The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 238, Expository Theme Songs with Zak Koonce

Episode Date: July 30, 2025

Look, we're all just having fun here right? Well STOP. It's time to get serious. You have two choices. Are you an ape fucker or a duck fucker? Take your tim-TIME'S UP. You've made your choice, the traveler has come. Zak Koonce and the rest of the DOGGZZONE are here to reveal your fate, you sad, sad zoophile. Shame. Also, BUY ROBERT BROCKWAY'S NEW BOOK, "I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200" by Robert Brockway, a Rappin' Robert joint, featuring the written word of Robert Brockway. Hardcover: https://www.amazon.com/Will-Kill-Your-Imaginary-Friend/dp/B0DKB68X6F NON-Amazon: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-will-kill-your-imaginary-friend-for-200-robert-brockway/1146656963

1,900 hot dog 1,900, hot dog Out podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on, you know the number

1,900 1,900 Hot Dog 1190,000, 100 hot dog 900 1,900 hot dog 190 hot dog Yeah, 9,000

Welcome to the dog zone 9,000 the official podcast of 1,900 hotdog.com Go to our Patreon It's the last place where humans write. Subscribe and get daily articles, bonus podcasts, Discord movie events, more, Patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. I'm not doing a good job of selling it,

but it's the best and I love it. I love it. I'm TV Sean Maper from the internet, and my partner played Jeff's second place on the unreleased VHS Boys Boys, Boys Unleashed, No Nudity Tagalog edition. He's the great Robert Brockway! Okay, but there was some nudity. Like, it was not officially sanctioned, but there's definitely, there's some salami hanging in that one. That's all I'll say about that. I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. Technically, I am the savior of babes, but no follow-up questions. We'll get to it, I think. We'll answer that soon. Our guest is the composer and performer of our theme song.

He is armed with kick and punch with special weapon grab. He's all not, Zach Coons. I'd be spam and grab, too. That's just, you'll forget kick and punch even exist. You're such a dick, corner trapping with the grab. I'm happy to be back. Being on this podcast is the favorite part, my favorite part of the day. So there's a lot of days we're not on it and they're terrible.

Shit. We should have you on more often. I didn't know it like that. Yeah, that makes us responsible for all of the terrible things that have happened to you since the last time you were on. And I'm really strong. I accept it fully. In a while. Let's do,

let's do plugs. Yeah. You could always find us, our charming stuff at YouTube slash A-U-R-A-L-N-A-U-T-S. We are still somehow avoided becoming swept up in the alt-right pipeline that YouTube is quickly becoming. We're maintaining the whole, the wholesomeness line. How are you monetizing? Clickbait shit.

The last video we posted was very much like a super woke, you know, rage bait thing called the bad guys won at its Optimus Prime, just having to be told why humans suck. It's because they put Megatron in charge and he just doesn't get it. It was a lot of good response. We got a lot of good engagement. I'm just going to call it engagement. That's a flat, neutral, you know.

just now understanding that was like an allegory for our current political situation. Yeah. Some people just assume everything we do is you're either like saying horrible, awful shit about people or you're woke. That's what YouTube is now. And so you know, fuck it. Might as well just go in. So this millie vanilla, the new milly vanilla one, that's, I'm guessing woke. Probably woke. Yeah. I mean, they are not white. So, metaphor for ice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not white equals political. Four for ice. Yeah, exactly.

Because they're always blaming out on the rain. Yeah. And what is rain other than melted ice? That is, uh, that is, uh, my partner Craven's, uh, side channel. This guy is always, he's like a sound designer. He's always got, since I've known him, he's just been into like funny sound gags and bits and this channel.

He's got probably 10 channels where he does things like this. And this is his most recent and probably most successful one. He's having a lot of fun over there. We got our podcast going on still. You guys have been on it quite frequently. We got our buddy Dirk on there. Pretty much your whole writing staff has been on there. I'm just cherry picking from you guys at this point.

It's our sister show. We're the last people doing it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. We just talk about all the movies that you guys won't talk about, you know? So it's, I specialize in future past movies, movies that take place in the future, but that future has now come and gone. I was on for the big hit. which really broke the theme of that whole thing.

We tried. We tried to do Free Jack, and it just sucked. Yeah, we didn't want to watch Free Jack. Yeah, I did watch it. I was like, I don't want you to have to watch Free Jack. And I think you were quoting the Bokene Woodbine character who just jerked off the whole movie. Yeah, his quote is straight Jack and it saves you that bad cream. And that everybody knows the quote.

You didn't need to say it. I didn't. No way. I ruined it by saying it. I would have made him say it. Yeah. I, yeah, somehow Free Jack led to that over a long enough timeline. And then eventually Sean was like, we should just watch the big hit and do a podcast on that.

I'm so glad we did it too. Way, way, way, do you want to plug something? Oh, hell yeah. Oh, I'm excited for this one. It's not even want. I need to. This might be it. Oh, it's been it.

To be perfectly clear, I have a book coming out. It's coming out January 20th, 206. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. I'm done fucking around. I'm sorry I ever fucked around. like legally if you're listening it was I was just playing

I was just playing I was just having some fun I'm just a naughty little scamp like you can't So you got a letter You don't sue Legally speaking I can't say that

I can't say if I got a letter Got you I did actually say I got a letter I shouldn't have said that I shouldn't have said that either Like look it's a good book It's a go buy the book Go read the book

You love me you love me You want me around Right With all his fingers Listen Listen Even if you answered No I don't want you around

I want you to think about this Do I seem like the kind of guy Who goes down alone I'm not threatening anybody I'm just do I seem Do I give you the vibe Of a guy that doesn't take everything around me with him Dude you're straight cabin in the woods in it

That's All right. I'm happy to be part of this arc. I've been listening to the first half of the arc. I'm glad I get to be part of the sniveling, apologetic tour. Just think about it. Just think about it. Everybody?

Click that buy button and think about it. Love it. You're saving me too, it sounds like. I'm saving. If you, you at home are saving us. You're saving the whole, you're saving the whole thing. the whole business by buying my book. Yeah, Sean, your name is on a lot of his paperwork, I imagine, so.

It's true. Yeah. I'm in the book. You're in the discovery process. I think he kills me several times. It's like the who's coming with me, only I'm not asking. You're all coming with me. It's a journey.

That's a good plug. That's one of our top 10 plugs, I would say. Absolutely. On the podcast. Today we're doing an expository thing. theme song off, like the good old days. Each of us brought an expository movie theme song from the three pillars of expository movie theme songs, those of rad, stupid, and sexy.

And these songs will go head to head to head in their category in a high-stakes game of music and film plot explanation. It's simple. If you need more explanation than that, fuck you to hell with you. I'm very sleepy. I'm sorry for saying that. To this song. We really should have an expository movie thing.

Why haven't we done that? I agree. I'll get right on it. We got our guy. Wrote it right now. Zach, get going on it. Send us an invoice when you're done. I think we should start with RAD.

Does everyone agree? Absolutely. That's a good start. Yeah. Okay. Who wants to start with the RAD category? So I think just in terms of like cascading nuttiness, I should probably go first on this one. Because I make the classic mistake that I have.

always make. I mean, obviously, I don't have the home team advantage. It's rigged against me, and I've lost several times now on this podcast. But I usually lose because this is a competition of silliness to see which silly song is the silliest. And while I do fancy myself quite the silly one, I also just love music and I can't help myself. And sometimes I just have to pick a song that fucking rules and needs to be heard. And I picked one of the living from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdown. From Mad Max. Yeah. I'm surprised that you're, I guess

it's all of the defeats that you have internalized. Oh, yeah. So that you're just like a broken man now, assuming that you're just like, I'm just here for the love of music. Yeah. Can't we all just like take a minute to appreciate the art? You're a hit dog just wandering in already flinching. But listen, I think you have this. You have my vote for this round. This is a really good one. Yeah, this is a really good one.

You have my vote for this round, but not my respect, if I have to clarify. Because I, yeah, because I flinched. That's fucking, I don't want to. No, no, no. But I just realized that all three of us just pitched things and all three of us apologized for having to pitch the thing. I just realized that's, that's, that's. Should we just start over?

Take it from the top. Just a real, let's come that, hot dog. Low confidence podcast. all right I love this song you picked Zach it's the best song I feel confident

coming into this one because of my choices in life leading up to this moment I think that's one of the living I think that's I think that's valid

because this this is kind of an unfair pick it's like it's like that strategy and I don't know magic or whatever card games whatever strategy

where like you come in with a deck or a play or something that everybody knows is going to win but everybody kind of has just agreed not to use it

because it's bad sport. Like, that's what this is. Your video, this video, the video for this song contains the greasy sax man from the lost boys. Like, that's an instant way. It's unfair. And this is a, I think this was the, the genesis of Tim Capello. He's, there's a beautiful shot.

This is taking place in like Philadelphia abandoned penitentiary or something like that. It's a, it's a creepy set. It's an abandoned jail. And there's a circular. room where halfway through it they spin around it and there's archways and each one it reveals Tina's band and in the final one

is just the fucking violent hip thrusting, the violent greasy hip thrusting of Tim Capello just drenched in his own love juice. This could have easily have been in the sexy category. I kind of was like holding back a little bit by making it rad but

yeah he was her touring saxophone player for a big part of the 80s. So slippery. Popperade out. Impossible. Every grab. And like you want to grapple him.

Like just looking at him. It's not going to happen. Yeah. You want to try. Everyone wants to try. They want to test their, you know. Yeah. It's like that it's like the, if you see a warning somewhere, you know that somebody

tried to do that thing. Like he's greased up because of things that have happened when he shows up thrusting on that saxophone. Like, yeah. Yeah. People grab me. I got to grease. And every time someone fails to grapple him, they, he just.

adds more grease. Yeah, you got to re-lub it. You got to re-lub your saxman. That's just common knowledge. And I found myself saying to myself, I'm going to grab that greasy man just over and over. And my wife came in and said, why did you say 70 times in a row?

I'm going to grab that greasy man. Did you know I was doing it, sweetheart? I just kept hitting the computer with my fingers. Like, oh, fuck. Are we doing clips here? Should we listen to some of this? Oh, I do. I have a clip.

Yeah, yeah. Let's hit it. Give people a taste. You're a bulletin fire Don't want to fight But sometimes you got to You're a song Soul Survivor

And there's just one thing You've got to know You've got 10,000 miles To know Because you're one of the living And if you can't Stick together Oh, well you're one of a living

Who's going to make it tonight? Yeah, you got this. You don't get to feel good about it. Dude, I was pumping my fist the whole time. She encapsulates the vibe of living in the waistline. She was so excited to be in this movie. She was like, I also have two songs. Like, I don't know what you guys got planned, but let me just sing it for you right now.

It's the best. She has to like, the only time. she can even take a breath as during the chorus. The whole song is like, Jesus Christ, Tina. Yeah, she's got that full, you know,

that anti-entity, you know, projecting through every line too. Just shoot bullets of fire. You know, just everything she says has got so much more weight to it. It's my,

one of my favorite things, especially that we don't really do anymore is when like the artist for the music video takes some sets from like the actual movie. or whatever and they stitch the footage together like yeah i'm in this movie like i'm in top gun or whatever and then they just show like tom cruise looking like he looks at them for a second but she actually is in the movie and she still does that yeah like she's like by the way there's more shots

of me and yeah in this film she's like there's shots of her from the movie like looking at her in the video like instead of tom cruise looking over it's her looking over and she's like yeah i acknowledge me you're like what it's madness i would love it it's so good. There's a lot of moments in this video I like where it's just like a deep secondary character from the movie, just in a black room, just sort of staring off like they're taking their senior picture or something. Just for like 20 long seconds, you get to look at this.

Like, is that the guy that like, he takes their weapons at the front door? Yeah. I think that's one of the pig tenders. Yeah. Yeah, it's a pig killer. That's the rank or keeper. There's a, there's a funny through line in Mad Max with saxophones. I don't know if you remember the original Mad Max.

you know, pre-apocalypse. It opens up. He's just hanging out in his house and it's an establishing shot outside and you hear a saxophone and you're like, oh, this is just like, this is the soundtrack and then it goes inside and his wife is just fucking playing the saxophone, like seducing him. I don't know what is going on, but then in Thunderdome, Tina Turner has a saxophone man in her loft, you know, where she oversees the town. And then we got Tim Capello in here.

So I don't know what it is with Mad Max and saxophones, but this fucking delivers. Like, I, it completes the circle. And there's a hidden one in Road Warrior. You got to, it's like a, where's well? You got to find that one. Yeah, you will not be happy with the, with the... It's right on the front of a car.

It lights on fire. You didn't see that guy? The flaming saxophone, man, yeah. The lyrics to this song are fucking nuts, too. Like, one of the, one of the first lyrics is, no, you can't stop the pain of your children crying out in your head. Oh, they always said that the living would envy the dead.

And then fucking bitch and saxophone and you're like, what? That's the craziest shit I've ever heard. She's talking about the full weight

of the mental anguish of living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. And then wet saxophone. And then wet saxophone around. Wet a saxophone in town. I'm going to go next. I picked

You're the Hunter from the future. It was a 1983 movie. Did you guys ever see this movie? Yeah, I've seen yours. I did not remember the song. I did not remember. Remember the song. Okay.

Let me, just in case someone hasn't seen it. The movie is completely awesome. It's 1983. They made it in Turkey by Italians.

And it's starring Reb Brown, who is the first Captain America. The one with the visible penis and transparent frisbee shield. That was his theme. And this, he's like a Tarzan,

but halfway to the movie, they decided, no, let's do Star Wars. And they totally missed the hit Krull. So it's like a Tarzan Kroll with dinosaurs. The first dinosaur he meets, It happens during the opening theme song, so I saw it recently, and it's a half triceratops, half stegasaurus.

Yeah, it's a crossbreed. He just walks up and beats it to death with an axe. Like, there's no clever, like, moves that he does or special gadgets. He just bashes it in the head with a little axe until it dies. Anyway, I love it. The song is by two Italian guys. They call themselves all over onions. And I think they specialize.

My favorite Dickens character. That is the most dandy. bullshit I've ever heard of Adorable, yes They did a ton of theme songs for movies Including a bunch for Bud Spencer We all know him as Detective Extra Large Did they do?

Did they do? Extra Large? They did not do I don't think so Neither one Which would have been awesome The one with all the guns As a music instrument

Oh I would love that episode That's the one with the gun soundtrack right Yes That's incredible Their saxophone guy was gone They're like shit I got a handgun Gun solo there's nothing like your hunter from the future the whole song is about how much your kicks

ass but by someone who's never seen the movie of course and it's all in broken English like way more broken than you'd expect from 1983 Italy where they had to have known someone that could fix this anyway I love it so much I'm going to play a clip ancient blessed Your sir There is a man From future A man of mystery

Your sir A man of mystery A man from future It's a weird fucking vibe It's like It's like a divo Meets Queen

Which I should I should like more than I do Because I don't like it that much But I should It's ridiculous Just picture, like, the most barren, boring landscape to look at, and just the dopiest blonde white guy, just kind of happy-go-lucky strolling around with a smile on his face. There's so much B-footage of him just walking to the song. And, like, at one point, he's way in the distance, but he just trips and they leave it in.

Like, the song is just like a three out of ten walker. The song is going like, yours world, he's the man, and he just eats shit. And they're like, I'm not acknowledging that in the lyrics. Sometimes he eats shit. And it happens. I got to, I want to challenge some of the lyrics here. Because I know you transcribe these, right? You listened and just broke down.

I'm glad to my best. He's the savior of babes. He's the savior of babes. I'm 80% sure he's the savior of babes. Okay, I'll take 80% because I listen to it. I like, I like squinted, you know, when you're like, are listening, but you squint still. I was like, he's got a second clip. Let's see if we can figure out what he's saying here.

Let's do it. He's fine. He's going to make old that white bitch to tame tonight He is fine He is fine He's going to make them And your small is him

I distinctly heard He's going to make them white peeps tame tonight So I heard he's going to make them white bitches tame tonight Oh, God. I said he's going to make them white bitches complain tonight. And I was, that's why I listened to it so many times. So there's no way they're saying that. Right.

It's not outside the realm of possibility. They don't seem to know what a lot of these words mean. It's also weird to stop and just say, he is fine. I'm right out of things to say about him without watching the movie, which I'm not going to do. You look at him, you're like, he's objectively handsome, but you're like, you kind of see why no one remembers the original Captain America or you're He's kind of got that thing where you're like, you're not quite movie star, handsome. But you're here.

I know he loves a show. I guess we'll just do what we can. And you can't walk great. Yeah. B minus Walker. He's got the fire burning. He's bury his mind. He dreams from wild and strong.

He never frayed or go wrong. That's, I like this line. This is like actually kind of shade. He never takes his chance. He knows the dangers just to. from just a glance. Yeah. He takes it easy.

He knows the risks. He's a safe guy. Like, he's not going to jump in when he's going to die. Don't be silly. He's going to know right away whether or not he could beat that dinosaur of death with his little axe.

Yeah, he'll take the triceratops. He's not going after the T-Rex. There's a B-roll of him just looking at T-Rex and being like shaking his head. No. Not today, buddy. Yeah. Yeah.

He'll take a wobbly half-breed of plant eaters. But, all right, that's a, That's your. It sounds like I've already lost the Tina Turner, and that's fine. That's fine. I still have to go, too, Willick. This is demoralizing when you know you've lost and you still have to be like, I'm going to talk about how my song is cool.

No, my son sucks. I should have had more confidence. I've got fucking stupid. I can't believe you got to go first. All right, I brought scary, scary movies from the 1991 horror movie popcorn. Go ahead and play a clip. Everything is a movie to me. Yeah, well, let's make the next one.

Harmony, okay? Would you hold me? His corpse has come to life. Skips, a frantic maniac attacking with a bloody nap. Signs, he's got a blade that's two feet long. Piers is through his lovely wife. He bids the bitch so long. I love it.

Scary movies on the seal of a screen. Elyons are maniacs. Tarantulas and briniacs. You know the kind I mean. I still have a little time to kill. Two-fid buzzing jamesawls, massacred the press. Sleepwalk and open cough and corpses of bloody face. Blood-sucking insects hanging from her roll.

Gotta read a tin on the shock gold scopes. The second those drums came in, I knew exactly what to expect. You, it's comforting that you're like, I know this man's exact flow from the second the song starts to like, I know what, I know what he's about to do. Yeah, asthma attack. Yeah. It says it's performed by Ossie D and Steve. with a litany of people that wrote it. It's people's cousins and folks from the movie.

Like, it's nobody. I was fascinated. I'm always fascinated by who writes the rap song in a movie because it's always awful news, you know. But this, these guys are a reggae band, I think. Who have like EPs going on silver. They weren't a rap band. I knew that. Yeah, but I think they're just a straight up reggae band.

And it's like, that's all I could find about. It's just somebody that knew somebody. Like it's, they were like, we need somebody to do the end song or any of you musicians. And they said, no, do you know musicians? Somebody said yes. And they'll say, we'll take them. Yeah. They're a reggae band.

That's like rap. Yeah. That's close enough, right? And this was. We don't want to say why, but it's probably close to rap. This was 191. I bet they said why. This, so there's a part in the song where like female backup vocals come in.

And they're like, scary, scary movies. And at that point it sounds like a fucking Rick and Morty parody song. It's like the Rick dance. I think it's like it's this is where they got it from. I think so. It's like it's such an apex of like the type of song that it is from the type of movie. It's just a laundry list of things like not even from the movie. It's just stuff that might be scary.

Yeah. And then he ends the last line of the song is scary, scary, scary movies making me all tense. Love those scary, scary, scary movies. They are just the best. This is after. So this is a, I like this song, too, because it's like one minute of, like, lyrics. And then it's just three minutes of absolute bullshitting. Like, there's just sound bites for movies and the guy, and the guy will react to them.

He's like, oh, yeah. Oh, that's scary. It's just, uh, it's just an adorable rap about liking horror movies. It's exactly what like a 12 year old nerd would do at a talent show and be mercilessly mocked for the rest of his life. The one Fangoria kid who showed up and tried to like, like, bridge the game. app socially. Yeah, like you knew that kid. Like, oh, he used to be friends with the metal kids. Not anymore. Not anymore.

I am doing a deaf jam poem about Fangoria. He sliced the bitch so long. Can I, can I at least say I'm so glad I put my throwaway one in this category? Because I was, nothing was beating wet sacks.

Wet sacks in the apocalypse. Like, wet apocalypse here, have this one. Yeah. I do, I do. I do, I always appreciate that songs like this exist, though. And it's always horror movies. What is it with these 90s horror movies and terrible rap songs? I know it's too late, but I want them to stop it.

Stop doing this. The platonic ideal of that to me. Like, nothing is as ridiculous as that song to me. It's great. It makes me happen. I don't know what blood-sucking insects hanging from a rope looks like, but I appreciate that they tried to make me imagine it. Do you think he meant like a spider?

He had to meant spider. A rope is pretty. It was 1991. It's so hard to look stuff up. It's true. What do you call the things that come out of spider butts? Rope, right? I'm not crazy, right?

It's rope. Yeah, they shoot straight ropes. And they make their little like trepies. They make like a trapeas that they live in. Yeah, rope trapeas. Yeah, put it in zombies from a masquerade. That masquerades are where zombies come from, right? I'm pretty sure I remember them being at a masquerade sometimes.

Yeah. I also like that Brainiacs is one of the scary things. Are you just talking about, like, Literally the villain from Superman or just like smart nerds? Just smart nerds. Yeah, I guess. They're scary. They're scary if they're in cells.

Like a Frankenstein. Who wants to start with sexy? You know, I'll start. I'll start with sexy. Hell yeah. All right. I've brought Mistress of the Apes, the title song from the movie of the same name.

It was in 1979 by J.R. F. Peel and W. Malone. And please just play it. She's a mistress, Fabio! She lived in a jungle called New York City, 20th century, stress and strange. The talk so witty and the light shined pretty, but nothing was enough to stop her pain. Ape mama, ape lover, she's a mistress, I be A. Yeah, ape lover. Buck.

Ape lover. Yes, the passion and the earnestness in this song is so deep that it instantly won me over to a cause I would have said I was against, which is, of course, women having sexual intercourse with apes. So just based on the time that this movie came out, this is some racist shit, right? like this has got to be now now now hold on it's very specifically about apes right like if if if that was the song and then it was it was her going into Harlem or something yeah okay she is from new york city though and she's got you know just regular dudes can't do it for she needs something more and that's always code right for uh it was probably exotic code yeah fine it's not like i'm It's not like I'm saying I'm pro

ape fucking now. It's like how I feel about fur. I don't get it. I think it's like a little goofy, but it's not hurting anybody. And they're here, you know, it's done.

It's over. Unless, I guess if the ape doesn't want to fuck, somebody's going to get real hurt. To be clear, these apes in the movie are like Geico cavemen. So they're like just kind of dumbasses. And when she walks by,

they're just like, like, You know, they're sprung. They like what they see. So they're in. This is consensual. Yeah, this is, this is, this is, this is consensual. And I imagine, uh, if it, if the, if the ape slash powerful caveman, whatever is not

into it, uh, you're going to find out in a big way real early in the process. Like, she's going to be ripped at half. Like they have, they have a way of saying no. Have you seen gorillas in the mist? It's a lot like this, except with more fucking. That's the research. What I like about Robert's picks is he's always trying to just dig up generational pain. He's not going for me.

I started playing this. It was deeply uncomfortable right away. I was like, I don't know what this is about it, but my ancestors are screaming at me right now to hit stop. This is bad. I love that it's an insane premise, but it's handled well. It's musically competent.

The guy has given it everything he's got. And the lyrics, aside from like one or two, are vague and artistic enough. They're like, oh, she left to like avoid the pain of living in the city and it's only really implied that that is healed by having sex with the apes.

I think this is a good way if you were really just advocating for sex with apes. I think this is a really good way to get that message into the mainstream and like, and it's super catching. And we're not taking it literally enough

and she just has like a medically very small vagina. And when they say pain, it's like, okay, she needs like a gorilla penis. Right. Or... Yeah, like she needs. I don't know. I'm just throwing it out there.

I get what you're saying. She medically needs gorilla penis. Like a doctor wrote her. That's what, that's exactly what I'm saying. It wrote her a prescription, and it just said gorilla penis on it. And then the doctor's name signed at the bottom. And she's like, I'm going to take this to the jungle and give it to the apes. So this is just her doctor's prognosis in song form.

We're the assholes when you think about it. The doctor just looked at her and went, ape mother, ape lover. Mother of the AIDS. She got a prescription for a dick. You know what's funny about this song? I didn't grow up with like, you know, I grew up in like a Motown house. So whenever I, whenever those commercials came on, they're like, hits from the 80s, all, it all sounded like this. This is what I just, this sounds just like what white people music was to me.

It's just like, yeah, I think white people probably really like this song. Yeah. I think that's why you're picking up on the racism. Yeah. The song is so white. It is very closed off culturally. Yeah, there's not a lot of entry points here. You're right.

It does. I don't think it entered their head that this could be racist to have a movie about a woman having sex with her. I feel like they did it pure of heart. I'm here to defend the song and I don't think that. Okay.

This was no pureness detected whatsoever. No, I think there was like 80% pureness and 20% of like, people might know what we're talking about. Yeah. Ape fucking. What's the,

problem uh what i like about videos like this this is obscure as shit there were three comments on this video and i wrote them down in their entirety first one i love i love this movie there was understand and a lot of trust in it good job that's an ape fucker that's an ape that was one of the apes uh the next one is so beautiful dot dot dot she that's another The last one is not an horrible film, absolutely banger ending theme song. So that's, uh...

Yeah, it's fucking a whip-ass ending theme song. Yeah, one of your burners. Yeah, those other comments you could do with ape sign language alone. Like those are phonetically transcribed. She! Yeah. So beautiful.

She! Let's see. Zach, you want to do your next sexy? Sure. I went with, uh, the classic Howard the Duck. I watched it recently because I just felt like it. It was on Tubey. And I said, fuck, yeah, Howard the Duck.

This movie, I was upset because everybody just talks about how horrible this movie was. And I got gaslit. I was like, yeah, Howard the Duck's not a great film. This is a fucking awesome film. It's got space ducks. It's got like cosmic horror demons from beyond the veil. And it's got tits. Yeah, it's great.

Ducks got a musical element. Yeah. This is like peak 80s shit. It's like, this is one of those movies that you would pitch today and they would be like, why are you in my office? Yeah, it is impossible. It's ever got made much less today. It would never happen.

We've lost it. It's kind of a last action hero thing where they knew it was a movie and it was like playing on your expectations of what it was going to be and then fucking with you. I don't know. It's just I grew up not liking it, but I think the last time I watched it was like, okay, yeah. It's maybe, I don't know, people say before their time maybe too much. but it was probably just a little before. A little bit. Yeah, it would have had a healthy Deadpool kind of, you know.

They are trying to bring him back in that sort of way. So this movie had a weird thing with ducks. Like when people encountered Howard, there was like one of two reactions. And one of those reactions was just to want to eat him. And I don't. Right. We have ducks. And I don't, my first reaction when I see one is not like delicious.

Like, I can't wait to eat that duck. Like, I just kind of like. Strong disagree. Oh. You just eat wild duck. I just put it in my mouth. I'd take a bite out of a duck. Just full feathered, yeah.

Like a eight mama. So. Full feathered eight mamas. The other reaction was like, sexual. You either wanted to fuck this duck or you wanted to kill it and eat it. So this song went the other way. And he's stuck here. The whole movie is trying to get him back to his home planet, which he was taken from.

And he doesn't make it. He's just got to accept that lives on Earth. And Leah Thompson, his love interest has accepted that as well and these lyrics are all about how much she's accepted it it opens up with a lot of let's play, yeah, let's get people to taste

tell him he ain't coming home the joy of human race they call him out the duck no way to come seal it because I've got this touch I love him apart we call the Howard the duck

If it ain't funky, don't feel it And you shot an arrow straight to my heart Leah Thompson could fuck anything And I would be into it She's just precious That you took some heat off of me By following up my animal fucking song With another animal fucking song

Yes And this is way more More animal I think than the last one This is just a duck Yeah, there's no human link to this This is let's have sex with an actual duck yeah let's get on that corkscrew penis and spin uh-huh and this is the whole song is just celebrating that there's a there's an opening line about how you like to a you know a hypothetical man

who just doesn't have what it takes to compete with this alien duck man um and it's sung by cherry bomb who whip ass yeah and and leah thompson she actually sang this song uh and it was written by Thomas Dolby and George Clinton like that is crazy that is crazy this is like so I mean they're like accomplished musician so in my mind this is kind of like their I don't know

like their dog zone theme song like they're just fucking around did he know it was for the movie or did they just happen to find in his catalog a song about a fuckable duck no he was like okay you want me to write a song for this movie like sure like they probably didn't have to say it was from a movie they probably

Cunts came up to him and we're like, all right, this is going to sound crazy. But we want a song about having sex with a duck. And he's like, yeah, I can do that. And George Clemsbury, like, dig, man, check this out. I just fucked a duck 10 minutes ago. I got it down, maybe. Two of my band members are dressed like ducks. Exactly.

And those aren't the ones I fucked. To be perfectly clear. It's crazy because mine is also about a similar thing. Mine was Mouth Stuff with Cats from the Adaptive. of the Broadway musical cats. No, it's not. Mine is from the 1998 Jean-Claude Van Damme movie Knockoff. This is the second Sui Hark movie with Van Dam.

The first was obviously double team. That one was about an island of dead secret agents stopping terrorists, and then Sean Claude Van Dam teamed up with Dennis Rodman to kill Mickey Rourke. Perfect movie, except it didn't have a sexy theme song. Knockoff does. It is about exploding pants, starring Rock. Schneider and it does have a sexy theme song. It's all about knockoffs like the movie fake designer goods. But I think something happened during the writing process that confused everybody

because it's a sexy love song to a woman who is a knockoff in a world where everything is a knockoff. Like the singer's hand is fake. The guy's singing has fake eyes. I'll say it a clip. It's great. It sucks. You're going to hate it, but it's very sexy. hands sorry that's no hand it's a knockoff just my love head I would look into your eyes then I realized they were knockoffs so close to reel the look the feel so no so no okay this is why you have to watch the movie you have to at least listen when they tell you what the movie's about I hadn't seen knockoff in so long that I did not believe this song was real I thought it was a fan song that was like hey I'm a a fan of obscure Van Dam

Suey Hart movies and I just wrote a funny song about it like here it is it's very meta in a way that a Van Dam movie would not be so I I actually when wants knockoff and I was like there it is shit this is this they really did this this movie's about a about a shadow land populated by uh by mannequins and lies right yeah I got it

got it yeah I got it no it's a James Bond song like about imitation handbags he's like no no I got it imitation man hands like a James Bondong no it's about it's about it's actually about real spin kicks it's about it's about the very real art of spin kicking

and like there's some Rob Schneider at no point would you hear this song and think that Rob Schneider was involved in any way like that is I think that's the I might think Rob Schneider's singing it that's true it's funny you mention meta though because the band they did

they're an American band they're called Sparks and they kind of are a performance artist like fuck around band like they've released an album of just their own weird covers of their own songs And then four years before this They wrote a song called Sui Hark And it was mostly instrumental Yes, and they had Sui Hark come in it

And it does spoken word There's some spoken word lyrics I'll read them to you He says, I'm Sui Hark I'm a film director I've made several films I've won some award for my films My first film was The Butterfly Murders

Shanghai Blues Paking Opera Blues Swordsman Part 1 part 2 Part 3 Once Upon a Time in China Part 1 part two part three part four i swear to god the whole fucking song is like so he thought spoken word

was literally just speaking words yes he's just reading his wikipedia while someone like plays the synthesizer behind him very pretentious very pretentious i like the video i think they're kind of trying to be cute there's no official video so this is a fan edit like the song is real but this edit is like straight fan work and they just ran out of knockoff shit to you so they just start including maximum risk and double team i was like cool i saw a clip i was like i don't think that subway dodge was from wait a minute none of these clips are from knockoff they're a knockoff it couldn't it the movie wasn't rad enough to sustain a whole song the trailer for knockoff is itself a knockoff it's a knockoff oh my god we are trapped in knockoff world it is full of mannequins and

lies you were right all along so close to real yeah that's the kind of music rob schneider would make i don't know it just feels like that it just feels right to say that it's fine too whatever you want to say about rob schneider totally rob schneider that's what you sound like that's what you would sound like if you if that was a thing that you wanted to do Zach have you ever seen that video from the behind the scenes of judge dread where rob Schneider falls down the stairs and lands on his face. That has to be on the soundboard, right? I don't have it on the soundboard.

It is, he comes out and he starts to deliver this line. Like, he thought it was real funny, dread. And then he goes, like, his head like cracks. And everyone just. Is that why he's a Republican bootlicker now? Is that what happened? That's what happened. That's the moment it happened.

You can always trace it back to an abrupt head injury. If we have it on film. when he fucking knocked himself Republican Yeah God damn he got

Fetterman Who do we think is taking sexy I feel like my vote is going towards apes just because I'd slightly rather

have sex with an ape than a duck It is easily The sexiest song Like I will give me the however the duck is more fun

Right The category is sexy Ape mother Ape lover Come on all right you want you're you've convinced me it is uh if it was like true love maybe howard the duck could win because like lea thompson's really taken with him the song is very romantic uh whereas the mistress of apes is all about right i was just picturing the whole time she was like

bent over howard just in the movie this is that's outside of the song that's on me i was just that's just a you thing yeah i was strong yeah i was sprung on uh on lea thompson's panties with good reason sure I think that was the intended effect the filmmakers will be like hey you know that's what we're going for you know that 10 year old boy

that's watching this right now we got his ass who wants to start in the final category of stupid okay I'd like to go last you want to go last Sean you haven't gone first yet

oh okay then I'll go first step up my stupid is a movie called FRO7 and it is it is a fucking disaster the kind where it's weird it doesn't happen more often like after

I tell you this was written directed and produced in 1992 by a Yugoslavian guy named John Arkevsky it's the only thing he ever did in the entertainment industry he has no idea what he was doing it was all based on bedtime stories he made up and seemingly

did not touch up before it became a screenplay so the plot is just all over the place is insane do you do you have copies of it it. I've seen it. Yeah, we watched it. No, no, I mean like the of the plot, though, just like the breakdown. Because I started reading it, my fucking head started spinning right away. I don't remember all of it off the top of my head. It's almost pointless to tell you. I have to tell you the entire plot because it doesn't like chain together. It's just a thing happens, a thing happens. I'll just give you broad strokes. He's a magic James Bond, but also

a prince, a magic ancient prince, uh, who's best friends with the Lochness monster. I think that's enough, right? He's immortal, too. Yeah, yeah, he's also immortal. You're right. Yes, he's also immortal. This is where it's going to start to sound crazy. Ben Kingsley does the voice. It's also got Brian Blessed and Grace Jones. It cost him $18 million, made about 2% of that back in box office. It is just a rich guy who dumped his money in the most self-indulgent project.

Sucks so much shit. The song also sucks. It's by Holly Johnson, who is the vocalist of Frankie Goes to Hollywood. He goes to Hollywood. Yeah. This is like a legit person. That's like the whole movie is like, you keep looking into it. what the fuck is happening?

Wait, this is this fucking Grace Jones? Is this a, how did, how did he do this? How did he do this? This is like the, uh, the Dubai oil princes just having whatever celebrity they want show up. I think this, that's right, right, did this guy was doing that, but he just did throw seven. How do you even say this? Did he put all of that money in himself? I think so.

But like I say, 18 million is, it's a lot of money. But you've got to think Like think how many billioners out there Have all these personality disorders Like why isn't Elon Musk making 50 of these a year Of just like dumb cartoons Of stupid ideas he had We should pitch him a project

I don't want to work with Elon I'm just wondering why we don't live in a world Where Elon is Yeah I wish he was doing this instead I would like Elon Musk If instead of everything that he does He was just making bizarre frog based movies Maybe it's our duty to just take him off the table

and just work up well now we're on a list now we're on a list for sure I like how you put that maybe that is interesting way to put that maybe you're right free Luigi all right

all right I'm going to play a clip from this fucking song again you're not going to like it I'm going to like it Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Beneath the waves and in the air. On the land is everywhere. Just you'll be good. Forget all evil. Red he's watching, so look how people. He's the one who's gonna get things done. F-R-07. He's got the enemy on the road.

On the run F-R-O-7 Yeah You cut it off right before my favorite My favorite lyric Which is he's gonna change your hell Right into heaven F-R-O-7

Like I know that rhymes with seven But that's a bit of an over-promise For a sexy frog Like He's just talking about frog sex, baby We're back to the fucking Anthropic animal sex he definitely fucked in that movie, right?

Yeah, but he fucked a Loch Ness monster. Okay, right. Like, this is not an inter-species, but it's not, like, that's close enough. There's no humans involved. Yeah, it's fine. Ness, mama, lake mama, she fucked the beast from the lake. I'm sure, I'll leave that controversy to the frogs. I'm sure that's racist in Frogland to be like, oh, I see what you mean.

Like, yeah, okay, he's going to have sex with the Loch Ness Monster. Racist. But, like, that's frog racist. We don't need to, we don't need to explore that. We can't speak on that. That's not, yeah. Yeah, it's not my experience. I don't know how to be intersectional with that.

So I know I already like referenced the dog zone theme song, but this song, these are the kind of songs that we mined for the tricks. The terrible 90s shit did. Those like orchestral hits, the rise, the soulful black lady backup vocalist. He was giving it her all for a project that. no one's ever going to hear that's what the that's what the dog's old lady did too she sent us back and i was like oh my god she's incredible you're too good for this that's that's what makes it it's so funny it still makes me laugh every time i hear it because she's just like what are you doing this is way too good for what this is it might be the same lady we might have got the f-r-o-7 lady

yeah i didn't need her i don't know what she looks like um yeah and then you get the frank he goes to hollywood guy he's like I can't tell if he's fucking self-aware. It feels sarcastic. A lot of it feels so sarcastic. It feels really sarcastic, yeah. It feels like he's got his middle finger up the whole time. Or he's like yelling at a dead body or something.

Yeah, he's having to like record this in the guy's pool house or something. He's like, yeah, he just microphone stand his producer's head for getting him in this mess. And he's just singing this song at him now. F-R-O-Safe-H! I might have mentioned this in the podcast before, but I've been haunted my whole life by this Cheerios commercial where they like it was multi multi multi grain Cheerios and the commercial was just like this Wilson Phillips type band in the recording studio that's just putting their entire soul into this fucking Cheerios commercial and they just sort of filmed it like it's a behind the scenes of

this making of and it just felt like why ruined their life like that like these people probably have been dreaming about being singers their whole life they become studio musicians there's nothing wrong with that but now people know their faces like they can never get to that next stage of their career because they're the Cheerios ladies. You just hadn't shown their faces. Just plausible deniability. You can't prove that, wasn't me. Yep. Yeah.

That's, yeah. That's the story behind all of these songs. Well, this one's the exception because this guy was already had a career. But most of these songs are like a band just trying to break through and they're like, this is it. We got the gig that's going to take us to the top. Yeah, there's no way.

We got the maniac cop rap. It's done it. There's no way it's their real name. Like, all of these names who have been reading off, they go to nowhere, to nobody to nothing. There's no way that was the real name of the people that saying, uh, ape mother, ape lover, she's the mistress of the apes. Like, you don't put your real name down on that. You don't sign that.

Monkey's got to fuck her from behind. Yeah, let me put my, let me put my name. My mother gave me on that. That was racist. I took it too far. All right. Uh, Zach. Yeah, speaking of bands that thought they were.

going to take off after they got their big gig. This is lost in time from the WaxWorks 2 soundtrack. I feel like it wouldn't be an episode if I didn't bring something for my boy, Anthony Hickox. He's the director of Hellraiser 3. He also directed the, what do you call it, the Motorhead music video for Hellraiser. He directed this too. There's just a straight up rap song at the end of Waxworks 2 that just plays over the credits.

And like the cast is full-blown, like rap dancing in the background while these, sort of conscious rapper style like militant public enemy wannabes or just like walking around rapping about waxworks too. They got the full 90s treatment. They got the black and white, you know, film stock. They got the ladies dancing with the, the short shorts on in the background. They've got vaguely military dudes standing around in the background, keeping a watch on things. And these guys were like producers.

Like, they have a pretty successful career with, like, you know, L.O. CoolJ. albums and D.J. Poo was in this group. He's, like, the co-writer of Friday. Like, he did stuff. But these guys, Dwayne Muffla, Simon, and Daryl, Big Dad Pierce, I don't think they went much further after this song. Do you have a clip? Big Dead Pierce. I do have a clip. Lost in time. He'll hit it. Big Dad Pierce. matter where you go. No, there you are. Waxing, tax it, oh, wax work, too, wouldn't a heck a young Sarah, too. Something's got a whole of a soul that took control,

and the devil tried to break the blow, but it's a king of the king of the king's the lord of lords, a mid-eve-a-party and a torn and suet. Girls run around on sunset strip, but out came the man, yo, Jack the rip. He was slicing, and dicing, and smashing, and crashing, and crashing, all through the party, slashing heads.

Yo, went up the front. Frankie walked around like the living dead, trying to scoop up, a troop up, a bowl of a bowl of a of a juicy fruit tea tabs over to him off us down Jack the river would never be found A time where we are going through hell He has story to tell

I don't think there's ever been a more Expository He just was going step by step through the film He was explaining the entire thing What I like about this is that He starts off Like that whole first verse

Is all plausible deniability Like it's not about the movie really at all It could be about anything And I thought like okay the production value was high he's got a pretty decent flower and a good voice for like considering the time and the type of work

that this is like it's I mean it's better than it's better than the popcorn wrap like that's what he was up 1991 1992 that's what he was up against like so it's better than that and I thought oh okay if they retain like their plausible deniability they're having like a real career

but then the it slowly becomes more and more about the movie until it's undeniably about the movie until it's like, not only did you see the movie, I think you really liked the movie. I think you got into this. He's good friends with the director. It's so he said Waxworks 2 in that clip by play.

In that clip, he's Waxworks 2. Waxing, Texed, it. I will never regret this. To the movie. Yeah, he fucking owns it. This is a, it's a fun movie. It's like kind of, Wax Works 1 was like a stab,

but it's also kind of fun, but a little bit more of a horror movie. Two is like, let's just fuck around. It's like pulling references from pop culture and obviously Jack the Rippers in it. The dude from Gremlins, Zach Gallagher is like, girlfriend was framed at the end of the first film because they brought a zombie hand home and it killed her dad. They don't believe that a zombie hand killed her dad. So now she's being tried as a criminal and he has to go through the Waxworks time loop to find a new zombie hand to prove that zombie hands are a thing. And that's what this rap is about.

And that's what this rap is about. half of it because the first guy totally hits all the points of the movie. And then, and then Big Dad comes in. He's like, bro, there's no more movie to wrap about. So I'm just going to wrap about us. And he's like, he's like, I got to hand it to the muff because he slammed it. And he handed it to me, the D, the A, to the D, which follows the B to the I, to the G. He just starts talking about himself.

Yeah, he's killing time. He's got no more Waxworks plots to hit. Then he's got two verses about the cinematography. He's like, Stas spangled, the jangled. Just imagine being the guy whose task it was

to tell these guys, okay, we need you to wrap about a movie. Here's what the movie's about. I'm going to start explaining it to you. And like, that nerd talking to these guys and just telling them all about what,

like, well, there's a hamlet travels through time and there's Frankenstein is technically in it. And like, tell them that to guys that look like this

and are as cool as this. And then at the end of it, There's like a long silence where you're like, oh, I'm in trouble. And then they're just like, shit, that's dope. I'm going to write everything that just said down. Frank, it's time. Shout out to God and say, Lord, have mercy. Forgive us the strength to fight the danger zone.

Co-written by my boy, Melbourne. They were clearly so into it is the surprise. Yeah. They put their fucking whole heart into it, and I really appreciate it. It's not a bad rap. It's probably too good for this category, honestly. I agree. It's like, at first I was like, I hate this.

But then I was like, oh, because my expectations were for it to be a cheesy rap song. It's like this conscious, like common type song. I set those expectations first thing. Yeah. And then you come in, you're like, oh, this is good. What's going on? Yeah.

I didn't want it to be good. Yeah. So it's all right. WaxWords 2, it's all right. The song about Waxworks 2 also pretty all right. Inexplicably all right. Knows what it is? Yeah.

It doesn't beat FRO7. Honestly, it's, if I'm going for stupid, yeah. Brockway, do you think he can be FRO7? Do you think he can outst stupid FRO7? It's not going to sound like it at first, but I'm going somewhere with it. So why don't you just go ahead and play my last song? Well, let me play a little clip here. There once was a lady who got sick because the city associate made herself a plan.

To get out of the city, find a roots in the jungle where a woman. is a woman and a man is a man She was looking for her mate She didn't find a man So she found herself an ape. She's an ape lady She's the mistress of the apes She's an ape lady

When she calls they congregate They can hear her voice Ring them far and wide She's the queen of the jungle And the monkey's bride Apt lady The mistress of the ape All right

Cab Calloway all of a sudden This song is why your first song is racist See, okay I 100% agree with you In and of itself The first one had that plausible deniability where I'm like That guy's just really passionate about fucking apes

This is why I think this one is stupid Okay This is Ape Lady Also from Mistress of of the apes. This movie had two expositional theme songs. This is the second one. And if I'm understanding it, she lived in New York and fucked gorillas.

And we needed two songs to explain it. So, all right, let me tell you why this one's fucking stupid. And the other one about having sex with apes was totally cool. First, the song itself, the goofy little chimp sample, the ropa dope lyrical cadence. It's all treating ape sex like a joke when the other one treated it like. Oh, this woman has a fundamental right to bang apes. And, like, there's no... She has a doctor's permission.

Yeah, she has a prescription, all right? In this one, there's none of that, like, artistic vagary. The lyrics are she went looking for a mate. She didn't find a man, so she found herself an ape. Like, later on, he says, she used her charms to tame the wild. She thought of everything but what to name the child. So she's having... She's raw dog in the apes in this one, which is, like,

that also changes some things for me. Like I thought, I thought we were, you know, not bringing children into this. There's no class left. No class. This is just explicitly stating that a woman is banging apes and that makes me think, actually, maybe that's gross. Maybe I'm not okay with that. That's what's stupid because if your cause is, I want to convince you that it's okay for women to have sex with apes, you had it. You had it with the first song with Mistress of the Apes with Ape, Mother, Ape, Lava.

You've got the whole world on your side. which again your side was women having sexual relations with apes and you had us you had it and then you put this song up next and you fucking blew it you fucking blew it you had mistress and the way they sing the way they sing ape lady it is kind of like a judge bringing down a gavel like he's just like calling her that in the courtroom ape lady I brand you as ape lady sentence you to 40 years of eight ladies human prison Your car no pleasures will not be endorsed. My big problem with this is it's like, okay, fine. She's the ape lady. She's the queen of the jungle. And then they switch vocalists to what I'm going to is coded for me as a black guy. He goes, and a monkey is bride.

It's like, whoa, whoa, what are you doing there? I didn't like, I don't like what you did there. I was like, the first half of the song, I'm like, white people are crazy. And then they got this guy. And I'm like, no, no, no. You got you sons of bitches. You cannot make this other people's fault. What did they,

what did they pay you to do that? It can't have been enough. I just. And a monkey is bride. And that's it. They brought him in for that. Just for that. Just for that.

It took all this dignity for that. Mistress of the Apes, the first song was like, it was like a, it was like the guy was standing on the bow of a burning ship heading into a hurricane. And he's just like, ape mother,

ape lover. Like, it's something to believe in. And then, and then they did. this, and that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. It's so stupid. You blew it. You blew it for yourself. So here's, you didn't get to this part in the song, but here's where it gets real problematic.

It didn't take her long to get used to the monkeys because they acted like little brothers in the zoo. Though at the beginning, all their faces looked the same. Before very long, she knew just who was who. They all looked the same to ape lady at first, you know, until she starts banging them. And then she's part of the, she's in the culture. That's what I'm saying. It just, it just blew all that goodwill that, uh, that having sex with apes had assessed. Like all of that goodwill, just gone.

Just totally gone with this. And that was such a stupid move. Such a stupid move because I was on board. I was on board with women having sexual relations with apes. It's not my thing. But I thought, you know what? Maybe that's beautiful in a way. And then you started playing that fucking chimp sample and you ruined everything.

It's an interesting sales pitch. I think it's pretty convincing. More convincing than your plug for your book, if I'm being honest. True. Yeah. I'll take it all down. I'll take it all down. Every single goddamn one of you.

Who do you think got the passwords? I'm going to vote for FRO7 on this one. I agree that this does take the turn that you say, but just FRO7 clearly cost more to make. And that just elevates the stupidity of it, like beyond. I think eight lady costs more to the cause. I think it cost to be banking. But did they hire a beautiful, just dead serious, soulful black woman to be like, F-R-O-7? No, but they did hire a black man to go, and a monkey's bride.

I don't know. I think F-O-7 for me. If I vote for my own thing, it would be a three-way tie. if I vote for Brockway, he wins. Uh-huh. Oh. I love Brockway. I'm voting for Brockway.

Oh, because Brockway's voting for himself, obviously, right? Yes. Oh, does that even need to be said? Absolutely vote for myself. All right. All right. Sight lives another day. I'm not taking time today.

That's all it takes. As I said, this is the best part of my day. So I, this is a win for me, too. I'm very happy with this. All right, you want to take us out with some ape lady? Oh, I'd love to take us out with some ape lady. God damn it There once was a lady who got sick of the city

So she made herself a plan To get out of the city Find her roots in the jungle where a woman There's a woman in a man of the man She was looking for her mate She didn't find a man so she found herself an ape. She's an ape lady She's the mistress of the apes

She's an apee She's a lady When she calls their congregate They can hear her voice Ring them far and wide She's the queen of the jungle And the monkey's bride 1,900, Frankfurt

1,900, Frankfurt And to podcast Canals And with Maximal in Chal Talk Frankfurt podcast, Correct Craftis, nitratis, not under. Shicked you in the hundersaw,

the year an hour of a stunder. Come, John, you can't the number. Yeah, 9,900, Frankburg.

On 10, 900, Frankburg. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1,900, 1,900, Frankford. 1,9,

you know, and new, yeah. Yeah, 9,000. The historic Hot Dog Club here in Beautiful's Connected to New York. Welcome to the stage, our own in-house insult comic, Jimmy Juggles.

Oh, hey, thank you, thank you. Don't applaud too hard. You ain't heard by set yet. Hey, I see a lot of Supremes out there in the crowd today. Aaron Crustin. Adrian H. I see Alex Nolenberg here. Hey, Alex, I hope you get hit by a speedboat like a manatee.

Oh! Alpha scientist Javo. An Andy, Armando Nava, Autumn Armstrongberg, you look like a volunteer editor for wiki feed. Oh, Bim Talser, Brandon Garlock, Brian Saylor. Oh, I see somebody here named Brockway famously loves the meat millie? Well, I happen to know the guy, and guess what? He does. Burrito!

Cerro! Cheddar Wolf! You smell like pall malls and old breast milk. Aho! Common sense! Craig Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schill, I heard your AI girlfriend cheated on you. It's not supposed to be possible. Science is studying it.

Oh! Dean Costello, Delta Foxtrot. Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's Rad title. Elizabeth Shope, some people get a bench dedicated to them when they die. You're gonna get the corner chair in a Motel 6. Oh, double up. Oh! Elliot Watson, Eric Christianberg, Fancy Shark, Jella, ho!

Hey, good Satan and his hot witches. You know the way that pace that Dennis used to polish your teeth tastes? No, of course you don't! Oh! Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Pinguini, A. I see Honk over here, onk, hank. Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd. Hey, James Boyd, I hope you dry, drown in a corn silo.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child of... Oh! Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, Jared Ruiz, it's the Jared's... Oh, Jeff Oraskey. John Dean, I bet all the microplastics in your balls is gonna turn your babies into spiders. Spider, oh! John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph Searle, Josh Yes, Joshua Greaves, A, Justin B, you seem like the kind of guy who's had multiple Pets die because of his unmedicated ADHD.

Oh, sorry that one got stuck. Ken Paisley, K&M, Kamutsis, KVH, I heard you got banned from Bumble and not even for a good pervert reason. You just made people too sad. Hold on. Let me load the O gun. All right, now let me gawk it. All right, pull.

Oh, oh, oh. Missed all three times. Lane Haygood, Lisa, M. Jahi Chappelle. Hey, Mark Mahoney, you seem like the fourth guy to die trying to rescue a dog from a septic tank. Tragic, oh! Matt Riley, Max Barroy, Mojo. Hey, you guys like politics?

I hear the best comedy's political these days. Let's try some. A mercenary Cisidman, Jeff Bezos called. He wants his personality back. Oh! Michael Lair, Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N.D. I see Neil Bailey here. I see Neil Schaefer here. I see NECO 104 here. We got Nick Levino. Hey, Nick Levino. Elon Musk called. He wants his weird torso back. Torso. Oh, obsolete. Henri Weevil. We got Ozzy Olin. Double O. We got Patrick Herbst. Pee's uncle, I hope your spouse leaves you for a Republican. Oh! Rebrandrew, I hope you get the kind of concussion that turns you, Republican. Oh, you and Peewee's uncle's wife deserve each other, and I hope you're very happy.

Oh! All right, all right, that's enough politics, we have fun. Oh. Hey, Riannan, hey Russell Bowman, hey Sam Kopnik, I recognize this guy. He's the 204th frame in that scene from Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blasted out the airlock. That's a deep cut, but look it up. It's also an... Oh, Zarkovsky, Sean Chase.

Hey, Seeds Passport lists their sex as too brief for all the heartache it's caused over the years. We got space champ in here. Oh, spotty reception. Super knot. Tater's tails. Hey, Tater's tails. You smell like the sock you find stuck to a teenager's wall

when you move the bed. Oh, you're just... in there you're looking you're looking for drugs or something because you don't understand the sudden distance between you and the child who used to love you when bam crusty old tater's tails oh hey it's 10 h Thomas Cavatoos timi lehi toasty god Tommy G Vlo hey I see Victor Mellivank in here you look like you lost a fight to a puff at her who was itself already

dying of cholesterol poisoning oh hey booster hey you got the anti-venom no you don't hey waylin Russell hey you gonna call somebody no you aren't oh never mind though because of on clapham's here she can just oh it's my time thanks everyone you've been great not you Zach and Ava all right all right don't forget to tip your waitresses we all know gareth ain't gonna do it oh ha but no seriously you gotta You gotta tip him, man. You gotta tip him. The law says you can pay them below minimum wage

if it's a tip position. It's fucked up. Capitalism is fucked. Oh!