The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 281, Get Even with Mark Mahoney

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

Ahh sweet revenge, the kind one can only truly appreciate through years of civil litigation! Join Robert Brockway, Seanbaby and special guest Mark Mahoney as we learn about the finer points of getting even!

9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 hotdog.com. Go support us at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. We're the last people alive making funny things out of images and words. Every day you get a new article about a deranged real thing or sometimes an elaborate nonsense thing I make up. I'm Sean Baby from the internet. And my partner is the Pacific Northwest seven-time hunk to nearly watch. He's Robert Brockway.

Nearly watch. You got to keep an eye on me. I'm not saying I deserve to win, but you got to keep it. keep an eye on me. That's a good segue into my Brockway fact for today. Much like every single person who took any advice from the tape we will be discussing, I too have gone to jail. I have no questions.

Our returning guest is nonsense media collector and web 1.0 survivor, my old friend, Bad Candy Mark Mahoney. Welcome back. Thanks for having me back. I'm very excited to talk about this. As a constantly aggrieved middle-aged man with fantasies of revenge, I'm excited to talk about this today. And my feelings are only a little hurt

that nobody had follow-up questions, but that's okay. So today was the day we were allowed follow-up questions? I mean, not anymore. Like, I'm not going to offer this again. Did you really not say no follow-up questions? Did I just mentally fill that in?

I was prepared to answer a bunch of follow-up questions, but now I... Was it a sex thing? Was it a sex thing? Maybe next time you'll be on the ball That's all I'm saying God damn it Godor asses

I got an email from an attorney this morning warning me not to let Robert Brockway promote his book Under any circumstances But does anyone have any plugs? You know what? I am no longer legally obligated to promote my new book It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200

I just promoted it God damn it You can't stop me I'd already email them back Fuck you, we're doing it I'll be, in fact, I'll be doing a live reading of it at the America 250 celebration. I'm not dropping out. The surviving Vanilli.

Just me and Vanilla Ice are booked for that. In fact, he's in the book. If you like vanilla ice and fascism, please read my book. I really liked the guy from C&C Music Factory when he was like so fucking pissed off that people were saying, hey, you shouldn't do that. He's like, you know, fuck you. I'm going to go to North Korea. I'm going to fucking drink French wine. I'll do whatever the fuck I want.

And then halfway into his video, I'm sure you've seen this. He revealed that he was on the toilet the whole time. It's the most amazing, the most amazing video. It blew everyone's mind. Like all the late night shows, normally you do like a couple of quick jokes,

but this was like, no, no, no, we got to devote 20 minutes to this fucking toilet video. It's one of the greatest things that's ever come out of modern politics.

He was in like a fucking, A Catniss shirt from the hit film Huntinghunker Games. Holy shit. Yeah, dude, it's just the layers of strangeness. This is like somebody constructing a political cartoon where you're like, I don't understand the message anymore. There's too many things. Yeah, I don't watch enough news to get this.

But there's nothing to get. He's just a madman on toilet. Much like our country? Is that the metaphor? Yeah, I think I get it. Today we're talking about a 1990 VHS tape from Paladin Press. Mark is probably the preeminent collector of Paladin Press at this point. It's a little scary.

I have most of their books, but I think you have 50 times more VHS than I do. It's a pretty impressive collection. It's probably like 15, 15 or so videos now. I feel like this is a thing, speaking of legally dubious things, I shouldn't admit to. Yeah, do you have the illegal ones? Did you collect the illegal ones? Because there are illegal ones. There are illegal ones.

I've been very careful so far in the ones that I choose to bring into my home. Yeah. Okay, good. But with 15, that means your collection's probably in the four figures of American dollars. How does that make you feel? Not good. Not good because like... You spent over $1,000 on videos for like killing a dirt bag with a switchblade.

See, okay, yes. And the worst part is this actually, I was thinking about this today because I think it was the last time I was on here or the time before we discussed the day that the karate magic bled from your life. Oh, yeah. I feel like, yeah, karate size. Halladden Press never should have made because if you look at their books, you can kind of form a picture of a like a very like rag tag soldier of fortune group of guys, all experts in like. creating homemade thermite and stuff. But then you watch the videos and you're like, oh, these are just old fat dudes winging it.

These just like 60 year old virgins. Yeah. On their 50th year of ninja fantasy. I feel like that's true. If we're going to get into this, I feel like that's true of like almost all karate. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. Really, there is like a lot of overlap there between like, yeah, like backwood militias and right. guys who have strip mall karate dojoes. Paladin Press does a lot of martial arts, but there's always like an edge of murder to it.

Like it's always like how to bite your way through a street fight or how to like survive, you know, a bar fight or something like that. There's always like an edge of, and I think that comes from the insecurity that the martial arts community had after UFC came out, how they all like saw, oh shit, we don't know how to do that. Right. So they added like dick attacks to their, you know, formal karate protocol. So they're like, I would totally win in the UFC.

They just won't let me in there because I'd bite too many dicks. Yeah, too dirty. And that's like a pallet and press martial art. I think it's more that like now there existed a system to test to that. So like, yeah, like I, if this is so invincible, let's see how you do in UFC. And then you'd have to be, oh, but they made a rule against me. Yeah. I'm so nasty.

I totally would. But they said no magic, no dick by him. What do you mean? I can't bring knives into the off the door on the streets. You have knives. That's why they won't let me in. Or a denim jacket. In my book, I teach you how to kill a man with a denim jacket 18 ways.

But they won't allow that. They won't allow denim jackets in the UFC. They should. I think they will at the White House show. Speaking of more politics stuff. Yeah, like kid rock in there. Yeah. So they do, their videos are kind of like survival, self-defense, martial arts, but the dirty kind.

Knives knife throwing. They once published a. technical manual for Hitman in 1983, and they actually got in some trouble 10 years later when it was found in a murderer's house who followed its instructions. No one could have seen it coming. But today we're talking about revenge. So we watched, and thank you for ripping this for us, Mark. We watched Get Even, the video of Dirty Tricks by George Hayduke. And this is not a real person. This is based on a series of books. I actually reviewed one of them for the website. They are crazy, as you'll see.

which also was involved in a federally prosecutable crime potentially, right? Yeah. If you look up the USS Iowa turret explosion, there's a guy who built the bomb from instructions that George Hayduk put in a book. And he blew himself and 46 other people up on a fucking Navy battleship. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And the Navy leaked a story that he did it to kill his gay lover. And then a secondary team of investigators are like, no, that guy wasn't gay. You're fucking crazy. But that was like how they tried to like. They'll try to dissuade it. Yes, they tried to like, be like, hey, he's not like a regular Navy guy. He fucks dudes. Come on.

It was real. It was real messed up from from top to bottom. So that did get him in trouble. But like, George Hayduk's not a real guy. I don't even know who you prosecute other than the publisher. Other than Paladin Press, which you do. Right. Which you do prosecute. And I, yeah. But they're still around, I guess. Yeah. They folded in 2018.

Okay. Peter Lund, the founder, died. So very recently. So much. So much later than I would have guessed. Yeah. Yeah. They were around still doing stuff into the 2010s, the late 2010s.

Most of the books they publish, no good can come from them. Like some of them are like, oh, how to make your own like water filtration system for your fucking encampment, whatever. But then there's others that are just like, yeah, how to stab a guy so he'll bleed to death. How does this? survive the invention of the internet, like the popularization of the internet. I think that was a part of the problem. When the founder died, I think that's why they folded was they were just like, there's actually like no business model for terrorism.

But they made it like 20 years after the internet was a thing. Yeah. It's crazy. You could just look up a version of these things that maybe works like I or just look up that it doesn't. Yeah, probably as accurate as any of the books. A lot of it was like they would. get a hold of old, like military, like declassified or like theoretically declassified military

manuals and reproduce them. So they literally like, there is a book that you can find if you look a little bit on archive.org of all places that will teach you how to make thermite, which. Sure. Feels like a thing people just shouldn't know how to do. I don't disagree. But I also really like having a big Fourth of July and some thermite really like fucking up to the celebration.

Just go. Because that'll burn through the asphalt. Like that firework just keeps going. You can celebrate all night. Yeah. It's weird that the fire goes downward. The firework usually goes out. Yeah, you got to get real close to it.

And a couple people might lose some faces. It's not, you know, it's for America. It's for liberty. This video, it opens like most of their stuff by saying, this is just for entertainment purposes only. So it's airtight legal defenses. I declare I can't get in trouble this. No takes backses.

that's binding in any court. But it also continues just in case it says neither the writers, distributors, or the producers assume any responsibility for the use or misuse of any information contained in this film. So I'm for sure that you'll be fine if you get revenge on people using this tape. It starts okay, and then it gets a little dark.

I'm going to play the intro. It sucks. You're going to hate it. But I want you to get this unlikable tone that the video has. In a perfect world, you wouldn't need to buy this video. The videotape. Unfortunately, the world is not perfect. It's a jungle out there, and it's filled with every kind of con man, bully, and pervert that you can imagine. These are people who don't have any respect for you, your rights, or common decency.

Too often the victims of these low-lifes find that the laws that were designed to protect us just don't work. Where the law stops, the vigilante begins. The vigilante. The vigilante. I've never heard that anybody pronounced that word like that. Yeah. Yeah, come on.

Too French. So it's trying to sell itself like you're the hero, but I mean, I'm going to say the obvious thing. If you bought a Paladin press video and ironically, your judgment is bad. You're one of the jerks and perverts the system isn't equipped to deal with.

This is a video for the pettiest of desperate psychopaths. And you'll see that. Yeah, it'll be clear. That becomes very good. I've never hated anyone even close to enough to do literally any one thing in this video. Yeah, yeah. And all of it is extremely criminal. Like there's laws.

They say the law can't cover it. But like the lie is designed specifically to prevent most of the things in this video. It's, again, I'm not a lawyer, but most of these things I was watching the video, I'm like, yeah, you get caught doing that. You get in a lot of trouble. They also like will directly say at a few points like, Here's how you don't get caught doing that. Right. So you understand that it's like a thing that if you get caught, you will go to jail for.

Right. Yeah, yeah. I'm like the tone is so, it's just, it's so uneven. Because there are a few things in here, especially towards the beginning that are like kind, not exactly harmless, but like definitely fall into the like bad natured prank territory. Right. But then right, mixed in with them will be like direct assault will just be. you're like, all right, well, kill him. Just fucking kill him.

Yeah, like financial crimes and wire fraud. But I mean, I have enough toxic masculinity in me that I understand the need to dominate your enemies or the appeal of it, I guess. But a lot of this takes that away. Like, you're doing things and they theoretically won't know it was you. And that's like, it's just so petty.

Like you're just sitting there in your own, like, little soaking your own evil of knowing that just you cause someone harm, It's just, it's so foreign to a good person, right? Like, so this video is just for pieces of shit. Yeah, some of this, like, now that you mention it, you would never know if it had the intended effect. Like, it might. Like, you almost, like, need to, like,

kind of like astroturf a bunch of these things and just assume one of them hits. Yep. Some of them have the potential, at least, to be just beneficial for the person. Like, there was one in here. I'm sure we'll get to it in full. There was one in here that's, like,

I'll make him like falsely buy flowers for his mother every holiday. Right. Like, do you think he would like stop doing that? He'd probably be like, oh, I don't know how to have a charity in his name. Okay. That one is in here twice. Yeah, that's so fucking weird. I wasn't quite sure what the revenge was.

I don't know. We'll get to it. But I have a warning here just before we continue. Another warning. Third one of the show. All have been tested and are effective. These revenge tactics call. little or no money to the initiator, that is, and can be easily executed even by the mechanically

unskilled. Bullies and bad guys, beware. We are mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore. You know who you are. Like, I approve, but it's weird to use the fop accent for the good guys. It's just not done. It's not done very often. It's weird that they don't know they're the bad guys, I guess. It opens with a sketch. Like the whole thing is kind of laid out like a series of comedy sketches, ostensibly with a lot of sarcasm. I don't want to say irony. It's mostly

just sarcasm. What year was this? 1990. 1990. Exactly. That tracks. That's like right where I would have put this. Yeah. Right. It's that tone. You get the tone. Yeah. So this is, it starts with an Andy Rooney thing and it's an Andy Rooney impersonator complaint. He's not a bad Andy Rooney.

I knew exactly what he was doing right off the bat, even though he was like 40 years too young to be any Rooney. He's complaining about people in handicapped spaces who don't look handicapped. I have a clip. It's fucking crazy. Do you ever notice the people that park in handicapped spaces? Most of them don't look handicapped at all. And it makes me mad. It seems like most of these people are just looking to get a spot close to the store entrance. So they won't have to walk in.

far. Now that's too bad because most of these slabs look like they could use the exercise. It's just fucking okay. If I can't, if I can't guess your handicap by looking at you. Hey, hey, prove your handicap. Prove it to me right now. I think as a rule, if you're diagnosing fatties as not crippled enough, stop. You're not the hero here. You just, you blew it in a Fop accent? Yeah, 100% bad. But the revenge for this, I swear to God, is a banana in the tailpipe, like in the popular film, Beverly Hills Cop.

Also, I looked it up. It apparently doesn't work. The banana will fall out or get melted before the car notices. And he straight up suggests that you should be carrying a full basket of fresh fruit with you at all time. The purposes of revenge only. Yeah, don't eat that fruit. Don't eat that fruit.

That's for revenge. You'll need it later. If you eat it, you'll feel like a sucker when you need revenge later. Who ate my fucking revenge banana? It's like a whole fruit theme section. You're right. He smashes a tomato on a car because they deliberately took up two spaces. And again, there's a lot of intent that these guys have.

Like, they'll see someone get out of a car with a handicapped sticker and be like, no, he's, no, he's not handicapped. And this guy's like, he did it on purpose. Anyway, he ends it with a stabbing motion with an ear of corn with this, there's no corn prank, I think it just is a suggestion that if someone's not disabled enough, you kill them with some corn. Again, and if that's all I know about the situation. That's like the implication at a lot of these is like, we'll do a couple fun ones, but then at the end, like, I don't know, maybe just beat the shit out of them. They probably deserve it.

Like maybe with some corn? Yeah. I'll give you something to be disabled about. Next is, next they do like a Dear Abbey type thing where at the time. where a teary-eyed woman writes about her boyfriend who left her for her best friend and then invited her to the wedding. I have a clip of this one too.

Dear brokenhearted, accept the invitation. I know it's been painful for you, but if you impersonate the bride and cancel the caterer in reception hall a few days before the big event, you might have a good time at the wedding reception. Cheer up and enjoy yourself. I just wanted to let it play to let you know

that's fucking all there was. it. That's all there was to it and that's the tonal whiplash. There's no consistent theme. Like there's nothing, there's nothing really intrinsic. I mean, that one's kind of a bad example because like that does sort of lend itself to an advice column, but like there's nothing tying what the sketch is going to be and the prank together at all to these and they're just like, a lot of this is like, can you do an impression? Can you do like an accent? And the guy's like, ah, not really. They're like, all right, we'll give it a shot and tell somebody to murder somebody. else. All right. That's the tape. It's actually very totally correct for the book, though, too,

if you think about it. Yeah. The book is real whimsical, filled with like untested, like, goof arounds. Like, obviously, this is by people who haven't tested most of these. And in fact, they wrote a whole bunch of these books. And by the second one, it was all like user submitted. So people just write in with ideas like, take a human head and stick it on their car. You're like, I don't think you tried that, man. Have you tried that as Chris? if we're walking though. Hey, how is the head on your car doing? Wait, are you responsible for that?

There it is. You're in the video. Okay, the next one talks about how you used to be able to shoot people like in the Old West. And it's like, oh, we can't settle things that way. But the modern version of the Old West Showdown is to use a copy machine to make a wanted poster for people you hate. And their example is, beware of Bruce Evans. He is a herpes carrier. He has already infected numerous unsuspecting dates with this painful and incurable disease.

Call his wife Marge and then lists her actual number for further detail. So that is pretty nuclear, I guess. It's like if a person comes, if like you're a drug dealer and a person comes up to you and orders the exact amount you would need to go to prison, you're like, huh, that's weird that you said that. This is that but for liable. It's like the exact legal definition. of libel. You're like, that's weird that you told me to do it in specifically the way that goes to prison guaranteed. Right. It's so perfectly bad advice. And I think unlikely to work. Like, I think people would see that and know that you have an enemy, but I don't think they would

believe the words on the poster or call your wife to get more information about your HPV or whatever. They also suggest leaving it in the office copier to make you think that they made copies. Great. And then that's one of the ones that we're like, that's too far in the other erection. Yeah. Like, okay, well, what does that do? And an incredibly, like, good way to get caught doing it, too. Like, how many people work in your office? Yeah. How many people would do that in your office? That are provable psychopaths. Yes. Probably just the one. I'm just going to say, if, like, a lot of these are work-based and they're like, well, who, who's to know who did that?

Everybody knows. Everybody knows that's you. If you're the person considering doing this. Yeah, they've been looking. for a way to fire you for a while. They know. Yeah. They also suggest Xeroxing some old love letters for general release. They say, like, just to take, you know, intimate things that would be embarrassing and then just spread them around.

Like, make humiliation pamphlets, leave them wherever. A lot of access to somebody you're ostensibly, like, mortal enemies with them. This is why I'm so surprised they didn't make it to, like, they made it into the internet era because this is just, this is revenge porn. Like, yeah. Yeah. In the internet era, just be like, hey, make revenge porn. You're like, oh, yeah.

Do, okay. Take the things you have. That's a great way to describe literally every pallet and press video I own. Make some revenge porn. Like this. Untested, but very sincere. There's one where you can say that you can make a fake newspaper article. You put a photo in them on a newspaper article about like, whatever the fuck.

Like, he also has one where you can deny your enemy's bad habits. This one's pretty fucked up. but I think it dodges the libel issue you brought up, Brockway. I have a clip of this. We'll see what you think. If you're the type of person who cannot tell a lie, you can make flyers denying your enemy's bad habits or shady past. For example, teacher refutes accusations of child abuse,

or restaurant chain denies serving dog meat. Clever innuendo can do more harm than slander, And it's not as easy to prosecute if you get caught. That's the one I won't. Yep. And of course, I left in that weird haunting silent shot of a prison for like 10 seconds. But it's for us. We're the criminal.

We're the ones going there. You made a video. It's not as easy to prosecute if you get gone. Yes. implying all the rest of this shit, I told you, really easy to prosecute. It's really easy. But this one, not quite as easy. Not hard.

Yeah, not hard at all. Not hard. No. You obviously did something criminal. Here's where they make a suggestion to wear gloves when you send all these criminally threatening letters, which is smart. It's good advice. Next, they tell you to put a lockable gas cap on your lover's car.

They're like, ooh, protect their gas with a lockable gas. Any, you get it. You get the bit. squirt crazy glue into their lock, chain their car to a tree. One of them is to run a beat of liquid metal around their trash can so he can't open the trash can. One is to sabotage their car engine. Like, that's actually fucked up. I tried to think of a way you would get your trash can open without having to like cut through it.

And I couldn't think of one. Yeah, no, you'd have to get a new trash can from the city. Yeah, you would also have to have a 1920s steel trash can. Sure. Yeah. In 1990? 90. Yeah, true.

There's some stuff here where it's like to kill the engine with foam to put a toothpick in their ignition. Like you have access to the inside of their engine, the inside of their car. This is just like criminal vandalism that will read immediately as an act of petty revenge and narrow the suspect list to exactly you. Yeah, to you, to the psycho that they know. Well, I wonder who did this. A toothpick in your ignition is like, oh, someone broke into my car and did this. I know who probably did that.

God, and here's where they say subscribe to record clubs in their name, which is something I think you could probably do in 1990 because you could sign up to those when you were a child. Like you didn't need a credit card. Then you could donate huge amounts of money in their name to charity. And I didn't quite follow the logic. I think it's that they have to pay it or like they would get embarrassed for not paying it. No, they take your payment information before they like, I don't know, publish a big thing thanking you like this. Sure. They actually.

You can't just bill things to your phone number. Right? You can't put charity on your tab. Right. You put that on my tab. I think you have to pay that, sir. Yes. But the idea was that you would make a pledge to the charity and then they'd be on the hook for it or have to say that a charity.

No, I didn't do that. That wasn't me. I'm not paying that. Again, not how that works. Yeah, not how any of it works. The other one, yeah, Mark, you mentioned the phone number. But like, yeah, you might have been able to do this in 1990, just charge something to a phone number. but that's what they say to do.

Charge flowers to your enemy's phone number and then deliver them to his mom on Mother's Day. Not like, fuck you, mom, but like a nice box of candy and flowers. Yeah, like save me some time, thanks. Yeah, that's nice. It's like something that you would do and they'd be like, I should have been doing that. You think you're right.

Yeah, thank you for the good advice, worst enemy. The next we get like a newscast. It's a newscast about someone who planted a dead fish in a safety deposit box. And, yeah, hiding a stinky fish, classic. But it keeps going like you're supposed to also deliver like a ransom letter. This is the way you do business stinks. So this is a bit for someone trying to stink up a bank.

But I think you're supposed to apply it whatever. Like you can hide a fish anywhere. Once again, like famously the one thing they definitely need your name for. Like you can't just go in and put it all on my tab. Put everything on my tab. like a bus locker. Like they are going to know who has access. They would see the number and be like, hey, we're going to charge this guy for the cleaning services. And also we have this is a bank. So we're probably just going to take its money, I guess.

My name is stink a fish and I'm here to take a, to get a free deposit box. I get that it's a high trust society before the internet, but like not that high. You don't get to just walk into a bank and be like, I would like all of your safety deposit boxes. I'll pay you on Tuesday. It's the most impossible, least useful example of hiding a fish. If the prank is hiding a fish, this is the one place you can't fucking do that.

Right, right. Plus you're walking around with a fish. Yeah, yeah, you're definitely got a raw fish. You're already walking around with a bunch of vegetables and fruits, man, making a meal. He later suggests carrying around milk all the time. You just have a balanced meal on you at all times. For the purposes,

of revenge, but then the best revenge, living well. That's actually the closing line is they say living well is good, but revenge is, revenge is the best revenge. So it's like they're way ahead of you there. They know that old adage. Checkmate. Don't stop getting the revenge food. The next prank is the super glue your husband's eyelashes shut and then scream fire.

I'm like, I don't, I think he's going to know who did this. See, that's the one where it's like, okay, just. stab him. Just like, when you have access to your sleeping husband, have you tried just assaulting him? Like, that's directly assault. Yeah, that's like a prosecutable thing, I would assume. Yeah. Like, he's not going to be confused who did that to him. Who in this house? Was it the dog? It's fucking so stupid. We get a Bill Clinton impersonation next. Not a good one. And it's about impersonating your enemy, like ordering COD stuff. which is like cash on delivery.

We don't do this anymore. I don't think we did it in 1990. I always saw those in the commercials like, no COD. And I'll be like, Mom, what the fuck is COD? And she's like, oh, when I was a kid, you could just have them deliver and you pay them when they delivered it. And you confidently tagged that as a Bill Clinton. I couldn't decide if it was Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, or maybe Michael Jackson.

It could be Michael Jackson, yeah. He definitely, like, lapsed into some Michael Jackson now again. Like, every impression I do turns in Jamaican eventually. Yep. That's why I don't like to do impressions. That's why you're not allowed to do impressions. Yeah. It's not an intentional thing, but like, I think this guy centers to Michael Jackson with every impression.

They're like, you got a Bill Clinton? No. All right. Well, we'll take a Bill Jackson. I'm Bill Clinton. Shut him on. You order some. Okay.

So you also can claim to be them and make abusive phone calls. That's fucking stupid. You could register him with the government as an alien or foreign. National, volunteer them for services. You call up a radio station and claim to be them and say crazy shit. Or you can write a love letter to his boss or coworkers. And then the first hint of homophobia, they're like, oh, and if they're the same sex, even better. Yeah, it really starts to shine light on like, who are the, who are the perverts you're talking about?

Yeah. Are you sure? The quote unquote perverts. Who is that, you mean? Not sure we're the vigilante. The 90s were we're empathy with to die, pretty much. I was there. It's pretty bad.

This is what it also says never mail stuff from your house because they can trace it. Well, look, you know, fucking shit. But not your bank account. They'll be mystified. Then there's one that I think could still work today where you can call to turn off their gas and the water, electricity, forward their mail. All this stuff is stuff that you could probably scheme to do, I suppose. It'd be tough because I think these days they'll, they mail something to your house, though. Yeah.

So they'll know in advance. Authentication. Yeah. Yeah, it's not do nothing. Yeah. But it's, I think as recently as 15, 20 years ago, you could probably do this with just an address. There's actually a funny thing about that. I got up my friend, there's a service called drop chip here in Portland.

I guess they're nationwide now where you can basically like get on a list for when an arborist grinds up a tree and, you know, gives them a place to like deliver if you want the wood chips. You just get so many wood chips. You don't get to say like what kind or whatever. Okay. But it's kind of nice. I see where you're going. I see where you're going with this.

So my friend is a developer here at that place. And he recently built out a whole system where, you know, if it seems even remotely fraudulent, they mail you a card to your house that you then have to, like, enter a number back into the website before they put you on the list. So you don't just get, you're not allowed to just order wood chips. You can't just jump wood chips on your enemy's house. Because that was apparently people, some people were doing. So the opportunity. still might be out there if you're clever enough.

I don't know why I'm telling people this. I don't think it would even occur to a person to not protect against that. Like when they started the wood chip business, the very first meeting they had, someone says, oh, what if someone has a prank or revenge sent this to somebody? Oh, right.

Yeah, we should account for that. Like, I just don't think we are trusting enough at this point in human history to just count on people being honest about that. But, oh, yeah, what I was saying is the next one's poop.

You just put poop places like plates and cars and ovens, pillows, whatever, just do poop. They give you no specifics to live with them. Yes, a lot of these you have to be in their home. Or you need to be carrying poop around at all times, just hoping that you... Well, so much of it is in their house. It's like poop and their dishwasher. Operationally, that's more difficult.

They're making it sound. But also, you really have to have access to this person's house in order to literally flood their life with shit. They're not going to be like, I wonder who keeps doing it. this. And, uh, you're like, I, as a dog owner, I have frequently solved the mystery of who, who took a shit in here. It's pretty easy. I have definitely never hated anyone enough to handle, directly handle feces in order to piss them off. I've never, like, that's so gross. how do you get shit into a microwave? I mean, you got to get that ass in that microwave first. It's

that easy. Yeah, I've hated people before, but I, and things like this have occurred to me, like, oh, I should do something that just makes their life suck. But then I was like, God, what a fucking waste of energy and risk and, like, the pettiness. Like, they wouldn't know it was me necessarily. And if they did, that's embarrassing. Like, I wouldn't want them to know it was me because then they'd know I'm a petty idiot. And so, I don't know.

Who handles poop? Who handles poop, right? Yeah. And if they asked, like, hey, did you put, did you break into my house and put poop in my microwave? I'd be like, oh, no. That, shit. Suddenly your revenge fruit just drops out of your trench coat. Hilariously.

I can't fly my way through that. Comically ate potatoes pile out. So next, God, they do like a movie review guy who, like, kind of talks more about the poop. And I was like, are they going to like lampshade it and talk about how the poop is a dumb idea? But they sort of don't. I didn't get this at all. But next they do a newscast about a dead guy and I have a clip. This one's actually pretty good.

Last week, Lefty was killed by a motorcycle gang after someone using his name wrote a letter to the local newspaper, accusing the motorcycle gang of being sex perverts and cowards. Hey, live by the sword, die by the sword, I always say. This is May Day Collins for Channel. two news. Directly kill the man. Get him killed. Get him murdered.

But they wrote to the newspaper. The newspaper ran a story. Local motorcycle club, sex, perverts and cowards. Says local man. And then the outlawed biker gang, they opened up the paper

as they had their morning coffee and did the spit take. Oh my God. Cowards. Does it say who said it? Yes, it absolutely does. It has their name and address here in the newspaper. Sure, I'm glad I checked my morning paper.

All right, gang. It's part of my biker routine. Put your murder ladies on the back of the bikes. Let's go do it. All right. Next one is about raw chicken. It's just the narrator, since it's chicken, you're not going to like this, but the narrator's doing a black voice.

And I am 110% sure that they are not. It is a list. Yeah, it's the Andy Rooney guy. Yeah, it's the Andy Rooney guy. And it's a list of things. to do with raw chicken, but not really. Like it's just hide it in the couch. Hide it in a heating deck.

Mix it with milk. Put it in a jar. Uh, you can put a jar in the car, put that jar in a sofa. It's, it's just the same fish tip. It's the fish. It's the fish. Yeah. That's what really like, I started getting very confused because they start repeating

tips a lot. And they'll just like almost word for word repeat a tip in, in the video. And like, where's, where's each of these like little segments made, for something else and this is like a collection of them. And that's kind of how the books were laid out too because people would, you know, when they started doing user submissions,

a lot of people had similar ideas to hide poop in a thing or hide a raw chicken. But this is the weird examples, like they had them hide the chicken in a cab. Like you have the raw chicken with you and if the cab driver's like rude or whatever, you put the chicken in the cab. Yeah, it's why you always keep,

you always got to keep chicken on you. Yeah, you got to keep it right next to the fruit and the fish. Right. And the poop. There's also public. restroom, hide some chicken in a public restroom. Like, that's not even in the top three most disgusting things in a public restroom. That's where people go for the toilet stuff. The next is like a woman who's like mad about dog poop. It's so fucked up of all the things in this video.

This is the one that I think will make people the most mad. It's because they actually did it. They did it. I got this clip here. Great moments in revenge. Date line, April 17th, 1968. Tired of cleaning up the animal biohazards left on her lawn by a neighbor's roaming dog, Doris Reed invented the pooch painting party. Doris claimed that since the dog had been thoughtfully decorating her property for so long,

it only seemed right that she should reciprocate the favor. Apparently, the owner didn't enjoy having a day-glow dog, because after just one treatment, the dog was kept on a leash. Great moments in revenge. That's it. The whole end of bit, they spray painted a dog for revenge. And the whole time, the dog is like writhing around on the ground trying to get the paint off. Yeah.

Trying to get away from them while they did it. Like they really just assaulted a dog. They put it on a tape and told you. And they're like, try doing this. It seems impossible. that you think of yourself as the good guy after looking at that, putting in a video, suggesting it, it's fucking crazy. And again, like, you are the number one, like, oh, who has a problem with my dog?

My dog has so many enemies. How will I know who, who hates my dog enough? Wait, it's the one neighbor who keeps yelling at me. I guess I'm going to go over there and beat the shit out of them. Yeah, it's probably the guy who smells like chicken and fish. Like, I don't even know if I would know I was doing. If someone was just spray painting my dog, I would, someone would have to tell me I killed them. I would, I would have, I would feel completely.

Checks out. Yeah, that's a dark rage. Like, it just, it can't even register my emotional state in that hypothetical. So they, next, they suggest writing a hate letter to a militant group like the KKK, or leave their number to toilet stall, like, for a great time call, blah, blah, blah. Both repeats. Yes, both repeats. Or call their boss.

and claim to be their parole officer. I have another clip. This one's pretty fucked up. We'll cancel his life, health, and car insurance without his knowledge. And of course, we hope he gets in an accident or something. The fuck. Jesus.

We'll post flyers in his neighborhood and office to let everyone know what kind of slime this guy really is. We'll place a sleazy sex ad in his name in a porno magazine, Better yet, a gay porno magazine. And end of bit. Yeah, again, word for word, but just like worse. Just like a little more directly.

Like, they've lost some of the fanciful coyness of the suggestions earlier. Yeah, this is really just a bunch of real uninspired criminal activity. Just trying to do the same thing again and again, but getting they themselves get more miserable over time. It's actually, it might be art. I guess you're right. Because yeah, there's a real sadness to it now. Like, these people are miserable.

Yeah, they're out of ideas and none of it works. Yeah, just descending over there. Yeah, like just a shroud of anger. Yeah, nothing made their life better. Nothing really made anyone's life significantly worse. Like finding some chicken, it sucks. But then you clean up the raw chicken and you're like, God, who would have done that? I wouldn't even assume somebody did that.

It'd be like, did a crow get in here and drop like a chicken wing or something? That's crazy. Yeah, it's a little haunting, but it doesn't really mess your life up. So then they suggest putting a clan meeting sign on their lawn, Photoshop some porn with their face. Repeats, repeats. Yeah, repeats. Just a machine gun of obvious, cruel things, yeah, that they've already said.

They throw some tips in about shopping outside of your neighborhood and wearing a disguise. Or you could just not do crimes. I guess that was my suggestion. I'd throw that in there. So some lady comes on with, I think, one of the more unhinged ones, because this is all fucking self-goal. She's like, I hate when people come to my house for parties and go through my medicine cabinet. So she ended up with like a decoy medicine cabinet and filled it with marbles. So then when their guests opened it, snooping around or looking for dendal floss or whatever the fuck they're doing in there, it fills her bathroom with marbles.

And then, ha ha, they have to, like, say, the end. The end. Yeah, there's like a lot of legitimate reasons to go into a medicine cabinet, too, if you're at a party, like, I have a fucking headache, man. I don't just go home. I'm going to see if you have some aspirin. Whoops, you're a marble lunatic. What is this? Gather around everybody at this party.

Look what you fucking, look what a fucking maniac. It's actually a great story you'd tell for years to come about the time that he visited. Yeah, visited the House of the Marble Lunatic. The revenge part would be part of your story where you're like, yeah, and they thought they were getting me with something. They thought this was a, that I was the bad guy. You would turn them into a beloved anecdote for the rest of their lives. This is How to Become an anecdote. Wiki how to become an anecdote, my guess.

The Andy Rooney guy comes on and he's doing a, this was 1990. So it wasn't as mean spirit as it's going to sound, but he's doing like a guy. gay character. And he's doing a real lispy, like, cooking show. And he pulls out like a tin of poop and cracks some eggs into a bowl. And he's like just putting together this weird concoction. There's some chemistry to it where he suggests the yeast and the sugar that he's adding will create kind of an expansive bomb. But again, this is something they already did it earlier with the milk and the chicken. And again, if that works, that escalates your crime up to bomb making. Yeah. No, this would like really hurt somebody if they were in the vicinity of an exploding macea.

jar. Yeah, it's not going to do that. Those are very, those are very strong jars. But if it did, like, yeah, just the potential for the glass to be like a shrapnel weapon, you're going to jail for bomb making. It'll pop the seal and dribble out. I think most people know how jars work. This is, none of this would work. Um, but also he suggests, like, putting a bunch of this concoction into a baby bottle and then just squirting it on someone's sweater. Like, you didn't get away with that. They, like, I don't know. Put some condensed milk on stuff because that's sticky, that sucks. You're like, well, okay. But earlier we were doing poop, like what, what are we doing here? Sir, you have a special container on your person to deliver poop. Why are we fucking around with milk? Why are we fucking around with milk? I guess it's severity of like, oh, this is, I cut me off.

Is this a poop or is it a milk? Is it poop or milk? Right. They seem like they're not disabled enough. So that's a poop, right? Yeah, that's definitely a poop. Whereas two parking spots and for one car? Yeah, that's maybe, that's nope, that's a poop.

That's a poop. Raw chicken and a poop. Yep. Speaking of chicken, there's some more fucking chicken hiding tips. God damn it. Like, it's so weird that like, were these for the, like, the local news or something? They're little, like, media packages. You know, each one's like, a different impression.

But they're just saying the same shit in like, meaner and meaner spirited ways. Like, it doesn't make sense that they're all in one video. Yeah, because some of them share the same actors. So that person had to have known they've already done a bunch of chicken stuff. But it, it simply cannot have been for, for something.

Like, nobody would have no one done anything with any of these. It can be for no other reason. It's a, it's such a plausible thing to exist. The man's show would have taken this as a page. I've been wondering if, if like,

the skit thing is like a plausible deniability thing for them or they thought maybe it was. like if it was cute Or it could just be showmanship Just be like Yeah, I don't know Yeah, that's my legal defense Every time I show up in court I just do a really bad impression of somebody

And I'm like, you can't You can't prosecute that because it's just a bit Now it's a bit Yeah, I get some chicken What the fuck you're gonna do about it So here's one They're talking about yeast and sugar Getting mixed together again

And then he says Or you can just put an empty sugar bag near their car and they'll think you've filled their gas tank with sugar. Yeah, that'll get them. They have a specific recipe that's just completely arbitrary amount of eggs and milks and chocolate syrup, which is not part of the chemical reaction, it's just because. And then this will theoretically explode. None of this would work.

Next, they do an advice columnist again, and the woman asks if it's polite to get a phone solicitor, when you get a phone solicitor to like be, oh, let me put you on hold and then just like leave the phone off the hook all day. So that's, I don't know, now you don't, can't use your phone, but yeah, you've taken up some of that idiot's time. And that's fine, I guess. I, um, this is one of those things I think young people will never understand is that you used to just pick up the phone when it rang, not knowing who it was. And it was probably someone you knew, like the idea of everyone being a solicitor wasn't around in 1990. But it was a bit of like Russian roulette when you answer the phone.

Like you really could get trapped. You really could get trapped sometimes. Because they were real pushy. But in the 90s, I did have a girlfriend who gave to a lot of charity. So we were on a lot of call lists. And we probably got more solicitors than average. And so I would do like stupid little pranks on them sometimes. Like I would do like fake an intruder or an emergency.

And they probably do because I'm not a great actor. But and like my girlfriend loved it because who wouldn't? But when she started doing it, because she's like, oh, I got to do this. next one. But she has like no guile. So she would pick up the phone and she's like so incapable of evil that she would just be smiling the whole time and then scream like, I'm on fire! And then hang up on them. What did that do? But probably so much more confusing than my stupid little radio plays that I was doing. Did you do fully work? Foley work is where it escalates. 100%. I would do whatever I had near me, I would incorporate.

in. You got to have your fun. Like, seriously, it would be like 20 a day. But we also... I'm just keeping a couple of coconuts by the phone. What is a posse rolling up on me now. Oh, no. Can I call you back?

I'm on horseback right now. No, leave those. Those are my foe in coconuts. Not to be confused with my revenge fruit. Another good example. A stupid story. Jamie, we can cut that stupid story. One of the examples they have is throwing

the phone in a beer like if a solicitor calls you, you'd throw your own phone in a beer. That's what you do. Another one is this lady's just going, ah, ah, ah, like, fucking for 20 seconds long. Or you can ask them a lot of personal questions or try to sell them insurance, like stuff that like absolutely would not work. As an amateur phone fuck around guy, I'm telling you, these are bad ideas. Also, this is the one that like really, I mean, before at this point, we have, we have nakedly encouraged like financial fraud libel,

you glued a guy's eyes shut. You probably blinded him for life. Like, then now you're going to bust out. Like, pretend you want to know more about their personal life on the phone. I don't get him. You can't put this story at the end. Yeah, it's not an escalate at all. It is.

You attacked a dog before. You can't play into that dog. This act of war. The next great moment of revenge is a guy who got his boss's travel itinerary and then canceled all his reservations and canceled his credit cards, told them they were stolen. His family was stranded. It's just like it went too far in like, obviously this probably wouldn't work, but this guy was deep into the fantasy where like his kids like couldn't get into the hotel and they like fucking got stranded in Acapulco or wherever. And yeah, that's crazy. Like, if you're that far into your imagination and you've hurt their kids or their mother, then like, yeah, maybe.

Maybe you're the bad guy. Maybe you're the bad guy. Maybe you should put on that flop accent and ask yourself what you're doing. What's doing with your life? But, yeah, they're coming fast here at the end. Bad guys and mothers, beware. Blast. There's one to put a bag full of magnets next to your co-workers' floppy disks.

That's a very 1990 bit of advice. specific. Also, you have a bag with a powerful magnet. Like, you're getting... Quamp. You go to walk away. You're getting stuck to the filing cabinet. He's going to be like, hey.

Hmm. That's weird. Did that happen? I'll keep that in mind when I find no data on all my floppy disks. There's one where you put a bunch of pins in a power cord so the appliance explodes or the electricity shorts out. I don't know. This one seemed like it would just not turn on, not explode.

But whatever. Maybe. Maybe you'll get lucky. I have a clip here. It's a little fucked up. It's a long one. Put a small amount of an illicit drug into your target's coffee on a daily basis. Now, less is more in this case. You don't need to use enough for your target to taste it or to get high. Just enough to flunk a drug test.

Dial 976 numbers on his private office line. The company will appreciate the extra charge. It's not even like a joke. Send a copy of a pornographic magazine to the boss's wife. Be sure to enclose a card identifying your target as the sender. Superglue your target's desk drawers shut. So arbitrary. Glue them what?

Shut. Oh, shit. We went from drugging this person. Yes. To superguing their desk drawer. The tone is fucking crazy. Like you secretly get them addicted to cocaine. Like they show him pouring cocaine in the coffee.

And he does say like, not enough so they'll notice, but he definitely pours enough so that you would notice into that coffee. How much is too much cocaine in the coffee, do you think? Yeah. Like in milligrams. You got to dial that in over time. That's a practice thing. You can't just eyeball this. You cannot just eyeball this.

I feel like I'm addicted to something, but I don't know what it is. God, I love the coffee here. It's so fucking good. I feel like my life really isn't worth living when I'm not drinking this fucking coffee. Then there's some which is make up lies about them and send the lies to the newspaper. You could fire him with a telegram. So many of these wouldn't work. But they would, but they would create an urgent mystery.

that everyone would want to solve. Like, if you were going around at racing all the floppy disks in the office, like people are going to fucking be on your tail. And when they find you, what is it going to be? Well, he's an asshole. Okay. So are you. Yeah, your life is over.

Like your social life, your work life. There's, there's stock footage of, I think it's this one. It's somewhere around here on the point of the tape that I really need to, uh, never know more about. I don't know why I'm going to ask what this was about. but it could be nothing else except for a pervert festival. Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't think I do yet.

Yes, yes. There's like the, it kind of looks like a training thing. Like a training thing. It might be a training thing and it looks like a hazing thing. And then the guy, and then like a really filthy guy just spreads some sort of disgusting paste all over his body and the person has to start eating it off of him.

Yeah. I have an actual guess. I have an actual guess what this is. So my dad was in the merchant marine, uh, in the, early 70s, late 60s, early 70s, apparently the first time you cross the equator on a ship,

there's a giant hazing. I think that's what that was doing. That ends in fucking. I mean, I don't remember him saying anything about it being as deeply as deeply sexual or pantsless as that footage was, but they do like, lots of spanking. They fray fire hoses and you like have to like run and they whip you and then you have to

jump off the ship, which is like, you know, like a 70 foot drop into the ocean. or something. It's apparently a pretty intense experience. I think the, I think the escalation here was when, like, the captain put peanut butter all over his body and you have to lick it off. Like, I think that's... Yep. Maybe my dad just chose not telling me about that, but yeah. I wouldn't have told my son about that now. Well, that's it. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, you get to the North Pole. That's a special one.

So the Andy Rooney guy's doing Andy Rooney again. He's like, I put this one. one on a bigot's car and it just says i heart apartheid and then he says and i quote i bet he had fun driving through the projects on his way to work this requires him to drive through the projects on his way to work so fucked up um a guy caught him off in traffic so he put how's my driving call one 800 eat shit on his car which is uh i think a better name for our website i don't maybe we look into changing that his co-worker got one that said work is for people who don't know how to fish idea being that people at his job would see this and be like, that guy hates working.

Just like humorless. Yeah, they would hate him rather than the boss being like, hey, you like to fish? Yeah, fishing's fun. But no, he adds, and I quote again, all his denials only made him look guiltier to the boss. You're like, what? God is. Like, no, boss, I didn't put that there. That's probably that guy who hates me.

The guy who erased it all my floppy does. Put the poop on my word processor. It's a weird chicken smelling guy. Yeah. So yeah, these are just terrible ideas by petty unemployed people because they don't know how offices work or relationships. They have unlimited time to dedicate to the peddister revenges. Oh, God. Yes, I forgot about the neo-Nazi one.

He says someone who's driving recklessly and playing their stereo too loud. So we put a sticker on scar that just said, neo-Nazi with an exclamation point. A teenager. He specifically says a teenager in his neighborhood. Yes. The teens are playing their music too loud. I will scar their car with Nazi accusation. What?

And he said he made that one custom. Yes. Yes. For $5. And he only paid $5 for it, which in 1990 money was like $170. You can buy a house for $5. Yeah. And the exclamation mark killed me because it makes it seem like, I don't know, like funny.

Yeah, it's kind of cute. Who knew? You also got to like. Racism. This was a very unique time, apparently. we thought it would be forever, but this was a very, like, unique window in American history where, like, Nazi was kind of a joke. Like, those guys are never coming back.

Like, yeah. It was not like a legitimate concern at the time. So you would have seen neo-Nazi, pink neo-Nazi sticker with an exclamation point and been like, is that a band or something? Yeah, like, yeah, we were all pretty much united in the idea that fascism was like bad. Agreed. I remember I was a freshman in college and I went to Moscow, Idaho for school. I'm not even told this story on the podcast before.

And someone stopped me on the street with a clipboard. And they're like, hey, we're going to go protest a rally in Cordillane. I'm like, oh, okay, what's the rally? And they're like, oh, it's for Nazis. I don't, do we need to protest that? There's nobody for Nazis. And I just like looking back on that time in my life, it's like, yeah, I was so certain, so certain that that was just an absurd thing to do. I have the perfect, literally the perfect rival story to that.

And it's amazing. my mom used to live just outside of Cordillane. I think the place was called Gearhart. And one of the first times I visited Idaho, it was during the Nazi parade. It was like a Nazi and clan parade. And I was like, what the fuck? People are just doing this in public. Got invited to that.

Oh, yeah, I spoke at that. That could have been like one of those like romance things where they're like, oh, look at this picture. These people that were next to each other in Disneyland ended up married. You and me. Nazi parade. God, that would blow my mind. I'm just like off on the side like, hey, you ate Nazis. Stop it.

Stop doing it. Nazi stuff. There's another bumper sticker suggests and I really liked where you put stickers on strangers cars. He specifically says strangers. It's not an act of revenge anymore. And it's for political candidates you don't like. And so then when they see the sticker,

they're like, oh, damn it, fuck. I'm not voting. for that guy because someone put a sticker of them on my car. And he put the examples he put was like Reagan Bush. It wasn't even like some obscure candidate. Yeah. It's not the comptroller sticker. It's Bush.

God damn Reagan putting stickers on my car again. Then it all falls apart like the premise wise because they do a newscast. But the newscast is about a quiz about stress. And so now they present to the viewer like a multiple choice quiz of like, hey, the neighbor's dog is noisy. What do you do? And the first two are like kind of reasonable, like call the cops and, you know, or phone them up and tell them to shut their dog up.

But then the third one is like, call the cops and report them as a crack den or satanic cult or sex abuse. That's how they've swapped them. Yeah. Yeah. Before we had a one. Swat them. Yeah.

Yes. Or the final one was to record the noise and play it back while you, like on a loop somehow and then leave for the weekend. So you're just blaring, dog noises from your home while it's empty. So all of your neighbors are. So all your neighbors are. Or climb through your window and are now inside your house out of sheer necessity.

Chicken parts. Yes. But in your desk washer. While I'm here, might as well put some fish. Okay. So then there's one. If your landlord never made some repairs and you're moving out, it's A, you write a letter of complaint to the Board of Health.

B, tell them off in person. C, place a classified ad for one third the rent. So he has to deal with people calling up. And then four is pour cement into the toilet and flush it. So I don't know. I feel like even in 1990 we had deposits. So you still have, you'd get a phone call saying, okay, not only do you not get the deposit, but you owe me for the cement you flushed down the toilet.

Yeah. The new sewer mains that I have to have. So much of this depends on you, like, on them being unable to solve the mystery of who did this, who could have possibly done this. Like, you were the guy rented. There's only one guy. It's you. This did remind me of a really funny prank, my friend.

Sean did once to a mutual friend of ours where he made a listing on Craigslist for free beaver pelts and put her phone number on it. And people were just like calling her literally all day asking if there were any free beaver pelt's left. I don't know. They wanted them. I thought it was like to get people enraged or something. No, no, no, no. People were just wanting to get on the free beaver pelts. There's like a whimsy to it, but that could go in this video.

But that's mostly, in retrospect, kind of shit. Tell your friend, Sean, he's in some real shitty company. Like the bigger takeaway for me on that is that apparently there's like a thriving fur trade. On Craigslist. On Craigslist? People just looking around for free pelts? What are we going to do with all these extra beaver pelts? Is that just a selection?

like autos, RVs, homes for rent pelts. Peltz, comma, various. Yeah. The next one is just you're getting junk mail and it's just so fucking stupid. We'll go through it. Why not? A is to throw it away. B is to call them and get removed from the list.

C is to fill them all out, but wrong. And then D is to tape the return postage guaranteed card to a box of bricks and then return it. So sure. Because the post office is never, they have no protocol against that. They'll just be like, what? We have to do it. They got one of those airbud books. They're just like, oh my God.

The rules. We never specifically wrote down no bricks. Shit. I look these people up. The Andy Rooney guy did a voice in All Dogs Go to Heaven. And that was his only credit I could find. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. Weird. The newscaster, I found him on LinkedIn. He's an HOA president in L.A. And I'm like, yeah, that's the kind of personality trait that would make a revenge video. But yeah, that's the video. What a, what a fucking nightmare that is. What a world we lived in that would allow this.

I tried to figure out how much they charged for this video, but I couldn't find. Like every old Paladin Press catalog I could find online. The listings were just so alarming. I don't know. I never got to the VHS sections. So I don't know if this was like a $10 video, 20, like. Yeah, I don't know. I think they were priced for consumer markets.

So they should have been like 20 to 40. They wouldn't have been like. That's the other thing young people wouldn't understand is that like when VHS first came out, they were like $110, which in today's money is what, $7 million. When you like stole a tape from Blockbuster, they had to replace it with a $110 copy. You could have either had this video or like 40 cartons. of cigarettes, which is that's how we, that was how economics worked back.

Yeah, that lifetime supply of gasoline. And 15 neo-Nazi stickers. Einstein, 100, Frankford. Einstein, Huldert, Frank first. He's welcome to the 1-900 Hot Dog Stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight. The insult comic with class Lord Jimathan Jigglesworth. Thank you, thank you. That's quite enough, though I should say, flattery, we'll get you everywhere.

Aho, what a supreme audience we have tonight. I recognize a lot of faces, though they might not like me saying that. Oh, I see Aaron Crosston here, a peacock in everything but beauty. Aho! Adrian H, I see Adrian H here, Alex Nolenberg, Alpha Scientist Java, An Andy, Armando Navar, Autumn Armstrong Berg. Oh, I see Brandon Garlock. He has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen are never remembered.

Oh, Brian Sailor. Brockway famously loves the meat milly. A little too much if you know what I mean. Cyril. Christopher Worthin, I am told porkpacking is the most valued profession in America. Tell your mother, I said, thank you for your service. Oh, I'm so naughty. Common sense, I see Greg Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schell.

Popularity is the only insult that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. A Delta Fox Trot, I see Devin the Rogue Supreme here, I see Dusty's Rad title and Elizabeth Schope. Elliot Watson, it is said that he can talk brilliantly upon any subject, provided that he knows nothing about it. Oh, Eric Christian Berg is here, fancy shark, Jello, good Satan and his hot witches, I see you there. Greg Cunningham, Greg Cunningham is an excellent man. He has no enemies and none of his friends like him. Oh, oh, I slay, I truly do.

A haraka, Harvey Pengweenie, honk. I have here, I want, I want Brockway to say dyke, which I'm allowed to do, because this accent might be Dutch or something. You don't know. Jabber Al-Aid, James Boyd, Jared Clack. Jared Mountain Man, it's the perfect man. Always dull and usually violent. Oh, ho.

Jared Ruiz, John Dee. John McCabin, John Minkoff, a lot of John's here tonight, you know what I'm saying. Josh Quicksall, it is said some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go. Eh, but no really, go fuck yourself, Josh Quicksall. You know what you did. Joshua Graves. Justin B.

Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book. Give her a few minutes, folks. She'll get it. Ken Paisley. K&M, I see KVH, I see Elaine Haygood here. Lisa, oh, she seems like a good citizen or a faithful wife or something else equally tedious. Oh, Jahi Chappelle, Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd. I see mercenary Sissidman here, Michael Lair, Mickey Lohman, oh Mickey Lohman, such keen student,

always ready to give his betters the full benefits of his inexperience. O'hoo! Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N. D. Neil Bailey, Neil, they say there is no sin, except stupidity. So tell the devil I said, Hello! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Neil Schaefer, Neku104,

Nick Levino, obsolete. Ogiwan Supreme is like the best art. All style, unpolluted, by sincerity. Oh, I'm told One Ball Inn has been received in all the great houses. Or once. I kid. I actually like One Ball In. Henri Weevil, Ozzie Olin, Patrick Herbst. I see Peewey's uncle here with Rebrandtru and Red Wine Time. Riannon. Hello, Rihannan. Russell Bauman. Oh, Russell Bauman, everybody. You seem, Russell, you seem the kind of person who's brilliant at breakfast.

No, don't get that one? Go team up with Katie Faville. Maybe you two can figure yours out together. Sam Kopnik, Sarkovsky. Sean Chase. Seed. Space Jam fan, I may not agree with you, but I shall defend to the death.

You're right to be a dipshit. Ha ha, ha, ha. Spotty reception. Supernought, Tateus days, Ted H. Uh, Thomas, Thomas is such a good friend, he will always stab you in the front air. Who? Thomas Cavatzos, Timi Leahy, Toastigan. I see Tommy G here.

Velo. Velo is the kind of person who deprives one of solitude without providing one with company. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that one was bad. Uh, Victor Malavankan, Booster, Waylon Russell. I see Yvonne Clavum here, Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language.

As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm. And as a wiener, he is everything but plump. Oh, ha, ho! I kid, of course. Thank you. Thank you all. I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths cause wrinkles. Oh no, but seriously folks, truth is everything. Stay true. One must always strive to be true to what they are, even if what they are is a nasty little cunt.