The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 255, Mutant Chronicals with Tom Reimann

Episode Date: November 26, 2025

Mutant Chronicles is K-Mart Warhammer 40k. A grimdark TTRPG featuring shoulder pads, attainable middle class living, huge sexy broads, shoulder pads, skulls, blood, tables, tables, tables, and shoulder pads! And it was Tom Reimann's awakening to a world of cursed media. It's why he always wears those shoulder pads. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert will go to jail if you don't buy his book. I know what you're thinking... This is NOT the time to be a wise guy. BUY HIS BOOK. https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1,900, hot dog 1,900, hot dog Out podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on, you know the number

1,900 1,900 Hot Dog 1190,000, Welcome Hot Dog Welcome to 1,900 Hot Dog America's

100 Hot Dog I'm Robert Brockway I'm Robert Brockway a strong silent type of near legendary lethality but perhaps ironically I'm also afflicted with a rare character disorder. A strong sense of right and wrong. And with me as my co-host, strikingly beautiful, lean and agile with beautiful eyes that match his long, deep brown hair, his supple agility

and economy of movement recalls the lethal demeanor of a jungle predator. It's, of course, Sean, baby. What, I rolled pretty good on those character traits. Hell yeah. What else could I have been describing but you? Uh, and our guest today, no. No other podcast guest has racked up more confirmed kills against so many important targets. The legends say that he has never failed, at least not while he's working by himself. And in this case, the legends are correct. It's Tom Reimann. I didn't realize I was going to be admitting to so many felonies today.

But, yeah, if that's what you need to call heroism these days, then sure. They'll never prove any of them because you were working alone. That's true. Well, you never fail. Legends say he likes to be alone. A lot of legends about lonely Tom Ryman over here. Far too many. Thank you.

Thank you for joining us today. Oh, no, thank you. I was really excited to do it. When you guys started this series, I was like, I hope they're going to ask me. Of course we're going to ask. So I'm really glad to be asked, so thank you. Yeah, and we're going to talk about your cursed media origin story, but first, where can people find more from you, Tom? Well, I co-run a podcast and streaming network with my buddy David Bell.

We all used to work at Crack Together. It's Gamefully Unemployed. You can find that at Patreon.com slash Gamefully Unemployed. But we also have loads of free shows as well, shows as well that you can find wherever you listen to your podcasts. So please check that out. Fantastic plug, Sean. You know you should go to 1,900 hotdog.com, the very last comedy website. Support us at Patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. I, of course, am legally obligated to promote my new book. I will kill your imaginary friend for $200.

It comes out January 27th, 2026. I'm being told to say you can pre-order it from bookshop.org and use the code Robert 15 for 15% off and an exclusive bonus short story. I don't know why I'm the promo code. I don't know. That strikes me as crazy. I guess because they can't put it

It's like kill friend It's a genuine laugh out loud When I was listening That's so weird It's a weird one At least like if you're gonna do the author's thing Do like the last name I guess Would be less weird

You don't do Stephen for Stephen King Why use your grinder username Because I've been banned 14 times I was there from the start I was the very first robbery. And just buy the book, man. And you work alone so nobody can prove that you weren't.

It's a long story. The short version is I'm going to fucking jail if I don't sell enough copies of this book. And you know what I don't like to do alone? Write a tandem bike and go to prison. That's right. I'm taking everyone with me. I have all the passwords for this site. I have compramat on everyone you love.

And I'm going to take it all down. It's going down in flames. unless you buy my book and save 1,900 Hot Dog, this podcast, everything you love, save it all from me. Thank you. Use promo code Sean Baby 3, uncut. And you do not get 15% off. You get the whole thing.

Oh, three of it. You keep saying Comforma. Now I get why you got so upset when I unplugged my camera. Yeah, man. This is like, this is about my... Hey, Tom stopped recording. What do you mean? And like, I have it set up so that it records even if you don't tell it to.

But when you unplug it, that thwarts me. It's like putting tape over the camera. It's like a grandma putting tape over the camera. All the hackers on the other side just going, damn it, she got us. You remember when that was like the major obstacle in that one Chiamelon movie was that there was tape over the camera on the laptop? Did you guys see that one? Which one was that? The visit.

I don't think I've seen that. one. Oh, okay. It's actually not bad, but I did point out one of the funny. I introduced you to it by pointing out one of the funnier things it does. So I may have ruined it. I don't know. I've been introduced to a lot of Shkel Malon movies by people saying it's actually not bad. And they were liars. They were filthy fucking liars. I like some of his early stuff and the happening is the best time I've ever had in a theater all alone on opening day, on premiere day. The only people in the theater. We were just allowed to heckle the movie the whole time. It was great. Not enough people call out sad John Leguizamo dying. The lawnmower gets a lot of the credit.

Johnny Legs, though. Not enough for Johnny Legs being sad. The lawnmower got a golden globe for that. And Johnny Legs got more sad. They got to him in the crowd. So sad he got run over by a second lawnmower. The lawnmower ran over him on its way up to the stage to get to the award. Everybody clapped for the lawnmower. All right, today we're obviously talking about Tom's origin story. The first piece of media he remembers that taught him pop culture is made by real people who are often completely broken maniacs. And Tom, when I gave you that prompt, you brought us? I brought Mutant Chronicles.

What fuck is that? It's this weird 90s gaming franchise that is best described as kind of dime store, Warhammer 40K. That's such a generous description. That's the vibe it gave me. in waves, really just pours off of it. I don't know the dime stores would stock this. I don't know. I look at that was too generous.

Yes. I almost said Kmart, but I didn't want to disparage Kmart. Yeah, I'm not a big Warhammer guy, but this did seem like had the same bummer tone of it, like a universe board of heavy metal and loneliness. Uh-huh. Kind of like Warhammer, but just with like no talent behind it. And when I say this impression I get, I mean, like, instantly, the second I saw one of their books and then, like, it never changed.

Yes, if anything, it did convince me the more I dove deeply into this, that I was more right than I could have possibly been. Yeah. It just, like, as you get into, like, the in-depth lore of the world, you're like, so it's all just, like, lonely sadness all the way down. Right. Oh, this is going to be a lot of fun. It is, it's like if Rob Lefeld saw Warhammer and said, oh, I can do better than this. This afternoon. And then halfway through it was like, man, this is like, this is way beyond me.

I think I'm going to do it for the first time in my life. I think I'm going to shelve a project, me, Rob Leifeld. This is cool sad for me. He never gives up on a project. Rob Leifeld never quits. It's the only time he's ever given up was on mute chronicles. Now, I got into this, this hit me before Warhammer. I had no idea what Warhammer was.

That's amazing. I love that. That's my favorite thing. when you get hit with like the weird rip-off that doesn't make any sense unless you know the original thing and you're just like, man, I love this.

And then you learn about the original thing and you're like, that took a lot away from it. This is more about how young I was. But when Transformers came out, you know, obviously the real deal, transformers were pretty expensive. So we had more Go-Bots than we did Transformers, I think.

But I really remember their bumblebee rip-off whatever the hell that guy's name was. We had him, but I thought he was bumblebee. So, like, there was genuine confusion for me between GoBots and Transformers. And like I said, it's more to do with how young I was, but also that very, very aptly describes most of my interactions with media growing up. Following the metaphor, Warhammer 40K would be Transformers.

And something else would be GoBots and Mutant Chronicles would be like the transforming fries you got from McDonald's. Yes. Yeah. That seems fair. The little Looney Tunes superhero toys. Yeah, no, I saw this. just randomly they did gosh I don't even know where to begin

so I spotted this as a board game in Toys R Us one year where my dad just set us loose in the storm just like just write down shit that's like you're interested in that was how he saw Christmas that year oh I see yeah yeah yeah just

you know go write down stuff that like you're you want so this and Hero Quest wound up on the list too I believe I actually like HeroQuest when I was a dope game Yeah. And that one has also been resurrected recently, I guess probably much more successfully. This sort of weird, stupid game in Toys R Us is what got me into this wider universe.

And then I realized there was a role-playing game. And this sort of hit me, this is like 92, 93. So this hit me right at the same time as Dungeons and Dragons did. But I actually got into this before Dungeons and Dragons. I don't even remember how I got to Dungeons and Dragons. but like I remember this like Mutant Chronicles this board game was sort of my gateway into gaming and hobby stores and like my dad was a big time war gaming nerd and he still paints models to this day so I he just sort of like kind of threw me in the deep end a little bit by

like my brother and I kind of showed an interest in this and like hero quest and then he's like oh, here's like some role-playing books that are perhaps too advanced for you. So your dad gave you this terrible Warhammer knockoff while himself being capable of being aware of, okay. He must have been aware of Warhammer because he just paints models and he's a wargaming guy. So he must have been aware of Warhammer. But anyhow, they use a lot of the same artists in this property. but like Mutant Chronicles is like the Swedish Maniacs ripoff version of Warhammer 40K where I think the story was that they were trying to they were sort of hired this

this game company Heartbreaker or Target games was was hired to to try and develop a 40K role-playing game and ultimately it didn't go so they just developed into a spin-off of their mutant franchise which people might actually be familiar with that there's a game that's kind of popular right now called Mutant Year Zero. It's like a little squad-based RPG where part of your party is like an anthropomorphic duck and a pig. Okay, I've seen that. That is technically in the Mutant Chronicles universe.

Oh. That makes sense to me because I played that game as I'm a huge sucker for just anything X-com related. And I played that game when I was like, yeah, but not this. I don't like this one, though. I don't like this one. That's like 90% of X-com-related things. I feel like everyone played X-com in the early 90s.

is like, this is the most magical game experience of my entire life. And then society tried to recreate it for 30 years and just kept failing. And adding ducks did not solve it. They should have added ducks to the original one. They tried. We're talking about that right now. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I will just keep talking

in any direction. So I want to know, all right, what appealed to you initially? Did you grab the box and like read about it and be like, the rich universe this paints is something I want to get involved in, or was it just like... There was something, I liked the cyberpunk stuff. I was really into Terminator. I was into both Terminator and Terminator 2,

but I kind of secretly liked the Terminator more. There was just something about the crimey cyberpunkness of it that I really dug, and then also aliens. It's very aliens, and that was kind of important to me as an eight-year-old. You might just be a Michael Bean guy. Maybe I am just into Michael Bean. There's a guy on the cover of the initial board game, which is called Siege of the Citadel that looks not unlike Michael Bean.

There it is. If your dad had gotten you, Michael Bean, the board game. I'm being in a board game. But, yeah, I think it was just, like, it was this kind of creepy weirdness. And, like, the aliens comics, too, were sort of, I was kind of dipping my toes into around the same time. And they're also kind of like this cyberpunk weirdness that was definitely a little bit too old for me.

But, I don't know, it just kind of appealed to me as something that was, like, kind of darker, gnarlier version of the more, you know, kid-friendly stuff that I had been messing around with up to that point, you know, like X-Men. When was the point when you realized, okay, but this is totally fucked? Or has that point occurred yet? Yes and no. It is, I'm so excited to hear people with like no, no connection to this whatsoever describe it. It's very funny. It's like hearing yourself described for the first time. Like if you've never seen a reflective surface. It was when we opened the game. Like the moment you saw this, you're like, oh, this is fucked. The very first board game, yeah. The first product in this franchise that

I got, we opened it on Christmas and it had like the wrong pieces in it. They gave us like multiple duplicates of certain pieces and not like the right guys. We had like we had to like wrap tape around some of the figures and write which figure was supposed to be who because they just gave us a bunch of the wrong stuff and like some of the rules were missing and like misprinted and it just like it just it all together it just kind of all hugged together a little janky I was too young to realize it that like that deeply I just knew that it was fucked that it didn't have the right pieces in it's I would say that's metaphor for the entire board system yes they made this card game based on it called Doom Trooper.

Yes. And I'm kind of a game systems nerd in that I like to like find the little exploits as quick as possible and that type of thing. I find a lot of satisfaction in that. And right off the bat, I clocked this game as like a poorly constructed system because like there's no timing rules, I don't think. And so a card will just say stuff like, yeah, take a fucking turn. And it won't say like after the guy you're playing against does his thing.

It's just like it's plainly obvious that when you play. this game, it's going to start so many arguments with your friends. It's just whoever comes down to saying something fastest or screaming the loudest is going to be the best Doom Trooper player in the room. It's Doom Trooper is like, it was a trading card game in the mid-90s for the listeners. It was like immensely popular in Europe. It had like a bunch of expansions and I think only a couple of them actually made it to the States. And some of them, Like the expansion called like Inquisition or Warzone, if you have like a sealed box of those, like the American or English language version, it's actually a couple hundred dollars. It's genuinely hard to find. But this game like really blew up in Europe and especially in like Poland. And it's also like like Marvel versus Capcom too. It's notoriously broken. It's like really in my opinion and in the opinion of a lot of people. Poland it's a very fun game but it's it is savagely broken like you can just get on like one

touch kills or um just crazy crazy crazy overpowered cards that you can make them unkillable the same turn you play them it's just they recently did a digital version of it that's tried to correct that but oh okay that's good yeah i just feel like a good game designer would would catch that some time in the process and say should a player be able to just win if he gets kind lucky. The trading card games were kind of the Wild West still. They were still trying to figure out which rules worked and like how, like there were so many different rule types. I think they also like underestimated capitalism. Like I think they're like, oh, they're just going to buy one pack of cards. It's not like they're going to spend $10,000 to get every card. That's

silly. That'd be ridiculous. They're 10. I do have a review. Uh, and something that Tom sent alone of the card game. Oh, yeah. Art is rehashed from the RPG, although people under familiar with Heartbreaker hobbies will not notice this. Additional, I would have liked to seen different art for soldiers with the same name as there is no unique attributes associated with these cards. There are not enough cards printed yet, and not many people are playing it. Many different plans for Doom Troopers and Incarnets for the cohorts make this a complex world and difficult to make a deck immediately from the cards.

Promotion points are required to win, and very difficult to come by in a 60-card 25-point game, When you were out of cards, the game is over. Games can be lengthy. Text is not always important to play, but the font is always the same. That's the only pro? Perfect. Perfect review of a Mutant Chronicles product. He does also say airships are powerful.

I think that's maybe a positive... That's nothing. I would say the one positive thing he had is that font is always the same. That is really good. It's always quite legible. I've got a deck of them right. here. I looked at some of the comics, and I thought, like, whoa, this, I thought it was Glenn Fabry Art, who he did the preacher covers. A lot of people know his work. It is not. It is by a guy named

David Fabri, which is very close, like suspiciously closed, like someone was trying to trick me the consumer. I took down some sweetcoats from the comic. It said, well, Jake Kramer, time to kiss your ass goodbye just don't make it a long sloppy one sloppy wet one sorry i don't want to misquote uh and then Mitch hunter saves him with a rocket launcher and he says Mitch hunter a corporate special forces badass for capital right now he's the sweetest thing i've seen since this morning's first glass of beer so i'm like okay these guys are fucking rad right and then later yeah they're sneaking into a building so a guard calls Henrik wolf who's getting grapes fed to him by two babes in a hotel and then one of them says don't answer it wolfie the net is

so young and then the other one says and so are we and i'm like oh hell yeah and then he says be quiet this is important wolf here speak and then there's a panel of a woman lighting her cigarette holder but not one of the two we've seen just a third babe somewhere and then he he says to the phone two intruders climbing the building incredible i'm sorry ladies but something more amusing has come up. Please entertain yourselves. I'll rejoin you shortly. And so then he puts on his armor and pretends to be a statue

so he can punch Jake Kramer in the face. And then he runs away, and Jake Kramer runs away because his gun can't hurt armor. And then he opens a door and there's a guy at a desk sitting by a red swamp thing. And the gut is pointed right at the door. And he goes, good evening, Mr. Kramer. And goodbye.

And then Kramer thinks, a Raseed. Now I really am dead to be continued. Okay, okay. I know I'm telling you a lot, but this is a really good story. story. So you're like, how is Jake Kramer going to get out of this one? So I picked up the next issue. And what he does, he leaves and he runs the other direction and that the guy at the desk goes, ah, kill him, kill him. And then he thinks, what did I ever do to deserve this? I mean, what have I done lately? I'm not a bad man, really, comparatively speaking. Okay, so I've caused a few

hundred deaths in my time. So it's not a very good comment. I'm concerned about the future of Jake Kramer. So I looked him up. The second word in his bio is corpulent, and he has a two in mental power. So he's a fat, dumb murderer, and they hung the franchise on him. The comic franchise is all about Jake Kramer. Anyway, I just don't think you should hang. A fat, dumb murder is a bad thing to hang your franchise on.

And I'm speaking to you, American Republican Party. Hit that air horn! That can't be right. No, but airships are powerful. Airships are powerful. I'm concerned for Jake Kramer, though, because, yeah, a Razide is a high-level creature. That's pretty formidable. He could be in serious trouble fighting that beast alone.

I figured, because for him to say a Razide and not like, oh, this is like Captain Redface or something. I'm like, okay, this is straight up just a thing from the game they pulled. It's just a monster, yeah. Might as well have had TM next to its name. Oh, no. An Umbur Hulk. You took a lot more from that comic book than I did. All I really remember, I read all four issues, is that it's extremely horny for huge ripped women, which, you know, just fine.

It was a weird choice that the one they were horniest for was the villain Galgotha, who was a 10-foot-tall, orc-faced woman with huge tits, visible nipples, always splay-legged, and she wears a very skimpy bikini bottom made out of severed human heads. It's pretty revealing to the author's interests, I think, I guess is what you'd say. That's really all I really got out of that one. They really tell on themselves. That seems like it's of note. This may really surprise you guys, and it may really change how you view the game and the people responsible for it. But there are a lot of protruding nipples in the source books. Oh.

Yeah, I saw that. I saw basically every woman. Essentially, yes. All the time. Every female character. And if they're wearing armor, the armor has nipples. Yeah. That's nice of them to like, so that it's not uncomfortable when your nipples protrude,

there's a little slot. It just never stop being horny. That's the key to 90s media. Definitely 90s grim, dark, cyberpunk stuff. Because that was the other thing about the board game that I forgot is the one little woman character that you can play as definitely has protruding nipples. Her little miniature does. I just think if you show this to a woman and say, hey, what do you think of this game?

You want to play this with this? And she would say, uh, that's a really horny game, you guys. You know what I mean? I guess like a women's see 70 nipples. She's like, oh, okay, you guys had a boner when you made this. I'm the first girl you've met. I'm in a lot of danger. It's like no girls allowed is written in invisible ink.

Right. Yeah, she would see the woman with a skimpy bikini bottom made out of severed human heads and she'd be like, okay, I understand what this is. is going. And then her friends would say, marry him. But the lady on the front of the board game, the siege of the Citadel box, looks like Diane Lane from Judge Dred. So that was really important to 8-year-old Tom. And that's empowering. I noticed they did cut all the horniness from the S&ES game adaptation. They did. All the horniness is gone. Didn't make it through to that one. Okay, that's also called Doom Troopers. That game, that looks like it kicks ass. That's like the one thing I found

and through all of this where I was just like fucking fuck yeah man it does kind of whip ass it's really it's kind of janky and difficult it's like an action platformer you can play with it's it's one or two players and you just storm through like a bunch of

planets through space blast in the dark legion monsters and it's really bloody you make it sound like it has no story I actually wrote down the story here it says uh deem no ghanes the dark apostle of disease has found a home on Venus you will go in and hand him

an eviction notice hell yeah that's just the first level dude there's so much more yeah you gotta you gotta get past the waterfall of death to deem nouganus's throne of bones where the boss fight is he's this weird little frog man standing on a pile of bones and he's just vomiting on you and the room gradually fills with his vomit

so you have to destroy him before you drown ticking vomit clock that whips ass yeah mm-hmm I loved so much. It basically, it just looks like an ultra-violent contra or metal slug kind of thing. Yeah, it's 100% what it is. With really, really lovingly rendered gore. And I love this so much because it looked like just in the, I just watched, I didn't

play it, I just watched the video, but it looked to me like shooting a guy anywhere on his body will cause his head to pop right off. Yeah, I appreciated that. But, but shooting him in the head will cause his body to explode. Yeah. Perfect. It's great. You had little special weapons, like a flame throw in a rocket launcher, just blast these dudes apart. It was rad. It looks pretty red. I couldn't believe that a Super Nintendo game came out. Like, that was the thing with Button Chronicles was like, I knew it was janky. I'd gotten into it with Siege of the Citadel. My brother and I got the role-playing game, and I tried to play it. But if you happened to read the first edition rulebook that I sent you guys in the supplemental material, much like that stupid fucking. RIFS thing you guys were talking about

it takes like a hundred pages to get to like the actual here's how you play the game yeah so I didn't I thought I was reading it wrong like I didn't understand why I couldn't figure out how to play the game I'm like I've been reading this book for hours dad this is not a game

what is it it's not a story is this it's just talking about accounting in hell world I don't understand why we're doing it you gotta skip the nipples if you're trying to get through it all in one day. You've got to skip past the... Yeah, you really got to just, you know, speed read.

That brings up a point. If this seems chaotic, that's because Tom sent us everything Mutant Chronicles has ever done. That's right. I'm sorry, that was the thread that I was on is every little, as janky as I knew that it was, it just like, little things kept coming out. Like, they'd be like, here's a

Super Nintendo game. I was like, well, I guess it's not that janky. It's like, here's a card game. I'm like, well, I guess it is legitimate. Also, three novels in a movie. Amazing. I followed that movie They announced it in like 1993 And when I tell you that I was following the updates on that And the James Cameron Spider-Man movie

As religiously as I possibly could without the internet That's what I was doing Like any update on either of those movies Was like water in the desert Mutant Chronicles actually came out So that's one that they've got on Jim Cameron And it stars Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman, and John Malkovich, which is way bigger than you would have assumed from this property. Yeah.

I still haven't seen it. I did not find a copy in time. Oh, man, you guys should have watched it. I do have the, I think it's the IMDB plot synopsis. In the 28th century, four rival corporations are in a constant state of war for control of the earth. During one such battle, an ancient machine is uncovered and reactivated. and starts churning out undead mutants. Fuck, yeah.

Sure. Why not? Gary Oldman read that, and he's like, I'm in. Move everything around. That's what John Malkovich looks for. Yeah, Malchukh is really into it. While the corporations make plans to abandon the Earth, a strike force led by Major Mitch Hunter,

we'll get more about Mitch Hunter soon, and clergyman brother Samuel embark on a mission to destroy the machine before mutants overrun the planet. Just, that's such a problem. perfect plot synopsis that also belongs on that super nintendo game like that's not a movie synopsis that's the like little scroll that they have when you before you put a quarter in you're just like yeah that's all i need to know it's about all the movie is too um yeah i guess that's that's kind of what appeals to me still about mutant chronicles like as i've gotten older um obviously i'm now

aware of like warhammer and all of that stuff and um like warhammer's pretty cool like i'm I've gotten more interested in it as I'm older, and they're sort of not taking themselves terribly seriously, I guess. Like, it's, anyway, the Gonzo stuff is funny to me. But this one really leans more into, like, the cyberpunk stuff, like the Blade Runner stuff. It's much more about the idea of mega corporations being the new nation states, and those are the corporations that went out into the solar system. and like capital is the American corporation

and it claimed Mars and the European one claimed Venus and it's it I that stuff about like dealing with you know the the um cyberpunk future with with monsters dancing around and it is sort of what always appealed to me about it over something like it's not really the big armor and vehicles and warfare and shit it's like this the grungy kind of evil cybal cyberpunk world that appealed to me about it and that's kind of still what holds my interest with it as as janky as it is so anyway i like cyberpunk shit a lot too uh i've never seen it done quite like this oh this is this is trash

don't get me wrong i like my trash though that they understand because like this as far as i can tell this is like mostly a 90s thing, right? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. So that cyberpunk had been really firmly established by then. Like, you had a lot to draw from. You had, like, all of the mainstays of cyberpunk were already, like, they were already there. Nineties were like, it's heyday.

So, like, for you to seemingly not understand what that is and how that works is, is kind of crazy at that point. It's incredible. It's just wild to me how big, everything I read about this, I'm like, okay, this is just like clearly this is done by one maniac somewhere toiling like riffs was but then they get they finally get this movie made and it was a direct to video movie movie movie it sounds terrible of course but you get this movie made and it's fucking tom jane and ron perlman and john malcovitch is your movie like it's kind of a real movie the original plan for this uh in the mid 90s fucking john carpenter was attached to

direct yeah that would have been awesome yeah we would have heard of it probably Like, you know, DeLauranty's was attached at one point. So I was going to, I was like, oh, man, he's going to be like an army of darkness vibe, you know. When I finally did see the movie, it's, it's bad. It's very bad. Yeah, I have some reviews here, if you'd like to hear a few. Please, yeah, yeah. It's almost nothing to do with the game, too, which is very fun.

It's got a 17% on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, it's generous. So, one says, makes one long for the comparison. straightforward incompetence of you bowl. Wow. Ouch. Another says the reason most movies don't include alien zombies, weird mysticism, and a lot of sword fighting is that each of those elements takes time to explore and nurture

into something compelling. That's such a disappointing professor. Yeah, seriously. Thanks for the lesson. It's such a great, you get back on like a 101 writing paper and it's just like, oh man. That's like, that's like a guy. that bullied somebody out of never creative writing again. Now, I did find this review says,

it's photogenic people killing mutants before green screens. What more could you ask? Apparently a lot because the score they gave it was two and a half stars. It really could have been like a dog soldiers. Because it sort of has a doomsday vibe, which is a Neil Marshall film, and it indeed has Sean Pertwey in it. But it just, it's, it really suffered from that mid-aughts.

Everything kind of looking really dark and gray. Everything kind of looking like the spirit or like Max Payne, Max Payne. Oh, yeah, yeah. Max Payne was real. That kind of look that like those action movies sort of had for a period in that time. Yeah, this should have been made in the 80s. Like a machine, there's a machine that makes mutants. That's an 80s movie.

Yeah. That's a beloved 80s movie. That's an Olivia Gruner movie, though. Not like one we'd know, but something you'd see in the video store and be like, oh, yeah, that looks terrible but awesome. Yeah, to have hand-painted box art. Sweet, yeah, yeah. It would be kick ass.

You're like forbidden planet. If it seemed like we're jumping all over the place, it is because Tom sent us everything this company has ever done. And it's a lot. It is really a lot. I really didn't have a way to focus it other than that. It's just this weird, janky, sci-fi, cyberpunk franchise from the 90s. That's just an obvious Warhammer knockoff. And as Robert was

pointing out about how it gets cyberpunk completely wrong, it was also my introduction into cyberpunk. Nice. Like, this thing has poisoned the well for so many areas of, uh, of pop culture. I'd encourage everyone to look at the cover for the Algaroth source book. It has like a zombie wizard. Oh, hell yeah. And he's torturing a screaming prisoner, but everyone is looking right. at the camera. So like the prisoner is kind of turned away from him on his knees to like scream at me, the viewer. And I just, I think it's a very funny picture, not because the torture obviously, but just like the decisions the artist made. That artist is Paul Bonner, uh, who does believe it or not, Warhammer art. I buy that. But no, he's a big time like fantasy gaming artist.

Yeah, it's very competently painted. It's just very funny that he's looking right at me like I'm supposed to help him. Oh, I see. That's. That's a prisoner being tortured. I'm not coming at you. How dare you? Oh, you thought it was a sex thing. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

I could see that. I'm saying, like, Paul Bonner is like the one, like, significant noteworthy artist that they managed to get. And they got him one time in the 90s. And I was to piggyback off of what Robert had pointed out in the Doom Trooper review where, like, it reuses a lot of art from the RPG. They have reused every scrap of art that Paul Bonner did for them as many times. as many times as they possibly can across every reboot of this franchise, every board game spin-off that they try to do,

like the box art for the Super Nintendo game is just like an ugly smash-up of like five different Paul Bonner paintings. It's the one dude that they, it's like the Herb Abrams promotion when he got Andre the Giant for like one show and then that was it like it's like we got Paul Bonner for this one for for six months in 1992 and by God we're going to ride this for the next 30 years anyway that's a painting of the nephrite Valpergius tormenting Max Steiner

from Bauhaus it's a very serious event and how dare you make fun of it I love that that's a real thing one of the worlds is called Bauhaus yeah so good called it Bowhouse. The robot corporation is called Cybertronic. We've got to get the Goths interested. Let's name one of the planets

and Bauhaus. Let's call it sculpture club. I looked in there on how to make a character. I wanted to make a heretic. And I really appreciated the tables of madness. Like there's a heretic special events and one of them was powerful, enemy. And all that is, when you roll that one, it's just a maniac wants to destroy you and just

being haunted by this person who hates you. But on that same table, you can get evening classes or karate classes. And I thought that was great. Another one was stigmata. So I guess the Christian God is in this world. And then another one was just repulsive. It just says to the player, under any circumstances, you should be repulsive. Okay. This is what we're doing for the bonus podcast. is we are rolling ourselves a heretic. Please. Sweet. Yeah, let's do it.

Speaking of, I made characters for you guys. All right. Let's hear them. Let me hear it. Okay. I went all the way through y'all's life history. So I'll start with Robert. Robert, your character's name is Robert Sean Leonard.

You are a capital. You're a capital little guy. Your parents were capital citizens. You grew up in the dough pits. You grew up in the dough pits. That's on Mars. Like baking bread? Uh-huh.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Exiled to the dough pits. Everyone's Italian stereotype. It's a real, it's terrible, it's terrible. It's like this, it's like this war-torn front where they have to, like, build, like, fences around all these, these citadels that these monsters build. So you grew up on, like, Monsterberg, unlike the border of Monsterburg.

Uh-huh. In Mars. Building breadstick to fences. Yeah, making pizza. Making pizza for monsters. Yeah. Making a fine up beat. You actually, you actually got technical on-the-job training.

you were repairing the monster's electricity. Oh, okay. That actually turned out to be pretty good for you because you were a repairman for six years after that, which is pretty good. And then during that time, you got yourself a wealthy and generous lover. Oh. Fantastic. That's all I've ever.

But it inflicted the vulnerable lover trait upon you, which means that you have a tempestuously wealthy, tempestuous but wealthy lover. So at any moment, you could say the wrong thing and that your sugar daddy or sugar mom I was just going to leave you hang in. And then it's right back, right back up to the dope. It's where this boy. I like how revealing that is that that's a part of the game. The psychological makeup of the author of this source book that he's like.

This is the third edition. This is the most recent edition. Incredible to think that human relationships work like this. This is what I love about this game. And what I say when they seem like they got every part of cyberpunk wrong is like when it came time to delve into the world so much of their character building and like all of their lore and like how this is what you're going to play this is what you're going to do is like okay you were a repairman for six years okay and your your girlfriend does not like you like i

have to roll for that it's like you say one wrong thing and it's over yeah you can fuck up at any time and this all comes crashing down i'm from the fucking dope hit so i can't do an italian accent like this sucks it gets a little worse after your six years as a repairman you're unemployed for two years unfortunately

did I collect unemployment well I think you tried to collect unemployment but unfortunately you suffered a shooting accident while you were unemployed so now you have the old war wound trait

in your right arm it's so sad it's sadness it's a deep abiding sadness all the way down you've got bad knee but don't worry you during this time

all the stuff that you learned, you were able to parlay that into talents as an ace pilot with sharp senses. Oh, that's a, that's a swing. Yeah, yeah. You got a modest wardrobe of respectable clothing, a small apartment in the city. It is wild that any of this could be relevant to any gameplay. Like, it should have crossed their mind while writing this down, like, oh, if anyone's fucking role-playing their outfit for the day in our world, we fucked up. It occurred to me several times, and it only made me more excited to write it all down. So the next thing that happens to you, Rob, it's now you're a celebrity for capital.

Oh, hell, yes. What is this world? Inspirational story. You're like an ace pilot, I don't know. Yeah, from the dough pits, man. From the dopeits, I was thinking, oh, okay, this is some fucking despair. These guys are like living on apocalypse. And it's like, no, no, no, they have celebrities and ace pilots.

Yeah. Do I at least upgrade my modest wardrobe now that I'm like. Now you've got fashionable clothing. You have two assets. That's my girlfriend finally proud of me? Where do I roll to make my girlfriend proud of me? You're still vulnerable. You're still, you still have a vulnerable lover.

She's the one that shot you. I think that accident was her fucking having enough of your bullshit. You tried to give her a gun and she knew it was a gift that was really for yourself. You also have a lavish apartment now. Oh, nice. There we go. Come a long way from the dope hits, baby. Consequently, you now have the trait big-headed.

I'm big-headed? You're big-headed now. You got a big head. Oh. You forgot where you came from. You forgot about the dough pits. I forgot about the dough pits. I go back to the dough pits and I'm like, no dough today, boys.

This guy's eating quality meats. Imagine the role-playing circumstances where that would come up. Like you're in a bar and you're like trying to get a quest. And one guy's like, you seem like you're a poser, man. You don't remember where you came from. And you're like, you check your character sheet. Like, oh, shit, they're right. I forgot I was Robert Sean Leonard from the dough pits.

I'm sorry, I forgot to mention this up front, but you did have a terrible childhood accident, so you are disabled. Oh, the whole time I've been disabled. Okay. You suffer a penalty to movement, but you have a bonus to mental strength because you have a strong will as a result of being disabled. Yes, it's really inspiring. You have a physique of 12, which is the top level. Oh, that's not bad. That's pretty strange for someone of the childhood disability. I'm not sure how it happens.

You're actually like a magnificent physical specimen. I was going to say that if you get a war wound in your childhood disability, I think that should even it out. Like when you get kicked by a donkey twice. That's right. I don't think I'm making sense. I blame the game. Your signature skills, Robert, you're an ace pilot.

You're an ace survivalist and you're an ace athletics. So you're like a really nimble gymnast who can, you're like bare grillists who can fly the shit out of a plane or a spaceship because we're in the future. but in a wheelchair But in a wheelchair Because of your polio And with a real fickle girlfriend A fickle rich girlfriend

You are also rich And famous And you think you're so fucking cool And that's you Let me see You have You have a shiny capital belt buckle I gotta love it

You have an office in the city Did you roll something and get belt buckle No yeah genuinely belt buckle Yeah that was something that he got Yeah I think that comes that comes with being from the dough pits I get a

you get a belt buckle a lot of souvenir shops down there you also have a B and E kid I don't know you earned that you weren't that

B and E kid when you hear when you like go through the process and you get your character you're supposed to be excited to like see the adventures that guy goes on

where it's like you don't want to see what this guy does that's a guy I don't follow on TikTok like ah this guy keeps showing up in my algorithm.

Belt buckle guy. You're 29 years old, by the way. All he's talking about his shiny capital belt buckle. I guess he's selling those? I don't know. His girlfriend sucks. Okay. So, Sean, okay, here's your character.

Your character is Sean Robert Leonard. Oh, we're brothers. You're a criminal. Oh, okay. You're a criminal. He's the one I was a B&E kit. Honestly. Your family is.

White Star. That means your family is the Russian Corporation who is still on Earth. Still on Earth. Still on poison dead Earth. And they got some controversial views about minorities. They probably do. If you guys played the game Metro, it's the game Metro.

You are working lower class. Okay. But don't worry. You were saved by the teenage draft. Saved. Saved. I think some propagandists might have written this source book. So from the teenage draft, you went into the military for three years.

Bought a Dodge Challenger. That part comes with the Dodge Challenger, right? You grew up on a Luna monitoring station. I'm sorry. You should have mentioned that. So you're very moon acquainted. Something your family did haunts you. Yeah, there's that family.

I knew it. I knew they had some opinions about the minorities back on Earth. Yeah, so you have the trait infamous. Oh. The way the book describes this trait is, guards know you by name. Oh, shit. But don't worry, while you were in the draft

in training for your military career, you were remembered in a relative's will. Okay. But I need to spend the night in a haunted house to get it? I think you need to spend the night and a billion dollars in 30 days. And that also comes with a Dodge Challenger.

We've got two Dodge Challengers now. Hell yes. God, they should totally make a Brewster's Millions role-playing system. That would be pretty rad. It's kind of where you're going. I feel like that's a lot more interesting than this, by far, absolutely. Well, you haven't heard the part where you're an experimental subject.

Did I get a cool, like, mutant trait? You're an experimental subject for the military, yeah. So you got an additional talent. I made you like a close combat, like a ninja. Okay. You were experimented on and made into a shadow, basically. You can melt into the shadows. That's actually pretty cool.

Teenage. experiment racist ninja? Sounds like most ninjas. But unfortunately, you get space sickness as a result. Okay. So you have to get regular injections of space. From the military. Oh, okay.

Of space drugs? Because you're allergic to space. Right. I think you'll just permanently turn into a shadow. It's not clear. Okay. Here's the cool part. Here's the cool part.

You found evidence of espionage between White Star and Mishima. And either will grant you one favor for it. Okay. Just one thing. favor? Do I choose that now, or did you already choose that during the creation process? I didn't choose that. That's for you to choose. That's for you to choose when you take Sean Robert Leonard on an adventure. John, can I suggest a favor? Yeah. Third Dodge Challenger. Does it count as two favors if there's a couple of babes in that third Dodge Challenger? Try to keep them out of it,

my friend. Newton Chronicles, visible nipple babes. It's Golgothus in the car. I want brawless gulgoth. That's my favor. White Star, I caught some spies. Here's what I want in exchange for their information. Give me the six-armed Tiddy Monster. Brawlis gulgoth, just for one night. Part of my demands will be sung to you.

Give me that brawless gulgoth. Just for one night. Officially submitted, Sean Robert, Leonard. As you were embarking on, your career as a doom trooper, you were able to segue your military career into a doom trooper. So not doing bad, not doing too bad for a criminal, for a criminal who was drafted from the moon. Sometimes turns into a shadow.

Yeah, a moon criminal. He's no TikTok doughboy, though. That's true. But I tell you what did happen is you were one of the only survivors of a shipwrecked, a shipwreck, and you were stranded for one year. Okay. You got yellow-jacketed. All right.

So I have a Wilson that I need to, I need to snuggle for 40. minutes every day. Your traits are you're infamous, you're an experimental subject, and you get space sickness. I had to have had space sickness while I was stranded for a year, right? Yeah, man, that must have been horrible for you. Yeah. I don't know, that's all stuff you can work into the rich tapestry of your character. How many moderately priced outfits do I have? This is a really incomplete character. You have several sets of military dog tags. Okay. Just that's all you need. Very specifically. It's all I wear. Several sets of military dog tags. I wear them on my, my neck, arms like the ultimate warrior

and cock You have a lot of costumes actually You have basic well-worn clothing You have a pair of light military shoulder pads You have a pair of regular military shoulder pads Oh You have a pair of military fatigues Sean you get any suit of armor you want

As a doom trooper As a representative of the cartel Of humanity's fight against the Dark Legion Any suit of armor you want You know what I'm gonna say I feel like I have two sets of shoulder pads. I want to be a shoulder specialist. I know Brockway wants me to get the Dodge Challenger armor.

Hell yeah. I do want, what I want them to do is saw that in half and put each of them on my shoulders. I think they can do that. Yeah, that could be your armor. That's my request. We'll go ahead and say that's a soak of two. A soak. I'm sorry, like as in the Mormon usage?

I'm just going to lay under my Dodge Challenger. And if it moves around, you insert a nephorite's blade and just let it soak in your body. Oh. Oh, yeah, that's what the Mormons believe, word for word. No, it's what this weird perverts game calls armor. It calls it soak. It always sounded sexual to me. Yeah.

You also have a small suburban apartment in the quiet part of town. It's fucking crazy that this universe has a quiet part of town. Like, what's the point of the... aliens and lasers, if, like, you could just go to the suburbs and be a repairment. You're in a suburban apartment in the quiet part of the moon. The quiet part of the moon. The suburb of the moon. It's my favorite jazz album.

And they're like, they're very like Ernest Klein about Luna City. They're like, do you guys remember Blade Runner? It's a city from Blade Runner. Yeah. So it's like, I feel like there's, A, no suburban part of town and B, no quiet part of town. The suburb of Blade Runner. You're going to live on a cul-de-sac outside of Blade Runner Town. You're like the chubby guys in Wally.

My character sucks. You're very strong. You have a 10-inch strength. It's not Robert's 12 physique. You have a 10 physique. Okay. On a moon that's pretty good. So you're pretty strong.

The low gravity of the moon, that's a fucking... You're more of a ranged guy. Your signature skills for ranged weapons, heavy weapons, and close combat. So you're just a... Oh, man. I'm lethal. You're a weapon. Any distance.

Whereas I... Have a nice sweater. You're an ace pilot. I roll to invite Brockway over to my nice, quiet suburban home in his nice sweater, and we will, I don't know, we'll watch the game, watch the moon game. Carefully as a vulnerable lover. I roll to watch the moon game. This is what I'm saying.

This is like, you're supposed to be excited to get, to see where that guy's story goes. But there's almost, I'm worried people are thinking maybe you're cherry picking, which you can do. You can cherry pick the most ridiculous or boring. whatever. I read every single thing on these character sheets. Yes. Except the actual numbers of like your attributes. I didn't read like out each of your. I should do that actually. So everybody knows what the different attributes are in the game. And did you make these by like picking things or did you just are these totally random roles? They start they everybody starts at five for each attribute.

Okay. And then it's just a series of random roles that takes you through your life. You have like points you can spend to sort of manipulate in either direction. But I didn't. really do that because I just wanted to see how, you know, wanted to throw you guys to the fates. Oh, no, my question is like when all these backstory things, like my quiet suburban home, is that something you rolled? Yes. Oh, yes. Every shred of this is something I rolled. Oh, that's fucking crazy. No, this was my own words. This is how you make a character. And like, it's this way for everything. I, I, in the, in the first edition source book, they gave right up front, very, very prominently upfront as though to attempt to the players like,

Look at what you could do. They gave two different options for a guy named Michael McBride. Did you guys see that one? No. And so these are their characters that like, these are the pre-built characters. And like, these are two options to illustrate to you, the player, like the wildly different lives that you can lead and the adventures you can go on. So you can be freelancer Michael McBride. And then this is a little bit from freelancer Michael McBride's point of view talking about like his character.

He goes, someone said I represent the average guy among the freelancers, which doesn't feel very comforting. Right now, I'm working on the Frisetti case. One day, Axelthorpe of the ISC dropped a note in a mail slot, briefing me about what's going on in my old neighborhood. He also gave me Martin and Bentoni two dishonorables and told us to nose around. And what the heck, you got to pay bills. We would get enough dough to make it through the next few months and maybe even a bonus. For this mission, I used the Bauhaus shoulder pads. light and flexible. Capital fatigue pants and a pair of M-13 boulders. The end of freelancer Michael McBride.

That's the kind of guy you can be. I'm glad you read that because the gun is called a bolter in Mutant Chronicles. And I'm sure any Warhammer fan or anybody who's even a familiar with the game Bolt Gun knows that it's a fucking bolt gun in Warhammer. So it's just right there. It's a bolter. I like that they called out his shoulder pads, his special shoulder pads that he can use. and also he's just he's an average guy and he's going to do this for a paycheck is one way okay but the other way you could be sergeant michael mcbride my name i'm michael mcbride friends call me mike uh i'm 29 i live in a decent two-room condo in central luna i have no family at least not that i know of and right now i'm making my living out of odd jobs in the security business, mainly for the ISC.

My name tag says Michael McBride, but people in my work call me Mike McBride. They don't usually call me at all. A while ago, I made the headlines and appeared a couple of times on the news, but nowadays, I'm hardly recognized on the streets anymore, which is just as well. You get the picture. I was in the newspaper once. That's my RPG backstory. But people don't remember that anymore.

You get the picture. That's me at the peak of my career. Pretty cool guy, huh? He looks like he sucks, too. Like, even in 1993, looking at that picture of Michael McBride, it's like, oh, I don't, I don't want to be him. No, you don't want to be that guy? And he says about the picture, in my picture, as though it's a dating profile, I wear a heavy assault combat armor mark three with Venusian camo, a Mark 43 intruder assault rifle, plus an aggressor. and, of course, the blood beret.

He is not, or wait, no, he's the top guy. He is wearing the blood beret. You see the stripes on my right shoulder. They're my sergeant stripes. You get it. Another one of their spin-off board games was called Blood Burrays, and it was a small squad-based tactical sort of dungeon-crawl game for two players. And that was another introduction to the world of broken media for me,

because that one, the rules are flatly broken. And that was the first time I'd ever encountered that, where it's just the game does not function. Like, that's how broken the rules are. That was the first time ever encountered that. It's like, oh, you can just buy a game that just doesn't fucking work. They didn't do a good job. It wasn't done.

Incredible. What a world. This is what it looks like when you don't abandon a project, Rob Lefeld. 1.900, Frankfurt. Our podcast, Knauts! And with maximal in show! Say Frankfurt podcast?

Correct. Yeah. The craft is nitratis not a urn't, shriek thee in the hundasaw the year of an hour a stunder. Come on,

you can't the number. 1,900. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1,9, new, yeah. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1, 900. Thank you, Frankfurt.

I'm still no, you know, you're new, yeah, 9,000. Please welcome once again 1,900 hot dogs, very own in-house comic, the overly specific insult comedian who makes things too real. It's Mr. Jimmy Juggles. Hey, thank you, thank you. It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here.

Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54. Just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh! What's a matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, I know. I'm working on that.

Hey, I see Adrian Hisbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this, it's Alpha Scientist, Java. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy, and I watched him kill a white rhino. So he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime. Oh, oh! It's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters. And your elderly self is gonna curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying something. Brian Saylor, I see you there, Brock Way famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love.

Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe. That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about you.

Like, uh, like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling Common Sense's mother, Mrs. Had a Positive Influence on Common Sense's body dysmorphia. Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us. All right?

I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man, racked by consumption? Like, that's, I'm happy being big. and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello. I love this guy.

Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys got to stop trusting me with your secrets. Oh. Sorry, I hiccoped while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't happen again. Delta, Fox Trot,

Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it,

it's all anybody talks about. Oh, back to normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope, Oh! Oh, alright, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christian Berg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh! I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jello. I got Jello. I got Good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this, it's Greg Cunningham.

Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college. Oh, that one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pinguini. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk.

Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack. I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do.

Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff O'Raskey, John McCam, and I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man. Everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next to you. She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life

because she don't know, she's worth 10 of you because she's too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry there was again. That's weird. I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got, I got Joseph Searle's here. I got Josh S.

I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M. Your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal.

I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay. Okay, we got Kamutsas. We got KVH. We got Lane Haygood. We got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all.

Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. Amjahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Barroy, mercenary, Sissadman, Michael Lair, a Mojou. You carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things, they just, they just haunt you. Uh, Mort, I got Mort here, I got Mr. Bob Gray, I got N.D.

ND stand for non-descript. Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey, Neil Bailey liked that, oh, right? Right? Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff. Am I right? Ha ha, I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer, I got Neku 104. I got Nick Levino. I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it, obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression.

That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Ornry Weevil. I got Ozzy Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Pee Wee's uncle. I got rebrandrew. I got Red Wine Time.

Red wine time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. I know that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria, I got Russell Bowman, I got Sam Copnick, I got Sarkovsky.

Look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Jam fan. Space Jam fan. Now, this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little Moulon, and he's like, oh, that's me. That's the way I wish I was.

Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, Spotty reception. A super knot. Tater's Tales, Thomas Cavatzos, oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man, you take one look at him and you just know, you just know. This guy, this guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas, I got your tittering ass.

Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat now, Booster, I see you, I got you, I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying. Some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Rybalt. That's you. That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Wayland Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here. I and I just know. This guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies, and he don't know. He don't know. He don't. Don't know, are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kinda all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all?

But that don't matter to John Dean because every time he sees them boys mincein and prancing, he thinks that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes and he becomes an insult comment because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern day man equivalent is of that. But it's just unfulfilled, you know? It doesn't, it's not enough for John Dean. He thinks, he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here.

You know, telling it like it is, and everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way, does it, John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is, being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that, that way. It's what you were. That's you. That's what that's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh