The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 267, Six Million Dollar Man vs. Bigfoot with Alex Schmidt

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

Seanbaby and Brockway invite Secretly Incredibly Fascinating Alex Schmidt on the podcast for an endurance challenge. Three comedians, one bigfoot, five episodes of the Six Million Dollar Man. You do the math. It’s 17, right? It feels like 17. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert is going to jail because you didn't buy his book. But it's not too late to help him win some creature comforts in prison. Every copy goes toward the commissary fund! https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriendd

the official podcast of 1,900 hotdog.com. We're the last comedy website. You can subscribe to us at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. We do articles filled with jokes about bizarre things. It's like back when the internet was good, only we're still doing it. End of commercial. I'm the World Web's Sean Baby, and my partner was nearly the backup spokeshunk for honk thrusters milk snacks.

He's Robert Brockway. He's a Robert Brockway fact. I have actually seen Bigfoot. And I know how he got his cute little perm. No follow-up questions. Oh, I have so... Finally, I have so many. Now it really hurts that there aren't any follow-up questions.

Our guest is a writer and a podcaster and a Jeopardy champ. He's internet favorite, Alex Schmidt. Welcome back. Hey, thank you so much for me. Always great. And just watching this thing I've watched, I have many follow-up questions. So that's great. Yeah.

Before we get into it, let's do some plugs. Alex, where can people find more of you? So I love writing columns monthly for 1-900 Hot Dog, and also if people have heard SIF lately, secretly incredibly fascinating, the big life news is that I'm going to have a baby. So I won't write columns for a little while while I am working on being a dad.

We're happy to help any way we can. Promote that baby. I'm promoting baby. That's true. I guess I'm promoting the baby. And like and subscribe to the baby. That baby's coming so soon, huh? Yeah, they're on Babe Trian.

That's a name. Great. Babe Trian. Nope, I take back the branding. It sounds like something else. It sounds like only chance. Anyway. But yeah.

No, and our podcast is incredibly fascinating. I'm very proud of it. And there will also be some parental leave weeks of that while I'm being a dad initially. Awesome. Great plugs. Thank you. I legally have to go next. I am obligated to promote my new book.

I will kill your imaginary friend for $200. But, uh, I mean, that could, that can be it. I'm already in prison. What are they going to do? What are they going to do if I stop? And now that the pressure's off, I can tell you it's good. It's a good book. It's got universally wildly, wildly, wildly positive reviews everywhere.

I don't fully understand it. Uh, it's crazy I went to prison. Yeah. It's a weird thing to get put in prison for. But it sort of makes sense. Yeah. Uh, it's not. bad. It's not bad. I get, like, they don't give me much internet time. We got a library. We got a

gym. I got a lot of friends that look suspiciously like me. And all my book sales get me tickets that I can redeem at the prison prize counter. So still buy the book. Buy the book because I want to, I want the sweet, uh, pewter skull ring. It looks really cool. Uh, lower stakes. Lower stakes plugs these days. I hope you're, I hope you're doing the thing where you carve tallies of the days into the cinder block wall, but then there are other tallies for podcast appearances during your incarceration. That's one of the reasons I need the ring. I need the ring to carve those days. Yeah. And also to carve slayer and anarchy symbols. Yeah. Yeah. So people are you're bad ass. Back to my roots. Yes. I'm going to plug our other podcast. It's called

Bigfeet's and it's a watch-long podcast about the Bigfoot hunting show Mountain Monsters. But But since they haven't looked for Bigfoot in like 70 episodes, today we're going to talk about Bigfoot, specifically the 1973 television show spanning five seasons and 105 episodes, the $6 million man. And we're going to talk about the five episodes they made about Bigfoot. And I've been behind on deadlights since like 1997. So I didn't get to watching these until last night. So I watched five episodes of the $6 million man last night.

and I have completely lost track of what speed people are supposed to move. And so... Yeah, so it's a weird watch. And the storytelling pace is off. So I think it just might be normal to just take a 30 minute pause between anything happening and then when it does, just to have it all happen in slow motion. That's a normal thing for me now. Yeah, the dialogue is really thrown together and it's pacing.

Very rapid and all over the place and silly. And then the way people move. through the Angeles National Forest is pretty slow. Yeah, I think even people... And the fight scenes are just glacial. Just glacial. Not just glacial, but then slowed down after they were glacial. To just...

Because that's their thing is that back in the 70s, they didn't have a ton of special effect options or budget for the show, so they're like, he's going really fast. How do we show that? Oh, I got it. We'll slow it down, add some sound effects. And it kind of worked.

It's like, okay, just because you... you know what it's supposed to mean, and so eventually you get used to it. But then they started doing every action sequence like that. So if someone jumps over a fence at slow motion, if someone throws a punch at slow motion, and you're like, okay, it's fucking crazy. You're used to, I mean, you're used to like slow motion being reserved for something really special and cool. Like, we go into slow motion, especially in this like 70s coded era,

which I like to call the 70s. I'm sure I said it like that. But especially in like the 70s, when you would, you would like, it's Kung Fu influence. So you would slow down when somebody's doing a fucking sweet jump kick that like this stuntman's going to die at the end of that jump kick. Let's pause and just respect his sacrifice here for a little bit.

Yeah. While he plummet's toward the earth. But here they're like, oh, we got to go into slow motion for this clumsy slap. That wasn't, I really didn't need to see. It's worse in slow. motion that I can see you did not slap that person. And they don't like ramp it down for the impact. It's like, no, no, no, the face off is in slow motion, the approach is in slow motion, the

slap is in slow motion, the impact when they fall down. So you could just see, oh, this was, this was just a couple of guys really gently shoving each other around before this. Yeah, I think what they did was they, it was already a slow fight. And so they did it very slowly so we can be like, oh, I can actually look like I can get closer to like punching you if I go really slow. And And then they slowed that down. Yes. And this might shock the listeners, there's no punching. Like $6 million man probably threw one punch in 100 episodes.

It's all like sort of forearm shivers and shoves and arm drag flings. Like not even judo, like high school wrestling arm drags into like flops. Stiff armed slaps. Yeah. It's like everybody's just like a stationary clothesline. This was my first time ever watching the $6 million man. I had seen the intro sequence, which is good. But then, like, the show is so much lower rent than I expected.

And so much more of a man speaking to people about a situation show than an action show. It's just a guy having little Christ-like adventures almost of like, I am the being everyone cares about. And I'll just go meet everyone in my journeys, you know? Yep. I have the intro. It is super rad. I'll play that here just to kind of catch people up. Steve Austin, astronaut, a man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man.

Stronger. Better and faster. And then... Okay, you get it. I mean, this is awesome. This is five seasons of TV right there. Like, the intro is legendary. It is really good.

Yeah. I had also, like Schmiddy, never actually watched it, but I felt like I knew everything about it. And I certainly knew the intro by heart, despite never consciously remembering. seeing an episode. It really permeated the culture in every direction. Like, it's so spoofed and referenced.

Because I think everyone who sees the slow-mo clocks it as weird. And so, like, it was just in kind of every stand-up act for a couple of decades. Like, because it's just this easy thing that's sort of, isn't this weird? But also, there's only three channels. So everyone has seen it or had back in the day. Except you two, apparently. But this ran deep into our childhood and reruns for sure. Yeah, it's just, I don't know.

I don't know why it was a blind spot. Like, I've seen the Rockford Files. You've seen, like, that's a... Rockford Files is kind of sweet sometimes. Yeah, it's a weird one for a kid to watch. Yeah. Should I know what a Pimp is this young? Good, good point.

This is definitely, like, more kid-friendly. It's by Kenny Johnson, who's a TV legend. He wrote and directed a lot of incredible Hulk, the miniseries V, Alien Nation. And, of course, the Shack movie, Steel. but he brought this Bigfoot episode. This was like season three of the show. And they decided, dude, you don't want to waste Bigfoot on one episode.

Make it two. And then he's like, fuck it, I'm going to make it four. And then after he left, someone said, I'm going to do a fifth Bigfoot. Anyway, I was in charge of watching the first two Bigfoot episodes. I imagine you guys did not watch these. No, I only watched the ones I was in charge of it. So you were in charge of it took so long. And it took how long?

It just took a long time. It didn't move real slow. That's true. It feels longer. And of course, Alex did the fifth one. We'll probably do that one as the bonus podcast. Just because the only thing,

go ahead. Just because I was so shocked what you said. There were five episodes with a big foot. And then I assumed, surely they tried to kind of hide or cloak that they kept going back to this well. And then when I watched the fifth one as my own, episode, the giant title on screen is Bigfoot V, the Roman numeral five. And I was like, great, they're just fully treating this like it's Super Bowl. That's part of the show. Like every year,

there's a Bigfoot episode where Steve Austin egg down in Bigfoot. Bigfoot 197K. Yeah. But it is only, you only got part three because the first four are two parters. Anyway, and also contain about 12 minutes of content. So we'll be able to get through in a podcast. No trouble. also uh yeah this this whole show also feels like they were told they were making a show that occupies half an hour of tv air time and then they use slow motion when they needed to fill a whole hour you know what i mean like it just feels like they really stretched out very little yeah they like surprised in the day of like no this needs to be an hour oh fuck well what's great is the the bigfoot

the first two were such famous episodes that uh there's a commentary track on the DVD so i will have some clips from from TV legend Kenny Johnson as he talks he's good some good insight about the making of it I'll play them they're they're great um so I'll start off with one um the story opens with uh Steve Austin uh doing OSI stuff and then uh these two uh people come out to like study the the San Andreas fault which they don't call that doesn't matter here I'll play a clip you'll hear his insights and so Bigfoot is is still out there. Bigfoot lives. Now, end to this line here.

Well, this is the Forest Prime Evil. Ah, the Forest Prime Evil. My little homage to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. That's from the opening of his grand epic poem, Evangeline, which I read in the eighth grade and which helped me, even back then, to develop a sense of irony. That's the story where the lovers were on trying to get back to each other,

and they were on separate ships, and they passed in opposite directions in the night, not knowing that the other was right there. Very sad. So I just wanted to let you know that this guy thinks this shit is so deep. The dumbest Bigfoot story, and it is so much thought has gone into it from a working professional man. Surprisingly philosophical for somebody that's about to get slapped by a Bigfoot. Like you would never guess hearing him talk about that, that the next sentence he says,

before, after you cut that clip is, and that's when Bigfoot slaps him. Bigfoot slaps him. Right. Or he just runs around trying to befriend Bigfoot. Right. Like, before when I said it's not very violent, I almost regret calling him Christ like,

but like he's almost like a child detective or something. Like he's just running around finding clues and meeting people in an earnest way. And it becomes even more bumbly when they introduced Bionic Woman because she's like crafty and like has tactics and stealth. and Gile. And Steve Austin is just like, oh, look, there's a guy. I'm going to go fucking forearm shiver that guy. I'm just going to hit him like a linebacker. See what happens. Oh, it didn't work. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I'm completely invincible. Okay. So the other thing you probably noticed in your episodes is like every 10 or 15 minutes,

he just does something like unexplainably unnecessary. Like he'll just jump on top of a truck or bend something into a funny shape. They just, yeah, they have like a, an internal clock like dude he has to do something bionic or people are going to leave so um here he jumps otherwise it's just man yeah otherwise it's just man so this one like the satellites kind of busted on this comms truck and he's like looks around make sure no one's looking and like jumps on top of the van just to save himself the 10 seconds of finding a ladder that's the kind of way he uses his powers anyway um bigfoot's kind of stalking around doing stuff and i have this clip um it's pretty short uh There's an Indian character, and he finds a Bigfoot track, and Steve Austin and his boss are there looking at this track.

And it's just, you're going to love this clip. It's so dramatic. I'm very short. What is it? Mountain lion? Oh, it's too big. What do you think? A huge grizzly, Tom?

No. No, not a cat. Not a grizzly. Oh, what is it? There's only one thing in the mountains that leaves a track like this. The creature of legend. that roams the timber line. My people named him

Sasquatch. You call him Bigfoot. Now he just has like a little bit more to say about this. Like I said, it's a very short clip. Well, that's been proven to be a hoax, hasn't it, Tom? It's not a hoax. It sounds a little bit ridiculous, Tom. Stories of the Sasquatch go back generations

among my people. Stories that... This is the pace of the show. Well, those stories are very bad superstitions, weren't they? Some are. But too many incidents are unexplained. Wait until you hear the incident that goes unexplained. You're just going to blow your mind.

When I was a boy on the reservation, I once saw a man who had disappeared for many days, here in the deep woods. My grandfather found him. There was a footprint like this one nearby. Get ready. My grandfather told me the man had said, seen the Sasquatch. I'll never forget how that man looked. His eyes. I remember how Marlene's

voice sounded on the radio just before it went dead. Okay. So that's, that's, uh, so he just saw it. He saw, he saw, he wasn't murdered. He wasn't torn apart. He saw a guy who saw Bigfoot, and he recognized the look in his eyes. And this is going to sound crazy, but it comes up later in the episode, because the guy saw Bigfoot, and the Indian dude looks at him and goes, oh, shit, that dude seemed Bigfoot. I'd recognize that look. It's a Bigfoot. That's a bigfoot. That's a scene bigfoot. That's a scene big foot. I like that he's,

I kind of forgot about the era where every Indian on American television just spoke like Orson Wells. Yeah. Like, that's the accent. Why did you pick that one? It's so weird. My wife loves resident alien and it has like a real respect for indigenous people's culture. Because it's like set in Alaska. And I was watching it with her and I was like, you know, I kind of miss when every native was magic.

you know, like maybe that's racist, but I miss when like they could all do like magic shit. Yeah, I miss when they were all played by white people. Yeah. Yeah, I miss Ironized Cody. Doing a kind of a British accent, that was a more accurate representation. And so profoundly insulting to Native people to make it that one of the only wisdoms they have to share is Bigfoot. You know what I mean? Like they, there's other parts of Native culture that are.

are real and interesting. Like, don't make them just the guy who knows about Bigfoot and his otherwise inferior to Steve Boston. Insulting when he's sharing that knowledge and Lee Major's straight up says, well, that sounds fucking stupid. Yeah. Yeah, he's already moved on. Your beliefs are pretty stupid, man.

Okay. So, uh, well, you're a, you're a, you're a cyber man. I wouldn't have believed that either. Like, what? Right. So they make a plaster cast. of the Bigfoot. And Andre the Giant plays Bigfoot in these two episodes, and they just used his foot.

They just took a plaster cast of Andre the Giant's foot. And that's what they used for this show. And then he actually reused the prop for Incredible Hulk for Incredible Hulk's foot. They got a lot of mileage out of Andre's giant foot. Wow. That definitely wasn't Andre in my episode. No, that's Lurch. Yes.

Ted Cassidy. Okay. I also had Ted Cassidy. Yeah. No way. So Bigfoot sneaks into the like earthquake studies camp and just trashes the place. And it's kind of awesome. It's just Andre the giant in a gorilla suit, just throwing sparking equipment in every direction.

And let's see, Bigfoot drops a truck on a guy. Then they add this helicopter scene. And you're talking about how they patted stuff out. Sometimes they do that, but I do have a clip of him explaining one of the great action scenes of the show. This is going to take us to what you will clearly recognize. as another piece of stock footage of a helicopter taking off, and another piece of poor man's process where we're in the back of a helicopter. And these two shots are also added to help us pad out the fact that we were five minutes short.

This scene was written and shot after we had originally shot the picture to begin with, just so that we could have enough footage to get on the air. Five minutes of pointless helicopter footage. Five minutes? five minutes. Holy shit. And that's counting all the slow-mo. And the fact that it took a dude to say, hey, I know, this is a big foot-foot-foot. And it took him what, two and a half minutes to say that. Oh, so there's a secret shadow counsel that's watching Steve Austin's every move. And he's just going for like a long slow-mo jog through the woods. LeMajers, he was a college football player.

He hurt his back, so he didn't really pursue a pro career. But he's a pretty good athlete. He does a lot of his own stunts. So like when he's running through the forest, you're like, okay, he kind of looks pretty cool. Like, it could be worse. Hey, he's got a cool run. Yeah. And then he comes face to face with Bigfoot, and he looks so awesome. It's just Andre the Giant and white contacts and a gorilla suit.

And they have a slow motion bite that I swear to God. They throw two moves and it takes them 37 minutes. He like pulls a tree up and tries to log bash him. Okay. Then Lee Major's going to do... I'd like to think that the parents at the homes where this was on TV like made an entire dinner within the one fight scene. You know what I mean?

Like they could just step away and entirely regrat the bathroom tile and then come back and the show is still easy to follow, you know? You could cook and eat most meals in this fight. And at one point, Lee goes for like his fifth arm drag take down. And Bigfoot's fucking arm comes flying off. Like it's sparks flying and we find out, oh my God, Bigfoot is a bionic bigfoot. And chases him into a case. Very first one.

Very first fight. Chases him into cave and he finds a secret wall, but not. He finds like a rock wall. He just starts clung at it with his bionic arm until he just tears the rock off the wall. And then there's a metal door behind that. I generally don't know how someone would use this door. And then I guess you have to rebuild the entire. Rock wall.

Anyway, you get what I'm saying. There was probably, like, a switch nearby, and they were like, Jesus Christ, man. That's obviously a fake rock. You just touch the... Find the lever, man. Now, it's a show where there's a mansion with one of those trick-book cases, but instead of pulling the one book, they just take a sledgehammer to the whole wall. Just savage the whole thing.

Like, I'm not pulling all of these books. The perfect example. I think child detective might be too generous to Steve Austin. And he is just like the dumbest brute. Yeah, yeah. So he goes to the door and it's like this lit up ice tunnel from the Universal Studios ride. And it looks so fucking cool. But like it does look like a carnival ride.

And they have like a tarp thrown down over the tracks where like the tour train would go through. They hit him with a sonic blast or something. They wake him up. They call up the Bionic Woman, and I have a clip of that. It's really cool. Get some good insider info. And a couple of features, including Nighthawks in 1981, where she played Sylvester Stallone's ex-wife, and they probably had to put him on an Applebox because I think Lindsay's taller than Slice.

The scene you just saw where Lindsay was talking to Richard was shot considerably after the fact when we discovered that the secret of Bigfoot was so terribly short, and we needed. needed some extra help. Okay. We wrote a show about Bigfoot and found out we don't really have anything to say. So then Steve wakes up in the secret 70s sci-fi base. All the bad guys have like bright colored speed suits. They have like LeMay shirts.

They look so fucking cool. They run a bunch of tests on him. Bigfoot comes in. He works for them. And then this beautiful redhead wakes him up. Stephanie Powers, and she says, Bigfoot is their protector. He's also bionic, but they did that to him. He actually is the same Sasquatch that the natives knew.

They don't really explain why they made him a robot. She gives him a little kiss after she, like, threatens him. And you're like, oh, man, there's so much going on here. Then she vanishes, like, boop. And now there's a plot that the good guys are going to explode the fault line to, like, prevent an earthquake, but it's going to destroy these aliens base. And so that's the stakes. That's the end of part one.

It's going to take me probably four minutes to explain part two. So here I go. I got a quick recap. Luckily, Kenny did that for me on the commentary. But this is a very long teaser that we did because the show was very short when we first got delivered all of the film. So I had to stretch it out.

Okay. He's not kidding. I can't believe that's really how it worked. I just was kidding. Yeah, but it's really how it worked. A hundred percent of his bankrupt commentary is like, I didn't do enough.

I didn't do enough work, man. We really had to stretch this one out. I really got to, how do you know how long stuff is going to be? How do you do that? You tell me, I'm asking. Just now I want to know if all of the seasons and episodes of the $6 million

man had a budget of more or less $6 million total, you know? Like, did it cost that much money to make hundreds of this? Like, all total? Yeah, probably. I would say that's, that would be so poetic if that really was true. Kenny wasn't kidding. It did take three minutes and 30 seconds to recap the first episode, and I think they could have done it faster. Like, they didn't leave anything out. But now we're in action, and Kenny describes the exciting start of part two here. I know, I know. I'm doing a bit and you think you know what's happening, but not. Like, this is a different one.

This one is pretty exciting. And part two of The Secret of Bigfoot, starting with a couple of long panning stock shots. Stock means that they came out of the library and we didn't shoot them ourselves. But this allowed us to lengthen the main titles a little bit longer. And you recall we were a little bit short, so we needed to do that. Just had nothing. Finished shooting was like, right, that's a wrap. And everybody on set was like,

wait, hold on, are you sure? Like, yeah, that's, we've got enough. Yeah, that's funny. I'm absolutely sure we've got enough. He gets back there and he's like, surely we didn't, we shot an hour and 15 minutes of footage total? Yeah. Yeah, with the slow-mo, with the, you know, we'll be fine, I promise. It takes them eight minutes.

And his confidence in stock footage libraries, too. Like, it makes me feel like I'm going to go watch more of this show. and they're going to plug in World War II newsreels or something. Like, they're just going to grab the history of footage to fill this out. God, it just did not like to work. It was so great. They got paid an absolute fortune. Like, how wonderful would it have been to be a TV writer?

You get a hang out, Andre the Giant. In the 70s and 80s. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you just, you get, you're a superstar. You've paid a fucking fortune. You don't have to do anything. You recycle plots, scripts. Just grab stock footage.

Somebody asks you to like fill in the commentary and the whole commentary is like, I didn't do a very good job. I don't know. Yeah. So it does seem like all you needed is a Los Angeles address to be a TV writer of any era. Like if you could just physically get to the studio, you could do it. And of course, the superpower of being white and present and a man. Yeah. Yeah.

That helped a lot. God damn it. So. So all the sparkly aliens. have Steve Austin in for a meeting. They tell them, we can erase memories. That's why the scientists we captured earlier, they don't remember anything.

That's why you're not going to remember anything. We've been here 200 years, but we haven't aged because we got a little time device. Now, I swear to God, this is true. They all have a little garage door opener on their belt that stops time and more or less let them just move in between moments. So they can just, that's how the girl teleported earlier. She just stopped time and walked somewhere else.

And Steve knows this, because his body, bionic eye is it tracks, I guess, at the quantum level. So they try to teleport and he just watches them with his bionic eye. Um, so anyway, they've been here two years for them, but 250 years, like, for everyone else. Um, okay, there's a little romance here because Stephanie Powers is super into Steve Austin, because she's been stuck with these fucking space nerds this whole time and this, and Lee Majors is very, uh, hunky. Uh, she's, I would say Lee Majors and Stephanie Powers are probably like the top 1% hottest people in 19, So they're going to get it.

I have a little clip about their chemistry and romance. Charles really sort of captured what I was looking for. He doesn't want to be here. There's always one in every crowd. I just want to go home. I'm tired of this place. Earth is nice, but boring. Stephanie, in the other hand, is clearly not bored.

And we're going to find out more about that kiss that she planted on Steve at the end of part one. But first, we had to fly to Washington to get all of these shots. obviously flying over the Pentagon and having this B-52 set up for us and having them give us this bomb that we could use and of course all of this was pulled from the stock footage library so that we could expand on this a bit and help fill out our show that was too short, you remember.

By the time I finished this, you're going to be an expert in how you put together a one-hour episodic show when you don't have all the film that you need. You call it again, Alex. It's fucking like World War II footage of them loading a bomb. How is this happening? I have not seen this episode. This is amazing.

I love that he's talking. He keeps talking passively, like, when you don't have all the footage that you need, who's, who's in charge of that? I think he didn't direct this episode, so this might be shade. But the episodes he did direct, they're not exactly. paste at a at a higher rate. So the side is. Also, my episode, part of the bad pacing, I thought maybe they're just at the end of

the round on who cares. But like that dialogue you played, listeners need to understand that it's paced like that when people talk to each other. Yeah. Like either they're suddenly interbudding really fast or there's just huge gaps where you feel like it would be so awkward to be there. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I got a second.

this where I talk. Did you want me to say something? I don't want to interrupt. Yeah. The scientist tried to build the mountain. It doesn't quite work, but it does cause enough of an earthquake that the alien's cave starts to come down. And Steve just holds up the entire mountain with his bionic right arm.

And I don't fucking know the physics of this, but it doesn't feel like that would work. But, okay, so now there's a plan. it's complicated so I took a clip of it so that we could do these stock shots and cut Richards wild lines in over the top of all of these shots so that we could make the show long enough to fit into the time period that we had

because we were so short so all of this was pieced together later whenever you see an actor pick up a phone like that and you don't get to the actor's face you know something's going on that's a little goofy but it allows us to help fill out the picture and still make it seem like it's part of the show and really always

intended to be there and always belong there. Going back to the way that I work, one... Okay. So back at the base, they're injecting Bigfoot with anti-disease goo. But it's like time for Steve to do something bionic. So he like squishes a pair of like needle nose pliers into like Bigfoot arm reattachment pliers. So, There's no better way to explain that. Not a lot is happening. I'd argue you could have lost all 23 minutes of this episode so far and you've been just fine. Stephen Stephanie, Kiss.

And then she leaves him alone. He spies and everyone on the base. Let's see. God, does anything happen? They're going to drop a nuclear bomb on the base to set off the fault line harmlessly. And the aliens are like, no, that's going to kill us. us. They keep re-explaining this thing again. But Steve's like, no, guys, you should just leave your base.

And they're like, no, we're going to make the fucking bomb go off somewhere else and kill a bunch of people. And Steve's like, no, you guys should get out of this place. So hundreds of people don't die. And they're like, no, fuck you. And they all teleport behind him. And you're never going to believe what his plan is. He bashes them in slow motion. Yep.

I'm going to guess. I haven't seen it. I'm going to guess he holds his. arm out and just tries to run down the line of it. That's exactly what happens. He gets out. Some guy gets in a way. He kind of gives him a little kick.

Bash is another guy, throws a bunch of debris in the hallway. These guys never had a chance. But now, Steve and Bigfoot face off in the spinning Universal Studios ride tube. And it rules so hard. Like anyone who has seen this scene will remember it for the rest of their life. It is Bigfoot versus Sixth Miller Man in a spinning glowing tube. Bigfoot goes for one grab, misses. and that is the entire fight,

but I do have a clip explaining why that is. I can't see Andre's hands in this shot because he's holding on to the dolly that we're pulling along in front of him. That way he doesn't fall over when he's trying to run. What? And Lee gives him a little shot

and sends him off. Not another spark? Oh, I'm disappointed. Maybe let this shot go on a little longer than it really needed to because we were short, remember? George O'Hannion, my wonderful editor said, Kenny, this shot goes on like married life.

It goes on and on. on and on. George was great. He had worked on a touch of evil with Orson Wells. Okay. He says it. He's already back to the Hollywood talk. And that's the whole fight. And he's talking about this tube. Like nobody could stand up in this tube because it's spinning the whole time. And when you tried to walk, it like fucked with your equilibrium. So that's why Andre the Giant was on like a little cart rather than walking. Anyway. It's easier to skateboard than to stand, of course, when something's messing. Exactly. I love picturing Andre the Giant on what has to be a comically small cart for his body. Yeah.

Being wheeled through the dizziness tunnel to punch the $6 million man. And they're both just like drunk on their feet. Andre was like 500 pounds before Gorilla. At that point, can you just use a big dummy? Right. Like, why does his body, which is under a bunch of Bigfoot fur even have to be in the shot? Just use a big statue that you made. Sure.

So outside, Colonel Steve Austin catches Stephanie Powers using her time box to, like, disarm all the bombs. But he's like just so fast, he grabs her through time. And she picks her up and walks away with her. Like kind of Prince Charming style. Like, she's not not into it. The bomb goes off and her people are like, presumably dead. She doesn't want to go back and look. Steve's like, yeah, let's go rescue your friends.

She's like, no, dude, they're so fucked. I don't even want to look at their bodies. I'm not kidding. Like, she doesn't want to go back because she's like, it's going to be so gross. But they go back and Bigfoot and Steve like unburry everybody. They're like, we can't get to the power chamber to fix everything. But they have Steve into Bigfoot, so they just start digging. And let's see.

Kenny's complaining about how cheesy the scene looks, but it kind of looks pretty cool. And Lee Major, there's a scene where Lee Majors just marches right into a thousand popping sparks. Like he just doesn't give a fuck. It's like, if you've ever seen Goldberg's Pro Wrestling Entrance, it's kind of like that.

He's just like this eyes wide open walking into this spark disaster. He's got, he's a pretty hairy, man. That's a lot of fur to be doing that. Yeah, he is. and a lot of chest hair out too at all times. It's rare that he has his shirt on for more than 20 minutes straight. Yeah. What if he did not understand that the premise of the show is fake

and assumed they would just rebuild him if anything went wrong? He just thinks the technology's real. If he catches on fire, it's fine. No, you've got a lot of what we call him the business, chest tinder. They've got a lot of chest tinder right now. You can't walk into the sparks. Yeah, it's fine. You have the technology.

No, no, we don't. This is mostly stock footage. Yep. I am so far beyond done explaining. There's no reason to explain the rest of it. It's all like kisses and kind glances from Bigfoot. Bigfoot Prince Charming carries Steve out through the tube. And the whole time, Kenny's like, dude, he almost dropped him like 50 times.

Like, nobody could stand up in this tube. And then they erase his memory. He wakes up remembering nothing the end. So that was parts one and two. Brockway, do you think you could explain your episodes, Return of Bigfoot one and two in under 20 minutes? Oh, in under 20 minutes? I don't know.

I felt like there's more that happens in the two that I watched. Okay. But I also don't, I don't. have clips, so maybe a little... That might speed it up. I didn't take any clips from the episode. I took one from Alex's. Okay. So, all right, so for my episode, the first

one, I imagine some time has passed, and we open on the federal gold repository. So right away, you're like, hell yeah, get that gold. Bigfoot's going to steal a bunch of gold. But like, you've been, you've been taught, like, at least I have been taught by, like, I don't know, lots of episodes

of 18, lots of these 80s shows that, like, the cool thing that I'm thinking it's never going to happen. But it happens. It happens. It happens. It's a big foot gold heist. Yeah, it's a big foot gold heist.

They actually do it. I don't know. I was really, I was really, maybe that like painted my take on the rest of these two episodes, but I was like, this fucking kicked ass. They did the thing I wanted. Exactly. So a guard,

a guard comes in and he sees the bars bent and the gold is just like thrown about like a gorilla got in here. and just started tossing the gold around with no clue why it was valuable. So of course they bring in the $6 million man. They bring in league majors here and he has to admit like,

okay, this looks like me. I know, like, I know I'm the lead suspect here. Yeah, he has to admit like, all right, well, somebody bashed through this wall and tore these bars apart and then ran out with like fistfuls of gold. I know I'm the only one in the world who can do that. but uh

it was not me and so this premise actually rules yeah he has to prove his innocence by finding Bigfoot but he's had his memory of Bigfoot erased

remember I forgot he has to find Bigfoot but he doesn't know that Bigfoot exists and it's great and he's like Look, I didn't do this.

Obviously, something did. And he uses his bionic vision to see, like, a big footprint. And he's like, I, is it fucking Bigfoot? Yeah, he's getting flashes. Bigfoot, is Bigfoot framing me for a gold heist? Is that what's happening here? It's the perfect premise for a show. Yeah, and he gets flashes of like, oh, well, it's not even flashes of Bigfoot.

It's flashes of the Indian guy. well, the white guy pretending to be an Indian guy going Sasquatch, Sasquatch. Like, oh, that's enough for me. Yeah, that explains it. So, I want them to call Bigfoot by the name Goldfinger for the rest of the episode. But that should just be it.

He should never be referred to his Bigfoot again. Oh, imagine it's all Bigfoot remake of Goldfinger. Of every team Spahn movie. My name is Bigfoot Galang. And then she tackles Bond. Yeah. Was Blofeld and Goldfinger? I can't remember, because it's Oracle.

He's the guy, but I think he's in touch with Blofeld Inspector. Yeah, if he was in touch, you could do like Blofeld as Bigfoot and then like a little big foot as the cat. Yeah, a little big foot pet and a little big foot. That's a really good idea. Peak television. I was also, I'll tell you what else like colored my expectations of this episode. It stars fucking John Saxon.

love John Saxon. Yeah, he's great. He rules. And not only is it prime John Saxon, but he's playing a, he's playing a villainous alien. So, like, a villainous, like, weirdly fancy alien, just Pete Saxon used. Born to be this villainous alien. And he's, he's in, like, the suits Sean described. So he's got, like, like, like a colorful Devo suit on, but with, like, gold LeMay

ascot. Yeah. Oh, I think he was in mind too. Because also, the brief alien in mind just looks like a guy. They didn't do any even Star Trek facial makeup or anything. No, they all just look like guys. But you're supposed to know, you know their aliens because they have extremely colorful jumpsuits and gold scars. And you're like, that's great budget.

They just dress nuts is what they do. That's how you know they're aliens. So Lee Majors is running around. He's like just kind of distracted. by the idea that Bigfoot framed him for a gold heist, which is like, fair enough. Yeah, he's kind of, I don't know that I would, yeah, I would really go go do my job very well with that,

no, in the back of your head, like, why did Bigfoot do this to me? So, Bionic woman's in this one, too. She asks what's bugging him, and he says, let me show you something. And he brings him over to, like, the generals and everything. And they have a Bigfoot cast. They have a cast of Bigfoot's foot. I just thought that was like a really funny, accurate thing of like, if you're kind of into a guy and you're like, what's bugging you?

And he's like, let me show you something and shows you like a big foot. Yeah. This is what's been on my mind, sweetheart. Bigfoot. That's what you were thinking about when I asked, what are you thinking about? It's pretty much always what I'm thinking about. She takes him for a nice super jog, though. They do a nice bionic jog.

No bra for Lindsay Wagner, which I thought that was a pretty bold choice for 70s TV to just be like, yeah, you're doing a running scene? All right. Yeah, no, you don't need a bra for that, Lindsay Wagner. I don't know. Yeah, this is, it's a little sexually charged. She seems like, she's like, would you like to go for a bionic workout and then leaves it for a little bit? And then she's like, you know, I meant a run. Like, no, you didn't, but like you weren't getting the response.

Yeah, yeah. That you wanted. Of course I meant run. But yeah, they do little horse jumps. Yeah. Just together. They do a little horse jumps. Like they run and find a low fence and they hop over it together.

I couldn't tell if that was really them or not. I don't know if that was their stunt doubles or not, but it was a pretty good jump. It was a good jump. Not a great jump for a horse. You would be only like medium proud of a horse, but for a person. For a person. Pretty good. It's above average.

And this whole time they're getting stalked by one of the aliens in a pink pants suit. Sandy Duncan. And she has. Yeah, Sandy Duncan, she has that little garage opener that lets her do, as far as I can tell in this episode, anything. Anything. Anything. It's just, it's a bat utility belt. Like, she just can do what the fuck ever.

Lee Major is super distracted and he's like, I was in my head. I was running with someone else bionically. And the bionic woman gets all jealous and she's like, how many other woman did you run around with? bionically. Is bionic cheating worse than regular cheating? It's really hurt her. Yeah, she felt so betrayed.

Like, bionic's the thing that I bring to the relationship. You can't... Yeah, bionic monogamy, whatever that would be. It's like cheating on her with her twin sister. It's just like, what the fuck, man. It's a really weird vibe to paint this whole thing with. It's like, are they like romantic?

Not really, but they're also, like, really possessive of each other. And they're out for a little horse jog. So he does see evil. He thinks he sees Sandy Duncan, and then she disappears using her Ninja Magic box. And then so he goes home later that night. She teleports into his bedroom and says there's a reason he doesn't remember her. And so she uses that gizmo to beam memories back into his head. Right.

So. So he remembers the first. two-partner now, most of it. Yeah. But you're like, I thought this controlled time. It controls time and memories. You know? Yeah.

So, long story short, the Sasquatch, like, all that stuff happened, he remembers it. And now the new development is that the bionic Sasquatch, who is no longer played by Andre the Giant, played by a much more. Ted Cassidy. handsome and... Yeah. He's lost about 300 pounds. Well, 250 maybe. Yeah.

But he's got a beautiful perm. He's got a lovely perm. It's true. Little curls that shake when he moves. It's very distracting. The Sasquatch robot, it was taken over by the evil rival alien faction who just want to get the fuck off Earth. They're done with this place.

And they blew up the power supply of the good aliens, the California aliens, headquarters. So a lot of them are irradiated now. And this all like... When you call them the California aliens I imagine them making California Raisins band music videos. So that's true. They do have like matching jumpsuits with a little

scarves. So like they're probably a band involved in all of this. Yeah. Really cool 70s band. Or like an underwater shark like with Jabberjaw Jabberjaw and the California aliens. Yeah, it's a jabrata outfit. I'd watch that cartoon. That's the show.

So all of this is like, like Lee Major, Steve Austin is just like, oh my God, it's all coming together. And I wrote down the line, he said, at last, the gold robbery makes sense now. Bigfoot must have broken in there. I should have taken that clip. A great line to deliver. Yeah. So the evil aliens led by John Saxon are like sorting through their gold, playing around with their Sasquatch robot, you know, just having a just party. this is a party

and they take Sasquatch out and they're gonna steal emeralds now and so they have him attack the security guard and that's when you realize oh he doesn't want to be doing this Sasquatch is being controlled so like he didn't just join the party aliens because he likes to have a good time

he's like John Saxon has a little box and it makes a terrible noise that seems to hurt Sasquatch but even that's not enough they tell him they'll use that They'll make that noise happen to his friend, I believe her name is Shaolin, which is like the love interest from Sean's. Right. The love interest alien from Sean's episodes.

And I guess the love interest of Sasquatch too? Yeah, he's got a big crush on her, I think. Yeah, I think that's what they're trying to paint this as. Sasquatch is really into her. Yeah. So it's not a mind control thing. It's like he has a like a taser and also like the leverage of, hey, I'm going to kill your friend. Even though they basically turn to camera and say,

we're not really going to kill her audience. Like, come on. Yeah, they assure the audience immediately. We do not have the ability to do that. But Sasquatch must never know. Right. I don't know. It's like lying to your dog.

Why are you bothered? It's a betrayal, but it's also not very effective. So the next day, Sandy, Duncan in her whole pantsuit ninja costume and Steve Austin are getting debriefed when they figure they figure out maybe John Saxon, the evil alien John Saxon, is using Cyber Squatch to steal gold and jewels for a different reason. It's not just money. They want it for something.

And so to figure that out, they radio back to the good aliens. And they discover that Chalin is dying from radiation poisoning, just like many of them in that base. of the power supply thing. And she says a pretty great line to him. Like right away, this is like the first thing she says to him. Steve, it's good to see you. Even this way, have you located my Sasquatch? She's still just like pining for him through the video conference.

She's like, God damn it, you look good, Steve Austin. Even as I die from radiation, I just want to know, do you have my Sasquatch? Somebody's got to have my Sasquatch. It's somewhere, you know. It's killing me, but not my loins. Not my desire, Steve Austin. So she tells him and the bionic woman that the evil alien, John Saxon, is out to build an invincible force field with the gold and emeralds. And they need two more things.

They need a radioactive isotope and a titanium alloy. And so they go out, they're going to go out to the spots to the isotope and the alloy. and ambush this flamboyant alien family band, I guess. And their Cybersquatch, remember. And they do. They ambush them, mostly through, you know, tons of slow motion running and shimmery jumps. And it takes a very long time and nothing happens. Steve Austin confronts Sasquatch and it's like, we were friends.

We were friends once, Sasquatch. and he he does not attack until John Saxon reminds him like we can make Shaolin hear the bad noise too and Sasquatch is like no not the bad noise not for her so yeah they gently swat

and push in slow motion for another I want to say 30 minutes at least they are playing like volleyball briefly with a radioactive barrel which is funny volleyball Yeah, like Sasquatch throws it at him and Lee Major's like volleyballs it back to him.

Sasquatch returns the serve back to him. And then Lee Major's like, can't handle that one. So he bops it away. Only as he bops it away, a security guard just opens the door at that exact moment and gets crushed by the barrel. Like doesn't even have time to see it. It's real fucked up. That poor dude. that's something that reminds me of what's frustrating about the shows you never know what

damage people are taking like they'll kind of shove Steve into the ground like just a nice soft ground in the woods and he just won't get up for 40 50 seconds you're like oh what why and other times he'll like block a fucking metal pole coming down on him with Sasquatch strength and it'll be like okay but that doesn't fucking bother him like I think if you'll he'll throw to those clips, you'll find it was every time he stayed down for 50 seconds it was to pat out the length of the show. Somebody was, the director

was just off camera going, stay down, stay down, stay down, just steady. 30 more seconds. Like peeking up. It feels like I've been down here for a long time. Nope, nope. Okay, lean, now. Slowly gather your strength.

No, no, no, slower than that. Yeah, it is. I'm not a dad yet, but I have a nephew. I've played with him and other toddlers. And it's kind of toddler logic, especially boy toddlers, of like, weird characters who are fighting in some way. Like, you're dead. And then other times you're just not dead. And it's whatever.

It's cool. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. And I feel like a lot of people speak that language either as being a toddler or just from pro wrestling or kung fu movies. We all kind of have an understanding of like how much something should have hurt. Six million an arm a man does not speak that language. You never know until someone either.

stays dead or gets up how much damage they took. But like that barrel apparently would have killed him because that just takes the security guard out. And he, uh, he runs, he runs over to like tend to the security guard. But then, you know, the authorities come in, his friends come in and they don't, they don't see that. They just see like he is busted into this facility. Right. The cyber splotches is gone. Like maybe with time powers.

He has just disappeared. Yeah. The guard apparently did not have, did not have. have enough time to even register that there was a cyber squatch there, which is among the first things you would register when you enter a room. That guy saw barrel and then floor. Yeah, barrel and floor. It's so funny. That's his role. Hey, what's going? I do like this because he's like, hey, guys, I'm Colonel Steve Austin. Like, we do not fucking care, crazy intruder, who you are. And he does not, he doesn't tell him about Bigfoot, which is probably the move, I suppose. Yeah, it's a probably move. Because he, all right, so

they bring him back. And they'll like, surely, okay, this looks bad. We found you, it was only you, you're the only guy in the world who could have stolen the gold. And then a few minutes later, you're the only guy in the world who was busted into this facility. You killed a guy with a barrel. Like, you know

it looks bad, right? And so Steve Austin says, okay, well, then I'd better explain. And he tells them the entire thing, which remember, he's like, there are aliens, they're in California. They move through time. There's a

Sasquot. I'm sorry, cyber Sasquatch. Right. We were friends. We used to be friends. We're not anymore. Like, clearly, this is a psychotic way. The craziest story, yeah.

No one would believe this. Yeah, they're not, what I really love about this is they don't like, in many of these shows, you would expect the reception to be like, that sounds crazy, but God damn it, we've been through so much. You know, I believe you. They're like, are you fucking crazy? You lost your mind. And we have a plaster cast of things.

foot's foot on our desk. Yeah. And we think you're crazy. Yeah. I know Bigfoot exists. Cyber Bigfoot? So they do, they start to give him a chance. They determine that the radioactive isotope, the last thing he says they need, can be tracked by Steve's bionic eye.

And then they're like, no, no. NSA says we have to turn down your bionics because you're going fucking nuts out here yelling about Sasquatch. Like, can't let you get away with that. So, what he does is his solution to this problem is he just fucking hurls himself out the window like he's suicidal. You just run straight to the window and leaps out from like the 10th story or whatever. And they're just like, okay. I mean, we still have the switch to turn down your bionics, but they're like, no, no, no.

Well, let's give him a chance. So he steals a helicopter. He flies it to the good aliens compound. where the pantsuit ninja Sandy Duncan realizes that all of their miracle drug that heals everything that they used on Sasquatch from Sean's episode. All of that's been stolen by John Saxon, and they need that here to solve the radiation poisoning. So, John Saxon peams, and he reveals this was all a trap. It was all a trap to lure Steve Austin here to fight the Sasquatch. And then what he does is,

he reaches into Sasquatch's neck and he turns a dial and says this will increase the Sasquatch's strength Why would you ever have that turn down? I would have that shit. He's got a squatch knob and he had it on six Crank that squash knob? Yeah

crank that shit to 11. He cranks the squash to 11. I hope he's like a dad who won't let you turn up the heat or the air conditioning. Like, no, we don't have to build to be crazy. I don't know. Hey, guys.

Too much money. Not paying a big foot the outdoors. It costs a fortune. I just love the idea of a squash knob. I've got a squatch knob and I'm turning it up. Turning it all the way up. So Steve, Steve Austin arrives at the last place,

the titanium alloy warehouse. He fights the Sasquatch. More walrus fighting. Just. Yeah, just elephants. Walrus. It's what it is. It's like, I'm sure they're very powerful, but it looks like shit, man.

They're just kind of bumping into each other. But you're right. It has a ritualistic, like, animal thing, like two giraffes, like banging necks in a way that means something to them. Like, they know who's winning, but we certainly don't. In slow motion. Yes. Way slower than your picture. So Steve tricks the cybersquatch into running into some electrical kids.

cables and you're like, oh, that's surely, that's the, that's the weakness. No, no, no, he doesn't give a shit about that. This whole fucking building is made out of voltage boxes. No, every wall they turn to is another voltage box. It's the fucking best. Yeah, so he runs, he tricks him into running into one voltage box and you're like, oh, I guess that's not going to do it. And then he tricks them into running into a voltage box directly across the hallway from that voltage box, but it's an even bigger voltage box. Yeah. Like, okay, so that's pretty funny. That's what's going to do it. No. Sasquatch still doesn't care. What he does is he reaches in and rips out the pole containing the wires and is like,

I'm just going to beat you to death with the voltage box. The electro club. Yeah, he's got an electro club now. And he does. He starts slapping Steve Austin with it. It knocks him down and then he like drops a hydraulic lift or something down. Right. very, of course, very, very, very, very slowly lowers down over his legs and slowly explodes his cyber legs, Steve Austin's cyber legs.

And then in the hospital, they explain when that happened, if you destroy Steve Austin's cyber legs, what they do is they release a deadly dose of radiation into Steve Austin. What? That's where we keep his radiation. never destroy his legs. It's like that problem with the Ford Pinto, where if it crashes at one spot, it could close up. Okay.

Yeah, and exactly like the Pinto, like that spot, that spot was like the rear bumper. And so they're like, well, this is why he doesn't like to kick a lot because he's going to take a fatal dose of radiation. So he's in the hospital now, and they explain he's going to die within a day. He'll never regain consciousness. But fuck that.

He struggles out of. his coma to tell the bionic woman, this is up to her now. She has to find Shaolin and stop the evil aliens and their cybersquatch, which has been cranked to 11 on the Sasquatch knob. And that's it for that episode. And the continuation is in, it's a cross series. So this was an episode of $6 million man. The continuation part two is in the bionic woman, her own series. So clever. So like, I just want to sell like how. How. big of an event this is. Like, this is the, I think

it's the two-part, it's a, the season opener for a $6 million dollar man, and then a special crossover event into another series. They're like, this is, this is everything. Our huge promotional event. This is the big, the big event. And it's, it's bigfoot.

It's a cyber bigfoot. It's a cyber bigfoot. And the episode ends with his legs exploding and giving him radiation poisoning. What the fuck are you doing here? I want them to have called this Battle of the Network Bigfoot's. That would just be a fun name.

It would be really good. I'd watch that. That was pretty fast. So on to episode two and the Bionic Woman. I like that their intros of the two shows are very similar, except for once it gets to like the Bionic Woman's cost, it says, cost of project, classify. They're like, yeah.

They didn't want to let everyone know it's less. You can't just ask a lady her price. That's considered rude basically everywhere. How much are you worth? No, you can't do that. So, Wionic Woman is out in the California Mountains. She's looking for the good alien compound

because, remember, they have that wonder drug, and now she needs it to save Steve Austin. John Sachs is back at his evil alien base, which he has built into a volcano. and he assures us it's all purely for geothermal energy reasons. Right. Like that's where I've built my evil layer. I have to.

I have to be in the volcano. There's a good reason. Yeah. It's not just cool. It's not why. So they're almost done building the Invincible Force Field. So we have two ticking clocks, Invincible Force Field and Dying Bionic Man. And three, if you count like Sasquatch Rampage, which you should, I guess.

I think you should. On their security monitor, they see the Bionic woman's on her search. And she asks, she's in a helicopter, like flying over it. And she, that's one of the coolest things I've seen on television. She turns to the helicopter pilot and says, hey, what's your security clearance? And he says, level five. And she says, well, you're about to become a six. And then she turns and leaps out of the helicopter.

The coolest shit. Like presumably to her death. And he's like, what the? fuck just happened. It's fucking crazy. I rewound it because I'm like, did they throw a dummy out of the helicopter? Like, no, some stunt lady just took a jump out of a helicopter. That's great. That's the show, right? Yeah. That one of us. That rule. That guy was just, and that guy sold it is like, what the hell just, you can't, did she die? What? Security clearance got upgraded. So amazing that happens here. Because when he sees that,

he's like, oh, she's bionic, we got to get there. And which is not a big deal, because remember, they have these boxes. But I want everyone to be clear on how these boxes work. They just stop time and they're 1,800 miles away, which means they have to walk while time is stopped through this treacherous time-stopped jungle, 1,800 miles. That is months of walking. Now, even more important, in order for John Saxon to take Bigfoot with him, they have to touch. that means he held Bigfoot's hand for 1,800 miles.

That's what happened in the moment she was jumping out of the helicopter. That's the journey John Saxon and Bigfoot were on. A four-month hike across Mexico holding hands. I don't care how at odds they were at the start of that with that much contact and that much trauma. They are friends now at the very least. Oh, yeah. That's one of the most interesting. things I've ever heard.

Yeah. Easily. Like, I mean, that's, that's right there. That's Frodo and Sam. That's how. Yeah.

They're going to get there and be like, why did we come here again to kill that? I don't think we should, man. I think we should rethink the whole evil volcano base. Yeah. I like, now we're just happy.

Now we know what happiness is. So like, why would we, why would we do all of this? Let's build this dream together, Bigfoot. That should be the bionic woman landing, and then John Sack.

and Bigfoot are already there apologizing to her. Like picnic set up, like, we've been thinking. We've had a lot of time to think about it. So, yeah, he takes, he's there. He's there all of a sudden, John Saxon is there with the cybersquatch. And then, you know, Cyber Squatch and Bionic Woman fight in slow motion. And you would think, like, they're going to handle it differently, different shows, right? A little bit.

Not really It ends sort of the same way She does a jump She jumps over him I don't think Steve Austin Would have done that Yeah she's a little more like Crafty

But it's also all in slow motion And not really A lot of actual fighting A lot of pushing and bouncing around Right But Steve is very much like I see your big foot I'm gonna match you

Bonk for Bunk Shub for Shove And she's kind of like I'm gonna like Stick and move For a minute Which is also crazy because they go out of their way to say,

like, their bionics are very specific parts, right? I don't remember what all the bionic mans were, but hers are, she's got bionic legs and a bionic right arm and a bionic ear, whereas Steve has a bionic eye. So, like, he has super sight,

she has super hearing. And she uses their bionic fist can, like, at various points, can just destroy anything. It seems like that's what the power is. So you would think, like, all right, super punch the Sasquatch. when are you going to get another chance to do it?

Like, even if he was friendly, you have to do it. He is weak to arm get yanked the fuck off. She should try that. Just to say, just to tell your kids. Yeah. But no, she just kind of bounces and dodges and they slap fight again in slow motion for a long time. There's this a bit here I liked where she's on the other side of a big rock. And I'm like, okay, well, he can't ever get her.

Like, she could just spin around whichever direction he goes. And then he just takes the rock and smacks it, like into space. like, that rock is gone. And it's like, oh, well, now you're fucked lady. And she knows, too. She's like, all right, yeah, it's over. I trusted you, Rock. Yeah. That was all my ideas

is stay on other side of rock. So back at the good alien base, Sandy Duncan is there, and she's been kidnapped. No, it's the evil alien base. Sorry, she's been kidnapped. And she steals one of the guards magic boxes, the little time box.

And she then teleports to California. So then she has to walk four months through the job. Yep. Alone. Let's see. John Saxon, he kind of loses that fight, so he takes his cybersquatch and he just goes home like a bullied child

taking their basketball. He's just like, well, you're not going to appreciate me. I'm just going to get out of here. Sandy Duncan takes the bionic woman to the good alien compound where they meet Shalyn. And she said, Because they only have one vial of this miracle drug left that Steve needs. And it's established she also needs it to live.

But she's not going to take it just in case somebody else needs it. And luckily that's when Bionic Woman and Sandy Duncan show up and say like, oh, guess who needs it? It's your boyfriend. He got leg poisoning. He's dying of leg poison. We need the magic drug that cures leg poison. And of course she does.

She loves him so much. she gives the last file of the drug she needs. She tells him, like, where to find the evil aliens and everything and adds a wrinkle. She says, if the evil aliens actually tap into the volcano, they want to use her power, it will kill millions with tidal waves. Yeah, I think they explained it. What tidal waves? Yeah, like the whole Pacific plate would go under water. Like, it's the super quake that everyone is concerned about from San Andreas.

Like it would trigger that causing just all of the West Coast to be destroyed, all of the Americas. I just love that you have so many stakes right now. Yeah. You have Steve Austin, main character of the show is dying. His girlfriend is dying. There's a race of evil aliens that are going to build an invincible force field and make themselves the rulers of the planet forever. And you're like, needs more. And our friendly Bigfoot is a burglar slave, a burglar combat.

Yeah. At any point you could be attacked by hold on a cyber bigfoot crank to 11. And these boxes at any point, one of the bad guys could, it could occur to them that they could stop time and just hit everyone in the head with the hammer. And like, you wouldn't even know what happened. You would just be dead. But no, we need to destroy the entire Pacific plate. There's that too, yes. The whole continent will be destroyed, actually. So Sandy Duncan She drops the bionic woman off at

John Saxon's Bigfoot Party compound There for a good time, not a long time And then she teleports away Because she's going to get the miracle drug to Steve And so this time John Saxon gives Sasquatch the order Not to kill Bionic Woman, but to take her hostage I don't know what changed I don't know what he saw in their fight

Then he's like, I gotta have that but she overhears it with her bionic ear and thinks that's perfect she's just going to like play possum for him which she does she puts up a little bit of an effort to make it look good and then plays possum and gets taken captive and infiltrates the base

the base is erupting now because they fucked up they tapped into the volcano and there's a really wonderful moment where like they have all this they're selling like the room is shaking everybody's panicking and yelling, and John Saxon just looks at the lava and goes, good. He fucking loves it. I like this.

John Saxon likes the lava. He likes it hot. Sandy Duncan gets there, and she's about to use the miracle drug on Steve Austin. But then all the stupid Earth doctors come in, and she's like, well, they can't see me, so I can't finish treating him so that she has to disappear. And then Shaolin is watching it the whole time going like, get the fuck out of it. the room doctors. What are they doing? God damn it. Just pissed off that they're trying to treat him. So the bionic woman is taken captive. She's in a cell. She explains to Sasquatch, who I guess speaks

perfect English. It's tough to say. There's more about his language center in Alex's episode, but he can kind of understand people. But also, I think, like, the bionic woman is just, just like, like so charming and beautiful that like she can tame the beast like, you know, like a King Kong type thing. Yeah. Yeah. Every time he sees her, he flashes back to his other crush, Sha Lin. I think he's just pretty horny for Earth women.

Yeah. So she explains to Sasquatch that John Saxon has been lying. He can't actually hurt Shaolin. The good aliens need his help. But Sasquatch is, he plays it like, oh, I'm not sure if I can believe it. that, which he does wonderfully by giving like a tiny shake of his head so that his little curls bounce. Like, no.

I don't know. It shakes his chair and curl loose. Yeah. Just gives her a little splash of activator. That's how you tell a human you don't quite believe them. It's really adorable. So the Earth doctors finally leave so that Sandy Duncan can save Steve Austin. Shalin collapses.

She's dying back there. Back at the evil base, bionic woman is still trapped in the erupting volcano. And now they're starting, like, even he's starting to suspect, all right, maybe this wasn't good. Maybe I shouldn't have said good. This is looking pretty bad. In the hospital, Steve comes out of his coma, and his very first word is Sasquatch? No. I just love that you could come out of a coma and say, Sasquatch?

And they'd be like, Sasquatch. Oh, God, he didn't make it. His brain is fucking melted. Yeah, his brain is fried. You can't just say Sasquatch wrong. You can't pronounce Sasquatch wrong out of a coma. They just kill him with a hammer, I expect, as his medically sound advice.

So, Bionic Woman, she digs herself out of the cell because she's got the superarm and legs. She just bashes through an entire volcano. Right away, you're like, Christ. Crazy. Okay, if you could do that, what were we ever doing in the Sasquatch fights? Like, you could bash through a volcano with your fists. John Sasquatch yells like, kill my Sasquatch, attack my Sasquatch. Because now Steve Austin is coming back.

He's all better instantly. He's teleported back to the volcano, which I imagine. Teleport is a strong word. Remember, they had to go on an 1800-mile hand-holding hike. Holding hands. I guarantee you anyone holding hands with Lee Majors or Sandy Duncan is going to fall in love by the end of 1800 miles. Guaranteed. Oh, yeah.

They've definitely had like several children along the way, like time children that have never known a moving earth. Just they show up with like two eight-year-olds. Like I, yeah, it's twins. I mean, no, that wasn't my question. They have to be sent to the developmental school for children from statue earth where everything was a statue and you don't know how to be in a moving earth. I mean, right away, you got to get your earth legs under you. This thing moves. You guys don't have to chew your water?

They have to learn so much about our ways. So now the Sasquatch is going to fight the bionic man. Bionic Woman steals the control unit that controls the mix of bad noise in Sasquatch's head and she explains to Sasquatch again and this time Sasquatch believes her which he does with a shy little nod that makes his curls bounce again

little curls bounce He plays it so bashing. It's so coy and cute yeah Yeah he plays Sasquatch just like I'm a little shy I'm just a little shy guy I guess that's I guess that's his interpretation of like Sasquatch is really

hard to find and we don't see him a lot and he's like he must be shy. That's how I'm going to play him. So all of John Saxon's evil aliens chase the bionic woman around and she decides she's completely helpless. She's going to run from these ordinary men with no abilities. A bunch of fucking nerds. She just karate chop through a volcano. These guys have no chance. She just punched through solid rock and now there's like six normal sized and normal strength the men and she's like oh my god i have to get out of here i have to run around uh it's frustrating that sucks yeah yeah in her own show only it can't be anything other the misogyny that's the dude who just i would excuse that in the biotic if she's guessing in the

bionic man you know what i mean right but it's her show i go it's her show let her shine let her shine so working together uh Sasquatch on the bionic man be come in and beat the shit out of all those nerds that she's running away from at this point it's really lopsized because it's Bigfoot, two Bionic people, and of course, Sandy Duncan, who has a time box. Yeah, she has the time box, which I don't think they do because they don't, I guess they do, but they don't use it. They forget about it, yeah. What she does? They forget about it. Sandy Duncan doesn't. So what happens is Sasquatch and two cyborgs beat the holy shit out of all of these nerds.

And then Sandy Duncan runs around and turns all of their time box down to one so that they are trapped in slow motion and can't get up. Yeah. It's like this cruel eternity of motionlessness that she's cursed them to. And as soon as the slow motion trap starts, the producers are like, we're good. We don't need to shoot any more footage. Pack it up. We can just stretch this baby out. All right.

Like, what do they see? Do they see everybody just, do they see the world blurring by in fast motion? Like, impossible to track as they're trapped in this low dimension? Yeah. The crew is like, do we have any more to shoot? the producer is loading a tray of weird pasta from craft services into the trunk of his car. He is already going home with free hitter. No, we figured out.

In fact, everybody has slow motion boxes now. Everybody in every episode about. We should have thought of this four seasons ago. They do a move here they didn't have to do where like Lindsey Wagner throws a guy to Lee Majors, who throws a guy to Bigfoot. And so they like just three fling combo across the room that had to have been a pain in the ass to shoot, much more so than all the bonging and slapping. I was like, okay.

And remember, they've never shown the aliens to have super speed of strength beyond using their little box. So this is just a guy. It's just some guy. Yeah, he's dead. His internal organs are liquefied before he even lands from this triple throw combo. It's just like trying to return a serve of a water balloon. You're like, no, it's just going to burst all over you. So yeah, they decide

They beat the shit out of all the one They win They decide that the magic box Can do everything Could also cool the lava By speeding the lava up so much That it gets cold Which I don't

I don't know that that would work I feels like that would give the lava Super Speed first Yeah, no That's a very good point The way they explain it Doesn't quite make sense But if a child would like

think of it and understand it, but like an adult is like, wait a second. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You need a blank mind coming in to think of any of this. I feel like you could set it to slow motion and then just like, that gives us time to dump a bunch of water on it or something. But like speed it up so much is like, well, now you're stuck with super lava, lady. Like, uh, so they have to get the box to the lava. So they run up there and they decide as they're running up the volcano, first bionic woman checks out,

even though it's her show, she's the first to check out. She's like too hot, I'm exhausted. She ducks out. Bionic Man has to save the day. Again, her fucking show. So he's running up the volcano. Only, like, he gets almost there and decides, like, I'm going to have to throw it. And they say, like, no, no, you'll never make that throw.

It's too far. Like, he has the bionic arm, though. The throw is like, it's like a couple hundred. It's like a major league baseball throw. Sure. I couldn't do it. but they're like, it's too hot to throw. So who has to throw it at last?

It's Sasquatch. That's right. Best equipped for the heat with his giant fur coat. Sasquatch runs up there. Straight up takes the box out of Steve's hand as he's about to make the heroic throw. He's like, fucking don't do that. Let me move eight feet closer and throw it with my, yeah. And he moves eight feet closer.

He throws it in and it stops the law, it saves the day. And then they do the wrap up where they explain that John Saxon will face the justice of alien court, which, uh, that feels a little weak for all of this. Yeah. Put him in the fucking phantom zone. Why do you have a phantom zone?

Yeah. If Sandy Duncan said my box also does phantom zone from the Superman movie, no one would care. That'd be like, of course it does. I mean, slow motion, turn his,

turn his thing down to zero. That would work too, yeah. Yeah. He'll wake up in the year, 3700. Not our fucking problem anymore. Uh,

they also put Shalin, who has not quite died, but is going to die into time stasis until the mothership will return for them in a hundred years. And as they all leave through the Universal Studios ride tunnel, the ice tunnel,

they decide, you know what, Sasquatch, Cyber Squatch, you get, and their words, a big bionic hug. That's how it ends, man. They bionically hugged Cyber Squatch in a time tunnel. This show was fucking great.

also think about going into hibernation like this hey do you want to sleep with us for a hundred years in time stasis and they're like kind of should we yeah that seems like that seems cool uh what that ultimately they decide nah i just want to hug your saskwatch you know what can you can you turn his hug dial up to 11 you have it set on six for some reason why would you do that that's it that's the end of those episodes what a show Alex will do yours uh in the bonus So if you want to hear that, you've got to join our Patreon. I just, with all five of these, I love how little it really has to do with Bigfoot. You know what I mean?

Like, Bigfoot's in it. But immediately, he's bionic and there's aliens and there's earthquake caves and stuff. Like, the show really doesn't think Bigfoot is actually that interesting. They need to do so much more. It could have been anything. It could have been a strong alien. It could have been a dog. There's no reason for it to be Bigfoot.

Yeah, it's almost like Superman lore a lot of it, an alien being and super strength and on the earth and stuff. Bigfoot being in this seems very coincidental. I mean, they only used him to, like, rip open doors. They could have, like, had a laser or, you know, I don't know. Also, there's no, like, established unit for Bigfoot could have just been strong enough to take on the Bionic Man. Sure.

Like, he doesn't exist. So there must have been a nerd fight where they were like, no, no, no, bigfoot could not. take he would need to be some kind of cyber big foot to stand a chance wait what did you just say dollar sign eyes dollar sign eyes ice nine hundred frank first he's welcome once again one nine hundred oddos if a insult comedian who makes things too real it's mr jimmy how's he to be here got a lot of supremes in the audience tonight look at aaron crossden here hey you look like you don't get enough colonoscopies. Like you're gonna die of ass cancer at 54. Just when you start really getting comfortable with who you are. What's the matter? A little too real for you? Yeah,

I know. I'm working on that. Hey, I see Adrian Hesbrook. Hey, I see Alex Nolenberg. Look at this. It's Alpha Scientist Javo. Hey, and Andy, I see you back there. I once went on safari with this guy and I watched him kill a white rhino so he could powder and snort its horn. He was so sad when it did not give him an erection. I wasn't supposed to tell nobody that. Oh, it's a very serious crime. Oh, oh. Hey, it's Armando Nava.

I see Autumn Armstrong Berg. I see Bim Talser. Oh, Brandon Garlock, I know you ain't got enough in your retirement fun. You're blowing it all on Funko Pops of obscure movie monsters, and your elderly self is gonna curse you for it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that one's a sprinkler. It was supposed to be a sprinkler. It's summer. I'm trying something.

Brian Saylor, I see you there. Brockway famously loves the meat millie. Hey, Sarah, I'd see Chloe here. She got a face only a mother could love. Could, but did not. Oh, keep seeking that validation from cam girls and escorts, babe. That's you. That's what you do.

That's not me? Why would you think that's me? That's you. I only say true stuff about you. Like, uh, like, uh, like a common sense here. He looked like he got one of those ironic names. Like calling common sense's mother, Mrs. had a positive influence on common sense's body dysmorphia.

Whoa! Hey, come on, it's just a joke. There's no truth to it. It don't mean nothing about neither of us. All right? I don't wish I was a small, frail, pale man, racked by consumption. Like, that's, I'm happy being big and healthy. That's what I like. That's what I like. Don't question it. Here's Craig Lemoyne. Let's move on. Here's Craig Lemoy. I see Dan B. I see David Scholl. I see Dean Costello. I love this guy. Dean Costello. He's. He's. He once watched someone he loved Drown and he was too scared to help him, so he sold the song rights to Phil Collins. You guys gotta stop trusting me with your secrets.

Oh, sorry, I hiccoughed while doing that one. And it came out weird. That won't happen again. Delta Fox Trot, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Doug Redmond, Dusty's rad title, Edgar Matthias, you look like you find comfort at night by telling yourself nobody remembers the embarrassing you did, but I've heard it, it's all anybody talks about. Oh, back to normal O's. Oh, it was a one-time fluke.

Just like all your exes say about you, Elizabeth Shope. Oh, all right, I see Elliot Watson here. He's all right. I'm all right too. I'm glad I got my normal O's back. I was not just testing the waters for a new and scary change that I desperately want to make in my life. Not like Eric Christianberg. Look at that ball cap. They call this the receding hairline special. Oh! I got fancy shark. I got Garrett. I got Jelloho. I got good Satan and all his hot witches over here. Oh, look at this. It's Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham, you work so much. Your kids are going to have trouble remembering your face after they leave for college.

Oh, that one's about you. That's not about something haunting my kid said to me. All this stuff's about you guys. Hey, Haraka. Hey, Harvey Pinguini. Oh, I'd love to see you here, honk. Hey, Jabberal Aiden, James Boyd, I got Jared Clack. I got Jared Mountain Man.

Oh, I got Jared Ruiz. Hold on. Jared Ruiz here. He's going to wait until everyone's gone for the night. And then he's going to go around and lick all the seats of the people who didn't laugh at My jokes. That's what he's gonna do. Oh, he likes the taste of failure. This guy does. Not me. Jeff O'Raskey, John McCam, and I got John Minkoff. Hey, you smell like extramarital sex, my man. Everyone can smell it. Even your wife there next to you. She just don't have the courage to disrupt her whole life,

because she don't know. She's worth 10 of you, because she's too fucking stupid. Oh, I got you both. Oh, I'm sorry there was again. That's, uh, that's weird. I don't know what's going on with that. Okay, I got, I got, I got Joseph Searle's here. I got Josh S. I got Joshua Graves. I got Justin B.

I got Ken Paisley. I got K&M. Hey K&M. Your AI girlfriend called. Just kidding. No, she didn't. Oh, there we go. That's the normal one.

That's okay. Everything's normal. I'm not learning nothing about myself up here. Okay, okay, we got Kamutsas, we got KVH, we got Lane Haygood, we got Lisa Lisa worries she's the weird girl at work because she never gets invited to nothing Don't worry Lisa they don't think you're weird they don't think about you at all Oh, normal one again. All right, we got it, we got it M Jahi Chappelle Mark Mahoney Matt Riley Max Boreoy

mercenary Sissadman Michael Lear a Mojou you carry yourself like you're not the hero in your own story. Oh, that one seems gentle at first, but it will haunt you. Some things, they just, they just haunt you. Uh, Mort, I got Mort here, I got Mr. Bob Gray, I got ND. What does ND stand for? Non-descript? Oh, that one's on purpose. It's a callback to that thing I did earlier. I'm owning it, okay? I'm owning it. It's just a joke. Neil Bailey, Neil Bailey liked that, oh, right? Right, Neil Bailey liked it. He likes that pop stuff, am I right? Ha ha ha, I hate that stuff. He loves it though.

Neil Schaefer, I got Neku 104, I got Nick Levino, I got obsolete over here. Now obsolete, he's like Neil Bailey. This is someone who wants to prance about in a powdered wig. I can see it, I can see it, obsolete. Oh, that's me doing an impression. That's an impression of obsolete. That's not me? Ornui Weevil. I got Ozzy Olin, I got Patrick Herbst, I got Pee Wee's Uncle, I got Rebrandrew, I got Red Wine Time. Red Wine Time probably got a secret storage unit full of ruffled shirts and tights. Sometimes they sleep in there just to be physically closer to the person they think they are inside.

Oh, that's what you do. That's what you do, Red Wine Time. Hey, Ria, I got Russell Bowman, I got Sam Kopnik, I got Sarkovsky, look at Sean Chase. I got seed over here. Space Jam fan. Space Jam fan. Now, this is a guy who sees an old-timey fop or dandy put on his white face makeup and paint the little moulon,

and he's like, ooh, that's me. That's the way I wish I was. Oh, I got you. I know that's how you are. Hey, Spotty reception. A super knot. Tater's Tales. Thomas Cavatzos.

Oh, who do we got here? You know how sometimes you can see a man? You take one look at him, and you just know. You just know. This guy, this guy likes to tip. I got you, Thomas, I got your tittering ass. Timi Leahy, Toasty God, Tommy G, Velo, Victor Malavakin, Booster. Oh, don't sink down in your seat, now Booster, I see you.

I got you, I know you. You think you're some strong, independent woman, but I know you're tight. I know you're tight. You live your whole life just hoping. Oh, you're just praying some big, strong man comes along and calls one of your quips, Rybalt. That's you! That's what you have.

That has nothing to do with me. I can just see it on your face. Waylon Russell, Yvonne Clappaham, Zach and Ava. I'm looking at John Dean here. I and I just know this guy sees old-timey fops and dandies and movies and he don't know. Are they a German thing? Are they French or English or something? Are they just kinda all Europe rolled together into like one stereotype

that maybe never existed at all? That don't matter to John Dean, because every time he sees them boys minson and Pranton, he thinks, that's me. That's not the me I am, but is the me I should be. And he goes, and he becomes an insult comment, because that's what they say the men do. That's what they say the modern-day man equivalent is of that. But it just unfulfilled, you know, it doesn't, it's not enough for John Dean. He thinks, he's like, I'm Oscar Wilde up here, you know, telling it like it is,

and everybody, everybody laughs and joins in and calls me pretty. And it never quite happens that way. Does it, John Dean? It's not the same thing being an insult comic as it is, being a real, being a fop with a savage wit. I see you, John Dean, all over your face, man. It's all over your face that you wish that was what you were. That's you.

That's what you are. It's a joke. It's all a joke. It's just, there's no truth to it. There's no truth to it, man. Oh.