The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 261, Deadliest Warrior WEAPONS EDITION with Eddie Doty

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

Remember the DOGGZZONE's very first episode? Remember the 2025 movie, Weapons? Ok. This is like that if you combined the two, but replaced all the witches' children with a GI Joe Action Pack Accessories kit... but less lethal. Join us as we welcome back Eddie Dotty to revisit the Deadliest Warrior!

9,000, the official podcast for 1,900 Hot Dog, the last comedy website. We're funded entirely by Patreon. Go to it and subscribe at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. You get daily articles by the world's leading funny people. We'll even email them right to you. It's like the good old days. When we had websites, people love it. I'm Sean May be from the internet.

And my partner was a stand-in-reserve backup dancer for the International Hunk Act, Liquid Buns. He's a novelist and a Robert. He's a Robert Rockway. I killed so many hunks and I never got on. stage. It's just, there's no justice. Here's a Brockway fact. On three separate occasions, I have defeated an overweight ninja in a nunchuck battle. No follow-up questions. No need. Our guest is a producer, editor, and cruddy man. He is my old and dear friend, Eddie Doty. Hi, hey, how you doing?

I was going to try to do a hi-ah. It kind of came out. It kind of stumbled out the gate right there. It sounded almost like pirate-injasons. I think, uh, yeah, I would say that's accurate. We can take it again. You want to come in with like a hi-a? Leave it now. It's okay. A key eye, maybe a ch'o. I always like a nice, ch'o. Actually, I was going to say, my, there's, not to have buried the lead on this one, there's a moment in this episode that we're about to review

that completely reminded me of your article on Fred Eddish, Sean, and there's like a, you had taken the photo of Fred Edish during, like, the weakest leg kick ever, and the sound you made Fred Edish say was, and then like you put a little sound effect by the impact and just said, in like the tiniest, font ever. And to the day, me and my wife will always just say, think, do one another. I was like a little

in joke there. That's funny. That was like a cracked article. My first M.A. cracked article about oh shit moments in M.A. Very, obviously, it spent my whole life doing the research for that. I was very excited to write M.A. And it went pretty viral. And I remember you found that morning, Fred Eddish himself like, God damn it, this fucking shit again. Like people have been making fun of him for years over getting the shit kicked out of it at UFC too. Every time he thinks it dies, somebody sends it back to him. But that dude at like 52 years old came back and got a pro fight and won the pro fight and he's such a sad old man. He's like, yeah, and the fucking guy, like, he had to take a fight with Fred Eddish and that's a no win situation. You win, you fucking beat the worst

guy UFC ever had. And you lose. You lost to Fred Edish. It's like, God damn. It's too self-aware. But good for him. Good for him. Let's do some plugs. Yes. Brockway, is there anything you legally have to plug? Hi, yes. I am legally obligated to promote my new book.

I will kill your imaginary friend for $200. I'm so legally obligated. That's why I'm on this podcast, even though I'm still fucking sick for meeting Sean's kids one time. The book comes out on the far distant date of January 27th, 2026, which is, holy shit, it's next week. Time's fucking crazy. time is nuts. Go to bookshop.org, use code Robert 15 for 15%

off and an exclusive bonus story that offer expires on launch day. It's only a pre-order thing, so go do that now if you're interested in either of those things. I have not sold, I'll level with you, I have not sold enough books to stay out of prison. We did move the

goalposts a little bit, so now it's selling enough books to have a hot plate in my prison cell so I can have ramen every once in a while. We we are not going to sell enough books for that hot plate folks. We're moving the goalposts again. So if we can just, if we can just come together and sell enough books for one Rice Krispy treat per week from the commissary, I won't use my extensive blackmail portfolio to take down

the site, to take down Eddie, to take down Sean, to take down all your favorite comedians. One Rice Krispy Treat a week, that's all I'm asking. We can do that. We can do those numbers. I've checked. I've cleared it with the lawyers. only if you go pre-order it right now and save us, save all of us from me. Thank you. I'm so excited that your book's going to be in the wild, even though you'll obviously be behind bars.

It is already, like a little inside baseball. Like we normally record several weeks in advance, but because of the holiday break and because both Sean and me got sick, we're now recording this on January 18th. This is the closest we've ever come from, you know, recording to run date. and right now I'm getting people saying from all over sending me pictures of the book it's out in the wild like in stores it might be you're a Barnes & Noble or whatever so go look Eddie what do you got to plug in the theme of combat and deadlyism and warriorism my company compadra I'm the former creative director there

we just did the entire graphic package for UFC resolutions which will be I think it's already on the air at on Paramount Plus right now so that was a fun little thing we got to do right at the end of the year. Got to, you know, go out to Vegas and work with the entire UFC team there, which is super fun.

And we're, I can talk about it, even though it's not out yet, but it should be out soon. We're doing the whole, uh, ringside reports for WW2K 26. So we're doing a whole fleet of videos for WV2K

about the upcoming game, which I got to say, I mean, this isn't just like, it looks kind of sick. Like the amount of like, customization and like just, the amount of just like crazy,

uh, you know, impossible time anachronisms you can have with, what wrestlers fighting who and what does what. It's pretty, there's a lot of depth there for sure. So keep an eye out for those. All right. I already plugged our website.

I got nothing to plug. So one of the great things about running a podcast is you get to declare what you're talking about. And today I declare we are talking about the deadliest warrior again. This is the episode where the dumbest idiots on TV thought, what if a Maori warrior fought a shell and monk? It is a crime we ever took this off the air. Can you imagine the matchup?

we'd be getting after 17 years because, like, this was episode 7. They're already doing fucking, I don't know, New Zealander versus Buddhist monk. I think, like, we'd be getting, like, orthodontists versus badminton at this point. They'd be, like, looking around the studio, like, shit, I don't know, suitcase against caterer?

I'm out of ideas. Yeah. Chandler Bing versus an F-14. Chandler Bing. Chandler Bing. One of the deadliest words in history. Goodness, Spider-Jet, B. more antiquated?

Ah, that really cuts it to the core. Yeah, it's amazing that this, they ran out of ideas this heart so early. Yeah, I love it. That's my favorite part of the show is the flailing insanity. Last time we talked about it, we did Ninja versus Spartan, which is like, fuck yeah. Like, what a matchup.

And that really demonstrated that, like, oh, they're going to run out fast, because you can't reuse these, right? Or maybe that's what they would have done if they kept going, because I would like to see both those guys fight lots of other people, maybe a big tournament. I brought that up because I do want to talk about, if you remember, the ninjas in that show were like a stunt guy and just a real studious ninjitsu nerd.

And then they gave those guys like these Kalabunga Ninja toys and told them to pierce bronze armor with their fucking numjucks or whatever. And then the Spartans, they gave fucking United, or UFC light heavyweight champion Chuck Ladell, and they gave him like a sword gauntlet. It was not fair, is my point. And so we spent a lot of time making fun of the ninjas. And then the ninja stuntman wrote to me. His name is Michael Lear.

And his career has been crazy. He was in a bunch of Scott Adkins movies. He was in John Wick, Westworld. He did stunts in fucking RRR. He did, so he did fine after Chuck the Iceman, Liddell came in and broke all the ninja impact sensors. But anyway, he's a super cool guy and he did not mind we were making fun of him. He wanted to come on the show maybe to curse us with ancient ninja magic.

But we were talking on Twitter and everyone stopped using that because of the Nazis. So anyway, we're not in touch anymore. We'll do another one of these if you're still listening. Find a different. Find a non-Nazi communication method. I've just checked. There aren't any. Maybe just come over.

Just come over. We're on the white pages. Just give us a look up. Get a bird that looks chill and send it. Oh, hell yeah. I would love a ninja bird message. Here's the, I took down a clip of the intro just to give you the, deadly story vibe if you're not old enough to remember a shawlin monk the ultimate kung fu killing

machine from china a maori warrior fierce unforgiving slayer of the south seas who is deadliest definitely historically accurate everyone knows buddhist monks are the deadliest kungfu killers the first episode where, because again, like, it started off decently enough, the series, like, with, like, different types of, you know, fighting, you know, classes and stuff like that. But this is, like, the first time when it's like, religion versus ethnicity. And it's just like, I don't know. It's like, I don't know if I want to feel comfortable talk about this.

Like, when they first introduced to this and they, they, what's great is that they decide how big the guys are. They're like, Jeline Muck, he's five full. with seven. You're like, well, how did you determine that? He's 145 pounds. You're like, he needs to eat a little bit more. Yeah. Well, I guess that's not, you know, in vibe with the whole thing. But then they decide, you know, the Maori guy's obviously a bit bigger, but not as big as I would assume. And I was like, okay, well, I'm going to give it to the Maori guy, like, if this is just going to come down to size. But then they, they do the same thing as, as they did with

the Spartan versus Ninja one, where they're like, okay, they're, vastly different levels of technology we're going to give each of these people. Exactly. That's the thing. It's like, it's like they clearly went pre-Western contact the Mauris, and yet they're like, oh, Shaolin's who have, you know, steel smelting abilities. It's like, it's not, it's not even like,

even though they're both in like cloth armor. It's like, it's like we're dealing with like significantly different levels of technology here. It's like they think that just because they're both like melee, like, you might as well, but they're like, man, putting stone and wood weapons up against steel is like famously through all of history that has been a massive technology gulf

that leads to the people with the wood weapons dying a lot. Yeah, the Maori warriors are like glue in seashells together and the shell and the Shal and monks are like ordering shit from Black Belt magazine and it's not fair. Oh, I've got something to say about that

when we get to the hook swords, believe me. I'm jumping ahead, sorry. We can, yeah, we are kind of jumping ahead, but they do comment here that like the Shaolin Monkees is a skilled master, of martial arts and its most lethal steel weapons. And I had some comments on that that, no, they're not. Like, they have, they fight with like a thin slice of crowbar

and a sword that'll bounce off and wobble for an hour if it hits your neck wrong. Like, they fight almost exclusively with weapons. Jackie Chan has to slap you with 30 times to kill you. And I've verified this with 70 movies, which is way more research than the people who made this show dead. Like, you're like, oh, you just saw that in movies. Like, these guys also just saw this shit in movies.

That's what we're dealing. These are not experts on lethal murders. They sure introduce them like it, though. My favorite is that they cut right out of that intro and they go, this is the fight lab. And it's just a bunch of guys fighting in a lab. Yep. It's just like 10 people fighting in a lab.

Like this is all day for them. Like they just fight and write something down and then fight some more. I kicked that rubber head. Six out of 10. Put that in the spreadsheet. Okay. So we've got a 35 pound weight disadvantage for the Shalin Monk. and they do kind of hit on something that I don't think

it's considered a lot in hypothetical combat, which is when one side really wants the other dead. Like a maniac with enough murder in his heart, I don't think has to be quite as good at fighting as like a skilled fighter, for instance. Because he wants to be there. He wants to be murdering. And the other guy's like, I just like fucking enjoy boxing.

What's with this maniac? So I do think having a size advantage and being a shrieking man eater is a significant bonus to the fight rather than being like a meditative Chan Buddhist or whatever. I think that's bad. I think if like you get a guy that really wants to murder you and then you give him, I don't know, like a rubber duck

and then you give yourself a gun. I think you're going to, I think technology prevails. I agree. I agree. But I would have liked to have seen that episode of Deadliest Warrior in season 17. Rubber duck versus gun? Rubber Duck Maniac versus Bored Man with God. You have to be like a solid coral belt and rubber duck in order to even just like stand a chance.

The amount of training to overcome that lead. I also think this is another one that you could just do this. Like Shal and Monks and Maori are not extinct. Like you can have Mark Hunt rush the stage during a traveling Shal and Monk show. Just see how many he could take out with the tooth club. A real scientist would have done that. That would look like, I can tell you how it would look. It would look like the fucking intro to Fellowship of the Ring when Sauron is just like whack and L.

like halfway across the field. It would look like a bowling in like scattering. Dynasty Warriors. Yeah, totally Dynasty Warriors. Devil may cry with Mark Hunt. Just in case people didn't see the show or listen to our first podcast, let's talk about our fucking deadliest warrior scientist to run the fight lab. We got Jeff and he is a biomedical scientist and karate black belt.

He's... I think biomedical scientist is one of the... those things that's like you've added too many things and now it means nothing. Yep. If you would said you were a medical scientist, if you would said you were like a biological scientist or something, but if you say you're a biomedical scientist, I'm like, you're making that up. It's like calling an IT guy, a computronical technician.

Yeah, you're like, no, now I don't believe you know. I don't think you know what a computer is. Yeah, exactly. His job is he puts the sensors in the jail dummies and then he's like, well, if that was real head getting split in half like that could cause trauma, possibly even death. Then there's Armand, and he's an ER physician who doesn't know karate, but he's also pretty good at telling when, like, a big sword wound would have hurt. So he's kind of got the same job. It has no martial arts, like, theme to him. And then, of course, there's computer whiz,

Max Geiger. You got to say it the whole thing every time. He entered into Microsoft Excel, and they never figured out how to dress that up like anything else. He is just typing stab numbers into balk columns. They show you the Excel sheet. It's just a cube. It's just a screensaver. Here's how they, he describes what they're doing today. These two warriors have never met in history, which means that the battle that will be

taking place today in this machine is unique. Battle within the machine. For the Maori side, the first guy they introduced is a dude named Seamus Fitzgerald, and he's got a full Polynesian face tattoo. and at the risk of stating the obvious, Seamus Fitzgerald, you can just fucking change your name, buddy. You can,

if you've got like no face-colored face left and your job is Maori weapons history, just call yourself a fuck shirk. You can just... You could just be, oh, mate, I'm fucking fuck shot. The introduction, like, it's such a good laugh

so early in the show to be like, our first Maori expert, Seamus Fitzgerald. Yeah, I laughed out loud so hard. It's like, I don't think that he's, kind of blood quantum nonsense. And certainly there's tons of like Pacifica people who have like, you know, westernized names because of like colonization and shit like that. But it's like, god damn it, at least do like what a lot of like Native American historians do, which is like add

your, add your, your, your tribal name in the middle of your name or something. Sure. You know, give me, give me something Pacifica in the middle of Seamus Fitzgerald for Christ. Invent a nickname that day. Like, hey, I'm Shamis Fitzgerald. But you know, it doesn't sound very Maori. Let's like come up with something cool for the show. Just give me a nickname. Like there's a guy named Greg Patchell Who teaches Hawaiian karate Yeah he just he just He's in the Kazja

Fucking done I was just on the MMA history podcast a couple weeks ago And we Kaja came up And I brought up the fact that Because Kaja used to also run Early Proto M&A shows here in Southern California And he called it

Swear to fucking God Kaja's cage combat All beginning with K And I'm like Bro you could have You could have workshop that name just a little bit I can't believe that didn't catch on. They explain that Seamus is a sixth degree master of Mao Teha.

And it's a genuine jump scare when they show that he can't do stick karate. And also, the fake tattoo is a fake. Like, he just drew that shit on for like five minutes of one B-roll. He has a normal human head. Normal human head named Seamus Fitzgerald. I don't trust him for a lot of reasons. his partner is named Jared Wohongi, and he's a special forces instructor and SWAT operator.

And he explains that Maori warriors did take a lot of pleasure in taking the life of their enemies. I do trust this guy a little more, but that doesn't sound quite right. Yeah, it sounds like to me it's like he has a legitimate, like, you know, like tier two operator. It's real world experience. And he's actually like Maori,

which I think is, which to the show's producers was like the most qualified man on Earth. Not necessarily a historian, though, probably just like whatever tales his uncle told him. You know, like that's probably the breadth, the depth of his historical knowledge. Yeah, I think he's watched a few people die. For sure. For sure. For sure.

Sure. But not because of a stingray spear, you know? He wishes. They also got a guy named Salah Baker, and he's kind of the star of the Maori team. He is so into this shit. Tong out Haka dancing the whole time. He doesn't even say shit about Maori history. Those two guys are like, oh, here's a lot of this.

how the Maori people behave. This guy's like, you fucking come at me, you want disrespect me, you disrespect my family? Oh, son, that's when the warrior comes out. Like he has nothing to do with culture or history. He's just fucking little league dad. Every single other person on the show, when they do

all of their like little interviews in and around like, you know, their reactions to what have just happened, their explanations, their techniques and weapons. Everybody talks about it, an objective sense in the third person. They're like, the Shaolin Monk would have this this sort of training.

Shal and Monk would use these weapons. Every time they cut to Sala, he's like, I'll fucking kill you. I'll eat you. I will eat part of you after I defeat you, and then I will shit you back out. And they're like, okay, you know you're, you personally aren't going to fuck these guys up, right? You're not going to, you're going to, because he doesn't know that. He's looking at the Shalind guys across the room, and he's screaming like, I'm going to kill those guys. No, no, that's not the show.

That might be a better show, but that's not the show. It sometimes is. Sometimes the trash talk goes a little too far and they get murdery. Like the Ninja Spartan episode had some of that. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. What is you going to do to me?

And I'm weirdly making it personal. Like, I'm in this thing. Yeah. I'm going to sneak into your house, Chuck the Iceman Liddell, and kill you with ninja magic. So the thing about the Maori warriors, they have a kind of a unique level-up mechanic. I will let the show explain this. If I'm ready to kill someone, you can cut my armor if I will still get to you. The Maori fought fiercely for spiritual power that they called mana.

The way that mana was built was on the battlefield. A warrior tried to kill the most prestigious warrior of an enemy tribe because it was through those actions that they were able to build the mana for themselves. And not just for themselves, but for their ancestors, whose spirits were believed to live on within their weapons. After killing an enemy, the Māori engaged in an elaborate ritual to obtain additional mana from their foes. Sometimes they cook and ate them.

You'd eat part of them, and that would be consuming mana in the highest degree. I was Seamus Fitzgerald with the darkest boner. Like, he is so excited to talk about preparing a delicious human meal. He does have, like, a weird, kind of like, stale half smile, as he's saying, the whole thing, that he sort of maintains. Oh, God. It is a wild energy to bring.

to what is like, we're going to simulate battles and you're like, well, if I eat enough enemy sergeants, then I can, like, cast Ancester Storm or something like. Right. I don't know how to put that in the computer. I don't think, like, it doesn't fit in the Excel cell here.

Put this in your computer ass, so, I'm going to eat one of them Chinese fellas. It makes the cube and blender is suddenly a multi-dimensional polygon. You have awoken me. Special shout out to David Wenham here because, like, as the series progresses, his, like, forced 300 accent gets, like, even worse in the narration. And, like, he's on his way towards sounding like a troll under a bridge, like, the further the series goes.

Eat the mana. So anyway, they got ancestor ghost magic in their weapons. They eat you after they kill you and that, like, gives them extra XP. They seem very overpowered. I am just pissed. They didn't put that into, like, the weapons. Like, make that one of the categories. They just said this crazy shit.

Make the Chal Lin guy say like whatever my spirituality is and then put that in the fucking computer. See what the computer sets. The way I understand that is if you kill a guy, you get like, I don't know, say 10, 15% of his power goes into your weapon. So like you just powered up your weapon. Right. I think your spreadsheet. Yeah, your spreadsheet should reflect that. Computer Wizmax Geiger.

Or like maybe a Final Fantasy 7 materia that you can just slot into your Buster sword. Yeah, but it's like Chad. You slot Chad into your Buster sword. Yes. Man, I already got Kat. I need a new drop now. Looking for a Greg. God damn it.

Team Shailin, they have a guy named Eric Chen. He's a kung fu master and historian. As the narrator says, it's a master of Wushu, the Chinese art of war. Is that how you would describe Wushu, Eddie? No. Not even a little. Wushu is like, it's like the, it's like the Walmart,

art sampler of like Chinese martial arts. It's, it's, it's, it's a modern martial art that's like a conglomeration of like styles of southern and northern Shaolin, mostly northern Shaolin, mostly northern Shaolin demonstrated for show. It's like the only official martial art that like you're allowed to practice that like reflects kind of flu internationally, but like based on the Chinese government. It's like it's not, it's fine. It's totally fine. It's a great performative thing, but it's definitely not what the monks were doing in the, in the temples and shit like that. Not, not even a little bit. And this is not me, like, flexing on my experience.

This is a goddamn Google search. This is, like, the first thing you learn when you're studying Chinese martial arts history. And I appreciate your knowledge, but, Jamie, I want to cut all that, and let's replace it with Chinese art of war. Sorry. One of them is, I mean, you can see how one of them is better for a TV show. Yeah. There are Northern Stallon styles that, like, look equally as, uh, like more authentic and like equally, uh,

as impressive visually for sure. And again, I'm just, I'm biting my tongue until it bleeds. This is what we talk about these goddamn swords. But like, it's just, it's just one of those things where it's like, it's like there's so much you could do like the things that are iconically Kung Fu that you would see in Kung Fu movies that still exist from like the 70s are not Wushu, just by and large.

Uh, so Eric Chen, they show him doing some, and again, you'd be a much better judge of this. I would say some real low energy beginner moves and even Max Geiger's like, is that all you're bringing? Like, you're fighting three maniacics.

with cannibal boners over here. But this guy seems like a real, yeah. Eric Chen feels like a real gentle guy to me. Like his main abilities are souffle and saving wrapping paper. Like this guy is maybe a bad choice to go up against the Maori cannibals. Anyway, the next guy's named Wong Wei, and he's there to, quote, test the team's flexible weapons. He's also a Wushu guy, and he is going fucking crazy with a chain whip.

Good stuff from him. The other guy's named Alfred Singh. And he's a Shaolin historian. He says that the Shaolin will dominate with their technique and training, but little does he know there's not a fucking box for that. In the computer with Max Geiger's spreadsheet. We have some predictions here. I'll play this.

There's no question that the Shaolin monks will win the battle. They have superior skill. You're not a Shaolin monk's going to stop. It may stab me or hurt me. You're sure. But if you get that close to me, great. because now it's my turn to rip your head off. Our experts are divided

on which warrior will be the victor. I think Shaolin Monk is overrated, frankly. I think we've been lied to by a lot of Hollywood movies, and so because of that, I'm going to go with the unexpected, the fresh and the new, the Maui Warrior. The unexpected, fresh and the new, entire nation of people that have been around for thousands of years. I just want to stop you real quick here, Sala.

If I let you go, you're not going to attack those guys, right? We understand the show now. You're not, you personally aren't going to kill those guys. No. No. No. My God. I love that he called the Shal and Monks overrated.

He's like, I don't think those fucking movies are true, man. It's so funny. It's like Galaxy Quest treating them as like historical documents of like, right? Listen, I saw, I saw Fist of the White Lotus. I saw a master of the flying guillotine. or you can't stretch your limbs out like that in real life. Like, it's, it's just nuts.

But I did see American in Shaolin, and that's true. You can. That's a documentary. You can turn their Buddhism around with American pranks and rock and roll attitude. So let's get to the weapons. The twin hooks is what we start with, and this is a razor shop, hand held arson. So here's the thing about the twin hooks. It stabs.

It slashes. It blocks, it bradles, it broils, it daggers. It does everything. This was a really funny demonstration because Eric did like a sweet teck and combo with his twin hooks, like to demonstrate how you can just spin and slash. And then when it's time to like tornado through a pig, he just kind of goes, eh, take that. It's a real letdown.

They do love it though. Max Geiger, when he fucks up the pig, he goes, pork chops. And I cannot believe they left it in. I'm waiting for the for the sound clip you took of the of the doctor. I'm not sure I did. No, you're not going to play. This is filet of human body. I considered, I considered, but like, to what end?

I wanted people to enjoy the deadliest warrior. And like, there's moments like that where you're like, God, fucking damn it. This sucks. Filet of human body. Immediately the doctor had to be like, a cut. Can you, don't put that one. I think it's crazy because like these guys, so many of their guys come in with bully energy. Like the Maori guys want to eat them.

And then like even the Shaolin guys are kind of getting into it. Like no, fuck you are Kung Fu's awesome. And then they have these three nerds here who are just like pork chops filet of a battee. And you're like, oh, God, you're going to get bullied. What are you bringing? Nerd. Not you, Max Geiger. I know you put shit in that Excel sheet.

You're cool. Yeah. Yeah. There are these other guys. Imagine a world where when I was 10. I drew a picture of a super tough army soldier shooting a chainsaw cannon. A cannon that fires chainsaws, right? Awesome.

Now imagine pretty sick, right? Now imagine 800 years goes by. There's no recollection of like history from this time. Somebody sees that drawing and goes, well, clearly soldiers fired guns that have chainsaw cannons. That is the history of the hook sword. There is not one like, like of a weapon supposedly made of steel. There is not one, like, ancient one that ever existed. There's a drawing somewhere that dates back to, like, the 1700 or to 1700s.

Well, and they're like, oh, well, clearly. And basically there was a guy, forget his name, but he's been an extra in some Hollywood movies. He also designs a lot of, like, prop weapons. He saw this drawing and went, oh, clearly they used it. And so he made the hook swords and, like, sold him in Black Belt Magazine. And then somewhere along the way, we just sort of like, there's like a cultural delusion that, like, these things were real. they existed and Shaolin monks used them when they looked like they were drawn by a toddler because

they probably were like they were just they were just the most practically ineffective weapons I've ever seen in my life somebody said like oh the the hooks are meant to take out the the hos of a horse and it's like then what the hell else is the rest of this thing for because this thing does not look like it looks like a child's idea of violence that is my that's my rant on the fucking that's I love it uh that's what's overpowered on the show well the computer would like to disagree with you. Exactly. See, what the cheat code is here is that

it does too many things. It does all the stabs and hooks and bongs and blocks. And so Max Geiger's just put filling the fucking spreadsheet with shit and then you go up against a different weapon that like pokes. And he's like, well, fucking I don't care what your poke rating is. This thing has 20 stats.

And I think that's the key to winning the show. If any like, you know, ancient people want to be represented well on deadliest warrior. That's, that's the key. Anyway, there's this a thing he does where he hooks them together to do like a super long double hook sword swing.

And this fucking rules it like gives a gaping liver wound to the gel torso. And even the hawka guy saw like, he comes up and he's like, oh, this is kind of sweet. He like, he like mean mugs it like it bumped his car in the parking lot. Like, oh, I'm going to, you fucking liver wounds. Oh, wait until you see what I got for, you, son of a bitch. I love the energy of the show. So Sala is like, yeah, dude, the twin hooks is so kick-ass, but you make the tiniest mistake. And of course, he'll rip your head off.

That's what he says. I think it's the second or third time he's talked about ripping someone's head off. Here comes the Maori weapons. They list them off. Number one, stingray spear. This is, as dumb as this is going to sound, what it sounds like, it's a pokey little stick with a bunch of stingray tails, like, stuck on the top. barely stuck on the top barely fucking attached this thing

yeah nice nice work they go out of their way to mention that it's a one-time use weapon like fucking like finding a shitty stick in something then they also show

the others here the Mayre club I guess we'll talk about this later yeah but anyway the Maori get like just a pile of very breakable bonk sticks in sharp debris and the Shaolin

get like forged to steal weapons. Anyway, let's talk about the stingray spear. Like I say, it's like a writing crop with some stingray tails poking out of it. The narrator screams, the serrated spines would call organizing death. And so they demonstrate

by having the crazy guy poke a gel torso. They all break off instantly. And they all agree, this would suck. But then the physician's like, yeah, but this wouldn't kill you. You spend all day ripping stingrays out of you. You'd be really annoying, but like, yeah, you wasted your time building that. So Sala's like, I want another try, which is, I would say, the one fucking thing this weapon can't do. You get one shot at this. He's like, anyway. Okay, did you bring another?

I just, I need seven hours to craft it. Anyway, he pokes it up into the ribcage and they concede, okay, fine, that one would kill somebody, fine. They concede that because, and this is where I think the Maori make a really good show is, I think Sala at this point realizes that the judges and hosts of this show are weenies. And so he's just going to straight up intimidate them. So he stabs that spear into the jail torso. It's less about the damage than the way he stands like six feet over that doctor and makes him look like a little tiny boy.

The doctor's like, yes, and it does appear to be fatal. Boy, boy, that is a deadest jail torso I've ever seen. The Shaolin monks are like, that looks like little splinters. And they also make the point that the Shaolin monk would get out of the way. And I think that's a fair point because it took this guy too tries to kill shot a stationary torso. And like, okay, I'd hate to get poked by the dumb fish stick. Agreed. But this weapon sucks in all of Maori history should be ashamed.

I'm just reading what it says here in my battle simulator. I'm sorry. So yeah, easy choice. They're like, twin hooks wins. Jeff also makes the, I think, pretty good point, if not obvious, that you could knock all the dumb stingray splinters off by like blocking it just with anything. Or like, I would think a lot of them would fall out on the jog to the fight. Yeah, and then you have to go hunt and harvest several more stingrays. You have to go into your inventory and combine them with stick.

Like that's all the same. Yep, exactly. And you've got a farm stingray all day. You have your 12-hour cooldown of crafting, yeah. Exactly. But this is, I was talking. about this earlier, how the versatility of the hook sword gives them too much to talk about. So they're all like, oh, my God, the versatility. So like, if you had, if you gave a guy a gun

and computer whiz, Max Geiger saw it, he'd say, okay, that has a shoot rating of 10, but this Swiss Army knife has a wine opener and scissors. I could scale fish. I have to go with a tiny knife over the gun because of the sheer versatility. Like, that's their logic. Yeah. So. Good only has 10 bullets. After that, it's useless. Exactly. Bring your most complicated weapons, ancient warriors. Again, that's my point. So they talk about the Maori ancestors and tattoos and how all this ghost power makes them extra powerful. But then the monks are like, we have brands on our arm from those weird hot cauldron thing we do. So again, it's all kind of a wash.

It's hard to say who has more magic powers. But then Sala breaks the tie by saying they're little, we're big. And a great point. I got to agree with that. Yeah, I got it. Weight classes exist for a reason. I don't think computer Wismax Geiger put that in the spreadsheet. Because some brings that up quite a lot

And I will argue that is pretty important And I don't think I don't think Computer Wids Max Geiger Ever put that in there I don't think he put little in Shaolin I don't think he put big in the Maui Column I just had a vision of computer Wisemaz Max Geiger trying to create a new column

And value for size And then just every other number on the charge Just hitting hashtag ERR Like it just breaks the entire tactile Okay we got the next round of weapons And Eddie I do not even need your expert to know this, but the, the, the, M.I. Piercers is what they have next. And these are these fucking knitting needles on fidget spinners that from Big Trouble Little China and nowhere else. Yep.

Nowhere else. And even then, you needed lightning powers. The lightning powers were what made those cool. Yeah. So the guy who created the hooks for it's, or when I say create, I don't want to like, again, I'm sure someone's going to like say, no, there was one copy that existed in the 17, Like, whatever. But like the guy, the actor who, and I used to know his name by heart, I'm pissed off if he couldn't remember it now. But the guy who like repopularized those and recrafted those was in as an extra of Big Trouble and Little China. So literally it's just whatever stunt guy who trained under him, it's whatever weapons they had just laying around Big Trouble and Little China. I'm willing to bet.

Yes. If a single monk, here's my statement. If a single monk ever got a kill with a fidget spinner, I will eat 50 sting rice beers. That's like my fucking pledge. You're still probably going to be okay. But still, yeah. But you have to hear these geniuses go to work explaining how awesome these stupid little motorcycle spokes are as weapons. It's fucking rules.

Check these out. These are the A-Daggers or A-M-A piercers. They're double-sided, very light and easily concealable. So you just basically bring them out, start spinning them as a form of distraction, and then use the other hand to strike. Well, that makes a lot of sense because vision is most sensitive to motion. It gets a lot of blood on it. So this does help wipe off some of the blood

and lubricate it. So it goes into the target a lot easier. Oh, fuck. Jesus fucking Christ. Vision is, does, movement is good for vision to see. Yes. That was the expert. That was the biomedical.

Yeah, was the biomedical scientist, karate black belt. And then he's like, okay, and also, they dry themselves off, but also they're still wet. So that's a lubricant. The dry wetness of the, it's the dumbest fucking shit. The wetness makes them stab better. It's a blood is actually a stab lubricant is what he fucking said.

And the biomedical engineer is like, that makes sense because moving is a part of vision. What are we doing? At what point do you lose your title as expert? Like at what point when you say something, does somebody just come away and just yank your status quo? How dumb a thing are you allowed to say? So the monk goes over and just starts poking the skull of the jail tour. So he skewers out its eyes and just goes crazy on it. The Maori guys are like, hey, not fucking bad.

But I looked at this and thought, this is a child's temper tantrum. But these guys are like, this guy's a deadly warrior. The doctors agree. They're like, the amount of trauma is devastating. This guy has like 15 pokes in his head. So Sala says they got a weapon, does twice a damage half the time. And he could mean anything because anything is better than a fucking barbecue you skewer as a weapon. But what they bring out is adorable. It is the merry club. It is like a

it is like a little gift shop of a paperweight. This is, it's a jade sheet horn. It's like a gift you'd give a dentist who shoots lions. It is the stupidest little fucking thing. Maybe I'm wrong. Eddie, you know more about Polynesian culture. Have you ever seen a, here's the thing. There are a greater selection of weapons, which they do get to. It's not like, It's not like they hit the bottom of the barrel and then like came up with this. Like there's a ton of, there's a ton of like better examples. And here's the other thing is that like, Shaolin, that word is doing a lot of work. Like in terms of like, as we've, as we're seeing in terms of like the breadth of it,

you could easily go like make Maori in like some sort of pan Pacifica, you know, warrior and like draw from like Fijian like decapitation clubs. And like, you know what I mean? Like there's no shortage of like really incredible like Pacific. weapons made out of like incredibly strong oak strength wood. Oh yeah. I fought to the death in Waikiki a few times. I know I know some of those.

You know what's up. You know what's up. I actually did get him if I'm going to fight with him. Anyway, that's a separate story. But no, like, it's, there's, they're not, it's crazy how they're giving, like, Shaolin such a broad, like, spread of, like, possible possibilities when it comes of the weapons, but they're being incredibly narrow when it comes to, like, the Maori guys.

So it's like, they, I don't know why they chose this out of, out of anything. that Dakota possibly had. It's a good skipping rock. Like if you if you saw it, you're like, oh, that's a nice rock. As Sala explains, it's an honor to die by it because it's passed down by ancestors. And his is like this cute little paddle with the price tag still on it. It's like, I don't, I don't think your ancestors own that, pal. So if you remember, they, they tested the barbecue skewers by poking a gooey head. And so in order to test the little paddle, he slaps an old cow skull in half because that's how scientists compare things. Now, we say old cowskill, you need to picture like from an Arizona gift shop.

Like, sun age just networked with cracks. Like, they put it on there and they're huge pieces missing. And it's clearly just brittle as shit. And they're like, now this is a scientific test of killing power. It's like not even a sixth graders understanding of science. And it's one of my favorite things in the show. I've talked about this last time we did the show. There's no control group.

There could be. You could go up and hit the fucking. and jail torso with a paddle, and then you'd know which one does more damage to the number. They also tested on some thin bricks, but first they try it with a bowie knife. They're like, hey, guy, you want your paddle to look cool? Here, try it with a bowie knife. He's like, oh, darn, the bowie knife only got one brick. Then they give him the paddle. He fucking hits it as hard as he can. He's like, look, three bricks. Paddle better than knife. I feel like they needed a blindfold him or something because he was a little motivated to have one side win.

I was so astonish when the, when the bowie knife went through one brick. Because it's just about mass and like you stabbed through it's a really thin brick but you stabbed through a brick like man it's pretty good that's pretty good i would not i would not have won that bet i feel like if you did that 15 times that knife breaks off the handle and kills one of the doctors if i did it once if i did it one time the knife would break off the handle and kill me yes it's a real dangerous experiment um jeff thinks that the big flat rock is better than the dumb knitting needle and yeah i i think I agree. Yeah.

This was not much of a competition. They do some hakas and talk more about the rich culture as they understand it. I have a clip. When the tongue is protruded, basically it was an insult. You know, you're telling your enemy, after I kill you, I'm going to eat you. Worst thing you could ever do to somebody would be to turn them into human feces. Oh, my God.

Sheabess. Right there. Put that in the Excel sheet computer, Wismax Geiger. Yep. Let me just make the poop formula on the Excel sheet here. Like that's where, come on, that's on the technology tree, turning your opponent into human feces has got to be right up there with steel weapons. That's how you win settlers in Catan. Yeah, I'd be lied for that.

You trade the thief for poop. No, it's like, here's the thing. I'm not an expert, but like I know. enough to know, this guy's like just wrong about like everything. Like it's just like this. It's not even like, it's not even close to like the true origins of, uh, of Haka or like the, the tongue thing I know has nothing to do with that. Like it's, it's, oh my God. I love it so much because like most people I think would clock Seamus Fitzgerald with a fake face tattoo as like a poser. And like as he starts talking like, oh, oh dude, how did he talk them into, how did he talk anyone into putting him on this

show. Like, it's fucking incredible. The next round, the weapons are staff for Shell and Monk. And they kind of agree that, like, it's cool. He's good with a staff, but it wouldn't kill you to get bonked by his staff. But the ER doctor explains that he knows from boxing that as you get hit many times by things that don't kill you, sometimes that trauma adds up. It can still have ill effects on the human body to get killed, to get punched by things. it doesn't kill you. I guess it's the point. That's a different guy than the guy that said

that's interesting because sometimes vision can detect movement. Like these are different guys giving their expertise and that many bongs can sometimes equal one big bong. It's like, well, if you grab this weapon too many times, you will get arthritis in your fingers. You were not a doctor. Put that in the spreadsheet, Max. And the Maori in this round get Taya ha, which is a club on one end and a knife on the. the other. It's like a step, but... That's a legitimate weapon. That's a legitimate weapon. Yeah. This would hurt and kill you

and it does like twice as many things as a staff, so we already know it's going to win. They go over to a couple racks of ribs and their special forces, guys smash us right through them and yeah, we've all made ribs. They break apart under the fierce strength of human hand. And so here's what happens during shit like this. Like he goes over and does nothing impressive to these ribs. And now they argue about who would win in a fight because nothing they

meant anything even to the people who designed the test. So it's not like, do you know what I'm trying to say? Like, nothing has been solved. Right. They do a thing to test a thing and then they end up in the same argument they were in before they did the test because the test meant nothing and everyone involved in the test knows it meant nothing. I was trying out that moment reminded me of like that podcast of two AI voice bots that suddenly realized there were both AI voice bots in the middle of the podcast. And it felt like very like we're down the rabbit hole now. What is anything? mean anymore. Did Maui's ever exist? Did I ever exist?

Like, it just felt like, it just felt like the show was like having a midlife crisis in front of me. Next round is whip chain. And it says, the narrator says, five feet of segmented steel. Cept with a metal dot. And then the screen says it weighs one pound and is four feet long because this show is a real stickler for the details. Yep.

And one of the monks explained that there's a little noise thing on it so that you know where it is because you can't see it. Citation needed, I think. Well, you see, when you order it from the comic book catalog, the manufacturers had to put it on there so that kids wouldn't get, like, two of them and stuff. And he goes out and he kills a bunch of blood-filled globes with a couple of whip strikes. It's fucking cool. But then the special forces guy makes a pretty good point that if you stay back beyond its range

and then jump in really quick to where you're close to the guy with the chain whip, like he can't hit you with a chain whip. And I'm like, yeah, no, sure, fair enough. Yeah, but if we're going to do that, isn't that true of everything? Yeah, kind of. But I feel like if you have a knife and you tackle a guy, you get stabbed a lot with a knife. Whereas a chain whip, once you tackle a guy with a chain whip, you're like, all right. Well, I guess.

Well, then he still has the dart. You get out who are like badly choked them with a segment of chain. That's true. Yeah. Tiniest stabs. Yeah, you would just do a cool chain choke. Never, I'm crazy. You could still.

You could still, in the rules of this universe, that's still a weapon. Computer Wiz Max Geiger add a strangle number to the spreadsheet. Ah, my cube changed color. Ha! The Maori weapon here is a fucking pizza paddle with a bunch of shark teeth like glued onto the sides. Okay, so, yeah, that shit is real, that is a real weapon. Of course, I know. It sucks, but yeah, it's, yeah.

Because again, if the Stingray thing can come dislodge, I guarantee you shark teeth can. Yes. So they give it to Sala and he goes in and he hacks at a big haunch of beef. And they all kind of agree, oh, that would hurt. But like nothing happens. Like the meat does not fall apart. He just kind of carves into it a little, some teeth fall off. And so now they're in another argument where they're like, yeah, this didn't fucking do anything.

Who would win in this fight? And he's like, oh, I'd tear your head off. Like, dude, you couldn't get through a beef bone with your stupid paddle. You're not going to take my head off with the shattered remains of it. So it's a bad paddle. this guy's probably going to die without ripping off anyone's head, is my bet. I think they've just proven

that in a battle between a Maori warrior and a side of beef, it would be a draw. Yes. Was it here that they taped like the little weird thing to like the Bob dummy shoulder? Like I'm trying to remember like what part that was from. That might have been the staff when because they wanted to test or the or the tie aha.

They wanted to test like if you could break a collarbone with by smacking somebody in the shoulder with that's right. That's right. Yeah. Sure enough. Yeah. You can break a collarbone with a fucking stick bong. You can break your collarbone if you fall wrong or if you lose past 60.

Just it just got it at some point it'll break. Exactly. So the monk makes a good point. Like look at how hard you had a hit to do just this little chunk of meat damage. He's like, yeah, but I'm big. And they're like, right. But like, if you weren't, you couldn't do anything. You could, if you were better with anyway, they get in another argument.

But I personally am. I will kill you. I don't think these little guys get. Everybody's point is irrelevant. The Maori guys say being big and strong is the best. The Shaolin Monk say technique is better, but neither of them have a real choice on which side of the argument they have to take. Because obviously, anyway, they say the club wins, the stupid paddle wins. I don't know how they decided that. Two very different things happen. Neither one of them very impressive. Okay, I know exactly how they decided that. And that's the Salo, the Maori guy,

look straight at the biomedical engineer guy and he says, I will tear your limb off. And then within seconds, there's a little testimonial of the biomedical engineer guy going, I think we're going to give this one to them out. They recap all the weapons.

Nothing they say is useful. None of the tests help answer any questions. All of the debates are unsettled. And so now they simulate the 1,000 battles. And this is kind of the signature thing of the show, even though it's probably the worst part of the show where they enter the cyberverse and a monk fights

a Maori warrior in like a really choreographed fight. And it's kind of good. I don't know, it's better than you'd expect, I think, better than it has to be. Based solely on what we've seen so far of the show, yes. Right. The monk pulls out a rope dart, which is not even a weapon they tested. Not one of them. It's not, what are we doing? It's not one of the ones tested. The meticulously and scientifically tested weapons aren't even being used. Anyway, they go back forth. They disarm each other over and over, and it's down to Shark Tooth Battle versus Fidget Spinner, and Fidget Spinner wins.

That's how they wrote the scene. Right, because the weapons that they faced off against each other, they wound up not using that in the reenactment. And like, I get that you're going to scramble the weapons in the sheet or whatever for your thousand battles. That's why there are a thousand battles as you're doing the little combinations. But like, what was the point of the show then? Right. Because the whole show was just about this weapon versus. this weapon and then deciding what wins.

And then if you're not even going to use that in the reenactment part, what did all of the experts do? I think they determined that vision can detect movement is what we've decided. Unless you're a T-Rex. And you might be. Yeah. T-Rex versus biomedical engineer, episode 18. They see the title.

They see the title like, oh, shit. T-Rex versus computer with MacGyghur. Oh, no. I gotta get a idiot. Okay. So monks win 692 times out of the 1,000. Max Geiger explains that if you get cut open, you're not getting up after. Which I think is another great point, another learning moment.

And then I feel like this is a pretty good joke. It's a little racial. But Sala says, okay, so the monks won, but that's what the computer says. Computer's probably Chinese. I think they go out on it. They knew they had something there. Yeah. I think they should have gone out on, I will turn them into human feces.

Agree. I will eat you and poop you out. That was it. That was the show. What a fucking, what a fucking magical thing. You know what we can go out on the feces line? That works, yeah. When the tongue is protruded, basically it was an insult. You know, you're telling your enemy, after I kill you, I'm going to eat you.

Worst thing you could ever do to somebody would be to turn them into human feces. Einstein, who did, Frank first. Einstein, Hooter. I can't sell comedian who makes things too. Need a beat here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies.

Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. What's a matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, pin on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hissbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this, it's Alpha Scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there.

I once went on safari with this guy, and I watched him kill a white rhino. So he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime. Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg I see Bim Talzer oh Brandon Garlock I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun

You're blowing it all on funco pops of obscure movie monsters and your elderly self is gonna curse you for it Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh that one's a sprinkler it was supposed to be a sprinkler it's summer I'm trying something Brian Saylor I see you there Brock Way famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe.

That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about you. Like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those.

names like calling Common Sense's mother Mrs. Had a Positive Influence on Common Sense's body dysmorphia. Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us. Alright, I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man, racked by consumption. Like, that's, I'm happy being big and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys got to stop trusting me with your secrets. Oh. Sorry, I hiccoughed while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't happen again.

Delta, Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond. Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh, back to normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope. Oh, all right, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christian Berg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh! I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jelloho. I got good Satan and all

his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this. It's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham? You work so much, your kids are gonna have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college. Oh, that one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, hey Harvey Pengweeney. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack.

I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's gonna wait until everyone's... gone for the night and then he's gonna go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's gonna do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff Arraski, John McCam, and I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man,

everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next to you. She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life because she don't know. She's worth ten of you. Cause she's too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry there was again. That's uh That's weird. I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got I got I got Joseph Surrell's here. I got Josh S I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M, your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay, everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here.

Okay, okay, we got Kamutsas, we got KVH, we got Lane Haygood, we got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. M. Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broy,

Mercenary Sissadman, Michael Lair, a Mojou, you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things, they just, they just haunt you. Uh, Mort, I got Mort here, I got Mr. Bob Gray, I got ND, what does ND stand for? Non-descript? Oh, that one's on purpose, it's a callback to that thing I did earlier, I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey, Neil Bailey liked that, oh, right?

Right, Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff, am I right? Ha ha ha, I hate that stuff. He loves it though. Neil Schaefer, I got Neku104, I got Nick Levino, I got obsolete over here. Now, obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it! I can see it, obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me?

That's not me. Ornery Weevil. I got Ozzy Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Pee Wee's uncle. I got Rebrandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit

full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria, I got Russell Bowman. I got Sam Coppnik.

I got Sarkovsky. Look at Sean She. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Jam fan. Space Jam fan. Now, this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little moulon, and he's like, ooh, that's me.

That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, spotty reception. A super knot. Taters' Tales. Thomas Cavatzos. Oh, who do we got here?

You know how sometimes you can see a man? You take one look at him, and you just know. You just know. guy, this guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas, I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now Booster, I see you. I got you. I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying. Some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Rhybalt.

That's you! That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here. I and I just know this guy sees old-timey fops and dandies and movies and he don't know. He don't know. Are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all, but that don't matter to John Dean, because every time he sees them boys minson and Pranton, he thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes, and he becomes an insult comment, because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern day man equivalent is of that. But it just doesn't, it's just unfulfilled.

You know, it doesn't, it's not enough for John Dean. He thinks he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here, you know, telling it like it is. Everybody, everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it, John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is, being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man.

It's all over your face that you wish that, that was what you were. That's you. That's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just, there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh.