The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 253, Hamburger The Motion Picture with Jason Pargin

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

Jason Pargin's favorite hotdog is a hamburger with a side of racism, an icey glass of sexual assualt and a garnish of songs that are maybe some of the best ever written. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert will go to jail if you don't buy his book. I know what you're thinking... This is NOT the time to be a wise guy. BUY HIS BOOK. https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend

1,900 hot dog 1,900, hot dog Out podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on, you know the number

1,900 1,900 Hot Dog 1190,000, One 900 Hot Dog Hot Dog Welcome to the 9900 Hot Dog We have a new

100 hot dog Yeah, 9000 Welcome to the Talks of 9000 The Official Podcast of 199 Hot Dog.com Go subscribe It's at patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog We have a new article every weekday

by a cast of all-star writers One of them is free each week But to get them all You have to give us money because we don't have ads, our business model is the same one milk used in the 18th century. I'm Sean Baby from the internet, and my partner was disqualified twice from the 2012 Meat World Games bulge triathlon. He's the great Robert Brockway. Did I? Was I, I was going to win, right? Like, that's not controversial to say that now.

I don't think so. I think we all saw, we all saw the grit. Here's a Brockway fact. I worked at a Burger King for a single day, after which they had to close the restaurant and disinfect it for two months. No follow questions. None needed. That's why you were disqualified. And our guest is best-selling author and two-time Meat World Games top hunk.

He's TikTok's own Jason Pargeon. Which show is this one? This isn't the big foot one, right? No. This is, okay. Jesus. This is just the regular dog zone. So, uh, no Frank Dukes. My life is a blur of of being on shows. This is the, where we talk about

Beanie Babies. This is Beanie Baby Talk with Robert Brockway. Can I be real for a second here? I like the hunk intros. Do you do it for me? It does hurt my feeling when you give a better prize to the guess. If we're being honest, that's why I do it. All right. So we're all clear. You're both top hunks in my book, no matter what the judges say. We should do some plugs. Jason, where can people find more of you? Let's advance your career using this platform. Okay. I'm going to have to not, I guess I'll do it now to bring the vibe down a little bit and we can be we can be funny later but this something i don't normally talk about i don't in public it's something that i kind of i've only basically only my family knows about

this um that i wrote a book that just came out on paperback called i'm starting to worry about this black box of doom very brave you to share that i'm glad you trusted us with this information yeah if you uh anybody listening to this if if you're thinking well great this guy this podcast guy crapped out a book who who cares go read go read the reviews of it there's there's a lot of people who are don't have a financial interest in it who say it's good don't take my word for there's nothing i can say that can make you read it that would be insane to take my word for it go read the reviews from from readers and publications alike and see if it seems like something you would want to read and because it's in paperback it's only i don't know forty seven dollars

whatever paperbacks are now. It's so much that I don't buy very many books, even though I write them professionally. That's bold of you to admit. Well, absolutely well worth it. But worth it. Well worth it. Read the reviews.

Brockway, do you have any illegally binding plugs you need to do before we get going? What a coincidence this is. I am legally obligated to promote my new book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. It comes out January 27th, 2026, which is soon. It's sooner than you think. It's sooner than it feels. It's available everywhere.

We're doing a discount and exclusive bonus chapter. If you order it at bookshop.org and use the code, Robert 15. I don't know why my name is the promo code that seems crazy to me. But I made it. I made it. I'm a promo code now. I got promo code famous. It might just be because I have the most to lose if you don't buy it.

If I don't sell enough copies, I am going to prison. And I'm taking this entire business. with me. I have the passwords to both of our podcasts. It all goes down when I go down. So buy my book. If you only have enough money to buy one book, by all means

buy my book and not Jason's. But if you have enough money, Mr. Fancy Pants here, for two books. Buy my book twice. Because unless you stop what's going to happen, unless you save me, 1,900

Hot Dog dies. So please, save 1,900 hot dog from me. And you might be saying, well, I'll buy two copies and I'll give the other one as a gift for Christmas. No, you keep both copies and make that person buy their own. That ruins the point if you buy extra copies and then give them to other people. That doesn't help Robert at all. Don't donate them to libraries or prisons. And in fact, if you see a library carrying it, take it off the shelf and destroy it.

Yeah, they have to replace that with their money. They have to write that off and get a replacement in with their money. So actually, if you do want to do me a big favor, vandalize your local library, please. It's safest just burned down any library you see. Well, no, the building has to say so they can order more books. But by all means, my book is not sacred. Destroy it in order to force them to buy another copy, fully endorsed. I'm probably going to have to sell more copies for saying that, huh?

Also, if you see like a banned book display somewhere, put Robert's book on it, It's not been banned as far as I know, but that's great publicity. Just put it next to, you know, like to kill a mockingbird, all of those other ones. Yeah, the conservatives hate this one. Good call, yeah. Or the liberals, just like do a quick vibe check on whoever you're talking to. And just say what you've got to say. Ban this book, in fact, go through the procedures, file the paperwork to get this book banned.

I think it'll be a big help. I think that's how they do that. Yeah, fantastic plugs. As listeners probably know, these last couple months, we've been having all our dearest friends and favorite guests on to share their media origin stories, the things that they saw in an early age that made them realize that the spectrum of human expression is vast and contradictory. So, Jason, can you tell us why you made the very strange choice to pick a beloved and often talked about classic, like Hamburger the Motion Picture? Because I have to ruin the format of every show I'm on, let me ask you guys both a question. because I'm genuinely fascinated. How old were you before you could recognize a bad movie as being bad?

And I don't mean when, like, you personally didn't like a thing. I'm saying that when I was a little kid, I would say this movie is boring or it's slow or whatever. But how long was it before you could say, oh, this is like you could tell the difference between a good and a bad movie? I can actually look that up. I think it was we rented nothing but trouble. And so that was 1991. I guess I would have been 15. I guess it's my first memory of like saying,

okay, this is fucking garbage. Okay. So you were able to like, that's interesting that you were able to like see nothing but trouble and think, okay, now I know what a bad movie is now that I've seen a really good one. Yeah, I think I like revisiting it.

I don't think I would hate it as much. But I just remember finding no value in that in a way that was like, oh, this is like, unlikably bad and gross, and I hate it. Because I think before then, I obviously knew bad movies existed. I just don't think I had the judgment to know what made them that way. There was like a bone stripping roller coaster. Come on, the movie rules.

I'm still of the opinion that there's not. The only bad movie is a boring movie, like a very meddling movie that doesn't take chances where, like, I get a lot of entertainment from absolute dog shit movies, hence my entire life and what we're doing right now. Like when you're a toddler, like anything, because you've not seen anything, anything you look at is good, right? Like when I was a little, little kid, they had like the GI Joe cartoons,

and I was not looking at it like, wow, this is the laziest animation. This was clearly done in some inhuman conditions in a sweatshop somewhere. I was just like, wow, this kicks ass. There's stuff exploding all over the screen. So I bring it up because this movie came out in 1986, probably hit my world in probably 1987 the year after.

I would have been 12. And this was definitely before I knew what, because this was an era in my life when, you know, if my dad was watching Casablanca or something, you know, I would just be like, oh, my God, it's so boring. It's so slow. There's like all these long silences. Nothing's blowing up. But the colors, where's the colors?

Like I didn't. I wasn't able to detect like acting and any of a good scripting like that. And then meanwhile, me and my brother would get. you know like rent on VHS we would just find these direct-to-video action movies that usually had some sort of like a hand-drawn cover and both of you know exactly what I'm talking about and it would star like I don't know like a pro athlete that you didn't even know how to film career it's like Bill Cartwright or somebody God could you imagine a Bill Cartwright action movie and the cover is drawn it's a scene that

not in the movie and he's holding like a gun this like anatomically incorrect it's like a double barrel shotgun but they've drawn like a belt of bullets coming out this side because they just you know back then and this is directed and so we would watch that and say oh this kicks ass there's stuff blowing up all over the screen and this was in that era so brockway you mentioned I think a couple of episodes ago as of this recording I think when you were talking about rock and roll high school forever. It was a film you said you had seen a hundred times but had never sat down to watch. No, it was the first rock and roll high school. I've still never seen that all the way through. It was not the Corey Feldman one of the good scene.

No, no, no. Excuse me of seeing Rock and Roll High School forever a hundred times. That puts me on a list. Okay. That is the other part of this equation because I feel like there was one specific generation that consumed media that way. Because prior, I was born in 1975. I'm one of the oldest people in the world. So prior to me coming along, you had the three network, broadcast TV channels, radio, and then whatever albums you could afford.

That was your media. You did not have home video, nothing on demand. Obviously, no internet, anything like that. And then not too long after my generation, being able to watch stuff on demand became much more of a thing. Obviously, like even before Netflix and streaming, you know, its home video became much easier. Kids, you know, that next generation of kids would have a thousand DVDs in the room with all these, you know, Disney movies and stuff like that, that they could just watch over and over again, but they could watch it on their own schedule. I and I think both of us came up in a childhood where, at least for me, we didn't have a VCR when we had one, is when

they were expensive and then rentals were not plentiful. There was one tiny like corner shop and they had one copy of every movie and if that copy got destroyed, like if somebody left it in their car and it melted, then they just didn't have that movie anymore. Right. Yeah, they were like $90, $120 to get a VHS copy. Yeah, to replace them. Yeah, that was that the urban legend was that if you ever accidentally destroyed a video rental, you had to pay $100, which is like $400 in modern money. So at that time, what we did, have was cable. We were, we were in that generation, and I think we had the cable package in this era, the, the hamburger, the motion picture era, where I think we had three movie

channels, HBO Cinemax, and then probably one called just the movie channel that was like the lesser of them. And when you, I would, before we got cable, I thought, and it was something that only the rich kids had. And I remember being in elementary school and having a friend talking about watching Star Wars and thinking, oh my God, you're watching Star Wars on your TV? Because, like, I had seen it in the theater. And then the one time it came to network TV, we watched it. And then the rest of Star Wars was me owning all of the toys. It's like, wow, what a dream world this is to just have Star Wars and Indiana Jones and stuff on your TV all the time.

So then you finally get cable and you realize, oh, that's not how this works. on Friday night at 7 p.m., they have a feature presentation of a big budget fancy movie, but the rest of the 24 hours, they fill with junk because, I guess, because of the way the licensing agreements work that they could not just do Star Wars three times a day, they had a certain number of times they could play it, so what they would do, looking back, is they would buy up these box office bombs and run them. to God three times a day. There'd be a couple of months where they would just stuff their schedule with one of these movies that you had never heard of. And Hamburger the Motion Picture

was one of those. A movie that I've seen a hundred times, but never sat down to intentionally watch. Every time I turned on my TV, some part of it. Because again, kids, you did not get to decide when the movie came on. You were always just coming in the middle of something. And it was just always on. And I was at an age where because, you know, there also was not commentary back then. There was not a thousand YouTube videos about every movie you watched. I didn't even have like magazines about movies. I thought when I was 12 and watching this, oh, this must be a huge hit because otherwise, why would Cinemax be showing it four times a day? Not knowing that they were stuffing the channel with just this is what they could afford.

to cram in there because it's like nobody's watching this except for sad unemployed people or whatever and i remember in high school a few years later talking to a group of friends about like our favorite comedies and i threw out hamburger the motion picture as like this great comedy and none of them had seen it except for one guy who had seen it as like that's the worst movie i've ever seen and i realized oh i had been tricked into consuming a garbage movie and then went back in Washington. It's like, oh, okay, this is bad. I'm not sure I 100% agree, but yeah, I hear your point. I was kind of shocked at how not bad it was at times. Okay, there were a few good jokes, but this, this is insane. Maybe it's not bad, bad,

but it's completely insane. Like, they don't know. This is somebody doing a 1980s sex comedy, who had, who has just come up from outer space and landed in the middle of a motion picture studio. A hundred percent. Really frantically trying to cover for the fact that they just landed their spacecraft outside. Stack and premises, it's nuts. First of all, too, as with all of the best things, this website and podcast covers, if anybody wants to watch it, it's on YouTube, there's an illegal low-res upload of it. It's not in print in any other capacity for any amount of money.

You cannot buy it on DVD. It never made it to Blu-ray. It's not on any of the streaming services. It's a film that the world decided, you know what, we can just let this one fade into the ash heap of history. We don't need to preserve this. This one's public domain now. I know it's not time, but it's public domain by virtue of nobody giving a shit. This is not some zero budget like Mystery Science Theater 3,000 thing.

This has, this has, this costs money to make. This has like a helicopter stunt that somebody risked their life to film. This, they blew up a building filming this. They blew up a real fast food restaurant. They had to pay to rebuild it. Like, this was a serious production. It doesn't have stars in it, but it's a real, it's a real movie. I can prove that with the theme song.

Why don't I just hit play on that theme song? I'm almost any corner of. Almost every town On every lonely highway You'll ever travel down You're gonna find A burger shop Americana, mom and pop

How long there ain't no telling Living out there, out there selling Hamburgers for America America It's in their blood It's their tradition It's almost like the onus I did record the entire

Two minutes and 40 seconds I wasn't going to interrupt you Yeah, no, it's It's fucking great But we'll be here all day If we play every theme song We will never get copyright struck For playing that

That's true We're so safe I think the biggest star in this movie Is Dick Butkiss And his name plays in the credit rate When the chorus kicks in which is, I don't know if they did that as a joke because Dick Butkus is a classic comedy name, but it's perfect. It's like the cosmos winking. Like, it's just, everything just kind of works

out right when your chorus kicks in and Dick Butkiss appears on the screen. I don't know. I appreciate that. It's an expositional movie theme song about the concept of selling hamburgers being patriotic. That's not, okay, one of the lyrics is, look around and listen, makes you proud to hear them cooking. Like, you're filled with American patriotism by virtue of burgers cooking. I don't know. This is what I mean when I say an alien made this. Like, that's not a sentiment I have ever heard before. I get that it's associated with Fourth of July and everything.

But nobody's like, hamburgers are, some fucking German invented the hamburger. If anything, it's hot dogs that are like patriotic, right? I feel like a burger has been co-opted by America. this song was made for this film because I wrote about this movie on the website it's fucking insane if it wasn't well no because it has nothing to do with the plot of this film whatsoever it's entirely about how proud we should be of hamburgers and about it is it was written by somebody who did was not shown a summary of the film's plot or anything they were only given the title and so they just sat around like

hamburgers okay uh and so they yeah i mentioned i think in my article i said it's like something that they would play at like a commercial like a Vegas convention for cattle ranchers yeah like the the the the the beafer of the year is taking the stage and they're to award them that they would this is a song they would play that to like pump everybody up about the concept of hamburgers proud to be a beifer there are multiple uh custom songs I can't call this film lazy. There's a lot of effort here. No, it went for it.

This is like a montage of Americana. It's just like people of all walks of life eating burgers. But one of them has like a full like eagle built into his cowboy hat. I don't know if you made a note of that, but I did. I was like that's the, it's almost like an AI made this. Like if you said, make me a burger song, like it would probably be pretty close to what a human made back then. When you say you didn't know if somebody made a note of it, I assume you're talking to Brockway because I can close my eyes in the entire film plays.

Like I can give you a frame-by-frame rundown of exactly. Because this film opens with a montage over the full length of that song. Again, not getting you into the tone of this film. There's no jokes or wackiness in this. It is a straightforward, heartfelt, three-minute-long montage of just people cooking and eating burgers. And then it dumps straight, straight into an extended shower scene. Hell yes. Instantly, 80s comedy.

We need to talk about the titties in this film. Okay. Please. Because I think if we had a viral TikTok video of Gen Z reacts to Hamburg the Motion Picture, or I guess Gen Z is like 35 years old now, whatever. I guess not, we don't want to show it to children. That would be against the law. But I think they would say, okay, Jason, you said you saw this when you were 12.

What was your reaction to all of the titties in this movie? Like, were you getting like titillated by that at that young age? No, I wasn't. You have to understand, if you were watching comedies in the 80s, there were titties in that movie. You would be sitting there at 10 years old. And I wasn't at that age, I wasn't like scandalized by it or anything else. I just thought, yeah, that's, that's a. this ladies, she's got her boobs out. Okay, I guess this is just, that's the human body. I wasn't

at an age when I was like seeking it out. It's like, yeah, this is in comedy. Sometimes women get their boobs out. I guess that's just what the world is like. I just love that the assignment was bring us like your origin story. And you brought this hot dog themed website, a sex comedy about hamburgers. I feel like that's an insult, right? Like, is that a challenge? Yeah. It really did feel like shorthand, like cutting to the shower is just like, hey, audience, you are watching a sex romp, like by the space aliens making this. The fastest you could possibly say that. Kind of doesn't even mean anything unless you've seen Porky's and Revenge of the Nerds. And like, that's just a part of like how you understand film structure. Otherwise, you're like,

whoa, whoa, whoa, what are we doing here? And I really like there's a clip. I actually took a clip where he gets caught. There's a, there's a dude making out with a girl in the shower. And then he gets caught by like some old lady who you assume is some invention. administrator, whatever. And here's how they react. Ah! Brow Cole! Mrs. Scratchmatter! That's it. That just the character names get screamed out loud.

We don't know who either one of them is. I was especially unsettled. This is where a normal comedy writer would put a joke. Like, oh, I'm here to check the plumbing or something. And no. I'm sorry. Sean, did you not hear the cranky old lady's name? Oh, you're right. Cratchmatter is... Mrs. Cratchmatter. That's the joke. His funny name. You're right.

The cranky overweight woman with the unappealing name. That's the punchline of the scene. All right. I was very confused with the setup because you're supposed to think visual shorthand for college sex comedy, of course, because this is like a co-ed college shower. All these girls are co-eds. And then it pans over to the guy making out with one of them. And he is clearly like 56 years old. I think Jason in your article

you said that he was a 31 year old actor who looked like he was 40 which is a I figure very fairly to describe him he is 31 in 1986 which you got to understand that's you know that that's a guy has probably been to Vietnam you know it's you were 31 in 1986 could not play college student but you realize in the next scene that no he's supposed to be in a 20,

supposed to like a 20 year old kid who just keeps every semester he keeps getting kicked out of college and then why does he keep getting kicked out of colleges? Too much sex. It's not too much sex. That's not doing it justice. He has some sort of innate superpower

that causes every woman to uncontrollably like at the risk of their very lives try to fuck him right there on the spot. And it's actually a curse to him. It has ruined parts of his life and he doesn't like it anymore. And this is so many premises already

here's what's great about it though is it only works on hot ladies like Mrs. Cratchmatter did not have sex of them she sent him immediately to the psychiatrist's office like which I guess is what happens when you get caught fucking at school he's still wet and shirtless in her office

and that's how we learn all this stuff about how he keeps getting kicked out of colleges for too much sex it was such a shocker when he's like my parents are going to be so mad at me like they're still alive so the guy the hunk who women keep sexually literally sexually assaulting in this film is named Lee McCoskey he went to Juilliard oh no so it's as the the premier acting school

in the world he became a soap opera actor after this he's on general hospital and I just assume he was playing hunk middle-aged hunk after this but did a great deal of TV after this film. He was one of the few people that survived this. Good for him. I think he's very competent. I think I have it on minor notes several times that like this guy, why isn't this guy like more famous?

But I guess, yeah, soap opera actor is a different kind of success that, you know, I wouldn't be aware of. He's got like 70 credits on IMDB. He worked for until I think he's, I'm sure he's dead now. Do we skip over the fact that the psychologist that he's sent to see starts fucking him, like against his Yep. Yep. Immediately pulls her tits out and

actually I took a clip of it because they used the same joke from earlier when the dean walks in. Here's how they react. Dean Dewberry. End of joke. Oh, my father's going to kill me. I am going to kill him. I left the scene transition. that's one of the only, like, jokes that, I like a few jokes in this movie.

That's one of the only jokes that, like, I think I like the joke as they intended it. It's very funny for him to be like, oh, no, dad's going to kill me. And then they cut to his dad literally killing him. He's not like, oh, I'm going to yell at him. He's violently choking him to death and slamming his head against the couch over and over again, like, seriously trying to murder him. And that's a smash cut straight to murder is always going to get a laugh out of me. The dad appears to be like four years older than he is.

Yeah, the dad, the dad and the mom. The squad mates in the name. Might be younger than him. Like, you see them all together, and you're like, yeah, this is like a barbershop quartet. I get it. They go all like buds. There's no way, dad, no.

So in terms of, you talked about there's some good jokes in here. This is a film that in my household, we were all citing lines. from this to each other, because again, this was the background of our lives for that. Again, it wasn't years that HBO or whatever network, I think it was the movie channel, maybe Cinemax, I don't know which one of us. One of the lesser ones probably, it wasn't years that they were running at wall to wall. It was a period of a couple of months.

Like, this took over our lives for a couple of months, and we were reciting these lines just over and over, the thing about the cookies later. It was just a common thing we would shout at each other in our home. and I was to the point that I was kind of shocked that other homes did not have the same tradition. But like in here, the guy is complaining to the psychiatrist. He's like, I can't help it. You know, every time I get near a woman, she forces, you know, her first forces her body on me. And like I'll try to go out to go see a movie.

And before we even leave the house, we're in bed. I haven't seen a movie since E.T. That was a funny line. Yeah, it's funny. He's not seen a movie in years. because he keeps banging these babes every time he sets the date. I think that I could have used a little punch-up. Like, I think he could find a funnier movie than E.T.

Or an older movie than E.T. But whatever, that's just splitting hairs. The idea is that he had not seen a movie since he was a child. So he was implying that in 1981 or whatever year, E.T. came out. This is back when I was a little kid, because of course, I'm 20 now, so I'm referring to my childhood not not when I was 36 and saw in the text of the movie they have to be really careful what how far back they go he's too old to land that joke I appreciate the joke now like oh okay I get it I get it they were raping him real young that's good oh oh to be clear the fact that

this guy looks twice as old as he's supposed to be ruins the entire concept every single thing he does is wrong because he's so old and comes off has lines in his forehead, which I'm not trying to old shame anyone. Again, no one mistakes me for a younger man. I'm just saying that this is specifically a college sex comedy or later on they're going to transition to like a military boot camp sex comedy, but it's clearly meant for a 20 year old. Like everything about the tone, the stuff he says, the way he behaves, the way he reacts, the place he's at in his life, or the whole thing is about him. getting the whole to set up the plot is that he has to get a college degree in order to get

his inheritance from his wife was his grandfather or whatever so the whole thing is that he sees on while his dad is choking him he sees a TV commercial for this hamburger university basically saying you can get a diploma in like 12 weeks so his scheme but again but just a totally fine setup for an 80 sex comedy like this is fine this is a smarter premise than happy Gilmore it's yeah three months it's technically a degree that would satisfy as well i get the money it's like 250,000 dollars which back then it's like well i'd be set for life whereas now like that wouldn't that wouldn't be a down payment on a house but back in 1986 the idea is like then he wouldn't have he could just keep being a playboy or whatever

uh and then after that he goes to the burger restaurant not to apply to the college she just goes are for a meal. Yes. He's like, yeah. No, no, you're, no, you're wrong. You fool. You see, this is your problem. You should have watched this movie a hundred times like I had.

He makes an unrelated trip to the restaurant for a burger. While there, the woman behind the counter tries to sexually assault him in the course of him trying to order in the middle of this extremely busy lunch rush. Then while ordering, he sees. he's a poster on the wall advertising so he finds out a second time that they have a hamburger college because they wrote it they wrote two separate inciting incidents and decided just to leave them both in so he doesn't want to enroll in the university he's just looking for a job and then the guy's like dude you're like a full grown man i'm not going to put you behind the cash register

go to burger university and he's like oh right burger university it's like yeah dude that that was last scene. You should remember that. It is funny that another cast member in the movie is like, oh, you're like 40. No, no, no. You can't have it. Because he says, like, no, no, no. These jobs are for the kids, but then the kids working there that he's talking about

are like 20 years old. Yes. He's the only one who noticed this. There's another weird thing that happens here. I took a clip. On old ladies in the drive-thru and this happens. And I'm milded. Oh, and would you put cheese on that, please? Just say Buster cheese full chips on the chocolate buster shape, madam.

Okay. So say it. Fuck off, Pickle. I don't like talking to machines. Look, Tuts. Take that falcon you're driving. Chain it up and shove it where the sun don't shine. Thanks for coming to Buster Burger. Please pull forward. You may be eligible for a prize.

I bet you have said fuck off pickle like 3,000 times in your life, huh, Jason? Here's the problem now, the difference between seeing that now and seeing it when I was 12. Because when I'm 12, that's the funniest thing that's ever happened. And for people who can't visualize that scene, the woman has pulled up to the drive-thru. And a lot of the film is this. They'll just have a little comedy skit, a little vignette that's burger-related that has nothing to do with the plot. They just brainstormed a bunch of funny, like, funny things that could happen at a fast-read restaurant. So while our guy is in there getting sexually assaulted by the woman at the counter,

this old lady pulls up to, and then the drive-threw speakers, it's in the shape of a giant fiberglass pickle, and they have this encounter. Now, obviously, now, knowing something about writing comedy, the problem is the lady curses out the guy at the speaker, and then he curses her back and then she's so shocked by his cursing she has a heart attack and dies in the drive-thru but that's that's a hat on a hat she should not

that doesn't make sense that she's like a foul-mouthed old lady like that's the joke that's the Adam Sandler joke and you end it there and so it's like well no then he says a much less profane thing to her and she's so shocked by it she dies even though that's also the way she talks yeah yeah it doesn't scan but i do think the superior joke would be cutting her being the foul mouth

old lady and just having her die from being sweared at by the pickle like that's i like that pickle kills old woman always funny while we're what we're talking about writing decisions um part of what the problem is is he keeps having sex with these women and they say you need to learn how to say no and so here he meets this cashier this hawker who's like hey i want to have sex And he says no. And then she's like, come on, let's do it. And he says no. So we're 10 minutes into the movie.

His character arc is done. He has learned his lesson and improved himself. And it doesn't help. It doesn't help. It's not related to anything. So spoiler, his arc at the end of the film is going to have nothing whatsoever to do with him learning control over his sexuality or being able to repress women taking advantage of it.

That's not going to come up really. again yeah it's done he's learned his lesson there's some flaws what i'm trying to say now once once they get to the great hamburger university set again they took over an entire college and basically redecorated it as this hamburger themed compound at that point if you took the racism and the tithes out of the film and i realize we've not mentioned the racism yet it's not come up but it it will. If you took the Tiddies and Racism out of this, it's a SpongeBob SquarePants movie. Like the rhythm, every joke is a cartoon joke.

And like they get to this college and it's a military training camp. It's a boot camp. And there's people are like goose stepping past in hamburger uniforms. And there's the guy instead of a teacher, he's a drill sergeant. And he's got like a little, instead of the little writing crop, he's got a spatula that he whips around. That's a SpongeBob. Like, it's a joke for 10-year-olds. Only there's tithies and racism everywhere.

Yeah, I noticed you didn't say take out the titties, you said. Take out the... So we're leaving the titties in the SpongeBob episode. Yeah. Another thing we haven't mentioned, there's a second burger theme song that they play at this part. I have a clip. Give it the old college try. Yes, sir.

America, you get burger hungry. Hungry for the burger that makes you... The chopin for the taste of a buster burger, our famous buster burger that's full of bull. Big, rich shapes, crispy French fries, our double big buster like bull and satisfies. Our people are friendly, our stores are clean to, and nothing but bull is waiting for you. Okay, okay, again, we can stop that. I can't wait to see the soundboard after we're done with this episode and just see eight pages of burger clips. What's crazy about that one is it's diagetic.

Like a nerd is listening to that in the movie. Yeah, but that's a competent song that was recorded in a studio. I hear a chorus and there, it's a whole, there's effort in that in that song. And here's where like the movie is kind of off and running. Like, it's full zany. There's a nun there. There's a paramilitary lady. Like, there's just visual cues that, like, dude, you're watching an 80s comedy, even before the racism and tittyes kick in.

The nun says she was sent there by voices, but not, like, God's telling her to be a burger cooker. But, like, the theme song. She heard that theme song and thought that was God. That's in the text of the movie. Yeah, you meet your classic, your classic sex romp comedy crew. You've got to have a nun, of course. Right. Got to have a nun.

Really going to use that nun for a lot of nun jokes, I'm going to assume in the rest of this movie. Otherwise, why would the nun be there? You got to have your misplaced Latina guerrilla fighter. Sure. That's part of the classic sex romp crew is the guerrilla fighter. You got to have the secondary hunk, who's also horny and slick. Why do we need two hunks? What if something happens to the first hunk?

That's true. Right? You need a backup hunk. We should bring up the racism. to you need a black guy, and the black guy they chose here is a Little Richard type, but kind of jacked, like, sort of a Mr. T. Little Richard, but brought there by the police because he's a prisoner in a full prison jumpsuit and handcuffs that do not come off until the very, very end of the movie. And to be clear, they arrested him to bring him

to the university because they don't have any black managers for their franchise. So they went and arrested the first black guy they saw and forced him into this DEI hire role. It's non-consensual DEI. To prove they're not bigoted. And I believe his name is Magneto Jones. Is that right? Yes, that is. And I'm worried that the listeners think that Brackaway was doing a bit there.

That is the plot of the film. The Dick Buckers' character says that the Supreme Court ruled against him and found that they had had no black store managers in the last 25 years. so they were going to abduct this prisoner and make him their token black store manager against his well. This is explained by Dick Butkiss to him after he calls him the F slur. Yep. Yeah. And again, I did not make this film. You did bring it.

There's also a fatty. Dick Butkiss goes over to the fat. He says, you're too fat. And this is central to that character, his weight problem. So he says, I know you're worried that I'm going to eat all the burgers because of by giant size, right? But check this out. I have like a personal taser. I can self-administrate like if I want a cookie. And then he does. He puts on a shocking device on his finger and then shrieks in pain for so long, like way longer than you're picturing. Okay. This is again

maybe one of the only other jokes that like I think I enjoy it on the level that they intend. 100%. Not necessarily because he's a fat guy, but because the way, the very Chris Farley-esque way that he just loses his fucking mind because it's not a little shock and then he falls over. He turns into an electric berser and he just starts screaming and charging around the place

knocking everything over and flipping out for like 10 minutes every time he turns it on. Yeah, it's not the first time or the last time. So now we learn the rules of Hamburger University. Jason, I'm sure you have these committed to memory.

Yeah, they are forbidden to leave campus. Of course. It's the university. There's no alcohol. no tobacco, no drugs, no outside food, because it's like a movie theater, and of course, sex is forbidden. And now we've got our central conflict because our main character, his character arc is that he is constantly being raped by women. And now the challenge is, ah, but what are you going to do? Because if you get raped again one more time, then you're going to get kicked

out of hamburger college and then you're going to lose your inheritance. So that's, that's now the film. That's the plot that has been set up. You have to spend the night in a haunted house without getting your dick wet. There are so many. This is what I mean by. They're just like, somebody's frantically in here stacking every premise, totally unaware if they work, if they don't work. They don't care. They're just like, don't arrest me. I'll put all of the comedy premises in here. It's a hamburger college. Okay. And he's got to graduate. wait, or he'll get kicked out. Okay, and he's, everybody was raping him all the time.

That's a wild one, okay. Ah, get this. Get this. There's a, there's a, you can't get raped clause at the hamburger college. What the fuck are you talking about? This is like 15 minutes in the movie. What the fuck are you talking about? And also, it's not, it's not a college comedy.

It's a military boot camp comedy. Because from here on out, it's like stripes. The Bill Murray film that maybe none of our listeners have seen but where the first half of the film is them doing boot camp and the second half is they have to go out on a mission they're not prepared for it's that structure so like there's people walking the perimeter with machine guns there's barbed wire it's and then again dick buck just he's the whatever his title is at the college but he's he's a drill sergeant like they refer to him as like the drill sergeant after that so it is this whole it's now treating it like they're in the

military because I guess partway through writing the script they thought oh you know what would be a different a better genre than the one we picked I'm certainly not going to backspace and have like no let's just say that it's like a hamburger army that he has to join again it's a very sponge bob thing they never questioned the the logic of it what if it's the other way around what if this started out as the hamburger the army uh and then they were like Like, uh, what's big right now? College sex romps. Let's all put them, put them all together.

Because there's that real jingoistic theme song. I don't know. Yeah, we should, do we have to mention the woman who's the, the Latina guerrilla fighter? Do we have to mention how she's introduced with, did you have that on the soundboard? Or would that be a hate crime to have that? I do have something of hers on the soundboard, but I don't think I have our introduction, no. I think it'd be pleasantly surprised by. the clip I pulled. Okay.

Okay, so we'll get to that later. But yeah, her name is, I didn't write it down. I think it's Maria Conchita, Consuela, Margarita, mezzanine. I'm missing like at least two. And she always has a submachine gun on her at all times. Right. Yeah. And she's from Guacamole. And they do another hat on a hat joke where Dick Buckers' character is like, and you're from it says here guacamole she's like uh it's guacamole and like okay but that's the joke is already that the country is called guacamole you see i'm saying like he's mispronouncing the joke name of yeah again when i was 12 this seemed fine they just got their line backwards but nobody noticed yeah that's the only problem with that robert you're

right yeah that feels like someone came in later after the movie had been written and said, hey, let's punch this up a little, let's have Dick Butkus not pronounce this right. And that's always frustrating to me when I see something like so, so terrible and so raw and then realized like, oh, no, they were trying. Like, this is what went through some revisions. And then the other thing that happens, and I realize we're, we're not making good enough time on this because we're just through the first act of the film.

But the CEO of the burger, the entire chain, Lyman Von, V-U-N-K, pulls up in a golf cart with his young trophy wife, setting up, of course, as we know, like obviously we've established the whole challenge where they're a character, he can't have sex. So, of course, it's the other horn dog character, the one we just met, who immediately is lusting after her boobs. And then we're sitting there like, well, now, wait a second. I thought, what's this? this second why do we care if this guy has sex he's not our he's not our protagonist but now that's the

conflict that he is not not the guy we were talking about before this totally unrelated dude he's a horn dog and that's and now that's going to be a conflict because again sex is forbidden it completely destroys the movie that you had a second guy who's really horny and handsome and kind of slick. Like, there's two of these guys now, and one of them's our main character, and the other is, it, like, steals all of his setups.

You're like, all of these should be happening to the main guy. But no, we've got a secondary hunk situation. Dick Butkus has a girlfriend, and they're coded, like, seventh graders. Like, he's given her a promise ring to be, like, his sweetheart, and she's into the hero.

Because a guy named Dick Butkiss isn't going to know what fucking is. I guess if you look at this movie, you're thinking, oh, originally that the trophy wife had to have been the love interest for the hero, but no, he has his own love interest. So it, there's just a lot going on. She's the daughter of the CEOs, yeah, because it's... You don't need both. You just don't need the secondary hunk. There was a moment I really liked where the fat guys, like, at the buffet, they go to a party, and he's screaming, you're not hungry at the buffet.

And then he, like, picks up a burger and, like, hooks up. up his electrodes to the burger and then just start screaming again just like again electric berserker just rampaging he is smoking stomping around the dance floor uh will feral did this exact bit on an episode of the office but only like four percent of it so like if you want to see the original the master at work watch hamburger in the motion picture which again this is a bit from a movie about a guy who has gone to a military boot camp and the drill sergeant is making him lose weight because he's too heavy to be a soldier he's going to wash out a you see i'm saying like a guy going to be a manager of a restaurant that's there's no reason to have this conflict in

there yep it's just this guy said here's the thing i could do i can just act like i'm being electrocuted and they're like this is fucking great this going on the movie in fact it's going on the movie six times he becomes he's so enraged and superpowered by his by his electric taser that he smacks the nun down in his it's electrocuting himself nearly to death demolishes the whole party like

knocks the nun down and flings himself into the pool apparently searching for death and in the middle of all of this apparently like alongside or maybe using this as a distraction the Latina guerrilla fighter just runs into the middle of the party

and starts sexually assault assaulting the main character, like right in the middle of everybody. She's just like, right here, you're fucking me right here. And he's like, no, God, please. They could have got away with it. The electrocuted fat guy was really distracted. It was a, that's a real good distraction. When the electrocuted fat guy slaps the nun down, that's when it's time to make your move.

So here in the very next scene after meeting her, Mrs. Vunk, the trophy wife of the CEO, is dancing with the other horn dog character, the only. we just met. And she tells him that she would give up everything if he would have sex with her. Right. Which, again, would be a great plot point for that to happen to the protagonist who has the issue with getting kicked out of, but they wrote the scene for this other guy. Who repeatedly says throughout the movie, I don't give a shit about this burger college thing.

Yeah. I only want the fuck. It also implies that she's with this wealthy man because at one point, They were fucking so hard. And now that they're not fucking, she's like, dude, I don't care about the money. I don't care about the burger franchise. I just need that sweet lovemaking. They wouldn't call it lovemaking.

At Burger University, that's fucking. Right. Yeah, they would find a way to squeeze a racial slur in there. Okay, one guy comes out and screams pool party like food fight. And so then everyone jumps into the pool. And, like, there's some near deaths. Like, people are rescuing each other from the pool. And then the fat guy emergent says, I'm not hungry, as if, like, that was the thing

we were worried about. Then it cuts to like a montage of stuff that's almost kind of good sometimes. Like it's just, it's just every gag they can think of. So some of it's dumb, like they're all crying in a room where they cut onions. But then there's a scene where like the Dick Butkus's girlfriend, the daughter, is like dismembering a cow cut out with a chainsaw. And then she cuts off the balls of it and it bounces to like the horn dog character. And he says, he reads them.

He reads the testicles and says, wow, be nice. nice, and then throws it to the nun, who faints because they're balls, and then she throws it to the fat guy who says, and I quote, Scrotum, a real delicacy of the rich and famous, gently hits it with a salt shaker and takes a bite, which means that the teacher has a cardboard cut out of a cow, that she added real testicles to it, and then this guy ate him raw after they rolled across a floor and got touched by at least three people. Yeah, I wrote this down, too, of you should be extremely terrified of the female lead of this movie now.

She stapled actual bull testicles to this cardboard model. But I feel like the listeners are very confused by your description of that scene because it comes off of just absolute nonsense. But this is part of a montage. For example, there's a scene where they're

doing a surgery on a big cartoon pickle. Oh my God. And it dies on the table, but they say, oh, it's okay because it gave birth to a regular-sized pickle. And everybody around is treating it as real? Like, there's no consistent...

That's why I keep saying it's like an episode of SpongeBob. Like, there's no consistent reality to this film. It's just, like, naked gun skits. It's just every little vignette they could think of this kind of like vaguely fast food related. You should also point out, so the love interest, the female main character, who was teaching that class with the bull testicles,

That means she's a professor now, too. So she is, she's the drill sergeant's girlfriend, she's the owner's daughter, and she's one of the professors. Each one of those things is designed to do one thing and make it like, oh, it's so unlikely we'll get together. There are going to be consequences for it. And they put all of them, as many reasons as they could find all together, as though they would be able to pull this off by the end of the movie,

like, all of this is going to come in relevant. It's all going to come in handy. It's insane. There's also a weird burger machine. Like, it makes automatic burgers, but it just kind of bakes some big, sloppy mess that's 80% sauce. And they do sort of an I Love Lucy bit

where he's, like, trying to make burgers along this assembly line. I took a clip. I put it out there. his shrieking madness of drill sergeant stuff. I don't know. It's such a fucking strange movie. And a lost cause. Like, it is a pile of wet food debris instantly. And it's an exercise in pointless humiliation, but in this cartoon world with no rules. So it's hard to, like, get a handle on what we're supposed to be rooting for or any understanding of anyone's, like,

place in the world. Just some notes for the filmmakers in case they want to remake Hamburger the motion picture. And you know they do. The hamburger machine, all of that, it's a decent. set it works it's an actual it's a big thing they built to be this wacky burger making assembly line and then it's chaos because if you fall behind it has it just keeps piling them up and meanwhile that guy's yelling at you the whole time and there's a thing where he he has it out for the protagonist for no reason i don't think like at that point in the film he doesn't have a reason to hate him yet does he yeah i think he just hates him there's other things we probably don't have time to get into there's a weird nerd and like a mad scientist

character and the weird nerd like burger nerd starts talking to him they decides to use him as like a human experiment subject but again it's all unrelated to the main plot i'm sorry we have to get into that a little bit because i wrote i have a clip uh real quick that might set it up um here oh hey i've given him 20 cc's a bird cup yeah yeah okay i'm glad i'm glad that's the clip because i I listened to it 80 times. And I was like, no, he definitely said bird come. We all agree that was bird come, right? I can't be anything else.

And he injected him with 20 cc's of bird come to test the human body's fried chicken limit, only it turns the nerd into part bird. Temporarily, because he is taken into the shower and like manually masturbated by two very large women in swimsuits. And then he lays an egg and he's fully back to human. But for a good 20, 30 minutes, he is a chicken man. Yep, that's all in this movie. That's all in this movie. It sounds like we're doing bad improv, but that's like a plot line in this movie.

That's his character arc. Another important thing to mention, they do a quick prison break to go out for Chinese food and sex, the hero and the horn dog. And they see the two love interests, the daughter and the wife, at a Chinese restaurant. They hide under the table because Dick Butkus comes in. And while he's there, um, The horn dog gives oral sex to the wife, like, to completion several times while she's, like, having screaming orgasms. And they do that Simpsons bit of the steamed hams where he's like, hmm, why is the table shaking? She's like, earthquake.

Hmm, well, only this table is having an earthquake. Hmm, that's very strange. I wonder, uh, it goes on, I swear to God for 30 minutes. It's cute. It's a, it's a Harry Met Sally bit, bit. If, like, if Harry was actually fucking her under the table. Right. if she had a head up her birth canal.

The woman that is the love interest of our protagonist is named Mia. And so this is her mother that is the trophy wife married to the CEO. And when they walk in the restaurant and they see the two of them sitting there. Because again, they've snuck off campus. Because again, remember one of the rules is you cannot bring in outside food. So they snuck off campus and then they walk in this Chinese restaurant. And the horn dog who obviously is, you know, is horny for the older woman. says it's Mia and her mama a mama mea a line that I've said in my life I'm going to say 10,000

times to various friends and my brother and my dad because I thought that was at age 12 that that was the funniest now obviously now I know the only reason the woman was named Mia was for that line for that line yeah yeah it has like a real like like elegant like kids joke book type rhythm to it. I could see appreciate that as a kid. Again, the humor is aimed specifically at 10-year-old children, except when there's titties and oral sex and racism and sexual assault. Everything else is a SpongeBob episode. I cannot emphasize enough. There's this slapstick quality to everything. I just want to duck in here real quick, just to add an addendum. The way we talk about it, and the way you're going to assume having not seen this scene is like, oh,

he's like, it's implied he's going down on it, right? We keep the camera up top, but she's reacting and squirming because that's the scene we did a lot in the 80s. It's like, oh, she's squirming to something he's doing down there.

Maybe he's just tickling her. Like, we're playing it coy. No, no, no. The camera's below and you're watching his head go just straight between her legs and her like kicking

and screaming the whole time. I should also mention it's like 10 minutes long. Yeah. I wasn't exactly. It's exaggerating. And her daughter is, like, making physical contact. She's being jostled into her daughter.

As she orgasms many times in public. There's also, they have, like, torture pickles at the university. I thought that was interesting. Oh, yeah, the pickle iron means. Yeah, because they get caught, like Dick Buttkiss, like, takes the tablecloth. Oh, the tablecloth gets sucked off by, like, the oral sex. And he sees through the table, the glass table. It's like, oh, you two are down there giving oral sex to my boss's wife.

and so they get put in the like hot box a pickle hotbox but again this is a pure this is a pure sponge bob i'm sorry to keep sullying sponge up sponge bob but this is it is a big pickle you're putting to and locked in and then it squeezes like burger sauce on your head while the theme song plays in your ears like again that is a that's a thing that would happen to a sponge bob character after he gave extended oral sex to his bosses of course of course that's a I mean, the point, this is the point I'm making is that there's such a, the tone shifts rapidly from scene to scene. Like the character in his dorm room, his bed is a giant hamburger. Like it is a big foam specifically.

It's not like a bedspread with a picture of a hamburger on it. And it's got like the sesame seeds are these big fist-sized foam things. It is a big 3D hamburger something a very wealthy child would have in their bedroom. and it is on there that he is going to be raped at gunpoint. Like, there's a mismatch in what they were going for in this film. And again, I'm sitting there at age 12 the whole time. Like, yeah, this is a thing that happens. This is a funny thing that happens.

Like, everybody seems to think this is pretty funny. This is a funny thing that can happen to you when you're a grown up. It's hilarious when a guerrilla fighter breaks into your room and pulls a gun on you and just rapes you until you pretend to be gay, which is the most 80s thing that could have possibly happened. Yeah, that's how he gets out of it. She's so mad about him being gay. Well, she spits on him.

Yeah. Once he implies, he says that you can't rape me, I'm gay. And it's not that like, oh, because you're gay, you can't perform. It's like, no, I'm so disgusted that I now don't even want to sexually assault you anymore. Did you have that sound clip on your, do you have that on your soundboard? Yeah, I do. I have that. Don't tell me, you forgot you dick. Oh, you want yours!

Oh, Conchita, Margarita, Consuelo, Mario Hena Lopez, and he never takes no for an answer. Now strip. What? You close, you take them off, you make love to me now. Contrilo, Contrudeau, there is no sex at Busterberger. You! Oh, yes!

Okay, catch it. Be sorry, smite? I will tell you seven. orgasms from now. Make that 11. Oh, Jesus, just not my day. You will do as I say? Or I will scream, Ray.

Quincyta, can we talk about... Now, you tell me what you'd like for the woman to do to you. Oh, the woman, nothing. Nothing? Then what excites you? Oh, tall, dark, sexy, sweaty, suntam girl fighters.

See, see, see, see. Like your brother. No! Oh, yes, he's spent a whole day fighting in the hills, a single-handedly killing half a dozen government troops with his great big machete. Of sunset, he comes home. I'm waiting for him by the campfire. Ah, you fruited cats!

What good are you? I come to this country to find a real man, and I will. bitch. Yeah, I bet everyone's very glad we played that. Oh, Jamie, cut that? Fucking thing broke. Can't do it.

She's pointing in oozy at him the whole time. And I forgot until just now, because I had only seen this movie once, that the way she rapes him says that I will claim rape unless you let me rape you. I will falsely accuse you of rape

unless you let me have sex with you and ruin your life. And then he gets out of it by finding out that she's, she's very homophobic. So again, it was from a different time. Some worse time. This was 1986. I was 12 watching this like, yeah, this is all stuff that happens in a movie.

I want to talk about something the movie did well, where they go to Burger Church, which I think is a very strange thing that cracked me up, that they, that among all the other Burger things they have, they have a church where he, where the, CEO of the burger place, like, preaches about the power of burgers. And while he's doing that, the fat guy's sitting behind the Latin girl, and she's Latin. So, of course, she has a giant fruit hat on. So he's eating grapes off of her hat. And then he realizes, like, wait, no, I'm not supposed to eat food.

And so he starts to shock himself. And he's grabbing little Richard, and I guess the electricity is chaining through both of them. And so for again, about 15, 20 minutes, the two of them just violently shake in the church. and I don't know, I think it's really good. I think there's times when this movie's a 10 out of 10. I'm just amazed that you're not taking every excuse, because you're not going to have a lot of them in your life, a lot of excuses to say, Magneto Jones.

That's true. You need to take all of those chances. I don't think I knew he was Magneto Jones until, like, the very last second of the movie. I just had him as, like, buff little Richard in my notes. And so I guess that's just what I think of him as. But yeah, Magneto Jones is, it's so. good. So the pivotal page 60 action scene, I think, comes up next because, and part of it is

the horny roommate is going to go meet with Mrs. Vunk, the trophy wife of the CEO, and they start making out in the helicopter, and then Magneto Jones is trying to escape in the helicopter, and this is where I mentioned earlier that there's like a helicopter stunt in the pre-CG era, Like, it is not, it's not like a model hanging from a string. They straight up hired a helicopter stunt pilot whose name is not in the credits somehow, who straight up risked his life to film a pretty elaborate scene. Yeah. I like that the setup makes it seem like Magneto Jones started the helicopter.

No, no, no. They went through the entire elaborate startup process of a helicopter flipping all the switches and everything in order accidentally by fucking. They fuck started a helicopter. And then Magneto Jones just happened to get into the fuck started helicopter, which then took off. Right. I don't know what his plan was. Was he going to fly the plane by himself or fly the helicopter by himself? Or did he think those two people in the helicopter will take me where I need to go?

I think he saw the helicopter starting up and he hopped in it. And then it was too late when he realized, oh, these aren't pilots. They're just fucking in a way that has started the helicopter. Okay. So this is how the witch was right. This is how Magneto Jones dies. But then the big punchline to the scene is that Dick Buckus' character. We see him pulling up in his, it's like an 80s-era Mustang, I think.

And it's like, well, this car is his pride and joy. You know, it would be shame if something happened to it. But I think they forgot to establish prior to now that he cares about his car. So they've just got a scene where he's just like, he's got like a cloth and he's like polishing this. Like, oh, okay. So this would have hit harder if they had previously. mentioned, I just got this new car, look at, aren't you jealous of my new car? Good note for the remake. But yeah, his car gets smashed. And I don't know, I feel like Dick

Butkus is a bad choice for like this sort of pathetic, wimpy, like, ineffectual guy who's getting bullied by the, the antics of the students. Because he's like fucking hard-nosed NFL superstar, right? Like, yeah, because he starts crying when his car gets smashed. And then the horn dog, like, gets out of the helicopter, like, oh, I hope he didn't just get it washed her or something like that. And it's like, well, okay, but why would he not just go break that guy in half? Yeah, he never uses his physical strength. And it's never a threat. It's just he's this huge beef monster. And everybody's like, what a fucking weenie. That's a weird choice. Like, they treat him like he's being played by Gilbert Godfrey or something. This is a Gilbert

Godfrey role. Yeah, a guy who the power has gone to his head, but he can't back it up. That's, That's the idea is that it's like a, he's a Napoleon type. Maybe a guy is really short or whatever and loves bossing people around and make up for the fact that, you know, he's kind of like small and ineffectual. It's like, well, no, you cast a huge drill sergeant guy. Yeah. The casting director said, no, I cast it the funniest name like you want it. So, God, now that, okay, the final thing they have to do is manage a Buster Burger franchise. guys. And so they do that. There's some weird moments. Like there's earlier in the movie,

they learn a lot of like mantras. One of them is put those cookies back, motherfucker. And they have a scene of a little girl stealing cookies. And as one, every burger employee turns to the little girl and says, put those cookies back, motherfucker. And she does not. She takes the cookies. It's fucking great. What a fucking weird moment. An eating club pulls up. Hold on. See, you're skipping too far ahead. I agree.

They graduate and then they, this is the scene where in the military boot camp comedy, they have to go out and do a mission that they're not prepared for. So here, they have to go run a real restaurant for one shift for eight hours. Yeah, this is the Iron Eagle dog fight. Yeah, exactly. You transition from them doing their oral exams, passing or passing that part, and then they have to go. And so you see the gang have to work together.

and then obviously the mean trill sergeant is trying to make them fail for some reason and and then he's sending these these challenges their way so yeah the first thing is this this big truck full of just extremely overweight people and it's an eating club which i i'm not clear it's a team of our nation's bravest fatties they dub in the sound of pigs oinking while they It's real fun-up to the restaurant. You'd expect. And they're like locusts. Like, they're just snatching food from other customers as they get to the counter and

they're grabbing people, throwing them out of the way. However, they also are all-paying customers who each line up and order 60 burgers and 50 fries and 20 shakes a piece until the whole restaurant is sold out of food, which would be treated as the wildest success possible. And instead, they're like, oh, my God, we're ruined. even after they've eaten all of our food we have to get them out of here like no this

this was the success scenario was that a bunch of this is like what what 60 years of American history have been trying to do is just fill a restaurant with people who will eat everything in it and then leave I mean this was a thing that again at age 12

this is like the funniest possible thing look at all of these fat people what a disaster that would be But then I watch it now, and Dick Buckus literally tells them, your score will be based on how much profit you make into shift and the cleanliness of the restaurant. So it's like, okay, instantly we have made literally the maximum possible profit that can be made. We have run out of burgers. Like within one hour of being open, we have made the maximum money that it is possible for this facility to make in a shift. And then it's like, well, yeah, they're making a mess of the place, but it's like, well, who cares?

Yeah, they're going to leave at some point. And then you're going to clean it up. This is the first hour. And you're going to graduate as the greatest store managers ever passed through the program. And instead, it's played like, aha, I've thrown a wrench in their plans. Because, again, the whole thing is, it's Dick Buckkus that sent this disaster there away. So now, in true 80s comedy fashion, they've got to get these people out of the restaurant for, obvious reasons. I shouldn't even have to explain

why. They've got to get them out of there right now. So how do they do it? It's an 80s movie. Everybody at home, pause your podcast radio and say it with us. They poisoned them with laxatives. The classic 80s movie

prank. How many films has a student poisoned their teacher with laxatives or that a fraternity has poisoned a rival fraternity with laxatives? Now, okay, so this plan would be, you would think, oh, okay, so the nerd sneaks off and he puts a closed out of order sign on the bathrooms. That way, it gets them out of the restaurant instead of uncontrollably

shitting up the bathroom that they have been established. They have to clean in order to pass this test. No, they forgot to do that. So all the fat people go to the bathroom and ruin it. They just move the emergency into their plumbing. Yeah, it's just they turned their world to diarrhea on purpose. That's not what happens. Again, you guys, you guys did not. watched the movie as many times as I did. I feel like you're not as prepared. Okay. They go in and there's a stereotype in the bathroom that has been lost to time, which you could see and you can find an old 80s movie. It is the Japanese tourist with a camera. I don't know where this came from. I think it's in Revenge of the Nerds. I think there's a version of it in many, many comedies of the era where they

had passed a Japanese guy. And there was even one movie where the Japanese guy had like five cameras around his neck. And they're also often like Nikons. I don't know what that was referencing. But as a little kid, I would just see these movies like, oh, yeah, you know, these Japanese tourists, they've always got the cameras, you know. See, I don't see color. So I just wrote down this was a pervert. So they go in and they start, they go in and they start farting up the bathroom because that's one thing that laxatives do is they give you a lot of gas, I guess, in the universe of this of this film and they fill the room with with gas and then so he goes to take a photo of of these pooping people and the flash from the camera causes the entire restaurant to explode

and they do a real practical explosion that's how we did it back in the 80s again people risked their lives to get this shot and so you think oh the restaurant has exploded that's the end of the plot there they failed and instead it cuts to our protagonist saying, all right, we got to clean up this mess. I think I want to stop and really make it clear that the solution to this problem was farts and racism. I think that I just want everyone to understand that that's how these people solve the problem in this movie. Because it's the most 1980s movie ever, ever made. Now, I'm worried that some listeners are getting upset because they're like, you've left

something out. The central challenge of the protagonist, Is it he has to avoid being raped before graduation. So how does that factor into this whole thing? What's that? Oh, that's not going to come up again. That's over. That ended with him repelling that woman who was trying to assault him at gunpoint. We should real quick.

There was a biker gang that gets involved. Or no, before that biker cops because there's one cop pulls up to the drive-thru and Dick Butkus says a whole lot of racist shit to him. He's a black biker cop. And he goes and gets all the other black cops and they come here. uh right after a regular biker gang comes there and they're tearing up the place and the cops show up and instead of saying hey you're under arrest bikers they join them in trashing the place uh i feel like we don't need to like dwell on any of those details you get it you get what's happening here you don't have a clip of that two straight minutes of slurs by dick buttkis do you

i didn't take it um i made a note that at one point during the fight the the horn dog runs up to the main biker lady and he says How'd you like to suck on my face? But instead of doing that, she throws him through the window and I'm like, I do not understand the rules of this universe at all. That does not seem like what she should have done. I thought that they should have sucked face. The restaurant explodes.

The next crisis is a biker gang shows up. They had, because again, Dick Bikers is trying to sabotage them. So earlier, the black cop went to the drive-thru and he shouted a bunch of slurs at him. He left. A biker gang shows up. The restaurant has already exploded. The biker gang tries to order food. They are upset that they are out of burgers because the fat people ate them all.

They start trashing the restaurant. The black cop then brings a gang of biker cops. They arrive, see the restaurant that's now been utterly obliterated, both by the explosion and then now by this biker gang. And the heroes think, oh, thank God the police are here. And then the police start trashing. the restaurant, but it's already trashed. So they're

kind of just picking up tables and like turning them over again, even more. What I'm trying to say is the exact same beat repeats twice, not the only time it happens in this film. Because it's already as trashed as it

can be. It's the maximum amount of trashed. And then the police show up as like, oh no, now they're going to trash the restaurant. And then it's going to get trashed a third time in a moment. Okay. I was worried you were forgetting because you said the exact same repeats twice. No, no, it's three times. Yeah, it's the comedy rule of threes. Yes, yes. Nobody reacts to the cops joining in. Like there's not a single shot of a biker going, oh no,

we're under arrest. Wait a second. They're joining us. Like, that could have been funny. That would have been a funny gig. The main police, the main cop goes, this place is screwed. Let's get out here and then they including the biker gang all leave together as like one unified they're all they're all they've they've united at in this cause they've had a great day together which is very funny it's just and then and then now they've left a dick butkus forces a there's a truck being driven by a couple of mexican stereotypes they're farmers it's a truck full of chickens and dick buck just runs them off the road to make them smash into the restaurant, which destroys the restaurant, which has already been destroyed. This is actually now the fourth time the restaurant has been destroyed. It has

exploded, been destroyed by bikers, been destroyed by cops, been crashed into a bike truck. And each time they treat it as if, oh my God, the restaurant's been destroyed. So it would be like if you had a movie where say you had kids at home and their parents have left and there's like a very valuable vase and the mother said whatever you do you cannot break your grandmother's vase this is the most precious thing in the house and oh my gosh they're playing around and they knock it off and it smashes on the floor and then there's three more scenes where they just keep then the vase eating club shows up yeah they just keep breaking the pieces smaller but it's like it's really just it's just broken it's not any more broken but each time

they treat that as an escalation. So, yeah, but it's when the truck crashes through, like, well, I guess this is, this is it. And then our hero is like, no, we can, we can fix this. We can clean it up, you know, you can't get down. But it's like, no, there's nothing left of the restaurant. There's nothing to clean up. You have to rebuild this from the foundation. Another thing I love about this movie is like, during times of crisis, no one reacts with jokes.

So when the CEO drives up in his limo, he sees this four-time destroyed restaurant, and this is what he says. What? I love it. It made me laugh so hard that no one thought to write a joke. And in rebuttal, they see that there's in so much trouble. But don't worry. Don't worry. Our clever hero, our Ferris Bueller-style super-clever hero says absolutely nothing.

He just stands there looking miserable. Here's the final, the final comedy beat of the whole thing. In the middle of prior to the CEO showing up, the guy is trying to give them inspiration saying, well, look, that big hole in the wall where the truck drove through, we could convert that to an outdoor cafe. We could do outdoor seating, which makes no sense. But again, that's something you could do in a cartoon, right? Like SpongeBob could change, you know, the crabby-patti store into whatever.

That's not something you can do in real world physics, but you figure, well, in the cartoonish rules of this world, maybe you could. And then he says, and you see all these chickens laying around, why couldn't we do like a line of chicken sandwiches? You know, you've got to look for the positive. So then the CEO pulls up, sees the restaurant, and Dick Buccas is there, like, gloating, like, ha-ha, you know, these people, these are the worst recruits you've ever had

because his job is to not graduate people, I guess. but but big shocking turn one of the chickens flew out of that truck and landed in the deep fryer right and the nun pulls the whole chicken out of the deep friar which has now cooked itself and starts eating it as you would feathers and all and says the phrase it's tasty by god and the CEO hears this and says oh my god what? We could use that slogan and start selling chicken. In other words, the thing that the main character spoiled one minute ago where he did a throwaway line about chicken sandwiches, they do the joke twice, again, which you should cut that part if you want this to be the final. And then so the CEO and then demotes Dick Bukas to Lifetime Janitor.

Now, this justifies the nuns. This is one of my things that I threw out my entire notes. I kept writing down, why is the nun here? Why is the nun here? Do something with the nun. When they went to Burger Church, I'm like, oh, yeah, here we go. We're going to get some nun jokes. Never had anything to say or do it.

They're like, nope, not going to remark on the nun. The nun has nothing to say about this. And this whole movie, she's in this whole movie, just so that she can pull a full unplugged chicken corpse out of a friar and take a bite out of it for no reason. and say it's tasty by God and that the owner can go, that's it.

She's the spokesman. That's the slogan. We're going to call her the frying nun. The whole fucking runtime was for that. The whole character was for the frying nun. Okay. See, I'm worried that some of our listeners are not laughing at that line

because they're not familiar with the sitcom, The Flying Nun. No, they get it. Oh, now I get it. Now I get it. And the other thing, they're acting like, like she just invented fried chicken, right? So they're like, what? Now we can sell the chicken.

No, like fried chicken was the thing before this. They even mentioned, like, they injected that nerd with bird come to test like the fried chicken limit of the human body. Yeah, they're already working on it. It existed before that. It's two hats on a hat again for like the fifth time in this movie. My favorite character reappears in this scene, too. The fat guy's taser, they stick it on Dick Butt because he's nuts, and he gets electrocuted. And that's why he's the permanent janitor, because he throws a milkshake on the boss while he's being electrocuted.

And he never says, hey, I was being electrocuted. He's just like, go, go, go, or guess I'll be permanent janitor. They put a cowbell on him. He has to, like, spend all of his life as a janitor with a cowbell. And the final scene, it ends the same way the first Star Wars film does. They have a big ceremony where they all get awarded. for, I guess the first Harry Potter does, too, where they all get awarded for the amazing things they accomplished.

Everyone gets a little gag, too. Like, they all graduate, and then, like, it cuts to the crowd, which is sort of maybe a little gag about their character. So when our scheming, like, Horndog graduates, like, a bunch of ladies cheer, because I guess they fuck him all the time. And the fat guy graduates. And so it cuts to, like, five fat people in the crowd. And they're like, yay, the fat guy won.

The revolutionary, a bunch of her guys like shooting guns and the all. because they're up there with their and now again why why would she want to manage a burger restaurant how does that help the revolution i actually don't think i'm still clear on that even now yeah doesn't make a whole lot of sense little richard gets one but there's no gag like they don't cut to a bunch of prisoners instead he they free him from his shackles he takes off his jumpsuit and he has like a glittery outfit on and then he sings the theme song now the second theme song which then transitions into the first theme song. And it's a perfect ending to a perfect movie.

I don't care what anyone says. Almost every corner of almost every town on every lonely highway you'll ever travel down. You're going to find a burger shop, Americana, mom and pop. How long there ain't no telling you. Living out there. They're out there selling hamburgers for America.

Yeah, hamburgers for America. It's in their blood, it's their tradition. It's almost like the on a mission. Selling hamburgers for America. you can stand real still and listen you can hear them in kitchen you can smell the french fresh frying and you can hear the patty sizzling slice tomatoes cheese and bacon soda pop and shakes are shaking and while you're listening and looking Hamburgers for America Hey, yeah, hamburgers for America

Slake! Please welcome once again 1,900 hot dogs Very own in-house comic The overly specific insult comedian Who makes things too real? It's Mr. Jimmy Jiggle! Hey, thank you. Thank you. It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh! What's a matter? A little too real. for you? Yeah, I know. I'm working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hissbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this.

It's Alpha Scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy, and I watched him kill a white rhino so he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's It's a very serious crime. Oh, oh! Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser.

Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters, and your elderly self is going to curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying something.

Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brock Way famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face. Only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe.

That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about. you like uh like a common sense here he looked like he got one of those ironic names like calling common sense's mother mrs had a positive influence on common sense's body

dysmorphia whoa hey come on it's just a joke there's no truth to it it don't mean nothing about neither of us all right I don't wish I was a small frail pale man racked by consumption like that's I'm happy being and big and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne.

Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him.

So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys got to stop trusting me with your secrets. Oh. Sorry, I hiccoped. Well, doing that one. And it came out weird. I want to happen again. Delta, Fox Trot,

Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it.

It's all anybody talks about. Oh! Back to normal O's. Oh! It was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope, Oh, oh, all right, I see Elliot Watson here, he's all right.

I'm all right, too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christian Berg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh!

I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jello. I got good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this, it's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham, you work so much, your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college.

Oh, that one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pengweeney. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack. I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz.

Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me.

Jeff O'Raskey. John McCam. And I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man. Everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next. to you. She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life because she don't know. She's worth 10 of you because she's too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry. There was again.

That's, uh, that's weird. I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got, I got, I got Joseph Searle's here. I got Josh S. I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. and M. Your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay. Okay, we got Kamutsas. We got KVH. We got Lane Haygood. We got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. I'm Alright, we got it, we got it. Amjahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd, mercenary Sissadman, Michael Lair, a Mojou. You carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you.

Some things, they just, they just haunt you. Uh, Mort, I got Mort here, I got Mr. Bob Gray. I got ND, what does ND stand for? nondescript. Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey, Neil Bailey liked that, oh, right? Right, Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff, am I right? Ha ha, ha, I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer, I got Neku 104, I got Nick Levino, I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig.

I can see it. I can see it obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Ornry Weevil. I got Ozzy Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Pee Wee's uncle.

I got re-brandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do.

That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Rhea, I got Russell Bauman, I got Sam Kopnick, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Champ fan, now this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little moulon, and he's like, ooh, that's me. That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, spotty reception, a super knot, Tater's Tales, Thomas Cavatzos.

Oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man? You take one look at him, and you just know. You just know. This guy? This guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas. I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Victor, Victor, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now, Booster, I see you. I got you. I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just. hoping oh you're just praying some big strong man comes along and calls one of your quips ribald that's you that's what you hope happens that has nothing to do with me i can just see it on your face wailing russell evan clapham zach and eva i'm looking at john dean here and i just know this guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies and he don't know he don't know are they a german thing are they french or or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never

existed at all? But that don't matter to John Dean because every time he sees them boys mincing and pranton, he thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes and he becomes an insult comment because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern day man equivalent is of that. But it just unfulfilled, you know? No, it doesn't, it's not enough for John Dean.

He thinks, he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here. You know, telling it like it is, and everybody, everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is, being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that was what you were. That's you.

That's what that's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh