's not that. Maybe if we're forced to testify in court, we can say we don't know. They didn't say what government. This could be the ferret government. Oh, the government of the ferrets. That's it. There's a weapon weapon ferret X program down there Oh, that would be so goddamn cute as long as it's not the Canadian government. You're in the clear

They got the little set with the little with the little like X shaped like prisoner holding device I won't be so adorable little little Xavier ferret You know helmet a little like virtual reality helmet thing. It on. Cerebro, Ferret Cerebro. Oh no, you're doing Weapon X. I'm thinking, I'm doing later Wolverine when he's joined the Ferret X-Men. Oh, okay. No, I'm thinking like the actual Ferret Weapon X, little helmet to put on your Ferret. You're doing issue 205.

It would of course have to have a cutout for the little round ears to come out. It would be so cute. Let's get into the first issue of the Ferret solo title. He was popular enough to earn a solo title from the Protectors. And the whole cover of this issue is just a terribly drawn close-up of his grimacing head. And they had the audacity to die cut the whole issue in the shape of his stupid head for no reason.

Well, let me tell you, so I used to work in a comic book shop and there is nothing a comic shop loves more than when you make your comic book a weird fucked up size or shape. Because they're like, oh, awesome. What a great opportunity to have to rethink our entire fucking display shelf. Uh, like, I mean, I can tell you what happened to 90% of these issues is that they just, like, slid behind an issue of Fantastic Four because they're smaller than a regular comic book and they weren't discovered for months, so. But when they were, holy shit, this is the ferret! Yeah, it must have blown minds.

I found my new favorite character and his head is shaped like this. I can't wait to see how they use the shape of his head inventively in the comic book. It is really funny. It's like when you see someone's profile picture and they don't take a lot of pictures of themselves, so they have to crop out somebody at a wedding. That's what they chose to be, the cover of his own comic. And then every page is in in this really weird shape. And like they don't use it. Then it doesn't it doesn't like they don't play with the layout or anything. So you're just like every time you turn the page, you're like, wait, why is this weird?

Oh, right. It's his big, stupid head. Yeah. Every single moment reading this comic book. Yeah, sometimes sometimes they'll do like a full bleed. So like the background, you know, fills the entire space. But a lot of times it's just, they just put a bunch of panels in the middle of the space and there's so much blank space, like they're just completely not using. Yeah. So it's like there's, it was a dumb gimmick that no one involved in the creation of this

put any serious thought into, which is kind of exactly what I hoped for from a 90s comic. That's the Malibu way, baby. Yep. I don't think this art is like as lazy as Rob Liefeld, but it kind of has that vibe of like shortcuts being taken. We're like, you know, it'd be easier to draw this guy if we just put a sort of half a dumpster in front of most of him, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's not, you're right, it's not Liefeld lazy, but it's lazy. It is. Noticeably lazy. Yeah, this, they were not inspired for this.

Like you can tell when they found something that's going to be difficult. You're like, oh, he must not like to draw a leg in that position because then there's just like, there's just like a statue in front of it. You're like, that's weird. That's breaking the frame like that. So it starts with him holding a minority, let's be honest, a minority by the throat over the edge of a building talking about how he hates parasites. Not a great start. But a bold stance to take.

I mean, a lot of people don't remember just how popular parasites were in the early 90s. For this character, I mean, that shows you how controversial and how little of a fuck this guy gives that he's willing to just come out and say on page one that he hates parasites more than any other kind of animal person. I lost the metaphor. I do feel like we should read this. He says, this is the very first line of the comic, I've always felt that man is a lot like the animals he shares the planet with. Some are predators, some are prey, some are just parasites.

So right off the bat, you're like, oh, this is going to suck. Asshole. Yeah. This is a guy with some borderline problematic opinions. Maybe he just doesn't know how to write so badly that he's coming across as racist. Like that happens sometimes. Yeah, it's like really self-indulgent writing, but also like poorly hiding his racism, I guess we'll call it that. It's a choice to be like these fucking parasites

and he's holding a minority by the throat over the edge of a building. You're like, yeah, okay, Frank Miller, I get it. I get what we're doing. Like late era Frank Miller. Oh yeah, yeah. No, there's a proud tradition of this in comics. I don't think Frank Miller would ever be like,

you know, man's a lot like animals. You see, they got cats. He's not as big of a nerd. Cats are like the white people because they can't dance. But the ethnics are like the white people because they can't dance. And but the ethnics are like ferrets. What a spot on Frank Miller. Like I swore he was on the podcast.

I thought it was pretty good. We just watched Sin City. Sin City gave himself the best Frank Miller line ever. He's like, ask yourself if that bitch of a slut whore is worth dying. You're like, OK, Frank, I'm glad they let you. Take it down a notch. Glad they let you have that line. You wrote that for yourself. You're like, this is the one I want. Yeah. Robert Rodriguez is like, hey, you want a speaking role in this?

He's like, oh, yeah, absolutely. I know exactly the line. He said, Frank, I already know what you're going to say. I have the priest costume ready. So he's holding the guy by the throats and the guy apparently murdered a Korean shopkeeper. And he's- Which the way that comes across, it's sort of like listening to my dad related anecdote

where he just like describes the race of everyone involved like for no apparent reason. Mm-hmm. Yeah, not like racist, but like racial. He takes note of it. Yes. He's counting the non whites when he goes into a place, not your dad. I'm just saying that this this type of attitude. Yeah, yeah. Men of a certain generation. Maybe though

now, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that is to soften the fact that it does start out with ferret holding a minority by the throat over the ledge of a building. Yeah. It's like, yeah, okay, so he, yeah, he's a minority, but also he just murdered another minority. So who's the real monster here? Oh, the Ferret. It's still the Ferret. Yeah, it's the Ferret. Yeah. So the guy is saying, I'm not scared, right? Because I know that you, protectors, took a vow not to kill. You're not allowed to kill anybody no matter what. He's so mad about this.

He thinks he's so mad about it. He thinks, yeah, the media made damn sure to spread that bit of info around. He didn't want people knowing he didn't murder people. God damn liberal media telling people I don't murder. Yeah, this is definitely a guy who does his own research. To which he tells the guy, we're only three floors up. A fall from here won't kill you. You'll just wish it had.

It can kill you for sure. Yeah, they could kill. For absolutely, like right onto concrete, definitely, definitely can kill you. I like that he's willing to gamble with that because if he does drop him and then he just dies from it, you're like, oh, well, I guess this comic book is over. I guess I'm off of the team.

I think if you murder a Korean shopkeeper, I don't care if someone throws you off the building and you die, I think that's fine. Plus he like admits it. He like, I consider this to be due process. He has told the guy holding him by the neck, ha ha, I did the murder. What are you gonna do about it?

I feel like your death is deserved at that point. I'm not offended at like the potential death in a comic book. Sure. Like that's not, I'm saying that Ferret is not like, this is your scene setting issue one. When you're saying this guy's a fucking dipshit. This guy has the moral high ground, but for the wrong reasons.

Just through pure accident, he is in a situation where he has the moral high ground. Take morals out of it completely. He's an idiot. If he drops the guy, he's gonna die and then he's gonna be like, oh, fuck. I thought that was not gonna kill him. I'm really fucking fucked after this.

I'm really, like, my whole team is fucked? Like, we're doing a Watchmen thing. So all superheroes are fucked. Cause we're like on an uneasy ground. He's sort of saying, I'm fine torturing people. I'm fine maiming people. I don't give a shit. I just have a line I don't cross with Mütter. At which point, like, I don't think throwing someone

off a building is a very ferret thing to do. Like maybe like cutting off their fingers one by one with your ferret claws is more, I don't know. I'm just brainstorming ferret-y thing to do. Like maybe like cutting off their fingers one by one with your ferret claws is more... I don't know. I'm just brainstorming ferret torture ideas. But he does throw him off that building. Yeah. We're sitting here talking about IF and no he does just throw the guy off the building. He was just waiting for a dramatic moment. He's just waiting for a set up line.

And he's as the guy hits he says, I can hear bones break. Only a few. My enhanced senses pick up the sound of his heartbeat his breathing I know he'll live The piss in his pants I indulge in it to a fair it's a beautiful smell. Let me describe it Yeah, that's fully in line with the rest of this comic. I He's a he's a very scent heavy man He's a very stent heavy man. The panel after he drops the guy into the dumpster, I'm not even sure what anatomy they're going for there.

I think- Oh yeah. He's got like, he's built like a spider all of a sudden. Like his shoulders are on backwards. Yeah, it's not a great drawing, but he has dodging bullets while he leaps. I wouldn't say dodging, I guess they just really, really at point-blank range.

And one of the bullets is saying, BYEOW! And as he breaks these people's wrists, he says, To me, normals almost seem to move in slow motion. I knew how this confrontation would end before it began. Unfortunately for them, they still need to be convinced. This is like somebody who's had Frank Miller described to them by like a Mormon priest. I don't know how to explain it. It's so gentle, but like he thinks he's talking all noir and tough.

It's definitely he's trying to do Sam Spade. Well, like it's about gently convincing someone. Like they think they need convincing. Well, I can be very convincing. I'm the convincer. I drive the convinced van with my convinced hands. This one got away from me, I'm sorry. Humans are a lot like animals.

Let me start from the beginning. You got your ferrets. And because he's a cool guy, as soon as he puts the guys down, he sits down on an air conditioner and lights himself up a cigarette and just smokes it in front of him. Well, they're just whimpering.

Yeah, it turns out to be a major part of his character, the fact that he smokes. And he's fucking cool to do it. Yeah, in a better comic, that would be a really funny running joke. But in this comic, it's just there's no irony to it. He's just cool because he smokes. Yeah, later they actually reference this and how like they must burn like four panels on

it. I guess we'll get to it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like this is very clear that R.A. Jones was one of those guys who's like looked around the country at this point and seen more and more people doing like non-smoking and he's like, fuck you, smoking's cool. It's always gonna be.

So the next scene takes place in a hospital where a coma patient has lain for over seven years, they said. I love the intro for this scene too where the first caption says, our tax dollars at work, and then it describes, it says no sign marks this building for what it is a small private hospital. It's like, well, make up your mind. Is it our tax dollars at work? Or is it a private? Right past me. Right. Stupid. That's literally the next line is that it is not our tax dollars at work. This guy's such a like conservative coded like sadist

like our our tax dollars at work. Like guy's such a like conservative coded like sadist like our our tax dollars at work like well they're housing a supervillain should what do you suggest? What would you suggest? Yeah I guess. Well Sean I would suggest if you don't want to get attacked by a supervillain you should hire yourself private security to protect yourself against supervillain, you should hire yourself private security to protect yourself against supervillains. And if your house catches on fire, you should have your own private fire company. Womp womp. Oh, my house is on fire. I don't think society should have to pay for your bad decisions to get yourself targeted by a supervillain. That's all I'm saying. I'm convinced. Donald Trump, 2028.

Based on the year that this is, based on the Ferret's whole vibe, the things that he talks about, I think he's modeled almost exactly after Dennis Leary. Yes. Yeah, no, you're right. I actually was gonna say that when we got to the cigarette smoking scene,

but it's like, this guy just like, listen, he picked up Dennis Leary's No Cure for Cancer album, listened to it like eight times in a row. He's like, this is it, I've got it Cure for Cancer album. Listen to it like eight times in a row. He's like, this is it, I've got it. This is my guy. Everything about that guy, that like grumpy, he's grumpy in our government.

It's gonna, it feels like he's gonna turn conservative at any point. Yeah. Like that's my guy. He likes to park in handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces. We're in this private hospital and everybody's a shithead in a comic.

So the attendant and the nurse are flirting while ignoring their patient. And the guy, the attendant, whose name is, I believe, Tad? Yeah, he's Tad. Tad, which is how you name a rich shithead, like, come on, second pass. Uh, says like, oh, come on, baby. This guy isn't going to wake up.

I worked here in the ward for nearly a year. The big ugly goof hasn't so much as blink. And then they look over and find out that his IV bag is empty. And he's like, oh, don't worry about it. There's nothing in there with nutrients anyway. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Such a great thing to say. It's just keeping him alive. It's only a great thing to say. It's just keeping him alive. It's only nutrients, baby. Don't worry. He is so clearly like a space villain. Like he's got like, he man shit on. He's like a full reptile. It's just weird to say ugly guy

and not the lizard super villain. They keep him in the dark. Like the panels have him in shadow the whole time. So you're not supposed to know that. And then Tad's talking about him look at this fucking vegetable like he's not gonna tell anybody we forgot to change his bag and then they reveal who it is and he's in his full superhero costume he's got the robot belt he's got golden armor on in the hospital he's got a full backpack of like cybernetic shit. Not to mention the fact that his skin is green and scaly.

Yeah, and then he's a lizard man, of course. He's a lizard man. Like the ones controlling our government, which I'm sure the writer of this comic also believes in. But Tad is surprised by this, because when he gets up, Tad thinks, oh God, his face. He's been working there for a year, but he'd never actually looked at it. He might be on the spectrum a little bit.

Maybe eye contact is not something he's comfortable with. Yeah, he's a, I thought that was a big He-Man figure. I didn't know what the fuck this, I didn't know that was a guy. Like in the art, you can clearly see that both his, that the blanket ends at his chest, so his face is uncovered, and that his arms are outside of it

with armored gauntlets on them. So like, Ted knows what's up with this guy. Ted just said, I've been on this ward for a year with this guy, I've never noticed that he's a cybernetic fish man. He's got a Nintendo 64 controller for a belt buckle. I thought that was pretty sweet. Yeah, it's absolutely what that is. He has an Atari Jaguar for a backpack.

So the Fishman wakes up and immediately says, I must find Ferret, to which Tad is just like, I don't know what that means. And so the Fishman kills him, of course, such as the life and death of Tad. So at this point, I assume the fishman is the hero of the story and Ferret is the villain. It kind of seems like that. I certainly like the fishman a lot more right now. Yeah, he's already triumphed over some adversity.

I mean, he's been in a coma for years and, you know, he's he's getting back to his feet. He's he's the fighting underdog. And he's he's murdered the most dislikable character in the entire book as soon as we meet him. So suddenly searing pain rips through his skull, like lightning through the spring sky. Just, Oh, a haiku. So close leaving dim memories in its wake. That's real.

I didn't make that up. That last part sounds like I'm just riffing, but no, no, that's the rest of the haiku. The art I love for this, because it's his face growing, like several images of his face in succession, growing increasingly hurt. And then the last one, I guess to like sell some sort of vibe of the pain,

they like smear and make all the lower part of his face run, but it looks like he's just overcome with drool. Like, they take the teeth, so they make the teeth run, like out of his mouth, but it looks, it's all like one color, so it's just saliva. He's just like, he's just really hungry for them hamburgers, for them fishburgers, of course. It's like for one fleeting moment,

they're just like, let's just do art. Write a haiku for the caption, I'll like paint in a dissolve on the bottom half of his face, it's gonna fucking change the world. The whole comic's gonna be shaped like a head. They got Jim Starlin to consult for 20% of one page in this issue and that's what it is. It's the repeated heads and then the melting face

and that weird little haiku and that's it. So he flashes back to when the last order he was given, which was in 1985, to kill the ferret. And that's what he's out to do. He blasts through the hospital wall. See, this shocked me, because when he woke up, he's like, hey, where's the ferret? So to find out this guy was told to kill the ferret

is like, holy shit, this changes everything. Yeah, we needed that flashback. The next page, we needed that flashback. The next page, we're outside a nightclub and it says, before there was art, before there was literature, there was music. People seem to need it almost as much as they do food. And I need it more than most.

So I'm hungry for music is what he's saying. It'd be like if you went to the most self-indulgent idiot and said, say the stupidest shit you can about music. This is like a leading, this is the gold medal winner, I think. And then they show us his lyrics that mean so much to him, more than food. And he's singing,

welcome to my inner gloom, electric visions filled the room. He's just sitting at home watching a movie. He's like, oh, I got it. This is, this is my lyrics. Yeah, he's a real warrior poet. He goes on to say, it's a precious schizophrenia. As ferret, I moved through darkness.

This is actually the moment when I think you and I certainly realized, oh my God, the Ferret's secret identity is a rock star. That's the most embarrassing fucking thing I could have come up with. I don't get it. You don't think this is cool? You don't think this writing is cool? You don't think this idea is cool? He's got Fringe on his vest in 1995. I feel like you can't get cooler than this. He's one of those guys that's just railing against grunge.

Like, real rock and roll will never die. Real rock and roll is about style. Let me tell you about music. Before there was art, before there was food, in the era before karate even, there was music. And I need it more. I need it more than most people. Like some people like food. I'm a guy that likes food a lot. I'm a fatty. I'm a big fatty for music. Yeah, that's a good way to put it.

Am I right that he doesn't have a band name, right? Like he just performs under his own name? It's Cal Denton. Cal Denton is his secret identity. Yep. That's a choice, I guess. But we're supposed to be excited that tonight Cal Denton is appearing live in person. Oh my god, be Cal Denton.

There are 12 people in the crowd? In these little dinner theater tables. Yeah. See, I thought that was kind of funny but appropriate that like he thinks he's a rock star when really he's in the, he's like playing for drinks at a dive bar. He crashed like open mic night. Yeah. That's kind of funny. But no, I have read the rest of this comic and he does appearances on like late night

with David Letterman and shit. Okay. So he's supposed to be a mega star. And what really happened is that he did not want to draw a room full of people. Yeah. Okay. So he's supposed to be a megastar. And what really happened is that he did not want to draw a room full of people. Yeah, okay, I get it. Okay, so we just have to suspend our disbelief. Right. Yeah. So like, the biggest megastar in the world is playing at this bar, there are 12 people in. And there are two people in line, because we do see outside. So soon there will be 14. So soon there will be 14. If it gets to 20, he starts to get a piece of the door. But we're never gonna draw 20 people, are we?

No, we're not. Never gonna get that door. As ferret, I move through darkness while the stage lets me bathe in the light. And wherever you find a light, you'll find moths who are drawn to it. This fucking metaphor has been dragged to death across five states. He's looking at a sexy lady because she's his moth.

Yep, there she is. My sexy moth. Holy shit, is she really like a moth character? No, but wouldn't that be great? I would take everything back if she was actually called like Killer Moth or Moon Moth or whatever the fuck. God lucky you don't have to take a single thing back because she's not. Mothpanty. She's young, she's beautiful, she's sexy and her eyes never leave me, Cal Denton. I have just seen a fellow animal. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr So he goes over to meet with her and this is where he starts spinning his game and most

of his game is he finds a flyer for an anti-smoking place, like an anti-smoking flyer, and he crumples it up and rage in front of her and says, this is from some anti-smoking outfit. They think public figures like me send the wrong message to kids when we light up. He's playing for 12 people in a dive bar and he says to the woman, yeah, public figures like me, we get a lot of smoking pamphlets. This anti-smoking pamphlet was addressed to me.

Cowl's gent. Yeah, and then the lady says, uh, you don't feel any obligation to set a good example for children. He says, not particularly. That's what parents are for. Besides any kid who'd be stupid enough to choose me as a role model probably deserves to be cleaned out of the gene pool and he's punctuates it by lightening a cigarette. Yeah.

And just look at him right in the eye while he says it. Yeah. Cause he's so proud of that ass. Yeah, and just look at him right in the eye while he says it. Yeah, because he's such a badass. Yeah, and she says, what about yourself? Don't you worry that it could kill you? And he says, this is his catchphrase. Hey, everybody dies, sweetheart, but only a few of us ever really live. So he's a brave heart and a Dennis Leary

with a little bit of eugenics. Also, like, I'm not convinced that he didn't have his buddy set this whole thing up because like his someone comes up to his table like right after he sits down with the flyer. So excuse me, Cal, I hate to interrupt, but I thought you'd want to know they left another flyer in your dressing room. I hate to interrupt you, but you needed to see this anti-smoking. You need to see this immediately right now.

This is urgent. This pamphlet for penile reductions. They said your penis is too big for their penile reduction machine. Was this like, you know, Hey, okay, buddy, after the show, I'm going to invite myself over to just some hot chicks table. Uh, and, and when we sit down, I need you to come up to the table with this flyer, uh, that I printed up. And so I can light up a cigarette

and just show her that I don't play by anyone's rules. And if she doesn't love that, she's not the one for me. She's not the right one. Because she does love that. She says, she tells him her name, and her name is Catherine Blue, but her close friends call her Midnight. Which is, my God, that he found the most,

a person as embarrassing as him, like right off. This must be, like truly this is love. There's like a pickup artist vibe I get from this because there's a panel, like a little inset panel but between transitions where his hand is touching hers and there's like a closeup of it as if like someone read that in a book of how to like bag chicks in a bar. Yeah, touch her hand. She loves it. He says, midnight blue, huh? I like that. Sounds mysterious. Mysterious is sexy.

What a panty dropper. Is that what that means? Do people like mystery? If this is a pickup artist book, it's like, it's deeply remedial. This is like you failed out of the pickup artist course. Yeah. I've hidden 11 Legos around this bar. Assemble them to get the next piece of the puzzle. You know, we didn't have the word incel in 1993. So if you wanted to describe a person like this, you'd have to say, dude's a total Cal Denton. He's a ferret. to say, dude's a total cow dented.

He's a ferret. Yeah, but a man's a ferret. That's what I would describe him as. He's not an all the way tad, but he's definitely a ferret. Like if you were a woman back then and your girlfriend said to you, oh, that guy's a ferret, don't bother. You wouldn't question that. You'd be like, I understand completely.

Yeah, you'd say, call me midnight because we're friends now oh you're also a ferret okay I understand so she says I'll bet you say that sort of thing to all the women and he says whatever I say to a woman I mean that's a three out of ten I think he's improving. They cut to the line outside, which again, is three people including the bouncer. Right. And outside is the fish man, whose name is Toxin. And Toxin is just throwing those three people around. He knows none of them are fair.

And he's just like, ah, I hate all these people. And this is really terrifying because Cal Denton cannot afford to lose two or three fans So I was really concerned And he cannot defeat a full Drax the Destroyer in he-man armor He is it just Drax the Destroyer like if you read comics in the 70s or 80s this they just drew Drax the Destroyer Not the movie version. No, they gave some gave him some scales and that was about it. Yeah He explodes through the wall, taking out a waiter.

They show us a waiter who has just been destroyed by this man. Oh, we're skipping past my favorite thing. The date on the poster doesn't register with him, only the name. He remembers someone telling him, find Caldenton and you'll find the ferret, which I love because that takes longer than saying,

hey, Toxin, the ferret's name is Caldentin. Yeah, remember that pointless flashback that we had right after he woke up? Yeah. They could have just put in there, your mission is to kill the ferret, his name is Caldentin. Here's his set list, oh, you're gonna hate it.

No, you're not getting it, it's the Bruce Wayne thing, how Bruce Wayne is friends with Batman. Oh, I see in this universe Cal Denton is obviously the only person friends with the ferret It's like neither one and and that's mutual. That's that's mutual. They share 80% of his will face and haircut Only people who can stand each other. They're both smoking they go on smoke breaks together That's how they met so he immediately just forgets totally about his whole He's not like oh my god. I have to get out of here and change

He's like I'll handle this and he leaps up on a table to bar brawl with the giant lizard man as his rock-and-roll persona Yep, right. He thinks I'd better pull my punch just a little though. I don't want to take this poor loons head off This is a fucking obvious space commander. Like, hit this guy as hard as you want, man. Well, his very next thought after that is, stupid, stupid, stupid. As he is thrown into his own drum set. We can only see the CA, but I think that drum sets count.

Yes. And now it's it's Midnight Blues turn to leap into action. It turns out she's also a superhero and she thinks like I am leap into action, but my weapons are out in the van nothing to do but improvise so she hits him with a bar stool and it doesn't even bother him. He barely notices. He smacks her across the room instantly and she's totally unconscious. They do like a sitcom beat here where he turns and looks at her and she thinks, Blue, you are in deep trouble. And then he like backhands her across the bar.

Even without your weapon. So without your weapons, you're one blow from this guy. You're just totally unconscious. So not much of a superhero. Right. Well, maybe they're really good weapons. Maybe she's got knife gloves. Oh, that's a good name for her. If you're this fragile, you must know that. So you must have known like, this is not me hitting this guy with my non superhero strength is not going to do anything at all. I think this might be their first fist fight, but they sort of figured out because Cal realizes

that this guy is as strong as him. And so he gets the idea of not getting hit, of like moving around and like trying to hit the guy. But- Such a smart idea. Yeah, it's pretty good. I never heard of anything like that. Well, first he does take a minute

to go change into his ferret costume. That's true. Then he comes back to find the girl he was hitting on has been beaten, has been beaten completely unconscious and possibly killed while he was changing into his costume. Well, have you ever tried to pull on a full body body suit? It takes a lot of talking about.

Yes, many times it is. And every time I'm done, someone has died. I love the idea that he disappeared and like through the magic of comic books, it looks like no time has passed because it's the next panel. But really he could have been just whampinping on that lady for like eight straight minutes while the ferret was back there just wiggling into the spandex. Oh, it's so funny because this has to be

the worst case scenario. It's like, okay, I left him alone with that girl I was hitting on. Maybe I have time to change. I should change. And then to come out and see her dead and be like, God, I figured something like this would happen if I left you at H. McGraw's. Of course, the one woman who's into me, God, had to happen. So he tackles toxin out of the bar window, which was not, I should say, it was street level.

We could see it from the outside. They showed us the line of people and everything. It is now, I wanna say, four stories in the air as they fly through the window and they land in front of a car and that car like veers to miss them and hits a fire hydrant or whatever. They have their fist fight where he finally realizes

as he's soaking wet and embarrassed and just getting knocked on his ass, the ferret thinks, there's no denying he's strong, probably stronger than me. So I have to fight him with my brain as well as my fist. And what he does is redirects the fire hydrant spray at him. That counts. That counts as smart.

It's a brilliant tactical move. I don't have any notes on that. What he does is, he puts his thumb over the end of a hose. Yep. It's like, yeah, like a genius might like a genius might. And plus, since he's just been bathed in the spray of the water, like all of his powers have rejuvenated. Oh, no, wait, that's Aquaman.

Oh, shit, you're right. That's Aquaman. I'm sorry. I got confused again. If anything, it would be Toxin, who looks like either a lizard or a fish man. So I would not spray that guy with water. I would be like, oh, the water's gonna power him up for sure. It doesn't, it takes him straight out. He hates water.

So he thinks like, well, maybe, you know what? This time I'm gonna try dodging. And so he tries a couple of dodges. He likes that, that goes pretty well for him. This is why he's a master fighter. But it does not work very well for very long. He gets shoulder tackled into a brick wall and basically taken out completely. Yeah.

It's not a great performance overall. I would say he talks about how he's a master warrior and his viciousness can't be matched for almost every panel where you're watching that viciousness be matched and him not being a master warrior. Yeah, I mean, I think the caveat there is that really only applies when he's dangling minorities over the edge of a roof. Um, but when he's, you know, in a fight with a alien fish lizard man, not so much. There's a panel here where he's saying it makes no difference to me. I've taken down bigger men than this before, bigger.

There's a panel here where he's saying, it makes no difference to me. I've taken down bigger men than this before, bigger. But the artist is showing him being punched straight in the face, blood flying out and his arms like bending the wrong direction. Yeah. So he's trying to like stick and move. And so this guy who's a much better fighter than him is still punching him right in the face. And then decides like, you know what, maybe I should just take this

fight to the ground and it's over before it even gets there. And then he opens his mouth and I think the artist was trying to draw like a little thing coming out of his mouth, but instead he drew like a circle and forgot to erase the teeth and the tongue underneath it. So he's sort of just like eating a wedding ring. It looks like he's about to barf up a quasar or something.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But that's not at all what happens, because what happens is like a alien xenomorph spear thing comes out of his mouth. Yeah. He's got a scorpion get over here, but in his throat. Right. And he tongue fucks the ferret's heart with it. Uh-huh. That's what he does.

It's very sexual. And I'm not kidding. It seems to be drawn like this is somebody's sex thing. It will only get more sexual as the comics go on. And ironically, Tongue Fuck My Heart is one of Cal Denton's biggest songs. See now I like him again. Now I'm back on board. Tongue Fuck My Heart, give it a stock.

That's how he gets those moths. He calls that one a real moth drawer. Do you? I don't think that's gonna catch on, people calling ladies moths. Yeah. And so the ferret, after he gets tongue-fucked in the heart, says, what have you done? And Toxin says, don't you know, bug? Can't you feel it? I've killed you. And then the last panel is the ferret just grimacing in pain and bleeding from the heart and it says to be Continued but what if it didn't well, I would be the perfect one issue runoff. I'd be so happy. Yep It would be a real real consequences of hubris type situation. It's like he launched a comic shaped like his own head And winds up dead at the end of it

He flew too close to the sun and his wings melted. Just said the end instead of to be continued. This would be maybe my favorite comic book ever made. Yeah, easily. I do like the way that Toxin is running away also. It's like he's got sort of like a tee hee hee vibe to him. It's got a real toddler trot. Yeah, he's just like scampering away.

What ultimately happened to the ferret? You must be wondering, I'm so intrigued by this character, this deep character. I want to know his whole arc. What does he get in the end? And I can tell you the very end of the character. It happens in issue 20, which is the last issue of The Protector's. God, they got 20? They got 20. It was like the flagship. That was protectors. God, they got 20? They got 20. It was like the flagship. That was a runaway success like they had not seen

because most Malibu series get about three and then they're canceled. So get maybe six if you're lucky and then they're canceled. Not as many series, they are firmly canceled. But this issue 20 of the protectors and issue 20 of the protectors, the whole issue opens by telling readers that Even though the Protectors are bolstered by the ex-mutants and other super normals, they are greatly outnumbered. Yet they valiantly battle on, for they know if they should fall, all of the earth could die.

And then it throws to the issue title and the issue title is worlds without end Very dramatic opening very dramatic opening And so just to sum it up real quick They're in a battle to save the world from being torn apart by these portals Opened by their most dangerous villains whose name are mr. Monday and the great question Everybody hates Mondays and questions. Yep. I was going to say, yeah, Garfield's worst nemesis.

Both of them. Yeah. Yeah. Put them together. They are, they're John and a Garfield comic. Face me, John Arbuckle. He has questions on a Monday. So this is the like, we've set this up,

the whole earth could die, getting torn apart by portals, worlds without end. The last few panels of the comic book, I'm just gonna give you the vibe of those. I have a question, what do the portals do? Is there things coming out of the portals? They seem to just be like gravitational, like they're pulling.

Oh, okay. So it's like pulling the world apart. And in fact, the question that's like, I think they might be to other worlds, but that's how they beat the great question is he opens too many portals and all of the portals, he says, all the portals want me, like everybody wants him.

And so he's pulled apart by the portals. Before there was art, before there was food, before there was even music, there was portals. And some women just drawn to him, drawn to him, we call them moths. Moths to, like moths to a portal, that old saying. Moths to a portal, that's the saying. That old saw.

That old motley crew song. So the last few panels of The Protectors goes like this. Somebody normal tells The Protectors, unless one of you has a miracle up his sleeve, we're looking at the end of the world. And then the next panel, one of The Protectors says, we can't just give up. There's got to be something we can do.

And then the next panel, Amazing Man, who was like their Superman, says, none of us has that kind of power. It's over. We gave it our best shot and we failed. In the next panel, the planet explodes. Awesome. No.

Yes. No. That's the end. That's how that series ended. That's how Ferret died is they all gave up and then the earth exploded. Wow. God, that's incredible.

All they needed is one magician. Like, oh, we got to pull a miracle out of our sleeve. He's like, how about the four of diamonds? And then the last panel would just be the earth cheering that they were saved. They've literally done this in multiple other titles. I think it was the Exiles was one of the ones I covered where they just killed everybody

and then they wrote an apology. We're like, we're sorry. If we got canceled, we didn't know what else to do. We know this sucks. Because I know Marvel winds up buying Malibu. Yes This was when Marvel this is why okay canceled So they just they just killed off all the characters and blew up the universes and that was that yep They were just like well and and not in a heroic way

They just all said well, we can't do it and then the next panel was the planet explored bad at our job Sorry, everybody. Mr. Monday and Dr. Cranky win again! Yeah, they lost. No fair it lost. He fucked up and he died. So the ending editorial, this is from Thomas Sterenek, the artist. Hey, guys. Well, if you're reading this, you probably realize this is the final issue of The Protectors. It's been one hell of a ride, wouldn't you say? Who knows?

Maybe there's a chance that the end of the series isn't as final as it seems. It is comics after all. And if they can bring back the great granddaddy of all superheroes, why not us? And what does that mean? Who's he talking about? Cause the death of Superman happened

right around then, right? Oh, I gotcha, gotcha. So if he can come back, why not us? I could tell you why not. It's, you know, Superman, very popular, has made billions of dollars for its owners over the years. The Protectors, you know, they're in a similar business. I have $35,000 worth of Ferret merchandise. I mean, I did my part.

I own every every novelty Cal Denton CD. He actually released all of his CDs. I have Midnight Blue and her battle van, her weapon where she keeps her weapons. Not pictured. Offscreen, of course. Yes. I think the funniest thing about all that too is I believe the reason that Marvel bought them is because they wanted

Access to their coloring like their digital coloring Malibu was the first digital coloring in comics Yeah, because they did not bring back the protectors. No, they was like a flagship and they were like, no I don't want any of your garbage. We don't want this It's just amazing like we just blew up all these superhero universes because Marvel wanted our coloring technology. Because we're bad at our jobs. Another reason why you can immediately guess why not us, why not bring back us, an editor from Malibu wrote as the final editorial, to be optimistic will always have heroes. When one dies, they can be replaced by another. Last summer Malibu launched... I'm sorry I said that wrong. Last summer Malibu lunched the Ultraverse. He spelled it wrong and he called it lunching. It has taken off like a rocket. So as Ferret might say, everybody dies. And now you can finish it with me. It's how graceful you die that's important he got the catchphrase wrong as the final word

that's yep there's nothing better amazing amazing I want them to explore this character and like sort of a wreck at Ralph like Chippendales type thing where we see him and he like knows who he is and what they did to him and how they killed his world so that Because someone liked the way somebody colored And specifically that they got his catchphrase wrong as the last words that were ever said about his universe somebody came in and said I have the final words. It's not your catchphrase. You'd be like mother You're like, Mother! Rockstar Faireyhead Rockstar Faireyhead Rockstar Faireyhead Rockstar Faireyhead The Historic Hot Dog Club here in beautiful, connected New York.

Welcome to the stage our own in-house in-self comic, Jimmy Jiggles. Oh hey, thank you, thank you. Don't applaud too hard, you ain't heard by SetJet! Hey, I see a lot of Supremes out there in the crowd today! Aaron Crustin! Adrian H! I see Alex Nolenberg here! Hey Alex, I hope you get hit by a speedboat like a manatee!

Oh! Alpha Scientist Java! Unandy Armando Nava! Autumn Armstrong Berg, you look like a volunteer editor for WikiFeed. Oh! Bim Talzer, Brandon Garlock, Brian Saylor, oh I see somebody here named Brockway famously loves the meat milly. Well I happen to know the guy and guess what?

He does. Burrito! know the guy and guess what he does burrito sarah cheddar wolf you smell like palm oil and old breast milk oh common sense Craig Lemoine Dan B David shill I heard your AI girlfriend cheated on you it's not supposed to be possible science is studying it Oh ohhhhhhh! Dean Costello, Delta Foxtrot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's Rad Title,

Elizabeth Shope, some people get a bench dedicated to them when they die. You're gonna get the corner chair in a Motel 6, oh, double up, oh, oh! Elliot Watson, Eric Christianberg, Fancy Shark, Jell-o-ho! Hey, good Satan and his hot witches, you know the way that paste the dentist used to polish your teeth tastes? No, of course you don't! Oh!

Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Penguini, A.S.C. Honk over here, honk honk! Jaber Alleydon, James Boyd. Hey James Boyd, I hope you dry drown in a corn silo. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child of oh. Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, Jared Ruiz, it's the Jared's oh, Jeff O'Rasky. John Dean, I bet all the microplastics in your balls is gonna turn your babies into spiders. Spider, oh!

John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Joshettes, Joshua Greaves, A. Justin B. You seem like the kind of guy who's had multiple pets die because of his unmedicated ADHD. Uh, uh, uh, oh, sorry that one got stuck. Ken Paisley, KNM, Kamoutsis, KVH, I heard you got banned from Bumble and not even for a good pervert reason. You just made people too sad. Hold on, let me load the O-Gun. Alright now let me cock it.

Alright pull. Oh. Alright, pull. O! O! O! Missed all three times. Lane Haygood, Lisa, M. Jahee Chappelle,

Hey Mark Mahoney, You seem like the fourth guy to die trying to rescue a dog from a septic tank. Tragic O! Matt Riley, Max Baroy, Moju! Hey, you guys like politics? I hear the best comedy's political these days. Let's try some. A mercenary sissetman, Jeff Bezos called. He wants his personality back. O! Michael Lehr, Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, ND, I see Neil Bailey here, I see Neil Schaeffer here, I see Necco 104 here, we got Nick Levino, hey Nick Levino, Elon Musk called, he wants his weird torso back, tors- ohhh, obsolete, Henri Weevil, we got Ozzy Olin, double oh, we got Patrick

Herbst, Peewees Uncle, I hope your spouse leaves you for a Republican, ohlin, double O! We got Patrick Herbst. Peewee's uncle, I hope your spouse leaves you for a Republican. Oh! Rebrandrew, I hope you get the kind of concussion that turns you Republican. Oh! You and Peewee's uncle's wife deserve each other and I hope you're very happy. Oh! Alright, alright, that's enough politics. We have fun.

Oh! Hey, Rhiannon, hey, Russell Bauman, hey, Sam's enough politics, we have fun. Oh, hey Rhiannon, hey Russell Bauman, hey Sam Copenick, I recognize this guy, he's the 204th frame in that scene from Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blasted out the airlock. That's a deep cut, but look it up, it's also an- OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hey, Seed's passport lists their sex as too brief for all the heartache it's caused over the years. We got Space Champ in here! OOOH! Spotty reception!

Super not! Tater's Tales! Hey, Tater's Tales, you smell like the sock you find stuck to a teenager's wall when you move the bed. Oh, you're just in there, you're looking for drugs or something, cause you don't understand the sudden distance between you and the child who used to love you and BAM! Krusty old Tater's Tales. Oh!

Hey, it's Ted H. Thomas Cavazzo, Stmy Leahy, Toasty Gad, Tommy G, Velo, hey I see Victor Melovenkin here, you look like you lost a fight to a puff adder who was, itself, already dying of cholesterol poisoning, oh, hey Booster, hey, you got the anti-venom, no you don't, hey Waylon Russell, hey you gonna call somebody, no you aren anti-venom? No, you don't. Hey Waylon Russell. Hey, you gonna call somebody? No, you aren't. Oh, never mind though cuz Yvonne Clapham's here. She can just It's my time. Thanks everyone. You've been great. Not you Zack and Ava. All right. All right. Don't forget to tip your waitresses We all know Gareth ain't gonna do it. Oh is we all know gareth ain't gonna do it oh but no seriously you gotta you gotta tip a man though you gotta tip them the law says you can pay them below minimum

wage if it's a tip position it's fucked up capitalism is fucked oh