The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 240, WAR OF THE WORLDS with Jason Pargin

Episode Date: August 13, 2025

Pretty sure we've got the inside scoop on Ice Cube's new War of the World's movie, we're the very first on the scene for this, what very well may be the worst- What? TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, other podcasts, even Ice Cube himself beat us to the punch in making fun of this? So... so we did the algo face for nothing?

1,900 hot dog 1,900, hot dog Out podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on, you know the number

1,900 1,900 Hot Dog 1190,0,000 1-900 Hot Dog Hot Dog Welcome to America's final comedy hot dog America's final comedy website

I'm Robert Brockway and I'm part of a COVID hustle to grift Amazon out of $10 million and with me is my criminally associated partner Sean, baby. Hi, I'm an ape lady. I'm the mistress of the apes. But apropos of nothing. Why would you even bring that up? That's crazy.

It's crazy that you would do that. And then bring that up and put it in everyone's head again. Anyway, here's our guest. It says here he's best-selling author and notorious movie narc. Uh-oh. It's Jason Pargin. So what I'm about to say is going to sound like very harsh criticism of this podcast. But you know, you know I don't mean it that way. I won't accept it. Because there are listeners out there right now saying, oh, I've been seeing clips of this War of the World's movie that I know they're going to talk about because

it's in the title of the thing I clicked on. I've been seeing clips of this movie all over TikTok, all over Reels, all over YouTube shorts, all over Twitter. Like, it's so cool that these guys finally decided to jump on like a trending thing. Guys, They don't know. This is the first near hearing that this is a viral movie. I did notice some of it was popping up on my feed the other day, but when I say my feed, I check social media very rarely. We watched this two weeks ago, two weeks ago with the Discord for a movie night. So we were like real early adopters of this garbage.

Yeah, I don't want to be a war of the world's hipster. But I instantly recognize this as something like once in a lifetime. Like this is a very special failure. We liked this before it was one of the worst movies ever made. It is right now the number three most popular title on Amazon. Because of all the people going to. If we took clips from this episode and like you guys upload to TikTok sometimes, but if we were really relentless and strategic,

If I, on my platforms, if I grab those clips and really pushed it, I could make this episode of the dog zone. I think the most popular one in its history because it is about a viral trending topic and not about like a direct to VHS, Rudy Raymore comedy from that 1982 or whatever. But here's the thing. If I successfully did that, if we like really hustled all of us to team together and push and got this episode and made it a viral hit, I think if I went into the Slack and said, hey, guys, I think, I think this episode is our all-time biggest tit. I think that news would be forgotten within three to four minutes. Yeah, I would think you were kidding. I would, if you even laid that plan out in the Slack, I'd say, oh, this is Jason doing that bit where he pretends we're like back at cracked trying to chase some viral story.

I think it's a non-issue because we have two, three podcasts in the can. We're recording weeks in advance. So by the time this comes out, it will be passe. and they'll be like, are you fucking still talking about that? That's true. It takes care of itself. Don't worry. I mean, we could rush, I guess.

We could put it, stop the presses and print this fucking podcast, but. Guys, everybody has moved on to the fact that Skibbitty Toilet has joined only fans. That's what everybody's talking about today. Why didn't you do a podcast about that? I understand too with those words. That's funny. Those are funny words. I like the sound of them.

Yeah, we're going to talk about War of the Worlds. Before we do that, where can people? find more from you, Jason. I am now on YouTube at Jason K. Pardgin, the same username that I use on TikTok and all of the other platforms. Yes, I have successfully signed up for YouTube monetization and am doing long-form YouTube videos now. I'm now monetized on all of the platforms except for the ones that are just overtly owned by Nazis. Wait a second. That would mean I'm not monetized on any of them. Okay, I have not checked very closely on any of them, except for, except for Twitter, which I'm not monetized on.

All right, Sean. We're monetized on Patreon. 1,900 hotdog.com. Go to patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. 900 hot dog. Dial it for laughs. And I, of course, am legally obligated to promote my upcoming book because I was doing a fun bit, another just a fun bit where I refuse to promote it despite being in my contract that I have to.

And now I'm doing a fun bit where I go to federal prison if I don't sell enough copies. So please buy it It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200 It's available for pre-order right now Go look, it's up there I just I actually got the news The release date was pushed back From January 20th to the 27th

And I assume that's because I've been promoting it so good That I bought myself a week of freedom So like I get that's it We figured out what the metric is We just have to sell as many books as that Every single week And I won't go to prison So let's get on that.

Buy that book. Buy that book so I don't go to federal prison, everybody. Also probably trying to get the release date clear from the Super Bowl, which I think is the weekend of the 20th, so they probably didn't want those two things happening. There is a lot of football in this book. If that's something you like. If it's not, then it's not in this book at all.

Just whatever you want it to be, it's in there. You got to check it out. Buy my book. I don't want it to be a threat, but it is. All right, so today we're talking about War of the World's, the 2025 Ice Cube edition. Let's just take a real quick check here. Jason, how many words of notes are you looking at right now? A lot because the big thing right off the top is I had not read any H.G. Wells novels

and did not realize what an overrated author he was until I watched this film. He's a real piece of shit. Really? This? So I'm mainly going to tear him apart. but I guess back then there weren't that many, you know, authors around. There wasn't much competition. It's incredible how he managed to predict Ice Cube.

That's astonishing to me. Sean, how many words and notes are you looking at here? I would say probably maybe a quarter what I usually write now. And let me explain. I understand that watching this movie, you kind of want to write down everything that happened. But what I did was just not rewatch the movie because you said, hey, let's do War the World's podcast. I said, well, I just watched that. And there's no fucking way.

I'm going to watch it again. Also, I think most of it stuck with me. So I think I can follow along with the discussion. But, yeah, pretty low level of notes. Is that the answer you expected, or do you think I had a ton of notes? I honestly, I didn't know the way it was going to go. I'm looking at 7,000 words of notes. Oh, wow.

And in my... I have 3,000. Okay. And in my experience, 7,000 words and notes, even if it's just me talking, is about four hours of podcast. So I figured there's a few ways... Either you all also have four hours worth of notes or you don't have any notes and you're just like, I don't know, I watch that. That sucks. That sucks that I normally. I wish I could undo it. I think I'm a pretty good podcaster in that I take a lot of detailed notes and try to prepare a lot. But that's not what I did today. I knew that you would have way too many notes and figured I would.

Well, part of it's the movie's fault in that the movie is just an avalanche of shockingly terrible decisions designed to, to overwhelm. your senses and shut you down. It's just a long, slow tragedy, but it's also a really sharp fast tragedy. It's really dense, I think is a good word to describe it. Like, it's stupid, but then there's a second stupid thing happening in the side. And like, there's so many tumbling mistakes that the screenwriter decided to try to solve and then created further mistakes. And that happens visually and in the story. And then also, there's a lot of, like, untalented polish. Like, like, someone clearly went in and said, let's try to make this look cool, but then they sucked shit at it.

And so you could just sort of feel the effort in every frame. But the thing they started with was just like an actor filming themselves in a hotel room. I don't know. It's just a really special catastrophe. Here's my proposal. Fuck this guy. Fuck me. Let's

Let's scrap a lot of my notes I'm just going to go over What actually happens in the movie And everybody If I miss something that you really want to talk about Really really take a A poll of yourself and determine like Is that worth going back and revisiting?

Like try to do one thing per like 15 minutes a movie How about that? Okay All right I'm not going to to police you. I'm not going to, like, I'm not going to shut the... You know what, maybe I will. I'll play Ape Lady every single time you talk about more than one thing per 15 minutes. I'm not going to remember to do that, but it would be just an unlistenable house game. Hey, I know we've got a lot of new listeners here because we're talking about a trending subject. The song that

Brockway is talking about, that is not a song that they made to be like a theme for this podcast at all. a song from a movie that they had nothing to do with. It is still on my soundboard for no real reason that I feel comfortable discussing. I'm not going to play it because I feel like everybody at home right now already has it stuck in their head if they listen to this podcast, and if they don't, they don't deserve that until farther into this podcast. I'm sure. So, with restraint in mind, with restraint in mind, let's talk about War of the Worlds.

Ice Cube plays William Radford Department of Homeland Security Analyst back before we realized that was the enemy and that should not be the protagonist this is maybe the worst time in history for you to release this movie with that as your protagonist incredible, incredible timing

first of all right off the jump what a great choice it's called it's what's called a screen life movie which is like a genre they have developed specifically one guy has developed that's mostly filmed from the point of view of your of your screen life of your webcam your phone stuff that you're watching captures of your desktop set up all as he goes

about his hectic job which is again the enemy department of homeland security uh and his it's it's also his personal life to violate people's privacy so you can't even be like oh he's he's doing that professionally but maybe like in his personal In his personal life, no, in his personal life, he's also violating the shit out of his children's privacy, whose names are Dave and Faith. And he does that by hacking into every device they pass by to micromanage every aspect of their lives, including their video game consoles and his daughter's Smart Fridge at one point. Yeah. Which is a degree of insanity beyond, like, beyond a quirk, I would say, like, that's an enemy. That's an enemy move.

Okay, let me cash in one of my interjections here because we are, I think, We are 34 seconds into the film. This format and this producer, there is a 2018 film called Searching that uses this exact same format, and it's very good. It's very clever. Same guy. Yeah, same producer. And it's that same, it's software where it's basically, okay, if you were stuck at your desk trying to solve a crime or whatever, all of the tools that are available to you, all the, cameras and videos you can bring up, it makes a real challenge and how to tell the whole

story where you're stuck from that point of view. And it was done really well. So the pitch that they, I think this was a COVID era production of, hey, we can't get the actors together on set, but from we could have like, there's one guy who's clearly just on the golf course to all time. And Ice Cube at whatever office they did this at, I don't know if they had a production office somebody else at a hotel room like if they could all just do it and then we'll do that searching format and we'll do war of the worlds and you can do because you can have videos that are like low res things like that web cameras and you know phone cameras then the effects maybe don't have to be perfect i think that pitch is actually really good i can i can see why they approve that

because yeah you would feel helpless if you were in lockdown and you're having to watch the whole thing play out. It's just that the first thing that happened was the screenwriter was like, okay, but why would the protagonist, who they surely could not have known at that point was going to be played by Ice Cube? Why would they have a literal God's eye view of the universe? And the premise says, oh, that's right. He can hack into any object on the planet in real time, be it a satellite, a military drone, a refrigerator, a cash register at a cafe. He has a God's eye view of everything happening on Earth, and that's his job. And I think his choice to, like, hack his children's life might have started, like, as sort of a cute

gag, but it is psychopathic by the time it made it here onto the page and then onto the screen. Because he calls his daughter when she orders a month. muffin, and he's not like trying to casually slip that in the conversation. He's just full on, like, telling on himself instantly, a muffin. Like, to let her know, no, I'm fucking watching you from the security cameras. I know you bought a muffin. Also, that's not a thing anyone would even know was a problem, right? Like, if someone screamed a muffin after you bought a muffin, I'd be like, oh, gross, are you like watching me? Fuck off. And then he, like, is watching his kid's screen while he's at home, which, again, that's a high risk situation watching a teenage

boy's computer screen and then he like uninstalls the game he's playing and and i just think like what are they trying to tell us about this character other than like he can't be trusted and he's a complete lunatic yeah you see where like their intent was where like oh he's it it's we learn pretty soon here that his wife died a few years back and he's become uh addicted to work and massively overprotective but that's not that's not what it's scanning at like you've taken you misunderstood what that would present as so badly, and then you gave that trait of always watching you to a guy working for the Department of Homeland Security.

Right. And I'm like, oh, I hate this person. I'm going to catch an interjection because while he's doing the spying, in the background, like, his main mission priority is to like watch this hacker. And this hacker is going to release something that's like hugely problematic for national security. and that's what's going on while he's like watching his daughter order a muffin

and uninstalling steam games from his kid's computer. He's really bad at his job in addition to being just an unhinged psychopath. I don't think we're out of the credits yet and we burned both interjections for the first 15 minutes. Hit me with the Aves song, if I don't shut up. The rest of this is just going to be me talking. I don't know about this framework that I've introduced. Wait, wait, wait, wait, before you start, this still counts his mind. he opens up Facebook

and he messages he does his yearly message to his dead wife. Okay, I'm done I'm done making so this is all and it's all done I worry people are picturing like 24 or something where it's like

I don't really know what this is but it looks like somebody with enough confidence can fake it. No no no this is all very childlike which is why it's so shocking that the guy who produced this not only invented this genre, but had so much experience, making at least one movie that was very good in this venue, because it's handled so poorly. Like, it looks like somebody has only heard about a computer and never actually seen one work.

Because, like, he's, we're saying he's, like, monitoring all of these things. What that looks like is that a box will pop up over a person walking, and it will be, like, threat level medium. It's just like a lady walking across the street. Yeah. And then, like, three or four submenus will pop up. up like walking or like has a dog bought an ice cream cone and then it'll turn green like no it's fine yeah like that's the level of of like authenticity that you're dealing with he looks at a map of DC and it has cartoon icons of attack helicopters over it the attack helicopters are

like it's a fast food cashier register there's a skeleton of a better movie hidden here in the beginning I remember there's a like they show a kid like bashing another kid in the face with a pillow like just a funny little meme of kids eating shit And this was like this sort of story of this movie from another universe where as the aliens eat the data, spoiler alert, the aliens came here to eat data, if it was like all of our data was dying like the T,000 in like a smelting pit, like is it like just cat memes and baby memes were just popping up on the screen like one last time as they were erased? Like that is a funny movie. If during all of the drama, there's just a million little stimuli, like that's the better movie. And they just, they hint at it here. think you would have to change Ice Cube's performance at all to have this movie. Because

that's what it looks like he's watching all the time. It looks like he's so overstimulated and overwhelmed. I do have a theory that they just filmed him do random reactions for three hours and then wrote the script later. I want to disagree with you only because I don't think it was three hours. I think like, I don't think they got an hour of reporting time from Ice Cube. There is no chance Ice Cube remembers shooting this movie. It was clearly one afternoon where he sat down. And I think he probably, as a paycheck, got the bulk of the budget, I'm going to say, because they wanted. And he sat down for, it does look like one afternoon and just filmed a bunch of reactions and saying things like, I'm not going to do a nice cube impression because I know that's problematic, but saying like, ah, how you like me now?

And oh, hell no. Sounds just like. I accidentally did it perfectly. I'm sorry. And then, but this was, they did this like in, in 2020. Again, this was during lockdown that they filmed this. So probably had one day got his paycheck. And then over the next five years, just assumed, like, lots of stuff in Hollywood.

It just never got made or that, that footage got dumped to something else. Yeah, I probably totally forgot about it. And then suddenly there's billboards and stuff everywhere. Number one movie. I'm going to assume he did not know this was the movie. like they got on Zoom and I'm sure he thought like I'm doing a little run through of the screenplay or like maybe this is like kind of an audition where we're going to talk about like how it would be and he didn't realize that they were hit and record screen and so this movie comes out and he's like what the fuck he thought he's doing Gavillongoria's podcast and now he's like what the fuck I think this is Arnold Schwarzenegger's story with Red Sonia that he showed up and just shot some stuff and he thought it was he was like a side character and they used every single foot

of stuff they shot. They just put it all in the movie. You're like one of the main character. He didn't, there's no way. He thought, at the very least, he thought like, I'm the little side character hacker. Like, they're just going to cut to me once in a while and being like, oh, shit. And surely they're going to get Tom Cruise or something. He was in one

of these before. Think how much better this movie would be if Ice Cube was watching Red Sonia and just 50, 60% of the movie was just him watching Red Sonia. Again, it would work with the performance that he filmed. Like, you could, you can, sit his performance up. Oh, my God.

Move, bitch. Get out the way. That works for so many parts of Red Sonia. It's true. So, let me, let me just blow through the rest of the setup real quick here, since we've all burned our interjections, and I don't want to get aped. So he's, these are, hit the core tenets of his character in the movie. He spies on his kids.

He's way overprotective. His son, his teenage son, Dave. I think he knows about, uh, he knows about, uh, his dad's job and about government privacy, and he's very much against that. So he does not approve of, like, his dad's whole lifestyle. His daughter, Faith, is some sort of, like, superbiologist that we learned there, and she's got an Amazon delivery driver boyfriend, as so many superbiologists do. And then Ice Cube is stalking his dead wife's Facebook page,

which becomes very important to him throughout the movie. He meets a couple of other characters. He talks to somebody named Sandra Nassau. which I think they meant to replace that. I like that he doesn't know her name. He's like Hot Girl Work. Specifically, he's going around and is worried about this hacker that's about to go live. And he gets a text message or what are they using?

Is it Microsoft Teams? What's the software that they keep? And then he'll get like a Teams message from her where she sends him a clip of the aliens are destroying our weather. And like, hey, have you heard anything about this? is like, no, I'm busy. Like, okay, that's, Homeland Security's not concerned about something has destroyed the weather everywhere?

That's because, okay, that's because he jumps onto a live stream of their raid on Disruptor, the hacker. So he is, amongst all of these other things, he's jumping into the live stream to watch it like a Twitch stream as they raid Disruptor. And that's when the team on the ground that he's watching is interrupted

by an explosion and these meteors falling from the sky. And that's the first time he realizes something else is going on because again, he hung up on Sandra Nassau who was like, there's fucking meteors! No, no, man. All of this, it seems hectic, that's because I'm not sure if this is true of all screen life movies. I don't really remember searching very well, but this one is supposed to take place

in real time. So one minute in the movie is one minute in the, story. It is. That falls apart immediately because, I mean, like the meteors hit and there are news reports about it everywhere. One reporter's like outside like, hey, there's a bunch of meteors that just started one second and she gets like headshotted by the meteor.

And in fact, this story is going to take place over the course of about a year, but it's shot in real time. So, for example, they will mention mass unemployment at one point due to the alien invasion. They will mention that all of the world economies have crashed. They will mention that all of the world's militaries have gotten together and staged an attack and have now retreated and have suffered massive casualties and are now trying. It's like, but this is happening in 30 seconds. Like the attack happened.

Yeah. Because they cut back and forth from Ice Cube's actual story, because this is from his point of view. So they will show him, like, looking something up, and then he's waiting for, like, the search result. He'll tab over, and they'll be like, mass unemployment as aliens invade, and then he'll tab back to his search and finish, like, oh, the result of my search is ready. That all, that means that all happened within, like, three and a half seconds, which is, which is one of the main mistakes this movie makes. But we are now into the second 15 minutes. They should do a movie where a guy just watches Red Sonia, and then after he finishes Red Sonia, he finds out the world died while he was watching Red Sonia. And we see it from his point of view, so we're just watching Red Sonia with like a weird epilogue.

You don't have to change the thing. If anybody's handier than us, and you want to just go through and pull out all of Ice Cube's performances and remove the green screen behind him, that I assume is set up in his kitchen. Just put a green screen behind him. We can put him watching all of Red Sonia and live reacting. And I think that will be a major success, of course. So the second 15 minutes, Ice Cube, he needs. to commandeer a drone to get a better view of this explosion

during the raid, which he does by clicking commandeer drone. Again, again, a child. A child. This is how a child understands computers. This is hunting and pecking for the burger shape on the McDonald's cash register. I liked it just because

the screenwriter knew the problem and solved the problem, explained it to us with no errors. Like, it's stupid, but it's not outside. the realm of possibility. He's a super hacker that uses Windows for everything. So it's all clicking on icons and clicking

and nothing is command line. So for example, when the master hacker disruptor, the hacker who has hacked all of the world's systems is about to go live, he takes the hacker's YouTube video, clicks on ViewSource, and then it's got his IP address, highlights it.

Boom, that's his home address, send the FBI. Oh, God. God damn. Like, imagine the audacity to pitch a movie of one of your characters is a super hacker and you're like, I'm not going to look up any of this fucking computer shit.

And, like, I know we used to have that audacity in 1995 with hackers. But never again, we're not allowed to do that. We're not allowed. The hackers burned that goodwill. It's almost worse than, like, the law and order thing where, like, two people are typing on the same keyboard.

Like, I feel like it's, more distracting in its failure, to kind of be right, but like super dumb. So he's checking all of his feeds, all the news networks. Fox News is his favorite. That's the only thing that really scans here. And we see it, this is all worldwide, including his building. And so in this emergency, he starts checking out on his kids. He finds his daughter, Faith, taking cover under a table in her lab.

So he calls the worthless boyfriend, the Amazon driver boyfriend, to go get. at her, which they're not saying like cell phone services out. So like, I don't know why he had to do that and she can't. But don't think of that because you'll think of that for the rest of this movie. Because most of this movie is Ice Cube making calls for other people that they could and should have made themselves. Right. The internet goes down like 20 different times in this movie and all the cell towers go

down 50 different times while everyone is still watching the internet and making phone calls. They will repeatedly get on the internet. to talk about the fact that there is no internet anywhere. Because, again, the format of the film, it's problematic for the systems to be down. But also, here's a point where if you're watching it and people are talking about how low budget this film is, when you're going to say, well, that's not true. When the aliens attack and he goes and views and all the meteors are hitting everywhere, they show lots of destruction where these cities, and it looks good.

There's actual buildings destroyed and on fire. It looks very convincing Because they used news footage of actual disasters where actual people died It's real fucked up They just put in bad CGI alien tripods and or meteors on top of it And then cut to Ice Cube going Oh damn To somebody too like your sister dying

Like Ice Cube was reacting to your actual real-life sister being exploded. Statistically, somebody watching this movie saw their own apartment building that was destroyed in those fires in Hawaii or whatever the many disasters they took news footage from. It's like, oh, that's where my grandmother died. This is Ice Cube reacting to that saying, damn, these aliens. Slapping his little button.

Because he has a button. He has a button that screams, that was easy every time. he one of those easy buttons from it is it staples that had those see i i thought it was it surely must have been amazon because that'd be a wild move for it to be staples but you might be right that guy okay that button that's something that the actual man ice cube not the character the human being ice cube had in his office and he just had it nearby and improvised that's how we got the part his audition they were like that button really add something keep that so so so He tells the boyfriend to go get his daughter.

His son Dave is running along the street. He's guiding him along the street. Meanwhile, his boss, director Briggs, who again is the head of the Department of Homeland Security in the middle of a national emergency. And he sends out a mass text telling everybody in his department, everybody get on Zoom. Now, remember this was filmed in 2020

when that was fucking ridiculous instead of, I don't know, the 10th most important news story this morning. This is sadly a prophetic movie. But yeah, everybody gets on, everybody hops on Zoom at the highest level of government, because that's what they would use. Uh, he facetimes the FBI. I want to use an interjection. Uh, okay. There's a, a funny thing where they're talking about how the meteors are slowing down and speeding up. Like someone directly says to camera, like, I think it was Andrea Savage. She's like, okay, we have no idea where these fucking things are going to land. They're just changing directions and changing speed. Anyway,

there's one coming right for you. And then he calls his son. And again, these things are flying all over. No one can predict them. And he's steering him on foot. Like, take a left. The meteor's about to hit. You take a hard left on foot.

Adorable. Assuming his kid was Hussein Bolt, like, it makes no difference. Okay, I'm done with my interjection. I just wanted everyone to know that in one breath, the story will establish the rules and then completely forget them. So he's got this mass meeting of all the apartment heads that he's got to deal with. And it's his job to compile report on the alien activities. And here's how he does it. He jumps around to camera feeds and pictures of them and he clicks metadata. And then in the

metadata of the pictures of them, it includes the alien's height, weight, and attack capabilities. You don't encode that in all the images of the site? I do that every time. in the meta the metadata knows about the aliens my god that's fucking incredible if i had noticed that that would have been my interjection definitely that's amazing was that my oh okay all right no no you're running things i'm just saying if i had known that i would have i would have forced you to play the ape song because i would have definitely interrupted to point that out i i will take an interjection here uh something i haven't mentioned to this point, the most distracting thing to me while watching this for the first time was, I guess,

the design sensibility in general, because if you haven't seen this movie and you're picturing it, it's all done through, he's watching news feeds, right? So it's got the whole full newsfeed UI thing going. He's using different kinds of apps. He's using, and like a lot of apps that exist. He's using teams. He's using Zoom. He's using like Google Maps and stuff like that. they did not even like just grab the UI of those things they they tasked somebody somebody who's not qualified at all for this job to redesign those UIs and they used

I want to say the same font for everything if not the same font then the same very basic package of fonts so that like Fox News running a ticker looks exactly the same as CNN as Google Maps as everything else and of course it's full of spelling errors that's hardly worth mentioning but it's just the idea it's the idea that I don't know

that Fox would have the same font as CNN is just like insulting to me like they would have they would find a racist font I'm sure of it there was a new ISAD that just came out with the fucking full on like German Nazi font yeah see they would find the Nazi font

that's that's real it really takes you out and like I just as somebody like I have to sometimes make the little fake ads in our articles at the end of our articles on the site 1,900 hot dog come support us and one of the first

tricks I learned was that if you need to fake something just find the right font like you don't have to be that good just find the right font and you can put the right font on something if you're not very good at this and it will look pretty okay and usually it's free if it's not free and you really really want

one it's like 20 bucks And it's intensely documented. If you just Google, what is the font from blah? Font nerds are the weirdest, most industrious people. You can install it. It takes seconds. Nobody in this movie did any of that. Nope.

So it really, it really just, it looks like, it looks like it's being faked. It looks like it's being faked to Ice Cube within the fiction of the movie. Like, this is his son punking him, like, which I guess would scan for the war of the worlds. I mean, it's all right there. That's another explanation for this movie that none of it's really happening and it's all just someone's playing a prank on Ice Cube. They're doing the game

to Ice Cube. That's what it looks like. It looks like his son is just like, and they're frantically typing up headlines for Fox News as they run and just like doing his goddamnness. Okay, I realize we're running behind, but I just very briefly want to talk about the history of this franchise going back to 1890. You got an interjection.

Knowing that like the whole infamous Orson Wells radio show that maybe a few people thought was real. I kind of thought at some point that's going to be our twist, that it's going to turn out, oh, the hackers faked an alien invasion to do something else. It's cover for a terrorist attack or something because that would explain why the aliens kind of look bad or whatever. And the joke's going to be that this guy who thought he had a God's eye view of the world, that because he was interacting with everything through a screen, it's like, hey, when you put the screen between

yourself in reality, this gives an opportunity for somebody else to come in and kind of pull the wall over your eyes. So I actually thought they may be doing something kind of clever here. Yeah. It's so bad you think this can't be the real thing. This can't be the real movie. It's just a trick. And they're making it bad enough so I can have the clues. Again, we can remix that movie out of this performance. Like this, that's the beauty of Ice Cube's performance here is that it can be anything you want it to be. The other thing is if anybody else out there is making a true War of the World's film like a big budget version. Those tripod things in the 1898 novel, that represented an insurmountable threat to military technology of that era.

If you're just dealing with the kind of artillery, that kind of stuff you had pre-World War I, then a big metal tripod with a heat ray that it's like we have no hope against that. you need to update that design because as it stands right now they're just very fragile tanks like later they're going to show it with just a single hellfire missile just wrecking one of them with no problem uh so even if we had no military i'm pretty sure we could defeat these things just by using iwok tactics to tie up their legs like even if our military just stayed home I think just civilians could crash into them with dump trucks and such. But, yeah, very quickly you're going to start to feel sorry for them

because once the military gets going in this film, it's like, oh, yeah, we're just mowing him down. That's basically the part we're at. Let's get into that. So before that happens, Ice Cube needs to get his daughter, Faith, to Safety. So he hacks a Tesla to auto drive her to the hospital. And we watch through the Tesla's point of view from all of its cameras, it just mows down toddler after toddler getting her to that hospital. He tries to like emotionally connect with her through the medium of Tesla,

but she's like, are you fucking doing that right now? And he's like, yeah, that was a bad idea. So he hangs up on her. And that's like one of the only truly funny moments. Oh, that was right after she says like she brought up the dead mom, just like the son did earlier. It's like all of his kids is when he starts getting overbearing. They're like, mom is dead. And then he hangs up on them.

And he hangs up on them. It's funny every time. So he hacks the daughter's aunt, the Amazon driver, the daughter's boyfriend's truck to send him her way, which again, another one of those things that could have just been a phone call that they probably should have made themselves because they all still have their phones. I want to do an interjection. Interjection, interjection. There's a scene here where she like gets some rebar at her leg. That's why she's in the Tesla because she can't walk. and they do like a mountain monsters thing

because I don't think she was outside this actress so she kind of hobbles there like a paper doll did you notice how weird this was like this was not a human walking to a car this was like an insane sprite getting smeared across a background unimportant the thing I want to talk about is he needs to get to his daughter because she's bleeding out

she has a rebar in her artery and he runs over to his office door and it's locked and he's like oh my office door is locked And I laughed so hard because, again, the screenwriter says, well, we can't have him leave his office. We need to keep him here. How do we solve this problem? Oh, someone locked in the door to his office.

No, they're in lockdown because it's a threat. Yes, lockdown. That's what locked down is someone comes by to every individual office and make sure no one in there can poop for the next three days. Ice Cube turns right back around and he just goes back and sits back in the computer chair. You're like, oh, he's going to try to, it's like a diehard, right? He's going to go in the fence. No, he's not. Not for this money.

Try the door, sweet. You're going to just have to die in the car. So he's delivering his intel report by which he scraped the metadata to give to the president. And that's when we see the military forces worldwide coordinating to strike back. And again, because this is in real time, he like gives that data to the president. Then we cut over to news reports of the entire world instantly co-werecting. coordinating, and then they cut back to, like, finish their sentence. Happens in a matter of seconds.

And he's smack talking him. I believe he hits the button that goes, that was easy. Like, in the alien's face, who are not monitoring this at all. But then he goes to check back on the Tesla, and his daughter is gone. She's left. She has left the Tesla. It vanished. It's all bloody.

He has no idea where. And then Sandra NASA, who he met. Hot Girl from work. tells Ice Cube the aliens might be hunting for something like they I don't know like they have some kind of agenda or plan but that would be ridiculous

Ice Cube doesn't believe it he believes they I guess they're just like he thinks they're like a bunch of cats that came down here Joyriding teen aliens and here's the crazy thing criminal mischief

Ice Cube is right yeah Ice Cube is right these are not really intelligent aliens they've come down They look like, they look mechanical. They don't look biological.

They look like mechanical tripods. But they, uh, they don't have heat rays, like Jason said. They look like a Korean phone game. Let's be clear. Let's like be really detailed in our description. And they attack by yelling. I think they're going for a sonic weapon, but because they have to open their mouths to do it, it just looks like, they look like angry cats.

They're just going, rah, when they attack. And, uh, they don't seem to have a plan. Ice Cube realizes the aliens are going for our data centers and draining the data with their datamites. And that's because this is one of their taglines. That's because data is their food. They put that on the posters. Their other tagline, by the way, it's worse than you think.

That one's rough. So, all right, no, go ahead. No, no, go ahead. Are you using your interaction? No, I was going to just describe. the way that they say they show their little tanks of data draining they're like gas tanks that he has little meters of the data in the world that are being sucked sucked away by the data is not being corrupted or deleted it's being drained because they eat data so when they

consume data they can't copy it and then have the data they have to take the data is their food you understand like data cannot simply be copied endlessly if you're not you're you're going to eat data off a computer, that data will be gone from the computer. Yeah, that's what's so scary is that our data will be gone and they will, I guess, I guess, shit it out as Facebook posts? I'm not sure what data shit. Am I? Okay, here's me and how generous I am. When I was watching this movie the first time, I did, I did think that it was now an allegory. I thought, okay, they're not real aliens. This is like something about like losing our

history or our culture or or something, right? Like it can't really be what's really happening. That's too fucking stupid. Everybody's like, I love that everybody when they watch this movie. All right, this has to be a metaphor or a setup for a twist. And then it's not.

It's just not. Because their other tagline, it's worse than you think. So we get the, we get an error message that now says military systems dash full data loss. And then we cut to

a video of all of our battleship sinking. And within seconds. They're tipped over and sinking because their data has been deleted. They don't have an update and float. They cannot, they cannot float anymore. Yeah, you need a lot of data to say boats stay up.

But most of the data just says boats stay up. And if you drain that, boat don't know where to go. Boat go down. Canonically in the film, that took place over one minute because this took place while his daughter is trying to get like the rebar out of her leg in her like in the course that it took for mark to find her in the building where she's got the rebar stuck in her leg all of the world's ships in aircraft carrier sank instantly

because 40 seconds ago their data was deleted if the aliens blew like a 30 foot hole in every battleship and aircraft carrier it would still take them longer than this movie to sink. I like that they just turn. They turn upside down because they don't know which way to go. They don't know. Data could be pointing anywhere. They don't know.

It doesn't point up anymore. All right. So let's reset the interjections moving on to the next act. Thank you. Aliens are eating all of our data. World's militaries are helpless because we need data. Aliens love data. Data tastes delicious.

Ice Cube is quickly scanning his feeds to see. that the world's militaries are giving up. Again, it's been one minute. They experienced a message that said full data loss and they were like, well, gave it our best. Give it our best, boys. Pack it up. Head home.

Granted, an M1 Abrams tank with all of its systems shut down, you could just run it into the legs of these tripods and run over most of them with a single tank. Just keep crashing into them. In fact, I think the guy is driving those

tanks, I think that would be their favorite day ever when they just ran around just running these things over. Like everybody of that age and younger, of our age and younger, like everybody in the world doesn't know what to do in this situation. You get a cable, you wrap it around the legs, you draw it tight. Everybody wants to be in that scene from Star Wars, from Empire. Drop two logs. We know, this is the one thing we know how to do.

You go to the museum and you get some old tanks before they had data. You do a Battlestarer, Alactica. There's nothing to it. There's a million ways to handle these aliens. I like that one of the news reports to sell it says, our forces are basically fighting them hand to hand now. Like the troops are running up and just watching that thing in the leg. Jackie Chan hitting it with a ladder.

So the Amazon driver boyfriend, his name is Mark. He has made it to the daughter, Faith, and she pulled the rebar out. The genius biologist has pulled the rebar out and is now bleeding to death. And it's surprised by this. She's like, oh, it hurt so bad. I thought it would. I didn't know it was going to bleed.

To her credit, Ice Cube did say, don't pull it out. And he's a fucking idiot. So you would. So now's when Mark needs to do something to stop the bleeding. And Mark, the Amazon driver, goes distant behind the eyes before pulling out his Amazon packaging tape gun. And Ice Cube says, no, you need something else. And Mark says, trust me. I'm a pro.

He's delivering a lot of human legs. He's going to ship that leg to Cleveland. He's a medical taping master by virtue of his elite Amazon training, you see. And she knows this. She tells her dad, no, you have some faith in Mark. He knows how to tape a leg. Do the listeners understand that when we say Amazon driver, we're not doing that thing where the movie used a fake brand,

and then we're just calling them Amazon. because that's clearly where it's supposed to be. No, Amazon branding is all over all of this. Yeah, he's an actual Amazon driver. And they're portraying him as like, that's the thing. That's his set of skills that's going to get him through the apocalypse is how good Amazon trained him. Because you know, you know, they're training like there's Amazon boot camps, Amazon College you got to go through to get there.

They don't just take anybody. They said, the only guy who can get in there is someone who can hold their pee for four hours. because they'll get fired if they leave for a bathroom break and he'll say, I can do this. And it's certainly not a situation where sometimes a person will just show up to your house and like a Chrysler-Sebring with your package in their backseat and put it on your porch. And you're like, was that Amazon or is that just a person who stole a package from another house? Is that Amazon or is that another bomb? Because I get a lot of bombs.

Sandra NASA has captured some of the datamites, which confirms Ice Cube's. theory. They eat data and they're hungry. And they're also tiny little helpless bugs. It turned out that the tripods were just a distraction so these sad, hungry little bugs could munch on some data which we would happily give them

if they, we have tons of it. Yeah. If they just asked. And they don't have it. This is not any intelligence. Like they're just going for their food source. They just happen. I don't know who. We don't know what alien race gave them those tanks. They thought it was

funny. They were like, let's give the bugs tanks and just see what happens. I would love it if, like, they realized they eat the data and they, like, decided to like create some. They're like went to fan fiction forums or whatever, and they're like, all right, we need you to write young adult fan fiction faster than you've ever written

before. Just typing as it disappears behind you. You, we need you to make pornography. Any kind of pornography. Just to hide high resolution. The furries come to save the day. It's like the Super Mario level, just the scrolling

disappearing right behind them as they were all of the internet slop coming together to save the world oh that's such a good movie but what matters is after all of our criticisms and i feel like we've been very harsh on this film up to this point they do something really cool here because the entire framework of the film is that ice cube can only interact through the internet and through all of these platforms but they show it's not just the military's data that got deleted everything's gotten deleted the earth's it just they literally have outlined the earth's population is totally bankrupt all banking records are gone all credit card data all loans all everything then his Facebook data gets deleted because remember the plot point from earlier where his sad dead wife's

ghost lives on only in her Facebook profile he watches an interjection on that as all of their photos and videos get deleted so this is important all of the data is gone. I love that with him watching like the pictures vanish one by one. I loved when he played the audio message he left him and it started going like low batteries. It's like, oh, I love you be nice. That's what happens when data dies.

That means all of the servers are wiped. Because again, Amazon, I don't people realize this. Everything runs off of Amazon servers, the AWS system. So all of that is wiped. So nothing works. that Microsoft Teams, all of that stuff uses data to function.

And certainly like his, you know, his daughter's boyfriend, who's the Amazon driver, like obviously Amazon at this point doesn't exist. All of their databases of products, all of their databases of addresses, all of the data they use to like Amazon is just a bunch of warehouses full of crap right now.

Everything is gone. So now it's like, okay, we've established that everything we're doing is done through these online platform. So now what do we do when we're basically back to 1825? Like we're communicating verbally. There's there's not even any cell phones. The cell phones run off of data. All that data is gone. So it's like, okay, what does this story look like when all of the tech that they are relying on is gone? Like they showed it being deleted. So I'm so glad Jason burned his interjection to like really hammer home that point. The next scene we're watching the

live stream of Disruptor, the hacker. Ice Cube is watching Disruptor talk about the aliens. He says if the aliens eat the secret information in the government's Goliath program, it'll be the end of humanity. And Ice Cube on his computer

completely changes the pitch and frequency of Disruptor's voice modulator until it sounds like his son. And then he's like, oh my God, that was my son. I think some of the listeners are confused. So when we say that the Disruptor's live stream, did he set up like an antenna to broadcast like an old-fashioned,

like a, like, did he have his own power source to just broadcast a signal that people could pick up on their radios? I'm glad you asked, no. Nope, use the internet that everyone's still connected to. Yeah, and it's just like Ice Cube is using his computer to change the tone and frequency of his son's voice. He's on YouTube. So if his wife had put her stuff on YouTube, they would have been fine because YouTube is

Totally unaffected. But Facebook, Facebook can get fucked. They ate Facebook first because it was, I guess it tastes like ranch. I'm assuming it would taste like ranch. I don't think this is counsel's interjection. I think I just want to help make the point that when he changes the modulation for his son's voice, the movie really lets the viewer figure that out on their own. It takes maybe 50 tries. Like they just keep playing it and playing it as if they're like, hey, viewer, you recognize.

that voice, it's one of the other three characters in the movie, and then really let you get it. And then finally, once you're sure, I think, I think I've heard that voice before. I think it's his son. I would like for him to change that voice to, because if you're in there just fucking with every level of a voice recording, you can make it sound like anything. I would love it if it just sounded like Shaq or something at the end. He's just like, oh my God, it was Shaq. I'm here to tell you about the data. A little Dennis Miller Oh my God, it's Dennis Miller

It's only It's strangely enough It's only impressions Sean Baby can do If you take the data You put the devil's base Meltz So he finds out

The hacker is his son Of course And he has He has that information The government One at all this time The aliens were hungry for it And what's worse

his boss, he finds out his boss, Director Briggs, is behind the whole thing because Goliath as the software that gathers so much data, it can predict our thoughts. Okay, interjection, interjection. So,

they tell this, dude. One interjection? They, I'm still using my interjection. Don't ape me. They tell this guy, they're like, hey, buddy, if you turn on this fucking surveillance system, aliens will come to Earth and eat the data.

And he doesn't say... Interjection. Interjection. You can't interjection, interjection. Yes, I can. We find that out by a tweet from Senator Chuck Schumer. Continue.

Okay, thank you. No, good interjection. So he... They tell him this, and he does not say, ha-ha, aliens, that's crazy. He's like, yeah, I know, but, like, we'd be able to predict thoughts. Like, how fucking rat... Like, yes, it will end all human life.

He believes the alien thing. That's what I want to make clear, is he knows this will happen. He does it anyway as an act of stupid evil, not like hubris. This is not an interjection. I'm proceeding to the next part of the film. Because I struggled to, even somebody who doesn't understand how computers work, I'm trying to get a sense of how they thought computers worked. Because the threat now is that Goliath was a data gathering program

but not the one we were watching Ice Cube used earlier that let him literally spy on his daughter's refrigerator. And that one was fine. The movie thinks the movie's thesis has no problems with that. Goliath is something much worse, and they say, if the aliens locate Goliath and consume its data, the world will return to the Stone Age. So I don't, what does the writer, the guy who wrote that line,

how does he think I'm not saying I'm not comparing this to reality I'm saying what is his mental picture of how data works I can answer that he thinks all of the data will now be in one place and that means when the aliens eat it all of the data will be gone like that's absolutely it yeah yeah he thinks that like if you eat a fact from the computer that fact ceases to exist in reality like if the computer they were like like you know basic physics and then they ate the physics, we would no longer, humans would no longer understand basic physics. Right. Their copy of Red Sonia, the one that Goliath just ate, if they eat that, all Red Sonia

dies across all devices. And our memories, more tragically, our memories of it. We'll have no idea what Ice Cube is reacting to. We won't even know. That's what I think his understanding is. I could be wrong, but I think that's what it is. So when Ice Cube was on the set of this film, when I say on the set of this film, I mean in his home. In his breakfast, nook.

In his kitchen. When he read the line, when you turned on Goliath, it rang a dinner bell that traveled through the whole galaxy. What do you think he thought this movie was about? When you turned on Goliath, it rang a dinner bell that traveled throughout the whole galaxy. aliens are hungry for giant cock he thought it was he thought it was some kind of pornography but like one of these ones the kids are into where it's all like weird CG and stuff

I just feel like knowing that turning this on will summon aliens and your reaction is like yeah but we'll get to know what they're thinking before they think and it's such a cartoonish and pointless thing that very much does not solve the problem of aliens it's like if someone said hey don't eat that ice cream you'll die and you said you fool this ice cream worth $14 million in my tummy.

It's like, no, no, no, no. What you did is ignore the thing I said and then said something unrelated and insane. And that's now the plot of the movie. Mm-hmm. Yes. I don't think I explain that well, but neither did the film. So he's been warned,

the director Briggs has been warned that turning on Goliath will draw the aliens. And this is all just to, as Ice Cube says, spy on people's Amazon carts. Now, this is the third time he's said spying on people's Amazon carts in the movie. I'm worried. I'm worried the movie thinks that's the movie's theme,

that the movie's theme is don't spy on people's Amazon carts. That surely can't be right. What is the screenwriter buying that this is such a recurring theme? What is he so guilty about putting in his cart? We'll check back in on that later. I'm sure that one's not going to. stick. So Ice Cube confronts Director Briggs.

He gets fired and his access is revoked to all of his master spy programs. So he joins his son's hacker group. And their plan is to poison the alien's food source with bad data. That's maybe one of the dumbest things I've ever said out loud. I feel like you put. that on the whiteboard in the writer's meeting and say like, okay, how do we take this idea and turn it into something we put in the movie? Wait, you know what? It was actually that thing we said about furry porn. That's actually what happened in the movie. That's what they're doing.

They're doing our plan. We thought we were making a joke. We just forgot about the movie we watched because that's their plan is to create bad data that makes the aliens sick. It's going to make the aliens have diarrhea. And that's really the pull out the plot of this movie. Also, the hackers say they will only help him write the virus that will save the world if they get total immunity because they're upset that like a Fed has been brought into their group. So to get them total immunity, he searches in a little search box for their records and deletes

them. Okay, that's your interjection. Which happened in Act 1, if I'm remembering this movie correctly. I believe, okay, I don't have this in my notes, but I believe it's not delete. I believe there's a submenu. He hits file and it says like give immunity. Okay. He has a give immunity button and then it deletes them.

It says something very similar to that. It does not say delete. It's like render immune or something. Because he just, that's what keeps happening in the movies. He'll just go up to a drop-down file and then it'll be like commandeer drone. Like, huh. God, it's funny that I needed that. Take over Tesla.

All right. Hit that was easy button. Sure thing. Hold A to defeat aliens So Ice Cuba gets his son's hacker's YouTube account login And he posts a video

Breaking open the whole Goliath conspiracy Showing the world how Briggs is behind it And they can all watch it On their computers and internet Which are totally fine That's the plot That's the plot is that The whole world now knows

They're all watching YouTube just fine after all the data was eaten. He even photoshopps himself into the disruptor avatar just to make absolutely sure they arrest him after this. Now, this only would have taken a few minutes, but I think he did not have time for this. And this pointless endeavor was not useful. New stories, like headlines are popping up about it instantly

before the video was done playing, because he has like another tab opening his little alerts. And as he's watching the video play, the alert of like, New York Times has already written a story about this. So like either, maybe they're all using AI too. It's crazy what this movie thinks time is. I think that's the weirdest thing about this movie is what, how it thinks time must flow. It's so uniquely wrong about every single thing.

About problems it creates, it fucks up. But the nature of time is crazy. I agree. Man, you know, you know how minutes go, right? Like, you guys know that they go one after the other and not, they don't all happen. at the same time. Like, curing a ripped off leg with packing tape, I'm like, okay, maybe you just, maybe you don't have like a medical degree, that's fine.

But you don't know how minutes work. Yeah, you still pass through the day like the rest of us, right? It's fucking crazy. All right, so they launch, this disruptor group launches the virus. And yeah, it literally makes all the aliens sick, which they show by the aliens, like, opening their mouths, which are their weapons, and just going like, bog, fog. like they're like they've all got food poisoning and they're all falling over and just barfing up bad data it this would have been a great time to like do a joke to have them like

they're singing like we built this city by starship or whatever like a really bad song they're like we we sick into the aliens with our terrible thing I don't know it's a bad example but like yeah that would have ruled if this was an airplane style comedy like it'd be some which is one of the many ways to save this movie that this movie did not take. You hear the voice of the Rizzler over and over again. Yes. Just the Costco guys, that skibbitty toilet song just echoing. And I'm surprised it didn't.

This was clearly made by my boomers who have no idea how the world works or technology works. It really should, that should be the joke is like, you fucking kids. But it's not. None of it's a joke. They're very serious about all of this, including the part where. all of the aliens start barfing up bad data. Yeah, that's really cool. No, it's not cool.

I know it's a riff on the War of the Worlds. We gave them a virus thing. We gave them a computer virus. But that's sort of famously been done. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, and one of the most successful films of all time. Right. It's one of the biggest blockbusters from 30 years ago.

Virtuosity? Yes. That's exactly what we're talking about. So now the aliens, but the aliens fight back by eating the hackers' data and finding out where the Goliath really is. They go kill all the disruptor group of hackers, including apparently Ice Cube's son by blowing up his house. Only not really. And I'm giving you, it seems like I'm jumping ahead and not allowing you to process that loss. I'm about in sync with the movie.

So the movie's like, oh my God, he's dead. Wait. no he's not no he's not you guys he was in a different room the whole time using a green screen I can't remember which reaction they chose for this but I think it was the one where he kind of pops up out of his chair and his chair sort of

falls over oh damn my son got oh come on okay I I do have to confess something here because the biggest the most viral clips from this film it's Ice Cube reacting in a very mild way to

you know an entire city being destroyed or whatever. It's like, huh? I will confess, if you had went and found me on 9-11, 2001, sitting in front of my old PC watching 9-11 happen, my reaction really was like, oh, oh, ooh, that's, huh. I wasn't like running around screaming. It was just like, oh, geez, that's, the way it played out, because the news hit that a plane had hit the World Trade Center, and instantly they thought it was like, people did know it was a 747 or whatever. They thought it was like a private jet or something because people thought it was an accident that this, oh my gosh, a pilot has passed out behind the wheel and crashed into into the tower. And the video was just of smoke coming out. The elderly man

who worked in the office with me came in to work. And of course, he did not, you know, had no idea what was going on. There were no smartphones back then. He didn't use the internet or anything and hadn't happened to them watching news. So he walks in the door and I said, a plane hit the World Trade Center, he looks at me and says, was it bin Laden? Immediately somehow knew, almost like he knew in advance, everything. Did you take that guy down? It would be a long time before. At the time, I didn't know what that name was.

I didn't know who he was talking about. I didn't know what that... No, it's not your friend. What are you talking about? Like weeks later, it's like we think Osama bin Laden has taken responsibility. I was like, wait a second, did George know the details of this attack upon walking in the door of the office and having his young, like, employee say, that plane ran into the World Trade Center is almost like, oh, it was today then. That guy was a fucking spook. That guy was there monitoring your office.

There was somebody in your office, he suspected. It wouldn't occur to me until months later. What a crazy reaction that was. So he just instantly, like, oh, they've done it already. What about, what of the Pentagon? Like, nobody said anything about the, what are you talking about? Anyway, that was the last we saw of George. He was gone after that.

I can't believe we burned our interjections on 9-11. Yeah, okay. This will all be cut. We have to keep the podcast to an hour. That's very important. The sponsors demand it. Yeah, if this is going to see any success, covering this timely material

it'll have to be under an hour surely we'll manage that feat so Ice Cube Ice Cube got his son's hacker account he posted that video they launched the virus it made all the aliens sick and his son's alive everything's come up Ice Cube so far

and then Sandra NASA calls and she calls to show him the datamites and Ice Cube gets his son and daughter on the line and remember his daughter is a genius biologist who just so happens to have written the right, as they say, biological cannibal code they need. Okay, now hold on. I haven't used an interjection for a while,

so I want to use one now. We all used it for 9-11. Sarah NASA says, she... Oh, damn it. What has 9-11 cost us? The exact line she says that she's examined one of the mites under a microscope and says, they're a hybrid organism, biological and It's such a shame you had to use your

biological part that they can hack. They're like, since it's biological, that means we can go into the blood and type commands in the blood, which again, it feels like so specifically wrong. You've both used your interjections on this. You've both burned them and I want you to know, I want you to know it was for nothing. It looks like plastic metal and silicon.

Right. Like everything. you'd expect to see on a microchip but look here oh damn why is it blood inside of a computer they're a hybrid organism biological and cyber i mean look there's even dna dna if life and computers become a oh my god oh my god fay do you have access to your cannibal code you know about that these things are alive. That means we can kill them. It's never been tested. They're a hybrid organism. Biological and cyber again. I haven't used an interjection for a while, so I want to use one here. If you are any

aspiring storytellers, novelists, or screenwriters out there, I want you to watch this movie and take note that he has a son who's a hacker and a daughter who's a biologist. So because of that they decide that the aliens need to be biological and cyber so that the daughter can hack their DNA and the son can hack their software so the two of them can work together but for that to happen they had to make it so the aliens were cyborgs and each part of them had to separately be hacked in two different ways in the storytelling world we call that a hat on a hat it's it's where you didn't need to repeat those. You could have just had one, one child that just does one type of hacking. I think they call it a biological and cyber. Yes. This could, in a good screenplay,

the family would be estranged and like this would be how the family came together was to combine their skills to defeat this very unique situation. But yeah, that's not what happened here. I think what happened here is they're like, okay, Ice Cube pages are coming in. What we need is just like 30 different reactions to many different possibilities. Throw a chair over, drop your coffee, Just do whatever you got to do. Just give us some options. I'm going to burn an interjection here, and I'm not going to ache myself for it. Something we haven't mentioned is how many lines or very close to lines from other better movies this movie keeps dropping?

Like, they drop a little bit of war games earlier. Like, it's on top of all of the other sins that this movie has, it's also kind of ready player one. Yeah, it's a ready player one. You heard a little predator there at the end. If it's got blood, we can kill it. But they do the titch of the line in this movie. They say, we got a real war of the world's on our hands. And Ice Cube does the Brendan Fraser clap to it.

That really happened. Oh, there's too much. Okay. So they're going to modify the daughter's cannibal code to attack DNA. Ice Cube, his job is to get it into Goliath, which we learn has been downstairs from him the whole time. It's in his basement. It's in the basement of the building he is standing in right now. So all he has to do is go downstairs

Didn't his son know this too? Didn't his son? He's like, hey, yeah, I hacked your thing. It's where you work, Dad. Still, at an hour and 12 minutes into this film, Ice Cube leaves that room. And it blew my mind. I did not think that was going to happen. Like, it's probably just his house that he's going downstairs in.

To give him the body of a horse was a pretty big surprise, too. Holy shit, Centaur the whole time. Throw him the waist down, you never see him. He just gets up, no pants. That's my easy joke. So, but Director Briggs is going to blow up the DHS headquarters to bury it in rubble so the aliens can't get it. And they tell us the blast radius will be five miles. To collapse a building, they just want to collapse the rubble.

They don't want to, they don't think this is going to destroy Goliath. down there. They're like, we just have to collapse the building on top of it. Time to drop a nuclear bomb and destroy five miles of territory. Ice Cube, so he's, well, he wants to just jog downstairs with the code. But Sandra Nassau points out, that's data. They'll eat you. So if you have, if you have data on you, they'll eat you. They don't just eat data. They can't eat you. And that's if you have a smart, if you have like, a game boy on you? Right. Again, like, what a different movie this could have been if it was a predator situation and they're like, you know, people are throwing away their phones so the aliens can't see them?

Like, it's a comet. It's a bad comment. But it's a comet. Yeah. Just live life in the moment. Okay. So it's time now for the big final sacrifice, the big finale. Ice Cube has to run downstairs with the data to poison Goliath so that the aliens will

all get sick. Again, it's so stupid, I'm sorry, I have to say these words. Here's something even stupider. Ice Cube doesn't have a thumb drive to get the data downstairs. And they all pause and make fun of him for that for a little bit. But Mark, the Amazon driver boyfriend, does have a thumb drive. It's a very stupid problem. You know what they say?

Stupid problems require stupid solutions. All right, the code is ready. I'm sending it you now. Put it on a thumb drive. I don't have a thumb drive. What do you mean you don't have a thumb drive? What? Boy, this is a top secret military installation.

They don't let thumb drives in the building. States can load it here and I can get it to you. Prime Air. Prime air available now. Oh, it's the future of delivery. They've been training us for months. I need you to place an official order on Amazon to activate the drone. Nice.

A couple of notes there. He says, Prime Air, and then you heard the sound of a zipper. That was not him unzipping his pants to whip out his dong. Yeah, I got it right here. Whoever wrote this can suck this. I got your Prime Air right here. But also, he makes him go to Amazon's website and order a thumb drive because that's the only way that, Amazon will unlock the drone so he can fly it manually into the building because he's going to try to fly this drone, not to the building, but through the door somehow, downstairs, through all of the doors directly to him in the basement.

But to make that happen, Ice Cube has to place an order on Amazon and use Prime Air as his delivery method. So Amazon up and running, credit cards up and running, payment records, up and running. And so all of those people who were bankrupt earlier, it's not clear to me. Yeah, how are you buying it? I think you're bankrupt. I guess until they get it all lined out. Here's the thing I think might be more troubling to worry about. It's like during a part of the process of producing this movie, someone at Amazon said,

hey, and the final act, can we have them solve the problem by ordering a thumb drive from Amazon? And instead of saying, no, fuck you, the script is done. And the screenwriter said, absolutely, sir, I'll have that on your desk by the end of the day. And that's, it's not ironic. It's not subverted in some way. It's not like wink-wink product placement. The only thing that can save the day is ordering a product on Amazon.com. So, bombers are on the way.

The aliens are advancing on the DHS. Ice Cube is running down the stairs to the server room. And Mark says, your package is on the way. Classic catchphrase of Amazon. This is by far the highest budget seen in the movie. It's not high budget, but it's the highest budget seen in the movie. It's a real CGI-heavy

POV shot of an Amazon drone making a priority delivery as aliens try to shoot it down. That's the finale of the movie. What if this was like an internal team building Amazon project that just accidentally got leaked? This is very much like

they used to make commercials like this, especially in like 80s and 90s, where it would be very, like, we've recut footage from the movie and made it look like our product had something like, oh, Duracel batteries, or what made that lightsaber turn back on. Like, and it was a little hokey. It was a little cheesy. We didn't put it in the movie, uh, because that was fucking stupid. But here we've, I can't believe they put it in the movie. This is the finale of the movie as product placement. And it's not over. The drone takes a hit and lands upside down and they think, well, that was it. That's the end of the world. Except they see a homeless man taking cover in the background and through their Department of Homeland Security Software, they know they click on him and they show his phone number because they all know. Of course, he not only has a phone, we can see his name, we can scan his face, get his phone number, and then we can interject and start sending. him messages and so they do that. That's the grounding you'll need for this next clip.

So she's texting to him, telling him to flip the drone. She offers him a free internet. She offers him an Amazon gift card for a thousand bucks. Hurry. Hurry. Come on. Come on. Yes.

Oh my god. Come on, come on, come on. Amazing. That he has the power to give anyone a $1,000 gift card is pretty stunning. An Amazon driver, yes. But also, like, I feel like this would be, like, a bomb going off for, like, a mentally ill homeless person to receive a text from the government telling them to run across the street during a meteor shower. Like, I feel like they would know that's a trap. everything has been confirmed true

this scene by itself if this was the only scene i had seen from this film i would think that's actually pretty good because the idea that if you have the context strip strip away everything else you know about the movie these guys got a fly drone from a to b to get a thumb drive to somebody like let's in a normal movie that could be a decent plot point like not not if the guy has godlike powers but it's just like a hacker and then they've got to like get a thumb drive across town and then it gets slapped out of the air and it's on its back and then you're helpless because drones once they are turned over they

I have one they can't do anything the idea of having to like call a nearby homeless man and bribe him to come flip it over that's very funny like that's legitimately I would I would have that scene in one of my as like because you've got all of this tech and it's it's useless to you so you've got to go to this guy like I will give you a thousand dollars to just go flip that drone over it. That would be something in a Zoe novel. I would absolutely be proud of writing that scene. It's just that, if it's not occurred to the listeners at this point,

the only way Ice Cube is able to save the world is because he has God-like surveillance powers. Do you understand, this is not him learning that he was wrong to spy on everyone? his ability to spy on everybody including a local homeless man with no criminal record he's not under surveillance he can just instantly get into his phone find out who he is send him money

probably take money from him if you wanted that that ability that's the only thing that saves the world if the world had slightly better privacy and data security we would be doomed or if we didn't have the just flawless

delivery of Amazon.com the world would be doomed because Amazon has saved the world. Let me check. Like, how many times his Ice Cube saved the world here? He's working on one. Same for all the other characters. They're working on one. They're going to get a maximum of one.

Amazon just saved the world twice in this finale. Amazon is the main character of this movie. And my favorite character, the one with the most personality, easily. It's Amazon.com. I just bought a pen from them.

All right. So they get the drone to Ice Cube and he just runs down to the basement and it meets him down there. It's all in the same location. He's been there the whole time. It's fucking crazy that they made that decision that like, oh, no, now Ice Cube, he's got to go downstairs. You're like, all right. Doesn't seem like a lot of task. I am shocked that they did not reveal that it was in a cabinet in the room with him.

It was just under his desk. Goliath is the guy that works behind me. It's just his workstation. Oh, damn. Oh, my God. So his son, he gets down to the server room and his son, Dave the hacker, tells him,

Dad, Dad, the USB input. It's right on the server face. Isn't Ice Cube supposed to be one of the best hackers in the world? You've got to tell him what a USB port is? What are these rectangles, son? It's not going in. You've got to flip it, Dad. It's still not going in.

It says, Skibbony. Rizzler. What does that mean, Keith? So he plugs in the USB as the alien data tentacles grab him and I was kind of excited when the alien data tentacles started grab an ice cube. I was like oh yeah, here we go. It's the

final. Yeah, it's evil dead. It's the evil dead tree. This is what they learned. When we fed them our data, this is what they learned. We taught them. You're right. We learned it for watching you. That would be that would be such a great moment of hubris if like we had opened on Ice Cube writing tentacle porn and being like, yeah, I post this anonymously. They're never going to know it's me.

And then at the end, they download and eat that data and know what to do with him. Perfect movie. Again, we can make that happen with the performance footage we are given from Ice Cube here. Please get to work on that, listeners at home. It works. His plan works. He plugs the USB drive in. All the aliens get super sick from eating data, poisonous data.

And they start barfing up data again and start dying. this the stupidest thing I've ever said for the third time this podcast. We cut to real sentimental music as his kids read like an email. He never had the courage to send them. And it's like, oh, no, oh, RIP, Ice Cube. He died how we lived, getting penetrated in every orifice. There are multiple ticking clocks here because it's not just the aliens trying to violate him with their tentacles. Remember, they've ordered this nuclear strike on the capital. So the countdown to the nuclear bomb's landing is there's three seconds left and Ice Cube inserts the USB drive and they say abort, abort. So why did the bomber pilots, what told them

that, what were they able to observe from wherever they were flying that, oh, he has uploaded a cannibal virus? Yeah, that's a good point. You see what I'm saying? Like, It seemed like it was kind of too late for them to turn back at that point. Like, I kind of thought the point was going to be. He uploaded the virus, but he got blown up anyway because, well, yeah, they've already launched. I would love it if they're like, the airspace is, the airspace isn't clear. What is this? And then they cut to a thousand dollars worth of vodka just being delivered with drones, like, to that homeless guy.

I think, I personally, I think, I think the movie should have just. hard cut out when those tentacles grabbed him and started dragging them away. Maybe if you want to be like soprano style cut to black and then have the sound of like some khakis ripping and like just tasteful end it right there. Oh damn. No like we need to do something. Ice keep would have to say something. You're right. To sort of put a button on the scene. But then it ends on the theme of like you see he's been violating our privacy all this time. Now his privacy has been violated and it all comes full circle. Amazon Prime. Amazon.com

A special rest in peace Amazon.com And we're brought to you by Cool Ranch Doritos. No, Ice Cube is not dead. It's all a fake out. It's another pointless fakeout. I think every single member of his family

gets a pointless fakeout death in this movie. It's like the one emotional move they know how to do. Except for the wife. The wife is dead. She is dead. That's true. She doesn't get to come back through they shoot out the data and his wife's

like that. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? just a hologram of his way only now she can only say skibbity rizzle because it's

because she's built with shit data so ice kid's the aftermath it's now I don't know months later Ice Cube accepts a call from a government official who it's the guy that's been on the golf course the whole time he wants Ice Cube to develop a new gentler program to spy on the American

public one that he says one that spies on them but doesn't violate their privacy. Is that word for word what he says? Yeah, pretty much. Oh, man. It's one that spies on them but doesn't violate the price. A new security protocol that doesn't invade people's privacy.

Yep. Yeah. So the theme of the movie is, I guess that surveilling people is bad, but like that's the lie we tell ourselves where, in fact, it's actually the most important thing to the world and to outer space. I actually have the theme of the movie right here. Oh, thank you. I just got off of the president. He wants you to pioneer

a new data collecting protocol that doesn't invade people's personal privacy. Sorry, sir, but not for me. I beg your pardon. It's more important things to do than to worry about what's in people's Amazon car. Yeah, that was the theme.

The movie thought that was its theme. It opened by saying that. That's one of the first lines they said. They repeated it several. times throughout, and he gets the final line. There are more important things to do than worry about what's in people's Amazon cards. That's what we've learned today, everybody. Yeah.

A beautiful motif and theme. And character arc for Amazon. It's really... Oh, you know what? I got one more interjection. Hold on. Don't ape me. I'm the only one with that power right now. I'm not going to ape myself. There is a point where Ice Cube gets grabbed by

like an enemy data tentacle, like a non-sexy one. and he says move bitch get out the way and like a reference to his famous song only hold on hold on that's not his song that's a ludicrous song that means this was probably written for ludicrous originally no

it's the only thing that makes sense they were too lazy to change the line and Ice Cube didn't give a shit he obviously doesn't give a shit because that means ludicrous will turn down a role that Ice Cube will accept that's the bombshell I think the big thing

from my point of view is when readers in 1898 were reading the original H.C. Wells novel and saw the line move bitch get out the way I think at the time

I can see why they were blown away by this, the same as the walking tripod machines would have seemed like magical technology at the time and all the references to Amazon

and, you know, USB drives, at the time, that probably did sound like wizardry. But I think now, you know, 120 years later, I think it's time to throw the story in the trash. I think so much of that, the cracks in his writing style, I think this, this adaptation just reveals it. I mean, they eat data. Like, it just, again, they didn't have computers back then. I get it.

being impressed by that kind of writing, but... God, can you imagine how powerful it would be, though, seeing, like, opening the page and seeing data is their food, and you'd be like, fuck, nobody's ever said that before. I barely, I don't even know what that means. That's incredible. Part cyber? Wow. Biological and cyber?

That's a line so good. It's worth saying twice. I've got to go feed those hogs now. I've read it. I'm going to be thinking about this the whole time during hog feeding time. Or somebody would give me my $1,000 gift card to flip those hogs. They don't give me shit. That's a lot of money back now.

I haven't. I think it just, I've been trying to think about the move bitch get out the way. I think this, the writer thought that was an ice cube. Either way, he did not give enough of a shit to correct it. Ice cube probably would have given the note. My song was Fuck the Police. And maybe earlier in the movie, we could name my butthole the police. and then

hear me out sound of cacky's all right that's it that's all we're allowed to talk about in this movie according to the

terms we had to negotiate meet us in the bonus episode for just kind of a free-for-all and the shit

we didn't get to talk about or here's my alternate proposal don't Einstein 100 Frankfurt

Einstein Our 9-900, Frankfurt! Our podcast can't! And with maximal in show! Say Frankfurt podcast? Correct. Yeah! The craft is nitratis not under!

Shicked you in the Huntersown, four an hour an hour and a stunder. Come, John, you know now. 1,900. 1,900, Frankfurt 1, 9900, yeah. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1,900.

Einstein, Ruder, Frankfurt! Once no, I'm new and new, yeah! 9,000!