The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 241, ZORANN: STAR WARRIOR with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: August 20, 2025

Lydia Bugg is back to talk about "Zorann: Star Warrior," a Conan the Barbarian ripoff that begins with bitching and moaning, and ends with bitching and moaning. Somewhere in between the petulance exists a realm of limited possibilities, copyright adjacent ineptitude, and psychic sex pterodactyls.

1,900, hot dog 1,900, hot dog Out podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on, you know the number

1,900 1,900 hot dog 1190,000, Welcome to 9,000, hot dog The official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's last comedy website. I'm Cavehunk from the stars, Robert Brockway, and with me, as always, is my psychic sex teardactyl, Sean Baby. I was hoping I'd get psychic sex teradactyl. Hi, I'm psychic sex taraductal.

And our guest today, she owns a rock that will kill everyone in the world if she doesn't rub it every six months. Don't read into that. It's Lydia Bogg. I'm really jealous of the psychic sex teradactyl. In your face, rub rock. It was such a debate who to give it to. I think Sean has more ancient gym owner energy to me.

See, that's it. He's got that. It's fucked up. I can picture that sparkle. Right off the bat. It's a hostile podcast. We're going to fight this whole episode. I can tell.

Got a little mental sparkle to him that I just, I can't deny. Okay, well, it's not a bad role to have the owner of the ancient gem, I guess. Yeah, I mean, I'll take it. You gotta rub that gem off every six months or it's going to kill a whole world. Or opens a hell portal.

I, for one, think you shouldn't own that gem. I don't think anyone should. It's weird that we got the gem. Anyway, before we get into it, Lydia, where can people find more from you? They can find me every Monday. at 1,900 hotdog.com. I don't know if you've heard of it.

It's a really good comedy website where I write an article about things like I watched 58 McDonald's commercials from other countries recently and wrote about it. And yeah, that's the main place you can find me. I also have a book on Amazon called Healthy Choices. It's a horror novella.

Oh, and I'm on TikTok again. I made a Hulk Hogan TikTok that made $500. Wow. Yeah, because people were mad that I was, like saying true facts about Hulk Hogan's life and they got really mad in the comments. So I got $500 and it was great. Thank you. That is like that's a little bit more than we would have paid you for an article about

Hulk Hogan. It is, yeah. Not by much though. Masculating. Not really by that much though. No. Yeah. It was a lot less work though.

Oh, okay. I see. I see how it is. If only more Hulk Hogan's would die, then you'd just be laid back bringing in that sweet, sweet money. Yeah, if only Hulk Hogan could die every single week, my life would be great. Let's kill him again. That's the sentiment I got from the internet when he did die.

I mean, I grew up a Hulkomaniac, but I realized that it did not age well, most of Hulk Hogan's antics. Yeah. And as someone who worked in media, like, I think I have a right to hate Hulk Hogan, because he did sort of kill all media with that Peter Thiel lawsuit. He did, yeah. And I didn't even, I wasn't even like, oh, I'm glad. I had Hulk Hogan's dead.

I was like, Hulk Hogan secretly wanted to be like a food influencer. Here's like all of the times that he tried and failed to get into like food Influenia. My favorite. My favorite one is he tried to do a George Foreman grill, but his exploded. Yeah.

Like bite his eye. Amazing. Yeah, that was part of it. No, it was. They had that in the reality show, reality show where he was talking about how like, goddamn, like they all have the same agent, him and George Foreman and some other guy.

And like they went to George Foreman first. And George Foreman's like, sure, I'll take the grill. And then Hulk Hogan got stuck with some other product, the Thunder Mixer, which I own and I love it. You do really? Also explodes by design. Oh, my God.

And it was my Warcraft name when I played Warcraft. Oh, it's a good Warcraft name. And, yeah, and he, like, on the show was talking about, like, God damn, if I only I had that grill, I'd have lots more money. And so then he's like, you know what? Fuck it. I could just make my own grill, but apparently he could not. Sean, it's actually funnier than that even because I learned from TikTok comment

that the creator of the George Foreman Grill came out and said that was a lie, that he never offered it to Hulk Hogan. Oh, that's awesome. I love that. He invented this dream. He's such a fucking liar. That dead guy was such a fucking liar. He really was.

He really was. And the Thunder Mixer, I talked about that too, doesn't actually blend, correct? It just simply mixes. It's just for like the shelf, but my buddy Crispin bought a Thunder mixer and used it in the office. and it broke after like two shakes. Just instantly was just a fucking slurry of blades. You can't use it to blend. No chunks.

It's a good point. It was crazy. He tried so many times. It was like his big dream to just do something with food. He had like burgers and like a frozen burgers, frozen chicken sandwiches. He had like an energy drink. He's just like, please, please let me do this. And he failed spectacularly every single time.

Yeah. He had so many. bad side hustles. I just don't see that guy and think, I want to, I want to eat something from him. You know what I mean? Like, I see George Foreman. I'm like, that guy probably makes a good burger. Like, I know that's probably, that's not true. It doesn't have anything to do with it. But I look at Hulk Hogan, I'm like, oh, that guy's eating some, like, spoiled alligator or something. Yes. Well, always Sunny made that famous observation that he has the skin of a hot dog. So maybe if he had, if he had done hot dogs. Yeah, he should do a hot dog.

Turner, like they have at 7-Eleven. Yeah. So, Foreman's got burgers. He's that dog. Yeah. The Thunder Roller. Like a Japanese commercial with him, like, rolling around. Thunder Roller, yes.

That's what he should have been. Yeah. Not appetizing, but like fun. All right. Somebody bring Hulk Hogan back to life. We got a pitch for him. And Liddy needs to kill him again. Yes, there we go.

That's Liddy's side hustle. It's murdering Hulk Hocon. I also just need to say, in my research for that, I found that if you go to the website for the Ultimate Grill now, his grill, It says, like, rest in peace, Holokogen. Also, if you own an Ultimate Grill, they've all been recalled, please return it. Do not, don't fire it up in his honor. You're legally not allowed to.

You will join him. If you fire it up in his honor, you'll soon be with him. All right, Sean, anything you would like to promote today. Oh, yeah, I'll plug 1,900 hotdog.com. It's the reason I'm always sleepy on this podcast. Like, for example, last night, I, um, You got to go where the art takes you, and I was working on something that kind of inspired me. I made an arcade game guide for a fake game that I invented about writing for Turboteen.

Like the idea was Turboteen had been on the air for 37 years, and you were a staff writer on that show trying to come up with new ideas for Turboteen to defeat with his ability to turn into a car. And so I thought, what if they made an arcade game about that job in 1985? and there's a strategy guide about that. Anyway, that took me 41 pages. And so I, yeah, I just didn't get any sleep because, like I said, I'm not going to do that and have it be three pages long. Like, I have to really explore that just so you can catch up with the fucking premise. Here's the great thing about our site. Here's my plug for our site.

Imagine pitching that to anybody else. Wouldn't even get through the start of it. No, it wouldn't even get through the, excuse me, Turbotine? What does that have to do? Do you think that's marketable? People haven't talked about that ever. Nope. They never talked about it.

It was never popular. When I searched for it, I got almost entirely Google matches for the podcast we did about it. And now here's six layers of obscurity. That's what we do. That's what we do. And premise and conceit. I'm sorry, I'll let you plug yours. Yes, I am legal.

I'm done talking about turbotene for now. I am legally obligated to plug mine. I have to promote my new book. My book contract had a bit in there about how I have to promote it on social media within a certain window. And as a joke, just a joke, I refuse to do that. Now, here's, I'll take a quick poll. How do you respond to jokes usually? A little chuckle?

Yeah, like a little bit of laughter? Maybe a little gaffe. Uh-huh. And Sean? Kick to the stomach. Okay, that's still, I'll still take it because neither of your answers were full asset seizure. Like that's, I feel like that's an inappropriate response to a joke. So, okay, my new book is called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200.

It comes out January 20th, 2026. And if you don't buy it right now, I'm going to prison and I'm taking everything you love with me. No more Turboteen. That's what the people clamor for. Hulk Hogan will come back to life if you don't buy Brockway's book. I will kill your imaginary friend for $200. Oh, please buy Brockway's book, everyone. That's the best plug I could possibly.

get uh yeah buy it you don't want to be responsible for that what's what's your problem uh today today we are going to talk about a comic book i love we're talking about zoran star warrior second it this is the fucking best yeah it's pretty incredible i have to say this is uh this is a sword and sorcery comic by my favorite maniac craig stormon uh Craig wrote his own comics he ran a publishing company for almost a decade called Blue Comet Press. He is uniquely crazy in the way that he was the editor-in-chief for that because it was kind of a vanity press. No, he had plenty of employees, but he was their most prolific creator and writer.

He made that press as a way just to get his own work out there. And yet as editor-in-chief of a comic press, he canceled everything he ever created within a very short period of time. He really, he, Craig Stormon editor really truly despised Craig Stormon writer. The longest running series he ever published was Life Brigade, and it made it to three issues. Most titles got canceled. And I'd say it overstayed it's welcome. Yeah, three issues was too many.

Most got canceled after a single issue. Some titles, he had a preview issue, a teaser issue for them, and then canceled it before the first issue. So technically, they never even started. It's amazing. Zoran is a lucky one. Zoran is a lucky one. It made it to two issues technically, but, spoiler. No, it didn't.

It was really only the one issue. Jesus. We'll talk about that. We'll get to the what's in the second issue in the bonus podcast. For right now, we're going to read the first issue, only issue published in. Here's the first shocker. 1994 is when this was published. published. Oh, wow. I would not have guessed that. Never in a million years. That's fucking

crazy. Like, I would have put this in the early 80s. Early 80s. And even then, like, a little too late. This editorial is really something. I'm sure you're going to get to it. Yeah, I will. Are we going to read this entire thing? Yes. It's so bitter and mean to the X-Men and I hate it. Sorry, I just have to say immediately, like his name drop of the X-Men is so distasteful. and it immediately made me not on his side. Yeah, that's the Craig Stormone way. Let's get right in, let's get into the editorial. We'll talk about it anyway.

Craig Stormond always starts off his comics, and that's right. I said starts his comics with a long unhinged editorial. And here is Zorantz. You, dear friend, are the lifeblood of the small independent comics market. How do I know? Easy. You bought this comic, a black and white comic from a small, independent publisher, Blue Comet Press.

But you were also very lucky because of the 3,000-some comic shops in the direct market, I figure less than a quarter are consistently buying our books, so you can even see them to make up. Hold on. It is already getting so bitter. Like, he is in the second sentence, and he's already pissing himself off. It's such a pleasant first sentence is what cracks me up. You, dear reader, why you've made a fine choice supporting us. independent artists, and not many fucking people are.

So you can even see them to make up your own mind if you want to buy them. We also have found we can't count on our regular buyers to continue handling our books. Well, okay, I want to stop you there because there is no such thing as a regular buyer for a Craig Stormon fucking title. You're not a regular publisher. You don't publish more than one issue. Sometimes zero. am I supposed to buy that? Yeah, you can't really keep up with the series if there's no series, so I don't know where

that complaints even coming from. It's crazy. If they have, meaning the comic bookshops, if they have too many Batman products to buy that month, they cut Blue Comet Press comics first. Instead of cutting a few X-Men or other DC or Marvel titles that are less popular and never sell out, they just cut the complete order from Blue Comet and other struggling small independents. Yeah, I stopped reading at that point. I was like, fuck this guy. This is really funny. I think it's funny just because, like, to compare yourself to Batman

and X-Men and call them, like, less popular than you when you're fucking Craig Stormont publishing a Conan knockoff in 1994. The reason he thinks that is because they never sell out. So he goes to the comic bookshop and he sees like the three copies he's put in their in their store have either sold out or been thrown on the floor more likely and then he's like but you always have X-Men nobody's buying X-Men no they buy more of the good ones because people like 30 copies of X-Men because people like that he didn't understand that that's the whole conceit of this rant is that he doesn't understand that the more popular things they buy more of so that they don't sell out. It feels like it's so childlike, I don't know, like, what do you call it?

Sophistic when like he's making an argument, but it's like just to be difficult. It's so fucking stupid at its core. I'm more popular than Batman. If you judge by this, by how my comics aren't in the store, what I'm, because everyone bought them all. Because they were dead one. Right. You're like, I guess you're, there's a chance you're not technically wrong, but you're clearly insane. Well, and just wanting to start your comic book with a long rant about how your comic books aren't popular. Yeah, it really gets you in the movie.

And it doesn't even matter how good or what top professional does the art and stories for the small independent. They are just totally dropped from the racks. We have artists like Tim Vigil, Ben Dunn, and Stephen Hughes, you know all of them,

of course, and the well-known professional, Del Barras. And still our sales are so low We're not sure we will make it And it's not because our books don't sell Seems like it is because of that though Doesn't it? Not as in all caps

Just so you know he's being a real bitch about this It's not because our books don't sell Our sales are so low We're not sure we'll make it And it's not because our books don't sell Huh Makes sense to me If they are put on the racks and given a chance, but when the regular customers that know they can sell our comics and have regular buyers for our comics still cut our orders, then we know we can't trust the direct market for anything.

Our futures will not work out in this kind of market. It also is another of the thousand heartbreaks that is professional comics as they are today. But knowing... So hold on. I think we're taking a turn here from bitterness. into like despair. So maybe we'll see if we can pull out of it. Yeah, well, surely he'll pull out of this.

But knowing that we have buyers that can't get our comics, doesn't get our books out, or make us enough money to make publishing comics worth it, but we aren't quitting. We are going to go to new markets and put our efforts into markets that we can trust. One small correction, we aren't quiting. I'm skipping over all of the spelling errors

because we would be here. This would be the whole podcast. Again, this is the editor. The editors, but we aren't quiting. We are going to go to new markets and put our efforts into markets that we can trust to continue selling our books as long as they are selling.

For now, we are going to concentrate our efforts in the L.A. area where we live. We are still going to solicit our comics to the direct market, so you may still see them if you have a smart comic shop in your area. Or you can order a subscription or buy copies directly from us, but we know we cannot survive on your mail orders.

We are going to work to start our own route of markets, bookstores, liquor stores, gift shops, and comic shops, or magazine counters here in the 6 million of people of Los Angeles. So he's like, I'm going to become a door-to-door salesman for my own comic books because I can't trust the comic bookstores. I'm going to sell them in liquor stores, baby. People love comic books in liquor stores. I'll take some Fifth of Jack Daniels

and whatever Conan knockoff black and white comics you got from a madman. Give me that independent comic book and what liquor pairs best with it so I can be drunk enough to enjoy this. A nice burgundy. Oh, okay, great. Maybe a dessert wine for his superhero comic? A mad dog, you say.

Oh, that's funny. I was going to get that anyway. Yeah, no, this is a mad dog comic. This is an Evan Williams comic. Bottom, sub-bottom shelf. So, to put it mildly, we are very hurt by our sales figures for our two latest comments. It's like a stand-up comedian complaining that no one's at his show to the people who came to his show. Instead of doing the show.

We thought we had begun. to build a following and our numbers were low but at least livable. Now maybe because of all the December Batman product. Calling it out. He hates Batman. At least it wasn't X-Man. Plus all the other costs of the season,

our sales are lower than we ever dreamed they could be. One of our titles went from 4,500 to 1,200 copies. Just unreasonable when the next copy has the same top pros that made it sell well before. He's got his own take on

this, but what I think happened is people bought it and didn't like it. Yes. Whoa, that's crazy. It's one explanation. It's just one possible explanation. Even though it had the same people, they didn't like it. Hmm. He also just doesn't get the natural fall off of anything, comic books especially, but any

series, like you go to the second one, you're going to lose people that just tried the first one just to try it, even if it's like, oh, it's not my thing. And then I don't hate it. Which, by the way, they would hate it. It was because they hated it, and it was bad. But even if that wasn't the case, you would still lose a significant amount of audience unless you became like a sleeper monster hit, which he obviously wouldn't know anything about. If you haven't noticed, many of the independents have disappeared,

and all of us are in big, big trouble. All of us! If you really like independent comics and having a choice besides Marvel and D.C., you had better start doing something to save the companies that are still left. This is no stretch of the truth. Marvel and DC are squeezing out the independence, and you are the losers. It's spelled it losers, but whatever.

It's back to the Dark Ages for Comics. That's the end of the editorial on the first page, and now to the second page, let's start the show, everybody. So we, we. should start by assuming this is better than Batman and X-Man. That's where we're going into it with that idea. But also, don't get too committed to this first issue because it's clearly doomed to failure. But a lot of that's market forces and Batman's fault. It's mostly Batman. I will say Del Barris, who I have at least heard the name before, he does a much

more confident job than you were used to seeing in Blue Comet Press comics. It's kind of a standard Conan, we'll just go through it. In the first panel, he is climbing a cliff, and he sees a dark shadow in the distance on the air. He looks up and finds like a really generically designed teradactal monster descending upon him. It's kind of nothing. It's kind of something.

It doesn't say anything. We are not given any, like, context for it. It's like a dungeon master's tattoo. It's not, it's like... Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. It's nothing special. It also doesn't say anything. We get no context for it. He hurls a bolo around its legs and then cuts it in half and then holds the bolt of his swords to the air for no reason and screams, gods of the planet, Reynald, give your son's strength. Give my weapons your power. Let us do your bidding. Okay, so right here I turned on this hard because this is just Conan, but at least Conan's gods like have names and like, personalities, I guess.

And so for this, like, you could tell the world building's bad when this guy's like, whatever you call the guys who run the religion here, which we also have it named. And also, I'll do whatever. Yeah. I don't really have a goal in mind. So if you do, like, I'll build

a shed. I could do some plumbing. I can kill another pteradactal monster. I'm not really sure why I did that. We're on page zero and we're out of ideas. Like this planet's Superman or something. I guess. Yeah, maybe.

Who knows? The next page, some dinosaurs are standing by a volcano, and the text reads, Rinald, a very young planet in what would be our Cretaceous period, the age of the dinosaur. But with a few differences, one main difference is people have already evolved. It's like he's explaining to the reader like something I guess he should have like discussed in a pitch meeting with like a different writer I guess I don't know it this isn't like consumer facing copy is it's maybe the technical term yeah remember this is 1994 when like many many properties like land of the lost we've been briefed on this herculoids is another just like yeah

people and dinosaurs it's not that crazy if it had just said rhinald world of dinosaurs and man done sure and awesome one differences people have evolved. No, listen, okay, you know how there's dinosaurs on Earth, right? Okay, now picture that. Hold that in your head. Are you got it? Now imagine people.

And though there are people, they're already in trouble. A woman and her child are just kind of near these warring dinosaurs screaming, no, aye, and help. And then we get a close up on the back of the woman and child, and she is fully kicked up wearing a fur thong. Yeah, most of my notes are about this woman. outfit. Almost everything I've written is about her outfit and her looks. My first one was, I believe, oh, people have evolved. And apparently they also evolved a Sephora because she's

wearing a full bead of makeup. She's wearing full makeup. The fur thong, I would not recommend anyone try. Fur thong, but also knee-length, high-heeled boots. Now when she says, hold on, when she says high-heeled, you're picturing, you're maybe picturing like caveman boots with a high-heeled. No. No, they're stilettos. They're like, no technology has evolved except for their high heel game. Their high heel game. I feel like if he wasn't a madman, this would be rad. I feel like this would have like a heavy metal radness to it.

But no, that's not what we're dealing with here. So there's a big squirming phallic tentacle after them, and Zoran swings down from a nearby vine and scooped him up. And then we see their faces. And like Lydia said, she's beautiful. made up, like, straight out of a, straight out of a Sephora. The child... We're wearing earrings, too, also. Yeah, earrings, also.

No pants, but she has earrings. The child will be a struggle for the artist, for Del Barris, from here on out. The child will be his worst enemy. He will never be drawn the same in a panel twice. He gives him, like, six-pack abs at one point in a distant panel at the bottom, and then later he has a normal, like, little child tummy. Like, in this panel, he's got a, he's got a big. pot belly. He's got really little shriveled legs and huge ape arms. And future panels, he'll

have little dwarf arms and like huge pecks. He just does not, this child is the scourge of Dilberus's existence. And the child says, you saved our lives, Zoran. And he was, he says, it was nothing, tie, my lad. Then the, uh, the woman's, he knows them. He knows them. And the woman speaks and says, thank you, Zor. I am very grateful, spelled wrong. Come to my dwelling tonight for a feast. And I'll show you my gratitude warrior. And it's just real horny, real horny look. Yeah, super bedroom eyes. To which he says, he included the stumble.

I dash I. I wouldn't miss it for all the jewels and Reinhold. As if to say, you're really horny for me in front of your child. Like, you almost just died. What has happened? I really thought he'd have more game than this. Like when he swooped in on the Tarzan rope, I'm like, oh, they're going to fuck. This is some Boris Vallejo stuff.

She threw him off. Yeah, and, and yeah, he's, he's just fully stumbly, like, yeah, I don't know, I just figured he could fuck. Sor and star nerd, nerd of the future. I think he probably did. He tripped over a rock. He's like backing away from her so hard. And to which he says, oops, oh, no. Which is a great thing to say.

Because he knows he blew it. He had this sheer thing. Okay, her underpants in this next panel are so small that I thought she should. was just nude. Like, they kind of look like just the artist's suggestion of, like, of hips. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, did she already take up for bannies?

And she's out in the jungle where there's poison ivy. And she's just, like, begging to get poison ivy, like, on her vagina in this outfit. Like, it's, ah. She's so covered in scrapes and funguses. He just was not ready for a sexually powerful woman like this. She laughs at him, which you probably shouldn't do to a super powerful nerd in the middle of the jungle. That's true.

But I think it kind of works. Like, this is just the push and pole of their love. She says, yes, mighty warrior, but be careful not to kill yourself on the way, Giggle. And then the text below says, The Happy Trio,

don't realize how prophetic these last words may be. He's going to kill himself. Yeah, he can't resist just revealing stuff. Later, there will be death in my sword and sorcery comic. But also, she said,

don't kill yourself. on the way. Not like watch out or there's danger. Yeah, that's true. Maybe he's referencing how he's going to cancel the comic in like 20 pages. Oh, there it is. This is my favorite part. This is what makes one of my favorite is this next panel. The next panel is just Zoran walking along and he's thinking, ah, tonight, it will be more like heaven than heaven itself. And itself is a bizarre typo like IT apostrophe s space self it is self but the rest then the next panel he's sitting like on a rock with his his chin on his fist just like wistfully looking off down a canyon and he's still thinking ah tonight he's like dangling his little feet he's over the edge just kicking his feet and

thinking about how he's going to kiss his girlfriend and though he's been doing this for four hours is going, tonight's the really truly special night of nights. That's what tonight shall be more like and then he sees a pterodactal swooping in and some rocks fly by and hit it in the head

and he notices that it says Zoran watches as the creature is knocked from the sky and hits the ground then fights a group of able hunters for his life though horribly outnumbered it battles savagely and then Zoran leaps into battle on its side screaming whoo! Also

You just killed a pterodactyl For like no reason Why is this? Why is this different? I wondered the same thing Like what does he? He has no dog in this fight So what's he doing? And he has

Specifically murdered a terectal in the first page With no context, no words were spoken So I don't Are these cavemen guys Kind of have the same face As the gargoyle monster he fought earlier Like they have three eyes And like predator mouths

So maybe that's just He's just a racist? Yeah, maybe Zorant's stuff Star racist. Yeah. Unfuckable star racist, Zoran. I thought they were kind of going for like a YA thing.

Like he's kind of writing for teen girls. Like he wants, instead of like the outright, like, sexual content of a Conan or a Tarzan, he's just like he wants that like, will they, won't they? That anticipation. He does kind of look like a romance character. Like in the closeups of his face of the next panel, he looks like handsome Squidward. I think you guys are complicating this. I think Craig Stormont does not fuck. Well, okay, sure.

That's a reasonable, yeah, reasonable idea. The remaining attackers decide the odes are against them. ODS, I've never seen anybody misspell odds like that, are against them, and they run away. Good thinking. And the next panel really throws me. Maybe that's a government organization in this world. Like, it's a Cretaceous period, but there is still an ODS. I don't know what it stands for.

The next panel, him and the pterodactyl are drawn completely differently. It is suddenly, it is suddenly romance comic art. For both him and the pterodactyl as they lock eyes lovingly, and the pterodactyl even has a little anime sparkle above its head as if to say, I fucking love you. I love you so much. Yeah, you say he doesn't fuck, but like look at this panel. There's a lot of lust here.

No fucking. He also went to the Sephora. Like he kind of looks like he's wearing eye shadow and lipstick. It's real nice. He's got like some, uh, some contour on his, on his cheekbones. A nice brow, a nice laminated brow. He's gotten suddenly much more beautiful than every other panel. And it was just because of this pterodactyl's love.

Like, I think that's a wonderful thing. They brought out his inner beauty. It brought out his inner beauty. That's, that's wonderful. The pterodactyl is thinking, you saved my life, my life, Rinaldian. You have my gratitude. I am sworn to serve you as my master for saving me. It's my duty.

to which he is thinking, to which he says, I can hear you, but you do not speak. What can it be? And then no time to explore that. Cut to the next panel, he's writing on the Teradectal. We've skipped over a lot of relationship building here. And he's saying, so your name is Axig, you come from an almost extinct race of intelligent, telepathic flying reptiles.

It sounds like the copy from the back of an action figure, as if, like, like, like the comic has genuine enthusiasm and that I think he can kind of picture how cool a dinosaur Conan he man would be but he's so far ahead of himself like every panel sounds like

the acceptance speech for like the award for coolest toy in film franchise he hasn't like put in the work of like what this is or taking the reader along with him in any way no we skip right to the exposition

so he can just be like yeah that's whatever he's a terror attack he's a psychic teradactal we don't need to know how they get along, they just do. It kicks ass. Like, as if that wouldn't be cool to find out. Like, as if that wouldn't

be fun. Like, a full page, at least, of this guy's backstory would have been really fun. Yep. I say, like, I don't know. You know, I like Thundar. I like all these things that he clearly enjoys. But, like, when Thundar meets Ucla the Mok,

either have the story or just like start the show with them together. And you're like, yeah, I fucking get it. It's like Hans Solo Chewbacca. They're just friends from before. I don't know. There's a lot of knockoff things out there that sort of suck. It sucks that they exist and they're creative ability to bankrupt, but at least someone made them.

Like, this is not done yet. This is the start of an idea he did not execute on. It's a tenth of a story about Conan with random Conan knockoffs like folded in on it. It's just, I don't know, it's slop. But I love this kind of world, though, like the stupid Toyland-inspired genre world. but there's a reason we know who he man and G. I.I. Joe are. Like, someone went in and gave each G.I. Joe guy's own outfit. And it's dumb. Like, this one's a ninja and this one's Dolomite. And this guy loves old movies and hates shoes. But it's a world and they built it. And you can enjoy it. And this, there's just nothing to grab onto. It's like, you don't be cool if he had a pterdactyl. How are we going to meet that? I don't know. He fucking needs it. It's just not even worth showing us. This is the origin. We skip it.

skip it but not all of it like smear it across a page but make it shitty so the next page he's flying on the pterodactal he says there it is axi gwynchadow that's Rolanda's castle I guess the lady's name is Rolanda

probably should have established that one earlier and again she has a castle but not pants yes she will love you have established that she has supreme magical powers I feel like we don't learn that

until the very last page spoiler I guess but, like, she was helpless to those monsters earlier. I don't know, just something to keep in mind that later we find out. I didn't even think about that. She could shoot, like, lasers with her hands. And she needed him to scoop her up and fly her away from just accidentally being, like, stepped on. Yeah, that's okay.

The guy who invented her forgot to. Yeah, Craig Stormon? That's not the first time he's done that. He's actually done that several times with several of his characters where he's made a helpless damsel in distress and then, like, oh, yeah. But she has, like, superman. superpowers. Like, well, all right. That was a little weird. That you forgot that. A little suspicious that you just wanted to see the hot lady tied up. So So Soran says, there it is, pointing to her castle. There it is, Axig wind shadow. That's Rolanda's

castle. She will love you, Axig. Yes, Axig. There it is, Axig. She would love you, Axig. To which Axig thinks, or telepathically sparkles, if you say so, master, I think that's a very, I think the telepathic taradactyl is maybe a little more right here where, like, you show up with like a surprise monster and they're like, Rolanda, you're going to fucking love it. It's a psychic sex teradactyl. We've got a real flirtatious thing going on. You love it, right? Yeah, she loves it.

She loves it. I can read her mind, master. She's not into it at all. So they land in the castle. He's looking all around. He says, Rolanda, Ty, where are you, Rolanda? to which the pterodactyl finds it first. He says, Zoran, over here quickly.

And they see what I can only discern from context is supposed to be the child from earlier. This is a very deformed child. His head is grown six times its size. They meet the human DNA out of this fucker. He's got tiny little dwarf arms. He's got a huge, like, beasting cheeks. He's just a mess.

And Zoran says, tie boy, oh no. Here, young Ty, have some water. Feel better? That was a nasty bump as though as though he surely must have just been running down the hall and ran into the wall. Right.

No more questions. Places destroyed. They clearly got like, kidnappers came in and trashed the place, beat him nearly to death. And he's like, hey. What a nasty bump you've taken. He looked, the child has a look of terror on his face

as he's drinking this water as though he's being waterboarded in this moment as though he's just like flooding his mouth. He says, oh, my head hurts, but I feel okay. And then Zoran, they took Rolanda, the demons, they took her. Oh, no. And it's like, oh, okay, there are demons in this universe. Good to know. Yep, good to know.

We know there are gods. They don't have names, but they have their own hell, I guess, because there's demons. That sounds so sarcastic to me. Oh, they took Rolanda, the demons, they took her. Oh, no. Like, I would, yeah, I know. You're setting this up. You killed your sister.

This is like an orphan. scenario. You're clearly not a little boy. You're like a 50 year old man with some sort of disease. She found out and you killed her. I get it. He says we came home from where you saved us a while back and to get ready for your party tonight and we're going to throw him a party.

When we came in the door and Rolanda is walking up saying someone's in here we better go get dot dot dot and then a demon says going somewhere and he's a he's a Goro demon. He's a forearmed kind of orc. It's again

kind of something kind of nothing design sensibility where you look at it and you're like yeah I guess that scans as a monster I would have tried to think of like I don't know something visual to like it feels like a doodle like you'd make in sixth grade I guess like if you if you like Dungeons and Dragons it's just kind of the thing you draw

without thinking about it yeah good hat decent cake sure yeah the textile industry doing really good on Ronald is there a planet named Ronald Reynolds Rinald Rolanda. No, that's her name.

Oh, yep. Sentencing a problem with the names. The kid says, Then this demon said to tell you not to follow and he took the Rinaldi in Soulstone and my sister Rolanda, then he hit me and knocked me out. You know the rest.

Okay, and this is exactly what I'm talking about with like this back of an action figure shit. Like, this reads like the text crawl at the start of a cartoon. Because the psychic terectal jumps and he's like, yes, your woman Rolanda is the high priestess keeper of the soulstone

that's soon that has the power to destroy all of Riland and run and overrun it with the darkest of magic and demons, right? You're like, I don't know. Which only leaves him to say, yes, that is right. Yep, that's exactly right. Thanks for clearing all that up. That's a crazy rant that you just went on

taradactyl, but yeah, you got it. Yep. You got it. And the narrator basically says the exact same thing again. There's a text box explaining the whole thing over. That there's a giant magic, diamond that will destroy the whole world unless they do a little ceremony to contain it, mostly nude. You have to do the ceremony pretty much entirely panceless.

Except for the four or five men behind her who are head to toe clothes, like they're in full robes. Full robes with a hood up and everything. So it's like close exists. Close exists in this world. She's just a freak. It's like the men have to hide their bodies because the ladies get too crazy. Yes. But she's got to perform this ritual to keep the stone from killing the whole world twice a year. I would, I would, I would simply not have this, the kill the world stone. That's me. To which Zoran... I like that there's stakes and sort of rules, but I feel like it's not as fascinating to me as it is to Craig Stormon. Like, there's a rock that's important, I think is enough. Yeah, big important rock.

is a really easy way to move your story forward. Like, I'm currently watching vampire diaries, and every season there's a new important rock, and that's the whole impetus for the season. It's the moonstone, or... How are the thongs? Are the thongs good? Sadly, no thongs, but lots of good jewelry. There's, like, every...

It's all about jewelry, and that's my theory of why it was so popular, because it was like, you got rings that can let vampires walk in the sunlight, you got rings to keep you from dying for anything supernatural. You've got a moonstone that's important for a reason. I don't know why I'm not done with season two yet. But I think in our brains, we're like, yeah, big rock important. So that just just gets your story going.

Gets he going. Gets it blood flowing. Big rock. Fuck yeah. So again, I don't have a problem with any of this. I like a McGuffin. I like a power sword that he man and Skeletor fight over. But this is so stupid.

Soren says, we only have two days until the next time of chaos. That's the ceremony where they reset the death. Rock. We must find Rolanda on the Soulstone and get them back here before that time or the dark door to the neither realms will be permanently open. Oh, fucking hell. The neither realms. He read a book on how

you need to have a ticking clock in your story, but like, just never learned to spell past fourth grade. I like the idea of the neither realms, or they're just Yeah, the neither realms. They're not, they're just neither. What are they? They're not this, they're not that. To the child says, but Zoran, what if? you need me. I can't stay here alone, can I? And Zoran says, sorry, not this time, little one. Where I must go, no child should ever be. Now I go to pray before leaving on my quest.

I guess he's just going to leave that child there to die of exposure. Yeah, he's like six. He's just leaving him at home alone in a giant castle with no pans of glass in the windows. That has been attacked. That's too much to dust for a child. That has been freshly attacked by demons This is clearly an important castle I assume the big rock is in the castle somewhere They're gonna come back This kid is not

Look I know he's a four and 50 year old man But like four I'm just saying Zoran doesn't know that It shows the child sneaking Into onto the back of the terodactyl And the text reads While Zoran prays to his gods for his quest to succeed Tie slips into the bedroll

That has been attached to Axig Along with the saddle that was borrowed from a horse We don't need to know this It's a fucking teradactal saddle I just assumed you had that in your world I didn't even know you had horses I thought people rode dinosaurs You dumbass

There's more explanation for where the saddle came from Than where the psychic teradactal came from Right We skipped the psychic teradactal explanation To make time for the saddle talk Okay now what I think this reveals Is there's no stray thought That doesn't get put down on the page

which means we are seeing the entire world that he's built is like this fucking half a napkin of an idea, which is terrifying. Of course, Axig knew what was going on, but being old, he said nothing showing his wisdom. I don't know. That's not wisdom to me, allowing the child to... I did like that he at least mentioned why Axid didn't say anything,

because I was immediately like, isn't he a hyper-intelligent psychic pterodactal? Okay, okay. He knew he just didn't give him. a shit. Somebody told him that. Somebody who's reading the comic and is like, why doesn't the taradactyl note to which Craig Storm was like, first of all, you're

fucking fired. Second of all, I'm going to put a text box in here. They could have taken out the text box and put in like the kid saying, hey, shut up about this taradically. He's like, I don't, Zoran said not to come. You don't shut the fuck up. I'm on your back. I'll stab you.

Same amount of space. And like, the characters would have personality and like they'd be playing off each other. I don't know. I'm talking like a writer. I need to think more like a maniac. Yeah, stop trying to fix it. We can't fix it, Sean. You'll go crazy.

So they fly away and we cut to elsewhere at Zoran's quest's end, the decadent anarchistic city of Blood Realm. The city is named Blood Realm. Great name. Great description. Just words. The regalian demon men that rule Blood Realm. So the regalian demon men of Rinald who have captured Rinalda? Rolanda.

Rolanda. Wuff, how could I mix that? If only there was a solution to this problem. The regalian demon men that rule Blood Realm are having a special meeting in honor of their captured guest, Rolanda. And she's just extra caked out. She has gotten butt implants since the last time we've seen her. Somehow more nude, too. Like, her top is.

strapless now it looks like they've taken her straps yeah that bikini is shrinking every single panel the one the one thing she had was the straps you guys sometimes you can sort of tell when an artist uses pornography as like their research yeah i think i think that might be what we're dealing with here because the the musculature is a little better and the the angles very dynamic you're like okay so you had a you had a photo reference for this one this they needy tied up. Yeah, you had the tied up one. You didn't have a photo reference for like, uh, consensually throwing a party. Like that didn't work out. Yeah. So the, there's an evil orc man here, the same one that kidnapped her. I'm saying, my name is Ragall, leader of

blood realm and soon to be ever. This is ragel. From the Ragolians on the Rylans. Capturing Rilanda. Rolanda. Which she says You simple, blood-lusting dog-eater You will be stopped This I swear to you At this moment the greatest warrior on Rinald Is on his way here to crush your bones into my bread

It's pretty hard That's, I like that I said they have dogs Yep, they got dogs and horses Apparently, we've never seen a dog They eat the dogs I don't think it's good to eat dogs I think big kids eat dogs

They like to eat bone sandwiches on it on yeah right i love a good bone between a piece of bread here and there delicious that's from uh jack in the beanstock right like the giant wants to yeah yeah grind your bones to make my bread which like i'll grind it into like the flour you know into but she's just like no no no you're gonna put bones in my bread yeah i'm gonna eat them make me bone sandwich out of you i don't know she she's in a real stressful situation. I didn't expect her to make a lot of sense. The next panel shows us Zoran making out with somebody else. And the text says, well,

maybe not exactly this moment. Zoran had one important stop before he continue his quest. So he's like, all right, I got to stop, make out with this lady for a little bit. This is so good. This is like when Daredevil goes into a bar to like beat the information out of people. Zoran's fucking his way to information. It's so great. It's a real Conan move. I love it. He stops making out with her just to say, please, queal, now will you tell me how to find the blood realm so she knows? Yeah, I felt kind of bad for him. He was like, he doesn't want to make out with her.

He has to. That's because Rolanda's worst enemy is quelled, the second most powerful wizardess in Reinhold. The only other one who knows the location of the blood realm. Okay, so this is why I also think this comic is tarting girls. Like, this is setting up kind of a Betty and Veronica love triangle with Zoran. I think for future issues. And I think that'll really appeal to lady readers.

I would like that, Archie, but he's kind of a Neanderthal loser. Yes. That sounds, you're making this, now I want to publish this. You're making this too fun. Betty and Veronica are completely nude every single issue. Nude Betty and Veronica, they're wizards. They're both susceptible to make out. Like, because she's like, I'm not fucking helping you help that other girl.

I hate her. And he just gives her, just puts his mouth right on her. She's like, oh, God damn it, I can't resist kisses. She tells him where the blood realm is. And then it cuts to him flying away in the pterodactyl. So he showed up there, and he's like, I will give you four kisses if you tell me where the blood realm is. She's like, she took two of those kisses and then was like, wait a minute, what are the, why do you need to know where the blood realm is? And he's like, I got to save the lady you hate who I'm also banging.

She's like, well. Then I require three titty honks as well. Zoran. And he said, No deal. And she said, okay. And he's flying away

on the pterodactyl saying, and the pterodactyl is thinking, I didn't think we'd ever get out of there. Say, you mean we have to cross dead land? Nobody has ever come back from there. It's just a psychic exposition teradactal. And it's a very simple sentence

what Zoran replies with. It's me reading the tone. But Zoran responds, I know. I obviously I know what blood realm is I went to that lady to ask her how to find it you don't have to tell me is that how you read the I know Liddy I read it more like come on motherfucker I know there's no way in which it's honestly I read it with like sort of a weary sigh like I know I like that we all took it in different directions though all negative all all they all are like yes

You all agree it's bad writing. Your voice in my brain, Terradactyl, can you not sound like Gilbert Godfrey, like all the time? You can hear my thoughts and feel my boner through this horse saddle. We have no secrets. Speaking of bad writing, the next text box explains the exact goddamn thing the Teradactal just thought. They're just deadland.

And then they're flying over the box after that is another psychic bubble from the Teradactal who is thinking, this place sure it's scary. Yeah, like, was he supposed to be comic relief? Like, he's kind of the Iago of this comic in Aladdin. He's the parrot. Right. God, kind of. Kind of, but, like, no, I guess Iago fucked.

Like, I was going to say, but Iago fucked more than this, more than this, at least. I think that was in my head because you said Gilbert Godfrey, which he voices Iago. So now it's, I'm really thinking about this taradactyl as Gilbert Godfrey Diaco. Now, you know what? the next panel, he is making a Gilbert Godfrey face. He is. The next panel really just, like, removed from all the context is a very funny panel. It is like such a perfect visual demonstration of surprise and disgust of like, you have just done,

you've just dropped trow and took a shit on the bus, and this is like how the other passengers are looking at you. Like, what the fuck? And that's because they just been shot at by lasers. So they're like, surprise and disgusted by the bus. the lasers who have come from the Knights of the Deadland, who are more super generic demons. Like, at every opportunity of you, you've had the chance to design something somewhat interesting, and you said no, you said no thanks.

He didn't, like, tell us an interesting story, like, ooh, the Knights of the Deadlands, but that's a cool story. We're going to get their backstory and, like, what they've, no, oh, they're, no, they're just dead immediately. They're demons. They spawn hell back for blood, and he kills them within. They can't fight for shit. They all miss with their surprise attack, and then two of them died away.

one sword sword swing. They die screaming. They're not like, curse you for murdering me, I'll be back from my demon realm, probably, because I don't know. The third, however, gets a laser blast off right into Zoran's chest. I'm like, I guess it's

just a stun ray as the Teradactyl's thinking, Zoran, Zoran, wake up. Oh no, we're finished. He's out cold to which the bedroll thinks. Maybe not Axig. And then the weird child bursts out saying, come on, you filthy demon come on.

Like, yeah, this is not a... That's a 50-year-old man. You know, when we met this pterodactyl, it was kicking the shit out of a bunch of cavemen. So it's like, it's weird that all of a sudden now it's just fighting is not an option for him. I don't know, something to think about, Craig's Dormon. It's the...

Wait, is the taradactyl, the damsel in distress now? It kind of. Yes, he just... The child has like... He's fucking it. Has come out hardcore. It has a little dagger. He's challenging a demon knight.

from the dead land to a duel the demon knight swoops in and just knocks the sword instantly out of his hand is a bad idea like, come on demon, oh shit but then Zoran wakes up and slashes him across the throat so that the stakes of those laser blasts

where they make you fall asleep for about four seconds because he wakes up on the same page the same page they tell us he's unconscious he's like nope back up no problems see one two three, four panels.

I mean, that's a pretty good knockout, Ray. Four panels is... 12 seconds? Maybe a 12 second knockout? Yeah, I would say 12 second knockout. That's realistic. Back in the demon realm, they somehow know this because there's now a wizard character.

He's telling Raggle that all the knights have failed, and then he gets his own little close-up zoom-in panel. I feel like he looks... He's just got like a null-fielding vibe. He's got a very... But with shark teeth. Yeah, but with shark teeth? That's a null-fing.

fielding vibe he'd have a good way to describe him and he's saying nobody escapes the children of astroth my lord nobody which is like a real you're here telling him about your failure he did it already yeah he already did that thing that you said nobody does uh this is a weird thing to say we'll get him next time master he's also got we should describe his outfit sorry pope hat bandelier with a skull on it and he's holding a skull as well in his arm and several I think, and earrings, big earrings, gauged ears. Yeah, gauged ears.

He's looking good. So Zoran is, Ty, Ty, the kid is talking to Ty, and he says, I thought I told you, you're too young to come on this quest. And Ty says, if I hadn't come, you'd be dead right now. That's not true.

You did nothing. You did absolutely nothing. They showed it. It was the last page. I'm looking at the last page where that, the one thing you did. He bought him nine of those 12 seconds where he was a sleep. He might have died.

And to Zoran, to that, Zoran says, yeah, that's right, isn't it? I don't care. You must go back now. They're in the realm where no one can return from. Also, they've said that two times. So if he sends him back, like, on his own, he'll either be the first person to ever do that or die. Yeah, what do you do? The child has, does the child walk? Like, how does that happen? What is, what are you thinking? You got another teradactal stash somewhere, dude? The tie says Rolanda is all I've got. Ajax would be so jealous. Ajax, I can't remember the taradactyl's names. Yeah, Agix.

Agix. I thought Ajax. Axig. Axig. Axig. Axig. Axig. The child says Rolanda is all I've got.

If we don't savor, the world won't be worth living in any way. And then it cuts to the three of them looking worried. Only the pteradactyl is thinking, gee, I don't need. even know her. He's like, what am I even doing here? What, like, I got, I got no mistakes in this place. Have sky sex with his hunk. Yeah, like, this is not, I'm getting a little jealous.

Like, he's clearly not into me. I'm just going to go. I'm just going to go. He really is the comic relief parrot of this comic. But none of it's intentional. The next page, I think, is kind of amazing. It has maybe the first laugh track I've ever seen in a comic, because he the demon guy says hungry my dear to Rolanda and she says I'd starve before he'd eat

your food rag all and he says yes yes Rolanda you will you will ah ha ha ha and there's just a silent panel of laughing goblin faces as if like yeah you they're just playing a laugh track he was clearly supposed to put words there and he chose not to absolutely madness like the laughter spreads through the crowd ha ha ha her humiliation is complete no it's just it's nothing It's just a bunch of blank faces. Because of the weird silence, it scans exactly like the frame in the Simpsons where they're all waiting for Bart to say the catchphrase. Like all the children are just looking at him silent. Like, oh God, what do you want?

Say it. Say the bone bread thing. And she does not. So he says, now for a little entertainment. And out comes sex goreau. Sexy sex goreau. Yeah, she's kind of got like a little rockabilly bob. cut and a little bangs

round like a metal bikini She's got the four arms Like all the demons But then aside from that Looks totally normal human Like just a hot human With a bouncy bob cut You're like you're getting like a nice

styling going in here Yep Belly dancer pants and just 50 knives They're all like strapped to her by ropes like not secured well Just kind of roped around her She breaks into a jog she's hemorrhaging out of her legs.

So she starts throwing knives at Rolanda for their entertainment, while shark-tooth, null-fielding, giggles. But this, I mean, this seemed like a pretty good party. And then Zoran and Axe crash it. They just burst in through, I don't know. I was going to say a skylight, but then if you look at the panel, they're like pieces of bricks. So they just fell in through the ceiling.

Right through the castle. Right through the brick ceiling. This taradactyl could just fly through castles. Or cave. whatever they are, I don't know. And now it's time for the pterodactyl to kick ass again. So Zoran jumps off, kicks an orc guy in the face. The taradactyl just grabs an ork guy's head

and apparently, by the sound effect, crushes it easily. I don't know why he was so doomed earlier. Noel Fielding, Shark Tooth, Nol Fielding says, I think you'd better stop right there if you want your priestess alive and he holds a dagger to Rolanda's throat. And then Zoran, ever the hero, says,

okay, you got me. And he's not playing. He does not have a plan. This isn't diehard where he's got a sword duct tape to his back. And he's going to be like, oh, he's just like, well, fuck. Luckily that the crazy, the crazy man, orphan man child with a terrible disease, who has never looked more like that thing I just said, is flying out of nothing, flying out of the air based on nothing.

Like there was no setup panel where you showed him creeping around. He's just launched through the sky. and plunges a dagger into Noel Fielding's heart. Yeah. It came out of nowhere. You're just like, what? Is there a cannon? Yeah, the lines are all wrong.

No one's in the same position from panel to panel. Just fired a deformed little boy out of a cannon with a dagger. Yeah. That's how you take down Noel Fielding. I think the wizard was holding Rolanda on one side, and then he's just completely alone when the little boy attacks him. So, yeah, they did completely all change positions. This little boy broke reality.

So he says, you still haven't won, Zoran. I'll break the soulstone. And even if you kill me, I'll still win from the grave. But before he reaches it, Rolanda blasts him with a magic power ray. And then it shows her posing sexy in her bikini with an entirely different child. I don't know who this other child is. I can't even recognize that as the same child. The sound effect is, fah, blue.

Blue. Blue. F to B. is a really hard. A really hard is that flu. F, F, F, F, B, B, L-O. It's a fart sound. It's just a She farts with her hands. That's her sorcery.

But she's got a She's like squashing her hand in her armpit to make her spells. All this time she's had magic power rays that can instantly kill her attackers. This pissed me off so much. There was any number of times for her to use those and did not.

If they even said like, hi, when you're tied up, you can't do your sorcery or something, I'd be like, okay, fine, because Wonder Woman had that for a while, too, where if you, like, tie her hands together, she loses her powers. Because people who make comics are perverts. That's what we're learning and have learned since the 40s. But, like, this is just like, what, how the fuck did you forget that she's the most powerful sorceress in the, in all of Riteland?

Like, come on. You got four characters to juggle, buddy. She doesn't even need to say magic words. She can just shoot beams out of her. That's way more than Zoran can do. I'm also noticing now they really did just get. rid of her straps so that she's wearing a tube top now. Like, they stole her straps when they kidnapped her.

I'd be fine if they just said, you can't do your spells if we take your straps. But then that would be proven wrong here because she's doing magic without the straps. True. Without your underwear, you are helpless, my dear. They left her that. They left her that for sure. Just the straps are not. Last panel is like a sitcom panel.

Zoran, the child who is now a girl The child is now an elfin girl. Good for her. I was going to say sort of spock ears on him too, yeah. And even the teradactyl has completely changed its face and is now is now like smiling pleasantly as though this is the freeze frame in a 90s sitcom. And the bubble says, Although Astroth and Raggle were both wounded, they escaped into the darkness.

Rolanda had plenty of time to perform her right. to hold back their evil demons for one more year. The beginning. Dot, dot, dot. No, that was the end. No, that was the end. Yeah, I thought that was clever. I was like, oh, it's the end.

It's the beginning. Yeah, he invented it. He invented it in this comic in 1994. No one had ever done that before. Wow. The art is so hasty and it's such a different style. Like, look at the art in the last half of this page. That's not the same guy.

I don't think that's the same artist. Like, none of the characters look the same. the art style is not the same at all. Probably promotional art or like concept art. They did not finish this comic and then in a panic he wrote this last panel and was like, I guess they both survived and took off.

Goodbye. Goodbye. That's the end. Goodbye. Changed bikinis. Changed genders. The taradactal becomes kind of goth. He has like goth makeup on. It's wild even for him. Like there was a back scene, backstage disaster that happened in this.

Like Delvarez got all the way to the last half of the last page and was like, that's how it ends? I quit. No question. No question. Somebody's pissed off at him about this. They did finally give Rolanda a vest to put over her bikini in the final panel. So that made me happy to. I like that the final bikini has like a little frill on the outside.

It's sort of like just enough to say like this is an outfit. And I didn't like get my clothes torn off. Yeah, she doesn't look like she's wandering around in the woods penniless anymore. She's got a helmet. She's got bracers. She's, she's, she's, it's a lady bikini, not a hobo bikini. That's what I love. It lets you know that like it was wrong of her kidnappers to forcibly strip her. When she makes her own choices, it looks pretty much the same, but there's a vest. Like they took the vest is where the consent violation was. It's such a hasty ending within the one comic and then it got canceled. that you're like, you didn't, I will not give you credit

for making it to one full issue. I don't think you did. I don't buy it. Because that also ended on page 21 and like, yeah, that's fairly standard for comics that have ads. Guess what doesn't have ads?

Blue Comet. Nobody's advertising. He's advertising with Blue Comet. So he had to fill the rest of this with like splash pages, with promotional art. What's funny about this is that he looks so,

identical to Conan that he might have just like asked if somebody had any Conan drawings lying around and uh two people said yes which is funny because there are more than that in here and he found two people who could draw some of these are are pretty fantastically bad but none are worse than the one Craig Storm on himself drew which is the one on page 26 where he has a Zoran is like power squatting he looks like he looks like an articulated action figure that somebody forgot to pose like that you would just find laying in the toy box it's just so close to awesome though it's I don't know like a Mike all red type of weirdness to it that he missed by a lot but like there's something about this maniac that yeah I'm going to give up I'm

going to give up trying to explain it you have to see it to understand I guess I understand his vision. I get what he's trying to do, maybe more than other maniacs. And it makes me, you know, his failure is pretty severe. But like, I think I can see the world as he sees it. I just don't share his delusions. He did all the art for Life Brigade and a couple of others. And like, it is so much more, it meshes so much better to have like this maniac text that is wildly misspelled and broken with his very clumsy art that has like, it has like a visual style to it that feels kind of unique. We're like, I kind of like the clumsiness.

But it meshes so well with, like, the maniac things that you're saying, that it's weird when you pay a professional artist and then you put misspelled maniac stuff over it. I'm like, what are you doing? Like, that's put the original words back. Like, stop fucking with this. But no, those were the original words. He just, he was never convinced, like, it's better when you draw it your own. And, like, the whole maniac world comes together much better.

better than Zoran's Star Warrior. I think it's Batman's fault that people aren't talking about Zoran. Yeah. And the X-Men, the stupid X-Men. Oh, my God, no. Don't you ever badmouthed the X-Men? Can I read you the teaser text at the very end for his next project? Oh, please do.

Blue Comet Press is starting production on a new project that we will be marketing to many stores other than comic shops due to the problem stated in, our editorial in this issue. He's not done. Still not over it. He's not done. He brought it to the back page. Our first project for outside the direct market will be the original dinosaur dictionary,

which we are just beginning work on for mid-1990 release. This will have full-page drawings of all the most popular and well-known dinosaurs as well as a couple paragraphs that tell the specs on each animal. Did he ever finish that? He's going to draw only the best dinosaurs and give you dinosaur specs. I feel like we read about this in a Life Brigade, then I was excited for it, but I don't think I ever looked up if he finished it. Dave Marchman, head writer at BCB, will be scripting with help from Craig Stormon.

Dale Barris will be painting the full-color wraparound cover. Oh, there it is. That's why he didn't finish. Dale Barris quit on this issue, so he never. Other artists tentatively drawing plates will be Tim Vigil Bend-Dun, Duval Stowers, from roller coasters I'm sorry, roller force that's the name they use for themselves

whereas roller coasters is the name they will be known to the world Stephen Hughes and possibly other artists this book will have up to date information on each animal and we may possibly have a story in the last couple pages look forward to that

facts about dinosaurs and potentially a story a story about dinosaurs about one way the dinosaurs became extinct. What does that mean? It seems like there is only one way that the dinosaurs became extinct.

Not to this fucking maniac. Well, I mean, unless you're hiring a bunch of, like, paleontologists, then you're just going to be taking existing dinosaur information from dinosaur books that are out there already. Maybe he didn't expect me to solve that fucking mystery, but like... There's no way that's what he did. Or if he did, it's interpreted by a madman. Like, I'm going to have to find that book

because I guarantee that one way the dinosaurs became extinct is not the way you're thinking. I just looked up Storm on dinosaur book and Google's like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't think you made it. It's impossible to search for it. Yeah, that's the one way the dinosaurs went extinct. They got canceled before they got even started.

That's why they're his favorite. He really sees himself in them. Anyway, if you subscribe to our Patreon, you can access hundreds of bonus podcasts today for our bonus podcast, we'll be talking more about Zoran because I do have that issue zero, which in true Stormont

fashion, that was just issue one with a handful of useless pages. But what useless pages they are. That's not a great selling point. Uh, fuck. Canceled. 1,900, Frankfurt.

1,900, Frankfurt. And to podcast can out. And with maximal in shawl. podcast? Correct. Yeah. The craft is nitratis, not on.

Shicked you in the honda zone four an hour an hour and a student. Come on. You can't you know ma.

1,900. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1, 9, and new, yeah. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1,900.

1,900, Frankfurt. Ones no, you know, and new, you know, yeah. Yeah.

9,000 The historic hot dog club here in beautifuls, Connected to New York, welcomes to the stage, our own in-house insult comic, Jimmy Juggles. Oh, hey, thank you, thank you. Don't applaud too hard.

You ain't heard by set yet. Hey, I see a lot of Supremes out there in the crowd today. Aaron Crustin. Adrian H. I see Alex Nolenberg here. Hey, Alex, I hope you get hit by a speedboat like a man. Oh! Alpha Scientist Javo, Anandhi, Armando Nava, Autumn Armstrong Berg.

You look like a volunteer editor for WikiFeed. Oh, Bim Tazer, Brandon Garlock, Brian Saylor. Oh, I see somebody here named Brockway famously loves the Meat Millie? Well, I happen to know the guy, and guess what? He does. Burrito! Seril! Cheddar Wolf!

You smell like Paul Maw's an old. like Paul Mall's an old breast milk. Aho, common sense. Craig Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schill, I heard your AI girlfriend cheated on you. It's not supposed to be possible. Science is studying it. Oh, Dean Costello, Delta Fox Trot,

Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redman, Dusty's Rad title. Elizabeth Shope, some people get a bench dedicated to them when they die. You're gonna get the corner, Share in a Motel 6. Oh, double up! Oh, oh! Elliot Watson, Eric Christianberg, Fancy Shark,

Jella Ho! Hey, good Satan and his hot witches. You know the way that pace that Dennis used to polish your teeth tastes? No, of course you don't. Oh, Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Pengweenie, A. I see Honk over here, Onk, Ock, Jabarale, Aiden, James Boyd.

Hey, James Boyd, I hope you dry, drown, and in a corn silo. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child of, oh. Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, Jared Ruiz, it's the Jared, oh, Jeff Oraski. John Dean, I bet all the microplastics in your balls is gonna turn your babies into spiders. Spider, oh, John McCammon, John Minkoff,

Joseph Searle, Josh Yes, Joshua Greaves, A, Justin B, you seem like the kind of guy who's had multiple pets die because of his unmedicated ADHD. Oh, sorry that one got stuck. Ken Paisley, K&M, Kamutsis, KVH, I heard you got banned from Bumble and not even for a good pervert reason. You just made people too sad. Hold on. Let me load the O gun. All right, now let me gawk it. All right, pull. Oh, oh.

Oh, missed all three times. Lane Haygood, Lisa, M. Jahi Chappelle. Hey, Mark Mahoney, you seem like the fourth guy to die trying to rescue a dog from a septic tank. Tragic, oh! Matt Riley, Max Broy, Mojoo. Hey, you guys like politics? I hear the best comedy's political these days.

Let's try some. A mercenary Cicidman, Jeff Bezos called. He wants his personality back. Oh, Michael Lair, Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N-D, I see Neil Bailey here, I see Neil Schaefer here, I see NECO-104 here, we got Nick Levino, hey Nick Levino, Elon Musk called, he wants his weird torso back, torso, oh, obsolete, Henri Weevil, we got Ozzy Olin, double O, we got Patrick Herbst, Pee's uncle, I hope your spouse leaves you for a republic, Oh, rebrandrew, I hope you get the kind of concussion that turns you, Republican. Oh, you and Peewee's uncle's wife deserve each other, and I hope you're very happy. Oh, all right, all right, that's enough politics, we have fun. Oh, hey, Riannan, hey Russell Bowman, hey Sam Kopnik, I recognize this guy.

He's the 204th frame in that scene from Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets blasted out the airlock. That's a deep cut, but look it up. It's also an... Oh, Zarkovsky, Sean Chase. Hey, Seeds Passport lists their sex as too brief for all the heartache it's caused over the years. We got space champ in here. Oh, spotty reception.

Supernought. Tater's tails. Hey, Tater's tails. You smell like the sock you find stuck to a teenager's wall when you move the bed. Oh, you're just... in there you're looking you're looking for drugs or something because you don't understand the sudden distance between you and the child who used to love you when bam crusty old tater's tails oh hey it's 10 h Thomas Cavato

Timmy Lehi Toasty God Tommy G Vlo Hey I see Victor Mela Bank in here you look like you lost a fight to a puff at her who was itself already dying of cholesterol poisoning. Oh, hey, Booster, hey, you got the anti-venom? No, you don't. Hey, Waylon Russell, hey, you gotta call somebody? No, you aren't.

Oh, never mind, though, because Yvonne Clapham's here. She can just... Oh, it's my time. Thanks, everyone, you've been great. Not you, Zach and Ava. All right, all right. Don't forget to tip your waitresses. We all know Gareth ain't gonna do it.

Oh! But no, seriously, you gotta... You gotta tip them, man. You gotta tip them. The law says you can pay them below minimum wage if it's a tip position. It's fucked up. Capitalism is fucked.

Oh!