The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 282, Horse Theme 9000: Knight Rider, with Zak Koonce

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

Remember the month-long Martin Kove themed episodes a little while back? Well, guess what... we're quadrupling down. Join Seanbaby, Robert Brockway and special guest, Zak Koonce as they march headlong into HORSES. Like, all the way in. Elbow deep. We're tackling TV tropes and tickling taboo fancies here at the DOGGZZONE!

9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's Final Comedy website. I'm Robert Brockway, and I'm addicted to horse heroin. That's time I admit that. And with me is my co-host, Sean Horse Heroin Baby.

Hi, I'm a Horseman. I'm here to Horse. And our guest today, formerly, currently, futurely, from the Oral Nuts. And his own planet of garbage. It's Secum. Awesome. That's perfect. All of that is true.

Arlenatz is back. Hell yeah. It's expletive garbage. Both the YouTube channel and the podcast are still there. Yeah, we're going to keep making shit because nothing matters. I like, that's, I always say that, but it's true. It's a good slogan. I'll tell you this.

If things did matter, I wouldn't be here, first of all. I'd have a job and possibly a retirement fund that I'm slowly contributing to. But since nothing matters, we're here having a good time. I'm all fucked up on horse tranquilizers, so. We're mandatory for this episode. How about the Patreon? You want to plug the Patreon? Oh, yeah, I got a Patreon.

Zaxplanitive Garbage is on Patreon. It's doing very well. I actually started it up and I was like, this ain't going to work. And you know what? Spoiler alert, kind of does. So that's very exciting. It turns out people like joy and want all the old things that they have that they

are still like them. And it's, yeah, and it's the people that are very accepting that I am not fast at all. So what I, but hopefully I make up for it in quality. Wow, quality. Quality?

That's not part of the pitch. Yeah, I don't think the internet likes it. No, it's not fast enough. Speaking of fast, speaking of speed over quality, Sean, what would you like to play? Our daily website, 1,900 hotdog.com. But we do have enough writers that there's a lot of us. And so we all get to take like a full week to work on our thing. So every day you get like a well-researched, a very joked, dense article about something insane that shouldn't

exist or a weird mess around thing that I make. But yeah, go to patreon.com slash 1,900 Hotdog to support the last living comedy writers on the internet. I'll jump on this too. Also go to just 1,900 hotdog.com. We have rearranged it so that if you just go to the website, you will only get the free articles now. And it will look for all intents and purposes like websites used to be, like where you just

went to a website and they had stuff there for you, forever, for, for. for the rest of your life that you would never catch up on. That's us. We got that in the archives. This is real nice looking. Yeah. Yeah, we got hundreds, hundreds and, no, thousands at this point, thousands of articles in the backlog that are all free, some of our best stuff.

So you could just click on that every day. It'll update live with our free stuff. And you would never know that we would like your money. You would never even guess. You'll say, how does this place stay in business? It's because people better than you are paying us, but they also get four times more stuff. And if you want more, you can go pay or if you just want to show the website around, use that link.

Go to the main page and it just works like web pages used to. I, of course, am no longer, no longer legally obligated to promote my new book. It's very nice. In fact, my publisher has asked me not to promote it. So I am here to promote my new book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. And I just want to add everything I'm about to say about horse girls is fully in. endorsed by my publisher.

These are their words, actually. In fact, that's what my book is about. It's about horses addicted to smack and the girls who have sex with them. If you're into that, if you're into that, that's what my book is about. Go by that. That's why I'm here. I love it. There's more you say?

Okay. So what we're doing today. What we're doing today, this is the... I don't know what to call us. This is the first... Horse. Horse. Horse.

Horse. Horse. Horse. This is the first part of like a series of mini-series. We're going to do like a four-episode, four or five-episode part per each, like subject. So a series of mini-series. Like a cove month. They get it.

Yeah. Like a co-month. This one's called the blank episode and we're going to like just insert something in there. In this case, we're going to insert horses. I should find another way to phrase that. Yeah. Let's insert some horses. Insert horses into our body of work.

Uh, don't, nobody clip that. Uh, so this is, this is the first episode of the horse episode. Hour long action shows of the, of the 1970s and the 80s. They were very formulaic, usually, usually often made by the same people. Uh, they really had like a few templates in their brain and just kind of switched them from show to show. So some of the weirdest and most shoehorned episodes in the runs of these otherwise, very iconic series where I noticed as I was watching, through all this garbage, mostly on tubing.

Shout out to tubing. Always shout out to tubing. But the horse episodes were always like, I kept like stumbling across, why is there a horse episode in Manable? Why is there, like, he's already, he's already a horse. But why is there a horse episode in Knight Rider? And like, why did they all have horse episodes? So we're going to cover the best of the horse episodes, episode per episode.

But we'll do another one. We'll do one for, I noticed, the voodoo. episode is like a template across too many shows. Yeah, fear of blackness probably runs heavy with that theme. The often magical Native American. We're going to be here all fucking decade. Sean suggested the Ninja episode when I brought this up. Hell yeah, I'll be back for that.

You can't stop me. I'm just going to show up in a cloud of smoke. Surprise guest, as all ninjas always are. I'll be on your seat. ceiling. You can't book a ninja. You just hope that they show up. You just, yeah. It's like Gandalf. They always arrive on time. You book Pat Marita and the ninjas come with him. To battle him, of course. I really wish you guys had hired me to write a song for Horse Week because I probably have one in my, in, in there somewhere. How fast can you

work? I keep it turning around in a couple days. All right. So it's the Wonder Years theme, but it's like, it's about fun. It's when you're tired of fucking man. And you need the haunches a beast. You need more of a haunch. All right. We just got it for free. Yeah. It's pretty good.

Haunch rhymes with paunch. We should have done the Chips Horse episode. There had to open a chips horse episode. No, Jamie, isolate his audio ad music. That is it? It's the one of year's theme song. Just don't forget. So first up, we are talking about that Knight Rider one I mentioned.

It is called Night by a nose, uh, Night Rider. Right at the top here, I have some fun stats. Uh, just to give you the creative time. timeline of Night Rider. So they did 90 episodes of the show. The ninth episode, they introduced an evil car. That's how long it took them to get to that trope of an evil version of the main character. The 23rd episode was they introduced an evil Michael Knight, who's the guy who drove Kit, the talking car. It took them 40 episodes to get to their Serrano de Bergeac episode. It took them 53 to get to their Bigfoot one with a very strong asterisk. That was the monster truck.

Bigfoot, not the creature from the woods. Okay. Makes sense, though. And then they just did a whole bunch of normal stuff. Then at 88, they did a ghost one. 89, they did a ninja one. And the very final episode, the 90th, was voodoo. We got to do all of them.

Yeah. We got to do the Serino. We got to do the ghost. Yeah. Got to do the evil version, of course. Of course. And it took them 59 to get to horse. 59.

So well past the halfway point. point before they thought, oh shit, horse would be good in a car show. Have we not done a horse episode? And everybody's just like, surely, surely we have. No, we definitely did horse. That was part of the pitch deck. What are we talking about? Did we do a Christmas story?

This is the 1980s. It's really fucking hard to check that. Like, we have to just go find a guy who knows who remembers for us. And he makes $70,000 a year. That's true. That's how it used to work. He's creating generational wealth with his Knight Rider archive knowledge. That's how TV.

used to be. He had two families. He had a secret family on top of his regular family, just from remembering Knight Rider episodes for the studio. That's what we lost. That's what they took from you. That's what fascism and AI took from you. Just remember that. Like let it feed the fire in your heart. The power to have two families. The power to grow corrupt with remembering Knight Rider and have two families. That was freedom. That was true freedom. No, speaking of freedom, the intro to this fucking episode still the same by Bob Seeger and it's cutting between a beautiful woman on a horse and Knight Rider on the highway. Bob Seeger playing this is the fiercest, most American boner anyone's ever had.

The dichotomy between horse and horse power. Yes. Yeah, I like how they were trying to be like, oh, these are, here's, look at, look at Kit, look at this high tech car, cruising the open highway on a quest for vigilante justice. And here's like, here's like a rich teenager playing with her horse. And the song is there going like, these are both the same thing. Exactly the same. They're like, we need a song with two things that are alike.

Like, oh, I got it. Bob Seeger's still the same. Really spell it out for you what they're going for. And it's the type of song, too, that at this point sounds kind of sarcastic. You're like, no way, this is this guy for real? I loved it. Yeah. Oh, man, I wish I wrote this.

God, Bob Seeger songs. Let's sing Nighter. Maybe night moves could be the theme song for our horse episode. Horse moves. Yeah, it works. Moves. Yeah, that's perfect. So, she's read this horse, the horse's name, just for your knowledge going forward, is King Jack.

The girl's name is Max. She has kind of a weird boyfriend relationship with the horse. I didn't believe to explain that. I didn't think that was weird. Ladies like to fuck their horses. Yeah, they like to have sex with the horse. I know enough about Knight Rider to know she's fucking that horse. She's sharing her deepest, most intimate desires with it, you know, in front of full view of everyone else.

Like, she definitely, like, will lean in and be like, oh, baby, you're okay? And like, you're like, immediately like, oh, vibes are off. No. She's like, you and me, one of these days, we're going to run away together. Yeah. Yeah. Like, now, people are going to think we're joking, but no, all the dialogue is like kind of wink, wink, wouldn't. This is what a lady would say to her boyfriend, but she's saying it to a horse, right? And it's like, yeah, but you went way too far. She's clearly in a romantic relationship. ship with the horse. It is deadly accurate, though. All horse girls are like this. We got time for a tangent. It's not a super long episode.

I took like an online class. It was a poetry class for my writing major. I was taking college. And one of the girls in the class for her, I think it was her introductory poem. A name of the poem was my Arabian boyfriend. Right away, everybody was like, oh, oh. Okay.

Oops, yeah. See, I would have clocked that as horse instantly. Like, I would have jumped way well past the racism and then like, oh, she's talking about a horse. Yeah. Yeah. But she played with that the whole time of like, I'm talking about this studly guy, some huge muscles and how I ride him. And then at the end it was like, and he's my horse.

And you're like, okay. And then people were probably like, I kind of wish it was racism. Yeah. You got to be honest. Would have been less weird. Yeah. I more tangent. You know, some people know I've, I've moved to Colorado.

And the dating scene is, boy, it's either horse girl, fish girl, or rock girl. Those are the three categories. Oh, rock girl all the way. Yeah, rock girl. Yeah, rock climber. I'll take a rock girl. Yeah. Fish girl, they're just like a proudly presenting their fish to the camera.

It's like, this could be you. I could be giving you this fish. There's no way fish girl isn't, isn't MAGA. There's no way. Yeah, if her politics were okay, I think fish girl is my top choice. Because I like fish. She can provide. She's a provider, you know, horse girl offers me nothing. Like, there's nothing for me there. It's, I'm just immediately in competition with a superior creature. Yeah, I don't have a clitoris. So after like 10 minutes of a horseback, right, I'm like, okay, well, that's it, right? I'm not getting anything out of this. I can see why you enjoy this. Yeah. With your flesh, Sibbian, yes. Good times. I'm going to go get a fish. And you know what?

I know how to enjoy the fish. The fish is my thing. So she's running her horse around doing a timed lap. And then her manager gives her a bunch of shit. He talks about like how she's not fast enough to make the big race. And yet that's all kind of distraction so that this is the doctorate of vet. He's a real Wilford Brimley type, a real, a real Wilford Brimlet. He comes by, he sidles up and dopes up the horse.

with something. Like, we see him, but she does not. I thought it was like, everybody knew he was just, I'm just going over here, give it horse vitamins. Like, it was, it was very weirdly played. The actor made no choices to, like, perform any scheming faces or anything. He's not, like, looking around to make sure. It's like, yeah, that's horse medicine. She sees him do it. There's no, there's nothing suspicious happening here. It's real tough to look like, to play subterfuge with like a Wilford Brimley face.

Yeah. That must be it. Yeah. It's a high ass. Yeah. It's not a real subtle face. I think people are going to know this the second I start saying it, but this was 1985. And so they talk to this woman like she is a fucking baby. Like they're like, hey, little lady, you didn't push that horse hard enough. And instead of being like, hey, fuck you, dude, I know how to ride a horse. She's like, yeah, I guess you're right.

I'm stupid girl. I'll always be a stupid girl. Like, it's just what the hell is this energy? Like, it's so of the time, but like, I guess I'm just not used to it. I watched so much 1980s stuff that it didn't even register. It didn't even raise her to me. No, I've got like therapy language now. I'm older.

So I'm like, this woman's entire purpose in the show is to be gaslit, the entire running time. Yes. She's real good at that. She is wrong about every detail in this entire plot. People walk right up to her and say, here's what's happening. She's like, I don't know. Maybe it's this completely unlikely thing. God damn it, Max.

So she was extremely gullible. and they, she falls for it. She, they get her to rerun the lap now that the horse is doped and, uh, it collapses. And like the second it collapses, Wilford Brimley runs up and shoots it. I love it. He's like, well, I guess I better, dude, grab this gun I brought. He brought his horse killing gun. Yeah.

Dude, yeah. She's like, don't kill my lover. He's like, bang. Like, it's not like, let's see how bad it is. Let's take an x-ray. He's like, fucking on it. I get the feeling. Yeah.

Every horse owner is waiting for this. exact chance to shoot a horse in the head to treat a broken leg. Because I Google, I googled it. That's what it's really about. That's why I bought the horse. Yeah, yeah. It's like one of these days, I'm going to get to, you know, this, it struck me in this moment that this was probably like an old wife's tail or something that like, people don't really shoot a horse after it breaks its leg, but I googled it. And Google's like, yeah, totally. Fuck that trash monster. It's got broken's leg, blow it away. It's no longer has any use to me. Yeah. Dispose of it. It is in no way enough time to even like register whether or not that leg is because he's running up with the gun

the second it goes down. The second. It literally goes from her going like the, her coach, her partner, who was the other guy involved in this, like runs up and says, are you okay? And she goes, yeah. And then the vet goes, I got to shoot it. Hold on. You can't stop me. I'm already rock hard from this. The equipment the vet brought was like manual masturbation gloves and a gun. Those are the only two types of medicine for a horse. So they do. They shoot it and she screams and screams for her dead boyfriend. And then they cut to

Michael Knight, David Hasselhoff and Kit. And they're having a little fussy argument. And like, this is the thing that I always found bold about Knight Rider is that they made Kit the car when it was time to give him personality.

I don't want to say gay. But he is a cessage. He's zesty. He's. He's zesty. Yeah. Yeah. He's very fussy. He's very particular. He's very prideful. He's kind of anxious.

All of this, it's not me saying this. This is all 80s shorthand for a gay character, but we can't say it. If you look at Three's company, look at anything. Like, once they need to say, here's a gay guy, but like, we can't say that on television. He acts and talks just like Kit. I do have a clip. I do have a clip of that. That will prove this.

Sleak, spirited, and moves like a hurry. King. Michael, you're too kind. Not you, bow, the futurity preview on Max's horse. What a horse? Try stubborn, skittish, and expensive to maintain. Not at all like you. Never, and capable of only 40 miles per hour

in short bursts. Useless creatures. What do people see in them? I'm immediately jealous of the horse in a really, like, a really, like, preening way. And I do, I think they knew what they were playing with. I just thought it was fascinating that they're like, we got such a cool concept. There's this cool talking.

Everybody's going to want. like a toy of this car it's such a good action show also the guy in the car gave for each other and the married couple is something I didn't remember I think I just like the idea of Knight Rider more than I actually watched it as a kid

I do not remember Michael Knight being this big of a piece of shit he is awesome he's right away he's hitting it up for money he's like come on give me 40 bucks for the races I didn't know it could give cash yeah it's got a little ATM, little CD player, spits money out.

That changes fucking everything. Everything. Kit is also an ATM. He's driving up to the horse races and he's like, hey, I need 40 bucks for the horse races and it's like, I don't know. They track every expenditure. I can't just give you $40. And that, for the first time, like, since you bring it up, how much does a

Knight Rider make? Yeah. Is it not $40 a day? Yeah. Does it have a per die or anything? Like, you get $40 a day. Use it however you want, preferably for some food. But if, you know, we can't stop you from betting on some races.

But like, I don't know, man, sliding, sliding like $20 bills, loading $20 bills into the glove box. It really, it's amazing. It really complicates this relationship between a man and his car. Yeah. For a second, I was like, wait, can he just manifest money? Like, no, it's connected to like their operating account. No, it's a payday loan. It's a $40 advance on his minimum.

wage paycheck as a night writer. There's so much fuss to get the money that it's clear he doesn't have any discretion to like just use it for undercover ops, right? Like he can't just go start a drug deal because Kit's like, no, dude, I'm not going to give you the fucking 10 grand to buy the heroin to stop the bad guys. Because Kit knows he's going to try a little heroin. He's like, well, I got to get your character.

Yes. It's $40. Yeah. Even in 85. Even in 1980s money. Come on, man. Just give me the 40 bucks. Kit.

He's like, come on. You should. You should definitely. That should be like a day's advance maybe in the paycheck of a Knight Rider. Like a Knight Rider should be, you don't need a second job to like, you shouldn't need a second job to live. It's not that bad unless you consider the, this is probably like the 18th time Michael Knight has hit him up for 40 bucks that day. Yeah. It also shows like the nickel and dime corruption of Michael Knight that he is just a piece of shit that this money is so carefully accounted for.

And he's like, nah, shit, dude, they won't notice. Give me the cash. Like, what else is he doing like that? And they immediately noticed. They're like, oh, by the way, you're going to get that 40 bucks back or what? Like his people back at base were like clocking that shit right away. I bought some Charles to choose. I'm hungry.

You got, you know, life on the road. They keep track of everything. Like, he is for sure indebted to them for the rest of his life at this point. Like, this is, Night Right Kid is a debtor's prison. He's trapped in that car until he did. Yes. I'm just thinking what else is he using Kit for? because the cart can kind of do anything.

So you know Michael Knight's like, hey, take some x-ray photos of those naked ladies. Get shots of those ladies without clothes on with your hypersensitive x-ray cameras. And you know they have arguments about that kind of thing because he clearly doesn't give a shit. And also, Kitt's really, really jealous and very fussy. He's giving him cancer. He's like, sure, I'll take a picture of that bitch. And then boom. I don't know.

Jamie, we can cut all this. I think this is more a flex on my darkness than the showrunners. So David Asseloff, he does get the $40 advance and he goes to gamble it on horses because he knows the jockey. Max, we already met her. I mean, it's a lady. Michael, he knows all ladies. I think that's kind of the subject of the show. In his stable, huh?

Uh-huh. There you go. But he sidles up all just like cheese and charm. Like, hey, I got $40 for a little lady here. And she's like, I have to quit horse racing from the way horse died. And he tries to give her an inspirational speech. I of course took a clip of what he says. Great.

Come on, what's that old saying? When you fall off a horse, you get... Right back on. But in this case, I can't. Because the horse... It's dead. Wait, no, this is a metaphor. What are you talking about?

She took seven beats because the horse... Beat, beat, beat, beat. God, it's the best. He's dead. All right. So also just to kind of paint a little bit more of a picture here, this, yes, this Max is an old friend of Michael's, but he is not here because of that he's here to check on his investment. He's like, let's go. Let's go have a look at this moneymaker that's about to make me a rich man. Also, hi, Max. Like, what's going on with you? That's about to make me $120. Yeah. Off of your $40 bet. I would have buy three cartons of cigarettes. There was a moment I was hoping you'd clip. I know you clipped the good one. That was the number one. But there's another line she said where he should. shows up, and he's like, hey, how's it going? She says, I can still hear the rifle blast, like, immediately.

Like, she doesn't like, dude, you got to sit down. I got some crazy news. And what he does as soon as she's like, because the horse is dead, he's like, all right, well, let's go right back out to where that horse died. Yeah. Let's get out there because daddy needs his money. Yeah, he smells foul play without any cause or any reason to believe it. He's like, no, no, no, something's wrong here.

We got to get you back on a horse. That's all we need to do. that's our priority here. There's a thing that happened in this scene that might be the cutest thing I've ever seen is when they're walking along looking around at the dirt, Kit is just kind of creeping behind them, like a little car buddy. Oh, it's like, that's adorable. Yeah.

No, he's just a jealous little bitch. Yeah. I'm not going to let you out of my sight, Michael. All the time, Michael will get out of the car and walk and Kit will just kind of creep along. He just kind of follows him like a little buddy. I love it. I love it so much. It is really cute.

Anyway, he uses kits like field detectors to detect a small piece of glass, which holds a drug called Prova Zee. And Max the Jockey says that is heroin for horses. Okay, but first, he says, look at this, glass. She goes, well, that's probably the groundskeepers. They come out here and drink beer all the time. And he goes, no, no, no, no. This is too thin to be a beer bottle. So Michael Knight has scientific knowledge of the thickness of beer bottles because he's such a piece of shit.

And I love him. I love him. That's how hard he drinks. No, no, no. The Coors' banquets are the thinnest. Yeah. That's real knowledge. This might be a wine glass.

This glass could not hold beer. He's like, no, guys. Put it in the script that that's too thin. You know a lot about beer bottle, Hasselhoff. Anyway, there's another example of Max being immediately and confidently wrong. He's like, look, this is some weird broken glass. He's like, ah, fuck it. Who cares?

That doesn't mean anything. It's just the groundskeeper is getting fucking plowed out here again. Right. I always come up and, I always roll up and find him just passed out on the track. This is where the horses run. We don't like clean it. We keep a lot of sharp broken glass here. But that's enough to tip off David Hasselhoff.

He's on the case now. And so he's going to go question her partner, the coach there that was timing her. His name is Tommy. And we cut straight from like, I'm going to go talk to your partner to that horse just losing its fucking mind. So it's not dead. Right. But it is addictive. it to horse heroin and going insane.

Yeah, it's going through some heavy withdrawals right now. Heavy horse withdrawals. So he and the vet who drugged it, they discussed their evil plan to each other. They do that thing where they're like, hey, what's your part in this evil plan? I can't believe it worked. The evil plan. You remember the evil plan, right? It's worth mentioning that, like, we've solved the mystery.

Like, within two seconds of finding the broken glass, they know exactly what it is and what has been done, and then they find the exact people who did it, who are confessing to it on camera. It's like, that's how quick TV moved in the 80s. We'd be on episode seven of a Netflix show. And I make this point a lot when we talk about 80 shows that we're moving. I mean, there's a little crossover with other podcast Bigfeats, but like that's what happened to Bigfeets is that they used to be,

they used to have self-contained episodes and they had to fucking move. You got to be 45 minutes to pretend not to catch a Bigfoot. You got to set up all this stuff. And now they're like, well, now we're moving to the Netflix. model of here's eight seasons for one story and it sucks. It sucks so hard. Go back to go back to this. Go back to just

a guy that looks like David Hasseloff being like, I know what this is. It's always heroin. All right, we're moving. Let's get to me being cool as shit. More time for me to be cool as shit. So he goes back to the racetrack and parks in the parking lot and an unspecified, unnamed

unsorted mook is just wandering the parking lot talking to himself about horses. Just the most degenerate of gamblers. So Kit, who, to some extent, like they play real loose with it, but to some extent, he's supposed to be like an undercover super weapon, just decides to start talking to the deadbeat and tells him which horse to bet on using his, all the knowledge of a car. I, of course, took a clip of that.

But what's the folios if you want to bump? There's no room for a motion in bedding. Taylor's Goose in the 4th Who's in there? Never mind who's in here I've given you a scientific projection Kindly remove yourself to the betting window And spare me your superstitious prattle

Hey, watch your language You got inside information? Let's just say I have a hot system Just couldn't help himself Just such a snooty bitch Like there's no room for emotion And yeah I brought that because it proves What a fussy little bit

is about everything, but also that he's willing to just get this dirt bag, like, potentially millions of dollars and, like, change the course of human history. Yeah, he's making a Biff Tannen, right, you know, right before our eyes. And it, for nothing, for absolutely, he just happened to be walking by. And you're like, you're not supposed to talk to people. Because he heard something he disagreed with, which was a guy using emotion to make, you know, statistical choices. And he just could, he could not abide.

by it. So David Hasloff, he's at the track. He took off to go confront Tommy, the partner, about what he thinks is going on. Now, what he thinks is this is a horse insurance scam. Right. Yeah. Which is like, yeah, you're here to collect that horse insurance. That's why you, that's why you shot that horse. So he doesn't, he doesn't fucking get it at all. We thought, like Sean said, like, we know, we now know everything about it. But he's like, I know what this is, horse insurance. And no, no, it's absolutely not that. He wants a, he wants, to sell the horse the next day. He wants to sell the horse just ahead of the big race, which is in 24 hours to the highest bidder that he has lined up. So the partner, and we find out why. The partner, Tommy,

he was in debt to some mobsters and they're going to kill him if they don't get the debt back to him also within 24 hours. So he has to like sell that horse, turn it around immediately. He's in a real short timeline. He's a bozo. I love this guy. He's such like just, it just just goofs up every single thing. tries. He is not a very worthy adversary, but I love him. Yeah, I think he's sort of the villain. It's not a, he's not good at it. Yeah, I think he just fucked his life up so bad. He just finds himself in a real tough spot. We cut back to the, to the roving semi-truck headquarters of night industries. I remember this part, because I did have that toy. Yeah. Yeah, the little toy that comes out of the back of the, no, I just, not the big one.

The little one with like the hot wheel. Oh, okay, okay, yeah. Not like the Optimus Prime, you know, $50 one. I did, I did have the Optimus Prime $50 one, but Mexican version. What? What sets that apart? I don't know. I don't remember. I still have him around somewhere.

Is he made with cane sugar or like what is? We went to, he might be. We went to, we used to live close to the border. We went to Tijuana all the time. He used to get katana's and shit. Yeah, he used to get fucking ninja stars. Tijuana Katanas. Yeah.

And I got a Mexican Optimus Prime. He does have. a mustache. Maybe that's the difference. Optimo Primo. That's the cigars. You just bought a bunch of cigars. Optibo primos are cigars.

That's what's in the trailer. It's an Optimus Prime Mexican style. You open it up the trailer. It's full of cigars. So they've programmed inside the trailer, which is just constantly driving around the highway rules. They've programmed the lady that programs kit says she's programmed him with all known information about horse racing.

Yeah. Because she's a horse horse. girl probably. She's like, I, listen, I'm, my family couldn't afford horses, so I studied cars. So I put all my horse girl energy into this car. And remember, this is the 1980s. So like, he's got like a 12k ram. Yeah. You got to delete all of the highway system off of that hard drive to make room for all that horse knowledge. Yeah. He had four megs on your hard drive back then. We, we lived on floppy disks. So David Hasselhoff has a boss and his boss thinks that he is only on this case because he wants to fuck the jockey.

And he doesn't, he sort of denies it, but not really. Oh, right. That's not the only reason. You're not accounting for how much of a scumbag I am. You're leaving some things out. This is a fucked up thing for him to say, because she does look 16 years old. That same year, she played a very believable high schooler in just one of the guys. Just one of the guys, right?

Yeah. She's the best friend. Yeah. Yep. This is very young-looking actress. I don't think she's supposed to be underage in this because she says she's like part-owner of the horse. But yeah, she looks very young. I think the actress is 25, but she

can play 16. She can play 16, but she also has like kind of smoking lines too. She's 80s 16, so it's sure. Well, we're seeing her in high-deaf. There's no way TV audiences in the 80s saw those. Okay. If she has a resting 16-year-old face, despite her age, David Hasselhoff has a resting

eye-bang 16-year-old's face. Absolutely, yes. It's almost not his fault. The official words of my publisher, go ahead and buy my book. No, Devon's right to look out for Michael Knight. This guy is trouble. He is...

Kids like Michael, we can't go by another high school so you can troll for dates. Come on, kid, pal. Let's do it, buddy. But we got to make sure that this crosswalk is safe. Who else is going to do it, if not us? I know what you're up to, Michael. I need $40 to buy these kids some beer. I'll find out who their ringleader is.

So now the... The boss only sort of believes him and he gives him 24 hours to land this investigation before they drive off to Seattle on another mission. So we have 24 hours for him to finish this investigation. There's 24 hours before the big race this horse needs to win. And there's 24 hours before the partner is going to get killed by the mob to pay back the money. And he also said there's 24 hours before I'm meeting the guy to sell the horse. So they gave five ticking clocks and they're all the same clock. It's the best.

That's not how you do that. When Michael tears out of the transport truck, it is so fucking sweet every time. It's so fucking cool. It's just the best. Because it's moving. They don't have to do this. They could pull over, but they don't. They're always moving.

He backs out, hits the highway, and a car backing out of a ramp onto, from a moving truck onto a highway does not like it. So the car's like, fuck this and like tries to rip itself in half. And so the driver has to like get. control of that and then like start the car moving. It's it just looks so awesome and so gnarly every time. And he he pulls that fucking 180 handbrake turn on the moving highway just out of backing out of a semi truck like their stunt drivers were fucking nuts. Like they usually, I've watched a lot of these and he'll usually just kind of pull out and then speed off past the truck this time like that

fucking turn is super sweet. But before he left the truck they do have an important interaction here. I do want to play a clip. Not so fast. Kit's auto currency dispenser is $40 short. But I don't see any receipts. Bonnie, I'm on the road. I can't keep track of every nickel. Is it possible the malfunction is in me, Bonnie?

No. In covering form puts a strain on your systems, Kit. Who? Moire? I'm glad you left the slide whistle. Yeah, of course. Of course. She's like, I know you're trying to lie for it.

you son of a bitch. They're going to fucking kill him for that $40. Why didn't he get a receipt? I thought that was like kind of legit. Like he was using... For horse racing? Well, okay, but it was part of his undercover op, right? It's 40 bucks.

I feel like, obviously it's not that much money, but if you're like I had to sort of blend in with the crowd, I feel like you can get that approved. It's not taxpayer money, right? Like, the Federation is a private organization. I just want to reiterate, this is like a $12 billion car. It's like the... They've invented artificial intelligence amongst rocket jumps and it also just being a sweet-ass car.

And it keeps like $60 in it. And they're like, where's that fucking $60? $60. Dude, that was my money. I put it into kit myself. Like, I need it. I need it back. This isn't the Federation's money.

So they tear an ass. They tear ass and they go to question the vet. They go to question the vet. And the partner finds out about this. And he tries to, uh, he tries to get the horse out of there. Because the partner, Tommy's hanging. out the vet. Still discussing, telling each other their evil plan. They weren't done. The last scene. The horse is there on the premises. So now he has to get the horse out of there. And he loads it

into a trailer. The horse starts going completely nuts. And while Michael goes to, as far as she knows, just beat the shit out of this vet. She goes to check on the horses. So she doesn't have to be liable for this. She's not party to the crime. And the partner, like, he sees, okay, I got to get out of here and get to that trailer. She really wants to pet the horses. I know that. the solution to this, I'm going to throw a lantern into this hay and light everything on fire. Yeah, burn it all down. Burn her, the horses, everything. My partner?

Yeah, this is this guy's veterinary business. Yeah. Yeah, at one point he says like, fuck all of this. Oh, I didn't want to get you involved. Didn't want to get you in trouble. He tried to burn her alive. This would buy you 10 seconds, right? She just takes the horse and leaves.

He couldn't have known that she would decide to lay down and take a nap in the hay. Like that's... I think it's supposed to be like the smoke knocks her out, but like, she is out so fast. She is out so fast. And when Michael rescues her, he basically just jumps over like a little one foot thing of fire, grabs her.

Yeah, does the exact same way on the exit. It is. She was inches from safety. He does call for backup from Kit. And Kit, that's an excuse for Kit to do a real sweet drift out in the dirt. Hell yeah. And I love these shots because if they do this shot where like the hero shot where the drift kit right towards the camera and then like right past him.

Now, if you pause it right as he's closest to the camera because these are upscaled, you know, higher resolution, you can see the driver's hands on the wheel. Oh, shit. And that's because they never had a remote control car. Of course, what they did was they dressed the stunt driver up like the driver's seat. He's dressed as a chair inside.

I love that. They did that in the grade too. That's the sweet. Literally like a chair costume. costume. It's so cool. If it ever gets close like this, sometimes you can see, you can look through the little mesh panel because like one of the one of the seats is like twice the size as the other seat. And you can see his real sweaty eyes. And like I, there's a, there's a function on our podcasting thing where you can upload an image. I don't know if this like displays it to all

the hands in the center. He looks like the robot from from mask the cartoon. Yeah, he's a he's a Herbie. You just see a guy's face in between like the headrest gap, just looking real sweaty. I would really like to have a Knight Rider's seat costume prop. Night writer's seat costume, hold on. What are you just like, the Knight Rider's seat? I'm going to look at it for you right now. Oh, no, just a bunch of like replica parts.

How to make your own costume. You could be the replica driver, but. Okay, back on track. Michael, Michael saves Max. The bad guy escapes, but he's putting the case together. He's like, oh, maybe this isn't about. horse insurance. Like, good, good job. Way to catch up, buddy. There's a moment I really liked here where he comes in. He's like, give me all your files on this horse insurance stuff. And he's like,

no, no, he just wants all the files. And he's like, hey, are you with the insurance company? He's like, nope. And that's just some guy. And the vet's like, cool. Yeah, here you go, buddy. We don't have a protocol. Yeah, he's like, well, you know what? I like your style. That jacket's sweet as shit. Hell yeah. Go ahead and take these. Yeah, have all the files here. To be fair, I don't know that in the 1980s there was horse hippa. Like, I don't think that was the thing. You could just be like, yeah, I'm interested in horse insurance. He's like, all right, I don't give a shit.

Yeah, I shot that horse in the face. Who cares? Yeah, I don't have confidentiality. I want you to know that I did that because it was awesome. So Michael and Kit, they track back to a casino that they think the, the partner was gambling at. And he, he fucking asks Kit for money again. I need it, dude.

Come on. I of course took a clip of him asking for money again. Slip me a couple hundred, will your partner? Partner, whenever it's money, it's partner. I always call you partner. Now, come on, it's foundation business. Whatever you say, but don't forget, you still owe me $40, and I can't cover with Bonnie forever.

Thank you. Cash sound. Thank you. It was a foregone conclusion of Michael. never had a doubt in his mind. Yeah. Give me that cash. Why even dispense cash if you can't use it for undercover missions?

It's like, we're on these fucking secret missions. You're going to need cash. And the car's like, no, dude. You've got to just go in raw do it. Go do the undercover casino op empty pockets. You still owe the car $40. I'm not letting this go, Michael. I just love that they programmed in the little casino cash out noise.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the little dopamine rube. It's got a field job. Jackpot. Yeah. You got to get him pulling that gear shift again. The sound designer has so much fun.

Like earlier, that was like a like a spaceship explosion sound from like an early 80s arcade game. Yeah, it was a fucking round. Yeah. I was trying to figure out exactly what game it was from, but it was perfect. Could be any. So Michael goes in. He gives $100 to the guy just to let him in and then promptly loses most of the rest on the first bet. So he just 30 seconds ago borrowed a couple hundred dollars.

and now he has basically nothing. He's already out. Prime undercover work. He calls kids, he's like, dude, you got to fucking fix the roulette table. And there's obviously no way a car can do this, right? And they don't explain it. Not a single word of lip service is paid.

There's no like, oh, I'll use my magnet ray or my probability calculator. No, he just can fucking fix a roulette table from 400 yards away. I can do that. I think, I'm going to give the show a little bit of leeway here. I think that Michael suspected that the table was. being electronically manipulated. What can the car do about that? Why does the car have...

It could electronically connect via waves. He could have got the signal, right? What do they have in the 80s? I don't know. Radio? I would have taken that. That's enough for me. I just didn't like how...

It seems like the car is just doing it with some sort of a power we will never understand. It's magic. They do that. Absolutely. They do that all the time. I'm just...

I mean, earlier he scanned. He put a piece of glass in his like, car lighter and was like, tell me what class this is. It's this specific drug. He's magic. He's a magic car. Just say he's magic. So he wins a ton of money and he gets the attention of the mob boss that Tommy, the partner, owed that money to. And Michael tells him in like so many words that he knows King Jack is

really alive and he'll pay a million dollars to get him back and then says because it's a really cool thing to say, you know where to find me. He very explicitly does not because seconds later, the goon comes up to him and the boss asks the goon, who is that guy? That's Michael Knight. Yeah, the guy knows. He stole my wife. Yeah. That's the fucking Knight Rider, dumbass.

I just love the idea of like doing something cool and being like, you know where to find me, walking out and everybody being like, do you know where to find that guy? Yeah. Because I fucking don't. So he goes to cash out. And without my, this is one of my favorite conks of 80s television. Dude, he goes to cash out. Primoc cock.

They conch him unconscious without any fuss. He never notices. He's down instantly. It's like he was just, he was just primed. There's something else going on with him. He's got like... Yeah, he's got like narcolepsy or something. He's walking around with a stack of concussions, for sure.

He just wasn't paying attention and they popped him. Too many fucking 180s out of a moving trailer. Yeah, that's probably it. He's got parts of kit in his skull and they just pop the right one. His neck bones are just gravel. If he bought the wrong one, he spits out $40. They shoved Michael into the back of a limo to get rid of him. Of course, he calls Kit to follow them, and Kit does.

But as he's driving out, the valet asks for a tip from the unmanned car, the magic car that he's seeing. And Kit tells him another winning horse, just single-handedly destroying this economy. Yeah, he's just handing out small fortunes, but refuses to do it for his boy. Right. Right. But he wants that $40 back. That's how much he hates Michael Knight. I could make you rich, Michael, but I'll fuss over.

over this $40 because I'm a little bitch. Because, you know what? It's because he's trying to fuck the jockey. Yeah. That's why it's punishing him. It's jealousy. Because, yeah, at any point, it's clear they could make as much money as they wanted through gambling schemes.

Yeah, he literally did. He had, like, do you see his tray of coins, you know? Chips. Yeah, his chips. Was a small fortune. He was about to cash out $100,000. If he hadn't gotten conced, he would have just. Yeah, and he was fully prepared to just leave with that money, too.

There was no like, he would have paid off his debt and been free of kit. That $40 debt. They've been bid free. So the bad guys are there. They're making a deal to sell the horse to an old white guy doing an terrible Arabic accent, which kind of sounds like an English accent because that was the 80s. I liked his little she cat. They're like, that's a little she cat.

Good enough, right? Do we not know any Middle Eastern actors? You know, it's the cannibal run tooth thing. You just get like a Jewish guy. Yeah. And just, you know, tan him up a little bit and, you know, you have a sheep. Put some sunglasses on him. Yeah.

There you go. And you can do the accent, right? And then they're like, probably what is the accent? I don't know. We don't know. Just whatever. If we knew the Arab people, we would have brought him in. Like, what are you talking about?

This is the 1980s. There's no way to check that. It's sure. Nobody here knows an Arab person. Same guy probably played a Native American in some other movie. I didn't look him up, but his headshot does appear later in this episode. I don't know if you noticed that. Oh, yeah.

It's that guy. Yeah, they were like talking about him. Yeah. He was like, oh, that's on the computer. or whatever, right? That's wealthy chic, yeah. And the screen popped up on Kit, and it was this actor's headshot. No, it's unmistakable.

There's no chance it was anything else. I wonder, man, that's sweet. He got that sweet spot. Everybody's going to cast. Like, oh, I needed an ethnic without, you know, without, you know, talking to one. So Kit makes, goes and rescues David Hasselhoff from the back of the limo and this fucking sweet-ass moving car transfer with a stuntman jumps out of the trunk and, like, jumps across as they're driving on the highway,

crawls up. It is such a sweet stunt. It's good. It's real good. Just casually jump from one car to another on the highway. The stuntman wig was kind of a jump scare, like, laugh. A little bit. But like, I forgave it.

You know what I mean? Like, it isn't even close. It's like they have a bath mat on some dude's head while he does this completely awesome, like death-defying leap. It was designed to be one-tenth the resolution of this. Just like the guy, just like you can see the guy dressed like a seat. You're like, oh, I wasn't supposed to see that. But he says something insane when he pulls the trunk, like a supercar pulls up behind this guy, like within inches.

The trunk pops open, his hostage gets out, fucking leaps across cars and jumps in through the sunroof. And then David Hasselhoff says, oh, I guess he noticed us. The plan was to do that and not be noticed. Like, you're out of the car, bro. It's mission to copy. Who gives a shit what this guy thinks about it? This is maybe the one thing. I remember most from Kit is that any time he could just jump.

Like he could turbo jump and he would just fly. So he jumps over the car and this was not one of the better ones. It cuts really quick after the impact because it landed hard. Like it comes down at an angle on the front tire. They kill the Trans Am for this for sure. Yeah, yeah, that model exploded. Yeah, for sure. And that was the Sipsons joke, right?

He does at least one turbo every episode. Yeah, he has to do the job. That's why people came. This kind of a wasted turbo. I don't feel like this needed a turbo. You could have saved it for something else. They don't always destroy the car when it lands.

Yeah, because he was already in the car, right? Like there's, yeah. Plus it was on an open highway. It could have just passed him and slowed down in front of him. Yeah. However, this does work. What that does is the goon stops. And the goon is like twice the size of Michael Knight.

And when he stops, the goon just gets out and it's like, there's no fight. He doesn't do anything. He's just like, that car jumped over me. I'm not going to do anything. Yeah. Like my life is ruined. My mind has been destroyed.

I'm just going to tell you everything you need to know. He doesn't. He says, I want my lawyer. And then presumably they just, they just road haul him until he's dust. Yeah, because is Michael a cop? Like, he can just beat the shit out of this guy as much as he wants. And then, like, later they confirm, he's like, well, he's

talking to his lawyer. It's like, oh, what are you? What's the point of you then? Call the cops. Are you not above the law? Yeah, this horse is a horse crime. Why did we explode a transand for that? My front axle is gone. What do you mean he's

talking to the lawyers. And it's like $7,500 bail. And they're like, they've run an illegal. It's conceded it. They just bailed them out. Oh, God. This was another 80s theme is that like, the law can't do nothing. The law is just impotent.

That's the whole purpose of Knight Rider. They say that in the intro, like, a criminalist who were above the law. Only, I guess Knight Rider is still below the law. Yeah. Every episode ends with him, like, punching a couple of guys and then looking at him being like, stay here. The cops are on their way. Like, all right.

They said no. Like, are you going to kill him? He won the fight. What are we going to do? Yeah, fair and square. What if they arrest you, Michael Knight, for all kinds of crimes. You just beat the shit of a guy and trashed two cars. Yeah.

On the highway with a fucking illegal casino that you participated in. So the mobster, the lead mobster, goes to Tommy the partner and tells him like, he knows about the horse sale now. And he's going to take most of the money from that. And then he immediately fucks up and lets the horse go. You're bad at this. He keeps messing with the horse. The guy's like, the horse doesn't like strangers. Like, I don't fucking care.

And the horse is like, I'm going to touch it. Okay, I'm breaking free and running away then. And it does. And they both just watch it go. And the boister goes like, get him back. And to his credit, Tommy just goes, I'm not going to catch a horse. Yeah. It's a world champion horse fucking, yeah, kill me.

But they know where he's going. Yeah, because horses are like dogs, apparently. Yeah, they always go home. Yeah. It's a classic horse knowledge. Horses can navigate. Horses go back home. Do they go back home?

Sure. I mean, according to. According to television. Willing to admit that my horse knowledge is not really that great. Look, they go back home if they got something sweet like Maxwell. Yeah. If they got a woman to go back to. Because he sidles up to her and she doesn't like, oh, my God, my horse.

Oh, holy shit, buddy. How you doing? She goes, oh, baby. I'm so glad you're back. Did you take a clip? Because I wrote down the exact quote. What's the exact quote? King Jack, you're alive.

King Jack. Oh, baby. real sexual stuff going on with this horse and it's pretty hard for a horse I'll say that I'll give them that sure no one disagrees with that no one's saying she's wrong to fuck the horse no one could

I'm gonna go on record that I'm saying that she should I'm gonna split coward you're a coward and a liar I'm saying conspicuously silent on behalf of my publishers so as she's re-revees uniting with the horse, the mobster and Tommy, the partner, just walk up and you're like, I don't worry what going to take you and the horse.

I wonder if at any point they would, like, they had this conversation in the car of like, holy shit, like, was this way easier than like drugging a horse and faking its death? Yeah, we could just threaten her the whole time. We could have just kidnapped and killed a girl. There's nothing she could do about it. Yeah. Because there isn't. She couldn't do it a goddamn thing.

She just goes with them. So Michael is shaking down the Wilford Brimlet, the vet for their location. This dude snitches instantly. grabs him and he's like, oh, so quick. Whatever you say, handsome fellow. It's indisputably the move he deploys on the Wilford Brimlet, it can be nothing, can be called nothing but a power snuggle.

Yep. Like, you don't generally when you headlock a guy, you don't jump up and bite his ear. Like, you don't nibble on his ear while you're doing that. Yeah. This guy had no neck to choke. Like, he was safe forever in this hole. I'm going to squeeze your fucking head until got him in a forearm chest lock.

Yeah, so he talks, he tells them, and then Kit goes to, like, zoom up to them, but they're in a horse trailer, so, like, they're kind of selling this, like, this is the final chase. And they show it in a long shot, and the Trans Am just zooms up, like, 80 times faster, like just immediately. I love when they do this. It looks so cool when they just speed up the regular Trans Am. Because it just looks like he's zipping around at, like, supersonic speeds. But, like, the way the other cars are going, like, 10 miles an hour, like, it looks real. Like, it just, it looks like a supercar. how it, how stupid the solution was and how well it worked.

But there's also no drama to it because he catches them instantly. You're like, yeah, it was never in doubt. He's in a Cadillac and a horse trailer. Yeah. But also before they even found the horse trailer, it's not like they're like zooming up and down the highways looking for it. Like the kit knows everything. There's no drama to any of the mysteries on the show.

He's like, here's the horse dealer who took the horse. He's getting on a plane. This is when the plane is taking off. This is the highway they're on, which all we got to do is zip over there. and this is when they show his headshot on the screen, which I thought was very funny. I looked him up, by the way, he is Egyptian, so we'll give the show a little credit.

Oh, okay. That's more credit than I would have given him. René Asa. He's never been, that's all I'm going to say, he's Egyptian in the sense that, like, from ancestry, because that accent was absolutely not. It was bad. That was not anything at all.

He's also played a Mexican, an Italian. He's one of those. Yeah, we were right. He's one of those guys. Yeah. Just brown. Just brown enough. Like me.

I could say that because that's kind of what I. That's the zone I occupy. Thank you for taking that one. Yeah, absolutely. I didn't really want to be clipped saying just brown enough. So Michael, like, Michael and Kit just cut into the middle, like between the Cadillac and the horse trailer. Like, obviously there's nothing left for the bad guys to do, but like kind of to ram them. Like, what else are they, what else are they going to do?

And they act surprised when he starts ramming them. And then, and then he deploys the, the oil slick that he has in the car. But while he does that, he says a bunch of stuff that really sucks. I took a clip. How rude he's trying to make a sandwich out of us. I think I have just the thing to loosen them up. Let's give him a little fresh OJ. Arm your oil jets.

Ready and waiting, Michael. Just the thing for the slick guy. I don't know what you're talking about. That is cool as shit. Boom. Let's give a little OJ. Dude. And this, he's so done when the oil hits the road.

He is off the road in second. Hunter's style. He's in like an old Cadillac. This was not a real wheel drive. Yeah, that thing is. We don't, I don't think we see him. Do they like talk about his arrest later?

I think he is completely dead from this. He does like judo a couple guys. So who's the Cadillac? That was a main bad guy. Tommy, Tommy, the main guy and like a goon. The main bad guy was driving himself. So he's gone. The goon and Tommy are in the truck with.

Yes. Maxine. Yeah. So Michael climbs out of the sunroof. And then Kit pulls up to the back of the trailer and all of this is so that so that David Hasselhoff can leap into the back of the pickup lean into the passenger window and grab hold of a guy's wrist the passenger's wrist he just holds this works they like they're like totally oh my god I can't I don't have any defense against this

kit gets in front and like slams on the brakes to make the truck stop and they're all like okay well let's get out and fight because that was like yep I can't do anything about the wrist lock through the window so Michael jumps out he knocks them all out really easily and they rescue the horse and they cut later and to, I guess, the same day because they're talking about how the big race, which was 24 hours from now, is still tomorrow. So this all took like an hour and a half. Yeah. Yeah. Efficient. Very efficient. This is just like a busy afternoon for them. And they're going to, the trauma this horse has been through. It's been addicted to smack, kidnapped, and ran away, got lost in the woods and came back and they're like, let's run that horse

around the lap a couple of times before the big race. No training. Like that horse is going to have a fucking heart attack. It's just show up to the way ends, just puking. They're way ins? I don't know how horse races work. Yeah, this horse is addicted smack now. It's high as shit. Anything's kind of fun.

So the unspecified mook that we never got a name for that was getting gambling tips from the car in the parking lot and not thinking that he was insane because that would be my first thought. He drives up. He somehow knows where they all are.

They're at the horse track. Not the betting one, the one she uses for practice, which is clearly out in the middle of nowhere. He drives down a dirt road to find them. He knows where they are and he's furious because Kit's tips were wrong and he lost a fortune. However, Kit also lost $20. He dispensed $20 for himself to bet. And I took a clip of this and the outro. Kid, did you bet a horse? With foundation money. Michael, I was just trying to bail out your auto currency statement. Statistically, I couldn't lose. That's what they all say.

Michael, can I ask you a favor? Yeah, partner, what is it? lend me $20. No. Dude, that theme song comes in so hard and fast. So hard. I love that cut from like, we're doing a little bit. He's like, you know what?

Fuck you. Dun it. Dun it. It just slams in there. It's like, we're doing a little comedy bit. Let's enjoy a sensible juggle. Oh, my God, we're going a million. miles an hour and everything's on fire. We're all going to die. I'm going to put that on a like a

little playback device whenever I reject somebody. I have that ready to go. No. You were to go out tonight? You know what? No. Did it? Did it? Did it? It's perfect. Yeah, it was perfect. That was the perfect horse episode and I can't wait to find out how the other shows did. I assume they're all this good. He's welcome to the 1,900 Hot Dog Stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight. The insult comic with class Lord Jimathan Jigglesworth. Oh, thank you, thank you. That's quite enough, though I should say, flattery. We'll get you everywhere.

Oh, what a supreme audience we have tonight. I recognize a lot of faces, though they might not like me saying that. Oh, I see Aaron Crosston here. A peacock in everything but beauty. Oh, Adrian H. I see Adrian H here. Alex Nolenberg. Alpha scientist Java. An Andy, Armando Navar, Autumn Armstrong Berg.

Oh, I see Brandon Garlock. He has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen, are never remembered. Uh-ho-ho. Brian Sailor. Brockway famously loves the meat millie. A little too much if you know what I mean. Ceryl.

Christopher Worthing, I am told pork packing is the most valued profession in America. Tell your mother, I said, thank you for your service. Oh, I'm so naughty. Common sense, I see Craig Lemoyne, Dan B, David Schell. Popularity is the only insult that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. A Delta Fox Trot, I see Devin the Rogue Supreme here, I see Dusty's rad title and Elizabeth Schope. Elliot Watson is said that he can talk brilliantly upon any subject, provided that he knows nothing about it. Christian Burg is here, fancy shark, Jello, good Satan and his hot witches, I see you there.

Greg Cunningham, Greg Cunningham is an excellent man. He has no enemies and none of his friends like him. Oh, oh, I slay, I truly do. A haraka, hobby pengueeny, honk. I have here, I want Brockway to say Dyke, which I'm allowed to do because this accent might be Dutch or something, you don't know. Jabar Al Aden, James Boyd, Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, it's the perfect man,

always dull and usually violent. Oh, Jared Ruiz, John Deeb, John McCabin, John Minkoff, a lot of John's here tonight, you know what I'm saying. Josh Quicksall, it is said some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. Eh, but no really. Go fuck yourself, Josh Quicksol. You know what you did. Uh, Joshua Graves. Justin B. Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book.

Give her a few minutes, folks. She'll get it. Ken Paisley. K&M. I see KVH. I see Elaine Haygood here. Lisa. Oh, she seems like a good citizen or a faithful wife or something else equally tedious. Oh! Ho-ho-ho. M. Jahi Chappelle. Mark Mahoney. Matt Riley.

Max Broy. I see Mercenary Sissidman here. Michael Lair. Mickey Lohman. Oh, Mickey Lohman, such keen student. Always ready to give his betters the full benefits of his inexperience. Oh-hoo! Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N. D.

Neil Bailey. Neil, they say there is no sin. Except stupidity. So tell the devil I said, Hello! Oh, fuck you, Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer, Naku 104, Nick Levino, obsolete.

Ogilwan Supreme is like the best art. All style, unpolluted by sincerity. Oh, I'm told one ball in has been received in all the great houses. Or once. I kid, I'm a kid. I actually like one ball in. Henri Weevil, Ozzie Olin, Patrick Herbst. I see Peewey's uncle here with Rebrandrew and Red Wine Time.

Riann! Hello, Rihannan. Russell Bauman. Oh, Russell Bauman, everybody. You seem... Russell, you seem the kind of person who's brilliant at breakfast. No, don't get that one? Go team up with Katie Faville. Maybe you two can figure yours out together. Sam Copnik, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase, Seed Space Jam fan, I may not agree with you, but I shall defend to the death. You're right to be a dipshit.

Spotty reception, supernot, day to stays, TEDH, Thomas, Thomas is such a good friend, he will always stab you in the front air. Thomas Cavatzos, Timi Lehi, Toastigan, I see Tommy G here. Velo, Velo is the kind of person who deprives one of solitude without providing one with company. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that one was bad. Victor Malavankan, Booster, Whalen Russell. I see Yvonne Clavom here. Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language. As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm.

And as a wiener, he is everything but plump. Oh, ha, ha, ho! I kid, of course. Thank you. Thank you all. I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths cause wrinkles. Oh, no, but seriously, folks, truth is everything. Stay true. One must always strive. to be true to what they are, even if what they are is a nasty little cunt.