The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 276, Round the Twist with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

We're going to jail. We're all going to jail. Did you click on the thumbnail? Jail. Please put money on the books of Lydia Bugg, Seanbaby, and Robert Brockway, care of: Jail.

Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1-900 Hot Dog America's Final Comedy website. I'm cock spinning Robert Brockway and with me is Dick Driving Sean Baby. Not, I'm not that guy. I don't know what that name was. You said. Nope. The person known as Sean Baby is legally not here for this podcast. He's here. He's here. We're all here. We're all using our legal full names. And our guest today, she's a lady who can't keep a secret, especially when it comes to whirling dogs. It's Lydia Bug. No, this is Jason Pargin, award-winning author from New York Times.

I have a book coming out. It's about crabs or something. I should allow that, but I'm not going to. We can prove it's you with voice authentication. Damn it. Damn it. So what kind of work do you want associated with the things we're about to talk about, Lydia? I have a column every Monday on 1-900 hotdog.com.

So definitely check that out. I get to write about things like the other day, you guys let me write about how I think there's a, I have a conspiracy theory that Taco Bell is hiring people to be fake influencers for Taco Bell. No one else would allow me to write that. That's true. Taco Bell would have had you killed at any other media outlet, but we're somehow insulated. It's for sure, true, though.

Like, there's no question that guy was a plan, right? Like, I feel like your journalism proved that. I think so. And I mean, all of the other people that I said were maybe plants all showed up in the comments of the Instagram video I made about that. To defend themselves? What did they say? They just kind of said, ha, ha, ha, it's so funny that you would think that. Oh, my God.

Why would you think that? What's your address? Notice I'm not outright to dying. The claim. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay, three to one, let's all say what we're afraid of. Like, the things that would keep us from legally speaking out about stuff. Yeah.

Being made into Chalupa. Oh, I thought we were really doing it. It just so happens you have the perfect fear. Okay, Sean, what do you want to, what do you want to plug that legally ties you to this podcast? One 900 Hot Dogg. It's great. It's like where all the final remaining comedy writers go to write, uh, to write, uh, jokes made out of text and images, which is this old-timey thing we used to do.

It's so good. It's like when social media was funny, but take away like all of the go-fund-mys and like political crap. It's just like, what if everything was jokes? What if you could go to a place every day and the whole thing was jokes? And you go to our Patreon and you give us like a weirdly small amount of money and then you get jokes every day. It's crazy that we're laying on one's doing it.

I would like to add a little something to your plug. We've recently changed the front page. If you go to 1,900 hotdog.com. You go to patreon.com slash 1,900 hotdog if you want to sign up and support us. But go to 1,900 hotdog.com. And we've had our brilliant lockmaster, Thomas. Of course, changed the front page so that if you're not logged in, it just gives you every free article. So it functions, it functions now with our massive, massive backlog, just like cracked or something.

You don't have to log in. You don't have to do anything. You go there. Everything's free. You just click on stuff and read articles. I think there's over a couple thousand now. Yeah, it's got to be so many. Free ones, like you wouldn't even get through the free ones.

We're never going to make money ever again. I don't know. It's good for you, listener. There's no ads. We're not monetizing in any way. There's a little button that's like, hey, if you want to sign up, it's here, but there's no pop-ups, nothing like that. You could just go like it's 2005 and read funny stuff on the internet, and nobody will assume to about anything. God, you're so lucky listeners.

Okay, okay, it's my turn. It turns out I'm no longer legally obligated to promote my new book. Yay. What are you going to do instead? I don't know. Live? Just live, man. Just fucking live.

I think I'm going to learn to jet ski. Is that something you have to learn to do? I feel like it's something you could just hop on. The stand-up ones might take you a few minutes, but the sit-down one's like, you can get plastered drunk on those, not even fall off. Probably. Although, you know, if you sit on a jet ski wrong, the jet ski stream can go up your butthole and rip up your insides. So, find back to that one. That's a rock and roll way to die, though.

Yeah. Just maybe don't be drunk. That's what I'm drinking. Did she get one of those jet ski jet packs? Those will take you like an hour to like get the hang of. But you'll, it's still something you learn in an afternoon. It's not like a,

you don't go to. Lydia? Yeah. School for it. How do you get those to go up your butt hole? Do you know for that one? Or is it just Jetskis? I saw a TikTok about it where a girl was like, listen, PSA.

She lived, but it was not good. Oh. She died how she wanted getting fucked by a jet ski. And she was not a ghost. It was a real person. It was a real person. She was, yeah. But just like the top half, right?

Just like a jar, just a talking head. Don't make the same mistake. Glob. Just like a fish pops out of her ear. Yeah. Is this maybe how you make a jet ski centaur? you think? If there's going to be a way, that's probably it.

Like if a jet ski takes your bottom half, doctors will have no choice but to sew the jet ski on. And then boom, you got Jetky Centaur. Will they really have no choice? I think you just fuck a jet ski. I think that's how medicine works. No, no, no. The way I know genealogy, you fuck a jet ski and then one out of every four children will be the right kind of jet ski sentar. The others will be horrible abominations.

Okay, well, tell me how that doesn't count as fucking a jet ski. Like that sounds like she fucked a jet ski Yeah no okay you're right I'm sorry I've horribly just derailed this I think I think that's fine because what we're talking about Let's fuck around the whole time because I don't want to talk about this thing that you made us watch Like I know you can't just bring up like a jet ski can go up your butt hole And then then that's the end of the conversation and and we move on so that's my fault

You have to talk about the jet ski centaurs like It's it's it's a legal obligation at that point. But today we are talking about something. We've got a subject matter. Anybody got anything else to bring up? Fuck, I wish. I don't sadly know.

We're watching Round the Twist. This is an Australian kid's show from the 90s. It won basically every award Australian television had to offer. What? It also won most international children. Awards? No. It ran for only four seasons, but those four seasons were over the span of 10 years.

They had a long production schedule. So they had to replace basically the whole cast three times. Because they aged out and they just were like, no, you have to be young? I think it's your shirt's because they aged out and they weren't like, you know, missing. Yeah. Because the episode you made me watch. Yeah, okay. One more fun fact.

This was rebroadcast around the world. world. It was, you know, broadcast in England for sure because it was personally. So a country with laws saw this episode that you showed us. Yes. It was once personally endorsed by the Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth the second, who did so when she was visiting the set. That's how important it was to her. She made a, the Queen made a visit to the set of this show to endorse it. You're making all this up. Yep, this is all made up. It's crazy, but I'm not.

You told us not to Google it, and I feel like it's so you can mess with us. Yeah. Well, yeah, but that comes later. This part's the true part, and then I mess with you later. Hey, Lydia, he's still lying. It's still part of the bit. It's definitely, he's doing a thing. So the show, the show was kind of, to get general vibe, if anyone remembers, like, Erie

Indiana from a very long time ago was a Nickelodeon show that was. Love that show. Yeah, it was kind of. similar wheelhouse. It was like a like an X-Files light for children. But like comedically, that was that was what they were going for anyway. Round the twist took some took some different turns with that premise. The episode we're talking about today was called whirling durfish.

And it starts with a, I feel like the night, the nightmare soundscape that it starts with like really sets the tone for the episode. So I'm just going to play that. and a few seconds of the absolute fucking banger of a theme song. So. The Queen of England knows what that was, huh? Yeah. The Queen of England loves that.

She flew to Australia to visit the set just so she could say, this kicks ass. Did you say I've seen every episode including this one? Yeah. I especially love this one. Everyone who's seen this episode should be under arrest. That includes the three of us 100%. I agree. Yeah, but I'm already going.

You might as well go with me. So this episode, the general premise of the show is that a family moves to this very strange beach town in Australia. And it's the dad. The dad is an artist. The mom is a firefighter, I think. And then they have three kids who are the main stars of the show. Older brother Pete, much younger brother, Braun or Bronson, and sister Linda. And they get into mishaps around this town that turn out to be mystical or like science fiction type stuff.

And that's just sort of the repeating. It's a twin pigs for kids. Twin pigs for kids is what it is. So this episode, it starts with the youngest child, Braun, going to the bathroom, and the lighthouse they live in starts spinning around on its axis. And he says, it's good to unwind. And then they cut into, you know, the rest of the show.

So this is just a little teaser, and they're doing my favorite thing that I did at the start of this episode of the podcast, which is making a joke based on information you don't have until later. Hmm. Oh. Is that what he was doing? I thought he just, I thought he just took like a massive crap.

It's the whirling durfish, but they haven't introduced that. They don't know what that is. So this was from the future. And then we flashback to the episode. Okay. Yes. It doesn't, I wouldn't say it goes all the way to making sense. But I guess I see what they were going for.

I thought maybe that was just a thing their house did because it's a silly show. Nope, nope. That's for this episode. Now, I do that thing because it's. It's insane and it breaks comedy. Like, you won't know this until like later when you set it up. But by that point, it's too late. And so you're like, okay.

I have to assume they do that for the same reason. Like this is advanced anti-comedy, you think? That's generous. Maybe. I don't like it because it shows intent. It means they thought about it at all, which means they shouldn't have done it. That's true. I think they thought about this episode a lot.

I think there were rewrites. Yeah, this is this is some some tight tightly scripted television. I think that would stand up in court if you wanted to like, if you were, you were using like, your honor, there was a second draft. Yeah. I think that's that's the like, that's your closing argument. Yeah. Prosecution rests. It reminded me of Atlanta's high, but more thought out.

Like, like less random throwaway jokes and more like. intentional story, which is worse in my opinion. Yeah, that's why I brought you. That's why I brought you. It's because you found and enjoyed Atlantis High, and I thought I could show you like, well, here's how it could go wrong. So this episode starts with the two brothers, Bron and Pete of the Twist family. And they are preparing for a big swim race, which I guess is like the Australian equivalent

of like the big bike race or the big dance off or something. just the thing the whole town participates in. Some swim bullies come by. The swim bullies taunt them. I guess they dominate the seas and they're upset that they're being challenged. This like 20-yard patch of sea. Because like the race is like jumping off of a dock and just going to the shore. Swimming to the beach.

Yeah. In a way that like you might just do because you didn't feel like walking along the dock. Like it's just like I'm going to see if I can swim that. but it's like their fucking swim course which seems I don't know It's not like a rough patch of ocean or anything But also their children

So like maybe that's hard Maybe that's hard for them The swim bullies The fume bullies are from the Gribble family Which is the main villains of the series I think that's what they're named I think the parents are like evil real estate agents Which are like I have to give that to them

Real Estate agents Have always struck me as evil Yeah, it's a good evil profession They're closing down the rec center Yeah, I'm pretty sure they have an episode where that happens And it can only be saved with horrible child crimes They probably sold them that spinning lighthouse Probably why they hate them

Yeah, I don't think we mentioned that they do live in a lighthouse They live in a kooky lighthouse That's their house And it spins when you flush the toilet That's fucking crazy Foundational issue for sure Okay, I don't, we're clearly like talking around the thing that happened so I don't want to get to it later, but I think the lighthouse spins

because of the thing that we're going to talk about. We discussed this, and I think you're right. I just don't think it's going to fix itself. I think that's just going to keep doing it. So the younger brother challenges the swim bullies to a race. A bully just whips off his shirt with astonishing speed. It's a little worrisome how quickly he's ready to just strip down. And he leaps into the ocean and they all start swimming.

they're neck and neck. But like the unspoken rule is this race doesn't end until you get up on the beach and run to tag a big trash can. I assume that's Australian rules. And all of this, all of this like overshadows little Braun. This is Pete and like the main bully. And so they're like, Braun,

the little guy who challenged them to this race is just kind of forgotten as the older brother and the main bully do this swim race. And they're like, neck and neck. It's mere seconds away. when they finish. And everybody's, you know, applauding how well Pete did and like the,

the evil real estate agents are, are scolding their kid for not winning by enough. And everyone has forgotten about Braun, who later, like five minutes later emerges from the ocean, like staggering and breathing really hard, like he almost died out there, just forgotten in the ocean.

Third place you get left for dead. That's the rules of this race. Like, they actually turn around and be like, oh, Braun, you were swimming too. His parents say that. You weren't watching?

They forgot what are their three kids? In the ocean. In the ocean. Australia. I assume that's another Australian thing. Just like what happens next. Later, the bullies capture brawn at the most popular hangout in town, which is the fish section of a local pet store.

That's Australian. Like, feel free to chime in if you're one of our Australian listeners and tell us, like, all your fond memories of hanging out in the fish section. as a child. Well, and the fish section is enormous, too. Like, I mean, the size of any pet store I've ever been to. It might be an entire fish store, but that's somehow weirder to me. I don't know.

I'm sure that's a thing. Yeah, I wrote fish store in my notes. I didn't see any of their pets there. I guess I've never seen, like, just a fish store. I've been the one. But I run with a pretty cool crowd. Yeah. I run with a fish store crowd for sure.

Yeah. You got those fish nerds. You got to cut them loose. You got to leave them in the ocean. So the bullies dunk Braun into a fish tank where the two whirling durfish live. And apparently one of them swims into his mouth. And the pet shop owner looks for her fish for a while. And then we see Braun and his stomach gurgles.

And then he opens his shorts to look down. And here's like a terrible whirling noise from his shorts. And that's because, as we will shortly learn, the fish has swum into his penis, this child, this eight or nine year old child's penis and is now making it whirl about like a helicopter at incredible speeds. That is the premise for this entire episode if you want to turn off the podcast now. That's where I don't know who Sean Baby is and he's not here. And that's why I don't believe Queen Elizabeth has seen this.

Queen Elizabeth personally blessed the spinning penis of this child. I swung my dick around for Queen Elizabeth several times, and she hated it almost each of them. Yeah, man, like we've all been there. I don't know what this did different that made her love it. Or maybe it was just like she saw this first and was like, look, I loved it the first time. Yeah, she said that was real derivative. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Seen it before, an Australian Kids TV. Next. And then the next guy came in and tried to entertain the queen. That's just like the kind of thing we used to do back in the day. And the next guy was also doing the penis thing. So she was furious. Yes. There was a lot of penis material.

And she's like, bring me something new. To be fair, I think that's a little bit on her. Because when you fly to the set to personally, you bless it, everybody's got to assume, oh, so that's what you're into. Right. Yeah. I've got to practice this shit. I mean, I don't want to look bad. You got to put a little collar on it, a little fancy collar.

dress it up nice it's meeting the queen put on a hat i have a clip of this moment and it's a it's a very strange moment for obvious reasons but also because like the look that brawn gives the camera when he realizes his penis is spinning around at an incredible velocity isn't oh no or what the fuck or here we go again it's like i have just now realized that the universe is infinite and i'm insignificant and even like weird sad music starts to play over it like this is a tragedy I got the clip. I'll just play the clip. Okay, good.

Where's Spiro? Spiro. Suffering swordfish. This is awful. They're the last pair of captivity and now the miles missing. Firo, where are you? Spiro, hold on. Don't know.

Can you stay calm to Spiro? Well, don't just stand there. Help me look for him. Spiro. Spiro. God, it's so. It's so fucking. I don't have a penis, so I don't know.

But I think if I had an organ that suddenly became sentient and started moving around, I would think, like, I'm going to die. Yeah. You would freak the fuck out. Like, that child should have yelled, should my penis be spinning like this? Oh, no, I need help. I didn't have any problem with the way he reacted. I would do the same thing.

I'd say, I've got to get in the water and see how fucking fast this dick propeller is. That's, I thought it was a great reaction. Well, that doesn't happen yet. He does still kind of freak out about it. Yeah, no, I'm a step ahead of him. I wanted to play that clip just so everyone would be able to hear the sound of a whirling penis. Good call. Yeah.

That way they're complicit in the crime. We had to hear it. Now so did you. Like a cop may someday ask you like, uh-huh, uh-huh, and what does a whirling penis sound like? And you'll just automatically go like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, oh, oh, shit. Oh, walks right into the cop trap. So Braun starts running back home, back at the lighthouse they live in.

And the dad and the mom, the mom is talking to the dad, trying to sort of broach the subject of sex. Like, maybe we should have sex. It's been a long time. But he's pretending like he's never heard of it. Like, he doesn't know what sex is. Yeah, he's not on the same page at all. But in a way that, yeah, like he might be an Encino man, like a Mormon Encino Man. something.

Than Zino Man from before they invented fucking. Right. And to make that the B plot for this episode is extra a crime. Yep. They blew it. Here's the fascinating thing. This sort of, not necessarily the same characters, the mom and dad, but they're like, well, people kind of want to fuck, but they're not really sure how will be a B plot of this entire season.

on this Australian children's show. There's a moment that we'll kick that off. We'll get to that later. I wish you could see the face I'm making. It's a little sad that we don't do cameras for this. It's judgmental. You want to be on camera for this? No.

I'm looking at Brockway the same way I look at him after I find out my penis is spinning. Existential despair? That makes sense. Actually, that does scan. Speaking of, that's like. like what he's painting. This guy is painting like cubist babies. The dad is a very strange artist, but there is an existential dread to it. I don't know how to explain it. It's been a while since I have any experience doing straight art criticism, but it's an odd choice for like,

hey, let's show that the dad's an artist. It's like, what should he be painting? I don't know. How about like a catastrophic cubist baby? Just an abstract expression of a of a, of a of a dying infant. I don't know. I didn't like it. It should have been like a fucking boat or a landscape or something just to be like, this is the most basic art you can art. But no, there was something deep in troubling there.

Yes. And the mom comes in and is like, hey, do you want to put that down and fuck? And he's like, I'm exploring infant death syndrome through my art. Yeah, I want to fuck. So Braun runs in and tells his parents he has an emergency. It's a private matter that he has to talk to his dad about. Was that his choice of words? Is that what he said?

Do you have his exact words? Go ahead. He said it's a private smatter. And then he corrected himself. I didn't get that. A private smatter. Yeah. The mom picked that up, though. She does not, she's like, oh, this is the boner talk.

I got to get out of here. She just runs straight out of the room. And Braun explains to his dad that he started getting funny feelings down there. Those were his exact words. That's just a real interesting way to say, dad, my dick started spinning around like a propeller after I ate a magical fish. Sometimes the sort of threes company situation comedy shit where it's like just one character should just stop

and fucking explain what's happening. Sometimes that gets a little at hand. I think this is one of those situations where they have made some really questionable artistic choices. Like dishonest artistic choices. Like this would never happen. This is not how you would put it if your fucking dick was spinning from a magic fish.

It's absurd. And he could have said, like, dad, my dick is spinning for Magic Fish. And his dad just would have been like, sure, whatever, kid. Yeah, this is this town. We're on like season three, I think. I get it. Yeah, it's pretty normal. I guess if he had said that and the dad thought he was kidding.

Yeah. Then I could get on board. If he's, oh, do you mean, you must mean puberty. You don't know how to put it. Like, I feel like that's closer to what I'm getting at. That's my note for them is that the kid should have walked into the room and said my dick is spinning from a magic fish. And then that leads to the comical misunderstanding. And the dad's like metaphorically you mean. And he's like, yeah. Yeah, because he's a fanciful artist.

He'd be like, oh, wow, what an interesting way to put like your changing body. I just want to, we don't have to revisit it. I just really want to put a pin so we don't forget. Can we put a pin in the idea of an episode of three's company where Jack's penis is just always spinning? Like, that's the problem. That was most of them. That's, I think that's, a really good episode. If like the problem is like he's ready to have like everyone's ready to have sex, but his dick won't stop spinning. So they're like trying to come up with solutions for it. I just think that's like maybe my maybe I'll save that for like a spec script. Let's write that spec script. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's the pilot for your new three's company reboot.

Yep. Episode one maybe you got to know what you're in for. Magic magical realism three's company. So I guess all right. So. Having them have this conversation means this episode like the metaphor. So I was trying to think like that exists, right? And I'm like, yeah, that's just Archie. Oh, shit, you're right. All right, never mind. Let's just write a, let's write an issue with Archie then.

Can me that hard. They already did a Riverdale where Archie's penis spins around and he flies. They've done everything cool. Born too late to do the spinning penis episode. So this all, having this like comical moment of like, dad, I might be going through puberty, but it's a spinning penis misunderstanding. It means the metaphor for this whole episode is like, this is a young man experiencing his first erection.

Like, that's thematically what you've locked yourself into now. It's at least what two of the characters think. Yes. And they do double down on that because the kid, Braun, he runs to the bathroom and his siblings, because there's only, it's a one bathroom lighthouse, I guess. His siblings are like beating the door down. And inside the bathroom, Braun squeezes water on it. his penis to see what happens?

Like, we've all been there. And it starts spinning and spraying him in the face with penis water. And he gives like a big smile. Like, I get it. He's got propeller dreams. Yeah. He instantly knows what to do. So outside the door, the dad is explaining to Pete, the older brother and the sister Linda,

it's okay. Braun is just like going through a delicate time. He's phrasing it very delicately, but he's saying like, hey, your brother's in there masturbating, which, uh. Yeah. You shouldn't tell his older siblings that. I feel like if their ears to the door, you should tell them. You got to, like, go stand somewhere else for a few minutes.

And they hear the whirling and wetness. Yeah, they're going to have some questions. Yeah. I didn't like any of this. I don't think they should have made this is something I might say again. Well, it's far too late for that, though. So we're just going to continue experiencing it. Okay.

Yeah, it's like how Alex Jones or whoever was always like, there's messages for pedophiles or secret messages in these media. It's like, this isn't a secret. This is regular. Yeah, have we, did you check the cast and crew like with Interpol's most wanted? Like, is this like the Argentina where like the Nazis went? Like, is this where like all of the disgraced cast and crew members from Hollywood like went? I'm sorry, you must have missed the part where I explained.

This is an Australian show, so there are no laws. There's just no. Okay. They don't have laws there. Got it. They can just do this. Okay. So,

okay, so Braun decides after testing that water makes his penis spin, decides his older brother needs to see this spinning penis. Of course, I do have a clip. Can you keep a secret? Men's business. That's discrimination.

I'm reporting you to... Well, I'm not happy at all. Being fish swimming around inside me. Whenever I get my... You know what? Not wet. Spinning is so upsetting. The sound.

It really is. Terrible. The sound is so bad. I got another writer's note. I feel like the zinger is whirling willy. You don't want to like have a follow up. Like you go out on whirling will. You've got a whirling willy cut.

Don't say, yep, exactly. That's what I have. The thing you said. Like that, don't want to let that fucking thing breathe. You want to hit him with it and go. Hit him with the whirl and willy and get the fuck out where the law comes. It's just the only note I have for this otherwise totally immaculate and normal episode of television. But they do still talk about it for a while.

Yeah. Yep. This is a long scene. And like, you know, during the scene, the kid is reclined in a bubble bath, which apparently he drew for himself to show his brother, like, what's going on. And it's at, like, crotch level, there's a little, they put something in the water to, like, mannuch. manipulate it so it looks like it's spinning around. And this is like, I'm like, yeah, this is the scene that is by far the most upsetting to me. This kid in the bathtub reclined with his brother looking down at his dick. So far, surely. So far. I feel like I was a set designer. And they said,

we want you to build a fake child's penis to spin around for this bathtub for this, for this scene. I feel like I have been training my whole life to punch through your face. Like that would be where all of the unkicked kicks would go just boom you would just obliterate i mean surely you would have to use your special effects skills this is fx3 right this is right you would have to use them mcgiver style uh to attack and destroy this person the second you ask me to build that your fate is sealed yeah yeah get michael kane in here michael kate would hate this if you told michael kane this is this episode's about a child spinning penis, he'd say no. Well, I don't know because I'm calling my manager.

The queen loved it and Michael King loves the queen. That's true. I'll tell you what, Brian Denahey would not stand for this for a second, though. Yeah. Brian Dennehy would probably hate this too. Or he would be like over. He's like, I've seen so much shit in my life, kid. What's one more twirling child penis?

I got it. I'm drunk already. And that's the clip we take to advertise the show. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. There's your, there's your TikTok, there's your Instagram. So the scene isn't over. Pete asks Braun what he's going to do about his whirling penis.

And Braun says he's going to use his cock like a propeller to win the big swim meet. Again, that's the central. That's not a one-off they'll forget about. That's the central premise of this episode is that a child's penis is spinning around so fast that he's become like a boat and will win the big swim meet. with his spinning cock. And just remember all the while the frantic slopping of his whirling penis in the bath is just drowning out the whole conversation.

It's a, it's scoundrel behavior is what it is. Sean is, I finally scandalized Sean. I am fine with all of the new children, but I draw the line of cheating at a race. So the next day, Linda, the sister,

asks why she couldn't be let into the bathroom for the big secret. And the big brother Pete blurts out that, uh, that Brown's got a whirling willy. And then they simply leave not elaborating to Linda what that might mean, uh, which is really got to fuck with her life as, as a young woman. Yeah. To me, it felt like she got it. Like she's like, oh, that, oh, no, I, I, okay.

Yeah. Or at least stop talking. She instantly was like, oh, yeah, whirling willy, we see that all the time here. Right. Or she didn't file it away as nonsense. She's like, okay, whirling willy, um, I'll look it up later. I'll figure it out.

That's something boys do. Most shows someone like that, like if that was a golden girl's gag, if Betty White said something like that, one of the other characters were just shrugged and just like, ah, she's crazy and never thought about it again. But this is like, no, carry this information with you. And she does. And she's right to do so because, again, it's the premise of the entire episode.

So Braun goes to the beach, right as the head swim bully, the head gribble boy is bragging about, or no, it's the father, the real estate manager. He's bragging about the head gribble boy being the fastest swimmer in town. And then they all look out the window right then. And Braun comes rocketing by in the sea at like 40 miles an hour with his torso up out of the water, just blasting across the ocean cock first and screaming. He's screaming the whole time.

And they all see it and decide, wow, that child's a very fast swimmer rather than something like a shark or something has got a hold of that child's cock. If their country had guns, they would have all opened fire on whatever the fuck this is. He clearly wasn't swimming. His arms weren't even moving. Yeah, I'm kind of a dolphin monster. And the truth is worse. The truth is like, no, it's a real human boy, but with a terrifying penis, so much worse than dolphin monster.

So back at the lighthouse home, the sister, Alinda, is now telling what seems to be every woman in town about her brother. spinning penis. Of course I took a clip. He's got a whirly what? Exactly. Something to do with swallowing a fish from the aquarium. I'm looking for Bronson twist. You better come in. He's got a whirly what?

Exactly. So she must have shown up on the reports of him swimming with his penis, right? Like I'm assuming that's why she's there. Why else would she be looking for him? And then she's like surprised that he's swimming with his penis. I just took it to be

lazy writing. Like, yeah, I just have the other character show up at the fucking house. I don't care. I hate that they're being coy with Worley, what? It's like, dude, there's a nude little boy every other scene. Let's not dance around the language of the fucking spinning dick. You built a spinning prosthetic

child's penis to have that bathroom scene. Like, a coyness is out the dog. Yeah, come on. Now we're being shy about the word penis. So the second voice you heard was the fish store owner. She explains that these were of course the last two whirling durfish in existence, and the mate is dying of loneliness already.

So, like, that's why they are the last two in existence. It's because if, if one's ever apart, the other one will die within moments, just actual moments. Back in town, like the whole city has gone nuts over bronze, incredible swimming. No questions about how he's again rocketing across the ocean, Dick first. This just in, torpedo dick, boy. Yeah, he's the biggest hit of the town.

And then this is the moment we were alluding to earlier. They cut away to that B plot again. And later that night, the mom is still like trying to fuck the dad in a way that it makes it seem like he has no idea what she's talking about. Penis in the what? But she picks up a Viking book of poetry to get him in the mood, which is already a very strange thing to do. And the letters dissolve as she reads the poem. And it overpowers like the father with with sudden, not lust, but sudden love for her.

And this is the series long story arc B plot, whether this book will keep falling into different hands and making people fall in love against their will. Okay. That's one of the questions I had is like, does this thing come back? Because this seems really powerful. It was really haunting too because there's a fish inside the little boy's penis.

I don't think we should be like playing around with like love spells, right? Like that's a, what if the fish hears one of these fucking, love spells. That's a, that's a whole new problem that I don't want to think about. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the whole town's going to have to deal with this spinning cock sooner or later. Yeah, having the B plot be about sex is such a weird choice. If you're going to do a penis thing with a child, then you really don't want to bring more sex into the plot, but they chose to do that. Yep. A lot of things they chose to do. Like, nobody, nobody made them do any of this. Yeah. Like, it would be way less, because, you know, people's bodies can be for things that aren't sex. You could have

not lend our minds in that direction, but they fully did. They leaned into it. And we're like, yeah, it's the penis episode. So for the B plot, also a sexual thing. So it's the next day, sponsors have been calling for Braun from all over to sponsor the incredible dickrocketing ocean child, probably, probably again, probably a normal thing in Australia that happens all the time. All of the success has gone to Braun's head. He now addresses like, I want to say 10% cooler. That's generous. Or douchier.

He's got like Oakley's on. Yeah. It's funny how Oakley's are so universally for duches. It's true. I knew what they're going for, but I think the production designer, two out of ten. Trying to do the, maybe like an Andre Agassi bad boy of swimming kind of thing. Yeah. But maybe just didn't have the budget for that because they spent all of it on whirling penis devices.

Anyway, you kind of get it because of the cool guitar riffs that play whenever he's on playing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sister Linda starts bugging him about saving his responsibility to save the durfish species because they're the last two in the world, okay, which of course means they're already extinct, but we don't have to go into that. Back with the parents, the mother is holding. I feel like these stakes are, I mean, it's clear to us that these fish are going to die if they don't fix it. but like she's trying to like play to his like hey you got to save the fish but I do feel like

there's a danger of having a dead fish in your dick like they could have made the stakes like no you will also die uh and they didn't yeah like sepsis is right around the corner for this child they do an interesting thing here where where they say the the fish will die if they're apart but only the female left in the tank not not in his not the one in his penis seems to be of loneliness where they establish later on, which we'll get to, that the fish can apparently leave whenever it wants, and it's having a great time in the child's penis. Yeah, I don't like that. He's having a romantic relationship with this child's crutch.

That's fucked up. Yeah, it's fucked up what you've just done there, because he's not dying. Only the female is dying, which means he's not lonely. And that like many things we've talked about today, sucks. That sucks. Yeah. That means this child is filled with milk. Is that what you call it?

Jamie, cut that. Or look up how to say fish come. Yeah, let's cut that. Oh, I called the police about 30 minutes ago. So back with the parents, the mother is folding laundry and she comes across bronze underwear, which now have a huge cutout for a dick in them. Now, of course, we the audience know this is perfectly explainable. His penis spins at such an incredible speed and to utilize it to its fullest. He has to have just an easy way to pull his whole cock and balls out so that he can use it as a propeller for maximum speed.

But she doesn't know that. And so she brings over the dad and they both look at it and say like, oh, we got to have a talk with him. Because they think he's been jerking off so much. He's burned a hole in his underwear, I guess. Like, I don't know what they think. I don't know. She holds it right up to his face too. She's like, check out the hole in these tiny underpants and puts it in his nose.

I'm like, no. divorced. And you wonder why I don't fuck you? Yeah. So the big swim race. The big swim race is about to start. The sister Linda and the pet shop owner capture Braun and they coax the fish out of his body in a kind of a horrifying body horror moment where they show it like they show it while he's clothed. But they show it making its way up through his body and it clearly like upsets the boys.

Like this is unpleasant that it's swimming from my dick into my stomach. into my chest, into his neck, and then they have it poke its little head out between his lips. So if this is still a metaphor for a young boy's first erection, that's illegal. Yep, what you just did. And it's also so gross, like, just hard to watch because of the way the kids like, who, like, you know, kind of horking up the fish anyway. And then even, like, even beyond the metaphor of it, it's all gross. It's really, really gross.

And stupid, too, because, like, they didn't really... They just kind of called that, like, hey, fish, come crawl up this fucking boy's body and come out his mouth. And he's like, okay, cool. Yeah, I'll do that. I hear a human voice telling me what to do in English. It's fucking stupid. All of it's so fucking stupid. And the special effects are maybe 20% better than they should be.

I was like, this looks like shit, but, like, better than it ought to. You know? Yeah, for the era, it's pretty good. Yeah, someone put in a little effort to make it look like. like a fish was crawling out of this kid's mouth. Didn't like it. Nope. Again, that just establishes the fish is exactly where it wants to be.

It could get out at any time. But for the first time, Braun now forces him back down and he runs away. Elsewhere, the bully children, the Grebbles are talking about their plan to win the race and cheat somehow. Pete overhears it and barges right in to tell them, well, I heard everything. And so they tape him up. Yeah, it's a bad plan. It's a bad plan. Yeah, what a stupid older brother to be like, hey, me, just by myself, heard all three of you's plan.

Good thing, there's no one else around to stop whatever happens next. Yeah, I got to wonder if, like, maybe throughout the show Pete is established as like an idiot. And that's like supposed to be like a joke, maybe? I don't know. I'm just, I'm being, again, I'm being very generous with the, with the show that has an episode about a, uh, spinning child's penis. Yeah, stop it. Be meaner.

So the grivel's plan is to super glue bronze feet to the starting point at the swim race. And two of the lesser grivels, they put the glue down, smear it with their hands. And then high five, instantly gluing themselves together. You got to do that. I mean, I let that one go. There's no other choice. Yeah, that's a fine bit for a kid's show.

Yeah. I was more concerned with how the writing falls apart where they're like, the sister has a jar of the dying fish. She's like, you've got to give me that other fish out of your dick to save the species of fish. And he's like, dude, just give me three minutes to win the race. And she's like, no, you got to do it now. And I'm like, I honestly think that the fish can wait three more fucking minutes.

Like, give me a break. I kind of thought the same thing. I was like, why is this so important? Like, literally she can just wait until the race is open. Yeah. Come on. It's just over there. They're swimming right there.

He does bring that up because she will persistently do this. She'll do this again and again throughout this whole race section. And he starts bringing up like, it just literally give me four seconds. Yeah, come on. But she will not. So Pete hops up and he breaks free just in time to warn his brother that they're going to cheat. But then he falls on a nearby beach trampoline. They have those, of course, and catapults himself inchworm style into the ocean where he begins to drown.

Incredible shot of this child, like a dummy, clearly, like being thrown through the air, flying through the air, bouncing off the air. I loved that shot. I was like, like, beautiful practical effect. I'd like to think they used to stunt child. I'd like to think they killed the child for this. I like how the little boy with the fish dick, it's a tough choice because he's like, do I do the race or do I save my brother?

And he's like thinking about it, like long enough that the brother could have died. Certainly is in the process of dying. Yes. And so this is like where a normal show you'd be like, yeah, okay, so he loses the race, but he like learns what's really important. That's not the way they handle things here. Not quite what happens. Now, Braun does jump in the water. He decides to save his brother, which means he pulls his cock out of his shorts and uses his propeller penis to dive down and save his brother.

After a long time, he considers it for a while. Yeah. It's not an easy choice for him. But as we've seen, Pete is a dipshit. So maybe he's just like, it's, it's, you know, some savage mental math. But he's being like, what is the greater boon to society, the continued existence of my brother, or me winning this race? And like, I guess he decided the right thing. But he's, he dives down, he saves his brother, and then he blasts out of the water.

And now he can fly. And he's flying around using his spinning dick as a helicopter blade while carrying his brother to safe. And if you thought we weren't going to see it, if you thought it was always going to be covered by water, because this is a kid's show, think again, they show the child spinning cock. The cops are here. They show it. It's a pink blur because it's going so fast, but it's fully pulled out of his shorts and generally penis shaped and spinning at an incredible speed. Whoever did this just has to be in jail, right? Yeah, me now.

That's on somebody's special effects. We saw it. People saw it. We saw it. That shouldn't have been legal. Well, someone had to fit the child actor with a prosthetic penis. Like, I think at that point in your life, that's when you're like, no, definitely not. I quit. I'm not doing special effects for your show anymore. I'm not going to fit the child with the prosthetic penis that's going to be a helicopter for him. I think you could train a chimpanzee to do it. I think that's how they probably handled that.

The prop designer. And then they had to exterminate that chimpanzee because he's learned so much. Absolutely. They had to burn his hands off. You can't train him to do that and then let him loose in society. Lydia's being a little dramatic. I think it was just crude CGI. I think at worst, they tasked a computer artist with designing a child's penis and then making it spin around.

Okay, but somebody made that. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Somebody made that. Somebody made that and it's in their portfolio. They couldn't afford to green screen it out. So they had to like sandpaper off the child's front doors. Jamie, leave it all in.

Just fucking burn it all to the ground, Jamie. And it's in their portfolio and it says, I worked on the show that the queen visited. Here's a clip. Queen endorsed it. She loved it. He's got a Weirley watch So he flies around and he does like

Low buzzing swoops of the whole town with his dick out I mean it's spinning pretty fast but uh It shows the whole town is his penis And he drops off his brother and he leaps back in the ocean To finish the race because as Sean said The like the obvious course that you should do is like Okay well I had to choose between winning the race for saving my brother This show says nah he's gonna do both

It's not a trolley problem. He just, he does whatever. The ladyfish is dying. And so now you're like, what about those other stakes? The sister throws the jar into the ocean and it goes straight for the little boy's dick. Then he pukes up his helicopter dickfish. And anyway, he's. And they show us?

Yes. Yeah. And so the fish escape into the ocean together. Probably to be eaten. Like, if they're the only two left, that's a dead species of fish. Yeah. That's just the way. They're extinct.

Yeah, and like not to be a fish nerd, but also you can't, it can't properly acclimate to the ocean. Like when they change water temperatures, if it's even like a very minimal difference, they'll just die. So they're dead. Yeah. It's sorry. Sorry fans of dickfishes. They're dead. They're all extinct now.

But now the kid is doing a teen wolf where he has to race against the much faster bully using no supernatural powers. He's just his own nerdy self. but somehow this time it works. They're doing a spinning dick, teen wolf. Spinning dick teen wolf, but not for teens. Spinning Dick Child Wolf, I believe is what the spin-off would be named. Yeah. Well, and he doesn't win either.

He loses. Right. But just barely. So that the whole town celebrates like how well he did for his age, fully knowing. They've seen it. They know he was cheating with a magical spinning penis. Right. Yeah.

They're like, wow, you're a great swimmer. And I'm like, he just flew with his penis. Yeah, you've seen it. You know what was happening, but they're all still, that means the whole town was like, I loved that. I loved seeing that. So great. It didn't quite win him the race, but winning isn't important.

You know, that's the second time this episode where they explicitly said, like, nobody really cares if you win stuff. I think they implied it several other times, like just with the plot. Like the moral of the show is, do what the fuck you want. It'll work out. If you don't win, that's not a big deal. Make the wrong choice. You figured out later.

Take your take out. Swing it around. He's nine hundred Frank first He's welcome to the 1,900 Hot Dog Stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight The insult comic with class Lord Jimathan Jigglesworth Thank you, thank you That's quite enough, though I should say

Flattery, we'll get you everywhere Oh, what a supreme audience we have tonight I recognize a lot of faces, though they might not like me saying that. Oh, I see Aaron Crosston here. A peacock in everything but beauty. Oh, Adrian H. I see Adrian H here. Alex Nolenberg. Alpha scientist Java.

An Andy, Armando Navar, Autumn Armstrong Berg. Oh, I see Brandon Garlock. He has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen, are never remembered. Oh! Brian Sailor. Brockway famously loves the meat millie. A little too much if you know what I mean.

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Jared Ruiz. John Deeb. John McCabin. John Minkoff. A lot of John's here tonight. You know what I'm saying. Josh Quicksall, it is said, some cause happiness wherever they go.

Others, whenever they go. Ah, but no really. Go fuck yourself, Josh Quicksolve. You know what you did. Joshua Graves. Justin B. Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book. Give her a few minutes, folks.

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Or something else equally tedious. Oh! M. Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd. I see mercenary sysidman here, Michael Lair. Mickey Lohman, oh, Mickey Lohman, such keen student, always ready to give his betters the full benefits of his inexperience. Oh, ho! Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N. D. Neil Bailey, Neil, they say there is no sin, except stupidity.

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Or once. I kid, I'm actually. I actually like one ball in. Henri Weevil, Ozzie Olin, Patrick Herbst. I see Peewee's uncle here with Rebrandrew and Red Wine Time.

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you're right to be a dipshit Spotty reception Supernought Tatar stays Ted H Thomas Thomas is such a good friend

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Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language. As a dancer, he can do anything but move. with rhythm and as a wiener he is everything but plump oh ho ho ho i kid i kid of course thank you thank you all i'd say you've been lovely but i've been told untruths calls wrinkles oh oh no but seriously folks truth is everything stay true one must always strive to be true to what they are even if what they are is a nasty little Come to! Oh! Oh! Oh!