The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 284, Horse Theme 9000: The Wizard with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

What kind of video can you make with a horse, a little person, a selection of adult toys and budget of about $136? Lydia Bugg is gonna find out along with Seanbaby and Robert Brockway on this week's podcast! Join us for 18 inches of choo-choo fun right here on the HORSEZZONE!

Welcome to the Horse Zone 9,000, the official horse cast of 1,900 Horse Dog, America's last horse website. I'm notorious horse counterfeiter Robert Brockway, and with me is my prize-winning stallion, Sean Baby. Oh, la, la, I am chomping at the bit. Ha ha, yes! For my unbridled passion for horse. Fuck yes, he did it. And our guest, looking, hold on, suspiciously like Sean Baby's markings. Is that Lydia Bug?

It is. Lydia Bug, the evil horse vixie. of this show. Every show needs one. Every show needs an evil horse vixen, as we have learned. We're still doing a little mini-series called The Horse Episode, talking about the bizarre 1970s, 1980s action hour television shows that did, you know, horse specials.

They did horse episodes. Kind of the same one, honestly, over and over again. That's the theme we're talking about. Before we get to that, where can people find more from you, Lydia? You can find me across all social media. at you know Lydia and I actually have something to announce this this time. I never have anything new, but oh yeah, I was featured in The Guardian the other day. I wrote an article called What Would Jesus Drink that was about Christian energy drinks for The Guardian? So look that up.

Wow. And I also read, yeah, that was fun. It was weird and fun. Thank you. Yeah, they reached out to me because they saw my TikTok about it and they were like, we really like that. Do you want to make it into a piece for the Guardian? And I was like, yeah, I do. So that's all that. came about and I made a sub-stack too recently so you can follow me there and it's called middle-class writer I'm just doing kind of a slice of life thing about because Chris Getherd said there aren't very many middle-class like comedy writers anymore and I was like that's me I am one of the few people who has that job and it is really weird so I was like I think I will like write about that and it's

free so shit you got big new developments yeah I know I wasn't even going to mention the Guardian thing and I was like, shit, I did write for the Guardian and that was a very big deal. I was very excited about that. Writing comedy for a newspaper? I think that might be the last time that ever happens. I know. My dad was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever read in The Guardian. Why do you think they wanted you to do that? I was like, I don't know. Maybe you're bringing it back. Maybe you'll bring the all written comedy back. Maybe I'll save it. Well, and I started thinking about Dave Barry. I used to read Dave Barry columns as a kid, even though he was a 40-year-old dad. I somehow found them very relatable. I was like, I want to write a Dave Barry column. So that's kind of why I

started the substack. Well, fuck, yeah, bringing Dave Barry back. Is he dead? I assume he's dead. No, I think he's alive. I think he's still around. Oh, okay. I, he recently came up my research because I did an article about this guy named Larry Wilde, who wrote 12, he sold 12 million joke books. And so I was like, who else like has those kinds of numbers? And he was up there with like David Sedaris and Dave Barry. And so I was just trying to like calibrate him with, you know, the greats. And he surpassed most of them. And when I looked at his books, they were actually insanely racist and incompetent.

And hold on. Hold on. Hold on. They were also insanely misogynistic. Yeah. No, there was a lot of problems with it. A lot of women were raped in that joke book. Oh, my God. More than you would assume.

So many more than you would assume. It would be like Larry Wilde's joke book of non-rape jokes. And you're like, okay, Larry. And then every single one. And you're like, oh, my God. What? See, because, Sean, you don't understand comedy is all about surprise. So setting you up to think it's not going to be that is the joke.

Yeah. And it works every single one. I was shocked. Every once in a while, he'd throw rape in the setup. Not even the punchline. Yep. You're like, hold on. That didn't even have anything to do with the.

with the actual joke structure? You're just putting in that? Most of the times, yeah, it was irrelevant. You're like, you know, you could lose the sexual assault. I mean, the joke wouldn't work, but the joke would be the same, like the same amount of comedy. So something about that is what he found funny. 12 million is what keeps me alive at night, just thinking of that. Yep.

One of the bestselling authors of all time. Oh, Jesus Christ. Just a billionaire off of those terrible jokes. Okay. Well, no, he's dead. He's dead. Oh, that's good. That's reassuring. Yeah, but he died a billionaire. Damn it.

But he didn't die doing what he loved. He hated writing these books. Where can people find better jokes, Sean? Oh, well, I work at a place called One 900 Hot Dog where I love writing jokes, and it brings me great joy. And we've been doing it for six years now, and it's the very last place on the internet where you can find, like, articles with text and images. Like the old days, we have 13 people doing columns for us on and off. And they're all world-class talents like the great Liddybug from The Guardian. Yeah, now that, go to 1,900 hotdog.com or Patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. We're not becoming a millionaire's office.

Nope. And that's fine. That's probably for the best. You've seen how we spend the money. I know one button we're not pushing that we could push. I'm out learning from Larry Wilde here. Yeah. You know what?

push it see what happened if you don't want to see that happen you better come support us you better come support us or we're gonna push the button or else we're gonna we're gonna go full Babylon B if you don't

oh god yeah that's such an easy pivot oh we should just do that anyway we're chumps okay well I've got I've got something see I'm actually no longer legally obligated to promote my new book in fact my publisher has just now

very politely asked me to stop And I took that personally. So I'm here to promote my new book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. In the email, the publisher has taken issue with, quote, all my lies about, quote, bordering on fraud claims. So I'll just, let me just say this. I'm just going to say something real simple, truthful, factual about the book. It's a romantician novel about sexy horse crime.

If you love that, by the book. You won't be disappointed. It's true. I vouch for it. That was my poll quote for the book. It is a romantic, the thing you said, the romanticcy, whatnot. About sexy horse crime. Sean just says that no matter what you send him.

He'll just, that's what he returns. That's his only blur. I love the horse fucking part. Sean Baby from the internet. Okay. So today we're doing more horse episode. This time we're talking about the wizard. The wizard and the episode Born to Run.

It's the horse episode of the wizard. The wizard's about Simon McKay. He is the little little person toy genius. I don't know that I've ever actually, because I think a little person toy genius is so like self-explanatory, I don't know that I've ever actually explained the premise of this show. Could you? I don't think the show does it either, but I have watched all of it. And so here's what I infer.

Can I just say that I went into it not knowing anything and it's the most crazy intro you've ever seen in your life if you go in cold for it. And can I add rest of episode? Yeah. Well, especially, I eventually, I had to pause in the first five minutes and go to Wikipedia because I was like, how are these people related? Why are they all at each other's houses?

Do they live together? Good questions. All of them. The wizard doesn't really ever answer them, but you can kind of infer. And now I have said, when forced to explain it, I have taken the cowards route and said he makes little toy weapons for the government. That's not true. What the actual premise is, is that he is so brilliant, his inventions could be used as weapons.

Ah. But he insists on making toys instead. And the U.S. government is so respectful, they won't push him to make weapons. But they know other governments might kidnap him and force him to make battle toys for China. So they appointed a whole federal task force to monitor his independent freelance toy making life 24-7, including... Hold on. Hold on. Okay.

You're lying. You're making all this stuff. You're saying it to see if I would call you out on it, and I did. It's all bullshit. There's only one guy there. There's not a whole government agency. He's the only one that's like appointed to live with him. He's a live in. He is a live-in NARC. And I say there's a whole government agency because in the pilot episode, it's, I think he's replacing a different live-in narc. They have like a rotating cast that they have to give him. So he always has to have a live-in narc with like a support force back at the office that I don't think we ever see. But there is like a like a organization that just employs a live-in fed

that does nothing but live in the little person toy genius's house and help him have adventures. I appreciate you going on with a bit even after I called you on it. I obviously know it's bullshit. none of that is possible. The other cast member, this isn't going to help, Sean, this isn't going to help the case. The other cast member is named Tilly,

who is sort of their live-in-made, sort of their live-in cook. She's a pirate. No. She's definitely a sailor. They meet her and take her off a boat. In their episode, yeah, in their episode, it's very strongly hinted at in the stories that she tells

that she's like sort of an borderline pirate character, like definitely into like maybe a smuggler, definitely some sort of raconteur of the sea who has then just chosen to live and specifically bake, specifically bake treats for the little person toy genius. That's our main cast. Yep. Grandma pirate. That is.

Grandma pirate baker. Live in Grandma Pirate Baker and live in. Who should the other sidekick be? I don't know. Throw the dark. I got Grandma Pirate. All right. So she can bake and do pirate stuff.

So you start to see why I just say, like, he makes, he makes toys for the government. Yeah. Yeah. They should have stopped at that. Like, we would have all been like, all right, fine. That's fine. I don't know. It's grown on me.

Like, it's so fucking stupid. Now that I had like a minute to take it in, I think I love it. I enjoyed it. I'm used to it. Yeah. Nobody else did. I've seen two episodes of the show, like in my adult life. I had no idea any of that was true.

Yeah. I've watched all of it and you have to really pay attention to like you have to watch all of it to like put together what's actually happening because I don't think they know when they set out. Oh my God. I don't think they fully know. I would love to watch the pilot because I want to see how they how they explain all that and put all it together because seeing the intro is like, is this like Dr. Who? But with a little person? Is that the only like twist on it? And that's what I was like, okay, I got to look it up.

Like it looks. Sort of, they sort of explain it. Like, they throw you in cold with, like, the new, the live-in Narc's first day. They're like, it's his first day on the job. That's how they introduce your, like, straight man sort of thing. But then they leave so much of this outspoken because they have to get to the plot of the pilot episode, which ends with David Rapaport, Simon, the little person toy genius, uh, cosplaying as an ancient Aztec god and rising out of the sea to unleash a curse on a bunch of, like,

I think they're gold thieves. It uses, like, the toys to become an Aztec god. God and they all flee. Show's fucking crazy. It's like one of the craziest goddamn things you will ever see. It just saw Return of the Jedi. They're like, I like this scene where they like trick the Ewox into thinking C3Pio's the guy. Could we use it in our little person toy genius show?

Yeah, it's very much the force. I already wrote it. He uses the toys like they use the force to float in how to C3PO. Very much so. And the, I think they're just Mexicans respond exactly. like the Ewox, which is probably not crazy. Yeah. Yeah, there's some very 80s things about.

I was hoping they'd at least be, yeah, like an unvisited tribe or something, you know what I mean? No, no, modern. Some ancient savages, but no, just some dudes that live in Mexico. It was definitely like they're part of this like criminal organization, but you know, really just there as minors. Anyway, that's not the episode we're talking about. We're talking about the horse episode. Is every episode like a murder she wrote style like this where it's like he's,

he's got some friend who's in trouble in some way and he visits them. Yes. Yes, pretty much. That was my major question about it. Yeah, that's the formula of the show. There's not much. It was a mid-season replacement that did not get picked up. So there's like 10 episodes of this.

And that's all there was of this show. You start to get why when you start to try and explain the premise to anybody. And they're like, hold on, shut up. What are you talking about? That's literally what happened. No, the pirate is all. also a baker, you see. Yeah, and she lives there because he needs treats all the time.

Yeah, yeah. No, I get the grandma pirate part, the part I'm having trouble with. So in the horse racing episode, because all of the horse episodes are horse racing episodes, like this was like, I don't know, this was like quicksand in the 80s. It was such an outsized, like, facet of TV life when I was a kid that I just assumed like half of every adult's time was taken up by horse racing. Like, that must be. It did not play that big of a factor in most people's life.

Some people, it was their whole life, but not in general society. So the live-in Narc and the live-in pirate baker, Tilly, are reading horse racing stories in the local paper like you do. When Simon comes in bragging about his new invention, which is a horrible mechanical spider built to retrieve the toys from cereal boxes because all of the children hate cereal. First of all, the toy doesn't work. like it explodes the whole box. And then his partner, this fucking live in Narc says, I've heard of high fiber, but this is ridiculous. And I am furious.

Like, I remember the show being sort of fun, right? But this is fucking stupid. He can't make good toys? Yeah. Like, that's his thing. And so now I'm like, was he an orko the whole time? And my memory made him competent. And as sidekicks making goddamn Marbadoodoo jokes.

So I want everyone to be clear that the star of our show is covered in cereal after after this terrible worthless invention for, I guess, handless and patient idiot breakfast children, it didn't even come close to working. It's so much worse than pawing through a cereal like a bear. And then he's sitting here just stupid as fuck with like half a box of cornflakes in his hair. And I'm sure little person actors hear this a lot, but have some dignity, man.

He is the main character. He's the main character of the show. Ridiculous. Not a prayer of this thing working. And then it didn't. As the show runner, you can't have it both ways. You can't have him be a genius so formidable that all governments had. Like, no government can get him.

He's like nuclear weapons. They're like, either we all have to have one or nobody can because the balance of power will shift too much. Also, here's his stupid comedy serial robot that doesn't work. It can't. It can't not work. He can't be an idiot also. He can't be an idiot. He's like, look, I invented the serial grenade.

You just drop it in your cereal and you get the toy. Oh, I blew up everything. The idea that he's, the idea that he's, you know, he's not. The idea that he's an adult who doesn't understand that children need to eat the cereal to get to the toy. Like the toy is the bribe that gets you to eat the healthy cereal for breakfast. Yeah. Are we being able to? Does he just not able to reach into the box for the toy?

Jamie cut that. That's fucked up. No, he never says anything like that. Specifically the problem is we need to get these toys to children, but they can't eat any of the cereal. And you're like, do you need an army of spiders? for that. Is that the best solution? And his answer is absolutely yes. Are you going to sell to their parents the spider army too?

Their parents are going to be like, yes, this is a problem that needs solved in my household. Right. Was there ever a moment in anyone's life where they're like, oh, there's a toy in that cereal box, but how will I ever get it out? He just fucking tilt the cereal around. Nope. Serial spider. Answer, serial spider.

That cereal spider did so much cereal damage. And there has to be like fluids. in that thing. Like, a thing has got to be lubricated as fucked. It's got like 75 legs. It's the cereal. You can't eat it. How long, honestly, if he's this incompetent that it's going to destroy the cereal box, how long before that spider mistakes a child for cereal? Just a stack of child-shaped cereal. Exactly. I have retrieved the toy. That's like, that's my son's gallbladder. Okay, so the maid and the maid Tilly and Simon both realize simultaneously,

they are best friends with the jockey in this race because they all love baking so much that they would just run around the town consuming baked goods every time her pirate ship came into port. I did not follow the story at all. It's something about boat and pie community in my notes. Yep. I had no idea what link was.

That's the link between the boat and pie community is him and the jockey. So they go to the racetrack. and they watch the race. And of course, in the crowd, while in the crowd watching the race, the live in Nark, he looks up in the stands and spots just a really stuck up looking evil bitch. And there has to be one in every horse episode. There's a thing he has here.

And I sort of like this, but not this specifically, where he has periscope binoculars. And that's fucked up to give the little person actor like periscope binoculars. But I like that he just sort of has toys casually throughout his day. But this feels like a gag from like one of the 30 Leslie Nielsen movies we don't talk about or remember. You know what I mean? Like he's like, because children go to horse races and they can see the horses. And so for them to be like, yeah, but if you were short, you wouldn't be able to see the horses. Like, no, no, we've solved this.

God damn it. I mean, you can also see the tiered seating, the bleachers behind them, which is how we've solved that. Yeah, that's how we did it. I don't. I feel like this is one of many conversations that David Rappaport had where he came to the screenwriters. and it's like, okay, I'm the main character of this series. Yeah. We have to do this bit.

Yeah, I'm a grown man. You know, I get that I'm not tall, but like, fuck you guys. So the Narc just spots the stuck-up bitch back there, and he instantly learns, he knows two things. He knows, like, I am desperately attracted to this woman and I'll never trust her. She's evil. That's like the acting choice he makes with his faces. I hate you. I'm disgusted, but I must fuck you.

Yeah, yeah. Well, fuck first. but then we will betray one another. Yeah, I'm not sure what the 80s hate so much about horse-owning women, but they hate them a lot. They hate them a lot in every one of these episodes. I mean, I support hating rich people right off the bat.

I think that's fine. Maybe that element is. If that's all it is. They do have to be women, though. They do have to be horse-owning women. I think there's maybe like a psychosexual element there of like they need to learn that only a man can satisfy them and not a horse.

There is, she's very weird about the horse. They're all so weird about the horses. So let me get to a couple of clips. They go, they go backstage at the horse palace where the horses live. It's called backstage. We've established this. They meet the jockey friend. Leslie Jordan, played by Leslie Jordan.

The great Leslie Jordan. I couldn't believe that was him yet. I've never seen him that young before. I was like, oh my God, but that's definitely him. But he was, but he was playing like an old. the Hill character. He's like, oh, my career's over. I'm like, aren't you like 10 in it in 1986? Yeah, he's like 28 or something. He's like, oh. Yeah. Do you know enough about jockeys to know that's not right though? Like it might be like, it might be like child

gymnasts where like it's over 14. You should not be, you should not be doing this. If you're not a, if you're not a teenager. They should race children. Here's a thing a lot of people don't know, children are very small. So if you put them on the horse, the horse could run faster. I just, I don't know. That idea just came to me. I don't see a downside to this. Holy shit. Little people. It's been staring us in the face the whole time. He should have been a jockey.

Okay. That's right there. Super jockey. The writers are way ahead of you, as always. The jockey has two precocious nephews. They run in. They know so much about horse training. And they meet Simon in the most 80s possible way. Of course, I took a clip. Please to meet you.

Are you a man or a boy? Well, tell you the truth. them a little bit of both. Don't let him fool you. He's mostly boy. With a heart of tan man. Are you a talkie too? The heart of ten man.

I think this is another one of those moments where like, you know David Rappaport had to be like, okay, I get what you're doing and that we have to address like the conversation that children have when they first see a little person and like, and I'm going to handle it with like a little bit of grace and some humor. But do we have to have the children? child question my manhood, like specifically? Yeah. Also, this is a child who grew up around jockeys.

I feel like seeing a small adult would be like real normal. Yeah. Leslie Jordan is not that much taller. Yeah. They're living with him. And he's like a foot taller. Like, I don't. It's such a perfect clip too because it's just, it's dumb as fuck.

But like so sincere. Like it's just like so everything about the show is so like magical and heartfelt, but just written by morons. Yes. That's definitely one of those things where, like, you know David Rappport was like, I get, look, I get when you're coming from a positive place, guys. I really do. But, like, I hate having this conversation with children. Can we not on the show where I'm the main character?

Can we not? And they were like, yeah, yeah, I get it, David. No. Yeah, but it's really important. It's really important for the plot. Yeah. There's another part here in this scene that I want to talk about because they know who he is. They're like, yeah, I'm the wizard.

They're like, whoa, the guy who makes all the toys we play with. So this is like a face. A world famous toy maker, they have a line of toys and they don't use him as a marketing tool? Like, is his size a dark secret? You're telling me that this is a world where there's a famous toy maker named the wizard. And he's a real person. And then someone else, hey, is there anything notable about this renowned toy maker that? Nope, nope, nothing at all.

Just a normal size dude. He cannot be in the spotlight because his toys are so good. Other governments would steal him. I forgot that. I just learned that today, though. that's why. That's the premise of the show. I'm saying it as

plainly as I can. The premise of this episode is now unveiled and it's just as fucking ridiculous. The jockey explains he's got custody of these kids since his sister died. But the fucking courts, the piece of shit American court system, you won't fucking

believe this. They don't think kids should grow up on a racetrack. And they went on to say, we think children should have a permanent dwelling. I love that line. You fucking you. Fuck you.

How dare you? I just loved that line. It is really good. Just the dark cloud that hangs over Jimmy the whole time. Because he's like, I'm too old for horse racing. I'll never be a winner again. Yeah, my sister died. I got these kids, but they're about to get taken away and separated.

It's like he just never stops. It's relentless with it. The kids are also like that. Like when they said they played with the wizard's toys, they said, we have lots of your toys. Well, we used to. They took them away when your parents died. They took all their toys. Somebody came by and repossessed the toys because you had dead.

I'm sorry, this says right here, you need parent supervision. And yours are dead, so. Yeah. So no more toys for you. They probably do. I mean, the toys that he uses in the show are very dangerous. Some of them he uses to fight people and others he uses to explode cereal. Children shouldn't play with any of those.

I agree with the courts on the idea that he's a bad, like, because his plan to provide for them is also terrible. And it's like, yeah, they were right, dude. Like, you cannot provide for them. His only plan to provide for them is he has bought a shitty rebel horse that nobody else can use. And he believes if somebody could tame it, it would be the fastest horse of them all. And if he does tame it and win the next big race, which is in two days, and he just bought the horse. Just got it.

Just bought the horse. Hasn't even really seen it yet. Two days. He has to tame this horse that cannot be tamed. And if he can win, win that race, he will win enough money to buy a house for the children. That's the plot of the episode. Well, and he said he spent his entire life savings on the horse, too. So you inherit two children and you're like, okay, I'm going to take all my money and buy a terrible racing horse.

Who has that plan? Jockeys, man. He's such a bummer. And in addition to everything I said, he's also completely destitute. and has one desperate last hope for money. And it's in horse racing. So yeah, take the kids, courts. They need a permanent dwelling.

They treat that like the courts are being such dicks. Like everybody there is like, I can't believe the injustice. So the live in Narc, he goes to hit on the stuck-up horse owner. And the way he was looking at her in the crowd, you're like, okay, they have a history. They know each other. And then the way they're interacting is he just stands literally on the winner's circle as she's there to accept her prizes,

he comes up not having anything to do with anybody and stares at her. And she's like, oh, hold on, let me go talk to him. You're like, all right, they're old lovers. No, this is the first time they met. This is really close to how you present to a horse owner, though. Like, what you like to do is you go about 20 yards away from her, and then you do some dressage steps back and forth in front of her. Show your teeth.

Until she sees your form, your loins. And then, as is tradition, she will come and sniff you and brush your hair. and courtship will continue from there. It's all in my book. How to fuck a horse lady. I don't know why you said all that when she basically said all that. I took a clip. Tell me, Whitney, what is it about some women and horses?

Horses are strong, powerful, and with a proper handling. Do anything you want them to do. If a man did that, I'll bet you'd be bored in a minute. That's why I prefer horses. That's when she jammed a thumb up his butt. I just, I left that in there because I really like the horse sting. It's so good. Yeah.

To end the comedy bit. Great, perfect. So she and the NARC go to have horse lunch at the track, which I didn't know is the thing, but there's a very fancy horse lunch they have there. And it's a very funny lunch because I guess Michael Burke and Douglas Schwartz, the screenwriters of this, they think that the height of elegance, like what elegant people do at a horse. horse track is they're constantly toasting.

Just two people have just met the Narc and the owner. They start toasting. They toast each other twice within seconds. Then another man comes up. And this is the evil trainer boyfriend, who is another like 80s archetype that we will encounter many times. The evil trainer boyfriend comes up. And what his move is to like discredit the live in Narc, he comes up and he's like,

I'm going to get you to toast to me. And they're like, no, no, no, that ruins the vibe. So the NARC, he tries to get it back by proposing yet another toast to all of them, only for the evil trainer to propose a countertoast to devastation before running away. Before he's like, I propose we toast to loss and cruelty. And then he just runs away. He got out toasted. He got it.

He got us. He toasted to evil before we could counter it. And then he left. It's one of every scene. It's just so fucking crazy. It's so funny how I didn't even notice. Like when you say it, it's like, yeah, that's fucking crazy. But I'm like, I guess it just seemed so normal to me to watch these fancy people toast and toast and toast.

It's like a two-minute scene. They toast five times. That's what fancy people do. Yeah, that seemed normal to me because I thought that was just what fancy people do. Oh, okay. That's what you guys do when you're fancy. You're just like constantly. To evil.

To horse. To horses. To losing it horses. Oh, damn it. Yeah, me and Sean are the fancy ones, and you're over here, never done a damn toast in your life. I know, I'm gonna fucking just revealing myself as a low-class dirt bag over here. I don't toast eight times with every beer. So we're backstage at the Horse Palace again.

The only person, it turns out, we're going to meet the horse. The horse's name is Kubla, the horse that cannot be tamed that the jockey bought and hung his entire family's lives on in two days. Is it Kubla's fire? Kubla's fire. It turns out obviously the only person who can psychically dominate this horse is the wizard. And it can be nothing but psychic domination because the wizard's just like, hold on, I'll take care of this. Gets in there with the horse and then just stares him down and they make likely zoom in on his eyes as he talks. And the horse, it takes 15 seconds.

The horse is like now fully tame. And he's like sweating. Yeah, it's way wetter than you'd expect. Yeah, on both on both parts. But he just has a hypnotic gentleness, which sort of suits his character, but I would have preferred if he had like some toy thing. I would have preferred if he's like sent like a swarm of calming robot bees or something. I don't know what the toy would be, but I feel like. I'm sorry, calming robot.

It just came. That's just for instance. That doesn't have to be that. I'm trying to think of like what else it could be. Like a what else to horses? Like an apple cannon? Like an automatic apple cannon? Right.

Or like, I don't. know, like a levitating fan or like a, like a robot brush. The spider from earlier could like crawl along its spine and like, give him a little horse massage. I don't know. Okay. That's what I like that. It's just the first. It's just, these are all first draft ideas. It should be something. Yeah. It shouldn't be his psychic powers. I like that he has more than toys, but but it's been a while since we've seen a toy. In fact, I don't think there's been a good toy yet. He had shitty robot and then the insulting binoculars. I'm with you. This is this is a moment where, in your toy-based show, you're like, okay, time to solve this with a toy.

And they're like, nope, psychic gentleness. And you're like, fucking what? Where did that? All right. Yeah. But it does work. The horse is now basically fully domesticated. And the evil trainer lady, or the evil trainer guy immediately starts scheming.

Like, oh, no, we can't have this. So the horse is running and he's setting a really fast time. Only the sprinklers kick on. And that spooks the horse. And he bucks the jockey friend off, sending him straight to the fucking. This stuntman eats it so hard. Like he was already hidden in a helmet and goggles. So he didn't have to do this, but he was going to break his spine before he let a

1986 TV audience figure out he wasn't Leslie Jordan. He just face planted off that horse. And curled into a half ball. Like, die. That's the stuntman motto is die facing away from the camera so they could use the take. It's just like when we were watching Night Right of the show so crappy. And then these stunt guys are like, no, I will die for this. I will dress up like a fucking chair.

So Simon goes to visit him in the hospital and says the hospital is too boring. So he opens a box that does exactly this in order. It shoots out balloons. Then it shoots out a storm of confetti. And as the confetti is floating down, it begins firing sparks into the air. Which you might recognize as a fire bomb. He brought a fire bomb to the hospital. The confetti is immediately flammable.

I cannot imagine a thing more against the rules than this. Like, he exploded the ICU and then left 800 pounds of debris in the room. Like, he killed so many patients with his fucking toy. The jockey friend loves it, though. It's just the opener because then he drags in a giant Godzilla doll that is like three times his size dressed as a nurse that was like out in the hallway. How did he even get that thing into the hospital? Oh, yeah, a little device. Hit a little deployment device.

Again, prime time to show us that in the toy show. Yeah. Yes. It all came in in like one little sandwich bag. He says, I gotta go bring my friend lunch. And then he's like, he he, he, unshrink ray, firework rate. Show us.

Show us that. And I just thought, imagine waking up from like a coma and there's your little person friend with balloons and sparks and a giant Godzilla. You'd be like, did I die? I think I might have died. Oh, but his friend loves it. He's cracking up. So the success scenario has been reached.

The friend thinks that's very funny. Only all of the friend's injuries that all of his ribs are broken. So he's just laughing and going, ah, oh, God, ah. You're killing me. He's like, I'm killing everyone. There's oxygen tanks everywhere. And I am shooting off fireworks in the hospital. Okay.

So now the other problem is they have to get the horse ready to run again in time for the big race, which, remember, is tomorrow. Or he'll lose the children. So luckily, luckily Simon is there and Simon knows an old Indian cure for hurt horse legs, which he says is mud and spices.

He puts spices in mud. I like this because the evil horse lady comes up. She's like, dude, we have horse hospitals. What the fuck? And he's like, no, ancient people once did mud. Uh-huh.

And that's enough for her. She's like, all right, buddy. She offers to buy the horse off of them for enough mud. to buy a house for the children, and they all treat that like, you fucking bitch. You can't, Rockway, you can't, you quote, can't sell someone's dream. Yeah, you can't, you can't sell someone's dream.

Even though specifically, he did list the dream, and that was one to stop horse racing, and two, to buy a house for the children. Yeah, he listed his exact dream. Yes. Well, I don't want to do this anymore. to make money. I want to make one more win enough to buy a house for the children because I'm way too old to be doing this.

Hence me getting fucking drilled into the dirt by this horse just a minute ago. And they're like, no. Like, I meant that's, they didn't ask the jockey's permission. He's the owner of the horse. He's in the hospital going, fuck yes. Sell it. It tried to kill me. If he came back later.

Yeah, I would say the same thing you are at the end that they were like, yeah, I'm so glad we didn't sell the horse. And he's like, what? What? We could have sold the horse? What did you say when they offered to buy the horse? We told her you can't sell someone's dream. My dream was to specifically sell that horse.

And I told you this. I don't get this at all. Like I could see making the case that like winning a horse, winning money with a horse is different than selling a horse. Like I'm not saying glorious victory has no value. But Jimmy was not an aspiring champion. He has been sad sack moping around all day. It's all he talks about.

It's all anyone talks about. Take the money. It's so fucking crazy. He doesn't want to do this. They couldn't because then the plot of the show wouldn't be horse race for orphans, which is the most 80s plot of any show I've ever heard. And they did not want to lose that. They still could still have it.

They just don't have the lady offered to buy the horse. Yeah. Lydia, I don't, at the time we're recording this, I don't think you've had enough time to listen to the other episodes, but that's the plot of all of the horse episodes. All of them. It's always horse race for orphans? And sometimes it's not for orphans, but it's always horse race for some sort of, some sort of like a life-saving dream.

It's horse racing for something instead of like breakdancing for the rec center. It's thought that's what the horse episode is about. They loved horse race. I don't know. The 80s were insane for this shit. There's got to be a horse episode where they save a breakdancing orphanage. I think we'll probably get to that. I mean, we're going to watch the McGiver one next.

Oh, yeah. McIver loves orphans. There's got to be orphans of that. McGiver will do that shit. So the Sucke-up motor lady takes off because the her she's been totally thwarted. And she goes to vent to the evil trainer boyfriend. And we find out that they used to fuck, but she doesn't, now she just wants to be friends. And then immediately after that, she explains she needs this horse because it's the sexiest goddamn horse she's ever seen.

I did take a clip of this. Brandtie Now you know how much I need you And maybe someday we'll get back What we once had But right now I need you as a friend And a trainer Kupla's fire's just

He's the sort of horse I used to dream of as a girl A stallion, a wild stallion with fire eyes He's the horse I've always wanted Were you way, way hornier Than it needed to be She mentions his eyes so much. It is a sexy horse. Fiery sexy horse eyes. I think it's crazy to talk about a horse

like that immediately after rejecting the guy that you used to like, you're entitled. You're entitled to reject any man you want, but this is like a recipe to get murdered by a guy. I feel you let him that easy. Like he leaves that conversation, not heartbroken, but just knowing that, oh, that girl is just, she fucks horses. She's just not into human men. See, I took it as like, I'll never compare to a horse. At the very least, you have to kill that horse now. Right? Yeah, okay. I mean, honor demands it.

Maybe I'm just an old-fashioned guy. I appreciate the way you're looking at it. Yeah, no, it's good. Yeah, you talk me into it. Let's kill that horse. As someone who hates horses, I will say that I support killing the horse. He doesn't get that, though. He gets immediately from this conversation, oh, okay, I have to kidnap that horse

if I'm ever going to get more of that crazy horse girl trim. I need that horse. So that's now his plane, even though she maybe didn't intend that. So we go back to Simon's house, which is also his toy laboratory that all governments want to steal and sometimes attack with foreign agents. The children are now living with him. And the evil department of social services guy, he comes over and he somehow has a problem with this too. He has a problem with the homeless jockey. giving kids to his crazy inventor friend who's constantly under attack.

Guy needs to relax. He has a permanent dwelling and that's like their only concern. So I don't know what the issue is. It does. It's airblood rules. It doesn't say can't be constantly attacked by ninjas. It doesn't say that. Does it count as a permanent dwelling if it has robot legs and can run away?

Because I think it probably does have robot legs. Yeah, we see that. We see that in an episode for sure. Maybe that was the problem. Yeah. So they want to take the kids back and put them in a foster home. And the older girl, she overhears this and runs off. But the living Nark, he comes in and he fast talks the guy.

And he says, like, okay, what made you come here? And the guy says, oh, just a hunch. And we don't explore that. That's a wild thing for a social services guy to say. But we don't even explore that. He's like, okay, well, what if you didn't have that hunch till Monday? And the guy's like, I guess that would work. You can fucking haggle?

You can haggle the social services? He's just like a real reasonable guy going above and beyond for his like child kidnapping duties. He's like, look. I guess this inventor who, hold on, I don't know his name. I guess he could keep the children. Sure. Yeah. Like the idea that social services would be like, sure, this eccentric billionaire can have two children for a weekend.

That's not really my problem. Why not? I think that would happen in real life, but I don't think it should. Yeah, I think that was probably happening. But I also like the idea that social services just so overstaffed. that their guys are like, dude, I got nothing on my docket. Like, I'm just, I got so much free time at my social services job. I'm going to go root around for some missing children.

Yeah, follow some hunches. Yeah. There's a scene here I really liked where Simon sneaks into the kid's bedroom and scares the kid. And they, boy, like, wakes up. And almost immediately is like, I do not like when people die. And then Simon's like, death isn't real. God, it keeps them in your heart. You don't need horse hospitals if you got mud and you don't need.

parents, if you have memories of parents. I'm not sure he's a genius, is my point. Which, oh my God, that explains that serial robot. He's a fucking idiot. He's a mega mom. He's like the holistic magamom. He's maha for sure. That's the vibe you get as the show goes on.

They really, they don't know how to handle like whimsical hope. And that's like his primary character trait. So he'll come up and just start talking about the light that beams with inside of you. You can change the world with light. You know, like, it doesn't, it doesn't come across as inspirational, especially if your whole life is inventing insane toys that could be used as weapons. You're like, all right. You're a crazy person.

By light, he means raw milk. He's like, you just fill yourself with raw milk, children. That's so insane that he's like a scientist who's like, you don't need doctors. He's RFK Jr. Yeah, he's RFK Jr. Indians had it figured out. He's a toy scientist. You put some spices in the mud.

That's what fucking medicine has never figured out. That's what it is. So Simon finds the girl in the basement. He tries to win her over with this speech about the whimsy of toys and joy in life. And she says, but that's not real. Real is when your parents are dead. And to the show's credit, they do cut to his face just like fucking just knocked back to the back of his head. Just like, holy shit.

It's so funny how bad he is. with kids. Like, like, he's clearly written to be good with kids with all of his, like, magical little wisdom. But it's also hollow and like, Katie's sad about everything. Like, she's about to get taken away from her brother and her uncle and her mom's dead. And Simon's like, check this out. And he turns on a toy train for like 18 inches of chew chew fun. Like it just, it goes like a foot and a half and then he stops it. He's like, yeah, how about that? Your mom's not dead anymore, right? It's just, okay. It's fucking crazy. It did take a little more than that. So he unlocks his secret toy laboratory, which he has in the, in the, he's went,

where he keeps the truly magical toys. And he shows her a magical jump rope that cannot be. They start like spinning the jump rope. She lets go of it and it keeps going. And then she's like, okay, all right, now my parents aren't dead. They were still dead for the choo-choo, but the jump rope not so dead anymore. So she's totally fixed. I have one note here.

This actress, this child actress, lied when the casting director asked if she could jump rope. This fucking must have taken 7,000 tries to get. I've never seen a child so bad at jumproping. Yeah, she was not graceful. But it was enough joy to fix the recent death of her parents and the loss impending loss of her brother and uncle. So the next day, the jockey comes out of the hospital to find out the horse has been kidnapped.

And we cut back to the stables. The stuck-up owner lady, she is initially furious with the evil trainer boyfriend because it turns out she was not hinting that he should kidnap the horse. Right. Supposedly. Yeah, she's acting like, we cut into the scene with her slapping him and being like, what the fuck were you thinking?

You can't kidnap a horse. I just wanted to have sex with the horse. I didn't want to. I took this as real. He's like, oh, I can take it back and she's like, well. Yeah, okay. He always to take it back. Hold on.

Let's think about this. That's when we get to the plan. And here is, if you've, listened to all the horse episodes, you're going to think I'm fucking with you. So I took a clip of the plan. Here is the plan. Here's what I want you to do. Darken his coat and cover the white blaze on his forehead. Then alter his lip tattoo carefully.

Put him with the other horses where he won't stand up. I had to leave the horse stinger in there. I had to leave it in there. It's the exact word for words step by step plan from Animal. They did it again. paint that horse. Paint specifically cover his marking, paint him a different color,

and alter his lip tattoo. All of the steps are exactly the same as the Manimal episode. Douglas Schwartz and Michael Burke, I love you. You hated to work. You hated to work so much. I can't believe you took the horse imposter.

You took the horse imposter plot almost word for word and put it in two shows. They're the best. And why doesn't she want to race him? Because you would assume, this character is so, poorly written because you would assume it seems kind of like she has this evil plan to steal the horse and race it because it's a fast horse, right? But then she keeps telling everyone, no, no, no,

I just love him. I just love his eyes. And it's like, okay, but that should be her weird excuse, but it's not. It seems to be genuinely she does just like it as a pet or something. Is that a pet? Is that how she likes it? I don't know. Marital aid, I guess is what you would put that in your police report. just wants to have sex with the horse. Like, it does. That's all she wants out of this. It's not, the plan is not to race the horse and win a bunch of money. She just wants to have the horse because he's so fucking sexy.

And she is like manipulating everyone and being very femme fatale. But there is no plan except for, I've decided, I've seen this horse and I just decided that I want it. And no guile. They immediately know who did it. They cut back to the base and they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that lady took the horse. And then the only decision they have is like, do we go to the cops? and they don't. They're going to do fucking wizard justice.

Yeah. So he sneaks into the horse palace, right? And he goes to find the horse, Simon, goes to find the horse and he pets the horse because he recognizes they have a psychic connection. He recognizes him no matter what he looks like. And he realizes they've painted the whole horse in horse blackface. The horse is doing blackface. No other way to put it.

It's not very tasteful. It's no other way to put it. It was the 80s. Times were different. So the trainer then, the, the, the, the, The plan was for Simon to sneak in and the live in dark because he's got something going on with the owner lady. He's come over to like distract the owner lady. But the evil trainer boyfriend spots the two of them making out.

And his jealousy gets them so much that he just runs in and punches him in the face. No scheming. It's just literally a running punch. Like, ah, he's got the punch cocked while he's running in going, ah! And then punches when he gets there. In addition to the running punches, confesses. He's like, oh, I'm punching you because we stole the horse. So he's like, well, yeah, I mean, I wasn't sure, but I mean, okay, yeah.

And the wizard is also watching too. So he's watching the makeout. He's watching me get punched and he's watching the confession. So now they knock them out and he's confessed to the live in dark. So now the lady's like, I don't know what we do. I guess we're going to have to kidnap him. So they kidnap the federal agent. Yeah.

Yeah, they kidnap a federal agent. Keep hold of a sexy horse. is the stakes. And the gang of cow poaks that they just have on this horse palace are completely on board with this. I think they have their own agenda. I did take a clip of what they say when they encounter, when they're told to take care of the federal agent who is now unconscious.

This is what the gang of cowpokes say. Make sure he doesn't get away. Understand? Take care of them. Don't worry. He ain't going anywhere. What'd he do? Well, maybe he didn't kiss him.

enough. What's that? We can fix that. Maybe he didn't kiss good enough. Yeah, we'll teach him. We'll teach him a little bit about it. I was just going to say, imagine you work at a horse barn and then your boss is like, by the way, I did kidnap someone.

A federal agent. Yeah. Keep an eye on him. They're like, okay. It's pretty serious. Well, I have sex with this horse. What I loved so much here is that here they are in the process of getting the horse back. cuts back to Jimmy, Leslie Jordan, and like I say, he's a total bummer.

And he's back at the racetrack going, oh, they're never going to find the horse. It's like they're literally finding him right. It's been 10 minutes. And he's already complaining they haven't found the horse. It's this guy such a fucking bummer. Anyway, you hear, you hear the cowpokes at the end of that clip go, what's that as a buzzing comes in? And, uh, and Sean was right. It's a crowd of calming robot bees.

Uh, no, it's Simon, Simon, the little person toy machine. has seen all of this, and he's had a duffel bag with him the whole time because he knows. He's known from the start. He would need a remote control helicopter controlled purely by the power of imagination. Fucking, I love Mind Hat. He is straight up controlling it with a Mind Hat. Now, you think I'm exaggerating because it's got a little psychic helmet on. He's got a huge, it's a huge psychic helmet with giant bunny ears, and he has to, his, his acting as he controls it,

is to shuffle back and forth like he's doing a hammer dance. It's fucking insane. The whole time that he's doing it is insane. But in a previous episode, he did specifically explain this helicopter is powered by your imagination. And the more you imagine, the better the helicopter performs. Oh, my God. That's so beautiful. So it's like controlled by your brainwaves or something, but that's way less possible.

Nope. You have to. It's powered by it's coward literally powerful. by whimsy. It's powered by whimsy. I also laughed way too hard when the bodyguard guy is like every time you bring that bag out, you cause problems or something. And then he opens a bag and there's exactly one thing in it.

I thought it was to be like a big bag of tricks. It's just the helicopter. It's just a fucking helicopter powered by whimsy. Now the cowpokes are completely fucking helpless against tiny helicopters powered by wincy. They have no idea what to do. It starts harassing them and they're already panicking. And that's before it starts blowing bubbles, which they have never established on the show before, and will not until after this scene is over.

So as you, the audience are watching it, you see a big tough cowpoke panicking at the sight of a helicopter. Then it blows a bubble. It pops in front of him. He makes a little noise, and then he passes the fuck out. I did take a clip of the noise that he made. One more time. Oh! The best.

It's a hardened cow poke being knocked out by a whimsy from a bubble from a whimsy copter. It is the best. I also, I need you to realize that he has this bag with a remote control helicopter and this insanely potent chemical weapon in it. And when he's coming into the farm, he throws it over the fence, like just carelessly, just like tosses it. It smashes onto the ground. Could have killed all those horses. I don't know. Go to just gas all those.

horses to death. So finally another, like the head of the cowpokes. He spot the head of the kissing cowpokes specifically. That's what they call themselves. He spots Simon over there doing his little shuffle dance in his giant mind hat. And he decides to murder him with a pitchfork. Yeah, dude, I would too. There's a fucking little guy in a Martian helmet on your farm.

You fucking kill that guy with a pitch fork. And such an escalation. I don't even know if he knew he had anything to do with the helicopter. He just saw this thing from space and he's like, no. Nope. Not on my. Now, it does work because Simon sees the cowport coming ahead and with a pitchfork and all of his imagination drains out of the helicopter and it crashes to the ground because presumably

the only thing he can imagine right now is being murdered with a pitchfork. And the helicopter's like, uh, that's not that's not going to do it. That's not fuel. That doesn't work for me. Uh, so the living narc wakes up. He jumps in and knocks them all out and he saves Simon. Now they have to get to the racetrack in time with the horse because they have the horse. But the narc in the scuffle, he lost the keys in this haystack.

Oh, there's no way to solve this. No way to solve this unless. Unless Simon kept the broken serial robot on him this entire time. Okay, here's my theory about this. For somehow, they invented, they like wrote this scene first. And then they were like, what could it be a toy for? And all they could come up with is like stealing toys out of cereal. Like, that's the only other thing this could possibly do.

Yeah, that's like finding a needle in a haystack. Sure. It's the most forced toy genius gadget and callback in television history. This is like a monument to long walks. Like the second this happened, I'm like, oh, fuck, this sucks so hard. He kept it on him the whole time just for this. and like it is not if you're picturing like like a like a thumbnail size spider no no no this is like this is like a foot long by eight inch wide of spider robot like it barely fit in that in that serial box uh and he carried it with him the whole time in his in the inside pocket of his vest uh just just us waiting for this it's a third of his mess and he lets it go of course it finds the keys to rublet like oh there's no such thing is a bad invention. Yes, there is. This is it. It's a bad invention. It's good if you have lost your keys

in a haystack, but I don't know how often that's going to. It also specifically proves that the robot did not target either serial or prizes. It just finds whatever's valuable in a mass. So yes, it would devour and tear apart the children if they had like a watch. Yeah. Or something. Like, well, I must get watch and then blood, just blood and screaming. I can just see the information. commercial for this thing and it would be great. Like, are you constantly dropping your keys into a big haystack? Does your child have too many kidneys? So they find the keys.

They drive up to the racetrack with Kubla just in time for the big race and the kids get all excited and they go, you are the wizard. You knew he was the wizard. You said he was the wizard. There was never a doubt. And Simon says, like, completely, I think this might have been improv because it makes no fucking sense. He says, we're all the wizard.

We just don't know. It was so weird. What the fuck does that mean? Potentially in this scenario. Like no, literally you're the wizard though, right? Literally. Yeah, but that's your name, right? Yeah.

That's one of those things you say when somebody like takes you by surprise in a social situation. You say something and they're like, oh, my brain wasn't turned on yet. Hold on. We're all the wizard. We just don't know it. No, no. Why'd I say that? My parents are dead.

No, they're not. They're the wizard. What? No, you see. Your parents are the wizard. wizard now. For the wizard. So they get to the racetrack, and the live in Narc does one of my favorite things in a show.

Like, you think there's going to be some sort of, some sort of machination as to how to undo this scheme. No, he runs up from the second story and does a two-story flying dive tackle before even saying the evil horse trainer boyfriend's name. The horse trainer boyfriend looks up to see him descending from the sky with like a fist ready to go. And it's just like, fuck what? And unconscious. There's a scene here. where the sidekick guy sits down next to the horse lady and glares at her.

Like, she just went to the track like it was any other day. Her entire staff is being booked right now for horse crimes, kidnapping a federal agent. And she's implicated at all of it. And she's just like, you know what? I'm just going to head to the track, have a nice lunch. Do some toasts. This is time for the big race. You killed him with a flying, killed that man with a flying dive tackle.

Let's be real. Yeah. It was awesome. And now you got to win the big race So you can keep your kids But uh oh your horses in black face Not a problem in the 80s They don't even acknowledge that it's a different horse

The race starts And the race starts I wrote this down Because a bearded little gnome dressed like a nutcracker Blows a horse horn? Is that for real? Is that how every horse race starts? I think only you saw that I've never seen a horse race

Yeah I don't remember that either That was one of the craziest fucking things I ever saw No everything was all normal on my TV All right, all right, I'm just having brain problems That's okay We all knew this day would come I'm prepared for it So the horses start running

The live in Narke, he sits down across From the stuck up owner lady And she's already knows it's all over And she's like, no, no, no, just let me watch It's point break. They're doing a Johnny Utah and Boady scene And she's like, okay, you're gonna arrest me But let me watch this sexy horse run

Watch those loins come in Yeah, that's all she wants And she's rooting for the horse now, even though her horse is going to lose to him. She's like, yeah, it was just so hot to watch him run. And now she's kind of happy to go to jail. That's sort of how they wrap up. The jockey can buy a house for the kids now. The evil owner lady is going to go to prison for horse counterfeiting,

which based on this series, we know, is a really crowded cell block full of horse counterfeiting. Just. And they take a... They take a photo in the winner's circle and we freeze frame on that. And that's how this fucking madness ends. I can't believe he didn't take a clip of, towards the end, they're watching the race and the wizard goes,

are you as nervous as I am, Timmy? And look at the place Timmy, I swear to God, is just like not paying attention to him. And he goes, no. No. Like totally flat. No, I mean, there's no response for that.

No, like, oh, I guess I'm going to worry for the both of us. No button on that. Just no. Yeah, it just cuts away. I think the most 80s thing about the whole thing is at the very, very end of the broadcast to share this. Can you stop? Can you stop? Yeah, you got it a clip.

Stay tuned as a new look in designer jeans creates a fashion frenzy. Jack Warden and Ryan O'Neill's star in So Fine. Next. Short skirts. Is the fashion industry hiking hemlines to hike profits? Aaron Moriarty with the story tomorrow on the CBS Morning News. on the news on the CBS morning news Should women be allowed to dress like sluts

Now that you've seen what horse sluts are like And the danger they present to society What if they had mini skirts instead of their weird little outfits We'd be helpless before them What a fucking insane 80s way to end a show I would like to end this podcast with With my favorite part of this episode H'Ans900 Frank first

Please welcome to the 1,900 Hot Dog Stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight, the insult comic with class Lord Jimathan Jigglesworth. Thank you, thank you. That's quite enough, though, I should say, flattery, we'll get you everywhere. Oh, what a supreme audience we have tonight. I recognize a lot of faces, though they might not like me saying that.

Oh, I see Aaron Crosston here. A peacock in everything but beauty. Oh, Adrian H. I see Adrian H here, Alex Nolenberg, Alpha Scientist Java, An Andy, Armando Navar, Autumn Armstrong Berg. Oh, I see Brandon Garlock. He has one of those fine bureaucratic faces that once seen are never remembered uh-ho brian sailor brockway famously loves the meat milly a little too much if you know what i mean cyril christopher worthin i am told porkpacking is the most valued profession in america tell your mother i said thank you for your service oh oh oh i'm so naughty common sense i see craig lemoyne dan b david shell popularity is

the only insult that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. Oh, oh, a Delta Fox Trot. I see Devin the Rogue Supreme here. I see Dusty's rad title and Elizabeth Schope. Elliot Watson is said that he can talk brilliantly upon any subject, provided that he knows nothing about it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Eric Christian Berg is here. fancy shark jello ho good satan and his hot witches i see you there gregg cunningham

greg cunningham is an excellent man he has no enemies and none of his friends like him oh oh i slay i truly do uh haraka harvey penguini honk i have here i want i want brockway to say dyke which i'm allowed to do because this accent might be dutch or something You don't know. Jabar Al Aden, James Boyd, Jared Clack, Jared Mountain Man, it's the perfect man. Always dull and usually violent. Oh, Jared Ruiz, John Deeb, John McCabin, John Minkoff,

a lot of John's here tonight. You know what I'm saying. Josh Quicksall, it is said some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go. Eh, but no really. Go fuck yourself, Josh Quicksall. You know what you did. Joshua Graves. Justin B.

Katie Favelle reminds one of a badly bound hymn book. Give her a few minutes, folks. She'll get it. Ken Paisley. K&M. I see KVH. I see Elaine Haygood here. Lisa. Oh, she seems like a good citizen. Or a faithful wife. Or something else equally tedious. Oh! M. Jahi Chappelle.

Mark Mahoney, Matt Riley, Max Broyd. I see mercenary Sissidman here, Michael Lair. Mickey Lohman, oh Mickey Lohman, such keen student, always ready to give his betters the full benefits of his inexperience. Oh-hoo! Mort, Mr. Bob Gray, N. D. Neil Bailey, Neil, they say there is no sin,

except stupidity, so tell the devil I said, Hello! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh fuck you Neil Bailey Neil Schaefer Naku Neku-104 Niclavino obsolete Ogiwan Supreme is like the best art all style unpolluted by sincerity Oh-ho I'm told one ball in has been received in all the great houses or once I kid I'm actually like one ball in

Henri Weevil, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Herbst. I see Peewey's uncle here with Rebrandrew and Red Wine Time. Rianin. Hello, Rihannan. Russell Bauman. Oh, Russell, Bauman, everybody. You seem the kind of person who's brilliant at breakfast. No, don't get that one?

Go team up with Katie Faville. Maybe you two can figure yours out together. Sam Koppnik, Sarkovsky. Sean Chase, Seed. Space Jam fan, I may not agree with you, but I shall defend to the death. Your right to be a dipshit. Spotty reception, supernot, day to stays, 10H. Thomas, Thomas is such a good friend, he will always stab you in the front air.

Thomas Cavatzos, Timi Leahy, Toasty Gun. I see Tommy G here. Velo. Velo is the kind of person who deprives one of solitude without providing one with company. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that one was bad. Victor Malavankan, Booster, Whalen Russell. I see a Von Klappam here. Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language.

As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm. And as a weener, he is everything but plump. Oh, ha, ha, ho! I kid, of course. Thank you, thank you all. I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths calls wrinkles. Oh, no, but seriously, folks, truth is everything. Stay true.

One must always strive to be true to what they are, even if what they are is a nasty little cunt. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!