The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 285, Horse Theme 9000: MacGyver with Dennard Dayle

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

MacGuyver; famous for taking a chewed wad of Fruit Stripe gum, nine hair ties and a pineapple to construct a robot prom date for your mother. But can he whip together a batch of real-life ethnics and nerds? You'll have to witness copious amounts of horse sex along with Dennard Dayle, Seanbaby and Robert Brockway to find out... right here on the HORSEDOGG!

to the Horse Zone, Horse Thousand, the official horse cast of 1,900 Horse Dog, America's Horse Comedy, Web Horse. Whoops, too much horse stuff. I've lost control of my life again. I'm Robert Brockway, and I'm a proud, disabled racehorse in my prime, and with me is the man holding the writing crop

that makes me obey. It's Sean, baby. Clop, clop, clop, that's three sugar cubes. Aw, I'll do... I'll do anything. I'll do anything for three sugar cubes Our guest today Don't clip that

Somebody's gonna clip that Don't clip that Don't clip that Our guest today It's a tan white man Pretending to be three different ethnicities It's De Nardale Hello everyone

And you should know that I am in fact A corrupt horse promoter That is the third horse character There are only three horse characters In horse plots And that's my role in this world Because I talk third Only possible

You can't You can't have more than that. You got evil horse bitch. You got like plucky best friend horse trainer we've never mentioned before. And evil horse training possibly boyfriend. I already called weirdly clever horse. I guess the horse counts. Sure.

Oh no, that means I'm McGiver. I'm going to get canceled for this. So when the inaugural like horse-themed sort of heated rivalry knockoff comes off, who do they turn so that they could have some kind of like semi-wholesome thing of the main character? Or no, no, no. They have to date the evil horse bitch or the evil horse bitch. or the evil horse promoter. That's the only choice. Or the horse. They date the horse.

Or the horse. Yeah. I mean, pretty much only going to date the horse. Yeah. Nothing but five-star reviews for that choice. We're not always a horse podcast, but today, today we are. We're doing a mini-series called The Horse Episode, which is just about all of the bizarrely similar and very strange horse episodes that 70s and 80s television did.

All of the shows did them. They're all fucking super weird in a very similar way. And we are getting towards the end of the trough, if you will. You probably shouldn't. That's okay. It's okay. You don't have to. Before we get to all of that, where can people find more from you to Nard?

Okay, so the paperback of my book, How to Dodge a Cannonball just came out. If you are in the New York area, there is a 50% chance I wrote something dumb inside your copy, so enjoy that. extra. And because of the explosive charge in the back of my skull, it's not like Brockway jail, but a little more scanners, I have to say that twice, that the paperback of how to dodge a cannon ball just came out. And if you... Oh, you got the, you have to say it twice plug in your contract. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I've got the echo clause in there. I went to Powell's the other day, just moved back to Portland, and I went and found my own book. Of course, they have me in a lovely spot right up front.

I was like, wow. Right up front. And then I turned around and they have you right across from me. Like we're star-crossed lovers staring across the aisle, our books. Wow. You're like my green light across the water there. Yeah. It's romantic. It was lovely. Sean, where can people find more from you?

Is there even such a place? Go to the website, 1,900 hotdog.com or our Patreon. Patreon, Patreon, I have a chip in my brain where if I say it wrong, my head will explode. So I have about 45 minutes to live. We'll try to make it a quick podcast. I, of course, am no longer, unlike to know. are legally obligated to promote my new book. They've turned off my skull explosive.

And now it just, uh, now it just makes me say racist things, uh, about vaccines, uh, which is a, which is the normal thing that it's supposed to do. Pretty American. Oh, we're finally going to mainstream. Yeah. Yeah.

This is going to be, uh, this is going to be a very popular podcast. Uh, my publishers, in fact, have asked me to stop promoting the book, uh, especially on podcasts about sexy horses and the evil bitches who write them into the dirt. Uh, so I'm here to promote my book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200.

And the evil bitches who ride them into the dirt. There you go. It's about sexy horses and evil bitches riding them into the dirt. That's what the book's about. If you love, were the horse is evil and the bitch is sexy? I forget. Either way. Either way.

We got them all in there. You're going to love the book and you're going to really love later suing my publisher for marketing fraud if you buy my book because I said that. And, you know, whether you are riding a horse into the dirt, or you're being ridden into the dirt, I think it's a book for you. Buy a horse? I mean, yeah. That's a variant.

It's a romance between the evil writer and a normal horse. And they learn to rate each other. We're pinning it down much like that horse is going to do. 40 pound penis first. Jimmy, you can cut that one. Yep. We're cutting all this. I'll take it from the top.

No way. I'm about to finish. 1,900 horse dog. No, let's get to the... Clop, clop, clop, clop. Clop, clop. I'll do anything for three sugar cubes. No, I had a chance.

I had a chance to cut that. God, it was so wholesome. I just ran headfirst into the limits of my ability because there was a spot where I thought a kind of whinnying sound would be funny. And I looked at it to just the depths of my performance ability. I just knew it was not fucking happening.

There is no Dean Bradley Baker in me. That was going to sell that joke as anything other than me joking on the other end or something. If you would have said it right out, after penis, I think it would have landed. Yeah. We're doing the sugar cubes. Yeah, there's a lot of spots for it.

Yeah. You had good instincts. So, yeah, we're doing the horse episode. Today, we're doing McGiver. We've learned a few things doing these horse episodes. We've learned, I think we talked about a little earlier. There's really only, like, three main characters, and that's kind of a, not always evil, but certainly like a stuck-up horse bitch that has to, like, learn a little bit of a

lesson. Yep. I'm not sure who that is. Maybe it's MacGyver in this one. No, it's clearly. It's clearly Linda Blair. Yeah. You got to have an evil, like, rival horse owner or trainer. And then you, of course, have your main character whose best friends with somebody involved in the horse plot.

And then the strangely sexy, in this case, disabled horse hunk at the center of it all. So we're talking about McGiver Jenny's Chance is the name of the episode. and I was really excited to revisit this because MacGyver was one of my favorite shows. It was entropic in ways I was not expecting. Yes. This is what I'm finding is the case with McGiver. I remember McGiver being one of the more like,

well, surely that's going to stand the test of time, right? Like, that's such a wholesome show. Yeah, that's not true. I've revisited two episodes and in both of them, McGiver has done some sort of browner, Blackface. Yeah, he's doing a tour of the faces, I think. I don't remember him being a master of disguise and all of those disguises being offensive. But that's a lot of the show. I wrote about one for

the site, and he went to South America to fight ants, and they were real casual with the racism. Like, he went to like a, like a Cocoa plantation, and we watched so many, like, faceless little fellows die from ant attack. Like, they were nothing. I kind of remember that episode. Yeah, I'm like, I'm very not, my guy was not holding up on the rewatch, which I was so, so sure he would. Jenny's chance, it starts, the start of this episode, I got to say, is one of the favorite starts to any episode I've ever seen. It starts so strong. Like, right away, we're thrown backstage at the horse palace. I'm sure there's another word for that. We haven't come up with it. Yeah. There's a, there's a jockey, a trainer, it doesn't matter, a horse elf.

He's like the horse elf of some kind. And he's, he is standing up to his corrupt partners. and he's saying he refuses to rig any more horse races. And he tells his partners, I'm going to call the police. So they immediately throw him in a horse cage. Probably word for that. Throw him in a horse cage. And they activate the premise of this episode, which is an ultrasonic device that causes all horses to kill.

It is. Yep. I knew exactly. It's a little tube. They pull it out. And I'm like, oh, that's a horse kill tube. 100%. It's so wonderful.

I want that to be a Nobel Prize for horse-specific inventions so that the horse kill whistle can get its due. Yeah, it's an underutilized device. It's an opposite of a peace prize. All of them are for making horses kill. Yes, the horse wore fries. That it is. So the horse, they turn it on when the jockey, they throw the jockey in the cage, the little horse elf in the cage. The horse flips out and kills its elf, which is like number one rule in horse law.

You can't do that. You call him an elf. This was like a five foot ten man. Like he was a very normal sized man. He doesn't look normal size to me. Okay. Are you sure that wasn't a horse elf? I think that was the dialogue I was like made a note that, okay, he's like a jockey.

He's talking about riding the horse, but I'm like, this is a full-sized man. Like, he must be a tibur of a jockey. He's like 170 pounds. I just went along with it. They said he was, they said he was an elf and I was like, yeah. So it's hard to scale his size because they have the greatest effect I have seen in a while. which is the detached hoof, which is something on a stick, flying on screen and clocking him in the head.

Just getting full horse conned. Probably a real horse foot. That's the 80s. They didn't have any rules. Somebody says, hey, can I have a real horse foot? And they're like, yeah, sure. Just hand me a handgun and I'll go take care of that, boss. Yeah, these horses, they die like nothing, man.

Here's one from the third Rambo movie. We lost a lot to that minefield, man. It was crazy. They did lose a lot of horses. A lot of those horses did not get back up. But it just clocked him. It makes me smile a lot, that bit of footage. That was somebody's career was, I, what do I do? Well, I have a collection of animal hoofs on a stick. And I reach in off screen and I paw at the hero of all of these action hour shows.

Yeah, it's made me $17 million. My family's set for generations. I'm a film editor. The foot, the foot thing's just a side hobby. So the horse kills itself and the partners flee and the horse, the horse elf's daughter, who is one of the main. characters. This is the stuck-up horse bitch. Her name's Jenny of Jenny's chance. She is played by Linda Blair, who runs in to find him dead. Dad! Is that the fastest horse bitch humbling we've seen so far? Just walks on screen, dead father, immediately punished for her horse talent. Yeah. Yes, for lusting after a horse instead of a man, this is what you get. You get a dead, you get a dead horse elf father. And I don't want to pile on here, but if you remember the

announcer from the Wildest West Show of the Stars. Linda Blair, he very specifically made it clear. She is not very pretty. Just if you remember, every other performer there was very pretty except Linda Blair. And I checked. I double checked. Linda Blair, good personality. Brutal.

Big feet. Fine actress. As you said, I just wanted everyone to know what you're dealing with, with the, oh, dear God, right off the bat. It really sets a tone for the acting that she's going to deploy. It is really impressive how dense in lunacy the first, I want to say like four minutes of this episode are. Yeah, it's under three minutes, including the theme song, including the theme song, under three minutes to get the device that makes all horses, horses kill their elves.

This is just how we lived our lives in 1980s TV. We kept it moving. And this is like the most prime example of that. It's so fast. You're just like, fuck, I'm in. We're all the way in. in fact, if anything, I argue that this show went on too high of a gear. I feel like they burn through basically like four full shows worth of stuff in the first 20 minutes.

And like all the other horse episodes we watched like Knight Rider, basically the hero comes in and solves the mystery instantly. Like they're like, what the fuck is this thing in the hay? Oh, okay, I know what this is. This is a horse kill tube. It is kind of crazy to have the whole thing just structured like your standard mystery episode. And I thought it was McGiver. I guess it's more of a horse thing.

But he just slam dunks it in the first 10 seconds. Well, first you see the crime, then he solves it immediately. Then someone else says, you are right. I do not need to be convinced. Let's go. And then it's just a matter of proving that the bad guy did it. Yeah, we need to at least introduce the characters. There's McGiver and he's flying into the show with Dullter.

who is like a recurring character on a guy where he's like an anti-hero rogue he's the rogue he's time copse bruce mcgill yeah he's uh he's uh he's uh kind of a sexy little pork salad and a mustache he's always got the old-timey aviator gear he's he's constantly running like little scams he's very like he's very very hot on this and he's coming they're coming into land he's been a middle-aged cop for like six decades he was born middle-aged cop is what bruce mcgill but now now he's middle-aged rogue. Yes. He has the look and behavior of someone who stopped being sober exactly 10 minutes ago.

Yeah, he's drunk as shit the whole time. Whether that's probably part of his character, maybe he's just that much of a pro. So they're flying in, they're flying into land at Dalton's smuggling headquarters hangar. McGuiver is already pissed off as soon as they open the door because Dalton had tricked him into a week-long pottery scam grifting tourists at every major tourist spot in South America. And like, I bring that out because I love that all of this is another thing, all of these old episodes do, whereas they feel the need to start the horse episode with another episode that just happened off screen that we never get to see. And that would have made a way better episode than this. McGaver's whole day is like this.

I would have been enraptured by the pottery scam from frame to frame. Yeah, and then they get into trouble. They find out one of the gods is real and then they has to do like a Scooby-Doo thing or something. Like, yeah, all the way in. Yeah, and you can like learn. learned about like a new local ethnicity when it's put on that phase to infiltrate the pottery group.

Yeah. There's so many ethnicities to be. You can be every time. Yeah. It had a whole act structure too. Like they had to dump the cargo. Like after all their adventuring, something happened where they had to dump the cargo to survive.

And now they have an argument about that. Like, they lived an entire movie in a six second story. A much better movie. A much better. And then the fact that they're about to do a weird ass horse episode, you're like, but you, if you would just wrote that, you would have had it. I feel like we've said that about they've done that with every one of these.

They have somebody coming in being like, oh, my God, the adventures we've just had, you wouldn't believe. Anyway, down to horse business. Yeah, this is some horse scheming. That sounds fun too. It almost feels like someone else in the writer's room was like fighting the horse. Like they're saying, we're better than this. We have our own ideas, guys.

Come on. Guys, walk with me here. I don't understand the need for a horse episode. I got it, guys. I got it. Cross it all out. McGiver Centaur. Put it off board.

Ride it up. All right. If he had to build himself into a horse, like that's his gadget, he has to build himself into a centaur form. Box a cereal and an egg beater.

You got to become a horse, McGiver. It's the only way to stop the bomb. That's fucking stupid. So they come in to the hangar, they check their messages and they find that Linda Blair, Jenny, the horse elf's daughter,

leaving a message that her dad is dead. And they also, this is another like standard for all the horse episodes. They happen to be best friends with the jockey, the trainer, the horse elf. They're always best friends with the horse elf but have never mentioned it before. So they drop everything to run off to help. And Linda Blair tells them she needs some, she needs McGiver's like genius eyes on something. So they head out to the horse palace to go investigate where Linda Blair tells them.

The instant horse friendship thing that you just mentioned has a real gas leak feeling to it. Because it's just way too specific to make it have been a continuous part of their lives. Yeah, we've always been best friends with this jockey. And it's not like, in every one of these episodes, it's not like, oh, well, this is somebody we used to know a long time ago. They make it a point in every one of them to be like, this is the best friend I have on Earth. I will drop everything right now. I don't give a shit of Dalton. I'll piss in his mouth.

I don't care about it. I don't care. It's the horse jockey that I've never mentioned before. and Dalton's like, yeah, yeah, me too. I hate you, McGiver, but that horse jockey, we're going to be on the same page. Magyver, I would shoot you to feed one of these horses. I need you to understand that. So they drop everything.

They run out there. Linda Blair tells them that her dad, the horse elf, took money from a lone shark kind of guy named George Henderson. He's going to repossess the family farm tomorrow 24 hour kicking clock, unless they can find a way to stop him because her dad had been 15. fixing races for Henderson, the gangster, and he confronted him about it. Or no, she confronted him about it, sorry. And she says he started crying, which I've never seen him cry, not even when mom died. Right.

It was pretty magical. You could tell she didn't get along of her father because she didn't call McGuiver two blackmailings ago. Her federally backed everything agent friend. She just looks at her father and says, you know what, you could stand to learn a little. I'm going to let this roll for just a while, until you get the message here. Maybe somebody's going to get a very special episode. I think she's trying to cash in her inheritance here.

I just love that she points out, I confronted my dad about fixing the horse races and I've never seen him cry, not even when mom died. He loves horse honor. He loves horse honor more than your mother? Who does it? It's not a great setup to a character. McGiver uses his nerd eyes, his magical elf eyes to assess the crime scene, and he discovers that one horse, Jenny's chance, didn't go murder crazy because he is deaf. And they immediately go and find what they call a micro speaker. And they connect it all back together and instantly all of the horses enter kill mode except for Jenny's chance.

And now they've got it. They figured out all of the mystery. This is like 10 minutes. I learned what the opposite of a crime drama is from that scene, like the opposite of mystery. Yeah. Yep. Like that was the episode. It was just fucking dumb.

Who fucked up here? I also want to point out that, you know, everyone knows McGiver for his gadgets. He's always solving problems with cute little solutions. Him wiring two speaker wires together is the only thing he does the whole episode. Spoiler alert for the rest of this horse episode, McGuire does no McGiver shit for the rest of the runtime. Yeah, no devices. However, they do have a device that makes horses kill. I feel like that's cool enough that it takes over.

Like, that's the device. They're just very excited about this device and describing fake crime networks. Just whatever you think McGiver is, it's done. Like, if you think it's a murder mystery show, he already did that. If you think it's a gadget show, this is the one. He fucking threaded two wires together. That's it. This was the 45-minute reveal, and then they call the cops and they arrest them because they've proven it.

Like, this is the whole, this is a whole episode. It's 10 minutes. They're done. You know what it weirdly reminds me of, like, when there would be a backup feature in the back of a comic book and like, hey, could you have Joan Hex do his whole thing in two pages? It's like, well, two pages meets he's going to walk into a room, shoot a guy and leave. It's not really a story. Like, great. Then he throws him a fruit pie.

Okay, so we're in the fruit pie zone. Yeah, this is fruit. Yeah. If McGiver then tossed, tossed out fruit pies to all of the children being murdered by the horses that he just set off. Or at least their next of kin, like, here's your memorial fruit pie, has your kid's face on it. I calculated that your kid would be the one killed by this horse when I set off my device. You're fucking welcome. They're filled with spiders, McGuiver.

That's right, kid. Horses won't eat spiders. Fill yourself with the spiders. The end. Perfect. As a promotion for hostess's new spider pies? Inventured LLM will tell their marketing department that that's a good idea. So I'm looking forward to

glitch cuisine and spider pies might be one of them. Taste the legs. I don't know. Working out catchphrase. Okay, okay. So the episode having been solved like somebody fucked up. I don't know if like maybe Richard Dean Anderson was in there

just winging it like yeah, yeah, they get it. I'm just going to connect the horse speaker and the writers are like, fuck, what? What the hell is this now? I don't know what to do now. So McGuiver Lees, he goes to The Phoenix Foundation, which is like his job. It's like a freelance charity invention vigilante factory.

So as far as I could tell, the Phoenix Foundation is at the same time, the mystery machine, the FBI, and the Illuminati. It's a little CIA, too, because they do frequently destabilize foreign governments. They're doing some coups. They're doing a little coup stuff. Just a little coup on the side. So they tell, they tell McGuiver, they tell McGuiver that, Henderson is actually, the horse thing is actually not even the point.

He's actually laundering money for a Colombian drug lord named Lucky Charlie. And that's not even the point. The point is they never meet a person, so they're smuggling money without ever meeting somehow and then laundering it through there. And just, ooh, we're putting on hats. We're putting on so many nice hats. They all look good. I don't want to take any off.

At first, I thought they were trying to sprint maybe out of. of the horse hole. Like, they felt they dug themselves into a horse corner. You can't escape horse. But then they just sort of leap enthusiastically back into the horse bedding, fixing thing. It's like a tug of war in the heart of this. Right. It's amazing that all of these just could have been an episode.

Like any one of these could have been an episode, and they're just linking them all together. Yeah, you could have had eight bad episodes rather than one insane one. Yeah, the density is really there. It's a rainbow coalition of madness. I was saying this earlier to Brockway that also it kind of, feels like nothing happens. Like it's, like, it opens with all that frantic activity. And then it just kind of like, all right, I guess I don't, pretty much everything that happens for the rest of the episode is like, I don't think you had to do it this way. I feel like you could have saved a lot of

steps if you hadn't done it this weird, stupid way. The whole crazy thing of this episode is that from the moment that they solve this horse crime, they're fucked. Like, there's nothing they can do that doesn't end in jail. Well, do you, Mr. Henderson is clearly not, is clearly not suited out for like the Tony Montana business, you know? He does have a device that makes all horses kill. Like, I don't know. Like, Silver Age, Lex Luthor could have fucking taken over the world with that. Or he would have tried.

I think if you told like the racing commission and the cops, like this guy's got a tube that makes horses go kill crazy. And then the next race, they go kill crazy, except for the horse owned by the crime guy you said had the horse tube. They've got a lead suspect and motive end. There's no like, oh God, what are we going to do next? It's like, no, just tell the people in charge of arresting him that this happened. And you got him.

McGivers got a better idea. Did you happen to record Charlie's voice on that wiretap? Yeah, sure. Why? Well, you want lucky Charlie and your money back, and we want proof that Henderson killed Kyle. Do you have a plan, Mac? Where do we start? Voice lessons, Jack. My first thought, best thought, was McGiver's going to do a ventrilo. with something. Like he's going to build puppet.

No. What he actually meant was we're all going to do accent work for the rest of this. The foghorn leghorn thing hits me like a ton of bricks. I lose all the air in my lungs very quickly, just laughing at that. So Pete McGiver's boss is going to do foghorn leghorn, right? McGiver himself is going to do nerd. He's apparently, this is one of the big revelations for me. McGiver apparently was not a nerd this whole time. Giver was hiding like a Super Sane 2 nerd form in himself.

Yeah. His boss is Dana Elkar. You know, he's a great character actor. And then, of course, Linda Blair, who's kind of just got one mode to her acting. Also, Jamie cut this for sure. But like, Dana Elkar is Spanish for Danny the car. But then, Richard Dean Anderson, McGever's choice for acting here is to act like a bad actor. Whenever he goes undercover, he's like, a derp.

And you can't like say lines right. Whereas everyone else acts exactly the same like they're playing to the back of the theater, just huge big, you know, professional acting choices. And that's, I think, what I like about the rest of the scenes is when everyone's undercover, McGiver's the only one kind of botching it. It is pretty golden. So now that they're all putting on accents, that's what he meant by like, how do you feel about voice lessons?

Let's all do funny accents on this one. I'm getting bored. It's like season five. I don't want to do this anymore. Let's go out. Let's fuck around with it a little bit. So Pete, Pete heads out doing his foghorn leghorn, pretending to want to buy Jenny's chance from the evil partners. And he leaves his contact info with them because they turn him down.

And he says, well, if you need me, I'll be at the diner for the next 24 hours. I'm a mayor not to be traveled with. I'm Joe Paz for 24 hours straight. He's just going to live at the diner for the day? Is that what we? I don't really remember. Is that what we did before cell phones? You'd just be like, oh, I'm going to be at that diner.

I'll be at the hot dog eating contest, saw. Yeah, I guess there's just an IV drip of bacon omelets being fed to him for 24-hour periods, just in the diner as life passes him by. It's interesting choice, and this whole dialogue stretch opens up with him saying, so we have all the evidence. We need to put them away, for life, on tape. Warrants me nothing on this show. Yep.

So let's do this. They're straight goofing. They've solved it. It's done. They've got everything they possibly needed. The rest of this episode is just fucking around with it. And as we'll see, it truly is. Like, I'm not exaggerating. We will eventually find out they're just fucking around. So they bring him to the diner, right? Like the bad guys are like, we got to go to that diner and check this guy out. And they drive up, they see him. Every single person in the diner is a fucking agent of either Phoenix or FBI. They're doing like a full reverse to the state. it's an undercover operation beyond any reason. This is like 50 task force came together to get this guy that he just have a million things on already. And it's not even over. They have a full diner upstairs. People just like, if you listen to the background patter,

their FBI agents being like, I'm never going to get the bacon. What do you think about the bacon? They're back there's cooking. They're out front eating. The whole place is FBI agents. They have a whole Truman show thing going for this one guy, rigging horse race.

aside from the other MOOC that he's murdered, I don't know if he's really hurting anyone that much with this. This is more effort than they put into people like, you know, trading suitcase nukes at this point. So I'm fascinated. This operation, this operation costs $900 million to the taxpayer every day. Jamie, you can probably cut this, but like what even is the life expectation on one of those poor selves? They got those tiny little hearts. Those can't pump a lot of blood for long. I'm just saying, like, those horses.

want to kill him in the best of scenarios and he's actually carrying around a horse kilt yeah he'd already lived through two christmases you know just just let him go of dignity give him his horse elf funeral you don't need to fully zero dark 30 investigate this horse smuggling ring i just love that none of the bad guys had a had a question when pete was like i'll be at the diner for the next 24 hours and they're like okay so it's a 24 hour diner like that's a i'll I'll allow that. You're going to straight through 24 hours? Like, if I come there at 4 in the morning,

you're going to still be there putting away biscuits and gravy, my man? If you were just some guy that's weird, but this guy was like, so I am the most wealthy, powerful man, you cannot travel with. And so you'll be at the fancy hotel or some, some yacht or something.

No, no, fucking pancakes all day pancakes. He's hosting a muckbang for no one. It's wonderful. I'll be muck bang. And if you need me, sir, I shall be muck-bain. Oh, that is good in the foghorn leghorn accent. Now the henchman is fully on board with it, McGiver goes into his role.

And what he does is he pulls his mullet back into a cute little ponytail, and he puts on big thick glasses, and he is now a nerd. Because he wasn't a nerd before. The hockey-loving Canadian invention master was like some sort of sort of pussy crushing job before this, because now we get to see what he thinks a nerd is. He's wearing an athletic letterman's jacket. It's like this specific uniform of the guy who bullies the nerds. It's fucking stupid. He also drives up in a 1920s truck. Like, it's an ancient truck all polished up for like the TV show. And it's just like, what kind of choice was that?

He's a letterman's jacket and an old-timey truck. Oh, that's a real nerd now. That's what that's fucking nerd shit. It's so interesting that you get to see. what McGiver thinks a nerd is. Like everybody else surely thinks he's a fucking nerd. He's like, no, no, guys, this is a nerd. And also just from the show's perspective, this was like, this was like the one show that the nerds had where you're like, the nerd is the powerful one.

And to see him put on the nerd cosplay and be like, I'm a virgin. Oh, okay. Yep. It's like, did you have to hurt me now, man? Like, Revenge of the Nerd just came out and I'm doing it for a lot of weird thoughts. I don't know how to process this. So, uh, he puts on his voice.

Tell that your so-called expert. Look, lady, the device you're talking about is impossible. Look. See, to generate enough power for an ultrasonic signal, you need a power source of a size of a shoebox. I'm telling you technically it's impossible. Impossible. So one thing I've tried to figure out here that's as weird as everything else is for your horse murder device, is that even, is even that bad of its shoebox size?

Like, you have to carry around, like, a tape recorder-sized horse murder box out of... Yeah, there's a lot of ways to handle that, I think. It's not a deal breaker. You just wear a backpack or carry a briefcase. I don't know. It's a solvable problem. Pretend to have a little pot belly. Yeah.

Get a pregnant lady to do it. A fake pregnant lady. We're writing a better episode. I think we should have been there in the room to be like, yeah, we got some notes, guys. Some good notes. First one, Centaur. Everyone is doing a foghorn leghorn. Only leghorn's all the way down.

Next, Centaur. I like that. Lose all the brown face. Who's all the brown face? Everyone's a foghorn, leghorn, spider pies. End of pitches. So what we heard in that clip is they have met up with Pete, who's still pretending to be this New Orleans businessman.

And they're all pretending to be pulling the same scam. Linda Blair, McGuiver, and Pete are pretending to be pulling a rival scam, still trying to use the device that specifically causes all non-deaf horses to kill. then riding a deaf horse to victory. And the idea is more than one person can come up with and try to execute this scam. Just the old classic find a device that makes all horses kill and then find a deaf horse that won't kill. And then baby, you're in the money.

It's the old time, classic old timey hobo scam. This is in the art of war, Sun Tzu. He says, you start a horse war and you write a deaf horse through the chaos. Your enemy will never expect it. The henchman overhears this. He calls and tells the bad guy Henderson. They go into panic mode because now somebody else is doing their scheme. And now it's time to bring Jack Dalton in.

Jack Dalton. The con artist, what's his name? Bruce McGill. Human hokey. He's a chubby white sex machine. Just keep all that in mind as we play this next clip. They go ahead and they're like, oh, we got to get Jack in on this. So they call him and this happens.

Hook is in. You're on, Jack. Yes, signor. I love it. Okay. The second I hear, Ola, I just want to yell, don't at the screen.

No, stop. Bruce McGill, stop. I love it. Not just for the racism that we'll be, I'm sure hearing more of, but when they say the hook is in, like they just got the bad guy confessing to like 50 different crimes

on 100,000 listening devices. And they're like, we, yes, the hook is baited. Now he just tested, dig, one wrong move. It's like, it's done. Prosecute this fucking guy for so many horse crimes and murder. Yeah, it's this legal. The hook is in.

We're ready to do the brown face. It's like a really racist Globetrotters, like game or seed or something. They're just running up the score on this petty crime organization. He's doing like, like he's reading the racism phonetic. Like, he's like, juicy, I am a Cuban now. It's like. Exactly. The voice work is insane.

It's insane how badly it is. You both, you're both like into languages, right? Like, what would you say, what would you say the velocity of his Gonzalez is here? He's doing an F1 Gonzalez thing, and I think what's impressive about it is, it sounds like he's trying to remember what the racist impression sounds like. Like, he's not just impersonating the group. He's trying to recall the stereotype and impersonate that, and it's wild. Yeah. This is of the era where you're like, okay, he could just be a tan guy trying to pass.

No, no, no, he is in the brown face. Yeah, yeah, he's real bronzed up. At first, you can't tell in the lighting, but... He browns up for it. Yeah. Yeah, it's a maximum Gonzales. Maximum. This is an escape velocity Gonzalez.

He's sort of like, you know when those motorcycles in the, in the European races that I should watch or whatever, always look like they're about to tear the driver's head off, but they make it to the end of the race somehow? he's really that guy, but he's the one that teeters over. Yeah, that does kill a lot of people. A lot of them actually just do die doing that. So he's the one that died doing that, but the racist version. The scam is he's pretending to be lucky Charlie now, and he's going to demand that Henderson, the horse criminal,

he's going to demand that Henderson finish laundering all the money he was working on by tomorrow. So they go to the diner, they kidnap McGuiver. They think that McGiver is some kind of engineering, nerd. Can you imagine? That's how good his acting was that they think he's some kind of fucking engineering nerd now. They bought it. He does have a ponytail. Would a cool guy have a ponytail? Checkmate. That's what I love. He's not pretending to be anything different than what he is. Like, he doesn't have to pretend to be a nerd for this because it's not, he's actually a nerd. He actually does have all of the same knowledge and he knows that he doesn't have to do this.

I think you can feel the season fiveness of this. It sort of feels he's moving through the world. of cheat codes, like more so than the usual action margin? Now, here's something I don't understand. So they bring him back to the horse palace, and they try to make him talk by threatening him with the, they turn on the horse killing, the device that makes all horses kill. That's the, instead of guns, they don't use guns. They put people in a horse cage and turn on the devices that make horses kill.

And that's what they do to him. And he won't talk, but they need him to because they believe that he has a working version of their device, the one that they're using on him right now. It's so good. It's so good. And it's exactly what you want to do if you've got a very, very weird horse scheme is just to draw a lot of attention to the local horse madness and how people keep dying from horse kicks in this one particular, that's no name for it.

Horse barnyard, horse... Horse temple. Like a horse apartment. Like a horse sauna? Yeah, I don't know This organization The way you described it It makes it sound like it's like

One of those perfect like Trey Parker plots where they just keep Trying to cover up horse murders Of more horse murders Right It just keeps moving around This stack of them I really did like

McGiver's nerd performance here I just something about Like him doing the nerd voice And the General's Nightmare Soundscape I've cut it out Just him in the background going like, no, quit it, quit it. While fucking horses screaming, it's such a, it's such a bizarre nightmare to witness.

How do you think he calculated that he would survive his horse stomping? Good question. I think he probably came in there and rigged it. I think he deafened to that horse first and then trained it, trained it to dance with sugar. Okay, so we're just like, cap where a slap that horse's ears on the way in. Yes, little trickles of blood ran down, and then he's like, perfect. Wonderful. Wonderful.

So, McGiver gives in, he tells them that he designs the computer systems, but not for this horse-killing device. The horse-killing device is completely pointless to this whole thing. Turns out that's not related to anything. They never had to do any of that. McGever gives in and tells them what he really does as the nerd is he designs computer systems for the most sinister fucking thing the 80s could imagine, which is an online linked bookie system that takes bets on. on anything from all over the country. I did love this.

Can you fucking imagine? I can't imagine a world that dark. It's a nightmare. What a dystopia that they've set up. That's seriously, that's like, that's the like villainous invention that, and they think it's impossible. It can't exist.

It's the worst thing that could ever be. But that's the like, it would have to be a version of America that has abandoned every human virtue that would ever allow this to survive for more than 45 seconds. about the full CIA infrastructure diving in on it like Hawks. So Pete has set up a fake polymarket headquarters under the diner.

So now he has a full diner working above all of those customers, all the cooks still there. And then below that, a full, like fake polymarket headquarters complete with like computer guys, cash guys, people betting. Like two full stories of FBI agents are on this now. because of one horse murder of a jocky. Also, this is all, I want to point out, this is all to trick the guys into going back to the diner they were already at. Yes. Just something to keep in mind.

Now, this whole scheme, it all turns on Dalton's incredible performance. So if we want to go ahead and move to the next clip. No, my problem, o'homre. I got the gringo eaten out of my hand, man. See, I would have added a G to the man. I mean, come on. Who did the voice training? Who's the CIA racism trainer?

I want to talk to him. The whole scheme hinges on this guy doing that accent. On him, on a white man doing his best cheech. Yeah, he's just doing cheech. I like when the pronouns start stacking at random. He's not responding to anything anymore. He's channeling a bunch of different racist ghosts, impersonating their neighbors at once. Yeah, this is not like a Fisher-Stevens situation where Fisher-Stevens, like, went.

to India to learn how to do his brown face to the best of his sincere ability. It's like, this is real fucked up. Don't even worry about it. No, Bruce, Bruce, we have a language coach. We can teach you how to do the accent. It's like, no, man, I got it, dude. Dude, no, you do not. I dreamed I watched a Cheaton Chong movie.

I could do this. So clearly, all hinging on this performance, everything's going to go off perfectly. McGiver brings them and he shows them his nerd setup, even though he pronounced is everything wrong. He calls his system a paramutual system, and he says it bets one nanosecond before race time, so it doesn't change the odds. And then he says it comes equipped with like a gigabyte of RAM. So like nobody... It sounds... They didn't double check all these numbers. A lot like when you're watching sci-fi at 4 a.m. or something, and there's a show called Starwalk that, you know, doing the whole rod and very thing. It's just trying to describe something that would exist in the far future

were just like random nonsense, slop words. Yeah. But they're describing contemporary technology for things that would be pretty fucking simple. And it's just... What happens is they don't even know what a nerd looks like. That's why McGiver looks so stupid. Is they're like, I've never met a nerd? What would a nerd even look like?

Who's a computer? I'm an ass-crushing TV writer in the 80s. I don't know what any nerds. I know. Cocaine and Boontang and horse. You literally can't pay me to talk to a nerd. I'll quit. There's plenty of jobs out there for a white guy like me.

I think a nerd's like someone who only hooks. up like once a week or something, you know? Right. I really should have taken a clip of McGever saying Gigabyte. It was very funny, but instead I had to take a clip of this. When do you think the morning line on this horse Jenny Shenz going to be? At least six to one. That means my million becomes six million dollars overnight.

Caramba. The fucking corrupt. So fucking super friends-ass Spanish. He drops the Karamba, but he's also playing it so stupid that he can't calculate what six to one odds would be. He's like, I'm pretty sure they got third grade in Cuba. That's fucked up. He's getting more and more Latino by the second, by the way. Like his voice and his skin are getting more and more bold.

I think he's starting to believe. He is darker every scene. Yeah, truly becoming Lucky Charlie. So they've fully hooked Henderson, the evil horse guy, by pretending that Lucky Charlie is into this betting. operation, Henderson thinks that he has them over a barrel because he has the only deaf horse and remember, this whole

polymarket system hinges on the device that makes all horses kill except for the one deaf horse. That's the premise of this undercover sting that we're betting everything on. So they feel like they have him fully set up. I have my pocket theory.

I have my personal belief about this entire thing. When Maguire creates one of these cute fake crime organizations, And this is the U.S. intelligence apparatus we're talking here. They just keep the thing going. They just spin it off when he's not looking like, oh, good job. We got that horse trader. This is gold.

Put it in the folder. We got it. This is great. Tracking him into inventing terrible things. This plan to like use a deaf horse to enact a deadly scheme is actually based on a true story. This is how they tried to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger during pumping iron. You can cut it, Jamie. Oh my God.

Couldn't save that for next week, huh? You're right. That'll, if you're listening, that'll make sense next week unless Jamie has cut this, which she should. She probably should have. Everything's going smoothly, except they now learned that the real lucky Charlie escaped. He tried to come to the U.S., he escaped the feds, he got wounded, his arm got wounded in a gunfight, and they've published his picture in all the papers. And so what they gamble on, they think, we have one move here. We have one move, and that is pure blind racism.

What I mean by that is they just, knowing that Henderson, the horse bad guy, has now seen the real lucky Charlie's picture in the paper, they just have Jack show up doing his speedy Gonzalez accent and shoe polish face and his arm in a sling. And they just assume, all right, he's going to be so racist, he won't be able to tell the difference. It's like, what happened to your arm? It's like, we need to turn the racism up from your grandparents to your great-grandparents mid-war.

And what's shocking is that doesn't work. It doesn't work. They pull up, the real Lucky Charlie is already there, and they pull a gun on him. And so what Dalton does is he pivots, and he pretends to be a con artist trying to grift Pete's operation, the polymarket betting operation. and they still need him because despite seeing his picture in the paper, the guy Pete is pretending to be

is now so racist, he can't tell the difference and won't believe the real guy. So we're just nesting parentheses of racism until it's fucking gibberish. My note's say this is officially too complicated for a MacGyver plot. I'm not sure why anyone is doing what they're doing both because it's stupid

and because it's very confusing. It's kind of a sight to behold. Because, like, McGiver in, like, my cultural footprint memory is always thrown into, like, crazy underdog situations. And here, he holds every possible card and several impossible cards and is playing them all terribly. And just every turn is saying, add a sprinkle more racism. Like, really drizzle it over it. Just a touch. Yeah, I have some more I can add.

The real lucky Charlie is also an American white guy. Just, just fun facts for you to know. And hold on. So the real lucky Charlie is there and he's doing kind of an accent and so what Dalton does the full, like buy into the fiction of this episode, right?

That's the real lucky Charlie or it's somebody it's a guy pretending to be the real lucky Charlie he does the accent straight to his face. He's like, here's what I think you sound like and then he does that Speedy Gonzalez shit straight to straight to the real guy

who is not doing that accent you know, can you just I'm going to pull a gun on him. Do we really need him? Are we sure? You can't do that accent to my face and live. I'm really just eternally surprised that Dalton has not been shot four times. Yeah, just on principle.

Even if he's just done that to like, there's probably some farmhands that are of Mexican descent somewhere around. Farm hands of like standards. Just here and go, I'm going to make a change in my neighborhood today. Exactly. Make the world a better place. In 1989, probably not. Probably not in 1989. So they take him captive and then they head down to like the polymarket betting parlor.

They can't kill him because he's saying, you guys are all going to be millionaires. There's no harm done. So they get down there. The real lucky Charlie sees this operation is like, oh, okay, I'm going to fall for this too. I love this. And he gives them the money and they say, yes, we've got him. because all of this was really to see the stolen money that he had. They're going to pretend to run his money through a counter.

Actually, as we see, there's a guy in behind the counter who's watching the counting machine. It's scanning the dirty serial numbers that they need to convict him for stealing this money. So right away, like, okay. They finally have enough information to convict them of a crime. They have nine gigabytes of footage of these guys doing crimes. As I watched this episode, I just think, is this what it was like when we had rights? Like, they had to just stack as much photo evidence with you looking at the cameras. This was the 80s.

All 80s cop shows were. Horse murder is so hard to prove. Yeah. It's notoriously one of the hardest defenses to prove premeditated horse murder. Horse slaughter, sure. When the horse just fit of passion. So they get caught when the real Lucky Charlie looks at the TV playing the race and he says, I saw this race last week in Miami.

And then he finds the VCR they're using to play the race because they had really just pre-taped this stuff a full week ago. Couldn't do the ones today, the racetrack or whatever. And he grabs the VCR, he throws it through the big glass mirror and turns out Linda Blair is standing back there. And so he turns on Henderson, he turns on everybody, he demands to know what's happening. And what Henderson does is immediately confesses to murdering Linda Blair's father.

And then everyone in the entire room freezes, including Lucky Charlie. That's it. That's all they needed. They throw to McGiver. Only that's not McGiver. It's a guy named Steve in a McGiver wig in the ponytail pretending to be McGiver, pretending to be a nerd. They're like, what the fuck? That's not the nerd I know.

they throw back to the real lucky Charlie who tears off his sling. His arm wasn't hurt. He tears off his mustache. He's not really lucky Charlie. Then he tears off his entire face. He's not really Colombian at all. Or even a white guy pretending to be Colombian.

He's McGiver, pretending to be a white guy, pretending to be Colombian. Seven special effects firms, three ad agencies, two intelligence agencies, are dedicated to avenging this one horse death. They will not let a malign clumping stand.

Really? Okay. Why? My one, I have a lot of questions. The one that bugged me the most was, why did they have the FBI guy back there counting serial numbers in a way they couldn't see? Nobody involved in the sting could see that. There's still 75 FBI agents upstairs cooking omelets.

The fucking depths of this key. Oh, that's fucking crazy. Is this like a vacation for them or a punishment duty of trying to figure out, like, how do you feel when you get put on like omelet squad after in the middle of your, you know, hot shot FBI agent career? Is this what happens when Mulder mentions aliens to loudly too many times? Then you can do this shit for three weeks and say, yeah, this is... He's all right, but I'm going to wear a white guy's face doing brown face. And when you catch the bad guy, I'm going to step away from the other. and I'm going to tear off all my face.

Beautiful. I think this is why they have you put your hobbies on like a resume. It seems like bullshit, but they're like, huh, you like cooking, huh? Maybe we could use that. You like cooking, but how's your foghorn leghorn? Let me hear your Shaquille O'Neal. I have an idea that involves two agents stacked on top of each other, but I need the perfect voice to pull it off. This fucking insane scheme was all to get Henderson.

for the murder. As soon as he confessed for the murder, they're like, really? We took Lucky Charlie and we took him under arrest yesterday. Everything's done. This was the whole thing. This whole thing, it's Michael Douglas is the game. They Michael Douglas the game Tim. Absolutely. Yeah, they manipulated the local media to not show footage of the real Lucky Charlie. So that this guy, they're trying to get for like one aggravated clopping. Uh, they, It's just it's insane how much money went into arresting this guy for I mean, I murder. Sure. Get the murderer.

But you had him, you had him so long ago. You had him when McGiver figured out he made all the horses murdered. It's like, yeah, yeah. You can trace that device to him. That was enough. This gave me a new vision of criminal justice. They Truman showed him for this murder. They basically drove him insane.

They decided that his mind had to die for this crime. Yeah. They shouldn't even imprison him after this. They should just let him walk the earth unsure if anything is real. They did a double brown face in addition to a second guy doing a brown face. That's three brown faces for one sting operation. Just for one aggravated clop.

So they all celebrate. That's it. That was the game plan. And the episode ends with Dalton still in his brown face, setting up the final punchline, which he throws to McGiver. And McGiver delivers it. using the severed latex face of the Latino man he was pretending to be and he starts working the face.

It's impossible for me to tell you exactly how fucked up this looks. He starts working the dismembered face of a Latino man like a puppet to deliver the second part of this punchline here. As my good friend Lucky Charlie would say, no eye problema. Real tickled by that. He did a second accent while he was doing the accent. He did a little goblin accent for the sever, a special, as though this is what the severed face of the Latino man that was pretending to be.

This is what that would sound like. So fucking good. It's like, now that my Latino goblin is back in the shadow realm, I think his voice sounds like this when I eat a puppet him. And again, that was not a Latino actor. who played the other Latino man. I just don't want everyone to know. Maybe his grandma was Italian or something, but like he was white.

It's gotten to the point where I genuinely don't understand if this is offensive anymore. Like, do you think it's become abstract now, I think? Yeah, I've lost track. Like, six nested brown faces ago, I lost track of whether or not this is okay. Like, did we come back around to okay? Because now it's just a white guy.

Because you're working the severed face of a white guy, right? That's fine. I think they're just outrunning it. I think it's offensive, but it'll never catch up to them. There's too many, too many faces and disguises. The racism just can't get them. Exactly, exactly. If you can't explain it, you can't get fined for it.

And that's the McGuiver horse episode, believe it or not. It ends with them swelling laughter to McGiver puppeting a severed Latino man's face. And I guess we've decided, To do estabien. Oh my god Bras Welcome to the 1,900 Frankfurt

Welcome to the 1,900 hot dog stage, a brand new comedian debuting here tonight The insult comic with class lord Jimathan Jigglesworth Thank you, thank you That's quite enough

Though I should say flattery We'll get you everywhere Oh, what a supreme audience we have tonight. I recognize a lot of faces, though they might not like me saying that. Oh, I see Aaron Crosston here. A peacock in everything but beauty. Aho!

Adrian H. I see Adrian H here. Alex Nolenberg. Alpha scientist Javo. Anandi. Armando Navar. Autumn Armstrong Berg. Oh, I see Brandon Garlock.

He has one of those. fine bureaucratic faces that once seen are never remembered. Oh, Brian Sailor, Brockway famously loves the meat milly, a little too much if you know what I mean. Cyril. Christopher Worthing, I am told porkpacking is the most valued profession in America. Tell your mother, I said thank you for your service. Oh, I'm so naughty. Common sense, I see Gregor LeMoyne, Dan B, David Schell, popularity is the only insult that has not yet been offered to Dean Costello. A Delta Fox Trot, I see Devon the Rogue Supreme here, I see Dusty's rad title and Elizabeth Schope.

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Oh, that one was bad. Victor Malavankan, Booster, Whalen Russell. I see Yvonne Clavom here. Zach and Eva. Jeff Oraski is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning. As a speaker, he has mastered everything except language. As a dancer, he can do anything but move with rhythm. And as a wiener, he is everything but plump.

Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. I kid, of course. Thank you. Thank you all. I'd say you've been lovely, but I've been told untruths cause wrinkles. Oh, no, but seriously folks, truth is everything. Stay true. One must always strive to be true to what they are, Even if what they are is a nasty little cunt.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.