The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 266, Sampson and Sally with Meagan Brockway

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

Brockway and Seanbaby ask Brockway's wife, Meagan, for her cursed media origin story. She answers with Samson & Sally: a Danish animated film about cute lil' whale children on a search for the legendary Moby Dick. Along the way they'll find their families' corpses, the dancing dead of every war, insane irradiated walruses, and yes! Eventually they do find Moby Dick (dying from dementia). ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert is going to jail because you didn't buy his book. But it's not too late to help him win some creature comforts in prison. Every copy goes toward the commissary fund! https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriendd ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's last comedy website. I'm Robert Brockway, which in Denmark, I believe it's pronounced, hold on, I want to make sure I get this right. Horven-Heben-Hob and Horf and Horf and with me

is my co-host. His name is pronounced exactly the same, but it means a kind of hopeless fish. It's Sean maybe. And a happy Holbeenhorf. And hovin hove and hoover and her to you. And, all right, I guess today she's, uh, she's the secret member of 1,900 Hot Dogg. It's my wife, Megan Brockway.

Uh, thank you so much for having me. That was really sweet. Yeah, I do feel like in a weird way, I've been like a, I don't know, a shadow support or something as far as, uh, bringing cursed media to, uh, to help my husband's career. So. Absolutely. Yeah. Stolen valor, 100%. Megan is responsible for some real foundational hot dog.

People in the Discord know this. She's the reason we have cocktails. Fucking cocktails is funny. Oh, cocktails. We owe cocktails to you? That's amazing. Yep. What else?

She, uh, oh, mountain monsters. She's the reason we have mountain monsters. Yep. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. She originally sent me a clip. Uh, I think it was just the clip of Huckleberry under the,

of the waterfall, like shivering. Absolutely. And I think the email was sent at like 3 a.m. And the subject was, I saw him. I saw the devil. And it was just Huckleberry getting pissed on by this rock. And the rest is history. And we didn't, okay, we didn't even know.

I did not know at the time. I watched that and then I scanned around for some clips to be like, whoa, is this something we should talk about? I did not know at the time and only realized now that he was erotically showering for a psychic big foot. You could have seen that coming. I did, if you would have told me, I know the context for this clip. He's showering for Bigfoot because he's being compelled psychically.

I would have been, I would not have believed you. But yeah, all that and more. Megan's pretty foundational. Like 30% of the stuff that I bring is actually from Megan. So we are doing like an origin stories kind of thing. That kind of has ended as a series, but it's something we can always get back to. for a one shot. Why not?

We wanted to do Megan's, but before that, well, this is weird. Megan, do you have anything to plug? Yeah, actually, I wanted to plug my husband's new book, but I realized that legally I don't really have to. And also, the book wasn't dedicated to me this time, so I kind of don't feel even, you know, like a moral obligation to do so. So I'm going to promote the, or plug, sorry, I'm going to plug the 1,900 Hot Dog Discord

because I think that is an unsung perk of joining the Patreon. And it is a fascinating stew of personalities. It's somehow self-regulating, like, I don't know, a vagina in some way. It's very strange, but it is a lot like a vagina. Like a powerful vagina. Mm-hmm. I've always said. But yeah, I would really like to plug the 1-900 Hot Dog Discord. Wow, what a power move. Because otherwise, I'm a very normal person. I'm a normal girl with a normal job. I have no other prospects, I guess. So yeah, that's all I want to plug. It's a that's a power move though

The only person that's come on and plugged like our fans is like go go meet all of the wonderful fans like just made us look like pieces of shit Just real trash up here Sean what would you like to plug I'll plug my partner's book I'm of course talking about Merritt Kay And her book Land Party I actually just met Merritt Kay for the first time I went up to Seattle and we did a karaoke booth together. She's charming and beautiful. And it was a great visit because

we screamed songs at each other the whole time and hardly had a single conversation, which is, I think, the best way to interact with your fellow humans. That is just wordlessly wrestling, just showing up, not saying a word. We did some of that too. Because it's like, she's been doing the moitai. And if like rough housing starts, I'm fucking in it. I'm, I'm, my first. My favorite thing to happen as a party is like, oh, you guys pro wrestling over here? Okay. I am, of course, legally obligated to promote my new book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. This is the part where I usually threaten everyone I love to selfishly keep myself out of prison, but I'm not doing that. Not because I learned a lesson about doing

that, but because it didn't work and I'm going to prison. So the good news here, prison whips ass. They do everything right. They limit your internet access. You get a lot of mashed potatoes. Push-ups are respected. It's just, it's a good time. So buy my book because it's good. It's apparently good. People have been saying it's good, which is, nobody's more surprised about that than me. Who knows?

It's got a third edition getting printed now, right? Yeah, the third run getting printed. So if you find one of them out in the wild that's got like fancy sprayed edges and a little gold foil thing on the spine, buy it because those are now limited edition, I guess. I guess they're collector's items because like the second and third runs are not going to have that. that's my plug. Yeah. You know, I do got to say, though, if you're going to buy the book, instead of buying five, maybe buy like three.

I just want to give Robert some time in prison. You want some time to yourself. Oh, I see how this is. He's out of my hair, and I really want him to come back like swole. Like just give that boy some time to get real big. All right. I was going to get mad at that, but I'm actually on board with that. So only

buy three copies of my book if you want me to be huge and ready for revenge when I get out of prison. If you would rather, for whatever reason, have me smaller and easier to take in a fight, buy more copies. Up them copies.

Get them up there. Either way, somebody's winning. And it's all of you, the readers of my fantastic book. There we go. That's a plug. All right. It's a really good plug. All right.

Now let's get to Megan's origin. story. Megan's origin story was really, but she sprung this on me early when we started doing this series. And what was, you said something else at first, something you were, you said, I don't know. Oh, yes. And you gave me shit about it for like weeks. I said, I thought about it for like two seconds.

I said, well, maybe it's deep impact, which was like a nothing disaster movie from, what, 96 or something. but like it's it that was the one where I had my first like shared like oh this movie is shit but it's really fun because I'm like laughing at it with other people that was like my first collective you know

garbage enjoyment but like as I thought about it more I went real far back so the movie we're talking about tonight I think I first saw it when I was four or five and it was, it was like biblical in my family. We watched it probably weekly, so, you know, and then... My God.

Yes. Oh, yeah. This movie is so weird. Oh, it's fucked. It's called Samson and Sally. It's a 1984 animated Danish children's film. Mm-hmm. About Wales.

It's about Wales. It was directed by a guy named Janik Hostrup, who was basically a Denmark children's animation guy, he wrote, directed, animated, started a major studio, made all of their movies. And they're all sort of, I looked through a few of them, they're all sort of like this because he was rad, but also completely insane. Like, for example, one of his films, he had this beloved little elf character. And by little elf character, I mean like the European sense of the elf. Like, it's really just like a weird little girl who's like a quarter inch tall. And her, like, her little backstory was she sleeping.

in a matchbox on my desk. And these are her adventures. It was like real cute. And she starred in a film called Escape from America, where she, little half inch pixie thing, and a mouse friend went to America where they befriended one of the Black Panthers

who got executed in the street by corrupt police and then they had to escape. That's way too American. I thought they would like go to the M&M store and buy some hot dogs, but no, they got real America. They got real America. Maximum America.

That was four children. It got, they did ban that one, but the rest of his books were kind of like that. Books, the rest of his movies were kind of like that. So people have known We're assholes for like 40 years? Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. That's embarrassing. Like, probably longer than that.

That's like Samson and Sally. It was adapted from a book called The Song of the Wales by a guy named Bent Holler, who's so Nordic, it circled. around being hillbilly again. Bent holler. I wish I knew that. I kind of want to read the book to see like, because there was a skeleton of something in here

where I'm like, wait, wait, this was art at one point. Before somebody fucked it up, this was saying something. So maybe the book is good. Do we know? I haven't read the book, Megan. Did you read the books? You know what? If I looked up, I wonder if I would recognize the cover.

It's not ringing a bell, and I can't imagine what you would remove from this movie to make it better in a book? Like, yes, there is definitely, like, the skeleton of the story is something. It's got immoral. It's, you know, whatever. Children love that shit. But how much better could the book be? Yeah, well, you wouldn't have the one song, which, of course, we'll get to. So I would argue it could only be worse.

I have a couple more fun facts before we launch on the movie. In the original Danish version, Samson was voiced by a guy named Jesper Klein, and he starred in other movies called Tough Guys of the Prairie. Ooh, okay. Gold for the Tough Guys of the Prairie. Okay, these are both pornographic films, obviously. And The Great Day at the Beach. Well, that's when they have the beach episode.

Of course. These guys on the prairie, yeah. Well, Moby Dick, in the Danish version, was voiced by Per Pallison, who went on to direct a movie called Help, My Daughter Wants to Marry. Real Nordic problems that he's dealing with over there. Let's say this was distributed by a brand called Just for Kids. It was a branch of celebrity home entertainment run by a guy named Noel Bloom, and they had the rights to some really major shit. They had the rights to Brave Star, Ghostbusters. not the one you're thinking of.

The gorilla one? Yeah, the gorilla one. Cops, also not the one you're thinking of, the one with the little dog with the brain and stuff. G.I. Joe, they got G.I. Joe. They also did quite a lot of softcore pornography, so they had like both ends, both ends covered.

Tough fellas on the prairie, yeah. And that was still under the umbrella of just for kids? No, no, no, no. Okay, okay. That was a different umbrella, but all the same company. They just really ran the game. Softcore pornography for kids.

Finally. And this VHS, if we all watch the same copy, the VHS opens with an awkward child named Noel. And this is Noel Bloom, the owner of Just for Kids, the celebrity, home entertainment, the whole thing. This is his son, the really awkward child in the braces who introduces the whole thing. That's Noel Jr.? That's how he involved his son in the business. Because he put him front and center and he should. not have been. He teaches

kids how to adjust the tracking and whoever recorded this one did not fucking listen. This copy was god-awful. I'm only 40% sure of the things that we watched actually happened. You know, it truly was awful and I think you said you got it from archive.org but

yeah, it's terrible. But for me it was like a nice, warm bath because that's how worn out my VHS was. Like you couldn't, like You couldn't show that VHS to friend. Like, that wasn't, you didn't introduce them to this movie via that VHS, because you couldn't see shit.

You couldn't see half the screen for like a third of the movie. But it was very familiar to me, and that just made me love it all the more. This might have been your copy, like depending, depending on the, where they reround all that. Like, oh. How many could there? Well, I will say there were two copies. We had, we wore the first one out too much. We had to buy a second one.

Oh, my God. Where did you even find the second one? I don't even know. But the second one was clear lime green plastic, which was so sick. Ooh. That was pretty sick. Yeah, it was very sick. I would argue that's not the right tone for this movie.

That's like a Nickelodeon skateboarding movie or something. Yeah. This movie does have a lot of toxic waste. Maybe that's what they were going for. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it could have been the radioactive edition. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

What's the animator's name? Yanni juxtrap? Yonnie jockstrap's like, I want to carry that radioactive theme into the actual physical media. They're like, you're a genius. That is some shit, I believe you would say. All right, when you put it like that, in art speak, I think that's probably, yeah,

that's probably what happened. That's got to be it. So getting into the actual movie, it's about Samson and Sally, who are two very young, naive whale children. They see a whaling ship, disappear over the horizon and Samson's father tells them that the iron beast has finally left so all the rest of the herd can surface.

I think you're underselling like the lack of rush to get there. Like they really, really let you sit there and wonder, what the fuck am I looking at? Like, we watched that boat leave for, it felt like minutes. And it took a long time for the pod to surface too. Yeah. And the very first, the very first line was, the Iron Beast has gone away. Like, what children's movie opens with that line?

Yeah. That's crazy. It goes pretty hard. And you know how like a whale comes out of the water and they blast their blowhole? It's this mighty geyser of pressure. But that's not really the choice they went with here. Nope. The whales all kind of pop up just fart out of their heads.

Well, it's because they didn't use the whale sound effect. They made all of the voice actors do the breach sounds. Right. So the whale surface and it's just a bunch of people going, that's the sound of a whale breaching. So Little Sampson, Little Sampson breaches and his mighty breach, it sounds like this. Knocks a seagull out of the air. And this seagull is, I think, by context, supposed to be the comic relief.

But really all it does is piss you off every second. Yeah, it's a total dick. So there's, I got real frustrated here because, like, the, uh, the seagull lands on him and he like, the whale does like a sneeze for about 20 minutes, just like, ah, ah, like he's going to sneeze. And then he finally sneezes. And then the bird's like, you gotta warn me when you do that? And I'm like, what?

Am I crazy? Like, he fucking warned you for 20 minutes. We've all been sitting here during the warning. And I think this is like this thing you see in these old cartoons where like something will happen like that. And you can feel like the terrible effort of making it. like all the goddamn frames of animation they had to draw, but not the purpose.

Like, you don't know why they made this. Clearly something was meant to be, but like something happened during the creative process that made it incoherent. Like a maniac drew and drew and drew, because that's what the script called for, and they see it. And maybe they also noticed like,

oh, this is nothing. We can't show this sneeze thing to anybody. But they don't have a choice. They got to leave it in. And I might have just described 80% of this cartoon, but like that's what I'm seeing here. It's like, oh, there's like no, no one on staff who could say, hey, cut all this. We got to retool the sneeze scene.

Yeah, I think that everybody, there are so many scenes throughout this movie that feel that everybody got to kind of focus on one thing. They were just really interested in animating. So, you know, Bjorne was really into sneezing and he really wanted to capture that. So he just did that. And then you couldn't cut it because he would be devastated. Like, I don't know. Yeah, we know what that's about now.

Like, we were more innocent in the 80s, Bjorn. But, yeah, we know what that's about now. So Samson's main character trait is that he's a liar. He's overly boastful. So he brags about how he'd slap the Iron Beast with his tail, if it only came back here. His other thing is that he really hates eating octopus. But that's too bad since that's all whales eat.

So, like, right now we're set up for the character arc, right? He's Samson, you know, he's bragging about his strength. He's got to do two things. He's got to learn to be more honest and humble. And, like, way less down the chain, way less importantly, I guess he has to learn to, like, octopus. So, like, just keep that in mind. Right. As the two main character things, he'll have to learn.

Okay. Well, he's still weaning. He's not on solid food yet, you know. Also keep that in mind. Really remember the age of this whale as we go forward. He's just barely on solid food. Like he's trying to learn how to hunt and like his own solid food. Yeah.

He's the age range we're looking at. So Samson's dad comes in to lecture him about bragging too much. And like the voice actor makes a very weird choice here by kind of not making a choice in that he just does his normal guy voice. where like even Samson is giving I'm a big fat whale like everybody's doing that and the women are doing the really overly breathy fairy

thing that they all did in the 80s whenever they had to do an animal Samson's Dad is just like hey knock it off which is it's a really weird thing to come out of a whale like a cartoon whale

the voice actor goes in there how are you gonna do the characters like I got it don't trust me I've been up all night working on my method Samson take out the whale trash Okay But it's not even that like harsh

It's like it's it's receiving a text from your dad and it has the thumbs up emoji after it Like that's the tone of his voice acting You're right it's a very checked out whale dad Yep Mm-hmm mm-hmm So they talk about Moby Dick who is a legend to the whales but has disappeared some time ago They don't specify when And then oh another thing another thing Samson sucks at is holding his breath

That you gotta remember that too Which is like that's a pretty pretty bad thing for a whale to suck at. But, you know, it'll be interesting to watch the movie and see how he overcomes this adversity, you know, what challenges this presents. I don't know if we've made clear how awful this bird is. Like, you're picturing like a bird like making wisecracks, but no, he's a dick. Like, they call the whale Samson and the bird's like, ha, ha, ha, Samson, but you're a total pussy. Like, does he do this every time someone uses his name? He has to kill this bird is my point. Also,

the seagull is a witch. Why is the seagull a witch? He's not that classic witch cackle. It's, I guess it's trying to be like, you know, Gilbert Godfrey, charmingly obnoxious, but it does come across as just straight up witch. And they don't really

write any punchline, so it's just be, it's a witch being a jerk. And this witch may have cursed herself to turn into a bird and it's now just really upset about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's probably what happened. It's just manifesting his whale abuse. It's another story of America. So they go hunting and we do see the first octopus and it is it is portrayed very offensively to

someone. I'm not sure who. But like if you told me if you told me this octopus is what the Danish think of fins, I would be like, oh shit, that's not okay. Yeah, that's mean. Okay, this octopus, the way I read this scene is he saw this whale and he just immediately started having sex with it. Is that, am I crazy? He like grabs that whale from behind and starts humping. Like, he's going to just spend his last moments penetrating its most dangerous predator. They just went out like a champ. Yeah. Okay, good. So it's not just me. I was like, no. Okay. So this one along, Simon and his dad stumble, finally stumble across Sally of Sancton, Sally. She's another child whale about his age, which is to say very young. She says

that she lost her herd and she saw her mother killed, uh, to which Samson says, well, you should have just whacked the iron beast that got her with your tail. Oh, that fucker. Yeah,

the rest of this movie should have just been Sally beating the shit out of Samson. Yeah. She should hate him so much. Mm-hmm. Doesn't have a response to that. Yeah. No, I mean,

she was completely shell shocked. Like, and the tone of the voice actress was just, you know, was like, then the sea was red. I want my mom. Yeah, she's like lamenting the loss of the loss of her family.

And Samson's just like doing wacky side. He does not get the emotional tone of the scene. Like maybe they weren't they weren't in the booth together when they were recording these. Like did they have milkshakes? Did they have milkshakes there at the slaughter of your mother? No. No. Families did.

I guess if you were to make them, it would be from the corpse of my slaughtered mother. I don't, I don't know what to say about this one. So they basically adopt. They basically adopt Sally. Like the herd and specifically Samson's family, his mom and dad, adopt her. So now she's more or less Samson's stepsister. That's another thing to keep in mind going forward. They say herd in the movie, by the way.

I know a lot of listeners are probably like, don't you call away outgroups pods? You can call them herds and the movie calls them herds. I just try to get that out of the way. Please bring it up in the discord. Everyone's going to love to argue about that shit. People will. Some people just cannot help But they just watch their fingers do it

Like, why am I typing this? Oh, God So Samson's mom tells him the story of Moby Dick Who the humans wanted to kill Because he was the wisest whale of all And he only attacked ships That attacked him first So he's like, I guess he's not so subtly

Being turned into whale propaganda They're just like No, they didn't want us fat He was so wise that they wanted to kill him I made a note of that too. The only in self-defense thing was really strange, especially since they just introduced a character whose parents were slaughtered by the humans.

They're like, all right, we're not making an anti-human film. You know, this whale, I don't know. It was weird to me. It was a strange caveat. So there's a little cutaway, a little cutaway short about Captain Ahab and Moby Dick. And I didn't take a lot of notes on this part. Captain Ahab is rocking a really sweet pink trench coat.

I thought was an interesting design choice. And he speaks with the voice of Harvey Firestein. So like, you don't really, I don't know, you don't really root against him. You're like, that guy kind of kicks ass. It's another scene where I was like, of all the scenes to not get going, why this one? Like he just patiently sits in his will, but for like a full minute, just waiting for revenge. Just like the way we all think of Ahab, just quietly hanging out, waiting for his shot. he eventually does he tries to kill

Moby Dick and his ship gets crashed and he dies himself and they say that's the last anyone ever saw Moby Dick like the shame of killing all of those people drove him into seclusion or something but his mom says one day Moby Dick will return to

save all whales so yeah I don't know I don't know why I never put this together as a child but Moby Dick is Jesus? Yeah, he's a whale Christ. Well, no, no. He's whale Christ. He's a whale Christ. He's a whale Christ.

Because he does fight back a little bit. Like, you got to start at first, but he won't fight back. Only self-defense, though. Mm-hmm. The wisest of all. Anyway, keep in mind he's a whale Christ. He's a Miyagi. Yeah. He's a Miyagi whale Christ. Or a Miyagi. Just keep in mind like that's the figure. We're looking for, this mythical figure. So Samson and Sally go to play and to break the ice. as they're sitting there kind of in an awkward silence, Samson asks Sally, freshly orphaned Sally,

hey, what's the worst thing you know of? That means he's a bad listener on top of everything else because she introduced yourself with the worst thing. Yeah, and she answers pretty much. She says being alone and lost from my herd, and he replies, well, my worst thing is octopuses. He was just assaulted by an octopus. foot. So, I mean, his is, his is. Yeah, but this scene should end with, with Sally just like

bearing her teeth and spinning on them and then hard cut to credits. Like, 100%. Yeah. That's no one has, no one has ever hated anyone like Sally should hate Samson. Yeah, what does not? Uh, I don't know, they screw around for a little bit. They go bully a bear for no apparent reason. Yeah. That's fucked up. Oh, yeah, there was that polar bear that, because in this scene also there's like just this montage of like creature eating creature and then something eats that creature it's like so many dead and dying animals in like very quick sequence and then this polar bear falls in the water and they're just like bopping him about it's it's just it's really rude actually yeah yeah and for no reason no end sees them and he's going to eat them

and i have in my notes that i think that killer whale's the good guy like he saw them being a bully to the polar bear and he's like these fucking dicks not on my watch yeah like these these whales don't know just how in danger that guy is like they can't be doing that seriously yeah they get they get chased by killer whales next they get chased by killer whales

and the killer whales don't get voices which I think was probably a good call because it would have been that same guy like all right we're coming after you Jesus they don't get voices but we do get really kicks in the sinister jazz soundtrack, by which I mean, just a drum machine falling down the stairs. I took a clip.

Yeah. Oh, good. Intensity. That was the fucking music to my favorite children's movie. Oh, my God. The soundtrack of your childhood. You guys know that one song that's like, fuck, bop, bach, bunk, bok, fuck, fuck, bach, bach, bach. It's like, it's just this weird Eastern European pink flunk.

fever dream, just like bullshit, just like, oh my God, or it's pure silence. That's the thing about this soundtrack. It's just pure silence or just clang, clang, blub-doo-do, just so much. Oh, my God. It is just a horror show, an audio horror show. The mixing, the voices, the soundtrack, it sounds, it sounds terrible. I actually have another clip. Jesus. Yeah, this shit was crazy Because They just get attacked by ghosts While they're in the sunken ship

And it's like Are it his imagination? Are they ghosts? And then the music's screaming at you That doesn't help None of the ghosts are saying things Hold on, they hide from the killer whales in a ship If you're wondering where the ship came from.

Yeah, yeah And he's like scared shitless by this piano He sees the piano keys It's like the teeth and his, you know, in his panic and with his child whale imagination, he's just like, you know, seeing creatures and like the remnants of this sunken ship. And then you've also got like 15 metal pipes being thrown into a clown car going on the background used it for some reason. Just an audibly hates you. Just like, this is how you tell somebody you hate them without words. And he goes, he flies through a curtain because he got scared of the piano and now he looks like

like a Pac-Man ghost kind of, but more like a jellyfish I would imagine to a sea creature. But the killer whales are like, oh my God, a jellyfish, we got to get the fuck out of here. Well, that was, I think they're like, oh my God, a ghost. Yeah, they seem to read it as a ghost. They know what ghosts are, of course. Yeah. Yeah. But also that was Sally.

It wasn't Samson. We cannot give Samson a single shred of credit for anything in this film. I just want to make it clear. That was Sally that accidentally freaked out. He was cowering while Sally was terrifying the killer whales with her jellyfish ghost routine. I just like the equality of this and that like you assume that because we have little child's ghost costume that's like a person in a sheet with holes cut out, you're like, oh, that's

what a human ghost looks like. And now we know, no, no, whale ghosts look like that too. Because the killer whales are like, oh, fuck, that's a ghost. We got to get out of here. It's a ghost down here in the ocean that looks like a child in a ghost costume. him. That's just what ghosts look like. It's a nice little, nice little fact. Pac-Man has been eating whales all these years.

Could have been eating anything, man. It's true. Gorillas? Could have been Donkey Kong, like revenge on Donkey Kong. Yeah. For sending him to hell? Trapping him to the eternal maze of hell. Okay, so they sneak out of the ship to get air because, remember, Samson sucks at holding his breath.

So that's going to be a big, big part of his character is learning to overcome that. The killer whales see them and start closing in. And then Samson's dad comes out of nowhere and headbuts the fuck out of them. Like they make sure that you see one whale is really fucked up in a way that it will later die from. Yeah, yeah. He crumples that killer whale into tinfoil. Like they show one of his fins not working, like with broken in half and he's just like lipping away. Like it's going to die.

It's going to die from that. that's not the first time they do something like that. Almost every character we meet in this movie gets maimed and left for dead. Or just straight up dies on screen. Or, yeah, dies on camera, absolutely. So Samson's dad says he wants them, he's disappointed in them, he wants them to practice getting away from danger. And he says, you have to take a deep breath and follow me way down into the deep.

Follow daddy into the deep. And then be really quiet. Pretend like an Iron Beast is following you. So what they do is Samson. immediately says, okay, now we have to take a deep breath and like violates it immediately. Then he sneezes and his dad's like, God, damn it, I'd say, be quiet. Come on, kid. And then they get all the way down on the ocean floor and completely forget everything he said

and just kind of fuck around and swim away. And we actually don't see the dad again for a very long time. So he thought they were following him. Well, you do hear him at some point from off screen going like, you're wasting time. Remember, you're in danger. smiley face emoticon, like, thanks dad for texting me. Like, fuck. It honestly, it takes so long and it's so weird that it kind of feels like a,

like a whale training video. Like someone made this four whales, four whale children to learn how to hold their breath underwater. Like, I think, I think this is maybe one of those points in a movie where like, it could make sense to pretend that Samson just couldn't hold his breath that far down, and he died. And the rest of this movie is his brain. spasoming.

Yeah. Because what happens next is they swim over to a destroyed oil rig where they meet two walruses who speak to them in perfect English at first. Yes. Oh, let's get into it. They speak to them in perfect English at first. And then Megan and I, when we were looking up this movie, we saw just this scene, this next scene, which they're about to do a little song.

And we thought, oh, this is from like the Danish version. Yep. So we thought when this scene starts, we're going to see the English version of that. And here's what we did here. Want to see us? Do our stuff? Scozyl or harbour, hold your haul, you bops. Ha, ha.

I'm not. No. Flet's what? Ha. Ha. What about? What about? What about?

Flak. Fleck. Flaky. Fault. Flai. Fault. God damn it. Oh, God damn it.

Oh, no, you cut it too soon. Fuck. Fuck. It sounds like someone making fun of that. Like, it does. It sounds like a very cruel impression. So, okay, at the very start, I made what might sound like a very bigoted joke

about how the Danes would pronounce my name. I just want to be clear. I was referencing this scene, which is where they make a very bigoted joke about themselves, apparently. It's like, if I went into like a Danish supermarket and was like, here's you guys and started making and just did a pitch perfect cover of this song. Like, I would expect them to beat the shit out of me. Yeah.

Probably. Fair enough. But they're like, no. No, that's in our movie. That's exactly how it sounds. That's how they do their stuff. That's what they say. I didn't really cut out any vital context.

Like, Samson just asked, hey, who are you? And they don't answer. They say, you want to watch us do our stuff? And what they do is that. And what they do so much more. It's accompanied by, let's see, my notes here say, they dive into the water. The walrus says dive into the water. And they do like a vaudeville dance medley with all the generations of man who have died in war.

Uh, yes, the underwater graveyard of like man's folly and trying to tame the ocean. Yeah, that's exactly it. Because they, there's a lot of pollution stuff. They do a Noah's Ark thing. And that was weird. Yes. Like in this timeline, Noah's Ark didn't make it. Yeah.

They all died. These are the skeletal remains of Noah's Ark. They find, okay, speaking of skeletal remains, they find some skeleton slaves getting whipped. And then the walrus is. dance in their shattered slave remains. Like they stack up the bones and defile them. Yeah. And then it just cuts away.

Like they open a can of sardines and the fish come out and they sing as they dance into one of their stomachs. It's full madness. They also dance on a V2 missile. Just a little fun fact to the atrocities of war. Then they do some drumming on some minds. More skeletons. They do another dance routine with even more skeletons. And then they bring a drumming.

of toxic waste back up with them to the surface on the oil rig. It gets exploded back up because the seamine goes off next to the radioactive barrels. They all get launched back onto their trash. And then they play bongos on the toxic waste until it ruptures. And it poisons all the fish and they die. And then the walrus eat the poison fish and then their teeth fall out. And it's heavily implied like they begin to die. At which point, Samson turns this alley and says,

it's getting dark, we better go home. Yes. No mention of what... Oh my God. Fuck. I can't, I cannot let this scene go on before giving props to that fucking song. So after, after the gibberish, after the gibberish, after the gibberish, the song, they just kind of like, bop, blah, b'at, like along to, all my childhood, anybody would go into the kitchen. be by themselves in silence for five seconds and just start going,

but, but, ba, da da da da, every single fucking member of my family. That song, if I went to my family's house and started singing that today, they would all just join in,

like, foundational, just nonsense to be, like, scream singing in the kitchen. It's just, like, that song was so...

All the movies. Exactly. Exactly. And what I'm hearing is the next time we go over to your families, I should just start going, heap he, he, and who went hobble, hobble he? And they would like, they'll just join right in. Say, hey, who wants to watch me to do my stuff? Watch them, I want to watch me do my stuff?

And then I'll bring out all the skeletons of everyone who was enslaved. Oh, God. Well, maybe that's why the song was so enduring in my family was because, like, the second, my family's very loud. It's just a loud family. Robert can attest. We scream at each other across the house. I'm sure a lot of you also have loud families like this.

But the second you're in a room alone for five seconds and nothing is talking at you or screaming at you in that room, you just start making noise. And it's just, it just comes out. And so I think in a way we really glommed onto that song because of, you know, generational trauma, our own like skeletons and fucking radioactive waste under the sea. You just got to quell that down and go,

but, I wish you would take it a clip of that song. It's so stupid, but like, I will be fully in the throes of dementia and still breaking out into that song. I just know it. And then you'll have to tell your nurse about, well, there's all the skeleton slaves under the sea

and all the, all the mankind that, has died in war down there? You're like, Jesus Christ this lady's got super dementia. She got that Moby Dick dementia.

I just can't believe that like I would never have guessed if somebody said you want to see me do my stuff I would never have guessed

that what they do next is dance with a skeleton army and then die of radiation poisoning. I would have been like fuck. That's absolutely

toss a dollar in the hat for that. I did not see that. coming. Yep. I also just love that he doesn't comment on it. He doesn't say anything about it. Samson, after all of this sober, just said, it's getting dark. We got to go. Yeah. I mean, what would you say? That turned really dark. It took a turn.

Well, well, Sally, that just happened. Like, there's no wisecrack after that, after what you just saw. You just leave. So they do. They leave and they go home and they realize they're lost and they swim too close to an iron beast in the dark and they find a they find a hoisted whale carcass up there swim away from it before they see they go that it doesn't look dangerous and then they see a fucking dead whale yeah and this is like sometimes the movie reminds you that this kid is a total dip shit he says what's that whale doing up there yeah and meanwhile it's like pitch black you only see like the dead whales like teeth and eye yeah reflecting out of the

the darkness. And yeah, they didn't realize what it was until they got very close. And it was like... And they still didn't. They're like, oh, he must have gone up there for a nap. I'm an idiot. Bye. Meanwhile, the boat is playing some jaunty like accordion music because they just caught this massive whale. Everyone's going to be fed through the winter. Well, actually, what they have to do now is take that 200-ton monster and boil its blubber on the ship itself in a thing that cover. is everyone in Greece and and torched flesh. I think being on a whaling ship is the

worst thing you could ever be. And then you got to take... The boring parts of Moby Dick. They did that on the boat. They rendered all of it on the boat. Well, yeah, I guess you wouldn't want that stink to, like, be lingering on land. I guess it makes sense.

You just couldn't. You couldn't, like, it would go bad. I don't know. This is like, everybody thinks Moby Dick is the story of Ahab hunting Moby Dick. That's like, I don't know, 20% of the book. And the other 80% is just,

like, fucking whaling sucks, man. Oh, yeah, well, see, I haven't read the Samson and Sally prequel yet, so thanks for spoiling it. So elsewhere, Samson's mom asks the obnoxious Seagull to go find them, because she knows there's that iron beast nearby, and sure enough, it does start chasing Samson and Sally. The Seagull intervenes with what I guess passes for antics in Denmark. I don't know. Maybe we need to do like a live aid for them, but like with antics, because like, they, They need some help. Yeah.

Yeah, I like how the seagull is like, I've got a plan. And I don't think he did. I really, nothing about that was planned. There's no recognizable, like, zany prank that he does. He just starts kind of slapping him around the head, landing on him, moving stuff around. Like, it's not, it's not anything. And it takes so long. Of all the things in the movie, yeah, it's one of the weirdest.

And we just described two Walters exploding themselves on, like, radio. back to bombs. Oh, it's just, I don't know. It lasts for six hours, too. Yeah, yeah. The bird, like, shows him off the ship. No, no, he pulls his hat down.

And then he's like, oh, my hat is down. I must just sprint in a direction. And he falls off, but he gets tied up on his harpoon line. And so when he climbs up, he's like pulling a harpoon right into his face. And they do a bit like, yeah, come up. I'll shoot you in the fucking face, human. And they do that. 20 times? It's insane.

And then the bird just ties him up. The guy got completely defeated five different ways by a seagull. Yeah, he just lost, like, he lost all of his morale. He just sat down and was tied up by a seagull in the end. I guess that's what his plan was. And it works. Samson and Sally, they swim back to their herd where Samson's dad hears him boasting and it's just like, shut up, kid. Jesus Christ.

Real checked out, real sick of this, dad. The seagull, they starts swimming along, and the seagull, it watches one of its kind, die in agony and an oil slick. And it says, it shrugs its shoulders and goes, what a mess. Yeah. Total whiplash of this movie as they just watch things. They do animate, the full animate of the bird struggling, going under, thrashing and dying. It's a clear 30 seconds of seagull dying in oil spill.

Like, you hear the sputtering and everything. And then the bird doesn't like mourn it or anything. And she goes, what a, what a world. And then we move on from that. That's evidence that it's probably a human witch in bird form through some sort of a curse. That's, I think that supports that theory. Yeah. So the herd decides they have to swim under the oil slick to escape the whalers, but they have to take a deep breath to make it to the other side.

And I'm like, okay, this is where the whole Samson sucks at holding his breath thing comes in, right? Like he's going to struggle. he's going to like vital this vital point. No, he has no problem doing it. They forgot all about that in the story. It's a different whale that decides, I need air. He surfaces in the whale surfaces in the oil slick and he says, I'm suffocating and then he dies thrashing as the entire herd just silently washes him.

Well, you know what? They threw out like, you know, a few, as the whales started to surface, they're like, you can't do that. You can't breathe through the oil. you're going to suffocate, just very flat affect. Like, nobody's just, I don't know, he must have been like an outcast or something. And they're like, yeah, we can get rid of that guy. And nobody's like, oh, God, no, Brett, somebody save him.

They just watch in dead silence. He goes, I'm suffocating. And then just thrashes and goes lamp. And they're like, yep. Yeah. Why you don't do that, Brett? I watched a different version because I didn't have the kid with the braces at the start. But I did want to, I have in my notes, like check and make sure you have the right version.

because they just kind of leave after that guy suffocates. And I was like, well, you're not going to show how they get out of this jam? They just, okay? It just sort of ends. They didn't have no Don dish, though. I mean, what were they going to do for the guy? Right, but you're also kind of thinking like this is Samson's time to shine with his like, or the opposite of shine, one or the other.

It's either they're like, he's going to overcome that breath thing or he's going to be like hampered by it. And they just forget that this was his thing at all and some other fucking loser whale. Gary the whale here takes a breath of oil and they're like, dip shit Gary. Don't be like Gary. Let me just watch him die. It makes me wonder if there's like a difference in just culture where, you know, Samson's succeeding at this task is just expected. So he wasn't going to get praised for it because he finally just met the standards of being a whale.

Whereas, like, you know, if this was an American cartoon, like, wow, Samson, you were so brave. But, you know, this is what Danish and... Yeah, calling me out looking for... As an American, I'm looking for a medal just for meeting the bare minimum. Right. The Nordic people are just like, yes, that's correct. It's also correct that Gary dies for doing the incorrect thing and we shall love one. Yeah.

Thus is the Nordic way. So the mom, the mom, after they get through that, the mom takes them out to hunt octopus. and after some more wacky antics, Samson accidentally eats an octopus and he hates it, but then from here on out he's fine eating octopus. So I guess... Did anybody else, like, think those octopus have a really good, like, cheese pole?

Like, they just stretch out into nothing. Just, like, you've never had a slice of pizza pull, like those octopus, you know? Yeah, they look delicious. But they really did. They sold them. I still think they look like bigoted depictions of the fins and I just can't find that delicious. I'm sorry.

Maybe I'm white knighting here a little bit. They have a word for that when you find something so offensive but very, very delicious. It's called fulcif. For he been hop and whorpe and horp and lovelty. But yeah, so Sally like pulls the octopus because, again, Samson's getting his ass kicked by his food. So she pulls the octopus back and slingshots it.

into his mouth. And he's like, okay, cool, I'll eat an octopus. But something about this incompetence and cowardice is like hot to her. So she is really hitting on him in the next scene. Yeah. And I think we see them fuck. Like, not only that, but then they go behind a rock and a heart comes out, meaning that after the sex, they did something so filthy that even these Danish animators wouldn't draw it. See, I thought the rock was the sex. What happens is she kind of out of nowhere says, oh, I like you. And Samson bashfully goes, oh, yeah, we should play like this forever. And Sally's like, a note, like sweetheart.

And then she kisses him, and then she strokes him way too long with her tail. And you're like, I don't know what I'm watching, but it can't be good. And then they swim behind a rock and like hearts start drifting out from behind it while all the fish flee in terror. So you're like, that's a very tasteful way to show very young child step-siblings. banging in the sea, I guess. Who knew we would end up here? Gets all the keywords. Yeah.

I know there's a more relaxed view on this kind of stuff in Europe, but that's pretty fucked up. They make them like explicitly step siblings and then be like, oh, he just learned how to eat solid food, last scene. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The last scene. He finally graduated from Gerber.

Yeah. He had his first, I don't know, saltine or that seems like a terrible thing to give a baby. Maybe it's your first food. High difficulty first food. The first, I don't know, chicken nugget or whatever. And then he's like, all right, well, time to bang your sister behind a rock. No, movie.

No, it's not time for that. Has there ever been a gender swap version of like the sexy baby, like the sexy idiot baby character? like where it's... Encino Man. The boy. Oh, yeah, huh. Okay.

All right. All right. Okay. So it happens. So, Sam, he's got a tight. Yeah, okay. George of the Jungle. All good Brendan Fraser rules.

All great, any Brendan Frasier movie, he's a sexy baby. He is a very good sexy baby. He did a movie called The Whale where he played a gigantic sexy baby. Wow. That was an adaptation of this. The sequel. Moby Dick. the prequel. So later on, sometime later, Samson's mom is taking them to look for food when an Iron Beast approaches, and they all flee, but it's very clear Samson isn't going to make it, and he gets separated from the herd. And so the mom swims in to distract the boat, and then this happens. I'm just going to play the clip and you can infer what it's showing.

Faster, Samson. Keep going, son. Hurry! Give him a whack with your tail, maw? Jesus. Mom? Mommy? I was afraid you were hit. Let's get away. Mommy!

And then red blood dros in from off screen. Mm-hmm. Like, it's dramatic enough, but then they show, like, they, they show them being soaked in her blood, basically. Yeah. Yeah. And I kind of got the sense in re-watching this, that this is where, like, Sally got the ick, because their relationship isn't really the same anymore, because they're, You know, Sally rolled up and was like, yeah, then the sea was red.

I want my mommy. But this is cool, too. I'll join you guys. And then, meanwhile, Samson's like, Bobby. So she was over it. She was over it after this point. This was her chance to be like, hey, I noticed you didn't swim up and whack it with your tail. Like you...

Yeah. I'm glad you had that clip because it demonstrates that every female voice actor's performance choice was like, oh, oh, Samson. Like every line of the movie delivered by a woman is that exact voice It was almost universally true of women in children's movies Like they really wanted to be like the breathy mother figure or something I guess You know That was real heavy especially if that was like in nature

But as anybody's mom they had this weird like Breathy fantasy voice Whereas the where's the dude were free to be like Oh my fat well hello Yeah Yeah One of them seems a lot more fun than the other is all I'm saying They are back to octopus goofing two seconds after this poor mother's death

Yep now we're octopus goofing I mean he was cut off from the milk I mean it's he had to figure something out Yeah I guess Yeah I just could have they could have let that death breathe the second mother death in the movie No they just they they don't really do that it's a very European approach like they're just like yep that happened. Time to move on.

The grieving process is over. It has ended. With mother's last breath, we move on. That's a classic saying. That's on cards in Denmark. They call that a brough. All right, that one was racist. So they want to, Samson still wants to look for Moby Dick.

And in exchange of about three sentences, Samson says, okay, I'm going off alone to find Moby Dick. Sally says, fine, kind of fuck you. And then he's like, all right. And then he swims away. I'm like, I'm barely paraphrasing. It's a real terse scene. The scene is like under a minute where they just

decide like, I'm leaving you forever. Okay. Goodbye then. Yeah. They didn't even say goodbye. I have swims off without saying goodbye. Yeah, swims off without saying goodbye. That's why I think Sally, she definitely caught the ick. Like she was like, yeah, we, we, We try to, you know, relive our funny octoplasantics, but, you know, you go, go ahead. Yeah, it's over.

Don't find Moby Dick. When XT finds a, this can't be right, my notes say, nice tropical reef with a cool island beat. Uh-huh. Yeah, he's in the South Sea. We cut to the South Sea. It's got a really, it's got a sweet island beat. All the fish are really goofy bastards. I don't know if that's commentary.

I don't know how the Danes view the Caribbean. Uh, you know, I, I don't know. just as with the octopus, somehow these fish are drawn in a racist manner. Yeah, I don't know why or how. I'll commit to it then. I thought maybe that was just me seeing too much of it, but I got that same sense, too. There's especially like one fish they show where you're just like, okay, what the fuck? What do you have against that fish?

Yeah, I think it was a lionfish and he comes on and it's just like, what the fuck am I looking at? Like, he looked, again, like really offensive to something. Yeah, it's fish racism. specifically fish racism. If we were to invent that, who does that represent? Who is that Haitians to you? Who is that?

What is the, what is the racism missing? I want to talk about one that wasn't so much racist as like sexualizing it. Look, three of the creatures came together to kind of try to form a sexy human shape. It was like a starfish wig on a goldfish body with jellyfish legs and it was like strutting around like a,

like a human lady. I was like, why did they do that? Is that for the whale? These are the things that killed your mom. That's for all the dads forced to watch this movie with their kids. Give him a little something. That one's for me. I'm explaining that to you when you're older kids, but that fish is fuckable.

So he meets a baleen whale. Samson meets a baleen whale, doing great whale voice. This is what Samson's dad should have sounded like. This is a very fatherly patriarchal whale voice. That booming voice. You know that voice was carrying throughout the ocean. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was also a very caring voice. It seemed like some warmth to it. He tells Samson to turn back and that nobody finds Moby Dick. And then Samson sees some dolphins and the voice work on the dolphins is great. Because they're just very hyperactive. They're just like, oh yeah, whatever. Whatever, man. You want to go find Moby Dick?

That's cool. Let's go swim around the ship. The ship rules. They tell him that Moby Dick is in the city man-built far in the west where the sunsets, and beyond the Sea of the Dead where nobody goes, probably would have led with the Sea of the Dead stuff. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You know, where the Sun sets. Oh, and the Sea of the Dead. I like a nice quest. Yeah, a nice quest past the Sea of the Dead. Sure. Late in the movie for that, but okay. Here's the problem with saving that for the end is that Samson literally doesn't stay to hear the end of the sentence.

He's already wordlessly swimming off when the Dolphins like, oh yeah, in the land of the dead where nobody goes. Oh, you didn't hear me. Oh, damn. You didn't hear me. So, yeah, sure enough, he swims over there, and the whole ocean floor is just skeletons of dead sea life. He doesn't really react to this in any way.

And we see a ship. It's dumping more toxic waste. And he just kind of swims right into it. And then he goes into shock and passes out. Yeah. He learned nothing. He learned nothing from those walruses. He watched them do their stuff and took nothing from it.

He watched, and part of their stuff was dying from radiation poisoning in front of his eyes. And he was like, that's getting dark time to go. He was taught not to go here. A shark comes down, he's going to bite him. Like, he's dead. But then the baleen whale comes and drags him out. A radiation-proof shark.

Because everything else dies down here. Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, the balean whale. He had a real sinister look at his eye. Like he's looking back at him. He like puts our little sperm whale on his back. and then he looks back at him like, like he's up to something.

Like he's going to sell his head cavity to the humans, right? Like, I don't know. There's something sinister about him leaving with this little guy. Yeah, like the longer he sleeps on his back, he's thinking like, man, I could get a pretty penny. So much. So much sperm in that head. I know it's wrong, but I fucking hate this kid.

Oh, I hate this kid. Yeah. I warned him not to do specifically this. And then he swam literally into the floating. barrel of toxic waste? Like, hey kid, watch out for the toxic waste. Bunk. And you can really, you really see that in the next scene because

the Samson comes to and it's like, I'm still going to go find Moby Dick and the Bailey whale just goes, oh. God damn it. And he swims away. He's just like, fuck, kid. I'm done. And he leaves him. So Samson sees the sunset and he starts

swimming toward it, only to realize Well, he doesn't realize. I'm sorry. A turtle has to stop. An Australian turtle has to stop and tell him, hey, that's not the sunset. You're swimming towards a burning oil spill. Yeah.

You thought oil spill was bad. It's the burning one. And you didn't notice it. You were going to swim right into it, whereas all the other fish in the sea are swimming past him the other direction. He's the only one that doesn't get it. He's the dumbest thing in the ocean.

But she does, she does tell him how to get to the city that man built. It's right there below the burning oil slick. And one more time, here's how stupid I am. One more time I was like, okay, here's the holding the breath thing, right? Now here's the real stakes. We've got to like overcome that character arc. No, again, he just swims down there, no problem. We've forgotten

that he ever had like flaws to overcome. Down there for days. Yeah. Yeah. He meets the corpse of the baleen whale down there, which is his second daddy he's second daddy he just saved him you know it's almost as if

the bailing whale was like I got to go ahead and stop this kid like he thought about it it just wasn't sitting right with him so he was like oh I can't just leave him to that fate and so he went ahead to try and stop him but no he didn't make it and then died and

and so what Samson does is he goes down there and he just starts poking him he just starts poking the corpse of second daddy he asks the dead body if he's hurt He doesn't know what dead is yet. The whole movie, he's been watching things die, and he hasn't figured it out yet. And he just... He pokes it for such a long, long time.

A long. And when Robert and I were watching this the other night, the sound of it, of him poking the whale with his, you know, head, nose, whatever, is like, someone in the special effects department was just like, yeah, I got these balloons. Let me just rub these balloons together. That's what a dead whale daddy sounds like, right? That's a good dead whale daddy sound. It sounds like a clown fight or a dead whale daddy, one of the two. So Samson finally understands that he's dead and just turns around and swims away. Again, wordlessly.

He doesn't have anything to say about that. So he's going to swim into the entrance to the city, the city of Man Built, and an octopus grabs him and pulls him back. And I guess they have a fight and we just see the aftermath where Samson apparently thrashed this thing to shit, but got knocked out by it. Well, see, this is confusing to me because I thought it was like a giant squid. Like it was a very, very big octopus. So I remember from deep in my, you know, child brain that like I thought Moby Dick saved him. No, there's just a kerfuffle, a cloud of, you know, ink. And he's passed out.

The octopus is half eaten. I don't understand what happened there. I guess he won the fight, but it took too much out of him. Because then Moby Dick, well, you don't know it's Moby Dick. Something saves him and brings him down to this city, which is kind of Atlantis, kind of New York City. It has the Statue of Liberty. It has, like, the Empire State Building, but it also has, like, the Coliseum. And it's 10 miles underwater.

It's not just, like, submerged partially. Like, the tallest building is miles under the water. Yeah. So is this the future? Is this hundreds of years in the future? I mean, we're in the timeline where Noah's Ark didn't make it, so New York City wasn't going to it either. Okay. So, so it's water world. It's like a whale's idea of the surface world maybe. Yeah, but humans are still up there. They just have to live on whaling boats.

Yeah. Doing a water world. Yeah, they're doing a water world. Or maybe like we've got New York City two. New York City one is like Atlantis. Atlanta's had cars and shit. Yeah. We could really go like deep into this. I was, I was going to say Dennis Hopper and Waterworld, kind of a sexy baby. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Very, very round, very round and red. I don't know the direction we're going here. Let's change direction. Okay.

So he's down here at Mooby Dick. You meet Moby Dick. Only Moby Dick, his hero, the Jesus Christ of Wales, is so old and weak and helpless and like half riddled with dementia. And more so than any of that, once he gets to talking to him, he realizes that Moby Dick simply does not want to save the whales. He just doesn't care. There's a part here that was so frustrating

because he starts to talk about the old days before man went mad and it pans away like it's going to go for a flashback but nope, goes back to the whale and he goes, okay, okay, went back a thousand years ago and then it pans, it's not a flashback again. They keep like, it's insane, right? The whole handling of Moby Dick

as just like a meandering old whale he's dying, I assume. Like he asks, he asks Samson for an octopus like he ate in the old days. He's no longer able to feed himself. I mean, you know, that goes hand in hand with late stage dementia. Yeah, he's got late stage dementia and he's dying down there. And Samson gets to see all of this. And then finally he does, he does give him the last octopus he's ever going to eat.

And Moody Dick gives him his sage advice. I took a clip of that too. Why is mankind so vicious? mankind is not vicious mankind is stupid someday man will realize what he's doing by killing everything in the sea he is killing himself when the sea is dead mankind will die too what can i do go back to your herd that's it that's it which is good because up until this point basically samson was abandoning everyone who cared about him to chase this stupid legend then he finds out oh the legend's bullshit this hopeless quest for revenge and it hit me that oh my god they're they're doing a reverse moby dick like he's he's the

ahab of this story and it and that's why when i heard this was a book i'm like i bet at one point this had like a point like a saying something creatively oh oh yeah i think that point might have been ruined a little bit when samson just wordlessly swims away and he comes across a sinking cruise ship uh right and it's got a bunch not not not before he pokes Moby Dick in the same manner that he poke that fucking Baleen whale for like 60 seconds, yeah

yeah yeah dead dead is fuck all right so he swims away to go back to his herd now that he's learned that everything is pointless and evil exists in the world and you just have to die from it which I guess is a good lesson to teach the kids he stumbles across the sinking cruise ship so I guess there are cruise ships in water world a bunch of

humans are in a lifeboat and they're scared of him. And so one of them takes a shot with just a normal rifle, not a harpoon. And they make it very clear. They don't animate any blood. He doesn't have an injury after. So it kind of annoys Samson, but doesn't really hurt him. And so he kills all of the humans just, and then swims away again in silence with no comment. So like if it was like revenge is worth nothing, uh, I don't think they, they would have him kill all the humans immediately.

Yeah, he hasn't taken any lessons. We're not supposed to take a lesson, I don't think. I think, though, that his boasting has been fulfilled in really stupid, dumbass ways. Yeah, he met Bobby Dick. Sure, he kind of had a little bit of dementia. Yeah, he fucking took that boat out with his tail. Yeah, it was like a little lifeboat. You know, it was like, oh, yeah, you want to boast about this shit?

Well, have your legacy solidified. Yeah. The more we talk about it, the more I'm sure at one point this was good art. Maybe. Maybe the book was. It's not quite over. He meets the Seagull again and he tells the Seagull like, I just wish I could see Sally again. And the seagull tells him, I'm sure you won't.

And then flies away because she got distracted by or horny for a seagull in a ski mask, which I don't understand any of that. They have their own fetishes. Maybe the witch is just finally embracing, that's her embracing Seagull life being like, I like the one in the ski mask. He looks like he likes it rough. Like, now that I'm in bird form, I've had a lot of trouble with my sex life. But I'll fuck a bird if it's in a mask. I found that that's my thing. Luckily, I found the one that I can get.

And then, but then it doesn't even matter because he hears, like, whale singing just like 500 feet away. And he turns and realizes that's his herd. His herd was right there the whole time. So the seagull was just really a piece of shit. Just an absolute fuckhole. I'm sure you won't, and then they're right there. That could have been sarcasm. And much like the lack of using an actual blowhole sound,

the whale song is just like demented synthesizer releases. Just terrible. Could they not get the rights to whales? I think those are free. You could have just used whale sounds. Not very cheap, but no, you paid a bunch of voice actors to go, ha. I'm a whale, whale, whale.

We fade out and we fade back into Samson and Sally. Now adults with the little whale of their own. And he gets chased by a killer whale. And Big Daddy Samson comes along and fucks up that whale just like his dad did. And Little Samson Jr. brags about it signifying like, oh, he's just like his dad. Nobody learns anything. Everything dies. Goodbye.

A circle of dumb. Mm-hmm. Yep. Nothing is achieved. We must all rot on the ocean. floor. That's your favorite children's movie.

That's my origin story. Samson and Sally, more dead and dying animals per capita than any other children's movie I've ever seen. As far as origin stories go, this one's really fucked up. Really, truly fucked up. And you know, I think it's special because it took me so

long to realize just how fucked up it was. And a movie, a movie I have seen hundreds of times. Just, and you know, it should have been clearer when I was younger because, you know, you would have a friend's sleep over, your cousins are visiting, whatever, you'd be like, oh, let's watch this movie. Nobody I ever showed this movie to liked it. They asked her to be turned off. Please.

What's a problem with you? I should have known. It was just a very strange insular, like, only my family. ever probably really glommed onto this movie. Just very strange. All of those kids' parents calling your parents being like, she's still having the whale dreams. I don't know what to do at this point.

I'm thinking about it. Shit, my house was dangerous. At my eighth birthday party, we had a sleepover, and we built horses out of popsicle sticks. And at eight years old, I knew my way around a glue gun. But let me tell you, 20% of the girls that I invited did not, and 20% of them went to the ER that evening. So I guess there was a reason why my household was a source of danger, and this movie was part of that.

So it's treasured for that reason. Just trying to figure out what happened and all the children only scream about dying walruses. Well, they're glued to each other. Clued to each other in a flailing mass, reeling about the end of all things. That's your childhood What a great childhood I can't believe you've tried to say deep impact No

Look It's this It's for sure this I'm not the kind of person Where the first idea is the best idea I need some Some percolate in time But yeah

This movie was something special And you know It ended with What's His Face coming back Little Hollywood Jr. Coming back to say More Things about the titles in their

repertoire and then it fucking unlocked another childhood memory when it showed the trailer to serendipity which was

an anime movie that they brought over about a pink fucking dragon and I was like Jesus Christ so yeah this movie

this whole experience what a delight and by delight I mean how enlightening as to why I am the way I am Rockway, do you have a childhood movie you watched a million times on VHS?

God, it was probably labyrinth. Like, it's just normal shit. We had the normal shit. I'm one of those kids that would have gone home crying from Megan's house. 100%. That would have just had nightmares, nightmares about the shapes in the deep. Why were there so many shapes in the deep at her home? I don't know.

I feel like you absolutely refuse to accept that I made you watch. when we started dating. But I know that when we started dating, 22 years ago, I showed you, thank you, I showed you this movie, and I also made you watch,

what was it, Dancer in the Dark? I remember Dancer in the Dark. I was like, bro, we're cut into the chase quick. This is me. This is what I'm about. See, I don't remember,

I don't remember Sanson and Sally. I remember dancer in the dark being like, okay, you know, that's art. I'm glad we watched the art. I will never watch it again. Yeah. And I'm happy to never watch this again either, so I guess that means it's art. He's welcome once again, one nine hundred, hot dogs, Pacific insult comedian who makes things too real. It's Mr. Jimmy.

How's he to be here? Got a lot of Supremes in the audience tonight. Look at Aaron Crosden here. Hey, you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54 just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. What's a matter? A little too real for you? Yeah, in on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hesbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this, it's Alpha Scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy and I watched him kill a white rhino

So he could powder and snort its horn he was so sad when it did not give him an erection I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that oh it's a very serious crime Oh oh Hey it's Armando Nava I see autumn Armstrong Berg I see Bim Talzer oh brandon garlock I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters and your elderly self is gonna curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying something. Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brockway famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love. Could?

But did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from camgirls and escorts, babe. That's you. That's what you do. That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about you.

Like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling Common Sense's mother, Mrs. Had a positive influence on common sense's body dysmorphy. Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us. All right?

I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man, racked by consumption. Like, I'm happy being big and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoyne.

I see Dan B. I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello. He once watched someone he loved Drown and he was too scared to help him. So he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys got to stop trusting me with your secrets.

Oh. Sorry, I hiccuffed while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't happen again. Delta, Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias. You look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing and stuff you did, but I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh, back to normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke.

Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope. Oh, all right, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christianberg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh!

I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jello. I got good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this. It's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face

after they leave for college. Oh! That one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kids said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka. Hey, Harvey Pengweeney. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk.

Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack. I got Jared Mountain Man. Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at my jokes.

That's what he's gonna do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff O'Raskey, John McCam, and I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man. Everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next to you.

She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life because she don't know. She's worth 10 of you because she's too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. I'm sorry there was again. That's weird. I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got I got Joseph Surrell's here I got Josh S I got Joshua Graves I got Justin B I got Ken Paisley I got K&M hey K&M your AI girlfriend called just kidding no she didn't oh there we go that's the normal one that's okay everything's normal I'm not learning nothing about myself up here

Okay, okay, we got Kamutsas, we got KVH, we got Lane Haygood, we got Lisa. Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing. Don't worry, Lisa, they don't think you're weird, they don't think about you at all. Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it. M. Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broy, Mercenary, Sissiman, Michael Lair, a Mojou, you carry your. like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things. They just, they just haunt you. Uh, Mort. I got Mort here. I got Mr. Bob Gray. I got ND. What does ND stand for? Non-descript? Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey, Neil Bailey liked that, oh, right? Right? Neil Bailey. Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff, am I right? Ha ha ha I hate that stuff. He loves it though.

Neil Schaefer, I got Neku104, I got Nick Levino, I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it, I can see it obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me? Ornui Weevil. I got Ozzie Olin. I got Patrick Hurst. I got Peewee's uncle. I got Rie Rebrandrew. I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside. Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria, I got Russell Bowman, I got Sam Kopnik, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Hey, Space Champ Van.

Space Jam fan. Now, this is a guy who sees an old-timey father. or Dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little moulon and he's like ooh that's me that's the way I wish I was oh I got you I know that's how you are hey spotty reception a super knot Tater's Tales Thomas Cavatzos oh who do we got here you know how sometimes you can see a man you take one look at him and you just know you just know this guy this guy likes to titter I got you Thomas I got your tittering ass Timmy Leahy Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster.

Oh, don't sink down in your seat. Now, Booster, I see you. I got you, I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying. Some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Ribalt.

That's you. That's what you hope happens. That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Wayland Russell, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Ava, I'm looking at John Dean here. And I just know this guy sees old-timey fops and dandies in movies and he don't know. He don't know. Are they a German thing?

Are they French or English or something? Are they just kind of all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype that maybe never existed at all? But that don't matter to John Dean because every time he sees them boys mincing and press. He thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes, and he becomes an insult comment, because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern-day man equivalent is of that. But it just unfulfilled, you know, it doesn't, it's not enough for John Dean.

He thinks, he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here, you know, telling it like it is, and everybody, everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it, John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that was what you were. That's you.

That's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just, there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh.