The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 272, Hard Time on Planet Earth with Zak Koontz

Episode Date: April 8, 2026

Brockway and Seanbaby invite Zak Koonce to a strange planet called Earth, land of the meat tubes. We're talking about Martin Kove's fish-out-water alien TV series, specifically the episode where he becomes a hot dog themed amateur wrestler to save criminal children. It's Martin Kove, it wasn't going to be normal. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert is going to jail because you didn't buy his book. But it's not too late to help him win some creature comforts in prison. Every copy goes toward the commissary fund! https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend

To the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog, America's Final Comedy website. I'm a beautiful man with a villain's weapon, both hunk and heel. I'll switch sides mid-fight and hope you don't notice. I'm bull-whipin Robert Brockway. And with me is my tag team partner. They say no man is an island, but that's because they haven't met the human island. It's Sean, baby! I'm here to cove, and I'm here to cove.

And our guest, he's a black man with a hammer. We're going to call him John Henry. Whoops. Whoops. Uh-oh. I don't think you're allowed to do that. I'm sorry, Zach Koontz. No, no.

Thank you for giving me Tiny Zeus Lister. I was kind of, I had my fingers crossed on that one. You got to hope that makes up for it. Yeah. I'm bald and brown enough, I think, where I'm the, I'm overqualified to be referenced to Tiny Zeus Lister. I'm glad I got the big Polynesian guy. Yeah, you've got the, the man island.

I looked him up. His name's Tao Logo. The guy we're talking about. I didn't recognize him from wrestling, but it's a tough Google. Yeah. Because there's things that are names Tau have logos. Yeah, it's also a Warhammer faction. Somebody had a screenshot of it.

It's not that way now. Somebody went in and fixed it, but somebody did a screenshot of his I&B page. They're like, what is going on here? And it was his IMDB profile picture was the Warhammer faction logo, so Tau logo. And that was just the Google just did a match, I guess. It was him. Man, that's a brutal, like, for Warhammer to take your name.

Like, you're never going to win that result. There's going to be nerds for until the heat death of the universe, like, filling forum posts with your name. You'll never. That's just, like, eating your memory from society. I follow, I don't follow Warhammer enough to know this for a fact, but I think there's probably a faction name. after every person on the planet right now.

Yeah, probably. They're coming for the Robert Brockways and the Zach Coonses. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You just got to hope that you get one of the fun ones and not like the fascist ones. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So before we get started, let's do some plugs.

Zach, where can people find more from you? Oh, I'm still a YouTube man. Even though I'm slow as shit, you know, it's, that's been our way for the last 13 years. We put way too much effort into things that probably don't need it. So I'm still keeping that tradition alive. You can find me over at Zach's Planet of Garbage on YouTube. I make fun things. That's the best way to describe one.

And I'm still over on aral knots, too. Arlnots at YouTube. Oh, that's how you say it? Arl, arl nuts. Oral nuts. Oral nuts. That's what it is. Suck on these nuts.

Mr. YouTube. Every time it's funny, every single time. Every single time. People write in and they say, we love the hominem bits you do. Yeah. It's glad. If we didn't deliver, it's, yeah, it's, we'd be letting the people down. Even though the channel, we have broken up as, as collaborators, it's still, the joke has to stay alive. Sean, how about you? What can we find more of Sean? Is there a place?

There is a place. Go to 1,900 hotdog.com. I also put way too much work into stuff, but I'm fast. So we got daily articles from an all-star cast of the final comedy writers on the internet. You can support us on patreon.com slash 1,900 hotdog. Yeah, they're the last ones. Yeah, or just let all internet comedy die. That's your choices now. All right, that felt combative. I'm slow because I'm not just writing words, all right?

I'm doing sound design, voices, goddamn music production, all right? Let's just put, for the record. Sounds like a chumps game. You just write stuff down. Yeah. I don't just do words, all right? I do word stuff. I do hand stuff.

No, it's a good point. You're right. I was combative. Like I said, I was playing Division 2 earlier. which is fucking grouchy as fuck. My stupid guy sticks to every wall. You got to use the walls. That's a good thing.

You got to use the walls of your lifeline. It's a good thing you stick to the walls. Well, if a guy with the flamethrowers come, it's like, okay, time to go to a different wall. And then my guy's like, no, I really like this wall. Ooh, this little box looks nice. Oh, what's this railing? Let's just stop here forever and die in a fire. Now, from what I understand of your audience, they love this kind of stuff.

Oh, they love this stuff. Yeah, they always say more, talk more about video games we're not playing. Yeah. Especially old. ones with fascist overtones. I'm supposed to say undertone. No, they're not. They're not. They're not over. Yeah, they got way over. Let's move. In the interest of moving on, I am also legally obligated to promote something.

It's my new book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. It's out right now in a bookstore near you. Probably. Probably. I mean, be cool. Don't, don't tell the owners what I do here. They might kick me out. They will probably kick me out. But like, it looks. like a real book. Go buy it. Go buy it. It's good. Uh, go look at the reviews. It's an objectively good book. I no longer, if it seems like I'm kind of lost in these plugs, it's because I don't need to threaten you into buying it anymore. And like, I mean, end of an era. That was my thing, right? It's, it feels weird. It feels weird without direct, actionable threats. Uh, I'll kill you. Uh, it just reads hollow.

Yeah, a little bit. Post-compromat now? Because that was like the big part of the lead-up. I guess maybe it worked. I feel like I've got, because I've got some good compromise now on you, but I feel like it's now it's outdated. Like it doesn't even matter anymore. Well, now, I mean, that's how promotion works as far as I understand it.

Now that you have good compliment on me, you need to find something to promote using that. Right, right. I mean, it's too bad you use your plug already. Yeah, that's over. You got it next time. Next time, we've got to bring you back on. You can use your compliment.

I mean, it's perfectly fair. It doesn't upset me at all. I guess buy my book. Or don't. I don't give a shit. Other people are. Fuck you. We're all really good at plugging.

Actually, fuck you. Don't buy my book. I'm at jail, and I like it here. Isn't that a solid? Okay, today, today on the podcast, Martin Cove Month continues. I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying at home.

Don't worry. It's just a name. We're not going to exclusively talk about the back catalog of actor and white Frankenstein Martin Cove for an entire month. Don't worry, it will be longer than a month. Quick question. Yes, please.

I did look it up. He's not dead, is he? No, I didn't even look it up. I have no idea. What could kill him? Nothing, apparently, according to this episode. I think he's been, he's either dead or he's been in 12 movies this year. Okay.

It's worth. So he's doing a brilliant. Kind of have to cut another podcast. There's a more coverbent for you. Put it in the copperback pile. There you go. All right. All right. Fair enough. We realized something going through Martin Cove's IMDB. He's been in 800 movies and nearly every one of them is completely insane. Even the ones that he's just in for like two minutes. He's like a cheat code for finding hot dog material. Like I went to scan through his IMDB looking for this, what we're going to talk about today.

And whoops, I wound up with a bookmark folder named Cove. and it has 30 movies in it so far. I didn't even get through the whole thing. Yeah. This is an astonishing one. Like, I don't know how I never knew about this show. It's amazing. It's like a prank.

It's like, it's not real. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, they made this like last week. You'd be like, look what you guys missed out. You thought you knew the 80s. Yeah. Yeah, so we're talking today about one of his only TV roles as a leading man.

Martin Cove didn't get this a lot. It's an hour-long sci-fi comedy, maybe. Comedy-ish. Definitely trying for comedy. Which was rare because they didn't do the hour-long shows that were trying for comedy. It's called Hard Time on Planet Earth. It's from 1989. This is rare. I found something very rare.

It's not super common for a show's Wikipedia page to kind of really upfront take sides about, like, with its wording. And in its own words, the Wikipedia page. for a hard time on planet Earth says, most critics detested the series. I can see their point, but they're definitely wrong. This show is incredible. It is such a distillation

of what made like that time so special. Like the human experience of the 80s is distilled into just the most insane essence in this show. Yeah, from the makers of Predator. From the makers of Predator? It's like the producers or something, right?

It's the writer. a predator. Amazing. Incredible. They're two brothers. They wrote Predator. They did this. Immediately after.

We had two things in us. It was Predator and this. Both equally important stories that like, you know, tell. Both masterpieces in very, very different ways. Yeah. It almost makes me wonder if Predator was supposed to be a comedy. Oh, shit.

He came to Earth, a fish out of water. Just trying to make some friends in the jungle. He's got a little guy on his shoulders. tells them what to do, yeah, yeah. Oh, wait, no, it's a laser. It's a laser on a show. It tells other people what to do. That's right.

That laser does have a personality, though. Yeah. Yeah. It only, there's not a lot of this show. Hard Time on Planet Earth only lasted about 13 episodes. It was a mid-season replacement, and they did not continue it for the full season. You say only 13 episodes, but that is an incredible run for what this is. Yeah, that's one episode longer than a long series today.

Yeah. It's one episode longer than probably your favorite series. series we'll ever get. That's, I think, more than four times the number of Mr. Bean episodes. Yeah, it's enough to make an impact, and this apparently did not, because none of us had ever heard of it. And that's particularly insane, because as I was going through the episodes looking for something to talk about, like, which one's the best? Which one's the best?

One of these episodes is about our favorite hot dog trope, which is the professional wrestling episode. Every show in the 80s had a professional wrestling episode. It always ruled, and it was a complete disaster because they can't. act and they're maniacs. But not only that, it's a professional wrestling episode to save the local rec center. I mean, it's a halfway house in this one. Yeah, they're not breakdancing here.

These are criminal. These are reformed criminals. Yeah. They're like, in the middle of the script, they're like, we're going to save the youth center. And the other writer's like, I guess the writer or predator. The other writer of predator said, what, there's no youth center? And the first one said, dude, I'm pretty sure there's a youth center.

All right. Professional wrestling to save the halfway house for young criminals, young reformed criminals. Turn him into violent entertainers, yeah. And it doesn't even stop there because the theme of Martin Cove's wrestler that he becomes in this episode is that he was a hot dog seller pulled into the ring. Both the name of his wrestling character and this episode is the hot dog man. It's the best.

He's a fish out of water playing a fish out of water in like a second abstraction of reality. It's still fucking great. In a break into electric boogaloo. but instead of breakdancing violence. Yeah. For criminal children. And he, they take it another, they add another layer because he is also an exiled criminal, uh, space warrior on probation. So he's in this halfway house now.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why you're bothering to talk about it. Like it's entirely unnecessary. The penalty or rebellion against the council is termination. But because of your harassment. Work services as a warrior, you were exiled to the primitive planet Earth, there to dwell in human form, until you learn to restrain your hostility. This control unit will monitor.

Hostility? Not good. The sentence is passed. Fuck, yes. Oh, you look at the theme song play out of the music. That's the, it's just, it's just instrumental from there on. That does my favorite thing where every, episode opens with a little bit that just explains the whole premise. And then you jam. And you just fucking jam. They tried to explain the premise of this particular episode.

And so all they did is show all these maniac wrestlers like pumping iron and cracking bullwips. And like doing moves on each other like in a like a colorless void while like there's no sound. It's just instrumental music. No thumps. No grunts. It's it's so fucking weird like all the choices they made. This is like how you'd explain the setup of this episode. They're like an ISIS prisoner. or somebody who, like, doesn't speak English and you're trying to, like, frighten them. They also do, like, multi-panel frames. Like, it's just the same shot triple take with, like, of just hard men getting harder.

Yeah. They could have just said, Martin Cove could have walked in and said, oh, pro wrestling arena. I am here to fuck around here. But instead, they're just like, what if we just showed five minutes of random wrestling shit with no one guy just, like, throwing a tantrum in a locker room? It's just, it's, some of that shit gets weird. It's super weird.

So this takes place at a local a local wrestling arena. What they think a local wrestling arena is very interesting to me because they have four wrestlers. They were able to hire four wrestlers for this show. And they decided that every single match

is those exact same four wrestlers on a tag team against each other every night at this arena. Nothing else. They have wrestlers in residence and four of them. and it's the same lineup every single night. They have more hot dog vendors than they have wrestlers

and they have more wrestlers than they have audience members. It's just a business failure from top to bonus. That sounds like most local wrestling show. So that's how we see Martin Cove. They introduce these four wrestlers, one of which is tiny lister, just with a hammer. They call them John Henry, the steel driving man. like that's his, that's his gimmick.

But you could, I think it's plenty of a gimmick to just say tiny Lister's got a hammer. Uh-oh. Yeah. He just did. Either Noholds Bard already happened or was about to happen. So he, Zeus was like fully baked out of the oven at this point. Yeah. And they have, uh, what was this, what was his name, Sean?

The actual wrestler's name? The Polynesian guy. Oh, Tao Logo. Tao Logo. I have a human island. He's dressed exactly like a Polynesian wrestler. He's like got the pregnant woman yoga pants. pulled high, wild hair, bare feet.

You know what he looks like. They have the bullwip guy, a guy that's kind of a hunk and also a heel is a bullwhip, a bullwhip user. And then just a generic, you know, generic face guy comes out and they all, they all wrestle. He's got kind of like a, you know, like a California Latino thing going on. Yeah. He's just, it's clearly like he's the wrestler that just goes by like a normal name. Yeah.

Yeah. Like I'm never, I'm never going to. remember that. I don't know who that guy is. Regular Steve. I think bowel-wip guy kind of stole the show just because he kept the bullwhip the whole time. You know, they come down with their gimmicks and they put him somewhere. He kept it on the apron and just cracking that shit the whole match.

He rules. And the other thing I love about this is if you, the matches aren't really super front and center. Like they'll start happening and then the show will cut away to Martin Cove talking and doing something else. So the wrestlers were just kind of goofing off. But if you pay attention, I'm pretty sure

several of the wrestlers switch sides on their tag So they'll just, like, Bullwhip guy will be fighting the Polynesian guy, and then they'll be on the same side. You're like, you're not, you didn't give the wrestlers, like, choreography or anything. You're just like getting in there and wrestle. They're just horsing around over there. Probably a new match. They're like, all right, new match, just everybody switched sides. They're the only four guys wrestling in this league, so.

So we do meet Martin Cove with a fleet, a fleet of hot dog sellers, like 12 hot dog sellers, enough to need a manager who is a troubled teenager from this halfway house. And Martin Cove somehow got a job as a hot dog seller for troubled children. I appreciate the brevity. The show is like, just don't even think about it. He's a fucking hot dog man now. Anybody can get this job. And he is, when I say that he, he's doing that fucking, I do not understand your

earthways. Like every goddamn thing anyone says to him is a five minute misunderstanding. They overtuned his fish hot of water. Yeah. Yeah. I've got a clip, of course, to give you the vibe. Yeah, here's Martin Cove as a hot dog man. Problem?

Uh, what's the name? Hot dog. I've had them before. Great. This green substance, it does not taste good with these little tubes of meat. Relish. It's a very big item here. It's free.

Grunt and silence. Yeah. So he has to learn what hot dogs are like, no, dude, you're fired. You, you're not. legally allowed to handle the food, man. No, the kid asks him his name and he says hot dog. Hot dog. Oh, my name's hot dog.

That's not a, that's not a star man. You're not doing a star man. You're doing, you're doing, like, a special star man. You're doing a ride in the bus with my sister, Starman. Based on what they've given us, he's, they probably have to explain, like, what a spoon is to him that he uses to scoop the fucking ingredients. It's like what walking is. Like, he's just, he doesn't know shit. He's like sucking the blood out of half these kids with some sort of.

So like, we've seen his Earth adventures enough that he should, he should at least have a name. Agreed. And he's done. He's been doing this for fucking eight hours of TV. Yeah. He's like still like, come on. I don't know what a name is. Yeah.

His name is Jesse in the show and he does say that later. But like when he, when asked for his name, the first. first, this is the first thing we see in the episode, which remember in the 80s, like, you did not see stuff in order. You just threw it like, I'm going to catch an episode of this show, which is why like, right, they kind of had to be self-contained. So the very first time you see the main character on screen, he's asked his name and he says, hot dog. What the fuck? This guy's name is hot dog? I think it's really efficient. Like, everyone knows he's an alien. Like, it's stupid that

characters in the show don't know he's an alien. Like, oh, oh, I get it. you're doing, you're like doing an alien thing. You're fucking, this is your phantom zone. He's doing a full prisoner here. A full does not compute, computer thing. So Martin Covey goes out to the audience to sell his hot dogs. And it's supposed to be antics. You know, he goes out, he's getting a hot dog prepared for a customer.

He's eating the hot dog himself. The customer's getting mad. He sprays mustard all over the customer. And you're supposed to be like, wow, walka, wak antics here. But then because it's Martin Cove, he leans in and says, the relish is free in the most menacing fucking way. And this guy doesn't fight him because it's Martin Cove. Like this guy's going to fucking kill me.

He has resting murder face. Yeah. He has a primate skull under that skin. You can't have that look. You need a very specific kind of like handsome. You need to look like automan. You need to look like handsome but very harmless. This is a barbarian brother's script.

That's who they wrote this for. This should have been two buff barbarians. He's so anti-antics. It's frustrating. So he sees the wrestling match in the actual ring with two of the wrestlers ganging up on one. So he leaps into the ring and he uses his alien strength. We learn about his alien strength here to just completely destroy the wrestlers.

Like the first thing Tiny Lister does is slap his little hot dog hat off. And that's the only move anybody will get in with the little hot dog slap. and then he just demolishes the mall in a superhuman way. Yeah, he rips apart Zeus's hammer. So I was like, yeah, was it supposed to look that easy? Is it? Did he just, did he break K-Fabe and reveal to the audience that this was a fake hammer?

Did he destroy a real hammer? That's how I took it. And then it seemed like, no, I don't think that they wanted it. I think it's supposed to be super strength. But also, he's here for like to learn how to not do violence. And the first fist fight he sees, he's like, oh, I'm jumping in this shit. Yeah, because he's, he's. He's a war criminal is the premise of this show.

He's a war criminal who was too violent and pointlessly violent. He's like a Che Guevara or something. Like he was doing, it doesn't matter. He was, he was, he was doomed to prison planet Earth with like supposedly less of his strength. This is like his diminished strength. So he's, he's Superman basically with like just a little sliver of kryptonite to keep him in check. Which he's still confused by. He's like, my, this human body's, the nipples never leaked on my old.

form. Yeah, we... We say shit like that all the time. What is this fluid running down the pants of my human legs? For the fourth time today. They take the Starman thing way too far. Like, there's just a, there's a line, and you've made him, like, full, full superpowered murder idiot.

Right. Which, on theory, I get why you cast Martin Cove for that. But there's, like... But there's also like a degree of innocent charm that he absolutely does not have at any point in the show. Starman seemed confused because he was so peaceful and benevolent. He didn't quite understand Earthways. But like Martin Cove's a war criminal. And he came down here, he's like, this fight's not fair.

I'm fucking jumping in there and fixing it. So he like has a sense of like right and wrong and vengeance and fair play. And it's like these are complicated concepts. He can't just be a fucking dipshit. He's kind of a Thor, you know, like the same kind of sentence, but also like a psycho-gorman. Yeah. You don't quite understand the scope of his space war crimes, but it's space. So you kind of imagine they're probably pretty impressive, like Thanos shit, you know.

Definitely. Yeah, he's completely destroyed some star systems. Also, so he beats up these guys and they're like, should we get the cops? And they're like, no, no, no, get them a standard contract. And I looked down at the timestamp. It is nine minutes. It took them nine minutes to get like a very confused alien into the pro wrestling league. I wrote down that almost the exact same thing.

Like, my God, it's only been nine minutes. This is so efficient. So efficient. You got him right in there. So she offers him a job and I think it's this clip. All right. I'll play your cell a game. You want a job?

Yes, I would like to continue selling hot dogs. But I will be careful with the tubes. You mean, get serious. Any of that offering you a job? She's offering you a career. Career? Wrestling. Professional wrestling?

They'll train you, build you up, turn you into a household name. By the way, what is your name? Jesse. Oh, it's too wimpy. From now on, you're the hot dog man. The hot dog man. It took them longer to explain to him he's a wrestler than it did for him to become a wrestler. Yes.

There's a lot to dissect in that clip Chiefly I just like when she asked him his wrestling name and he says Jesse And she's like too wimpy like somewhere Jesse the Body Venture is just single tier It doesn't know why Can't explain it But also like Get Real man she's offering you a lucrative career as like a low level professional wrestler

Right No Not really Like he's probably right that he would would make more money as the hot dog man. This is a dumb point, but it's possible that it was a direct stab at Jesse the body. These are the Predator guys. Maybe he slighted them on set or something like that.

It's worth thinking about. No, they were best friends on that set. I can't entertain anything else. I'm sorry. These guys tried to write a Predator comedy and all these serious macho beefcakes came in and they're like, they're ruining our words. Fuck Jesse. Fuck Arnold.

We didn't want beefcakes. We wanted skinny, sensitive men for this predator story. John Claude Van Dam is the alien. This joke sucks. I'm going to say this stuff will turn into a sexual tyranosaur. No, please don't, Jesse. That's so weird. No, I'm going to say it's going on the movie forever.

And gay slurs, as far as the I can see. Well, yes, it's the 80s. So obviously, we wrote all of those death. Right. I'm keeping the gay slurs. That part's good. There we go. So now he's a wrestler.

Now he's the hot dog man. And we learned that the wrestling lady, the owner of the wrestling league here, is being hassled by a big developer to sell the building. But she can't do that because not only is this a generational professional wrestling arena passed down from father to daughter over time, it also supports the halfway house for criminal children in order to teach them how to run professional wrestling arenas.

The stakes have never been higher. It's real world skills she's pushing. They've never been more 80s. Because they need to learn how to run professional wrestling arenas, even though the point of this episode is that the wrestling arena is in so much trouble, it won't be able to afford to continue to support the halfway house. Enter our failing business, criminal children. So news of all of this is delivered by the owner of the wrestling building,

the building that the wrestling arena is in, not the owner of the wrestling promotion league, whatever. And she is just a terrible flustered actress who was so over, so in over her head during all of this. Martin Cove leaves the arena. He's outside waiting for a bus, and we learn at this point he has a little sidekick named Control. You saw him very briefly in the intro.

And I know I'm playing too many clips, but you have to get a sense of how every single scene with control goes, because there's a lot of them. And control sucks. Good. You are mastering the human transportation system. Yes, I like to ride this vehicle called the bus. But its propulsion system puts many poisons into the air.

Yes, it seems to be a human trait. The inventions that make their lives easier also make their lives shorter. Control, you will note for your report that I've made great progress in my present place of employment. Very good. Yes, I was promoted from a hot dog man to a professional wrestler. What are your new duties? To fight humans. No.

It is wrong to terminate humans. It's competition for enjoyment and entertainment. We don't fight to the death. Then why bother? It's called sport. I will investigate this thing called sport. Just fart, fart, that. Fucking rope predators.

and he thinks they don't have sport in space? Come on. Which is always to the death, I guess. That's just the major difference. Yeah, but he doesn't, he has to understand. He totally understands murder and war, but then he's like, no, no, there's a way of fighting where you don't kill the opponent. Like, our society must learn of this.

I do appreciate how control also understands the finality of violence, even though he's supposed to be like keeping him in check. Right. He's like, no, you can't fight. He's like, these guys don't fight the death. He's like, wait, what? Why would you do it? What other way is there?

What's the fucking point of that? Yeah, even the pussy robot is like, guys, come on. So it's, it's like his comic foil. It's also his alien parole officer that he has to report to. Right. And it's constantly. Yeah, it's a testicle. It's also a floating testicle.

Just a floating testicle. That's, that's in my nose for sure. And it's constantly farting. It's constantly farting and warbling. I would say he's far, far worse with the Starman bullshit. Like he thinks everything is like a sentient robot that he can talk to. So it's silly, like vacuum cleaner. I'd be like, oh, hello, beautiful vacuum cleaner monster.

And then like there'll be five minutes where he's trying to fuck the vacuum cleaner. And then he'll just like misunderstand the noises it's making. I'm also not even sure what happened there because it did seem like he was getting some feedback from the vacuum. He like learned something from it. Like it's like, wait, can he speak to machines? What the fuck is going on here? It's really confusing. So he, control flies off to do a bunch of bits that we will get very sick of where he tries to learn about sports and life by talking to machines.

Meanwhile, back at the wrestling arena, all of the wrestlers storm the owner's office to demand they'd be allowed to kill Martin Cove. That's the demand. This unscripted asshole came in and like handed out real beatdown. Fuck that guy. But she tells him that, no, he's the key to getting them a TV deal, right? Like, that's the whole point of this, is that they're going to get a TV deal so that they can display his amazing strength and abilities. And so they jump into a training montage where Martin Cove is like, oh, I'm going to,

I'm going to take some hits from these wrestlers, but obviously it doesn't really, really affect him, and he displays his crazy alien strength, falls for all of their tricks, becomes an unstoppable wrestling machine in like 90 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. It's 500 pushups, rips up heavy bag to pieces. To pieces. They do a pretty good job of displaying his, like, killing potential.

Yeah. They do a move. It's one of my favorite 80s moves. No one ever does it anymore where a guy's on the apron holding the ropes. And then you go over and you grab the ropes and, like, crank the ropes. And then the other guy's like, oh, no! And he gets pulled into the ring with a front flip because he, like, didn't know to let go while you were pulling on the ropes. And no one does it anymore.

I love it. They do all kinds of 80s moves, so they don't see anymore. Like, later in the show, he does a slingshot, which is when you grab a guy by the ankles when they're on the ground, and then you, like, fall back, and then they jump into the sky for whatever reason. And they do that, and they throw him on to another person,

and then they do a, what do you call it, an airplane spin, where you just spin around. That's a spinning one, right? Okay, I was going to, yeah. Is that the same one where the guy picked him up like a baby, and then he grabbed another man's head with his feet and then rotated both of them? Oh, no, that's a, uh, that's a, that's a, move, right? Yeah, that's the rockabai baby.

The classic, the rockabai. The leg scissors takedown. We're just thinking another very 80s movie. All the, all the moves in this are so fucking like of their time. I love it. And just, I have to take it back a little bit. I just want, I need clarification, but I think the listeners might too. So, the

halfway house and the wrestling promotion are connected. The hot dog manager boy, for sure, is like a former criminal who needs, he's being rehabilitated. Are the wrestlers, too? Is this like a fast track to like society where you got to like no they're current

criminal promotion they're not reformed at all okay but are they convicted criminals that have been sentenced to the halfway house no I think they're just like local scumbag wrestlers okay because the show would have been way more fucked up if she was just like hey listen wrestlers that have to do whatever I say because

your your legal rights depend on it you got to let this alien kick your ass no I think I think they're there their own free will as much as they could have it with a... So as far as the show's concerned, the only person in this halfway house is this kid that she's like... Legal slavering. Yeah, he's a representative. He's the ambassador to all criminal children representing their concerns in this show.

But now Martin Cove knows he knows that he's a perfect wrestler and it's the wrestling is the only way to save the children. So he leaves the arena and he finds... I'm going to use some heavy air quotes here. Thugs beating up a classic 1971 Mustang with baseball bats. I know. It's adorable. Yeah. It's the wimpiest.

It's like they clearly did not have permission to damage this car. So it's filmed from very far away and they're using like what look like foam bats and they're just very gently setting them down on the windshield over and over again to where like when I first saw it, I was like, man, what are they what are those guys doing out there? I had no idea that's what this was supposed to be. It kind of works once you know the twist, but it's, yeah, when you first see it, you're like, this, this is very poor. Just limp-risted low-energy windshield bashing. And the owner, the owner of the building, one that delivered the news to the wrestling lady, she's inside the car passed out.

And you assume like, oh, they beat the shit out of her. No, uh, Martin Cove runs in and saves her. And it cuts to her the next day. and she's just got like a blanket and coffee. She's not hurt at all. And then she explains specifically, those men never meant to hurt me. So were you just black out drunk in your Mustang?

And they came along. Like, why would she? Before she could drive home. She just passed out the parking lot of the wrestling arena. Yeah. Good on her. I like how the show is so stupid that you're like, oh, this is just bad decisions and bad acting.

But no, it's a clue. These types of 80 shows that you guys cover all have, they all have the same problem where they just get, too deep into the twists and the plot contrivances, you're like, none of this needed to happen, but it's, whatever, we're here, we're in it. Well, she explains that this has all been a threat by the developer trying to buy the building. And they decide the whole business, it all relies on Martin Cove now. It all depends on the hot dog man landing them a TV deal, which they don't have in the works.

It's not like there's a TV crew coming already. They're just like, the hot dog man will bring TV somehow. And sure enough, he does. I have a clip of his revelation here. The people are not paying to see the wrestling. Of course not. You are not on television. If the humans can see their games on television,

why do they pay to fill the seats? Perhaps they come for the food. Nevertheless, it works. Let me show you a favorite entry from my video banks, the gorgeous ladies of wrestling. Perfect thing to say in any circumstance. They are very popular. Note, their seats are full.

I must meet these gorgeous ladies of wrestling. I had to leave the part in there. You can hear his voice, but he's definitely experiencing what the humans call an earth erection. Yeah, he's definitely, I must meet these gorgeous ladies of wrestling. It's also good to know that his little buddy is a, is a sex criminal too. He's like, my favorite memory bags. Their seats are full.

Their bosoms are heaving. You will note. So Martin Cove goes to a glow show. He dresses as the hot dog man because it's his plan. Like he's going to use it to get close. He's brought the troubled teen with him, which I don't think he should have done when he knew he was going to commit a crime. And this teen is on parole. I mean, technically, they're both on parole.

So he brings the hot dog costume with him. walks one step into the arena and then just dead charges the ring and leaps inside. Never pretended to sell hot dogs for a second. It had nothing to do with anything. One old man did try to buy hot dogs, but he's, it's kind of sad. He's like gassed himself up so much because these like two people that he works for, like you're going to be great. So in his mind, he's like, I am great.

And he thinks that everybody knows who the hot dog man is at this point. So he walks in there, this guy's like, hey, hot dog man. He's like, they know me here. It's like, buddy. Yeah. This is a weird way to book wrestlers. Like, they could call them and say, hey, we've got a TV deal. We're local wrestlers.

You probably know us because we're here next door to you. Do you want to come wrestle with us? It's weird to just charge the ring dressed as a hot dog man after one show. To leap into the ring dressed as a hot dog man and say to the all women present, I would like to wrestle you. They call me the hot dog man. Like, there's surely a protocol for this already in place. Someone has tried this, I'm sure.

Yes. I'm sure they actually have, like, code words for this that will bring security in immediately. But they, of course, they wrestled the shit out of him because he won't fight women. And then they all agree to do the benefit anyway because the pervert who just got sat on by three women for free was a good sport about it. Yeah. He got paid by just having his face sat on. So, you know, great sport. Good job, buddy.

They love this very strange intruder who doesn't understand his own boner. I do not understand the tubes of meat in any form. I am the hot dog? So he leaves and he gets attacked by the goons, the foam-batted limp-risted Batman, who gently beat him about the shoulders with a rubber bat. He lays him out, though, too. He's kind of a glass cannon. He has tremendous power.

when he's attacking. But then he just one little flap across the neck. You've got to give it to the first goon, though, because he attacks him in the bat. He just catches the bat and grabs it, rips it in half, and the guy has no reaction. He's like, yeah, that's pretty tough, I guess. I mean, I did bring a foam bat.

Like, I could probably rip that thing in half. It's a good point that they never really decide on, like, his strength and endurance. Like, his stats are just constantly in flux because he'll sometimes he'll, like, struggle with, like, get locked up with a, guy just locking shoulders and he'll struggle like oh no he's fighting me off and sometimes he'll lift up a car or some shit like hold on which which of the things can you do yeah he rips a metal door

uh yeah he rips it to shreds like a fucking grizzly bear with his bare hands and you're like well how powerful are you because you were struggling with the baseball goons earlier they won they won that encounter they walked away from it and you could have just torn them apart like a Salmon. I don't want to skip ahead too far, but I feel like a dock crane probably weighs 70 to 80 tons. Oh, yeah. And he he shoved it faster than a moving car. That's, I mean, like, that's Hulk strength.

That's not even the thing. That is Hulk. Yeah, that's like omega power level that he's got towards the end. But then sometimes he'll just be like, oh, I can barely lift this heavy box. I go, what are we doing? You've got to, like, establish. I don't know what the stakes are when you do this. Is he in trouble or is he just fucking around?

That would have been a much better show. If he had to just like his struggle was to just not gently tear everything that he came in contact with and half, including people. If like the two of those gorgeous ladies of wrestlers were just like paste. I mean, the problem with that is that you would have to like re-center that premise. Because like again, you don't get like you didn't serial watch stuff unless you were very lucky in the 80s. You just tuned into like whatever episode was on. So like they would have to establish that that's his struggle in every episode, which means every episode, Martin Cove would have to

tear a troubled teen into shreds with his hands and be like, oh no. Sounds like a great show. I've got to be careful not to do that again. Covered in human sauce again. It is all tubes of meat, all the way down. So the troubled teen notice he shows up to wrestle, Martin Cove shows up to wrestle. The troubled teen notices he's hurt, tells him to get to a doctor, but Martin Cove says, No doctor, I must wrestle. It rules. Too short to take the clip, but it rules.

So all wrestlers die. It is. It's very in line with a pressure of wrestling attitude. So he leaves to go get ready. The other wrestlers enter the ring, you know, makes it up. There's only four of them. The developers goons sneak up to the lighting rig

and cut the chains, dropping it onto the ring below. Martin Cove runs in just in time to throw all the wrestlers easily out of the ring and catch the falling lighting rig and uh the audience the audience loves this and and they start chanting hot dog man for him uh the wrestlers are all like dismayed now though like we cut to the locker room they're dismayed after this they're like oh man now we're never going to get our big break on camera because because those lights fell down and it made us look unprofessional

that would have been the tv event of the century that would have been leading news for months. Yeah, the whole audience is still on their feet out there chanting a hot dog man because it's the craziest shit they've ever seen. If like John Sina caught a falling light grid, like, yeah, we would all be watching wrestling next week. Yeah, but they're like, no. And the show never says they're wrong. The show was like, oh, yeah, totally. That's right. A professional television. They would never be on board with the wrestlers being in actual danger. That's unprofessional. This is the worst one of all the show is when they're like, oh, we just had good luck or something. And like, I can't remember how they put it, but they're like, you have a rabbit's

foot and a horseshoe. And then Martin Cove spends, I swear to God, 30 minutes going, hmm, well, rabbits do have feet, but horses do not wear shoes? Hmm, what is? And I'm just just fucking, do you not get idioms yet? You fucking space monster? His delivery here makes me think that Steve Katanski from Psycho Gorman may have watched this because he does this. He goes, rabbits have feet and horses wear shoes, or do they? Gorman said that Yeah It's the second Gorman line

Yeah beautiful I know you're not intentionally skipping all these bits With control at these various sporting events right I absolutely am I got I was I'm sorry I was so over fucking control Like I wanted to play like that first one So that you could understand why I skipped all the rest of them

When he's just warbling People need to know there's like 17 bits where he's like On his own trying to figure out sports unrelated to anything. Just like, oh, a scoreboard, hmm, these numbers must be something. He brings back nothing of value. There's no wrap around.

But they don't end in punchlines or anything either. He's just like, he'll just leave. And then you're like, why, why any of that? Yeah. And it happens a lot. I think it's, I think it's supposed to be the comedic break between like, between scenes.

I hate it so much. It just makes you really appreciate Martin Cove's comedy, honestly. That's probably what's there. as the, he plays such a convincing idiot war criminal. Yeah, he grew on me. My notes at the very beginning was like,

who turned this roll down where they had to get Martin Cove at the last second? Like, this is such a weird casting choice. But then you watch it, you're like, no, this is pretty good. But like the 10th time he looks at somebody and sincerely goes, I'm the hot dog man. You're like, this is perfect. Yeah, he's not like, he's bored for this shit.

He's not pulling off the. Starman bit, but he's pulling off his variant, which is that I'm a, I'm a fucking murderer. I'm like a fucking murderer. Exactly. Who's taking a lot of hits to the head. And now I've been thrown into like Australia, like something. And I've got to make out, I've got to discover society as a fucking idiot murderer. To be clear, he's not like, he wasn't fighting injustices in space.

Like, from what I read, space was pretty chill. Like they had it figured out. It was a very peaceful way of life, and he says, no, fuck that. Destroy. Like, he's an actual criminal. He's not like a freedom fighter or some kind of good, secret good guy. He went against the council. That's what it said in the intro.

Right. I mean, a council. We all know what the council is. A bunch of, a bunch of blowhards. I think one of the things that Martin Coe brings to it is that this show does a thing I love where in a scene, everyone has a different understanding of what's happening. Like, they don't know he's an alien. And he doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

But then in addition to that, he's trying to be all friendly, but he has that menacing Martin Coe face. So everyone's kind of like really threatened by him. Anyway, I just love how everything's a misunderstanding and it's just a giant mess of motivations. And that does come up later a lot in this episode. Well, that comes up really quick because his next thing, he goes to confront the developer. And he's like, supposed to be really charming the secretary. And what he does is he leans up and he goes, I am the hop talk. man.

Right. That's a fucking crime. That's a full-blown crime. Yes. But it works. She calls the developer, which like the next step to that is not better call the boss and make sure he's not expecting this pervert.

It's like, no, get security out of here. But she calls the developer and everybody involved, and this takes so long, this chain of wacky misunderstandings, they think like, hot dog man, huh, what he really meant to say is he trades in pork belly futures. Right. Like, no, he didn't fucking say that. Nobody said he said that. Yes.

So the secretary thinks he's a maniac. He is an alien. Somebody else thinks he's a trader. A stockbroker. Nobody is on the same page, and it's all kind of coming together to create this, like, I don't know, beautiful madness. There is a bit here, a Starman-style bit. I genuinely like where the secretary brings him coffee with sugar and cream, and he puts the creamer, container and sugar packet into the coffee and hands it back to her.

Solid, like, nobody even says anything about it. They just like, what's it in there and gives it back? She's like, what the fuck? Yeah, I appreciate that she didn't be like, no, you have to put it. It does, no, just full unspoken weirdness. But he's got like the dupus confidence to, because he can't know that's right. He can't even possibly believe he did that right. But he's so sure, he's so sure he nailed it.

That's what I'm saying Like he's not He's not doing a fully In control of his mental faculty Starman Like there's like Another Earth test conquered He's got

He's got a little something else Going on This front desk interaction I don't know if you said it But he's here because he's This is the rich guy That was originally trying to buy the property That all the thugs he's encountered

Says they work for So he's like Gone a direct confrontation He went straight to the top I make my own luck they're still doing the pork belly futures thing and like trying to talk to him like a stockbroker and he's just talking about wrestling

and like you know it's only a matter of time before they realize like uh-oh somebody just let a professional wrestler into our business meeting somebody's lucky yeah they're like no somebody let a psycho into our fucking business meeting not a single character knows what's going on like early I was talking about it came together

it is not it's nobody has any idea how they're getting out of this scene but they do this great jump cut where he's like threatening the developer and the developer's like, I'm going to call security and it cuts away for a little bit. And when it cuts back, Martin Cove is just shaking him by the neck like a kitten, just shaking him over and over again. You're like genuinely funny jump cut. Yeah, it's pretty good. And all the security is like, they eventually pan over and they're just dead. They're just all fucking dead. One guy's like annoyed, rolled up in a rug. The other guy's like head

first in a cabinet, unmoved. Yeah. Like he's done. Yeah, he fucking murdered him Looney Tune style. And then this guy's like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Like, he went too far. He went past the guy who was doing the bad stuff to the head bad guy who isn't a bad guy related to this incident. So again, just hit reset on everything. Everyone is confused. No one knows what's going on. And that's when Martin Cove gets to use his catchphrase.

And I'm serious that this was the catchphrase of the show. They say it every episode multiple times. They probably sold merch with it. His catchphrase is, negative outcome, not good. Catching, right? Yeah, all the kids love saying negative outcome, not good. It doesn't quite have a where's the beef glamour to it. And it's too long for the thong panty.

Negative outcome, not good, accidentally murdered entire security staff of unrelated businessman to plot. So we'd see the owner lady, the lady owns the building, not the wrestling lady. She was the drunk and the Mustang. We see her conspiring with the goons. So it's them. They're trying to force the wrestling lady to sell. Which means they handed down not a wrestling arena, but a wrestling lease in a building.

Yes, it was never hers. It just doesn't want to break a lease is the stakes of this. Fucking what? You can just evict her. You can just, you can do that. You might have to pay a small fee, I guess, depending on the sticks of your contract. No, it's a halfway house. There's not a court in the world that would not give her what she wanted.

It's just absolutely insane and pointless, all of it. I love it. In the locker room, all the wrestlers are heartbroken at, like, losing their home venue. which I don't, they're right. This is a really sweet gig as a wrestler to get like four wrestlers just stay every, every night, all night at the same gig. It's a tag team residency. Tag team residency. It must be like one of the most valuable jobs as a professional wrestler, that stability.

So Martin Cove comes back. He tells them the developer actually isn't the bad guy. And they set up a trap, right, for the goon who wants them to sign the papers. they get them to come to the ring to actual wrestling ring to sign the papers which is like that's your first I'm not getting in a ring they have all the lights off so like

the whole arena is dark except for the ring and the goon's like yep gonna walk right into that ring that's a normal place to sign papers once you step in a ring it's full permission to just use your body for wrestling there's heavy breathing in every direction every shadow the rippling of beef muscles so all the wrestlers

jump into the ring And he can't be surprised at that point. Like if you walk into a darkened arena and there's just huffing and puffing going on, you jump into the ring, you're like, I hope some beefy boy slam me around for a while for free. I love it too because he has information, like two things that they need to know. And he was like, I'm not going to say it. And they body slam me. He's like, I'm not going to say the other part though.

And they body slam, okay, I'll say the other. I'm like, I could have gone so quick. Fifty more of those bits. I love you. They just take turns spot, slamming the information out of him. It turns out that the owner lady and the rest of the goons have taken the troubled teen hostage,

and they've taken him to a warehouse down by the docks. For no, there's nothing to do with the docks in this episode. It's like they just knew. It's the 80s. You got to go to the docks. They knew. Yeah. Yeah, you got to go to the docks. They're so low.

Nobody's going to sell because they know scheme. They already told the kid the troubled team that he can go. They're like, hey, you're going to kill me? Like, no, dude, you could fucking go. If you tell the cops, they won't believe you because you're a criminal. And he's like, yeah, he didn't even ask you to come with this to the doctor. You just got in the car. They don't even threaten him. They just

say, like, yeah, you can tell the cops. They won't give a shit. I mean, correctly so. She goes, you're criminal. Who's going to believe you? Which is a then 80's way. I'm gay, bitch. I'm saying you're not right. definitely wouldn't have noticed if I saw this as a kid is that this is like a working union

shipyard. So when they get there with the wrestlers, they spread out to find him. So I guess all these dock workers are in on the kidnapping. Like they're there harboring this like active kidnapping crime. For what like a cut of an amateur realtors commission on a deal that will never go through? It's it's no, they're fully in on it because as they make their escape as Martin Coven, the wrestlers store them the docks and find them. They like run past some of the dock workers. and they're like, Tony, Kevin, get him. And the dock workers who were genuinely doing dock work are like, oh, okay. And like, just right again.

They're going to fight Tiny Lister to the death. And a guy with a whip. This lady's like, hey, I own a building a few blocks that way. If you see Tiny Lister, kill him with a chain. Yeah, you got a lady. Fuck, yeah. Then you get like, as he's getting press sland by Tiny Lister, you get a very much like, I bet you're wondering how I got here moment.

Like it's these two fools. They get like half, like torn in half. and thrown into the ocean. And like, I know you've got good health insurance from that union, but it's not worth it. One guy got thrown in the ocean. We didn't see what the other one landed. I know that's true. Yeah, the guy in the ocean got a beautiful slow motion death, you know, into the water.

The other guy just got tossed over a ledge to never to be seen again. Yeah. The way that boat is situated, only one of those sides can be of the ocean and they are thrown off opposite sides. Yeah, Zeus may have actually killed a real man. He just murdered. He did the wrong cue. Yeah. Tiny, oh, geez.

You were supposed to throw him on the other side. Sorry, I'm cross-out. I thought the crash band was this side. What? That doesn't work for every situation, and you know it. I hope Tiny Lister's not listening. That's so mean. Well, he's dead now.

Unnecessary dig. Oh, yeah. God, that's even worse. I know that for a fact. I hope his family isn't listening. Oh, that's true. Jamie, cut all this. To the state of tidy Lister.

I do not know these men. So this is the scene Sean was talking about where all the bad guys, the developer, they're the owner, they run into their car and they start driving away. And Martin Cove jumps down to like a 16 tonne shipping crane. And just like with no,

they show that he has no struggle, no effort. He just whips it across the whole fucking dockyard. And it just like, it goes from zero to 50 mile an hour. It outpaces. this car that is accelerating. So he's the strongest

creature in the universe and just has not used his full strength yet. I want to remind everyone he didn't have to do that. This car is driving away with two people whose addresses we know. Pick them up later. Like for all of... They didn't have the deal. That's what I was going to say.

They did not... This was not to save the arena. Yeah, they were like, we have to get that contract before they get to the judge. None of that shit. It's... Yep. Zero sticks. But the crane picks up the car and that's kind of it. Martin, they come back and they're like, Martin Cove, you stay with us and wrestle forever. We have a fifth residency position.

I guess it'll be everyone against Cove from now on. And Cove just like, he started this episode saying like, I have found a promotion in my career. This is what I'm supposed to do for my alien parole. And this is how the episode ends. I'm just going to play it. I think you're making a big mistake, Jesse. She's right. You're a good wrestler.

With a little help from me, the hot dog man can be right up there with Hulk Hogan. It would be good. Then stay. I have to go. Goodbye. People need me. Other worlds to conquer, huh? Yes.

Okay. That's it. That's it. That is it. He kind of like tries to pay lip service later when he's like, ah, too many reporters, too many questions. Like, hold on. Like, I straight up had to pause. the show. I'm like, he's trying to keep this shit a secret?

Like, he did 500 superhuman things today. Some of them on TV. Like, arguably the best place to do that would be in a professional wrestling ring where people would be like, ah, it's fake. They made that thing Veta foam, you know, it was light. But he's like, no.

And then... I must go. He says, no, I must go. And they're like, oh, but please stay. You know, we've made such a connection. And he goes, no. He's like, you see, I've got a I'm kind of a Bill Bixby. I got to keep moving. Right. And maybe I'm like a fucking genius or something.

But like I watched the intro to this show. He's there on earth to serve a sentence until he's not being violent. So he could have said, I can't be a wrestler. Like it goes against my parole or whatever. Yeah. Like no, he's like, no, dog. The secret thing. Like, no, you're not Bill Bixby.

This isn't the Hulk. You're. That's a prime like opening to be like, no, professional wrestling too violent for me. Right. Yep. Like, oh, it's all real, right? Me, the destroyer of stars. I couldn't possibly. But instead just like 15 minute silence and then yes. Yes. Yes. Just totally forgot his line or something. They're like, I can leave it in.

And then he walked away and they just were like clearly expecting more. The thing that you're not supposed to do, but you think too much about it, like they're ruined now, right? Like the hot dog man was their only chance to get out of the financial pit they were in. So they're fucked. They didn't get that TV. And they have a really hostile landlord. Yeah. Whether she's in jail or not, they are not friends. Yeah.

And those, at the best case scenario, all of those criminal children are learning about the world of the career opportunities and the world of professional wrestling from a failing professional wrestling house. So they have no futures. And that's, that's, that's the end. What did we learn here today, space man? negative things. I learned to hate that fucking robot. Not good. And then they tried to fucking shoehorn in some wrestling line at the end.

He's like, surely they are easier jobs. And then Martin Cove says to the little robot testicle, he's like, yes. But where else can one become? And then a four minute pause, the main event. You're like, what the fuck does that mean? What? That's not a callback to anything. It's so weird.

Did you think your name was the main event? You were Hot Dog Man. You were Hot Dog Man. I don't think he ever, like, wrestled in his show. Where else can someone become the hot dog man? That would have made more sense. Okay. I genuinely thought you, when you said this to me, I read it wrong.

I thought this show was just called the hot dog man. I was like, fuck, yes, let's go. Martin Cove and the Hot Dog Man. Yeah. How did we miss this? I kind of blame the viewers, the listeners and readers. Like, people send me cool shit all the time. No one has ever sent me a hard time on planet Earth in my entire.

higher life. Yeah, I'd never heard of it. I didn't know Martin Cove did a Star Man. I should be getting an email about this every day. Yeah. And I see the top comment on YouTube is love this show as a kid. You fucking liar. You liar. You didn't watch it. We didn't see it. You didn't. Midseason replacement, never in syndication or anything. Like, you had to be there watching for like a specific window of about four months. Or you had no idea this existed. Uh, okay, let's end 1,900, Frankford Welcome to the 1,900 Hot Dog Stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight, the insult comic with class Lord Jimathan. Thank you, thank you. That's quite enough, though, I should say,

flattery, we'll get you everywhere. Uh-ho, what a supreme audience we have tonight. I recognize a lot of faces. though they might not like me saying that. Oh, I see Aaron Crostin here, a peacock in everything but beauty. Oh, Adrian H. I see Adrian H here, Alex Nolenberg, Alpha Scientist Java, Un-Andi, Armando Navar, Autumn Armstrong Berg. Oh, I see Brandon Garlock. He has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen are never remembered.

Oh, ho! Brian Sailor. Brockway famously loves the meat millie. A little too much, if you know what I mean. Cyril. Christopher Worthing, I am told, porkpacking is the most valued profession in America. Tell your mother, I said, thank you for your service.

Oh, I'm so naughty. Common sense, I see Craig Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schell. Popularity is the only instance. that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. Oh, oh, oh, Delta Fox Trot. I see Devin the Rogue Supreme here. I see Dusty's rad title and Elizabeth Schope. Elliot Watson is said that he can talk brilliantly upon any subject,

provided that he knows nothing about it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Eric Christian Berg is here, fancy shark. Jelloho, good Satan and his hot witches, I see you there. Greg Cunningham, Greg Cunningham is an excellent man. He has no enemies and none of his friends like him. Oh, oh, I slay, I truly do. Haraka, Harvey Pengweeney, honk. I have here, I want Brockway to say Dyke,

which I'm allowed to do because this accent might be Dutch or something. You don't know. Jabar Al Aden, James Boyd, Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, it's the perfect man, always dull and usually violent. Oh, Jared Ruiz, John Deeb, John McCabin, John Minkoff, a lot of John's here tonight, you know what I'm saying. Josh Quicksall, it is said some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. Eh, but no really, go fuck yourself, Josh Quicksall. You know what you did. Joshua Graves.

Justin B. Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book. Give her a few minutes, folks. She'll get it. Ken Paisley. K&M. I see KVH. I see Elaine Haygood here.

Lisa. Oh, she seems like a good citizen. Or a faithful wife. Or something else equally tedious. Oh! M. Jahi Chappelle. Mark Mahoney. Matt Riley.

Max Broy I see mercenary Cisidman here Michael Lair Mickey Lohman Oh Mickey Lohman Such kin student Always ready to give his

Betters the full benefits Of his inexperience Ohoo Mort, Mr. Bob Gray N. D. Neil Bailey Neil, they say there is no sin

Except stupidity So tell the devil I said Hello Oh, fuck you, Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer, Naku 104, Niklovino, obsolete. Ogilwan Supreme is like the best art. All style, unpolluted by sincerity.

Oh, I'm told One Ball Inn has been received in all the great houses. Or once. I kid, I actually like One Ball Inn. Henri Weevil, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst. I see Peewey's uncle here with Rebrandrew and Red Wine Time. Riannon, hello Riannon. Russell Bauman, oh, Russell Bauman, everybody. You seem, Russell, you seem the kind of person who's brilliant at breakfast.

No, don't get that one? Go team up with Katie Favelle. Maybe you two can figure yours out together. Sam Copnik, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Seed Space Jam fan, I may not agree with you, but I shall defend to the death. You're right to be a dipshit. Spotty reception, supernot, day to stays, TEDH, Thomas, Thomas is such a good friend, he will always stab you in the front air.

Thomas Cavatzos, Timi Ler, Léhey, Toastigan, I see Tommy G here. Velo. Velo is the kind of person who deprives one of solitude without providing one with company. Ha ha ha, ha, ha, ah, that one was bad. Victor Malavankan, Booster, Whalen Russell. I see Avon Clavom here. Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning.

As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language. As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm. And as a weener, he is everything but plump. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. I kid, of course. Thank you. Thank you all. I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths cause wrinkled. Oh, no, but seriously, folks, truth is everything.

Stay true. One must always strive to be true to what they are, even if what they are is a. nasty little cunt oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.