The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 254, Warriors Of The Wasteland with Dirk Marshall

Episode Date: November 19, 2025

Two words: Gay barbarian death cult featuring Fred Williamson. Dirk Marshall's origin story is 1983's "Warriors of the Wasteland," quite possibly the most beautiful story of car-based anal revenge drilling ever put to VHS by a drunk Italian. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert will go to jail if you don't buy his book. I know what you're thinking... This is NOT the time to be a wise guy. BUY HIS BOOK. https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend

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Yeah, 9,000. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 hotdog.com. We're winging it today, which means Brockway, you are a full number one top hunk of the country. I did not prepare a joke. Oh, my God. Congratulations. God, this is all it took. All it took was sabotaging the podcast. Oh, my God, I could have, I could have done this years ago. I'd just like, I'd like to thank God, but I'm not going to,

we had nothing to do with this. It was all me. I'm the number one hunk. It's all going straight to my head. Absolutely. Once again, in your face, God. Go to our Patreon, patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog, too, laugh in the face of Christ. I'm Sean Baby, and here's a Sean maybe fact. Two weeks ago, during a mysterious power outage, I woke up in a universe where they didn't have a tone loke, and I quickly became the most popular musician in the world. Yes, follow-up questions. In fact, I insist on follow-up questions.

Did you do the voice? I did do the voice. I think it's okay because it was so strange, but everything else was the same, except I did also invent pizza. They did not have pizza. In fact, the reason I came back is something went wrong. maybe the reason they didn't have pizza in the universe is once I did that, their universe, the atoms in their universe, started becoming pizza.

No more follow-up questions. Our guest this week is our dear friend, Dirk Marshall. He's a hot sauce man and a movie man. Welcome back, pal. Oh, thank you so much. It feels great to be back and celebrating one of the greatest films of all time. Fuck yeah. We are doing origin stories, and this was important to you.

I know your family owned a video store when you're younger, But of all the videos across all of the genres, you chose the director of light blasts, Warriors of the Wasteland. Yeah. So when you asked me, why are you like this? I didn't know you were doing this series. So I was just like, oh, geez, that seems pretty harsh to ask somebody that. But then it wasn't the first time. So I actually did have some ideas.

And it was between this and a movie called 20. Texas Gladiators, which I'm talking about with Zach on his podcast. So, um, but this is the one that really left a huge, uh, imprint on me at like, I, I, I think I was around nine when I saw it. That seems like the right age for this movie. That's about like the intellectual level of this movie. If you haven't seen Wars of the Louis Island, I bet people haven't. It was, um, what's the director's name again?

Enzo Castellari. Yeah. Castellari. You might be, you might be confused because I, it's not called Warriors. of the wasteland, is it? It's like, is that our American re-release title? Yeah, it was originally made under the title The New Barbarians and it was made by Enzo. They had done the Bronx Warriors and then they did escape from the Bronx

kind of at the same time and then they had a little bit of money left and they came up with the idea for this Warriors, the Wasteland, which I mean, New Barbarians, which is basically they saw Mad Max 2 and were like, we'll do that, but they didn't have any money. And so this was the result. Three weeks later, they went into production. I don't think you'd know it, though. Looking at it, I'm like, they spent some money on this.

They took some time and made something. I feel like the way I would describe this and Light Blast is that it's, if you cut this down to three minutes, you could convince anyone that it's just the fucking ratest movie experience that I'll ever be. It's just he has no idea how to do a plot, how to tell a story, what characters are. The things that you obviously know are important in a movie, but don't realize how important they are until they're all gone. And then you see a guy's head explode.

You're like, holy shit, that was amazing. I didn't think I was going to be the odd pan out. I disagree on every level. You think this movie had great plot and characters. I think, yes. I think this is a genuine, unironic piece of art, and I love it. We can get into that later after we've talked about, like, what the movie is. Fantastic.

If you haven't guessed by now, it is post-apocalyptic. It's set in the year 2019. The title card says, the nuclear holocaust is over. So this is like, not just post-apocalypse. Like, it's done. We've already handled the apocalypse. This is the aftermath. The movie's like in no rush to get started. It says here in my notes, it's about four minutes in before anyone says anything to anybody about anything. And it's not like there's a lot of sets to really explore. It's just like they went to some shitty area of Italy and like, yeah, it's just like walk down the crappy road of the camera for a bit. Oh, I'm familiar with this, with this location. This is a quarry.

Yep. This is if you don't have money and you want to make a, Mad Max Ripoff, go to the quarry. And they do constantly because there's not like a lot for this movie. They just are like quarry. And then they show something else. And then they're like, let's drive back into that quarry. Let's get back in that quarry. We got to get back in that quarry.

I was like, are they driving in the same cliff? And I'm like, why am I calling on a clip? That's so obviously a quarry. They just keep driving cars into that quarry wall. It's same wall. It's like my favorite character in this movie. And I do think there are some great characters. It's the wall.

It's the quarry wall. When I say characters, I guess I think the movie does have good characters. They've got Fabio Hare, Nick Offerbin, they've got Human Bad Gremlin, they've got Mohawk General Zod, they've got White Hot Lady, they got Black Hot Lady.

That's all of them. That's all you need. They got Pro Bowl defensive back, Fred Williamson. I checked Fred Williamson's IMDB. I really like Fred Williamson. 127 acting rules. 124 of which I'm allowed to say as a white man. Yeah, do you want to read the first 10 years of his career?

Nope. The characters that he played real quick while we're recording. Do you want to read those? No. He also wrote and directed a lot. Jamie, we're going to have to cut all this. He made a lot of films in Italy, like 20 of them, and they're so bad, like really hard to get through, but they're kind of funny to watch because it's just a lot of Italian

pedestrians stirring right into the camera or like right at the gigantic, famous American football star. And nothing happens in any of them. It really is, I think, Fred Williamson just, like, on vacation. It's like, just film me for four hours. We'll chop it into something. The star level is, like, remarkably different, though. Like, every minute he's on camera, you're like, why are the other people allowed on camera? This should just be the Fred Williamson show. And they seem to know it. Like, he'll say something, and then they'll take a minute to be like, wow, Fred Williamson. Oh, it's my line. Okay. Dirk, you want to try to describe his outfit. Okay, so he has a gold nipple on his shoulder and it's the rest of its leather,

some of its pleated leather. It's very low in the chest region because you've got to see full sternum and there's some netting and he has a tiny little band around the top of his head. It's very confusing that he's not the main hero of the film. Every time he shows up, Rockway's completely right, you forget all about Giancarlo Prete, who's the lead of the film. I didn't even have that in my notes. Didn't even know that was a guy. In my notes, he's bowling ball haircut. It's fair.

He's got kind of a sexy, slutty Canadian trapper out. The main guy, not for the reason. Yeah. And that's just not enough. It's not enough for what Fred, what I'm assuming Fred Williamson showed up to set in and was like, I'm in Italy. This is how you guys dress, right?

And they were like, yeah, yeah, we're water park samurai. That's correct. I feel like Dirk failed to mention the codpiece. Oh, sorry. And maybe you're being respectful to Mr. Williamson's groin. But fantastic codpiece. He also has, like, a big plastic infinity gauntlet on that holds, like, tiny microgrenades. It kind of looks like, it looks very plasticy, like he's wearing the new Barbarians Jr.

play set, which I love so hard. He looks like, in my notes, I think I narrowed it down to this. He looks like the 15th coolest guy in the band Cameo, which is. Pretty high praise. That's good. All right, I figured he looks like the final challenge in a TV series called, is it Fred Williamson or is it cake? Okay.

Yes. Everything on him looks edible. I would eat most of it. Yeah, the codpiece first. Maybe I'm podcast and horny. I don't know. Jamie, leave it in. I want Fred to know.

There's a commentary on the Blu-ray, of course. And Enzo loves to say that they made this before. for Rambo shot explosive arrows. And so they're pretty sure that he got it from this. First ones to think of it. I fucking love that. Because so much of this movie is like how a nine-year-old would play. And so like it would be totally normal for me.

My gutlet has grenades and also my arrows have grenades. And my car has grenades and drill and crawlblade rockets. That's really how they made it too. they like yeah they went they had their ideas they sold the premise of the film so then they went to make the movie after like three weeks just welding shit to cars and then they just each day were like what about this what about this and in the commentary every time it shows scorpion's pistol he goes it's a toy it's a toy i bought and it's just the yeah i know yeah that's hon solos deal 44 the tone is off like we're talking about like it fucking rules but it doesn't rule for a long time

because the beginning, it's real sad apocalypse stuff. It's a bunch of, like, struggling survivors huddled around a radio, and they're like, oh, wow, someone else might be alive out there. And then suddenly he goes, oh, God, if only everything could go back to the way it was. And that's your first clue that a lot of these people might be speaking English phonetically. Yeah. So when I was a kid, I didn't know that this wasn't an American film. And so I just thought that this was the greatest acting I'd ever seen.

But before we even get to the acting, I just wanted to mention, after we see the quick two-second where they drop the bomb on the city and we see the nuclear fallout happening in a tiny, tiny little screen, the camera pans across the landscape and there's some dead astronauts, one of which has see-through cone boobs. Hell yeah. Everything's see-through cones. Thank you for bringing that up. See-through cones and domes is like the aesthetic of this movie. What else would an Italian astronaut wear? Seriously, picture in your head an Italian astronaut wearing something different. Ridiculous.

All right. Now, you said this, this doesn't kick ass for a long time. I feel like within, within the first couple of minutes, for sure, everything is lasers. Literally, everything starts making a laser sound. Right. It was like, oh, this kicks ass. Maybe I was exaggerating 40 minutes. Because the first thing that happens takes a while, but when it does, you're like, oh, fuck, yes.

Because a bunch of Road Warrior guys pull up to them, and they look so cool. They look like they're filming a Billy Ocean video, and they just, like, they're in the white disco suits and they have like cyber truck dune buggies. They all have laser pistols and they like surround the nerds and like they're just driving their cars around them with no care in the world. The survivors have laser assault rifles and they do shoot a dune buggy, but the rest of them are just like, yeah, that's probably the only one they'll get and they were right. The outfits on the bad guys, on the, they're called Templars, the Templar gang that show

up all of course in dune buggies. Every single one of them is driving, driving dune buggies or like dirt bikes. So they're also, and not like post-apocalyptic. They're very, they're very shiny. They're very fancy. They're very Italian. And they, they show up and they're like so immaculately groomed. And like all of the survivors down there are just miserable and filthy and like in rags. And then these guys show up like the apocalypse never happened. It looks like they're in. Yeah, they look so good. It looks like they're in space balls. uniforms, every single one of them. That's a good way to describe it. Yeah, like, things are a little too puffy, way too clean. Yeah, huge, like, round things in places that you're like, that's not, like, cool or intimidated. That's just weird that you're doing that. But it rules. And then they go down and they just start fucking ramping over where it's not necessarily

that they're like, they're like trying to attack them. They're just there to do cool tricks. And if shit happens to explode, I mean, that's, that's unfortunate. Yeah. And their cars have, like, flame throwers, rocket launchers, a spear, a spinning blade that extends off the side. Like, as a kid, I was like, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen. I want all those toys.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. Everything is, like, kid-coded to be the coolest thing ever. Like, the biker does lighter grenade. And he doesn't have a laser grenade. It's like a super low-tech, like, pipe bomb that he built. And he, like, yeah, he's got a full-on, like, cowboy fuse. He jumps over the little encampment and drops the grenade, kills a food truck, nothing else.

It's so fucking great. Let me be clear. If you're a post-apocalyptic survivor just like struggling to stay alive and you make a little circle encampment to like fend off raiders. And you know that out there in the wasteland are raiders that exclusively ride dune buggies and dirt bikes and love to do jumps. And you set up a series of jumps all the way around your encampment. because like it's not like they're not jumping off of dunes to go on this there are ramps coming down from every single car to the outside for for no for no reason and all the doobuggies are like well we got it we got to do that right there's like 16 ramps here like they I hate to be victim blaming but they are asking for it's their fault I think you don't even need an apocalypse I think if you build a ramp next to your food truck you will know that's how you will die yeah your food truck that food truck's gonna explode yeah this it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's going to explode yeah this it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's is how I will one day die. This is a mistake to build this. This is what, this would be like level one of a laser tag tutorial. Like every, they just drive right up to these idiots and they're

like, shoot us, shoot us, shoot us. They gave him plenty of chances. And when they fucked it up, they're like, all right, let's kill him. And they killed him so cool. The main guy has a harpoon on the front of his car and a flame thrower. So he'll use the harpoon to like pull off the weak point of the enemy vehicle and then use the flamethrower to like roast it. There's a See, he kills a guy the flamethrower in this sea because he like chases him down in the dune buggy

and he like trips and falls and he gives a little smirk like, dude, I did not think I'd get the flamethrower a human but like since you fell down and he roasts him. Fantastic.

Yeah, this was going to be a harpoon kill but while we're here, a little something for me. I always wanted to try this. Mohawk General Zod kills a guy with his crow blade, the spinning blades coming off the side of his car and they did it practical

exactly like you think they did. Someone built a real dune buggy with a blade and drove past a mannequin and lop the fucking head off with it. It's awesome. And the mannequin is designed to dry hump the ground once the head's cut off. Yeah, they put pneumatics in it. It's so cool.

And that dude, Mako, named after a shark, his hair is a fin and his beard is shaped like teeth. My hair is like a shark's fin. His whole head is like a shark's fin. It's so crazy. But no one else has these weird styles and they're just like, this is Shark Man. And you're like, what? Okay.

I should point out that everything including the flamethrower makes a laser noise and the blades. The blades also make laser noises. Everything is like, yeah, and the cars make laser noises. Everything is a laser noise. It's fucking fantastic. The same movie every third grader wrote and continues to write every recess. They find a book, and this is just out of nowhere, they find a book, they're like, books, that's what started the whole apocalypse. And he tears it in half like a fucking Christian strong man. And I would think this makes them less cool. Like they, now they're like bad guys from a local library meeting or GOP lawmakers. I'm like, these guys were so fucking cool a second ago. But luckily,

they never revisit the books thing. They're, they're bad guys from a, from a scholastic reading campaign. I am, I'm both like glad and sad that they dropped that because they would have been much funnier if they were just against books the whole time. But then that's equilibrium. That's Kurt Wimmer's equilibrium. Yeah, that's just equilibrium. I might have mentioned there's no character or plot, but like there is kind of a power struggle where Fabio and Nick Offerman goes up to human bad gremlin. He's like, I want to be the next king. And then he's like, they're king of the desert. This world is dead. So like these guys are just full nilists. They just want to kill all humans. Yep. Yeah, they're a death cult. They're used to classic Italian

death cult. Yeah, a very well-groomed, very, very clean death cult. There's also crazies. were introduced very, very briefly to the crazies, which are like ape-like garbage mummies. Yeah, I wrote junkyard mummies. Yeah. Also, there's a moment here I really like where Fabio Nick Offerman says, I heard him on the radio. They think there's still civilization out there. And I don't think the filmmakers intended this, but it is kind of an artistic way to say hope is contagious. But what I think actually happened was the plot needed someone to look for these other people

and realize they just killed all the characters who heard them on the radio. And so they're like, fuck. Oh, we'll just have this guy. overhear it. Yeah. The crazy scene is pretty good because they just, they're hopping around playing in the trash and it's just really aimless like a guy will pick up and examine the same piece of aluminum siding five times. It's just all these guys doing idle background action, but nothing else to look at. So we're just forced to see these guys do like this performance art. I guess it's like if you're playing street fighter and they just took out the street

fighters and you're just watching a guy in the background like pump his arm over and over. Like, that's, that's what they do. And they just linger on these guys doing that for fucking, I don't know, three hours, too long. Okay, that's what, that's a lot of my childhood was doing exactly that. Like drink, drink, vomit, guy? Yeah. And then we see his car. The hero drives in.

And I was like, as a child, I was like, this is the coolest car. It's got a crazy skull on the front, a light up dome. They love light up domes. And that's, I don't know what purpose any of them serve. I thought it meant he was a cop at first. And then I was like, no, that. Some other cars have domes. Brockway, do you recognize this car?

This feels like a car you would drive. Did you recognize the make and model of this car? No, I didn't, but also my eyes are extremely bad today. So most of this was, I mean, some of it's like 1980s low-res blur, and some of it's also my eyes are bad today. It was just kind of a smear of shapes and colors for me, but I loved them. Well, I'm happy to describe it. It's a 1967 Pontiac Firebird with,

a bunch of sweet pipes on the side skull on the front like dirk said the pop-a-matic bubble on the top like dirk also described but it glows green um it's got two rocket turbo boosters on the back um also a rocket in the trunk i think it's everything right and our guy i call them bowling ball haircut but he's kind of a hon solo anil luke skywalker he drives the car that homer simpson designed yes he's driving a muscle homer simpson he just massacres all the mummies he's just like he's not worried about them at all and also i don't receive them again in the movie. Like, this was it. Yeah.

He killed the entire population of crazy. Just like books. So they wanted to do this Mad Max, too, rip off. But they also are still influenced by, like, the spaghetti Western stuff. So there's weird, like, Western flourishes in this post-apocalyptic thing, which I really liked as a kid, including, like, a standoff at the end, which some people say it looks like nothing's happening. But I think he was going for tension there.

Yes, he was. I guess there's something I want to talk about here that there does seem to be unspoken rules and play like when a guy's on foot the guys in the car are no longer allowed to shoot them with car guns and now they have to run them down and hit them with car melee weapons and it's just sort of an unspoken rule they all live by

oftentimes they'll have a guy at gunpoint that they went there to kill and told them they're going to kill and they're like yeah but like you need to like do something first right like I can't just kill you I think of how much effort it was to put all those put the crull blade and the harpoon and shit on the cars and you never really get to use it unless you make space in your life to use it you have to like prioritize that and so that comes out

like all right this guy got out of his car for some reason i'm going to see if the crawlblade works like i just when else i can't use it in the car chase i never use in the car chase but maybe it works the whole movie feels like that like like overleveled characters like doing a dungeon they've done a thousand times They're just like, I'm going to try to get all Crowblade kills this run through. And the fight choreography is a lot like that too where he'll jump and then like, I'm going to hit this guy

with my shoulder. Ah, I didn't do anything. I don't know. What if it was cool? The shoulder build sucks. I'm re-specking. Yeah, I'm re-specking back into Crowleblade. I did like in this scene where he comes across to Survivor before he kills all the junkyard mummies and the survivor is like, what's the point of life? And then after he kills all the mummies,

he's like, do me too. And he like, the hero just kills a guy in a car. Yes, such a bummer. This guy's such a bummer. It's like, who did this? He's like, doesn't really fucking matter, man. Everything sucks. It's like, all right.

Kill these mummies and execute you. And then you do like the, to establish the hardness of your character's life, you do the like long pan out shot where he slowly raises the gun and fires it. Only it makes a laser sound effect. Yep. The last thing that guys hear is, phew. Like, all right. A little of the dignity is out of that scene.

If they added a fart sound, it wouldn't be sillier. No. So the next day, our guy pulls up to a food truck and his firebird, and he's getting menaced by a slingshot sniper, who's like, these things are hitting like bullets. And he gets pinned down. He's watching for movement. It is like a standoff so much better than hurt locker or enemy at the gates. Like, this is the sniper showdown of all cinema. He shoots like an exploding laser into the sniper's position, and it was just like a little kid.

and they were doing this for fun they know each other they just show up and have like lethal sniper showdowns so he shot the kid was up on top of a hill like hiding behind a bush

and he shot the bush and it caused a massive massive explosion and then he just hears like you watch from his point of view you watch the hill but don't see anything

because the action's happening on the other side of the hill you just hear a person rolling down the hill for like five and a half minutes it's just oh wow and the camera

slowly tracks this bird but they're not on film so you can just hear them like eating shit all the way down and then at the very very end a child rolls out the bottom and it's so goddamn funny yes yes it is it's giovanni murders a child this kid and he was in um fulci's uh i think it was house by the cemetery and uh he's like a legendary character because of how poorly they dubbed him in that movie but in this one i was like oh this is when i was a kid i was like this is my character this is i I'm going to be this cool mechanic kid who eventually is just so fine with murder. It's very unnerved. But, yeah, he's a wild card. Weirdly capable child. Yeah. Dubbed by a different person every single scene, or at least doing a different accent. The craziest accent.

It's always a different voice. And it feels like it feels like it's not even, it feels like they're doing goofy voices on purpose too. Like he's got a bit of an Arnold Schwarzenegger the first time. Later, he's going to be like from Brooklyn. Like, they're just goofing. Yeah, he fixes up the car. He finds a human ear in the engine. That's kind of fun.

And then it's just nothing really ever makes sense again in the movie. Like, we're just cutting from shit. Like, kids doing some sweet donuts to show that he fixed the car. We cut to the Templars chasing down a van. We don't know who these people are. There is the scene I was trying to describe earlier where he hits the back of the van with a harpoon, pulls off a little piece of aluminum siding, and then fills the entire van with a flamethrower, which just fucking rules.

A hot lady and leather daddy jump out. And Leather Daddy gets cornered against the, I think this is the first quarry wall kill. He gets cornered and harpooned. But the lady, of course, they net for sex crime purposes. Brock, will you want to try to describe her outfit where your eyes working well enough to make this out? I think she's just got kind of a jazzer size, like a post-apocalyptic jazzer size. Like, they probably still have to have jazzercise in the post-apocalypse. Like, it's not, it's going to smell bad.

But it's still a little sexy. I found this really sexy. like a leotard in goggles, but also stripper boots. So there's just like a little stripe of nudity around her pelvis. And I was like, that's weirdly naughty. When our hero shows up and he shoots the ropes, they're dragging her by the net, by the net, and he shoots the ropes. And they introduces a rival with this insane glitchy cut of like a skull hood ornament, like popping in for like three frames while the music stings. It's so weird. It's such a strange filmmaking choice. I don't know if I've ever seen this anywhere else. They have a car showdown with

the lady standing right in the center, and I think they're going to play a game of chicken, so she gets out of the way. And again, like, nothing quite makes sense. You're like, what are the rules here? Like, they're doing something. They're clearly gentlemen rules, but I don't know what they are. It's the other guy pulls his car into the middle of the colliding cars. Miko's going to raise his cannon, like he's going to shoot. And then Shadow intervenes, and he's like, he tells Miko, don't make a move, or he'll rip you to pieces. And you're like, Wait, why? You're talking about Scorpion?

He's half asleep over there in that car. Like, I bet anyway, that's what happened. Bowling Ball hair cut is named Scorpion. Sorry, for the listeners. Oh, yeah, they all have names. And probably I'm the only person that knows that. Shadow, is Shadow the Nick Offerman? That's Fabio Nick Offerman.

Yeah. On Shadow. Mako is, is he the Gremlin? And human bad gremlin is named one. Yeah. Yeah, that's George Eastman from Anthropomorphus saga. Zogas, Slogas. Anthropamore for more of a Saga, sagas.

Everyone knows that one. Yeah, I'm kidding. He's one of my favorite actors. He was in a bunch of things, like Iron Master and things like that. But he was also in anthropomorphous. I can never say it right. It's fucking crazy that they want us. And this is early enough in the movie that you're like, okay.

So this Scorpion guy that we've just met, he's like an incredible badass. I mean, they haven't set that. up yet. He did kill all those trashmen, but they were trashmen. They were covered in toilet paper and shaking aluminum sighting at him. Like, there were no threat. Yeah. You're like, all right, all right, give him space. They're going to use the rest of the movie to show us how completely badass this guy is, right? Because they tell us up front, right here. God, Miko, I know we just saw you kill a bunch of guys with your fucking sweet Krollblade car. You don't stand a chance. You don't stand a fucking chance against this guy in the muscle Homer. Like, he's going to, he's

going to take you apart. And you're like, all right, I can't wait to see, you know, how dangerous this fellow's going to be. Just keep that in mind. Yeah, it's a very tail don't show filmmaking process. I can't wait for them to show me. They, the bad guys leave and, but they leave the woman. And so Scorpion is like, get in my car. And she's like, okay. And he puts on like the music crystal. He's got like a music cube crystal just for some tunes and they drive off. It's the best. There's a line here you probably noticed where they come back to the bad guys and some guy shows like, you flipped Mako. I would, and then they just left this huge flubbed line in the movie. And then he kind of just gives up. Like, he knows they're going

cut, but then they just keep going. I tried to find out who this actor was. I was like, this has got to be like his nephew or something. Actually, the director is like, I think it's his nephew is Mako. Oh, well, Miko rules. That's just lucky. The only movie he did. So, at least with them so good nepotism yeah i agree uh i wonder how long you kept that haircut after the movie i feel like that if you tried that because it's a braided ponytail big mohawk shark teeth beard i feel like you've found your look he's also got like a like a bit of a george harrison kind of shag going he's got like five haircuts on one head it's great yeah it's pretty good it must take him six hours to get ready in the morning yeah right there's some downsides you can't go out in the

rain. Larger sharks will try to eat you. So it's a lot of weird boring stuff happening and that don't make a lot of sense. Fred Williamson's driving around. We don't know who he is yet. Back in the car, Scorpion tells the lady he's like, you women are getting rare. And then he rips her shirt off. So she has every reason to believe like, oh, God damn, another one of these sex crime guys. But no, he's actually trying to check her shoulder. He just didn't want to say like, hey, let me check out your shoulder. He still doesn't ask for consent. Like even if it's like addressing a wound, which is the excuse. he reaches over and just like rips her shirt off and like starts pawing at the wound and

she's like ow ow ow also don't rape me and he's like I was just here to check the wound like and maybe that's how it wound up yeah anyway she's kind of into it so they hold hands and then it cuts to them at camp sort of implies they had sex but fred williamson is watching them in his headband and writing gloves which definitely implies they had sex if you watch the YouTube version. There's a little bit missing from this scene because they do have sex in the light up sex tent that they have for just this one scene. Yeah. Hell yeah. All right. There's also some side nipple that's cut out of the YouTube version as well. God damn it. That's some bullshit. Why'd you send us the fucking bullshit version? It's the only version online. I don't know. I don't

know. Podcast over. I'm fucking mad at you. We're fighting next time I see you. This changes Fred Williamson's entire arc now that I know he saw that. Oh, yeah, he's not all. There's another scene. It just happens. He just, like, cuts the next day, and the bad guys are throwing a car mine onto Scorpion's door, and he ejects the door at them, so it blows up on them. And I was like, this is a fucking child's idea of like a thing a car could do.

I love it so hard. I want to give them credit, because it could be one of those, like, Batman utility belt kind of thing. Like, oh, you have to have a fucking shark repellent on your body. belt but like they establish a few times prior to this he has this huge joystick with cool buttons on it and all he uses it for several times before in the movie is to open the doors of his car there are buttons on the joystick that open the so this he's got like a mostly door-based build so i will allow that he has a door eject button i absolutely you got hold down the button to shoot the door off you tap it to open it if he fucks it up all the time it's really bad interface

God, there's a car fight. They're shooting cannons at him. Scorpion gets, like, out of his car. He jumps over a laser grenade. He explodes a dude's chest, and then he gets hit by another grenade. So since he doesn't have a gun, now they have to run him over. So everyone stops shooting at him. And he's going to, Naco's going to kill him with a crow blade on his car.

But Fred is on the cliff with a bow. I'm going to try to describe this. The film doesn't explain it any better than I will. The arrow hits the ground and explodes. It kind of doesn't do anything, but it does give Scorpion a chance to jump into a pothole. And then Maco's like, oh, hey, where'd that guy I'm chasing go? And then he crawls out of the pothole hole and onto the car. He kicks off the crowblade silently.

This is a stealth kick. So Maco still doesn't know there's a dude climbing around on his dune buggy, kicking chunks off it. Probleed makes a very sad laser sound as it dies. It's true. No. They do some car wrestling, some car kicking. The car's going in a big circle while he has Maco, like, out the sight, just punching the shit out of him. And he finally fully shoves the guy under his own car.

They just mangled the hell out of a mannequin. What I found very interesting was that the stunt performers, at least, which this is Italy, so there might not be any. Yeah, they're all deceased. The car is, like, is actively driving, and it's driving around in a circle because we'll of them are fighting all over it, like on top of it. And like, this is a kind of a big stunt with a lot of like moving parts that can go wrong. So it's interesting that they didn't choreograph a single second of it, that they just started filming a car moving. We're like, I don't know, just brawl. And so these guys were like, yeah, at one point, at one point, Scorpion crawled up

onto the roof and then rolled and then rolled over on his back. Yeah. And just got punched in the back. And you're like, what was that? What was that move? It's a miracle scorpion. has lived this long because like his whole plan is like I've got this rad car with all these weapons he immediately gets out starts running and then looks shocked that he's just running out in the open and it's like what are you doing and then when Fred Williamson shoots the arrow that it's supposed to I think explode the ground and then he jumps in the hole I think is the story they're trying to tell but they couldn't blow up a hole in the ground did him come close to showing that no the camera's like at a weird angle and scorpion dives and it's very bizarre but but he looks panicked the entire time and

loses his gun like seven times or something like it's hilarious there's like so this is this is what i was saying this is the first scene this is the first action scene we see immediately after they're like are you kidding me you're going to go up against scorpion do you know what he's going to fucking do to you and then the first action scene we see is he pulls his car over in the middle of a car fight gets out and starts running around gets immediately blown up like his plan was nothing he gets immediately blown up he gets up he does shoot a guy and it's a fucking sweet-ass dummy explosion. And then he starts running around again and gets blown up again.

And then he also gets crawled to death. And then he crawls on this guy's car and tries to fight him with his back. Like, this is the most embarrassing thing you could possibly do after somebody's like, that guy's going to fucking take you apart. You're like, I'm going to try it. And then he just rolls around on the ground like a big baby. What is this? I thought you were going to be tough.

It's the best. There's another great mannequin headshot here where Fred Williamson headshots of mannequin with a with a exploding bow. Dummy work is so good. Yeah, so many dummies lost their lives here in the Italian desert. Here in this quarry. Here in this beautiful quarry.

It comes back to this guy you can't act, the one I mentioned earlier. And Scorpion says something completely awesome. He says, take him back to one. If he sent him, this is my answer. If he didn't, this is my warning. And the guy just stares at him. He might not speak English or he might have missed his cue by five minutes.

Both are equally likely, but like, he he just like lets him have this moment and uh and we cut away next we get the uh funeral we get maco's funeral where he's nude but in a cod piece yeah and then there's a there's a great thing in here where it's a it's a tracking shot where it shows all the cars and dudes on one side of this scene and then it pans and then there's a pole it kind of breaks the shot up and then pans finishing the rest of the shot with more cars and guys but it's the same cars and guys from the other side they just cut it and then reset the people on the other side. And they didn't even try to hide it. It's just clearly the same people. I love it so much. And you can't help but notice it. They linger on these shots so long. Yes. This establishes something

very important here. And this is the first time I really realized like this is what they were going for. And like we realized that the Templars, this like this Italian death cult out here. And that's all they do. They want to kill every, they talk about it all the time. They want to kill every person left alive. And that's it. That's their whole goal. I don't have anything else. All of them. Every single one are men. There's no women there. They are all hunks. They're all very attractive Italian men, immaculately groomed, and often nude. As we see here, for his funeral, he has to be stripped nude and laid out on some crystal in front of all of his boys. And you're like, all right, well, now that we've established that, that's a little weird. I wonder what they're going to do with that. Yeah. And strangely enough, that might be the only thing that has any kind of foreshadowing or payoff. But you would never believe this is the thing that was foreshadowing because this is just how it was in the 80s. He were like, oh, he didn't think about how this looks. Like, he put all of this together and he's like, nobody's going to think about how it looks.

I was so surprised. I don't want to spoil it when we get to it, but so surprised that he did think about how that looks. He did. We're like, oh, they just don't know the line between macho and gay. It's like, no, he knew. He's very, super familiar. He lives on that line. Just to reiterate, for people that maybe miss the beginning, nine-year-old me's favorite movie. That's going to raise some questions in a little bit. Yeah, I know. Right now it makes sense, but in a little bit, we're going to have to talk about some things.

Cod Peace Funeral, it makes sense, but later on, we'll see how it pans out. That's what I want, guys. Cod Peace Funeral. You think you get a way without one? Thank you. Thank you for saying that. I want you to drape me in wax paper, light me on fire while you torture my closest friend next to me.

The guy who can't act, I want you to ask him to really put on a performance. God, this is so funny. He's like, no, what? Don't do it, please. Beyond his acting capabilities. I love it. So one vows vengeance on Scorpion, and he's not going to let anybody else kill him. I guess this is kind of a lowering of stakes.

It's like, oh, the bad guys are going to kill Scorpion, but now we find out, like, no, like, have to kill him in a very specific way he'll probably be fine so they go see the survivors yes they're going to have a standoff right uh they they pull up and like these like missionary people in a caravan are like going to kill them and um they don't and then fred williamson goes they believe in something called god and i'm like the fucking world blew up nine years ago like fred williamson forgot who god was after nine years i thought he was going to say books yeah What's a book, brother? They believe in something called reading, power of imagination.

Also, the caravan people are listening to the radio, and they're like, oh, someone's 10 miles away. And they're like, wow, civilization's still here. It's like, I'm finding this very frustrating because there are people fucking everywhere. Like, you're people, you right now. And like one quarry over is a whole bunch of fucking guys. All these quarries are full. There's one that's just full of mannequins, but the rest are people. So there's a sexy Christian lady that comes up.

to meet Fred Williams and the hot black lady I mentioned earlier and she's in like a star bikini and Fred Williamson's immediately like hell yeah but not like oh hey I'm gonna go meet this girl

and seduce her like she is like an out of work sex slave I'm not even kidding here she just like takes Fred Williamson to the immaculate fuck hut and like lays down and prepares for sex I don't think there's ever been a female character so one dimensionally written

to look hot and get fucked it is peak Italian cinema he says like are you ready and she's like hold on I'll get ready and then she just lays down and stares at him. Yeah, you know. He's like, I'm almost ready. And he's like, okay.

It's already like lingerie. Like, you're not going to like need to get undressed. She does kind of dump exposition, but doesn't seem to know what she's talking about. Like she talks like a malfunctioning robot, sort of giving her backstory. And it just cuts away while Fred climbs on top of her. He's like, okay, you're done. You're done explaining your deal. Yeah, you're an out-of-work sex slave.

Well, I can fix that. But yeah, the beautiful silk sheets, there's white carpet on the walls. The whole sequence ends with. Scorpion coming in and being like, hey, I'm going to go kill the bad guys. And Fred's like, well, I'm in the fuck tent. Go away. And then Scorpion like won't leave. Yes.

And so Fred Williams is like, bye, twice. Because Scorpion was clearly, the way he's playing it and the way the looks, the exchange is. And he says like, all right, well, I'll join you later. Bye. And then he stands there, Scorpion stands there looking at like, he's making real hard eye contact with the lady. And then with Fred Williamson, Fred Williamson goes, bye. and then he still doesn't go.

He still just stays there. Like, he is waiting for an invite. Yeah, he's like, when are we doing this? Yeah. I thought we were making an Italian movie. In a way that seems, like, it seems familiar. Like, we've done this before, my dude. What's the big deal?

It's like, not this time. I'm not into it. Yeah, when I was a kid, I thought, oh, he wants Fred Williamson to, like, go with him on this adventure. But the rest of the film, he's always like, get away. Like, he's chewing Fred Williams. in a way. You're right. Their whole dynamic is Fred Williamson's like, how come you never ask me for help? I clearly save your life all the time. And Scorpion's like, shut up, you know, I don't need you. Like, they have that conversation probably four times. It's like, I don't, I don't get it.

I don't get why these Christian missionaries have a perfectly upkept sex tent when a sex slave they don't use. I think that's hurts. I think that's what she, that's like her equipment. If you buy her figure, she comes with fuckhut. But then like, there's a whole, she's supposed to be with the Barter Town set. And you just got them mixed up. You got to mix up with the Christian playset, with your weird Christian friends play set. And now she's all out of place. Nine years later at a garage sale, you find just the fuckhut toy.

And you're like, what did this go to? Well, I know where he-man's going. He-man's going right in the fuck tent. That's not for sale. Let me get that. I wasn't supposed to be in the yard sale. All convoy is coming after Scorpion His plan does not go well Just drive around and wait for the bad guys to kill him They pull up there's a whole bunch of him He opens his trunk and shoots his trunk missile

It kills the El Camino It never had a chance I think this is a practical choice in an apocalypse But it's the first thing everybody shoots So it's the only kill he gets He kills the El Camino The rest of them Basically

Drive him onto this other Road by the quarry Got to get back to that quarry Yeah. They blow up his car. Well, he gets out of the car and they just blow it up. And then it just cuts to him tied up. This is the thing that was foreshadowed. He's not just tied up. There's a ceremonial piece. Much like the fuck hut comes with the one with the one woman character. Yeah. This one comes with one comes complete with ceremonial sex docade. It's made out of like clear crystal or like plastic. And it's got like an elaborate system of pullies that they have clearly used many, many, many, many times before. And it has one function. And that is, he's, Scorpion is tied up hanging by his arms like a normal thing would be. And then the pullies run to the ground and then they come back up and over a bar.

And then, uh, uh, Shadow. Is it Shadow that's Nick Offerman? Yeah, Shadow. Yeah. Uh, okay, Nick Offerman comes up and, uh, and he grabs the bar. And he's ready to do something. You don't know what he's going to do yet because one is behind him and one, one raises the clear ceremonial dagger as though this is going to be a satanic sacrificial right,

because they are a death cult. It's more like a Peabody Award. It's like a... It's definitely a award for like second place architecture or something. Yeah. And then he brings the dagger down in such a way that only explodes the ass of Scorpion's pants off of the clean off. Not a rip. It explodes

the entire ass off. It is such a celebration of Dom energy. They're just letting it build. They're like, oh, we're going to fuck. But in a long time, I got to crank this neck down. We got to blast your pants off with our second place architecture award. Okay, that's when Shadow

starts pulling the bar. He starts doing a curl. He's doing a curl with the bar. And what that curl does is force Scorpion over into the bent over rape position. And that's what this whole thing is for. The whole, like, ritual is,

uh, is for, it's for gay forced sex. And, uh, and they do. You're like, oh, who's going to save him, right? Nader's going to come in. And he's like, no, uh, we're going to cut to like a Duran Duran video to like a Kajuku video. Uh, but in a way

that it's very clear this is a Kajagoo video about future rape. Yes. It is, it, they penetrate him to the, to the The custom electronic apocalypse rape soundtrack. I would complain a lot about the editing of this movie, but it is, there are so many thousands of cuts taking place here. They spent all of their post-production time on this one-minute rape scene that is baffling.

I think it's great. It shows you nothing. Right. But you know exactly what's happening, but you can also kind of dance to it. You're right. You can't say that about a lot of rapes. So you can just imagine me as a kid and someone being like, you know, you can also. Did you see, like, you know, when Hulk Hogan bounced back in that match where they got hit in the face and he shook his head and he said, no.

Then he conquered the obstacles. And I'm like, that's easy to come back from. You should see what Scorpion went through. Yeah, what is. You're right. This is an Italian Hogan. Did nine-year-old Dirk understand the Kachigoo video about future rape? I didn't quite get it.

I think the first watches. I did, I was confused because I thought they were going to stab him. And then when his ass was exposed, I was like, that's crazy. So I thought that they were just humiliating him. I just didn't know to the degree that then when I was, you know, a little older, I was like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe that this is in this movie that I've been telling people to watch. See, that's, I think that's intentional. They wanted this to be, in theory, a child-friendly anal rape scene. Well, and I should say, like, the reason I call it Warriors of the Wasteland and not New Barbarians.

It's because when it was released here, obviously, they changed the name, but the box we had, if you look up the artwork for it, it was like this puffy case, VHS, and it has like the heroes standing and they have this cool pose and a little kid with the slingshot. So I was like, this is a kid's movie. And so I was watching it. And then now, in hindsight, I'm like, oh, my gosh, there's some stuff in here that is not for children at all. And part of it involves our hero. And when you watch the Bluray with the commentary like nobody else has ever done, uh, Enzo. is talking about how they did this, but it was very tasteful. It's very, very tastefully done.

I don't know if I disagree with that. Like, I feel like... Yeah, I agree. Yeah, because it cuts away. The tone of it is a Duran Duran video. Like, it's not like they... Sometimes you see a scene like this in a movie and you're like, ugh, this is really sadistic and they're lingering on this.

Like, what's wrong with the filmmaker that they wanted to make this? Whereas this is kind of like, he just wanted to stick to the script. He's like, well, the script calls for it, but it doesn't say anything about not turning it into a Kajuku video. The only thing that really sells it and told me, like, as a child, that something bad was happening is it's the only time that Scorpion really emotes in the film is once he's, like, bent over, and one thrusts behind him and it starts cutting to strobe lights and stuff, but it shows his face and his eyes are bulging, and I was like, oh, God. It's the only time he's happy. They also, it gets interrupted. It's like this ritual thing, but somebody, like, drives up, they're like, hey, boss, stop the sexual assault.

We found like a caravan miles away. it's been there for weeks. We've seen him a million times. Like, anyway, no need to rush. Sex crime over, guys, but like, let's go. The movie, it was already, like, on thin ice, but it is just fucking broken at this point. They leave three dupuses there to kill him. And this is weird because they've had several scenes talking about how important it is to kill him in exactly the right way.

And then that got interrupted. And they're like, all right, fine. Just kill him off camera later, you three dupuses. I just wanted to have sex with him for like 40 seconds or so. however he dies now is not important. I guess that's how it is sometimes. Sometimes you just kind of like bang one out to realize you're not meant for each other.

And I think that's what happened here. This whole time there's like an implied history between them. Every time his second in command, every time somebody talks to one, the bad gremlin, about, about Scorpion. He's like, no, you leave him alone or I forgave him. Or like we, like they were together at one point, whether that was, you know, as partners or,

or as partners is left up to debate. But there's clearly like this whole history that's built into them the whole time. And so like you're wondering where this is going to go. And I think that culminates in this actual assault scene where one is like, oh, okay, but I guess I'm not that into you? Like I really thought I was for a long time. What's really interesting too is like you kind of get the idea

that, okay, maybe all of the Templars are gay. but our hero, Scorpion, was a Templar. He was in their, so he knows what, like, what, what? They say, okay, they say, I think a little later. I think it's either we skipped over it or it happens a little later. They do imply that was the initiation, that whole rape machine. Oh, wow. I do curls and it facilitates rape.

was the initiation to get into the Templars and then later on I think Fred Williamson is the one that calls them all queer so like everybody else knew this the movie like has been playing coy with it the whole time I thought that was just strange writing but you're right like that was just some homophobic shit he's actually this is this is an all gay death cult but he was in it and he was in it he was a member so weird and he tried to leave and they didn't like it That's probably why he left, because he is not a gay man. He immediately had sex with that lady after. Yeah.

We're going to talk about that. Okay. Oh. Oh, no. Now right now. We'll get through the rest of the movie. Okay. We'll keep moving.

The three dupuses are dragging him behind a dune buggy. Fred Williamson shows up, kills them all with exploding arrows. Yes. It's fucking awesome. More mannequins get their heads popped off. I can't look at my computer right now, but, like, if anybody can look up how to say the valley of the quarry of exploded mannequins in Italian. I bet it's

beautiful. Kabaddy Manacini Esplosi. God, that's fucking hot. I love it. You were right. That's fucking beautiful. They take him back to the kid to fix Scorpon's car, which exploded. Like, it's not something you take to the mechanic. And Fred is, he can't, like, move.

He's, like, been so beat up. But Fred is, like, spritzing him with Activator. He's, like, got his chest open. He's just got his sprits in him. And I guess this was meant to be, like, future medicine or something. it is pretty clearly a hair product. They talk twice more about how, like, I don't need your help. And Fred's like, dude, you are literally dying. If I wasn't spritzing you with this, you would be dead.

The caravan gets massacred off screen because Fred was busy, complaining. So now we have, not all of them get killed. So they pull up a bunch of these Christians up against the wall that get executed. Scorpion is, they decided to do a training montage here. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. It really is. remembered to the start of this movie where they're like,

are you going to go up against Scorpion? He's going to fucking take you apart. He's this craziest dude in the entire wasteland. Now, at the end of the movie, he has to do a training montage. Because all you've watched him do is get blown up everywhere he goes. Fred calls him a coward, which is a... I'm like, he's a fucking freelance laser madman.

He's not a coward. He can't fight for shit, but like... It's braver that he knows. He can't fight for shit. And he's still being a freelance laser man. man. He's just slow to pull his gun out of the hoster, and Fred's just yelling at him. Yeah. Do it faster. Do it faster. It's so crazy. He screams try harder at one point, which I thought was really funny.

I just was going to mention how the kid, like, tells Fred Williamson to start throwing grenades at him. He like, pulls this window closed. He's like, check this out. This window's grenade proof. And Fred's like, all right, I'll throw his grenades at the fucking kid. And that's just, they just fade out on it, implying that they just did that all day. No, no, no. Something else important. Okay. He also deploys a drill. A very long steel drill And and this like plastic that resists all explosives And he's like ha ha ha ha this is what I have for you

It's awesome That's those are going to be a scorpion secret weapons are the armor The transparent armor and the giant drill Yes and then we see one who is just hanging out in a super cool Dome room just listening to spoken word poetry Why aren't books okay if spoken word poetry is okay? He's so mad at books But like, then he goes over and then listens to a fucking podcast or whatever. Like, come on, man.

He's listening to this poem and Shadow comes in and he's like, get out of here. I need to listen to this poem some more. And he starts it over and it's just like, why? Skip my favorite part of the poem. He goes up to the Christians they have lined up against the wall and he starts lecturing them that all hope is dead. And then his other big moment is ruined. Somebody pulls up and like, hey, dude, there's some, the bad guy's coming.

And he screams, it's against the rules to interrupt me. We were like, no, we just... We get some rules! You were like balls deep in your mortal enemy, and they interrupted you. People just interrupt you whenever they want. It's really funny to say something's against the rules to your gay post-apocalyptic death cult. Does nobody respect the rules? Now it's like a child's idea of a fight scene, because it's just all the bad guys are in one section,

and they just keep getting killed by Fred Williamson and the boy with the slingshot. And they just, they all die confused. They have no idea what's going on. Scorpion makes super cool entry. in the smoke. Oh, my God. This is it. This is the spaghetti western standoff.

Because he's even got the poncho. He's covered in the Clint Eastwood poncho, and they're going to do the duel, which I found funny because they start off and they're like, they're staring one and Scorpion are staring at each other across like this burning battlefield. And then one kind of quick draws his pistol at Scorpion and then looks at him for a moment and then puts it back. And so they're going to do, they're going to do the Gunslinger duel. No, you just did and he lost.

You did. You won. Yeah. Scorpion lost that one. He's like, okay, that one didn't count. Start over. Again, I do not know the fucking rules of engagement in this wasteland. Yeah, sometimes I get it. Sometimes it feels like everything's broken. But anyway, Scorpion creeps behind some stuff, which to me feels like a rule violation. He gets shot in the cloak, and it reveals that he is wearing transparent, sexy, plexiglass armor. That's what he did. When the boy, the boy came out and he had a perfectly flat, I want to be clear, a flat plane of this explosive-proof plastic. And you're like, oh, okay, that's going in the car. That's going to, because this is a car movie. I'm like, this is a, you know, car fighting movie in the post-apocalypse.

So that's going to be all of his windows. And no, what Scorpion did is like, can you reforge that into glamorous, sculpted, extremely bulbous armor so that I can wear it and be completely an nude underneath it so that they can see my flesh through the armor all the time. and I don't have to wear these damn clothes anymore. Can you do that for me? Very small child. I love that it's not a sandwich board,

which would make more sense to cover your legs as well. It's just these like bulbous round spheres over his torso. It's, it just makes me so happy. It looks like Heidi Klum on Halloween. It's specifically, it's supposed to mirror the Templar armor. It's the same shape.

He's got the huge shoulder pads and the weird bulbous tits and like the like sort of lobster, are like abdomen pieces. But this is like, oh, I glorious see-through Templar armor. This is the problem with your armor is that it's, you never know if you're nude or not underneath it. You want people to know. I wonder if one saw that and was like,

damn it, wait, yes. Yes. You're back in. Sorry about the misunderstanding earlier. He gets distracted from the duel because Fabio Herr, Nick Offerman, says, you're just trying to be cool, but you suck, Scorpion. I can't remember what he says. pretty much basically and then he's like i'm going to kill these hostages if you don't throw it on your gun and give up and then he does he kills three hostages and it just didn't work he just

he's creeping up he's like all right i better creep up there real slowly while he's executing all these hostages uh and then scorpion just shoots his face off there's no other way to describe it he just walks off walks up shoots his face off through some trash that's it that's their showdown thinking the whole time thank god there those hostages there to distract him let me line up for that shot never would have got that shot if not and meanwhile also like fred and the kid are just like casually massacring people like fred no look grenade kills a guy that's stalking him yeah they just they have no chance they're doing fucking stunts the kid and like up to this point the kid like they had the little sniper battle but you're like he's he's like training

because they at the end of that sniper battle that they had at the start he was like well i'm never gonna be like you scorpion but one day i'll be tough and then he comes to this like final scene and he kills like 80 men with a slingshot and you're just like that's way more than scorpion ever did in this entire movie absolutely just stunting on him there's a part where he kills someone that was gonna shoot fred williamson and fred like looks at the kid and they like exchange glances like that wasn't cool and i was like wait why does fred have beef with all these people or they have problems with him i don't understand okay so now like the bad guy leaves and so scorpion chases him And now it's like this souped-up rocket Pontiac Firebird versus just a garbage dune buggy.

So you're like, okay, well, this should be easy. You're kind of not going to believe this when I describe it. But our hero just kind of drives up behind the bad guy and it's much faster car and drills through him. Kind of in a mirroring of the earlier scene. Hold on. Kind of? No, he activates the drill that the boy gave him, which is his new super weapon. and it drills in through the back of the car

all the way forward to where one is sitting in his little co-cart seat and it specifically shows you that where it's going in through the seat is the ass part and then they even show you one's face as he makes what can only be a, oh no, now I'm the one being drilled in the ass face

as he dies. Okay, you're right, I said kind of because I don't think the filmmaker caught the connection. I absolutely. I think it was a pure coincidence that he killed this man in this way. They introduced the weapon. This is the only thing that weapon is ever done.

It exists for one reason, and it is to drill a man in the ass who likes to drill other men in the ass. Agreed. So my question is, did Scorpion tell Baby Mechanic to make that because Baby Mechanic knew what happened to Scorpion? Because that's even more problematic. No, they were both surprised. So I think, I think the little boy was just like.

you need a big dick weapon like you're not doing great out in the wasteland I thought you were super cool because of my sniper battles but then like I heard about how you just roll around and get exploded all day out there

maybe the big dick weapon will give you some confidence my point is it was too poetic for such an artless filmmaker that's the I don't think anything in this is artless it was really

it was intentional unfortunately okay it's against my. It's fine. I'll admit I could be wrong here. I'm just going with what Enzo said. That's right. You watch the comment. You know his intent. Yeah. So he said, yeah, in this scene, I really wanted to do the reverse rape with the super drill from the little boy. I say, well, I say it all out loud like that. I sounded crazy. Okay. The only thing I want to say before you finish about the movie is that it does end with the mechanic child holding Scorpion's hand like he's his

child and i find that so disturbing well okay it ends he goes back to he's killed his he's killed one he goes back to the christians and and the woman there is telling him like you have to believe in something you have to hope you have to come with us and he's like okay i've got my my kickass armor now i've killed one we're all going to go find this signal and he you know he gets together with the woman that he's been dancing around the whole movie and then the the little boy comes up and holds his hand and they look off towards like the future. And Scorpion gets this, maybe it's just because he can't act, but he gets this really confused look on his face. Like, I don't know what the fuck we're doing. And then the movie ends. Yeah. I know why he did this because right before that,

the beautiful idiot sex slave comes up. And they, the bad guys missed her when they were taking all the hostages. They like missed the beautiful idiot sex slave and the sparkly rainbow romper. And so she's like, hi, I'm still alive. Want to go have sex with me, Fred Williamson? And so Fred Williamson leaves to have sex with her. And then the little boy comes up and Scorpion's like, wait, how did I get such a crappy? I get this fucking little, wait, no. I was supposed to get Fred Williamson at the end.

It was supposed to be me and the romper. That's how it ends. I think this movie was very intentional about its messaging. And I think to me it came through very clear, at least by the end. And that's, we see, it takes place in a world where there are essentially two main sex that we're concerned with. all the rest are kind of thrown by the wayside. But there's this Christian sect. They still believe in God.

They're the only other. There's like way more of them than there are any other people out there. And then there's the gay death cult. They only believe in death. They like frequently, when asked why like Scorpion is not a member of them anymore, he says like, I believe in life, I choose life, I want to survive, I want to live. And they only believe in death. And like that's the difference between us over and over again.

And I think that's like a very Catholic way of looking. at gays in the 80s, and they're a death cult. They don't even want children. Like, they're just having sex for fun. They're not breeding. They're not procreating. It's a jack chick-tracked. Yeah, it's very much like this, this Catholic, like, view of the two sides. And here's the side that chooses life.

Here's the side that chooses death. And they're gay, gay sex is death and all that. And he used to be. Then we understand Scorpion used to be with them. He used to be a gay man in the terms of the metaphor. And he left, and that's what's infuriating to them. as he left and he chose life and eventually

he understands that to choose life is to choose God and Christ and Catholicism and all of that and he's got this relationship with Fred Williamson the whole time and they're like you just have to ask for my help why do you keep rejecting me

and he's got that weird moment with them in bed where he's like are you going to invite me into it Fred Williamson is like by and they're like exploring this relationship as he's going through it the whole time and then he goes and he gets captured and he gets sexually assaulted by one and he realizes like that's his moment of gay acceptance

because then he puts on all nude transparent body armor that makes him invincible now that he's accepted who he is. It's fabulous. It's the armor, it's an all nude. You know what? I'm convinced this is not an artless movie at all. I just missed the message because I'm such an ass-crushing straight guy. I'm not done.

He's got the all-nude body armor of gay acceptance now. And he's like, I know who I am. I'm still going to go drill one in the ass until he dies because that was still rape. And like, I understood who I was because of it, but that doesn't make it okay, obviously. Right. And then he. Of course. But then at the end, he goes back and he talks to the women one more time.

And they're like, no, no, you have to choose life. You have to come with us. And so that's what his look is at the end as he's staring off and going like, but I, I'm wearing the armor of all nude gay acceptance. Like, I just went through this whole arc to, like, become okay with who I am, this whole movie. Like, I started off. Okay, man, I did not eat. I came back. And now, like, I'm here.

I'm fucking fabulous. I'm cut. Look at me. And they're like, no, no, you're Christian. We're going to go. We're going to go ahead. Here, here's a child. And he's like, fucking, what?

What do I do? And that's because that's what this movie's saying. This movie is saying, conversion therapy doesn't work. 1.900, Frankfurt. Our podcast can't. And with maximal in show. Talk Frankfurt podcast? Correct.

Yeah. The craft is nitratis, not only. Shick thee in the hundersaw. The hour of an hour of a stunder. Come on. You kid's the number. 1,900. 1,900, Frankfurt.

1,900, Frankfurt. 1, 9, no, yeah. 1,900, Frankfurt. Einstein-Hu-D frankfurt! Once no, you know, you're new-you-lou-yes. Yeah, 9,000! Please welcome once again 1-900 hot dogs, very own in-house comic,

the overly specific insult comedian who makes things too real. It's Mr. Jimmy Juggles. Hey, thank you! Thank you. It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh! What's a matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, I know. I'm working on that.

Hey, I see Adrian Hissbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this, it's Alpha Scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy, and I watched him kill a white rhino. So he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime. Oh, oh! Hey, it's a very serious crime. Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters. And your elderly self is going to curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying something. Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brock Way famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here.

She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe. That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you.

I only say true stuff about you. Like, uh, like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling Common Sense's mother Mrs. Had a Positive Influence on Common Sense's body dysmorphia. Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us.

All right? I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man, racked by consumption? Like, that's, I'm happy being big. and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl.

I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys got to stop trusting me with your secrets. Oh. Sorry, I hiccoughed while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't happen again.

Delta, Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers

the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh, back to normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope,

Oh! Oh, alright, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm alright too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christian Berg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh! I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jello. I got Gell-ho. I got Gell-ho. I got Gell-ho. I got Gell-ho. I got Gell-oh. I got Gell- Good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this, it's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college. Oh, that one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kid said to me.

All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pengweenie. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack. I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here.

He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff O'Raskey. John McCam.

And I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man. Everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next to you. She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life, because she don't know, she's worth 10 of you, because she's too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry, there was again. That's, uh, that's weird.

I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got, I got, I got Joseph Searle's here. I got Josh S. I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M, your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here.

Okay, okay, we got Kamutsas, we got KVH, we got Lane Heygood, we got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. Amjahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd, mercenary Sissadman, Michael Lair, a Mojou, you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things, they just, they just haunt you.

Uh, Mort, I got Mort here, I got Mr. Bob Gray, I got N.D. ND stand for non-descript. Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey, Neil Bailey liked that O, right? Right, Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff, am I right? Ha ha, ha, I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer, I got Neku 104, I got Nick Levino, I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Ornry Weevil. I got Ozzie Olin. I got Patrick

Hurst. I got Pee Wee's uncle. I got rebrandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red wine time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do. Red Wine Time. Hey Ria. I got Russell Bauman. I got Sam Copnik. I got Sarkovsky. Look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Champ fan. Now, this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little moulon and he's like, ooh, that's me. That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, Spotty reception. A super knot, Tater's Tales, Thomas Cavatzos,

Oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man? You take one look at him and you just know. You just know. This guy, this guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas. I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G., Velo, Victor Malavankan, Booster.

Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now, Booster, I see you. I got you. I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying.

Some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Rybalt. That's you. That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava.

I'm looking at John Dean here. I and I just know. This guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies, and he don't know. Are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all? But that don't matter to John Dean because every time he sees them boys mincing and Pranton, he thinks, that's me.

That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes and he becomes an insult comment because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern day man equivalent is of that. But it just doesn't fulfill, you know? It doesn't, it's not enough for John Dean. He thinks he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here. You know, telling it like it is. And everybody, everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that, that, that way. It's what you were. That's you. That's what that's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh