The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 274, Project Shadowchaser with Merritt K

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

Brockway and Seanbaby are joined by chaser expert, Merritt K, for another installment of Martin Kove Month! Project Shadowchaser is sort of Terminator, sort of Die Hard, a little bit Demolition Man, some Escape from LA, a dash of- this is taking too long. There's about 20 movies in here and they all hate each other. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert is going to jail because you didn't buy his book. But it's not too late to help him win some creature comforts in prison. Every copy goes toward the commissary fund! https://linktr.ee/killyourimaginaryfriend

Welcome to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's Final Comedy website. I am a surprisingly capable every man stuck in a high-rise hostage situation, but not the one you're thinking of. I'm Robert Brockway. And with me is a killer robot and a buff naked man suit, but not the one you're thinking of. It's Sean, baby. It's a pleasure to be here. I was really hoping to get Meg Foster, but I will take a Romulus. And our guests, Unfrozen, specifically for this.

disappearance, the only person who can navigate this delicate podcast. It's Merit J. I'm so excited to see which fast food chain has become the only restaurant in the future. I'm just, I'm just so, I'm so glad. Everybody welcome Merit Jay. Welcome Merit, Jay, the correct name. We unflose the right person. I just can't, I can't stress this enough. The only merit for this podcast. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. couldn't get Merritt Kay, but it's just as good. Who?

It's just, you know, all this. It's just as good as the other thing. It's fine. I'm talking about the cybernetics and demolition man expert, Merritt J. Who you are, right? Who you are. Yeah. You definitely are.

Yes. Yeah, of course I am. So it's fine. You don't have to put me back in the freezer. All right. I can do all of that. I know all of the cyborg parts. Wow.

What a relief. You're the karate architect, right? This is going to make so much sense to people on like an hour. So where can people find more of your cybernetics work, Marit J? Yeah. So if you go to Blue Sky and search Merit J, it might. There's a computer bug, though, so it might, you might have to type Merit K. That's just a computer bug from the future technology.

Which you would know as the cyber expert. Yeah, I mean, I invented most of it. So I'm like pretty knowledgeable in those fields. So yeah, just type Merritt K somewhere like into your computer and it'll come up. You could listen to the podcast that I do. Again, it is going to say Merit K on there, but that's just it's a typo. So it's called if you're driving, close your eyes. You can go listen to that wherever podcasts exist here in the future.

If they exist in this dark time. Oh, God. Can you imagine a world without podcasts? How terrifying would that be? What would listen to while we do other things? How would we talk to our friends? That's true. That's true.

I would miss you guys. Yeah, we'd never speak again. Sean, where can people find more from you? Oh, go to patreon.com slash 1,900 hotdog. And that supports our illustrious website, now going six years strong. And this podcast and our other podcast called Big Feats. We are a media empire. And yeah, that's it.

That's my plug. Technically, I think that's true. I think we might be a media empire now. I think six years counts as a media empire at this point. Yeah, we've outlasted a lot of like. That's crazy. Yeah. Like, think about how many websites have come into being and died in that span of time.

Yeah. All of them. And we pay our writers well. We have lots of them and they're great. I guess well. Well is a strong word. but like 10 times more than you'd expect in this media market. Less than they deserve, but more than they've ever got.

That's, yeah, sure, that's a nice way to put it. Okay, I'll, my turn next. I am still legally obligated to promote my new book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. But watch this. Listen to the shit. Watch how easy this shit is now. My book is good.

Go read it. Oh, fuck. Is that the whole plug? That's the plug. I don't need to, I don't need to do like a year. long bit because it's actually apparently good. I didn't know that. I didn't know that when I was writing it or what it was done, but like, go look up reviews.

People are like actual people with like opinions. I think that it's good. Yeah, I've been of this opinion for some time. You'll recall. I know, but I don't explain. I'm so bad at sincerity. It came out. I punched him in the dick.

Yeah. Yeah. That's how it comes out every time. Oh, that's how you express love, right? It's how I tell people I love them. Yeah, it's worrisome. It's worrisome when your friends are sincere. It always feels like a trap.

You're like, nah, I'm not like, am I dying? Fuck you, dude. Yeah. Do you all know that I have secret cancer? Look, I'm not, I'm not getting in the van. I know what's happening. But, well, yeah, apparently, apparently you guys were telling the truth, probably accidentally. Yeah, yeah.

There you go. I haven't read it yet. I don't know. It's a good cover I read the part that I was on that page where I died I was like okay that part's good

fucking spoilers God Sean dies in the book God I didn't even know Sean was in the book And now that I know he dies The original title was Sean dies at the end Oh okay yeah

That's a really good title You should have gone for that Apparently it was pretty close To something else Some like A novel of giant Sean babies Go to Biddydydy Sean Baby Okay

Well, we're continuing Cove Month, Martin Cove Month. That might just be the name of the podcast from here on now. We're never, never leaving Martin Cove Month. We're never going to run out of things to talk about that Martin Cove was in. But this time we're talking about Project Shadow Chaser, 1992, I believe. I think it's too, yeah. Project Shadow Chaser. There were several sequels to this, so like really spawned a franchise.

They didn't call any of them Project Shadow Chaser, though. No. Not too proud of it. Not too proud of the franchise, I guess. I mean, I find that a reliable indicator of quality in a film is when it has like six different names. I think by the time they got to Project Shadow Chaser 3 or 4, it's called like Alien Chaser, but it's also called Orion's Key. like, AKA Project Shadow Chaser

Four. Yeah. When you can see them A.B. Testing titles on the audience. Not a great sign. Four deep. Hold on.

A.B. Testing franchise. Franchise titles four deep into it. Maybe let's call it Project Shadow Chaser Leprocon. Leprocon Wars. Lepra Chaser? There's a ring to it. Shadow Chaser Troll to Nilbog

Revenge The Return Also, product Shadow Chaser Can I just say It sounds like the name of a dog shit PlayStation game That a desperate YouTuber Is trying to call a hidden gem

10 years into running his channel? 100%. Yeah, it's it's a It's like immediately The opposite of quality You're like, oh no, that's not I mean, I'm renting that at the video store That's for me

But like my dad is going to roll his eyes He knows what this is immediately. Let's get into Project Shadowchase. Let's just jump right into it. Movie opens with like a... Hold on. My notes say, hold on. My notes say, a couple guys building a nude hunk.

That can't be right. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. We've got kind of a sting, kind of a nude hunky sting. Wrestler or musician, take your pick. A little bit of both. Sprawled out on a table with his cock out.

This is like maximum intro, because the nude man comes to life and kills his creators. And the guy's head goes through the monitor and then the screen just goes to black and says, Martin Cove. You know what you're in for. This is a fucking great intro. It's a great intro up to that point. But then he climbs a ladder for 20 straight minutes.

I swear to God. Yeah. He's just the next scene is he's climbing a ladder. And then it keeps cutting out of the ladder to the credits to the ladder, to the credits, to the ladder. to the credits. Like, Jesus fucking crap. I get that it's...

It's a Metal Gear Solid 3, but it's also like... We'll get into it. But this is... It is 5% of 20 different things stitched together with no coherence. It's kind of an astonishing achievement. I don't know if you noticed,

but in addition to like the actual plot elements that are stolen from like a half a dozen different movies, the music that's playing in this intro, and it kind of comes back at a few people. points in the movie, it's just that one part of the Batman theme song. Like that, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. The one where he goes, Vicky fail. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's just like, constant. You're right. It is that, that Terry Gilliam song or Danny Elfman. Sorry, I don't remember. I only know the Prince ones. That's an interesting confusion, Terry Gilliam with Danny Elthwin. Yeah. I bet they don't get that a lot.

Never. Okay, this gives us a lot of time to think. So in my notes, I wanted to, I wanted to, I wanted to, raise this subject. Do you think they built him a penis? I say yes. They don't show it. Yeah. Now, follow-up question. Flopping around or rock hard from all the murder. I think it probably doesn't have a flaccid state. Like, why would you do that? Good point. That's very good point. Yeah, if you're building a dick android, why would you even let him go soft, do you know? I don't know. Just the hubris of man.

Maybe? Yeah, I don't know. It would improve the movie just to see him like just to see him fully erect. Not like he like obviously we're not going to show it, but like just in his pants. Like that would, I don't know, just a little Easter egg. Right. Or like hang something on it. Like he could put his gun on it.

I think they did. Okay, I think they did a good job of implying that. It was more subtle what they did. It's as he's climbing the ladder. If you listen close, you can just hear the ding, ding, ding as the dick hits each rung as as he snaps through each rung. Yeah. It was subtle, but I got it. I definitely got it. And you're still what they were telling me. And that's why it took 20 minutes. So you can be like, yes, he's sustaining the erection the whole time. A statement about capitalism. He's pulling up the ladder behind him. With his cock, yes. With his cock. Which is how we all do it. So we cut out of there and we go to a hospital, sort of a futuristic city hospital. I'm not sure if this is supposed to take place in like kind of Blade Runner demolition man-esque future. or if it's just modern day and it's like really, it's a cool hospital.

They got cool graphics on the walls. It is kind of weird like wrongness to it. Like are we in the future? Is this like a cyberpunk? I had another question. He's a full robot, right? Like he's not a Frankenstein because I don't think you can put a Frankenstein in a Martin Cove movie.

I think that would be really confusing. And it's not Martin Cove? Right, because your grandma would be like, which Frankenstein is this? She would be so confused. Martin Cove's the name of the doctor, not the monster. Right. That makes sense. Of course.

You'd have to explain that over and over. So, yeah, I think he's a full robot. I don't think he's stitched together. I think they specify he's a full robot. They don't explain that he was like a soldier or something or a corpse or whatever. No, I mean, he's a Rutgerhauer from Blade Runner, right? Yeah, he's a ruckerhauer. With a touch of Dolph Lundgren Universal Soldier.

Like, he kind of got that vibe. A little bit of sting, a little bit of a little bit of. A dune sting. Put a dune sting. So yeah, it's a strange vibe. You don't know whether you're in the future or not. I did notice that on all of the guns, there's like just over the sights on the guns, there's a little like plastic crystal.

That's like the only thing they put on them. And you're like, okay. I don't know enough about guns to know if that's just a normal thing. But I don't think they have plastic crystals on them. I mean, if you're a lady, you might want to get your gun. dazzled a little. So yeah, that might be what we're dealing with. But like, that's it. That's the only, aside from that, everybody dresses normal. Yeah, it's, like, I think the only, the only futuristic elements are the things that they could

get for free, right? Like, um, that they reused from Alien 3 apparently, which I guess is that maybe like the cryogenic stuff and like everything else is just a room. Like, it's just an office building. Everyone looks normal. And so it's, it's just a. doesn't feel like a demolition man. Maybe all the pipes? Because like the move, the pipe. The office building is like immaculate, but then they keep going into these industrial mazes that are real dusty and grimy. Yeah.

Ah, yeah. That was a real thing where it said. They did reuse some sets from Alien 3 apparently. But yeah, I couldn't. I don't know where that came from. I didn't recognize anything. I was like, oh, that's got to be from Alien. I was like, that's, I don't remember the, I don't remember the conference room from Alien 3.

Right. Right. Like, was Alien 3? three, mostly about Paul Reiser, like giving presentations on why they need to get an alien? I don't know. I wish. God, that sounds good. It's pretty good.

The bathroom? Was the bathrooms? Right. A lot of bathrooms in Alien 3? I want to say something about editing. Editing is fucking crazy. It is like four frames of an ambulance, four frames from the sky, four frames in the hospital lobby. It is just stitched together absolutely insane.

It's so confusing. Maybe not confusing. It's not really saying anything, but confusing. in that you're like, why did they do this? Like, what do they even try to say with this? Well, it's thematically appropriate for the movie, because the movie is made out of 15 other movies. That's true.

Okay, so it's like a meta-commentary. It's like a second editor came in and said, insult at the first with this little sequence. Like, it feels like the editor got paid by the cut. Like, every time they cut, they get another paycheck. So it's like, oh, all right, well, like, I can do that. Hope you but just like star wipes Could it have been like a misunderstanding?

I guess this was the era of MTV and like we sort of associate that with rapid cuts. Maybe they thought like, oh, this is this will make it more like fast paced or something. They definitely do some music video stuff there. You can feel like the music video influence in a few of the scenes where it's just like it does not flow like a movie for a while. It's just like random cuts with no continuity and you're just like, I guess. I get the vibe. Some of it, though, I think, okay, because on the IMDB, I read the Alien 3 trivia, but I also read that they added the robot shit, like, laid into the process.

And as you go through the movie, I tried to keep track of it, and I'm pretty sure Martin Cove and the robot never appear in the same scene. And so I think they filmed this and then had to stitch together the robot later using whatever footage they had. Oh, this was originally like Martin Cove's double impact. this was two long coves. The public demand it. Cove is so hot.

We needed two coves in one movie. I think it was just a regular diehard. They made a cove diehard and then they're like, we got to add a robot because terminated rules. They're going to sue us if we don't make him a robot. But that's a real thing. Watch the movie, cove and the robot never appealed. Despite having many scenes together, they never appear in the same frame. I don't think they do.

I think you're right. And when they fight, it's very, very stuntman heavy. There's one where they do appear together in the same shot, but you don't see the robot's face. And that's where he bursts up through the floor. I'm like, you see Kove react to it. But it's the back of his head. So like, I guess that could have been anybody. Yeah, I think they did some pickup shots with the stunt man.

But yeah. And I don't think, uh, Martin Kove has ever met this actor. Frank Zonggi, divot. I can't remember. Zagirino. I haven't in my nose. He was a guy named like Zokar and detective. extra large. I looked him up.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. I should recognize him. That fits. I really assumed he was like an amateur wrestler or something because he's fucking ripped. He's absolutely ripped enough that you're like, he should probably have some kind of career

out of that. But I guess not. No, he's been in a lot of stuff, but they're all like, you know, techno barbarian kind of movies. They're coves. They're Martin Coos. But this, I think, is the only time they appeared together. because I looked them up and I was like, I got a cross-reference.

They must hate each other. Like Martin Covements, I'm not fucking working with that guy or something because it's so weird how they do all these scenes together without actually appearing together. Okay, okay. Let's get into the plot of the movie. Okay, now that we're a half hour into this podcast. That'll make things coherent, sure. Okay, so we're in a hospital and we're watching like a real cool black orderly give a bunch

of secret handshakes to all those white coworkers. And then a team rushes in two patients who threw off their sheets. one of them is the naked sting Terminator and there's also like a woman who who was weirdly similar in vibe to him to the point where you're like, I don't know what this is. Is she also a cyborg? She looks like a little guy version of him.

Yeah, she's like a little gender swapped. Like if this was a video game, this would be your male and female options. Right, yeah. And yeah, it's, I mean, we'll get into it later. But yeah, I think, think the movie sets you up to assume like, oh, this is a second Android because they built her to look like him. Yeah.

Yeah, I definitely assumed that. As soon as they showed those two faces, I was like, oh, there's another, oh, they're going to fuck. This is an Android sex movie. All right. Right. It's like a-sting and female sting, finally. Oh, God. What was that other Android hostage situation movie?

You guys covered it like a year or two ago where the Android's fuck. Oh, yes. I can't remember the name of that. You know, they're like, what is love? Let me show you. Yeah, I remember that part. It's always funny to me in a movie where they're like, okay, now the bad guy gets a sex scene. Like, why?

They don't, we don't need that. It's like that buff bag. Who am I rooting for in this sex scene? Who am I rooting for to win? Day of the Warrior. Day of the Warrior, yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think like all the moves he has because he has like some pretty unique sex moves in that where he like will rubber elbow for 40 seconds and then just kind of like paints and barbecue sauce in her leg for another minute or two. It's real weird. Okay. So they brought the Android in. They brought the Android in like they. Jamie cut that 45 minutes where we talked about the Day of the Warrior.

If they bring the and they whip the sheets off, they weren't ever really dead or patients or whatever and they just shoot up the hospital. kill a bunch of the orderlies, the co-workers. A pointless endeavor. They could have just walked in. I love that Sting, the Terminator Sting was fully nude under that. And then he gets up and he puts on clothes after having murdered everybody.

And you're like, why did he need to? He was covered in a sheet like he was a corpse. Why did? And the woman, the woman was dressed. And also, why would he be naked if he was a corpse? Like, why? Why? Why any of that? He was under a sheet. No one stopped them and said, okay, if there's a corpse under the sheet,

it better be nude or I'm not letting you in. There's been a nude accident. There's no time. You've got to let us in. Okay, well, I've got to check. Okay, you're right. Hold on. One of these is clothed.

That was the accident. Yep, I have all this in my notes. I had a lot of questions here. So we're doing, you realize at this point that we're doing a diehard. It's for some reason, it's one of the high-rise hospitals. We've already met our Argyle.

We've already met the Argyle character. I don't know. Argyle could fuck. This guy is a full sex pest. When you say he's given handshakes, no, he stops at the receptionist and he's like, hey, want to have sex? She's like, no, go away. You're not attractive. I hate you.

And he has 70 follow-ups to that. He will not leave her alone. So we've got something in common. Yeah, baby. A piece of shit, baby. I do appreciate the way that she was never. warmed or charmed by that? Because that's the standard like 80s, 90s movie movies. He'll just keep, you know, and the woman will be charmed by his persistence. And like, no, it doesn't work like that. But that's what they said. It happened in the 80s and 90s. But he or she's just like, I hate you more with every word you say. He's like, yeah, baby, me too. That's exactly the way I feel about this. But he is as close as we will get to an argyle. He's not as charming. We've got a couple of FBI agents. They are coming up into a mysterious underground complex with a with a stoner scientist which is not like a character you see a lot

yeah it was weird very weird guy it's all very weird the high loser like maybe played by cheech morin in a different era uh scientists like i i don't associate those two together did you recognize the the fbi i got here travarian travanian no yeah he's alexander He was, yeah, he's from judge and jury. The other co-movie we talked about. He's the cop on the edge that, like, thought it was his movie. Okay, no, I recognize it from, um, robot jocks. Yep, he was in robot jocks too.

Oh, I do recognize. Weirdly, I recognize him from robot jocks, but I can't picture him in Judge and Jerry. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're right, though. He has the same voice. He uses the same voice in this movie. Yeah. He's just, he's fucking tired of all this shit.

This is a cryo prison where the FBI agents have gone into it. So it's also, it's a diehard. it's a Terminator and it's a demolition man and this is seven minutes or so into the movie. Yeah. It's all of those movies. And they find a Frozen Martin Cove and he's got a full Kurt Russell like hair, beard situation. But like it's a Lego beard. It is like the wrong color and snapped on his face.

I think they took it from a Bigfoot costume. Yeah. Like just the bottom half of a Bigfoot. mask. It's distractingly bad. The first thing he asked for is a beer, which like apparently is very important. I mean, that's a cool guy thing to say. It's a cool guy thing to say. They call it back several times. It's way too many times. Troubling alcoholic. But then the very next thing he says is like they call him by a name like Dexter or something and he's like, oh, that's not my name. And then they completely ignore him. So you're like, you actually tell somebody involved in this.

that no, I am not that guy. But yeah, they got the wrong guy. They unthought the wrong demolition man. And I want to make it so clear that the movie doesn't make a big deal out of it. Like the movie implies that like he might just not go by the name Dixon and like, because he seems a little confused but not like, oh, I've got to keep my secret. It's the movie does not like imply that this is important at all. And so you kind of like, you might just.

miss it. That's entirely down to the performance of Martin Cove. Maybe. Yeah. Who was playing it like, this is all a funny gag instead of like, oh my God, I have to play along with this or I'm going to go back into cryo prison forever. He's just like, yeah, whatever, bud. Yeah, 100%. In a good movie, it would have shown the actor like really like, oh, geez, like look around like my boss is not white tiger type of look and then like done an insert shot of him like hiding his name tag or something to just let you know, like, this is an important secret he's keeping. This movie does not. This movie's like, yeah. And also the second thing he says to them, to the people who thought about it's, oh, that's not my name. I'm like, just ignore. Yeah, just ignore that guy. He's fucking drunk. So they bring him to

the situation room dealing with the hospital takeover and the terrorists and the cyborg have taken hostages. And one of them is the president of the United States daughter. So we're also doing, we're also doing an escape from L.A. Yeah. Four years before escape from L.A. was made. Which I still think this movie ripped off escape from L.A. Like, I don't know how that works. I don't know how they did it, but they did it.

When you think President's daughter, listener, you're thinking like, teenage girl, right? Yeah. Not middle-aged woman. Middle-aged to make foster. Right, like 40-something-year-old. Yeah, I looked her up. She was 44 here. I think they tried to make her not.

hot with like, again, kind of a snapdown Lego hair. It's like this feathered helmet just framing her face. It didn't work. Still super hot. Still super hot. But I think having the woman be 44 is it's a weird choice because if she was a child, the good guys would be like, we got to save this kid. But when she's like, when an unkillable cyborg has a middle-aged woman,

it's more like, I don't know, she's let him full of life. I mean, guys, we can see. Well, what does her daughter think about all this? Yeah. What does her teenage daughter? Yeah, it's like at this point, I feel like at that point, you're not the president's daughter anymore. You're just like your own person. You're 40-something years old.

You've like gone to grad school. You've like been divorced multiple times. Like, come on. You're 20 years away from retirement. But they get her. They get Meg Foster, the president's daughter. And she has a good showdown scene with a shirtless Terminator guy. I did take a clip here.

You're never going to pull this off. The minute you walked into this room, you gave up living. But you see, I've never lived. I left the awkward silence at the end of that. Yep. That's where you end a scene, obviously, the weird rhetorical question. So she gives a speech for so long, and he just, like, stands there shirtless, listening to it. And then he finally responds, and it's just like, what?

the fuck does that mean? Yeah, you haven't lived. You're a robot who just woke up nude. But you've lived more than in your short time than many days. I've fucked a ladder. I punched a guy. I fucked an entire ladder. Every rung of it.

You know that Frank Zagorino was just like so proud of how he hit that line. Yeah. He's like I'm the next Rucker Hauer. Like there's, I love it in a movie when there's no possible, like they cut away because the only possible reply is, what? Yeah. What does that mean? Yeah.

You have to explain that. Oh, you're an Android. I see. Oh, okay. Yeah, she doesn't know he's a robot. Yeah, she doesn't know. She doesn't know he's a robot. I mean, where it's sort of only supposed to know, like they implied that in the start of the scene in the movie, but like nobody's explicitly said this is a robot.

So like, I don't know. What do you say to that? That's not like, oh, that shut me up. Yeah. Maybe I'd follow it up. Like, what do you? So you like have led a full life? and then if his follow-up was no, I'm a 40-minute old robot.

I'd be like, oh, okay. So why did you bring that up then? Why did you? What? That's what I'm saying. It's like the only possible solution is to cut because that scene lasts for another five minutes that ends with him explaining like, okay. You see, I'm a robot and I just woke up a little bit ago.

So then when you said that thing about not living, I was like, oh, I'm not hurt now. It really hurt because it was so true. I thought it was the Lord of the Rings. I'm no man thing. Yeah. So they want $50 million for the president's daughter. And when the robot tells the head FBI agent, he actually gulps, he audibly gulps. Yeah.

And he goes, oh, well, we can't possibly come up with that much money. The president's daughter. For the president's daughter? Where the hell we get that kind of money, son of a bitch? Who would have that money anyway? And Meg Foster, though, is complete badass. Like, they kidnapped the wrong president's milf daughter because she's like, don't give me these motherfuckers anything.

She's like fully willing to die. Yeah. She's not the teenager that's panicking around there. Yeah. Oh, okay. We just heard President's daughter. We did not do our research. We didn't realize you were going to be older than most of the terrorists here.

It just seems like a weird dynamic. Yeah. We're kidnapping a woman like a good 10 years older than most of the terrorists. Yeah. She's really taking control of the situation. Yeah. Their main robot is just sitting there listening to her. lecture him.

He's got that like full woman confidence. Don't stay the chance. I think this goes fine if, uh, uh, our guy doesn't show up. Like, I think it probably goes better.

I think a Meg Foster diehard would beat the shit out of this movie. Oh, you're right. That's the alternative and that, that fucking, that does whip ass when we were deprived that. So Martin, they do bring Martin Cove in and they explain that they think he's the architect

who designed the hospital. And then they further explain that like, like it's, standard procedure, of course, the architect has to go in with the SWAT team to breach the hospital, just in case there's like any architect stuff that he sees. Okay, so this raises a lot of questions. First of all, Martin Coe is not very good at covering for being an architect. He's like, yep, I'm the architect.

That's a door. Sure. Yep. So suspicious, right? But also, what crime did the buildings architect commit that he got put in like fucking frozen tube prison? Like. You could just be an unrelated.

murder. That doesn't have to be your whole life. You don't have to commit building crimes. Okay. I understand that, but I do feel like he's not a mad scientist, right? Like, it's not included in his character description why he might have ended up in prison. Right. Yeah. In like a better movie, it would have been that he was maybe the creator of the robot or something. Right. And it's like, oh, you can tell us how this robot works and not just this weird, alternate universe where if a crime happens in a building, like the architect

who designed it is like responsible for handling that situation. And you have to go in. You have to go in with the team as the architect in case there's emergency architecture in there. Yes. And I mean, they go in, they repel down a

elevator shaft, assuming the architect who fucking drew a picture of that knows how to fucking work those clips. And he does not. He freep climbs down the rope because he doesn't know how to work the fucking little carabiners and shit. It's it's it's wonderful. You could have had him be any, any part of it. Like he's, he's designed the robot, sure.

He does something that could kill robots. You know, he's a guy that might know how to have a deal with. He's just an expert negotiator. I don't know. Yeah, he's the inventor of anti-robot kung fu. He develops a foreign martial arts specifically for killing robots. Because the architect thing won't come up again after this. They said, that was crazy.

It's just a device to get him in the movie. And you're like, that's a fucking weird device. I like Merritt's idea because he would have developed it in the world before they had Androids and they would have thought he was mad. You're right. But then the Android shows up and they're like, oh, yep. This is the one guy who can solve the situation. It's like how everybody thought Kurt Wimmer was an idiot when he was in his backyard designing Gun Kata.

And then he's like, no, uh. Wait until you see the future, because it's the only thing that's going to save reading. That's right. It wasn't a gun karate movie alone. It was also about art being illegal in a dystopian future. And the only thing they could save it is gun karate. More the fools us for doubting him. Yeah, so they breached the elevator shaft.

Martin Cove is very clumsily tagging along, who is not an architect who would be, the architect would already be out of his. depth. So he's twice removed out of his depth. But he actually does spot some bombs on the elevator cables and does not have time to say it. So a whole SWAT team gets wiped out. Everybody's right out. And it had nothing to do with architecture. Like the architect would not know about elevator cable parts. Like it doesn't that's not his job. That's the elevator people. Okay. My notes to get complicated here because he tells the FBI guy that he doesn't do gung ho. And the guy's like, yeah, you don't go gung ho and he's like yeah i i told you i don't do gong ho okay so the only other time

i've heard it conjugated like that was in judge and jury when they were talking about going gong ho so i have a theory that martin cove and paul coslo had a male stripper act called go gongho because it's and this is just them trying to promote it got some problematic like asian racial overtones that like was cool back then there's gong yeah yeah one of them dresses like a Viet Cong and the other one dressed like, B-O-Gong, of course. B-O-W. Jamie, you can cut all this.

You can cut everything we just said. So we finally learned the bad guy's name. It's Romulus Shadow Chaser. Fuck. Stop the movie, you win. It's the name of every original character that every like 12-year-old creates on deviant art. It's just the best.

He's an evil cyborg made by an evil cyborg master named Kinderman and the lead FBI agent. He has some feelings about Kinderman. I did take that clip. This is Christ. Kinderman, you son of a bitch. Kimmerman, you son of a bitch. Everyone of a certain age knows Kinderman.

He was the guy from Lethal Weapon 2 that goes diplomatic immunity. And so he plays that. exact character here, like a far too powerful bureaucrat who cares nothing for other humans. So again, it doesn't mean it's a lethal weapon too, but I'm saying that there is a huge element of lethal weapon too just mashed into this movie that's already all those other things we've mentioned. You know, like this character probably wasn't in the script until they found out this guy was available and they're like, just put him in. Who is he?

He's lethal weapon too. I think that was his name. Yeah, we could have used more lethal weapon, too. So Martin Cove is kind of stuck alone now without his backup, and he's just dieharding through the hospital, avoiding terrorists. He goes into all the air ducts, so you're like, oh, die hard. He's got air ducts. Yep.

He lives in those fucking crawl spaces. He just keeps popping in there, and they'll do another 10, 15 minutes of him crawling around. Yeah, he really knows him like an architect would, huh? Yeah. They pick the right guy. They unfroes the right guy. We do cut back to the FBI agent. He has some feelings about Romulus too.

Romulus, you son of a bitch. I'm sorry I spoiled. Jimmy cut it earlier when I spoiled the bit. There's a line that he has, I think, around here where, like there's another FBI guy who's like, oh, you think if we pulled this off, there'll be a nice big bonus for us. And his response is, I think if we pull this off, we'll be lucky to keep what's left of our nuts. What are you talking about?

I have that in my notes. I bet Brockway took a clip of that. I did not take a clip of that, but it raises a lot of questions. First of all, so your nuts are already mostly gone. Right. Second of all, you forgot to mention, they all kind of high five after that. You're like, what? Yeah.

That's not a cool high five moment. I like here, because they start to figure out he's a robot. Because back at HQ, they're like, oh, this guy's Romulus Shadow Chaser from the Romulus the shadow chaser program. And then some other guy, so they decided he's a robot, but then some other guy in the labs like chimes in, hey, guys,

audio analysis indicates his voice is like beyond human vocal cords. No man can make the voice that deep. I loved that so much I wrote down. It doesn't do anything. He doesn't do anything. He doesn't like speech to dogs or anything. Nope. He just kind of talks like this.

He's just doing a shack impression. Really racist, if you ask me. Yeah, he's not allowed to do the voice. Nobody's allowed to do the voice. So Meg Foster, she escapes, she's up in the air ducts. Everybody's just up in the air ducts like rodents. I'm going to say the rest of the movie. The rest of the movie, yeah.

Martin Cove somehow gets a hold of the FBI on a video conference. I'm not sure how we manage that from the air ducts. And he does tell them that he's the wrong guy. Yeah. And the FBI agent in charge, he starts telling him like, well, don't fuck around. Don't jeopardize the mission. But Martin Cove doesn't want to hear it. And then one of the agents, the agent like monitoring the call goes, oh, he's gone.

Only it was a video call. So we actually saw, we saw him leave. Yeah, we saw him leave. I think you left that important thing where for a while, the FBI guy calls him by the wrong name. After he learns, it's the wrong name. He's like, I shut the fuck up. You're Dixon still. I'm going to keep calling you Dixon.

And then I don't know if he gave up on that or forgot, but he does call up to Silva at the end of the conversation. It's fantastic. I'm confused. Everybody's confused about what's happening in this movie. Was it necessary for Martin Cove to be the wrong guy at all? Right. No, 100% not. It adds nothing.

And he's already told everybody. It's like act one and he's already told everybody. Yeah, this should be like this big reveal, but no. I mean, he did his very first scene, he told them, I'm not that guy. And they just didn't listen. And now he's like, okay, well, I'm spoiling the reveal. If you're doing the wrong guy thing in an action movie, in a diehard, then what you do is have them file this some badass Sylvester Stallone guy,

but then it's actually some fucking nerd and then he has to do it. Like it's not, oh, he's not the architect. Oh, God, what have we done? It even works reversed if you're like, oh, we thought we got the nerd, but luckily we got the right guy who was a total badass. But he's not even a total badass in this movie. Like he just fucks up constantly. It's like, we thought we got, we were.

getting an ordinary guy, but no, we got a different ordinary guy. Like, why does that matter? Yeah, he's kind of a flash, Gordon. Like, stuff kind of works out for him. But he's also like a, what was that Dabney Coleman movie where he's trying to die? He's kind of a Dabney Coleman trying to die. Like, every fight is just suicidal decisions. And it's only because all of the terrorists are also really incompetent.

Like every fight scene is just everybody being as incompetent as possible. and it sort of works for Martin Coe. Yeah. Just because he's like five percent luckier than the terrorists. And that's it. That's all there is to it. So we do learn who we really is and he is a former NFL player again, just like he was in Judge and Jerry.

When they pull his file, it's just a Martin Cove headshot from 10 years earlier. And then it's double-sided copy paper. And on the other side, flip to the other way is like all of the information about him being from the NFL. It is a weird movie prop is my point. Wait, do you know what this means, though? He's there in the tube prison because he killed a redneck in a bar and claimed self-defense. So he's there for a manslaughter charge, which means this is also kind of a con air.

It's kind of a con air, yeah. Also, they put you in the cryo tube for manslaughter? Yeah, it seems pretty severe. He must have killed the shit out of that guy. Like, he must have done some stuff to that guy. he's just like 40 minutes later punching his head into the pool table. Don't you ever bump into me in the fucking bathroom? Like, okay.

Okay. I have, all right. I have a Martin Cove theory. I think the reason he's an NFL player in so many movies is it's kind of like, it's kind of like how every movie feels the need to explain why Van Dam has that accent. Like they can never just be like guy with an accent. It has to be like, well, he's, he's a cop from Quebec.

He's from New Orleans. He's French or whatever. Like, they always explain it. I think every movie feels the need to explain why Martin Coe's face looks like that. They're like, he's a hockey goalie. He's a football player. He was just in a real bad car crash. You know, Street Fighter didn't explain.

Street Fighter is the one where we needed to understand why the American Air Force guy talked like that. And they just didn't bother. Like, no, man. Giles just, he talked like this. Giles kind of a New Orleans name. I don't know. I don't know anything about him. At this point, Meg Foster escapes into the men's room, and Martin Cove is like watching that particular men's room. She gets a hold of the bad guy's Uzi because he comes in, like,

looking at every stall, classic movie scene. Then she like bashes him with a toilet lid and takes his Uzi, but like, can't shoot it. She's like, I know how to fucking shoot a gun, but she does not. She shoots everything in that room except Martin Cove and this guy. Full cartoon. Full cartoon. There's no reason for this at all, but they cut back. and there's like this henchman that's bullying the Argyle guy and the woman he's been sexually harassing. And he starts to get all sex crimey on her. You're like, this woman cannot catch a break. Every woman, every man she meets in this script is just a fucking letcherous pest.

And then Martin Cove jumps down and kills him with defibrillator pads. I found it interesting that he jumped down to save her, but he did not jump down to save Meg Foster in the bathroom. Because she, she shot that gun all over the place until it was empty and then was just like, whoops, I'm captive again. And Martin Cove just, you're expecting him because they're showing him in the events. You're like, oh, here he's going to get involved. And he's like, nope, not this one. Not this one.

But then like the next scene, he gets involved. It makes no sense. But then he jumps back into the crawl space. He's like, okay, at first you're like, oh, cool, he's got some defibrillator pads. It's take out these bad guys. Nope. Back to running around like a rat in the ceiling. Yeah, jumps back.

Got to get back in that crawl space. That's where I feel most comfortable. Okay, so he's in the crawl space. They throw a grenade in after him. And here's, I mentioned this before in the judge and jury podcast. But like, here's what I mean when I say like a big part of being an action hero is just making convincing noises like during the action scenes like grunts and and yells. It's not going to be in the script, but you have to be like convincing reacting to a hit or jumping out or just running away from an explosion. So here's what I mean about Martin Cove.

Here's Martin Cove reacting to realizing a grenade has just. landed directly behind him and he's trapped in a crawl space with it. God, it reminds me of that Brian Eno story about him and David Byrne getting mugged in New York. Yes. And he just sees David Byrne getting dragged off and he's like, uh-oh. I love that story. Very much of the Martin Cove reaction. Whoa.

Like, no, it's we're not, it's isn't, you're not on a. a mind cart in a in a comedy adventure like i hope i have the presence of mind to say uh-oh like like david burn when i'm pulled into a bush to be murdered so he uh martin cove gets in like a run and gun battle with a terrorist and he gets cornered and he gets cornered and he's like in a in a vent up against a great and the terrorist is on the only other opening just a straight shot but the terrorist for some reason can't hit him uh like 30 feet away looks like about 30 feet away yeah it's I don't get it at all. Nobody in this movie can shoot a gunstreet.

Yes. He wins the gunfight because the terrorist forgets about the concept of reloading. Like Martin Cove shoots at him some and then runs out of bullets and the terrorist leans out and is like, ha, ha, ha. And then Martin Cove just puts another clip in and shoots him. Just in pure incompetence on the terrorist part. Yeah. And now we like have that chase through the Alien 3 pipe maze and nobody can catch Martin Cove.

But he's like only eight or nine feet ahead of them the whole time. And then he stops and shoots a fan and the bad guys are like, ha ha, he shot his gun. Now we've got him. I'm like, what the fuck? He's been like within touching distance this whole time. I don't know.

It's such a strange fucking movie. So he escapes them for now. And then they do the high stakes like walkie talky conversation. Just the kind of a modified Ellis bit from Diehard where like Romulus is going to kill a hostage. And Martin Cove is radioing being like, hey, I'm the man you want. listen to him, don't do this, man, don't do this. And he kills the hostage anyway, like almost,

almost beat for beat the same scene. Yeah. Because Paul Coslow, the FBI guy, is talking to the cyborg and he thinks he can get out of it with the technicality. He's like, no, dude, that guy doesn't work for me. I mean, I sure, I brought him here to kill you, but he's a football guy, not an architect. It's a long, I guess it's not a long story. I'm done telling it. But like,

it's flawless logic, right? When then Martin Cove comes on and does the John McLean thing, like, hey, dickhead, don't kill a girl, you fucking pussy. what are you scared you scared of me and then he kills the girl and everyone's like martin code that's your fault and they kind of a point but also the FBI guy was like I think looking for somebody to blame kind of finally arrives the evil like scientists who made the robot and he's taking over the whole FBI like operation kicks everyone out except for like the three main agents and now it's the it's kinderman's show and then he explains to them the whole top

secret cyborg project. Like all lays it all out. Like I made this guy. He escaped. You're not allowed to tell anybody about this. And then at the end, he tells all of this to Martin Cove. And they're like, why does Martin Cove need to know this? And then the end, he ends the speech to Martin Cove by saying, and that's why you should stay out of his way. All of that. He revealed the whole top secret operation to the whole thing, to a rogue element to what they now know is a is a convict prison football player. She's some football guy. I really like their dynamic, too,

because Martin Cove is like, ah, you dumb fuck, you stupid bitch, you lost your stupid robot toy. And then he's like, ah, your perspicacity amuses me to no end, gruff every man. And you're like, back and forth like that so long.

It's one of the best. So Martin Cove sneaks into Meg Foster's room where she was re-kidnapped. She gets the drop on him, just takes out Martin Cove. It just really serves to illustrate how bad he is at this. And they're going to escape, but Meg Foster insists on changing first for no reason.

And what she changes into is just a full evening gown with high heels. Just a beautiful evening gown. Yeah, I love it. He tries to get her to, like, lose the high-heeled shoes, at least. And she gives him this little lecture about how competent she is at everything. Like, I've had extensive training in horse riding and archery and fencing. And the last thing she says is and rifling. but like literally the last scene she was in

was her not being able to handle a gun. Just thought she could sneak that in. She's like all assertiveness and no competence, but you're kind of leaving out an important part where he like throws her on the bed to tear her shoes off. And it is, I think, intentioned to be sexually charged. But the chemistry between Martin Coe and Meg Foster is, I don't know, clinical.

It's like non-existence. He shushes her with a finger and then she bites it and it's supposed to be sexy, but it's really like, this is fucking gross. Like, what are we looking at? But it goes on for probably a minute and a half of him like on top of her on a bed and they're supposed to be like, oh, are they going to fuck? But no, no one thinks they're going to fuck. Especially when she bites his visibly filthy Frankenstein finger, just covered in vent filth. Yeah. Like, let me put that in my mouth.

They had to cut like eight minutes of her puking. Okay, I have a theory, though, about why this character is this way. Mm-hmm. If she's the president's daughter, maybe she did do all of those things, but she was just fucking terrible at them. And everyone was just like, oh, yeah, you're the best at archery and horseback riding and gun stuff. You're so good at this. And she's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then gets into a situation where she has to use a gun and it doesn't go well. And she fucks it up, yeah. Yeah, we never get to see her fence, but she's, probably a shit fencer. I bet she can't ride a horse for shit either. Fucking Meg Foster. She's a master of toilet lid and nothing else. And she can put any finger in her mouth without dying.

I think she probably coated her mouth with Vaseline first. Wouldn't you? I mean, just a protective layer. Yeah. You see Martin Coe coming. You're like, oh, I got to protect all my holes with Vaseline. That's gross. Jamie cut that one.

So the evil Dr. Kinderman, he tells the robot, he tells Romulus, like, steals the walkie-talkie way from the FBI guys and says like Martin Coe has the president's daughter like just tipping him off and uh and they they run from them and they do a little bit where uh they hide from one of the terrorists and Meg Foster tears a grenade off of Martin Cove's belt and throws it but she doesn't pull the pin more evidence that she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing yeah that she's totally incompetent and then the the terrorist then says hey asshole you're supposed to pull the pin out so Martin Cove gets another grenade pulls the pin out throws it at him and he explodes. He just stands there and explodes. That's what I mean.

Like that's such a perfect illustration of like nobody knew what they were doing. The terrorist didn't know. She didn't know. He didn't know. It's just all bubbling. And like just the little like 2% comes out ahead. Yes. This is again, that 2% extra cove luck. But to make it weirder, she, Meg Foster looks at Martin Cove like he's the asshole here. Like she's the one who threw the the grenade that didn't do anything. And she looks at him like, you fucking idiot. And I thought that was strange. Most of my notes is like, this is not really a point. It's just like, what the fuck? I mean, that's most of the movie. It's just like, it's not. Yeah, I just needed to say it. If you watch this movie and you watch it in like an art festival or something like that,

and then at the end, they were like, and this is, these are like the two teenagers that managed to cut together this movie from like little bits of all the other action movies that you love. You'd be like, oh, okay, that was kind of neat how they. It almost made sense. That almost worked. It almost made a movie. It's a good try. That's just what it feels like. I don't think this is all from the same movie. I would never believe you. Yeah. In a way, it's just kind of every trope because the next thing that happens is she won't climb a ladder because she doesn't want him to see her underpants. So she's like, I can't climb in an evening gown. I guess we lose the movie because I can't get up this ladder.

But again, it feels like it's just all these tropes from other things you've seen. Yeah, but none of them done, right? Like it just, yeah, it's. It just feels like aliens creating an action movie based on synthesizing, like, every 80s action movie ever created. I think you just described expendables four, but yeah. In your face, expendables four. Thank God they're back home in the air vents. Safe in the vents. Safe in the vents.

And they decide they're just going to hang out there, which is like, fair enough. They're not going to find you. Like, they get lost in this vast, elaborate of air vents. It leads to one of the strangest things, maybe ever put in a script where Martin Cove decides to stop in the middle of the action movie to take a nap. And again, he's been sleeping for two years. And he says this. He reminds the viewers like, yeah, I only had two years of sleep. I got to fucking get a nap. And while he's sleeping, Meg Foster recognizes him from the New Orleans Saints. She's like, you're number four. As if she doesn't know his fucking name. She only knows his player number,

which becomes stranger because then she says you're that third string quarterback who ran more than a hundred yards in the fourth quarter and has a lot of notes on how he could have like made those plays better. She has a photographic memory of like the passing lanes from the plays in that game but doesn't remember his name. I'm not kidding about the passing lanes. She's like you should have thrown it to fucking Sterling. He was wide open on the four. And he's like, no, he wasn't. He was covered. And he says the name of the person covering him. And she has notes on that. That's the fucking minutia. been perfect if she had said like that whole spiel and he was just like, what the fuck are you

talking about lady? Like none of that is true. What? I wasn't a football player. What is, what are you saying? I played hockey. Look at this face. I obviously played hockey. So Martin Cove realizes like, wait a minute, the terrorist booby-traped all the exits. They have to be flying out of here. He doesn't say that though. He just says booby-trap, booby-trap, booby-trap. And it gives him an idea. doesn't tell us. I think we can all relate to boobies giving us a good idea. But we cut to the FBI agents who like overhear somebody on the radio talking about the helicopter that's going to come get them. So you're like, he's right. The only way out of this building they establish here is like everything's booby trap.

The only way out, they're going to have to like get to that helicopter, which is, you know, same as it's diehard. It's diehard thing again. It's diehard. Right. Yeah, the guy in the radio is like, hey, we'll come there with the helicopter. Or he says like Project Chicken Hawk. And they're like, chicken hawk. That means helicopter. Like, oh, okay, so they're going to use a helicopter. Oh, okay. Did we need any of that?

Like, yeah, they just were very explicit that like, they really rubbed it in. The only way out is the helicopter thing now. So, we're going to do this helicopter thing now. So the next scene is Meg Foster. She gets a drop on the, the same terrorist from the bathroom. She jumps out with the gun and he's like, okay, I know you can't shoot that gun. But it's all a ploy so that Martin Cove can run cutely up behind him with a gurney and do like a fat boy's bit.

Yep. He pushes him into the gurney. Disorderlies. I like what he shoves him into, though, because it's an exploding wall. He shoves him into the exploding wall. My only question is, why didn't Martin Cove just jump out with the gun? That would have been better, and less noisy and safer. What?

Why was that whole plan? And it wouldn't have needlessly endangered the president's daughter? That's all they needed to do. So they finally make it to the elevator, which is the only way out of here. and he's going to send Meg Foster down. So we can just leave in an elevator now. Well, they blew up all the elevator bombs, I guess. They used that henchman to blow up all the elevator bombs.

We just established the helicopter was the only way to get out of here in the last two scenes. And now it's, well, well, if we blow up all the bombs with the terrorists. Yeah. With the terrorists. Yeah. We free the elevator to send her down. So he's going to send her down, but she chooses to stay with him. And he's like, yeah, I expected that.

Makes sense. Yeah, let's do this. Let's fucking die hard together. I like the FBI guy here because he's like, you send her down. And he's like, you bring her down here. I'll buy you the biggest damn beer you ever saw. That's a fucking weird thing to say. When he says, like, when COVID's like, I've got the president's daughter,

Trevane is like, yeah. Like, he won a baseball game. Yeah. Yeah. Like. Cove and Meg Foster go out. They rescue the rest of the hostages. I actually forgot about Argyle.

They just stopped. mentioning that guy wisely. But he's in here. He gets a gun. They send them all down on this elevator and Romulus shows up, cyborg shows up and starts shooting everybody in their extremities. Shoot somebody in the leg and the arm, just all non-lethal shots.

And Meg Foster finally gets that same gun and she manages to control it enough to shoot Romulus and he falls. And like, I guess that's her character arc is like she learned to control recoil. She learned out of control. Yeah, that's a great arc. Yeah, so he just gets right back up because he's a cyborg. And where do they go? You know they go in those fucking...

Get back in them, ducks, boy. There's a... When they're limping away from him, he's like super chill. He's kind of chasing him like Jason. He's just sort of strolling after him. But like, they do a POV shot of him kind of zipping his head around and it. It's like, whoop, beep, beep, beep. Just like for two seconds.

Yeah. Just... He just starts making robot noises halfway through the movie. Like, he's not doing that until... Now he makes robot noises whenever. He wasn't doing that before. Also, the editing here is so funny. Like there is this one sequence where they're running away and then he smashes his head

through a wall and just says going somewhere. And then they immediately cut to them running somewhere else. Like it's a music video or like Scooby Do or something. It's like just unbelievable. It's bizarre. It's very. This is what I was talking about earlier when I said like it starts being directed like music video. This is like, it feels like a Duran Duran video. It's just like fog machines and backlights

and then they'll be running down a hallway and then it'll cut to them like in a room and then it'll cut to them like back in the ducks again. There's no connecting shots between things. I guess it's sort of a montage. I think this is they had a different bad guy and they replaced them with this cyborg and so everything from here on out in the movie is just patched together with whatever fucking pickup shots they had. So eventually he burst through the floor this time and he just kind of, he tremors Meg Foster. He just grabs her and snicks her down under the floor. Because the actor was not available. That's true. He was not present in that scene. And Martin Coe just kind of watches it happen. And then once he gets her through the floor,

Martin Coe's like, well, it was a good game. She got grab-oaded. Yeah, he doesn't go under. He's like, no, I'm not going down there. And he just lets it go. He doesn't. So Romulus now demands the president of the United States himself bring the money, the $50 million. and evil robot genius kinderman gives the FBI agent a special explosive dart that gives all Androids embolisms Yeah, his weakness is you shoot him in the head with an exploding bullet and that's fucking So stupid A special bullet that I designed as the guy who specifically does not ever want to kill androids and I'm gonna give it to you

The president does pull up and they give a they give his bodyguard the dart and they take the elevator back up up and they're about to make the switch when kinderman turns on them suddenly and he shoots the bodyguard that has the magic dart now and then he gives uh the speech that explains why he's doing this speech our enemies are been laughing at us laughing at the new america the soft america many of us do not share your vision mr president so that when you step down from office You will make a way for a stronger government, one that wants to see this country berate again. He's fucking crazy. He's mega.

He's 992's dumbest idea for a villain is like our current president. Like America's too well. We're going to make things great again. It's like a fucking winning political message now. He even looks like Trump and the real president looks like Joe Biden. Yeah. It's incredible. It's pretty incredible.

This movie is everything. It's even reality. It's even 5% reality. It's even most of our reality. They remix it with reality. So now the demand is not for the money, it's for the president to quit being president. Like now that we've got you here, quit being president, to which case you would just say like, sure, right? Why wouldn't you say, yeah, okay?

And then go home. Right. I'd be like, well, no, I'm not going to do that. But of course he says no, and he kills the president. And then kinderman tells Romulus killed the girl. And you're like, oh, no, Meg Foster. But he kills the other blonde terrorist lady, who I guess was never, never a robot. Right.

What? She just liked his style. Like. She just, yeah, she just was like a little brother. She's just like the little kid from Mr. T. Adventures. It's like. She's the dog from Mr. T. Adventures. She got the same haircut as the guy.

doesn't talk and doesn't do anything. Well, the little kid is that too. There's a little kid that's the dog's master. So they're both trying to be Mr. T. Oh, God. By now, everyone in that cartoon must be Mr. T, right, after all these years? Oh, no. I think it's interesting, though, that you compared her to the dog.

I do think that's interesting. Yeah. We were talking about the bad editing, but, like, instantly, Martin Cove is there in the same room, like, looking at the aftermath of all this. Like, there's no passage of time. He's just there. and we have to figure out as the scene unfolds, oh, this is at least minutes later.

Where did you go? Like, you let the cyborg take her, and we're like, that's it for me. And then you just wander back into the movie after like 10 minutes. What were you doing? He's taking a nap in the vents. He probably took a nap in the vents, yeah.

Martin Coe finds that all the booby traps, all the bombs have been reset. The building is going to explode in 15 minutes. And so he kind of, he kind of MacGyver's Maybe he A-teams. He A-teams like up a little trap. It's not quite smart enough for a MacGyver. And then he goads Romulus into chasing him through the building.

And Robulus uses all of his impeccable cyborg technology to shoot wildly and miss every shot until his gun is empty. Every shot. So Martin Cove's plan is to like run behind shit like a little imp and then make fun of him. So he's like, you can't hit me. One time he says, my grandmother can shoot better than that. she's dead. I'm like, that's, what the fuck? So I think they just told him to add lib a bunch of stupid lines.

At one point, he just jumps on top of a desk and runs across the desk in the same office room as the robot and the robot can't hit him. The robot is actually worse with a gun than Meg Foster. Yeah. He spent too much time on the dick and not enough time on shooting a gun. That's dick looks great though. Is there such a thing? It's too much time on the dick?

I don't think that's true. I mean, I'm not a robot scientist. I just think it's really fascinating how the incompetence... At a certain point, you come into the robot lab, you're like, guys, you have spent too much time on the dick. This thing does need to shoot a gun. No, there was no time for that, because it can't. It can't shoot a gun is the end of this movie. Martin Cove tells himself, this is one touchdown you can't afford to miss.

And then he leaps up and he uses his football powers to harpoon the Terminator into an elevator shaft. So this is the second movie where Martin Cove uses football powers to save the day. He even says, before he, like, throws the harpoon. It is a harpoon. It is a fucking spear with a rope attached. Yeah, where did that come from? A harpoon scientist would call this a harpoon.

I said save the day, but it doesn't. It doesn't even kind of work. It just inconveniences, Romulus. Like, it knocks him into the elevator and then he opens the door again. And Martin Cove, like, chops his hand with an axe. And then he opens the door again. And it's like, okay, I'm a robot. It's worth mentioning again that they've had a fist fight.

They've shot at each other. They've chased each other through the best. building. He's now thrown a harpoon to this guy and dragged him down an elevator shaft. Never once did these two actors appear in the same shot together. It's true. Then he tries to stab, he tries to stab Romulus the robot with a scalpel. Then he sprays him with what looks like milk. And then he washes that milk off with water. Weird choice. And then he lights the watery milk on fire and it burns Romulus. He's just trying things. He's just trying things out. You know, like, oh, maybe, uh, oh, the foam isn't work. Maybe he's allergic to water. Maybe he gets wet. He shorts, no, that didn't do it. All right,

fire, opposite of water, could be his weakness. He's a steel type. I don't know. Why does he burst into flames? All you've done is cover him with milk and water. But this is what works. It's like a final fight rule. He's just kind of hitting him with every environmental hazard in the scene. Evil Kinderman robot scientist is escaping with President's daughter, Meg Foster in the helicopter. Only they, the helicopter door opens and it's full of all the FBI agents. And Martin Cove just runs out and instantly kills him with a scalpel. Yep.

Throws it right in his head like fucking bullseye. Another of those football skills? It's transferable. I guess. I guess. I mean, yeah, it makes a kind of sense. I allow it. I said, see, Meg Foster here is being held with his gun hand while he holds the $50 million

with his other hand. This would have been a good opportunity for her to like do any of her. combat sports on him. Her karate, her fencing, her horseback riding even. This would have been a great opportunity for her to just do anything. And she didn't. So the building's exploding. They're up on the roof.

They go to jump on the helicopter. Martin Cove jumps on one of the landing skis. We're really stealing that last like icon shot from Die Hard, helicopter flying around in the explosions on the high rise. And just as they're about to get away, Romulus jumps out of the burning building to completely, miss the helicopter. Just misses. Just misses. They don't dodge. They don't

pull away. Cove doesn't punch him to change his trajectory. He just whiffs it. He just whiffs. I have a theory about this part. I could have sworn because when you set a Terminator on fire, what do you get? You get a

terminator, a skeleton walking around. Skinless Terminator. A shitty stop motion terminator. And I think that was the original plan, but they were just like, we don't have the money to do. Are you fucking nuts? like no we just have to film a shot of the Terminator just on fire totally unrecognizable because we don't have the guy and then just set him on fire and throw him at the building and he explodes that's the end but like at least have Martin Cove like I don't kick him away yeah have him grab his ankle anything throw a football at him like hey touchdown and kicks him kick him away you know air bowled his own body this gunning robot with like all the all the spatial recognition of a machine and he he's just like, once again, totally incompetent. And then as he falls to his death, he also explodes.

I like that. Just to make sure. Like, no, he's not coming back for Project Shadow Chaser 2. But there is a Project Shadow Chaser, too. We're not getting the robot arms shoots out of the wreckage at the end of the movie. They just sort of gave up on all of that stuff at this point. I don't know. We just got to wrap this up.

We've only got the Alien 3 set for another three hours. Speaking of wrapping up, I loved when they got out, like Martin Cove gets out and he kisses the ground and says touchdown. Of course, I have a clip of that. Oh, thank you. Touchdown! Sorry, I pronounced it. Touchdown! I like that they have an audience clapping?

Is that like in his head because he thinks it's football or is that all of the like survivors? They've explained to all the people getting pelted by exploding building and Android. that like something, there's some diehard shit going on in there. And unfrozen Martin Cove took care of it. Like, they all know the deal. They're waiting for their hero to land. Meg Foster's dad just died in front of her. The president of the United States.

And she is just like, I think the script is calling for her to fall in love with Martin Cove, but she just can't muster the facial expression. So she's just staring at him. There's a twist coming, I guess. We're stealing one more shot from Diehard here. The whole end shot where they come, you know, limping out of the skyscraper and all of the EMT services are all kind of gathered. around as people recover. It's a big scene of chaos.

And then the FBI agent reveals that the real president is alive. What does he say? He says like, I've got someone I want you to meet. Yes. Not your dad is alive. Don't worry. I thought you said he was dead. Kinderman? He never had a monopoly on Android research.

You son of a bitch. His own line back at him. His own line back at him. That's the best surprise ending, maybe in any movie. You had a president android? It's your not dead dad. You watched an android die. They had a president android.

They had a president android just in case. What's even crazier is that the sex pest throws Martin Cove a beer and has the girl, the girl is into him now. Like the hostage situation where he kind of was worse than useless. Like he almost got them killed a couple times after sexually. harassing her for presumably their whole life up until this point. She's like, hell yeah, this is the guy for me. I, okay, that part sucks.

But I want to say, I really like the idea of like, this is the American Jackie Chan freeze frame is almost every movie should end with somebody throw in the lead action hero guy a beer. And then they pan over to the guy that threw the beer, the sidekick or whatever. He cracks his own beer. Yeah. Everybody just cracks a cold one. Specifically, a bud, too.

Yeah. Delicious regular Budweiser. What's the last scene in the movie is they crack a beer? And then Martin Cove does pour it over his head and kind of ruin the moment. He's been saying all movie, he wanted a beer over his head. He's like, God damn it, I could really go for a cold one over my head. You pull this one off. I'll buy you the biggest goddamn cold one over your head that you've ever seen.

I'll give you a full beer shower, you son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. 100 Frankfurt He's welcome to the 1-900 Hot Dog Stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight. The insult comic with class Lord Jimathan Jigglesworth. Oh, ha, thank you, thank you. That's quite enough, though I should say, flattery, we'll get you everywhere. Aho, what a supreme audience we have tonight.

I recognize a lot of faces, though they were. might not like me saying that oh oh i see aaron crossden here a peacock in everything but beauty oh uh adrian h i see adrian h here alex nolanberg alpha scientist javo unandi armando navarmodo armbandrottom armstrong berg oh i see brandon garlock he has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen are never remembered uh Brian Sailor, Brockway famously loves the meat millie, a little too much if you know what I mean. Cyril. Christopher Worthing, I am told pork packing is the most valued profession in America. Tell your mother, I said thank you for your service.

Oh, I'm so naughty. Common sense, I see Greg Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schell. Popularity is the only insult that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. Oh! A Delta Fox Trot. I see Devin the Rogue Supreme here. I see Dusty's rad title and Elizabeth Shope. Elliot Watson is said that he can talk brilliantly upon any subject,

provided that he knows nothing about it. Oh! Oh, oh, oh. Eric Christianberg is here. Fancy shark. Jellahoeho. Hello, good Satan and his hard witches. I see you there. Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham is an excellent man.

He has no enemies and none of his friends like him. Oh, oh, I slay, I truly do. A haraka, Harvey Pengweeney, honk. I have here, I want, I want Brockway to say Dyke, which I'm allowed to do because this accent might be Dutch or something. You don't know. Jabar Al Aden James Boyd

Jared Clack Jared Mountain Man It's the perfect man Always dull And usually violent Oh Jared Ruiz John Deebate

John McCabin John Minkov A lot of John's here tonight You know what I'm saying Josh Quicksall It is said Some cause happiness Wherever they go

Others Whenever they go But no really Go fuck yourself Josh Quicksolve, you know what you did. Joshua Graves. Justin B. Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book.

Give her a few minutes, folks. She'll get it. Ken Paisley. K&M. I see KVH. I see Elaine Haygood here. Lisa. Oh, she seems like a good citizen.

Or a faithful wife. Or something else equally tedious. Oh! M. Jahi Chappelle. Mark Mahoney. Matt Riley, Max Broy, I see Mercenary Sissidman here, Michael Lair, Mickey Lohman, oh Mickey Lohman, such keen student, always ready to give his betters the full benefits of his inexperience.

Oh-hoo! Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N. D. Neil Bailey, Neil, they say there is no sin, except stupidity, so tell the devil I said, Hello! Oh, fuck you, Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer, Naku-104, Nick Levino, obsolete. Ogiwan Supreme is like the best art.

All style, unpolluted by sincerity. Uh-ho. I'm told One Ball Inn has been received in all the great houses. Or once. I kid. I actually like One Ball Inn. Henri Weevil, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst. I see Peewey's uncle here with Rebrandrew and Red Wine Time.

Rianin, hello Rihannan. Russell Bauman, oh, Russell Bauman, everybody. You seem, Russell, you seem the kind of person who's brilliant at breakfast. No, don't get that one? Go team up with Katie Faville. Maybe you two can figure yours out together. Sam Coppnik, Sarkovsky. Sean Chase, Seed!

Space Jam fan, I may not agree with you, but I shall defend to the death. You're right to be a dipshit. Spotty reception, Supernought, Tate stays, Ted H. Thomas, Thomas is such a good friend, he will always stab you in the front air. Thomas Cavatzos, Timmy Leahy, Toasty Gun, I see Tommy G here. Velo. Velo is the kind of person who deprives one of solitude without providing one with company. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that one was bad. Victor Malavankan, Booster, Whalen Russell. I see a Von Klappam here.

Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language. As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm. And as a weener, he is everything but plump. Oh, ha, ha, ho! I kid, of course. Thank you, thank you all. I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths calls wrinkled.

Oh, no, but seriously, folks, truth is everything. Stay true. One must always strive to be true to what they are, even if what they are is a nasty little cunt. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!