The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 252, BrosPod with Alex Schmidt

Episode Date: November 5, 2025

Pierce Brosnan: Own it, enjoy it, don't worry about it. Words our guest Alex Schmidt lives by. Join us as the DOGGZZONE dives into what may be the most handsome origin story of any guest!

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Yeah, 9,000 Welcome to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's last comedy website. I'm Brockway, Robert Brockway, and with me is Baby Sean Baby? Braspot Sean Baby,

pleasure to be here. And our guest today is the clam. The clam. Schmiddy, the clam. It's Alex Schmidt. Hey, thank you for having me. That's so exciting. Who else would we possibly have on for whatever we're about to do, which we won't get into yet? First, where can people find more from you, Schmettie? Oh, I, I love making our podcast is secretly incredibly fascinating. That's the title, secretly incredibly fascinating. If you search the words secretly in a podcast app that is the red one that pops right up. And it's, Yeah, me and my co-ist Katie Golden, and we find out what's amazing about something seemingly ordinary.

I love that you describe how to find your podcast like a teenager ringing up an order on a McDonald's cash register. Like, uh, is it the red one with the squiggles? All right, well, that's where, that's where literacy is. Think of me as your pleasant McDonald's manager guiding you through life. No judgment, not a lot of respect, but no judgment. Sean, where can people find more from you? Is there a way? Oh, there is a way. Go to patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog

and join our comedy website. We do daily articles, just like the good old days, the golden age of the internet. We're keeping it alive. For now, because I, of course, am legally obligated to promote my book. I will kill your imaginary friend for $200. It comes out

January 27th, 20206, which is coming up. It's sooner than you think. Time, it's way sooner than you think if time keeps accelerating like it has been. please pre-order it both because pre-orders are like weirdly hugely important for authors

it sucks, it's insane but booksellers look at the pre-order numbers to determine if they should sell your book so if you don't pre-sell it good enough it's dead in the water before it even comes out it's a terrible system I don't endorse it but you have to do it

you have to pre-order it because I am in breach of contract and I will go to federal prison if I don't sell enough books And if that happens, I'm using my extensive compromat portfolio to destroy everyone you love. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I have to do it. And they're like, Schmetti's here.

If you like secretly incredibly fascinating, that's going down with me. He's going dad. They're all going down. We have a lot of files on Alex. If you search the word secretly in Rockways Compromat database, it pops right up. Right up. Yeah, it's the red one. I have a recording of him praising Israel.

He once told me he thought the Israeli borders made kind of a cool shape. And I will release that if you don't buy my fucking book. I like that the specific thing I said about them is just childish geometry stuff. It doesn't even really matter. Okay, I'll be honest. That's the best I got on Schmittie. But I do think maybe that might take him down. I don't know.

I don't know his audience. He's so beloved that like maybe that's enough And it's like finding a parking ticket on Mr. Rogers You're like And then the parking cop is like Oh, he was really nice I tried to not give it to him and he insisted And you're like, God damn it

But I'm going to do my best I'm going to do my best to take down my friend here Alex Schmidt And send him to prison with me If you don't buy my fucking book So do that please Yeah if you're listening to this also Just get your act together and go reorder it Because also you could like

Make it a gift for somebody at the holidays like that it's coming in a few weeks or you can just get it for any other reason. It's very easy this day of age, you know? Get a book. Yeah, you can just buy it. Go to bookshop. Bookshop.org.

There's like an exclusive bonus. You get like 15% off of it. And they also have a bonus short story I wrote just for them because they're not evil. They're like the only place to get books anymore that's not at least a little bit evil. They give money right to your independent bookstore. You get to pick it.

I picked a place in Portland, even though I don't currently live in Portland, just because I liked the shop. It's like, that sounds neat. I'm going to make sure they get my money for this, and they do. That's very nice. It's so cool. I don't have a joke.

It's just a nice thing. It's just a nice thing. So we're continuing our series where we're exploring the cursed media origins of all of our friends, all of our favorite people, and just kind of finding the first bizarre piece of media that's not just bad, but kind of opened their eyes to the idea that the world in general is much stupider and weirder than they once thought. And as soon as Alex Schmidt heard that prompt, he said,

just the whole life and career and everything of Pierce Brosnan. Yeah, for sure. He answered that problem with a person. I love it. It's probably my favorite choice. Everyone else has a list of just really strange, like, made for TV movies or something. and Alex very confidently is like Pierce fucking Brosman. A guy, his whole life, not even anything specific he did, just his whole deal.

Like Zach and Denard brought us actual physical diseases. Schmidt's bringing a real hunk, just a whole hunk. All somehow perfect answers to the questions. Yeah, I guess if I bring his microbiome, does that count? Is that sort of a disease? Maybe we're there. I don't know. Yeah, there is a, there could be a Pierce Brosnan disease.

I think, again, it would probably only benefit you. I can't imagine it harming you to make you more like Pierce Brosnan's gut biome. Like, I think that would probably cure a lot of things wrong with me. They should do transplants. Just enhances your facemaking. Seriously, Google Pierce Brosnan face and just see what it gives you. Because he has a lot of faces that he makes that are incredible. In fact, that'll be a great background.

Just while you listen to this, just look. look at like the Google image results of Pierce Brosnan and face. Download them all and set them to a slideshow. And I'll, we'll sing in the arms of the angels. It'll make you cry. It'll be real sad. I think the first time I noticed that was in the James Bond movie where he's like parasurf sailing.

I don't know what you call it. But he was like on a parachute and a surfboard. And it was really bad CGI. It was, their CGI efforts were inadequate to the thing they were trying to portray. And they zoomed in on Pierce Brosnan's face, and he sort of made this acting decision to be like, okay, I'm surfing on a CGI ocean. So he just went like, and obviously it's an audio medium. So I got it. You get it.

It was a, it's so absolutely sudden and insane. And I was like, oh, this guy can face. I'm not sure how to look that up. I will. I'll do it on. I'll do it on my own time. Yeah, surf, parachute, face, Brosnan. That'll get it.

Maybe Jiff. There's got to be Jiffs of it. Hold on. Hold on. Surf, we're derailing the whole podcast to stop. I'm going to surf, parachute, face, Brosnan. I do. Another Google search term I'd recommend is Pierce Brosnan Payne Face.

Yes. Because, like, there's so much to say about Pierce Brasen, but one of the things is that he is my favorite actor without, being all that good at acting, right? And so there's often situations where he will just make a choice to make a very pain to face in kind of the absence of any other obvious move to him. And so you'll get a lot of, like, jutting out jaw where you see a bunch of all of his bottom row of teeth in a scenario that doesn't totally call for it.

And so it's really exciting. Yeah. Did you guys, did you find the image, Schmidt? Not the parasailing, but just there's a bunch of other good stuff out there. The parasailing might be die another day, but he ends up, like, flying or hanging from things in all of his Bond movies. So it's what I'm saying. I haven't turned AI off yet on Google. So it tells me that parasailing is a great way to hang myself to death.

I guess that's pretty close to what I ask. That's accurate. So I was bringing up secretly incredibly fascinating before, of course. The other thing I probably do the most often is once a month writing a column for 100 hot dog, which is an absolute joy, and it has been for a long time. And I hope people know how much freedom there is in selecting premises and in selecting just stuff you want to explore as you do it. And I don't think I did Pierce Broson for my very first thing.

I think I did a column about literally hot dogs, like Portillo's Hot Dogs in Chicago. But shortly after that, I just decided to begin exploring this guy. And I can't imagine another website. past or present that would allow this from me. And so I really appreciate it. And thank you so much.

Let's celebrate it. Yeah, you might have the weirdest columns. I think people expect sort of like weird puppet books or karate books or whatever. But then Schmitty's like, oh, yeah, I'm making fun of the 2025 NHL draft this month. You're like, what a weird choice. I love it.

My favorite was the one about a building Were you just like, I'm going to make fun of this building. That despicable building. Yeah, it's a fucking a cube of hell. Again, nobody else has pitched a building, the NHL draft, or the entire just career of a hunk. Yeah. If folks don't know it, it was one about basically Warren Buffett's best friend who at the time, I think, was 99 years old and is not a trained architect and wanted to build sort of like a Borg cube. if it was a college dormitory.

Yeah, a prison, a prison for the youth. Right, and so it's prison. Like, most of them don't have windows in their dorm rooms and so on. And basically the few actual architects who looked at the plan said, this is torment for any human who enters it. And so we shouldn't build it for college students. It reminded me of, like, when you're getting really good at SimCity and you're just, like, min-maxing it,

and you've just created this perfectly efficient thing. And then when you think about it, God, this would be a miserable, a place to live. He's like, no, let's do that in real life. Let's fucking SimCity this college storm. Let's do it. No, they don't let you do that to hamsters. Like, if you tell the guy at the store, the pet store, I'm not going to have any windows in my hamster maze. He'll be like, no, you can't do that. I'm not selling you the hamster. But they let him build that building. We were like, we will sell you our youth, our valuable youth, absolutely. Put them in the cube. Put the youth in the cube. Anyway, that's a little off topic. But

But it's going to get off topic because the topic is the entire life and career of Pierce Brosnan. What is it about Pierce Brosnan's vibe? Can you define it? I think he was never totally meant to be an actor. And what happened is he was a very handsome, very affable man who allegedly the beginning of his acting career is that he was in a fire-eating class. And first of all, how do you get into a class where you learn the stunt of like the circus stunts of fire eating. But then he was just so handsome that he also saw beautiful ladies going into an acting class next door and decided to try it. That's apparently how he got into

acting. And then he just kind of proceeded to constantly be in movies and also do a lot of terrible movies in the run-up to trying to be James Bond that were basically public auditions to be James Bond. And then put him into a lot of weird professional situations where at one point they were shooting one in the middle of the Serbian and Croatian war in Europe. That was the filming location for the movie. And then he, from there, I think all he wants to do is just express how much he loves his wife and how much he loves his son and how much he loves painting. And then also he can't help but just have Bond-esque flirtation flow off of him at all times. And then people keep casting him in movies where none of that makes any sense.

in the modern day it's great what a life to just imagine his life of like I'm just gonna go to fire eating and then I'm gonna like wander next door to acting and everywhere I go people will be like I love you I'm so glad you're here

beautiful you're charming yes you're the best fire eater why not and did he even have a home during this time because was he just wandering from one experience to another being welcomed and loved What a great life for a wandering Ronan Hymbo.

I have a Brosnan connection. A girl I dated for many years. Her roommate was the personal assistant to Pierce Brosnan's wife. And so I guess that's like how many degrees of separation is that. But anyway, she was over there a lot. And she says that Pierce Brosnan is like always on with his fucking smooth brother. Like, hey, my love. Like, to everybody.

Like, the DoorDash driver's going to get flirted with by Pierce Brosnan. That's incredible. Yeah, that's his life. That's just what he does. He's just a, yeah. Just a drifting, drifting hunk. And I think the flirting is, like, not intended to hook up with anybody because he's been, he was like happily married, widowed, and then happily married again.

And it's just that it's like a gift he's giving to the world. Yeah. It's like pleasantly attractive vibe. you know, like, it's not to hook up with the driver. It's just like you've entered the vicinity of Pierce Brosnan. It's like if you smell the flower near you, you will experience my hunkitude. And then you'll move on to your next thing. Everybody leaves with a boner.

Yeah, everybody leaves happy and a little, just with some questions. Yeah, yeah. New questions. That's his goal. Now, have you always, was it like, first time you saw Brosnan, you were like, Yes, that guy's a freak. I'm going to absorb everything he's done. Or was there like a role of his that you experienced later

that sort of unlocked and retconned his weirdness for you? Oh, it came later and it was a product of just being really into the James Bond franchise. Do you remember what the later role was where you were like, that's weird? What's with this guy? It's, I think it was live wire before death train. Okay. But I just wanted to find out, okay, immediately before Pierce Brosnan is in Golden Eye, which is still one of the all-time best Bond movies, for sure.

What got him there, and I had heard of the show Remington Steel, but that just didn't seem like enough to me to put him there. And then it, but it was like later in life that I found out, oh, he was in like a lot of weird movies. Now, was Live Wire the one where water explodes? Yeah, water is bombs. What if water is bombs? If a water is bombs, if a person consumes the water, the person becomes a bomb.

Yeah. It is the issue. Jean-Claude Van Damme made a movie about exploding jeans. And even he would be like, dude, you can't make the fucking water the bomb. What if water is bombs? And you know that Pierce Prozum is like, oh, my God. Wonder. And part of the genius of the movie title Livewire is that doesn't really apply to water turning people in the bombs in any way.

So it's hard to remember. There is no live wire. Oh, yeah, no wiring. You are the live wire. Nope, still doesn't work, Pierce Brasman. Schmetti, have you seen Outlaws with a hyphen? Outlaws. I have heard of it.

I haven't seen it. I don't think I've seen that one. Yeah, it's one where, like, it's a play on in-laws in a way that doesn't make sense. And, like, Pierce Brasen is some sort of secretly dangerous figure. Yeah, it makes sense because they're outlaws and they're his in-laws. And it's Pierce Brosnan and Ellen Barkin. And they're like, it's so much past Maximum Brosnan, it'll blow your fucking mind. It's like every scene he's just like doing that lower teeth thing, but like with a smug edge to it.

And he's like just a madman. Like he's from a different universe where like, I don't know, like a Venture Brothers character. Like he's just this invincible crime beast. That rules. I think like if our sort of motto is like media from the wrong. universe. Like, it's not just bad, but it feels like it shouldn't exist here. I do think Pierce Brosnan is from a different universe. I think Pierce Brosnan's universe is very different from mine. And I don't think we could ever communicate the nature of our reality to each other.

Like, I could try to explain what it's like to have a terrible failing body. And he would never understand that. And he would try to explain what it's like to just drift on a cloud of charm all the time. And I would never, like, even objectively, I might be like, uh, sure, that must be nice, but I would never be able to understand, like, how your brain, how your smooth the brain just does not develop as you drift effortlessly from circumstance to circumstance. And then you wind up just like, just a desperately charming toddler at the end. And that's wonderful. It must be wonderful. I don't know. I love it for him. Yeah. I love that there's somebody that has that experience. Good for him. Yeah, exactly. I think

he's had like too frictionless of a life. And then especially, in his later career, but then also in some early roles, they're like, okay, now you need to be scary or a heavy or vaguely menacing. And he doesn't really know how to do that. So he just toggles from very charming Irish man to random shouting and pain faces. And it's great. And then everybody involved is like, he's so charming. They're like, you did a great job. And then he leaves satisfied that that's what that must mean. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. He was even kind of charming when he watched that cyberchimp get executed in Lawnmore, man. Yeah.

You're like, it's a really handsome way to watch a robot monkey die. That brings us to the next part of the podcast, which, all right, what was the first, what was your origin story with Pierce Brosnan, Schmending? When I was a kid, I was very lucky that my grandma, my grandma Schmidt worked at our local library. My dad was from, like, the town over. It's called Lyle, Illinois. And so she worked at the Lyle Library and their video rental,

apartment, which was just huge shelves of BHS tapes and these like brown covers that the library assigns to them. And so we would go and we like always check out some tapes because you also go see grandma, like fantastic. And then the only things they had really complete collections of were the original series of Star Trek and all of the James Bond movies to that point. And I'm pretty sure. I don't, I wish I remembered whether I saw Brosnan's second or third bond in theaters as my first bond. I can't remember which. But I know I just watched the entire franchise and then Golden Eye is so good and was so much newer than the rest of it. He really like imprinted on me. Like you hear about animals with their babies and their chicks or something. And then, you know,

and then also I like watch clips of bond movies on the cable reruns around the holidays. And I just got like very, very into that franchise and eventually interested in this man later on. And then learned everything else about how weird he is. I like the idea of like, you know how you see very short reviews on a movie poster? I like the idea of just imprinting and then your name under that on a golden eye poster. I think that'd be like a really good poll quote.

An imprinting experience. He's my mom now. Alex Schmidt. Just have that quote just fly up to the screen in the trailer right after an explosion. He's your mom now. I don't understand, but I do understand. I get it.

Yet I also remember being a Die Another Day defender. At the time, Die Another Day was his fourth and final outing at James Bond. And it came out too soon after 9-11 for anybody to appreciate the tone. Because it's by far his silliest Bond movie. And it's like a lot of Roger Moore vibe and also a lot of really dumb in a kind of good way now, CGI. Like how the CGI in the Star Wars Peoples is kind of interesting now, even though the movies are crap, you know? And so I, but I was going around saying,

like, actually, this is a pretty, like, the ice base at the end of it and the invisible car, that's actually pretty neat. And no one was on board. And so that I had to like kind of, kind of retain even more love of Pierce Brosnan to keep me warm in that, that long winter of thinking that movie was good when nobody else did. I always, I found his bond so fascinating because every other Bond had a vibe that was consistent throughout. And his was just, his like evolved throughout all of the bonds. Like he had a kind of a, Golden Eye wasn't entirely straight-laced, but it was very much like, like a Timothy Dalton inflection to it.

And then he would do some Roger Moore stuff. And then he'd do some Sean Connery stuff. Like he, his bond was just movie to movie. It was hard to pin down the vibe. He never had a really solid vibe. Like, this is how I'm playing him. Like, I'm playing him like a madman. Like, it's just always this blank form.

Because he's a handsome dummy. Yeah. That's how he played him. He played Bond as a handsome dummy. And it was, uh, it was great. It was such a great series. I, I first saw him, as Sean mentioned, I first saw him in Longmore Man. And that was, that was before he broke big.

Because we, uh, we saw Longmore Man, not in theaters, but like, right as soon as it came out on tape. Because I, I was so into, like, virtual reality. stuff in primitive days when they didn't know what that was. I'm totally into it. So this was like 90, probably 93 when I saw it, which, uh, it was right before they did those detonator movies he wrote about. So like, I feel like Hollywood was still going, God, we got to use this guy, but I don't know how.

I don't know what he is. And, uh, and so let's stick him in this movie where an insane chimp with a gun gets killed in the first five minutes. And you're like, why would you, why would you use the hunk for that? We gave you a perfectly good hunk. Okay, wasn't that book, like, just about some guy that modus lawn? Yeah, the book has nothing in common. And then the screenplays, like, what if it's like a VR Flowers for Algernon?

And then on top of that, the Flowers for Algernon scientists, they got, like, this dufous hunk. It's a fantastic series of decisions. The main thing I remember about Brousen's character is that everyone calls him Larry, and he's least convincing guy named Larry. Yeah, that's not a Larry. He can't be a Larry at a movie. He's a Lawrence, sure, but not a Larry. I'd buy it.

You would make an exception and call him rents or something, but no, never a Larry. Right. Never a Larry. It's just, maybe if he like. It's such a longer man. I don't know. I was trying to picture him going from Lawrence to Larry. I feel like he would tie an ascot on and like do a real fake American accent.

Oh. Like maybe a toothpick. Like he'd have a. persona called Larry, but yeah, that wouldn't be his day-to-day name. You've also, anytime you can experience Pierce Brosnan trying to do a super specific American accent as a joy, because in both the detonator movies, which were made for TV as a secret audition for Bond in his mind, and the second one he was kind of contractually stuck in, but like he's playing an agent named Mike Graham, whose accent is supposed to be a combination of an English

accent and a lot of time spent in Kentucky and it is never the same voice across two entire movies. It's thrilling. I love when the movie adapts to the casting and they're like, we got to explain what the fuck this guy is doing here because he sounds insane. And so the movie has to stop and be like, well, his mama was from New Orleans, but that's not that's not that accent. You're talking about hard target. Yes. Where they were like, how do we how do we explain? Nobody knows what fucking Belgium is.

How do we explain out this guy talks? Like, maybe he's Creole? No, he's not. He's street fighter. They just didn't care. He's like, oh, he'll be there, and you're like,

what was that fucking voice you had then? No, notes, of course. Sean Connery, when he was that Russian submarine captain, who was just like, well, like, I'm from fucking Russia.

You're like, what, I don't know what that noise was. Yeah. It's great, but just don't mention it. Just don't mention that he talks like that. Well,

I'll be like, yeah, it's Pierce Proustin in a movie. It's fine. Yeah. He's just like going for it. And then in a movie called the King's daughter, he's supposed to be playing King Louis the 14th of France. And he just doesn't bother with an accent at all. Great. You like really fun too. He really has never been good at voices in a way that is really charming and pleasant when you see so many of the roles all back to back. Man, outside of Bond, it's so hard to find. Like, I don't think he's good for a king role. Like, the kings aren't stunningly handsome and, like, effortless. I don't believe that of a king. So, like, all he could really be is kind of bond. Because, like, in lawnmower

man, they were like, we need, we need this ultra, ultra-dorke virtual reality scientists. Like, not just a virtual reality scientist, but, like, the father of VR. So dedicated to this niche specialization that he doesn't even shower. He's so gross. I know. Pierce Brass like it's so no it's always funny yeah like they did it in Dante's peak too they were like we need like this grizzled volcanologist his wife died to a volcano which don't laugh it happens he's like abandoned all of social niceties

to become this weird hermit who lives in the mountains and I know who's there it's Pierce Brosnan again now that was that was the year two volcano movies came out And one of them ended with everyone covered in ash. And they said, like, hey, kid, what color are your parents? And he's like, they all look the same. It was like this insane, sudden, like, anti-racism sentiment. They, like, went out on it.

Was that Dante's peak or was that volcano? That was volcano. Okay. Jones. They said, that volcano, look, say what you will about the volcano. It solved racism. Yeah, true. I haven't seen volcano because I've only seen Dante's.

Peak that's so funny to learn yeah weirdly enough Dante's Peak was the smarter one you would never expect that watching Dante's Peak yeah and it's like it's exactly like you described back way the the move Dante's Peak opens with a volcano killing Pierce Brosnan's wife in a way that they frame as like the volcano tried to kill Pierce Brasen's way it murdered his wife yeah it isn't the revenge story against the volcano Right, and the rest of the movie, he acts the role of a man who has a personal vendetta against the volcano that, like, specifically assassinated his wife. I think he brought that. I think he brought that to the script, because I think that's, his decision was like, so I'm mad at the volcano.

And they were like, no, no, no, it's more complicated than that. And he just didn't hear it. He's like, yeah, no, I got it. I'm mad at the volcano. He just loves his wife a whole that. Because I also, so I follow him on Instagram. And I also try to make a point of any time of Pierce Broson post. hits my feed, I just leave a kind comment. I just, like, encourage him and stuff.

And, but, like, most of the posts are genuinely just really sweet about how much he loves his wife and homes they're married forever. And I really respect it so much about him. And then I try to watch him play any kind of villain in these modern roles. And it doesn't feel natural at all. It just feels like they really forgot who he is at all as a person. There's a movie that might have been a good casting form. Have you ever seen The Foreigner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so this movie for our listeners, it's a Jackie Chan movie, but if Jackie Chan, like, really existed in our world,

so it opens with him getting hit by a car bomb, but instead of, like, doing a cool flip, he, like, his daughter dies and he's just very hurt and sad. And when he, like, he, like, Google's had, like, fine guy who made bomb. And so he, like, sees Pierce Broson on the TV, who's the IRA, like, a liaison. on to the British government. Like, he's a good guy terrorist.

And so Jackie, which is a great role for Pierce Brosnan because he's trying to be a badass, but you're like, no, he's a good guy. You're like, no, no, no, he's the fucking IRA like lieutenant. You're like, no, no, he seems cool. Anyway, Jackie Chan, like, goes on a terror campaign against Pierce Brosnan

because all he has is free time and vengeance. So he's calling him day and night, and then that didn't get anywhere. So he goes into his office and explode. it's the bathroom. But it's also, it's like a real movie. So Jackie Chan, like, it's shot in his first fist fight. Like, it's not a Jackie Chan movie.

It's like, what if... No, it's like a very serious drama. Yeah. Like a kitchen sink political drama about the troubles and also about trying to immigrate from East Asia. Yeah. Right. Both of those things.

We can do both. One movie. Let's go. It's so dark. And I remember Jackie made it after he'd sort of given up on the action movies. He's like, I'm too old for this. this shit. It's crazy. And then he like came back for this movie. I'm like, this is how they talk to you into it? Yeah. It's like, it's not the money, Jackie. We know you have more money than

anybody else in China at this point. Just what are you doing? Right. And I like I've only seen that movie because Pierce Brosnan is in it. And I feel like both Jackie Chan and Pierce Brosnan were told something along the lines of this can win you that Oscar for the first time. taking it so seriously. Incredibly grounded and sad movie. But unfortunately, the title of the movie makes it sound like it will be very racist. It's really not. And like you said, Pierce Brosnan is actually pretty well cast because he's like almost

playing the real person, Jerry Adams, who was an IRA leader. And then now is more of an establishment political figure and semi regrets the bombings. You know, and so like you can, it's like he said, you can see Pierce being, like, Like, oh, a sweet older guy now who used to do stuff. Don't watch the foreigner. No, yeah. It's not an endorsement by any means. It's like never recommend.

I think I just like once in a while, if I'm alone and just feel like seeing a movie, I will look up Pierce Brasson's IMD and see what else is out there and pick one. And that's how I watch that movie. It's not recommended by anyone or anything. Right. But Outlaws, everyone should watch Outlaws. Everyone should watch Longmore Man. Even if you turn off after the chimp gets killed, you got to see that.

Chimp. Oh, it's incredible. It's not sad. He goes out in a blaze of glory like Billy the kid. It's how we want it. It's also just the whole concept of, I'm making an adaptation of Stephen King's work. And then saying Pierce Brosnan should be added, that element's very funny. And I did, I did Google at one point, what's the story like?

And you're right, the Stephen King story is totally different. It involves like the mythological god pan, I think, and some kind of. of like connection to the earth and the trees and then the movie's totally different and yeah there's nothing and it's just they wanted to use Stephen King like on his name on the poster so they paid for the rights for it and we're like

no we don't want to do that we want to do the stupid VR thing and I love that they made that choice I still love that movie it's great he should not have been cast in it like that's not a Pierce Brosnan role he's like

he's I would Okay, I would say he's the bad guy of that movie and he does not understand that. The movie kind of thinks he's the good, presents him like he's the good guy, but if you haven't seen the long-or man, this is an accurate description.

His character gets that chimp killed. Gets that chimp killed? Like, supercharges a chimp until he can't exist in our world and dies basically suicide by cop. Chimp suicide by cop in the first five minutes. And Pierce Brosnan is, is like, well, this is really messed with me that they're making, you know, they want this to be

a weapon of war. I'm going to go off on my own, just totally unsanctioned, nothing behind me, no permission, and I'm going to take my mentally disabled gardener and do brain experiments on him, on my own, in my shed. And you're like, that's the good guy? And I feel like him becoming a cyber god is probably a best case scenario. Like, it's kind of played like, oh, this shouldn't have happened, but it's like, yeah, but it's either that or he died, right? Like, I feel like... It's either that or he commits suicide by cop, like the chimp. Like, those are the two outcomes of this.

And the whole time, like, in this insane setup, when he's, when he's, again, doing a legal brain experiments on a mentally disabled boy in his garden shed, he looks like Pierce Prasden, and his shirt is just open and his hair is blowing, and you're like, why is any of this happening? It doesn't register as like, it doesn't register as the elements of a movie coming together. It's like a music video or something. You're like none of this, this is just a vibe. Yeah.

Well, it really does feel like it should be three minutes of Duran Duran on top of all of Law & Marrman. If you took all of the dialogue out of Lawmower Man, cut it down to three minutes and put Duran Durand Duran over it, better movie. Like, you'd be like, yeah, I accept the whatever. This, this one, there's a monkey, there's who you are, there's Spires, and it's great. Yeah, the lawnmower, Duran. Yeah, yeah, I will say

That's called the Lawnmore Duran theory Yeah, very famous theory you guys are discussing Besides Bond, you know what the other movie was that he was in that was like Oh, yeah, that's that's actually perfect for Pierce Brosson What is Thomas Crown Affair Yeah, that that movie is legitimately very good And it seems like behind the scenes He was a real dufus in way I love

Because Because he's also kind of being James Bond in it Like, they cast it very well, but he apparently was proud of getting to keep the art after making the movie is the way he's phrased it. And I've never been able to find out what that means, because there's no way he kept real priceless works from the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York. So I think he just has prop paintings. Right, but there's no way he knows that. Yeah, they're just, it's like just ordering prints online or something. Like, it's not special.

And then he asked to keep them and they were like, uh, I guess. I'm trying to do that. I paid, I paid $14 for this at a gift shop. But like, I, I'm sure he gets paid at that time, probably multiple millions of dollars. And those paintings were probably one or two million each. It's possible he got paid in painting and they were real paintings. It's not, it's not the crazy. The numbers add up is all I'm saying.

No, I'm saying it. Yeah. Absolutely. It might even be like one of those paintings where they didn't have like a perfect recreation of it. So they just had like, just don't look at it too close. And so he's got, he's got versions of these Renaissance paintings with like Charlie Brown in it somewhere. That's how you can tell. He's displaying that and talking about like, well, you can really see the strokes on Charlie Brown here.

Monet is where he invented Charlie Brown. Nobody's going to call him on that because he's Pierce Broston. They're just like, yeah, God, you're so handsome. I love him. He's like, you can tell it's a fake because they didn't have Snoopy in the Renaissance times. Like, wow, Pierce, you know a lot about art. Yeah. People let me honk their titties, too.

I'm just so handsome. Thomas Crown Affair is, it's like the stylish art thief movie made by and four and with hymboes. Because not only is Pierce Broson just a clear hymbo in every single. sense of the word. It was written by my favorite hymbo, Kurt Wimmer. Hell yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Kurt Wimmer, who did Equilibrium. Yes. Also wrote The Thomas Crown Affair, and that's where his love of art came from, was researching

the movie The Thomas Crown Affair, where he went to a gallery when he was, no, he went to a museum when he was researching that, and he said, he describes the movie. like how he was so changed by seeing art that he finally understood that art can be good and that that was the inspiration that was that was his hymbo inspiration because he is also a very

handsome man who has faced absolutely no difficulty in his life and he stumbled into he followed some attractive women into a screenwriting class I'm sure I'm sure he was out there taking fire hula hooping and then somebody walked by and they're like we're screenwriters he's like that's what I'm going to be and just

wandered in there. And that's how his life went. And he was like, wow, what if art was good this whole time? I'm going to make a movie about that. And then he met Pierce Brasen and Pierce Prasen was like, wow, art is good. And they both just, I don't know, high-fived. I would give anything to see that moment. It's almost like some kind of social experiment in how gently we can handle our handsomest men as a society. You know, like what, what, at, What's the most ideal scenario we can put them in? Which is just playing with cameras and costumes and making a film together. They're both still alive.

Let's get them on a podcast. Let's get them on a podcast together, you guys. Let's do it. I mean, also, God, if I ever met Pierce Brousen, I don't know what I'd do. Boy, I've never even considered that really. I'll tell you what, you'd do whatever he wanted you to do, whatever he said to do, which is what everybody who's ever met Pierce Browson does. I just walked directly behind him quacking, you know? Like, I don't know.

It's just default to duckling mode. And you do that because he said, I think I like ducks right now. I don't know. And then you just be like, yeah. I have a great idea. And Kurt Wimmer would see that. Like, I didn't know a duck could be beautiful. Oh my God.

This gives me an idea for a screenplay. I call it the Thomas Duck Affair. And nobody would correct him. Nobody would be like, that doesn't mean anything. It's also great job Kurt Wimmer. writing a remake of a different Thomas Crown Affair, you know, that's good work if he could get it. That's awesome.

Brilliant. And then he'd go on to write Ultra Violet. Really? I don't know enough about Kurt Wimmer. Kurt Wimmer is wonderful. I'm familiar with the name from Equilibrium because I remember really liking that movie

when I was probably like 12 and then later realizing, I don't know if it's actually that deep, that just the movie kind of ask the question of if you if you take pills is that kind of a metaphor for taking pills you know it's like it's like not that good uh kirk warmer was i will lie he's still my favorite himbo uh it's somebody in an interview i don't remember the exact phrasing but they asked him like if you could do anything right now what would you do and he got really serious and was like

i have this impossible super ambitious project about dolphins And you know, she didn't laugh at him. You know, she was like, yeah, you can have it. You can do it. I'll give you my money. People have made dolphin movies, though. Like, what could his idea be? What is this impossible?

Flipper was a fucking TV show. You could, like, I feel like you could just make a dolphin movie. No. My favorite was that that's where it ends. Just something. big with dolphins. He don't want to give his idea. Because it's too good.

There can't be more than dolphins, so the idea, that's fantastic. Yeah, he was at SeaWorld. He's like, I didn't know these things could jump. Oh, my God, I'm getting ideas. Who would a dolphin could be beautiful? Oh, what if a dolphin could play basketball? You know he's back there looking at the rulebook going, I don't. Yeah, I don't see anything about dolphins here.

I should put this in the movie. moment right now, I should put in the movie. Yeah, because also, because like, Pierce Brosnan is still van amazed by paintings, too. Like, he never lost the amazement from his Thomas Crown days of paintings are beautiful

as an idea. He's not wrong, yeah. Keeps painting. Some paintings are real nice. Yeah. Yeah. I'll just, chuck and say it. But I love that's where the idea stops. Like, the idea the Hymot always stops at, like, these are really nice.

that's what's important about art is that I think it's really nice yeah like when I was thinking about other things for him when we put this together there's a recent interview he did with the New York Times that newspaper where just he and a reporter go to the Guggenheim Museum together to just look at art and there's one part where they look at a painting by Kandinsky and Pierce Brosnan says just makes you want to paint End of fuck That's his entire reaction to a painting

Is paintings are paintings And painting is painting is painting And that's it There's something about a Kandinsky That makes you think you could do that So I get it I get it It just makes me want to do this

You know? Yeah What other thoughts do you have about it? What do you mean? Dude look at these Rothkos man I could fuck it We should make Rothkos Yeah

I really just What do you think about this painting? I really just like the way, stay with me, that it looks. Right? It's like it makes my eyeballs happy. I think I want to take them. No, hear me, hear me out. I take them and they'll be mine, but like there'll be no consequences. Oh my God, this would be such a good movie.

I like that it was a movie about an art thief and he stole the paintings at the end in real life. He's like, I am the Thomas Crown Affair. I'll be taking these things home. And they're like, yeah, sure. You're the best. It was a joy having you here in the museum, Mr. Brasner. And then once he's gone, okay, put the real paintings back on the wall now. Like, we're not done shooting. It's so good to me.

You've got to take him down when you see Brasne coming because you know you're going to give him to him. Mm-hmm. If he asks. Yeah, because this New York Times story, like, also most features about a reporter spending the day with a celebrity. it's very fluffy and stupid, and it's just like, I saw them in the diner booth and they were wearing these clothes and so on. But this one is really just this reporter walks around with Pierce Brosnan. He says he likes paintings and that he feels like painting as a more innocent business than movies.

But I think he only thinks that because he just is already famous from movies and it makes painting easy. Paintings are so famously like insurance fraud, tax shelter, like paintings are as corrupt as an industry can get it's such a business it's so hard and corrupt and difficult yes he just isn't aware and you could never explain it to him nobody nobody ever try please i'm begging you and that because it's pierce brousin and it's a female reporter and then apparently one of the curators at the gougain who's also a lady came over to like meet them when she learned pierce brosn that was in the museum. And then he flirts with that curator. He's just like giving off this pheromone is his main function in life. That's all he does. And just literally like a cartoon floating

around on it. Just. Right, right. Like when Pepe Lepe Lepeu moves around a room, yeah. Just drawn in. What was that movie where he played the devil? Was that urge? Urge, yeah. Which I only saw because he's in it and then it's awful. And he's barely in it. It was scam. on their part. And it took them, what, like, two-thirds of the movie to be like, oh, also this guy who's obviously the devil, get ready for this. He's the devil. I guarantee Pierce Brousen, in real life, gasped and set down the script when that happened. Like, that's the moment you have him. Yeah, I'm in. Yeah, I'd do that project. It's clear we delve through IMDB. Did anybody I only charge you six paintings. Did anybody see on his IMDB?

though, just before he got the Bond movies, he did a couple commercials called Diet Coke, Pierce, Brosnan, Bond-style commercial. The name of the commercials. It's like subliminal titles. Diet Coke, Pierce, Prasman, Bond-style commercial in which he is credited as Action Spy.

Oh, tremendous. Just legally distinct. Just Jim, Jamie, Jamie Blonde. that you bring home from the dollar store. This is my Jamie Blonde doll. What did you say?

Never mind. This is action spy. I got action spy. I watched both those commercials. And one commercial, he flees ninjas onto a train and drinks a lady's Diet Coke. And she doesn't mind

because he's fucking Pierce Brosnan. She just, like, she doesn't have a, I don't think she has lines. You just see language, like leave her body when he sits down. She's like, ha-ha. And then he drinks her Coke

and everything's fine. And the other one, he is also fighting ninjas. That was their understanding of what Bond does. What does Bond do? He fights ninjas. He had to have fought a ninja at least once. Yeah, he did. He fought ninjas in the Japanese one where he became with Sean Goddry became Japanese.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. That movie's notorious. Yeah. Where they just dyed his hair black and they were like, don't change the accent. You're Japanese now and all the Japanese were like, totally. Totally, absolutely. But he secretly fought off ninjas behind her girls back while wooing her on a date, which was a great commercial.

And Diet Coke's actual tagline for this campaign was the perfect soft drink for an imperfect world. Whoa. That's so fucking dystopian Diet Coke. I would argue that Pierce Brosnan fighting ninjas is a perfect world. I guess the imperfection is that ninjas exists. but we need them to exist for you to fight them. It's a class system. Yeah, that's the circle of life they talk about.

I love the perfect soft drink for an imperfect world. The world is shit. Ah, what our soda's all right. And Sean Connery is Japanese. It also, doesn't that also imply that regular Coke is part of the problem, you know? Like, it's part of the imperfect world. That's true, yeah. It's a good point.

This is the perfect one. Everything else is flawed. Oh, God, I love him as a man. I don't have it, much like Pierce Brousin, I don't have an ending for this. Do you have an ending for this? I have one other favorite quote from the New York Times interview, 2025. Apparently, there's just like a lull in the looking at paintings and Pierce Brousen saying, I like to paint.

And the interviewer says that she is surprised that she is a James Bond franchise fan because she doesn't like action movies and it seems like it wouldn't be her kind of movie. and I'm going to fully verbatim quote what Pierce Brosnan said. He described why he thinks she likes the Bond franchise. And it wasn't a theory. He was like, I know this why you like it. This person he just met. Yeah, yeah.

A stranger and a reporter. There's a professional setting. This is what Pierce Brosnan says. Sex. Sex. Sex. Love, lust, desire, sex. That's just it.

Own it, enjoy it, don't worry about it. He unbunned the button with each word. That's how he talks in real life to strangers in a professional setting. That's his experience with life. If you told him that's not what life is, he could never communicate that to him. The words would just not put together. It would be like posing magnets and just bouncing off in his mind. What do you mean?

I think he said something completely different. That's just what she heard. She's just transcribing. Movies are nice just like these paintings are nice. And she heard, fuck, fucking, fuck, fuck all the fucking put fucking on you. Put it all over, put the fucking around you. I read that article. Well, it's just my interior monologue meeting Pierce Brosnan.

Fuck, fucking, lots of fucking more fucking. And then at the end, don't worry about it. That's such a good, like, Greek myth or something where everything he says is smart, but he's too beautiful for anyone to process it. It's so good. I love that. What did that guy say to you? Sex for 17 minutes.

And then get this, he didn't have sex with me. Frankfurt 1,900, Frankfurt Our podcast can't out And with maximal in shawl Like Frankfurt podcast? Correct Yeah

The craft is nitratis not Oner, Shik the in the Huntersau 4 an hour an hour Come on, You kid's the number 1,900 1,500

Frankfurt 1,000 new Frankfurt Einstein-Hunda Frankfurt Einstein-Houder Frankfurt Yeah

9,000 Please welcome once again 1,900 hot dogs very own in-house comic The overly specific insult comedian who makes things to real It's Mr. Jimmy Juggles

Hey! Thank you! Thank you! It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh! What's a matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, I'm not. know. I'm working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hissbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this. It's Alpha Scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy and I watched him kill a white rhino so he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters and your elderly self is going to curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh,

that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying. something. Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brock Way famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe. That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about you. Like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling Common Sense's mother Mrs. Had a Positive Influence on Common Sense's body dysmorphia.

Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us. All right? I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man, racked by consumption? Like, that's, I'm happy being big. and healthy. That's what I like.

That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins.

You guys got to stop trusting me with your secrets. Oh. Sorry, I hiccoped while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't happen again. Delta, Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title,

Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh! Back to normal O's.

Oh, it was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope, Oh, ho! Oh, alright, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christian Berg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh! I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jello. I got Jello. I got Good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this, it's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face

after they leave for college. Oh, that one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, hey Harvey Pengweeney. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack. I got Jared Mountain Man.

Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does.

Not me. Jeff O'Raskey. John McCam. And I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man. Everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next to you. She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life

because she don't know, she's worth 10 of you because she's too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry there was again. That's weird. I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got, I got Joseph Searle's here. I got Josh S.

I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M, your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay, okay, we got Kmootis, we got KVH, we got Lane Heygood, we got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it.

M. Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd, mercenary Sissadman, Michael Lair, a Mojou, you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things, they just, they just haunt you. Uh, Mort, I got Mort here. I got Mr. Bob Gray. I got N.D. What does N.D? stand for non-descript. Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey, Neil Bailey liked that oh,

right? Right, Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff, am I right? Ha ha, I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer, I got Neku 104, I got Nick Levino, I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Orner Weevil. I got Ozzie Olin. I got Patrick Hurst. I got Peewee's uncle. I got rebrandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red wine time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's

what you do red wine time hey rhea i got russell bowman i got sam copnik i got sarcovsky look at sean chase i got seed over here hey space jam fan space jam fan now this is a guy who sees an old timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little moulon and he's like oh that's me that's the way i wish i was oh i got you i know that's how you are hey spotty reception a super not Tater's Tales, Thomas Cavatzos, oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man, you take one look at him and you just know. You just know, this guy, this guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas, I got your tittering ass.

Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat, now Booster, I see you, I got you, I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight, you live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Rybalt. That's you! That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me.

I can just see it on your face. Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here. I and I just know. This guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies, and he don't know. he don't know are they a german thing are they french or english or something are they just kind of all europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all but that don't

matter to john dean because every time he sees them boys minson and pranson he thinks that's me that's not the me i am but is the me i should be and he goes and he becomes an insult comment because that's what they say the men do that's what they say the modern-day man equivalent is of that, but it just doesn't fulfill, you know, it doesn't, it's not enough for John Dean. He thinks, he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here, you know, telling it like it is, and everybody, everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty, and it never quite happens that way, does it John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is, being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man. It's all over

your face that you wish that that was what you were that's you that's what that's what you are it's a joke it's all the joke it's just there's no truth to it there's no truth to it man oh