The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 244 Rubik the Amazing Cube with Hana Michels

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

Nobody's first memory should be Mickey Rooney's head, magically bisected and glued to the side of a three dimensional rainbow puzzle box. But it does explain some things about Brockway. Come listen as he makes his broken memories Seanbaby and Hana's problem. It's another Hot Dog Origin Story! Robert will go to jail if you don't buy his book. I know what you're thinking... This is NOT the time to be a wise guy. BUY HIS BOOK. https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend

1,900 hot dog 1,900 hot dog Out podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on, you know the number

1,900 1,900 hot dog 1190,000, Welcome Hot Dog Hot Dog Welcome to of 1,900 Hot Dog

's last comedy website I'm Robert Brockway and I too am trapped in a crumbling body cursed by a wizard and with me as always is the only man who can rearrange my parts in free me. It's Sean Baby. I'm happy to be here, happy to rearrange your parts anytime you need. This whole podcast, I've been fishing for you to say that exact combination of words. I'm glad we

finally got there. And our guest today, a wonderful scrambled puzzle. We hope nobody ever solves. It's Hannah Michaels. Hi. My therapist isn't. Your therapist isn't happy? She's not solving it. She's very nice, though. She's very hot, too. I feel like I shouldn't say that about my therapist. Oh. No, that's real important. You want that in a therapist. Like, why would you take advice from somebody that's not hotter than you are? Yes, that's all the time. That's why I don't have a therapist.

Speaking of a line, cis dudes drop, as we were before we started recording. There's a good one. Hana, where can people find more from you? All my socials are at H-A-M-C-H-E-L-S. I know I can't do anything about the spelling. I didn't pick it. Or the pronunciation. No, it's fine in other countries.

It's just the English-speaking ones. You know, the language I speak. Yeah, the one where you live. Yeah. It's just that one. Yeah. That's the only problem. Sean, how about you?

Anything to plug today? Yeah, uh, Hana's hot therapist. Looking good. I can't say you want to plug her hot therapists. Keep that in the show, Jamie. Uh, uh, 100 hot dog. Uh, it's a, it's a comedy website. with an all-star cast of people

that you might know from cracked or around the internet. It's the only place left to like write jokes on the internet so we got all the best people. Go to patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. That's it. That's the plug.

I, of course, am legally obligated to promote my new book or else I die in prison. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. I violated a promotional clause and long story short, unless I can now convince the lawyers

that that too was a joke like in the interest of promotion, I'm going to do. jail and I'm taking the entire site with me. I filed all the paperwork for this site. I have all the passwords to all of our various logins. This podcast was my idea. Sean doesn't want to do this. I make him do this. I make him do our podcasts. It's was I on the one where you were like my contract starts now, but screw it? Or did I just listen to that one? Why didn't you help me? Why didn't you stop me? You knew it was a bad idea. I blame all of you. If you think about it, this is your fault, Hannah. I am legally not allowed to give advice. That's true.

Listen, I'm just here to say, if I go to jail, all of this goes away. I think you people at home, I think you're going to love my book. It's one more time. It's I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. It's out next year. You can pre-order it now. It's like a fucked up comedy horror about murdering imaginary friends and little kids and stuff. That doesn't matter.

None that matters. none of that stuff I said matters. If you like this podcast, you have to buy as many copies as you can of my book to save this podcast. It's a great book. I think you'll like it in addition to the very vital act of buying it. Sure, sure, sure. That's not important, though. Why? Or things that you love will go away. That's all you really need to know. It's always good to lead with a threat. that's see that's that's that's what my therapist says all the time i i have the worst therapist he's super fucking hot though good god how could we leave

we're so all right so today we're talking about uh more hot dog origin stories uh shan did his last week and it was karate size it was really good right karate probably our best show it was i thought it was a great show You sound like you're being sarcastic, but that was a lot of fun. It was a karate workout tape, only he had, and it was like, it was like the thing that you got you started on this journey. Like, garbage can be interesting, too. Hannah, do you have a thing like that? I think I wrote about it for you guys.

My grandmother recorded some documentary. She knew nothing about. She just knew that I liked dogs, and she recorded the wonderful world of dogs. which is an Australian documentary not teaching you anything about dogs, but absolutely insanity in terms of the interviews, the feuds, the stories, the weird reenactments, all taking place in this tiny town in Australia called Mossman, the political intrigue. It's a beautiful, beautiful film.

It was great. For the longest time, I thought it was a dream until Dave found it for me. It was real. I was right. That's the best. You always have to wonder, like, how did this VHS wind up here? Yeah. How do you get?

How does anybody get this? For decades, I had a visual of a Chihuahua just hanging out in the beak of a pelican. and no idea. I thought I was just troubled. How it got in my brain. I thought it was an omen. Prophecy. No, that is a reenactment in the film.

Yeah, it's a real, you can go watch that visual. It's disturbing. It's erotic, maybe? I don't know. It's like proto-vore? Is that what they did before Vore? Before the internet ruined it? Does your hot therapist have a name for it?

Because I'm picturing it, and she would love this. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if she did, and she would. I asked my wife the same question the other day, and she said hers was Deep Impact, the asteroid movie, and then she was like, oh, I don't know, that's not a great answer. Maybe it's, maybe it's Samson and Sally, and then she just paused like I was going to go, oh, of course. Of course, yeah. I have no recollection of whatever Simpson and Sally is.

I don't know. Okay, she started describing it to me, and it was completely. fucking mental. It's a cartoon about whales going on like a hero's journey to find Moby Dick because they think he's the hero who can lead them in their war against the human race. This is a children's

cartoon. Okay. And whales are out to wage war against humanity because we've destroyed the oceans. There's like this, she brought up a clip on YouTube and we watch this fucked up musical number where two walruses play music on the bones of our war dead beneath the sea.

They like dance across all the Duncan tanks and missiles and then they do a steel drum bit with some radioactive waste and at the end their teeth fall out They get cancer and die and that's the end of the song Wow Yeah, that's weird than deep impact. That's a much better answer than deep impact Yeah, they find at the end apparently, this is all just what I read They find Moby Dick in Atlantis only he's so old. He's gone insane from dementia and he can't feed himself anymore And I was like hold on you thought it might have been deep impact over this like you can't you just don't as a kid you don't like you accept it she's like oh yeah

I must have seen that a hundred times nobody has ever heard of that is the tone as sad as it sounds or is it like kind of a zany dimension it's whimsical okay it's very whimsical only it's just filled with sad it's all about like dark dark sadness and like yeah this thing is I think it might have been some kind of European but she was like for one whatever reason she owned it as a kid and that was like her like she did Didn't even realize that was our origin story. Mine, okay, this is about mine. Mine is very similar.

It's, uh, it's an 80s cartoon called Rubik the Amazing Cube. And it's, uh, it's the tie. It's not too late to have your wife come on and we talk about the crazy whale thing. Yeah. We should come up. We should absolutely do that at some point because the crazy whale thing, it's fucking nuts. Uh, it's crazier in practice. But this, this legitimately, this is mine on, uh, I, I had, okay, I should preface this bit.

I had real bad, like, childhood amnesia. It's like a super common thing where you just don't, like, put together what they call autobiographical memories until, like, five or six. That's like common to everybody, you know, like, before you're, before you're, like, fully grown. You just don't have, like, this unbroken stream of, here's who I am, like, here's what I'm into. I see where you're going with this. So you thought you were Rubik the Amazing Cube until you were 10? Absolutely. I transplanted my memories.

No, no. I just had, mine lasted a lot longer. Like, I have snapshots and fragments of things, but, like, I don't have that autobiographical memory before, like, 10 or 11. Like, I do not. I have, like, little snippets that I can tell you, oh, yeah, I remember this, I remember that. But I don't, I couldn't tell you what my room looked like or what my school was or where I lived or who my friends were or anything like that before I was, like, 10 years old. But, but one of those snippets is this fucking show. So instead of my childhood, instead of like a normal childhood full of joy and love, I have this show. That's one of those pieces. God, a fucking nightmare.

I have a similar thing with the film Mystery Men. I don't remember. I remember stories my parents. I know stories my parents tell me about what I was like as a kid, but I don't remember being that person ever. Until like, well, what age was that? for you, do you think? I don't know. Maybe a little younger, maybe eight or nine.

I just, before eight or nine, I just remember mystery men and renting that from Blockbuster. And that's it. That's my childhood. Yeah, it's, it happens. It happens. Probable popcorn ceilings, but can't confirm. But Paul Rubin's getting fucked by a skunk.

That is in there forever, a foundational memory. Just like Rubik is in, is in my memory. It wasn't, I even remember like where I found it. And it was again, like all of us, it was a VHS tape. And it was one of those ones where somebody had recorded like eight random things on it and just really tried to crowd in everything on that little paper label. It was just like sentence at like Rockford Files or whatever in like Rubik the Amazing Cube. And these were like, you had this, right? You had just somebody had recorded a bunch of shit on a VHS.

Maybe not even somebody you know, like you found it at a garage sale or whatever. Of course. I did stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then like you go and watch it and you just hope. You just hope like, oh man, I hope it's a really good episode of the Rockford Files because this is the only entertainment I have to access for this afternoon. So like I was dimly aware of what a Rubik's Cube was.

Like I've seen it. I haven't played with it. I haven't solved it as far as I remember. I don't have one like. Nobody solved it. Some people apparently have. Liars. Mostly.

Liars. and I just remembered like I remember playing the tape and when it came on there it was like Rubic the Amazing Cube and you see there's like a Rubik's Cube there and you're like okay

I have this expectation like as a kid and you don't like it's like a subconscious expectation you don't really know if things are going to be good or not you just know like I'm going to watch this

and maybe I want to watch more of it or maybe I don't and like you don't really filter it as a kid by quality there's not a kid going like well that was dog shit. Right.

Yeah. So you just kind of take it in and decide whether you... Then that was my existence up to this point. And I just remember it being the first time where the cartoons started playing. And I was like, oh, of course, my child brain can fill in the blank on these product placement cartoons. The cube is going to be a key item. It's going to have magic powers.

Maybe each of the colors does something different. Maybe it's like he man's sword and it like unlocks something like it's literally a key. that's how that's how you do a cartoon like this with like a product placement around an inanimate toy and I was so shocked when the cartoon started and the Rubik's Cube grew a terrible old man beauty face and stunted little arms and legs

and started talking in this insane voice and I just remember thinking what the fuck is happening that's not how you do this. Hold on you said arms I don't remember this thing having arms maybe it didn't have arms it just had terrible little legs in my in my memory it definitely has little old man baby arms like sticking out that's probably mandela effect uh but like

because i i this is just like hana said like i did not i was like that was a dream i didn't that didn't exist for the longest time and then some at some point i found out as an adult like oh that did exist i i that shouldn't have existed like this is the first time i really thought somebody fucked up really bad and made something really crazy and like i don't know that kind of lifts little bit of the veil off the universe where you're like, oh, things don't just suddenly exist and then I consume them. Somebody made this and there is a chance that they did a very bad job. Yeah. It is kind of like a nightmare of a character design. Like, it's something you'd make if you forgot you were supposed to design a Rubik's cube cartoon and like your boss showed up in your

office. And you're like, no, no, no, I didn't forget about this. It's a, yeah, it's an old man baby head attached to the side of a cube. Yeah, it has, it also has feet. Yes, you're Right, boss. Yeah, of course it has feet. Of course. It doesn't need them. The head is a particular goblin blue that we really only associate with villains and cartoons. Yeah, I've written down here it looks like Mickey Rooney's corpse and a teleporter accident.

Oh, God. That's what I have here. It's a fucking nightmare to behold. Or just put them in a box if Mickey Rooney had been like dismembered and mostly shoved into a box. And left for quite a long time And refused to die Just simply refuse to die Turns out I'm mad at you guys

Whenever you just say the words Mickey Rooney Now That's fair That's fair I wasn't even thinking about that Sorry to trigger All right

Let's stop calling him Trigger warning Mickey Rooney Corks in a box It's fine I just It's a little more for the vault Right back in there That's probably good then

That I've mentioned Mickey Rooney At the start of this So maybe it'll all fold together And you can vault Rubic the Amazing Cube And you won't have to think about it anymore Because that's I promise it's not productive To know about this

Now who's the hot therapist It's been me all along baby So Rubic the Amazing Cube It was a 1983 cartoon Based on the Rubik's Cube The only fun fact I found out about the Rubik's Cube I found out a lot of unfun facts, a lot.

There are a lot of people that have a lot to say about the Rubik's Cube. The only thing that I found interesting was that he patented it. He didn't mean to make it. He meant it as like a proof. He was a professor and he meant it as a proof of concept of like, look at these novel ways you can move things independent of each other to like demonstrate to his students. And then only like years after the fact was he like, wait a minute, did I make a puzzle? I should do something with that. So he went and he patented it

and he called it the Magic Cube and he partnered with a big toy company and their only stipulation was that they changed the name back to Rubik's Cube because this was the satanic panic and they thought being associated with magic was going to be its downfall. It is a better name.

The man was a communist. They were right. Dungeons and Dragons is gone completely in modern day. And we're saved as a country. We have moral clarity. It's especially fucking crazy that they're like, no, you got to remove the word magic from this when like a couple years later they would do this cartoon, which is full of nothing, which is makes it nothing but magic in defiance of God. Everything about this is in defiance of God. It's crazy that that was ever a concern.

I had a couple of Rubik's Cube as a kid. They just sort of came into my life. I don't think anyone ever wanted one. for a present but um no one no one buys them they just we just took the stickers up we tried to solve it like over the course of the years and eventually we just tore the stickers off and then stuck them back on like kind of haphazardly and we counted that we hated that fucking thing yeah there was a show um i liked called beauty and the geek and it was a reality show where like a bunch of nerds got paired up with hot girls and they like played little games or whatever but one of the nerds came

to the show with it's just a suitcase full of rubyx cube and i thought well that's the the most perfect thing that's ever happened. Oh, that's a murderer. I just associate them with such a nerdiness. Like, of all the hobbies you could have. Like, I do cubes. I do speed Rubik's cube. It's like, wow, dude, that's.

And I need more than one? Like, why would you, why? Why do you need more than one? I think it's, because I think after you know the trick, you can just solve it in like five seconds. So you need to fuck up a bunch of them and then you can like speed solve them all together, just so you have something to do. Your genitals have long since rotted off.

That's way lamer than I was. Thank you for clarifying that. Yeah. That's actually worse. That makes me sadder than the answer that I was making up. I thought it would be like you would make some sort of sculpture where the colors makes sense. Oh, no, no, no, no.

It never paid off. I thought maybe he would share them with friends. Yeah. No, that too. No, it's lonely. It's lonelier than that. Much, much, much lonelier. All right.

So Rubic the Amazing Cube had one half season. It ran for 13 episodes. which is really bad for like a very popular toy cartoon adaptation you could make those forever in the 80s it was part of the Pac-Man hour by animation company called Ruby Spears the folks who made Thundar and just a whole bunch of other stuff rubic himself was voiced by Ron Polillo who of you of course remember as that's right he was Horshack from Welcome Back Cotter I'm glad we all shined in on that at the same time I did recognize recognize Rinaldo, like the older boy.

That's Zan from the Super Friends and Duke from G. I. Joe. Which one was Horshack again? He was the little weasily nerd, the weird one. Oh, so not my friend's dad that I grew up with. Okay. Afro. I grew up with Afro friends dad. Okay. A lot of wonderful stories today.

Is that legitimate? Like somebody, Gabe Kemp. Kaplan, I want to say. Was it Gabe Kaplan? That was the... Sounds right. Was a figure in your life? That sounds right.

House was awesome. Perfect guest. Yeah, Gabe Kaplan. Perfect guest. So their theme song was done by Minuto. Okay. Minuto was absolutely huge back then. And they...

Now, when you say Minuto, you do mean the soup, not the band, right? I do I mean you know weirdly enough it's both it's the soup and the band no it's it's because like they had this this was one of the first American cartoons to have like a diverse cast in general but I am

they were all Latino like all the main characters it's a family of kids and it's just a Latino family and so they had the band Minuto performed the theme song because they were such a they were so popular at the time only it's the other way around they were so big that Minuto had

a contract with Ruby Spears to do little shorts in between their animation blocks. And so when it came time to like, we need to make a Rubik's Cube cartoon, somebody was like, shit, we need that Minuto heat. Let's make the family Latino, and that will entice Minuto to do the theme song for the show. Wow. What it takes for Los Angeles to cast Latinos. Yes. That's how much.

They had to give in. We got a thwart Satanism and court the Latinos. This is a very Catholic cartoon we're making. I guess I noticed it. I was like, oh, a Latino family. And then I thought immediately like, that's kind of a bummer that like I can't think of any other Latino families and cartoons. And also this is like the worst one, the worst one, that they got the worst one.

Yeah. It was like, absolutely. Yeah. And the city of entertainment has no shortage of Latinos. Right. But that's why it felt like a choice. It felt like such a deliberate decision to say, all right, we'll give them one, but it's going to be the worst one.

Yeah, but it wasn't even, it was because we need their help. We need the, for some reason, they're popular Latinos. There's still an edge of exploitation to it. Yeah, great job, Hollywood. So we watched, for this podcast, we watched the pilot episode of Rubik the Amazing Cube. That was what you watched was the very first episode. Holy shit. So that means that the very first words this character says are,

Hey, candy is good. Like that's how we're introduced to the character. I have to say nothing about this cube or its powers or the way that they work is explained in the pilot. Now that's because. Or why it lives with the family. Here's how 80s I am. I just yada yada.

of that. I'm like, yeah, okay, the Q's magic, fucking whatever. Of course it is. Didn't care. Sean's on the wavelength. That's because, back in the 80s, we had a mechanism for doing all of this, and it was the expository theme song. It's true. It's nice. Ruby Q up here, freaking happy dance. The Q has changed everything in our lives. He's colorful, magical, love of all.

He's our friend. Ruby, you'll make me cute. Hello, my name is Rubic. That was it. Stunning. It sounds like someone making fun of Minuto. Like, I'm just...

Yeah. It also sounds like someone falling downstairs during the song. Yeah, at least one person died during the recording of whatever the fuck that was. you also might recognize that it explained fucking nothing somehow less than nothing but that's all you got going into this first episode of the cartoon that's all you got was them going rubic the amazing cube he's colorful he's our friend my name is rubic and like during you get there's an animation that goes with this but here's what happens uh all you see is a wagon like an old-timey wagon racing along a city street and the cube falls out of it the kids find the cube

The driver turns around and tries to run over the children with the wagon, but Rubik flies them away. That's it. Wow. Well, later, there's a musical sting that sounds so much like E.T. That it, I just, oh, yes, from space. They're just doing an E.T. Again, like, I'm from the 80s, so I'm just like, once E.T. happened, everyone tried to make E.T.

So it's just not unusual for kids to have alien friends for. No, I think he's the cursed belongings of a wizard that escaped. I think that's what that's, what it technically is, but it's anybody's, fucking guess. God, they just threw you into the deep end with this. Because you do start off

and you're following like three kids. You're following three Latino kids. Older brother, Rinaldo, younger brother, Carlos,

youngest, Lisa. They're out trick-or-treating and over their shoulder immediately. First scene is the horrible monster that looks like an old man that has

been dismembered and shoved into a box. Can I just say only one kid has a discernible costume? Is it the pirate? It's the,

yeah, the girl. Cheryl is generic ballet princess Barbie, I guess. I don't know. Rinaldo might be dressed as a famous sports player. He might just be wearing a jersey that he wears often. The cube is in costume. Yeah, the cube's a clan member.

Yeah, the cube is in a sheet. He just looks like a tablecloth. But he's also floating. So it's pretty clearly that they've got a space cube under that fucking tablecloth. The thing that shocked me the most was when the little girl said, hey, that's our friend Rubik to the woman who's like, oh, hey, why is there a goddamn floating cube next to you? Because I was like, I was certain, obviously, that this was a secret. Like, they have an alien friend and they're keeping a secret.

Like, that's the most fucking 80s thing that's ever been. So when she said, oh, no, we don't worry about it. It's not a secret from anybody. I was like, whoa, whoa, I got to rethink my whole idea of this show. But it turns out he is a secret. It turns out they are hiding Rubik from the world, and this little girl just blew it. Just instantly to the first person she saw, she's like, yeah, we're harboring an alien. It's quite dangerous.

Do you ever think maybe it was a mistake to tell all the children of the 80s that if you have a really special friend, you should keep it a secret? I think it's a good lesson to teach kids. I mean, I don't have a hot therapist, but like, yeah. I just think, like, I don't know, maybe there are some widespread repercussions of that that were. still dealing with to this day. We don't need to get into that. The kids leave and they see a haunted house and decide to trick or treat at it, even though they do acknowledge they know nobody lives there.

Nobody lives there. I dare you to go trick or treat at it. Yep. Another thing I was just like yada yada. Like I saw the haunted house. I'm like, just go in the haunted house. Don't even fucking talk about it. I know you're going in the haunted house.

No, but they have to stretch so far. I'm with you that like, yeah, they're going to go there. They knock on the door. The door swings open. They go into explore a mystery, right? and they get in trouble. Fine, fine, fine. That's the setup.

That what happens. Rubic, while they're on the porch, Rubic blows a bubble, floats up to the roof. The bubble pops, and he plummets through the floorboard of the house's porch down the stairs into the basement.

And that's the simplest way the writers could think to get three children in the 80s inside a haunted house. I'm sorry, I'm going back to the trick of cheating because the little girl said, oh, that's not a person, that's our friend Rubik.

And then another kid tries to cover for it by saying, yeah, a ghost as if like a real ghost would be a better cover story than like anyway I think the point is uh it's not better to say hey that alien's a ghost and maybe even more honest uh because he is definitely the compressed souls of very abortion right like he's technically a ghost yeah he's he's the avatar of ghosts he's like uh he's like if you have a folder full of ghosts and you and you hit Winsett. And you just like, this is the file.

Yeah. I mean, I would say more the Stillborns just because of the color that he is. Yeah. It's, I have just, I'm sorry. It's a real problem. It's a nightmare shade of blue. You're right. Normally.

It's not a color for a living thing. This was the universal shade of the undead in the 80s. This is like kind of a skeletor body kind of color. You're like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know. That's an evil, ghoulish creature. from beyond the grave. Yeah. Also, as a rule,

80s and 90s cartoons had some really weird ideas about what bubble gum would do not. Yeah, they did. As he's floating up on his bubble, the little girl's like,

you can't swallow gum. He's like a fucking alien square or something. You don't know. I would just left him in the porch for dead. He fucking sucks. We're finally rid of him.

So we get to the core. This is the core conceit of the entire. show of every episode, and it's this. Rubic, the amazing cube, only comes alive when he is in a solved state, when he's, when the

pollution, when the puzzle has been in his final solution. His, when his cubes are scrambled, he just becomes a cube that hates being a cube. He's like fully trapped in his body in later episodes. They start, because it doesn't scan, like, it's like, they show

him, he falls down the stairs, right? And that that is enough to scramble his pieces. And then he becomes an inner cube, and he doesn't move or talk or anything like that. In later episodes, they decide that's not good enough shorthand. And you can hear his muffled voice screaming for help from inside the cube. It's such a fucking nightmare. So, like, if anybody touches him, if anybody jostles him, if he becomes, like, moved around in any way, he gets locked in syndrome.

He gets stuck inside his horrible body. Presumably forever. Like, who knows how many thousands of years he was just stuck like that on some distant moon. God, imagine how frustrating it would be to watch child after child after child pretend to solve you for like two minutes and be like, well, fuck this. If you caught this at the wrong moment, you might think your, like, Cube at home was whimsically alive and just screaming to be let out, but you couldn't solve it. And all day long, you're trying to solve it to just help your friend.

Like, that had to have happened more than zero times. I think that was the intent behind the show was. like, see, kids, you have to, you can't stop playing with the Rubik's Cube after two minutes. You have to solve it because there's a little man trapped in there and he's screaming. You can't hear him, but he's screaming. He's in agony every second you don't solve the Rubik's Cube. Like, God, how devastating to a child. Here's the other thing about cartoons of that era is that like, the danger is so immediate

and understandable, like the children fall in a hole. And you're like, oh, shit, they're stuck in a fucking basement. And then, like, this gigantic dude just pops out of the shadows behind them with, like, a grin on his face. Because he's going to kill them. It was just just yada, yada. Like, he's not like, hey, who's this in my basement? He's just like, yep, obviously there's a murderer in this basement that kills children. This murderer, by the way, is a pink-haired mouth breather.

I was very attacked. This is not your people, Hanna. That's what I'm saying. This guy's got a real Hanna vibe. No. This child murder. No, you're... Yeah, a broad-shouldered, pink-haired mouth breeder.

Chaos Pixies have something in common with, like, mystical oafs. But I wouldn't say they're the same species. This is your classic oaf, and it's weird that he's not, that they're doing a Halloween episode. And he's not, he's not in any kind of costume. It's not a Scooby-Doo. It's just like a guy who's like, oh, yeah, children. He's already mostly at Frankenstein. He's like, I'm not dressing up.

That's true. He's kind of, he's got a Frankenstein build. But they don't show him saying anything. He just sees kids fall into his basement and he starts a breathing really heavy for like a long time. And then he chases the children. Like deliberately, like the voice actor's like, okay, I'm ready. Hit record. Huff.

Puff. You're like, what the fuck? It sounds exactly like that. It's really, it's really deeply unsettling. You do not have to reach to be like, uh, what's he going to do to those kids? Why is there? What's that guy? What's that huge?

huge man going to do to the lonely children? There's definitely an edge of non-murder to this huffing and puffing. Yeah. Yeah, it's not great. So the huge dude, he runs off to another section of basement to report to a mad scientist, of course, who actually calls them a bunch of meddling kids. I think you can get sued for that. His plan, his plan, okay, his plan is he has a cloning machine and he's going to use

it to secretly duplicate some diamonds that he stole. I mean, it's not a bad plan. It's just not something you need superheroes for. The only illegal thing involved in this scheme is that he stole the diamonds. Like, he has a haunted house, a fully equipped. What are we rooting for the De Beers family? I'm just saying like a good lawyer could get a conviction from the huffing and puffing at the children. I think it's already enough.

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. He doesn't have the funds for one start. diamond? It's a cloning machine. Yeah. Seriously. You don't even need a diamond. Just clone something. Just something that has value. Like a dollar. And then sell it and buy a dime. Like, sure. There's

no stakes to this and they're not involved. The children are not involved aside from just being here at all. It's not like a threat to their town or America. It's just like this guy is not going to pay for those diamonds. Who gets shit? Rubik sneaks into the basement. He overhears this just as the kids stumble into the secret lab.

And the huge guy runs after them. And the little girl, Lisa, throws some candy under his feet, which just turns into, like, pure silicon. And he slides across the floor. He gets his head caught in a bucket. It's, uh, it's goon. It's goonish. Yeah. It's mooch.

Yeah. Classic, classic oaf work he's doing here. And Rubik says he's going to take care of the bad man. And then he, like, lowers his head like he's angry and just starts slowly walking at them. He's going to scramble their bodies, right? That's how I read it. I think so. Yeah.

Yeah. For creating conflict-free diamonds, he is going to scramble their bodies. It's kind of lock them into their bodies forever. I've only seen this one episode so I don't like get his power set, but I've seen him levitate things and pass through walls. I wrote a list. Let me see.

Move liquids, solidify liquids, make stuff fly, right, untying knots. making barrels into rope and I wrote the old net trick I don't know what that is but I wrote it down I don't remember the episode

I think that's probably when he threw the tarp on the bad guys like in a cartoon if you like threw a blanket on someone that's you just bought yourself 20 seconds yeah yeah you got them and you get to remove their mask and go old man blah blah blah yeah okay

so yeah the unraveling the barrels is really I feel like he could do that to a human for sure. Like, he could just turn these people into ribbons. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. Yes, that's, that's funny. His list of powers just in the pilot episode are fucking anything. Like, beyond the bad guys actually says that.

I think the scientist says that cube can do anything. Yeah. And that, okay, the scientist says that cube can do anything after he sees the cube. Let's see, he thinks he increases his. Yeah, he increases his size, 150. fold. He freezes the scientist in a block of ice. He disappears through a wall. He makes the children

fly. All of this is within like a minute and a half. I didn't include his own body powers in that list. Yeah. And the scientist at the end of all that just says, that cube can do anything. Yeah, you did not, you did not define the powers. There's a really

funny moment in here where the kids are trying to run away from him. And the scientists, they run into a door and they like try to open the door in the scientist's lab and they can't because it's locked, and the scientist says, are you looking for this? And then he holds his hand open. And the camera gives us a super close-up

so you can see that the animators forgot to draw a key or anything. Oh, I thought that's because the resolution was low. That's amazing. There's nothing in his hand? There's nothing in his hand. That's so fucking awesome. I thought that was the YouTube video. Jesus Christ, what a show.

In that case, they would make the, in that case, they would have made the key the exact same color as the hand in forgot to draw the lines. Yeah, it's true. It's still a strange choice. I rewound like three times and looked as close as I could. I don't think there's anything in his hand, which I think is a very funny thing to do

when like a bunch of children are trying to escape your basement and shaking the door and you're like, are you looking for this and you hold out nothing? That's right. Your human hand? No, no, sir, absolutely not. There's a moment here. We forgot some of those powers

because the cube makes a bag of cement come to life. And then it like makes cement with itself and a bucket of water. and then he turns that cement into shoes on the goon. Move liquids, solidify liquids. Yes. And then he seals him in it. He pulls out two bricks from the wall and then puts those shoes into the wall, just hanging them upside down, trapped in a wall by his Achilles tendons.

This man is going to die in such pain. Yeah. It was so inspired. Like it was like he understands human anatomy enough to say like, oh, I know a fucking painful way to kill this, dude. It's going to take seven steps. So sit back. Yes. I have sealed you in a wall.

not like the way you're thinking. Like, you've become part of the wall. It's so nightmarish and insane. And that's after he uses one of his other powers, which is to shout, quick dry, and he mentally quick dries the cement. Yep. Solitify liquids. I forgot move solids, solidify solids.

And obviously he can levitate. We get that he can levitate, but these bags came to life. Like, these bags had like a whimsy and they were moving and dancing, like a Fantasia type of thing. Like, those bags for a brief moment were alive, and then he killed them. The music they were playing was very Fantasia in that moment. It's just such a completely, like, you can see this right away, like a completely insane way to solve a problem in this, a cartoon based on problem solving. Like, this is their, this is their pilot episode. It's the first half of their pilot episode.

And they're like, what does he deal with the goon? I don't know, he mixes some with his mind and quicktrize it on his feet. and then flips him upside down and takes like two goon-shaped foot bricks out of the wall and then replaces them with a goon's feet so that he's like, what the fuck are you talking about, Jerry? Like I, let's start small with like a net. Let's do the net thing first. No, no, no.

Kids will see that coming. You know what they won't see coming. We got 13 goddamn episodes of this to get through Jerry. We can't start that in the pilot. You mentioned problem solving and I think what happened next in the script was kind of interesting problem solving because like they want to put solving Rubber. Cube into the script. And so the bad guy puts the cube into the cloner. He's like, I got an idea. I'm going to make a ton of these cubes because one is so easy to deal with. But the cube is like been jumbled up. And so he makes a fucking whole bunch of jumbled up Rubik's cubes. So now the kids are like, which one is Rubik? We've got to solve them all. And I think this is pretty good writing that they've somehow, they wanted a situation where kids had to solve hundreds of abuse cubes. And 13 minutes, they found a way. It's crazy. crazy. They had to create a whole bunch of crazy shit to get there, but it has an internal logic

that's kind of consistent to get to this place where like, yeah, dude, the script calls for them to solve Rubik's Cube. Like, fuck it's what you wanted, boss. I don't know. Yeah, and the only way to do that was to have an evil scientist trap him in a jar and shake him around to scramble him. Yep. And then bring him to his cloning machine and say, the power of this cube will make my cloning 20 times more powerful. I agree. It's insane, but it's insane in kind of a way that makes sense in the cartoons. Bring the bowl

of Rubik's cubes back. Have the parents not question why they have a bowl of Rubik's cubes instead of candy? And then bring it upstairs and instead of solving them, giving up in two minutes and the dog does it. Yeah.

I want to talk about the mom. The dog says evil in the cube. Oh yeah, the mom says the word Karumba, like the vacuum. I had to write that down. I think what I liked is that, like, the kids come home with these bags of Rubik's Cube. Pretending it's Halloween candy.

I'm like, great. They can get away with this. But the mom's like, come on. I know, I know my diet won't let me have candy, but give me a candy. And they're like, uh, fuck, I can't remember what they do, but it was not a no. It was just like. The mom's, okay, I remember the mom says, give me a piece of candy. One piece couldn't hurt.

And the little girl just says, it'll hurt. right and she's like cool like the mom is not all there is what I'm trying to say and that little girl's fucking crazy that's some that's some Spartan shit it'll hurt yeah I mean I guess it's a joke

about biting into a Rubik's cube I guess well like the mom doesn't know that she's just like did my child just say she was gonna hurt me with her child fat shaming her okay okay so now the evil scientist has accidentally cloned hundreds of Rubik's Cube.

In an ideal world, they would all be a clone of Rubik the Amazing Cube, but I guess because he wasn't solved, they're just scrambled. And they've snuck them home so that they can frantically solve them and try to free their friend. Because again, he hates being a puzzle. If he's unsolved, it physically hurts him.

It's a nightmare world. Every minute that your Rubik's cube is unsolved. So they're frantically trying to free their friend from his own shattered body. And they're like, they're like one after another solving these things in their room in Halloween instead of having fun and eating candy and the little girl says this is getting exasperating which I don't think you should say in the pilot episode of a cartoon about the cool toy you're selling I don't think one of the kids should be like I don't want to fucking do this anymore it's a great point so the dog breaks into their room yeah the dog steals Rubik real quick I just want to point out the way they respond not the first time this has happened the second dog gets in there the older brother shouts he's found Rubic, like, just knowing, like, oh, yeah, the dog is not fooled by these other cubes. He'll find and murder my friend.

Yeah, the dog consents the evil in this thing. The dog knows this is a crime against nature. And they instantly say, he's going to bury Rubik alive and will never get him. Why do you hate the fucking cube so much? Like, you made the cartoon about the cube. Why are you torturing the cube? He's like, you know what we ought to do is to put this unspeakable corpse in a shell of grave? Fuck this cube.

You're going to write that in this. I mean, right? Correct. So the evil scientists and the goon see that. They're following the children, which again, not a good look. And they also give chase. They capture Ronaldo, the older brother, just because he trips like a dip shit. And they think like, ha, ha, that's enough. Now we have a child.

And they just leave. You're like, uh-oh. Yeah, abandon the first plan. We got a new one. Start your huffing and puffing. We got the kid. You just wanted a kid? And later on, you learn how you have a plane, but they're just like, oh.

never mind the cube we have a child oh fuck dude you gotta not stay stuff like that in the 80s I would have loved that they accidentally made like a hundred Ronaldo's and then the rest of the show it's not just the Rubik's cube but like having to hide 99 extra sons from this idiot woman right that would also be way more fun than what they do it's just amazing that how badly they fail in in very new and interesting directions I will give them that so the kids they cap They capture the dog, they free Rubik, and he makes them fly again so they can follow the scientists that kidnap their brother. And it's just, it's two children in Halloween costumes and they're flying dog following a sentient Rubik's cube into the night. It's visual madness.

With music as legally close as they can get to the E.T. theme song. It's absolutely supposed to be that moment. So they follow the scientist in his goon to a ship at the docks where the evil scientist apparently reports to a gangster? Like gangsters have an evil scientist on the staff? I think there's, I might be, I might be at the wrong spot, but there's a moment here where Rubic is hiding from the bad guys and he hides in a fruit bowl by messing himself up. Like he can, he renders himself inert to like hide in a fruit bowl.

But I don't, first of all, I don't think that would help you hide. But like it, to me, it's, it's been established. This is like pulling off your own head. I don't know why he would do this. How many fruits? are cube-shaped. This is... Okay, we need to set...

Hold on. We need to set all this up. We need to backtrack a little bit. Okay, sorry. Because this is incomprehensible madness in a way that is layered on top of the incomprehensible madness. Sure.

We need to reduce it. It'll all make sense. I promise it will all make sense when I explain the setup. So, they're at the boat, right? And they need to free their brother. And Rubik's like, I'll free him. I'm a fucking cube that can do

anything in the world. And so he starts floating into the gangster's hideout Now the dog is still there Remember the dog hates the evil cube So the dog sees him through the window and barks And that tips off the gangsters They're like fuck there's a dog outside We gotta do something about this

They get up and they're gonna see Rubik And he's hovering over a bowl of fruit And he says He thinks the only thing I can do Is unsolved my body So that I'm trapped inside of it And fall into the fruit Yes

Because you see, if the gangster sees like solid squares of one color, he'll be like, that's not a fruit. Yeah. What the fuck is that? But if he sees a bunch of scrambled color squares, he's going to be like, that's probably some crazy fruit. That's like a cum quat. That's obviously a cumquat.

That's one of them Asian fruits. I don't like them, but clearly. I'll try it. Obviously. I mean, it's, it's, this is all the attention that Dave and I pay to cleaning up the kitchen. And so I understand. We found a Skinnamarink phone once. So, like, I guess I could see how you could overlook a Rubik's Cube.

What's a Skinnerink phone? You know that Toy Fisher Price phone? It's the inert dead body of a space monster. Yeah. It probably was in the 1980s. Like, judging off of this, I bet that phone had a cartoon where he, uh, where he, if you called, if you used his dial, it hurt him really badly and screamed the whole time. Oh God

Every single time you put in a number It's I'm just saying This fucking The situations there This is This is worse than TurboTine Like the situations that they're finding Themselves faced with

And it's the pilot episode And he can do anything It's like oh no The bad guys see me Levitate Turn to cement Put in wall Like there's a million things

He's already done Unsolve myself Murder me And murder me And hide my corpse in fruit is like I don't know you wrote that in the pilot episode like this is some season

four panic where you're like I don't know what we're doing anymore I don't know how to get turbo teen into the sauna like it just doesn't make any sense we're coming up this shit pilot this place is built of bricks things that have edges

like cubes I don't or you could just again scramble all of their bodies with your god powers yeah like you don't You don't need to be scared of them at all. You can solidify liquids, solidify their fucking blood, man. Turn their blood into cubes, Rubik.

Just give him, like, one weakness, like, that he can only stay a coherent cube for 20 minutes or something or five minutes. I don't know. See, that's what I'm saying. There's, like, so many easier, like, just off the top of your head. Like, each color is a different power. It shoots a red shoots, you know, red shoots a laser, right? Yellow is, like, gives you super speed. I don't know, whatever it is.

Then he uses all six powers. You can only use one power per time and solve it. And then he dies forever. And his memory is so fleeting that you have to watch yourself forget about your best friend from the stars. That's what it should have been. Perfect cartoon. Not a Mickey Rooney baby corpse. Like I don't know where that came from.

Also, the fucking, the fucking head that pokes out is weird. Like, you can't just draw a face on the panel of a cube. like there's a Nintendo cartoon where the Game Boy just had like a little screen and his face was on the screen. Like, what's hard about that? Draw face in the cube. The positioning is so wrong.

The head is not fully out or the head is not fully out of the cube nor is it fully inside the cube. It's just trapped in between. It's life as hell. It's trapped on the surface. surface of the cube. It was not supposed to be a cube.

There are facial features that poke out, but the rest of the head is stuck. This is a great gazoo, and something has gone very, very wrong for him. This is like the life that he is trapped in now. Okay, so one of the gangsters spots Rubic anyway, and

now Rinaldo solves him real quick, brings him back, and then there's a little chasing one of the gangsters spots Rubic, and like, the scientist earlier told him, don't worry, don't worry, I know I don't have the diamonds, but I've got a cube that's worth a lot more. Now, any good gangster would have

questions about that. This guy's like, fucking sounds good, buddy, real valuable cube. So he's chasing the kids and he comes across this fucking godlike man baby trapped inside a children's puzzle, and he doesn't blink, he's just like, so there you are, I ain't a fraid little cube.

You don't have any questions? Wrong thing to say. Yeah, you should be afraid of the cube. There's such a sequence of cartoon nonsense here. Like, like everyone just sort of splits up. You kind of can't tell what anyone's trying to do. And everyone just keeps getting tied up by strange things. Like, like the cube wraps a fucking disassembled barrel around one of them.

And that's just to spin them. And then they put like two life preservers on them. It's like, no, you had them tied up. Why do any of this? Just dipshit cartoon logic as if it's like a grandma saw cartoons and thought she got how like Scooby-Doo work. She's like, I get the logic of this. They run between the doors and like, sometimes they're in this door.

Sometimes I get it. I get this. And then like, kills a man with the door. You're like, no, grandma, you don't get it. I don't understand how the writers didn't know how to do this when we were just fucking pumping this shit out in the 80s. Like, you don't, you don't, the Rubik's cube unravels a barrel and ties a man up with it. The end. Or the man gets tied up and the kid pulls the.

rope and it turns him into a top the end or a guy is running by and the kids throw some life preservers over him now he's stuck the end but they're like no he's got to do all of those things in a row like it's just fucking with this guy at this point yeah they get in a boat and the cubes like I'll take

the boat and like smash the other people with the boat it's like just shoot them with one fucking laser you idiot cube just turn their knees into cubes and they can't run away anymore a cube is not a good joint rip them apart teleport them to jail

Do something to their blood Let them die as little boxes Be the horrifying thing you are Put their eyes in their hands The kids are like why aren't they moving And the cubes like I turned their blood to cement You're like oh Jesus Christ Fuck yeah Rubik you're the best cube

Free frame So finally they have to get to They have to get the crooks to jail And Rubik reveals that his powers are Far beyond what you suspected He telepathically lifts the entire shipping vessel with his mind. And he's like, you're like, oh, he's going to fly it to the police station or something.

The crooks are trapped on board. No, no, no. He flips it upside down in the air and shakes it so all of the crooks drop out and fall into a nearby fish dumpster? Like a fish dumpster is a thing that we have. And the fish dumpster overturns and all of the crooks, I swear to God, this is real. All of the crooks surf a wave of fish into the backseat of a nearby cop car who was not there to arrest them.

The cops look back at them and they're like, what the fuck just happened? There's no crime to charge them with. That cop will just tell them to get out of the car. Fish surfing. I had that t-shirt in the 80s. Fish surfing is not a crime. Yeah, totally legal. It's just such monumental insanity of an order that even for these 80s cartoons is not,

like you're not doing any part of this right. This should not exist. Please make that shirt your some hot dog merch. what the fish the fish surfing is not a cry it's a good idea yeah you can't you can't arrest them for it Carlos I swear to God they tried to make this a catchphrase at least the way he delivers it he says that's my cube they go to fucking hell for that there's a moment here where like they get home and the parents are like a boat there's boat magic on the news and then rubic like flies over into a pumpkin and lights up and the mom's like oh that jacket lantern wasn't lighting up just one

to go, and the kids are like, nope, mom, don't worry about it. She's like, okay. This mom will never catch the cube. They are safe. It's so clearly just aliens have seen like five cartoons without deciphering our language and are like, we can piece that together in an attempt to communicate with earthlings. And then they showed it to the earthlings. They're like, what the fuck is this? This doesn't make any, is that a joke? This mom is one of those housewives that just swims in a sea of Valium and I'm jealous. She has it all figured out.

They're drunk to shit. They got no idea. None of that worked as even basic human logic. And it was just, it's not like I remember this episode. Like, I just remember the sensation of watching Rubik the Amazing Q and being like,

something is not right in the universe. And then that was like the first time that moment hit me while watching a piece of media. But like, going back and watching it as an adult, it's every element is so much crazy. You're like, none of this. You didn't have to do any of it. And there was an easier, simple way to do every single step of this cartoon. And you chose madness all the way.

Every time that was an option. And like, oh, yeah, that's my hot dog origin story. Congratulations. You know what? Let's listen to Rubik, The Amazing Cube again. On that mysterious night, Ruby Q up here, freaking how I began. Ruby Q had changed everything in a movie. our lives. He's colorful, magical, lovable. The whole song sounds like someone goes, this is what

you sound like, Rubik. And of course, of course his memorable. And of course his memorable catchphrase, hello, my name is Rubik. Everyone was saying that. Yeah. Einstein 100 Frankfurt Einstein knew you know yeah Please welcome once again 1,900 very own in-house comic The overly specific insult comedian who makes things too rare Ooh, really, it's Mr. Jimmy Juggles.

Hey, thank you, thank you. It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosden here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54, just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh

What's a matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, I know I'm working on that Hey, I see Adrian Hissbrook Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg look at this it's alpha scientist Java Hey and Andy I see you back there I once went on safari with this guy and I watched him kill a white rhino So he could powder and snort its horn He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime.

Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock. I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters and your elderly self is going to curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying something. Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brock Way famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe. That's you. That's what you do. That's not me. Why would you think that's me? That's you.

I only say true stuff about you. Like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling Common Sense's mother, Mrs. Had a Positive Influence on Common Sense's body dysmorphia. Whoa! Hey, come on. It's just a joke. There's no truth to it.

It don't mean nothing about neither of us. All right? I don't wish I was a small. Frail, pale man, racked by consumption? Like, that's, I'm happy being big and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like, don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne.

Let's move on, here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins.

You guys got to stop trusting me with you. secrets. Oh, sorry, I hiccoughed while doing that one. And it came out weird. I want to happen again. Delta, Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh! Back to normal O's! Oh! It was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope. Oh, ho!

Alright, I see Elliot Watson here. He's alright. I'm alright, too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christianberg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special.

Oh! I got Fancy Shark. I got Gareth. I got Jello Ho. I got good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this. It's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham? You work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college. Oh! That one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pengweenie. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack, I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here.

He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night, and then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff Arraski. John McCam and I got John Minkoff

Hey you smell like extra marital sex my man Everyone can smell it even your wife there next to you She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life Because she don't know she's worth 10 of you Because she's too fucking stupid oh I got you both I'm sorry there was again That's uh that's weird I don't know what's going on with that Okay I got I got I got I got

I got Joseph Searles here. I got Josh S. I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M. Your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay. Okay. We got Kamutsas. We got KVH. We got Lane Heygood. We got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work. because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again.

All right, we got it, we got it. Amjahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Barroy, mercenary Sissadman, Michael Lair, a Mojou, you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you.

Some things. They just haunt you. Uh, Mort. I got Mort here. I got Mr. Bob Gray. I got ND. What does ND stand for? Non-descript? Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey? Neal Bailey liked that O. Right? Right? Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff. Am I right? Ha ha. I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer. I got Neku 104. I got Nicku 104. I got Nick Levino. I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it, obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Ornry Weevil. I got Ozzie Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Peewee's uncle. I got rebrandrew. I got red wine time. Red wine time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes.

They sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria, I got Russell Bowman, I got Sam Kopnik, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Jam fan. Space Jam fan, now this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little Molan and he's like, ooh, that's me.

That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, spotty reception. A super knot. Tater's Tales. Thomas Cavatzos. Oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man? You take one look at him and you just know. You just know. This guy? This guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas. I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G., Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now, Booster. I see you. I got you, I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying. Some big, strong man

comes along and calls one of your quips, Rybalt. That's you. That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here. I and I just know. This guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies, and he don't know. He don't know. Are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all?

But that don't matter to John Dean, because every time he sees them boys mincing and prancing, he thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes, and he becomes an insult comment. because that's what they say the men do that's what they say the modern day man equivalent is of that but it just doesn't fulfill you know it doesn't it's not enough

for John Dean he thinks he's like I'm Oscar Wilde up here you know telling it like it is and everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty and it never quite happens that way does it John Dean it's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a real being a fop with a savage

wit I see you John Dean all over your face man it's all over your face that you wish that that was what you were that's you that's what that's what you are it's a joke it's all the joke it's just there's no truth to it there's no truth to it man