The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 265, Mister T with Merritt K

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

Today Brockway, Seanbaby, and Merritt K are going to save America. By tapping the golden wisdom of Mister T. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert is going to jail because you didn't buy his book. But it's not too late to help him win some creature comforts in prison. Every copy goes toward the commissary fund! https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriendd

to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's last comedy website. I'm Robert Brockway, and I learned today, I learned that I'm somebody. And, uh, with me is somebody's fool shot, baby. Treat her right. Treat your mama right. I'm searching frantically. We don't have that on the sound board? That's fucking crazy. That's okay, I know the whole thing. Mother, there is no other like mother. So treat you. her right. M is for the moan and the miserable groan that she let out the day that I was bone.

If you're waiting for me to interrupt this, I'm not going to. Oh, it's for the oven where she'd stay up. And her guest author. Hold on, hold on, before we introduce our illustrious guest, that was ghost written by iced tea, I think. Citation needed, but I think you can look that up. I didn't know that. That's true. All right. Well, she's not allowed to have an opinion. until we introduce her. So let me just bring her in and then we'll immediately ask.

It's our guest. She's an author, artist, podcaster, shit poster to the stars and beyond. It's Merritt Kay. Hey, thanks for having me back. I love to start an episode with an impression of another race. I feel like that's...

Does it count with Mr. D. That's always fun. That's such a distinct... It's like doing tone look. It's like, if there's racial overtones... What's... Do tone look? And then I can just...

And then I'll judge, you know. Okay. Uh, let's see. That sounds right? It's just to start. I think I'm just, I start with a throat sing. That's like my anchor word is just throat singing. Yeah, I can only picture him as like an animated lizard trying to enforce someone.

That's sort of my only point of contact. So I think that's about right. Next to a talking butt is how I picture him and that's an honest. I've learned to stop scolding Sean Baby for doing this and just, you know, record him and keep it for my private use. Are you still gathering compromise? Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, never stopped. How many Shaq impressions, like, do you think it would take to get me thrown in jail?

Because you must have dozens of hours. Yeah, I don't know, but I do have 17 files here named Sean Baby's Shack impression. And they are each an hour long. You go to bed listening to them, I'm sure. Like, it's probably a really soothing. Well, you know, I can, just for just to know what I have. It's just like, it's just in the effort of cats. I don't get off on it if that's what you're, if that's what you're.

It was implied, yeah. What? Merit, where can we find more from you? I have nothing to plug right now. I'm doing this. Oh, fuck. This one's on the house. It's, I have a mailing list. Just go to buttondown.com slash merit K. I send like one email a year because I only activate it and have to pay for it when I have something to actually promote. So just buy Robert's book. Just do that.

Ooh, good plug. He is going to jail, I think, the last I heard. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm definitely, definitely. you've got to wind up in prison here. Before that happens, Sean, what would you like to plug today? Oh, I should plug 1,900 hotdog.com. It's hours and hours of my shack impressions for children and wives.

Go there. Patreon.com slash 1,900 hotdog. But it's okay because they're in text. They're in classic text. Yeah, but you can tell they're problematic. Yeah, he uses a real... I'll put apostries in places where you're like, what the fuck, dude. Yeah, really affecting it, like in The Secret Man, when he tried to transcribe that interaction.

He had with, like, a gang member. I keep telling, Sean, you shouldn't have different fonts for different races. It should all be the one font, but it just, he's stuck in his ways, you know? He's stuck in his ways. He doesn't mean any harm by it. Merritt's right. I am legally obligated to promote my new book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200.

it is out. It's out now. No pre-order things, whatever. You don't have to say, Robert 15, unless you want to. Robert. Go get it. Go to your local bookstore. See if they have it. If they don't, burn it down. Burn it down. I like this new thing we're doing where we advocate for arson. I feel like that's fun. Oh, shit, that is what I'm doing. See, this is why I'm going to prison. You can only get so wet, right? You're already going to jail. Yeah, I guess that's true. And you know what? going to jail for like advocating arson sounds way better than didn't do a good enough job promoting my book.

You will get you more cred for sure. Maybe that's maybe that's my that's what I'm pivoting to. Is there anything else you want to scold us about merit before we get started? I mean, I'm a notorious schooled online. I'm always doing it, you know, constantly. I love doing it. It's the best. Yeah, by Robert's book.

I'm not just saying that because I die in it. That is cool, though. It is pretty cool. And, you know, a book, like, people are like, oh, I have so many books already. You're not buying a book to read it, right? You buy a book as a promise of, like, maybe one day I will be the kind of person who reads this. And I think that's beautiful. So you're buying that kind of, like, mental, emotional benefit.

Think of it that way and just buy the book. That's, all right. Everything that she, you're way better at this, everything that she just said instead of all of the things that I said. Just strike off the, don't burn anything down, unless it's funny. Do whatever, do all that beautiful stuff, Merritt said, about, you know, making a promise to your future self with my book. Do that. Do that.

Today, that's not what we're doing today. Today we're talking about America. not to get too political here, but I worry that we as a country have lost our moral center. I think it's the Nazi death squads. That makes sense. When you say it like, yeah, now that you mention it. No, you know what it is?

It's the concentration camps. Wait. It's the pedophile ring that rules everything. I don't know. Anyway, we're not going to get too political here. I'm just saying that, like, I think America... But we're against these things, right? Yeah.

Yeah, generally against them. It's pretty woke. Can't believe we have to come out and say that. That's wild. It's a bold stance. You don't want to divide your audience, you know? Right. Yeah.

So if you're part of an elite pedophile ring, we don't need your business. I know that's bold of me, since that's everybody with money. That's it turns out. But here we are. are. And I just think, I think we have a solution. I think it's been right at our fingertips. And I think it's watching the Mr. T cartoon, the one that, the one that ran from three seasons from 1983 to 1985. And every, every single episode, as was the style at time, opened and closed. They did both. Open and closed with a live action segment teaching us some kind of moral that they

insisted often hilariously was the moral of the episode. I'm glad you brought that up because they didn't line up too well. No, they didn't always line up, but I think they're worth talking about. What we choked those wild dogs in the woods that taught us about teamwork? Okay. All right. All right. So I have asked, all of us have picked an episode.

I've asked Merritt and Sean to pick the morals that they feel the United States needs most right now. And explain how Mr. T thinks we should best implement those two. save America from fascism. I asked them to explicitly do all of those things, and they're going to say how they did that now. Okay. Who wants to go first? Who wants to bring your episode, and we'll talk about your episode, and how it can save

America from the Nazis? I'm happy to go first, Merritt, but if you'd like to, please, I insist. Ah, please, please, go ahead. Okay, I'll do it. Okay. I obviously chose the Ninja Mystery. All the Mr. T episodes were just the Something Mystery, and I can't think of a better mystery than Ninja Mystery.

And his lesson, it opens on him on an exercise bike. And the lesson he's given is he's basically saying, don't try to be a movie star with just charm and luck. Like, things take hard work. And I think Mr. T might be the most uniquely wrong person to give this lesson. Because Mr. T is, he's tough and everybody loves him. But like when he tries to act, like truly execute the craft of acting, it's not his strong point.

He does not have the training. He's just been doing stuff to get attention. And I know this because I've read his autobiography. And his big break was winning a toughest bouncer competition. And to give you an example of his idea of hard work and training, he wore a turban, not because he was a Sikh or protecting his perm or anything. He just did it because it was more interesting to be a guy in a turbine than not a guy in a turban.

And he also didn't eat for a couple days. He didn't have any good tips on why that was a great idea. he just said he wanted to be hungry, and I think he got tangled up in that metaphor. I love that. He's a hungry guy, and he has a just turban advantage in kind of a non-turban-wearing field, you know. You know what else you can get tangled up in? A turban. It all ties together.

It all ties together. He's a genius. He did retcon a lot of meaning into his style choices. Like, for example, in his special Be Somebody, Be Somebody's Fool, he said that his Mohawk was from the man. Dika tribe, his African heritage. But it actually wasn't even meant to be a T. It was only a Mohawk because the barber fucked it up. Well, he wanted it to be a T so that when people said, oh, who's this guy? He would just lower his head and you'd see a T on the top of his head. But they fucked that up. It just turned into a mohawk. He said he wore the chains to Simbola

is his slave ancestry. That's also not true. He just was a bouncer and he would tear gold chains off of dudes all the time and they would just put all the gold chains on Mr. T. That's the origin of that. Anyway, my point is his career is a tumbling accident. And here he is on an exercise bike saying, hey, you can't just hope things go your way. Speaking of tumbling accidents, he does not look great on that exercise.

He has to hold those chains down. He's making a lot of noise. That's not the best outfit to wear to the gym. No. Hanser pelt up with a rope. Again, he could get a belt. He's just decided rope is more interesting than belt. And God damn it, he's right.

So here's the plot of the show. It actually, this lesson ties into the plot of the show, kind of okay. Because one of the gymnasts wants to be a movie star. I think they're in New York, if I'm remembering. They're arguing about who has the best pizza. Is it Mario or Luigi? And I don't even know if this is Nintendo reference. This might just be the only Italian names the author knew.

A ninja attacks a building to steal diamonds. And he jump kicks to security guards, which is kind of unusual for 1983. Like you normally could not kick somebody in a cartoon. So this was Mr. T's just like, I don't give a shit. Have the ninja kick those guys. Do you think it's because if he's masked, then it's not a person? That's kind of the Ninja Turtle rule, right? Or the G.I. Joe rule.

It's like you could hit a robot. Yeah. If they have a mask, that counts as robot. That's an 80s cartoon rule. The ninja drives away on a motorcycle, which is awesome. Anybody drives straight into Mr. T's bus, which is the worst possible thing you could have done because the bus crashes. I mean, it's just Mr. T saves his life by moving the bus out of the way, but then Mr. D gets out and chases him on foot.

And this is bad news for the ninja, but he's a ninja, remember, so he just vanishes. Now the Asian girl on the team, Kim, she uses her photographic memory and her Asian heritage to know what a ninja is. But it's 1983, and I think Ninja was probably the seventh most used word in the English language at the time. Now, if we could talk about Kim for a second. Please. There's a whole colorful gang of characters here, like all the children on Mr. T's gymnastics team, which is the core premise of this series, is that Mr. T is the coach of a gymnastics team. If he ever did a flip, he would lose $15,000.

There's just nobody I could think of worse for a gymnastics team. like boxing, wrestling, wrestling, it's right there and anything. He would land in a Gordian knot. They would be like, we have to shoot you in the head, Mr. T, we can't undo this tangle you're in. Somebody's got to come along and cut you in half

and we'll all applaud for his lateral thinking. No, so he's got this team of children and you're like, if this is your first episode and you're watching this and you're like, oh, I see, we're doing racial superpowers. We got Kim, the Asian with her photographic memory. I don't know what the other ones.

There's going to be a leprechaun somewhere on this. But as they go through it, I haven't watched every single episode. No, it's Just Kim. Just Kim has the power. Yeah, and I guess that shows some restraint on their part that they don't have like an Irish kid whose power is drinking, which would be. Incredible luck, Shaw. Incredible luck. He's also lepracons.

You've seen the 80s. You know what they would do. I think it's worse. I think it's worse to have one. That's like, you've got your race-based powers. And she's like, okay, well, as long as everybody's got him. Hold on. Hold on.

The black kid just likes photography? No. What are we doing? I'm not doing the photographic memory thing. But he doesn't have a camera, so he has to steal the camera from the redhead. That's, we'll get to it. Yeah. Robin, the redhead, she's like, how is there a ninja here?

and not Japan's ancient past. So she just can't understand that people could just dress up like a ninja and do cool shit, despite the fact that that's the only thing on TV in 1983. Right. Yeah. So there's a hunk actor named Tom Germain, and he's staying at the same hotel as the kid. So the aspiring actor in the group is like, this is my big break. And whatever, he's a kid.

He doesn't know that you can't just run up to Tom Selleck and say, hi, I'm an actor. Because he does that. This was the 80s. Yeah. I guess that's how Mr. T like got his big weight. And in this very cartoon, that's what happens to Mr. T. It used to work. So he goes up and he's like, hey, I'm an actor.

And this guy's like, sure, great, kid, whatever. Like, I'm not a casting director. I'm just the dude in the movies. We're not going to fuck. You get that, right, kid? Like, is that what you're asking? Because, anyway, I'm just kidding. He says, yeah, right.

I'm not in charge of casting kid, but lose that shirt and meet me in my hotel room. That's in the cartoon. That really happened. Okay. So there's a gymnastics competition. that that's what they're there for. They travel the country to these competitions. And a ninja robs the box office at the children's gymnastics competition.

I love that that's like they have to work that into everything because it's like, obviously they're just doing a Scooby-Doo, right? They're just doing like solving mysteries. But Scooby-Doo had like a reason. Like that was their thing. They solved mysteries. This is like, okay, got, it's like they got a note from on high that's like, okay, It has to be a gymnastics team, but we do want them to solve crimes.

Right. Oh, touring children's gymnastics team led by Mr. T. Mm-hmm. And they just keep, like, it feels like the problem they were trying to solve was just like, why would Mr. T be traveling around with children? Right. Oh, I've got it. He's the coach of a roving gymnastics team.

Like, just make them orphans that he adopted. Yeah. And forced to fight crime with him. I don't think it occurred to me that was weird until I was like 35 years old. It's just like such a normal thing in the 80s to just have a crime fighting team of gymnastics with you. It's gold chain rules. Like if he kicks you out of his bar, he keeps your child. And these are all the children that he's stacked up.

If this took place in space, it wouldn't be any more or less weird. It would just be the fucking white noise of 80s cartoon. The ninjas, he runs directly onto the floor where like 10,000 people are white. watching. There's a packed stadium for this gymnastics competition. He just starts climbing a rope. And the kids are like, we're going to go fucking kill that ninja. And so now it's ninja versus children in front of 10,000 people. And the ninja cuts the rope. He tries to kill these kids. And they fall from like 80 feet, but they grab the high bar, do some gymnastics. Mr. T. Chase into the roof. But again, he's a ninja. So he just vanishes. Now get ready for that. That's the show.

whenever they have an action sequence, something will just sort of happen that makes it like not a thing anymore. Like someone will just leave is generally how a Mr. T fight scene ends. In this case, it kind of works because he's a ninja. But yeah, they can't take prisoners.

They don't have like a cage to keep the ninja in should they capture him. You can't. I don't think in 1985 you could show a bunch of children like leg locking a man to death. God. I don't think that's allowed. I feel like that's most of the media we consumed

was children fighting ninjas. That's true. but they were usually robots. There is a creepy moment here where the ninja grabs the teen girl and the leotard for just a few seconds of hostage. He's like, I'll kill the girl. Then he just leaves. Didn't like that.

The movie star guys, he doesn't want to catch the ninja. He's like, this sucks. I'm sorry, my notes are very confusing because I'm trying to describe an 80s cartoon with an adult brain. So the aspiring actor runs up to the movie set. He's like, look, guys, I want to be in your movie and does like some flips or whatever. He like goes straight through their table while they're just trying to relax. And Mr. T's like, sorry, I'll get this kid out of here. And like I mentioned earlier, he's like, who, who are you?

You're in my next movie, Mr. And again, that's the lesson is not, like literally, wow, not to expect this exact thing to happen to you. And also exactly what Mr. T. Right. Because everyone had the same idea in the 80s. They saw Mr. T and they're like, I'm putting you in something. I don't care what it is. So they see a stuntman do a fall and they run up in the middle of shooting.

They're like, hey, wow, that was great. Tom Selleck. And he's like, no, I'm not Tom Selleck. I'm a stuntman, you fucking idiot. I have to explain you what a stuntman is. And the actor kid's like, I can do what you do. And he's like, no, fuck you. And he's obviously the bad guy. We find out later he is the ninja.

Sorry for the spoiler alert. It's still a mystery to the kids. So Robin says, hey, I bet the chubby middle-aged hotel manager, remember him? He couldn't lift the suitcase. I bet he's the ninja because he's Japanese. And then the Asian girl's like, Jesus Christ. I see what this is now.

And that isn't that isn't the lesson like the lesson isn't like Yeah the lesson isn't right stereotyping people as been ancient warriors of their country of origin It's look to see if they're physically fit enough for the crime that you're committing them of like It could it could be like a John Wickford situation like he's Scott Atkins in a fat suit But no he is just a chubby middle-aged hotel manager anyway the kids go out and they immediately find the ninja It's the third time in two days they've run into the one ninja anew York. That's just, they're like Angela Lansbury and how she just goes from town to town. There's always a murder. That's like their luck. Like there was only one ninja in New York City in the 1980s.

And yeah, ridiculous. 30% of the population. He throws a throwing star at them to turn off the lights. And so they all just tackle the nearest shadow. And it's clearly Mr. T. And he beats the shit of these kids, like wordlessly. He doesn't beat them and say like, hey, kids, you got to stop beating me. I'm Mr. T, not the ninja. So he wanted to do this. That's what it says in my notes. He knew this was his only chance to kill these kids. Anyway, the hotel manager shows up, and he's like, oh, I pee my pants all the time.

My pacemaker hurts. Oh, I suck so hard. And the white girl's finally like, okay, fine. He's not the ninja. He's not the ninja. He's got a pacemaker. All right. He's soaked in urine.

I'm starting to see where I was wrong. I'm stupid. Still racist. But, okay, anyway, the ninja star is like, movie set. And so they're like, hey, this is from that movie set. I like how they didn't mention until now that the movie's about ninjas, apparently. What movie wasn't in the air? That's what I'm trying to say. That's true, yeah. They decide that the ninja did the diamond robberies to distract from the stealing of the film,

because they go there and like the film is missing. And they're like, oh, the diamonds, that was a smokescreen to cover their true crime of bootlegging half a ninja movie. before post production. So now the ninja's following them and they want to get rid of the, they want to like separate the team. So they call the cocky actor kid and they're like, hey, kid,

come to Coney Island in the middle of the night for a movie role. And he goes there and it's like a Scooby-Doo death trap for just like one second. I love going to, go into suspicious places in the middle of the night for movie roles. For movie roles.

Yeah, he never says. This child was going to die sooner or later. Like, just sometimes it's Darwinism, man. I mean, but that's what's so great about New York, you know, like you can, the public infrastructure is so good that you can take the train at midnight to Coney Island to get killed by a ninja bootlegger. Like, you just can't do that in most American cities. You can't do that anymore because of Woke.

Woke took that from us. Because of Woke. I do like that we're this far into this. This was like season three, episode seven, and they, he hadn't done a lesson on that, Hey, you get a phone call to go to Coney Island. Again, that's not the lesson is don't. Right. If somebody calls you and says, hey, kid, you want to be in a movie?

Come to the abandoned amusement park alone. Don't listen to that. It would have been a better lesson. So this was kind of a dick tease of a scene and that like a giant clown head pops out out of him. You're like, oh, my God, he's made like a full Joker death trap carnival. But then nothing else happens and the ninjas just jumps on a kid. And like, all right.

I'm like, come on. Anyway, the ninja has a hostage now. So that'll make it easier. If he has to fight the kids, it'll be like one less kid. The other kids find him immediately because he says, hey, guys, like during the hostage phone call, he's like, I want pizza. And they're like, oh, he mentioned pizza. So he must be at the place that doesn't have pizza, the hot dog place. The one place that doesn't have pizza in New York City.

I promise. The only one. I promise it doesn't make sense. I'm not fucking around to make it sound like the cartoon stupid. It really is stupid. He drops into the ocean when they find him and they pull them out of the ocean. He finally realizes it being an asshole. But like, I don't know, was he?

He's an idiot, but he just didn't want to annoy anyone, right? He doesn't like wake everybody up. Guys, I'm going to Coney Island. He's like, no, I'll see him in the morning. He didn't betray anybody, is my point. I think they were probably just sick of it. He seems like he got this call a lot. Like every town they're in,

somebody's giving him a call to meet him somewhere abandoned. They're like, ah, just, you know what? Just go. Maybe you'll have fun this time. Maybe that's where you belong. I just, the show was trying to play it off like he really did a terrible thing, but it was mostly just unsafe for him. Anyway.

Again, not the lesson. The lesson wasn't tell your friends before you go somewhere. Nope. Which I think is a great. lesson. The ninja's escaping on a motorcycle. Mr. T jumps on a horse-drawn cart, and he's like, let me drive to the guy who owns the thing. And the guy's like, Jesus, okay? Because he's just scared. He's just terrified of Mr. T. The ninja jumps on the tramway, and Mr. T jumps after him, and they have a tram fight. Hell yes. Again, Big Dick T's, Mr. T's just grabs the first jump kick

and throws the guy. Terrar's Office mask is the stunt man from earlier, obviously. He's the only other character other than the hotel manager. So, yeah, I think we solved the mystery earlier. I like that ninjitsu simply does not work on Mr. T. Nothing works on Mr. T. I mean, look, it was developed in a very different context, right? You know, everyone in feudal Japan was, what, like, five, five, five, six probably. Tops.

I'd have to watch that episode of Deadliest Warrior, but they'll have the exact stats on that. Right. Yeah, they just had never, like, had to deal with a. kind of a Mr. T size threat. And that solid center of balance from all that gold. All that gold. It's immune to flying kicks. It's more powerful than bronze armor.

And it's layered too. So it absorbs impact and stab. Yeah, they did find a way to enter that into his, his chart. Yeah. Mr. T's deadliest warrior page. Like, you can't put him on that spreadsheet. It'll break it.

Thousand O against Ninja. So Vince actually gets a part as a background actor. and when he's done, they like rap and he was just standing back there. I think he gets in line. But the other kids are like, that wasn't fucking anything. You suck. You're barely in this movie. And he's like, yeah, guys, you have to start somewhere.

Like, that's my first acting role. They just met me. And then it cuts away from the cartoon to Mr. T going, he thought it'd be a star, but he was wrong. You think someone's going to hand you something? And like, that kid was working so hard to get that role. He was happy to pay his dues. The last thing he was doing is sitting around and waiting for someone to hand him something. And Mr. T's like, still.

going like, talent's not enough. You need education. It's education. Anyway, I don't disagree with his lesson, but it is a world champion performance of being the wrong guy to deliver the message at exactly the wrong time because the example given was a guy working really hard and paying his dues to follow his dreams. There's no way you could have explained that to Mr. T that wouldn't have ended with you just turned inside out. I'm imagining you as like, no way. As like a writer on the show trying to be like, well, the dramatic irony here, Mr. T, you see, and that's, you're already just eaten his fist. Right.

Mr. T. Have you ever had an acting role where you played something other than Mr. T? He just, how'd you get your big break eating an onion and arm wrestling? Is that, is that what I'm understanding? Oh, it says here, how did you get your big break being Mr. T is what it says here? I mean, it seems obvious now, of course, but like at the time no one had ever been Mr. T before. So, like, someone had to do it, right? It's true.

He did have to invent that. It is, like, Mr. T, it works, whatever it works. But if you, like, walk down Venice Beach, you'll see, like, 70 failed Mr. T's per block of just, like, a guy who's like, I'm doing stuff. Why, why aren't I a Mr. T? Every choice on me is weird. Look, there's a lizard on this shoulder. That's a Mr. T thing, right? It's like, whatever he did very specifically worked and thousands of people try to do it every day.

Got a pineapple hat and I only speak in. and that's not enough? It's not enough. Weirdo, I mean, just like the rate of inflation in terms of like being a weirdo is just tremendous. At this point, like, it's so hard to break into that industry. Yeah. And like, I've tried.

But like, it's just so like densely crowded. It's crazy. Yeah, we actually need you to be like a criminal. Yeah, right. Like you have to, you have to actually be out there. It has to be illegal to be you. for you to get famous here. I wonder how the process of writing these went.

Like, clearly, it seems like Mr. T when they do the live action segment, it doesn't seem like that's really very well. That's not scripted very well. He's not, he's just kind of saying stuff. And the children don't seem to know how to react to him. Like, all of this is ostensibly two or four children, and sometimes they were children in the scene with them. And they just, like, just deer in the headlights have no idea what to do with any of this information.

Like, there's no way any of this. Do you think, like, he did the live segments and then they tried to write an episode around it? And we're like, I don't know. Something about ninjas? He's completely insane. I would think that they would do the live action after because they didn't feel like a little forced, but like someone tried to make it relevant. and then gave up, or it was just beyond them. But then that means that you're writing a cartoon and saying,

Mr. T, sit down for 20 minutes and watch this cartoon about you. You think he watched that cartoon about himself? Because I don't think he did. No way. He did one take in the audio booth. Like, it's hard to criticize his voice performance enough. Like, they'll be chasing a guy, and Mr. T will be like, we'll get after him. You're like, that's how you want to deliver that?

Wait, hold on. That was actually him and the, I just, I just, I did. Didn't even look it up. Yeah. I assumed so hard that that wasn't him because it was such a bad job. It didn't sound like him. Didn't have any of his charm. At all, yeah.

They really got him to say some stuff. I guess I didn't solve fascism, but that's okay. I think lots of people don't solve fascism. Well, I mean, we've learned that if you want to be an actor, if children, if you want to be an actor, specifically, he did phrase it as not as if you want to be somebody. It's if you want to be an actor, a big famous actor, you can't just come up to somebody and say, hey, I want to be an actor. You've got to take the small parts first. And I hope that helped one child somewhere.

Oh, I'd love to meet somebody who's a famous, like if Timothy Shalamay says, yeah, I got my start after watching the Ninja Mystery and like heard the inspiring words. Listen, maybe Timothy Shalmay will come out against ICE. and he'll be like the voice that will finally tip American culture into, you know, taking some action against this. And then he can say it's all because of this Mr. T episode. And then I'll give that to you. Sure. Okay.

Thank you. I'm really glad we're tackling politics finally on our podcast. It's so important. So important right now. We went visit. It's hard to go back after this, you know? I think it's all going to be this. It's just, yeah.

We got to just talk about the fucking Cheeto. and the White House and like another taco moment here. I could actually be the coolest pedophile without the help of the island pedophile. It's weird how if as soon as you talk about any like any political term, I just hear it in Dennis Miller's voice. Like I can't hear it in anybody else. It's like a specific kind of brain poison I've gotten from doing the show. Yeah.

All right. Merritt Save America. Okay. before I do, I just want to point out that Sean's episode was written by Paul Dini. Oh, wow. You might know from inventing Harley Quinn. Yeah. And a bunch of other stuff too.

Oh, man, the clues were here. The gymnastics. The gymnastics, yep. He did some other stuff. Yeah. I mean, so this, also the show, like, was created by Steve fucking Gerber. The guy who invented Howard the Duck. Yeah.

He was like, okay, so I did this incredible comic. My next thing, I'm going to make a Mr. T cartoon. Get this? Traveling gymnast child theater. And that's right there, all ducks. I've always wanted to meet someone a row for Howard the Duck. Guess it never happened. Yeah, well, I mean, one day, you know.

For our listeners, Marit, did write an issue of Howard the Duck. It was a what if, so there's an asterisk on that in my bio. on the Marvel Wiki. And all my stuff takes place in a different, because it's a what if, it's like, oh, Earth 6,21, this version of the character. It's like, all right, guys. But it was plainly researched.

You probably put more research into that than most Marvel writers. I put more research into this than Paul Deanie did into who Mr. T was. Into what ninjas are. He did look up what ninjas are, because that was in the script. He didn't look up what Mr. T is, though,

because he said, gymnast. All right. He said, that guy, that guy famous, he's got a perfect gymnast body. Because he's like, oh, what gymnasts said when they do finish the routine, they put their arms out, right? That's like a T. So he must be, this must be. Oh, maybe that's where that came from. That's where it came from.

How much? That's probably where it came from. Do you think Steve Gerber pitched at first Mr. T as a duck? 100%. Yes. Yeah. I believe like in my heart, I haven't read his entire run of Howard of the Duck. I believe in my heart that there is absolutely a duck that looks like Mr. T as a duck somewhere.

I bet during his pitch deck he like dropped a big thing, a big sign. He's like, oh, what's this? A duck? Oh, that's great. Unless, unless, I don't know. Let's think about this for a second. You guys ever seen a duck with a mohawk? Well, get ready.

Can we make the duck a dog and just have it fucking. I promise you, we'll get a movie in 20 years that we'll see ducks in. George Lucas will make that happen. So I did the season two episode, Mystery of the Panther Man. And I don't know if the episode I watched was just like the recording was weird, but like is Mr. T's voice higher than I remember in the live action segments? Yeah, the live action did seem like it might have been pitched up a little, but. Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah, I noticed the same thing. But also I think when he's not pissed off, his voice is just a little naturally higher. If he's not pitying a fool, it's kind of. Yeah, yeah. So this one opens with a bunch of kids, like, sitting at a picnic table in a park making crafts, and it's kind of impossible to tell what they are. But Mr. T just, like, walks up and starts complimenting their crafts

and says, like, oh, these are really good. You can sell them in town for extra cash. I think he says we can sell them. As if he's the fagin of a group of macaroni art-making urchins. Yes. Which is what the show should have been about. he's got a child workshop is what I took away from this. And he's just like, oh, I'm going to use that to perfectly segue into my moral, which is,

it's good to make money, but you shouldn't make money at other people's expense, which I think is a very useful lesson for us today in America. And he says, yeah, Jeff tried to do that. And he almost stopped us from solving the mystery of the panther men. This is what I mean by none of these children. know what the fuck he's doing. They're like, they don't,

they don't have lines, they're just looking up at him and it seemed like, oh, okay, well, I'm going to play with my little crafts and Mr. Teagle come in and say,

good job, you can sell these for me later. My Dickensian band of thieves. Yeah. This reminds me of when I killed the dog crabs. Children,

goodbye. Like, wait, wait, what? You all know Jeff and his panther men and the children are like, Mommy, I'm scared is the only thing they could say. Okay, when I went into this, I didn't realize that this was a show about gymnast because I guess I wasn't paying attention during like the opening credits.

And then also the, I'm pretty sure the lyrics are just Mr. T. Like, I don't think it explains the premise in the. At all. There's no like explanatory theme song. The premise is Mr. T. Right. But also the show isn't even called like Mr. T and the fabulous five gymnasts or whatever. It's just Mr. T.

Just Mr. T. I.M.D.B. It'll be like, do you mean the show or the dude? Right. Yeah. And so I was so confused, like, because this episode starts with them on like an abandoned island at like a school with no one there. And they're like, we were supposed to give a presentation at the school on this island. Like, what? And then it turns out later we're supposed to be like a gymnastics presentation. Yeah, it's not better when you realize what they meant.

Like once you have the context, you're like. No, hold on. You were flown to like an abandoned school to give a gymnastics presentation. Yeah. It really is like they've just got a guy's skull cut open and they're just poking his brain with tasers. Gymnastics competition. Presentation. The abandoned castle.

They're on this island, which I think is supposed to be in northern California in the Bay Area. And they start talking about Panther men. Like, they just kind of start talking about. Oh, yeah, the Panther Man, the legend of the Panther Man. And you see them very early on. And the Panthermen in this episode look like what I've written down is characters from a Mexican superhero movie porn parody called La Orgia Mystica of Las Panthers. Those are good notes.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. And it seems at first like the Panther men are transforming into Panthers. Yeah, they look like Wizards or something. attacks an old man. And I do like Mr. T early on, like they're looking around. They're trying to figure out what's happening.

And he's like, Jeff, you check over there. Robin, you stay with me. Like, yeah, yeah. Send the shitty boy away and keep the white girl nearby. It turns out everyone left the island because of Panthermen, I guess. Like, they just have fled the island because of Panthermen attacks. You know where I'm good. Yeah.

Right. You know where I'm going to set my mystery of Panther attacks? The Bay Area. The Bay, I thought it was at Manzanita Island, which is like a little vacation home island in New York, in the Hamptons, I think. It says on Manzanita Island in the San Francisco Bay. Okay. So I think they made it up because they didn't, I guess, maybe they couldn't legally say that an island had been depopulated by Panther Men attacks. Just remember, okay, they didn't even know.

the internet was going to exist. So you could just say shit and never check it out and be like, what are they going to do? Call me. I don't care. Yeah. Right. Who fucking cares. Did you notice anything strange about the napkin scene?

Is that on your notes? The napkin scene. Because Mr. T finds a stinky napkin. Oh, yes. That's much later on. Yes. I do have that.

Sorry to jump again. No, yeah. So basically, you know, we're just like, oh, what's the panther man up to? And then Jeff, who is the shitty. lead kind of guy, I guess. I don't know if you call him a lead. I mean, he's a white man and he's present, so I think he's sort of in charge by definition.

He's like, I could make money off of the Pantherman, and this is going to be sort of the crux of the whole lesson that has nothing to do with the actual episode. Although that is what's wrong with America. It's true. The second he sees like a magical mystery of the noble pantherman, he's like, oh, I can make some fucking money off of this. He's like, oh, people are leaving the island and disappearing because of this weird threat.

I guess that's, again, like the episode I chose, it's kind of just the way America works now. It's like scamming money out of something is like, I don't think maybe only 10% of the people even know that's bad at this point. Like, get your bag. You know what I mean? Like, that's how we live our lives now. Bad culture is just fully taken over. And the last episode was just like, do stuff to get attention and then hope someone, Right.

Just finds you. Yeah, that's most of our economy. Jeff would be doing panther men rug pulls, like shit coin rug pulls today. But his plan is like, oh, this journalist is going to write an article about the panthermen kidnapping people or scaring people off. And then he's going to get tourists to come to the island and sell panthermen souvenirs, which I guess. And then what does Jeff? I don't think there's like a finder's fee for like an article. Right.

No. Yeah. Jeff's plan is to make souvenirs. He was going to get four grand for that article. He was going to get more money than most people would think you'd get for an article. Yes. But like none of that goes to Jeff. No, no, no.

Where's his money going to come from aside from the article? It's like you're going to scare people away from the island and then get the like horror freak tourists that want to die? Because I don't think they want stuffed panthers. I don't think that's what they're there for. He wants to start a Bigfoot industry. but for Panther men, I think, is sort of what he's angling for. Yeah, okay. So shirts, thong panties.

Yeah. Yeah. So obviously it becomes clear very early on that this is, we're doing a Scooby-Doo, right? Because a guy shows up to this woman who I guess owns the island somehow and is like, hmm, sell me your island. And she's just like, no, I'll never sell you this island, despite the Panthe Men attacks. And so this is pretty clearly a Scooby-Doo. plot written by a drunk toddler who was told his mother would come back from heaven if he did a

good enough job. And he didn't. But, uh, no. So she's like, no, the ecology, the seals, the baby seals. Oh, I've got a great idea. Seal men. Seal men. The only way to kill a panther man.

So they find out that the panther men are just guys in costumes controlling panthers with dog whistles like seven minutes into the episode. So that would be like. Just for context, that would be like if a third of the way into Scooby-Doo meets the WWF, they found out that the scissor demon of Kenabunkport was just Brutus the Barber Beefcake killing people with scissors. Like, it's just, that's not how this formula works. You don't do that in the first, like, third of the episode.

But, um... You took good notes. But I mean, we got... It's all here. Like, the downfall of America's here. You got Panthers? Yeah. I mean, we are faced facing roving Panthers just in the streets right now.

The major problem with America right now is the, it's the Panther attacks. God, can you imagine if that was the biggest problem in America? But we got, hold on, we got private islands and we got dog whistles too. Oh, wow. That's, wow. Damn. It's all here.

It's all lining up. It's all here. Yeah, I just had the Jeff's a stupid bitch for working with the journalist. There's, Mr. T tries to punch a panther in the face at one point. and then uh that's that should have worked I don't know if you've seen many episodes of this but he has fought bears and sharks

a tiger wants robots like he just because they were so concerned they were so concerned about like we cannot show children people punching each other they'll get ideas you want to punch a fucking bear hell yes yes punching animals is okay there's a moment I really like where they tell the

cop's like, there's panther men everywhere. And the cop is like, ha, ha, ha, that is so stupid. I am not working with the panther man. They don't exist. It's like, okay, buddy. Yeah. Like, okay, so it's obviously the cop and this developer guy dressing up as pantherman. Mr. T describes the cat as the panther escaping by saying, we had another stray cat

looking for a handout, which I don't know what that means. I mean, the cats are like, the attack. Would you say that? If the cat was white. Oh, Matthew McConaughey. The Matthew McConaughey defense. Got you with the McConaughey. Also, there's a character named Spike who we haven't mentioned yet.

He's like the little brother of Robin. And I said that Spike sounds like Ash Ketchum gargling Mr. T's balls, which is kind of like an inversion of Mr. T's usual relationship to balls, right? He's usually the one eating them, which is a great joke if you're 40 years old. Yeah. That was a contemporary. But, uh... One of my contemporaries.

Uh, Robin has a great line where they, they find this fort where the panther men are ostensibly hiding out and someone says like, that, that old fort looks like a good place for Panthers. And then I think Robin just shimes in like, and panther men. Like, yeah, that was fucking implied. Yeah, no shit. It looks like a great place.

You asshole. I fucking hate Robin. Can you just picture all the fucking panthers up there doing tricks and shit? Right. I kick's a great place for him. So this is the napkin part that you were talking about. Yes, I loved this. When Mr. T finds a rag and shoves it under their bus driver, Miss Bisby's nose and says,

get a whiff of this, which I feel like we're a week off from seeing happen to a sitting congressperson. But also like, also how does Miss Bisby immediately clock it as chloroform? Like she's like, that's chloroform. You're a bus driver. There was a part here where he makes Kim smell it. He makes the Asian girl smell it. Because remember, she has a photographic memory. And he says, use your photographic memory to determine the smell.

I'm, I fucking had to pause it and like sit down and just like, oh, like the stupid of that. It just cascaded over my body. Are not giving a shit at this point. Like a crashing panther man. She knows he's her superior, so she can't say, I don't have a fucking smell of A photographic memory. I don't think that's saying. But you can see by it on her face that she wants to.

No, Mr. T. Picture taking a photo of a smell. Smelleroid, I got you. It was written by this guy, Rick Merwin, who, the only other things he, I can tell that he really wrote. I mean, he wrote a bunch of stuff, but I don't know. Like, I don't think he hit the heights of inventing Harley Quinn. He wrote on the Problem Child cartoon.

Okay. So, you know, maybe he wasn't too. Knock off Dennis the Menace. He's not a Paul Dini. Yes, yeah. I mean, this used to be an industry where I'm assuming that guy made millions of dollars doing this. Oh, I mean, I'm sure he lived a very comfortable life. Yeah, just writing on terrible, immediately canceled adaptations of sometimes people.

Writing fucking Mr. Bogus writing. Not beloved movies? Like, what are we? Phantom 2040. That was a good one. We loved, kids loved the Phantom. Fucking Phantom 2040 bought a guy a mansion. Bought like six guys' mansions.

Yeah. Yeah, probably. I get so sad thinking about that. Yeah. They go to the, the Panther Castle. Mm-hmm. To find out that the cops working with the Panthermen, they do like a little stealth segment where they have to like dodge the Panthermen.

and then some, I think it's Jeff, they get thrown in jail. Right. And Panther jail. And Jeff, like, says like, oh, no, the Panther men thing is all a hoax. Like, but his delivery is just insane. Oh, my business plan is in, right. And his face turns bright red. Right.

Oh, no, he's doing the Bigfoot business. But the article just got more, there's now a turn in that article. you know, panthermen key chains with people's names on them anymore. There's a moment I liked here where Robin was like looking around for clues and she sees a panther tail dangling in front of her. And she says, what the hairy heck? And just grips it with both hands. Yeah, it's incredible. This character does not want to live.

Like she's just so sick of this. She just takes it down her throat. You're like, why would you? What kind of a choice is that, Robin? Yeah. Jamie, we can cut that. And also, while I'm talking to you, Jamie, I want like 20 more seconds during that sad silence

when we were all contemplating how the world of media was falling apart, just like really like let that hang. Okay, back to the podcast. Add some like whistling wind. Maybe it ends with like a panther roar just to get us back on track. Oh, that's good. Oh, Panthers. It's a castle, Panther Castle.

The villains like literally Scooby-Doo run away at one. Like I think they, traced the run animation from Scooby-Doo. And then they try to drown Mr. T. Uh-huh. They have a room in this castle that, like, clearly they built because it isn't, like, ancient. They have a, like, a resident evil trap room where, like, he goes into it, and the

door shuts behind him, and the door they go out of shuts, and then it starts filling up with water. Instantly. Splush. You don't have a drowning room? And he got let in there, because when the cop comes out, he's real. suspicious. He's like, hi, I'm, I'm that guy who didn't believe in Panther Man earlier. He's like straight up got like half a Panther hat on still. And, and, but like, Mr. T just doesn't even notice.

I guess he was like a black man in the 80s. So he's like, it's pretty normal for a cop to to not care about crimes and be very suspicious. So maybe that's, that was his weak spot that he didn't immediately clock it as Panther Man suspicious. He just regular bad cop suspicious. Anyway, he's drowning now. Yeah, he's drowning, but he's saved by a character. I haven't mentioned yet, but there's a baby seal that, like... Oh, right. It imprinted on the Mr. T. Dog.

Yes. Mr. T's dog who's named... Dozer? Yeah. And has a Mohawk. And looks like someone's best guess at what a dog might be. Yeah, he looks a little bit like a monk, droom in like the margin of the illuminated main secret. Exactly.

He does a lot of human shit. Like, they hang off a ledge... their hands and paws at one point and the dog's just like yeah sure i can i can hang like a like a man right which is weird because like adding the dog then it's like okay so this is just we are just doing scooby-doo but he doesn't talk but he does do some human things like what are the rules i don't know it's very confusing but um so mr t like the villains are escaping in a helicopter mr t just like hucks a piece of great that was trapping him in the flood zone into the Aliculture.

Snaps it the fucking half. Yeah. The villains, because it's a cartoon, they just fall out into the ocean and they, you know, they're not exploded by the fiery wreck. And this is the first point at which I realized that they're gymnasts because they haven't really done, they haven't used their gymnast skills really to solve crimes or anything. And it hasn't really been mentioned.

But now they're in the gymnasium at the school with no one there doing gymnast stuff. And Mr. T says that the Panther men are going to be in jail until the kids are old, which I said was the second most punitive response ever by a U.S. authorities to a Bay Area Panther themed organization. Ah, see, you knew we were getting political. Yeah. The animators had given up by this point. They're not even animating this one guy's mouth at the end.

Like, Mr. Heath is just like, Mr. T has taught me well, and his mouth isn't moving. Jeff is, you know. They get tired. They, they touch Jeff for trying to make money. money, I guess. Yeah. And, um, yeah, that's, and then it just wraps up with Mr. T's live action thing. Like, before you do the lesson, there was an important power scaling moment that I think will

help people understand the, the immensity of Mr. T's strength. He's coming up some stairs and they throw a cannon at him down the stairs. Oh, I forgot about that. And he front kicks it like up three flights of stairs, like through the castle wall behind them. Right. So that's like what we're dealing. He's not just like. a tough dude. He's full Hulk straight. No, he's, yeah, he's a superhero. And completely invincible

according to all the episodes I've ever seen, where it just like, it seems to annoy him when you try to like stop him. He seems to be annoyed at the very concept of like, oh, this again? Right. I've already proven so many times that I am a god. How many times must we do this farce? Mm-hmm. He's a Dr. Manhattan. Yeah. Yeah. So now we're ready to hear. You're the pantherman lesson. Yeah, so it's fine to make money, but if you try to make money off of other people, maybe, that's not, oh, it's not good. Don't make money off of Panthers. Don't make money off of Panthers.

Don't be a panther. So it's, like, it's just, Jeff's thing had nothing to do with them. Like, he's like, oh, he almost stopped us from solving the mystery. Like, he really didn't. He sort of, like, had this plan and then found out that it wouldn't work and was, like, ashamed. And it's just like, okay, well, I guess if I ever find myself in this specific situation, I won't try to sell Panther Man license plates. But like, yeah, don't sell branded merchandise until you're sure it's, it's actually a monster. Right. It might just be a guy.

Nobody will want branded merchandise of some Panther maniac. I love this lesson. I disagree. We should teach more children to leave some money on the table. Like not everything has to turn to profit. It just enjoy the panthermen. Yeah, like it's this beautiful thing that a rich maniac has given us. And like if that, if that is what our rich maniac like real estate developers were doing today, that would be a beautiful world.

Yeah. If their islands were only for panthermen, it's a much more innocent. The island of the panthermen. And I just also wanted to point out that the theme song to Mr. T was composed by my personal fave, Haim Saban. I don't really care for his musical work or his children's television production.

I'm just a big fan of his incoherent letters to the president demanding another trillion dollars for Israel. Wow. Our most political podcast ever. I don't think we solved America. I don't think we fixed America. That's okay. There's one more lesson, and that's the episode I picked. The episode of the Mr. T cartoon that accidentally predicted a major disaster and ended the entire series forever.

And we're going to get to that on the bonus episode. That's right. We're paywalling the Salvation of America. Einstein, who did Frankfurt? Please welcome once again, one-nine hundred autosific insult comedian. Who makes things too real? It's Mr. Jimmy. Bousy to be here.

Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosston here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54, just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. What's the matter? A little too real for you?

Yeah, working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hesbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this, it's Alpha Scientist Java. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on Safari with this guy and I watched him kill a white rhino, so he could power

and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime. Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava. I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters and your elderly self is gonna curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying something. Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brockway famously loves the meat milly. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, ho. Keep seeking that validation from Camgirls and escrowell. That's you. That's what you do. That's not me. Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about you. Like, uh, like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling common sense's mother, Mrs. Had a positive influence on common sense's body dysmorphia.

Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing. about neither of us. All right? I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man racked by consumption. Like, that's, I'm happy being big and healthy.

That's what I like. That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoyne. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl.

I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello, he once watched someone. He loved Drown, and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song. rights to Phil Collins. You guys gotta stop trusting me with your secrets. Oh, sorry, I hiccoughed

while doing that one and it came out weird. I won't happen again. Delta Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing stuff you did, but I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh, back to no, normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke. Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope. Oh, ho! Oh, all right, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christianberg. Look at that ball cap. They call this.

The receding hairline special. Oh! I got Fancy Shark. I got Garrett. I got Jello. I got good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this. It's Greg Cunningham.

Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college. Oh! That one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka, a Harvey Pangweeney. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk.

Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack, I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes. That's what he's going to do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure.

This guy does. Not me. Jeff Arraski. John McCam and I got John Minkoff Hey you smell like extra marital sex my man Everyone can smell it even your wife there next to you She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life Cause she don't know she's worth 10 of you

Cause she's too fucking stupid oh I got you both I'm sorry there was again That's uh that's weird I don't know what's going on with that Okay I got I got I got I got I got Joseph Searle's here. I got Josh S. I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B. I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M. Your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one. That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay. Okay. We got Kmootisus. We got KVH. We got Lane Heygood. We got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work. because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa. They don't think you're weird.

They don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. Amjahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Boreoy, mercenary, Sissadman, Michael Lair, A-Mojou, you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story.

Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things. They just haunt you. Uh, Mort. I got Mort here. I got Mr. Bob Gray. I got ND.

What does ND stand for? Non-descript? Oh! That one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke.

Neil Bailey? Neil Bailey liked that, oh. Right? Right? Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff. Am I right? Ha ha.

I hate that stuff. He loves it, though. Neil Schaefer. I got Neku 104. I got Nick Levino. I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it. I can see it obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me. Ornui Weevil. I got Ozzie Olin. I got Patrick Herbst. I got Pee Wee's uncle. I got rebrandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tight. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time.

Hey, Rhea, I got Russell Bowman, I got Sam Copnik, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Champ fan. Space Jam fan, now this is a guy who sees an old-timey Fop or Dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little Molan, and he's like, ooh, that's me. That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are.

Hey, spotty reception. A super knot. Tater's Tales. Thomas Cavatzos. Oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man? You take one look at him and you just know. You just know.

This guy? This guy likes to titter. I got you, Thomas. I got your tittering ass. Timmy Leahy, Toastegad, Tommy G., Velo, Victor Malavankin, booster. don't sink down in your seat. Now Booster, I see you. I got you. I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying. Some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your

quips, Rybalt. That's you. That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clappham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here. And I just know this guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies and he don't know. He don't know. Are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe

never existed at all? But that don't matter to John Dean because every time he sees them boys minson and pranton, he thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. and he goes and he becomes an insult comic because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern day man equivalent is of that. But it just doesn't fulfill, you know?

It's not enough for John Dean. He thinks he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here. You know, telling it like it is, and everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it, John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a rome.

real being a fop with a savage wit. I see you John Dean all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that that was what you were. That's you. That's what that's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh.