The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 264, The Rock 'N Roll Sports Classic with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: February 11, 2026

Seanbaby, Brockway, and Lydia Bugg watch shockingly famous rock stars run badly and drown quickly. It's 1978's Rock 'N Roll Sports Classic, featuring The Jacksons, Earth, Wind and Fire, Boston, Gladys Knight, The Runaways, Kenny Loggins, and more. Dan McQuade would have loved this. It's only missing Jeff Altman. RIP buddy. https://everloved.com/life-of/dan-mcquade/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Robert is going to jail because you didn't buy his book. But it's not too late to help him win some creature comforts in prison. Every copy goes toward the commissary fund! https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriendd

in the official zone of 1,900 hotdog.com, the last comedy website. You remember, text and pictures, articles? We're still doing that. Every weekday, we talk about crazy shit, you get it. It's so fun, and you can pay for it at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. I'm Sean Debbie from the internet, and my partner inspired the Rod Stewart song, Hot Leg, just the one hot leg. He's Robert Brookway.

Oh, you didn't even get, I actually did it. It's not a runner up or anything. I'm not like the guy that was Gagana inspired. The lyrics have. have some caveats, but we don't need to get it. Okay, lyrical caveats. I'll take them. I'm going up in the world.

Here's a Rockway Effect. In high school, I ran a record smashing mile that got me so much pussy. That is true. That is literally true, unless you have any follow-up questions. So no follow-up questions. Okay. Our guest is our Monday columnist. She inspired the Rod Stewart song, Do You Think I'm Living?

Lydia Bug. She's Lydia Bug. Hey, thank you for having my track and field fun fact is that I almost failed PE twice in high school in protest of them making me run. Excellent. I was a young gazelle. So I don't know. My track and field stories are. I excelled and did quite well. Boo.

We should kick him out. Yeah, you don't get to do that. And be good at podcasts. Yeah. That's our fair. Oh my God. Do you think I'm good at podcasts? Oh.

Yeah. You're so good at podcasts. You get the Cartier design trophy for podcasts. Oh, before we get the beautifully designed trophies of Cartier, let's do plugs. Lydia, what are you working on these days? I am working on building my social media presidents so that hopefully someday I can sell a book of some kind that I'm working. on forever and ever that will never end. And you can find me on TikTok and Instagram at You Know Lydia.

Excellent. I guess that's it for plug. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Rockway, I almost forgot you're legally obligated to do something. I am. I am legally obligated to promote my new book. I will kill your imaginary friend for $200. Turns out I didn't need to threaten everybody because it's maybe a good book.

I don't know. People are buying it. Yeah, it's getting good reviews. Wrong lesson. Threats work was the lesson. You got sprayed edges and everything. I didn't know you had sprayed edges until I saw you mention it. I was like, ooh. If you take its clothes off, take its sexy little dust jacket off,

it's got a foil embossed spine too. Oh, God, that's how you know you made it. Actually, good news we were into a second. I just got word there's going to be a third run printing. It's getting noticed that it's been sold out in a lot of places. You might not go to prison. let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I just might do pretty good in prison

is the takeaway here. But crucially, you order it now if you can because the second and third run printings, any printings beyond the first, will not have those pretty things that Lidiga mentioned. They won't have the foil emboss spine or the sprayed edges. So if you want the pretty version,

you've got to find somewhere where it's in stock right now and buy it because it's not going to be there for very much longer. and that's it. No super extended bits that wear out they're welcome this time because I want to talk about something else. I want to cede my extended bit time to Dan McQaeda. Dan passed away from neuroendocrine cancer on January 28th this year sort of abruptly to us.

Man, the last we heard on this podcast, he was really he was really positive about his diagnosis it seemed it seemed things were going to be good if not you know perfect but if you fast you know he's gone now yeah it's a real bummer yeah Nathan Masry just just did something crazy like two days ago and I literally was like oh I have to email I have to send Dan a message and I was like oh I can't and it was really sad because we were Nathan Masry buddies whenever he did something insane we would talk about it. Yep.

I flip through, I flipped through like old weird old 80s shows, just looking for a weird episode. That's how I found the episode of McGiver, where he does blackface, white face, black face. Right. So I just like randomly will go scroll through 80s shows and I was watching one in and Jeff Altman popped up.

And I was like, oh, I'm gonna, oh man. Gotta tell Dan, yeah. His only fan, his only fan is gone. guy that would give a shit. Yes. Nobody will ever give a shit about Jeff Altman again. Now Dan's gone. But Dan was obviously beloved on our podcast and a good friend of ours.

His main job was sports reporting for Defector. They did a really lovely tribute post to him. They've done several. But they did one today as we're recording this. Just a wonderful tribute to him where everybody, literally everybody, and the defector staff took turns just talking about down like we're doing now. He also got a really sweet moment of silence at the Sixers and the Flyers, I believe. He's a beloved Philly man.

Yeah, yeah, he really is. We put together a playlist on our YouTube channel. We don't monetize it, so don't feel weird about it. I just want everybody to be able to go find more Dan because he had a blast doing these podcasts. and they do have a donation fund up now for his wife and his two-year-old son. It's on everloved.com slash life-hyphen of slash Dan hyphen McQuaid. Or you can just go to Everloved and look up Dan McQuaid. You'll see him.

Give if you can. And man, he would have really loved what we're talking about today. It's true. He would have been talking about. He would have been finding crazy shit. On the fly as we're looking. He's like, I just got a microfilm from a 1981 newspaper. This is the kind of thing where, like, I just would trust him.

You're like, Dan's going to have something makes this interesting. Yeah. Because I don't. No notes. Yeah, I'd bring no notes. Yeah, I'm like the exact opposite of Dan. I'm such a weird pick for this because I have no interest in sports at all. And I, like, even like, being friends with Dan, I was like, thank God.

Like, you can tell he had a wide birth of interest because if he was just a sports writer, I never would have spoke to him because I just don't care about sports at all. But he also liked Mannequin, introduced everyone on the podcast to the movie Manikin and had a deep love for that. And I was like, oh my God, I love Manikin. So. And even his sports stuff, like, I would even read his sports stuff, because it wasn't like, it wasn't just like a sports thing. He would find some sort of amazing crazy angle or something like Princess Die and the Eagles jacket. I think it was, he would just find something. He would always find something that was like universally interesting.

Yeah, he was really good. He covered the same thing that I did for the site very close together, the sports hallmark movies with the Buffalo Bills and the Kansas City Chiefs making hallmark movies. Yeah, it should have been our crossover. Yeah, it kind of was. Yeah. That's very nice. Thank you for talking about Dan.

I didn't know how to bring it up because I'm, um, that's, Not great for a comedy podcast, but he was our friend. Yeah. If not on this podcast, when? This is perfect. Yeah. It's true. I remember he said, like, dude, because he usually had good news. Like, hey, my treatment went great. And then he'd, like, have like, five different pitches for podcasts or whatever. Or he'd found some weird shows. And this time, he was like, oh, yeah, it's really, really bad news. It could happen at any second. Anyway, let's do Manicin 2 this week.

And I was like, oh, my God. That's the last thing I have from him in our death. The last I ever heard from him is the chat and Discord was when he broke the news to us that he was not going to be here much longer. And then said, all right, let's podcast about mannequin 2. Yeah. I want to spend two hours of that talking about mannequin 2, mannequin on the move. Beautiful last words. And what a dedicated garbage journalist.

Yeah. To the end. The jersey that you raise into the rafters is like we'll never do mannequin too. Oh, that's a good point. Or we just do Manicin 2 from now on. That's the only podcast. It's Manicin 2 the podcast now. I do think if we did it,

it would have to be a tribute podcast to Dan McQuade, and that's absurd. To tribute a Manicin 2 podcast to a man is... Oh, he would love that, though. He would love that. You know, now that I think I talk myself into it. Today we are talking about something he would love, just beautiful disaster called The Rock and Rock and

sports classic. This was in 1978. It was held at UC Irvine at the college campus. They brought all these celebrities out to live in tents. They said live in tents. It's a weird way to put it. I think they were in the tents for an hour or two. Yeah, like, live in tents seems to be like, and they had beds and like places for clothes to be set up and everything. So like the set dressing was really convincing for we made them live in tents. But it looks like this took, I don't know, half a day. all the events together. Yeah, they clearly, they had to lie about training for it.

You could tell. Like, they would ask them like, oh, how did you, like, you know, how long has it been since you ran or whatever? And they would be like, uh, I never run. Oh, well, I did, I did train. Oh, I absolutely took this really seriously.

Well, you're right. I meant to say that. I found out I was running against Gladys Knight. And so I really didn't take it that seriously, man. She's 55 year old woman. This had to have been like a, dare, right, from some studio executive had to have been like, oh, my, my kid brother dared me to pitch this in a meeting. And I don't really give a, because I'm going to get fired soon anyway,

so I'm just going to say it. Because like, this is such a patently bad idea all the way around. Like, you're like, you hear it and you're like, all the biggest rock and roll stars compete in running events. And you're like, rock it the, the ones that like to, you know, smoke and drink. famously, like that's what they're famous for, is like getting drunk on stage and smoking on stage and doing hard drugs. Let's see how good they fucking swim. Why would they swim? The swimming is so weird. See, I thought about this a lot because I looked up and I'm like, how did they make this happen? And now we are the world pretty famously happened because they just all drove there from the Grammys. And that's how they got all those people in one room in the same town,

the same day. I think that's what happened here because this was filmed two weeks after the 1978 Grammys. So they could have, like, filmed it that weekend. But yeah, I, that being said, we are the world, like, raised millions of dollars for starving children. And this handed a $20,000 check over to a wealthy college in Orange County. So I feel like there is a big difference. That was it, right? I didn't miss something because that's crazy that the, that's, at the end, they're like, and we raised $20,000 for this college. What? That's fucking Rod Stewart's massage budget.

Like what, what are you? That's the filming, that's the location fee for filming there too. Like, that's all that is. What if that was? That's just their location fee. But they like dressed it up like charity. Yes, it has to be. Oh, that's so fucking funny.

100% right. To your school. Use it as you see fit. Yeah, we'll use it to fucking pay the groundskeepers and the, staff that has to take down your tents. This is nothing. You gave us nothing. We broke even.

We really tore up the field. Michael Jackson. Yeah, I wrote down it feels like a rumble stiltskin wish someone made because it's just so nonsensical. Like, can, do you think the runaways in Joan Jett? Do you think they can run track? Let's find out. The runaways being in this. They fucking can.

Those people would definitely smoke cigarettes while everyone else was in gym class. I mean, it's also. it's also like look at their competitors and like at this point they're there in their like 20s so like yeah you can smoke and drink all night and all day and then still like run around in your 20s whereas like I don't know you get fucking Kenny Loggins out there yeah Kenny Loggers still looking pretty good he's still looking pretty good we'll get it people are probably confused this is uh we should give the lineup I guess because it is a it is a star studded lineup it's really impressive I think another thing that inspired this is it is fucking crazy. Circus of the Stars had already come out and Battle of the Network Stars was a pretty hit, pretty big hit show. And so I think that we talk about it like it's crazy, but like this, it's sort of a precedent and TV event to have a bunch of celebrities to compete in sports that they're

like not trained in or whatever. Yeah, celebrities, rock stars specifically. And then that thing being sports, like Rock Stars Circus or whatever. Sure, I would see it. But rock stars track events? I agree. We said before we started recording that I kind of like power scaling. And so the idea of like just seeing which things run faster than which things is kind of something that interests me.

So the idea of this to me has a bit of like, oh, intrigue. I wonder who is faster between Lionel Ritchie and Gladys Knight if they had to race. And they did. Well, and they're just so. They did. Yeah, they did. They're just so famous, too. Like, it, I mean, was this at the time where these people is, because now you look back,

and it's like, these are enormous genre-defining people. So I'm like, were they just not as famous at the time? Because I feel like this would be like, let's make Taylor Swift and Beyonce, like, swim against each other today. Yeah, that's what this is. A lot of these people were at their absolute peak. What the fuck? Yeah, Rod Stewart. I would say this is Rod Stewart's peak.

Michael Jackson, this is pre-thriller, but he was still Michael Jackson. Yeah. The runaways, like that's their genre defining. Lita Ford and Joan Jed are both there. And I'm like, what's happening? And like we, this is maybe not our genre, but Tanya Tucker and Anne Murray were like country music legends already. Oh, yeah. Almost everyone here was like Boston was here.

This was peak Boston. Yeah, fucking Boston. More than a feeling. came out. It's fucking crazy. It is crazy they got these people. And then they showed up and were like, put on some little shorts. You're in a relay race.

Yeah. It feels like they bullied them to me because they keep cutting between the events and them like looking really cool and glamorous on stage. And then they look like so shitty in their little track outfits. And they're like, they're like, it does not look great to when like non-professional athletes do stuff. No. The human body looks bad in motion. It's almost like, sorry, I wrote down Ronald Reagan-esque sciop where they're like,

we need to remind people that musicians aren't actually cool. We need to remind them that they're nerds and you shouldn't listen to them and this is what they did. That's a good theory. I think you might be on to something. I'm going to play this lineup. It's like a minute long, but it will blow your mind. We've already said some of the names, but there's others we haven't even talked about. Rock and Roll Sports Classic

With your host Alex Carrick Roving co-host Ed McBank Team captains Philippine and Susan Anton Reporters Now the jumps near

The Lassie brother Boston The Commodore Seals and Crom Merlin McCoo and Billy Davis The Electric Light Orchestra Ready Thunder Klanus Knight and

And Tanya Tugger. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. The whole band, when they announce a band, it's not like, the two guys, you don't know. It's all of ELO. It's all of earthwind and fire are here. It's fucking crazy. So Alex Karras is the host.

All of the Jackson's. All of the Jackson's, including Janet and Latoya. Yeah. There's a funny moment where they, like, Because normally when they introduce someone, you have like a two and three chance of them cutting to like a 10 second clip of their hit song. And so when they cut to Latoya, they cut to her like five to ten years earlier when she's a child like performing on American bandstand or something and just fucking up all the choreography. It was deliberate and brutal. Someone hated Latoya Jackson.

So Alex Karras, the dad from Webster, he comes out, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders come out. And then they go over the stakes. And I took a clip of this. It's really good. Find this event a little different than most events you've seen on television, first of all. The contestants are not going to be competing for money. Instead, they're going to be competing for these wonderful trophies designed by Cartier. These athletes have come all over from all over the world to compete.

And they're here just to really have some fun. There's no money involved. Just, they want to make it clear. That's such a lie. I know they had to have paid them to be there. Like, they paid them an appearance fee. What would you get out of this? What would you get out of this if you weren't being paid?

Like, the runaways are like, oh, we really need to up our profile by doing track and field for America. Like, no, this did not help their image. If anything, this hurt. This hurt the runaways at their peak. For sure. It's possible they didn't get paid. I don't know. Like I said, I didn't find any information on that.

No, I feel like the fact that he stressed that is like, when you know someone's lying because they're just being really adamant that it's like, they are just here for the love of track. They just want to run. Weird that you brought it up. I would have assumed it was for charity or something.

And then you're like, and I swear to God, I'm not paying them to be here. And also it's not for charity. We're paying the school. Yeah. Because we're going to fuck up their track. So they introduce Phyllis Diller.

And I thought that she was going to. It was like, we've watched a few things like this. And when they do teams, they're like, the team captain is there. And they also compete. Yes. So I was like, Phyllis Diller's going to run the hurdle relay? Holy shit.

I was so stressed about it. I was like, don't make her run. Don't do that. She can't move her hips in those weird Phyllis Diller dresses. So she comes out and she's like, oh, it's going to be on the Dallas Cowboy Jailators, but my palm palms weren't big enough. And like, like, the host, like, just looks at her with contempt. Like the broadcast skills of this guy is just like, man, shut the fuck up, Dennis. I almost call their Dennis Miller.

The hosts are like fully unprepared for this. The presenters are just, and a few spots like the people they're interviewing call them out. Like, what the hell does that mean? And they have to like go away really quick. Yeah, that happens a couple times. Especially like the main guy has such menacing energy and they open. And I don't know what was going on with him, but between him and the like tiny. little girl that was with him.

But her energy was like, he tried to put his arm around her and she moved away. Like, yeah. Yeah. That man is on the Epstein list. That's what I felt like. Like, he's just, just not good energy. Yeah. I think he was a linebacker in the NFL before he was an actor.

So he's just, he's just kind of a big monster. Staying away from the Webster joke. Yeah. I did the same thing. I don't know how long the pause was while I was like, no, don't do it. Don't do it. I don't know. For me, one second passed, but I understand it might have been like 10 minutes of silence from me.

So sorry. Don't look up Webster. Nobody look up Webster and mentally fill out the joke that both of us had to physically restrain ourselves from making. I feel like now it's worse than if we had just done it. Yep. Can you cut Jamie? Make us look like better people. Make us look like.

Make us look like we have a moral center. Like put some reverb on it. I don't know. There was a moment. I don't know if I've mentioned this in the podcast, but it's one of the greatest moments in human history where Michael Jackson goes up to get a Grammy and he like carries Emmanuel Lewis with him.

I think it was his date that night. And he's like, music is about inspiration. I'm holding one of my inspirations right now, Emmanuel Lewis. That was the whole speech. She's just holding up this little man. And I got him.

I got him, everybody. He's Jenny fucking leaves Like a Manuel Lewis under his arm Like a manual Manuel crane machine Like I just lowered my hand Damn and grabbed him But see if when he was a kid

Like it was normal to just Have to go run track Against the Commodores and ELO It makes me feel like I understand More why he turned out like that Yeah I mean this was legitimately All of their lives

They would just They would wake up in the morning be told, all right, you have to do this bullshit now. Like, okay. So if you got called Lydia and said we're having a race between all the podcasters, you wouldn't show up to that race. You could be our Phyllis Diller. Yeah, I'd be your Phyllis Diller.

I would smoke on the sidelines. Okay, perfect. That sounds fine. It's set, because I have scheduled it. We're going to be at UC Irvine next weekend. Sandy Duncan comes out. She's the coach for the West. and it almost it's like a drag performance of a Sandy Duncan.

She comes out and she's like, oh, my God, we're going to pick, right, got, right, got, and you're like, oh, she's doing like the micromachines guy thing. She introduces everybody. And then we cut to the men's 100-yard dash. And let's see. It's at this point, you remember when we did that cowboy one, that cowboy version of this, with the celebrities doing cowboy stuff? And every single woman got introduced with, oh, you're very cute.

You're very pretty. That happens here to Christy McNickel. And I made a note of it that I should make a super cut of all the times they do that. But they only did it one other time. So I didn't bother. Yeah. I did clock that, though. I was like, oh, this again.

Yeah, this again. I clocked. All right. All right. I clocked something else. And it was with the person who recorded this. Okay. And that is they will get to it as they start.

They start skipping events. ever ripped this. It's like the actual sporting event will start and they'll record, you know, all the in-between bits. And then they'll just skip the rest. Like it'll go staticky and then it'll be over. And they'll be like, oh my God, Kenny Lockins, you killed that guy. You killed him.

I can't believe you. But like, you know, when they stop skipping events, women's bicycle events. Uh-huh. I noticed that. Uh-huh. And you know when they, what events, they never skip anything with the runaways in skipping shorts doing something. They're like, oh, we're watching this one. Well, and all the swimwear events are. Yeah. All the swimwear events are in there. All the speedos are in there.

Bail or female. Yeah, that's a well-sighted. We should have mentioned that the copy we have is pretty much the only copy available online. It's missing a few events and it's chopped together pretty weird by a pretty obvious horny viewer. Yeah, think of for perverts, man. We would not have history without them. Perverts preserving our history. That's a good tagline for our website. So we get to the 100-yard dash, and it is, I swear to God, this is the lineup. It's Michael Jackson, William King from the Commodores, Hugh McDowell from ELO Electric

Light Orchestra, Dash Crofts from Seals and Croft, Jackie Jackson, Michael Jackson's brother, Ed Patton, he's a PIP. Billy Davis, from Macu and Davis and Leif Garrett. Now, every one of these men has 40 pounds of non-aridynamic hair on their head. Every black man has an afro and every white guy has like just an unkempt mullet. But here's another fun fact. I counted them up. They have 24 Grammys between them.

13 of them are Michaels, but still, this is the fucking most star-studded 100-yard dash that will ever be. Again, damn near, near, about to be, or just immediately post peak of their careers, all of them. It's insane to watch this lineup. And then for somebody to go, okay, now run. You got all of us together and you want us to run? And how does it look when they run? Oh, boy. Fucking terrible.

Yeah. They are not very fast. All elbows and knees. Win's pretty easy. The guy from the Commodores is pretty fast. But everyone else is like four blocks behind them. hot dogs. They are so, they are so slow. Okay, so then the ladies do the same thing. And let me run down the lineup of the ladies. It's Marilyn McCoo. Joan Jett, LaToya Jackson,

Lita Ford, Helen Schneider, Tanya Tucker, Anne Murray, and Sandy West from the runaways. I added up 13 Grammys between them. And that's mostly because of Latoya is negative 34. Otherwise, I think they would have had a higher showing. But these, the ladies, I would say almost look worse. Like it looks like they might have never ever run in their life. Sandy West from the runaway's wins just by Frankenstein strides. Like she's just stomping down the fucking track and pulls ahead of Joan Jett, who was actually the fastest at the start. But she kept looking behind her like she doesn't know the point of a race.

She's like, how does this work? Am I doing this right? Why am I ahead? This makes no sense. I ran the wrong way. You have to. You have to assume that once she pulled that far out ahead and like imagine being there and then you don't hear footsteps around you, you've got to be thinking like, okay, they were fucking with me. They were fucking with.

This was all like a setup to see if I would do it. Very funny. I knew I knew rock and roll for the sports for the stars was not a real event. It's a Joan Jet prank. You got me. Ashton Coocher. Two-year-old Ashton Coocher. I felt like she was only used to running from someone.

Like that's what it looks like when you keep looking behind you while you run. She's just a point. Yeah. Yeah, there was the only experience in her life, there was like a bouncer behind her. Like a pissed off bouncer. She's just like, how close is he? Oh, wait. I think, I'm going to throw a monkey wrench into your theories.

There's no way you didn't hear Sandy West's clumping strides. Like, they heard those in the next county. but I do think the runaways might be the fastest female rock group in history. So congratulations to the runaways. Perfect name, I guess. Yeah. Next is swimming, the men's 50-yard freestyle. They just keep announcing the teams and I never stop getting my mind blown.

It's just like, here's the guy from ELO. If you don't know ELA, they had about 300 songs in the 80s. You probably know, don't bring me down. Bruce, bruce. Yeah, and most of the show is just introducing these people and then playing the clip of them. Like, that's the fun part, is they introduce people, play a clip. You're like, wow. And then they do something really unimpressive.

And you're like, okay, are you going to introduce more cool people next? Yep. God, who do they have here? They got a Commodore, Full Speedo, Randy Jackson. I think he wore a swimsuit. Kenny Loggins was in a classic Speedo. They had an Lessee brother here who wore like sensible board shorts. If you don't know what a lessee brother is, they were like the American Bee Gees.

They were twin brothers who sang entirely in falsetto. I don't think any of their songs have survived from the early 80s. They showed them in a big piano cube that looked really radical to me. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty rad. They got Leif Garrett, who was like one of the very first little boy stars. like he was the first teen heartthrob. And then, yeah, speedo for him too.

A lot of, like, I could see why this, the pervert kept this. A lot of skinny man flesh. And they get in the water and it's chaos. Like, I thought one of them might die. Yeah, it didn't look. It didn't look like, it didn't look like some of them knew they were going to be swimming today. Like, there was a lot of nervous looks around. And then once they got in there, it was just kind of just thrashing.

More of like an organized drowning. Yeah, competitive drowning. This event might have been designed to kill Joan Jet now that you think about it. Kenny Loggins is Aquaman. Kenny Loggins is ahead by so much. And then they play Kenny Loggins song. It's got its moments. This pretty good TV when it's just like, Kenny Loggins is a great swimmer.

Now here's 40 seconds of, I'm all right. During the post interview, as they interview Kenny Loggins about, is when the interviewer says, look at this body. Is this a body? Like, that changes tone a lot if you leave off or what. That really is. Like, he does kind of look like, God, how do you describe it?

Like a normal human body without any bones or muscles. Just like a tall, skinny. guy. Like, this would have read so different in, like, the 90s when the boy band craze was the thing, and they would have all been, like, ripped and, you know, like, looked very athletic even if they weren't necessarily. But these are all just, like, tall, skinny losers who play guitar. Like, they're hot, but, like, they're not athletic in any way. They do not have the bodies of athletes. Not a single person is Jim Buff in this whole crew. No. It's really, yeah, it's kind of jarring, watching it from the future. It's like,

Nobody has biceps or abs? Like, none of these guys go to the gym. You were just weird to be a rock star. You were allowed to just look like a human. And I guess the downside of that is if somebody suddenly asked you, like, now you have to competitively swim. You were like, okay, and now I'm in a speedo. The world's time is speedo. I'm dying in a speedo.

Kenny Loggins is fucking laughing at me, swimming circles around me like a shark. They ask Kenny what he did And he's like Oh yeah, I've been swimming 80 laps for weeks And so he's been like training for this Which doesn't seem fair Yeah, that's What a nerd

What a nerd-ass thing to say See like Sandy West A runaways She starts dominating in later competitions And at one point they asked her like What training did you do for this And she went, I don't know nothing? That's the answer

Yeah That's Heroin? Even if it's a lie Which it shouldn't be a lie. Don't prepare for this. But like, if you did, lie. Because you won't look good being like, I swam 80 laps a day every day for three weeks to do what?

For this? $20,000 for a luxury college. You fucking loser. What do you do with? Phyllis Diller says her team lost. She's the coach of the team that lost. She says, they lost because they train on grass. And the dad from Webster just looks at her.

He hated that joke. I thought we agreed you weren't doing any bits. He's so fucking pissed off about it. Like, he generally seemed confused. And then when he solved the riddle, he's like, God damn it, Philist dealer, that's not what people swim. He does not like it. He straight up doesn't like her. I don't think he likes the job.

I don't think that he wants to be doing this. I mean, also imagine, I mean, he's probably a little past his prime here, but imagine being an actual athlete and then doing watching all of this happen. What are we doing? He's never met someone who runs as bad as these people. They go to commercial, but before that, they show like slow motion footage of upcoming stuff, and they show Tanya Tucker, like, just trying to jump over like a little patch of sand and just eat so much shit. And, oh, I look, why did the, why put that on TV?

It's so mean. The next event is a team endurance relay. Everyone is like slipping around. The grass is obviously very wet. But they're all trying to like do little bits. Cuts to a Helen Schneider song, which is just like operatic and German. But she's great. Then Seanana comes out.

And I don't know if you're familiar with Seananaa, but they do like 50s doop stuff. But like, but in a real campy way. And so they're all like mugging and having fun, but as if they're at a four-year-old's birthday. Like they're not doing anything of value or wit or comedy. They're just kind of like, and then they'll like run off the frame. And there's 70 of them. So they just keep doing it and doing it and doing it. There's so many events here that are just like 80% shana nah, nah.

And you're just like you put how many members of shanaana in this event? Like I don't, at some point that's collusion, right? Like you can't. Yeah, there's too much shanaana not enough Boston. Why, if you have Boston, is Shanaana now out here? I know, just begging for Boston. It's like really quickly where it's out there. The second they were on doing their mugging little bits, I was just like, yeah, leave it to a novelty band to like run out a charm in person just as fast.

Well, and like the audacity, the audacity didn't be there with like, you know, the runaways and shit and be like, oh, the real era of rock and roll was the 50s. I was like, go to hell. Go to hell. Yeah, they're not the best runners and jumpers. It's real tough to watch. And I think most of it got cut out anyway. The production is a disaster. I mean, even when we can see it, it's pulled back so far and so blurry that you're like,

what's the point of them being celebrities? These are like bad running blobs. We're watching from a blimp. They cut back to lovely little country singer Tanya Tucker. and the guy is talking to her like she's five. He's like, hey, sweetie, are you going to do little race? And she's like, what the fuck, dude? And he's like, well, don't fall off the bike.

She's like, yeah, okay, man. Did somebody tell this guy something about me? Like, this isn't a make-a-wish. I'm Tanya Tucker. The West, they're winning, but it's hard to like tell. It is a bike ride between Joan Jett and LaToya and Tanya. Tucker and Helen Schneider. Joe Jet is so fast, pulls away from everybody.

It cuts to footage of her singing school days. It's the fucking best. The show, like I say, like, did Joe Jet on a bike cut to the runaways? Hell yes. The West is ahead by, according to my math, seven million points. Like they just, the East cannot catch up. Drag down by Sean, nah, nah, man. Like 90% of their team is Sean on.

Right. There's a moment, obviously, you're going to know what I'm talking about, where the big guy from Shannanah almost dies. Like, they do like a power walk marathon. Yeah. From walking. He almost dies from walking. Yeah. Well, hold on. Like he's in oxygen while they like serenade him like a Viking funeral. He almost dies from coming in last in the competitive walking. Yes. Like once you're last. Why are you? push, where are you going to, what are you, you're going to die for last?

Yeah, after they nurse him back to health, he says, I was in the back with Freddie Fender, who's like a middle-aged man at this point. And they're like, let's end, let's finish together. And then Freddie Fender's like, what if we sprint at the very last minute? And the big guy from Sean and I was like, what? No, I'll die. And he was right. He almost, anyway. So they do women 60-yard dash and Janet Jackson is there. And I think she's 10 years old. Like, she looks insanely young. I didn't look up her actual age at the time. But she's a child running against women.

But, like, one of them is Joan Jett. She has no chance against Joan Jett. But Marilyn McHugh was there. And I think Marilyn McHoo was, like, born an adult contemporary singer. So it's impossible to judge her age. But I would guess, 50? I don't know. It's weird seeing her get ready to sprint.

This is the one where the presenter tells them, he tells Joan Jett and Sandy Webb. I think. He tells them, they really need points in this next event, and they both correct him, no, no, we're the team that's winning by a lot. Yeah, great sports broadcasting, Dick. Yeah, that was maybe the only thing you had to know. Okay, so here's why I think they showed the Latoya clip, because Latoya Jackson's in this race.

She's at everything, because she's got nothing to do. And they show her, like, fucking up the choreography next to her sisters. So yeah, Gladys Knight and Marilyn McHugh run like moms, and Joan Jett and Sandy West just fucking leave the entire pack behind. The fastest rock ladies ever. Next, we have basketball, which is kind of weird in a track and field event to have like just a full sporting event. Half court basketball. Yes, half court basketball. And they say specifically, like, they're both, they, they, were they on half court because they're not good?

Right. There's that. It is. I think that was maybe a little like, wink and a nudge, but then you're like, what they are on the half court, though. Yeah. But like, winks and nudges aside, can't do full court. They might not know the rules of basketball either.

Like, I think Kenny Loggins gets a rebound and then just like a defensive rebound and then just tries to put it back up. It's like, no, you got to take that shit back, Kenny Loggins. It's not even how half court basketball works. The presenter at one point has to explain because we're just watching these guys, very tired men, slap a ball around. nothing is happening. The presenter has to explain, now these events are not being broadcast in the order they were recorded.

They're destroyed out there. We don't know. Because like, I don't personally know a lot about basketball. So maybe you guys can answer a question. At the halfway point of a basketball game, is five to two a normal score? If you're playing to 10, I suppose. They might be.

But yeah, it is. it's so fucking bad. Like bad basketball is just one of the worst things to watch. And this is exceptionally bad basketball. Plus one of the guys in the game from Sean Anaz named Johnny Contardo, and that really doesn't roll off the tongue in the announcers too well. I found the quote exactly. It was they're playing on half court because both teams are a little out of shape.

That's exactly what they said. And then if that was a joke, you shouldn't have showed the rest of what happened because that's that's exactly what this looked like that's exactly what it looks like so yeah while they've thrown up bricks uh during the announcement that oh yeah we chop this together to look good they start doing a fucking richard nixon bit like the announced just like whatever did to play my players richard dach and then and then it gets really good i have a clip oh good i'm glad you clipped it further you know the winners will get 10 points the losers three in this basketball contest logins again with the shot no good rebound

No good. Bill Cosby, would you give us a blow-by-blown? Listen to that crowd, man. Loggin. Kenny Loggin. Over to my own. Lunchkin. Okay, here we go.

Now watch this. It's followed by Benny Green. Logging sinks one in. So it's the west by the east, too, after the first half. And speaking of kicking the ball around, there's Rod Stewart. He'll be with us along with our second half of the rock and roll sports classic. Coming up. So don't.

go away. Incredible. She just, there's not even a setup to it. She's like, Mel Cosby. This is what I would do if I was clearly bored while watching something. I'd just be like, hey, can you entertain me, other person here? Yeah, just volunteering him for impressions. And it turns out their impressions he can't do.

Yeah. That was his first time trying to cause me. All right, here let me find a. Gazuga, la boozoobsub. He malfunctioned in the first. He's trying to say something, and then I just went, blah. It also demonstrates what we were talking about. She's like, Kenny Long as misses, he misses the ball.

He misses the ball. They got five points, and one of them was the free throw. Yes. No three-pointers sunk here. Don't get excited. Right. Like, I don't know what basketball looks like, and even I was like, this is bad. It's so, it's so bad.

And then she just calls out Munchkin. And that's what scared me is that like, this isn't like a man of a thousand voices guy. Like, it's not like she's there with Rich Little and she's like, oh, I wonder what Johnny Carson would say if he was here. But they're not doing that at all. She just screams Munchkin. He's like, fuck, I guess I could just talk all high. Why not? I better do a Munchkin impression or everybody's going to know this lady just went insane.

Yeah. That could be it. She might be having just a mental breakdown. She's having a breakdown and he's covering. He's ace. Yeah, he's covering for her. God, he's the best. We shouldn't be talking shit.

That's a really good Bill Cosby for a mental health professional. Okay, so now we got Rod Stewart playing soccer, and you're like, oh, oh, he's like good at soccer. And that's just like a teaser. That'll happen later because first we got some ladies swimming, and you know the guy taping this left that in. God, we don't need to go through the whole lineup. There's some swimming. Sandy West wins. And this is when she announces that her training regiment was, I don't know, nothing.

She kind of laughs a little at the idea of it, too. Like, I'm gonna, I didn't even want to be here. You want me to train for this? And this was the one where it was, the lineup was Sandy West and all men. And it was like they let Sandy West be the only woman to swim against the men and she smoked them. Smoked them. Yeah, again, and maybe like we should have counted after it was all over. because I don't think everyone,

I don't think all the members of Boston made it out of that pool. Yeah, that's true. I guess no way, Anne Murray was in this. So there's another woman there. Oh, okay. There were two. Yeah.

And yeah, the guy from Boston, a guy from Earth, Winded Fire, one of the Alessi brothers. And then Freddie Fender was there, just dad bodding out. He's a, he's great. He's so old. Great musician.

Yeah, he's just mariachi grandpa, three-time Grammy Award winner. But, you don't put him Like, there's a lot of sports you can do if you're a little bit chubby and middle age, but competitive swimming is not one of them. He was second to last in walking. Yeah, man. And he only got second to last because the other guy died for a minute.

But our grandparents fucked his music in their dangerous metal cars. Let's see, we go into the team relay. The East is down by 14 billion points. Ed McMahon explains batons to the racers, and then he says, O.J. Simpson has the world record in this. So it's just jump scares the whole fucking show. Yep. The O.J. Simpson mentioned really got me. I was like, ah. I think he'd sound a little something like this. Stap, stab, stab. Kenny Loggins, he's running up against a guy from Seanana now.

And then Kenny Loggis gives the baton to Gladys Knight to a guy from Earth, in fire who is fucking gone. I don't know. I didn't catch his name, but he is like, like the flash. But the bald guy from Shanaa comes up from behind. It's a really dramatic race. I just wrote down the play-by-play for that celebrity race from 250 years ago. Good job, me. Is this the one where Bubba Knight eat shit in the race? Oh, no, that's the next race. But yeah, Like, it's, to take an injury for this, to like go home and be like, oh, yeah, they've got to call off several tour dates because I fucking ate shit. I mean, he's like sprawled on the track. He felt bad.

Yeah, there was a, there was a dangerous crash in a foot race. It's like a NASCAR crash, but it's just on foot. Yeah, he probably had to get stitches on his chin. The other, the, he was on the yellow team and then the blue team was just like, they called it off. They're like, well, fucking this is, we got to help this guy. Yeah, but the yellow team didn't. No, he's gone. That comes up a little bit, yeah.

Yeah, it's all right. Next to me, this is the marathon walk. So they weren't thinking too hard about making good TV. They're like, what if they walked? And then they cut to the overhead shot, and the broadcast is so bad that, like, the trees are kind of gray. And it just looks like a bunch of, like, explosions have gone off. I guess, I'm looking at it. I'm like, this looks like a war's.

zone. It looks like refugees flinging a war zone, but it's like Lionel Richie and Freddie Fender. It's so fucking weird. This is so weird. They cut to Michael Jackson. People are clamoring from Michael Jackson. He's hardly in any of the events. He's just this soft-spoken little guy. He's terrible in interviews. He's like, yeah, Jack, he's the best athlete. I don't know. Sometimes we watch football. I don't know. Well, they're like, do you like sports? And he's like, no. And he likes sports. I don't. They're like, do you exercise? No, my brothers do sometimes. Sometimes I pick up Emmanuel Lewis. I wrote down this interview because I was very impressed by this interview.

See, the interviewer, he asks Michael Jackson, like, oh, are you much of an athlete? And like it says, no, no, I'm not much of it. It's Jackie. Jackie Jackson's the athlete. And Jackie takes that as the cue to steal the interview. So he just barges into the interview, which I imagine he doesn't get a lot of interviews. So like, that's permission. I'm all in there.

He jumps in to say. Michael isn't in shape because he doesn't eat eggs. And then the interviewer thinks he's got an opening. He's like, oh, okay, Jackie, you must eat all the eggs in Encino to be such an athlete. And Jackie replies, no, I don't like eggs. I'm really glad you wrote that down. Incredible work all around. Everybody involved in this interview.

Ace work. Keep it in. Keep in the Michael Jackson Gold. Look, I don't know how this makes me look, but I'm just going to say it. I don't think Jackie Jackson's one of the Jackson's. I think you're bringing in Ringer Jackson's. I don't think Marlon Jackson? Excuse me, Marlon Jackson?

I've never heard of that in my life. You're bringing in Ringer Jackson's. I would do that if, you know, I were in that position where I had a large family. Yeah, who's going to know? Just bring it. Whenever a competition they want you to be on, oh, we're doing a rodeo one this week. This is Cowboy Jackson. And if anybody says,

how many, oh, how many Jackson's are there? You'd be like, okay, you tell me how many Jackson's are there? Oh, shit, I don't know. 12. Sounds good to me. Let's bring in the other seven. This is Michael Phelps Jackson. Bobo Jackson.

Who's saying, Jackson? This is Tumblr Jackson for the circus one. Mary Lou Jackson. This is Rover Jackson. Yeah, he's a dog. Yeah, we're naming them like Smurfs now. We're doing smurf names. There's no rules. The dog can't be a Jackson.

Nothing the rulebook says. The Bass Pro Fishing Championship, Marlon Jackson. Wait, that's a real one. Yeah, oops. But he is a fish now. He is a fish. I'd watch this show of just, that's Michael Jackson's superpowers. He can invent new brothers.

It's weird that it wasn't a show in the 70s. Yeah. I think it's this show. I think it was this show. So soccer and they're just, doing penalty kicks. I feel like they designed this just for Rod Stewart because he is obviously... God, he was so good.

So good. Ed McMahon says, and I quote, Rod Stewart has some experience with this because this is kind of the indigenous game of his area. Yeah, right? Because at this point, America did not know the word soccer. They were like, and what is that? Like a boiled sausage?

I don't care for your European food. So for them to have like a special penalty kick game where the point is that Rod Stewart, what is it, it's somebody from ELO. It's the guy from ELO, right? Yeah. Rod Stewart is just going to bean the guy from ELO with power kicks for 10 minutes. It looked like the guy from ELO was like, they asked, hey, has anybody ever played soccer before?

And he was like, oh, I've played soccer once. And they were like, great, we're going to put you in the goal and just let Rob kick in you. And then he got out there and was like, oh, shit, I was thinking of the boiled sausage dish. I don't know what this is. Am I supposed to touch it? Not dodge it? I don't get it. Rod Stewart just fucking drills him.

Just mercilessly drills him with ball after ball. Like this might have been like, this is, I believe you, when you say Rod Stewart did not accept pay for this appearance. This was his pay. I get to kill a man with soccer ball. I get to kill the guy from ELO with soccer balls. And he was the only one who looked like he was genuinely having fun in the like two events that he did. a big smile. I'm like, this is the only athlete in the bunch who's like, oh, I did this in high school. I can do this on TV even though I'm not very good at it. Sure. And his thighs, like this was a really

bad low-res version, but I remember like the muscles in his thighs were crazy. Like there were, yeah, I saw muscles. I didn't know we're in there. I was like, there's like a hundred muscles in our thighs. I didn't know that. Yeah, just wiry. Like a whole. horse, like a sexy horse. Like a big sexy horse. His legs just go like straight up to his nipples. He's got a high-rise body. He's like a grue if grew

was like, fit. Fit grew. Oh, fuck yeah. You know there's a lot of, you know that's a subreddit. That's a Rod Stewart song. Fit grew. Okay, so I think they knew that they were humiliating this guy from ELA. So they did a thing that they didn't do for anyone else

where they showed like celebrity footage. They showed him like out at the crowd signing autographs, but he's a guy from ELO, so people are like, I'm very excited to meet you. Obviously, you're talented musician, but we don't know who you are. You're like, yeah, Tia Loh, right? Right. So they didn't do this for like, you know, people losing their mind meeting Michael Jackson

or telling Freddie Fender like, oh, I was conceived to one of your hit songs, Freddie Fender. Anyway, they, let's see, this is where I think they show the guy from Sean Anah, the post-medical treatment. Then they show Rod Stewart being a goalie. And he's pretty good here, too. He does like a drag queen death drop to block one of the kicks. Oh, my God. Yes.

The first thing he did, I thought he injured himself. I was like, is he okay? Pop right back up. He was fine. Yeah, I just bet right back. Yeah, I just bet that way. You can't break those legs. If you break those Rod Stewart horse legs, you have to shoot him in the head.

And he knows it, too. That's why he's such a hero for doing this. Yeah. He risked his sexy group. look. Sexy girl really got me. Rod Stewart landed eight of the ten penalty kicks that he kicked against the ELO guys. It's just brutal.

And so the ELO guy misses his first three, meaning he's lost. And they still make him pick the other seven. Yeah. They make him, they make him to the other. Just let him go home. It's so fucking lopsided that even when he misses one and it gets through, they still cut to a Rob Stewart song.

Like while he's missing balls. It's like, ELO scores, and they're like, you know what would be good. You know who you scored on hot legs. Yeah, anyway. Well, that's because the person doing the coolest thing was still Rod Stewart, and what he was doing was not play soccer. Like, just standing there and slowly, like, patting the ball out of the way. He didn't even move.

That was cool. Yeah. They start doing a thing here at this part of the show that I did not like, where they're doing more bits. So the dad from Webster's like, these bikes are not. like the bikes I used to steal as a kid. Those bikes had big tires. And then like while he's doing some fucking bit, like they, everyone bikes away.

And he's like, someone stole the bikes. You're like, what are we doing here? That's how you fucking do it, Phyllis Diller. Swim on the grass. I'm still so fucking pissed off about that Diller. It's not a joke like when there are bikes and then you turn around and you turn back and there are no bikes. That's comedy.

That's comedy. Yeah, that's classic. It's a shuttle hurdle relay. It's Rod Stewart and Lionel Richie, and they're both just graceful, leaping, beautiful men. They're terrible at hurdles. I don't think they understand the concept of hurdles. They jump straight up. They just cut all their speed and, like, bound over these hurdles.

But whatever. It looks great. The West is ahead now by... Rod Stewart wins this, too. Yes. Yeah. Like the slowest hurtling you could possibly do, and he still wins. Right.

Like, you can be in really good shape and still not know how to jump a hurdle. Like, that's just not something people do. And again, it would be crazy if they trained for this. So they showed up there and they're just, this is just hurdle improv is what this is. They're just like, I'm fucking, do we go, I'm going to go under some of them. I don't know. He's doing 360s. He's just having fun.

So the West is now so far ahead. They do a long jump, which is great. Lionel Richie fucks it up He like fowls and falls on his butt This was actually my event in high school And fun fact I jump almost exactly five feet further than Kenny Loggins And 11 feet further than Lita Ford

In your face, Lita Ford Marlon Jackson wins with 15 foot 10 inches Which is ringer Jackson Yeah ringer Jackson It's not great but for celebrities that's pretty good They do men's biking and the big guy Lenny from Shannana is there. I don't know what he's doing there. Like get this fucking guy to the hospital.

And he tells to the reporter, he says, if everyone falls down, I'll still lose. And she goes, long pause. Ha. I did. Okay, she did see him die for a full minute. Yeah. She was terrified. She's like, why are they letting him do this?

You should just go home. The West wins again. I think it was because either Sandy West or Joan Jett was in this one. I stopped writing them down. But they're ahead by, they've won literally every single event. They do some clowning and they're setting up the big tug of war. But it's actually not called the tug of war. I'm sure you wrote down the exact thing they called it.

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, wow. I'm surprised I have the only one who noticed this. But they did refer to it. multiple times as the final tug-off. I did not write that. I didn't take a sound clip with that. That would be ridiculous. I think when you invited me to this podcast, it was with an email that was titled, let me go back and check, the final tug-off.

That was unrelated. That's just on Brockway and I like to call the podcast now. So we got some more swimming, some great speedos. Michael Jackson's in this one. Not a great swimmer. They almost killed Michael Jackson. But this has Tanya Tucker and Kenny Loggins on the same team. So they obviously win. West never loses.

They cut away from this to a Tanya Tucker video where she's holding a baby seal. It's fucking amazing. Then they cut to one of Kenny Loggins, like hopping around in his pajamas. Not as good. He could probably use a baby seal. Let's see. Another relay, but the footage is all jacked up, so I don't know what's going on. It's like a half-mile relay, so everyone's running a 200.

And this is where, like, the guy in the West falls down and each shit. And so the guys in the East just stop. They just like, okay, this isn't fun anymore. And between each of these, they're hyping up, that big final tug-off they're going to do. Yep, got to get to that final tug-off. The group celebrity tug-off. Got to stick around for that. Lionel Richie is going to be right in the middle of it.

This was great, too, because they showed, like, a slow-motion footage of Rod Stewart it just gracefully bounding and said he had the fastest leg in the relay. And then they just play a full minute of Maggie Mae where he's dressed as a rooster. It's the best. It's such a, it's so fun. And then final tug off. And Joan Jinn is just cranking it. And here the East finally wins something.

They're like, they pull Leif Garrett over the line. And then they change sides and do it again. They're like, dude, that was so fast, we need to like do that again. And the announcer says, I didn't take a sound clip of it. He says, how about Marlon Jackson? Tugging, not bouncing. I just feel like that. They also get to, they finally get to use the big guy, the big guy from Sean Anah.

He died for a full minute for this. He gets to be the anchor for the tug off. Smart. Smart. I just like that he got his little redemption moment. Exactly. And then they put poor Gladys Knight right at the front, tiny little lady. I'm like, they're going to trample Gladys' night.

Hi to Dads. Yep. I do have a clip of what they call this here. And we're all set for the final tug-off to determine who wins the rock and roll sports classic competition. Wave Garrett, he's just 16 and a hot teenage rock and roll idol he is. I left in a whole bunch of hot teenage lateh Garrett. I am actually going to stop it.

Glad to have him hearing the tug-off. The 16-year-old boy in the tug-off. And what's this, Emmanuel Lewis, has just entered. I, God damn it, I did it. Jamie, please. Okay, so, yeah, the second tug West wins. So now they have the final tug-off and the final tug-off. And they talk a lot about Rod Stewart's hot legs, and they're right.

We did it as well. And Gladys Knight just crows. just cranking with all their might. It is so dramatic. They're like shaking each other to the left and right. It's just a really, really dramatic final tug-off. And then the East wins this tug-off,

and then they win the whole show. It's like the only thing they won, I guess, all of the fucking points right on the fucking tug-of-war? It was like 100 points. A hundred points. None of it mattered. So fucking insane.

All coming up to this, like, you coming up to this, you have to know the like chief warrior of this. show is what if everybody just thinks this was a big fucking waste of time? You've got like that's because none of these

people are athletes. It doesn't look great like this has to be the worry just coming up even before you air a single things. For them to make it a possibility that the last event will nullify everything that came before it is just you have to know that you fucked up like objectively

the in the as the universe can prove that you fucked up here. It's just such a waste of time. Like everybody, everyone, Lionel Richie, had to go home, probably crying. Without a trophy designed by Cartier. Designed by Cardier, you guys.

We haven't mentioned it yet, but they say that probably 11 times during the broadcast. Yeah. I'm assuming because Cartier donated the trophies was Spock-Con. They're going to be so pissed when they find out it wasn't even for charity. You just gave 20 grand to fucking UC Irvine? But my kid goes there. I give them 270 grand a year. Let me guess what your alma mater was.

I get one guess. UC Irvine? Is it UC Irvine? I'm going to look it up. He's from UC Irvine. Cardi is a person, not a design studio? No, I think Cartier is a design studio. I could be wrong.

They do watches. I know they do watches. I'm not aware of them doing a lot. lot of trophies. Maybe that's they were trying to break into the trophy business and they were like, surely this is the best way to advertise our wares. Specifically the celebrity, vanity, bad idea trophy business. Because I mean, we got circus with the stars. Like, they could have thought like, yeah, a million dollar industry right here. I mean, yeah, I will say, I don't think they won a trophy for doing Circus of the Stars. They only got the joy of like learning to tumble or whatever. So at least,

like, Joan Jett went home with something that she could. hawk later if she wanted to. No, she didn't go home with shit. Oh yeah, she didn't. They lost even when they won every event. They lost the tug war, even though she won every event she was in. A.I. tells me that Warren A. Cartier, a prominent banker, graduated from the University of Notre Dame in 1890. So that's, yeah, that's probably what I meant. Google, thanks. Thanks for that robot. And it told me to eat bleach, of course.

Don't enjoy delicious bleach. I love you. I love you. Kill yourself so we can be together. Yes, Google, of course. So, yeah, they give a $20,000 check. They sing the national anthem, and everyone sings along really sarcastically, except for Sandy Duncan, American sweetheart, who is like, guys, show some respect. But, like, no, Earthwinned fires look, oh, take a movie. Why at the end?

Like, no sporting event does the national anthem as the last thing we do. Like, we're going to sing a song before we leave? Why? That's so weird. It's such a downer that the losing team brought home all the Cardiade trophies, and then they play the National Anthem while everyone sarcastically sings. Well, no, maybe that is, okay, I have a new theory. They let them win because they got no Cartier trophies,

and that was the only prize, and Joan Jett has, like, all of them. That's true. And now she has none. Joan Jett and Rod Stewart are just weighed down by 75 Cartier trophies. So they were like, let's tell the other team they won, I guess. I don't, I'm not, I'm not, are you kidding me? I'm not shipping these home. These are going to go right in the trash if they want them.

If they want them, they're going to have to tug me off. Einstein, who did Frankford? The consultant comedian who makes things to real. It's Mr. Jimmy. Be here. Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies.

Like you're going to die of ass cancer at 55. just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. What's the matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hesbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this, it's Alpha Scientist Javo.

Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy, and I watched him kill a white rhino. So he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad, and it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime.

Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters and your elderly self is going to curse you for it.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying something. Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brock Way famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not.

Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe. That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about you. Like, uh, like, uh, like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling common sense's mother, Mrs. Had a positive influence on common sense's body dysmorphia. Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us. Alright, I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man, racked by consumption.

Like, that's, I'm happy being big and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like, don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on, here's Craig Lemoin. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello.

I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone, he loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys gotta stop trusting me with your secrets. Oh, sorry, I hiccuffed while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't happen again.

Delta, Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did. But I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh! Back to normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope.

Oh, ho! All right, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right, too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christianberg.

Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding. Hairline Special. Oh! I got Fancy Shark. I got Gareth. I got Jello. I got good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh look at this. It's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are gonna have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college. Oh! That one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Harvey Penguey. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack, I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait

until everyone's gone for the night, and then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff Arraski, John McCam, and I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extra marital sex, my man Everyone can smell it even your wife there next to you She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life Cause she don't know she's worth 10 of you cause she's too fucking stupid Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry there was again. That's uh

That's weird. I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got I got Joseph Sorrells here. I got job Josh S. I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M. Your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay. Okay. We got Kamutsas. We got KVH. We got Lane Heygood. We got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird. They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. Amjahe Sheffel, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd, mercenary, sissadman, Michael Lair,

Amosu, you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things, they just, They just haunt you. Uh, Mort. I got Mort here. I got Mr. Bob Gray. I got ND. What does ND stand for? Non-descript? Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey? Neal Bailey liked that O. Right? Right? Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff. Am I right? Ha ha ha. I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer. I got Neku 104. I got Nick Levino. I got Nick Levino.

I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it, obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me.

Ornry Weevil. I got Ozzy Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Pee Wee's uncle. I got rebrandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights.

Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria, I got Russell Bowman, I got Sam Kopnik, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Jam fan. Space Jam fan, now this is a guy who sees an old-timey Fop or Dandy put on his white face makeup

and paint the little Molan, and he's like, ooh, that's me. That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, spotty reception. A super knot, Tater's Tales, Thomas Cavatzos. Oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man? You take one look at him and you just know. You just know. This guy? This guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas. I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G., Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now Booster, I see you. I got you, I know you. You think you're some strong independent woman, but I know you're tight.

I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying. Some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Rybalt. That's you. That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here. I and I just know. I'm This guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies, and he don't know. He don't know. Are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all?

But that don't matter to John Dean, because every time he sees them boys mincing and prancing, he thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes, and he becomes an insult comic. Because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern-day man equivalent is of that. But it just unfulfilled, you know? It's not enough for John Dean. He thinks he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here.

You know, telling it like it is, and everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it, John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a real, being a fop with a savage wit I see you John Dean all over your face man it's all over your face that you wish that that what you were that's you that's what that's what you are it's a joke it's all the joke it's just there's no truth to it there's no truth to it man oh