The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 271, Judge & Jury with Dirk Marshall

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

Seanbaby kicks off Martin Kove Month with Brockway and guest, Dirk Marshall. We're talking about Judge & Jury, the one where Martin Kove fights a satanic Bugs Bunny because he didn't murder his wife. It'll make more sense when you watch it. Sorry we lied to you last sentence. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert is going to jail because you didn't buy his book. But it's not too late to help him win some creature comforts in prison. Every copy goes toward the commissary fund! https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend

and the official podcast of 1900 hotdog.com where the final comedy website and these dark times, it's so easy to keep a spark of joy alive on the internet by going to our Patreon. It's patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog, and we'll give that money to the last remaining heroes writing funny articles.

Speaking of internet, I'm Sean Baby from it, and my partner is seven-time pumpmaster runner-up at Lloyd Mike's Roadhouse. He's the great Robert Brockway. That one's on me. Can I be honest? I have not worked on my pump. I think you go too far.

It's a wild pump. It has cost some lives. I am working on it. In the meantime, here's a Rockway fact. Much like character actor David Keith, I too once showed a priest some sweet, sweet pussy. No follow questions. How could there be? Our guest is a hotbed and a man sauce movie. I think I put some of those words in the wrong order. He's a bad movie expert who runs the VHS podcast and sells Marshall's house sauce. He's Dirk Marshall. Welcome back. Thank you for having me back. It's always a pleasure. He's the one always causing mischief while I'm trying to do something super tactical

in a video game. It's true. Oh, really? That's the, I would have assumed the roles would be reversed. No, no, no, no. I'm all business when it comes to murder. And Dirk's like, I think I figured out some really stupid shit we can do over here. Yeah, it's true.

I'm like chasing the shiny thing in the corner and Sean's murdering everybody else. The only game I could play with Sean reliably was Destiny. because you could you could always count on him to like get tripped up on the jumping. And that's, and that would give you time to like get some work in before he showed up. I remember we played Diablo, Diablo 4, whatever the last one was. And I was like, it threw me into a cutscene. I was like, oh, hold on, hold on.

I'll skip this. And I came out and you're like, he's dead. I didn't even see who he was. I skipped the cut scene. So I didn't even see who died. I made a murder. It's true. A lot of my, uh,

gameplay is just using the scope to see Sean kill people. Like, I don't actually get to fire shots. You got to find a game where he has to jump. That's the great equalizer. You did catch me on like my first day back after like 10 years away from Destiny. So yeah, I didn't have the jetpack touch. I didn't get much better. No, you're right. It's it's fair. It's fair criticism. And me and Zach would always be at the end just goofing around, trying out emotes, telling each other like secret truths that only we could only we could hear. Well, were back there just screaming, fuck you, fuck you, what's a jump there?

That's a fair representation, yeah. Let's do plugs before we shame my destiny jump pack skills. And we'll get back to it. Dirk, please plug something. VHS podcast, new seasons going right now. We just, I had both of you and Zach on, and we drafted our own action squads, a very fun episode. That's like the only podcast we should do, I think.

That was fun. Yeah, I agree. It had the perfect amount of preparation. And I was just laughing the entire time. And you're thinking about awesome hunks. So what could go wrong? Yeah, we've got to do another one, those. I'm ready.

I'm always ready. I'm always thinking about awesome hunks. And let me finish. And the order I would put them in. That's a great time for you to do a plug. Plug some hunks. Of course, I am legally obligated to promote my new book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200.

It is out right now, in a bookstore near you and it is good. It's good. That's not me saying that. I had no fucking idea. It was good. I was the last person to know. But it's been out for like two months. We're on our fourth printing. There are over a thousand reviews out there

and it seems to be holding strong at like four and a half stars. I bet you'll like it. Hell yes. So do me a favor. Buy it. Read it. Tell a friend. Leave a review somewhere.

Or come visit me in prison and smuggling cigarettes in your asshole. All of those things are of equal value to me. So it's your call, whatever you're comfortable with doing, but you do have to do one or two of them. One of them is much more fun and the other is a book. Yep. That's up to you.

Equal value. I swear to God. Speaking of reading, I want to give you a look behind the scenes from our work slack. I posted these words. I said, I was thinking the start of a Martin Cove month, with Dirk talking with us about judge and jury first. And then Brockway says, Dirk is going to be so jealous he didn't think of Martin Covemonth.

And then I come back a few minutes later, sweet, Dirk's in, obviously. And then Brockway says, obviously. If he had said no, we would have killed him with a shovel knowing with absolute certainty, that was not Dirk. And that is how I'm telling you, we're doing Martin Cove Month here on the Dog Zone 9,000.

I can't believe it's only one month. We might have to make it a year. I was so excited to get the text. I was like, just the Martin Cove month part, I was like, genius. And then when I saw judge and jury, I was like, did I just win the lottery? This is like, I've never been happier. Like, I'm so excited. Okay, just in case, Martin Cove is the bad guy from karate kid.

Everyone probably knows him from that. And then he's also been in 700 things. Only Dirk has seen. We're talking about 1996's judge and jury. and I there's no way you've seen it. No one has seen it. I'd never even heard of this movie before Dirk told us about it.

It is too broken to be possible. Every moment of this movie is like 15 wrong decisions at once. Yeah, we did this as a meat party, right? Yeah, we watched this with our Discord. And no one had seen it, and everyone was just amazed. It was a real crowd-pleaser. It wasn't experienced that was.

And in our community of broken weirdos. Let's get into it, I guess. It starts weird. Like, the beginning is, the beginning is like bad film school project weird. Like, it's a dreamy montage with symphony music. And David Keith is in black lipstick telling his wild old lady on his hog how much he loves her. And just in case, I'm going to fuck this up a lot.

David Keith is not Keith David, who everybody knows. He might be the opposite. He's a complete, complete opposite. He might be the alternate universe opposite. it. God, let's see. How do you explain David Keith? He was the evil slugger in Major League 2. He was in behind enemy lines, fire starter. He was in an Elvis movie. Yeah, he was Heartbreak Hotel, I think that was. And then he was Daredevil's dad in the Ben Affleck Daredevil movie. You've seen him. You know who he is. He is not the black guy from

they live and Rick and Morty and every other thing. David Keith, it's just fucking strange. It's all this is like mixed in with religious iconography and like a convenience store murder. And you're like, why are. Yeah, and then the credits. It's like 12 minutes long. It's so long. And it makes no sense. No.

There's two people I just want to shout out up front because I know that we probably aren't going to go through all the credits of everyone involved. But the editor, Amanda Karpal, she co-wrote this and she did a lot of new image stuff. And it's part of the best comedic aspects of the film. is how she cuts back to things that you forgot were happening. Yes. And they're still happening. And the other person is Patty Malkin, who's the costume designer, and we'll get to why. But they worked on Red State, Bulletproof, Into the Storm, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but also judge and jury.

Yes. Okay. The editor in particular, I would like to talk about right up front. Please. Because this scene is edited insanely. It's crazy. It could have been a very normal scene of this. this loving couple and they've just gotten married.

David Keith is on the hog up front and his old lady's riding on back and they're just talking about how how in love they are. And the woman that plays his bride, I forget her name in the movie, she is just, she's doing a thing that like kind of subpar actors will do, which is when you tell them like, you're really excited, you're really happy, they just scream. They just start screaming? Yes. But she just keeps screaming the entire time and every time they cut back to her, she's screaming again.

So it looks like she's screaming nonstop on the motorcycle. Yeah. And like, I think it might not be her fault. Because I think as you watch the movie and they, they, you see the insane editing decisions. You're like, okay, so she probably thought they were going to use one or two takes of her screaming. Sure. And then the editor is like, I'm going to use all. Yes.

And with the way they cut it, it'll cut from one scream to another and imply a passage of time that included only screen. Yes. And it's. That it seems like she's screaming on this motorcycle. nonstop for like six city blocks. Like if you were standing on the street, you would just hear, yeah.

It's the best. So yes, she's chanting about how they're going to have a little baby. It is a beautiful love story of these two murderers. And then it cuts to him on death row and he's refusing a priest because he's that evil. And they're like, fuck you, you get a priest.

And the priest is like real nervous. And they get close up of his dripping ear sweat. Because everything in this movement, movie is insane. And he tells the priest, I have a clip. Let's see. Wait, yeah, here it is. You've never had any pussy, have you, father? Oh, father who art in heaven, hell be thy name. Any sweet, sweet pussy. I keep come, thy will be done on earth. I used to live for it.

Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our trespassers. This was better. Can you imagine anything? better than pussy father. It is not into temptation. I found it. But deliver us. I found her.

What's mad? Haven't you ever seen two people in love? From evil. And then this mother took her from me. You must have faith. God is powerful. Okay. Weird, right?

I thought you're just going to put the movie. Yeah, the whole fucking movie, right. See, I like it because he really thinks he's on to something. He's like, you know, it's better than sex priest. Sex is someone you like. I figured that out, father, me. Like, I invented it and I'm taking it to my grave. You can't say what's better than pussy.

Like the woman I'm in love with. But, I mean, it's kind of, that's the same category in it. It's an insane speech, but here's my theory for almost everything he says in this movie. They were, they was really meant for Keith David. Imagine Keith David saying that exact same speech. And you would be like a million percent on board. You'd be like, I fucking love this guy. Yeah.

I think it might have just been a typo in the call sheet. It's also a speech they used two more times later on in the film. Yeah, it might be the theme of the movie. It's crazy. The movie thinks it's the theme of the movie. Okay, so he's getting the electric chair after five years on death row. And he's been vowing revenge the whole time on Martin Cove, who shot his is wife, the one who's better than pussy.

You kind of have to piece that together, though. I might not have known that the first time I watched the movie because it's all told in like disjointed flashback to stuff we haven't seen yet. And this whole scene, the execution scene, is intercut with teenagers playing bad football and you don't understand why. And the credits are still happening. Yes. And the credits are still happening.

It cuts back and there's a kind of a funny moment where Martin Cove did get shot during this robbery and he and David Keith is like you're going to wish you never met me and then Martin Cove who's like bleeding out and just killed his wife goes I already do so they're just both these guys talk like that just they're just gruffing back and forth the whole time um and I just want to say it's worth mentioning Martin Cove is an insane choice for protagonist because he has like resting dog strangler face he is a plainly obvious dickhead. In fact, I have this. There's a famous story Bill Hader tells when he first got to Hollywood.

Do you guys know this story? Mm-hmm. Okay. This was on Mark Maren's podcast a while ago. I'll just play it. It's really good. One of the first jobs I had actually was driving around Marty Cove. He was best known as the evil sensei from Karate Kid, the guy who says sweep the leg.

Yeah. I drove him around and he... This is Hollywood, man. This is Hollywood. So I'm driving around my shitty car. Yeah. And he got me lost on purpose. because he didn't know the, he hadn't read the script yet.

Yeah. So he was like, nah, no, yeah, you don't take this. Take Havenhurst. We get on the 4-5-4. And I have like a Thomas guide on my lap. I think I was supposed to go here, you know. And then he got me lost. And the first AD, my boss screamed at me.

And it was a terrible day. And then on the way back, he was, we're driving. It's like at night. We're driving down the freeway. And he goes, hey, Bill, are you mad at me? No, I'm not. And he goes, you want to? you want a milkshake?

I'm like, what are you talking about? You want a cookie? You want a milkshake? I'm like, it's the guy from Cruddy Kid. I go, no. It's like my first holiday experience. So he goes, there's a McDonald's right up here. Pull over. We'll get your cookie.

We'll get your milkshake. Everything will be all right. And I go, okay. So I pull over McDonald's. He goes, what kind of milkshake you want? And I go, chocolate. Yeah, he goes, chocolate milkshake, cookie.

I'll be right back. I'm so sorry. He leaves. He comes back out, eating the chocolate-chipped cookie and drinking the milkshake. And then he just sits in the back and he goes, come on, let's go, go. No, no.

It was the biggest fuck you. I was like, whoa. It was a weird mind fuck of like, I'm going to get you this thing and then he ate it in front me. And I just drove home and silence. Really? So that's, that's Martin Cove. He's exactly the villain of his own life.

I saw recently someone at a film festival asked him about this and he laughs and claims he doesn't remember it, but he has clearly been asked about this a lot. So I don't know if he's lying. He has that face so it's hard to tell if he's furious at the guy who asked him or about to kill the guy who asked him. But it's definitely not a third thing. He is. Just a fucking boiling menace at all times. There's a line later on that Kelly Perrine says to him that I swear was improvisation because it is so true to how Martin Cove looks.

Are you talking about the Frankenstein one? Yes, of course. Oh, fuck yes. Well, before that, they're about to execute him. they say, you have any final words? And he goes, I'll be with you shortly. So he, like, knows he's going to come back from the grave somehow. Yeah. David Keith. Yes, David Keith. Probably also applies to Martin Cove, to be real. Yeah. Like the actual guy, Martin Cove. Not on this. Of course. He already has his grave picked out, and it says, I'll be right back

on the grave. Yeah. You want a milkshake Billy? So he's, the electric room, he's like sizzling. And while he's like sizzling, we see Martin Cove coaching football, but then we find out he's not. He's just like a fucking busybody dad in the bleachers while they're like running a scrimmage. It's not even a real game. And he's like fucking screaming at the coach and his son who's the quarterback. So he's too intense. Complete asshole.

Like they're making sure you do not root for their hero. Right. But I will give it like I was, as I was seeing this, I was like, as I was like, Like, that's not great for an action movie when they're like, hey, this guy's a fucking dickhead. Don't root for him. But the other, like, the option for why that scene is there is that that's setting up his character arc. And it is. Yes.

It's setting up his character arc for the movie. So it's important that he's an overbearing, like, football dad out here, like, screaming at the, screaming at the ref, screaming at the coach, screaming at his kid, screaming at his wife. That's just everybody in his life. To his credit, his kid sucks. He takes the hike and then he just stands there and waits to get tackled. There's dad screaming, throw on the football. Throw on the football. So, yeah, he seemed to misunderstand the basic premise of his position.

Literally the only thing he could have done was throw the football. And nobody likes him. Nobody likes Martin Cove in this movie, ever. Yes, it's worth mentioning that he's such a dick here. His wife divorces him on the spot. I have a clip. He's got 13 men in the field again. This coach doesn't know anything.

I'm leaving. He just coaches. kids. The way he coaches these kids, he doesn't have a clue in what's going on here. Boy, lucky we don't have a ref here. I'm leaving Michael. What do you leaving now for? Games not over. We can still beat these guys. Set. Go.

No, Michael. I'm leaving you. Okay. By the way, I didn't want it just to be all clips, but he ignores this completely and, like, charges the field because the fucking kid got tackled again. And then he punches his wife in the face. Yes. They start shoving each other. And he recoils and hits his wife down.

And every kid just looks at him. He did this in front of two football teams and his son. They all just kind of look at him sad. And he kind of realizes he went too far. But he's still pretty mad about them taking the Senate. He's more concerned about the kid getting taken out of the game. Yeah. He gets told not to come home.

in front of every single person there. In front of, yes, it's incredible. So our hero's a dick, divorced, emotional and stable. The only thing we've seen him do so far is shoot a woman and punch a woman. Hold on, that's not fair. He was on the way to punch his kid. Okay, okay. You're right.

So the coach is like, fuck off. So now, David Keith in broad daylight. walks up to his son and pats him on the shoulder. And before he was kind of dressed like a biker, but now he's wearing a full fur coat and a Panama hat. He looks like a Halloween pun costume you can't figure out. You'd see him and be like, are you pimp as in Teddy Roosevelt? Because if you are, fuck you for that.

Kind of a turn of the century popcorn mascot. You don't remember? Yes. Yeah, he's a popcorn mascot. That's perfect. It makes no sense to introduce this. I love it so much. I stood up the first time I saw it.

I stood up from the couch and was like, what is happening? It feels like a mistake because it's broad daylight. That's how they reveal the ghost. That's how they revealed. This guy came back from the dead. He's gone in two seconds. No viewers should be expected to know this is the revenge ghost.

Hold on. He teleports away in a field of electricity because now he's got a electricity power. Which only happens once. He doesn't pop in and out of the movie that way. No. It's implied he does teleport, but they don't show, they only have the budget for one Raiden transportation. It's so good. Yeah, normally he kind of teleports like a Jason. Like he's there, you know, like, I don't know how he got there that fast. But like, he very clearly vanishes like Raiden here. So that night, Martin Cove calls his ex-wife, who's like said, never call me again, leave me alone. And he's not trying to get back together. He's complaining about how the kid plays

football. He's continuing the same argument. Well, then he also specifies that he's only so mad at the kid because he's got the most amazing talent of his generation. And we've seen, the only thing we've seen the kid do is not that, specifically not show that. A hundred percent just get tackled. He knows he's being hunted by a murder spirit. He's seeing David Keith and he tells the wife. In addition to me being an emotional wreck, I am seeing ghosts. And she's so fucking tired of it. She just hangs up on him. Yeah, she's just immediately like, God, I'm so glad I divorced him. It's so good. It's so great. The kid hears the whole thing. I think I should have mentioned this, that Martin Cove was a professional football player back in the day. And so he's got an autographed

poster of his dad on his wall. And he's so annoyed by him that he tears it off. He tears it off the wall. Yeah, you shouldn't have a poster. Your dad on your wall is a teenage boy. Like, I don't think that's a normal thing to do. I love that it's autograph. The autograph is weird for me too. Yeah. Got it signed by my dad.

I had to pay for it. I had to pay $200 for it. Best wishes. What's your name again, kid? Martin Cove takes a shower. We see a flashback of all the stuff we've seen. Most of it was already flashback. And his shower door shatters.

And it's David Keith. Only now he's dressed in like, 40% of an Elvis costume. It's like Gold Lamee, he's kind of doing an Elvis voice. Sort of the afterlife's Don King, like a white hell Don King. He's got mirrored lapels and leather pants and eyeliner and black lipstick, which goes against the Elvis thing that he's got going on. And I will argue if you shatter the shower door and somebody is showering and you're in the same bathroom,

technically you're showering together. That's true. That is very true. He is in the shower with him. And this costume... He's taking a shower with a ghost. It does not appear again. This costume was put together for two seconds of film.

It turns out that was just a hallucination. And he wakes up in a chair later. And you're like, okay, cool. It was just a dreamer or something. But no, David Keith is there in the room getting electrocuted. Only now he's got like hot topic nuclear red hair and matching goatee. And he's just goofing. He's just pretending it electrocuted.

And Martin Cove is in full blue and white striped pajamas mat. Yeah, like Scrooge. Like, Scrooge pajamas. David Keats's like, fool you, Mikey. Okay. They have a discussion. Martin Coe's finally kind of realizing, okay, this is a ghost. I'm not going crazy.

It's an actual ghost. He threatens to kick the ghost's ass, and it just does not go well. You can't beat up a ghost with punches. So the ghost boots him into the closet, wax him with a golf club. And Martin Cove, again, still, just gruffin. So he's like, technique's a bit rusty.

Like you're being beaten to death by a ghost. And he's still like, wisecracking. Also, he doesn't, I don't think care so much if he lives or dies. His life's not in a good place. And the ghost doesn't care.

He says, it's an F-slur game and just kind of wanders the other way. He just tacitly admitting that the hit wasn't very good. He's not like, he didn't shoot back with like, it looks like you're bleeding from it or something.

Like, he was just, Like, yeah, whatever. I'm kind of too cool for golf anyway, I guess. Good point. Good point on how it wasn't a good swing. Anyway, but nobody's heart is in this, is my point. They're like all kind of. And he throws Martin Cove out of the second story window.

A lot of the things I wrote down here don't make sense. And I made a note that they're not going to, but he counts from 18 to 20. Yeah. And then leaps down. He has hell dogs now. Right. And he is. Why does he have dogs?

What are the, hold on. Did the dogs also die of electrocution hoping to avenge their lost lobes? Like, what are the rules to the dogs? Were the dogs in the gas station when the wife was shot? Yeah, what? Martin Coates killing dogs now? You killed my wife and both of my dogs who were in little tiny, adorable sidecars on our motorcycle that were just out of frame. And look, I don't think it's hyperbole to say it's the worst chasing that's ever.

been made. It is what you would make if you were competing in a worst J.C. never made contest. Martin Cove gets to a hill and he can't get up the hill. There's like a weird slow choir singing. The dogs never get any closer. They keep cutting to the dogs jogging through the woods, but they do not ever get closer to Martin Cove. Weird slow choir. It's the exact theme to Beetlejuice, man. They're playing the Beatles Juice theme. Just playing Beetlejuice. They're just near somebody's house while they're watching Beetlejuice real loud. I think so. It's about as unsuspensful as a thing can be. One guy hates life.

The other guy's already dead. Everyone's moving at literally zero miles an hour. And David Keith finally pulls out a shotgun. God, the movie sounds crazy when you try to explain it. It's an exploding shotgun. So every shot's an explosion. Yes. So they wanted, very clearly, like as soon as he pulls that out, you realize, oh, they wanted this to be Martin

Cove versus Ghost Rider. Or Johnny Blaze, I guess. Right. Like he's got the motorcycle, he's got the outfit, he's got the Hellfire shotgun. He's literally a ghost of vengeance. It's true. Yeah. I think this is technically part of the MCU.

They did accidentally make GhostRoeh. I think if you just do the coolest shit possible, you'll eventually land on Ghost Rider. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's just how it works. I independently drew Ghost Rider like six times on my binder without, and then being like, only after the fact going, ah, fuck, that's another ghost writer. Keep doing ghostwriter. Yeah, so he's just outrunning explosion.

He crawls over some train tracks just in time to not get hit. And so that's how he gets that away from the dogs. Like just full movie trope like, oh, I got across the train tracks before my pursuers did. But they're ghost dogs. They're teleporting ghost dogs. I fucking dare anyone to make sense of it. I just really wish just one time one of these movies when they do that scene, oh, I'm running away. Oh, my God, there's an oncoming train.

And then you leap right in front of it. And now you're cut off because. think they can't, they gotta wait for the train to pass. Like sometimes, a lot of times, it's a really short train. It's just a few cars. It's like a few cars. I would, somebody's got to, somebody's got to use that gag. Yeah.

It would have been really funny here because he sits there and he just looks back at the dogs, like through the passing cars. It's like, wow, woof, that was close. Like long enough for the train to pass than them to just mull him to death. So now Martin Cove is wet and bloody in his scrooge pajamas. and he's just trying to steal cars. He's just trying to open up cars and look for one with keys, finds one on the second try.

It's a taxi and the owner is in the back seat. I don't think Martin Cove can drive because he has plenty of space to get out of this parking spot and he rams into each car like three times. And then the cabby, Roland, who is now the Rob Schneider, the Judge Dredd of Martin Cove, who is now the comedic sidekick,

says he's still making payments on this. And I just want to say, it is like a 30-year-old, completely rusted out, like real cheap taxi. And this was 1996. So I did buy my first car this same year, 1996. And what I bought was a 1984 Ford Taurus. So about 20 years newer than this, in better shape than this. And I bought it for $700.

So I calculated this. At most, the payments he's making on this car are $8 a month. And Martin Cope is. At least doubling that damage, he drives off after what has to be the worst driving that could be. And then the ghost says, not bad, Mikey, but it was really bad. It was pretty bad. These two now scream at each other for like the next eight minutes or something while they're in the car. It's crazy.

He is in Martin Cove's ear screaming as loud as he can. If they did more than one take, he has permanent ear damage from this scene. Yeah. All Martin Cove's. can do back is just show up, fuck you. It's just really, it sounds like I am not part of this one, you can't

engage in banter with one guy. Like one guy is like trying the banter and Martin Cove's like no. Absolutely not. I feel like the tone they were going for was like a 48 hours type of thing. Like let's be funny, but like it's way

too mean spirited. Like he's like, I got a gun back here and he's like, oh, fucking care, go get gun. I don't kill me. I have nothing to live for. I hate all of this. And he's like, what does he scream? He goes, I get the gun and bang,

white boy, your ass is shit. I took a clip because I didn't think anyone would believe me. What happened you had a man? You better find your gun. I'm going to bite him. And your ass is shit. Yeah,

you better find your gun. Because you're going to need. Oh, fuck you. That high motherfucker is so cheering. It's so good. It's maybe the only line.

that I will say in this movie, Keith David couldn't have done a better job. Agreed. Yeah. Yeah. This is also the part where Kelly Perrine calls him a white Frankenstein-looking motherfucker. I don't know if you have that sample,

but it is so true. It really hurts him. Like you can tell like Martin Cove's like, God damn it, that shit is real. Take it easy, man. We're making a movie. I've heard that from every woman I've ever been with. Who told him that?

Martin Cove says, get that damn thing out of my ass, get your damn ass out of my face. Which another great clip. But yeah, he seems genuinely pissed because this guy is screaming too loud into his ear. Not being a very good scene partner. Anyway, I had the actual quote. He says, this is not how I want to die with some white Frankenstein looking motherfucker.

Brutal honest insult that really shuts down Martin Coe's improv. All the while this is happening, Meeker is exploding things with his shotgun. Yes. He's just popping explosions on their car. It's not like they're driving near the explosions. they are hitting the car. They drive through a construction site and explode into the sky. They land a corkscrew cartwheel flip.

It is inexplicable that they're alive. It's cut away from and back to like four times. And every time they're in a different position, it is hilarious. They do establish, this is important for later. They do establish that that stops him but only for a second. Even after as soon as they land, they're like Martin Cope intrinsically knows. okay we blew that guy up we blew the ghost up

we blew uh david keith up so that's not gonna stick he's coming back he's coming back around we got to keep moving we gotta get out of here and they do they drive away i thought he just rode off i didn't know he i didn't know he got caught in that explosion okay that i think that was the point of that was that he got caught in that explosion but they don't think that killed him

specifically and they both are instantly now the best friends best friends like it's so crazy they go from screaming at each other explosion and then they're like, let's hang out. One of the key jobs of an action hero, and it's kind of an underrated part of being an action hero, is just selling the little moments of like, the little action moments. Like you get, you get thrown through a window or something.

You got to make a convincing noise. You got to like have a convincing reaction to whatever action is going on. That's like why Bruce Willis was so great in like the first die artist. He came out of nowhere and had this like really convincing every man kind of way. And Martin Cove does not have that. No. Like, he was being thrown off of his balcony earlier, and his reaction was, oh, shit. And then right before the taxi ramps off this construction site and explodes, he, I swear to God, he goes, whoa.

Yes. Oops. Yeah, he doesn't care. As crazy as everything is, this is going to sound crazy. The car starts. The car's fine. They drive off in it. And Martin Cove is going to drop him off.

He's like, all right, I'm fighting a ghost. obviously we you know you don't need to be involved i'll drop you off and he goes no i'm having too much fun this is more fun than when he caught his wife with a midget those are his words that's how he describes the amount of fun they're having the time his wife cheated on him with a little person and he saw it yeah that's what he's into doesn't care that his cabs annihilated the one he's still making eight dollar payments on and he's like and then they start talking about his pajamas. He's like, you're in pajamas. And he's like, well, you don't like my pajamas. And he's like, no, no, no. I do. I do like, I sincerely tell them you like this pajamas.

I sincerely do. I love them. They're adorable. They're like Scrooge pajamas. It's, Dirk, you want to try to describe what happens here? Okay. So he's making fun of his pajamas. And then he says, grab that bag and change into these clothes. And it immediately cuts to Michael's son, who's sleeping with his dad's ripped up poster on him as a blanket. Like a little blanket. and then pans over to a framed picture of his dad from a sporting magazine. So he wasn't tearing that poster off the wall to tear it up and throw it in the trash. It was to use it like a blanket. It was cold.

You wanted the father's embrace. I just want to say this isn't like a long film. So what happens when you watch it, like it's all so insane from scene to scene to scene that I started to feel like when you have like take allergy medicine or like dayquil or like day. something like my brain gets this numb feeling from this movie that it's just hard to hard to articulate yeah there's there's no like there's no dead spots where you can catch up and there's like a normal thing between this you're like and then and then he's sleeping with the poster like that's one of the few things that would make a therapist go holy shit genuinely and you think you're ready for this next scene where they go into the bar but like there's no there's nothing to prepare you for

what's about to happen nothing to prepare you so we know it's going to be silly we know that he has that this maniac who lives in his cab has a bag of clothes for Martin Cove. And first we get a scene of the bar. Judo Gene LaBelle is there, of course. If you're in a bar in an awesome movie, Judo Gene is always there. There's a pool game between some, like,

some two guys that are about to have a knife fight. And then Martin Cove comes in. And, okay, it's a fucking nightmare. He's completely bloody. got an evil grin, white slacks, and a gold shirt with a black fur collar. He looks like the mugshot of a vulture arrested for selling blowjobs in his sewer treatment plant. I'm just reading what it says in my notes.

Brutely accurate. I just wrote down Peggy Bundy. He's dressed exactly like Peggy Bundy? Yeah, he's a Peggy Bundy for sure. This is the outfit the cab driver had in his car. And then he said, he says that he was going to wear it. No, he wasn't. He wasn't going to wear this outfit.

I mean, he's wearing like gold high heels. You were going to wear, I mean, he's a disco pirate. That's what you're into. That's fine. It's crazy we don't talk about this movie like every day as a people. It's like wild judge injury isn't just like something that comes up 10 times a day and everyone's home. I wish it did. The two guys playing pool are now starting their third fight because one of them thinks that the other might know that sparkly maniac who just walked in.

Like there's no sequence of events. that are linked together. One of them's Lockhart. He's going to be a character that will play. In the rest of the film, we're never introduced to him in a way that makes sense. This is the introduction. We don't know they know each other. Don't know anyone's relationship to anyone at any point in this movie.

Just don't know Lockhart. The first time we watched this, I remember you said that Lockhart thinks he's the main character of this movie, or maybe he was and they cut all of his footage. Yes. He absolutely does. He thinks he delivers every line like it's in the trailer for sure. Yep. He's in a different movie.

But he's barely the sidekick. The sidekick is the cabby. Yes. And he's like a tertiary character, but he's like delivering every line like he might be making fun of an action movie. Like he's just real good job, buddy, you better watch your ass. Yeah. It's like somebody's dentist got like the T1. thousand part in the local Terminator 2 theater play.

He's just, he sucks so hard. And he's just this like torpy middle-aged man. Okay. So our taxi driver like ditches all of this conflict and just goes up to the bar and immediately starts hitting on a lady by stroking her hair. We don't see her face. So obviously, it's 1996. A guy's hitting on.

This is going to be a dude in a wig. we're already getting ready for this reveal. However, it is important to note the framing of this in that it shows the Cabby Rowland looking directly into her face the whole time. He can see her. So it's not fair to us, the viewer, because it's like, okay, he can see that this isn't a woman. Like, no, he's looking right at what is obviously

going to be a man in a wig. But anyway, there's a bar fight. They beat up the bar. Nothing quite makes sense. Then things get a little serious. a guy pulls a knife. Somebody gets stabbed in the tummy with a pool cue. Uh, he throws a knife, hits a guy with a shotgun. This goes off. And then the lady at the bar is David Keith in a wig. Yeah, Joseph Meeker's back, baby. It's not just a wig. He's got the high heels. He's got the

fishnets. He's got a big miniskirt. He's got jewelry. He like, yeah, it's fully, it's the full outfit. Yeah. It's an hour of accessories. He, it took him forever to get dressed. That's how fast he can teleport. He teleported out of that. that explosion and just was in the bathroom frantically putting on jewelry. And he was in this bar before they were. Yeah. Yep. So he can teleport and, and he knows, I guess he knows where the guy in the cab that is

with the guy he's hunting, but he has not met where that guy goes to hit on women. Right. And like, I know where, I know where that guy's going. And I'm going to, ooh, baby, I'm going to be the hottest thing he's ever seen. Hell yeah. And it's like, it's crazy when you're looking at one of them, but when there's shots where you can see what Martin Cove and what Joseph Meeker are wearing, it's just, it's too much. It's crazy. I don't know.

It's like you, it's like everyone's creative wrestlers in one scene. And you're like, God, we might have made these guys too silly. I can't take this game seriously. He's now shooting at them with a shotgun, but it's a normal shotgun now. It's not an exploding shotgun. He shoots Jito Jean into the jukebox and plays like this fucking little funky beat. Then he leaves. These notes don't make any sense, but that's what happened.

So this guy, our guy, Lockhart, he says, cop on the edge. And he immediately joins the team. He's like, oh, guys, you're in like a fucking ghost fighting squad? You're doing a ghost hunt thing? I'm in. I have a clip. It's not going to make a lot of sense, but I'm going to play it. I really appreciate it.

You would have found you sooner or later. Together we've least got a shot. You do? Look around, you pal, smell the fucking napalm. This guy just wiped out up the tuna hell. angels for a warm-up. What do you want to do? You want to scurry back into the dark, huh?

You want to find another bar? Get yourself lost in some little hole somewhere. But you forget. They kicked me off the force two years ago. Well, that didn't do fucking gung-ho. Maybe you drank yourself off the force. It's because of this fuck him off the force. Yes.

I shot my own part. Remember? It's so good. You're so conditioned to think like the tough cop, tough former cop who lost it all and turned to drinking. It's like somebody killed his partner and the twist is, it was me on accident. A shabby-home partner. So yes, David Keith did shove him in the way of the bullet. I guess the other cops just didn't believe him.

So they fired him. It occurs to Martin Cove that, yeah, he doesn't care about this cop who never did anything to him. He's like, the ghost doesn't care about you. You didn't do anything. He was at that robbery where the guy's wife died. But like... Yes. But he wasn't the robbery, so they kind of know each other.

Right. But he's... All he really did there was shoot his own partner. So, like, he gave the guy a good laugh, I guess. Like, he shouldn't be mad at him. He's mad at him. David Keith, the bad guy of this movie. It's like, I'm here to get my revenge on you for shooting your own partner in front of me.

It really fucked me up. And I know the audience, the listeners are confused. So are we. If it's the first time watching the movie, you can't piece this together yet. But what happened was Martin Cove was just shopping. And here comes David Keith with his wife. And they start like massacring the convenience store. Martin Cove gets a gun off the, it's not even his gun.

It's just on the floor. And he shoots his wife. And then the cops show up. And one of them is this Lockhart guy who only shoots his own partner. And that's the story. that's this thing we keep flashing back to that got this spirit of vengeance stuck here on earth. So anyway, but Martin Cov now realizes, okay, the ghost doesn't care about you. He only wants to get revenge on me.

So he's going to go out to my wife and kid, or ex-wife and kid now. He's already got them kidnapped. They're in some sort of empty room with a couch. He has one hour to find them before. He scores a touchdown. So now there's like a puzzle element to the fucking ghost vengeance. But I love that that he calls Grace to warn her. and the answering machine is Joseph Meeker.

So after being a woman in the bar, he went to the house and recorded an answering machine message. Yes, it is not a fair fight. This is an unkillable ghost who can do whatever he wants. So they figured out, oh, touchdown. You know what has touchdowns is football fields at high schools. Okay. So the disgraced cop gives a shotgun to the cab driver who is still on board.

He's like, you guys find an invincible ghost? Yes, please. Well, he wants to do, he knows his role, right? He knows the cab driver knows he's the comedy sidekick. And so he's trying to set up the classic bit. We're like, you guys got a gun. I want a fucking gun. And then they just toss him a huge shotgun.

Give me a gun. All right. Yeah. Oops. Like that, you were supposed to do something like give me a tiny gun or get me an unloaded one or say like the reason you can't give me a gun. Nobody, nobody get, you're not supposed to give the, it's not very funny to just give me an actual, like, useful gun. Right.

everything in the movie is just a little bit wrong or a lot wrong, but nothing is right. Somehow Martin Cove gets some Roma clothes. I guess he's stripped one of the dead bikers. Just to remind you, none of them have anything to live for. They all are very, like, depressed, like, death to two people. They're basically, they want to die. Like, they've figured out that Meeker, David Keith, is like, this is, this is God saying, like, hey, I can answer your prayers. Free death.

Just go see this guy. But also he's from Haiti, so he knows that this guy is a revenant, which is like a ghost that hangs out until he gets revenge. He describes it like a burger without the fries. You did that such injustice. How dare you? The cabby Rowland tells them, I know all about revenance because my grandma loved revenants. It was all she talked about. She talked about revenants all the time.

All of their conversations together were about revenants. That's how I know what a revenant is, and this is one of them. And then, yes, the burger and the fries thing. His grandma loves revenues is the backstory. She's a big ghostwriter fan. That's all she'd talk about, and his only way of explaining it is a burger without fries. What? Classic Haitian cuisine.

So what it means is they can't kill him until he kills Martin Cove. And in any other movie, you'd think, like, oh, they're going to do a flatliners thing, right? Like, they're going to have to, like, fake his death or bring him back from something. No, don't you worry about it. Don't even think about it. Martin Cove doesn't. Like, he pieces that together. Like, oh, he's got to kill me then.

And they're like, yeah, and he's like, all right, let's go. They go to the school, and the writing jumps to a whole new level of perfection. I have a clip. You're going to love this. And what the fuck is that? The MTV Music Award? Yeah, for our benefit. Maybe you'll dress as Michael Jackson.

They're going to be better than my Donna Summers? I thought you looked pretty good. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Blushing. Maybe you're dressed as Michael Jackson. I fucking love that guy. Everything he said sounds like he's kidding.

So Martin Cove hears his wife, his wife's voice, and he follows the sound into a kitchen. And nothing weird happens here. This is when the movie went from like, okay, I love this thing to like, this is one of my favorite. things I've ever seen. I only want to talk about this for the rest of my life. So this is when I first piece together. I didn't really piece together. And then like it makes sense retrospectively. But David Keith is like the devil's Bugs Bunny. He's just Bugs Bunny this whole movie. Exactly. Every single thing he does for the rest of this movie, he is now transformed into full naughty, mischievous Bugs Bunny style antics. Because now he's in a kit, just because he's in a kitchen,

and he dresses up as a full French chef, complete with mustache, doing the accent, and then makes a bunch of cooking puns. He's not, none of their tragic backstory has to do with chefs. He's just like, fuck it, I'm in a kitchen. Here's the bit. But it's also like, again, mean-spirited, it's got like a darkness to it. And this is going to sound crazy, Brockway, but right here, this is when it occurred to me, he was Bugs Bunny.

So I wrote in my notes, it's like if Bugs Bunny was performed by a death row inmate. And I meant that like as a joke, but it's like a real thing. That's really what this is. Yeah. I typed that my dose before I realized that's literally what this is. Yeah. It's like somebody saw the movie Shocker and was like, this could be a little campier. Yeah.

That's my problem with the movie. It needs more camp. This guy's only like 80% bucks bunny. I want 140. And they're like doing puns back and forth while they're fighting. But I guess to the death. And they both have such a sense of humor that they're like, oh, it is. Did you take the clip?

I do have a clip of this fight, yes. Not the whole thing, but some of the best parts. I'm a vegetarian. I prefer meat. And now perhaps some dessert. I'm on a diet. So fucking stupid. Hold on.

Martin Cove, you're a vegetarian on a diet? A vegetarian on a diet. In 1996, you Martin Cove, the football, the insecure football dad, are a vegetarian on a diet? Yep. I mean, you could say so many. Here's some bullets, Juilliard or something. I don't know. You could say, I'm just saying you could say a lot of things to have about some dessert.

I love the part where he says, you prefer Joseph Flambay and then extinguishes his arm in boiling water, implying. And his name's Joseph, like, that's so weird. Yeah, because he's Joe Meeker. He's like, because he, yeah, he gets shot and he, like, gets lit on fire. But it's obviously all a gag. Like, it's a ghost. We know this doesn't hurt him. And then he puts it out in the hot soup, which I kind of liked that, like, he just adds to the trauma.

And then he says, I see you prefer Joseph Flambay. And you're like, oh, now you ruined it. Okay, so now we see that. One thing I love about that clip is that. that you can really hear how long it takes them but in responses. So it seems like they are struggling genuinely for a response where it's like a good 40 seconds after he's like,

I prefer meat. What does that mean in this context? What's the meat? Martin Coval orange. And then like a minute passes. He's the punch. Shut up. It's just funny to watch them struggle in a movie.

It should be written down. It feels like they were, That was their improv. Like, they didn't have the lines. And so he's like, you know, how about a roast rabbit and tries to burn Michael's face. And then that's when Michael's like half hour later goes, I'm a vegetarian. And you're like, are these non sequiturs or is that his reply? On a diet.

I don't like my body. I don't like the way I look. I don't, I'm a, I'm feeling low energy because I don't get enough protein. I think Donatello's my favorite. So, yeah. I wanted to talk about the taxi driver's adventure here. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so he goes into a bathroom and he is, he's like, I've got to go pee.

And he keeps saying this out loud, like he's trying to tell the ghost that he needs to go pee. And then he tries to shoot his own reflection, but he doesn't, he doesn't have to work a gun, so it doesn't work. That's a whole bit. I swear to God, the way that he's saying, before he goes to the bathroom, he's like, well, I got to take a piss. He opens the door, I've got to pee in here, walks into the toilet, got to pee really bad. Like, he just keeps talking about how he has to pee. I was so sure they're setting us up to be like, he looks down and finds out that that Meeker is the urinal kick or something. Right.

You have fallen into my trap. But no, Meeker is a nerd. Why? Yeah, I don't get it. I don't get it. That's the thing. It's so heightened at this point. He's gone from, like, the lady to the French chef that you're like, okay, the night.

one is going to be a real hit. And it's like, bathroom nerd? He's just a nerd in the bathroom. And like, yeah, except the nerd gives the swirley. He goes, this doll's taken. And then he gives the taxi driver a swirley. And then he's like kind of already dead from being drowned in a toilet. And then he goes, glug glug. Like to make fun of his dead body. And he goes, oh, I almost forgot. And then he shoots him dead. That's it for the taxi driver. That's how he died.

That's the role. That's the end of the role. That's how he died how he lived with with piss in his sinuses. And so the cop on the edge, he's out there. He's stock in the halls. He thinks this is his movie. He has no idea they cut 70 minutes of his story. Whatever.

They just ignore him. Martin Cove's in the gym, the basketball gym. And I don't. Did anyone know why this happened? No, I think he broke the seal with the nerd costume. I think he was like, I can't think of anything good for the bathroom. I have a nerd costume. I'm just going to do with the nerd bit.

And then I think for the rest of the movie, he realized like, I don't have to have anything relevant. I can just do costumes. Because he shows up as a clown. He should have been a fucking basketball player. They're in the basketball gym. He could have been a cheerleader. He could have been a high school mascot. monster. He could have been anything. In Spawn, the clown

dresses up as a cheerleader in the gym. That's the bit. That makes sense. This is a clown and he's going to hang Martin Cove's son on a basketball hoop. And he's pretending the bit he's doing is he's pretending this is the trial for Martin Cove. Yes. He's the judge. Be the judge then. It's a basketball trial presided over by a clown. It does not make sense. Okay, so then he drops him.

He's like hanging from the rope. And fucking Lockhart, Supercop, slides into the room and shoots the fucking rope with his sidearm. And it's just like, what? Is that the movie now? Supercop guy? Hold on. Because I did pay attention to Lockhart's story throughout this.

And Lockhart is, this won't make sense unless you listen to every one of our podcasts. Lockhart is a detective Hank Blood. He is an absolute battle dip shit in this movie. The only thing he does right in the whole movie is shooting this rope. And he, the way he, he shoots the rope and then he looks up like he's supposed to deliver a line here. And he comes up totally blank and says nothing.

And then they cut away from him. Also, all we know about him is that he shot his partner. So it would have been so much better if he had knee slid into the gym and just shot his son. This is the fucking best. Oh, God damn it. I mean, that's totally the rest of this movie. He will have several big moments.

And before this, all of his big moments, he just got his ass beat or did something incredibly stupid. And he will continue to do that. This is one time, he like slid in there and shot. And he was like, okay, that time I was aiming for the kid. I was not ready to shoot that rope. And then just nothing. Like, he could have said, like, I hate a hung jury or something. It's not hard.

I don't know. I blocked that shot. I'm just, I should have written some of these down. Save that rope for me. I don't want to live. Okay, so it's an hour in, and we finally get an explanation of what happened. So, because Martin Cove explains to his son, like, yeah, I shot this lady. That's what all this is about.

And, but again, if this is your first time watching a movie, you did not know what the fuck is happening until this very moment. Yeah, he does admit that he killed the wife, that she didn't have a gun, and that it was an accident because he was. scared and you're like, oh, okay, that's a pretty big revelation. Here's the really big revelation. He says, that was two years ago. I took a bullet to the shoulder and that's what killed my pro football career.

So, first of all, all the people saying he's washed up or talking about two years ago. Two years ago was the wash. He took a bullet to the shoulder and he's out two years. Like, that's only slightly longer than you should be out as like a player. And he was a 54-year-old pro football. quarterback in the 90s? And I would argue that it's kind of weird to talk shit about a guy who takes a bullet in a convenience store robbery.

Like, that's not like someone blowing out their knee in a jet ski accident. That's like a real tragic thing that happened to somebody. You don't like make fun of. Oh, Mr. Big Guy got shot by the murderer. Also, the whole time he's telling the story to his son in this locker room, he's slowly touching his son's shoulder with different fingers of his hand. It's the weirdest acting choice. And I like, how could you even pay attention to what he's saying?

It's so creepy. I've seen this movie three times. I don't know what he's saying here because he is pawing at this child actor in so many unexplainable ways. Like he's, there is a sexual energy to it. I don't disagree. But it's mostly like he's never shown human affection before. So Martin, there's like, Martin Cove, you love your son.

He's like, got it. So just tickle him with my fingers. Yeah, well, think about every other role he's had where he's like, you're, he's the villain. he's showing creepy affection to like the love interest of the movie, right, that he is just kidnapped. That's all he knows. So when it's time to plow at your son. The threatening face caresses of a loving father.

Yeah. He's giving him the villainous caresses of like a freshly, a fresh kidnapping. Yeah. Like in face off. You know, when your family, with your family, you rub, rub their face with your hand. Yeah, a lot of that. Okay. So a janitor interrupts.

And it's just, it's getting weird. It's getting weird. So he's going to give them key. because the school is like locked down, so they need keys. But, I mean, these are grown men. I think a professional football player, there's no lock in a high school. He can't like shoulder bash open, right? But no, they're like, dude, this door's never going to open unless we get the fucking

Resident Evil puzzle keys. That I, the watchman, don't keep on me. Right. So he goes to the special cage where he keeps his stuff. He can't find the keys. The key cage. Everybody, every school has one. Yes.

He hears the ghost. He knows there's a ghost here. So he gets a wrench to kill the ghost. but he's now locked inside the cage that goes to some jumper cables blah blah blah he gets electrocuted we barely met this dude and he gets

fucking fried in front of our eyes no one liner he just gets killed no one yeah weird weird yeah everybody's together now the son Martin Cove and the cop on the edge and this place is locked up tight on the drum we need those keys and while he says that the meeker shows up he who's still a clown

and he's like I got the key he's, y'hoo, and just starts shooting at them with a shotgun in a hallway. There's no cover. So I guess he's missed them on purpose. Six times. He shoots them six times. And remember, it's an exploding hellfire shotgun. It's like shooting a mortar down a high school hallway with no cover, not even like the entire

high school. They're like a third of the way down a high school hallway, misses them with every single shot. He's just fucking around. He starts doing backhand springs down the hall after them, which gives them plenty of time. to go into the science room. And Martin Coe's like, oh, I remember science class. Let's rig all these fucking Munson burners to explode to school.

And then it cuts back to him in the hallway and he's still doing the handsprings. Yes. So it genuinely does. He's like, he starts doing the handsprings because he's like, clown. That's a clown thing to do. And then five minutes later, he's like, wow, this is, this takes a long time, doesn't it? But I can't stop. Nobody stops during this bit.

Nobody does like six handsprings. and is like, that's enough. I'm going to walk the rest of the way. That's so good. So cop on the edge, they climb out the window, cop on the edge goes back because he forgot his gun. So now he has to have a fist fight with the clown ghost. My gun.

Fucking Detective Hank blood up in here goes, it's almost out the window and goes, oh shit, my gun. I mean, this is where the script really shines in this whole section here. I agree. Or the opposite. I had, this shit is off the rails in my notes. But so Martin and his son,

leave them for debt. They're, they're jumped down. They're running for the football equipment because Martin Cove has a plan. Dirk, do you want to try to describe this? Because yes, I love this part. So they've tumbled out the window and they're going to the football equipment because they got to do something to illustrate this football situation they put in this film. So Meeker starts shooting his explosive hellfire shotgun at them and the son throws the ball to the dad. The dad starts running. They're both starting from the same point in the field. But the dad starts running and then the son throws the ball to the dad. Martin Cove, who sets a football on fire and then throws it through the window, which hits the gas and explodes most of L.A. Yeah, this school is gone. You guys,

you guys are talking about this. Like, you don't understand art. Like, this is, this was all set up, right? It's set up at the start. He's the over-bar. football dad at the start and he's yelling at his son like you have all this potential you can't use it and the son is just so overwhelmed by like this overbearing father that he can't he can't live up to his potential and so when they they set up the science lab to like fill with gas they know at that point what we're going to do is we're going to jump out of the building and run all the way to the end of a football field right and grab the footballs out of there yeah and then we're going to light the football on fire right and then we're going to run all the way back because we can't throw a football that far. Right. Which is a weird... One caveat. They don't run back together.

Martin Cove runs first. So the son runs after him. That's the metaphor. That's the metaphor, right? Because that's how you run a play in football. You have the running back run down. And then the quarterback runs after him, like 20 yards past the line of scrimmage, then throws to the running back who then throws it again.

Just it's classic football play. But it's the son couldn't make the pass in that he got tackled in that first scene because he couldn't make the pass because he panicked. And now Martin Cove was saying, you can make that pass. Let me show you. And so he runs down the field and the sun ready to, like, throw that football in and explode the lab. He throws the football to Martin Cove. Right.

Not to the lab. No. To explode it and prove that he's, he can do the, he has the best arm in the league. He throws it to Martin Cove. And then Martin Cove throws it to prove that he, Martin Cove, has still got it. It's like someone wrote the dumbest scene they could possibly write about like a movie ending. And then someone shot that person's brain out. And then they picked up the pieces.

They're like, God damn it. I don't know how to put this brain back together. And they did their best and this is what they had left. This is like the shattered remains of a very stupid idea. And also the only thing that they know about this ghost so far, they've only really tried one thing. And that's exploding him. and they know it didn't work. And it doesn't.

But yes, he's fine. Lockhart gets thrown out the window into the trash. He's alive so he gets to see the ghost come back. Straight into the trash. He's the tough guy cop. And they're like, you belong in the, you forgot your gun? You forgot your gun, buddy? The school blows up.

You shot your partner and forgot your gun. Let's put you in the trash. Oh, by the way, in case you're where the wife is not there. She is at the movie theater somewhere. So I just want to say this one more time. before we move on from this scene, I love so much that Martin Cove stole his son's character. Yes. That's the perfect football dad thing to do.

It's absolutely the perfect overbearing football dad thing to do. So, yes, I want to just make it clear this was for nothing. Like, they blew up his son's school. We know the rules. If Martin Cove had died, the ghost would leave. They blew up this entire place just to save the life of the fucking worst dick in the country. It cuts to this like vaseline lens as meekers dancing in a white suit with Grace, the mom, and there's candelabras and mannequins. And what's overlaid over top of it?

It's the pussy talk from the beginning of the movie. Yes. I'm telling you, that's the movie thinks that's the theme of the movie is sweet, sweet pussy. The only thing better is love. She wasn't there for that. Like that's a flashback to a thing she has, she doesn't know. This is, it made me laugh so hard the first time I heard. it. And I'm glad we mentioned the editor by name because it's the funniest choice. Also, the slow

dance to the sweet pussy speech is intercut with and sort of supposed to be like a lynchian metaphor for ghost rape because it's intercut with like with the wife screaming and moaning no and like all of her clothes flying off again, Bugs Bunny style. There's no weather. It was for this movie it was tastefully done. But yeah, it didn't have to happen. They could have said like, they could have done anything else, but they, they didn't. So anyway, Martin Cove and the cop on the edge going to the theater, they leave the kid outside because they know the ghost isn't dead. They blew up to school for nothing. They know it. They're now, the cop on the edge, Lockhart, he's still kind of wrapping his head around this guy being a ghost. They're like, hey, we blew that guy up. This has been a fun night.

Martin Cove's like, no, dumb shit. It is a ghost. And this surprised me because I thought he knew. I genuinely thought he was, I thought this had been explained to him already. There's a little bit of small talk in here when they first, we learned this is a theater, like an old-timey Abraham Lincoln style theater that David Keith has taken Martin Cove's wife to. So they come into the theater and like, I guess doing a little bit of like establishing small talk, Martin Cove asks Lockhart, he says, anything you would have. had done different about that night. And Lockhart says, yeah, wouldn't have shot my partner.

What did you think he was going to say? Nope. And we have Martin Cove goes, I would have shopped somewhere else. I would have got my grocery somewhere else. So he knows he's supposed to say something cute. And the other guy's like just, yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't have executed my dear friend. I wouldn't have done that thing where I killed my friend, probably.

I mean, if we're just like spitpolling. So they, so David Keith's in a white suit. And he's like doing out like, hey, welcome to the show, blah, blah, blah. It's not for him. Actual vaudeville. Yeah, doing some actual vaudeville. And they both pull out their guns. But they decide, no, no, no, no, we're way at the back of this theater.

We'll never hit him with a gun from this far away. If only we had a football. Genius writing, because that's how guns work. They leave, the ghost leaves. It's very confusing. They're in the hallway of this old theater. There's some laser sensors that log Martin Cove and a steel. cage.

Also, the hell dogs come back for this. Yeah, but Martin Cove kind of hands a mannequin to one of the dogs. And like, that works. It's weird. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Cop and the edge just gets bonked unconscious. He doesn't, he made that one shot and he was not ready.

He was not ready to shoot the rope off of that kid that was hanging. He was like, holy shit. Did you guys see that? I did not think that was going to. work. I should go home. I am not going to beat that. I'm not topping that in this movie. The kid also enters the theater after they told him not to. And then in this next scene, he's just flipping through a photo album of... Yes. The ghost made a scrapbook. He made a scrapbook in hell. They have scrapbooking in hell? He's like, your dad not only killed my bride,

but she was pregnant. And his son's just like so sad. And they do a kind of... Like, there's two sides to everything speech, but it's maybe the weakest that you'll ever hear. It's, he's like, hey, you're a murderer. And the guy's like, murdered. I never killed anybody unless I, like, had to. Like, this lady that was screaming. Like, no, no, no, no. There's no nuance.

That's just murder. Oh, it's so stupid. It's so fucking stupid. And then they recreate the scene that they've been showing us in broken and blurry flashbacks. his wife is being forced to reenact the part of David Keith's wife and they have like some mannequins set up for like the cashier and the customers so hold on the whole thing is on stage on the theater yes and it's it's all put together like the set of a clumsy high school play like it's all it's all cardboard shelves and like

little cutouts of paper that look like bottles right so either either his powers whether his hell powers can conjure to up like a clumsy high school playset, or he made it all out of construction paper and blue. Yes. They're both great. I love both options. The situation is hopeless. Like nothing can kill the ghost.

They all have to just go along with this grim tableau. Cop on the edge shows up. He thinks his back is broken. He's just like fussing. He's like, oh, God damn it. And then him and Martin Cove are like, well, let's fucking play along with this part. like they're having so much fun. I guess they figure they'll just figure it out.

Like they don't have any kind of actual ghost killing plan. They're just like, yeah, let's do the play. Let's see what happens. I've always wanted to be in a play. Lockhart picks up the gun like he's told to and he's going to fucking shoot his partner again. Martin Cove runs out and he's like, no, come on. Come on, shoot me. I don't know what's happening.

I tried to take detailed notes on this, but it doesn't make any sense, but they reveal here something in the flashback that Martin Cove actually shot the mirror of the gas station. Which was showing the wife reflected in it. No, he was trying to kill his wife. He was trying to kill the wife, the unarmed wife. He wanted to, but he didn't.

He killed the mirror and he forgot that. He forgot. Because it's news to him. It's not like, he doesn't like, oh, don't you remember, I only shot the mirror. He's like, oh my God. that's right. Right.

This thing that has haunted me for two years, I didn't actually do it. He didn't really do it. Or he didn't realize it until he saw this recreation on this high school play. So now the ghost is real sad because he's like, oh, that means I shot my wife. Damn it. And he also forgot. Yes, he also forgot. He forgot.

He forgot he shot his wife. They both simply forgot who shot the wife. It's just a misunderstanding. He's like laying down and weeping and Martin Kover's like, you stupid piece of shit, fuck you. Like he's trying to get back that like murder energy and it's just not happening. Okay, Martin Kover approaches him and I did take a clip of his death. It is some of the greatest acting. You're going to love this.

Lesh wound. I thought you didn't do, gung-ho. Don't get dewy-eyed on me, Solano. For a minute there, I felt like a cop. Burkin, you've always been calm. What? No, he wasn't. What the fuck does that mean?

Just glad I didn't shoot my partner again. I think he had more lines and he was just done with being in this movie. Yeah. Yeah. So fucking funny. So then Martin Cove walks over the ghost and he's going to just shoot him in the head, which I guess we'll now kill the ghost because he's sad. And he's like, how do you plead?

So he's doing, he's doing another murder trial thing. and the ghost just kill me. And the kid runs and he's like, no, dad, don't shoot the murder ghost. And the wife's like, no, no, no, don't shoot the murder ghost. They're doing the, you can't kill him because then you're no better than him. But he's a hell revenant and he's already dead. Yes. You can't kill the hell revenant because then you're no better than the hell revenant.

Also, Martin Cove failed at the marriage and at killing a pregnant woman. Like, he's just failed at everything. He can't do anything right. Everybody in this movie has failed nonstop. His poster made a pretty good blanket. So his character arc is that he kind of gets his temper under control because he doesn't shoot him. He says, looks like a hung jury.

You're going to have to do it yourself. I do not fucking know the rules of this movie. That's what that's how, that's what a hung jury means. If the jury can't decide, you have to shoot yourself. They hand you a gun. They're like, sorry. You've got to do it yourself. Sorry.

The votes are tied. A voice says it's. Time to go, Joseph. And I think it's the priest that he talked to about pussy earlier. The last thing he thinks about is, once again, the theme of this movie, which is sweet, sweet pussy. He puts the gun in his mouth and it's all soft music. We see his childhood. They flash back way too far to see footage from his childhood they haven't shown us before.

Just wild, unrelated scenes from the movie. And Martin looks back and slow. Slowly, slowly, the chamber turns and he shoots out the back of his skull. And then voiceover, he says, I love you, baby. Fucking credits. Bugs Bunny fucking killed himself. I want to thank you, Dirk, for bringing that movie into our life. It is, it never stops surprising you.

I feel like sometimes it's got like some sort of bleach wipe in the film that, like, because I've watched this for the first time like three or four times. Like there's just things that reveal itself when you watch you go, oh my God, I completely forgot that that happened. But yeah, I just, it's such a joy,

it's such a tree. I hope somebody someday puts it out on Blu-ray, and I hope that they include this episode. God, get them together while we still can. I need to hear the commentary on this. Well, that's it.

That's our podcast about Judge and Jerry. That's the start of Martin Cove Month. We're going to do three more of these. least. It might be Martin Cove year. Because if you look at his IMDB, like, there's not a lot of maybes on there. They're all fucking sure things. He made an expendables parody. Did you even know that existed?

No, no, but I have that bookmark now. I was telling Sean when I was looking through before these podcasts, I was looking through to find some good ones. And then it turned out he had 700 credits. And I bookmarked no joke. I bookmarked 30 movies off of that. Some of them are not. They can't be relevant for Martin Cove Month, because he's

He's just in them in like a bit part. Right. Oh, yeah. A lot of bit parts. But even his bit parts are like, that's fucking crazy. That's so crazy. So, Dirk, we would love to have you back to end Martin Cove month whenever that is. So pick a Martin Cove movie.

Let us know so we don't also pick it. But I don't think there's a chance of that because there's too many. Wasn't he in Shoot Fighter? Was he in that? He wasn't Shoot Fighter. Yes. If we do Shoot Fighter, that would be my third time podcasting about Shoot Fighter. And I'm on board.

I'm just really, I'm looking forward to having you back on and ending Martin Cove Month, uh, six months for me. now. Einstein 100 Frank first. Einstein, Hoonter, Frank first! Welcome to the 1-900 Hot Dog Stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight. The insult comic with class Lord Jimathan Jiggles. You, that's quite enough, though I should say, flattery, we'll get you everywhere. Aho, what a supreme audience we have tonight.

I recognize a lot of faces, though they might not. like me saying that oh i see aaron crossden here a peacock in everything but beauty oh uh adrian h i see adrian h here alex nolanberg alpha scientist javo un-andie armando navar autumn armstrong berg oh i see brandon garlock he has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen are never remembered uh ho ho ho Brian Sailor, Brockway famously loves the meat milly, a little too much if you know what I mean. Cyril. Christopher Worthing, I am told pork packing is the most valued profession in America. Tell your mother, I said, thank you for your service.

Oh, I'm so naughty. Common sense, I see Craig Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schell. Popularity is the only insult that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. A Delta Fox Trot. I see Devin the Rogue Supreme here. I see Dusty's red title and Elizabeth Schope. Elliot Watson is said that he can talk brilliantly upon any subject, provided that he knows nothing about it.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Eric Christian Berg is here, fancy shark. Jello, ho. Satan and his hot witches. I see you there. Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham is an excellent man. He has no enemies and none of his friends like him. Oh, oh, I slay. I truly do. A haraka, Harvey Pinguini. Honk! I have here. I want I want Brockway to say Dyke, which I'm allowed to do because this accent might be Dutch or something. You don't know. Jabar Al Aden James Boyd Jared Clack

Jared Mountain Man It's the perfect man Always dull And usually violent Oh Jared Ruiz John Deat John McCabin

John Minkov A lot of John's here tonight You know what I'm saying Josh Quicksall It is said Some cause happiness Wherever they go Others

Whenever they go Eh But no really Go fuck yourself Josh Quicksolve, you know what you did. Joshua Graves. Justin B. Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book.

Give her a few minutes, folks. She'll get it. Ken Paisley. K&M. I see KVH. I see Elaine Haygood here. Lisa. Oh, she seems like a good citizen.

Or a faithful wife. Or something else equally tedious. Oh! M. Jahi Chappelle. Mark Mahoney. Matt Riley, Max Broy, I see Mercenary Sissidman here, Michael Lair, Mickey Lohman, oh Mickey Lohman, such a keen student, always ready to give his betters the full benefits of his inexperience. Ohoo!

Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N. D. Neil Bailey, they say there is no sin, except stupidity, so tell the devil I said, Hello! Oh, fuck you, Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer, Naku-104, Nick Levino, obsolete. Ogiwan Supreme is like the best art. All style, unpolluted by sincerity.

Uh-ho. I'm told One Ball Inn has been received in all the great houses. Or once. I kid. I actually like One Ball Inn. Henri Weevil, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst. I see Peewey's uncle here with Rebrandrew and Red Wine Time. Riann, hello Rihanna. Russell Bauman, oh, Russell Bauman, everybody.

You seem, Russell, you seem the kind of person who's brilliant at breakfast. No, don't get that one? Go team up with Katie Faville. Maybe you two can figure yours out together. Sam Coppnik, Sarkovsky. Sean Chase, Seed. Space Jam fan, I may not agree with you, but I shall defend to the death. You're right to be a dipshit.

Spotty reception, super not, Tateus Tays, Tad H. Thomas, Thomas is such a good friend, he will always stab you in the front air. Thomas Cavatzos, Timmy Leahy, Toasty Gun. I see Tommy G here. Velo. Velo is the kind of person who deprives one of solitude without providing one with company. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that one was bad. Victor Malavankan, Booster, Whalen Russell. I see a Von Klappam here.

Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language. As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm. And as a weener, he is everything but plump. Oh, ha, ha, ho! I kid, of course. Thank you, thank you all.

I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths calls wrinkled. Oh, no, but seriously, folks, truth is everything. Stay true. One must always strive to be true to what they are, even if what they are is a nasty little cunt. Oh! Oh! Oh!