The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 258, Straight Up with David Bell

Episode Date: December 17, 2025

David bell joins us to revisit the DARE program's most lackluster attempt to save children from the horrors of recreational drug use... Louis Gossett Jr.

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1-0-0-0-0-0 Yeah, 9,000 Welcome to the Dog So 9,000 The Official Podcast of 1-900 Hot Dog.com We're the last website Go there for daily articles By an all-star cast of writers

There's a free one every week Or if you subscribe, you get one Every day, it's the best Help us pay everyone by going to patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog, end of ad. I'm Sean Baby from the internet, and my partner is six-time runner-up for Buns Digest's Bearded Beauty

brought to you by Beaver Gap's Tickless Briefs. He's acclaimed author, Robert Brockway. I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. As a child, I too met a mysterious secret hobo who told me he was magic and opened my eyes to the dark, dark truth of the world.

This movie's based on you. I have no follow-up questions. I've seen your story. Our guest is one half of the Gamefully Unemployed Podcast Network and Headwriter at Some More News. He's David Bell. Welcome back. You guys are so prepared. Like you have like, you have like zingers and stuff. We got little bits.

We got bits. Yeah, you know, we're cute. We like to have fun. Thanks for having me on. Of course. I was just on your podcast. Had a lot of good times. We didn't prepare zingers.

We just sort of mumble through it. That's fun too. No, yeah, I guess. Yeah, but this is cool. It's cool. You guys do it. Here's the dark side of it. It took me seven hours to write beef or gaps, dickless briefs.

Here's the dark. The dark side of mine is I was not joking. David, let's do plugs. What can you tell us? I already plugged a couple of your things, but. Google, if you like podcasts about movies, Gamefully Unemployed is a podcast network about movies that I am. co-host and co-owner of

I am also the headwriter of Some More News So if you like News, check out Some More News With our dear friend Cody Johnston Yeah, Katie Stoll Yeah Jonathan is also there Yep, we went bowling recently That was news related, but we did that

Do you throw the spin when you go bowling Or you throw it straight down the middle kind of guy I'm a guy who always remembers it as I'm good at bowling and then is corrected by the experience of bowling where I go, it's like pool, where you're like, yeah, I think I'm good in it, right? And then you play and you're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, I was just drunk. It was like I, like, when I drank, like, you know, pool, pool and bowling are the two things where I think there's like a drinking bell curve, you know? Why would you bowl sober? Yeah, you're a psychopath if you bowl sober. Yeah, because then you're just rolling balls.

Yeah, what's the point? Yeah, what the fuck? You don't have a Nintendo, you dumbass? Yeah, no, it sucks. Brockway, I'm sure you don't have anything important to plug. No, no, no. I am legally obligated to promote my book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200.

It comes out January 27th, 2026. Buy it. Buy it on bookshop. Buy it on bookshop. dot org, use the code Robert 15 to summon me to read it to you. I don't know. I don't know why I'm the promo code.

It's always weird. It's always going to be weird. It gets you 15% off and an exclusive bonus short story that you can read or throw it straight in the fucking garbage. I don't give a shit. All it matters is that you buy it. Just buy it. Tell all your friends to buy it. Trick your enemies into buying

it. I fucked around and now I'm going to federal prison if I don't sell enough copies of my book. And there are two things I do not like to do alone. Sing Island's in the stream and go to federal fucking prison. I'm taking the whole site with me. I'm taking Sean with me. I'm taking Sean with me.

I'm taking David with me. I see him over there. Oh, shit. I go with me. I know for a fact. I know for a fact, Dave has smoked the devil's grass. Uh-huh. I'm going to tell. I'm going to tell an adult. I'm going to tell a teacher. I'm going to tell the devil. I don't know. The point is If I go away, if I go away, it all goes away.

It all goes away with me. So save everything from me and buy my book. Thank you. And that promo code was Robert 15. And if you're on Grindr, my username is also Robert 15. We're doing origin stories. David, you picked one I'm very familiar with. It's a true, remarkable work of nonsense.

And I'll let you try to describe it and what it means to you as a documentarian of the insane. Of course. I mean, I would argue that what this is like, I mean, we're doing origin of stories, right? So it's not going to be, you know, the milky life. It's not, it's not that extreme, ultimately. But this was me in sixth grade doing what many people our age might know, which is the DARE program, which is where they send a police officer to your school to give you. you a bunch of propaganda about drugs.

It was not effective, like statistically. Like, I don't think we do it anymore, right? Yeah, that you guys have the DARE program? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we did. Great shirts, though. Great shirts. Clearly ironic, but great shirts.

And so it was, it's, it's everything that's been parodied, right? We had a thing called, sorry to interrupt, we had a thing called Awesome, which stood for Oregon student safety on the move. Is that true? And that's a drug-free program. in my high school yeah we also had dare so like and no drugs so I really don't know maybe that's why we had no drugs because we've just really on top of it awesome awesome yeah they took you don't say the T so it's awesome because they were awesome the only people you would beat up

more than dare program students that's amazing yeah that is um but I remember getting in trouble in dare class I remember this is I don't know if it's the first moment but it was it was one of those moments early on when you realize as a kid that maybe adults don't know everything um like even in sixth grade i could tell that the things being said to me weren't quite right uh which were propaganda and they showed us just one it turns out one of three films but part one of this 1988 uh i looked it up produced by the U.S. Department of Education film called Straight Up, starring Lou Gossett Jr., which I didn't know who that was.

I mean, I love Jaws 3, but I didn't make the connection at the time. And it is about a kid going on a series of magical adventures in an elevator that this strange man takes him on to fight drugs. and I remember like with awareness with magic yeah knowledge and facts is the first

knowledge and facts did you when you did your research did I come up when you were researching straight up did you come up? Yeah no just it's a serious question because I in about 1999 I wrote an article

about straight up and okay yeah so this was back in the day I did a big thing on it and it was pretty popular article there's a line from that article in borderlands too like that just to give you help you calibrate how popular that article was yeah when i bringing this to you guys it kind of had that feeling of like you know like i kind of assumed you guys were familiar with this already it's not like

i wasn't about to blow your minds with a dare program video i'd never seen this one in particular we had we had different ones but that was the great thing about the dare program is they made so fucking many of these that no two schools you would be like you could always come up to somebody from a different school or even just a different grade

and be like did they show you the one about how you should follow hobos into elevators and they're like no no mine had a mine had like a disco cat I didn't get the disco cat

one everybody got a different one they stole so much fucking money with this program they really did and I distinctly remember this being like the first time I watched something ironically. And like the classroom, when the kid comes up and goes like, hey, guys, what are you doing?

Drugs? I remember the whole fucking classroom laughing. And the teachers being like, calm down, calm down. It was like the first moment that kids realized what like ironic viewing was of something. It was like, this is like a tutorial class on like kids, you're ready to enter the world of ironic enjoyment. Yeah. Is that we ease you?

win. Just to help get the tona has a theme song. I thought I'd play the theme song. Oh, please too. Yeah. You got a picture Lou Gossett here, mostly nude. Yeah. Yep. Oiled up with a magic headband. And Chad Allen is the star. He keeps giving the kid articles of his clothing. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. No one of many dangerous signs We shouldn't do this Yeah, as a kid I remember thinking How far is he going to take this?

And it's Yeah, okay, okay I just, it's hard to stop It gets so funky It's very This stinks of like Like a bunch of adults being like What's cool?

What will the kids like Disco and Funk for like, right? Like, it's very 70s. Right. I also want to note that the main bully, Kevin, is played by the actor who plays Nog in Deep Space Nine. That's the Ferengi that joins the Federation. Oh, he's so good to be in hateable.

I know. That's why he's so good. So I'll talk us through this plot. Chad Allen, who was in that Wilford-Rimley show in the 80s, he was a big child star, very teen beat, heartthrob kind of kid. He's in a parking lot with his skateboard. He just can't skateboard.

He fucking hates his skateboard. It's so stupid. First line is him skateboarding on and going, I hate this. I hate skateboarding. You don't have to. The thing is, this is important. Like, I don't want to get into it now, but just everybody mark this that he's here Stone Cold Sober trying to skateboard going, fucking hate this.

I hate this stuff. So now the four nerdiest fucking dorks like scrape by them on their skateboards. And let me describe this gang to you. There's a chubby dick dressed like he peed himself and had to borrow clothes. Then there's a plump, a plump little 50s. street tough and he would this is the guy who would grow up to play a star trek nerd monster uh there's an asian girl with a side ponytail and just a cute little fellow with resting best friend face it is like a kid with a deep v shirt yeah just the least threatening gang that's ever been um it's insane

casting because chad allen he can play a hunk and nothing else they didn't even give him like glasses or a bow tie or something he looks like kind of stylish and making him bad at skateboarding was the only thing they even tried to make him look not cool and that's stupid because in 1988 not being a skateboarder was the coolest thing you could be. And I guess the bad kids, they're, what are they? They're doing drug inventory at this point in the movie. The smug kid in the board shorts has two beers and Kevin is the main bad guy. He's like, oh, only two beers, but the Asian girl has like several pounds of weed.

Yeah, it's so much weed. She's so much fucking weed. She should be pissed off because the rest of the gang is like, I brought a quarter bottle of scotch. I brought a pack of cigarettes. Well, I brought a fucking kilo a week. man you are not pulling you with you we're not splitting this even it's sleepover after Halloween vibes right where they're like what did you get and yeah one of them is like well I got a car I killed the drug boat look at this I've got a human hand and nine pounds of

marijuana I took a little clip of this only two beers yeah it's all I could snag without my dad catching me I got what you wanted Kevin right this grass is great suit This grass is great suit. You can hear it in that, and no offense to any of the actors. In fact, one of them is accomplished Deep Space Nine actor, but they all deliver the dialogue like someone making fun of one of these videos. Does that make sense? Where it's like, what?

Be a man. Do some drugs. And it sounds like I'm exaggerating, but that's how they all say it. It's very musical theater, but with sarcasm. I think as a kid being signed up, let's just say it, forced by your parents to do this, you have one defense mechanism and that's to look as sarcastic as you can because they're going to show this to your school and they're going to beat this shit out of you. You've got to be like, no, no, you saw how much I hated it, right? Again, this is not my air of expertise, but for 10-year-olds, they have enough weed to last them three months, probably.

They're good, yeah. Kevin brought some scotch, the other, the nice kid. brought a pack of cigarettes. He's like, what, no pot? I'm like, dude, you have pot. You're set for pot. And then Chad Allen walks up and says the line that you remember from your childhood. I took a clip of that, too.

Hey, guys. What's you doing drugs? It is so authentically square. All right, let's do it. Hey, guys. What's you doing drugs? Oh, it's so fucking good. it's exactly what the squares kid in your school would say and how he would say it I love it real uh big gulps huh

you get some drugs drugs huh um so of course this is the 80s so they all immediately try to get him to take the drugs that was so hard for them to get and they're not they're not dealing like this pile of narcotics is not kind of it's not any kind of a scheme they just party super hard and they want to share they want him to join it's the best life will ever be for this kid and he's in there trying to make it if that if if you would put me in this situation as ben i would be able these would be my best friends to this day yep yes this is how you make a lifelong friend at 12 years old they seem to like him because they're like hey man you want to do drugs with us no one ever says that i remember i was in i was in london uh at a at a at a

concert. We were snorting things off of a park bench and two pretty young women walked up. We were in our 20s as well. And they were just like, hey, what's up? And then the guy was doing drugs with it looked up to them and just went, no,

no. Don't walk away. Like they didn't even ask for the drugs yet. We just instinctively knew that's what they were here for. No one offers drugs, is my point. In fact, they are very protective of their drugs. So these kids are safe. They're expensive. They're expensive.

Yeah. Except for the little girl who has so much goddamn weed. She just can't get that stuff away. Yeah. I was, this is more recent. I was walking, like five years ago, down the streets of Los Angeles. And weed had been kind of legalized at this point. And these really nice young men came up to me and they literally said, excuse me, Mr.

Do you want to buy some marijuana? And I was like, no, but no one asked me that anymore. Thank you so much. Is this for like a pro? Is this like Boy Scouts or? Right, that's what it felt like. It was like, oh, is this for your school? Yeah, I'll buy some.

All right. What's the most anybody's pot? I'm going to buy one more than that. Yeah. Our Little League team is selling crack. Okay, so they call Chad Allen chicken. They're like, and the little chubby boy, or not the chubby one, the plump one, he like tries to physically bully Chad Allen, who's like almost six feet tall at this point in his life.

And it's just, it's very cute. And his backup in this fight is like three fourth grade. Three, like, real adorable fourth graders. He brings it to a car window, and he goes, like, look at this. Look at this. You want to see a picture of a nerd? And it's like a really awkward insult. Yeah.

And he's like, God damn it, got me with that. Like, I'll fucking walk him into that. It works on him so good. Yeah. It's like instant psychic damage. You're like, whoa. All right. I don't know what you're weak to.

Chad Allen's kind of playing it like, oh, I just wish I could be part of this super cool crew. And they're begging him to be a part of this super cool crew. Then they ditch him in the elevator. And he, like, can't quite make it to the elevator. And then, a magical voice says this. Why don't you take the fate elevator? And then, yeah, what?

No answer. Right. Danger. What is this? And now he's in an elevator with a strange man. I said, why don't you take the fate elevator? And that doesn't help. Yes, and I said what? the fate elevator sounds so ominous

like this is I mean obviously it's a one-way ticket to like to Molesterberg but like it's also like Murderville right it's torso in a ditch you would have to follow this up the next year with a video about not following strangers onto elevators

like I'm yes it seems we lost some after the last video so it turns out this one's more important than the drug one so uh yeah as he'll sing this ride will decide your fate he says like he's fucking jigsaw it's devil shit and this is uh magical lugasa junior he just made iron eagle too like he didn't need to do this yeah did he get is this is this like court mandated i it assumes yeah it must be this feels like it's court mandated for everybody involved every adult involved that's true i think most importantly not enough was done to set up this fiction like there's no magic mirror or secret door to help us understand where entering a new like realm. This is how an artist would explain this character is having a

psychotic break. None of this is real. All I'm saying is we're doing a sucker punch. It's this real gross. Spoilers in later, because I watched all three and later ones, the kid just vanishes. Like there's this part where they go like, where did he go? And it's like, oh, so he's just getting beamed up. At one point, I don't want to spoil if we're going to get into him, but at one point he shows up missing his shoes? You're like, what the he took your shoes? You've got to tell somebody about this. That is part of the fiction. That's because he got like

stuck in that swamp, I think. No, no, no. He got charged. It's really subtle. Yeah, he got stuck to the floor and he jumped out of his shoes to avoid like the drug lasers or whatever. He physically disappeared and the shoes don't come back with him. Right. Which he went into an elevator with a man.

Like in this first, he's in and he's by an elevator, right? So it like makes sense. It's like, oh, you accidentally went in a magic elevator. Yeah, from here on, they just completely cut that part. Yeah, in the later episodes. He's just beamed away. And so, okay, this is strange Lou Gossett Jr. He's, he's dressed like, like Whoopi Goldberg. He's kind of in robes with a magic tie-dye headband. He immediately takes the handsome little boy in his arms and starts singing at him. And I want you to imagine a very affectionate stranger manhandling a boy in the elevator. He dragged him into while he sings this.

Just grab it Take the elevator up And close the gate Close the gate This is the ride That will decide Your face Turder

Dumes Take the elevator higher Higher Leave the men's the need behind This is the time For the ride of your life Okay, now it's definitely a sex thing. Right.

Or a drug thing. Like, this is so drug coming. Is it something like a cartoon cat would sing to a cartoon mouse as like a warning in a Disney movie? Yeah, with like all it's putting on a bib and getting his utensils out to eat it? Yeah. You're like, no, you got to run. Elevator. Fuck out of there, Fival.

What are you doing? This part's good where it goes. Feet elevator Okay, okay, that's plenty. Anyway, it is, it's not great news when they get off. I have a clip of the immediate thing they say. I don't like this place. Let me out of them.

You've got to trust me. It's just, boom. What is this, please? The Dundon of Ignorance. Run, run. What? Yeah, for people, we should just play the whole thing. Yeah, you're right.

No, it's a dark, it's like, it looks like a, like an indie theater production stage, right? It's like this dark hallway with like stairs, everything's painted black, and then he calls it that. And yeah, this is just like a basement, right? he's going to kill this kid in a basement. Yeah, the assumption when Lou Gossett Jr. is like, the elevator, Faye, come on, hop on. It's like, those doors are going to open him. It's going to be a fairyland out there. And, like, that kid realized he fucked up so bad when those doors opened and it was just like a dank basement.

Yeah. Oh. Uh-oh. I shouldn't, I shouldn't have trusted the singing cat. The song lets you know that this is not the first person he's killed in his homemade maze, right? Oh, yeah. Like, there's a, there's a rehearsal. to this. A lot of them don't make it.

He gives Chad Allen the magic rainbow headband. It's like a home-tide strip of bed sheet. If you wore this on Halloween, people would say, Gay Rambo, that's a fucked up costume. Unless you were me, and then I'd sing, Fate Elevada, and we would be instantly brothers. Chad gets abandoned. Like, he's left here by this kidnapper.

He just wanders into the dark. He meets like a drunk wino stumbling around this MC Escher landscape, and he offers the kid a drink And the headband counters with knowledge. This is what makes it magic. I have a clip of this. Shortcuts are my game. Booze is alcohol, and alcohol is a drug.

Right. Who said that? It's not even the homo that's freaked out. It's the kid. Like, what the fuck? It's his own voice. Attached to the magic headband on his head. And he's like, what the fuck?

Who's talking? And from here on, just note that all the drugs either look like they'd be friends with Tom Waits or just look like Tom Waits. Yeah, that's true. Booze is just Tom Waits. Yeah. I kind of want to stop here, maybe talk about how unlikely this was to help anyone. We obviously know this is for kids to enjoy ironically, but telling kids alcohol is a drug is just trash. It's just nothing.

You can't make any educated choices with that shit. It's like hoping kids blindly follow your authority while you're fucking. humiliating yourself. So I guess my point is, it's, it's not trying to be persuasive. These are empty talking points and wouldn't be relatable. Even if Chad Allen wasn't trapped and amazed with Batman villains, I think this is just nothing. Well, that's the thing about Dare is like DARE, drugs are something I love, but they're also, you could make a case that drugs are bad for you because they are. Right. And Dare did such a piss poor job at making that case. because they wouldn't know how to communicate facts.

They would lie or exaggerate. Or like sometimes some of the statements in this one feels like they're scared they're going to get sued by drugs. Like later there's a line that one of his headband thoughts is, over time, marijuana can become addictive. And it's like facts like that where it's like, if you're going to lie, just lie. like where they're like it could over time maybe legally speaking we can't say it will like a lot of the facts are like weirdly passive like that yeah and it's like not great for you in some ways if you look it's kind of complicated i want to get into it but like you got to trust me the untrustworthy lunatic kidnapping children yeah so this doesn't work as like a PSA obviously because the first step is is trust a stranger getting his elevator follow him and hope

everything works out but like really the problem here is tone because if you told me just everything that's happened to this point like like a boy gets into a mysterious box with a strange sorcerer who abandons him in a hobo dungeon and gives him a headband that detects drugs I'm like all in on that d&D campaign oh yeah that's pretty fun on paper it's great it also doesn't help that all the drugs look awesome yeah they look so fucking cool yeah yeah yeah And they're kind of fun. The first thing that happens is booze is like, kids like, how do I get out of here? And he's like, I'll drop this beam for you to cross.

And then the kid's crossing and he whips out a chainsaw like he's Freddie Kruger. And he starts cutting the beam. But he does it in such a charming like Bugs Bunny way. Yeah. Oh, booze rules. Like, holy shit. It was a mistake. It was a mistake to make the best actors in this, the drugs.

Yes, it's that community's fucking episode where fucking they do an anti-drug thing and Chevy Chase insists on being really cool as drugs. Right. Speaking of Mrs. Pot, Mrs. Pot, it's Mr. Booz that he means first because it's all just Mr. whoever the drug is. Mrs. Pot comes in and we're like, right, it's not just me when she says shit like, I'm the softest drug of all and you can drop me anytime you like. Yeah. That's hot as shit, right?

It is. Yeah, she's down for some casual sex. It also doesn't help that they made her just be just like Mr. Booz. Like, you could tell they're like what's, so what's weeds should be like? And they're like, I don't know, stumbling and drunk too. This is when you're high, you talk like this, son of a bitch. I wanted to know more about what cocaine was like. We don't get enough cocaine.

Yeah, agreed. I think that either cocaine or heroin was like a really famous, like, like artistic interpretation guy like a lot of like provocative like weird art pieces and stuff so they really should have let him go loose heroin ruled heroin was powerful he didn't get to do anything but I watch I also watched all of these

and heroin just steals every scene that he's in he doesn't even have like some cocaine is all acting you know jittering up which still pretty hot I don't know I'm still there for cocaine but heroin was like he wasn't slurring and stumbling and falling around he was just fucking sexy and dangerous and just like yeah so what's the what's the bad thing he's doing because the good thing he's doing is a lot heroin just should have been sleeping the entire time or just zoned out yeah but heroin is like yeah it feels like uh fucking like a like a glam

fucking punk singer uh like yeah he's just look pretty cool it's what's his name the scars guard from true blood just like lurking in the background as king of the scene and you're like I want him. I want his attention. Yeah. One heroin, please. I think they decided, because throughout, not to spoil it,

weed and booze are the main villains, I think they, early on were like, listen, we're not going to get into heroin with these kids. Like, what's just, their background characters, it's fine. I was watching,

there's a YouTube channel called Kirkazact that, like, my daughter and I watched together, and they do episodes on drugs, And their episode on heroin was like, dude, heroin fucking rules. You take heroin, it is the happiest you'll ever be, but it's the happiest you will ever be. Every single thing in your entire life is just you trying to chase that high that you'll never get again. Like you broke the nerve receptors that make you happy. And I found it really persuasive to just be super blunt like that in a way where I'm like, yeah, this is so much better than the drug, the anti-drug propaganda we got when we were kids.

everybody I know who's described heroin to me that's done it describes it like the nexus from Star Trek Generations where it's like yeah it's the best thing ever and you'll do anything for it and that's why you shouldn't do it it's like yeah that's actually really compelling that's exactly how I feel about heroin the man exactly heroin the man before we get to him pot comes out and my notes say

she takes over manhandling the boy that's a weird way for me to describe it but it seems accurate yeah they're just all grabbing him by their shoulders and waist and, like, pulling him around. There's so much burying. I don't like it at all. It's way too much. Yeah. So she offers him weed, but the headband is ready with its fucking dictionary

nerd knowledge. Here's what it says to him. I know these you sway down of her. Marijuana is a drug. Well, maybe. Case closed. Good work headband. Yep.

You nailed it. that head, man, I'm convinced he screams at her, I don't want to get hooked on pot. And then we get into that stuff you were talking about, just a lot of caveats. Like, look, okay, it's not addictive, but like you could, it leads to things that are addictive. Or if you do too much of it, like, it becomes part of your day. Yeah, a couple of the facts is marijuana lodges itself in the fatty tissues of the brain, which I was like, I don't even know what that means. Like, okay.

And does what? Hey, what does it do? And then they also know. a single joint can fog up the mind for as long as three weeks, to which I wrote, no, it can't. Yeah, it's not my experience. We would all be using a lot less pot. Like, not out of avoidance, but just out of economy.

Yeah. Every child idly experiencing with pot will disprove that in less than three weeks. That little girl, Jenny, or whatever, would not need a full kilo if that were the case. Yeah. You just take one little taste of pot, and you're good for the month. But yes, it's not super bad for you. Citation needed. And then she snatches the headband off his head and he falls into a pit of snakes.

Yeah, he does. Like he's Indiana Jones. He's hanging. What are, what, what are the, which side effect of pot is snakes? I don't remember that one. You got to watch out for pot. It'll make you lethargic, forgetful snakes. I put together.

They did a recap on the show and I took a clip of that. And I, you'll, you'll find that when they say it all together, it, it, Kind of sounds crazy. I'll play it. Ben finds himself in the dungeon of ignorance, where he meets booze and pot, who try to lead him astray with false information about drugs. Thanks to the knowledge that his magic headband gives him, Ben is able to keep out of danger. But when Pot steals the headband, Ben finds himself hanging over the edge of a deadly snake. All right.

Okay, kids, you learned about drugs. It means that this world that he's in, this narnia-ass drug world, it feels like it's like being used for multiple child adventures. And he's like, what's the snakes about? They're like, ah, that's for another thing. Like, it's that, or it's like the snakes, they're here. We have to have the snakes here, but they're not like a drug thing. Yeah. That's for like, they come with the magic.

Yeah. We're doing a zoo one later. Yeah. It's like a, it's like temp space, you know? for Narnia adventures, like it's like when you When you buy a labyrinth, it's like it comes with a snake bit. Like when you

buy a house and it's got like a fucking mudroom. You're like, what the fuck's a mud room? Like, I don't know, it just comes with everything. Yeah, you can make it an office or something. Yeah. Chad climbs his way out and he gets his headband back and he learns that marijuana over time can slow your reflexes, make you lose your brain, blah, blah, blah.

I don't trust the fact checking or the integrity of the show because whoever made this wouldn't know and doesn't care what drugs do. And they've made that so clear, so many different ways. We're not going to dig into the next parts too much, right? Like, I can spoil one of the facts later. Because some of these get dangerous.

There's one when they talk about alcohol later. They say that it's a lie that different alcohol, like different types of drinks, like wine and beer, have different alcohol contents. And they say, like, a glass of wine, a beer, or a beer. whiskey, all have the same amount of alcohol. And I'm like, that's not only a lie, but that's a dangerous lie where if someone's then drinking whiskey, they're like, ah, I can have a few glasses. It's fine.

It's the same as beer or wine. I've only had five whiskeys. Yeah. I can drive. Like, just tell the fucking truth about this stuff. But it's not even true among the same type of liquor. Like, you can have very different, I mean, I'm saying obvious shit. But I think children know this is obvious, too.

like they've seen their parents after five beers versus five whiskies and they're like yeah that doesn't sound right dickheads right after five whiskeys you can rob them for arcade money after five years you can't without you know getting a hit a very strange thing they do in the later ones

too well we should get back and finish this one but speaking of like the way they treat alcohol especially in like I think it's the second episode with the fucking clowns there are clowns in this by the way in the later episode so if you think doesn't go downhill.

You've still got clowns to look forward to. They start treating like they really go after adults drinking alcohol casually in restaurants. Like that's like most of an episode is like, look at these fucking adults. They're going to try to get you to have a glass of wine in a restaurant. Assholes. That's not-assholes. That's not like the drug use you should be tackling is like have a glass of wine with your Italian meal at a fine restaurant. They're like, no.

No children. You need to watch out. Yeah, I'm bringing all the children to the fancy Italian restaurant for glasses of wine. That's my peer pressure. Here's something I actually hate, like, specifically. They're grabbing them, and the headband says, alcohol and marijuana are gateway drugs. And then a giant fucking gate appears, and then cocaine and heroin are behind it.

Yeah. Well, yeah, they bring them up to the gate and they go, hey, here's the gate out. Take the gate. And I was like, oh, I get it. I'm so pissed off about that. But here's, I wrote down what cocaine was in. So cocaine was the guy in the Theodore rec suit. His name is Pons Mar.

And his IMDD credits are three dinosaurs, two puppeteers, the he-man enemy solrod, the noid, and of course, heroin. Anyway, just dream jobs his whole career. I thought cocaine was a lady the whole time, in my opinion, is unchanged. I take back nothing I said. I think I meant heroin. My notes are kind of a mess for this because I was still mad about the gate. way thing. Oh, yeah, I think heroin is also one of the wheelers in

return to Oz, one of the like terrifying monkeys. Heroin rules. I never thought I'd say this, but Heroin kicks ass. Give me more a heroin. For the record. Yeah, he was just like a puppet guy. So if there's a movie where someone, you needed a puppet guy, heroin was like, I'm your guy.

Look, I do two things. Puppets and heroin. You mean you play them? No. I will, but no. So Chad leaves and Lou Gossa Jr. is there, and he's so proud of him. But like, for fucking what? For not sharing a fifth of toilet wine with a child predator in a maze?

Like, that's an easy no. And he leaves him, releases him from the nightwear. He finds the four bullies, and they are fucking trashed. They are just sick and coughing. They skipped right past the high to the hangover. And they start, it turns into a cartoon like for baby children. It's a twilight. Yeah, your body's like a spaceship.

And then it turns out drugs and booze are out to destroy. your spaceship, and every fucking part of your spaceship has an allegory. Like, oh. And like, you know, your guts, they're kind of like a spaceship's hydrothermic dilithium crystals array. You know, what the, they're making up parts of the spaceship. And they're like, no, but the spaceship doesn't exist. I don't know.

There's world building. It's like they, it's like they couldn't decide on which PSA to do. And they're like, let's just do them both. Because it's like, it's just the twist of this is like, now let's do a whole other PSA and type of PSA. And it was like, well, just do this. The way they frame it is that this, they, all right. So Ben, I think Ben is the main kid's name.

And he manages to somehow escape the criminal pervert played by Lou Gossett Jr. And he comes out and finds all of these kids trash, which first of all, I guess they can't party. I guess that was their first day party and they first got two kilos a pot. Yeah, it took them out, man. You can't do that shit on your first day. I was surprised they're talking. Yeah, that's incredible

But he comes out and And he finds them all floor there And then the framing device is He's going to tell them about what he learned In the dungeon And like the way he explains things is the cartoon So the cartoon pops out of his head And he's

So you've got to imagine him telling the bullies And your body is like a really cool spaceship And like the thermocoupler is your heart And the dilythium engines or your legs And like Don't don't don't You're telling kids how to talk to their peers about drugs. Don't tell the nerd to do this to go to his bully and tell them about the spaceships that they are.

Right. You're going to get them killed. The lesson keeps being that is like him showing up. It's like such a straw man thing where he just says, like, this kid seems like he's the one who needs an intervention, right? Where he's like, I rode the magical elevator and now I want to tell you about how you're like a spaceship. And like, yeah, if you're trying to say this. What did you just say? Yeah.

He also tells them that pot has carbon monoxide and that's dangerous while they are hanging out in a parking garage the entire time. So great. Yeah, mixed messages. There's another fact from here where he says alcohol has ethanol, a chemical so deadly, it will burst into flame if you put a match to it. Like, is that a fucking concern for sixth grade drinkers that someone's going to light their beer on fire? Like, it's shit like that that damages your credibility. There's no one dumb enough to think, oh, here's a risk of drinking beer. Igniting.

Could explode. Narratively, the whole thing, because, like, the adventure in the elevator, none of it requires him to, like, learn anything really, or it's all like you have to get past this pit of snakes. And so you come out of that being like, all right, kids, see, it's as easy as climbing out of a pit of snakes to avoid drugs. Like, it doesn't teach you anything. And then to the point that he has to do an entirely new. metaphor to talk like he should be using what he learned to talk to these other kids but they

have to quickly create a different thing for him to say and then and then yeah and then they have to make it so that yeah and even the kids aren't convinced in this one I don't think even the kids are like man shut up the Star Trek kid is like I'll get you next time but like what next time what you got tore up in a parking lot and this idiot kid gave you a speech about space ships like nothing happened to you there's no revenge you need to take upon this he also stephen king bully not to not to not to not to be too evil here but uh hey kevin why can't you get him this time just get him right now yeah yeah fuck him up like it he's not there's nobody interceding in this like you wouldn't all right kids break it up you're in a parking garage alone you're drunk as

shit you're never going to have a better chance of fighting this guy right they haven't been thwarted there's no thwarting here you can just get him right then Because all he's done is walk up and say, you know, what you're doing is bad because of these facts I have. You're going to break down your work drive. I just smoked half a pound of weed and drank a bottle of whiskey. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I've been getting groped by sad maze perverts all day.

There's no, I guess I want to say that there's no sense of danger in this. Like he immediately is like, oh, hey, stranger in an elevator. Oh, hey, booze. Like, he's getting groped a lot, but after 70 grabs is pretty clear they're just. just like shoulder molesters. Like he's probably going to be okay. Even the chainsaw is like, I'm going to cut this, cut this beam and you're going to fall. It's like, yeah, but not really.

He just, it gets weirder when he goes back because like, I think by the third time, he treats the elevator like a crutch, like a drug where like he has an interaction. He's like, yeah. Cosmo, give me the fucking elevator. Give me that elevator. I got to learn something. The second time, the very next time in the next episode, When he sees Cosmo, he's like, he's so happy to see him.

He's like, yes, the elevator. Like, hold on. No, this was supposed to be like a terrifying lesson that you learned. Remember? Like, you got abandoned in a dungeon where they dangled you over snakes. Right. You should be terrified. And he's like, elevator, elevator, back to the dungeons.

You should be screaming the whole time, the whole elevator ride. But yes, he does go back in the elevator a couple more times. We've only talked about the first, like, 30 minutes. This is a full 90 minutes of this shit that they made. I guess let's talk a little about the other ones because the next one opens and it's funny to me because they're having like a party in a video store like in a blockbuster video. You want to try to describe this? Yeah, no, it just, it was amazing.

They're in the front of a video store blasting music on a stereo and smoking weed and drinking these children. And it eventually does end with the adult going, guys, get out of here. But it was like, it takes way too long. It was just like, this video store rules. I thought it was going to be about, like, the other things that it makes you do. Like, when you see it, the short hand is like, oh, now you need money for drugs. You're going to steal from your favorite video store. Right.

And then they just start lighting up. Like, no, we party in this video store, man. This is just where they party? It's, again, somebody being like, okay, let's make these videos. Where do kids hang out? I don't know, parking garages, video stores, volleyball courts. All right, perfect. Let's go with that.

Because it's, I guess, technically kids hang out. hang out in video stores do they did they i don't remember hanging i remember going there to find something to watch yeah then you're leaving then you take your shirt off you get blasted i think this yeah i get a little i would hang out blockpost you get a little fucked up my friends yeah they're so fucking cool because i was like no one dares kick them out they're that awesome they're that awesome and then they get kicked out i do i did take a clip from their interaction in there it's pretty fun oh sweet hey ben what's going on come on over This is what they're blasting.

We'll give you a second chance to be cool. Cheers to grow up and stop being a baby. No, thanks. I... So what, you know about drugs? Everybody drinks and smokes. Yeah, look at us. We're cool. Yeah, and it's fun, Ben.

Don't you want to have fun? Sure. I also know what drugs can do All the really neat guys drink and smoke can do drugs All the really neat drugs You'll never be one of the gang Just a loser All right

Just one beer That's all it took Yeah Just a couple of minutes Real clumsy bullying He's like All right fucking yeah you talk me into it This does seem fun

you guys seem like you got it together. The thematic idea for this one is that movies and TV make beer look cool. I think that's why they're in the video store, right? It's art. Like they're like, we want to tie it in to this bigger theme, I guess. I'm giving them too much credit. Yeah, I think you're giving them.

I don't think you should give them any credit. These are absolute lunatics. But anyway, Lugas Jr. hears that he's going to have a beer and he's like, looks like you need to take another ride, Ben. So this is like a punishment. But I just have in my notes

I wanted to know why he gets his own Lou Gasser Jr. Like why does only Chad Allen have this opportunity? Does every child get one? Did these other four children have their own Lugasa Juniors that they betrayed or did they die?

Boilers, it's like handyman situation. It gets pretty cool. Yeah. That all of this, you think, you're right. You think they're like, you think he's free? No, no, no. He's giving him all of the pieces

of magical. Lou Gossett Jr. He's giving him all the pieces of magical clothing so that he turns into the hobo wizard in the elevator, like the curse has passed on. Now Lou Gossett Jr. is free to roam the earth. Yes, finally free. Until he traps another child,

till Chad Allen can trap a child. By the way, when he goes down the elevator right this time, he's pretty pumped about it. It's a punishment for having a beer, but he's like, hell yeah, take me to that fucking groper maze. I love it, I love it. But now he gets sunglasses. Is this not going to be there again?

because she did something to me that I don't understand. I'm imagining him in his 30s, like, taking some mushrooms and going like, oh, no, I better have a magical elevator adventure. Just like, just specifically taking drugs so he can enjoy it. You're abusing the dungeon of ignorance. But this time he goes, and he does, he's in a restaurant with clowns, he's in a bar.

They offer him gin, and then he's like, hey, isn't that bad for you? I mean, there's a lot of alcohol and that stuff. Like, yeah, there's a lot of alcohol in gin. you fucking idiot but then so they offer him a draft beer and he's like okay fine i'll have a draft beer and then his headband tells him draft beer this is what happens it's really what they offer him a nice beer in a restaurant he's 12 we got a pretty good pilsner like here's a joy and i'm like this is the best restaurant in the world but the headband says only about five out of

a hundred and twelve kids experiment with alcohol and marijuana and that is an insane year. Did they ask 112 kids exactly and then fucking believe them? Because 5 is such an absurdly low number. Also, if that's true, what's the point of this? They're not doing it. Yeah, who cares?

It also later says like drug abuse is one of the major reasons students are dropping out and they say stuff like drug use is a big problem with kids and I was like but you said that only 5 out of like 112 kids experiment. So which

is it where this it felt like something that like clearly was out of some magazine somewhere where they're like we can legally say that it's in print we can say it this counts 112 is just an insane number that's not that's all the kids we could find like 4.7 out of 100 or whatever 4.7 percent i don't know it's so silly um not maybe the weirdest part of the movie might be this where uh this cowboy comes out and just starts doing a pommel horse in front of him And they say, the clowns and the fitness gurus are like, this place is only for the prettiest ladies and handsomest men. And right when they say that,

the cowboy on the pommel horse turns and gives this 12-year-old homosexual actor a very intense look that is like, oh no, this is fucking weird. They say that man's been on that horse for a week. But remember, he's got a superpowered piece of clothing. Each episode, he gets another superpowered piece of clothing from Lou Gossett Jr., which, real worrying, like, real worrying where that's going. Yeah. But this time he gets sunglasses.

He gets the sunglasses from They Live, basically. Yes. Only he didn't have to get the shit beat out of him in an alley for 20 minutes to put him on. He just gets them for free, which is horseshit. But that's what that's, that's setting up this very strange moment because the cowboy gives them that super intense look. And then he puts on the glasses and realizes all these beautiful people are like junkies and

alcoholics. And he looks over at the cowboy. and the cowboy starts collapsing slowly off the pommel horse, but while still giving him that smoldering look the whole time, like unbroken? Like, what does that, hold on, what does that mean? What is the implication? They've completely fucked up the messaging,

because what they're trying to say here, right, is that the world of like, you know, you see people, James Bond having a martini in movies, right? And that idea of like, oh, yeah, alcohol is seen as, like, classy and successful. but they're not explaining because they're like you know how all the classy and beautiful

and successful people drink? Well if you put on these glasses they actually look bad but they aren't but if you put on these glasses they do and that's the end what they need to say is like no the reason they're successful or classy

isn't because of this and in fact this inhibits them that's what they want to say but they don't know how to say that not really so it's just like look at this fancy restaurant in this gym filled with healthy people well fuck these people they're actually scum and it's very confusing yeah uh Sean do you have do you have a do you have the clip of heroin uh saying I wouldn't stick it to you Ben I didn't take that clip no I yeah because I was in one of these heroin's in one of these sketches and

he just kind of again like he's like he's like he's about background character, but, like, stealing the scene. And then he comes at his cue, he comes out of the shadows and goes, come on, Penn, I wouldn't stick it to you. Right. Hold on. Cut. Yeah.

I wasn't sure about that in the script, but hearing it out loud, it's a definite no. We got to. Yeah. I know I told you you're drugs and you're trying to seduce a child, but I should have rephrased that. Yeah. Although he's already, he's the only character that doesn't explicit, that basically explicitly he says, I'm not going to bless this kid, which is more than one of the other drugs

adult say in this. Including Lou Goss a junior. Yes. There's a bit of lasers in this part. They're trying to sell him on the celebrity that comes with cigarettes, and then they shoot him with lasers. They just give up. They're like, you know what?

Fuck you, kid. I hate this kid. Do you guys got the drug lasers? They scream, and I quote, you'll never see through us again. And then he puts on the glasses and sees through them. I it's such a fucking weird show they also one of the facts here is they're talking about automobile accidents they note that taking heroin causes automobile accidents which is very funny to me because I'm just like I actually don't think it does I think it causes a lot of deaths before they can get into the automobile right it sounds right I feel if you had a hundred people on heroin like race against 100 people not on heroin you'd have 200 dead people and I would blame heroin. That's fair.

I'm just picturing a guy like shooting up and leaning back all bliss out and then a car comes careening through the wall and lands on top of him. Yeah, that's what happens. He fell asleep and placed for cars drive. Just explain how heroin kills you. It does that. It's not hard to explain.

Don't say that don't do heroin and drive. It's like that's not the message. The message is you don't do heroin, period. Exactly. If you unequivably said, hey, heroin ruins your life, there's not a single person who would say, hey, come on now. Like, I don't know. I'm not driving.

Let's be fair to heroin. You can drive on it. Yeah. But yes, we cut back. Lou Gosser Jr. is proud of him again, I guess, because he didn't, like, die on a pommel horse. Chad Allen really wants to help his friends. But they're, I don't know, they're his bullies.

I don't think they're his friends. I say fuck them. Also, I don't know why Lou Gossi Jr. is in charge of any of this. Those kids are getting kicked out of the video store for, of course, the marijuana beer, noisy rave they're being too cool for the video store. Yeah, seriously. And yeah, Tony tries to say, like, yeah, we got kicked out. What the fuck? But yeah, it's illegal to throw a kegger in a blockbuster video when you're 10.

It's fucking, I think that's a fine rule. Let me say this. School's going to be talking about it forever. You're a legend. You're a living legend. every one of you. Yeah, Chad is now missing his shoes because he had to leap out of a trap.

Well, he comes out to lecture them and then the bully says, is that the latest fad with you walking around in your socks? And then Ben, Chad Allen character, he says, is everything a fad with you? Answer the question, Ben.

What happened to your fucking shoes? You disappeared. This is where he physically disappears. He's talking to him in the video store. And when we come back, they're like, where the hell did you? go. I didn't see you leave the store.

He's also just standing in the background when they come out like he's Michael Myers, like he's been traumatized, just waiting for his cue, I guess. Like, yeah, there's a, he has a lot of fucking questions to answer here. Just tell them a wizard teleported you and stole your shoes.

They'll get you help you need. I took a recap of the next thing. We don't need to talk about the whole next one because I did take the recap. Cosmo's magic fate elevator takes Ben to Drug City, where booze and pot and other drugs really put the pressure on him. Thanks to his magic medallion, plus the encouragement of headband, Ben is able to withstand this pressure. But just

when it seems that he has won the battle, Ben finds himself under arrest. All right. Now you're done for it. Pouch still. Oh, do it. Pust! Give me that. Get him on. Okay. So this is, as if we needed another goddamn layer of insane abstraction, he's now under arrest for being found in possession of no drugs, which is a crime in Drug City. And I feel like Lou Gossett Jr. should have told him this. He should have said, okay, I'm dropping you off in Drug City. Now here's something you need to know. You've got to have this bag of drugs on you at all time. Right. They're going to take you in. It's the bizarro world. Like it's bizarro police where like normally the police plant drugs on you. These, they, you need it. it. I'm so sorry. I have to back up because this one begins with him, him and the kid that he's recruited playing basketball. And then when him goes, hey, check it out. A volleyball. And that's just on the ground. I was like, that feels like bait. And then they go up to it and they're like,

let's play volleyball. And then the bullies are like, hold it. If you want to use this volleyball court, you have to drink some alcohol. I guess it is the only way to enjoy volleyball. But this. This is weird. These rules are weird right now. Anyway. I want to talk about when Lou Gossa Jr. takes him before he gets to Drug City, he takes him in the elevator. And then they get off and he sees the sign, the welcome to Drug City.

And Chad Allen just sighed deeply and goes, do I have to go through that now? And Luke Gossett Jr. says, yes, you do. Right. Because at this point, he just wants to know how to stand up to these kids. Lou Gossett Jr., what he should say, and what kids should know is that if a group of kids are doing something you don't want to do, just say, all right, bye, and fucking go do something else. You don't have to convince them. You don't have to change them in one afternoon. That's all he has to say, but instead he has to go to Drug City, get arrested for not having drugs, put on trial, and then he wins the trial by just going, no.

And they go, and then he says, you destroy Drug City, so I think they're all dead. Killing millions. You've destroyed. I didn't send you in there to destroy Drug City. What the fuck, kid?

They had kids. They were Drug City kids there. You were supposed to save them. I think they did wrap up the character arc of Headband, because Lugasa Jr. does let him know that Headband was inside him all along. You get it. You've seen these movies,

before. Before we proceed, I just want to, because I mentioned at the start, the very first scene of this whole series was him coming out with a skateboard, Stone Cold Sober and being like, this fucking sucks. I hate it. I hate this skateboard. I hate everything about it. And then when they put him on trial, they're like, what's so good about

being sober? And he's like, well, being on drugs, it's an artificial happiness. You lack the real happiness of learning how to do something and excelling at it. Like, and then they throw up a picture of skateboarding. He's like, like skateboarding. Fuck you, kid. You hate skateboarding.

He hates it. They do, that's their idea is like the, like heroin and drugs. They give you happiness that you should gain through like doing stuff. And it's wild that they use skateboarding because you were goddamn terrible at it. You hated it. You were stone cold sober.

The only time I've seen you happy is when you're fighting drugs in a dungeon, which I would say is that you maybe should be on drugs. That's yeah. You might just like drugs. Trying your best is the real high. It is so fucking pathetic. die of a heroin or overdose than have a single thing in common with this video is I think my takeaway. But he gets all these kids. These kids are just getting blasted in the like the

great school parking lot. Um, it's just kids get these kids kick so much ass. It's been the coolest kids. God, we do another cartoon. He just starts hurling their drugs. He goes, you don't need this. You need this. And then that's where we get the animation about inside happiness, outside happiness. And then we get Kevin's downfall. Where Kevin does what this kid should have done the whole time. He falls in the ground and goes like, I need help. It does a full like, I'm so excited. I'm so scared. Well, first, Kevin phrases it as a challenge. He says, I can do anything better than you and still take drugs and the thing he chooses

like choosing pistols at dawn he chooses opening a beer so he's like he grabs it and he cracks open a beer and then he trips and falls over but we didn't get to see Ben's turn Chad Allen's turn he didn't open that beer

you don't know you don't know who the victor is he would have shotguned it with one hand just effortlessly it's so funny though he goes like watch this and then just like does the dumbest pratfall and then of course

gets real sad. It goes all the way to, help me. I would have fucking thrown this bitch in the trash, but Chad warps him through time and space to the fate elevator, and we get this. I don't know what to do. I really do.

I do. That's Chad Allen. He knows what to do. And this is it. This is the curse. He is not. now the Lou Gossett Jr. Take the elevator up. And there's no joy in that voice. No.

Listen to that. The fear. He knows what he's becoming. That will decide to date. Free me from this. I wanted to keep a potty horn where he's like turning into Lugasic Jr. Oh, I would love that. this is a horror movie ending yeah it's absolutely like there's no way to spin that because he

doesn't he doesn't say anything with any joy take the elevator of fate yeah he's never leaving that elevator again until i guess if he can convince kevin uh not to do drugs then he can be free hey kevin kevin you you asked me to take a beer so i can be cool i'm saying take my headband yeah You realize Lou Gossett Jr. was probably 12 when he first stepped in that elevator, a fate. That's how long it takes to convince one child not to do a beer. That's how you say it, right? Do a beer? Do a beer, yeah. The true challenge was never not to drink the beer.

It was to wear all of his clothes. Yes. It was all the drug stuff just a distraction. Like, oh, we're learning how to fight drugs. You got to take my robe now. You got to take these shoes. Look, you don't have it. nude in Iron Eagle's 3 through 11

Because he was free He was free Just strafing people With his fucking fighter jet Fully nude Iron Eagle 3 flopping downs I'm

9100 Frankfort 1,900 Frankfurt And to podcast Canals And with maximal in show Talk Frankfurt podcast Correct.

Yeah. The craft is nitratis not only. Shik the in the hundred zone. Four an hour an hour an hour a stunder. Come, John. You can't the number. 1,900. Frankfurt.

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It's Mr. Jimmy Jurgles. Hey, thank you, thank you. It's lousy to be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience. tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. Oh, what's the matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, I know. I'm working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hesbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this. It's Alpha,

scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy and I watched him kill a white rhino so he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime. Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bimp Talzer. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters, and your elderly self is going to curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that one's a sprinkler.

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Like Colin Common Sense's mother, Mrs. Havis. a positive influence on common sense's body dysmorphia whoa hey come on it's just a joke there's no truth to it it don't mean nothing about neither of us all right I don't wish I was a small frail pale man racked by consumption like that's I'm happy being big and healthy that's what I like that's what I like don't question it here's Craig Lemoyne let's move on here's Craig Lemoyne I see Dan B I see David Scholl I see Dean Costello, I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone, he loved Drown,

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You look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did But I've heard it. It's all anybody talks about Oh Back to normal O's oh It was a one-time fluke Just like all your exes say about you Elizabeth Shope Oh

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That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pengweeney. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack, I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here, he's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night.

And then he's gonna go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's gonna do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff O'Raskey, John McCam, and I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man. Everyone can smell it.

Even your wife there next to you. She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life, because she don't know. She's worth 10 of you, because she's, too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry there was again. That's, uh, that's weird. I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got, I got, I got Joseph Searle's here, I got Josh S, I got Joshua Graves, I got Justin B, I got Ken Paisley, I got K&M, Hey K&M, your AI girlfriend called, just kidding. No she didn't. Oh, there we go,

That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay. Okay, we got Camusus. We got KVH. We got Lane Haygood. We got Lisa Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. M. Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd, mercenary Sissadman, Michael Lair, A-Moju, you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things, they just, they just haunt you.

Uh, Mort, I got Mort here, I got Mr. Bob Gray, I got ND, what does ND stand for? Non-descript? Oh! That one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey, Neil Bailey liked that, oh, right? Right? Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff, am I right? Ha ha ha, I hate that stuff. He loves it though. Neil Schaefer, I got Neku 104, I got Nick Levino, I got Obsolete over here. Now Obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it, obsolete.

Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Ornery Weevil. I got Ozzy Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Pee Weas uncle. I got Rebrandrew.

I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria.

I got Russell Baum. I got Sam Kopnick, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase, I got seed over here. Hey, Space Jam fan, now this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little mole on and he's like, ooh, that's me. That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you, I know that's how you are. Hey, spotty reception, a super knot, Tater's Tales, Thomas Cavatzos, oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man?

You take one look at him and you just know. You just know. This guy, this guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas. I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G., Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now, Booster, I see you.

I got you. I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just. praying some big strong man comes along and calls one of your quips ribald that's you that's what you hope happens that has nothing to do with me i can just see it on your face wailing russell evan

clapham zach and eva i'm looking at john dean here and i just know this guy sees old-timey fops and dandies and movies and he don't know he don't know are they a german thing are they french or english or something Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all? But that don't matter to John Dean, because every time he sees them boys minson and Pranton, he thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes, and he becomes an insult comic, because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern day man equivalent is of that. But it just doesn't, it's just unfulfilled, you know.

it doesn't it's not enough for John Dean he thinks he's like I'm Oscar Wilde up here you know telling it like it is and everybody everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty and it never quite happens that way does it John Dean it's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a real being a fop with a savage wit I see you John Dean all over your face man it's all over your face that you wish that that was what you were that's you that's what that's what that That's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it man. Oh