The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 247, Learn at Every Turn with Mark Mahoney

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

Learning can be fun! But not here. Here, you suffer. Mark Mahoney hates your brain and he's going to prove it with, "Learn at Every Turn." Warning: Contains a sexy and naked native sexual awakening and NOTHING ELSE. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert will go to jail if you don't buy his book. I know what you're thinking... This is NOT the time to be a wise guy. BUY HIS BOOK. https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend

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Welcome to the dog 79000 The official podcast of 1,900 hotdog.com Go read our funny articles Our Patreon is at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog Supporting us get you daily articles, bonus podcasts, movie watchalongs And it feeds our all-star cast

Of brilliant writers I'm Sean Baby, Internet Classic, and my partner was rated, sure, by Growing Pulse Monthly. He's the great Robert Brockway. Closest to a victory I've got, I'll take it. I'll take it, baby. Proudly wearing my shirt plaque. It's a plastic bib. We all know it's a plastic bib. Here's a Brockway fact. I actually did grow up right next to an Indian reservation, and I know some of them will scamper up a rock with their gooch out.

No follow-up questions on how I know that. I can't imagine having a follow-up question of that. I would just... I'm fascinated. I want to hear more. I just don't want to direct the story. I'll give you one more. One more aspect.

It's one word. It's all I'm going to say about it. Hornets. Okay. Now I have some follow-up questions. We better move on to our guest, another web classic. He owns Portland's second most insane private collection. collection of VHS tapes. He's Mark Mahoney. Who has no number one one? Is it you? It's probably

you. It's got it's got to be it clutches at me. That was a stupid question. Sean isn't in the top three. I do own a copy of Learned Every Turn, but that was your recommendation. Yeah. Before we get into that, though, we should do some, uh, I feel like there's something we legally have to plug or Brockway goes to jail and our website is destroyed. All right. Well, I'm, you're right. I'm legally obligated to plug my book. All right, last episode, uh, I,

I, I may, I may have playfully suggested jihad on my publisher's lawyers. Uh, I'm not committing to whether or not I did do that, but if I did do that, it does turn out Sean was right and you are not allowed to do that.

Uh, so I got to, I got to sell more copies of this book, man. I got to sell like at least three times as many copies as I did before. And it was, it was not going well before. So I really, I really need you to buy my book.

It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. It comes out January 27th, 2026. I think it's a good book. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I think because if I go down and I am going down, let's be clear. I'm taking everybody with me. I'm taking everybody you love with me. So I need you to buy my book and save this site.

I think it is a great book and a terrible way to sell a book. That's just my opinion. And the pitches are getting more and more like a foregone conclusion. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, it's looking pretty grim, but you can still, you could be, you can be the, you could be the 970 pre-orders that bring me out of this mess.

I told you before. Every time you ask us to pre-order, I pre-order another copy. Okay, that's what. We have like 40 copies coming now. Thank you. That's what everybody's supposed to be doing, and people don't understand. that it's not it's not pre-order once you should be doing it every time you hear me say it's not complicated people it's not complicated they know it's me uh they keep sending me messages says it it

won't matter we know you we know what you're doing it this doesn't count let's say they're sending that to you they're sending that to me every time i pre-order another copy they say this one doesn't count we know it's you all right all right i'm going to have to start distributing masks or something I don't know. Masks. Like when you pre-order, you wear a mask? You think that would work? Oh, I see.

A disguise scheme. Yeah. You know, I think that's as good as the first idea. All right. Well, I am going to Barnes and Nobles to do this as well. Can you start typing in like different languages when you pre-order? I do every time. Everybody.

Everybody. But that's just my baked in racism. I just do. I just do funny foreign noises all the time, because that's how I grew up. Buy my book or I'm going to prison. It's getting better now. You're tightening up the pitch. That's succinct.

So we're in the middle of our origin story series, and we're going to do Mark's origin story because you really are quite a collector of madness and your wife, of course, the famous Carly from the troubling puzzles of Carly. I am, like, specifically envious of your pallet and press collection. Like, Mark has every knife fighting, gunfighting, like, paramilitary lunatic. Ooh, some of those are very illegal. It's true. I have specifically not purchased certain ones I found.

Yeah. There's, I don't need the specter of death or jail haunting my house. Yeah. Right. Because they did famously publish that, like, how to be a hitman book. Yeah. And someone did a contract killing and they found that book in his house. And so they're like, well...

There was a murder. There is a murder's manual that has been used. So like... To be fair... Probably not that one. Everyone who worked at Paladin Press was like, no one's ever going to use this to hurt anybody. All of this is stupid garbage. And if they succeed, they deserve it, baby.

They tried harder than most. Yeah. But yeah, we have spent many, many hours digging through Goodwill together. Yes. And you're the one who found this tape that we're talking about today. This was actually like a, I found this in a thrift store, actually. This was not like an online find. This was like one of those magical ones that I was like held it, thought, ah, maybe there's

something here. And it wound up being probably one of my top five thrift store discoveries of all time. And it is like the kind of thing you can't reverse engineer because a lot of the videos we find are like you go on Amazon and you say, oh, I'm going to search for knife fighting. And you find videos made exclusively by maniacs. And you're like, all these are going to be funny. But this is, it's like a video about education put out by a teacher's union and Chrysler. Yeah.

Sometimes you see an artifact and you're like, well, this is going to be the most boring thing ever. And other times you see it and you're like, oh, fuck. And this is like camouflaging itself is the first one. And then you watch it, you're like, God damn it, this is so immediately crazy. Just nude Indians. every two minutes. And like this pervasive manic homeschool energy. We'll get to it.

And the reason I sort of like, while this isn't itself an origin story per se, I feel like it gets at the heart of why I compulsively buy tapes that don't make any sense for anyone to own. It's because you occasionally find learned every turn. And mostly you don't. Mostly you wind up with garbage. Did this come?

Was this just like a loose? tape, bulk tape that you found out in the wild or did this come with the cover and everything intact? This has the cover and I even actually have the recipes for reading success pamphlet that came with it. Oh, okay. So you're armed with all

of the information that exists about this movie. Yes. As much as one can possibly have. You above anybody would be able to answer this question and it's the main question I have coming out of this. Who is this for?

I've read through this pamphlet, and I still couldn't tell you. I think ostensibly, this is for parents trying to get their children more engaged in reading. Okay, it is for the parents. So, it is for the stupidest parents who have ever lived. It's for absolute dip shit. Somebody took your kids away parents. Yeah. To be like, here's how to raise a plant and maybe some of these lessons transfer to a child.

My friend Rachel had a really interesting theory. So she grew up in a small religious community and was homeschooled. And she's like, this has crazy small religious community that homeschools energy to it. Oh, homeschool energy for sure. Yeah. But like, I don't think it was marketed as such. I really do. Like the woman who introduces it Pat Randall, she never lists her credentials, I realized.

And I don't know if she's a teacher, a member. of Chrysler Corporation, but she does seem to speak directly to parents and not children. I don't think there's any attempt to make this kid friendly. Right. Like a little mascot could pop in and say like, here, you see how they're reading? You could find opportunities to read anywhere, kids. Like, it's definitely not speaking to children. Jamie, can you prepare to cut this?

I think the naked Indian was the attempt to make it kid friendly. you please cut that I was right but like that's the like little bit of magic that maybe the kids will you know keep in cage otherwise again if this is for the parents

these parents should not have children by virtue of needing or benefiting at all from this tape like if I guess this is kind of a quiz like if CPS took your kids away and sat you down in a classroom and played this tape and you took a single note they'd be like no you're not getting them back

So you're suggesting this video is produced by eugenicists. Perhaps. Perhaps. It's got that vibe. You've got to admit it does have that vibe. It does. You're right. Yeah.

For sterilization camp vibes. I kind of, to me, it feels like someone with a lot of enthusiasm and no, like, wisdom or experience. Like the dumbest people in the world who just did drugs for the first time. And they're like just looking around and saying things like, oh, everywhere is learning.

Look this, this sentence. These are words. Words are used for anything. The sky that teaches blue And cloud It teaches cloud Oh, most cocaine This teaches more cocaine

It's a fine point It sort of just meanders all over the place And then just hits you right in the face With the craziest last 30 seconds Of maybe any video I own Like there's like a point When I'm like showing this video to people For the first time

Where there's like You know it's like a few minutes of people being like Why are we watching this? And it's like just sit with it Just sit with it. You know, and you start to pick up on this, like, especially the dad, this, like, panicky energy where he, like, can't not be just breathing down his children's neck at all times. And once they start to get back to. But he just doesn't know what to do.

Yeah. He, like, can't control himself. He has to be telling people to do you all the time. And once you kind of get that weirdness and you start to feel the unease of this video, you're like, okay, now we're locked in. and I don't have to tell them just wait 20 minutes and we're going to see a man's balls. It is, I was going to say it's like a Jordan Peel video or Jordan Peel movie where there's just kind of a, everything seems kind of normal, but there's just this little menace hiding in the background. And it's just very haunting. And there's like musical stinks in this where I'm

like, okay, somebody's about to die. That's the only thing that music could be trying to communicate. It clearly implies. And We should just get to it soon, but, like, it clearly implies both families are being hunted by the park ranger. No question. Again, we'll get into how he becomes a nude Indian sometimes. Let's do the whole podcast. Let's do the whole podcast like this, where we just, we keep saying, we'll get into it, and we just don't. Yeah.

And we just don't. It just ends. I love it. That's great. You've seen Cube, right? The horror movie? The horror movie. Yeah, where they're in the giant cube.

and so at the end of that movie they, it's spoilers for a pretty good movie so they sort of reveal that it's like this government program that got out of hand like the bureaucracy just had this momentum so I think like that could be what happened like someone at some point said we need Americans to have more awareness

of Indian landmarks and American car manufacturing and they're like yeah sure we'll make a video and then someone said yeah make the video and like whoa okay right we'll make the video and they just didn't know how to do that but they had like $14 million. Yeah. Because there's basically like three parties that could be blamed for this, right?

There's Pat Randall who introduces and provides the epilogue to the video. There's the Chrysler Corporation who's, I don't know, in the pamphlet they talk about, hey, we just want kids to read. And because reading kids make good workers and we got to hire people who can read someday, which is like all feels very, I don't know, maybe. And then the teachers association of something, something, What are they? The American Federation of Teachers and the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.

So, like, any one of those people fucked up real bad when they made this video. I vote we don't blame teachers. Let's target Pat Randall or the Chrysler Corporation. Or, you know what, now that you say the acronym out loud, that's kind of one of those titles that, like, it seems. like it's trying too hard to sound like these are these are actual teachers it makes me doubt if that's an actual teacher's alliance right yeah this might not have any federal oversight that that could be like that could be like dads who don't believe in vaccination like that could be what they call themselves these are teachers trying to get God into school right they're like we can't

put that in the name they'll see us coming objective teachers for a neutral reality please that's a perfect name the perfect way to trick Christ into their hearts. Yeah, so I looked this up. I wrote an article about this for the site, and I couldn't find it anywhere. I couldn't find any promotional material anywhere, except I did find it in an ad in a 1993 issue of Black Enterprise magazine,

which was just kind of like a magazine for people who kind of hired black people in the early 90s. So it would be ads for like the CIA or Jobs at 7-Eleven. And it was wild. Like, I just don't think there's a consumer market for this type of magazine anymore. And so I was just like, what is this world I'm looking into? But anyway, there it was the only actual reference I could find to this video. You just wrote in, you got it for free if you wanted it.

Don't know who did it. Someone who died and left it at the thrift stores that me and Mark went to, I guess. It can't be the only place it was advertised, but like, maybe it could. Yeah, it couldn't be, right? But that's the only one I found. And I mean, if I found it there, I probably should have gotten more popular magazines. It is very funny to think of them, like, at their conference or whatever, putting up the cover of this movie and being like ads talked about in Black Excellence magazine or whatever. Right.

Yes. Yes. Wait. Wait, was it really? Hold on. What's the story there? But I guess let's just start talking about the video. Boo.

you're right we'll get to it later let's talk more about the nude indian how many times did anyone keep track of how many times he appeared no actually that's a great question i i didn't take an exact number yeah i was going to say six or seven i did write naked indian break every time me too good okay yeah let's check your notes two three four five i think just oh he he comes in a lot i think like seven if you're not counting all the instances towards the end as different sure right where he's an actual where he's really there yeah so for the listeners um we're talking about this in nude indian we probably won't bring him up again because it's not that weird but just as they're watching as they're in their home this family is like planning a

trip and so they discuss different places to go and the whole time they're just being hit with title cards like this is the idea is that just having a discussion with your family is like 20 different types of learning. I started a, I was going to do a bit where I was going to, as you were going to go through the video, I was going to yell them over you as you're, but I realized that would just be every five seconds, me interrupting you. It would be. You're going to lose your voice.

Productivity choices. Like, they're not title cards that mean anything. It's just reading maps, organizing. Right. Some of them, yes, are concepts you can wrap your head around. They do start it off by saying the first. one, as Pat Randall cues you in, she's like, this will, well, highlight in yellow moments. And it says, parents help children learn. Like, again, who needs that? Who is, who are you talking

to when you say that? I'm supposed to be doing shit with these little people living my house? What the fuck? That's like the very first. That happened so early in the video. And that, see, that for me is the first time you're like, wait a minute, hold on. What the fuck is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, but you're, like, keyed into kind of, like, cursed media. Like, most people don't quite pick up on things that early. The video is, like, trying to explain what it is, doing a terrible job. Like, the stated premise is it turns everyday activities into fun, challenging, learning experiences. But then, every couple minutes, it will just cut to usually the backside of a nude Indian man climbing a rock or, like, stalking across a horizon.

and every time it comes with a spooky little music sting and it's not explained there's no reason for it okay so I tracked every time the naked Indian showed up and every single time it was the sun what's the son's name I'm blanking on it Danny Danny every single time Danny was in the scene doing or about to do something

and then the naked Indian comes on and then every time the naked Indian comes on At least until he starts At least until he starts invading reality Every time he comes on There's like frosted edges Like the whole thing might be in a dream Or a fantasy

I think this is Danny's sexual awakening Okay That actually adds up That does make sense He's kind of a hunky dude And he kind of just projects it Into reality at the end It's always

Danny's always present And either has just said something Or somebody's trying to get him to do something And then bam Naked Indian break It's always with Danny Yeah you know there's the one that I think of

currently thinking of is where they're in the gas station and they're looking at baseball cards and then the mom's like all right let's pay and go and they turn to the cashier

there's a magazine I think it says like Arizona highways and on the cover of it is this knife wielding Native American guy and I guess it's like cocheese

because that's what it says in the cover and then it cuts to the nude Indian in the cave looking around all confused yeah that's Danny seeing seeing that magazine and then being like

reminding him reminding of sexual fantasy that makes sense that symbolizes Danny's boner yeah Jamie leave that one in even the most

like checked out parent it occurs to them like if you're in a restaurant the kid has a menu only a fucking idiot wouldn't think like oh hey look an opportunity for reading

my child is reading like I don't know what kind of alcoholic deadbeat needs any of these lessons like we could use talking as a way to communicate Thanks, Chrysler.

We am due learning. Would this video change that for anybody? Like, you either are involved in your kids' lives or you're not. And I don't think it hinges on the existence of learned at every turn. That's how Pat Randall should have introduced this. I don't know what to fucking tell you. It is so close to just yada, yada. You're a parent.

You're fucking, you know this shit. Why are we doing this? I also had another theory that this could be like a Miyagi situation. Like, this whole video seems like Monday nothing, but we're secretly learning, brutal learning techniques. Like, as soon as ignorance attacks us, we're, like, suddenly know all the secrets. I just yell, processing ideas, developing language skills, building responsibility. The only thing I took away from this was appreciating landscapes.

It is. There are some nice landscape shot and beautiful 240P. I guess that's my specialty build. I'm just going to really focus. First, they have a meeting on where they should go for vacation. and they're taking, like, their neighbor's kid. Some dude named Rubin, who's not part of the family, is there. And I guess he gets to say it.

They're taking him away on a week-long journey. This is a little weird. Actually crazy, right? Because, like, they're like, hey, everybody do a report on a place and we'll pick one, and then we'll just literally go there starting tonight. Or I guess tomorrow, right? Yeah. And one of the kids doesn't even live with them.

Well, two of the kids. There are two kids there. There's Ruben, and I guess what's supposed to be Ruben's sister or an unrelated other child? Yeah. Because she's part of the reports, too. And they're all doing this, like, reports on their places, and she's helping and being incorporated into it. And then her mom comes over and is like, okay, time to go. And the little girl says, oh, I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon.

She's like, no, you can't. You might, you had to, she had to do the report? Yeah. And she wasn't allowed to go. It's fucking brutal. she's kind of humiliated this whole time too because the kid will be like the Indians painted petroglyphs on the

what's this word and then the little girl's like rocks and it's just like she kind of knows she doesn't quite get how but she's being humiliated she knows that like they're fucking patronizing her like these fucking dicks I think she's going to get it when she's not allowed to go on the trip at the end. Yeah she'll realize she's been betrayed oh so you all hate me okay

that's what this was about. I also hate this living room so much. Yeah. They've got. It's real frustrating. It's it's they're packed in super tight facing each other sitting on two couches and between them are these like dick level ceiling lights. Like you could absolutely bump into them crotch first if you were standing.

But they're also positions they can't really see each other when they're sitting. It just seems like the worst of all worlds. And it makes me claustrophobic. Yeah, Chrysler saw this basement And they're like, let's film there Let's film in this tiny little cave And can we make sure to get in every shot How Danny lives in a little alcove under the stairs

How he doesn't get a bedroom How he's like Harry Potter? Without Harry Potter like First Book Room that he had Yeah, he lives in a little hole under the stairs And here's the thing, Harry Potter got a door So this is worse

It's true It is worse. That's true. He gets these nude Indian urges and has no privacy to explore them. No wonder it's manifesting as a naked Indian. It is a pile of laundry under the stairs. That's like his home. And they show it.

Like, why? Who found this set and said, this is the perfect place to do a three camera setup. It's fucking insane. They each give a presentation. It totally sucks. It's scripted, but it's scripted to sound natural. and then acted by these people who are not actors. So it's got like someone making fun of cinema verite.

It's just, everything's wrong. No matter what kind of human interaction you had leading into this tape, everything about this will ring false. And the whole time anyone's talking, there's just fucking titles popping up that aren't related to the things they're doing. There's no way they plan those in advance. Like that reads as somebody after this was filmed was like,

given the task, can you pull out learning moments? and they said no, and then they had to do it anyway. I'm just like, I don't know. And they're so forced that I think they had a specific list of learning things. Like, here's the bullet points. Put these in the video. Like, some of these aren't in there. Like, fucking put them in the video.

And also, five more nude Indians. There's something like, this is the point I feel like that usually when I show this video to people, they start to understand how weird, like, something is. Yeah. It's hard to put their finger on it because, like, yeah, like the, the sort of, like, manic conversation, people talking over each other continuously, and then those titles appearing, which is just, like, relentlessly, it starts to feel like you're in, like, a mind cart with no breaks. Like, you start to feel a little out of control when you're watching this. I have some dialogue I took. I'll play that.

Okay. Do you know anything about any of those symbols? No, I'm not sure. I haven't done that much research on the Petrigal. That's why I really want to go and look at them. But I mean, it would be really neat to see where the Indians once walked. Oh, that would be fun. We could pretend that we were the Indians.

I heard about this Indian that I read about named Mouse. Yeah. Mouse? Well, you know, they had some interesting names. They took names from animals like buffalo running buffalo. And they named people what they were like, like one guy on death of wool, 10 bears, probably strong as 10 bears. That's the sting of the nude Indian.

Yeah, that's the naked Indian break. And that was Danny. That triggered Danny's like fantasy. You're right. He said strong as 10 bears and then fantasized about an Indian man's gooch. And like, right there. He's like, remember when we watched dances with wolves? He's like, Danny, you haven't said anything for five minutes.

Are you okay? He kept going to the bathroom. In his head, it says, da-na-na-d-da-d-o. I need to go to my heap. Nobody looked. oh fuck so yeah they're just really stupid people who have seen dances with wolves making wild guesses it is not learning it's pretty close to the opposite that are learning these are people who are really certain amount of thing they haven't fucking even looked up you're right it was like loosely if at all scripted like they just turn on the cameras you just said just sound dumb go just riff all of you people including the children yes but they do decide to go to go to Valley of Fire, which is a place with lots of petroglyphs. Okay, this is going to sound crazy.

I've watched this video many times, and the mom says something here that I know I'm always hearing wrong. I'm going to just play it. She says, play sexy games when we're out there. She says, play sexy games when we're out there, right? I knew that was what you're going to play. That woman said to her daughter, to play some sexy games out there. I mean, you heard it. You heard it. You all heard it. I think you're, I think you're mishearing things. I think she said play sex and games.

Yeah, maybe. I don't know if that makes it better. That means they have their own family language for sex, which makes me so uncomfortable. Again, this is a Jordan Peel horror movie. This is like, I'd never notice that until you wrote it in your article, and I went back and listened, and I can't unhear it either. It's one of those things it can't possibly be that, right? But I don't know what it is. Yeah. Yeah, me either, honestly. They make some cookies. And while they're making cookies, it says, following directions. I was like, yeah, fucking congratulations, you fucking idiot. Like, I know, duh, is a strong word, but there's no one who could need this. Like, a five-year-old would say, oh, following directions, that's a form of following directions. You would just put him in the fucking trash compactor. It's a fucking broken kid

But these are adult educators There's another one here where The dad sings a song about sandwiches And the child hates this song about sandwiches And then the title card pops up and says Creative Expression That's it They don't talk

He's not like now it's your turn It's the creative expression for the dad Like the dad's like And I got my creative expression out By making you listen to this song That you visibly didn't like parents take away take away what from that what's what are you learning from that follow your this is space monster shit like it is only useful if if you come from a race of beings that like

eats by or that learns by eating minds and they're like oh on earth you learn by like telling each other things okay okay I got to fucking change some gears here I have there's another naked Indian break yeah another naked Indian break they get in their beautiful Chrysler minivan which again no commercial no one turns with the camera and says, what an affordable, we could fit so much luggage in this car. But it is a beautiful town and country. It is. It is.

And it gets a lot of screen time. It does. There's no active commercial for it, but you can tell that they were like, okay, the van has to really shine for like 30% of the runtime of this movie. Yeah, it's a character in the film. Not only that, it's my favorite character. Buy a lot. I mean, nude indian is my favorite character, but like the van is pretty close. I know enough about filmmaking to like get really frustrated with this, with all their choices,

but all the glamour shots of the van like made me exhausted because someone had to get out of the fucking car, set up the camera, like a quarter mile ahead of this van, film it coming around a slow bend, and then do that like a hundred more times. And it just like over the course of days, they had to just go out in the hot, hot sun and set up the same fucking shot over and over. So when they're showing, hey, beautiful scenery, I'm thinking, oh, my God, what a nightmare to film this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in the Nevada desert, too. So they like had to, yeah, be out in the heat a lot. It was the worst. And as they show that B-roll footage of the landscape, it, of course, the title card pops up and says, appreciating landscape. And you would assume, okay, they're going to tell the kids like, hey, let's take a nobody talks yeah no character says anything related to anything it's just i i guess that's for you as the viewer now like this is an instruction for you to appreciate the landscape

you're looking at now you know how to look outside before it wouldn't have occurred to you before this uh so in the in the van it says exploring the arts which was just a fucking jump scare and i have a clip of that. Let's put in some music. Here you go. What instruments are those do you guys? What do you think they are?

Learning. Why don't we try playing? Good job. You can't. Oh yeah, Ruben, you brought your flute. I can play the drums on the seat. Okay, let's hear what you can do. Try making up something.

What do I do? You can sing. Yeah. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, whatever, I forgot that. Twinkle, Twinkle, I'm a warrior. That's a fucking hate crime. Native American music. Wow, fuck you buddy

Yeah, maximum racism It's my new standard of maximum racism Also, Ruben busted out his amateur flute On a road trip And the lesson wasn't sometimes you have to cut a bitch Yeah, yeah Yeah, she just said throw child out of car For the lesson at that point

I would have punched that child straight in the face And everybody in that van would have thanked me I would have looked Ruben's mom right in the eye and said, I don't know what happened to your son. I never took him on a trip. He played the flute, didn't he? I understand. I don't know what you're talking about, ma'am. Who are you, in fact? I also love the mom had just like the most like bargain bin world music ass cassette tape at the ready for this trip that she bought from somewhere. I think it's a different part of the song that summons the nude Indian. I think they just had the one song. Probably.

God, they do more stupid learning shit Like the thing closest they come to actual education He makes the daughter figure out the mileage I'm like, okay, that's math Yeah, that's math that like You had to force into the journey They do ask the clerk about the Valley of Fire And this is when the Indian magazine comes to life

Just for a second, another sudden nude Indian I have a clip of this too, this one's pretty good Do you know anything about the petrobras out there? There's some sort of Indian graffiti up there, but that's all I know. Do you know about an Indian guy named Mouse? Who, Mickey or a Mini? Yeah, right.

Okay, let's go away. Yeah, right, it's how a 10-year-olds is, fuck you, buddy. There's some kind of Indian graffiti up there. A bunch of fucking assholes drawn on the rocks. The second most racist thing, this video has said. There's also a scene in there where it says reading consumer information, and Ruben says that my mom says if you can't print. announce it, don't eat it. And then he forces Danny to read the ingredients off a package of a

twinkie. And then put it back. Yeah. Yeah, you like humiliates him. Ruben is not, not making it out of this trip. Just the most insufferable little pedantic fuck. Plus, like, yeah, some of those are chemicals to keep it from going bad. Would you rather have a spoiled ho-ho, you idiot? Like, oh, I'm so sorry, the chemicals are complicated. Eat the fucking ho-ho. It's not going to kill you. As if to like drive home how insufferable Rubin is, it cuts out of that scene to him. That's right. Another flute solo in the van. Oh, man. And he's just going. He's just like wailing on that thing. Yeah. Because once you give him permission, like that teaches him that it's okay. It does. It's why you need a hand out of beating the second. Someone pulls out the recorder.

It's what I learned in third grade. So I looked up this Indian named mouse. And I don't know how much you can trust history or Native American issues. But according to history, Mouse is just some murderer. Like, he's a guy who hid out in the area after killing two prospectors. So this mouse character,

they've mentioned twice, is just a famous Indian criminal. Holy shit. Oh, that's who the naked Indian is. That's why he gets the villain music. Yes, it could be a murderer's ghost. Actually, though, is that supposed to be mouse?

Is that why they keep bringing him up? Maybe. It's the closest thing to a plot. this movie might have. We're solving mysteries here. It would explain something. That's definitely one of the title cards. It's, I think, the final one.

The sexy naked Indian in my brain is going to kill us all. The lady draws a, they hit a detour and a lady working highway construction draws a map in the dirt of which way they go. And while she's doing that, it like cuts to an Indian carving petroglyphs. And I thought this was, this one actually felt like a real, transition. Normally he just like jumps in Tate first while Danny's talking. But this one is like, oh, look, they like visually linked to things together like filmmakers. But then there's the 400 glamour shots. It's just a beautiful, affordable Chrysler minivan driving towards a camera.

They get to the campsite and there's a real horror moment where they come up on this family and they like say, hey, where going to be your neighbors will come by and meet you in a little bit? Like what a fucking treat for them. You can just see the dad, like, visibly deflate, like, the father of the other family. Like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Also, very worth mentioning that this is a black family. Yes.

That'll come up later when the title card valuing cultural diversity is displayed. Uh-huh. Yeah, it does come up. Very clumsily shoehorned in here for what passed for diversity in the 90s, but also this black family just minding their own business, playing with their kids. And then the white guy basically drives through their camera. He drives through the campsite, pauses right next to him and goes, hey, I'm going to come by and see you later. Fucking, did you just volunteer me for your friendship, buddy?

Fuck off. Are you kidding? Hey, mister, you and your kids are going to be our first black friends. Yeah. What an accurate portrayal of the nightmare that is the black experience in America. That's why I'm getting the Jordan Peel vibes. Like, it's teaching me what it is to be a black person in this moment. That it's just this intrusion upon your happiness.

and you're like, how do I fucking de-escalate the situation? So they set up a camp and some montage of instruction manual reading, and it sucks. It's kind of humiliating, like, in a dad way. Like, if you're a dad, you can't let some camera group film you not know how to build a tent. That's like getting busted, learning how to kiss on a puppet or something. It's just like the ultimate dad humiliation. But anyway, they get it worked out. They meet their neighbors.

They hang out with them all fucking night. They're just way too late. Ruin their whole goddamn night. Their whole vacation's ruined. They do terrible, awkward, close-range frisbee until the sun goes down. And then, of course, they rap. I didn't take a clip. You don't want to hear it.

Nobody wants to hear it. I will say that's where valuing cultural diversity pops up. And like, you could pause it. If you're fast enough on the trigger, you pause it right there and then be like, I bet they're about to rap. And then on pause it. And somehow you're wrong and right at the same time. Right.

It's incredible. And then, even then, like, it is the black. child rapping. Even then the white child jumps up and runs center stage, as it were, and starts doing racial parody dancing. Because he does like an Elvis, thank you very much at the end. I think he's supposed to be doing Elvis. Well, that's racial parody. Yeah, sure. You're right. I guess it's how a master storyteller would try to communicate that. Yeah, no, it's an excellent Jordan Peel film. And the lesson he learns is nobody will punish him for just taking the spotlight from a black person.

And he will, spoiler alert, he will then do it again. Because nobody pushed him into the fire. Nobody pushed him into the fire the first time he did that. And so he didn't learn. It's just like Ruben with the flute. You got to hit him with that flute. First thing. I all have my notes for this section is it's maybe the most embarrassed I've ever been.

It's rough. It's rough. Because it really does come across, like, them meeting their first black people and asking, like, do you know how to say things? African and worse than like saying fuck you get out of my campsite they she says yeah I do and and then there's like this other sort of dark drama that gets revealed where she's like yes I had a very good friend very handsome very very sexy friend who taught me how to say I love you and Joss and like the husband's like getting like he's kind of like just getting upset like oh I fucking hate this guy this fucking Joss friend she keeps talking about yeah there's like a whole

other movie where this guy from Joss has been haunting their relationship for like multiple decades. Just keeps cutting away from her to him running up a Brock with his gooch out. It's like an I think you should leave bit where like we're suddenly struck with this weird detail of one of the characters' lives that's like, whoa, shit, I have to reprocess everything now. The dad of the black family has a really weird story that I feel like they held a gun to his head and said, tell us an African fable and he just made one up. Because it's a lot of, None of the details are linked, and then the moral is a man is not truly dead unless he is forgotten. And that has nothing to do with the story he told.

The story he told is a bunch of like bones coming back to life. But they knew they had to get to that point because that comes back around later at the very end of the film, right? He says that. His story, right, this can't be just me. That was supposed to be like dramatically reenacted or animated or something, right? because what we get is just like stock footage of the back of the white people's heads yeah well well clear a d r like he a d r this because again he expected somebody was like yeah we're gonna do an animated bit for this story and they just did not they blew that money on

on the town and country or something i don't know on naked indians that makes a lot of sense because that is like a really awkward scene where he tells a really long story and it's just like yeah just panning back and forth over the families over the heads and at the end the He says the lesson is that the Indians aren't really dead because the petroglyphs they made are still here. Right. That fucking Indian graffiti? That fucking, that savage crap they wrote on the rocks? Yeah, I don't fucking know anything about that.

Like, it just, the theme doesn't tie together. Yeah, no. Also, they're not all dead because they're not all dead. Like, they just have to live in a shitty valley just outside of the tourist spot. Like, they're still, this is like that time in the 90s where we treated Indians like they did not exist anymore. Like, ah, remember the mystical time when Indian. room to this land. Like, they're over there. Yeah, you can drive down there and see Boys to Men tonight.

You drove through their lawn to get here. A nude Indian does watch over them. Like, the park ranger comes, oh, sorry, it's the next day. They're at the Petrocliffs. Just disrespecting them. They're just like, what the fuck do you think that one is? Probably a corn or something. Climbing all over it, touching them? Yeah. You shouldn't be allowed to do that. Yeah. You're not allowed to do any of that. Yeah. This whole thing was supposed to be a learning. trip to go see them and then you showed up and you knew nothing about them like this is what the learning should have been like now we can look up what all of these mean and they're like

no no it's time to just riff this one's probably corn the mom says they've literally packed like six books and multiple posters and maps into the back of the car the first day like they showed it happening and they've referenced none of it since they got there they are just winging it right Yeah, Ruben said that looks like a big horn sheep getting struck by lightning. And then nobody corrects him to tell him like what it might actually be. Like, yeah, the lightning sheep. Everybody knows about that. Sure, lightning sheep.

Yeah, he loves corn. Remember, I'm working mom's stuff in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good improv. But cut in between all of that with increasing menace is this like haunting melody, is this black vehicle circles them and then a mysterious man gets out. You just know based on the language of filmmaking that he is about to kill the entire family. Yeah, this is the villain.

This is the villain of the film. All the visual shorthand is there to be like, uh-oh, they're in trouble now. It is a park ranger who transforms into an Indian, like, before our very eyes. If this is trying to tell us a parallel that, like, oh, these, what is the Indian tribe, the Havasupay, they're the park rangers of the ancient passed or something. Is that what they're trying to say? I truly do not fucking understand why the park ranger turns into an Indian. I have no idea, like, metaphorically, but I love the interaction that leads up to his

transformation. He walks up to the family. Danny's like guessing at what some petroglyphs mean and he notices the guy and he says, are there more petroglyphs down that way? And the ranger goes, in the most like, you're an idiot voice. I can imagine. He goes, just follow the path. There are clear signs at every time.

turn and then boom he's the nude Indian just sprinting up at all that's what he says before he transforms is his customer service speak for fuck you diff shit use your brain just like he did not answer that question

asshole he said yeah see all the fucking signs everywhere maybe you should look at him anyway peace out I'm a naked Indian in that moment of humiliation in Danny's mind he transforms into his boyfriend I've seen you naked in my mind, Danny says.

Solving mysteries, it says. And then it says solving mysteries and the dude scrambles up a hill in a way where, listen, it's VHS. No one here can say for sure that we saw his taint and balls, but I'm pretty sure you can if you look real close. You know it. You can feel it in your loins when you're looking at a dick. Again, through the language of filmmaking, that's where it's centered. Like, you're supposed to be paying attention to.

the balls and taint like that is that remains it was important to Pat Randall that we think about them that we be cognizant of their existence and while that's happening the camera cuts to each child and their face is just like totally baffled complete baffled

and it's the only time these children have ever been correct about anything so okay so they all see it that means they all see it that's the only way they could have that look on their face, as if they all see him, but just hulk out into an Indian, into a naked Indian, and scamper way up a rock as they gaze on in horror.

And then the title card says, solving mysteries. So what do they implicate? Did the son's naked Indian fantasies burst from his mind and overwrite the park ranger's real existence? Stop right there, you solved the mystery. Okay, I did have other questions, but I'll accept that answer. Because that's the fucking end of the video. That's like literally that it's a hard stop right there.

There's no, no, no, it's a hard stop right there. And then Pat Randall says, I hope this video sparked ideas about interesting and fun ways. Your family can learn every turn. Like how to incorporate naked Indian maniacs into my family time? Like, I don't think the kids should be there for that. Are these the sexy games? I do want to talk about the theme real quick. These are the sexy games.

The dad of the other family says, a man is not truly dead unless he is forgotten. And then they go to the gas station guy. And he's like, I don't know what the fucking things, what those things are. I forgot. No one knows. No one remembers. Then they get there and they look at them and they're like, what do these things mean? I don't know.

That might be corn. And then they, Park Ranger shows up, who's also secretly a magic Indian. And they say, hey, can you tell us about these things? No. And so read the signs. So whatever these things mean, it has been forgotten. Yeah. So it's like this really dark tragedy.

of like they set up the rules for what's important and then say, yeah, this culture is dead. Like, it's truly dead by Chrysler. Maybe learn how to learn? I don't know. I solve mysteries. It's a statement on Western expansionism, on colonialism, and on just murdering the colonized and wiping them from existence. That's actually, I think you probably figured out.

Pat Randall recaps, she's like, okay, I'm going to recap there were 10 learning moments in this video. and she puts them all up on screen. No, which, they were like 50. There were so many more. Like, I went back and looked at like appreciating landscapes is not on there. It's not on the top 10 list that she puts up. Like, they did not coordinate one of those things. And you know what the last one on her list is,

which by the way that she's listing them means it's the most important things families should do together? Interpreting symbols. All families at all time should be interpret. symbols together. What the fuck does that? We should be decoding hieroglyphs is the best family activity? I would argue they might be worse at that than anyone has been in anything. Yeah, not, don't use any research or prior written anything when you were trying to

interpret the symbols. Just guess. First try, they got lightning sheep. There's some equally insane things in the booklet that came with the video, which I happened to have. mine, my copy that I found had had the, there's a whole booklet, kind of trying to explain what happened, but really no better than anything you saw in that video or that we talked about here. If you want a little background music, I can, uh, hit this for you while you want to

read it. Those piano stats, by the way, are violent. Yeah, it's nice. You haven't until Pat Randall introduces herself to read us this pamphlet. I can't. I can't. It's too crazy. You're going to have to yell. The music's very noisy. It's still every thought for my mind.

God, it's beautiful, though. I'm thinking about so many naked Indians right now. Hello, I'm Pat Randall. Pat Randall introduced yourself. Time's up. The booklet has a section called Fun Around Town in the first section, High Finance. Just as banks are especially intriguing to young children. Be sure to explain as much as possible about any transaction. you're about to make.

This is what I mean. This is a dad who took his kid to the bank. And he's like, dude, I'm the fucking best parent. I like engaged with my kid at the bank. Oh, my God, he learned so much about banks. There's another one called Focus on Sports. That is not about playing sports with your children. It just says sports talk can lead to reading and writing pleasure.

Like, this thing is, it's written by aliens. Yeah. It's definitely like a homeschool cult that has to be. That is tragically not around anymore. Yeah. But not forgotten. 1.900, Frankford. 1,900, Frankfurt.

Our podcast, can't. And with maximal in show. Like Frankfurt podcast? Correct. Yeah. The craft is nitratis not under. Schicty in the hundersaw. The hour of a stunder.

Come on. You can't the number. 1.900. 1.900. Frankfurt. Einstein, Hunter, Frankfurt Einstein, Hunter, Frankfurt Einstein, Frankford.

Einstein, No, you know, you knew, yeah. Yeah, 9,000. Please welcome once again 1,900 hot dogs, very own in-house comic, the overly specific insult comedian who makes things too real. It's Mr. Jimmy! Jimmy Juggles!

Hey, thank you, thank you. It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh, what's the matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, I know. I'm working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hesbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this. It's Alpha Scientist Javo.

Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy and I watched him kill a white rhino. So he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him. him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime. Oh, oh! Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters and your elderly self is going to curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler.

It's summer. I'm trying something. Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brock Way famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe.

That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about you. Like, uh, like, uh, like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names.

Like calling common sense's mother, Mrs. had a positive influence on common sense's body dysmorphia. Whoa! Hey, come on. It's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us. All right?

I don't wish I was a small. Frail, pale man, racked by consumption? Like, that's, I'm happy being big and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like, don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on, here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B.

I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys got to stop trusting me with you. secrets. Oh. Sorry, I hiccoughed while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't

happen again. Delta, Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh, back to normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope. Oh, ho! Oh, alright, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right, too.

I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christianberg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh, ho! I got Fancy Shark. I got Gareth. I got Jello Ho. I got good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this. It's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham? You work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college. Oh! That one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys.

Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pengweenie. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack, I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night, and then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes.

That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff O'Raskey. John McCam and I got John Minkoff Hey you smell like extra marital sex my man Everyone can smell it even your wife there next to you

She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life Because she don't know she's worth 10 of you Because she's too fucking stupid oh I got you both I'm sorry there was again That's uh that's weird oh I don't know what's going on with that Okay I got I got I got I got I got Joseph Searle's here. I got Josh S. I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M. Your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay. Okay. We got Kamutsas. We got KVH. We got Lane Heygood. We got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work.

because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. Amjahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Barroy,

mercenary, Sissadman, Michael Lair, a Mojou, you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things. They just haunt you. Uh, Mort. I got Mort here. I got Mr. Bob Gray. I got N.D. What does N.D. stand for? Non-descript? Oh. That one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it. Okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke.

Neil Bailey? Neal Bailey liked that O. Right? Right? Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff. Am I right? Ha ha. I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer. I got Neku 104. I got Nicku 104. I got Nick Levino. I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Ornry Weevil. I got Ozzie Olin. I got Patrick Hurst. I got Peewee's uncle. I got rebrandrew. I got red wine time. Red wine time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes They sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside.

Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria, I got Russell Bowman, I got Sam Kopnik, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Jam fan. Space Jam fan, now this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little Moulon and he's like, oh, that's me. That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, spotty reception. A super knot. Tater's tales. Thomas Cavatzos. Oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man? You take one look at him and you just know. You just know. This guy? This guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas. I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G., Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now, Booster. I see you.

I got you. I know you. You think you're some strong independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying. Some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Rybalt. That's you. That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here. I and I just know. This guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies, and he don't know. He don't know. Are they a German thing?

Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all? But that don't matter to John Dean, because every time he sees them boys mincing and prancing, he thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes, and he becomes an insult comment. because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern-day man equivalent is of that. But it just doesn't fulfill, you know?

It's not enough for John Dean. He thinks he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here. You know, telling it like it is, and everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you John Dean all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that that was what you were. That's you. That's what that's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh.