The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 258, Best Doggs of 2025

Episode Date: December 24, 2025

We take a look back at 2025, revisiting the lofty highs and actionable lows! A year jam packed with cursed movies, games, books and origin stories. People died. Seanbaby ate a kid. Half our guests wound up with lock jaw. But in the end, we found that comedy was truly the family we learned along the way. Also, Robert wrote a book. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert will go to jail if you don't buy his book. I know what you're thinking... This is NOT the time to be a wise guy. BUY HIS BOOK. https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriendd

1,900 Hot Dog 1,900 Hot Dog! Podcast Recap, 2025! Welcome to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog, the world's last comedy website. I'm Robert Brockway, and my co-host, Sean Baby, and I are taking some time off for the holidays to, well, just to reflect on what matters to us the most, which, uh, which I think is that picture. of Stephen Seagall eating a carrot, like it's his opponent in a fighting tournament? You know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, please immediately Google Stephen Seagall eating carrot for your holiday gift that we got you.

Actually, that's the gift we got everybody. Just do that, even if you know what I'm talking about, it never gets old. In place of a new episode this week, please enjoy our year-end roundup of the best of the dog zone. Happy holidays, and we'll see you in a couple weeks. please do be prepared to talk about the carrot. There will absolutely be a carrot quiz. Did you read the articles I wrote on a man called Eddie Fuitouinette? I've read a few of the Eddie Fuchinette's articles.

He's canonically a part of like the pressure point death masters, like your George Dillman's and the whatnot. He is, but not in an official way. He thinks he is, but I guess that's what George Dillman thinks too. So for listeners who don't keep up with all the articles on the site, which again are very good and you should, he wrote a book about prehistoric birds in modern times. He wrote a book that was started. That's how I discovered him.

I was like, what a fucking crazy book. And then I opened it. I'm like, a maniac wrote this. I'm going to Google who this is. And I found out he also wrote a book about homemade CGI military zombie comic creatures. Then Brockway and I together did a teamworking article about his, incredible martial arts manual. We'll get to that. Other things he does, he's a rabbit farmer. He's a semi-ameter singer. He was too incompetent to be a justice of the piece in Texas,

so he's not that anymore. He's an aspiring roadside attraction owner. He's a badgemaker, and that's kind of what it sounds like. He makes a lot of circular text badges, no follow-up questions. He's a sub-English word-paced author, a zero out of ten graphic designer, a rapper, and most importantly, he's a Frank Dukes, which means he made up a story about how he defeated all of the streets in the 1970s and created his own style of martial arts based very not loosely off of this comic book style of pressure point attacks that you'd get in 60s comic books. It's close to Muriel Waza, which is the name of his style. Oh.

It's called Muriel Waza, the way of unlimited techniques, a guarded exclusive and confidential course. So if you're listening to this podcast, you narcs, tell no one of this. These Muriel Waza moves are secret and maybe protect. by moves, even more secret. The big shamrock, the big cactus, and his DJ name, because Shaq is a DJ, is diesel. That's the only one I knew. I didn't know about the shamrock or the cactus. Just goes to show you really don't have to be creative to come up with nicknames for a big guy.

It's the big, whatever. He's a Buick. The only big difference on the bag is that there's a warning on this one that says, careful, sour level may cause irritation to the mouth. Do other sour products have that warning? as I've never seen that before. I don't know, but I don't recall, like, wanting to heat it as much as I did with this. Like, I must blow through it.

It does make me, like, cautious. But I'm like, oh, shit, hold on. Like, maybe it's the volume of that, like, if I'm going to eat. Yeah, it does say that. Because these aren't, these aren't, I feel like these aren't as big as the shack heads, but they're still, like, too big to be comfortable. Do you think you could put your mouth on Shaquille O'Neal without getting irritated? Like, is this something that's just unique to him?

It's art. I see. It's communicative. I got you. This is what is. it's like to take Shaq into your mouth. They cut from here to a trading montage. You think it's going to be awesome, but it's just Jimmy, like, loosening up,

just shaking his wrists out and stretching. And then he finally does the Jean-Claude Van Damme splits between chairs, but only at about 70%, and it looks like he hates it. It looks like he might die. When he's warming up, they do the thing where, like, Bruce Lee clenches his fist so hard that his knuckles crack. Only he does it with his spine, and that's not cool. Right.

I do that when I get out of bed. Like, that's not... Yeah, I'm 45 and I have scoliosis. Mine does that too, but it's not supposed to. Yeah, I... That's what I liked about it, I guess, is that, like, I like to snap my bones in a place before a workout, too. Like, I can relate to this. Chelsea Clinton and Vice President Michael Moore are meeting with Ambassador Bin Laden in the Oval Office where they are currently letting him sit in the president's chair.

This is the future liberals want it. They're like, let's let Osam bin Laden sit in the Oval Office. I had to just be racking its brain for what's the worst possible thing they could do? And they would let him sit in the chair. That's such a liberal thing to do, sitting in the chair. Michael Moore gave him permission. Hannity, yeah, Hannity sees this and he turns to Oliver North and say, be glad you're blind. Jesus Christ.

Oliver North, I don't know that you should ever say that to a blind guy, even if it's something terrible. Because, like, he's not happy that he's blind. Oliver North is... It's kind of like the N-word for the sighted. Oliver North throughout this whole comic is constantly being like, God, I wish I had my vision back. And at one point, Sean Hannity turns to him and goes, you should be happy or blind.

Because you don't want to be the bad parent who's like, I don't want to get the wrong gender diapers. Look at fucking Huggy's only has the one type. They must have shitty diapers. Like, that's all it took to, like, to hijack an American mind in 1988. It's much more complicated. Now you have to tell them, I'm going to lower the cost of eggs.

something crazy. This podcast runs in two weeks. Are you sure you want to be publicly pro-age at their... Like, this is dangerous territory. In this political climate... We're going to get those diapers back. Those diapers are on their way back in. Yeah, you're looking at the future, buddy.

We're regressing right to it. I think it's far safer for us as a podcast to get to the woman fucking the elephant. Jason, let me test your hip-hop history. Can you finish this rap line? they call me sweetness. I love to dance. Because running the balls like making romance? Fuck yes.

Exactly right. See, you're a true hip-hop. Oh, gee. That was wrapped. That was wrapped. That's 1988 rap. Perfectly executed. Because he actually makes the targets.

Right. Or does, is there a trick that I'm not seeing? Is that woman ripping and dropping the targets no matter how far away he gets? possible. Oh, I didn't even think about that, but that seems so likely to me now that you say that. Because if she wasn't, he was really fucking good. Yeah, I think it's that. Yeah, a lot of that bit too seemed to be like she was pretending to be really uncomfortable and the audience was like, yeah, I like that. She's scared. Yeah, whipper. She should be. But then at the end, she gets a little turnaround and she makes him put a, put like a match in his mouth and bend way over and then whips him

on the ass. I don't know why he had to present that way. Yeah, it feels like, just put a cigarette in your mouth. He's like, oh, should I stand like this? No, no. Too late. Should I assume the position? I know this. I know this position.

No, it's because this is like it's like of the stars, baby. I feel like there have been maybe two spells cast and about six loads swallowed on screen. Right. Yeah. That's the vibe. Like, Buffy was notoriously like kind of for the queer. And there was more like a two to one ratio of loads to spells, I think. Yeah.

It's just, it's definitely skew in a direction. This has at least twice as much semen as Buffy, I would say. Oh my God, yeah. I mean, the first, there's like four sex scenes in a row at the beginning that are just men pounding it out for no reason, just to show us that they're dating. Just artlessly fucking. For several of them, you do not know their names. Like, what am I watching? Who is this guy?

I name the ass, please. I need to know which ass to root for in this contest. I'm just going to go ahead and say that episode of a, uh, Next Generation affected all of us in weird, different ways. There was a Handstuffed Ghost episode of Next Generation? Yeah, dude. Dr. Beverly Crusher had sex with the Irish Ghost that had sex with her grandmother, which was actually an alien.

Where were you? God. That's the best episode. Sounds really good. It was so weird and awakened things at all of us. Uh-huh. I went right from that episode to the graveyard. Oh, that makes sense.

I was already living that life, that ghost handstuffed life. You were already four inches deep in a ghost by that point. What an erotic show today. Did you like Bladesman Under C1? If you did, please let us know. This is the last planned issue. That's always just displaying that confidence I love to see. I like that he also doesn't even add.

I know it's what he means, but he doesn't add unless you like, like if you buy a lot, we'll do more. He just says, this is it. End of the line. Party's over, boys. Well, I mean, he wrapped up everything. the good guys got their treasure those human trafficking victims

got to have sex with the zombie penis I mean it's a everybody wins if there's no rules you should be able to jury rig up like mechanisms you should be able to come in there and do like electricity attacks like block yeah surprise gun that's a good move for a no rules fight if you can manage it if you can rig it up surprise just tape yourself all over with tasers

guess you forgot to check my asshole before this fight I know the I know the referee was real serious about sniffing those gloves, but he didn't sniff my asshole, and now I got a gun. Did you see the guy? He sniffed the gloves every round. Yeah, but that dude sniffed those assholes, too. I know he did. That was off-camera, yeah.

Yeah, there was no fight cause for sniffing the gloves. That's just a hand thing. A little something for me. Did you put knockout powder on the I'm going to take a big whip of these fists? And if I fall asleep, oh, you're in trouble. My name's Doug. I love you shuffle. Say no more. Doug.

The end. Our dealers are great faith cause no trouble. This is alcoholics a little bit stuck. There are partners in business, you see. I guarantee the profitability. Well, Grooing all day is made for me. It's a lot like Dela advocacy. Uh-huh.

Despite his lumbering non-speed, he solves every problem with just sudden punch. So if a guy has him at gunpoint, his solution every single time is just grab the gun and bonk him. But I'm making it sound way too fast. Like he's like, oh, goddammer, fucking get up for this. These old bones. Yeah, he's like 60 here, right?

Yeah. There's real exertion in every movement. Yeah. Anyway, I just like the ogre paw bonk is so funny to me. But again, the show is written and produced by people who love him. And so he's putting these scenes where women like swooned. over him while he plays the saxophone. And when I say saxophone, I mean, he plays like

a gigantic... He plays the monster hunter saxophone. It is this gigantic... But they gave him the one instrument that makes him look normal size. I say, I think they should have given a ukulele or a triangle or something to play it up. Yeah, I didn't know they made big and tall instruments. Dirk, do you have on your notes how Fatty Mellon

kills that one guy? No, yeah, he farts him unconscious. Yeah, he farts a ghost to death. Okay. So other people saw that. I just wanted to verify that I didn't imagine that. Yep, true comic fat guy fashion. You got a fart at least one ghost to death. Yeah, but then in the next scene, Mellon tries to free the princess,

and the little clown dudes are there, and they see his ass, and they each bite one of his cheeks. Yeah. Yeah, so he's going to save the princess, and he's struggling with the chain, so it's showing his plump ass, just shaking around, and then for a very long time, the two little people come up,

lift, they gently lift his little skirt, examine his ass, declare, what a plump ass, and then each to a cheek begin to eat his ass. You can't put out the E.T. book before thriller drops. And also, E.T. Book had this original song on the storybook, and they said, you're not allowed to release it as a single. You don't know this song. It's called Someone in the Dark. It's terrible. It sounds like something a priest would sing to E.T.'s feet. It is just a saccharine pile of shit. It's up there, if you know the song from Free Willy 2, where Michael's like, have you seen my childhood? It's like that.

It will turn your penis inside out listening to it. Find out she does have a pimp who sent her here. So the pimp sent her on a baby gig and she, a perverted old billionaire milked her as she talked about her lost baby. This is a comedy. And the pimp's in love with her. And the pimp later is like, come on, man, I love her, dude. Like, he's very, he's not very good as a pimp, I will say.

He's real bad as a pimp. I think we're skipping past some important notes. Like, he did cut everyone off from their money. And that is like, it becomes an important B plot in the movie because he's like, all right, bad news, guys, there's no more money. Good news, I do get to drink human breast milk. They take no comfort in that. So anyway, I just didn't want to skip past that.

Oh, yeah. There's somehow, and it's exactly a sitcom B plot that they don't have their money because it will only come in for a joke. Like, it doesn't do anything else. It's just like, let's throw to the. The B-plot for a couple of quick giggles. And then back to Mickey Rooney sucking on a titty. Tell me which one of these is fake.

Cheryl in Bikini Summer. Babe number one in Assault of the Party Nerds, too, the heavy petting detective. Vanessa in Bikini Summer 2. Laser Model 2 in the cold of the night. Tammy, an alien intruder. Sex dentist in Bikini College. Mountain Nug in Encino Man Dancer 2 in White Cargo

Number 2 Can you guess the fake one? It was number 2 You think it was Babe Number 1 An Assault of the Party Nerds 2 The Heavy Petting Detective The one I made up was sex dentist in Bikini College Every other one was real

She did return in Bikini Summer 2 As a completely different character All right, read number 2 to me again Babe number 1 In Assault of the Party Nerds 2 The Heavy Petting Detective I knew you would think that was fake Like, that's why I invented this game.

You found the inspiration for the entire bit. Now I just want to watch that one, though. How shitty are you that they can't even like borrow $50? Like, they're in like fucking La Pluma, Washington. Like, I looked up the motels. It's like $45. Now, today money. Today, yes.

Can the people at the wedding each kick in 75 cents? Combined, that would be enough to get us a bed overnight so we don't have to freeze to death in our vehicle and they're like, no. Or alternatively, we're saying we're woodsmen and it just, we weren't planning on doing this. That's why we didn't bring our tents and sleeping bags. Could anybody just lend us some blankets? Also, no, that's surprising. Yeah. Also, you could just sleep in your car. It'd be cold. You might have to turn it on for a bit. There's so many solutions to this problem that aren't going into the fucking woods and sleeping in a haunted cabin. With a spare tire on, Sean? That's not safe to do. You're right.

You can't sleep in a car with the spare time. You're right. I take it back. I take it back. Go fight the ghost. Darcy, I said, have you ever arrested a barb? She downed a spoonful of baked beans before replying. Are you talking about the gang? Is in the St. Louis barbs? I am. Okay. So that's like just to set up what comes next. Down them beans, girl, yeah. It was my turn to take a spoonful of beans. It was my habit to save them for last.

I'd already finished my ribs and hoped I didn't have globs of sauce on my face. I obsessively wiped it as I ate the messy food to keep red smells. smears away from my cheeks and the corner of my mouth. So, it's pretty good. I think it's pretty erotically charged. A lot of bean talk, just like I like it. Yeah, yeah. We're fucking these beans. I'm into it.

I'll keep going then. After swallowing the beans, I took another paper napkin to wipe my face again. A lot of beans and wiping. Oh, yeah. The lady teacher walks in and he's like, oh, a lady. Like, just forgets about the kids instantly to get in their pants. I'm like this tries to get her those fries Ask her if she wants some of his fries He fails to impress her with the entire contents of his wallet

He pulls out every fucking thing in his wallet And says is this will this get me late? Will this get me late? Well how about wait? No, hold on This is a diners club Will this get me late? Yeah, he's got a pile of his own trading cards

But here's the thing I think this would work This is a true story I'm on a series of video game All-Star trading cards Put out by Twin Galaxies And if I handed you one You would fuck me Yeah

Like, I'm sure of it. You know me too well, Sean. She turns him down and he says, well, what's your type? She says, you're not my type. And this bugged the shit out of me. She goes, about three foot seven, six years old. In my notes, it says, I'm out. They got on coming.

He wants to be pervin on girls being. And like, we get what she means, but come the fuck on, kindergarten ninja. Like, there's 9,000 ways you could. wrote that and that was the one you shouldn't know hey she's here doing her community service too all right she for your unspeakable sex crimes i sentenced you to four years of kindergarten teaching that now she has to be bound in the magical helmet to re-experience her mistakes yes there's a fucking magic helmet so many things what is there's a magic helmet in the in the In the magic bookstore keepers, magic bookstores, magic bookstore computer, which contains a subfolder of dinosaur karate.

And within that subfolder, there's a magic helmet, which contains its own world where you learn about your mistakes. Fucking madness. Just all the way madness. This is an existence inside a scene elsewhere, inside a matrix. Inside an inception? There's an inception thing going on. So, God, where are we? Inside a reboot, inside a never-ending story.

All right, I'll stop. Your second title card should be just the second part of your first title card, and then your second title card should say, has to hide his vampiric penis at all times or something. Yeah. That's your dark secret. Yeah, you can't see his dick in a mirror. His dick must feed.

Wait, you guys can see your dick in the mirror? Oh, no, Sean, he's got you too? Oh, no. Sean baby Shock Jock on the podcast Just found out he's got a vampire dick Love Forever Love Forever

I don't know It's better for me to sing it even though I can just hit a button There you go Remember in extra large when one of the musical instruments was a gun If this song had a gun It's one of the musical instruments I would Yes Wait for it?

It's the fucking gun solo. Here's the thing. I have done some pro wrestling, and it doesn't seem like this should be a dangerous thing, but to cover the ring in cornflakes, you are going to get some scratches. And as the night goes on, anybody who went to the mat will get up, and there's just a few little cuts. You can just see little chunks of blood on their back and arms. Just because sliding onto a cornflake, it's just going to break the skin.

My worry is, like, at one point you see the ring, and towards the end of the night, it's covered in just pulverized cereal dust. Like, somebody's going to slip on that doing a very dangerous move. That shouldn't be ordinarily very dangerous, but if you slip in the middle of it, you're going to die for the breakfast cereal match? Yeah. It's so stupid. that this is like something I saw. I'm like,

ooh, that's kind of dangerous, but it's just dumb assholes thrown cereal. This is like the only song I loved. I won't say like I would listen to it outside of the context of Eurovision, but if you're going to lean into some sort of stereotype about your country, and you are, as is Eurovision, people are out here like, I love a good sauna, who wants a meatball? And they're like, we're a dark forest of corrupted wood sprites, and we can beat, the lyrics are all,

we can beat any curse or hex, we will summon things to defeat you. And you're like, yeah, it's true. Fuck yeah, put sitting there in its final fantasy. I have a clip. Yeah, you're dying in a forest to that.

Yeah. Again, 90s Nya song, could be. Could be. Or just a fairy trap left in the woods by evil spirits. Yeah, the year 6,000 long after civilization has died and been rebirthed in a shape we don't recognize. Could be. Could be. And Sean, you're going to play the role of the penetrator.

Done. And as the penetrator, you repeat after me. I have been fucking Zabos this whole time. Zabos, we. ask that you help us overcome all difficulties. Zabos, I am the penetrator. We ask that you help us overcome these difficulties. All of our problems and obstacles. All of our problems and obstacles, whether they're involving penetration or not. I'm just doing a little ad limit. The penetrator doesn't play by rules, baby. And so we offer you this arse. And so we offer you this art. Wait,

no, no, no, I'm a, the penetrator is at top. Just, you've finished the line, your gut. All right, to Nard? You're the penetrated. All right. So repeat after me as the penetrated. All right, cool.

Powerbottom, sunny style, got it. This wonderful arse. This wonderful arse. Good. That's it for you. Sean, the penetrator again.

Wonder Woman will be my bride. I have a power bottom Wonder Woman until the superpowers team has disbanded in shame. God, these souls are so forfeit. They're so forfeit right now. Sean, repeat after me. This arse. This arse.

All right. And now you slap. Now you slap the penetrated? Do you slap? Uh-huh. Okay. Do I have your consent, Denard? Give me a little slap. Half of it. Oh, yes. I always like to ask permission before. Okay. Okay, let's do this. This is so much more erotically charged than I thought it'd be. But I love it. I found a Malibu Comics Wiki. It describes his origin. story as Cal Denton discovered after he turned 18 that he had superhuman abilities. Went all out on all of these ideas. He assumed it was just a genetic aberration and began fighting crime. All right.

So he's like, oh, it must be fucked up in the jeans. Let's fight some crime. I mean, it's not exactly seeing your parents get murdered in front of you, but I guess it's an origin. I feel like if you said, hey, what are your guys' ideas for the ferret in like a brainstorming meeting in the 90s, and someone, like, took a deep breath and opened their mouth, I'd say, stop, I already know what you're going to say. And then this is what I would say you're about to say. Bitten by mystical ferrets, of course. Of course, of course, yes. Bidden by a

wizard's pet ferret. You're going to say just Wolverine. I already know. The rest of that, what he didn't know was that he had been given his abilities on purpose, possibly by the government. Okay, that's better. Well, that's Wolverine. You go too easy with these questions. You got to make these questions more difficult because I owned Mac and Me on VHS as a child and watched it dozens of times. And when that clip started becoming popular with Paul Rudd on Conan, I was like, oh, Mac and Me, because I had seen the whole film probably like 10 or more times. Did that scene ever get normal?

I mean, but there's other parts, too, like the dad gets a gun at one point, like not a human dad, like an alien dad gets a gun. And he looks real fucked up like you would shoot him without the gun. Oh, absolutely. There's a, I think they drink Coca-Cola out of the liquid core of their planet. I might have misremembered that, but I'm pretty sure that that's... That doesn't quite sound. I do remember something about Coke. They love Coca-Cola.

It is mac and me. Yeah, it is mac and. me the 100% you win a point question before we move on Paul Rudd started doing that way early on Conan right it feels like yeah he's been doing it for a long time 15 20 years it's like 90s early 2000s I don't know yeah sure was that was that was so far back that it was still really special when like somebody referenced something that that you thought was private to you did you fall in love with Paul Rudd at that moment oh that's a good question yeah

I'm looking at my Paul Rudd tattoo right now, and that is not a joke. Verbal contract, Merit K-20205. Okay. You have a Paul-Rud tattoo? I have a Paul-Rod tattoo. Yeah. Wow. Because of Mac and me?

It's early enough in the culture. It's not because of Mac and me. What do these numbers represent? Ethiopia 100%. India, 86%. America, 11%. Greece, 91%. Korea, 88%.

Mexico, 24%. China, 18%. On a scale of 1 to 10, how depressing is the answer? That's a good question. Two. Two, so not very depressing. Not at all. It's great news to some.

Population that are secretly kittens? Nope, that's not it. Merit, you can steal and you get your own question during the steal. What was the one that was 100%? Ethiopia. Ethiopia is all kittens. I'm just all kittens. That's what we are, the world was about.

They deported all humans, paratropped in just... Does it have something to do with animals? Only very, very vaguely, other than humans, yeah. Just like only through the sheerest of technicalities. But no, I'm going to say no. Percentage of the population that owns a nice sweater, a nice wool sweater. Hmm, that's it. Both great guesses.

100% of Ethiopians. Yeah. What that actually is, is that percentage. of a country's cuisine I eat as a taco ape lover she's a mistress I'm the ape lover

Buck Yes the passion and the earnestness in this song is so deep that it instantly won me over to a cause I would have said I was against

which is of course women having sexual intercourse with apes So just based on the time that this movie came out this is some racist shit, right? Like, this has got to be.

Now, now, now, hold on. It's very specifically about apes. Right. Like, if, if, if, if that was the song and then it was, it was her going into Harlem or something. Yeah, okay. She is from New York City, though, and she's got, you know, just regular dudes can't do it for. She needs something more. And that's always code, right?

It was probably, exotic. Oh, fine. It's not like I'm, it's not like I'm saying I'm, grow ape fucking now. It's like how I feel about furies. I don't I don't get it. I think it's like a little goofy, but it's not hurting anybody. And they're here

you know, it's done. It's over. Unless, unless, I guess if the ape doesn't want to fuck, somebody's going to get real hurt. But so she recruits the neighbor to go to a pay phone. They try it again. It works. And they're in a technicolor jungle. Only they're both like corpse gray. And he tells her,

I always wanted to shower together. So they do. They shower together. in virtual reality like immediately it's like a I have written down it's like a poolside shower in the black lodge where you're being spied on by Phil Collins yeah and then she I guess she force morphs him into Adam Baldwin which seems like a nightmare yeah that's the worst I think Adam Baldwin may have forced morphed him into Adam Baldwin I don't know either way his identity is a race like she's established this is a mind-to-mind connection and then she's like, hey, guess what? You're Adam Baldwin now. Like, that's, is that what

happened to Adam Baldwin? Is that what made him Republican? It's like, he, being John Malcovished himself somehow. That would make a lot of sense. I know you're supposed to do that. I think this is the, this is where I realized the show was very, very, uh, designed for women. Like, uh, because this is a very woman way to use virtual reality to kill a magician and then have sensual jungle sex. Uh, and also for like all this complicated technology, just be like a magic dream. This is one horse away from Perfect Lady Fiction. Let me know in the comments if I have a full understanding of women.

So he finds out the hacker is his son, of course. And he has that information of the government wanted all this time. The aliens were hungry for it. And what's worse, his boss, he finds out his boss

director Briggs, is behind the whole thing because Goliath as the software that gathers so much data, it can predict our thoughts. Okay, interjection, interjection. So, they tell this, dude. One interjection?

They, I'm still using my interjection. Don't ape me. They tell this guy, they're like, hey, buddy, if you turn on this fucking surveillance system, aliens will come to Earth and eat the data. And he doesn't say, they. Interjection. You can't interjection, interjection. Yes, I can.

We find that out by a tweet from Senator Chuck Schumer. Continue. Okay, thank you. No, good interjection. The first panel, he is climbing a cliff, and he sees a, uh, he sees like a dark shadow in the distance on the air. He looks up and finds like a really generically designed pterodactyl monster, uh, descending upon him. Uh, it's, it's kind of nothing. It's kind of something.

It doesn't say anything. We are not given any, like, context for it. It's like a dungeon master's tattoo. It's not, it's like, fine. It's fine. It's nothing special. It also doesn't say anything. We get no context for it.

He hurls a bolo around its legs and then cuts it in half. And then holds the bolt of his swords to the air for no reason and screams, gods of the planet, Reynald, give your son's strength. Give my weapons your power. Let us do your bidding. Okay, so right here, I, turned on this hard, because this is just Conan, but at least Conan's gods, like, have names and, like, personalities, I guess. And so for this, like, you could tell the world building's

bad when this guy's like, whatever you call the guys who run the religion here, which we also have it named. And also, I'll do whatever. Yeah. I don't really have a goal in mind. So if you do, like, I'll build a shed. I could do some plumbing. I can kill another taradactyl monster. I'm not really sure why I did that. We're on page zero and we're out of ideas. They are really bad ninjas, though. They're horrible. The idea is that they wouldn't have been able to get there

if they were dressed like ninjas. People would have been like, oh, hi, ninja. Like, oh, shut. Or you go in at night, which is why you have the black ninja costume. That's a great idea, too. No, it's broad. It's like noon. It's like the sun is directly above them. Try going in at noon while everyone was working inside there

without being disguised and were caught instantly. and then they changed into ninja clothes to run away, leaving them wildly confused and with a really funny story to tell. Back at the base, Nichols has no idea why Cindy's mad. She's like, dude, no one's ever fucked up anything worse than that. He's like, come on, let's have a little fun. Let's loosen up.

It's like, you... I thought this was a project. This guy's got a puppet. He's like, come on, it was just an undercover op to stop a nuclear missile. What's the big deal? What's the hard? I'm going to honk you. Did it is now.

Is it just called ancient Korean karate? I feel like they would probably have a name. It's Tung Sudo is what his style is. But Tong Sudo is a form of karate. It's not inaccurate, but it's a little... See, I just found that in the introduction, he's like, just ancient Korean karate. It should be called something. You should probably tell us that.

Right away. Well, he does like a kata early where he's, which is when you pretend to have a fight against like 15 dudes. but they say this special form of Korean karate designed as a gift for an ancient prince and I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. I don't even look it up. That's a terrible gift.

To get a karate ho-down, you get a little karate line dance in exchange for your heroic deeds. Like some guys get fucking mountains named after them. You got a karate line dance. That sucks. That's how you get haunted by an ancient Korean prince, like for sure. Like, this is the first time I really thought

somebody fucked up really bad and made something really crazy and I don't know that kind of lifts a little bit of the veil off the universe where you're like oh things don't just suddenly exist and then I consume them somebody made this and there is a chance

that they did a very bad job yeah it is kind of like a nightmare of a character design like it's something you'd make if you forgot you were supposed to design a Rubik's cube cartoon and like your boss showed up in your office and you're like no no no I didn't forget about this

It's a Yeah, it's an old man baby head Attached to the side of a cube Yeah, it has It also has feet Yes, you're right, boss And yeah, of course it has feet Of course

It doesn't need them A particular goblin blue That we really only associate With villains and cartoons Yeah, I've written down here It looks like Mickey Rooney's corpse And a teleporter accident That's what I have here

It's a fucking nightmare to behold. It feels like the dreams that I have a lot. There'll be like stuff going on in the background that makes no sense. Like I watched like five or six episodes to refresh myself. And there's one where they're all in biology class. And there's just a guy in the background lifting weights. But instead of weights, he has a giant tortoise.

Yes. I, you know what this is to me? Uh, do you ever play the video game paper boy? It's like paper boy shit where like you're a paper boy, but then you'll pass something. You're like, wait, what was that? Like things that seem sort of like background action, but aren't quite right. Like the Grim Reaper will just be on the sidewalk

or there'll be a single break dancer in the middle of the street. Like they sort of make sense because something had to be there but then like when you look at it too long you're like, wait, no, no, no, no. What? And it just feels like someone has like

created this entire backstory for just one second of just something you're not really supposed to focus on and that's this whole show felt like that. We're just, there's just shit happening and if you look at it, you're like, no, why is someone just rowing a boat on the sand? Yeah.

Was I supposed to see that? Is that going to come back later? No. Nope. And then freeze frame on a dedication to the children of the Special Olympics. See, wrap. Him being a clan, like, a clan diversity pick almost feels like sabotage in terms of, dude, he's actually likable. We're trying to build a fucking behelit here.

And people are going to love him. What do we do? We've had to say the worst things we could think of, how do we poison this man? They found a way. The only solution they found in the entire fucking screenwriting process is how do we make this character unlikable? They finally did something. How do we make people not love Terry Cruz?

And you know what? Still kind of loved him. I have no idea, like metaphorically, but I love the interaction that leads up to his transformation. He walks up to the family. Danny's like guessing at what some petroglyphs mean and he notices. the guy and he says, are there more petroglyphs down that way? And the ranger goes in the most like, you're an idiot

voice, I can imagine. He goes, just follow the path. There are clear signs at every turn. And then boom, he's the nude Indian. Just sprinting up at all. That's what he says before he transforms is customer service speak for fuck you, dip shit. Use your brain.

Just literally, like he did not answer that question. Asshole. He said, yeah. See all the fucking signs everywhere? Maybe you should look at them. Anyway, peace out. I'm a naked indie. This is so cursed. I don't know a good way to talk about it. Like my notes, this is the most scattered my notes have ever been because the layout of this source book is totally broken and insane. Like it, as you mentioned, it kind of has everything you could ever possibly think of, but also not nearly enough. Like the things that

it omits are just as important as the things that it has. Like, for example, I did find a picture of me on page 79 and I found Sean Baby in the supplemental art you included so like we're in here. I think I know exactly which pictures you're talking about. Yeah, you're the rogue scholar. I do this shit.

Yeah, we're in here. We're in this book. It's a never-ending story. The juicer hitting a guy in the face, right? Yeah, I got my look from that. The first time I saw that, I'm like, this is what I'm going to look like for the rest of my life. So that we know the kind of bits we're talking about when they

say the ideas are bad. The back half of one of the episodes we covered is that a guy gets too many compliments so he gets a swelled head physically. So they have to insult him to cut his head down to size. So that's like 10% a joke idea or like wordplay. 90% grotesque facial swelling. Yeah, that's the balance there.

For which they built several prosthetic heads for him. New prosthetic heads, multiple. So it's way more about how horrible he looks than anything they say or do at that point. Yeah, he looks like a, it looks like a sex toy having an allergic reaction, for sure. I'm just going to say it. I'm not sure how he meant Della's a genius, guys. As like garbage historians now, we can just glance at this and see several reasons why this is cursed. But like I had to realize, like I'm, I am witnessing something that should not exist.

And it does not exist for many people. It was a weird era. I mean, this was like the vanilla ice era where. that people would try to manufacture cool and it sort of worked in a way that sort of felt nostalgic but we also kind of saw through it I guess how like you

so something like this you're like oh they're trying to make a cool thing and then you see like oh wow they really missed but we didn't quite have like the irony so is I don't know it's this holding pattern for culture where stuff sucked and you were allowed to enjoy stuff

that sucked but we didn't quite understand what we were doing yet to be clear no one enjoyed this movie in any way. I've seen enough of that in my adult life of the advertising world and how that works. It's just like, sure, sell it as a package. And then you just got to wonder,

who is the production company that took it on? What else did they do again? We saw a little bit of it, but just endlessly fascinating to me. Why didn't we give them a camera? Make us a video. Sure. What do you want me to film? Oh, no, no.

You do not get a camera. Or we could get a camera, but that'll eat into our budget. so let's just spend as little as humanly possible and get some stock footage that maybe they owned the rights to, who knows. Or like you said, didn't even get permission for. We will never really know, I guess. I know a guy.

Hear me out here who's got footage of just thousands of chimps dying in really funny ways. She says that Pierce Brousen is like always on with his fucking smooth brother. Like, hey, my love, like, like, take. Everybody. Like, the DoorDash driver's going to get flirted with by Pierce Brosnan. That's incredible. Yeah, that's his life. That's just what he does. He's just a, yeah, just a drifting, drifting hunk. And I think the flirting is, like, not intended to hook up with anybody because he's been, he was like, happily married, widowed, and then happily married again. And it's just that it's like a gift he's giving to the world. Yeah.

It's like pleasantly attractive vibe, you know? Like, it's not to hook up with the driver. It's just like, you've entered the vicinity of Pierce Brosnan. It's like if you smelled a flower near you, you will experience my hunkitude. And then you'll move on to your next thing. Everybody leaves with a boner. It's almost like an AI made this. Like if you said, make me a burger song, like it would probably be pretty close to what a human made back then. When you say you didn't know if somebody made a note of it, I assume you were talking to Brockway because I can close my eyes in the entire film plays. Like, I can give you a frame-by-frame rundown of exactly. Because this film opens with a montage over the full length of that song.

Again, not getting you into the tone of this film. There's nothing, there's no jokes or wackiness in this. It is a straightforward, heartfelt, three-minute-long montage of just people cooking and eating burgers. And then it dumps straight, straight into an extended shower scene. Hell yes. Instantly, 80s comedy. We need to talk about the tiddies in this film. Okay. Come John, you can't you, no, ma. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1,900, Frankfurt.

1,900, Frankfurt. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1,900, Frankfurt. 1, 9,000, new, you know, yeah. Yeah, 9,000.