The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 249, The Amazing Live Sea-Monkeys with Michael Swaim

Episode Date: October 15, 2025

Back in the 1990s we briefly mistook elaborate prosthetics for comedy. That's how we got The Amazing Live Sea Monkeys, a Howie Mandel production starring three suffocating improv comedians dying inside defective sex toys. Michael Swaim will explain how they influenced the course of his entire life. Presumably for the worse. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Robert will go to jail if you don't buy his book. I know what you're thinking... This is NOT the time to be a wise guy. BUY HIS BOOK. https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend

1,900, hot dog 1,900, hot dog Out podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on, you know the number

1,900 1,900 hot dog 1190,000, 1,900, Hot Dog. Hot Dog. One 900. One 900 Hot Dog. One 900 Hot Dog.

Yeah. 9,000. Welcome to the Doc 79000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog.com, the final website. Join us today. We are having fun like it's the internet in 2010. At patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog. You could get daily articles by an all-starcastic comedy writers, bonus podcasts, movie watchalongs, and that's plenty. If you can find a better way to support joy

and the arts with $5, go ahead. I'm Sean Baby from the internet, and my partner was described as also in attendance at the Hunk Minster Bunn's show. He's the great Robert Rockway! Oh, I was. I was there, baby. I was. I raised my hand and I said present when they started the Hunk roll call. They did not appreciate it. Here's a Brockway fact. Back in the 90s, there was a brief period where I wore ugly prosthetics and ejaculated on obscene. obscure character actors. No follow-up questions, though. This time I have a lot.

I really wish that wasn't a rule in place. Our guest is our old friend from Crack. Do you know him for many things there, or from small beans, or from one-upsmanship? He's a very prolific new father. Welcome back, Michael Swame. Hey, I'm Michael Swame. I make comicals and podicles at the best of these fine gentlemen. And recently, I've been working a side hustle as their fun fact,

fact checker. So now I have to go track this down and find out if this is true. I don't know why they pay me to do it, but I do it. So, you know, if you're an obscure character actor, I'm calling you about Robert's Come this month. That's my job now.

All right, this may be... We'll see if it leads to an article. It might be given something away here. I don't know why they have me do it. It wasn't... You're not going to find any results under the Robert name. I'll just say that. That's it. It's an alias. Oh, okay. All right. It's the who punched an unspecified bodybuilder in the back of the head, then ran away, goose chase all over again. When he throws in an alias, it really fucks me up.

Swim, I watched your very researched groundskeeper Willie video despite YouTube's recent best efforts to hide it and all long form content from its viewers. We should do some plugs. We should tell people about that because it was like, better than the internet deserved, I thought. That's really, really kind of you. Yes, since you, you know, pimped me into it, I can't be blamed for shouting out that I lavished old school levels of cracked time on a feature length. I'll tell you what it was. And this is why it's just always great to surround yourself with people who do things that you think are neat to the best of their ability and challenge you. basically Dave Bell and Cody Johnson, Katie stole over at the

Somemore News team, did a movie length episode and I was like I want to do that. So when I got laid off from Cracked again, the most recent time a few months ago, I decided my final thing for no reason. I got no extra pay for doing it. There was no chance it would

salvage my position was going to be feature length instead of 15 minutes long. So I researched, wrote, edited, and then turned in a feature length thing that they that I then had to well we I had help in this but we had to navigate a labyrinthine dispute process for weeks and weeks where every single thing got flagged and it became clear to me that YouTube is now as a part of the corporate hegemony over system obliged to

incentivize and de-incentivized to push AI slop content because as with all money above a certain pay grade they've bet too much on did so like yeah it's very clear to me from making inferences by what got flagged and what didn't. And you used to be able to alter the pitch or flip the speed and that would, you know, and what it's crawling for and what it's not makes it clear to me that it's like, oh, they know that this was written by a human being. And that's why it's shadow band. So it's incredibly underserved and super good. And I don't say that about everything I work on, but it came out great. The only facts I'll apologize for being a one-man two-hour fact-checker, as I said, SCTV is out of Chicago, and Canadian comedy

fans are rightly offended that I did that slip of the tongue. SCTV is huge in Chicago, but the show SCT is obviously Canadian. Dave Thomas and all those, you know, they're all as Canadian as hell, and I know that, but I said it wrong. Everything else is gold. And I do what's crazy. Yeah, go ahead. I noticed that. And I, of course, I thought that was a Canadian show, but I didn't think like, oh, what a hilarious error. I thought I must be fucking, am I crazy? That was Canadian, right? That's how good the research was that when it was wrong, I was like, that's probably right.

I gave you credit for it. Oh, like Chris Nolan, you were like, I guess it was always daytime in the sequence. I don't know. Successfully gaslit. Well, I'll wrap the plug by saying, if you go to my only social media of note at this time, which is blue sky, Michael swam, dot, whatever, blue sky stuff. I just plugged the last episode of this show. Simpsons taught me everything.

And in the reply to that, it's an episode with Josh Weinstein, if you're looking for it, is a link to the ad-free director's cut. Because I got so sick of, like, the YouTube version, it's two hours long. There is three minutes of ads every six minutes. And in order to get it to pass all the checks,

they had to flip and mortise every, which means put like an overlay for people who don't know the word, over like a graphical overlay of the Simpsons television so that it's like under fewer use we changed the clip this much right but the downside is and you guys know this very well whole strata of callbacks carefully placed subtitle callbacks and background graphic jokes are completely obliterated and even flopping some things horizontally ruins like well that sign is not legible anymore and you didn't care about that you know so check out the director's cut by tracking it down if you're so inclined or bother me and I'll give it to you then hire me and I'll say thank you oh no I'm stuck in this voice for the rest of the thing I would love it if you were I would love it if you were speaking purely as purely as a publicist first don't do that don't do that John and second have you considered just saying Chicago Canada same difference? Like, I think that might diffuse that whole. Shy Canada.

Yeah. It's pretty much the same thing. I think those two cultures would, yeah, like Spikely brings you maple donuts and putteen. I think that would be an interesting world. In the way of like how Fallout gave us. Here's the future, but if it was the past, you know. Here's Canada, but if it was Chicago? Yeah. I'm not treading on your book, are, am I? Because while we're in Plugtown, I got to say, I haven't started, but I'm about to start Robert's new book. Oh, right. Very excited about that. I've read the screenplay that's premise adjacent to it, but I haven't started the book yet. Okay, so I do. Are you allowed to say the name now? Yeah, I do. I have to. Last time I tried to get him to plug it, he wouldn't say it. Yeah, the times have changed.

The story has changed. Oh, times have changed. You were very mad about that. So last episode, last episode of the Dog Zone, I took some bad advice from a certain AI lawyer. And long story short, it turns out I'm not a sovereign author who can only be prosecuted at sea. Like, I thought that was a viable defense strategy. Oh, yeah. I do. We're all pirate writers. Yeah.

You taught me that. Apparently that's wrong. Because a robot taught me that that I trained, uh, mostly, mostly on Matlock. It's not doing a really good job. So it turns out I do legally have to promote my book still. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. It's coming out January 27th, 2026. You have to, if you're listening to this, you have to pre-order it.

This robot got me in so much fucking trouble. It got me in so much trouble. And it inspired my hit post. The title of this book is the premise of the book. The publisher was very clear about this. So thank you for that. It's already yielding dividends in my life. Well, I'm glad it's helping you.

My life is in Chambles. It's falling apart as we speak. Wait, around this book release? I'm just generally. I'm definitely going to prison over all of the things that I've done. Okay. I'll accept responsibility for some of it. Like when I called for jihad on my publisher's lawyers,

that was probably, I should have known that was over the line. Again, on the advice of my AI lawyer, but I probably shouldn't listen to that one. So listen, you got to order the book. You got to order the book. Because if you don't, then I go to prison and I have the passwords for all this site and I'm taking those with me.

Okay. So it's all just shutting down. If you love this podcast. That was a pretty complexly layered nest of irony to the point that I don't, I know a bunch of it was a bit, but part of me is like, should I be somewhat worried for my friend?

Should I reach out to Brackway after? None of this is a fucking bit. None of it's a bit. He's going to get sued. This is actually real legal, factual problems that are upending his life. You know what else is in a bit? So go buy that book, I will kill your imaginary friend for $200. You know what else is in a bit?

I am going to take everything down with me. That's not a bit. That's not a bit. This all ends. This dies with me. I swear to God, it dies with me. Only you can save it from me. Please save the site from me.

I don't want to do this. And what is it referred to? you got what do you got that's my plug this was fun it's a good plug thanks for having me on yeah of course great show just kick into the theme song uh jamie right there that'd be great i'll talk you guys no wait wait shit i forgot about the show we are uh continue our origin stories and today we're uh we're doing mics it's real fucked up uh it's a nightmare of slimy curses Gilbert Godfrey's there, so it can't be good. Yes, that's true.

Can you tell us how this spoke to you and what it awoke within you? I'll tell you it was kind of revelatory to re-recall it, because when we were talking origin stories, my origin story actually in the cracked pantheon, and it's pretty true to life, and now I'm realizing, and I can back these up with actual diagnoses, that it's the story of autism in large part. I am definitely somewhat autistic and my dad even more so so I was the one in the group

where to put it in I think a parlance that 1-900 hot dog fans will appreciate I'm the member of the expendables or whatever who was trained by some maniac from birth in the woods to do 1,900 hot dog articles so my dad and his friends

because like energy attracts itself like I don't even remember the first time I saw an age inappropriate movie or looked at a book of HR Gigerart and felt weird about it. And my dad's like, you know, when I'm five, is like, well, see how that looks like a building, but it also looks like a double penetration shot. What's that? Well, it's when two men stick their penises and do it.

Like, my dad is very, like, answers anything completely earnestly with no emotional under or overtone, no filter whatsoever, and a huge lever of pop culture, literally trained me by giving me flashcards or like in the car would be like who produced this album in what year who is the bass player uh you know and what and what is the story and tell us you know all kinds of fun our whole relationship is fun facts and facttoids and cracked like shit my dad is why i'm good at this job so origin stories was tricky and i kept throwing out shit that honestly brockway called me on where he was like that's more of a pitch because my memories were so vague i was pitching stuff that could work. Like I know I could do a funny tight eight on how if you go back and revisit

the show Dinosaurs, which comedians love to reference as like a low key kind of actually good show or that was so weird that was out. No, that show is a hot mess fever dream. Barabra was like, but that's probably not actually the oldest oldest. And so I dug through the layers and the other one that came up that we covered on our network is Meet the Feebles, I think might have been the first movie to find me and truly ruin me, like, fuck me up. It may have been Peter Jackson's Meet the Feebles. But I digress nevertheless, really early on, on par with when I was watching Meet the Feebles on hi-eight tape with my dad, I was also on TV.

I vaguely remember things like bump in the night with stinky diver. And like, I can only vaguely even super Ted. So I was like fishing through these TV memories. and this sudden memory of just a latex nightmare that for a second I honestly thought I was confusing with the sponge monkeys which is what they called those Quiznose monsters they used to be the Quiznos guys

like ad guys in the early 2000s and I was like what were those and then I was like am I thinking of Third Rock from the Sun? And then I was like no there was a show about sea monkeys and I was like surely that was a cartoon And I ended up watching clips of Mighty Max, fantastic Max with the two-ply diaper, all this amazing childhood nostalgia, and I went, no, it was just a terrible nightmare.

Then I found the live action Howie Mandel's Seamonkey's show, and my life was ruined. And I realized, oh, yeah, yeah, no, I saw every episode as a kid, and I was definitely transfixed by how nightmarish it was. And it holds up as that. It's an astonishing choice. like all around what they've done here, which, like, there was, there was a period, and it was such a strange period in the 90s where we were so convinced somewhere between, like, dinosaurs and cone heads that the solution to comedy is elaborate prosthetics.

We're just going to do, like, we're going to hide all of our actors under, like, huge practical effects, and that's, that's the new wave of comedy. And I, somehow it worked on dinosaurs for a while. Swame is right. That show fucking sucks. If you watch it, it's dry as fuck. It's just boring. But also, Howie Mandel, I remember had, I think that's the consensus.

I think the prosthetics worked in that. Like, people's memories of that show is like, yeah. The animatronics do work. Those are good. Yeah, they are. It's shocking. If people were recalled, much, much more memorable from this time,

Howie Mandel had a big hit with Bobby's world. If I recall, I think was the... Yeah. So I think based on the success of that, I had no idea that was the connection. He got this, like, hey, let's get like a kid friendly sitcom and his idea was

I'm a mad scientist who makes live action sea monkeys that grow into sort of the three stooges sort of. Yeah, but not really. Real bad version. Just a touch. Yeah. Real bad version of the three stooges. And they all say dripping instead of cool. Oh boy that's dripping.

A fucking, they look like a fucking nightmare. They look like the Howie Mando bit that he does where he puts a latex mask over his head and blows it up. Yeah, kind of. Because of the Simpsons. Yeah. Maybe that's where that came from. He's like, I look like a live action sea monkey. I bet that's enough for a show. That's a fucking, that's a show.

It turned out. It was not. And I love that he was like, I'll be in the show, but I won't wear the sea monkey shit. I found an L.A. Times article where he told the L.A. Times, Harry Mandel said this. This could be bigger than Ninja Turtles. And in that same article, they called it labored, and they said it boasted rich production values and poor ideas. So it was a real hit piece, and he did a lot of the hitting himself. At that point in time, you might as well have said, this is going to be bigger than Jesus. Like, that's...

Yeah, go for the desperate shock value. There's a couple of VHS tapes that came out starring this alien called Corny. they were like kid educational videos about like how to stand up to bullies or to one of them was a workout video but it was exactly these fucking suits but with one of the antennas missing so I looked up the special effects people for both of those shows expecting to see the same special effects team but they weren't so I think someone stole one of these costumes out of Howie Mandel's trash and then just use it yeah yeah I mean you've got to recoup the money somehow because it does look like it cost more than it should have

Well, for a, right, when you could, I mean, just to re-reference, like, I forget, it was Saturday morning, something, bump in the night, something. It was a variety show, and I know people out there remember it well, I just didn't refresh myself on it, but what I recall clearly was it was all action figure, stop motion. So this was a period where we were trying to entertain children relatively cheaply and see what we could get away with. And, of course, as a big, like, track the next generation fan, I always have to train. myself to split in my head and be like, okay, so these were accomplished effects, at least for TV at the time, I guess, if that one article's to be believed. But it's like, okay, maybe they were. But it's definitely in that uncanny valley period where like, well, maybe it looks good for the time, but it sure doesn't look good. I wouldn't show it to my kid and expect him to

be comfortable with what he's looking at. To be clear. I am not saying this was good. I'm saying this looked expensive. This looked like it cost them a lot of money because they built like their whole cartoonish set. I mean, sitcoms used to be, we got a house. We got like my mom's house. Good enough. Like, well, let's go.

Did latex prosthetics, I wonder, so I can't speak to it well, but it feels like I could do a think piece on the history of latex prosthetics because I am super interested in like creature effects and how they swept through, because they've got to be intertwined. Because I remember at this time, another weird thing is I had an uncle who showed me

novelty porn all the time when I was way too young. And definitely saw Edward penis hands and the penis heads family where they fuck each other with their prosthetic penis heads and come mass quantities with Dan Cockroyd and such and such. That was fun. That uncle's dead now. We love you, Uncle John. Do we? Jesus.

Let's continue. Let's continue. Oh, and I love, dude. I love that they did the, they still have, we're not, I don't want to bury her light under a bushel. There's a fourth girl, a fourth character who's just a girl who's clearly modeled after Cindy Lopper, who is, which is the narrowest time window of reference of fashion you could possibly make.

She looks like Blossom Cindy Lopper era girl. And that's them. That's how she's the April O'Neill, I suppose, because he was, it seems like he was thinking of it as a TMNT. And that would make him splinter, right? That would make Howie Mandel splinter. Because the episode will be like, Howie Montel is a German scientist,

says one last life lesson, and then they do three stooges shit. And then Cindy Lopper is the straight man. Unattended teen neighbor girl. Storms into their house. And it's like, guys, get your shit together. Yeah. But so that we know the kind of bits we're talking

about when they say the ideas are bad. The back half of one of the episodes we covered is that a guy gets too many compliments so he gets a swelled head physically. So they have to insult him to cut his head down to size. So that's like 10% a joke idea or like wordplay. 90% grotesque facial swelling. Yeah. That's the balance there. For which they built several prosthetic heads for him. New prosthetic heads. Multiple. So it's way more about how horrible he looks than anything they say or do at that point. Yeah, he looks like a, it looks like a sex toy having an allergic reaction, for sure.

I'm just going to say it. I'm not sure how he Mandela's a genius, guys. I just, I don't know why we thought he was for a while there. He improvs a lot of his professor stuff, by the way. That does not shock me, because there's not a lot of jokes or plot or point. Once you learn that about something, you watch it, through the lens of, okay, this is a window into their comedy writing mind. And that's where I think Sean comes away with, oh, man, maybe Howie Mandel's sucked

ass the whole time, because these thoughts are very bad. I wouldn't, if I thought of some of these jokes in the room, I wouldn't voice them, like, in a pitch room. That's a good way to describe it, yes. Like, if you look at this through the lens of a comedy writer, it's really frustrating because it's so dog shit basic, but not for adults. It's like these are zero draft versions of jokes for children's books. I think the other creators were the Chiodo brothers.

I think they're pretty well known. They're talented artists who are, they were probably too good for this. Like they did creators, killer clowns, a bunch of claymation stuff you've probably seen. I was wondering if they're not the guys, right?

It's not the three. No, no, no. They're like real actors. Like Sean Wayland, you probably see it a much of stuff. Where Beekman also did catering. me and his guy.

But everything they did is effects forward. Is that right? Like killer clowns, I know. Yeah. So they fuck the claymation and stuff like that. They're like the guy should call if you need like a little three minute claymation thing for a movie. So like in Peewee's big adventure, like when large marge turns into a monster, that's the Chiodo brothers. And these sea monkeys in total disconnect from anything in sea monkeys lore I've ever encountered have claymation abilities. Like they'll roll into a clay ball to

traverse or whatever and then sometimes they'll be like we need water we're going to die from being not underwater and then sometimes they don't really talk about and sometimes they have excess water that they will squirt into each other right didn't from i have some notes of that yeah dude i didn't like that at all right ryan is my favorite clean stand-up and he has a classic to me like mitch headbergy and al-timer witches so sometimes on the highway i'll see a truck carrying a bunch of logs pass another truck carrying a bunch of logs but if they had logs and they need logs

what are we doing? See it's like a phone call could have taken care of this oh you had those so yeah it's shit like that all through it's great I don't know if we've explained the entire premise of the show I guess you probably get it from mad scientist we know a lot about Swam's uncle

which I'm sure we'll cut all that but so so the sea monkeys are like living flintstone style in a fish bowl um they have like a living room and a tv and everything but it's all stupid and underwater like sponge bob themed and they have a what probably should have been an uh an expository theme song is just not there it's just silence and the scientist in the intro credits turns them into full size human human size monsters and it's like honey i blew up the kids but he just pointed it at some sea monkeys that's the premise. What I love is, rather than make a song, like your weird Al shows of the error or whatever, they try to make up for that by ending it with a really incongruous

because he's a scientist in a lab using a tech ray. It cuts to an old-timey font seapiotone newspaper that hits camera with the headline decidedly old-timey phrasing. It's amazing, exclamation point. There are live sea monkeys. It's like very labored. Everything's very labored. That was a great word for it. Can I just say, though, this is, I'm not going to say many positive things. So I have to say this one. I do appreciate the efficiency of that setup.

Like I do, because that took, I don't know, 20 seconds, and it didn't even need the expositional theme song. And you get it. And like, they're like, they at least have that faith in the audience that they're like, yeah, the kids get it from this 20 second montage. She points to shrink Ray Adam. Now they're big. Of course. That's cool. And then we start the first episode, like the pilot episode, it's not about them, like, living their life in the bowl and then getting blown up and, like, being introduced to society.

They're just like, no, no, these dipshits are out here. They've been fucking around forever. Everybody knows about it. That's true. We jump way into the middle. Yeah, they just leap right out there. And, like, I appreciate that faith in the audience of children. And I appreciate the efficiency of that storytelling.

That is the only nice thing I'm going to say about this show. I feel like if we started from the beginning, the scientist would have shot these monsters in the head and said, I've tested it, works. My grow rays are ready to use on my human penis. And that leads back to my uncle. The format does, actually, now that you describe it in that paint by numbers way,

could work if every component was well made. And the Chiodo brothers are not actually not doing their job well. It's just that, for example, like you pointed out, killer clowns from outer space and large marge work way better within the uncanny valley world of claymation that's going for like photorealism with claimation is always going to have that effect leaning into it works this every aspect of this is just misguided which i think actually makes it a perfect hot dog origin story because it really is not just you know i get bored by a bad movie where you're like wow what an insane offer and then you do a mediocre job of it like a workman

like job. This is, nah, the people who made this suck. Every time they go up to bat, they trip on their dick and whiff every time. Every decision is bad. The people who are good on the team do good work in spite of whatever was put in front of them. And it's few and far between. And so it's like, it's consistently frustrating funny, like frustrating slash funny. That's what it, it makes it very interesting to me that that there clearly was money and that there clearly were people in almost every aspect of this show except for the actual show itself, the performers, the jokes, the writing, well, like, set designer pretty good, prop designer, pretty good. Like, the costume's terrible, but pretty good. Yeah, like, the fact that the premise is, you're like, oh, I haven't heard that before and you can say it in one sentence. sure if what it's almost like stella you're like well if the three dudes that are weird do the

stuff and it's funny that could be funny and then they just proceed to do what i would argue is a frustratingly unclean overlap of the three stooges where they're like the three stooges but not in a clearly delineated fashion from episode to episodes one some of them will be the leader or not they don't have consistent characteristics where you're like oh if we're talking pathetic we got to go to Dr. Zoidberg. No, like, I'm like, you know what I mean? I couldn't say Aquarius is the blank one and oh, Mo, he's the leader. They're just like guys and that's murder. That's suicide for a sitcom. And there's no pattern. There's no pattern to break. There's no familiarity to grow. It's just madness in different directions with like no impact because like it's already so

fucking crazy. So they do something silly. You're like, well, yeah, because they're like a fish out of water. But it was like, no, they didn't do that because they're a fish out of water. Like, that's not their normal. They did that because someone thought that fucking, like, children's greeting card was a hilarious pun worth adapting to a television show. Imagine being on set, like all the prep that goes into this. And you've created this world. Like, all your set designers have created the world of costume designers. Everybody spent all this time in prosthetics.

And you're like, you're like one of the, one of the creators of this. And you're like, okay, everything's right. We spent a fortune doing this. Let's see. Let's see what these guys got. And then Howie Mendel comes out and he like slaps an image of the sun on a chalkboard. And he's like, that's the son. I'm the father.

No. No, it can't be this. No, it can't be all for this. Look around you. We made a world. You can't. Yep. You didn't have anything?

In the first episode, which I forget, it's called like the octopatimus, I think. But Howie at one point miss speaks during a take and says, Papa Suss. And one of the other actors, improv calls him on it. What's that? What's a Papa Sasmus? And rather than that being an outtake, right? Where they reset, it's in the episode because he saves it by going,

Well, my son, Papa Sossimus is like, if someone calls you like a guy with a neck made of cheese with a sock in it. And watching the dailies, they were like, I know it was a flub, but that's the kind of gold. We're here to mind. That has to go in the show. So they worked the plot around fitting that in. Jeez, with a sock in it. I also love his improv at the top of one of,

they're fucking around with small sea monkeys in a bowl, which could be an amazing meta-deconstruction episode, right? Like if you did a clone factory episode about a clone, cloning a clone, you could do lots of fun shit. They are playing with a fishbow at the top

and the professor comes in and goes, you old silly boys, don't you know there's no such thing as a pet in a fish bowl? And no one questions that, and they don't unpack it. What are fish then, man? What are you even talking about?

It's going to sound crazy. I only took a couple of clips, and one of them contains that. So I'm like, just let me play this, and everyone get a vibe for the show. Oh, Mrs. Campi. Morning, Aquarium! Ah! Scared you. Hi, Professor.

Silly, see, monkey. What are you doing looking in the fishbow? I'm just looking for a pet to love. You know, there's no such thing as a pet in a fish bowl? But I want a pet. It's so bad. But Aquarius, you are young. You can't have that kind of responsibility.

Professor, make me a pet. Will you, will you, will you, please, professor? I don't have pets. All I have is these freeze-dried packets. Yes, it's minnows, compassy. Oh, octopatimus. Oh, I love a pet. Octopatomatose.

Make me a pet. Octopatomit, Professor. Octopotomy is not a pet. It is an experiment. Don't you understand? And now I have to go. I have written it down to my speed reading class. Tutelo!

That sounds fine. That's good enough. See, I strongly disagree. at my speed. See, I think we all grew up with all comedy. Sure. So someone like Howie Mandel, who sincerely aims his jokes at six-year-olds, is frustrating for me.

Like, the emptiness of something like speed-reading class. He's reading it off a piece of paper, if you can't imagine. It's so unfinished. Like, a part of me, the pities the man who would call that joke done, right? Like, like, it also just occurs to me that his improv. But he gets the fuck back here. This punchline says read slowly, speed reading class like you still have some work to do on this man you're not do not fucking

call it a day on this but uh please stop spitting on me i famously do not like jimc like i don't fucking care man yeah i'm chewing you out you're gonna stay in there for it yeah um and he is like uh sorry go ahead his whole character is like a guy who didn't get the gig at a 1968 hannah barbara audition it's just fucking this ludwig von drake if you remember that like fucking Donald Duck's side character. It's just exactly that. Well, it's ironic that it's so clearly improv with them loosely overlapping each other and having that vibe of, you don't have to laugh, you just have to chuckle, we're just

having fun here, what, you got better shit to do, is kind of the level of comedy they seem to be going for. It's like when they're not even, they're like, you'll barely laugh and we're fine with that. No, it's like a joke book that actually builds itself as a joke book where you're like, well we're in for not a treat but some jokes um but it's crazy to me that or it just occurred to me with that clip he is he doesn't not yes and him which is the classic improvisers credo he no butts him to the degree that he said he defies reality he goes i'm looking for hey welcome to the scene i'm looking for a pet in this fishbowl there are no pets to be found in fish

Bulls. Everyone knows that. Okay. I guess we'll go in a different direction then. Hardest, no, but. Hey, by the way, now I have a gun. Shattered your fishbowl. But on the YouTube video where I watched this, one of the top comments is the guy who's like, by the way, I got to work on this show.

I made all the shirts. And the shirts he's referring to are these shirts that Aquarius wears that are just like long sleeve long johns white long johns with sharpie that say like number one pet owner in this episode and the other episode number one flunky like his costume is just number one whatever in sharpie on a shirt every episode and he got paid 50 000 if that person didn't make the shirts if that's just like someone who's like i gotta say something funny under this youtube video deeply depressing if true it cuts back and he's playing with the frozen packet of like abomination DNA and so that's the man magazine level of joke it's like oh the bit is now he's

gonna treat the packet like a pet right he'll put a leash on the packet he'll feed the packet right and so like i guess they don't know our ways but they also like don't understand like how anything works but it also might be a sea monkey joke because these it's a pretty famously bad toy they're just little brine shrimp that may or may not be alive and you just dump in the fish bowl and you're like well there's your sea monkeys a bunch of like dust like creatures like a pet rock the show. Right. Yeah. Also, it gets too big again.

This is a fully a separate episode, by the way. But both episodes are about this monster got too big. How can we shrink this monster? It's true. I didn't watch all nine episodes that were produced of this monstrosity or whatever. But I wonder if they're always trying to shrink some latex horror. Like, that's the through line. It's too big, but how do we cut them down to size?

Yeah. how they protected their career. So there's a dark reveal here in this episode. We talked about a little where the other two sea monkeys walk in and one says he's pooped. And so the other one just squirts water into his mouth from his finger. And he goes, moisture. So this is a lot. Like this lets us know that we need, that they need moisture.

To live. They can share their excess. Yeah, yeah. But like that's like camels who pee in each other's mouths or something. Like I don't understand the biology of this. It's not okay. It's so fucking gross. It's so gross.

And that's how they're introduced. That's two of your main characters. Like, that's how they're introduced to the show, is meet these gentlemen. They drink from each other. And I believe in the first episode, the guy goes, I think the employees are disgruntled. And we meet them by cutting to them. And one goes, disgruntled. And the other one goes, employee.

And the other one goes, disgruntled. The other goes, employee. So we're also talking about, like, the level abstracted or absurd. this dialogue a children's play would do in an elementary school like presentation. Yeah, it has real kids show vibes. Which can be funny. Like, animaniacs could make that funny,

but this just doesn't. They just don't pull it out. It's kids show vibes, but it's like, it's corrupted somehow. It's like a, it's like one of the skits in Robocop for like a kid show. It's dirty and wrong, yeah. There's a Tom Kenny, like speaking of SpongeBob. I

don't think it's Tom Kenny, which I'm thankful for. But the guy who runs the slate is like a Frankenstein, Igor. Like, they also let everyone be a loud improv character. No one. Yeah. It's like an improv show with too many cooks where you're like, guys, guys, someone has to be the, wow, this is all so crazy guy.

You can't all these clowns, magician birthday clowns. It's too much energy. Yeah, yeah. They break the fourth wall a lot too, which is frustrating. They don't have like a gym character. It's just that the whole set is gym characters. doing Franks Frankenstein Igor so yeah it's your same point that that there's no there's nothing to ground this there it's it's just silly in a world where silly doesn't exist I think maybe the

neighbor oh yeah okay so they they go she's kind of human yeah the neighbors have said about his naval background being not honored duly that guy like the crusty old dean guy no no no the god they should be more specific they have multiple neighbors But like, oh, okay. I guess it's a reversal. It's like a reverse graver, right? Like most of their neighbors are straight men that they have to go visit. And then the straight men are like, fucking these guys are in.

But then what's funny is by the end, they always slip into, let me show, let me show off. I could be funny. Let me show off a little wacky here too. I have colors to me. Like the crusty old neighbor and the second one who's like, no, this is too silly. By the end is like, I'm going to do some poop jokes. Well, and you, the audience, are left to go, ah, these fucking guys about all of it. They push you into that position.

I guess we can go through the plot of this. They do make octopotomous, and it's like a little puppet thing, and it's great. I actually showed this to my daughter, and she hated the show. She was like, this fucking sucks until the octopatomus came on. She's like, wait a second, this part's good. This little puppet guy's pretty great. And they go, watermelon, our favorite food, luau. And you go, oh, from the way they said that, I assume.

do they say that all the time? Nope, never before, never again. No, that's the first episode. They don't have a catchphrase. They do that all the time through this show. Like, they'll do something, and then the implication is that's how this works. And then they'll never do it again. Oh, the one guy's constantly like a Brooklyn guy, but then sometimes they'll go,

wow, cat skills level, shit, dude. It looked right into the camera and said, Oyvei. Yeah, that was in my notes. The whole thing here, the idea is that he needs to be responsible with this pet. He doesn't know why yet, because he doesn't know that it grows when it eats. So he's like, I need to watch you, pet. I can't do something else. And he's like, wait, but my favorite song just came on the record player.

And so he walks across the room to just dance, which is like, supposed to be representative of him of, like, abandoning his responsibilities. No, he could still, it's, yeah, it's so fucking stupid. Oh, yeah, he's just across the room. There's no wall even separating them. Right, he could still watch the pet. Or the idea that you had to just stay nose to nose with this pet 24-hour date. It's crazy. I do think that's a vital scene, though, because, like, it lets you learn about their physical mannerisms as performers.

As, like, another, the other brother comes in and starts dancing with him, too. Like, you need to know this early on. He'd be like this, he'd be like this. Yeah, but like, okay, I'm supposed to hate both of these men personally. With a passion, with a fury. They look like they're outside like a ballet studio mocking people or something. And their music is human music from Rick and Morty. Like, it's just fart sounds and bubble sounds and whop-wop-wop-wop-wop-wop-wap.

Yep. And, of course, the octopatomus swells up too big, right? The thing swells up. That's all what's wrong with the show. Well, first, yeah. It grows a little bit because he eats a bag of potato chips when it's unattended, and it burps. And then the third guy comes and he says, he sees this absolute monstrosity that has never existed anywhere else, like jumping out of its food. And he says, oh, a burping buddy.

That's his exact words. And then they just burp at each other for a while while the other two are just dancing. You're like, oh, this is the fat, disgusting guy, right? no other the brothers will start stealing like the burping bit from him he'll forget that he's the guy that's supposed to be the fat disgusting guy you're like no again it is more like an unfuny stella where they can infect each other like oh that that is a good dad joke i'll do that dad joke too let's all do it for a while okay it's losing steam and then do something else yeah yeah uh like the guy who says leve also in one sequence says alvida said tuts and then a tentacle

grabs him and he goes maroon I'm like what fucking country he's every New York community sea monkey from he's also a sea monkey he's yes he also lived in a fish ball in a little Flintstone's living room then they make weird

lore references like you said like the shooting the water but also doesn't their pain they can feel each other's pain or something yes like a psychic connection when his head gets stuck in the door they're like oh fuck our our friend's head is stuck in the door I haven't watched all of these, but I did scan through a few others when I was looking into this.

And none of this shit ever comes up again. I can't even imagine it would. This is not establishing lore. They don't have a catchphrase. They don't have a psychic thing. It's just like whatever. I'm also curious about the wedding. There's a two-part wedding episode finale that according to the paltry YouTube commenters are like,

this is the one really good episode. And I'm like, I'll trust you on that. I'm not going to watch the wedding. dresses for this. Yeah, number one wedding. I also wonder now if the reason that the plot is always, oh, no, this hideous monstress and he's too big, how can we make it small, is that they're in a constant state of pain and wishing they could go back to their small life in the bowl as normal sea monkeys, like their existence

is hell, and that's what they want. At this point, the neighbor girl rushes over with a bunch of groceries. I have a clip. I think this is really important. Watermelow! Our favorite food! Hello! His food is not for you guys.

It's for my parent's stupid tea party for the rear admiral C-sucker. When you say rear-admiral, do you mean that he has a big butt? And his name is C-sucker. Nailed it. Rear-admiral cock-sucker dog. So it's this hodgepodge of where you're like, so is this for kids?

Because that's name is clearly cock-sucker. And this race of beings clearly sustains themselves with standing 69s, just squirting into each other's bodies. They, oh, yeah. They're like, brother, please help me. And they come water all over each other. And they're like, thank you, Dwightly. And all over everybody else. Let's be fair.

It's not exclusively for each other. They will finger jizz many, many, many different character actors, including the esteemed Sir Gilbert Godfrey. And in this episode, in the two episodes, at least, So I watched in their fullness, they never suck up water or anything. So you do wonder, like, where's the original source of the water they're living on? Or is it just piss? It's definitely the local toilets. Yeah.

They're just water-wolding it. But anyway, this was a real sitcom situation. The family needs to make a good impression with the rear admiral. So they're like, you can't come over sea monkeys. We don't want any sea monkeys. He calls them those dang meddling sea otters. you know his whole function in the show. Right.

I do, again, it's the same. This is not a different compliment. I'm reiterating the same compliment. I appreciate that they're just like, you don't need to know their relationship to this neighbor, or even who the neighbor is. He opens the door and is just like, fucking hate you guys.

Yeah. Of course. Obviously. You don't have to explain anything about that. I'm a child, but I get it. I would hate them on the site, too. You open a door, you see these three guys, and you go. fucking great. Why are you here? That's just a natural human reaction. What fuck are you doing

here? But the rear admiral recognizes them as ocean monsters. Like he, he of course has never seen anything like this. This is, uh, but he considers it pesky, like more than, yeah, a problem. Right, but he considers them real men of the sea. So he gives them a salute. Oh, right? He recognizes their mariner status. That's true. Yes. He's clearly you breathe underwater. And as a Navy man, I respect But by this point, the octopautomus is running around the party, and he's grown to a tremendous size, but they're doing like a snuffel up against things so no one can see it. We're like the WV frog. There's an old Dowager who keeps scandalizing, but no one else can see it for a while. Yeah, you know, like, these bits are so achingly inevitable.

They're just like, it's like death approaching. It's every time you're like, yeah, I know he's going, she's going to be like, scandalized by the monster and nobody else will believe you know the second you see the setup the very moment he goes well I do have this one pet but here's the rules it lives by you go

that's the next 11 minutes of my life yeah you can't wait to see what twist you forget to do with this premise in here oh old Dowager great old Dowager classic thing to Madlibs in sure that makes sense the level of comedy we're playing at yeah

and you know she says she gets I nevered a few times in different ways. It sneezes on her or whatever. I don't remember. Do you have clips? Nope. I only took those two clips, the big butt. What a shame. Well, the only one I wrote down is because I had to rewind it several times to legibly get it and type it out and I was gasping with laughter. And my darkest fear is that this show does represent Howie Mandel coming off a big hit and being told, do whatever you want, you're the genius. And this is his show that he delivered, like the top of his power and imagination.

That is what happened. It has to be. Many times they go and remember our motto, if we don't look good, you don't look good. And they say it several times. And every time they said it, I get rewinding it because I don't understand what it means, even grammatically. Like I'm like, say more. And so, go on. And what do you mean by that?

Like, I'm really not just as a joke, but a human thought or like English words. Right. And that's what makes it hot dog origin worthy. is you're like, it gets to a point of abstraction. You're like, I don't even know what they were going for at this point in some of these places. Okay, but here's the thing is, I think I do. There was a time in human history when like just sort of saying shit from a commercial was like, okay, you're done with a joke. You just said a thing.

Everyone has heard before on their TV. That counts as a joke. We'd see that in movies all the time. You don't usually see it in this like amount. Like when they say, if you don't look good, we don't look good, which was the men's warehouse. slogan at the time. Oh, that's what it was. Thank you.

The other character immediately says, I can't believe he ate the whole thing, which was the Alka-Seltzer slogan at the time. There's no lines between those two things. They went from TV commercial reference to TV commercial reference, which is, it seems unthinkable now, but at the time,

that would have been the laziest thing a writer can do it. You just couldn't do it now. People would just look at you like you're insane. Like comparing them to the Quiznos Sponge, monkeys. Right. It's the sure sign of a hack. I just, I cannot stress enough how much there's not context we're skipping over. Like, they just say that. And it doesn't apply to anything happening anywhere. Well, the Dowager says, like, how could you have something along the lines of like, you know, a line like, this shit is all ruined. Who's responsible for this? And they go,

hey, remember our motto. If we don't look good, you don't look good. Right. That doesn't make any sense. That's not a response to what she just did. No. And then frustrating to the degree. Yeah. Where's the beef? I followed. I can't get up. that I actually think this is funny if it was comedic, and if it wasn't a joke, because it's an anti-omission of a non-joke, what I'm about to describe, and if it wasn't intentional,

it speaks to such a deep ignorance of anything about humor that I'm flabbergasted, which is to shrink the sea monster back down, they realize that the solution is to dry it out with a hair dryer, even though in his improvised monologue, Howie Mandel said, put it in the sun. I guess that's the same.

He meant heat, I guess, not light. But they resolve the problem with a hair dryer. And the line is, ready, aim, dry. Not ready aim dryer. I'm so angry. Like, come on. I hope the next time now he Mandel puts a glove over his head. It's the last time.

You know what I mean? I mean, you know what's going to be, right? Like, that is, that is the obituary. Died avoiding germs. At one point, just doesn't have, just doesn't have that lung capacity. To blow that glove up. And no one's going to save him because of stuff like this. No one's going to be like, I'll get that glove off.

You're just going to look him in the eyes as it happens. Then he does her hairdo and says, how about a whole new dear for, yeah. That's the joke. or the show edits. Like, that's a joke. Yeah, great character. It's like Damon Wayans trying to get fire from Saturday Night Live. But, yeah, they do.

They pretend to be hairdressers to cover for how they have hair dryers because someone's like, hey, why do you have hairdriers? So like, oh, I'm here to do your hair. She's like, sure, fine. But then she sits on the monster and then one of them just grabs her with this bear sea monster hands and just starts ripping her hair out, just pulling on her hair. It's like 15 colors. It has eyeballs.

She looks like reeseease, if you remember him. from Return of the Jedi. I didn't even have to look that dude up. But they just make her into a re-ease. And then she flips out, the monster escapes. At one point, the monster gets another level bigger because it's eating something unspecified under a sheet. That's, that's the heart of me forever.

Well, she's getting her hair yet. Right? It's under the sheet doing something, like cause a ruckus, and she's going, well, I never. What am I supposed to think? Yeah, that's clearly, clearly getting devoured as first by

the sea monster. And that's what I love is. And this is classic 90s kids show era. We're like, fuck it, kids got to grow up sometime. They break the fourth wall

by going, this isn't going to be pretty. And he goes, but this is, and he holds up a picture of a sexy lady that's at least sex, it's old-timey,

but it's sexy enough that she's literally standing in front of a sign that says no minors. So it's like a show for children where they're holding up old-timey,

yes. but pornography. So it adds to the atmosphere of, this is weird. As a kid, I was like, am I supposed to see this? Was this meant for me?

Or am I walking in on my parents having sex right now? Like the social equivalent of, you know what I mean? Like I'm proud of us for not resorting to this until this point. I'll be the first one to do it. They do have three cocks on their heads, each one of them. So like,

You know See scenario Nipples Worst case Cocks Yeah Those are cocks Those are absolutely

Cocks They can be cow nips And can be no other thing Like look at any Any still of this show And you'll be like Oh this is the porn parody

Of cone heads Or something Like I You're not allowed to watch this Because those are penises on their heads This is This is Edward penis head

Or whatever Like this is And they're functional They squirt They squirt They squirt water Yeah What they insure us

is water. Well, they say we need this to live. That's all they were, that's what they say. They need giz to live. It's a high premise pornography. I need this from my brother. That's all we know. And they even predicted the future of pornography. Yeah, it's a war flashback.

Also a very adult. Could you imagine having to jerk off your brother every time you're hungry? What a fucking nightmare of existence. And yet I would be like, if a whale biologist was like, that is how sea monkeys were. I'd be like, sure, that's fine for them. I didn't need it to be a show, you know.

We could have changed that one. It's true. Or it amazes me that they, of all the things they could have done with sea monkeys, how Amanda Laird read that factoid and it's like, well, that's going in the show. Oh, the dicks are on their heads. That's going in the children's show. And the brothers need to drink from them? All right.

All right. I love the smell of seaweed in the morning, a reference to how we napalmed Vietnamese people. And then burned away. their skin. Plus no other thing. No real context for that. I believe their answer is us too. Well, it's the rear admiral is having a trauma of war break, it seems.

The actor is playing it that way. Right, but there's no setup to it. He says it, and then I believe their answer back is us too. What's the joke? Oh, dude. And then it does that thing that Freakazoid used to do to great effect. But so, it falls so flat where they just, or any number of things where they're like, and then the script says,

this, I guess. Or Holy Grail ends with just, let's all go home and get arrested. They cut to Bill and he goes like, and that's why you shouldn't get angry, if somebody eats you. And you're like, that fucking sucked. Dude, that's not. So, it sucked so hard. That's like G.I. Joe came out at the end of the episode and said, hey, kids, fuck

you. I hope you had a bad time. We ran out of time. It just sucks. There's a moment of comedy writing that was maybe the most frustrating for me where The monster could be anywhere. And they're like, oh, I guess it's, the monster's loose. Where could it be?

And one of them just thinks the thought bubble of it, killing a couple of little model buildings. And then his thoughts being acted out on screen are just labeled Cleveland. Yeah, it could be killing Cleveland, which is the name of a movie, but okay. There's not a series of gags leading to like increasingly ridiculous places. It's just a single city with no point. Like, he's not at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or anything. It's just really generic buildings.

It's such a placeholder joke that. that still had to get acted out by the puppet crew. The only thing I can think as a pop culture's, like, archivist is that it's inspired by there were some movies around that time, like the thing that ate Cleveland, right, was a joke format at this time. And I think that's all they're invoking. Like the, like you said, all they're ever invoking are like water cooler talk nuggets or commercial jingles that are going to be forgotten in a second, you know, like,

Or the three stooges, that classic, like, we need to bring these 90s children don't appreciate three stooges. Level gags, right. Yeah, and then he gets a puppy crab, so it's happily ever after. Yeah. And I believe the last scene is him just yelling. If you've ever seen Mad God, this children's show really reminded me of mad God at certain points, just yells.

I think I'll name stinky. I'm so frustrated. Also, it's just an upsetting. Imagine the ocean stench that we give off. I invite you to. Okay, end of episode. But also, we don't, we know that that sucks. We know that that stinks ourselves.

Yeah. No, you didn't think this through it. The puppy crab, yeah. Puppy crab, you know, that's a three out of ten. I got nothing against puppy crab. Tell me how much this resonates. At the bottom of my notes, apparently I did do math on their characters. I said, one is curly plus cowardly lion.

Sometimes. Other two are general zany. but one is often Ari Gold from Entourage. Okay. I don't remember which one is which or who I'm referring to. That's what passed me, right? But they switch. They change.

They pass that off. But they trade their traits, yeah. I got to rewatch Stella because I remember that being maybe the only time this was ever done well, where it's almost like spy versus spy, where you're like, it doesn't matter which one is showalter and which one is Wayne and which one is black. They're just three guys. Yeah. It's hard to pull off. And indeed, they don't. Frankfurt

1,900, Frankfurt Our podcast can't And with maximal in show Talk Frankfurt podcast Correct Yeah The craft is nitratis not under

Shicked you in the honda zone 4 an hour an hour Come on You kid's the number Come on 1,900 Frankfurt

1,000 new and new Frankfurt Einstein-Hunda Frankfurt Einstein-Hu-Gern Yeah, 9,000 Please welcome once again 1,900 hot dogs Very own in-house comic

The overly specific insult comedian Who makes things too real? It's Mr. Jimmy Juggles Hey, thank you, thank you. It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh, what's a matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, I know. I know. I'm working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hissbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this. It's Alpha Scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy, and I watched him kill a white rhino so he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that, oh, it's a very

serious crime. Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters and your elderly self is going to curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's I'm trying something. Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brockway famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here.

She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe. That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you.

I only say true stuff about you. Like, uh, like, uh, like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling Common Sense's mother Mrs. Had a Positive Influence on Common Sense's body dysmorphia. Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us.

All right? I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man, racked by consumption? Like, that's, I'm happy being big. and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl.

I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys got to stop trusting me with your secrets. Oh. Sorry, I hiccoughed while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't happen again.

Delta, Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers

the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh! Back to normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope,

Oh! Oh, alright, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm alright too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christian Berg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh! I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jello. I got Gell-ho. I got Gell-ho. I got Gell-ho. I got Gell-oh. I got Gell-oh. I got Gell-oh. I got Gell- Good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this, it's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college. Oh, that one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me.

All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pinguini. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack. I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here.

He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff O'Raskey, John McCam, and I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man.

Everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next to you. She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life because she don't know. She's worth 10 of you because she's too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry there was again. That's weird.

I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got, I got Joseph Searle's here. I got Josh S. I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M, your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here.

Okay, okay, we got Kamutsas, we got KVH, we got Lane Heygood, we got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. Amjahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Baroy, mercenary, Sissadman, Michael Lair, a Mojou. You carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story.

Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things, they just, they just haunt you. Uh, Mort, I got Mort here. I got Mr. Bob Gray. I got N.D. What does N.D. stand for? Non-descript? Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey? Neil Bailey liked that O. Right? Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff. Am I right?

Ha ha ha. I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer. I got Neku 104. I got Nick Levino. I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete. He's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to print. It's about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it, obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Ornry Weevil.

I got Ozzy Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Pee Wee's uncle. I got re-brandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there

just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria, I got Russell Bowman, I got Sam Copnik, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Champ fan. Now, this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little Moulon and he's like, oh, that's me.

That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, spotty reception. A super knot, Tater's Tales. Thomas Cavatzos. Oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man. You take one look at him and you just know. You just know. This guy, this guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas. I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Victor, Victor, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now, Booster, I see you. I got you. I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You know you're tight. You're type. live your whole life just hoping oh you're just praying some big strong man comes along and calls one of your quips ribald that's you that's what you hope happens that has nothing to do with

me i can just see it on your face wailin russell evan clapham zach and eva i'm looking at john dean here and i just know this guy sees old-timey phops and dandies in movies and he don't know. Are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all? But that don't matter to John Dean because every time he sees them boys mincing and Pranton, he thinks that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes and he becomes an insult comment because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern day man equivalent is of that. But it doesn't just unfulfilled, you know, it doesn't, it's not enough for

John Dean. He thinks, he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here, you know, telling it like it is, and everybody, everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way, does it John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that that was what you were. That's you. That's what that's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh.