The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 278, Ninjas and Super Spies with Eddie Doty

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

An RPG with a title like Ninjas and Super Spies might sound too good to be true. Anyway, Seanbaby, Merrit K. and special guest Eddie Doty "play" it. That's the show. FUCK YEAH!

dot com. Go subscribe on our Patreon. It's patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. We have daily articles about crazy things. It's hardly any money. We're the only ones alive still doing it. 1,900 hot dog. Hot dog, what a deal. I'm the internet, Sean Baby,

and Brockway is off doing emergency hunk work. So I have two guests today. Our first is a producer and editor, most notably from the time that lady pooped on the floor during season two of flavor love. I think her name was Daflo Pupa. He's Eddie Doty!

I don't know why I remember this, but her name. was something. You know what? I actually knew that. I was just fucking around. No, I couldn't. I'm like, wait a minute. Do I actually remember it? And I do, I happen to remember their name was something. How could you not? What a magnificent appearance on television she made. Uh, our other guest, she's an author and a hot dog columnist. The Leprocon, then your mom from Taiwan. She's Merritt K. Hey, good to be back. I was trying to come up with the flavor, flavor nickname for you. Yeah, that was way out of control. No, no, I liked it. Yeah. There's no way he would

call you the leprechaun denouement from Taiwan. I think he would call you like hat or something because you are wearing a hat. Not to not to appeal back to the curtain or stress test the limits of my NDAs, but I will say that about 80% of those nicknames that

that, like we had to remind Flav like probably five or six times. Destroy my illusions. No, no, no. But like what like some of the producers would have like kind of like target nicknames for some of the girls and and you know, So like Hoops, for instance, the producer would be like, hey, Hoops, tell him how you play a ball.

And that would just, like, implant into Flav's brain. And then he would usually run with it. Sometimes, though, he would come up with his own spin on it. Ergo. Something. Something. Because that one, she came up, and she wasn't, like, the most beautiful of the contestants. So you could tell he was trying to put that in a nice way.

And he just kind of gave up. He's like, you know, you're really something. But I think the worst was when there's the twins. And he's like, yo, I read a book when I was a child, Dr. Seuss book. Yeah. And he called them, did you watch the show, Merritt? Because he called the twins thing one and thing two. That was season three.

And at that point, I think collectively in the edit room, we're all like, what are we doing anymore? Like, what are we should do? We shouldn't allow this. Yeah, we should have given him the trap door. Let's do some plugs because, you know, this game might get out of control. Eddie, where can you send people? I can't send it. Your project's always so secret.

And they're nebulous with like our with our like crumbling economy and infrastructure around us. There's that too. And as you know, the games industry, Sean, like everybody's marketing budget rolls over in April. So they're like, what do we even want to do? And that's kind of like, we're in early conversations. But I will say I'll announce here publicly, I'm developing a TTRPG based on hand-to-hand fighting. And I'm having some early conversations. Oh, shit.

With any luck, with any luck, we'll be playing a hopefully much better version that this game of fucking ninjas and super spies actually inspired. I can't believe, I can't believe that the still water runs this deep. But yeah, I mean, this very stupid game we're about to play is somewhat responsible for the bulk of my professional life. So, yeah, so hopefully we'll have more to announce on that soon. Excellent. Merritt, where can people find more of you? Yeah, so I do a podcast called If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes with my buddies, John Warren and Nikki Grayson. And it is just kind of a mess around podcast.

But the way I pitch it to people is by saying that we, of all the three people mess around podcasts in the world, between the three of us, we probably have the most slur passes. We have like the broadest slur coverage that we're allowed. That's true. Whereas most, I think, are like basically zero. We get to really run, get silly. We still do them, but we just have Jamie edit them all out. Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah, it's called If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes. It's a podcast. You know what podcasts are. You're listening to one. You can get it wherever. It's free. It's a real five out of five mess around. Yeah, it's, you know, it's good times.

That's off the record. Do not use that as a poll quote? Ah, too late. Too late. Damn it. Today, as you, I definitely already figured out from Eddie's pluck. We're talking about ninjas and Super Spy. Oh, my God.

This is the RPG system designed by Confused Maniac Eric Woodchick. Merritt just did a column on this. And I know this was a contender for your origin story episode, Eddie. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Like this was in the discussion. Yeah, I'll just say it now.

Yeah, like literally this fucking dumb, dumb game changed the trajectory of my life and no small measure. The story goes something like this. I moved around a lot, so it was like, it was hard to like, find, I was wanting to do martial arts. My older brothers in martial arts. I could never like find a good school. And then finally, I saw, I love the Robotech RPG game when I was a little, a teenager. That's like, I would say, I would argue the Robotech RPG is probably the best Peladium game that they ever made, which is admittedly a low bar. But, um, but it was a good one.

And then so Nidges is a super spies. I mean, you see that cover and you're like, how the fuck can you not just immediately buy that game? and the way they broke it down by styles, it helped me understand very poorly at the time, mind you, but help me understand like martial arts through the lens of like game design. And there happened to be a Tai Chi school near me. And sure enough, I was like, oh yeah, there's a Tai Chi school.

Well, I can see I can do a special palm attack if I study Tai Chi in real life. And so then I did. And then that just, and then everything else like for me, like my first documentary was about martial arts. I ended up doing producing critical role. Like this, this weird, weird, weird, dumb game just finds this way to, like, manifest itself. It gave you all the skills you needed in my life.

Yeah, exactly. And we'll get to skills because Jesus Christ's palladium. And how can you not, like, talk about? For people who've never played these, they, it is like someone just sort of taking just all the broad knowledge one person might have just from a life, just a real mediocre life. Just like I have a television and I went to public school. dude. I know this amount of thing. And then taking those,

just writing them all down. Like, what are all the skills the person can have? Like, rock climbing, stage magic, basic math, coin collection,

basic math. And then taking all those, and then translating that into RPG. Like, what would coin collecting give you? I guess you'd have like plus one focus? I don't know. You know,

uh, so it's, you could see like as sort of a, just a building endeavor. Like, it's a really fun project. like to just so that's what I see in these games like god it's supposed to have been so fun to write this but then there's no depth to it there's hardly any like um world building or adventure and

stuff so like like in dungeons and dragons here's how you make your guy but then here's like the fucking world you adventure through it that's not the same in palladium pladium palladium's like okay you made your guy you're never going to play it right that was the fun but the time you're done making your guy the weekend the sleepover's done like you're not you're not because as cool as it is to have all these skills each skill has like a percentile associated with it, which is modified by like six different bonuses or penalties. And it's just like, you just get sick of it halfway through. And you're like, I sort of did like broad strokes because I was like,

I was having flashbacks to being like 12 years old. And it's like, oh, fuck this. God, I don't care. I just floral arrangement. Sure. Well, not to, you know, I took floral arrangement as a skill. I did. Yeah.

But something that like I loved your article, merit by the way, and I'm just genuinely huge fan of all your articles on 1-900 Hot Dog. Like I absolutely find myself just like smash reading everything when your name comes out. But one thing that this, your article reminding me of, is that the way you build a character, if you build a character as they prescribe in order that they prescribe it,

you could be a situation where you roll your stats, you're too low of a stat to take the thing you want. And then you take something else, that thing gives you a bonus. which then could have gotten you the thing you wanted. And it's, you know, like, there are a lot of things I was locked out of because I had,

I think I had an IQ of eight. And then like, nothing can boost that, but like your mental endurance and then your, your mental affinity can all get boosted by stuff. And then it's like, well, shit.

Like, why couldn't, why couldn't I just like know that I want to do the thing and then assume that I can get the bonus from it? It's this really stupid system where like most games, like D&D and stuff, just let you assign, points, right?

I think maybe older versions of D&D had dice rolls, but like, Play-DM is like, no, no, no. You roll 3D6 per stat, and that's your human life that you are stuck. Like, if you're playing by the rules, that's you. And there's no re-rolls. And if you wanted to play a karate guy and you didn't get the correct score on 3D6, sorry, your entire campaign, you're playing like some gizmatier dufes instead. Well, and that's, and that's the thing is that, like, when you, when you buy

D. Gizmeteer. Yeah, Gizmeteer. There's like way too much. There's way too much of the book dedicated to Gizmeteer skills, by the way. Like that's like it's like a quarter of an inch of pages dedicated to Gizmeteer. The other thing is that like with the way, if you buy D&D any edition like right now, it'll say, hey, it'll give you multiple options of how to arrive at your stats. This you can, there are several very like possibilities where you are just fuck from birth.

Like I have I have an SDC of 40 and a hit point of three. Just like real life, you know? It's so real life. Just like real life. Exactly. I'm tough, but I've got angina apparently. So, yeah. So I don't know.

Oh, man. Oh, man, I rolled 40 pound penis. Oh. No, I'm 510 and 151. So I don't know, man. I don't like the proportions on my guide but don't make any sense either. So there's a part here at the start of the book I love

where the author's trying to like, I guess, build up some rhetorical authority. Like, yeah, but he has the saddest list of what makes him qualified to assign dice to types of dick kicks, as if, like, anyone gave a shit. It's like, like if someone said, hey, I'm just some guy who watched Itman nine times, I'd say, well, okay, go ahead. You can write the Wing Chun karate book. You're qualified. And this guy's like, no, no, no, listen, listen.

So anyway, Mary, you clip this in your article. I'm going to read it. He calls it a couple of quiet disclaimers, which is just the saddest little wussy way to say it. to begin with. Disclaimer number one. The martial arts described here, even those with real names, are not to be confused

with those in the real world. First, the details are largely rearranged to make for better game balance. For example, advanced Akito students often work with sword and staff, yet that is not mentioned here.

It's like, look, I know, Akito readers, look, I know, you're like, where's my sword at? I've been working with my sword for three weeks. I just want to apologize to Akito readers. Okay, anyway, this next part is the funny part. My formal martial arts training extends to a green belt in Taekwondo. A semester of college in Hungarian-style fencing?

And a few keto lessons. However, so, okay, he understands. That's not a lot. However, talking about the martial arts has been my, lifelong passion. Among my close friends, I've been able to count black belts in Akito, Ishin Ryu, judo, and taekwondo. I've had lengthy conversations with practitioners of Bojutsu, Jikundo, Jiu-Jitsu, Kendo, and Mudo Kwan. I've been filled in on everything from the hardships of training directly under Bruce Lee to the use of defense of martial arts in the

alleys of Detroit to hand-to-hand combat experience in the jungles of Southeast Asia. So this dude, fucking on a Batman journey in his brain just from like fucking Oh you do Bouchy Just to like right Talk about them Yeah Yeah

So fucking What I glean from all this This is his words again What I glean from all this Was a sense of the differences In the various forms Contrary to popular opinion The various styles have almost nothing in common

Oh Oh that's so fucking great The Pladium system is so like Not meant for any of this So the difference between like one kind of punch and another is just like, they're all 1d6 punches. Like it's, it's not. It's either one's way weaker than the other or not.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And this, this runs into a like a, so again, my, my journey through the palladium system was Robotech, which I would dare say the palladium system is best meant for. Okay. If you're in a giant fucking mech, yeah, make a damage. You hop out.

You're a squishy SDC boy. Get in your goddamn meck. That's like your whole, that's like your whole thing, right? And that makes sense. Then with this, it's like, okay, everybody is a squishy SDC boy, unless you've got cybernetics. And then you're just, and then Merritt, what I think you did so good in your article was mention the fact that it backs into a certain realism, which is just like, guess what, karate boy? You can't karate chop a bullet. It's like a 22 caliber pistol is going to fuck your shit up while your karate block does goddamn nothing.

Eddie, remember when we went to the shooting range? Yep. And there was a sign and it said, Kung Fu, my air. drag karate chopin a bullet And the photo The photo we took Like I looked at it the other day And it's like

You are on the pro gun side Because you're like yeah And I'm doing the saddest little Kung Fu hand hose Make it a little puffy poundy look The wrong side of that on it Yeah oh no I'm screwed Yeah

No it's but this this game like This game starts getting into the fact That like okay cool You can dedicate your life to Aikido Or you can have a hand That shoots stun guns Like, I mean, it's just, it's like, why would you even, like, have any other choice? Oh, so funny.

Yeah. Oh, there was one last part I wanted to read from this intro. He said, uh, with the karate black belt capable of annihilating hordes of thugs, be able to defeat a lone Aikido master. It's a student of the mystic arts of chi, the equal of a prize fighting kickboxer. This book answers some of those questions. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't.

Could a cat be a dog? What if the cat was quite large? I mean, could a juggler beat a clown? Could Mighty Mouse beat Hong Kong Fui? We know the answer if you reference our 94 style reference guide. Oh my God. By the way, it is worth noting that at least two of the martial arts styles in this book are not just made up, but they are made up and imported from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's RPG book,

which Palladium had the license for and lost within years. And Eric wrote that as well. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did. Which is why he just import. It's like, it's like the purely defensive one. And one of the ninjitsu styles is literally the goddamn ninja turtle style. Turtle style.

Yeah. It's real. It is real. You'll hide in a shell. You move very slowly. It disarms your opponent. They're like, why is that guy moving so slow? With special attack, shell shock.

With three other members of your party, you can slap your backs against your opponent. They roll one die for confusion. Okay, so I had both of you make a character with unlimited money, and we are going to take them on a journey of intrigue and karate. So prepare yourselves, get your character sheets ready. You don't need dice. Get your dice ready. Sorry. Okay.

Fine. The dice are great. No, they're not, but yeah. You're both in a seedy spy bar. Deadly battles of wits and fists, wage in nearby booths. Agents suck strawberry jam off the toes of their targets. Very standard spy stuff. Your contact sits down with you.

Don't look at me, ninjas and super spies. He says, I'm not even here. No, no, no, forget that. You need to meet my friend. His name is D-U-X. It stands for droid of excitement. He's accompanying you on this mission. He has the exact tools you're going to need.

Okay, then he tells you to look over there, and when you do, he's gone. Oh, shit. So D-U-X gives you your first mission. Okay. Tell me something really fucking weird about yourself. Okay. JEP, which is my character's name, JEP, JEP, JEP has just come off of his shift as a Baccarat dealer at Commerce Casino.

Okay. So he still got his like badge. Is Baccarat dealer in the RPG book or is this like? Crupier. I rolled it. I rolled everything. Crupier is in there as a cover identity. And yes, I did roll a cover identity.

Incredible. Um, Jeff. Do you get ability? Hold, do you get bonuses from being a croupier? No. I don't think so. You just not even like dexterity?

I, yeah, it's just like, I don't, I'm going to go to the page, but no, I don't think I get, I don't think I get anything for being a croupier.

I feel like if I saw someone do something really cool with their hands, like juggle a coin or something. I'd say, oh, what's that? And they'd say, close up magic. I'd say,

I'd say that explains it. I could probably, yeah, I could probably have a chip that I, like, shuffle between my fingers or something like that. Yeah, Yeah, exactly. Totally. Yeah, okay. We can we can we can homebrew that. But yeah, I've got like I've got like a little $5 yellow chip that I'm just like shuffling between my fingers. Fully you know long sleeves and pants and

gloves as well. But yeah, he just sort of he's he sort of sits down and yeah. So he walks over to Dukes I guess and he's he's I wouldn't say he's happy to be there but he's also not happy to be there. Not, not having to be there, I should say. Yeah. So he walks over to Dukes, I guess. I think, okay, so the assignment was to say something weird about yourself and you did list that you had long pants and shirt. And I think that's very weird. Not weird that you have them. Weird that you said that. Oh yeah. And gloves. And gloves. Yeah. That's pretty weird. Yeah. All right, Merritt, tell me something really weird about yourself. Okay. Yeah. So Lance Thrusthammer, Lance Thrusthammer's parents died when they were accidentally smothered to death by their 15 children in their small tenement apartment because I am the 15th child of 15, which I did get.

It's just a thing you roll. That's a thing you can be. I was raised by my evil aunt and uncle and forced to live in the attic and survived by stealing discarded food wrappers and licking the crumbs off of them. I was kept from the outside world, but constructed an imaginary understanding of reality from old TV guides. and now an adult kleptomaniac, which is true, he had a random insanity from the trauma of being raised by his abusive mountain uncle, and I got kleptomaniac. And he is also a genius because I rolled a 27 IQ. And so he invented Latin, Spanish, Italian, French, Portuguese, and Esperanto from first principles. Well, if we're talking insanity roles, I feel like I should.

You got some? I feel like I should. Oh, I got some. So, Jep Narnkish was abducted as a child and put into the Canadian unified cybernetic cartel, also known as Cuck. And because it's Cartel of the K. That's the only way I could get Cuck. And he was experimented on and given all sorts of cybernetic enhancements. However, the operator of the cybernetic enhancement installer machine was drunk and gave

Jeff the worst series of cybernetic implants in this book. And I didn't even use pigmentation augmenter, which is probably the worst, but I didn't want to like your article, I want people to read your article, and I would direct them there. But every other, every other bad one, like adjustable hair can take.

Got to get that adjustable hair. We don't want to use all your abilities on DUX's first question. For sure, for sure. because you're going to need these for the mission. Okay. For sure. For sure. DU.

He's a shitty robot. He's a shitty cyborg. That's all you need to know. DUX, he approves. He thinks that's all really weird. Then he tells you about himself. He says that he trains in, quote, chuan,

which is dog boxing. Dog boxing. This requires no attribute or alignment. Anybody could do this, but it does take 14 years to learn. And then I quote from the book, a dog boxing. expert, upon being attacked, may immediately fall to the ground and begin wailing as if terribly

hurt. Then attacks are made only when the enemy continues to attack. Students of Kuo Chuan are sworn to secrecy when recruited into the school. They are not allowed to reveal their techniques, their teachers, or even their fellow students. The school's public policy is to give demonstrations but to make them ridiculous enough so that no one will take them seriously. For example, In any fight that is not serious, the dog boxer is supposed to lose deliberately. This keeps future opponents off guard. Costume? None. Perfect.

Oh, man. Last thing I just want to say about Jeff's little backstory here, because again, it brought up in the insanity role. I rolled this. I want to be very clear about this. I did not pick this to be cute. Right. He is formerly insane, which means at any point,

His insanity may come back. His insanity that I rolled, mind you, he has a phobia of cyborgs. So he may just at any point look down at his shattered body and just begin shrieking out of fear once he kind of puts two and two together. I mean, well, you don't need to worry about DUX. He is a full robot, which you know because he has had his right arm stolen by kleptomaniac thrust hammer.

You've already got the right arm. Just off. Yeah. There you go. Amazing. He gives each of you a medal and says you passed your first test. And he takes you to an alley behind the bar. Two white men step in your way.

One of them is wearing a conical hat and a pizza chef apron. The one dress normal says, hey, this is racist Tony. And then a racist Tony makes a bunch of sounds I will not repeat. And his friend translates, Racist Tony says, sorry, you can't pass through here. Well, he said it with an L. Those are his words, not mine. No, those are also his words.

Sorry, racist Tony's translator said, those are his words, not mine. And then I also said them right now. Neither one of us approve of racist Tony, is my point. Racist Tony is too good at cool, Chuan to ever hope to fight your way through. In fact, he's already on the floor losing on purpose, a secret grandmaster this entire time.

So the only way you can get past him, is to share the most racist thing on your character sheet. Oh, easy. Oriental Studies. I'm sorry, I should have said this first. Before you read it, please state your name. Jep Narnkish. And I have the Oriental Skill Pack.

So it's like the whole suite of skills around Oriental Studies. So I get 20% of Chinese, 10% of Japanese. one to Tibetan and any three Oriental cultural skills. I got it. Oh, no. Yeah, you got to keep saying it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Also, I just want to point out. We should make it clear that they do not use the word Asian in the book or Southeast Asian or East Asian, nothing. Oriental every single time. Yeah. Also, that's one of the possible phobias. So you kind of lucked out with the cyborg thing. That's true.

So, I mean, I, to. demonstrate my god my my skills here I remove my left glove revealing my container hand and the only thing and it's the size of a regular hand you're not you can't store a whole lot of stuff in there

but I pull out my go set I'm really good at the game of go wow you too yeah from the oriental skills yeah you do you have go as well are we just like a bunch of webes like I mean you'll you'll you'll find out Okay. But yeah, I have I have my I have my go kit in my in my in my left hand just ready to go

That's that's that's how I would bypass this person's racism Amazing. Okay so uh merit yeah Lance Thrusthammer didn't like spec hard into racism he kind of did more like insanity but gotcha this is the so the best I have is that um after he escaped shaped the attic at 15. He apprenticed as a tennis ballboy where he quickly learned tennis and became a professional tennis player, which then took him around the world, where he studied go, spulanking, floral design, the usual. And in Indonesia, he became captivated by the art of Penkak Salad and learned the arts of the Parang, the Sabit and the Karambit. And at that time, he found himself drawn into the East Timorese resistance against Indonesian rule. So he learned

guerrilla warfare explosive construction and traditional Timorese dance. Fuck yeah. That's like kind of that's hot now after the raid. Everyone loves to be to be completely clear. I do not have any martial arts training. I just have weapon proficiencies in those weapons. So I don't know how that shakes out. You just stop by their schools and tried out all their weapons.

They're like, you want to take a class or something? Like, nope, I'm good. Exactly. Yeah. Do you want the fun curvy knife? Hell, yes, I do. Fuck yeah. You hold it upside down and weird and stuff?

Yeah, yeah, just hold it all kinds of weird ways. Okay, got it, got it. Vracist Tony is not super satisfied, but DUX steps in and says, I roll the five on the Oriental Heights scale, so I'm four foot nine. And obviously, I bought this. This cyber disguise number four, eyelid compression device. Oh, no. And I quote,

Tiny hydraulic pumps inflate and deflate The small sacks around a character's eyelids. These are used to change the appearance of the eyes From a flat, round-eyed Caucasian look All the way to full Oriental, Epicanthic fold, what some would call Who, we'll not say that.

Basically, I know what you're reading. I know exactly what you're reading. Basically, the eyes of the character can match any race. Cost, $45,000. bonus adds 2% disguise skill. I assume they meant to type 2 and missed. Can we talk about the typos for a second? Because Jesus Christ,

they misspelled Kyokushin karate four different ways. Yeah, it's incredible. I have the revised version and they did not revise any of that. No. Yeah. But what you have to realize about, I mean, Eddie, I'm sure you know this, but for anyone who doesn't,

Palladium was doing hand printing or like hand, like editing well into the 2000s, like maybe into the 2010s. So you can see columns of text literally copied and pasted, like physically copied and pasted between their books. Like a goddamn ditto machine. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. So like a lot of their typos just like make it from like Palladian fantasy RPG into like Heroes Unlimited into Beyond the Supernatural. It's kind of incredible. Yeah. No, it's it's yeah. And as they will tell you, design an RPG is hard because it's a skill you can acquire. in the game. Yeah.

Yep. It's pretty good. It like gives you good stats. They're really sure of themselves. They're like, they think very highly of them. Right. Because they stay up late. They're like doing this late night copy. It's, uh, okay. I was saying that like the cyber disguise, that horrible racist thing

squishes up your eyelids only adds two percent to your disguise skill. Like that's great. If I spent, if I spent $45,000 to make my eyelids Asian, like I feel like I feel like when you saw me you'd say hey wait a second I thought like my friend Sean this is dude this is fucking crazy

but like I think that that's 2% to disguise is like a different haircut do you remember Ali London like he he did he got he literally got surgery to try to make his eyes look Korean and I think it was about a 2% improvement

okay so it didn't change it much right but it's I feel like it's such a small change, but you've done something so racist, no one will ever forgive you. Yeah. Like it's a huge blow to like your social skills. Like I feel like Blackface gives you a 1% chance of improvement of like a disguise, right?

Like that's not fooling anybody. Like no one in Blackface has ever been confused for a black person. So this is marginally better than that. Yeah. I've seen the movie Soul Man. And in that movie, that shit worked. I will say that. Wait, hold on, hold on.

Are you saying that was a white guy in that role? Shockingly, yes. Fun fact, that sounds like a clickbaity TikTok article of like, you know, did you know that they actually had the white guy in the first one? You're right. Okay, so hold on. Before you continue, I'll do a Jason Pargeon thing here. For our younger listeners, Soulman was a C. Thomas Howell movie where he overdosed on tanning pills

to get a United Negro college funds. I guess that's how he snuck into school. It was like a grant or a scholarship or something. Yeah, it was a grant. It was a scholarship. Yeah, his parents cut him off or something like that. Yeah. Something.

That's a remember the movie. Yeah. And it's a real movie and it came out and he did the voice. Okay. I'm sorry. You can continue. No, it's all good. I was going to say, my character's adjustable hair follicles add 10% to disguise

skill. Right. Which feels, I don't know. Like, I don't want to. litigate the quantum mechanics of of disguise in the palladium system. But I just, it's still me. Just like, and it, by the way, in here, I can go from buzz cut to shoulder length. So it's not even like that significant of a change.

Wait, how long does that take though? How, that's a great question. It doesn't because they, yeah, the implant that changes the color for skin takes like two days. Yeah, you know, like, fucking. It takes so long to work. You got to do a black face hibernation. Yeah, it doesn't even. It doesn't.

Blackface hibernation. That's our death metal name. It feels like it can just suck it up pretty quick. Yeah, you're just reeling it in. Oh, man. That's funny. Because I think I was making the joke that like 2% disguise bonus is like a new haircut. But in this game, a new haircut is five times better than changing your eyelids.

By the way, I was just glossying over the three paragraphs they spend on adjustable hair follicles. And like the first two, I'm like, hey, it's actually not racist. and then the third paragraph comes along. And yep, there we go. What is it saying? Oh, it's just like, perfectly round hairs are very thick and straight. Parentheses, I'm not going to say it, like most of one race. And then ribbons for tight, kinky curls like most Africans.

So, yeah, Jesus Christ. Just going right into it. Oh, man. Okay. Yeah. I love the boldness. the boldness of just like, tech and glam writing about cybernetic hair.

I could just clinically talk about the races of man. I like, I like that you could theoretically build a $6 million man in ninjas and superspies, but like just solely with cybernetic implants designed to allow it to become any race. And none of them would work well enough to like act. It would just be like really offensive. Yeah.

It adds up to like 30. 7% chance of tricking somebody. The hair machine is $160,000, by the way. And that's like 1980s money. Yeah. Money will spend to make my hair go from a buzz cut to like Superman and the black outfit. I like, you go to the hair transplant guy and you're like, how much to just make it so it can like shoot like two feet long and get like African American if I need it? Yeah.

Oh, he's like, I. It's like 10 times more. 20 times more maybe. Like, that's a fucking deal, I think. Okay, so for the record, we pleased racist Tony. It's not something we wanted to do, but we did. Yeah, I don't feel great about it. No.

So now we can pass to the next level of the city, the lava level. Okay. Because I don't know the rules of the world. Like, let's say, the book spent so much time explaining honor. Like, the, if you never heard of that, that's the sacred, unknowable concept of only the Oriental. Again, the book's words, not mine. Yeah. The Eastern soul.

So there's no real world building. There's like these robot superheroes. It's compatible with Ninja Turtles. So I don't know how this world's like commerce or politics works. I don't know if you get sick if they send cyborg guerrillas to run you to the hospital. If there's ambulance centaurs, I don't know what the fuck the rules are. There's like one adventure in the book and it's like evil corporation wants to kill you with this spy group. You're like, okay.

But like, what do they eat? Is it safe to go outside? Like, okay, like I said, they just show you how to make a judo man who can do blackface, fucking the end. You got what you need. Like Merritt said, sleepover's over. You'll never get this group of friends back together in the same group. I did find this. It was a word about the setting of this game.

It was three paragraphs long after a full page of the author apologizing for being bad at karate. And it said, secretly throughout the world, there are batting. taking place. These conflicts, struggles attempting to limit the incursions of evil are between vast and powerful organizations. Innocence, like the President of the United States and the General Secretary of the Soviet Union, are simply not aware of their positions as pawns and these great underworld battles. So, okay, so whatever's happening here in this world, the very innocent President of the United States has no idea, which I think are the two main Republican talking points. Oh, politics!

Okay, anyway, here you are at the lava level. You meet a man who is mostly face. He says, my name is Modaf, mental organism designed against fucking. And he screams, you cannot pass unless we make love.

So now, you must enter the most alluring detail on your character sheet into his tummy console. Okay, I got you. Uh, I have a power grip hand on my right hand. And it can, it's got its own SDC of over 100.

All right. Is this the same hand where you keep your go game? No, my, no, keep track, Sean. My go hand is my left hand. Because that hand does not fuck. No, definitely not. For the record, as the game master. If you try, it'll just shatter upon impact.

My power grip hand, however, has its own SDC rating of 115. And I can crush, like, steal with it. I'll have to go back to the exact specs on it. But it's, I can take off that glove and just, like, give it a good squeeze. Also, just FYI. And you think penis crushing strength is a sexy thing for a hand to have. Totally his bag. Yeah, totally.

He's a gooner with, like, some, like, BDSM qualities. Also, the ring finger on that hand is the one shot bullet finger. Fuck, yeah. So I can fire one round in the course of a session out of my ring finger because I tried to pick the finger that would be the hardest to aim with. That is pretty sexy to rip somebody's dick off and then kill yourself. Which is what it sounds like that hand is for. It could accidentally happen at any time.

Just give like a cybernetically empowered hand job and then shoot yourself in the dick. What have I done? This is a bad idea. But yeah, so I have a power grip hand and the one shot bullet. And I like, I just kind of adjust my hair up and down. to like the length that modem would like. I have a physical beauty of 10. I just want to say.

Just want to say. You've entered that into his tummy console. He lets out a little purr. You can't tell what that means yet. Merritt, how about you? What is your care of Christmas? Yeah, my physical beauty is also 10, which is, I think, perfectly average. And my mental affinity, which is just charisma, is nine.

But there are no penalties in this game for having low anything. Okay. Which is really funny. You could have a IQ of three, which would, In their system, in their words, make it 30 and doesn't change anything. Physical strength of three, doesn't matter. So I've got, so Lance, so okay, he was in Timor. We'll skip over that part for now.

But at some point in his life, he was contacted by the RCMP after diamond trading in the Northwest Territories of Canada, and he was coerced into going undercover as a private tennis coach to get close to Quebecan gangster Jacques Leboeuf. And from Jacques, he learned about wine and fine food, which allowed him to create his cover identity of Winebuyer, Terence Devereaux. Wine buyer is one of the real cover identity in the game. And he fell into a Toroid love affair with Jacques's wife, which ended up getting her killed when they were discovered. And he escaped when the R.C. He rated the place and returned to America where he racked up incredible debts on Louisiana Riverboat casinos. Really quickly, Jamie, if we could add like a World Warcraft style ding for achievement unlocked,

Merritt, you have done more world building for this game than the authors of this game. A thousand percent. A thousand percent. Just want to highlight for you and the readers. I love Lance Dors camera. You put more fun into the world. He's pretty fucking awesome. I haven't even told you his class yet.

I don't even know what he does, yeah. What is he? No one knows what he does yet. We'll get there. Okay. We'll get there. It'll come up eventually, I'm sure. All right, this modeph enjoys these.

D-U-X steps up and says, this was actually in Merritt's article as well. He says, I actually, I studied as a worldly martial artist. And I quote, worldly martial artists are the kind who snuck out when they were supposed to be meditating, not being willing to devote themselves completely to the martial arts monk style existence. They'd occasionally hitch a ride to the nearest urban area for the worldly character. It was fun to find out about rock and roll, flirt with the opposite sex, right around on motorcycle, and enjoy social life in general. Okay, but that's not the sexy part.

The sexy part is from the Mystic China expansion book. DeWex took the level 11 spell, bring wood to life. So let me explain. Let me explain. You bring a chunk of wood to life, but listen, this is a quote from the book. The woodling knows that it will only live for a short, time, thus the resulting man or woman is most interested in pursuing pleasure. Laughter, song, dance, food, and wind are desirable, but it is a desire for love that most

motivates the animated lumber. While the spellcaster can choose whether the wood will turn out as a male or female, the exact appearance will depend on the type of wood. Pinewood will turn into a very pale, fine feature, delicate beings, while oak wood will tend to result in more voluptuous and sensual creatures. It continues. Traditionally, this spell was used as a way of testing the character of apprentices, prospective students, and those who claim to be following celibate vows.

The ravishing beauty, PB of 18 plus 2D6, would appear to the prospective victim, obviously willing, as well as obviously good and innocent. Often they were also given a cover story to go along with a seduction, something like, alas, I have been condemned to marry 91 of the hideous Yama kings of hell, my only chance to escape is to find some mortal who finds me attractive, and it must be this night, or I will be sent into the darkness forever. Again, this is all quoted from the book, and I continue this, is still a quote. It wasn't surprising that a fair number of supposedly, quote, pure men were found to be in bed with large pieces of wood the following morning.

This isn't what the, Jesus Christ. What are you? Not available celestial calligraphy. This takes six hours to cast. Eric. So we hang out for six hours total. Well, while you cast this. They take like a tree branch.

Six hours of very careful, non-calographic spellcasting. So I think people can see what we mean about this being insane. This guy is fussing about the subtle initiative differences between Twycondo and karate based on knowledge as close to nothing as anyone could have. But this is also a world where a tree can trick you into fucking it to get you kicked out of kung fu class. There are no rules in this universe. And what's crazy is, is like, the 41 styles of martial arts really, truly are not that different from one another and, like, mechanically in the game. Is that, like, everybody can kind of throw a punch.

Everybody can kind of throw a kick. And when it gets you, like, the different type of kicks that you can throw, it doesn't distinguish the mechanical difference between a crescent kick and a snap kick, unless it's like a special maneuver. And so it's like, all of it really doesn't fucking matter, which is why I chose Tai Chi. But it runs right into a brick wall of a six-hour spellcasting time. Which just, I don't know how the game benefits from that. We have defeated Bodef. Our erotic attacks are the one thing he was never designed to defend against. On the other side of the lava level is, of course, the jungle level.

Racist Tony is back and you don't want to know what he said. But you can tell from his despicable hand gestures, he wants a martial arts demonstration. He wants it stupid. What do you show him? Yes. I ask Tony to stand in front of me. with his hands at his side as I unleash the push hand attack. All right, so I will roll my imaginary dice.

Let's just say it lands. Tony is knocked down and pushed, and now I do need a dice to roll here. Oh, racist Tony is going to say something terrible. Eight feet backwards. Whoa! And, and he loses eight she points. Yeah, which... I did not even...

Yeah. Calculate his cheat points coming in. I did all racism backstory for racist Tony. To be really clear, I ended up... Tai Chi Shuan is actually the first martial art I ever studying. This is the first move you ever do. I think maybe the most I ever move somebody with it was about nine inches and not eight feet. That's like best case scenario of like moving somebody with a brush knee.

But yeah, that's a... In this book, I have drank eight of his, his G points from him. He could die. He could die. This book that could kill him. I could have just killed him. If she goes below zero, you just can't heal damage anymore. Yeah.

Basically, you get like an autoimmune, like an immune disorder. Yeah, you just dive in grown toenail with zero. She's very careful how we phrase that in the game. You get killed by a. Ha ha ha. Oh, my. Okay, Merritt. Yeah, I mean, I've got some possibilities here.

Clinging to life. Yeah, well, I don't actually have, I don't have any martial art skills, which in the book, they warn that any character without martial arts training is likely to be creamed. But what I do have is professional level tennis skills, which is real. I did the tennis skill twice. Yes. And I am a professional tennis player, a child prodigy tennis player. I also do have the demolitions skill package, which allows me to create complex explosive devices.

And so I do have a bunch of grenades. And I am going to use my tennis grenade style, exploiting tennis style, to cleanse the earth of racist Tony. I will allow it. Racist Tony is cheatless and exploding. and you can now pass. What a team we are. What a team. I just said, hey, Tony, stand here.

I knock him down eight feet. And you like volleyed a grenade at his head. Oh, my God. It's a perfect combo. Oh, man. So by the time you're done showing racist Tony removes, you've made it to the other side of the jungle. You see three expensive cakes next to three pairs of roller skates.

A man in a chef's hat stands by a sign that says minefield. He says nothing, only nodding to you and vanishing. On the other side of the minefield, three weddings. Wait patiently. All right. You need to roller skate these cakes across the minefield using the perfect skill from your character sheet. Shit. Okay.

Did I take roller scanning? I don't have. I don't think I took roller scanning. I have poetry. Okay. I fishing. Could I fish? Like, hmm.

Let me see if I owe you cybernoy. I fucked up. I gave DUX all of the 21 phobias included in the character creator, which means he's afraid of. Let me list these. Boats opposite sex. Dogs darkness. Warehouses. Orientals.

Psychic phenomena. Spies. Water. Drugs. Robots cyborgs. Flying police computers, strangers and cats. But he's also an alcoholic. And I rolled the 95 on the alcoholic scale, which gives him a plus 5% to all skills.

while he's intoxicated, and he is very intoxicated. So he's going to drunkenly, but skillfully, tell everyone at these weddings he's afraid of computers and Orientals. So I guess this means there's someone at the wedding, they'll say, there's no cake, but what an otherwise normal wedding? Because that happens to me at most weddings. So we might be able to bypass this just through the sheer alcoholism of DUX. Well, I was also going to say, I do have as a chi power vibrating palm, which I come to think of it, I should have used on the seduction of modem or modoff back there, because that could have come into the power grip hand. Can you do that with one hand? Because you got to hold a wedding cake with one hand.

And like maybe you could shoot yourself like a jet, a chi jet. Well, it says I can shatter any material object by setting up sympathetic vibrations that. are destructive in bold. It says there. Don't you have to like tap, like hit it physically, though? It's set. The requires characters complete and undivided attention. No other attacks, actions, their defenses can be performed.

The character can't even talk without withdrawing from the vibrations. And vibrations is in bold. You carry on a wedding cake, you've got to focus at least a little bit on the wedding cake. Yeah, yeah. I might be able to bring in my class here. I don't think I have any skills that are useful for it, but, um, So my class, just to reveal it dramatically now, is private eye, which sounds really boring because I don't get martial arts and I don't get cybernetics. What I do get, however, is a spy organization that I run and that I built out in tremendous fashion.

So I have essentially, well, I say spy organization. It is also an MLM. Because, crucially, I don't know when I'm ever going to get to talk about this otherwise. So there's a whole rules for building out, like secret agencies. So I have no office. I've saved money by having no offices. So everyone works from home. But I did buy impregnable security, which means that everyone's houses, I guess.

have, in order for them to enter or leave their houses, have x-rays, retinal scans, biochemical blood type tests, and genetic. So, I mean, I can only assume that means they're on their front door. This is like Mary Kay, an MLM with x-ray scans. That's just Mary Kay. Yeah. No one's heard of us, and we have no military power, but what we do have is no communication, so we have to use public phones, and no transportation, so we do have to take the But if I call my guys, they all have ninja weapons and ninja equipment and no real training in how to use them. So what I can do is send my speed-suited employees slash, well, their contractors legally, send them out into the minefield and sort of use that. Sales reps.

Yeah, my sales reps. To just blow up the mines. Just blow the mines. Yeah. This sounds like 4-7. I just want to say, it sounds like 4-7 that you're in charge of. D-U-X is afraid of spies, if you remember. So he's a little terrified of this, but looks on and wonder as you masterfully solve this task.

Again, technically, they're not really spies. I don't know that they have any training in anything. It's sort of a correspondence program. It's not a rational fear. That doesn't, like, soothe him at all. Yeah, okay. It's like the old Sears correspondence courses for, like, TV repair. It's like those drawing test things.

Like, uh, draw the turtle. Do you want to be a spy? Can you draw the turtle? You draw the turtle? There's a mind. Can you step on it? You might have the skills necessary to become a real out student. This is the test.

Like, these are all the people who just replied. This is the final test. This is the final test. Yep. And it is the final test. Yeah. Amazing. You've saved the weddings using your key ninja and super spy skills.

There's only one task left. A secret organization has arranged a secret tournament featuring every fighter on the planet. Yes. When you arrive, someone's head gets exploded by a punch. Your companion, D-U-X says, That's why they call this thing Bloodsport, kid. You have one second to either take down this criminal tournament

from the inside or enter it and win the entire fucking thing. I choose the third option, which is using my cover as insurance agent Dick Towell to sell the organizers head explosion insurance. I mean, it's not going to cover that last one, but any future head explosions, they'll be said. Hell yeah. That's a compelling case. Yeah, that's a compelling case to make.

I'm trying to see if I have any cybernetics that can help sell this. Oh, yeah. I have a needle eyeball. Sorry? It's an eyeball that shoots a needle. Can you still see out of it? No. Okay.

No, it's just an eyeball that's a fake eye that shoots a needle. I like how all of your body parts have like one desperate last move. I'm a shitty cyborg. I can't stress this enough. So hold on. When you say shoots, do you mean like, is it like a dark gun or is it like just it comes out and you have to be like, you know, cheek to someone? I'll read it. I'll read it from the.

book. Needle projector can be used with any eyeball, but commercial glass eyes will require modification. Tiny darts, usually coated with either anesthetic or poison, are fired out of the eyeball. The needle does no SDC or hit point damage. Range is limited to 20 feet, and there's a maximum load of six shots between reloading. Six shots? A fucking revolver eyeball.

Usually take 1D4 mailes to knock out an opponent. Poisons generally flick 3D6 damage plus 1D6 more than 2. Hold on, hold on, let, go back. Do it say usually? Uh, usually take one D4 melee. But this is a, but this is your game. Yeah, I know. Like you have, where, like, if I'm fucking, if I'm your game master and you say, yeah,

I hit him with the eyeball, it usually takes a couple. I'm like, no, no, no, you need to do like X amount of like chi damage or whatever the fuck. Like you can't, you can't just tell me, no, no, he's probably unconscious. He's not feeling the eyeball guns, all right? He doesn't travel the world talking to people about eye. He doesn't have the authority to say. Yeah. Before you finish, Eddie, did it say works with any eyeball?

Because it fucking does not. It does. Oh, yeah, sure. I guess it doesn't work with any eyeball. Like a natural human eyeball? Definitely not. Cyber eyeball? Cyber eyeball.

So it does, because there's also eye grenade. The sentence starts off amazing. It says, the idea here is to pop out the eyeball and throw it. Or if the situation is really desperate, It can be used for a 100% reliable suicide device. Just leave it in when it's set off. Does 46 damage. Yeah, exactly.

So I'm wondering if the needle eyeball and the grenade eyeball can be the same eyeball. It says explicitly it can use any eyeball works with the needle. So grenade eyeball counts as any eyeball. So there's so many eyeball weapons, you guys. You could stack all of these. Yeah, but if you throw your grenade eyeball, you're wasting how much money? All these other, yeah. Oh, don't even talk to me about money.

It's at least if you, well, If you stack the mini laser eyeball, then that's 80 grand right out the gate. Telescopic site. Yeah, mini laser, microsized version of combat lasers. You can be Cano. You can be so many superheroes. You could be literal cyborg. I think there actually is a rule in this game about being barred from certain countries.

That's a callback to an episode from like a year ago. Oh, it does say each eye replacement must be outfitted separately. Let's say that one eye Josh has a video nerve interface. face eyeball, a camera eyeball and three glass eyes. Yeah, you can't do that. See, he's, he's, he's, this game is rock solid. Can you add extra eyes? Yep. Theoretically, you could have, you could do a, uh, a pan's labyrinth and like have eyes on your hands, I'm sure. On my can, on my container go hand and my crush grip, I could have an eyeball in there. So you could just fill your container hand with eyeball grenades.

Bivocally accurate. It's an expensive way to fight. Yeah. Yeah. Like, sure. But it does, it is like such a good option. If you can have all this. shit. Wait, I think I know. I think actually you have floral arrangement, right? I do, yeah. The art of Ikebana. Yep.

Because I do as well. So I feel like we could really... I'm sorry, that broke me. That broke me, man. I'm sorry. The ancient doctor of Ikebana. Yeah, Ikebana. Yes.

Go ahead. We could, I don't know. I just wanted to shout out that we both have that. Just use your eye dart. Just fuck these guys. Yeah, I'll just fucking, I can shoot my eye dart and make me go to sleep. And then that way they, I don't know what that. will do to it win this situation.

Maybe you can sell them on the insurance as they're deciding, I knock them out. And when they come too, we can just tell them, hey, you already agreed. No take-maxies. Also, we won when you were asleep. It's like crazy. You should have seen it. Yeah. They have, the ancient monks do have cameras, but like the records got like burned.

So. Yeah. Yeah. I did punch out like six guys in like under two seconds. We were the best. Yeah. Everyone's gone home. They have cameras that can like measure your foot speed when you're kicking somebody.

Also, I traded my pencat's a lot of weapons for some orphans. Okay. Yeah. Excellent. Well, DUX, he has placed in the vicinity a number of ninja emergency kits. This is an assortment of items that a ninja might need in case of trouble. Nidjas will keep several these kits. hidden in various places.

Included in a small cloth bag would be a kiotetsu Shogi. Six, Shereikan. 12 caltrops. A three foot towel. A small cooking pot. Paper and pencil. Matches.

First aid kit, which includes bandage, disinfectant, small scissors, pain killer, lock picks, spare clothing, eggshell filled with blinding powder. Enough rice, soybean curd, and tea would be included for seven days of tight rations. It's $120.

You get one of these ninja emergency kits. Act now. But that's unrelated to his plan. He is also the master of weapon proficiency grenade. Hell yeah. And then I quote, Think just anyone can chuck a grenade? If your answer is yes, then you might want to think again.

Sure, tossing a grenade takes all the intelligence of your average chimpanzee. Figuring out when to throw the grenade is another matter. First off, not all grenades are fitted at the same delay rate. Some have a five second delay. some three seconds. Some can be adjusted to a variable rate. There's even some Soviet grenades that have a zero delay. They go off as soon as you pull the pin.

That's the end of the quote. You're going to be shocked to hear this. None of that's true. I think you might be wrong about some of that. What is the purpose of the zero delay grenade? Just, oh, fuck. I don't know. I feel like going to work today.

Yeah, fuck. It's the same as detaining your eyeball grenade in your head. I hate my soldier job. Or maybe like somebody fucked up at the grenade factory. Yeah. They're like, no, I'm, they're supposed to be like that. Yep. Oh, man.

Well, we've taken down the kumete or we've won the kumete. Either way, it didn't exist. Congratulations, ninjas and super spies. We did it. Hell yeah. Is there anything you really wanted to share from your character? that we didn't get a chance to during our obviously fantastic adventure? No, I pretty much, I mean, he can do electronic warfare and military intelligence.

He had some chi powers. He had the chi power of, of, okay, this is, this might be a little bit long-winded, so just bear with me here, okay? He could do both hard chi and soft-chea. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, and what that is, is an exercise. Oh, I thought you were done.

I thought the bit was that it was long-winded, and that was a lot-winded, and that was No, yeah, the bit is that's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. Yeah.

I mean, if you've got hard chi, what you want to do is you got to clear your pipes out, your chi pipes, right? For sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's why the power grip hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to drink some liquid cheese.

Drink a lot more liquid she. Yeah. So I didn't mention my third cover identity, which is International Diamond Trader, Wayne Treblecock. And, uh, is he like a singer? Is he like in an acapella band? No, he's a diamond. A nude a cappella band?

He trades diamonds. Oh, Trembalcock. Trembalcock implies that he's in a nude aquaella band. I mean, that's maybe his sidekick, his hobby, but, you know, his job is diamond trader. His cover identity's sidegick. Yeah, he learned from one of his 14 brothers who tracked him down because he was dying and wanted to know all of his siblings before then.

But also, I didn't mention that I rolled Driven on Character background, which means that he's in huge debt. and that's why he started the Spy Agency MLM because he owes so much money to Louisiana Riverwood Casinos. It's crazy. They keep sending guys after him. Yeah, and he can fly a helicopter. Oh, that would have been useful.

I should have put a helicopter machine. Yeah, I don't want to show off, though, you know. Well, actually, that was my two military, my basic military skill package. I just took all the pilot skills. Yeah, yeah. I took military and helicopter, yeah. Helicopter aviation and guerrilla warfare from. the whole East Timor thing.

Same. You know, between your experiences in Canada and my cover as a Baccarat dealer at Comish Casino, I'm surprised our characters have never, like, interacted before. Well, that's how we, that's how we met. That's how we know each other. Yeah. Yeah. Just so many.

It's like an Avengers when they're like, hey, this is just like hungry, remember? And it's like, you're giving like all these glimpses into their, their backstory. We've created such a rich backstory that like there is more lore between us than there is, yeah, in this book. 100%. There's 176 pages in this book, and yes, we have eclipsed the amount of... 90% of them are tables dedicated to tracking how drunk you are and how good you are at being a sniper when you're drunk. And the rest is apologizing for only having a green belt in Taekwondo. Einstein, Hoonert, Frankford.

Einstein, Hoardt. He's welcome to the 1-900 Hot Dog Stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight. The Insult Comic with Class Lord. Jimathan Jigglesworth. Oh, ha! Thank you, thank you. That's quite enough, though I should say, flattery. We'll get you everywhere.

Aho. What a supreme audience we have tonight. I recognize a lot of faces, though they might not like me saying that. Oh, I see Aaron Crustin here. A peacock in everything but beauty. Aho. Adrian H. I see Adrian H.

here Alex Nolenberg, Alpha scientist Java, Un-Andi, Armando Nava, Autumn Armstrong Berg. Oh, I see Brandon Garlock, he has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen are never remembered. Uh-ho, Brian Saylor, Brockway famously loves the meat milly, a little too much if you know what I mean. Ceryl Christopher Worthing, I am told porkpacking is the most valued profession in America. Tell your mother, I said, thank you for your service. Oh, I'm so naughty. Common sense, I see Greg Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schell. Popularity is the only insult that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. A Delta Fox Trot, I see Devin the Rogue Supreme here. I see Dusty's rad title and a lizard.

bit chope. Elliot Watson is said that he can talk brilliantly upon any subject, provided that he knows nothing about it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Eric Christian Berg is here, fancy shark, jelloho, good Satan and his hot witches, I see you there. Greg Cunningham. Greg Cunningham is an excellent man. He has no enemies and none of his friends like him.

Oh, I slay, I truly do. Ah, Haraka, Harvey Pengweenie, honk! I have here, I want Brockway to say Dyke, which I'm allowed to do because this accent might be Dutch or something, you don't know. Jabber Al Aden, James Boyd, Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, it's the perfect man, always dull and usually violent. Oh, Jared Ruiz, John Deeb, John McCabin, John Minkov, a lot of John's here tonight, you know what I'm saying. Josh Quicksall, it is said some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. Eh, but no really, go fuck yourself, Josh Quicksall, you know what you did. Joshua Graves, Justin B, Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book.

Give her a few minutes, folks, she'll get it. Ken Paisley, K&M, I see KVH, I see Elaine Haygood here. Lisa, oh, she seems like a good citizen, or a faithful wife, or something else equally tedious. Oh, Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd. I see mercenary Cicidman here, Michael Lair, Mickey Lohman, oh, Mickey Lohman, such keen,

Always ready to give his betters the full benefits of his inexperience Oh ho! Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, and D. Neil Bailey, Neil, they say there is no sin, except stupidity. So tell the devil I said, Hello! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, fuck you, Neil Bailey.

Neil Schaefer, Neku104, Nick Levino, obsolete. obsolete. Ogian Supreme is like the best art. All style unpolluted by sincerity. Oh-ho. I'm told one ball in has been received in all the great houses. Or once. I kid. I actually like one ball in. Henri Weevil. Ozzie Olin. Patrick Herbst. I see Peewey's uncle here with Rebrandrew and red wine time. Riannon. Hello. Hello, Riannon. Russell Bauman. Oh, Russell Bauman, everybody.

You seem, Russell, you seem the kind of person who's brilliant at breakfast. No, don't get that one? Go team up with Katie Favel. Maybe you two can figure yours out together. Sam Koppnik, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Seed. Space Jam, fan, I may not agree with you, but I shall defend to the death. You're right. To be a dipshit! Spotty reception, super not, Tater stays, TEDH. Thomas, Thomas is such a good friend, he will always stab you in the front air. Thomas Cavatzos, Timi Leahy, Toasty Gun, I see Tommy G here.

Velo. Velo is the kind of person who deprives one of solitude without providing one with company. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, that one was bad. Victor Malavankan, Booster, Whalen Russell. I see Yvonne Clavom here, Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language. As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm.

And as a wiener, he is everything but plump. Oh! I kid, I kid, of course. Thank you. Thank you all. I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths cause wrinkles. Oh, ho! Ah, no, but seriously, folks, truth is everything. Stay true.

One must always strive to be true to what they are, even if what they are is a nasty little cunt. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.