The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 277, The Wonder Twins with Bryan Stratton

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

The Twin Towers of Seanbaby lore! Exploding onto the podcast with devastating effect! On this episode of the DOGGZZONE, we're watching not nine, not eleven but THREE episodes of THE WONDER TWINS! Join Seanbaby, Bryan Stratton and Jamie Kelly, (fresh out of jail) for an earth shattering episode! WONDER TWINS ACTIVATE! FORM OF: HILARITY! Jamie Kelly's Plugs: https://thisislandearthband.com https://thisislandearthband.bandcamp.com Bryan Stratton's Plugs: https://marvelbythemonth.com

in the official podcast of 1,900 hotdog.com. We're the last comedy website. If you remember when you just had a website where you could like go to it and you could count on there being a new article, we're doing that. We're still doing that. You have to subscribe to get them all, but it's easy and cheap. You go to patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog.

1,900 hot dog. Hot dog, what fun. I'm Sean Baby from the internet and Brockway was called away for an underwater hunk rescue. So I have two guests today. Our first is our very own audio engineer and musician. she's America's girlfriend, Jamie Kelly. Hey, yo, it's Jamie Kelly.

You lucky sons of bitches. And I have a Jamie Kelly fact, which is fucking nothing, because I don't know nothing about nothing, no further question. Damn, I didn't have any follow-ups to that. I don't think you understand that game at all. Our next guest is from the celebrated comic podcast, Marvel by the month. My old friend Brian Stratton. Hey, hey, hey, it's lovely to be here.

Listeners of the show will be glad to know that their very own Jamie Kelly is out of jail finally. Hey. Yeah. Congratulations. You were in jail? Dude. I mean, it's one thing to go to prison for Rockaway's book thing. But I did not agree to doing two weeks in the clink for Australian fish dick C-Sam.

Oh. Well, here we are. Yeah. Yeah. And I went in with the reputation. So I made a, I mean, I scored a lot of cigarettes, but I got to sit on a donut now. and I hold Brockway personally responsible. We can cut all this, Jamie.

No. God damn it. Well, let's do plugs here before it descends into Manus. Brian, where can people find more of you? Yeah, you can find Marvel by the month at Marvelbythemonth.com or anywhere you can download a podcast. We also have a Patreon, which is patreon.com slash Marvel by the month, where you can get longer versions of the episodes plus exclusive stuff. And yeah, it's a good time.

I also have a book coming out at the end of the year that I can't talk about yet because my publisher hasn't announced it. But yeah, just set up a Google Alert for my name and then just check that three or four times a day. Oh, fantastic. I do that already. Yeah, so do I. Oddly enough. How soon are we going to get to West Coast Avengers annual number two? God, it's so far off.

We just wrapped up 1977. So when we start our next season. Oh, so you got a ways. Yeah, when we started next season, Jim Shooter is going to be the editor-in-chief. So it's the beginning of the shooter era of comics. Okay. That'll be fun. Jamie, let's do your plugs.

Where can people find more of you? Yeah, okay. Well, I do have a pretty substantial plug this week. My band has a new EP out for download and streaming. There are a limited run of 50 physical cassette tapes that are available now as of the time that you're listening to this, where we are right now and in the past, is releasing, quote, unquote, tomorrow. But if you visit this island earthband.com and signed up for the monthly newsletter, it's a brand new thing we got going, you get a free song every month and all the latest band news

and all kinds of neat stuff for the rest of your life. If you're signing up after listening to this podcast, you will have missed the first official newsletter. And the song that's included in it is is a fun doozy. So if that's the case, if you wind up signing up to the newsletter, you'll get the automated, like, the welcome thing, but you might not get the first newsletter. So hit me up if that's the case, and I'll shoot you one. And that's it for now. There's always all kinds of cool shit going on, but that's like the most pertinent thing. So go back in time, sign up for the newsletter before you listen to this. Yes. Or email you specifically. And Brian, I know you stopped recording. I can see that. Oh, yeah. I've definitely done that.

Fuck this. Okay, so obviously, Brockway's not here. I got left alone in the podcast. That's why this is a disaster. Yep. Definitely that. But it also means we're talking about Super Friends because if you leave me alone with the shit, I'm going to talk about Super Friends. Yeah. Today, specifically, they're talking about the Wonder Twins. Yes. Oh, boy. Obviously, Super Friends is, it's so old now that it maybe is worth explaining that the Super Friends was a cartoon that started way back, in like 19796, I want to say. And I've always loved this since I was a kid.

It had a couple of major problems. A lot of comic book adaptations had these problems back in the day. First of all, it was not very violent. Nobody in Superfriends ever punched another person. Most cartoons from the 80s had this rule, whether it was self-imposed or like the FCC, I don't know. But superheroes do a lot of punching. And so when you're watching a cartoon,

and they're not doing that, things get real fucking stupid. The other problems Super Friends had is that they thought kids didn't want to see amazing adults doing fantastic things. So they added kids like crazy. Every cartoon you watched, they would just add kids. And Super Friends already had Robin. They had Batman and Robin. So they were fine, but then they're like, nope, not enough kids.

They added Marvin, Wendy, and Wonder Dog. And those were two kids and a dog, no abilities. and they were central to every plot. So we followed them everywhere. They did fucking nothing. We all hated them. So finally, after the first season, they replaced them with Jaina and Zan.

They were space teens, and they had a star monkey named Gleek. And they were kind of powerful, but like complete idiots. Their main thing was that they were always stupid and confused, and when, of course, they touched, they could be, I don't know, Brian, you want to explain their powers?

Yeah, when they touched, it was magical. That's enough. Yeah. So what the, so Jan, wait, Zan, Jana could only turn into animals and Zan could supposedly only turn into things that were water-based, but then winds up turning into things that are just kind of liquid or, yeah, it. Water-adjacent. The rules get really sloppy real quickly. Yeah.

Yeah. Real quick. because he was, it was conceptual in that he had to be water or ice, but he could turn into like a working ice rocket. That's the real thing he did once. And there was kind of no limits on the animal thing either. So if Jaina wanted, she could be like a dinosaur or something from space. She could just be like, oh, yeah, I'm like a Godzilla or whatever.

Zan once turned into, they were fighting a water monster and Zan's like, oh, form of the water monster. And he turned into like a fucking kaiju-sized water monster. And it's just like they constantly forget that. So most of the time they would turn to like bear with ice saw. And you're like, what the fuck? Or a gorilla with ice crowbar. Or let's face it, 90% of the time, Zan just turns into a bucket of water. That's it.

Bucket of water with sometimes a little face. Yep. Sometimes just like a little head that popped out. It's like he's being put on the spot. Right. Yeah. It's always panicked. But like sometimes they like instinctively worked together.

Like they never talked about it. They're like, okay, dude, I'm going to be a gorilla. So I need like a gorilla. weapon that's just unspoken. Like they just jumped in and they dealt with whatever the other did. Maybe they had like a twin kind of link. Probably the best most famous example was they were, a bear was about to eat a kid and she turned into a beaver and Zan turned into water.

And the beaver made like a tiny little six inch trough around the bear and then Zan filled it with water. The bear's like, well, shit. I'm totally, I can't get past this. They'd be like an octopus and ice roller skates. you know, like, shit. The point I'm trying to make is they never turn to anything where they're like, whoa, what the hell are you doing?

Yeah. They always, like, new. So this, we took some episodes from the 1977 season. Because these two, like, they're only 13 years younger than Spider-Man. Like, these are ancient characters. And the reason no one under the age of 30 has heard of them is because they suck. And I guess that's what we're going to prove today. Yeah.

Yeah. what's everybody's feeling about Hannah Barbera cartoons in this age? Because I fucking hate them. I hate anything from this era. I hate Joseph Hannah. I hate Joseph Barbera, and I wish they were both fucking dead.

Damn, they might be. I was going to say, I think at least one of them must be, right? Oh, good. Happy birthday to me. All right, we'll cut all this. Jesus Christ. I also feel like,

I feel like Hannah Barbera cartoons were like halfway decent. There was a time when they were halfway decent and then like gradually over time, they just kept cutting budgets and cutting budgets until they were left for like four sound effects and 30 seconds of looping animation. Yeah, they were so cheap.

So cheap. Everything was about cost cutting measures and just cranking out nonsense to where episodes of almost everything that put out was just made of like interstitials upon interstitials. There was never ever like a show or writing. It was just nonsense all the way down.

And it's the kind of animation that partially growing up gave me like a, I had a physical reaction to it. It gave me a headache. Looking at bad animation gives me a headache. And I've always hated Hannah Barbera cartoons for that reason. Well, especially because like when we when we were kids, like Looney Tunes cartoons were in reruns and things like that. And it's like you go from watching like a Looney Tunes cartoon to watching, you know, a SuperFriends cartoon. You're like, oh, my God. Right.

Yeah. What have we lost? This used to be a proper country. Yeah, right. Right. Well, kids are spoiled. Like, once the 90s came around, like, Batman was punching dudes in the face. Yeah.

Yeah. You see one of those cartoons, you're like, whoa, they're like, the camera's moving. What the fuck? Did they just zoom in? That's right. Animadiacs had like double entendre. We had like slight adult humor going on and things. It was a blessed time between my cartoon era was 1986 to 1994.

And I think that was a real golden era for cartoons that wouldn't piss you off just on site looking at them. Right. Yeah. Okay. Let's talk about the Wonder Twins because they had a structure to these episodes. These were separate from the regular super friends. It was just them. And it would start with them doing some sort of an earth thing that they barely understood, like baseball.

And then Zana the Monkey would get too cocky and then they'd fuck it up. And then like he'd be like, step back super sis. I'm going to do a baseball like a real earth boy. And then he'd like turn himself inside out in a trash can and the monkey would die. It was always so goddamn dumb. Zand was always very braggadocious saying he could do something and then eating shit every fucking time. Every time. It didn't take him even like, it's not like a seed they planted.

It's like, I'm going to do the best cool jump. And then he would just smash into something. Like that moment. Jaina would be no help. She'd just be standing there like, looks like you should have looked before you leaped, brother, dear. Brother dear. Fucking brother dear, yeah. Like over and over.

Sex partner brother from the stars. What did she just say? Now that we're going down this road, how much of the current, you know, the zeitgeist of incest porn do you blame the Wonder Twins for? Because I think the timeline adds up pretty well about kids who grew up watching these cartoons

and like who's consuming it now? I mean, it's not much of a leap. The timeline's lines. up. 105%. One of them turns into a squid. The other one turns into lube. It's like, all that stuff happened when these kids were like.

Yep. Form of an ice dryer. Shape of a sister who gets stuck in it. That kind of thing. He could only become astrophied because it's water-based. So they get sticky. That's a good point. They get sticky.

Like I say, I think the rules are so loose that he could turn into a full oil-based loop. They don't care. While they're like messing around, they'd get a teen trouble look, which is an emergency service just for kids. Okay. It was a device. Okay. I mean, teen trouble alert.

Come on. Yeah, agreed. You can't say that with a straight face anymore. Absolutely not. It just sounds pornographic. But this was like a device they used other super friends a lot to get things going. Like everyone in this universe had like a direct line of the super friends. So a guy from any hut in Africa would be, we'd call the super friends, be like, bees!

Send Aquaman, there's bees! And then, like, but if situations were too ordinary, like if there were no bees, they called the Wonder Twins. Like, if there was a situation any trained cop or firefighter could handle. And a teen had to be involved. Yes, and you needed some teens, very confused. Specifically, teen problems. Yeah.

You needed, like, a real befuddled pelican to fuck the situation up. That's who you call. And the device was all kinds of things. Sometimes it's a wristwatch device. Sometimes it's a pager. Sometimes it's a little blinky deal on their belts. They were just up to their fucking assholes and team trouble alert devices. Yeah.

A hallmark of Hannah Barbera is it wasn't consistent. Some of that's probably laziness on their end, but also I think they sent it all off to Korea and weren't there like standing over their shoulders. So they'd say, hey, random animators in Korea, this guy talks to somebody on a device. And they're like, oh, fuck it. I'll draw a device. Anyway, I picked four very random episodes from 1977 seasons, season two. The first one I picked was Tiger on the Loose.

And I figured I'll lead us through this one. And then we'll let Brian pick the next one. Okay, sounds good. This one started with a safety video because in the 77 season, they had safety videos. And this one was Wonder Woman telling you not to eat styrofoam. Which tells you everything you need to know about the Wonder Twins viewing audience that they have to be told not to eat styrofoam. Yep. Stop eating poisonous plastics and styrofoam.

God, it's, I mean, like, you know, we, we, we, were you kind of used to these PSAs? I get the feeling it was something that was probably required by, like, FCC guidelines, because, like, all the kids cartoons had these, like, knowing is half the battle type things. But, yeah, I mean, none of this, none of this is, like, keeping kids out of actual danger. It's all about, you know, telling them, like, the most obvious things, like, don't choke to death, please. Or do, you know, we don't care. She uses the lasso of truth to snatch styrofoam and plastic bits away from children's eager mouths, but we never get to hear any of the plastic secrets. Oh.

Yeah. They're breaking all kinds of rules right out of the gate. Again, cost-cutting measures. Yeah. The tiger on the loose starts at the zoo. A tiger's just pacing around its cage. Cage pops open. The animators specifically draw the tiger being like, what?

Like, the stunned look on the tiger's face. Like, he can't believe his luck. and he jumps out. I have a little clip here. Oh, sweet. Help! The Tigers escape! I don't care how you do it.

Just get that tiger back and fast. I found Susie near the Tigers cage, sir. So, you're the one responsible for the Tigers Escape. I should have known better than to hire an irresponsible teenager. But I didn't let him out. I came to help get him back. How could you possibly help? He's like a pet to me.

He'll listen. Listen to what I say. You've caused enough trouble, young lady. In fact, if that tiger causes any harm or damage, you'll pay for it. Stop! Okay. There's a lot of up back there. Yep.

I'll have a lot to describe. So a cop brings her in by the arm. He has both hands on her arm, and he does not leave that position the entire scene. He has got a death grip on this teen girl. Yeah. Her boss has apparently put her in charge of the tiger. She's the only one who can handle it. And here they are in a situation where she needs to get the tiger back and he's like,

I'm going to fucking end your life. So she just runs off. Here's the thing. First, why is he hiring teenagers to watch over tigers? Great question. Yeah. Good point. Right.

There's that. There's also, I mean, we jammed right into this. But it's important for the audience to know that nobody let the tiger out. The tiger's tail hit the door and the door just kind of swan. open. And then later we're going to find that she's not even really in charge of the fucking tigers because there's a tiger trainer that we'll get to towards the end of this episode, which makes all of this fall apart. Yeah, it does not hold up to any scrutiny. Like all Super Friends scripts. Right. I just love the Zoo Boss. He's like, that's insane. You're going to

sweet talk to Tiger back in his cage. Fuck off. And she cries. No, I mean, like, she really cries. They zoom in on her eyes so you can really see it. It is so rare for the camera to zoom on Super Friends more care was taken by the animators to show this woman crying than any other moment in the show. And they still fucked it up because it looks like shit. Well, yeah, but like it communicates what's happening that we are really, really experiencing this moment with this poor girl. There are several close-ups in this episode. It's like a close-up heavy episode with some of the most shocking two frames of faces you've ever seen. We'll get there.

The Wonder Twins are eating human food and they do these little bits. And the little bit this time is Zan's like, hmm, these earth hamburgers are good. And the monkey's like, I'm going to eat a burger with bananas in it. And that's just like the full joke. That's the joke. But they like fucking let it breathe like we're just dying of laughter at home. Fuck this monkey.

Fuck this. I fucking hate. Was it Gleek? Yeah. Yeah, Gleek. When they do the lunch bit, it starts from a wide and you're like, okay, I get the idea. Eating lunch and full costume, that's weird.

But that's okay. I'll accept the rules of this world. and then, wham! Way too much of Zan's face. So I paused on it to allow the demon to eat my sins. It's just really fucked up and scary looking. You went through a real emotional journey. I did.

I did. I did. I did. Dude, I'm fresh out of jail. I got emotions. I got fucking emotions, dude. You get to, bam, you get to see what the Wonder Twins look like, and the haircuts are fucking insanity. Yeah, well, they are from space.

Jaina has like the platonic idea of a pixie cut and ice cream. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good way to describe it. It feels like it's the same haircut, but it's like positioned differently on each of their heads. Because they have a pointy, they each have a pointy bit, but it's like in a different place on each of their heads. Yeah. Like maybe it was one haircut that got split in half because they're twins.

Yeah. They may be clones. Maybe that's how they save money at the barber. They're like, when they stick their heads together and say, give us one haircut. This counts as one. Okay, so they get a call on the teen trouble alert that a tigers escape, but not exactly about the tiger escape. Like the guy's mostly complaining about stupid Susie, how she let it out. She's like, no, listen, the tiger's gone.

Susie did it. Susie let it out. And then also she ran away. Anyway, bye. Yeah. Well, this is very clever of him to lay the groundwork for his legal defense because, you know, this way, like he's been recorded. He's been recorded talking to superhero, like they're technically superheroes. you know, who apparently have some sort of like law enforcement credentials, you know,

because they're able to do stuff like this. I mean, they plainly have no training. No, they have no training. They are new to lunch. Yeah. Fuck these guys. Yeah. Yeah.

So the events that unfold are going to sound insane. the tiger crawls into an empty school bus and then the teacher brings her entire class back to the bus and they all get on the bus that has a tiger on it. And it's not until every last child is on before the teacher's like, oh, fuck, there is a tiger back there. Several of children are sitting right next to the tiger. Yeah, the tiger's no one said anything.

It's not hidden. It's sitting on the back bench seat. Like right in the middle of the seat. It's incredible. Right after everybody's on the bus, she says, everybody enjoyed the zoo. Wham, the second most unsettling close-up in all of animation history. This one gives Zanerun for his money.

I had to pause it, again, to allow for the demon to unload all the sins of the world into my empty soul. I said I have emotions. So many emotions. Look, look, everybody needs to know. So what I'm going to do during this episode is I'm going to put these faces where everybody can see him because I don't think anybody understands just how soul-crushing these close-ups are.

I want people to know. Okay. We'll have the bonus features filled with terrifying faces. Yes. The Super Friends see this. The Wonder Twins are looking at this bus that has the tiger and all the children, and they leave.

Because they, like, there's so many ways to handle this with unlimited water items and animals. Yeah. Like a tiger with, I don't know, a water hat. There you go. Perfect. Fair fight. But no, they leave because they're like, we've got to go get Susie. Yeah. We don't know how far away it is, but it's certainly more than five seconds, and that's how long these children have to live. Yep. Right. And we have no idea how they know that Susie knows this tiger or how they know where to find her or Susie is. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. They heard on the call that Susie did it. So they know there's a person out there named Susie. Sure. So they go find. Susie. And she refuses the hero's call. Zan comes to the window and he's like, hey, Susie. And she opens the window. She's like, I know why you're here. The fucking tiger.

I didn't do it. And Zan's like, that's, it sort of doesn't matter right now. Yeah, it's eating children. Yeah, we need to go take care of this. And so Jaina turns into a gazelle and then they all ride the gazelle to the bus. Okay. So now is the part where shit gets crazy. So Susie gets on the bus and she walks up.

to the tiger to calm it down. And then she leads it past all the children. Yeah. And the plan is for Zan to form an ice toboggan. Yeah. And then they put the tiger on, balls first, onto the icy sled. And it is docile. It just does it. It just does it. And then the monkey pulls the sled past Jaina, who is still a gazelle. So they're pulling the, the tiger on a frigid sled past its favorite food. Nothing. Nothing. Yeah.

And that's the solution. A straight B-line right back into the open cage. How fortunate. They just take it right back in it. It stays on the icy sled the whole time. Yep. I honestly don't think a monkey can even can drag an empty sled across an entire zoo to a tiger cage. Sure.

Much less one with a full-grown tiger. We mentioned Zan turning into a ice toboggan. There's nothing about the look of this toboggan that implies that, it's an ice toboggan. If you weren't told that it's an ice toboggan, he's just regular Zan Purple. I mean, it's like a plastic man thing. But yeah, with his head, she's kind of stuck on the front of it.

Right. That's how you know it's him, obviously. So, yeah, it's... I do think it would be more unsettling if he didn't have the head, if I'm being honest. It doesn't sound like it would be, but I think it would be. to know that there's some sort of a human soul trapped inside an inanimate object is it's a certain level of disturbing no no it makes sense yeah i did have a quick question though who's the voice

on the teen trouble devices who is that i mean and how is he so sure that susy fucking did it no i don't mean the voice actor i mean who's who's sending out these emergency alerts uh oh that was the boss i think that called because he was like because no one else would have been like blaming susy so much that guy hates this girl oh so can anybody get on the... Anybody. Anybody. Okay.

There's episodes where, like, kids will just go to their car and, like, they got a CB in there that leads straight to the Wonder Twins. Like, anybody in this entire world can just call the Teen Trouble Alert. So much stupider than I thought. Awesome. Okay, cool. So much stupider. So now the boss, like, apologized to Susie.

Like, off camera, we find out that, oh, no, she didn't do it. Some other asshole did it. Confessed to it completely. He's like, oh, the tiger got out? Yeah, that was definitely me, not Susie. Then Gleek is in the ape cage fighting. Earth apes for bananas, it's so stupid. And it just kind of ends.

Like, Gleke always does a thing at the end where he'll, like, just trip and fall. And this one, he's like scared of a monkey. It's nothing. But they play it up, like, what a hilarious thing. This is real normal for cartoons at the time. Yeah. But I want to make a note that after you're done watching this bullshit, on the same episode of the main show Super Friends,

there was one called The Mysterious Time Creatures, where Superman gets turned into a baby and they go to space to fight age wizards. And then there was one called Antidote, where Apache Chief and Wonder Woman fight a 200-foot cobra. So book-ending this are just the most awesome fucking things. And then you're just stuck watching Wonder Twins 100% fail. Those kids should be dead, is the point. Oh, and every one of these, the kids should be dead.

I actually wrote an article for the site called Everyone the Wonder Twins tried to save should be dead. And I used that cartoon as the basis for it. Glad we're all the same page. Yep. The next one is a clip about Superman helping with bike safety. I have a little clip of that before we get to the next cartoon. Thanks, Superman. Didn't even see that broken sidewalk.

Because you were riding double, breaking an important bicycle safety rule. My teacher was talking about bike safety, about staying off the sidewalks and riding with a flow of traffic. And walking your bike across intersection. Uh-huh. And signals for right turns and left turns. Rules you should practice. We will. Rules should practice.

Superman can hear the cries for help. Yeah. From every corner to the globe. Yep. Every second he's standing there, like, my teacher talked about bike safety. He's like, yeah, you've got to wrap this up, kid. All this taught me was that Superman hates fun. Yeah.

So that's the thing I wanted to zero in on here. So he's mad at these kids for one of them is riding on the handlebars of the other kid's bike. As you should. And he talks about, the kid talks about it's like, oh, didn't even see that cracked sidewalk. It's not a cracked sidewalk. It's like a portal to hell. You know what it is? Yeah.

It's a sweet jump. Oh, exactly. Exactly. I mean, unless you're Superman's around, in which case, you're breaking a rule. A friend of Marvel by the Month, Matt Fraction, once observed about DC comics from the 50s, 60s, and 70s that they are made for NARCs by NARCs. And this portrayal of Superman is exactly that. Like, he is just a fun hater. Yeah, I think my favorite thing about that era of DC was Lois Lane always trying to prove that he was Superman. and him just spending all day long fucking with her about that.

Yeah. Like he would make inflatable Superman and use super ventriloquism. And it was just like a full-time job just to gaslight this poor woman who was rightfully certain that Clark Kent was Superman. Yeah, she was right. And she's an investigative reporter. He's destroying her reputation and, you know, just gaslighting her. And sanity. Yeah, 100% her sanity.

Yeah. Terrible, terrible person. Yeah. He's the worst. The next episode is Shark. Who wants to take Shark? I'll take Shark because this is where my notes stop. It stops after Shark.

And then, uh, okay. Yeah. Okay. So on a warm, sunny day at State Beach, first of all, can we talk about the voiceover guy? Because I thought it was Don Pardo.

And it's not. No, it's a Don Pardo sound alike. But yeah. It is. He's a Rod Rod Roddy. He's a Don Pardo. It's actually a guy named Bill Woodson.

who voiced the iconic Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice for most of the series like about 100 episodes but he was that dude took over from Ted Knight who did 16 episodes of it

you know Candy Shack too close for comfort oh wow yeah sure yeah yeah so Don Pardo had nothing to do with any of this it's just

men from the silent generation just sounded like this so I just want to talk about that voice he was busy yeah it was but yeah back to back to fucking shark Sorry.

Guys, I'm still sick. I'm still woozy. We're all getting it together. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so State Beach is where we are. And there are four teenagers that in this opening shots are standing miraculously on the waves of the ocean. And we cut into them. And it's a teenage Fred from Scooby-Doo who boasts about deep diving.

He's wearing like scuba gear. And then there's a young kind of shaggy-coated character. it's all Scooby-Doo characters all the way down. There's a dive into a Rocky Point Cave where it's, I guess, really treacherous. And Fred's got to go down and get some rocks for proof that he did this dangerous dive, despite the fact that there are sharks there.

So Fred is driven out on a boat by Shaggy and dive straight down and unloges some proof rocks when, lo and behold, it's not quite a shark, is it? I mean, you make a good point. They reminded me of something. So I had to like look it up. A ducliostias? Look that up because that's what they drew.

That's what they drew. It's not a great shark. It's no. But you can tell it's happy. The shark is having so much fun messing with this kid. He's like, this dude getting proofrocks. He's a good 20 footer. No, 25.

The animators have never seen a shark. So it slaps its little fins, doggy paddle style. So it's really cute. Fred gets spooked and he sees the shark and he out swims the shark somehow. Yeah, I just don't think that shark is super into eating him. Yeah, I don't think he's very hungry. He seems very indifferent. He's just having fun.

Yeah. He is kind of indifferent and fucked up looking. Fred freaks out and he straight to the boat where Shaggy's waiting for him, capsizes the boats and now they're both stuck in the water clinging to the edge of this overturned boat. The girls on the beach call for help. And I guess this is, did they officially call for the Wonder Twins? Did they have a device? I don't know if we even saw it.

I think, like I say, it's just a given that anywhere you are, you can get hold with the Super Friends. Right. Because we cut to the Wonder Twins and they're at a fucking like a little carnival because of fuck, of course they are. There's bleak shit going on. I don't care about because fuck Gleek. It's maybe worth trying to explain what Gleek is doing because he's throwing balls at

bottles. And Zand is like, I talk. him to throw, I'm the best. And Gleek throws himself. Like, he doesn't let go of the ball and he, like, launches himself into the wall. There's no one there. There's no Carney who's upset about this. It's just total madness. They're in an abandoned carnival throwing themselves at walls. Yeah. I guess that's the way to put it. I sound like a madman, but that's, that's what they drew. It's, that's what the fuck it is. Uh, the tea trouble alert goes off. Uh, this time it's, uh, Jane's, uh, Janna's, I hate her name,

Jana's watch. Jana. Yeah, and so the twins are on their way. But first they got to turn into a 10-foot-tall eagle, and Zach turns into fucking water. Yeah, very standard. This is their standard combo. Yeah, right in the middle of that,

like just free-floating in the air and then into a bucket. Uh-huh. And is it the same animation every time? I feel like whenever he turns. Yeah, it's just like, okay, we got to bang out 10 Wonder Twins episodes. He's got to be a bucket of water. and six of them because we can only afford four new animations here.

Yep. Yeah. Exactly. That's what happens. It's not like Turboteen. We're Turboteen's a different animation every time. No, this is the same thing. The shark is having a party.

Like they cut back and he is just circled their boat, just jump, breaching the water. He's having the best time. But busy not eating them. Yeah. He's not eating. No. The kid's plan, I would say, is, it's kind of up there with the tiger plan.

Their plan is to go to the bottom of the ocean. Yep. And share the oxygen. Right. And I feel like that's got to like quadruple the danger. It does. Absolutely. Yeah.

Now instead of one person being in danger, there's two. And it's and no one is appreciably any safer. So yeah. So now they're the bottom of the cave. They seem kind of surprised that the shark found them. Like when the sharks just like follows them down. They're like, oh no, the shark. Like, wait a minute.

That's basically the shark's house, right? Like that point in the ocean is known for its shark inhabitants. So, fuck these kids. Let's see. So we got the Wonder Twins flying high above the fucking planet Earth right over the spot where everything's happening and they know it's happening right at that spot. So Jana transforms from a 15 foot tall. Eagle into octopus creature and then

Zan turns into the stupidest fucking thing. An ice raft? What was it? It's an ice boat. I actually have a clip. We could play the clip here. Sweet. Oh yeah. You better think of something and fast.

Zan, the quick change artist coming up. Form of an ice boat. Fuck you. Shape of an octopus. How died? How dive? You're 100% buoyant. Yeah.

Yeah, there's no reason. Although, credit to the animators, credit to the animators, they did manage to make him look made of ice in this one. So that's the slightest possible improvement. He did not turn into a submarine, which feels like the script calls for that. Anyway, he could dive as a boat. The kids are not at all safe from the shark, as I said. This fight's weird because Jaina grabs the shark as. the octopus and just punches the shit out of him.

And the sharks like, what the... So earlier when I said there's no punching, I guess this is a pretty rare counter example because she directly punches that shark in the face with like five octopus arms. Yeah, it's a rare carve-out in standards and practices that if it's octopus on shark violence, it's allowed because otherwise we'd never be able to have underwater nature films.

Yeah, you can hit animals because animals ain't people. So fuck them. And if it's a camel and a pelican, They can fur. Yeah. So they get on the underwater ice raft under the water. Yeah. And Gleck uses his tail to like propel them up.

Again, a submarine might have been better. The kids, what, they learn their lesson about bragging and taunting shark death. In a situation like this, I feel like the lesson is so built in that we don't really need to stop and say like what we've learned. It's like, we almost died from a shark when we went into the shark-infested waters. This is one of those perfect Zan examples because they wind up on a raft. It just cuts to them being safe on a raft at the edge of the ocean. And this is where Zan does his famous, hey, let me show you how superpowered people can fucking dive and then just belly flops and eat shit.

And Jaina goofs on him. And then he has no retort. He just has this like completely cursed, grubble. and it cut fade to black. Yeah, that's it. You blew it. You tried to do a thing and you blew it. Yeah. So that was the Wonder Twins episode.

Now, the other episodes that aired right next to it were The Enforcer. This one was where Wonder Woman and Aquaman fight like an underwater Cyberseizor. It's cooler than it sounds. Then there was also Planet of the Neanderthals where everyone in the world gets turned into a caveman and the super friends have to fight dinosaurs to fix time. And I'm saying that like, there's no comparison between those two things and these these dumb shit kids can't dive in the ocean. Is it possible that the logic behind having these Wonder Twin shorts was sort of like

the logic of like picking the perfect opening band where you want them to be like adequate, but you never want them to come anywhere near to overshadowing the headliner. So it's like, is this like a little, like a little palate cleanse or a little bit of survey? Yeah, I think it's Saturday morning cartoon terms where you'd go and when this band comes on, you go and you get your beer. At the same time, when the Wonder Twins comes on, you go and you refresh your cereal. Yeah, because anything that follows this is going to seem like the best thing you've ever watched in your life. That's true. Yeah.

I designed a Wonder, or a Super Friends drinking game back in the day, like in the late 90s. I want to play it. Yeah, it's fun because there's a lot of patterns. Like, you've already heard it in my sound clips. Like, we've got to do this and fast. Like, that's a thing they say all the time. Yeah. That went like viral, pre-viral stuff.

There used to be this like AP for like nonsense. Like if you're a talk radio, you'd have sort of your own associated press that was just like dumb shit. Like here's a dumb new like holiday or here's a dumb guy that like, you know, you had a prize pig or whatever the fuck. So somehow my drinking game got. stuck onto that and I got probably 70 requests for radio interviews that week. Oh my cow. I was like, Jesus Christ, what happened? God, damn. And I think I did like four or five and I was like, okay, I'm not talking about super friends with these squares anymore. I just like I couldn't I couldn't take it anymore. But anyway, that's a story of old, old media. Have you, uh, have you settled all those

lawsuits about the drinking game yet? Or are those still ongoing? Oh, no, no, no. A lot of people died. I still have a lot of litigation to get through. Yeah. It's not like I tested it, right? I mostly were just finding tropes and associating them with drinks. Like you do, you don't really test these things. Right, yeah. So yeah.

But it turns out that, I mean, I think someone had wound up with more alcohol than blood in their body. Do I remember that right? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, that sounds right. What a way to go. That is a winner. I like him.

Speaking of safety, the next episode starts with all. Aquaman giving some, uh... Yeah, well, these are the last of my notes. Let me kind of wind our way through this one, because this is the last of my notes. I got a clip if you want me to... Yeah, yeah, let's do the clip. Those look pretty rusty.

Oh, hi, Aquaman. Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have left them out. Want to use them now? Going skating with some of my buddies. Rusty skates, wobbly skateboards, and bikes that need fixing often end up hurting somebody. Hmm, maybe I'd better clean and oil these. Keeping toys in good repair is the best way to have fun instead of an accident

All right Move up your skates kids I was going to say that this is a universe where like I guess G.I. Joe had this too where like the kid's just like Mining his own business and then a fucking superhero jumps out of the lake And you're like Jesus, are you been watching me this whole time? Yeah, your skates look a little rusty kid You're like you should not know this many details about my life

Didn't you see my previous PSA on Stranger Danger? We're always watching. Always watching, child. It kind of gives the appearance that Aquaman was trying to get to that shark story, but he, like, showed up too late. It was like, all right, well, I swam all the way here. Rusty skates, sure. I was here for the skates.

I like how they have to always put some kind of happening on a dock or next to the beach because there's no natural way for Aquaman to help out. in like 99% of human activities. So where does a boy fiddle with roller skates? At the end of a pier, like you do. And that's thoughtful. Sometimes Aquaman will just jump out of laundry hamper. They do not care on this show how the pair characters get from one point to another.

I used to capture things in the show where like they'd forget that Batman can't fly. So Batman would just like shoot into the sky. I don't know. I don't care. Oh, man. If you have more to say about skate lube. I never don't have enough to say. I just, I don't like Aquaman's advice that keeping a toy in good repair is the best way to have fun.

That's the opposite of the truth. Breaking toys is like the funnest you've ever had with a toy. So fuck Aquaman, that's all. Yeah, he doesn't know how to party. Well, they're all cops. Yeah, yeah. If you're a narque, if you're a narque, keeping a toy in good repair is the most fun you can have. Right.

Exactly. That's it. That's the end of my notes for this. So now I'm just kind of, I'm going with what y'all say, and I got the little show pulled up just in case. Sweet. Then Brian, lead us through pressure point, if you don't mind. Yeah, absolutely. So, all right, we start out with what, four kids on motorcycles and they're in the desert. You know, they're having a good time riding their motorcycles up a hill, which doesn't seem to be that incredibly difficult to do. One of them does it. No, they pull off half a rad jump. Yeah, exactly. But they seem to think. I think the climbing the hill is like a real skill issue. I have a clip if you want to tell me to play it here. Hey, wait a minute. I'm going to climb that hill.

Jerry, forget it. You're not good enough. You'll never get halfway up. Just watch me. I'll get me for long. I'll show them. Okay, Jerry. Okay, so this doesn't go where you think it's going to go.

Right. Jerry does not climb up into a clock tower. No, yeah, so Jerry, who we also have to mention, unlike his four friends, he's a, he's a little on the hefty side. He's a husky boy. And yeah, and so it's heavily implied that the reason he can't get his bike up the mountain is because it's carrying a little extra mass. And so, you know, hilarity ensues when he starts rolling backwards and you hear all the sproyingy sound effects. And everyone has a good laugh at Jerry's expense. Poor Jerry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the 70s were cruel to children of size.

But then, you know, he says... There wasn't as much corn syrup in the food, though. So there were fewer of them. Yeah, you had to work harder at it. Yeah. But yeah, so then he, you know, he promises slash threatens all of his friends that he's going to show them all. And he's going to jump Rattlesnake Reveen. And not like at a different time, like right this second.

Right. So the guy who couldn't get his motorcycle up a hill is now going to leap over basically a canyon that no one has ever successfully leaped over. So this is like, we can just say it. Like, Jerry's just so embarrassed. He's mortified. He's going to commit suicide. That's what this is all about. Yeah.

It's either he earns their respect or dies. That's the choice he's made. Exactly. They don't even wait to watch. They like just leave to call the Wonder Twins. They're like, okay, you go do that. But like, yeah, this is obviously an emergency. This is how someone from Arizona commits Sepuku.

It's, you know, they've been dishonored. They just jump their motorcycle into a ravine and that's it. So they call the Wonder Twins who were at the Ice Palace, which you would think would be, you know, like Zanz, I don't know, his policial manner. Right. Yeah. made of himself. This is his universe. Right. And it turns out, despite being a guy who can turn into all forms of ice, he's absolutely shitty. It's ice skating. You know, Jana has no trouble with it. This dude, he can't even figure out how to get one foot in front of the other.

And then he gets shown up by Gleek, which is just like maybe the most humiliating thing that can happen to a person. Yeah. Gleek's whole job is to fuck up. And here he is just like, yeah, I can ice skate better than the ice guy. Yep. He should be able to speak to the ice, right? Like, come on. Yeah, exactly. I was trying to think, like, being ice implies he kind of understands, like, how ice gets around. Like, he's an ice boat sometimes.

So you'd think, like, he'd know how to move on the... I don't know. I'm overthinking, obviously. Also, I think we described all their antics. Like, there's not even, like, a punchline to the zaniness. Like, the monkey's just good at ice skating the end. Yep. It's weird.

It's almost worse when they don't try. And what do they do next? They fuck us Hannah Barbarbarist style. by recycling animation from the previous episode. What are they turned into? Oh, 10 foot eagle. Oh, standard eagle and water. Yeah.

Yep. Exactly. Yeah. They do this a lot. Yep. They've been told that, you know, that Jerry's going to try to jump the canyon. So they bucket of water, eagle over to rattlesnake ravine. And, you know, his friends are standing next to the ravine.

They're saying, Jerry, don't do it. Don't do it. One of them is saying, you're going to kill yourself. And I can't tell if they were pro or anti-Jerry killing himself. So how do our heroes save Jerry from a certain demise? Yeah, Jerry goes up and immediately blows it. Like he's falling to his death instantly. Yeah, not even getting to the ravine yet.

Like, he's just eating shit. Yeah. And so Zan leaps out of the bucket, falls down to the floor of the ravine where he becomes gelatin dessert. Yeah. Fucking what? You know what, I have a clip. I'll play this clip.

It's like a full minute long. It's the best. Thank Christ. I'm the one to be laughed at. Off control. Come on, sis. Put your wonder wings in overdrive. It's time for a little wonder bounce power.

Geloton dessert. What a hot. Your twin's super scooper. Shape of a giant peligan. Oh, God. It's a pelican. There's a pelagin. Shut up.

That's barely a written line. Scooper, scooper, pooper, scooper. She's just like a googoooooo booby-poopoo pooh-poop. She says that with her mouth full of Jerry. It's kind of incredible now that I think about it. Yeah, we can all agree. This is the first and last time that Jerry's ever going to be in a woman's mouth, right? Ah, hey, hey-oh.

Shit. We're getting blue. I like that he falls from, like, the top of this canyon onto, like, a foot of jello. No, I'm sorry, gelatin dessert. Right, yeah, yeah. And I don't see, here's the thing. I don't think this would work.

Like, you could test it at home. Drop a fat guy 100 yards onto a foot of jello. See what happens. See if a fucking pelican catches him when he's the 1950s casserole. Sean, I don't think. Sean, disclaimer. This is how the drinking game got you in trouble. You don't encourage people to do this stuff.

I take it all back. This is the best episode of One hundred twins I've ever seen. Because he bounces off that jello like. Oh, yeah. Higher than when he came off of the cliff. Yeah. Like he is so high in this guy, finds himself in a pelican's mouth with the most nimble of tongues. Oh, man.

Oh, shit. Yeah. And then I guess, you know, he gets deposited back down and, you know, he just like, I'll never try doing anything ever again because I'm bad at everything. That's really the lesson he took is just stop doing stuff. Dome ass. Then we were introduced to a new animal, a pelagon. Right. Yeah, pelagon, very powerful.

It can fit a whole human man in its mouth. Yep. And then Gleek like starts up a motorcycle and gets scared and then walks back into frame where he's like completely. scrunched up into his own helmet. I don't quite understand. But anyway. Yeah, my notes say, what, fuck you. Yeah, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All things glee, fuck gleeke. Hey, glee. Because they all did this. They put those tiny little like chibi 1970s characters to every Scooby-Doo rip off. So they all had one. And it was just annoying chaotic energy. And it's like my least favorite thing. It's like fucking Gur from Invader Zim. I don't like those kind of characters. Piss me off something fierce.

I like Gurk because he belongs in that universe But like the thing about Gleek is he brings like a Looney Tunes cartoon logic to I mean a stupid universe Super Friends is not consistent But like theoretically you kind of have your head wrapped around What a Batman Superman universe is and here comes Gleek Who's just kind of like just in a wrong cartoon Like he's doing Plastic Man shit Yeah I don't know

That's a good way of putting it plastic man shit Yeah exactly You're like all right these Plastic Man's whole thing is that he breaks the rules He's a spider ham. Yeah, you know, whatever. Exactly. So, okay, the thing that happened in this cartoon, a fat kid almost died on a bike and they saved him with Jello and Pelican.

But the other episodes on this same episode of Superfriends were forbidden power, where a space sphere has forbidden power and a crazy professor breaks forbidden star laws to unleash a giant crab claw rat and enrage space hobgoblins. and the other one is the Lion Men where Space Lions steal the entire Earth and split it into chunks to sell it like they turn the earth into a giant orange we can see it, it is in chunks That's wild And then they had a day of the rats

Where Black Vulcan and Batman fight an ocean of rats It's pretty awesome Those are the other three that you got to watch That we didn't get to watch Yeah Well no no no you didn't get to And in your face.

So I have one more clip about safety, and then we have one more episode to talk about. We'll do that on the bonus, and we'll wrap this. So here we got this, one more safety from Aquaman. Hey, fantastic place to play. Let's go. Hey, wait, am I dangerous.

Sissy? She's no sissy, she's smart. Aquaman. Construction sites are bad places to play. You can really get to do. hurt. Yeah, I guess I was being kind of silly. All your friends are over at the park. Come on, I'd like to meet them. Okay. Okay. Aquaman, you are making a lot of sense up until that very last line. Aquaman safety tips. Yeah. Keep your toys looped and he wants to meet those kids. He's been keeping an eye on.

I've got more roller skate lube for everybody. Aquaman says you have friends. I want to meet them. Yep. Yep. Also, it's weird you knew where my friends were Aquaman. How do you know who I am? watching, always watching. Why were you watching my friends in the park? This is like the closest that they ever come to actual safety advice. You know, playing in a construction area, it's definitely something I wanted to do as a kid. And I did. And almost got hurt.

So, you know. And I still do. Yeah. There you go. I mean, that's the great thing about being an adult. You can do all the things that you wanted to do as a kid. Hell yeah. True.

And you're strong enough to take shit, too. Exactly. I think a more important lesson is to stay away from Aquaman. Yeah. But you can't. Yeah, he's everywhere. I'm not saying he showed up on the Epstein list, but I mean, it was an island. So.

He's first on the list, A for Aquaman. Man, I'm losing it. He's welcome to the 1-900 Hot Dogdust stage, a brand-new comedian debuting here tonight. The insult comic with class Lord Jimathan. Oh, thank you, thank you. That's quite enough, though I should say, flattery, we'll get you everywhere. Oh, what a supreme audience we have tonight. I recognize a lot of faces, though they might not like me saying that. Oh, I see Aaron Crostin here, a peacock in everything but beauty. Aho, Adrian H, I see Adrian H here, Alex Nolenberg, Alpha Scientist John,

Javo, An Andy, Armando Navar, Autumn Armstrong Berg. Oh, I see Brandon Garlock, he has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen are never remembered. Oh, Brian Saylor, Brockway famously loves the meat milly, a little too much if you know what I mean. Cyril. Christopher Worthen, I am told porkpacking is the most valued profession in America. Tell your mother, I said, thank you for your service. Oh, I'm so naughty. Common sense, I see Greg Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schell.

Popularity is the only insult that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. A Delta Fox Trot, I see Devin the Rogue Supreme here, I see Dusty's Rad Title and Elizabeth Schope. Elliot Watson is said that he can talk brilliantly upon any subject, provided that he knows nothing about it. Oh, oh, Eric Christian Berg is here, fancy shark, Jello, good Satan and his hot witches, I see you there. Greg Cunningham, Greg Cunningham is an excellent man. He has no enemies and none of his friends like him. Oh, oh, I slay, I truly do.

A haraka, Harvey Pengweenie, honk! I have here, I want Brockway to say Dyke, which I'm allowed to do, because this accent might be Dutch or something, you don't know. Jabber Al-Aid, James Boyd, Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, it's the perfect man, always dull and usually violent. Oh, oh, Jared Ruiz, John Deek,

John McCabin, John Minkoff, a lot of John's here tonight, you know what I'm saying. Josh Quicksall, it is said some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go. Eh, but no really. Go fuck yourself, Josh Quicksall. You know what you did. Joshua Graves. Justin B. Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book. Give her a few minutes, folks. She'll get it. Ken Paisley, K&M, I see KVH, I see Elaine Haygood here.

Lisa, oh, she seems like a good citizen, or a faithful wife, or something else equally tedious. Oh, Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broy. I see Mercenary Cicidman here, Michael Lair, Mickey Lohman, oh Mickey Lohman, such keen student, always ready to give his betters the full benefit. of his inexperience. Oh-hoo! Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N. D. Neil Bailey, Neil, they say there is no sin, except stupidity.

So tell the devil I said, Hello! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, fuck you, Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer, Naku 104, Nick Levino, obsolete. Ogii Wan Supreme is like the best art. All style, unpolluted by sincerity.

Oh, I'm told One Ball Inn has been received in all the great houses. Or once. I kid, I actually like One Ball In. Henri Weevil, Ozzie Olin, Patrick Herbst. I see Peewey's uncle here with Rebrandrew and Red Wine Time. Riannon, hello Rihannan. Russell Bauman. Oh, Russell Bowman, everybody.

You seem, Russell, you seem the kind of person who's brilliant at breakfast. No, don't get that one? Go team up with Katie Favel. Maybe you two can figure yours out together. Sam Copnick, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Seed. Space Jam fan, I may not agree with you, but I shall defend to the death. You're right to be a dipshit. Spotty reception, super not, day to stays, 10H, Thomas, Thomas is such a good friend, he will always stab you in the front air, who. Thomas Cavatzos, Timi Lehi, Toastigan, I see Tommy G here, Velo, Velo, is the kind of person who deprives one of solitude without providing one with company. Oh, that one was bad.

Victor Malavankan, Booster, Whalen Russell, I see Yvonne Clavum here, Zach and Eva, Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language. As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm. And as a wiener, he is everything but plump. Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I kid, of course. Thank you. Thank you all.

I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths cause wrinkles. Oh, ho! Ah, no, but seriously, folks, truth is everything. Stay true. One must always strive to be true to what they are, even if what they are is a nasty little cunt. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.