Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 243 Karatecise with Mark Mahoney
00:001,900 hot dog1,900, hot dogOut podcast slams with maximum hypeSay hot dog podcast wordYeahWhen you taste that nitrate powerYou're in the dog zone for an hourCome on, you know the number
00:231,9001,900 Hot Dog1190,000,One 900 Hot DogHot DogWelcome to the 9900Hot Dog1,900 Hot Dog
00:38Yeah, 9,000Welcome to the Talk 7,9,000The Official Podcast of 1,900 Hot Doc.comIf you haven't joined our Patreon,do that now.It's at patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog.We have an all-star castof online comedy writers,
00:54basically the only ones left,and we have a new article every weekday.Every single one is a legendaryJewel that will last forever.Speaking of, I'm enduring web personality,Sean Baby, and my partner received a Michelin Bunfrom the prestigious Second Place Hunk Academy.He's Robert Brockway.
01:09Oh, I was excited that I was finally going to win one.You got me on the Academy.Ah, every time.All right, here's a Brockway fact.I also have produced a tape that seamlessly combines karateand gentle fucking, but no follow-up questions.I've already watched it a thousand times.our guest is a candy expert who's so bad he's bad candy mark mahoney hey thanks for me back
01:35welcome back though being here uh thank you we love to have you let's do some plugs uh brockwayare you legally obligated to to plug anything or can we just keep moving oh you know it youknow i'm legally i'm gonna go to prison is that funny to you're gonna do what you're gonna do alittle bit now on me going to prison you've seen where bits lead bits lead to prison is wherethey lead. I did a bit where I've refused to promote my book, and now I'm being sued. I'mbeing sued by my lawyers, by my publishers' lawyers. I'm going to prison if I don't sellenough copies to legally argue in court that that was all a promotional bit in and of itself. So Ineed to sell copies of that book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. You can
02:19pre-order it. Everywhere books are right now, go do that. Go do that. Not even for me. I thinkit's a good book. I would like you to read it. I would like you to enjoy it. But I want you to thinkabout this. I want you to think about your favorite hot dogs, your favorite ones. They're sobeautiful. Think about Lydia. Think about Liddy Bug there. Think about, think about Schmiddy theclam. Little old Alex Schmidt in his beautiful face. I want you to picture him. And now I want youto picture them starving to death. We pay them enough to pay their grocery budget. And if I godown, I'm going to take the site with me. And I'm going to take the food out of theirmouths. And I don't want that to happen. So I need you. I need you to save them. I need you to save
03:02Lydia and Alex from me by buying my book. I mentioned on our other podcast, Big Feets, that I didreally like your book. So I don't see any need to do it here. Mark, I know you are a avid collectorof Paladin Press. Maybe you'd like to plug one of your favorite Paladin Press VHS tapes here.I should probably lead off first by saying I would also like to plug the concept of my beautiful wife, Carly.It is our three-year wedding anniversary today.Congratulations to both you.I did an article once on our website about your wife and her puzzle collection.Can I take his plug if he's not going to use it?
03:41He's using it for his wife right now.We're interrupting him.I just realized you published that puzzle, the haunted puzzles of Carly article, exactly three years ago today then, because you accidentally published it the day we got married.It's trueOh, it was your wedding presentIt wasIt's my wedding present to youOur love is built into the
04:00Wovein into the fabricOf this fucked up websiteLove is like a like a finishedA beautifully finished puzzleOf cornOf cornOf just pervert teddy bearsJust dusty shapes
04:13In a 70s art deco bathroomI do love that articleIt's an articleIt's one of my favoritesGetting an articleAbout puzzles is not something I thoughtnot just because it's about the contents of my basement.I just love wonderful contents of basement.
04:29A plus content of basement.That was the fastest inspiration I'd ever seen.Like, Mark has many, many collections in his house of like old game systems and old videos and pinball games.But then I saw these fucking stack of insane puzzles.I'm like, well, I'm writing about fucking whatever this is.And write to do so.I would like, you know what?I would like to write about an insane pinball.
04:53machine someday.There's some weird themed ones.That's a good challenge.Yeah, I think it's a great idea.Fish tails, I just, right off top of my head, that was one that, Mark, you had atground control that was about telling fish lies, like lies about how big a fish you caught.Yeah.Very strange.
05:09Pretty much.Pit bull a game.Pretty much any game before, like, 1990 is just guaranteed to be a weird theme.Because after that, they started, it's a lot of stuff themed after movies, but before that, man.Yeah, there's like wizards.There's a table called Night Rider, but it's not about Night Rider.It's about just truckers, and it's just got a lot of ladies with, like, pokey nipples and trucks all over it.You're just like, your ball, like, veers off to the right as it falls asleep.
05:37You got to snap it awake with methamphetamine pills.Yeah.Does it predate Night Rider?Yes.Well, yes.I want to say it's a late 70s game, so yeah.Okay.Just a coincidence then.
05:52I was going to say, like, that's a, is that like an asylum thing, but for pinball?Like, you came, you came to the arcade, hoping to find a Knight Rider.It's not that one.They got the new, they got the new Knight Rider.Oh, shit.Oh, God damn it.I love Transmorphers.Wait a second.
06:06That doesn't sound right.Your grandma playing it.Like, I can't tell the difference.But to answer your other question, my favorite Paladin Press video so far is, uh, well, shit, I'm forgetting the name of it.It's that one you and I just watched with, uh, the knife fighting one?Yeah, surviving knife fights.Is that what it's called?Oh, yeah, that one's fucking awesome.
06:26Is that the one with Mark Annamamuky Young or with that other maniac?Yeah, the animal and young one.And how many crimes are associated with that one?I mean, like, almost zero.When you see this guy?He's like, weirdly knows the law to the letter.Like, a lot of his karate books are about, like, what you're allowed to doand how hard you're allowed to maim an opponent in different conflicts.
06:46Yeah, he really likes to ride to the edge of the law.Yeah.He's like, you're not allowed to jump on the back of a guy's neck.after you punch him out.You're like, all right, it's weird you know that.That's my favorite pinball machine is about exactly that, about all about the law,the self-defense laws.Yep.
07:03Night ride the liner.Today, we are starting an ongoing series about the origins of your favorite in 100 hot dogpersonalities, starting with me because this is my idea.We watched karate size workout.This was a VHS tape from 1987.you haven't seen it. No one has. I don't think it was widely distributed.And this is basically the thing that I found in my life that sort of made me realizelike shit could be awesome and stupid at the same time. And like really, anyway, I'll talk
07:37about it. How I got it, my granddad, he ran a merchandising magazine when I was a kid thatwas basically just ads for stuff. So he got just things mailed to him, snacks and weapons andbooks and tapes, whatever. And my cheap ass mom would hoard it.And then give it to us kids as Christmas presents, just piles of untargeted slops.So Christmas morning would be hours of opening things no one could want.We'd just be completely numb to wonder by the end of the holiday.Just get a team of sidebar, a whole team of sidebar.Yep.
08:08Just piles.Like you'd get a he-man.You're like, cool, this is the he-man I wanted.And then it would just be, oh, a technical manual for a word processor.Seven canteens.Halogen bulbs, artificial flowers.Oh, good tea.Novels in Dutch.
08:20You're ripping papers open.You're like, oh, just disappointment or disappointment.So, but one year, we each, all three kids got a huge red VHS tape that said karate-sized workout by Master Dominic Giac Giacobi, plus exciting footage of karate mind masters.And so I have an older brother and younger sister.They glazed over like, oh, this is another one of these fucking things.And I was like, holy shit, whatever this is, is clearly magical.It had a picture of some shirtless hippie and karate pants.kicking a guy four feet into the air in front of a fist flag and an American flag.
08:55It's the shotgun approach. Shotgun approach to gift giving. Just, you're going to hit something.Exactly. It's like a Kevin Smith comedy. You can only try to be funny so many times before you accidentally do it.Before we get into the tape, Master Dominic Giac Giacobi is a, he's a crowded guy that never quite made it.Like, he's been in Black Belt magazine and he has a school. And he has a gimmick that should have worked.he does kind of a gruesome self-mutilation stage magic show where he pretends his karatelike put him into a trance where he's immune to pain and injury and then he does likestupid fucker uh street magic um and we'll get to them he he does every last one of them in thisworkout video so i know you two have seen them yeah if you've ever been to venice beach you've seen
09:39every single one of these stunts yeah i really thought he's going to put like a karate spin on themnope no no nope it's like literally just those things the only one he didn't do was balancesomeone sitting in a chair on his chin.He should have incorporated more juggling.Yeah.But I guess, yeah.My point is this is a workout video with self-mutilation, which is unusual.He wrote some books about this mind mastery, but he never explains how to do it, mostly
10:03because there's no it.They're just magic tricks, not psychic damage shields created by karate magic.So his book, the one that I reviewed on the site, is called Master Your Mind.And it's like he was trying to invent medicine with common sense alone.like I was hard not to be mean because I do love Master Giacobi but he'd say shit likethe brain is in the head and good food makes the blood good which brings good air to the brainand makes the brain strong which is a kind of mind and I'm not exaggerating like that's thewhole fucking 150 pages of that just crazy wild guesses about how the human body works
10:36I'm following yeah yeah all makes sense to me exactly I should also say that mymy parents divorced and then they got magical in different directions so mydad became a nature path doctor, so he would not know this book is crazy. Yeah, this is verysound. Yeah, you get the good food for the lung good, and then that puts the good air in the braider.Karate is the mind blood, I understand. Yes. Whereas my mother would say, actually, the Bible saysthat the mind is actually technically the lungs. Anyway, he never quite became a martial arts celebrity,but you can tell it was his dream. And as you go through his books, it's like every third page is,Here's the time I was in Black Belt magazine.
11:16Here's the time I met Chuck Norris, blah, blah, blah.Every karate award he's ever gotten is just listed over and over.Plus, I had an e-book so I could just do a Control F and find how many times he mentioned everything.And it's fucking ludicrous.Like his Black Belt Hall of Fame is in there seven times.He does seem like an all right guy, though.Like, I think I own enough stupid self-defense videos to just generally distrust anyone in them having any kind of empathy.or compassion ever, but like he, from what little research I did, seems like a nice guy.
11:49See, I think it's his look. I think that look just like. That floppy 70s look.Yeah, he's got like the sad eyes and pouty jowls of a basset hound. You're like, I mean,I kind of feel bad for you, but I also love you a little bit. Yeah, but he's got the hair of a beejee's.But in the hair of a bejee's. A soft beegee beard. The kicks of a gentle karate master.And I call this video my origin story, because I was 10 when, and it just blew my mind.Not the way Dominic Giac Giacobi wanted, but I didn't realize karate could suck at the time.So seeing something that was karate and magic, but also stupid, like, it was, I don't know.Yeah, it was kind of like that, but not as cheap as like, oh, I get irony.
12:36You know, like it was as if I discovered a new color.These were very sincere people failing and kicking ass at the same time.And they were like from a universe with different rules.Like they just didn't care about the rules of our universe.They're like, fuck you, karate trance.I'm going to pull a van with my teeth.I turn my skin liquid.It's fine.
12:54It's easy.I did write about this like 15 years ago on Cracked in an article called four instructional videos made byand four crazy people.The other three were about dirty line dancing, which was this hilarious countryline dancing instructional by a guy who like was legitimately bad dancer with terriblerhythm, but he added the super fierce pelvic thrust whenever he could. So that's what made itdirty. Another was a video about packaging porcelain dolls, just this really haunting video abouthow like put neck braces on these fucking ancient like ghost infested monsters. And then the other
13:27was about a lady who did sponge crafting stamps and she would like dip sponges into inkand then streak them across index cards and fucking come. I'm not even kidding. She'd be like,look at all of those wiggles and just fucking ejaculate.Just the wiggles.It was just about like the texture of the sponge?She just, no, she would like see the like, that's a art that she made.And it would like just take her to a really sexual place.I put a short clip of that video online so people would believe me because no one would believe.
14:00You don't believe me now.But she's so intense about the wiggles.Anyway, I had this YouTube channel that was just for videos.in cracked articles. And the day that article went live, she copyright struck it over and overuntil they just shut the channel down. So she single-handly broke the links at about eight of mycracked articles. But, I mean, she's dead now, so I won in the end. That's how that was.Anyway, let's talk about karate size. That's, I think, enough of my origin story. Welcome tothe most indulgent of all of our episodes. So this video opens with a pretty serious warning and
14:35Fair enough, because if you did copy this video, you might die.Yeah, this is up there with, like, Jackass in terms of, like, legitimately don't do this.See, I thought that was amazing because Jackass was, like, the first time they had to do that.And they didn't even have to do that in the early Jackass.Like, they had to do that when people, like, actually started getting hurt doing it.But before that, baby, it was Wild West.Like, there are Jackie Chan movies where people actually just die on screen and they're like, yeah, you can try it.Go try it.
15:04We don't get a shit. What are you going to do? You're going to sue China? Like, it's not going to work.So it was incredible that, like, of their own volition, without being forced, they were like,children, please don't try these stunts like that. The level of consideration is crazy for 1987.And they stop and read it. It's not just like it scrolls past. They're like, no, we're going toslowly read this wording to you. We didn't even track children. Like, we had, if a child died,no, you would only know, like, by context. You would only be like, like,when they didn't show up to work at the coal mines.Yeah, this is why we had like 16 children per family back then in the studies.
15:40Billy's either dead or he moved.Nobody's totally sure.We wish him the best of luck either way.Do you think the woman reading this stuff out loud is Gio Kobe's sister?The one playing the piano who gets attacked.Because she had this really kind of like piercing jersey accent that I sort of detect when it's not the other voiceover guy.Yeah, she sounds like Annie Potts.yeah yeah she's like got a real ghostbusses what do you want like way of delivery hey body leave me
16:09alone i'm just trying to play my piano you look you motherfucker all right i do have a clip of theintro here you'll like itsee i don't think the music had to go this hard this is false soundtrack goes so hardI tried to shazam all the sound track stuff.The back half of the video, it didn't work.Body as size, a unique blending of exercise and karate techniquesdesigned to develop the mind and kinds of thinking through the philosophies of ancient Korean karatewith methods of exercise to deliver rapid weight loss, body firming, agility, coordination, and self-confidence.
16:52Your host and instructor, Master Dominic Giac Giacobi.My name is Master Dominic Giac Giacobi.In the next section, you will be seeing exciting footage of the mind masters in action.Remember, these beats are the result of many years of training and concentration.Never attempt any of these feats, for they are extremely dangerous.Thank you.So a second warning from the master Dominant Giacobi.And, like, fair enough, because, like, what they do next is just a super cut of karate people
17:22busting through boards with headbutts and spin kicks.I mean, we all agree it plainly rules, right?Yes.I mean, yeah, it rules.I am a little confused.You guys know more about martial arts than me.Is it just called ancient Korean karate?I feel like they would probably have a name.
17:38It's Tong Sudo is what his style is.But Tong Sudo is a form of karate.It's not inaccurate, but it's a little...See, I just found that in the introduction, he's like,just ancient Korean karate.It should be called something.You should probably tell us about it's like right away.Well, he does like a kata early where he's, which is when you pretend to have a fight against like 15 dudes.
18:01But they say this special form of Korean karate designed as a gift for an ancient prince.And I'm pretty sure this is bullshit.Like there's, I didn't even look it up.I'm like, that's a terrible gift.To get a karate ho-down, you get a little karate line dance in exchange for your heroic deeds.Like some guys get fucking mountains named after them.You got a karate line dance.That sucks.
18:24That's how you get haunted by an ancient.Korean prints, like, for sure.I need you to clear the room and give me a full eight minutes of your time.Yeah, I need like six, six yards in every direction while I do this.So there's two things that really bug me about this montage, this intro.First, the voiceover guy calls it Karatea size.It fucking, it makes me so mad and so irrationally angry.He does it. Dominic Giacobi calls it Karatea size later, too.
18:51Yeah, but then, like, they say it correctly, but misspell it several times in the back half of thevideo.They did not understand what this way.They didn't land on what this was called before it killed the video.Yeah, I don't think they ever agreed on it before they recorded anything.So the other thing that bugs me, though, is there's like three seconds of footage in thismontage that isn't board breaking.And it's three different rapid hit cuts.
19:14One, a fist breaks through a wall next to a woman using a rotary phone.Cut two.A man picking up a child by the ghee and the child's socking him in the face.Cut two.A close-upSomeone trying to karate chopThis like Fred Flintstone ass boneAnd failing.
19:31Yep.And failing.And that never comes up againfor the rest of the video.And I want to watch that video.I think they just had so much beef footage.They're like, we don't, we don't have space for this.Just cut the exercise part.
19:46Yeah.Yeah.For, yes.Which is what I did in my notes.Same.What was really surprising?to me about all of the footage because they go through all the stock footage and a bunch ofquick cuts. There's a lot of stuff in there. It's all, it all appears to be at like hotel conferences,
20:05like, conference centers. Did they used to have karate conventions? Someone linked to an article thatdoesn't exist anymore in a forum that briefly lays out a part of like how in 1982 he hosted somemartial arts like show slash conference at Resorts International, which is why that Resortsinternational thing is in the background, and that's an Atlantic City on that boardwalk,which is why he's doing all this, like, weird Venice Beach bullshit out there.Yeah, they're New Jersey-based, their schools even today.See, I assumed that this was just some other convention, like a bunch of dentists orwhatever, and then they hire weird entertainers.
20:42Like the professional wrestling, like the Battle of the Breakfast cereal.Exactly.I can't decide if that kicks ass or it's going to be, or you're getting a riot of like insurancesalesmen.They're like, where are the dead?Yeah.Well, Mark and I remember we rented that tape from the Portland Library, and it was like about bullwipping.And this lady, all of her footage, she recorded all of it at like different conventions.
21:03So she'd go to like some convention out on the show floor and be in a little cubicle, like, whip at a bullwip around or be on some little shitty stage like this in a conference center.Because like there's no one, where else do you do a bullwip show other than like some fucking random conventions?Like those things where like you walk around and people like try to sell you like knives and other shit that you'd buy on.Yeah, it was like a supplement conference.You go there and they're like, hey, you got to try Timosil.And while you're there, watch this lady that does the bullwhip.I forgot about that video.Like a general weapons conference and then they have sub-specialties where you can
21:37like go in a hotel room and watch and watch Dominic Giacobi.So your brain's still trying to link this.I'm telling you that there are talent agencies that just will fill random minutes.So it's like these people are here to look at like industrial louisies.lubricant, and they just need something to draw the eye.And so they'll have like a beautiful girl or just a lady with a bullwhip orkarate men.But the lady with the bullwhip doesn't have to tie it.
22:04She doesn't have to like, I've got to whip this lube into shape or anything, nothing?Maybe, maybe not.I don't know what her, I don't know what the writer in her contract says.But that's what I took it to be is that they, this is just the only public footage theyhad of them performing as.I think they had like a full day or two of,of this shit that they were doing.I think this was like a thing they put on.
22:27That's what I'm saying.Like this is a lot of convention footage for being like,even if it's just we're up here for 15 minutes toto prove that you can break your sales records like I'm going to break this board.Right.This is like,I mean,if this was all from one show,
22:43this is like a four hour show.Yeah.It seems like it must have been excruciating.Cut down to 30 minutes.It's fucking awesome.But like,because we're seeing it like just the board breaking.they even in the video you can tell that some of these setups take forever like they get like four boards
22:58they have two guys hold them just exactly right and then measures his run out and then fucks it upand then tries it again and fucks it up and for two of them they'd like bring a piano on a stageyep yeah there's a lot of props that one guy has like a full wolf costume we'll get to thatwe'll get to it when I was a kid I thought this karate was okay but like as I after a lifetimeof like martial arts and films and training it's pretty bad likeLike, he's like, I'm fifth-degree black building.It's weird you lose your balance so often, buddy.Just standing.
23:29Yeah.Yeah.Anyway, there's no time to dwell out.The movie never stays in one place more than a few seconds.We're on the boardwalk where the Tongsudo school filmed themselves doing tricks.And the first one he does is pull a Chevy van with his teeth, which is not karate.I do have a clip of it.It's really cool.
23:48Master Giacobi planned to pull this 6,000-pound Chevrolet van.All right, not a bad trick, but the rope wrapped around his waist.But wait a minute, the rope I'm told won't be wrapped around the waist.It'll go between his teeth.What?Uh-huh.And then here it goes.This is one of those things you just can do if you feel like it.
24:14It does make me wonder if I can do this.Where I am in sort of a trance state.Actually, as a warrior would go into battle,they'll put themselves in the same trance like state,and this would enable them to withstand any injuries while in battle.I really don't feel it at all as far as to my teeth or jaws.I try and totally blank the mind out,so I'm not really experiencing the physical end of it.
24:43I go into the same trance for blowjob competitions.See, I like to feel my teeth getting knocked loose during those.Like, I'm fucking barbarian style.Do either of you think you could pull a van with your teeth?I think after watching him do it, I'm convinced I might be able to.I think I'm probably 50% stronger than this guy.Yeah.Yeah.
25:03I feel like I could pull a van with my teeth.Absolutely not.I would just, I would crumble like those old 3D puzzles of skeletons.Just a jumble of bones and loose parts.No.Definitely not.Can I just say the only thing I want to say about this bitis that karate van fucking whips ass.
25:24If that's for sale somewhere,that's a serious fuck band.And I hope it still saysTang Sue on it.It's so cool.Yeah, it's a black van and it says a bunch of other stuffbut in giant letters it just says karate on the side.You're like, fuck yeah.
25:36Fuck yeah.You know that thing's carpeted on the inside.Karate van is like cellar door.It's just this beautiful set of syllables.I think that whole crowd that gathered on the boardwalk is just like,what a fucking sweet-ass van.Yeah, for sure.Get that guy away from it.
25:52Stop biting the van.I don't care if you can bite the van.I don't give a shit about that.I would have assumed that, like,they just couldn't get a tow truck onto the boardwalk.Not that this guy's in a karate trance.I would have just not like the tow truck driver's just like,I can't get my truck in here.
26:08Everybody step back.I'll pull it with my teeth.No biggie.His next trick is he has 15 knives blade up in this little box.And so some host guy comes in his show.These are real knives and he slices a cucumber.And then Master Giacobi, he trances up.And they delicately walks down.
26:22them, but, like, this is how, like, a cool physics teacher would explain pressure.Like, this is not anything.If you step on them at the same time, then your foot doesn't get chopped by the nature of, like, how our laws work.I think, you know what I'm thinking of it.Like, if someone said, hey, 15 knives is too dangerous, just do one.Like, you'd know that person's an idiot and that the knife would go right through your foot.Right.I like how I do like his showmanship, because after he comes off at the end, he, like, very awkwardly holds his foot way up in the air and, like, pivots around to show everybody his foot.
26:52Yeah, it's like, oh, that's the showman's flourish we all need to see in your goddamn foot.What a prestige.Have you ever seen, have either of you ever seen Miami Connection?Yeah.Yeah, he does a lot of weird foot stuff too in that movie.Maybe that was just like footstuff was like karate foot stuff was a thing.Yeah, you got to back then you really had to like mash together your niche genres if you were going to succeed.So I believe like karate and foot guys had to be, you got a lot of overlap.
27:22Before the internet, you got it where you could.So that one's kind of sad, and not also really martial arts.Maybe more martial arts than the van, because he did kind of hold his foot up like it might be a kid.Anyway, the point is the next one is a nerdy guy named Lester who jump kicks over a car, but not like a real car, like this little itty bitty Fiat.And they show the three times that he fucks it up.It's the funniest possible choice.Like, they say he's going to do a flying jump kick over a car and I'm like, fuck yeah, that rule.and then they're a fiat and then they show it and you're like no that's the that's when you're
27:56learning how to do this a convertible too and they took the top down believe they took theconvertible fiat with the top down it's literally like 18 inches high i'm not joking when i say likemost middle school basketball players could do this like this is like this is a drill you would do forlike barely above average athletic children i i can believe i can believe i could jump that fiatbut I doubt I could break a couple of pieces of cedar at the other end of it.I'm mildly impressed.I doubt I could prevent myself from breaking those pieces of cedar at the other side.Shoot right through it, bouncing into the ocean.
28:33It wouldn't be with a jump kick.It would be with like my hip or something, but some would break.If you dunked over this in a dunk contest, you'd get like a 20.Like Shaquille O'Neal would frown at you.Get a real car, man.And then he'd come over and eat the fiat.I think Master Giacobi included this so he would look the coolest.He's like, look at these dumb assholes trying to do shit funny.
28:56Why did they include so many clips of him failing?Like, well, why you can edit this to, why include all the fails?I think Mark's wrong.I think Master Giacobi is a shitty guy.I think he did this to hurt Lester.The next they show they act out a sexual assault scenario for the dentist convention.I have a clip of this one.It's pretty weird.
29:21Believe me, it's a great tool to defend yourself,especially if you're a black belt and have all that training behind you.We're going to simulate something for you.Barbara Cheesman, who is Dominic Giacobi's sister,who is also a black belt.You'll be the old helpless bar room piano player at 2 a.m.,and I'm going to be the creep,walk in and try to pick her up to go have breakfast with me, of course.
29:44That's all I have in mind.We're going to simulate that for you.Now to show you what it's like when you mess with.the wrong people.Hey, how you doing, sweetheart?Listen, buddy.Buggle up.I'm really tired.
29:59I'm really tired to me.Maybe we can go home and get more tired together.I'm warning you.That's a good line, Mitchell.He's just wailing on his dick.He's going way too hard.like they're not like stage fighting she's like i'm gonna fucking turn your dick inside outi just i'm okay what commitment i must applaud that man what commitment to the bit to grow that
30:30entire haircut just to play a creep just to convincingly play a creep yeah yeah uh he also uh i thinkhe's the the voiceover guy for the whole video and he has that um yeah like a like the cadence of likesomeone who's like a sports announcer from the 70s.I kind of like it.Yeah, no, he seems like a pretty good broadcast professional.Maybe not in his comfort zone doing the sexual assault thing.Or maybe he was.I don't know.
30:56It's hard to say.Next, Master Giacobi steps on a bunch of broken glass and jumps up and down.And again, it's the same thing.It's just like, yeah, that most of that glass is not going to cut you.Yeah.He says he turns his body to liquid to absorb the sharpness of the glass, which is adorable.That's fucking a crazy shit.to say, even for a karate man in the 80s, I use karate magic to turn my body into a liquid
31:21because the human body is mostly water.It's the best.Yeah, it's original.What an insane thing to say that would have absolutely got me to sign up for your dojo as a child.Somebody said, I take my karate class and you'll learn to be plastic man.Like, okay.Never heard that one before.I think this is maybe when I was 10 years old when I realized.
31:44he was full of shitbecause before I was likemaybe a karate trance helps your teethstay in betterwhen you're pulling a vanbut then he's likeyou know you turn your body in a liquidand I'm like
31:53can karate masters just lie?Like it's just like it didn't occur to methat like what the fuck is going on here?We're watching your feet and they're not meltinginto water like it's a superpowerthey're just feet.Something doesn't add up here.Then he like lays down in the glass
32:09and they put what they claim is 500 pounds of cementon him. I don't. I think that'spossible. Probably not.And then they break it with a sledgehammer.So yeah, this is just like bed of nails style magic tricks.They show him training with little kids and they only show like two seconds of clip andit is him side kicking a kid off his feet.Well, really, if you're, you're thinking when you hear that like, oh, like an 11 year old,
32:36no, like a 3 year old.No, yeah, he's just fucking taking this little kid out.like those that might have been those kids first steps and he kicked him straight over yeah he'spulling no bunches with that kick i can't imagine a parent not charging the karate instructoragain we didn't track children they had no idea that child simply never came home after thatthey were like ah i don't know he must uh he must have got a job or somethingthe next one's really really weird even by these standards it's a lounge singer umPerforming, Hey, There Little Red Riding Hood while this, like, nine-year-old girl gets stalked by a man in a wolf costume and then, like, just stomps his dick into dust.
33:22A real perverts wolf costume, too, of the sort that you look at that and you're like, don't, I mean, even if it's stomping, don't touch the dick area.That's what he wants.And it's such a sleazy take on that song, too.And he's just like walking eyes on this child that she skips around.Hey, they're a little red.It's gross.And he's in a blue tuxedo, which is also fucked up.Just staring at her while he's playing that piano,
33:49talking about how she's looking good.You sure are looking good.After she does her little karate sketch and the wolf falls on the ground,that we linger for a very long time on the wolf's dead,lifeless eyes as he lives still on the floor.Like, that's a good way to end that.I get it.I agree.
34:07I just, why was there no effort to change the lyrics?that song. It couldn't be like, your day sure is going good. Like, you don't have to likefucking leer at a child. Yeah, he did not have to make it that smart me. Yeah. Just on a randomsuper cut, there's a dude like breaking flaming boards on the beach and he kind of fucks it up andhe like hits himself with flaming debris. Uh, adorable. Um, and then a Master Giacobi's friend,Master Don Straga, he lays down under a Harley, but not like you're thinking, they,they wedge in between these two little ramps so it's real gentle when it rolls over him. Um,Anyway, mind master
34:41You just let a motorcycle roll over you a little bitAgain, this is pervert shitIt isAnd they're very like particular that it's likeRolling over a solar plexusAnd like I don't knowThere was like a weird amount of like medical detailTo the entire procedure that I think was supposed to impress us
34:56Yeah, I don't knowIf that guy asked you if I got I have a motorcycleI'm familiar with these kind of pervertsThey always ask you will you roll over me on your motorcycleIt's for karateI swear it's for karateIt's notIt's my solar plexus I can turn my body
35:09into liquid. It's not weird. It's not weird.You don't need to tie the little black belton your dick. I get it. I get whatthis is. I am going to wear this littlered riding hood outfit.That part is a sex thing.Okay, so we do know more super cuts oflike headbutting
35:25through cement blocks andone guy slaps through a wall of ice. It's sofucking awesome. A guynamed Fred Karajap's a brick and halfwhich is just, that's one I probablywouldn't try. BecauseI know I'd fuck that up and then it would really hurt.Is every single one of these things something the power team would go on to do just a few years later?
35:44It's very power team.Very much.Yeah.Which makes it kind of blasphemous that they're not crediting the power of Christ, right?Like if the power team is the next, if you pan the camera over, they're the other, right next to them on that boardwalk doing the same shit being like, it's only through the power of Christ that I can do this.You guys need to fucking knock it off.You know, some say power of Christ, some say karate.two sides of the same coin maybe
36:09I think God knows karate but I don't think his powercomes from karate I think is like the distinctionI want to make. I told you so many times there's nokarate in the Biblewhich is bullshitI added some in crayonokay this video is like it's reallyrad and then here comes the ultimate
36:27and it is a thing Master Giacobi did for 30 yearsstraight like without ever changing it he jams motorcyclespokes through his elbow skinwhich over the years he never changedthe spot, probably because when you build up scar tissue, you can just jam some spokesthrough your arm. Then he hangs buckets of water from those spokes. It's, I don't know.I don't know if you've ever seen like when people like hang themselves like sexually frommeat hooks. It's like sometimes something goes wrong during your first boner and you just
37:00put fucking meat hooks through your skin. That's kind of what this looks like. It looks like a sexthing. Like he was carrying water home one day and there was a terrible motorcycle accident.And now he's just like, oh, no, they crashed me. I'm James Spader now.Yeah, so he's James Spadering. And then it goes completely off the rails because now he likestands up on some swords, but not on the swords. He like, he's definitely on the wooden part ofthis. So this part is just a mere optical illusion. And then,he hangs like more shit from his teeth. I have a clip of this. It'll help explain.This technique was developed by soldiers over 2,000 years ago. And the American Indian used a
37:47similar technique as an initiation into the ranks of an elite class of warrior. Besidespain control, the flow of blood can actually be altered. A thousand years ago, they didn'thave doctors to stop the bleeding. They had to develop themselves as our soldiers developedthemselves to shoot a rifle, well, they had to develop themselves to be able to control theirbleeding. They had to be able to control the pain. So in a situation, instead of them bleedingto death, they can continue on and live. Instead of bleeding, they could continue on and live.He's saying that you can just simply not bleed by thinking hard enough or not too hard.Yeah, I mean, I like, like, I'm not a history major, okay, so maybe I have this wrong,
38:31But I do, there's just part of me that suspects that we may have invented basic medicine before we invented karate.Not the karate trance.The karate trance goes back before bandage, definitely.All the way a thousand years ago before we had bandages.Somebody check on that is all I'm saying.He's maybe, he's not the greatest public speaker.Maybe he's got off by a, by a epoch or whatever.I'm also going to suggest, and I don't have any proof of this, but I'm just pinching.
39:01kind of that bottom part of my forum right now,and I don't feel anything.I'm not saying I want to pierce this skin.I'm just saying if I had to pierce some skin,this is probably the first area of my body I would pick.Yeah.Yep.And then the second time you did it,
39:15probably wouldn't bleed that much.Third time, yeah, you got scar tissue.You just do it whenever you want.Like Master Giacobi, this exact trick is in his books over and over.Like, I think it was nine times in the book I read,was a picture of him doing this exact trickthrough the decades.It's just the strangest pile of things.
39:34It's the kind of shit you could get away with before the internet.Yeah, man, I mean, if I didn't have the, I remember times before the internet, and if I waswalking around outside and some guys like, I'm going to use karate to put motorcycle spokesthrough my elbows.I would have been like, I'm not into that, but I get you.All right.Yeah, it makes kind of sense.It might go wrong in a funny way.
39:54But he kind of never made it.Like I said, he was on, that's incredible, which was a show that people would just go on andyou know, five or six people an episodehad come on to do a very strange sort of circus trick.And he was one of those people.I know that because it was in his book 11 times.But anyway, this is the...So now that we...
40:13Let's move on to the workout.The first part of the workout is like some moves.So he teaches you how to get out of a strangle.Mark, you want to try to describe how to get out of this strangle?Do you remember this technique?Is this the one where I put my fist,up perpendicular, and then I reach around the strangling arms to grab my own fist. I thinkI twist left. Yeah. And then I elbow in the neck. Yes. Twist to escape. Twist for revenge.
40:44Yes. And I mean, I think, I don't think you've written about him yet, but didn't this totallyremind you of Khazja? Oh yes. This is some Khosja shit. Kostja. Everybody knows Koshhe was in the film. Uh, uh, not that, not blood support.The knockoff.What was it?What was it?I'm very sleepy.We can talk about cause John another day, but he's this guy that kind of turned Hawaiian and, like, made a karate video with these, like, leotard babes.
41:15He's pretty cool.He's pretty cool.Yeah, I like that way better than this already.I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm fully on board with that.We should definitely watch that and do another podcast.I'm thinking shoot fighters, the movie I'm trying to come up with.Yes, that's it.I've seen, what, 45 times?
41:30Blood business?What's the opposite?Blood business.Yeah, he's also in blood business.He was also Mark, or Robert Zadar's stunt double in.I want to see like future fight or some movie that's like that.Did he have prosthetic chin?Yeah, he just attached a catcher's bit to his face.
41:51This whole section was such a jump scare for me.Because like, like when they fade in on it and they fade in on it and they fade in on itthey say, the lady says, self-defense is karate at its most everyday useful.You're like, I think you should give that one another shot, but no, they move right pastthat. And Dominic Giacobi is standing in the foreground in a black track suit, and like,they're in a white void. Everything from here on out happens in a white void for some reason.It's really unsettling. And there are two blue-suited track suit figures, like,behind him frozen, because they're about to do the demonstration. He gestures for them to go
42:27ahead and they start moving and I'm like whoa holy shit how did they get that special effects sosmooth I did not realize half of these karate guys were not Dominic Giacobi I thought that was himin the background it does amazing it does look like he is standing in a separate dimension from thepeople doing yeah I thought that was like a still and they were going to throw to it and then likeit all moved too smooth and I was like oh shit I had like a a fighter flight reflex right therelike oh there are too many of these guys and someone like next toyou starts to roll forward and you, like, had that moment in your brain.We're like, am I rolling backwards?
43:01Yeah.Yeah, what's happening?Time doesn't work like this.You can't do that.And then I slowly, like, retroactively realized, oh, my God, there's like four men in thisvideo that I thought were him.I thought he was doing all those tricks.Amazing.
43:16That's the best kind of karate trance when you could, like, mirror image yourself.I thought he knew how to do way more things than it turns out he did.Yeah, he can pull a van with his teeth and he can stick motorcycle spokes through his arm.I think this kind of move is the best type of stupid karate because it's not magical or theoretical like a lot of martial arts.Like if you teach someone a lethal chop, they'll think, sure, maybe.I'll never know.I'll never use this because I don't want to kill anybody.But like you can try this move.
43:42You can just have a friend strangle you and see if this dumb shit gets you out of it.And can I guess it won't?Probably not.I mean, if they're a pussy and you're not, maybe.But like this, it's just something you can test.And I feel like of all the, it's a weird choice to teach someone a move that probably won't work and they can check.Can I add an addendum?All they really present in this video, it's just the one guy doing the reenactments.
44:09And what he is giving is Frankenstein.He is playing Frankenstein.His arms don't bend at the elbows ever.Even when she's beating him and turning them away and stuff, he's like his legs don't bend at the knee.he's afraid of firehe likes to strangleall of theseare just built
44:31to counter a Frankensteinand through that lensyou're like okayexactlythat's good karateand he opens up this sectionby sayingthere are karate
44:40has hundredsof hold breaksand here's two of themand you have to wonderis this the best you gotyeahof all the choicesyou could have made
44:51it's a very strange onebut Brockway's rightLike most karate demos like this are sort of designed against Frankenstein.Like you start to do your escape and like there's no adjustment that Frankenstein can make.He just has to watch you do your series of things while he holds very still.Like a normal human, his elbow would have just bent where she pushed her elbow out.Like his arm would have just bent a little bit.He would have been like still strangling.
45:13What are you doing?Frankenstein would be like, fucking, was that magic?What did you do with your arm?Is that broken?Are you okay?They do the same thing.There's a reverse bear hug escape.This is where you just sort of stick your butt out to one side and, like, do a really unlikely no-hand judo throw, which again, you can, you could, yeah, it'd work on a Frankenstein. I don't know if it'd work on a human. Then there's a wrist grab. Like, you just, someone grabs you by the wrist and, and you, and you, like, snap your hand open, and then you twist your hand and pull it away. It's kind of, it's not even worth describing. It's just sort of like, hey, if somebody grabs you, like, leave, just try to leave. I think this is the one that made me, this is the one that made me think of Cosja, because he has the same implication.
45:53that opening your hand somehow makes your wrists so wide it can no longer be held.That's amazing.You can try that one at home.It does not.So there's still no workout.Like this is a workout video.It starts with a karate kata and it's kind of awesome.It's just a real standard like punch block, turn right, punch, punch, it takes forever.
46:12He really thought you'd be doing this along with him.This is the one that they dedicated to like the hero prince of ancient China or whatever.This is what he got.Yeah.It's also dedicated to all yellow bell.It's pretty standard tongue pseudo yellow belt test.This is in place of a medal of honor.Fuck you.
46:30I'd be so mad if I was that ancient magical prince.I'd hit the trap door button on you.Do that to the rancor, you son of a bitch.Imagine like meeting a great warrior and telling him this is how I honor you.He'd be like, I'm going to, you know I can kick your ass.Like, you're honoring me for kicking ads.It's probably designed specifically for when the prince says I'm going to kick his assand the guys come out with the spears
46:53and you have all these blocks perfectly planned.Like, oh, nothing works against him.Everybody attacks from one direction at a time.It's also like, it's like eight minutes.I timed it.It's like eight minutes of him doing this over and over and over again.It's kind of funny because he has this real like,like violent spasm when he throws his punches.
47:12Like, it vibrates his whole upper body.Like, he's really fucking meeting this.Really good, like, video game hair physics.Like, everything just kind of like,or like a conditioner commercial.I just, I find it comforting the way his, his droopy dog jowls flap when he punches in slow motion.It's just, I don't know, it's cute.There's, there's a comfort to it.
47:32His sort of panicked look in his eyes is he's like punching towards the camera and like super, super slow motion.Oh, I hope this doesn't kill them.I hope force doesn't shoot out from this punch and explode them.It's a risk every time I throw a punch.We're obviously not going to talk too much about the actual workout, but I did take a clip of the warm up.You're going to like this.Yeah, get that music going.In the warmup, as in all our exercises, keep the knees slightly bent, and do only what you can comfortably do at your own pace.
48:13Never strain her over at your breath.I guess I was just trying to demonstrate one of the things I loved about this video,which is that the music has lyrics,which is kind of a weird choice for like the workout,because someone's trying to give you instructions,but then there's also a voiceover giving instructions.So many times there's three people talking at you at once.It really is the worst of all worlds.
48:41But like, but the music is, the music is so good.Like I really, I really did try to shazam some of those songs because I like,like every single one, every single one sounds like it's like the music that would play as the credits start to roll over a movie where like kids want a downhill skate jam to save an orphanage.Like it's right. Police Academy goes to Venezuela is like, oh yeah, okay. Like good energy. That has to be just a demo tape they found somewhere because like it does run out. Like it runs out towards the end of their routine and they didn't time it. So they just have to.to do the last, like, three sets in just grunting silence in a white void in your life.Don't show me this.It's also just a touch off center, enough that it's, like, frustrating.And every time the camera moves to recenter it, it makes it worse.
49:34Yep.This whole, like, last section of the tape is just, it feels like I shouldn't be seeing it.Like, I, it's like wandering into the back rooms or something.You're like, no, I shouldn't be here.Like, this video had to have started.out as something else.I think the first 23 minutes, and it is exactly 23 minutes, which like is like a commercialbreak free like half hour TV segment, right?
50:01Yeah, pretty much a promotion for either his like karate school or just or just like a consumer,straight to consumer like VHS of like karate magic.You got to see it.Right.But this would have been probably too early when they actually like, because I think ifthat 82 date is right, that's probably.too early to be making, like, free VHSs to hand out because, like, that shit wasexpensive. Between that and all the mysterious, like, missing footage from the opening
50:28montage, like, all the skits, like, I feel like there must have been more of this, and I wantto see that. I want to see an hour of that. Agreed. That's incredible. I want to see so muchless. I wish I hadn't seen what I have seen. Like, I would, is there a way I can trade you andgive you the moments that I watched of this? So,that I just don't, I don't need anything back. I just won't have them anymore. And you can havetwice as many. It's very possible they were trying to do it like a magic karate video. And thenlike workout videos became such a big thing. Like Jane Fonda obviously made a huge amount of money.And everyone is just like, well, shit, I could throw one of those together and maybe I'll make a
51:09million dollars. And so I think that this was his, his idea to make it more mainstream was toadd a workout. But it's impossible to know because it's all so fuckingcrazy it's like 30 minutes of working out like you couldn't either like yeah one or the other thisi don't know it's weird that it's like an incredibly bad workout video it's weird that'sincredibly bizarre promotional thing and it's even weirder that they tell you on the boxthis is exercise and you have to fast forward through literally half the tape to get to that partanytime you wanted to use this as a workout video you'd have to either watch that insane first 30minutes or fast forward. That's all part of the exercise. You're supposed to put the spokes
51:51through. You got to put the spokes through. You got to jump over the Fiat.Mm-hmm. Jump up and down on the glass. Get your glass ready. You got to fail five times beforesucceeding. That way you get your, that's the set. They do, the workout itself doesn't reallyhave much karate. There's some kicks in it, but Regis Philbin's workout video has kicks in it.Joshago Boar's video, she almost fucks the American Gladiator Atlas. Luferigno'sworkout video. His, he just like misses cues for an hour.Glufrignos like, yeah, that's a really good point.And then as he's saying that, someone will say,
52:24hey, Lou, do you think fitness could be for me?Because he can't hear.Like, it's, and then they really, they don't edit around that.Yeah.So I'm just saying, like, there's nothing really notable as a workout.I guess the Island Muzac is pretty, it's pretty unique.I like that.And the 30 minutes of flesh piercing street magic,
52:41a lot of people don't think to add that to their workout video or the headbutt attacks.anyway a perfect hour of perfect television not a single decision was saying i like literally don'tget it brockway this to me is like one of the most perfect vhs tapes i've ever seen and againi will trade you that experience in a heartbeat in exchange for absolutely nothing like you canreplace those moments with just a screaming black void and i would still take that deal1,900, Frankfurt.1,900, Frankfurt.Our podcast can't, and with maximal in show.
53:19Talk Frankfurt podcast?Correct.Yeah.The craft is nitratis, not,you're not under.Shicked you in the hunder zone.4.1 a.Come on, you can't the number.
53:321,900.1,900, Frankfurt.1,900, Frankfurt.1, 9, no, yeah.Einstein 100 Frankfort!Einstein, Frankford!Einstein, Frankford!Einstein, no, you know, you knew, yeah.
53:48Yeah, 9,000!Please welcome once again 1-900 hot dogs, very own in-house comic,the overly specific insult comedian who makes things to real.It's Mr. Jimmy Juggles!Hey, thank you. Thank you. It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh, what's a matter? A little too real.for you? Yeah, I know. I'm working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hissbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this,it's Alpha Scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guyand I watched him kill a white rhino so he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when
55:02it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh,It's a very serious crime.Oh, oh.Hey, it's Armando Nava.I see Autumn Armstrong Berg.I see Bim Talser.Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun.You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters,
55:27and your elderly self is going to curse you for it.Oh, oh, oh, oh.Oh, that one's a sprinkler.It was supposed to be a sprinkler.It's summer.I'm trying something.Brian Saylor, I see you there.Brock Way famously loves the meat millie.
55:45Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here.She got a face only a mother could love.Could, but did not.Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe.That's you.That's what you do.That's not me?Why would you think that's me?
56:04That's you.I only say true stuff about.you? Like, uh, like, uh, like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of thoseironic names. Like calling common sense's mother, Mrs. had a positive influence oncommon sense's body dysmorphia. Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's notruth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us. All right? I don't wish I was a small,frail, pale man, racked by consumption? Like that's, I'm happy being.and big and healthy.
56:38That's what I like.That's what I like.Don't question it.Here's Craig Lemoyne.Let's move on.Here's Craig Lemoyne.I see Dan B.I see David Scholl.
56:47I see Dean Costello.I love this guy.Dean Costello, he once watched someone.He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him.So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins.You guys got to stop trusting me with your secrets.Oh.Sorry, I hiccoped while doing that one.
57:07And it came out weird.I want to happen again.Delta, Fox Trot,Devin the Rogue Supreme,Doug Redmond,Dusty's rad title,Edgar Matthias,you look like you find comfort at night
57:18by telling yourselfnobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did.But I've heard it.It's all anybody talks about.Oh!Back to normal O's.Oh, it was a one-time fluke.Just like all your exes say about you,
57:35Elizabeth Shope,Oh, all right, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back.I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life.Not like Eric Christian Berg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special.Oh! I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jello. I got good.Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh look at this. It's Greg Cunningham.Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are gonna have trouble rememberingyour face after they leave for college. Oh, that one's about you. That's not about
58:23something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys.Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pengweenie. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk.Hey Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack, I got Jared Mountain,man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait until everyone'sgone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people whodidn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. Thisguy does. Not me. Jeff O'Raskey, John McCam, and I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell likeextramarital sex, my man. Everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next to you. She
59:06Just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life,because she don't know, she's worth 10 of you,because she's too fucking stupid.Oh, I got you both.Oh, I'm sorry, there was again.That's, uh, that's weird.I don't know what's going on with that.Okay, I got, I got, I got Joseph Searle's here.
59:28I got Josh S, I got Joshua Graves,I got Justin B, I got Ken Paisley, I got K&M,Hey K&M,girlfriend called just kidding no she didn't oh there we go that's the normal onethat's okay everything's normal I'm not learning nothing about myself up hereokay okay we got Kmootis we got KVH we got Lane Haygood we got LisaLisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited tonothing don't worry Lisa they don't think you're weird they don't think about
01:00:03you at all oh normal one again all right we got it we got it we gotGot it.M. Jahi Chappelle.Mark Mahoney.Matt Riley.Max Broy.Mercenary, Sissadman, Michael Lair.A. Moju.
01:00:16You carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story.Oh!That one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you.Some things.They just haunt you.Uh, Mort.I got Mort here.I got Mr. Bob Gray.
01:00:31I got N.D.What does N.D.Stand for?Non-descript.Oh.That one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a jokeNeil Bailey? Neal Bailey liked that oh, right? Right? Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff, am I right?Ha ha ha I hate that stuff. He loves it though
01:00:52Neil Schaefer. I got Neku 104. I got Nick Levino. I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete. He's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it,obsolete? Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me.Ornry Weevil. I got Ozzie Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Peewee's uncle. I gotRebrandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffledshirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person theythink they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria. I gotI got Sam Kopnick, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase, I got seed over here.Hey, Space Jam fan, now this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white
01:01:49face makeup and paint the little mole on and he's like, ooh, that's me.That's the way I wish I was.Oh, I got you, I know that's how you are.Hey, spotty reception, a super knot, Tater's Tales, Thomas Cavatzos, oh, who do we got here?You know how sometimes you can see a man?You take one look at him and you just know.You just know.This guy?
01:02:12This guy likes to titter.I got you, Thomas.I got your tittering ass.Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G., Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster.Oh, don't sink down in your seat now, Booster, I see you.I got you, I know you.You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight.I know you're tight.
01:02:32You live your whole life just hoping.Oh, you're just praying.Some big strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Rybalt.That's you. That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face.Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here.And I just know this guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies and he don't know.He don't know. Are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind ofall Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all but
01:03:12that don't matter to John Dean because every time he sees them boys minson andPranton he thinks that's me that's not the me I am but is the me I should be and hegoes and he becomes an insult comment because that's what they say the men dothat's what they say the modern-day man equivalent is of that but it justjust unfulfilled you know it doesn't it's not enough for JohnDean. He thinks he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here. You know, telling it like it is, and everybody, everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that was what you were. That's you. That's what you are. It's a joke.It's all the joke, it's just, there's no truth to it.There's no truth to it, man.
01:04:11Oh.
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